Desert Island Dicks - RUSSELL HICKS

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

Dan is joined by comedian Russell Hicks, to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck on a desert island with. Including stories of cough medicine, goths at Christian summer camps, and bald cats who hate baths. It'll make much more sense when you listen though, so stop reading this and get stuck in. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and I've just realized I'm recording this in my kitchen, and I turned on the tumble dryer before I started recording this, so excuse that. Now, it feels like ages since I did one of these so thank you for your patience while I've been off getting used to having a second child and no sleep at all. I mean there's a big chance you've not noticed the little break in the podcast and to

be honest you know loads of podcasts just do seasons with a few at a time and then take six months off until they do a few more. So, you know, I guess it's not really a big break at all. But I'm happy to be putting these out regularly once more. And this episode, I'm joined by comedian Russell Hicks, who was brilliant. Particular highlights for me include the cough medicine story and what happened when he had to look after his ex-girlfriend's pet bird. I'm going to leave those cryptically hanging because obviously right now you're not going to know what I'm talking about. But when you get to those bits in the podcast, I'm sure you will agree that they're really funny.

And from then on, you'll know that you can always trust me. And I think that's worth having in a podcast. As always, if listening to this makes you want to have your own say on who and what you think is a dick, then let us know by emailing us the people and things you hate at dickspod.com slash contact, or give us a shout on Twitter or Instagram at Dickspod, and we could be reading them out in the companion podcast to this, Compact Dicks. Please do subscribe to this podcast and leave us a rating and a review. The subscription part subscription part of course means that you'll never miss an episode and we've got some really good guests lined up for the coming weeks and months which i'm very very excited about but i'm

not going to tell you who just yet because i get nervous about jinxing it so it'll just be a nice surprise and i think that's it okay here's's Desert Island Dicks with Russell Hicks. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Russell Hicks. How are you doing? I'm doing good, man. How are you? Good. Yeah, all a nice, I'm looking at you on Zoom. You look like the kind of guy that I would enjoy being around in real life, just based on your general aesthetic. You've got a very nice cream color behind you, tasteful art. This is, you know, it's pleasing. It's nice to have something to look at. Thank you. to have something to look at that's thank you yeah thanks i mean um the rest of this is one of those

instances where like the small square you can see behind me is the only calm bit in my whole flat like if i turn the laptop a centimeter either side you'd see absolute chaos everywhere right yeah i mean i i am like you know when lockdown happened and celebrities were doing a lot of zoom interviews i don't know if i'm the only person that just is so – I'm just so fascinated at what's behind them. I just want to see what kind of situation they're living in. I don't know. It's just – it's interesting the choices some people make. Yeah, definitely.

Some people play it down you know they'll be like i can tell like okay matthew mcconaughey is in the least ostentatious part of his mansion right now just to you know because he's got to be one of the men of the people yeah i feel like with me i've just i just have so few options like at the minute i've got two kids in the other room it's like in my bedroom or the kitchen and the kitchen's too close to the noise. So you've basically got my bedroom. So yeah, that's London. London living right there. Exactly, exactly. Totally.

So obviously, you know, things could be better, could be worse at the minute. You know, it's fairly sunny, but we're also still in lockdown. What sort of mood are you in today? I mean, has it been easy for you choosing a load of dicks and awful things and people to put on island today? No, actually. been easy for you choosing a load of dicks and awful things and people to put on island today um no actually this was uh i have um been developing this in my mind for several years uh you know without realizing it there is it was it was easy it flowed from me effortlessly and so i'm feeling absolutely prepared and and loaded for this. It's a beautiful, sunny day outside,

so it's a perfect day to be shut inside doing a podcast staring at my computer. I couldn't be happier to waste this beautiful day. But no, I got some things I wouldn't want to be stuck with, for sure. I want you to know, I put a lot of thought into this, okay? Because, you know, Desert Island Discs, all right, which you may not be familiar with, was a podcast, a radio show. It existed before you.

And I would listen to that. And it would often annoy me that people tend to choose things that they thought would make for a cute discussion piece on the show, which would annoy me because I would say, listen, you're not taking this seriously. OK, you're on an island for the rest of your life. OK, I know that you've got a cute story about the theme song to Only Fools and Horses. But think about this, man. You're going to be marooned there for 50 years.

Take this seriously yeah definitely okay well let's get stuck into it then who's gonna be your first choice for the island okay so having gone through those options and thought you know realistically about this who would actually bother me one-on-one i have to, my girlfriend and I often talk about this, where if we were to have a child and you have kids, maybe you can help me with it. I just try to think of, I guess, based on my own childhood, I just know he's going to disappoint me in some way. So that's just a given. My girlfriend thinks that's negative, but I'm like, it's just, I don't know. I think you're setting yourself up for failure when you do this whole like he's going to be just like me.

So I think what could he be that is not me that I could still sort of relate to? I think I've got a pretty wide understanding of if he was into anything. But there's one thing. If he was gothic i just i just couldn't handle it there's for some reason i feel like the stand-up comedian has two natural enemies and it's um one is magicians we just don't get on with magicians yeah i've heard this before yeah it's something about listen the the amount of confidence you have to cultivate to be a good magician comedians don't do well with anybody

with a certain amount of self-assurance we we just very uncomfortable with it and so there's something about magicians they're just so i mean imagine if a comedian delivered their jokes with that same arrogance like whenever i get like you'd hit the punchline and just, yeah, I know. Yeah. Incredible, wasn't it? Stupid. And then gothic people. And I came up in the 90s, and it was a lot of, this was, I mean, this is not an era I've ever heard referred to, but I'll call it the gothic boom.

Yeah, yeah. This was a real boom. And they're just humorless i just i just find i just that's why i just think if i'm stuck on an island with a gothic person they first of all there's a lot of judgment that comes down from the gothics to a guy like me i feel like i feel like when they they see me they say the american accent you know this guy looks like he you know does some cardiovascular work a couple times a week. And so that to them is like, I might as well be captain of the football team. And I'm like, listen, I read comic books.

