Desert Island Dicks - RYAN SAMPSON

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

Well, looky here! We back baby - did you miss us? We've missed you and to prove it we've invited the most excellent star of Plebs and Brassic, Ryan Sampson to join Dan on the desert island. He's absolutely nailed the format and we're sure you're going to love it. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks and we're back. Thank you for your patience while we had a little break and tended to some behind the scenes stuff in the meantime we've been hard at work booking guests and we're very pleased to say that we're now with Adalicious as our hosting network they're going to be helping us out with sponsorship and stuff like that and that's going to let us do more of what we want to do which means we're going to start churning out more episodes of Desert Island Dicks for you

along with the return of Compact Dicks as well we're going to put out a fresh episode every week with no gaps between series we're just going to we're not even going to have series we're just going to be and we want your contributions too so if you've ever listened and made your own mental list of who or what you'd put on your worst desert island, then let us know. Go to dixpod.com slash contact and we could include your submission in the next Compact Dix. Dixpod.com slash contact. You can send us a full list

or just the odd thing here and there as it comes to you. You know, from any of our categories of people, food, drink, song, film or animal. We also want to bring you not only the biggest and the best names, but also some that are on their way up or people from different areas of different industries things

like that so you know it should be really fun. Today though we're joined by actor Ryan Sampson. He's probably best known for playing Groomio in Plebs and there's a new special of that which is out now that you can catch on the itv app at the moment and he also plays tomo in brassic and loads of other stuff besides he's brilliant but i've yacked on for long enough already so i'll be back at the end of this episode but for now let's sit back and let the dicks flow into your mind it's desert island dicks with the very wonderful r Sampson. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their

desert island dicks with us today from Brassic and Plebs is actor Ryan Sampson. How are you doing? I'm all right thanks. So before we started recording we were just saying that you know you found it quite hard to whittle down the list of people for the the dicks today yes now listen i don't consider myself to be an especially hateful person that's that is i think that's what we call a caveat there up front but i just i have sat there and i've opened this floodgate of bile and there was just the the flood was was significant behind it and i just feel like it's not going back in now. Like, when you start writing a list of all the things that really piss you off, it's quite impressive. There's a lot in there.

I sometimes say to people, I hope that this can act as a sort of cathartic thing so that afterwards, you know, like, you've opened these floodgates. Hopefully, you don't have to try and fit it all back in. And, you know, it can sort of escape and you can be lighter on your feet afterwards. But I mean, I can't guarantee anything. Yeah. Like a lovely Swedish massage where all the things that you really dislike just get sort of rubbed away, little knots on your back. Yeah. I mean, as I say, I can't guarantee anything. So we just have to see how it goes. And I can only apologize if you end up angrier afterwards.

But let's see how we get on, shall we? OK. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island? OK, right. We're just going to start easy. I'm going to go with men, and it largely is men, who, right, have you ever walked into a men's bathroom, right, and all you notice is that a tap is still running.

And it doesn't seem like a particularly significant thing, but when you realise that someone has gone into a bathroom, they've turned on a tap, and then all of the thoughts have just gone out of their head, and they've thought, this has got no connection to me whatsoever, and they've just fucked off. It's emblematic of a larger psychopathy within people,

a sort of selfishness that exists around around us all the time but you never see symbols of it and the running tap is for me it's the the red flag of all red flags it's like why do you feel like not nothing that you do it's the same people who just like casually throw a kit kat wrapper out the window and then just carry on you know it's it yeah yeah it bores my piss um and recently on set i i found what my first ever time i sort of encountered one in the wild so a cast member who will go unnamed um he was coming out of the toilets having used the back the the tap and i saw it running and suddenly it's like oh I can I can never look at you ever again and he must be aware there's some fosterness on my point but what can you do um let's make

which leads me to the fact that did you know that apparently 50 to 60 people that have no internal monologue really I suppose it's just like hold music in their head it's just nothing it's just like hold music in the head. It's just nothing. It's just like a sync. So if you're talking to someone and you're thinking, like, what the fuck is going on in your head? There's a significant chance it's actually nothing. I remember speaking to a friend actually about this and I was saying something about, you know, my internal dialogue. She goes, yeah, but you don't actually hear the words in your head.

Oh, my God. Yeah, of course you do. Babe, yes. And it was one of those things where she was making me feel like the weirdo because i could hear myself in my head and i'm like am i mad am i am i the mad one because i can hear my own voice in my head like how do you think you are in the minority because 50 to 60 people are belling about there in the world with just absolutely nothing in their minds. It's amazing to me how do they make... And we are really alienating a lot of the listeners now because a lot of people are going to be evaluating

whether they're just one of these empty heads, I'm going to start calling them, who divide the world, the entire world, in a line of the empty heads and then the us. And then eventually there'll be a huge war between us and one will obliterate the other. I don't know. But we will probably get obliterated

because we're just so neurotic. We're just confuddled by all of our thoughts. Yeah. It's weird though, because I kind of think like, you know, if I see my cat sitting there and I'm like, what must it be to have no voice in your head? And it's like, oh, but then there are people. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not comparing you to my cat, but I just find it a really hard thing to imagine, like just talking away to yourself what's in your cat's head is exactly the same as sue from hr who seems like there's nothing going on every other person it's like a cat's head but and i relate these people specifically to the people who leave a tap running in toilets because it's it's the same vibe entirely it's people who just don't have any consequences going on and it it fucking boils my blood yeah yeah i know it's not like your water bill you're paying if it's a public bathroom or whatever but it's still like why would you not think today it's just a really weird thing it's like people who open the door

and then don't close the door it's like you're sitting in a pub and the doors almost had this different night we're sat next to the door that goes outside and people who just it's sort of dividing line as well people who open it and then walk through and then just leave it open and you think god how blissful it must be to just think that when you've done something in the world there's that doesn't exist anymore that's all behind you now you can let all that go yeah i'm turned 40 this year so i feel like it's i'm ripe for like the odd sort of petty crusade um you know and it's sort of like it's getting really angry about people on electric scooters on the pavement and things like that like really caring about the bins and um like i'm really fed up with the amount of people just letting their dog shit

