Desert Island Dicks - RUSSELL KANE

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

Dan is joined by Russell Kane, one of the busiest men in comedy, but not so busy that he couldn't spend some time talking about who and what would be the biggest dicks to be stuck on an island with. Listen, and you'll almost certainly be happier than you were before maybe. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features Russell Kane. You know him. He's everywhere.

He's one of the busiest men in comedy, but he still made time to share with you the people and things he'd least like to be stuck on an island with and it's well worth a listen so I'm very glad you've dropped by. Before we get stuck into this episode a reminder that we've got two live shows coming up on the 1st and 2nd of December at 21 Soho in central London. Joining us on the 1st is Fern Brady who's really funny I'm really excited about that and on the second, we've got the wonderful Stephen K. Amos, a veteran of the scene. He'll also be brilliant and I'm also very excited Pod. So get a ticket now before they're all gone and I'll look forward to seeing some of you in person in a few weeks time. Just before we start I also want to say it's really good to be back. We've had a great reception since we've come back with this new series so thank you for all your

correspondence. It means a lot to us. If you ever want to get in touch with us you can at any time on our socials instagram and twitter at dixpod or you can send us an email dixpod.com contact and using all those channels you can tell us who and what you'd hate to be stuck on an island with and we might read it out on our companion podcast compact dicks right that is enough from me now so let's get stuck into Desert Island Dicks with Russell Kane. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian, presenter, writer and host of the Man Baggage and Evil

Genius podcasts, Russell Kane. How are you doing? I'm just happy I survived the crash, really. There's been some damage to my to my leg which I think is infected so a lot of the answers won't be relevant because I'm not expecting to survive past a couple of weeks when sepsis will set in so I'm going to base my answers on that okay well I mean when we find out who and what you're spending your time with on the island it might be a blessed relief to know that death is coming well it all depends on on who you pick well death was one of the companions i was going to choose but i thought that would be cheating i mean how did you find the process of of sort of whittling these down i mean are you someone who finds it quite easy to vent and and reel off a list of stuff that you hate if i'm doing panel shows or

things like this um i will if there's missing word rounds or things I need specific pun jokes for, I will obviously open those, but I normally don't even open the research pack. I've got to be honest. I just love, I love being hit with a question because then it's my real answer. And because of the nature of the way I write and perform is I don't write and perform anything.

I, I, what I talk about on stage is bullet point. I take a bullet point at a preview. When you're preparing a show bullet point at a preview. When you're preparing a show, you do a preview. And if Lindsay had done something funny, like she did at the weekend when she got drunk and got trapped on the stairs, I'll just take that on stage.

I won't get to my WordPress system right now. I'll go bullet point. Lindsay gets drunk on the stairs and then I improvise that. So if I'm happy to improvise the fine art that's paying my mortgage, I'm more than happy to have a few tricky mind questions and scenarios thrown at me and see what comes out my god okay well i think i'm sure you're absolutely not going to struggle with this because it is very straightforward you know okay well look who's the first person that you would hate to be stuck on the desert island with

the honest quick answer to your first three questions you can ask me for three people or two three people so i can answer all three i will of course like give you a proper answer but i can give you the real answer straight away okay and the real answer is i would love to be trapped on desert island with no one because what i've realized is lockdown has taught me how much i fucking love being in a room on my own doing nothing. I mean, I think my ideal setup, even if I wasn't a designer just in real life, would just be a membrane that I can just walk through. And then there's a stage and a microphone. And then I get sucked back into it, like in Ace Ventura 2, disappearing into a bumhole.

I'm so good at my own company because I love books. I love just thinking. I love just being chilled. So the idea of being trapped with anyone at all is terrifying. Even someone I would really, really love to be trapped with. That said, if you're forcing me, I'm going to have to pick people that I'm different to. And the reason is this. I think the temptation here is to pick someone you've got nuts in common with and get on with. That would be the worst possible fucking thing anyone on this show could suggest you need to be trapped in an island with someone as different to you and with opposing views as possible because what would happen is on the surface initially you