You don't know me. And so I just feel like anything I did, there's just, oh, you're eating a sandwich? Like, ooh. You know what I mean? I just couldn't handle it and he would he'd mope he'd just resign himself i'd say come on help me build this raft man yeah i think in terms of like survival they're not really going to be you know the sort of doing type you know and and they don't look like they deal well with the heat you know like often

although i've been to a festival and i saw a goth wearing it was like searing hot summer day and this person had like everything black obviously and a hoodie and a beanie on and i was like i don't know how you because you look like you've never been in the sun and yet you're sort of wearing all these layers and you're sort of dealing with it maybe it's just like your skin hasn't seen the sun for so long it can just take it because it takes so long to warm it up to room temperature or something but yeah yeah i think probably not going to be like the most active physical people i mean yeah and that that's fine i i this isn't and i want to make this clear this is because i think when this is not a bullying perspective i'm taking in any way i have no problem with people who are just want to be

left alone and, and nerdy, but I just, I think it's just, there's something, like I said, there's, I've always just found something very humorless about, I, I like things to, you know, like in my music or something, there's a bit of a, I don't know, you know, there's a certain tone to it, like a, like some kind of wit, some sort of... But, I mean, what are they... You can't even hear what they say. It's all just... I don't... How can you be...

Like Danish death metal. And I don't know. I just... There's no... There'd be nothing for me to relate to there, I don't think. I once, years ago about 25 years ago i worked in this uh factory in the southeast and um the one of it was like loads of really nice people work then one of the main bosses was uh he's called big steve and he was

like like someone who's called big steve you know you can sort of imagine the type he's like nice you know jocular outgoing fellow um like real sort of pillar of the community coach the under 10s football team like loved his sport played darts for the county you know this kind of guy and his son was this like really skinny weedy goth he used to just love getting stoned all the time and like barely spoke and it was also really nice but it was like you could just tell this guy big steve like it was just as far from him as you could possibly get and you could just feel that he would have you know even though they got on well and seemed to have a good relationship on the surface probably would have been happier if he like would ever see his son kicking a football or something which was

obviously never gonna happen and that's the thing is like if i had a kid like i think any because i think if he's nerdy about anything, like I can just relate to that because I get so nerdy about – like I just love being obsessed, taking something to a crazy degree. Like if he was – I just – any – so I think the – but if he was that way with gothic stuff, I just think I'd have to try to get into it and i don't i don't know what you know i just don't enjoy trent resner i don't know maybe i could get into that you know yeah and i think on an island as well like for it to sort of work you you kind of don't need people who want to go off on their own and think you know you want like can do attitude you want like you know kind of getting everyone together like buoying your spirits making everyone happy like right yeah let's do it come on well can do attitude well like i was always into the kind of music like like punk when i was a kid was like it was like

you the music was about you're a loser you like it was sad it was like yeah we're losers everything sucks but it was funny you know and that's kind of like what a comic is i don't know that's like my perspective it's just like if it's things are so totally shit but like we're this is what but ultimately this is like funny like we're just gonna whereas the gothic music like you listen to Nine Inch Nails, it's like things are shit, no punchline. It's just, that's it. And then the song ends and you're just like, come on, man, I need to break the tension a little bit here. Yeah, fair enough.

Well, I think it's a good choice. And yeah, I think, you know, in other situations, as you say, it might not be so bad. But yeah, just stuck on an island. I think a goth in a very miserable mood is absolutely not what you need. So I think it's a fair choice. It's a fair choice um who would be joining you then who's your second choice all right i by the way i'm just nervous at the uh backlash i feel like somewhere goths don't listen to podcasts though let's let's be honest see i feel like goths are generally fairly like easygoing i don't you know like i could be wrong i did i did befriend one goth once. I went to a Christian camp.

My parents sent me to a Christian camp for like five days. And in that situation, I was absolutely overjoyed to see a goth. And he was the only one. And so me and him just hung out the whole time. It was brilliant. I mean, I just couldn't. I just had the hats off to this guy. He's in

the midst of this absolute kumbaya jesus camp and he had the audacity to wear a pentagram on his chest i said that's now that guy's got a sense of humor and he did yeah no fair enough so i'm wrong so i'll be stuck with him then all right i think it's just the setting that's all right i mean you know we're not writing off every time we're just saying you know in that setting it's just the setting. That's all right. I mean, you know, we're not writing off every type. We're just saying, you know, in that setting, it's not going to be useful. Well, I am also a very close-minded, judgmental person. So that could be it. The second person. Okay, one time when I – this is about a couple years ago.

I went – as a stand-up, sometimes we get booked to do these. We used to. I don't know if they do them anymore. Well, obviously not now. But should book these um these resorts you would go travel to these exotic countries and this is the first time i realized this that there is this type of vacation that british people go on which you go to a foreign country that would be absolutely wonderful to get yourself immersed in culturally, to take part in the food. And like so we would go to like Crete or something like that. And then what they do is they land there and then they drive them up into this compound far into the hills where they're completely removed from any culture

whatsoever and then they just live amongst british people from yorkshire for three or four days and that's it and so we would like get flown out there to um entertain these people and they were just basically like landlocked cruise ships you know and and the entertainment had to be like so you know because the other people that were doing it were just like uh they would just sing really show tunes i mean because the entertainment has to like not offend anyone right yeah and so they were a bit but the best part was you'd go there you'd be there for three days but you'd only do one gig like right in the middle of the um of the trip and so you would just do this like 20 minutes at 11 o'clock at night in the middle of the trip and you'd go with one other comedian and it was great man you like you guys were just because you get all your

meals are covered and you just hang out man you just talk and just walking around in the sun okay so one time i got booked with this guy. He was an older comedian, much older than me. And for whatever reason, okay, when we took off in the airplane, okay, because you meet this guy at the airport. And you guys are hanging out from takeoff all the way through the trip to landing. This man did not say one single word to me. Wow. And I'm talking sitting next to him on the plane plane the best i got out of him was like a one word answer he never spoke to me he the whole trip i'm just on my own three days at one point i was eating one of the meals because you get these like three buffet feedings a day, right? And I'm sitting there eating by myself.