everywhere and in my area that is another one that's people who i didn't even think of this but this is a this is a a rich scene this one people who not only their dog shit places but then bag the shit and put it on a tree like a sort of nightmare christmas tree like they thought i mean it's better if you just leave it on the fucking ground and then they've put it on a tree like a sort of nightmare christmas tree like they've thought i mean it's better if you just leave it on the fucking ground and then they've put it in they've like a weird ornament what is going on there why do they think it's better for it to be dangling i know it's insane the reason it was making me think about like the the tap people is because i watched recently from my front window a woman just walking her dog she's like looking at her phone and the dog stopped on

our front lawn took a piss and i'm like i mean you can't really obviously you can't clean up that and it's not the end of the world that a dog had a piss there but it's still a bit like you were just sitting on your phone the lead had stopped moving so obviously your dog's doing something you didn't even look back to see what had happened before you kept walking and to me that's a very leaving the tap on kind of vibe you know what it means i'm grouping this person along with these kind of psychopaths because it's just like yeah well whatever something's going on very close to my periphery that i have control over but fuck it you know yeah yeah the world's my toilet basically yeah and i mean being stuck with this kind of mentality on a desert island i mean it's like did you pull net in? Like, no, I just let it drift out to sea.

You know, like, did you put the fire out? Oh, no, I just let it burn down the fucking shelter. Yeah. Well, thanks, David. Yeah, yeah. That's gone now. Yeah. So I think it's a very good opening. It's a nice catch-all, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Because I think that just sort of, like,

small act of, like, selfishness or just lack of self-awareness can just you just it's just going to permeate everything isn't it yeah yeah absolutely i'm realizing there's a common thread of mine is a lot of them are selfish people i feel really strongly about this like have a little kinship guys come on we're all together okay well who's the second one going to be then okay so i'm going to give you a choice, okay? Are we going to go with Harry and Meghan, both of them together, or are we going to go with people who can't touch raw meat but eat meat? Oh, okay, okay.

Well, look, let's do our workings out, shall we? Harry and Meghan sounds contentious, but isn't. What's your thinking behind that? So my thinking behind that one is, listen, I was very pro Harry and Meghan. I was like, the royals have ousted you. You are the underdogs. I fucking love an underdog.

I love that you've just gone, sod this, we're going to move to America. I was very, very on their side. And then I watched the first five minutes of that Harry and Meghan documentary and I realised they're just basic as fuck. They are so, both of them, they are so vapid and they've got like the world at their disposal.

They can like enrich themselves in any way possible. And all they're concerned about is their Instagram feed. I mean mean the amount of time the amount of mentions that social media get from harry and megan you're just like is this really it is this all you're meant to be sort of these emblems of like perfection of like what you can do if you've got opportunity and privilege and you know money behind you and you care about is the fact that he's got at one point harry goes about megan uh he says i um i was uh scrolling through uh her insta feed and i um i found this photo of her

with a dog face filter on her and i just, who is that girl? It's just a fucking basic loser. Like, oh, my God, that's what this is. Of course it is. You're just boring people. And I had such high hopes for you. I thought you were these big sort of, you're making a philosophical standpoint. And maybe they are as well. You know, like, maybe there's all that going on.

But more importantly, they've got a grey velvet sofa and they talk about snapchat filters and my judgments are damning and then my judgments are final it's kind of disappointing because you kind of think i sort of expect their life to be sort of i don't know he comes in puts his fencing helmet on the table he's like oh god i'm so tired and i've still got to meet the un at noon and then he's like oh god i'm so tired and i've still got to meet the un at noon and then she's like riding on a horse like i've just done some important aid work and i've just sort of brought water to this community and in an impoverished developing country or something but if it's just like you are just sitting about on your phones

just getting stressed about yeah bullshit i kind of wanted you to aim a bit higher. Yeah, exactly. You've got everything at your disposal. And do you know what? They might be doing the aid work and the galloping in mysteriously on a horse from the UN or whatever it was. They might be doing that. But it all is rendered null and void

because they are amused by very basic Snapchat filters and they use that as their fucking genesis, their meet cute of their love story uh it's just like guys tedium and she talks about it she talks about his feed as if it's like really emblematic of him of his personality and that's another thing like this whole people who take instagram too seriously it's like yeah i, I'm having to sort of withdraw from social media altogether, as we are, because it's like toxic and vile. It's one of the worst things we've ever done to ourselves as a people, I think.

But to think that it's got some merit is just really disappointing. I looked on his feed and there were photos of Africa. And she goes, and environmental photos. I'm like, oh, my God, Megan, like, we can do better than this. I think you're already making quite a strong case for them. And I mean, just the logistics of sort of being with people like that on an island. So people are like simultaneously quite basic, but also very privileged is sort of. Mate,

you are that you're talking my language. Like I, I don't have a problem with privilege as long as it's acknowledged and you are acknowledging using it to the best of its potential. Like if people can give their kids things, those kids should run with it and do things and do great things and help out other people. But yeah, if you're sitting on your sofa scrolling scrolling through photos all day i'm just like this is this is not what i'd expected of you megan i hope for more well i mean i think

you made such a good case for getting them on the island i mean this was only like a possibility wasn't it do you think it was any possibility but now as i'm talking about it my sort of vitriol is rising and i feel like they are like they are people that i would just fucking hate to spend my time with i mean on an island what are you going to talk about with these people also harry's just so wet isn't he bless him and it's like i don't i don't want to dislike that about him because i just think he's this downtrodden rule and he's had a rough old time of it, hasn't he? But at the same time, love, you're going to have to start that fire soon because we've got to boil litres of water

and we are literally dying here. We've all got dengue fever. It's gone south really quickly. It's not a nice desert island. We've got one of those terrible... If you know the island of Bear Grylls, we've got one of those with if you know the island of bear grills we've got one of those fucking flies everywhere it's like we just we just need the basics to be put in place can you go in real cycles with the royal family like because you know at one point he was kind of

like a bit of a sexy bad boy yeah i mean at one point i remember years ago when i was young like william was a bit of a heartthrob for a while they both went through a really fit phase and then they've gradually sort of tapered that off yeah and harry was like this sort of like slightly dark horse mysterious kind of bit of a bit of a troublemaker and now he's just yeah he is a bit bland well i know let's not go back to the nazi costume days you know that was maybe a dark period it was the nadir of his of his journey but you know if he goes through the darkness and he's found this this beautiful place and we thought you know what he's really struck her he's he's found something now turns out the fucking dweeb okay so we think we're gonna go with with harry

and megan on the island then um and also have you you seen that documentary? It's so not my type of thing at all. But it is just, it is schmaltzy as fuck. And it's like, it's, from the off, you're meant to feel really sorry for them. Like, so it's like sad music, sort of wistful montages of these people growing up. And so you're immediately like, well, I fucking hate you now.

