Desert Island Dicks - SADIA AZMAT

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

No Country For Young Women podcast host and comedian, Sadia Azmat joins me to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, this is James. Just to let you know that there's still tickets available for Desert Island Dicks Live at Comedia in Brighton on the 4th of December with my guest William Stone. I'm really looking forward to seeing some of you there if you can make it. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian, writer and podcaster, Sadia Asma. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm really good. Yes, thanks for coming in. Thank you for having me.

I think it's a really funny podcast. Oh, thank you. I'm glad to be here. Oh, I really appreciate that. Thank you very much. How did you find choosing your people and things for your island? I found it a little bit like, two of them were easy. Yep.

And then the third one I struggled with a little bit just because I don't want to have any regrets yes and i'm sure that i will it's like it's almost a given do you know i mean it's just gonna happen yeah yeah okay uh let's dive in uh who's gonna be your first choice i would like to nominate people who think they can sing but can't okay Okay. And I don't mean just like, you know, humble karaoke kind of people. I'm talking Paris Hilton, JLo, because it's really annoying how we accept mediocrity. Okay. Yeah, we do. I guess you're right.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Paris Hilton and JLo are in there. I think JLo would be really upset to find out that she'd been compared to Paris Hilton. Do you think? Well, they have so much in common. Yeah. You're right in terms of like, I think because she's acted and like, but they both have really rich backgrounds and fathers.

Oh, I didn't know that. Okay, I knew that about Paris Hilton, but not about J-Lo. Yeah, that's how J-Lo got in. Oh, is it? Yeah. Goodilton, but not about JLo. Yeah, that's how JLo got in. Oh, is it? Yeah, so... Good knowledge. People with rich daddies. Oh, okay, I see how it is.

I'm not hating. No. You say through your teeth there. Okay, interesting. So, Paris Hilton, she tried the singing thing, didn't she? Yeah, I mean, like, why? I don't understand because like you're hilton right that's gotta be big though there is big money right so it's like

i don't understand why she needed to be in our face there was a period where she wouldn't go away it's true and i like the show she did with nicole richie you know the simple life the simple life yeah so you know just be what you are If it's a simpleton, embrace it. You know, don't try anything. Just don't force it upon us. If you're a simpleton, just be happy with it. Yeah, embrace yourself. Just you do you.

Okay. Yes, it was an interesting time. She seemed to be everywhere. Yes. And, like, obviously, if i was on a desert island with her like it would be her worst nightmare i think and then like she's had a really good life and so it would be like i would have to listen to all of her problems when she doesn't really have any yes okay yeah to emphasize with somebody who's had like everything to be like her i think her

fall from grace would be far greater than anybody's and therefore her plight would be something that all of the islanders would would struggle with this is good okay this is really well thought out i like this a lot um okay so you're putting yourself on the island what would she be like on the island she would just like i think she would be a drama queen and she would be a diva and it would be difficult because she wouldn't have her entourage she wouldn't have her luxuries everything yeah yeah so she would need to kind of like roll up her sleeves because i wouldn't be doing stuff for her no yeah um she would just be out of her element and so it would be her drama that would

all be living through and like i think it'd be pretty traumatic for all of us but um i think it would be just difficult to to stay on island with a pretty princess okay yeah i'm with you all right okay um so we've kind of moved on to paris hilton so are we going to say paris hilton as like the figurehead for those people right yeah people who who get opportunities that they're not so qualified for yes okay and should uh you know just um take singing lessons take singing lessons have honest feedback from the teachers because if you're not that's fine you don't have not everybody can do everything yeah okay yeah um embrace that i think yeah right okay this is good all right so kind of non-singers uh with paris hilton as

the figurehead is your first choice who's going to be the second choice i have to go for matt damon matt damon interesting i just don't like anything he does. Okay. Just anything. It was so difficult to watch The Departed because of him. And I just, like, I haven't even yet watched. What was that one he did? The first one he did with Ben Affleck? Dogma? No, there was another one.