would hate each other obviously but underneath you would be able to find deep connections and solve problems because you would have things that the other does not have. This is what makes a marriage strong. This is why one slob will always marry a meerkat. The one who drops the bra on the floor, my wife, will be with someone like me whose socks are in ascending size order. This is what makes life work. So with that in mind, Hitler. So I've sort of turned your question back to front the person I would I would like to be left on an island with least is the person I'm going to pick because I would want to learn so much from them and I think I could utilize them so that my surface repulsion was something I would push through to solve problems maybe not someone as extreme as Hitler but maybe someone like the next

one down Boris Johnson no uh no someone like Nigel Farage or someone who politically I'm different to because I would think I would get less bored. If I sat there with Caroline Lucas, I'm a Green Party voter, after 20 minutes, what are we going to do? Talk about recycling that doesn't exist because we're on a desert island. Yeah, OK. Plus, I would definitely always pick men so there's no pressure to shag so if we're sort of going for let's say like some kind of extreme right political figure yeah it would be the sort of um the like the first person to be stuck with then i wouldn't go for an i wouldn't go the only reason i didn't go tommy robinson is i like someone with a degree that's right wing because even though they're racist they can still teach me about Achilles.

Okay. All right. So, I mean, I suppose... They are going to keep you on your toes, obviously, mentally, and then probably... Yeah, marking. Yeah. And maybe physically as well,

because you're sort of never sure if they're going to try and kill you at some point. So I suppose there'd be a degree of strategy there, which would sort of, but I mean, I don't know that the level of constant bile might sort of ultimately. It wouldn't be bile though. It would be a dialectical conversation because there's no audience to play up

to. There's no one to impress. There's only each other's viewpoints. It would be closer to, as we've all read Socrates when we're 14 and rolling a spliff, do you know what I mean? But if you go back to Socrates, he always has and rolling a spliff do you know what I mean but if you go back to Socrates he always has a conversation with someone who's the opposite

to him and he always tries to defeat them or you you just learn I think in our society we've become too scared of people that think different to us and this is why we find ourselves in the pickle we're in politically people that know students know platforming i can't get my head around that i don't i don't want some trans phobic right-wing person hanging around the uni socializing i do want them on stage putting their views on there so i can interrogate them and speak to them about them i do want these people on question time maybe not all the time because there's an argument oh you're legitimizing their views by putting them on there but what people don't realize from radio for land is if you don't put politician x on question time because you accidentally legitimize his view it doesn't stop the guy existing or the girl existing

on whatsapp their views are going around on whatsapp a lot more than these people with their head in their arses realize best off now again, stick what I would call a monster or someone you're opposite to on TV, on the mainstream, on a uni, and let's see what they really think. You might learn something. Why are you so scared? Is your liberal viewpoint

so terrifyingly thin that you cannot take a debate with someone who is racist or against the environment being saved? I'm confident. I'm like Anthonyony joshua bring it i'm not scared so why should someone with political training be scared i bet it baffles me it's so cowardly i suppose yeah i mean i get i know i absolutely get what you're saying i think

in a desert island setting though i just wonder if there's going to be a point back to the year no no i just wonder if there's going to be a point where like this is a beautiful sunset but i keep hearing this person talk about you know like white supremacy and i do want to cave their head in but they wouldn't talk about that all the time and the other thing is this is part of the problem i hate being on the left because there's no money in it and no originality and they're desperate for people with right wing views but i can't help it i want to i want to save the environment and i like brown people therefore i'm stuck on the left but the point is this not me but white liberal people are so miserable i don't know if you've noticed the more left wing the comic the more of a miserable twat they are and racist people are really happy so just to be selfish for a second

i don't even know right wing people are quiteipper. They're always in a good mood. They're always making points in a fiery way. They're not sort of back in their chair with pubes leaking out of their bikini lines, looking like they want to kill themselves. So, so far as the desert island setting is, the views might be a boring, but I need some of the energy.