I'm just not not i'm not on side at all whoever's doing the editing job on this it this is for an american crowd it's deeply off-putting to an english person it's like cynicism you see yeah i guess maybe that's the thing we've got to make it over here now so like how you know how do we endear ourselves as a product to this market which is pretty horrible and cynical. Yeah, yeah. When you see it like that, yeah, that 100 million they've gotten from this series,

actually, they've earned it. Bloody hell. They've earned it by making the world think they're absolute fucking bellends. All right, well, I think, as we say, we've made a very strong case for them going on oh they're in aren't they yeah i mean is that is that is that cool with you i mean i think you've argued it perfectly so i mean i think it's but i mean we can swap them out if you want they're all up for grabs i think

you should choose the end because it's gonna be there might be far too many okay so another one i'm going to audition for you right okay i feel very strongly about this people who can't touch raw meat but eat meat you can't say to me oh i can't do that no i can't i can't touch for me it makes it goes through me well you're not having a chicken burger then leanne because it's they are in a are intrinsically linked and i would actually go on further to say that i mean these people are not going to be good on desert ireland anyway those aren't the people that we know but i i go on further to say that i mean these people are not going to be good on desert island anyway those aren't the people that we know but i i go on further to say that if you're going to eat meat you better be all right with killing something i think everyone in my dominion everyone needs to go out and kill one thing that they eat in order to then be allowed to keep eating meat and if you

can't do it that's great that's really good we need more people who can't have it the world is we are eating way too much it's terrible so it's a it's obviously an ecological disaster however if we just weeded out people who are a bit icky about it then we're in a much stronger place no i agree and i'd add in apart from the raw meat you know you get people who can't like eat meat off the bone as well, because it's like, oh, I can't eat chicken on the bone. And you're like, well, it doesn't, it doesn't come on a lollipop stick. It comes, that's how it comes. Actually, that's, I mean, that's, you know, with a caveat to that, which is that now we're growing meat in laboratories, like huge, great, big, cumulcular slabs of it. So I think, you know, like, there might be a day when no one remembers bones in your chicken anyway. Chicken wings don't exist. I do actually think we should all move on to that. I mean, I'm okay with some scientifically grown meat. I feel all right about that.

Yeah, me too. I think it's fine. But yeah, and you get to a day when people go, why are they even called wings? I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? My oldest son, he's five and recently we were

eating some lamb and he's like why is it called lamb and not sheep because things usually die when they're older don't they so like not this one baby yeah exactly and i had to go well no because like it's nicer to eat it when it's young so but how do they die when they're young i'm like well well they have they kill it and i kind of really really thought, oh, this is going to be the point where he might just decide to be a vegetarian at five years old. And I thought, that's obviously fine if he does. But then he just turned it around on me and said, how do they kill it then? With a crowbar?

Oh, wow. Turns out you've got a little psychopath. You've got the opposite thing, haven't you? You found out that you've got a potential murderer on your hands i know tiny baby i just thought wow i thought you were going to be a bit screamish but i thought wow you're you're the least screamish person in the house it seems like yeah that reminds me i was at work and so i'm filming brassic at the moment and so um Michelle Keegan is uh a wonderful human being and she's on it with me and um she said to me the other day she comes out as absolute gems um as we were talking about the Jeffrey Dahmer series it's on Netflix I was like I actually can't finish it I am a pretty I like a bit of bleak TV but it is it's too much it is extremely dark. And as well it should be. It's, you know, but like the dad, he, you know,

like because he teaches his son to taxidermy. Michelle goes, oh yeah, he taught Jeffrey to do taxidermy and that, but Jeffrey took it too far. He did a bit, didn't he, Michelle? Because he slaughtered quite a lot of young men so he probably went a little bit far with it on that front yeah he ran with it well yeah it says you have to be careful about introducing hobbies to your kids i found so you know i definitely hide the crowbar these days yeah you must they're just responsible thing to do really um yeah i think

people like this who sort of will eat meat but don't want to think about any of the the production of it or like the animal that it comes from i think you know it does tie in again to like a sort of a selfishness doesn't it it's like well as long as i'm all right i don't really care about all the rest of it and yeah yeah i think as an as an adult when people are still like really picky and fussy i find it a little bit annoying as well you know yeah absolutely get in the bin get on my desert island it's not going to be fun okay so we're gonna we're gonna do you think i mean normally we would we would choose three three people for the island so we've got three groups but obviously i know you you know you're chomping at the bit to get a few more in

so are we gonna are we gonna stick with this sort of reluctant meat eater or do you reckon there's someone else that you want to sort of put them up against one or two more and then you just choose dealer's choice okay all right okay well let's see my next entry for person on my desert island of hatred why i am with them by the way on this desert island you are with them these are like your companions who survived the plane crash yes so it's less of a joyful endeavor than i'd imagined just i sort of briefly was thinking i'm all just putting them on their own desert island but i forgot i forgot the fundamental rules that i am there with them i'm conflicting quite a lot of myself so the next one of this is um so when i was i'd say between the ages of 11 and 16 i did not have one single friend in the world

i was an absolute social outcast right uh to the extent that i used to walk around the perimeter of the school i could do on a lunch break i could do two and a half per lap of the perimeter of the school right always trying to look very busy with my 90s book bag thing you know look really busy like i'm going somewhere like hustling along like as if i've got something to do because you don't want to be that guy who is in fact just walking on the perimeter of the school two and a half times because he's got no one to talk to him um yeah it was a it was a it was a very unfriendly environment for little ryan and i've got i've got this photo of myself obviously it's no good for a podcast but um i took when people ask about this i show them this photo of myself because it kind of explains it all i looked like at age 13 i looked like