And then I realize that he is sitting right behind me with his, but like, like, so his back is to my back. So I just turn around. I'm like, this guy was so committed to having no contact with me that he opted to just sit alone behind me rather than hang out with me in any way and i and and the worst part was that i had another one booked the week after that and i was like when i finally got through with this trip i was like glad that's over can't wait and i

am not making this up i swear to god you don't know who you're with i showed up the next week three more days it was that guy again the exact same thing i thought i was going to lose my mind so wow i just think as much as i appreciate my space and and being alone i love my personal space if i know he's freezing me out on purpose it would drive me crazy on that island yeah because it's so because at least if you'd sort of had an argument to start with or something you'd kind of go oh this is fine he's a dick we don't have to but if they're just not saying anything it's like you've never sort of said deliberately oh i don't want to talk to you for any reason so you still sort of feel like as a good person you should sort of make a vague effort

like you know say hello when you see him or sit next to him at dinner or that sort of thing you know yeah because because you're a decent guy and you're like well what if they're just shy or maybe something's going on with them but if it's just like a complete blank and there's nothing you can do about it yeah i mean that's insane i mean how can you freeze somebody out like that and i kind of know why there was like a i had like it was like i had met him a few times and we were friendly. I always found him a bit robotic to be honest. I mean he wasn't the most verbose human being at the best of times when I was on his good side. But like I had inquired something about a visa.

There was like a situation – and again, this is another one where I'm like listen guys like this there's a certain type of comedian okay and and they're kind of a dying breed but there are comedians who you know they've they've usually like they seem to have come from some sort of criminal activity all right and like in the 90s it was so there was so much work out there that usually these guys would, in between making hits, would just be like, oh, I can go up there and talk about my penis? Great. And then they would have a career. So I'm afraid this guy, that he's going to come after me. But listen, it was harmless what I did.

I was asking him something about a visa because he wasn't from this country. And I and he had told me something that didn't sound quite right. You know, something that you can do to where you don't really have to renew it. Like it was something weird. And and so I asked the guy who does his visa, who's my guy as well at the time used to be. And and I was like, no, that's that's not true. Now that got back to that guy was like no that's that's not true now that got back to that guy now in this guy's i believe i believe he still carries that sort of uh code of honor like a criminal underworld

where like i'm a rat now okay like i can't be trusted this is all i this is what i think and so he just decided better to never share any anything with this guy ever again that's so weird but it's not like i mean you were just checking something he'd said and presumably like stuff to do with visas you kind of want to double check these sort of things maybe that was his thing maybe he thought i'm going to give you the wrong wrong information so you get you know um deported right you know maybe that was his plan all along and then when you got wise to it he was like shit i just can't say anything right so you're saying i just i reminded him of a botched job yeah maybe he this was all this was all planned from the get-go he was saying

he was trying to set me up i mean that kind of personality baffles me so much because i i just find it so hard to sort of be with someone and then not say anything you know to sort of see them kind of looking at me and making an effort and to just freeze them out even if i really hate someone i find it so difficult to do i know that was the thing that i it was by day three i just thought the commitment to this and then the second time and you know i did feel a little guilty i thought oh maybe i shouldn't because i remember when i asked about the thing and i i thought ah should i mention the guy's name i don't but then i was like i should because i need the specific answer and but most comedians the thought of freezing someone out for three days what they would have done is they just said right in the

beginning hey listen that pissed me off that you did that what are you trying to do you got me in trouble I don't know but it seems like I don't know now now I'm now I'm feeling like I'm on his side which is just a terrible no I just it seems like such a small thing as well, though. It's not like you kind of, I don't know, like if you'd sort of come along and then taken all his work or something, but just like because you checked on something he'd told you because you thought it was wrong. It's not like, I don't know, it's such a weird,

I mean, that sort of attitude on a desert island. It feels like he's never going to crack as well. You know, you turn up to the island oh fuck it's that guy we're on the same flight again but this one it's crashed and we're stuck together on an island and this is it for now i've got a goth who's sulking and isn't in the mood to chat and i've got this guy oh yeah and yeah i mean talk about between a rock and a hard place i mean that's oh they're gonna team up for sure oh the god and him will team up yeah absolutely and there hard place i mean that's oh they're gonna team up for sure oh the god and him will team up yeah absolutely and there's no way this guy's gonna crack for sure and i'd just be i would lose it because i need i need some kind of connection i would just end up

shouting and screaming at him i'm sorry please oh man yeah i think i wouldn't be able to handle that at all i mean that's the sort of thing that you'd end up just killing him and then with his dying breath he'd be like no i'm just shy i didn't mean it you know or something but he's like why didn't you fucking say so before i caved your head in with this rock i would love that if it turned out that he was just painfully shy it doesn't sound it sounds like he's just a complete dick so i think it's a good choice a good choice yeah but i i have to respect like at some level uh the the comedian in me respects his commitment to the bit he just stuck with it fair enough so yeah that would uh wouldn't be able to handle it man no i mean i hate him i'm also

really curious as to who he is i might have to ask you afterwards so i'll find out his name you're gonna ask me afterward i hope he doesn't air this podcast. Okay. Who's going to be joining the three of you then on the island? Who's your final choice? All right. So when I first moved to this country, I got on a train, and I didn't really know the procedure. So I was very, you know, I bought my train ticket. I bought it at the exact time I needed to go. I didn't know open I bought my train ticket. I bought it at the exact time I needed to go. I didn't know open returns coming or going. And it had a seat number. And I said, okay.