We're going to have to cut down a palm tree later and turn it into a shelter. There's a lot of outrage though, isn't there? Like right-wing outrage of like, oh God, look what they've done now. You can't even say this anymore. So there's a sort of outrage though isn't there like right wing outrage of like oh god look what they've done now you can't even say this and so there's a sort of out of course i wouldn't have them in my town but on my desert island where there's no one to be outraged about or oppressed do you see what i mean racism quickly disappears when it's just two people and you're left with that person's temperament admittedly i'll be exploited by him and do all the work while he extracts the means

of production from my withered skeleton other Other than that, I'll be positive. Okay, so we're going to say, right, the first person to... Nigel Farage. Okay, okay, we'll give him a name in there. Nigel Farage. Okay, fine. But it's not for the obvious reasons that people would think. Okay, fine. All right, well, Nigel Farage joins you. Who's going to be the next dick joining you on the island well I feel bad for saying dick because I love I love their work but any personal trainer or any fitness guru would be the next one I would not want on there and this is I'm playing your game traditionally now we're going to get all back to front so I genuinely do not want the better

they are for example Joe Wicks who I would class as someone i certainly know how to say loads and i wish he was my friend he's a lovely guy but do i want to be trapped on a desert island with someone who's ripped to fuck and doing pull-ups hanging off the tree no one of the pleasures of being this island is letting yourself go and dying as quickly as possible i don't know what food supplies they're going to be but if there's no girls and plus i do quite like exercise but i've got a phobia of working out in front of people so i can't go to the gym i can't go i'm speaking to you now the dressing room this is a perfect gym behind me i can do everything i need in here push-ups i can hang off the door i can do pull-ups i can't bear to exercise when people are watching and judging and

the worst type of person to watch and judge you exercise the personal tree your angle of your push-ups not quite right well how what muscle do you think i'm trying to work are you psychic fuck off yeah but that works the back muscle good that's what i was trying to do now shut up let me do a workout definitely i'm the same as you actually except like i'm all right as long as i don't know anyone in the gym so there was a time when like when we could work in an office and i'd go at lunchtime and there'd be another friend of mine from the office who'd go and if I just even knew he was on the same floor as the gym I'd just have to run I'd just have to run away so as long as they're sort of you know an anonymous person which is because of what I do something I can never experience unless I'm abroad so that's

funny enough now you say that when I'm on holiday I do use the gym a bit if I'm like a nice all inclusive I will go to the gym as soon as i hear an english accent the workout's ruined yeah right yeah i think yeah the thing is because part of you right i'm on the i'm on the beach with a fitness instructor this could be quite useful they can keep us toned and trim and sort of like keep our energy up and stuff but like they'd always be better than you like they would you know and i think you want like quite a level playing field and a desert island scenario also i don't want someone toned and trim keeping my energy up i don't want any of those things you just listed i don't want someone toned i don't want someone trim and i don't want someone managing my energy whether it's up or down yeah i i'm in control i feel like shit

then when i lay in the sand just shit myself and not get out of bed i don't want to be told to do jumping jacks yeah also i kind of think because part of me is like oh they'd be really useful on the desert island but then there's a lot of people who are like I guess you get fitness trainers who are like fit and healthy and they train for strength and endurance but there's quite a lot who just train for like looking really good in tight clothing you know and I don't know that it would translate to being actually any use on an island it's like can you climb that tree it's like no I could climb a rope you know I haven't know that it would translate to being actually any use on a night. It's like, can you climb that tree? It's like, no, I could climb a rope. You know,

I haven't got a rope, climb the fucking tree. Exactly. You know, so then you'd be stuck with someone who looks great and is just useless. And you might as well have a statue. This is it. It's just,

it's just none of the, none of the practical skills you need and probably an annoying human that will be expecting more of you than you can deliver. Yeah. I can imagine quite a picky eater as well. You know, they're like, I'd be really happy about all the coconut water, but they're not so happy about like i don't know

what coconut meat so high calorie bro yeah exactly but it's only coconut for dinner settle the fuck down we're having coconut every night until we die of potassium deficiency deal with it okay that makes sense and um also yeah i mean they're gonna because you know you're gonna be having your debates with nigel farage yeah i bet nigel farage i bet he hates fitness enthusiasts and like personal trainers so like even if you're getting on okay with the personal trainer he's going to be getting nigel farage back up he's going to be moaning about it i think you know well you know nigel probably quite like the day being regimented and divided into distinct groups uh but me personally i'm not i'm not about that i just i don't like people that are trying to that put too much um do you know what it is i'm so self-managed i love solving my own

shit i mean i've got i've got i'm a big posh gig today there was loads of catering on offer i've refused everything there's a cool bag next to me. I like to know what food I've brought. I don't like anyone to be able to let me down or big me up. I plow my own field, and a personal trainer is never going to allow it. You have lots of ideas. You're looking down today. Let's try and get that mood lifted.