my flatmate was like why are you a regional bank manager like i looked like whatever that picture is in your head because you can't see it whatever that picture is that's what i look like these sort of strange curtains of this very flat hair for some reason very a very round boy um with a very short little school tie and the most smug prick glasses that you can possibly envisage i mean they're really like it's a really punchable vibe. So, you know, it made sense. But the person that I'm going to put on this island with me is in my time of crisis. I really loved my RE teacher. She was really lovely to me. And for a brief period, I was like,

well, that's it, I'm being a vicar, aren't I? That's obviously what I'm going to do. I love RE, going to be a vicar. In the class goes, someone asks her about something she goes well god made adam and eve not adam and steve the whole class erupts into raucous homophobic laughter and all points at me and it was just deeply a deeply traumatic memory but now i'm like well babe i think you might be going to your own hell that you yourself believe in how's that for divine retribution she's right she's she's there i'm there for sodomy she's there for just being a prick

oh it's heartbreaking it is bit right yeah yeah uh less funny than deeply traumatic but she can get on this island with me i'd like to see her you know whittle a cabin yeah yeah oh man i mean god re teachers that can like because they've got this sort of religious fervor they just get away with saying just crazy mad shit crazy mad shit and this was the 90s when almost anything went in schools like the fact that you used to have to go in the showers completely our showers completely naked in one big mass shower with a with a PE teacher watching it you're like what what was happening in the 90s where we thought this was acceptable yeah like is it so bad if you go home a bit dirty in two hours time

probably better that than having deep-seated trauma about showers for the rest of my life you know I'd rather have a bit of muck on my legs yeah i remember having an re teacher who like absolutely believed every single word as it was written and you'd say things like you know you'd be like eight years old and be like will my rabbit go to heaven and he'd be like no it doesn't say that in the bible and you'd be like oh and you'd be a bit crestfallen like um my friend's a muslim will he go to heaven it was like only if he repents and you're like holy shit i mean this is like you know why have we got a whole a whole subject dedicated that is run entirely by religious fanatics like you say for school children it does seem a very i mean, if RE teachers are going to be

there in schools, shouldn't we have like people teaching how to do taxes? I mean, that feels like, I get the one socially enriching, but I mean, do they have RE teachers anymore? Or is it like? I was just wondering that because I can't imagine. I mean, there must be some schools that still have it, right. But I mean, I'm just thinking of like our area in london and it just it just wouldn't make any sense to sort of i think it might be personal yeah to sort of just have like a bit of everything and sort of going right well this is the idea of religion and here's all of the ones you can choose from i think would make sense but yeah i don't know i'm sure there must be like schools where there is still just like a christian re teacher who's a bit mental yeah yeah i suspect it's all of your pshe now isn't it all our re teachers have morphed into these social minded

um people who have to teach about a sort of plethora of subjects because they've realized that the significance of the thing they truly believe in has completely been diminished in the world yeah and possibly rightly so yeah oh man this this i mean that's just a heartbreaking story though to sort of say that i mean and also it's not that long ago really as well is it it's like no that's the thing no the memories are still fresh and visceral yeah i can imagine i can imagine wow i mean uh currently in the standings um of your choices i mean i think this person is leading the the reluctant meat eater onto the island yeah just because yeah she's pushed away through bless her yeah yeah because i mean what a horrible

person and also if that wasn't bad enough she wore a pleated skirt to school every day the woman was in her 40s and she was wearing like a sort of nana skirt and sort of nana tweed skirt and to be honest that can banish her to a desert island in its own right but i was very generous and i didn't use that as the the reasoning yeah it's weird when you get older and you think hang on all those grown-ups they were about my age and they look like that and Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's mad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I think she's sort of, at the minute, leading the charge towards the island. But, I mean, you said you had one more up your sleeve. I do, but this one's really... Oh, gee. This one, I just don't feel like you can say this. Oh, I'm going to say this,

but I feel really, really bad about it. Right. I hate the Go Compare man. Right. I hate him so much. Okay. I hate him, but also specifically him as a person, not as much him as a character. And this is horrible because he is probably just such a lovely man

but right i don't want to see you out of character as well as in character i don't agree with the idea of you being on the adverts as yourself letting me know for some reason that you are an opera singer as well as being the character you've broken the fourth wall and you appear to be doing this sort of side hustle, which, do you know what? I respect. I respect that you've got the chutzpah to go, sorry, guys, sorry, guys, but I am going to need to do a bit as myself

where I point to a laptop and it's just got a bit of me singing opera in it because that's who I actually am. Like, I mean mean the more i talk about him the more i think he's fucking great for that he's i mean he's got some plums hasn't he it just because it feels like a contractual arrangement has been reached where he's gone look i'm not going to be the meerkat guy i'm not going to be alexander the meerkat whatever it is i am going to be me and also the go compare opera singing guy oh by the way if he'd stayed as just this friendly mustachioed

pavarotti pastiche i would have been completely fine with it it's just the in-person appearances listen if i go to disneyland i don't want to pop in the staff room and see fucking pluto with his head off like i don't want to see who you really are you've broken the illusion the magic you've broken the magic of the go compare advert i wanted to believe this beautiful utopian world where they were just large cartoonish men singing but you've ruined that for me babe i kind of think with him that yeah there must have been a point where he was like guys i'm getting a bit sick of this i did train really hard to become an opera singer and they're gonna go yeah but you've probably made more money off this than you would have as like a mid-level

opera singer i mean it must be a really small pool. A high-level opera singer. I mean, he must have made loads off of that. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, for that advert to come along, I don't know what his career was like before, but there can't be that many of them. No.

It must be quite difficult. So you get a singer like that and you go, yeah, okay, great. And then you think, hang on a minute, I've made quite a lot of money off it. What if people knew that I was actually a real opera singer as well? Yeah. Can we weed that in there? Yeah. Because i'm getting a bit bored of doing this advert but i'm also kind

of stuck with it now and they're like well i tell you what if you extend your contract another five years we'll let you sort of slide in a bit of product placement and it's like and before we know it it's just gonna be adverts for go compare with by the way i'm not some sort of huge fan of go compare i don't i don't have a car and I don't care about insuring it. But it is going to get to the point in the future where it's just him giving us a solid few minutes of opera with a little Go Compare logo in the corner. Do you know what I think we're getting to here?