And I got on the train and it was a totally empty carriage. It was like in the middle of the day. And, but I had a seat number. So I thought I have, this is, you know, I've got to sit in the seat. So I went and the only person in the carriage was sitting in the seat next to me. And I sat down right next to this guy. And I'll never forget. He just goes, he just puts his book down, still looking forward and really loudly just goes, really? The seat right next to me in an empty carriage. And I was like, what what and he just went move

and i was like oh oh okay okay i guess and so that's that i learned the hard way there that um that you can sit anywhere on an empty truck but and uh i just imagine yeah i mean you know i think it's difficult because on the one hand the british thing to do is you know avoid other people at all costs but the other british thing to do is just silently seethe and don't say anything to the person who's broken or just spend the entire two-hour journey just going god why was this man sitting next to me but never say anything that's that's the thing that baffles me to this day is that you know the british person i've come to know i could have sat in his lap and he would have just at the most breathed heavily intermittently throughout the journey

to just let me know he was a little perturbed but But this guy, I must have caught him on the wrong day because he both barrels in the face. And I was, like, nervous. I was, like, really, I was in a new country. I didn't know what to do. And so I just think that guy is, and I'm pretty high strung, that guy would be a nightmare to be in close quarters with. I just imagine constantly just you know he's the

guy who oh who ate all the coconuts and he had attitude he had real sass on him yeah no it sounds like it it's so hard in that in in that sort of situation for you though because i've been in countries where you just kind of think well yeah there's loads of space here you know i'll just do whatever and then people on trains are generally like the people who work on trains that tend to be kind of jobs worthy types you know they're kind of oh well this ticket is slightly wrong so this is all wrong you know so there's been loads of times where I think well surely I can just sit anywhere and then you get into trouble or they threaten to kick you off the train because you're not sat right next to wherever it's meant to be and those sort of things they do play especially in a new country they sort of play on your mind and you're like well i think

it's okay but what if it's not oh god i can't be bothered i'm just gonna be awkward and sit next to this person yeah and yeah i mean i think these people you're putting on this island i think you're you've you're really getting off to a spectacular start with these because this collection of people is just so uncomfortable like sometimes people pick someone who's just like okay you're just like a mean old bastard or whatever but i think the interplay between these three characters we got is just so uncomfortable is you know it's making me feel nervous already i mean it's perfect yeah i'm tense i am tense at the idea i mean i'm already if i'm really on this island, I've already jumped in the water by now.

Yeah. And then I mean, just thinking of sharks and thinking of that comedian plus that annoying train guy. I mean, those two together. I mean, basically, this is going to be like the quietest island in the world, I think, by the end of it. Well, because that's the thing. these guys complement each other that's see the the team that i've put together they get on great by them because if you think about it this silent the guy who ignores me he's not bothering train guy you know and he and nobody's gonna get on his nerves this guy's he's a rock he's unperturbed he just sits there silent looking straight ahead having a meal with his back to the restbed. He just sits there silent, looking straight ahead, having a meal with his back to the rest of us. I just think that you're going to be trying to do your own thing,

just getting on with your day-to-day business, like, you know, shelling coconuts. And every now and again from one of them, you're just going to hear a, and you're like, what have I done? They're like, you know what you did. And you're going to spend the rest of the week going, I don't know what I did.

What the fuck? Yeah, I'm such a desperate attention i need so much like like love that you know to be on an island with no one who thinks i'm funny would be would be just it would just uh starve me of my life force i think you know because we're desperate people we just need we need someone to be and i get none of that just be a bad crowd forever i think i'd feel like just be bouncing between them like a pinball just like a really disappointed pinball just going oh god oh no i forgot i upset you as well oh fuck this you know yeah yeah well it's a good choice i think yeah i i just think sometimes

the people like like the train guy it's like, who's worse? Me for sort of making an innocent mistake or you for just being a complete bellend when I'm just trying to just try to, you know, have a normal day and just get through things. I mean, that's, go from zero to 60 when it comes to public transport, because the irony is that after many years of living in this country, I in some way became train guy and I suffer no fools on public transport, you know. But and you've just got to think there's a story behind it. All right. You know, you never know. This guy could be new to the country. You don't know like like and i've had every manner of insult on the train you know like uh i was reading a book once on the train and i'm at the open book and this guy starts checking his

phone over my book like his phone had stuck in between my eyes and the page and was checking his phone. And, I mean, I just – that was just one of those moments where you're like – because it's those moments where you just – you're like – it's like you're angry and jealous that he lives in such a peaceful bubble of his own world. Do you not know – sir, you don't see what's happening here? Your phone is in my book right now. Definitely. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads.

Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Well, as I say, I think they're an amazing selection of people to put together. So I think because it's making me feel so uncomfortable, we're going to move on to the next section because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you is your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad yeah all right um so food

um this was i had i thought about this i was originally gonna say british mexican food okay Mexican food. Okay. Because Mexican food, as we know, is manna from the gods. It is absolutely wonderful. I grew up in San Diego, California, and it's so close to Mexico that the food is incredible. But British Mexican food, I mean, it's so bad. I mean, it's almost racist. It is so bad. And it's so bad that, like, you know, you have chipotle in this country which is the best option let me tell you something in america chipotle it'll get you laughed right out of the taqueria

okay it is not even close it's like it's just embarrassing um but i said to myself think come on think about this you know it's still pretty good. It's still Mexican food, and I would be happy to have that. So I had to pick chocolate donuts. Okay, interesting. This is controversial, people. Oh, this guy didn't. Now suddenly people are starting to say, hey, maybe these other three people on the island have a point. I mean, this guy doesn't sound like

a lot of fun at all this is the thing i i like to eat pretty good like a nice i like to eat healthy you know makes me feel good but every day man chocolate donuts because also and i don't think any of these guys would do this but i have a theory about sort of like sweets and that kind of thing i do a lot of um back before civilization crumbled last year uh i used to uh do you go on car journeys with comedians and one thing i noticed and is that when people get like a like a donut or like a any kind of like naughty treat uh they always offer you some now my theory and my girlfriend thinks this makes me a cynical maniac, is that these people aren't doing this because they want to share their food with you. This is not an altruistic act. This is they feel guilty eating this crap, and they want to drag someone in with them so they feel better about themselves.