Fuck off. I'm enjoying wallowing. Leave me alone. What's wrong with wallowing anyway? Fair enough. Okay, okay. It was a good choice all right and who's gonna who's gonna round off the trio of dicks then for you that'll be Natalie Portman or someone like that I personally I don't want to think about one of the advantages being a desert

island is never having to to think about women ever again wouldn't that be amazing it'd be like being you've been neutered and been to the vets just you might even go a whole hour without a boner particularly if all you've got is Nigel Farage and Joe Wicks that would help yeah the tyranny of boner to be gone forever so Natalie Portman there who I had a crush on because we're about the same age my whole life would not help any sort of young anyone like that i'm into brunettes i've married a brunette um so anyone who wasn't my wife there would just be a total head fuck the fitter the worse yeah and in place i'd rather have ann widdicombe who i would take my right wing box and b i don't want to fuck her and c and c she

shits at fitness so that's the triple threat right there well the most uncomfortable scenario then for you would be then natalie portman and i think obviously you know the worst thing is i think because you know on a desert island as well it's like there's going to be a point where you're like well we've all got needs but you are technically still married but you know you can't but you're never going to see them again but you are still married so you've always got that coming up in your head and it's like you know even if you know you know that your wife might have moved on and found someone else you're still stuck there and it's like but you've still got this wedding ring and there's hope you know it's like it's like a cast

away isn't it you know like exactly it's not just that you're just you're just we're making that typical male assumption that the woman would actually want you can you imagine the hell of being trapped with a fitty that goes i know we're both gonna die but i'm genuinely not attracted to you so you're gonna die wanking that would be the worst death ever is to die rebuffed starving and wanking whilst joe whilst joe wicks does a mountain climber next to you knocking one out no thanks and farage probably pounds a census that's the last thing you see this has turned into an absolute nightmare well that means you're doing a good job because that's the idea of it really you know so uh that that proves you're on the right track okay so I mean it's a good it's

a good mix I've got to say I mean you know you've got three distinct groups there so you know this this is this is a good a good island so far I mean good for being bad well I think what we're discovering is I don't like people who have got integrated opinions, look good on exercise. What does that say about me? I'm a pepperami with hairspray on this, as much as I can offer the world. Okay, well, we'll distract you from the people then,

because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad well i'm going to contradict myself here slightly because i can't bear junk food now i don't know if that's because i've been eating clean for so long and if i was going to die i probably would be fine with pizzas and takeaway and stuff but i now cannot I mean it must have been a decade no longer since I've had a McDonald's for example veggie or otherwise so part of the appeal of a desert island is fresh produce I would hope some animals some fresh leaves and coconut but if that's

not there and all we had was a pizza oven and frozen pizzas that's my worst nightmare yeah is to die from in a diabetic coma from eating junk food because it would be like a punishment for all the judgmental thoughts i've had for all the unhealthy fuckers that are eating themselves to death so would you say frozen pizza would be like the nexus of like the worst food you get the worst junk food you can have i think probably yeah yeah i mean we can give you a buffet if you want of like you know mackie d's mackie d's is awful but pizza is famously the single worst takeaway you can get if you get a bad one because it's got everything in it that the human body like shouldn't be i'm not like a i'm not like a no-carb-free i'm not i don't follow

any diet i follow the eat a medium amount of things a moderate amount of the time and move a medium amount. People hate that diet because it reveals there is no magic solution. So what I don't want is to become the thing I dread, which is eating one food group. And your nightmare presents that. And the worst single food group I can think of is the pizza. Highly, highly milled and processed fake fake dough i love white loaf if it's well made uh with fake fat on it and shit cheese and fake meat no vegetables mate you're looking five years max your liver your liver would be pate and you're gone okay well yeah i mean i just think there's certain foods that people hate on here and like you kind of think okay but that wouldn't be so bad on a desert island.