Him with Robin Williams. Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting, yeah. I still haven't watched that. And I know it's really good but I can't like I can't you can't get over it

I can't I find him so excruciating to I have not watched any of the Bourne movies no do you like him no I've not watched

any of those yeah I just like it's just passed me by if he's like a thing I just like I guess he is to some people

it is completely passed me by i have no idea do you know i i really i always get him uh mixed up with marky mark who's oh mark walberg he he's he's i think because he's had kind of a uh more of a uh wavy kind of i think he's gone through a lot more he's been more more dimensional and he's gone through a lot of changes. So you can see a development. I just don't get Matt Damon. What is it about Matt Damon, then?

I don't like him. Okay. I don't like... When I watch him, it just... It hurts. It hurts. I don't want to... Like, physically hurts.

Yeah, like, it's just difficult to to watch him and then just be interested or be like take him seriously like i just ah it hurts like i just think he maybe he thinks he's better than he is or maybe i don't get i don't get what it is that he's doing okay yeah yeah but if i had to be an island with him i probably would jump in the sea or something because it's so frustrating oh my god can you imagine having to have a discourse and pretend to somebody that you really don't like you just have to kind of like listen to them oh yeah yeah that would be hell i know it would be i know i'm sorry for doing this to you this is painful i know it's okay i'm sure i'm helping souls out there who feel the

same yeah okay good um have you seen team america world police there's it's like um i guess it's like an action film but it's done with puppets it was big like in the mid-naughties maybe but their character they've got a character of matt damon in it and i think you would uh you'd quite like it the way they talked about matt damon yeah yeah yeah you should definitely go away and watch that so Matt Damon is going to be a second choice thank you very much and who's going to be your third choice it's a comedian that I don't like a comedian you don't like yes I don't know if you'd know her but basically you've identified the gender straight away yeah I just don't like her because she's really like, in a similar way to Paris Hilton, it's very like me, me, me.

And like, I just think, you know, those people who suck your energy and they're kind of like really needy emotionally and they just suck your energy. Like I remember we were at a gig and like I have never gigged with her other than this one time because i don't gig with her and she was just like oh somebody died on twitter and then she was just like oh i said hello to them once it's so sad oh what am i gonna do okay yeah and it was just like so i was really happy before the gig and it's just you know these people who just try and bring you down because that's kind of where they are at yes oh i wouldn't

be able to be on an island with her so you've experienced at this one gig this happened did it yeah okay it's just a bit weird isn't it because it's very narcissistic it's very like somebody actually has died and the people who are you know you know their family yeah they're the victims right now yeah not you and so it's kind of like you're just trying to get uh attention or get a get a yeah a strange individual yeah i'm strange i don't want to be with more strange weirdos no you can put yourself right in the middle of that. Okay, so I've seen this on Twitter, obviously, where people are like, oh, yeah, I met them once. And then they're trying to get their kudos out of this.

Yeah, it's like, how does this affect me? And that's the worst thing, isn't it? It's kind of like, take yourself out of the situation for one second. Not everything is about you. No. But obviously you see that on Twitter because the whole internet is just all like that isn't it where people are kind of like looking for

you know looking to identify with these things that are going on but they don't i don't know if they were around before the like social media and internet yeah but it's just unhealthy very self-indulgent self-aggrandizing yeah oh totally yeah it's like uh, very self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing. Yeah. Oh, totally. Yeah. It's like they're trying to get something out of it. But also, it's like, I'm just trying to think what would be the best thing to do?

Just, I guess, not to write anything? Maybe? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, if you've met them once, then don't be putting up like a big old, oh, this really affects me. Yes. It's not about you yes like you say it's almost about you having a you know remembering that person as opposed to it being about you yeah yeah don't make it about you yeah because you before the death of the person you

could be you weren't thinking about them and you should think about like if you are worried about your own journey you should be already checking in with that periodically you shouldn't take a death of somebody you don't know to kind of make you i mean things affect us in strange ways but clearly if that's how it's manifesting it's not the best way for you to kind of be uh checking in with yourself or becoming uh you know maybe a better person if that's if that's what they're trying to do yeah okay yeah yeah i grossed you out no you haven't you haven't at all i'm just thinking about it i'm just there i'm i'm right there with you it's a i see it a lot but i guess i had never broken it down like this before i think too much i think i think we all do i think

it's all right thank you very much sadia you're welcome thank you you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lipsandads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n-ads.com now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why oh no right so worst food would be tofu oh god straight away you didn't have to think about it literally kill me yeah i don't want to be having it's not natural it's it's produced in a science lab is it not