Yeah, maybe. So this is is my theory i don't know but i don't think anyone would offer me on this island because yeah i think probably not with the people that you've picked but i mean let's say there's just enough that's piled up around you for everyone to have some i just think yeah it's you know most things that are a treat are things that you couldn't eat all the time. You know, like the stuff that you kind of want to get stuck with is just like plain rice or something like that. You know, just something really boring, but will sustain you. But the sort of interesting stuff is the stuff that's going to really piss you off after a while. We're like when it's really hot and you've just got a sticky chocolate donut, probably with some sand on it, and that's all your food all the time completely

i mean that's that's horrendous and i think now as well with like especially things like crispy cream donuts they've got that sort of you know that style of food where it's just like yeah and then put some more on and then put hey and what if instead of sprinkles it was like crushed up biscuits on it you know it's like they've kind of yeah there's a real one-upmanship to it there's just like oh yeah kind of heart attack inducing. Oh yeah. America is like, I mean, that's what we do. We'll just come out, we'll come up with these new ways of,

like we just take unhealthy combinations and just stack it, you know, into a massive, I mean, what was that show? Man versus food. Yeah, yeah. And you see it with things like yeah yeah and you sit with things like pizza hut and you're like what if what if instead of a pizza crust it was mini cheeseburgers all the way around it and you're like what the fuck what was the meeting where you had that i mean that's insane you went yeah let's do it like how how many people agreed to that for that

to get green lit you know yeah but people must want it. But yeah, I think like anything like that kind of area of food would just be hard to live with for a long time. I just think, yeah, it's just empty, man. It would just be, it would, but it'd be fun. You'd be, because the thing is, it's one of those, it's that, it's the typical, you'd be like so into it for about a second. You'd be like, this is, this island's going to be a piece of cake, man.

No pun intended. This is going to be sweet and then about just by the second meal of just donuts you'd be like i can't do this anymore yeah at first you're like well hey well we got donuts you know things are looking up and then yeah you're right it wouldn't take long at all and then also you know you'd have to eat enough to be full so then the sugar's gonna kick in and you've i think especially train guy on a lot of sugar isn't gonna be isn't gonna be good oh he's gonna lose his mind gothic he's only gonna go more pale yeah yeah it's not good the lack of vitamins um silent guy he's i don't know somehow he's found his own sustenance yeah and he's not he's not telling anybody there's something really depressing know somehow he's found his own sustenance yeah and he's not he's not telling

anybody there's something really depressing about seeing someone's looking sad whilst eating junk food as well so you know if you just saw that comedian looking really pissed off but with a donut i think it would just be really really depressing does nothing bring you joy sir nothing and what would you wash that down with what What's your drink choice? I wasn't sure if this counted or not, but this was the only drink that came to my mind, which was, because this is technically liquid, was cough syrup. Okay, yeah.

Now, I think I could handle any drink, but cough syrup is disgusting on several levels, and one of the things about cough syrup is it reminds me of, I had a very bad incident with cough syrup. I don't know if you guys had this when you were young children in Britain and teenagers, but it was like a cheap way to get high. You could drink cough syrup and it would make you hallucinate or something like that. I have heard of this.

I don't know if it, like, it wasn't really when i was growing up i think it might have more now because i think it's more in like hip-hop culture of her like there's is that purple drank is that a thing yeah something like that i've heard that too yeah but like lil wayne and people like that kind of yes rap about it but it's like you keep telling me how much money you've got in all your cars like why are you drinking cough syrup yeah where's the class a's what are you doing yeah and it's not fun man not fun and it was a typical thing like as a kid where like you would just you would just on the on the most flimsy advice you'd be like sure you know like that's what kills me about people with the vaccine today you know they're like i'm not taking the vaccine, man. I'm not.

And I'm like, listen, be honest with yourself. You put a handful of pills in your mouth because some random dude at Glastonbury said, like, you want these? And you're like, okay, yeah. But yet you're not trusting a slew of, you know, all of doctors and everybody telling you this is safe. So like we've all ingested things. Like I just, this, some shaman that was in our high school was like, this will get you fucked up. And I was like, well, your word is good enough for me, my friend. I'll have two. And I remember I drank two of them. And then when I was done with two bottles of it, he was like, oh, you're only supposed to drink one. And then I just was – I still don't do cough syrup to this day.

I remember I – this lasted for like three days. I was like tripping out, right? And it just would never go away. And so eventually – and this made me like so uncool. I just – I finally – I told my mom. I said, listen, Mom, I'm going to need some help on this one. I've done, drank some cough syrup. Now my parents are, they're Christian scientists.

So that's like, you know, they, they like, it's, it's hard to explain this religion. I actually, I think it's, you know, it's kind of cool really. It's a, it suits my lifestyle cause I'm inherently lazy, but they, they just don't, they didn't never really went to the doctor. They're just sort of, you know, it's a – I don't know, read up on it, right? So we didn't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing.

And so I remember neither she nor I knew, and I wasn't really a drug taker. So our best guess was that she had a friend who was ill at the time who had anal suppositories. And we both thought, I can shit this out of my body so let's let's drain me of this of this poison and listen your your life has never reached the levels of rock bottom that i was at as i was sitting on the toilet with my mother outside asking me, is it done yet? As I'm hallucinating still and just like having an explosion, like the freaking Manhattan Project was coming out of my rectum.