You know, like, I don't know, like it might be a certain vegetable or something. But you think if that's all you're eating, that's not too bad. But yeah, like a really bad pizza in the sun on a desert island, like a cheap, bad pizza. Do you know one of the ones that's got like a fake Italian brand name as well? Like Di Marchini made in beret near manchester yeah like really thick pan like really deep deep like bready yeah a cheap one do you know a pizza frozen pizza pizza would be the word i've had friends when we were teenagers who worked in pizza and it arrives maybe it doesn't anymore pizza don't sue me but when my friends worked there it arrived cubes of fake meat in frozen buckets when you look at the pizza hut branding

it's one of those brands that feels like it's from another era the little the quirky hat the scribbled font it's so old so to be forced to eat just the smell if you open it it's like a subway a restaurant shouldn't have its own smell each dish should smell different but if you open the door of a subway and go there's a subway smell yeah the same smell yeah i've always run up with subways it's like you're making sandwiches it's the smell of fake it's the smell of fake meat it's weird isn't it yeah i got put off like dodgy pizzas ages ago in brighton when i lived there and um they used to be like in this sort of like shopping center town square there was like a little stall that sold pizzas and and like it didn't even say what meat it was but I was a student so I just sort of like do you want veggie or meat it was

like I'll meet and then I went and I was walking along eating this pizza and my friend said oh what meat is on it and I was like I don't know and I genuinely and I thought about it for ages and I was like I I can't come up with an answer. I have no idea what animal this ever was. And I was like, yeah, that was a wake-up call. It's just something you should always know the answer to. What meat is that? Exactly. When you're answering no to that question, you need to ask yourself some other questions.

Exactly. That's what happened. Okay. And what would you wash it down with? What was your drink choice? Well, any sugary soda. I've not had a sugared soda drink in years. Unless you would count, you know, like a cranberry juice

or if someone had to have like a fake lime cordial in a margarita the other day, which I would never ever do again because it's fucking not a margarita. It's disgusting. Any fake-ass fizzy drink drink the thought of it i'd literally rather have some morphine in fact what's negative about morphine leave morphine and just od when i'm bored yeah i mean we haven't got a pharmaceutical section on the show but you might be able to find

a first aid kit or something on a plane i imagine they've got some quite good supplies somewhere so that's for you to explore separately i think sugary the idea of it not being like even if we had no water but we only had wine at least you get merrily pissed as you slowly dehydrate yeah died yeah but to be left just with cherry coke i mean that's it that's the drink cherry coke yeah because that's like an artificial flavor on top of an artificial flavor isn't it it's just the reason why we don't deserve to exist as a species and we won't in 100 years time cherry coke yeah and really hot and sticky as well you know like oh mate no way of chilling it gross and it's gone flatter it's gone slightly out of date which it would have as well and there's times you're going to be thirsty but you have to drink

it in those tiny cans that come on planes as well so what is the point of that i've got one of these actually water that isn't full-sized so as i speak to you now i'm drinking the 300 mil bottle of water what is the point of that what's that for a toddler that if you look at that that's a mouthful that's a mouthful yeah you do look like a giant holding that up so i mean it's ridiculous many cans of cherry coke you've nailed it okay right then. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads.

Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, fortunately, Russell, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Oh my God, well, my least favourite film would be any would have to be the sex in the city film which i was forced to sit through i mean if you'd if you'd have offered me

least favorite tv programs it would be sex in the city or friends either one as yet there isn't a friends movie so i can't choose friends believe me i would have chosen friends over to the city is worse because at least with Sex and the City, I've got a chance that Nigel Farage and Joe Wicks will also hate it. There's that outside chance. And we can join in hating Sex and the City together. But with Friends, everyone always loves it except me. So I can't take that.

With the zany, unfunny American humour. No thanks. And Sex and the City, city i mean i just i sat through it the first time with my first girlfriend when i was younger and now i'm sit through it with my wife who also still watches it even though she's 12 years younger than me and goes to watch the movie which isn't about women It's about four men who act like men. The script's obviously been written by men or gay men. It's just about people that just go out fucking straight away. If these women are real, please direct them to me in the past.