good for you i didn't know this okay really not healthy so i feel really sorry for the people who think that they're eating it because it's healthy because they're doing a good thing for them like mentally and they're spending a lot of money but it's not good for you it's like completely you know it's just not a healthy thing it's not just eat plants man tofu is not real you know like just like what is it oh milk it's just you know what i don't know i thought it was okay but then i was watching these like youtube stuff and and they were basically like pork is better for you than tofu and i'm a muslim so for me to say that is a fucking big deal yeah yeah so like i i didn't i i've never questioned what it is that's bad isn't it and i've eaten it a few times i think it's like a fake i would say

soy out of the top of my head i reckon you're right yeah i think you're right but it's not like everything soy based is bad it's just I know tofu is not good. So I'd be so upset if I had to have tofu. Yeah. And so like on its own as well, it would just be so bland. There's like no flavour, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Tofu. Yeah. Anytime that I've had it, I think it's like really underwhelming. Like you're like, this isn't whatever you're trying to substitute for meat or more vegetables, whatever. You're just having it because you've had something else too much or because you think it's healthy, but like just don't eat.

Just don't eat. Just don't eat instead. Instead of just eat, just don't eat. Just don't eat. Just don't eat tofu. Okay. Your food choice is going to be tofu. Thank don't eat. Just don't eat tofu. Okay. Your food choice is going to be tofu.

Thank you very much. And what's going to be your drink choice? Don't laugh. Go on. Sparkling water. Go on. Sparkling water. Go on.

I don't like sparkling water. I like still water. Spring water is lovely, but sparkling water, it just, I don't know. It doesn't feel like water. I don't like it at all. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This has come up a few times it's interesting that how many like definitely more than like i'd say more than any other drink maybe it's just like it really puts people off i guess because like it's so available now right and like you get it all the time yeah you're offered it a lot

yeah so i can't think of anything else i really hate like i do have a lot of funky green juices do you yeah like you know trying to be healthy it does it's good for your skin so obviously they have health benefits sparkling water it's just i don't know it's just ruining water just yeah yeah it doesn't need it no do you drink other fizzy drinks? Yeah, now and again, not too much though, because I've kind of stopped. So once you, I think I had a long period where I didn't, and so now when I have it, I'm not so enamoured by it anymore. Yeah, okay, yeah, you're kind of put off. Yeah. Sparkling water, I don't mind a sparkling water.

Wow. That's bad, isn't it? No, it's good for you because it's so available. Yeah, yeah, you can just have whatever. Yeah. But I know what you mean. Sometimes I'll buy a sparkling water and what i really want is a still water and you think this is a bit of a battle and it's just like that pain in your chest yeah i mean like

it's a horrible feeling okay sparkling water anything else about sparkling water before we put on the island there's nothing good about it to be honest like you can't do anything to make it better like even like flavored if they had like a flavored sparkling water you still wouldn't do anything for me no okay yeah so yeah even flavored no you must really hate it yeah okay uh drink choice is gonna be sparkling water thank you very much thank you okay um now fortunately you won't be about entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why sorry

yeah okay but you know what the interesting thing is sometimes shit movies are so good yes they're shit but i'm trying to think if i had to watch oh titanic titanic yeah titanic over and over again yeah because i forwarded it the first time anyway because i just wanted to see the scene with like jack and kate yeah in the car but it was that's what i wanted to see and even that i kind of like didn't really like watch it that much because i was like it was it was a slow movie much because I was like, it was a slow movie. It was a very long movie. It was a very tragic ending.

So in a tragic circumstances, I have to re-watch that all the time. That would be like torture. I wouldn't like it. What made you want to find that scene? Did someone point that out to you or you heard about it? I think it's because it was like bigged up as a love story. So I think I was trying to discover love or something yeah like that but it would be pretty bad like there was obviously other movies that are really bad as well and i'm gonna regret not saying them like horror ones

yeah the latest halloween was really bad it was just so violent just okay right it was i don't know if you saw it and i haven't seen it no it was i don't really watch them but my friend really wanted to watch it so we went and the man was just killing everybody like all the time so if i had to watch that again like it was just it was just so jumpy and it was it was just too like i watched the first one to the first halloween like the 70s one to prepare for it oh did you okay yeah and even that wasn't so like gory so it was interesting um i just didn't look at the like violent scenes but it was too violent so anything with gore and obviously titanic it was just so sad that he ended up dead yeah yeah it's a classic i don't not for me no yeah yeah no yeah i don't blame you i, it's really long as well. And that song was great after a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sling Dion over and over again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Titanic is going to be your film choice. Thank you very much. And what about your song? What would be the worst song that you could hear