So, but that was fun. Oh, my God. i that that stuff just that's that's just got a bad aura that's yeah yeah stigma on it well i think that's yeah that's i don't know what to say about that i i'm it's an amazing story i'm very glad that uh that wasn't available when i was growing up or it hadn't hadn't reached these shores yet because that's so yeah no it was horrendous but it's kind of good because i never really did drugs after that you know and you never had a cough so and i've never yeah i've never had a cold since go figure i'm still but you know you are a dolphin right now so it's at

that side effect oh well yeah god that sounds awful it's yeah the sort of things when you're like when you're young and you don't appreciate like how to make anything like you know like getting drunk for the first time and you just go well i'll mix this and this and this that's a cocktail oh my god this tastes so disgusting but i have to get through it you know at no point just thinking like what if i made it less strong and had more of them and made you know mix it with juice or something like that you know it's just like the teenage quest to get high in any way just ridiculous it's just insane what were we doing yeah oh man okay well that's your food and drink choice and i think yeah very strong now uh fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes

entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? Yeah, okay. So, all right, least favorite film. Now, I thought about this.

Again, redundant, but I really put some effort into it. There's so many films that I think, all right, if you had to watch this over and over again, Again, redundant, but I really put some effort into it. There's so many films that I think, all right, if you had to watch this over and over again, you could find something in it. I just watched a movie. My girlfriend made me watch this movie last Christmas recently. I have a big annoyance with this theory. I absolutely hate when people say, I like to watch things that I just don't have to think or something like that. Like as if quality programming is, I mean, that is escapism to me. You know, I'm watching Last Christmas and I was thinking constantly.

I was thinking, why did this get made? Why can't I sell a script? Why is this even happening? I was not escaped at all, right? The worst movie, though, that I ever saw in my life and that also has a stigma attached to it was around the same time as The Cough Syrup. It was in that period of my life, but this is before I'd quit doing drugs. Back in the early noughties, I don't know if it's still this way with the kids, but when you bought weed from someone, people who sell weed are strangely desperate in a way. They couldn't accept, at least the guys I bought from, that this was a business transaction.

They needed to know that your relationship meant more than just buying marijuana. So every couple of purchases, you had to fake hang out with them for a little bit, like 45 minutes or so, because otherwise it was unethical. They would get, oh, you're just leaving? Like, yes. We're not friends, sir. You're weird. And so I remember it was that time. I was like, oh, I've got to do the hangout. And I bought remember, you know, it was that time. I was like, oh, I've got to do the hangout.

And I bought weed from this guy. He lived in kind of like a basement. And I just remember sitting there with him in this dingy basement, and we had to smoke a joint together. not i mean this was i'm gonna tell you right now before i met comedian silent guy this was the person i had the least amount to talk to about okay and i just remember sitting there saying nothing while this movie played on the tv and it was battlefield earth with john travolta are you familiar with this film is that the one he the one where he's dressed up like an alien? It's like an alien John Travolta. Yes.

Yeah. Let me tell you something. This is, look, some movies are so bad that you can find that they're enjoyable. This movie is so painfully bad. It hurts to watch this. John Travolta is dressed in like seven hours worth of makeup he looks ridiculous he honestly he's kind of like the predator if the predator were like a homeowner and just just like a just just a suburban like he's been domesticated, and he's just boring now.

And, I mean, it's one of those movies, like, there must be something in the contract when you join Scientology that you have to make one of L. Ron Hubbard's shitty screenplays a reality. Because all these Scientology people eventually do a terrible movie that is somehow based on something L. Ron Hubbard wrote, which I think this is what this is. And it is just, oh, my God. It's just so bad, man. It's just aesthetically just gross. It's just terrible. And I just remember being like, I just remember thinking to myself, like, you know, that planted the seed for like, okay, I need start um developing some ambition in my life this this cannot be where i am forever i think there was there was definitely a time where i think nowadays

if you know there's a famous person playing some kind of alien or monster cgi and makeup is at the stage where they don't need to look like the actor i don't know you could have like someone as famous as leonardo dicaprio or john travolta. I don't know, you could have someone as famous as Leonardo DiCaprio or John Travolta and you wouldn't know it was them. But I think back then, you know, they'd still have to show it was John Travolta and maybe they shouldn't have, you know, and it just makes it even worse because you can't sort of displace your disbelief at all because you're like, why is John Travolta wearing that?

Why is he blue? Yeah. It's like, this is fucking stupid. Like, just have him in a mask and not have John Travolta or just not show his face and we know it's him no there's there's certain roles that you just don't cast a star yeah so i can't take this seriously and i think alien you know what i mean like what if like jack nicholson was chewbacca it's like it's distracting just you're an alien that's just get a no name for that yeah yeah definitely yeah i think um because that was sort of like john travolta's career is very sort of up and down

isn't it like there was a point where because that was probably was it before or after pulp fiction because then he was suddenly cool again but he did a lot of just sort of shitty films yeah he's interesting he's one of those guys who he's like robert de niro where i'm like you know they're like a really powerful weapon but they need to be wielded by the right person because when they're left to their own devices they make absolute crap like travolta put him in the hands of tarantino whoa like that that is honestly the only role i've ever enjoyed john travolta and i enjoy him it's crazy because i enjoy him like immensely i'm like this is the greatest actor ever and then in

everything else he's just ridiculous he's just this weird like in in the battlefield earth he's still travolta he's like an alien he's like hey you know sandy come on blow the planet up it's like he's not even trying to be an alien yeah he's kind of i feel like he gets away with a lot though doesn't he it's like everyone's if you say john travolta people think cool guy i think you know but if you sort of went through everything he's done it's like the odds are stacked against him really but he's kind of whereas yeah i don't know, when he's good though. Like, you know, what's actually a good movie is Saturday night fever.

You ever watched that? Yeah. I tell you what, that's a lot darker than I expected. Like I thought it was going to be like, Hey, disco dancing. I've got my white suit on and it's like,

it's really gritty, isn't it? It's like, it's quite a shock when you first watch it. You're like, this isn't, this isn't all BGs and light up dance floors. This is kind of like in a city sort of gritty stuff. Yeah. When you first watch it, you're like, this isn't all Bee Gees and light-up dance floors.

This is kind of like inner-city sort of gritty stuff. Yeah. But, yeah, Battlefield Earth, man. I mean, it's just brutal. I don't remember getting through it. I remember just counting the minutes being like, when have I established that good hangout, man? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I've just remembered.