It's weird because even the most ardent Sex and the City fans, a lot of them still think the films are shit as well, don't they? It's weird. Exactly. So that's how bad that film is. Didn't they come out quite a long time after this the tv series ended so it's obviously like film like there's some money there maybe there's definitely some money there fuck it let's just make it they're up for it it's cynical cynical extraction of capital from women who buy now if they're still into it their last egg has. They're living with cats and they've got nothing else.

What a cruel thing to show them Samantha still pounding away. Although she actually obviously isn't in it anymore. She was the only reason a lad could enjoy it. Samantha. Isn't she? So, yeah, isn't there another one now? But then without her, that's where we're at now with it. So, like, even the originals are dropping out.

That's the one I'll probably be forced to watch on the on the destroyed entertainment system out of the airplane the one that's so shit you and i don't even know if it's out yeah yeah that's going to be a tough watch for a long time and uh i mean again it's just going to rile up nigel farage i think you can't you can't even switch it on and go this time let's just watch the character development because it will dawn on you there are no characters there's just a selection of vulvas doing hilarious things for an hour and a half it's such a good example of just ringing every last drop out of a franchise you know like like the the returns must be getting smaller and smaller but they can't let it go it's like if the cast are just sort of getting too

scared to be in it now because of just they've had enough it's like you think that would be the warning to the other three but maybe the checks just get so big you're like well i'll just do this and then i do nothing else ever again and fuck it i can't remember what book i was reading something to do with economics or trends and um the guaranteed reward of a reboot or a sequel there is a guaranteed level of income that is not there when you make a new film it's just guaranteed no matter how bad you make it so if you and i only had a million pounds to make a film and we can remake a film and our remake would be shit or we can try and make an indian it might be good we we will guarantee get money right and everything makes a lot more sense

now yeah so that's what's killed original cinema this algorithm yeah because i went to the cinema i sent my son to the cinema a few weeks ago and like we were watching a sequel and every trailer was for like another sequel of something they already had they work business-wise sadly right okay well you're there with i tell you, Russell, we'll push the boat out. We'll give you a Sex and the City box set, including the one that's yet to come out or maybe has come out now. And what would your song choice be?

I use music quite as a tool, really. I know it's going to make me sound like a serial killer because, as a rule, anyone that doesn't like animals, children or music, I've always got questions. You know, I love babies and children. I love animals. I'm like Dr. Doolittle. But for whatever reason, music has just passed me by.

As a love, as a thing I do. Dancing, yes. But to be a dancer, it doesn't really matter who comes on. So I went to a party on Saturday. I was the first one up dancing, and me and Lindsay were the last ones to leave. leave r&b hips to the floor ass touching of course i'll recognize if beyonce comes on but half of it when it's a guy just going can i touch your tits girl which is basically all of r&b look how expensive my watch is can i put my wheelie in that's the whole

of r&b basically look at my stuff can i touch yourits? I can dance all day long. Same in Ibiza. Last week, I did Ibiza for four days. I was fucking smashing my arms out to techno. I feel every beat. Could I tell you any song I listened to on my whole day at Ibiza Rocks, which I was there for nine hours? No, not one. So what it means is I'm a user of music rather than a listener. I might use it to walk on stage. I would never use it to exercise too. For example, I always have an audio book or a podcast. So if I could be left with one audio file that I did like,

my non-nightmare, there's no doubt about it, it would be a really, really long audio book. Okay. War and Peace. So what's the opposite of the thing I would love? That would have to be music I couldn't even dance to. Shit white people music, in other words. Near enough any song made by a white person that's rock.

Okay. I mean, something like All Sit Down by James. All sit down. Anything like that, all the way up to its current grandchild anything by Coldplay in fact the only reason Coldplay would be good is that it would encourage me to kill myself after day one and not not string out the the stay on the desert island so let's do that because although it's my nightmare it's got a benefit built in I'm going to go with yellow by Coldplay oh yeah good choice yeah oh yellow too because the sand as well i'd

look down at the sand guy sounds fucking yellow and then i would murder nigel farage and then just kill myself it's good you're taking him down with you i guess at least yeah like yellow is such a sort of i mean it's just it's such a definitive coldplay song isn't it it's just so sort of he's got he's got that real like nasal slightly out of tune kind of thing to him and I know I know I'm a bad it makes me a bad white person but I've never been to a concert I've never been to a rock gig I've never watched someone play guitar live in my entire fucking life obviously I've been in pubs where someone's picked up a guitar and I appreciate live music I love it I can sit and watch a Spanish dude but if I'm on a