I think this guy should remain on your show, on this podcast. But I think we're putting him off the island because i actually think i'm a big fan i'm a big fan of his absolute hustle that he's doing yeah he is if anything he's standing up to the corporate man and i am fully as a as a socialist at heart i fully i fully appreciate that i think he's sticking it to the machine. I also like the idea that one day it's going to go so full circle that you'll go to the English National Opera, watch Carmen or some big spectacular opera,

and then right at the end he's just going to go, go, go, go. He's on it. Yeah, and you're just going to have to accept that. That's like to watch the opera. It's like you want to watch a video on YouTube, you have to watch the that that's like to watch the opera you know it's like you want to watch a video on YouTube you have to

watch the advert like you want to watch this opera at some point and you don't know when he's just going to burst into the go-kart hair song for just 30 seconds and

then carry on like nothing else happened yeah yeah oh god that's happening that's like you shouldn't have put that out there into the world because that is coming

we're at the point where everything is going to be monetized really soon you're going to get little Sergei, the meerkat, when you go to the zoo, presumably. I mean, that's the only context that I can think of him being there. One of the meerkats is an animatronic Sergei trying to sell you...

What do they sell? I don't know, some sort of insurance. I mean, he nearly went, didn't he? There was everything going on in Ukraine. I think they paused the meerkat for a bit because they're like, ooh, I think he's Russian, isn't he? but then i think they're like oh it's okay we've given it a month it'll be fine and sure he's got all the trappings of a russian oligarch you know like sure he looks exactly like the worst people in the world but you know what he's got a cute face and people like his catchphrase yeah yeah i wonder I wonder how deep they'll go with it.

And one day they sort of show that he got his profits from capitalizing on the privatization of the Russian gas network or something. It's all oil money and weapons trade with him. And when we dig a scratch below the surface. And if it's not that, it's like terrible inherited family wealth that comes from like waging wars i mean that guy he needs to be uncovered an expose yeah yeah okay right so i think on the island here we go we're going to put person who leaves the taps on he yeah 100 yeah and i think that sort of encapsulates a kind of selfishness that you could if we're being generous also have the the sort of reluctant meat eater within that group of sort of like, I'm only thinking about me in the here and now kind of thing. to say those things and I mean before you even got to that point I was I was just you know just

feeling so emotional about like imagining you as a youngster at school anyway and then for her to deal that killer blow I just yeah I tell that story is quite a funny story but I actually sometimes the horror in people's faces and when they just realized that I was just poofing about the school with absolutely no mates whatsoever uh yeah okay you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com all right well

we've got our people um so ryan we're going to move on because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over oh great unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay again we've got a few options okay right so in at number one and this is gonna this is gonna really turn a lot of people against me we've got nana's favorite is trifle okay um my own nan is gonna turn against me for this because she pulls it out every occasion the drive for me um yeah what i mean wet cake and the bottom of a pudding i'm not sure i'm not sure i've ever wanted that um and what then you're gonna you're gonna suspend little chunks of fruit in jelly which just seems like a a torturous idea the best time fruit the

freshest of foodstuffs, you've rendered it to this little sort of squidgy blob in the middle of my pudding. It's just not a, it's not what I'm looking for. And then as if

that wasn't bad enough, you've got a huge layer of just completely flavourless whipped cream on top of everything. I get that this is like a point of nostalgia

for people. I get that like, you know know the 70s were great there was like glam rock and and flares and all that sort of thing there's also an energy crisis and a lot of civil unrest and trifles so let's just leave the past where it is people try and do things with trifles like they try and make chocolate ones or ones with muffins in the bottom but i just think why are you persisting with this failed endeavor this failed experiment into food stuff yeah it's like it's 2022 we've got so many foods from around the world we can enjoy i just think i don't yes i mean several different layers of different wet things stacked on top of each other that none of them have any

texture yeah it's really it's for me the real kicker is the wet cake like i just feel like that's one of the absolute definite things that a cake shouldn't be is sodden and yet here i am munching my way through it because i want't seem like a part of this family yeah yeah it's a real sort of i don't know like you could take any of the bits from that and have them separately and make them better i mean jelly is a bit of a crap when you're a grown-up but you know i mean like you could still make all these things more interesting on their own but it's like a wet thing and a wet thing and a dry thing that should be dry but it's gone wet and some more wet stuff and you can't present it nicely it just sort of you go oh look at that thing and then

you put it in a bowl and you're like this looks like you've just dropped it from a height you know like it never looks good. Yeah a lot of 70s things are just a sort of compilation of foods instead of like integrating things into one nice dish they're just a sort of we've put this on top of this because it's all we've got at the moment yeah we're living in an age of splendor and abundance and i just think have you had a pavlova it's a lot better yeah i think you know there's things that we can be nostalgic for but like they weren't actually i mean people get nostalgic about the blitz and it was like when

your homes are being destroyed by enemy aircraft and it's like it doesn't i don't want to bring that back you know i'm glad you all mucked in and had a good time but like let's admit looking back like we don't want that to ever fucking happen again all these people who go to like blitz parties sort of dressed up in 40s gear so that i don't know so you can like revel in the idea of like misogyny and and you know undertones of racism just feels like guys i'm really not sure this is the right ballpark it's not putting me in the mood for dancing yeah i love that your stockings have got lines down the back yeah it's all great oh you penciled it on yeah great it's a lovely nod to the past but ultimately terrible time yeah yeah okay so trifles on there what other choices have you got

um we've also got anything that comes in a and i'm gonna say snap pot do you know what i mean by that you've got your tiny little things of beans oh because i only want to take a portion to heat up in the office microwave uh i just think like get a grip like the oceans are full of plastic like i have half a can you don't need everything to be individually portioned for you like you are a literal toddler like you that is actually what i'm talking about, isn't it? It's this sort of self-infantilisation. Like, I only eat little things that have been pre-wrapped because I'm lovely. I just think, no, absolutely not. Decant your fucking food.