I've got to go and spend some time with people I actually like. But you can't say that. No. Yeah, any film that's like that, where it's like, it's so bad, it's just bad. And there's nothing funny about it. I think that's the real, like, the real sort of creme de la creme of shit stuff to be stuck with on an island. So I think it's a good choice.

What would your song choice be? So I didn't even know the name of this song i just knew it as the song that goes and it's by these guys i've known now it's by the fratellis yeah yeah listen i i will say this about the song i said every since i every time i bring it up the song will then be in my head for the next half an hour so okay listen nothing against listen, nothing against these guys, but I will say this. Whenever that song breaks out, I have always been in a situation where I'm like, well, someone's about to vomit on me. Yeah. Or, okay, I am about to see a girl, you know, kneeling down in an alley, crying, surrounded

by her friends. Nothing good has ever happened when that song comes on i'm never in a place that i think you know i've never been it's not i'm not in the library when that song starts playing and so i just think and people always lose their minds at it and it's it's just it's got negative connotations to me is all no it's sort of like an awful it's become like a sort of awful like drunken british national anthem you know it's kind of i've got this theory that like you know everyone's kind of like oh if you wrote a christmas number one you know if you get out one christmas hit you're set for life yeah and i think what they've done is sort of they've gone well we can't do a christmas song but imagine if we can do one that will be drunkenly sung by all sports fans forever

in this country that's almost like as good as having a christmas number one like you know a goal gets scored and they play it in the stadium and it's like you know because everyone can go and it's just that that tone of like singing and a lot of these people probably can sing in the crowd but it's like it has to be sung in a sort of way. Yeah. And it's perfect. They've tapped into it completely. They have the music that is soothes the savage beast.

Actually it riles them up though, which is see, cause whenever I would do comedy club, there's certain comedy clubs that, you know, they, they would take no precautions to set the gig up. It was just like the comedy was the last thing on their mind.

They'd be like, let's serve food. These people are here for that. And so one thing I learned, I used to do the boat show. There's this boat show that CKP used to run. And I used to say to the girl who ran it, her pre-show music playlist was absolutely – it was an art. And that's when I realized that kind of stuff really is important for a gig to go well, like the pre-show music. I've had – I've done gigs where they just were – the pre-show music was that Adele song you know that that really yeah that like um

uh no one like you oh and i'm like what are you doing like but the the other side of that coin is freaking that da da doot song and people are just guys are tearing their shirts off they're just like raging i'm like this is not the energy we want in the room right now either so yeah it just sort of if you hear it's just one of those things you always hear it from a distance and sort of shudder a little bit it's like oh god it's like distant thunder you know you're like oh god you change your direction you're like oh okay do it that way i'm gonna go this way yeah we're like oh this place looks all right should we go in here no no no no no let's not go in here let's just it doesn't matter we'll just go to a pizza express and just drink there or something you know there's anything that's not this someone's getting punched yeah for sure also i think it's it's been around long

enough now that it's part of the cultural fabric to the extent it's not going away ever now it's just there forever like it will never die now yeah well i remember i i would do these shows in edinburgh and there was a um a pub there called the three sisters and like it would there's a massive courtyard and i'd be like stuck in the middle of the courtyard you know you're like maybe you're just and so sometimes the dude song would break out you know and it was like it was like in the lion king when the stampede happens you'd be like oh shit like you you don't want to be midway through the courtyard when the da-da-doot song starts. And you never knew it was going to happen.

You know, things were normal before then. Like, oh, people are just having a little boogie there. And then all of a sudden, da-da-doot. And you're like, shit. And you've got to run because, I mean, you know, it's like halfway between dancing and Muay Thai these people do when the... Definitely. The do-do-doot song pops on. Yeah. It's just nothing relaxing or fun.

It's just too much. It's like... I'm a grumpy old man. And so are you. That's why I like you. Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree.

I agree. Good choice. All right. Now, Russell, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? And again, I had two options here. The first option I thought was I used to live with this girl who would just buy random animals. She was my girlfriend at the time.

And she bought a hairless cat. Oh, man. And listen, this cat was a sphinx. And this thing was $1, 1500 bucks right and we we had a joint bank account at the time okay surprise she buys this hairless cat and i just remember this cat was like it didn't like me from the get-go it never liked me a real attitude and you you had to you have to bathe them oh god you know yeah you have to you have to bathe them and i would look on youtube and the cats that were being bathed on YouTube, I mean, they must have been drugged or something.

They were docile. They were letting the water just cascade over their silky skin. When I would bathe this cat, it was like trying to put a drunken Conor mcgregor to bed at night this cat would scratch jump all over me man like and so i thought okay that would be the worst animal but yeah there was another animal she bought and i said ah this is the one she bought this bird now we lived in a flat like the size of something you would get in the city right now, right? Don't get a bird. Don't do that.

That's cruel. Unless you're the guy who can walk around with the bird on your shoulder, those birds look happy. But birds need sleep. This is the thing. Your bird needs sleep, and they're very temperamental. So this bird would be in our flat, and I'm a night owl. I'd be walking around, and I just felt bad. I would constantly be waking this bird up. So this bird never got any sleep flat, and I'm a night owl. I'd be walking around, and I just felt bad. I would constantly be waking this bird up.

So this bird never got any sleep. He was out of his mind. This bird was like just – he just had this madness. He was just sleep-deprived for months. So he would bite. So he's already kind of getting on my nerves. But she went away. She was Russian, and she went home

to visit her parents she went away for two weeks and you know we had i had just started becoming a comedian and this this wasn't this lifestyle change our relationship was on the rocks now i mean as as she said being a comedian she said me once, this is not what men do. So she wasn't too happy with me when she left. And I remember she said goodbye to the bird and everything when she left. And she was just very odd with leaving me with the bird. I'm like, what's – like, really? You don't trust me with the bird?