night out I want stuff that gets me up and dancing I don't want to be thinking about what the lyrics mean and the harmonic chord changes I suppose as a kid I didn't mind Beatles and stuff like that I can definitely appreciate what Freddie Mercury does as a performer and you can sort of strut and dance to that so there are exceptions but as a rule any sort of thing rocky and particularly anything downbeat i mean i tell you what would be absolutely so much worse than yellow by coldplay and it's so bad i'm not making this up i cannot name a single song by them anything with morrissey in it okay i can't i can't name a song there's one that goes, whatever that one is.

Then I'd kill myself on the first hour. I wouldn't even get the sex in the city first disc in and I'd see the disc and I'd just slice my throat with the CD as I heard Morrissey. Fair enough. Yeah. Do you know what? I went, we, um,

me and my family today, it was like a really hot day on the day we were recording and we went down South bank and it was just, it was, you know, lovely day. We were strolling about having a nice time and there was a guy busking and he was just like the epitome of everything you're saying basically he was playing like a i think it was a green day song but the really downbeat one and then you played a really downbeat one by someone else and i was just like mate like have a day off yeah exactly like and i was just saying to my wife i was like imagine

like you met him in a bar and you hit it off and he was like oh yeah i'm a musician you're like oh that's cool yeah there come and see me play on south bank you're like great yeah and then you turn up and it was this and that's what you'd so you've just run a mile just like i'm sensitive listen to our shit i know i do draw a distinction between when you ambiently encounter music like like on the underground or like you have or in a pub. And I quite like it regardless of the genre, whether it's someone playing a violin, whether it's R&B,

but to take myself to a venue or to purchase music or indeed to have it thrust upon me through an airline accident. No, thank you. Okay. So we're going to say like, maybe, I don't know,

maybe a live Morrissey CD so that you can really feel like you're there you know with like the crowd noise and everything and his long rants about vegetarianism in between songs and that sort of thing maybe that would be the worst thing we could play with i mean can you actually name a morrissey song i do know a few yeah i know i know a few what was the one i was singing i think it was heaven knows i'm miserable now there we are that one the one where the one where he's holding a lily shortly before he turns into an islamophobe okay well that's that's yeah that's with you there then okay now russell finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why horse a horse okay uh i mean i am so this is a difficult question for me because i'm an animal

lover in my life i've had a pet insects i've had crickets stick insects i've had lizards snakes cats dogs obviously all of those i've had house rabbits that i trained to live in a litter use a litter tray even when i was a stand-up used to come home and my rabbits barry and barbara would use the litter tray and they slept on the couch with me and stuff. So I'm a massive animal lover. Right now, even with my crazy life, I've got three cats and a dog. But I have to say, horses, I don't know what it is. It's a sort of phobia.

If one comes near me, all I can see is Christopher Reeve's face. And I know I've got a lot of friends i've got a very very dear friend who's really really into horses and she'll hear this and she'll be mortally offended but i don't know what it is they just scare me and the thought of one being on the island and the pressure to ride it and explore the island as well it's the same as having the personal trainer there i can see what you're saying but no thanks yeah i have trouble with animals that are that big and powerful yet have been sort of tamed by humans because you're like at one point you'll turn around and realize that you're really strong and powerful and be like what the fuck am i doing like and just kick off and just destroy us

you know you just look at that back leg and you think if that kicks me it's just unbearable the idea of it just christopher was superman superman finished with a pipe in his throat what there's no hobby i don't want to learn to ski jump i don't want to learn to water ski i don't want to learn to ski skiing's another one fuck off skiing horses motorbiking i'm not i'm into none of those things stand up is extreme enough anything where there's a risk that you could fall off and break your neck sort of sucks the fun out of it for me as a one-off like to do one bungee jump or one horse ride of course i've done those things just to see what they were like but to up the odds by constantly doing them now mate that's all i can say well that's it as well because if it's like a well-trained horse and you go and you get a climb up and there's someone with you and they're telling