Like, we've got the world is chock full of plastic and it pisses me right off. And I try and use as little as possible. but to think that there are all these tap leaving on dickheads without a thought in their fucking head who are just like gobbling their way through like i have a little actimel in the morning and it comes in a tiny little pot because it's ever so cute like you know it's oh i'm so troubled by you so troubled by your lack of values yeah yeah it's like when you see in the supermarket, there's like half a cucumber and it's wrapped up in plastic. You know, you see that sometimes.

Oh, my God. It's like, what, you can't manage a whole cucumber? Somewhere there's a factory that's having to chop them in half and wrap them again. Yeah. People have been slicing their cucumbers for millennia. Let's not stop it now, just because you don't think you can manage a full one on a Thursday night.

Also, a little side note for you. If you ever manage a full one on a Thursday night also a little side note for you um if you ever want a healthy little snack just a cucumber I will walk down the street just having a cucumber like a sort of calippo ice lolly right and I get some shady looks but I just think guys this is pretty fucking great actually you want to get it it's a it's a grab-and-go snack that all the family can enjoy. Yeah. Bit of salt on there. Bit of salt on it. I spend a lot of time in Bulgaria filming plebs,

and they are so fervently passionate about their cucumbers. They've got really good produce there, but specifically they love their cucumbers. And you're like, guys, you need to drop it with this whole cucumber thing. And then you have one of their cucumbers, and you go my god it's so cucumber um yeah and they whack a bit of salt in it sometimes a little bit of vinegar and you're good to go i sort of feel like yeah do do you are you sure about that dairy lunchable because you could just have a little salty cucumber i'm realizing i'm maybe not sounding like that's not sounding that appealing no but i think i bet it's right i think it's delicious yeah um but yeah so anything that

comes in like i'm even talking like your muller corners like anything that comes in these small plastic bits of packaging because you don't want to just decant something from a thing it just feels very wasteful and I'm questioning your values yeah, Muller Corners by the way I mean this is a new this anti-plastic

thing is obviously quite new in my life when I was a kid I would get my way through numerous Muller Corners and I was obsessed with trying to get my way through numerous mother corners and i was obsessed with trying to get it so that on the packaging there is a picture of a spoon with the yogurt the white yogurt and then a blob of the red compote are we calling it compote on top yeah you can't achieve that unless you are in a advertising setup where you're putting them on that i don't think they should

show you that it's a bit like you know when you get aquafresh toothpaste and it comes with like the perfect on the on the packet it has like the perfect squirt of it with the perfect lines all down the middle you can't achieve that you're just a man it's just sort of in a very small subtle under the radar way just sort of hammers home that life is never going to be perfect and like you can't do it right you know it's just like a little subversion just before you go to bed or like in the first thing in the morning the toothpaste you don't recognize it but it's just chipping away at you isn't it i think actually that's reminding me of something right when i was a kid um i was in um uh i was

in some classroom i don't know and um this they were telling us about you know when they teach about like um going through puberty and all that sort of thing and looking after yourself how to wash so you don't all stink because you're going through puberty um and the teacher was like and when you put your toothpaste on just just use a pea-sized amount. And this girl, I won't say her name, she said, I've been trying, but it's too difficult. And he was like, what do you mean? And she was like, I've been trying to do, but if you try and do a letter P with the toothpaste. And she'd actually been trying to achieve making a little P on the end of her, a letter P on the end of her toothpaste because that's what she looked like.

I mean, now I come to say it, I think maybe she had quite deep-seated issues. She's not well, is she? That's amazing. A little side point. Okay, all right, so we've got your food choices. Is there any more you want to add before we head on to a drink choice? Well, we've got trifle and we've got snackpots, so I'm just thinking the absolute nadir is a trifle and a snackpot.

Yes, of course, because they exist. They exist. Yeah, so next I'm going to go for what I'm calling canteen salads. These are salads that don't exist outside of a metal tray with a big ladle on it. So, for example, what they sometimes call Mexican three-bean salad. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's a lot of beans.

It's a lot of starch. Mysteriously, it's got no sauce whatsoever. It just comes in that sort of slime that the beans are in anyway. And then it's maybe got chunks of red onion in there for some reason and sometimes little bits of red pepper who is a hero of in the salad world but has fallen from grace and found himself in mexican three bean it's it's it's dry it's somehow both flavorless and toooured of onion and it does no one in the world has ever made it apart from din ladies who are like marion we're one short today we need to pad it out joey do a mexican joe it's all right do a mexican free bean no one will notice and i think it's the

kind of thing that people put on their salad plate because they're like oh god I should really have something that's vaguely healthy and this looks really punishing so I'm just going to do it I'm going to bite the bullet

and ironically biting the bullet is exactly what it feels like to eat one yeah you're right like you never go to anyone's house

it's just there isn't it we're having Mexican three bean salad tonight the whole family rejoice Yeah, you're right. Like, you never go to anyone's house. It's just there, isn't it? We're having Mexican three bean salad tonight. The whole family rejoice. Yeah. Yeah, it's very weird, isn't it? And again, it's one of those things where like, all the constituent parts are fine,

but put them together and it's just a shit thing. Like, whack a sauce on it. I'm sure also the idea that a Mexican would see this three bean salad. Like I would just love to see that response. Like what? I'm not going to do a Mexican accent. What the fuck do you think we are over there? We are masters of flavour.

There are fucking herbs sprinkled on everything. And you're serving me this. What kind of weak ass British person nonsense are you presenting me with? Yeah, yeah. I feel like it's got a real 70s vibe to it as well, like the trifle. It's like a 70s idea of what was kind of a bit exotic. And it's exotic because there were three beans in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not two, but three whole beans.