Like, I can handle this, right? So she's gone. And I put the bird i'm like what's like really like you don't trust me with the bird like i can handle this right so she's gone and i you know i put the bird on my shoulder i would try to do that walk around with the bird and i remember i was on the phone once and i like to go outside when i'm on the phone so i walk outside and i'm about like three steps out the door and i just realized like oh dude and i just turned to my left and the bird is on my shoulder. I swear to God, this bird gave me a look like, you dumb motherfucker. And then it just shot into the air, you know, hovered for a little bit and was like, I'm out of here. And the bird flew away. And so the next two weeks that this girl was in Russia, I spent on this like Coen Brothers movie trying to find this bird. And it got weird, man.

I put out – I put an ad on the internet. Does anyone know anything about this bird? And back then, something – we had Craigslist, but it might be something like TaskRabbit over here or Gumtree. You know what I mean? And this guy gets a hold of me a guy who in san diego he used to he would have a he would display birds on the beach that was his thing he was like the bird guy he was like a busker and you would just come by and see his birds he's like i got your bird like i've got a yellow cockatoo so it's a yellow cockatoo and uh I'm like, okay. So I drive down.

I'm like, stay put, man. I'm coming to get this bird. I drive down to the beach. When I get to the beach, I swear to you, this guy says, I sold it. And I'm like, you what? So he sold my bird. So he gave me the number of the guy that he sold it to. So I got on the phone frantically with this really nice japanese couple

who were driving cross-country you know leaving the state with this bird and i just remember this guy was such a nice guy and i'm just i'm just panicking like having him describe describe the bird to me what is he's like ah it turns out it wasn't my bird but the the worst thing about it this was like the the ultimate like this is why i wasn't my bird but the the worst thing about it this was like the the ultimate like this is why i don't want this bird on the island because it just reminds me of this level of shame i felt this this like when she got home this was the worst part she came in and i said listen i got something to tell you and when i told her i lost the bird no surprise like she wasn't even surprised at all

i just remember she just very casually looked me in the eye and said i knew you would lose this bird and then what and i just thought how low is your opinion of me that you that you knew i would lose a bird and then add to that i did lose the fucking bird so not only would this bird be a nightmare to live with but he would be a he's a he's a constant he's a totem of my uh of my absolute lack of ability uh to handle any sort of responsibility. Oh man, that's such a like perfect set up to sort of fuck you. It was almost like she bought it just to kind of like annoy you as a parting

shot before she broke your heart or something. Cause then I looked back and I was like, Oh, she did say, she said goodbye to the bird, like really, really goodbye. And I just thought thought fuck man like

i knew you would lose this bird but that was it that was it she just not even surprised at all like goodbye bird oh man i'm leaving you with a moron you will be gone enjoy your new life that's it i mean it's one thing being stuck in an island with loads of animals that you find disgusting or that are dangerous or creepy in some way, but just one that just sits there and just basically calls you a dick all the time. He would shit on you. But I'm glad he's free.

What's the point? Why have a bird, man? Put it in a cage? I couldn't handle it. Yeah, exactly. And just resenting you as well for never getting enough sleep. It's weird. You don't think of birds being an animal that gets grumpy about sleep, but I guess it makes sense. They need to sleep.

And every time I see a guy out there with the bird on his shoulder, you see that in London, just a guy walking. I'm like, man, how do you do that? But I also see people like that. And I always kind of firstly, I think, God, that would be wicked. Have a little bird, go on the tube, you've got a bird on your shoulder and it flies off when you go in the shop flies back on that's cool and then i think i bet that person like what you know you go for a drink with him and his bird once you finish

talking about the bird i bet there's fuck all else to talk about like that's his thing isn't it it's like he's the bird guy you know and at first all the girls like him you go off and you get some drinks talk to other people and then someone else comes up so oh you've got a bird yeah no this is my bird like really casual about it like he hasn't got a bird on his shoulder oh this thing you know it's like past that you got nothing pal i reckon so that's that's what i think you're a one trick pony bird guy you know it's just like having a massive broach or something it's a talking point it's like you know but after that you're like yeah i don't think there's much much there that's it it's hollow man it's it's it's totally superficial those bird guys yeah definitely fuck them well look russell i think you've put together a really good selection of people and

things to make your time on the island absolutely horrific so uh you have you have nailed the brief so uh well done and thank you very much for that and for coming on and um obviously you know at the minute it's you know we're still in lockdown it's a really tough time for comedians but where can sort of people you know keep in touch with what you're up to and and see see stuff that you've done well i'll tell you what um i have uh i've got a tiktok and um you know i missed the boat on t TikTok initially. I'll tell you, honestly, I was doing a gig and there was some young, like there was like some 15, 16 year olds in the audience. This is right before anyone knew about TikTok and they were telling me about it. And I thought, man, I could have got into the ground floor. But I missed that boat.

But I'm in there now anyway. up clips um from like i've just got so many like old clips just not even really old just from the from this year just sort of uh and so uh go on there it's at russell hicks comedy so check that out those are coming out like two or three a week and uh that's been going pretty good so at russell hicks comedy on tiktok and my girlfriend and I have just recently started our own podcast that we're going to do through lockdown and perhaps beyond. But we basically, it's called Domestic Disputes. It just came out last week. We're going to do an episode every week.

And the premise is simple. We live in a flat together. And she is incredible, got a mind like a steel trap but she just as you can tell i am a belligerent blowhard and i just sort of have these wild thoughts uh and and i like them to go unchallenged but she regularly challenges me and so we thought let's just put those let's let's record them and put them out for people. So we argue about all kinds of stuff like the movie Last Christmas, whether chicken on the bone is better than chicken breast, Matthew McConaughey, Kim Kardashian, all these weird things.

So that's out now. You can get that anywhere. You get a podcast, Domestic Disputes. Nice one. So go and check it out. Brilliant. All right, mate. Well, thank you again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been a pleasure. Thank you, man. I had fun.