you what to do but if there's just a loose horse on the island and also actually i forgot i mean we're saying the island is overrun with horses and that i mean that is scary you just see them like occasionally just cantering about and like in a in a group like a stampede of horses just be terrifying particularly if they're not tamed because then they really are useless i mean wild horses are even more fucking annoying what is the point of them why what was why did they evolve and how have they got into a fucking island just without with the other hooves like paddling away sort of like a doggy paddle with hooves yeah god an island full of horses would be terrifying i think you're right yeah fair

enough good choice all right well russell you know you've you've uh you've taken the brief and you've nailed it you know you've got an island of of horrible people and things so um so well done um now uh russell you you seem like the busiest man around uh what are you up to that people should know about at the moment well specifically as i speak to you i'm about to host the hairdressing awards downstairs um but main thing i'm doing is making two shows one for the bbc evil genius bbc radio four you can get that as a podcast that's where we take people from history villains or heroes and weigh up whether they should be cancelled or kept evil or genius we do plenty of reverse episodes where we take bernard manning or margaret thatcher people it's trendy to hate and i let off truth bombs amazing things you didn't know about these

people i play with your minds and at the end um the panel have to vote sometimes we make them with a live audience it's incredibly good fun to make but very very very labor heavy as you can imagine in fact just before i connected i got an email can you learn about genghis khan and elizabeth for first by next week? So fun, but full on. And I do another one called man baggage where I get men to talk about the issues women wish they would talk about. It could be anything,

depression, body hair, cheating, whatever. We, we, we cover it all. We always have a female auditor guest as well to make sure we're not talking

shite as well as that. Just all the usual, uh, telly. I mean, I'm not showing showing off it's just easier to say just switch telly on i'm doing a lot of channel four at the moment i've got during lockdown i was like what the fuck do i do so i started doing daytime telly with steph mcgovern and i absolutely love it um so once or twice a week maybe you'll find me over on channel four doing steph's packed

lunch which is like channel four's answer to this Morning and Loose Women and all that. So that's good fun. Definitely a new skill, you know, working live and things like that. And then obviously just a shitload of stand-up. Go to russellcain.co.uk and find out if I'm coming near you to do a gig. Brilliant. Nice one. Well, good luck with everything you're doing.

And yeah, thank you very much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. My pleasure. That was Russell Kane there, very eloquently creating an island hellscape of his own making. So thank you, Russell, for making time for us in your schedule. I don't think he's listening to this but you know i'd still like to thank him i'd like to read out some names now and then i'm going to tell you something about them afterwards because desert island dicks is a sync clap production created and produced by james deacon

presented and produced by me dan benedict. Our editor is Chris Attaway, got social media support from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton, and a special mention to GrandMamsterFlash, who's our statistician, and John Deacon for his regular digging in the podcast archives for us. Now, reading out all those names make it sound like we're a big professional setup, but actually, we're just a bunch of mates helping each other out, and it's grown over the last few years we've been doing this, and we've got to this place where there's a bunch of mates helping each other out and it's grown over the last few years we've been doing this and we've got to this place where there's a few of us

getting stuck in but you know we're not paid by some big media organization or production company we don't get given guests on a plate and we've grown it all ourselves from nothing and the reason i'm going on about all this is that we're competing against podcasts that are backed by big companies with lots of money and famous people presenting it with their famous friends. And, you know, truth be told, it can be difficult being a little upstart like us, emailing millions of agents and hassling people all the time when we're supposed to be doing our day jobs. So what I would like you to do is make sure you subscribe to this podcast. Then please leave us a nice review and also tell your friends about us because all of that and you hear other people talking about it but it all helps us cheeky

young tykes take on the big dogs it pushes us up the charts gets us noticed and then we can take this podcast even further book even bigger guests and this time next year you and me we're going to be laughing as we dive into a huge pile of coins like scrooge mcduck but instead of coins it's just going to be metaphorical podcast guests and we're going to go look at all these amazing guests we got oh my god this podcast is so amazing okay so if you can do that i will really appreciate it so please do those things and it'll be a massive help we're going to be back next week with another great guest so until then thank you for listening and we'll be back soon for more desert island digs