Oh, man. I'm really struggling to sort of decide what i find more offensive like a mini pot of trifle or a three bean salad i think i probably i'm gonna go with the beans because i just feel like at least the trifle like at least it's kind of sweet and like i think the elements are there like that are enjoyable on their own but i think with a three bean salad even if you separate it it still won't be that pleasurable just eating like the separate beans on their own so i think that would be the bleakest thing to be stuck with on a desert island i think get in the bin right i'm stuck with that you know and it's from a plane as well you know so it's like and it's gonna be really oh

yeah i think that's a bleak thing to be stuck with. OK, and what would your drink choice be? I'm going to go with Hot Ribena, slash Hot Vimto. It's just, it's so sad to me. Like, the plethora of hot drinks that you can enjoy, I just feel like you're warming up. It's also sort of like this baby food. Like, you're 35, Lynn. You're 35. Put down the Hot Rib ribena get a glass of wine in your hand

sure it's 9am i don't care ribena on its own fine but you warm it up to me it's just like it becomes very medicinal yeah and i think people sort of like that in a way that you know like people when they're ill enough to have a lemsip there's something comforting about the lemsip even though they're just drinking medicine they sort of feel find it comforting and i feel like it's the same sort of i think it's pressing the same buttons you know having a warm ribena yeah it is it's this sort of i often say to my boyfriend that i i take the piss out of him for saying he like the food stuff that he enjoys are like soft and unchallenging. And he really dislikes me saying this. It's not going to go down well.

But I have a problem with that whole soft and unchallenging vibe of like foods and drinks that are making us feel like we're children again. I just think fucking grow up. Yeah. Okay. Well, I think that's a good drink choice. And something to be stuck on a desert island with only drinking hot ripe bean it's just horrendous yeah okay all right

well i think we've got we've got your uh your nutritional uh needs um sorted on the island so we'll move on now ryan because fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why okay well i know i know song my least favorite song that is going to be playing ad nauseum in the background of this island is it's got to be perfect right i fucking hate it it's too it's synthetically jolly but nothing is that happy and i will only appreciate a song if it's got some bittersweet twinge of sadness in the background which says a lot about my character god I'm a rancid old prick I'm

miserable old cunt I hate the song it's too jolly in that sort of 80s fucking footloose jumping around sort of thing

that no one buys into anymore but more specifically it's not got to be perfect your values are at whack nothing's perfect and you're on to a bum steer But more specifically, it's not got to be perfect. Your values are out of whack. Nothing's perfect. And you're on to a bum steer if you think it's going to be.

It also, I think what it's talking about is some sort of relationship judgment. And I would say to that, you're on the wrong track very much so. You're not going to find what you're looking for. I'm sorry. Romance will never be yours yeah it's one of those songs that I've sort of gone on about this in the past in this podcast

you know certain songs you might have seen them on an advert or as a theme tune to something and it's bewildering that they were actually meant as songs in their own right before they were used in an advert like that to me it's like someone's written it

gone into a recording studio someone's greenlit it put it, it's been in the charts. Like, does anyone... Who's it by? I've no idea who it's by at all. I don't care to find out. No, no. I don't think anybody knows who it's by. It's weird to think that there are people who get back from work of an evening, and maybe they're in their car, and they think, do you know what i'm

gonna do i'm gonna put on it's got to be perfect and we're just gonna have a lovely ride home i just think yeah you've no absolutely not doesn't it it's so synthetically cheesy that does it not ring hollow with some deeper sadness in your being if you hear it it makes it is so happy as a song that it makes me feel sad yeah i remember going on holiday with a friend of mine when i must have been about 10 or 11 years old and and it was like quite a cheesy sort of resort in minorca in the 90s and karaoke was going on and someone getting up and singing that. And I feel like that is absolutely, it's, it's,

it's home, you know, is in the sort of a nineties cheesy nineties holiday resort with exclusively British people. I think karaoke is, uh, an art form in its own right. And it's not about singing good.

Karaoke is about the choice of song, right? The absolute baller move you can do on karaoke, I think, is you sing a song in the wrong style, right? Give me a jazz rendition, like a lounge singer's rendition of Boom Boom Boom, let me hear you say wayo. You know what I mean?

Like, that's the kind of shit I'm there for. I think you really show your true colours at karaoke. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, to pick that song as well it's just such a weird thing so i mean there are people out there who enjoy it as a song in its own right which i find totally bizarre but um yeah it's a good one it's such a just such a mundane fucking song like it's it's more offensive than something that's out there like assaults you with its you know like if you pick something like abrasive and horrible like this is worse the

blandness i mean there's there is a beautiful seam running through all your choices here and there's a sort of like a mundane beigeness to all of it which i think you know it's like that very much is a three bean salad of a song isn't it it is a three bean salad of a song it's just like in terms of like lyrical excellence that that exists in the world in songs you just think you really went with this your statement that you're making about that from your soul to the world is it's got to be absolutely perfect or i'm not bothered it's like it it's just the mind boggles like if anything I want to make a sort of counter riposte

to it that's like it's definitely got to be imperfect and it doesn't it's not as catchy granted but I think

I can run with it yeah yeah I think it's a very good choice a very good choice okay and what would your what would your film choice be?

a film that I hate. Now, this is really difficult. It's fucking Dirty Dancing, man. It's fucking Dirty Dancing. It's that person again. It's the fucking trifle in a snap pot, three bean salad, Harry and Meghan loving individual

who whacks on Dirty Dancing at the end of an evening. I'd heard about Dirty Dancing for years because a certain type of person, and let's be honest, a certain type of woman often references it as their favourite film. And you think, I've never seen this. It doesn't sound like my kind of thing. But I am intrigued

because I need to know what it is you're all banging about. So a friend of mine sits me down to watch Dirty Dancing, and it is worse than you've imagined. It is the lines ring hollow. The characterizations are flimsy. Everyone is the wrong age for what they're playing. I mean, everyone is 15 years older than what they're saying they are. The values are very strange.

There's some really deep-seated misogyny floating around in there that we expect from a sort of 80s film, I suppose. And the music's crap. It's just like, I feel like, you know, in terms of rom-coms, like it's not my genre or the rom-com, I mean, or romantic movies rather,

but like you've got some great examples of it like loads of Woody Allen films I mean the man's very questionable but he churned out a few good ones you've got great sort of meet-cutes and interesting psychological dilemmas between people when Harry Met Sally it's not my kind of thing but it's like at least you can see this wrangling

between quite an awful man and this, like, slightly uptight woman. But fuck me, Dirty Dancing, and their songs are shite, man. Yeah, I'm just saying, I hadn't seen it for a long time and then watched it and was sort of, right, is this what... It feels like, you know, some things,

someone watched at a very formative age and then because of that it means it's stuck with them forever but then when they're older they don't sort of then re-watch and go yeah it hasn't actually aged that well or it was like i liked it when i was 14 but now i don't you know but like yeah it's it's pretty boring i found like it's not that not that fun you know I'm sure there will be listeners screaming at this as well, but I feel like it's one of those that you're not allowed to criticise, but I think, you know, that's why it makes it even more fun to do so. Yeah, I wish I had more specific reference points, but I haven't watched it in quite a while, and guess why?

Because it's fucking awful. So it's a catch-22. Yeah, that one's getting in there on the island. Fair enough. It's just me watching that on loop, that one's getting in there on the island. Fair enough. It's just me watching that on loop until eventually I come to actually quite love it. And then I start to think that I am baby and I can only reference lines from it

to Harry and Meghan and my RE teacher who are also there. We all just become various characters in Dirty Dancing and live those out for the rest of our days on this hateful island. okay well listen we're we're almost towards the end of you picking awful things for your island you've been doing a fantastic job but finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why oh god this is really hard because i don't

i don't hate on animals because I think they aren't doing shit to nobody. Like they are, I just got to look after those guys, you know, uh, to the point where I, I have, I, I, here is an example of me when I was dweeby teenage Ryan. So I would say I'm about 13, right? And we go on a Spanish exchange trip to a group, the class goes to Spain. And then afterwards, all the Spanish kids are going with us. So we're in Spain with these Spanish kids. And we're at one point doing ball games in a field.

Obviously, I'm off to the side because I don't fuck with that kind of thing. It's not good. I can't catch. i'm off to the side because um i don't fuck with that kind of thing it's not good i can't catch i'm off the side and i notice i hear this sound like a this and um two of the spanish kids are playing spot you know like kicking a ball and then bouncing it and kicking a ball and then bouncing it against an actual living horse right and so i and you've got to remember that i look like a regional bank manager at this point so i march over all full of myself and i'm like uh hola amigos no es muy bien this sort of thing i'm supposed to be spanish no and um I'm trying to like dismantle this situation

when the fucking horse I'm trying to stick up for swings round its head and bites me on my tit like really hard on my fleshy tit yeah because I was I was quite chunky

at that point and draws blood right so I lift up my t-shirt and I've got like a huge sort of love bite around my nipple um like a purple bruise and it's drawn blood in places so then i go to my spanish teacher dr ingram hello dr ingram listening you can't imagine that being gay but you never know

and um he's like oh well uh i'm gonna have to tell you to get a tetanus jab now. And I'm like, oh, God, what does this entail? So we go to, like, a Spanish medic somewhere that he drives me to, away from whatever fund we're supposed to be having. And he has to supervise it, because obviously I'm a minor. And he has to supervise while this Spanish doctor gets me to bend over a table, pull down my pants and inject me in the bum. And to have your Spanish teacher doctoring him,

watching you getting injected in the bum as you're bent over a table is just more traumatic than I'd ever have thought was going to happen from intervening with some horse bullying. Oh, man. I feel like there's these tiny little insights into your teenage life and it's heartbreaking and wonderful in equal measure like i wonder if you know when you're trying to diffuse a situation and the person who you think is the victim then turns around and goes

oi fuck off mate and you're like oh right it's like that and the horse has done that to you but in obviously in Spanish accent yeah fuck off English guy I've got this covered having the ball kicked against it was some kind of equine massage that they do in Spain

that you didn't know about and you just interrupted its treatment or something yeah so yeah so animals I'm not great with in terms of hating on them

so what do I do what about if the island's overrun by that horse like horses that like that in terms of hating on them. So what do we want? What about if the island's overrun by that horse? Like horses that like that. The island. Because. My only animal friend is the most hateful horse

in all of Southern Europe. Yeah. And he's always there. And every now and again you think, maybe our relationship's thawed a bit and I can try and be friends with you and he just bites you on the tits again. Yeah, because I've been keeping him alive,

feeding him these snap pots of trifle for however many weeks now. I've been keeping him alive, feeding him three bean salad. And yet every time I go over to it, boom, bites me in the tit. Oh, God. I mean, that seems fitting.

I mean, you're welcome to pick a different animal. No, that one, he's going in. It feels like he's staring us in the face there. He's going on, fucking Juan the horse. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, God.

Ryan, you know what? It's been an absolute pleasure talking to you and hearing you create this island of horrendous people and things. I think your choices have been superb. And I've enjoyed doing the workings out as well. So thank you so much. create this island of horrendous people and things i think your choices have been superb and um and i've and i've enjoyed doing the workings out as well so thank you so much i feel like i need to have a little lie down that actually kicked it out of me all that video yeah uh ryan you're a busy man you said you're filming um brassic at the minute and uh a new a new uh plebs has just come

out as well as we asked as a lovely plebs movie that's on uh what's it itbx on the new itv app and uh it's great it's great i'd like everyone to watch it because it made me and tom rosenthal cry at the end because we were so filled with fun memories of working together yes and um and uh filming brassic series five at the moment, which will, I don't know, no doubt, make it to people's TV screens at some point in the future. Who knows? Lovely. Brilliant. Well, we shall watch out for those.

But, Ryan, thank you so much for coming on today. It's been such a pleasure. Cheers, dude. Thanks a lot. Later. so there you go that was desert island dicks with ryan samson thanks to him for joining me and coming on the podcast we'll be back again very soon with a compact dicks so remember to get your submissions in at dixpod.com contact and we'll also return with a new guest next week as well in the meantime i'll just say that desert island dicks is a sync clap production dreamed up and produced by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedictus and with the unwavering support as ever from our historian and james's dad john deacon but not the john deacon

from queen though the john deacon from Queen gives us no support at all. Anyway, thanks for listening, and if you've made it this far, please do subscribe to the podcast and leave us a rating and a review wherever you get your podcasts, because it's really helpful for us, and we will be back next week. Bye!