over and over again? This is a really good question. I think it would have to be like one of those Christmas number ones. Oh, yeah, okay. I'm not being like anti-Christmas or anything, but it's just sometimes like you know when you listen to something too much so it could be like blobby his song or mr

blobby song yeah just like you know something silly like because obviously i'm in a desert island i'm stranded now so they're really happy festive songs that would be really anti-climax yes i'm thinking uh i'm trying to think who else i really don't like adele actually adele yeah i really love amy winehouse so she'd be like amazing but like i don't think i could deal with adele's pain when i'm going through so much myself oh interesting that's an interesting take on it yeah what so just like like that sadness chasing pavements or something oh my god as well she just like repeats the chorus at the end like loads of times yeah and there's probably worse people but but i'll just go with that just because yeah if it was the only song like i would

get bored of it really quickly yeah i don't yeah chasing pavements over and over again i remember hearing that song and watching the music video and uh and just like just i couldn't believe how much she just repeats the bit at the end and i was like oh my god but she went on to like make amazing songs right but in that situation on a desert island that would be tough i think yeah or if not that's something like Enrique Iglesias like Hero because it's like that was also

an annoying song or I'll tell you what the worst one is Anastasia what one's that I'm Out of Love oh yeah that one was

killer man because I just heard it everywhere yes and it just like I just it wouldn't go away oh those type of songs.

Shakira. Yeah. Hips Don't Lie. Yeah. I'm sure I heard that. I didn't like that one. I didn't like that one. Like, the first one is good.

Like, um, wherever. That was okay. Yeah, yeah. But, like, Hips Don't Lie was to your right. It was everywhere. So, any songs just that, you know, were literally forced upon us that you could not avoid yes okay okay that yeah there's been loads in there yeah okay um you could have like a little catalog of them like a little compilation album of just like those worst songs uh basically like a christmas number

ones yeah of your life of your lifetime yeah um okay i feel like we've gone through this pretty quick sardine now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why maybe it has to be somebody like two-faced which animal is two-faced all right two-faced animal i think of a hyena would be annoying because they're like giggly isn't it yes like fucking taking the piss i don't like cats either which is not a popular thing no you know yeah it's come up on here a few times i think cats is yeah uh they're like marmite cats do you know i mean they're like i don't like cats personally because basically if you don't like them they come to you more is that true yeah basically i

remember one day i used to have a job at an office and then somebody brought their cat to work and i didn't like it and then so it kept coming under my under the table because it's like i think it senses it doesn't they're very arrogant and so if you give them attention they kind of like don't need it but if you don't give them attention they want it more oh really yeah this is what i've heard i'm not an expert yeah yeah from the owner of that so they like play hard to get cats they want yeah yeah oh they want you to yeah they like you to play hard they like a challenge so like oh right yeah i mean yeah they'd like they are there is like an arrogance with a cat where they sort of like ignore you

and then they're like looking over like, are you looking at me? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, okay, I'm with you. Okay. Would you say that cats were the most two-faced animal? Yeah, I remember it.

No, maybe not. What made you go down that route? You started talking about i know it's really random isn't it i'm sorry um don't be sorry i just think like you know obviously if they're leading the island then and they're not doing it properly they mean they have like an agenda isn't it in the back or something yeah but to be honest i'm not an animal person. At all.

I hate animals. I will find a fish, you know, like, so we, because fishes are stupid, so they wouldn't be able to fuck you up. But, you know what I mean? Yeah, they wouldn't be able to fuck you up. They'd be all right. That'd be the one I would choose.

I don't like bats because it's like, anything like that just will jump on you or something like that. Yes. You know what I mean? I'm not great with spiders, but I don't, obviously they're smaller. Shark would be the worst. Like, oh my God. Oh my, yeah.

The island is just surrounded by sharks. You can never go near the water. Yeah. Oh, that would be so sad because I like the water. Do you? Yeah, I'm a Pisces, so we're water signs. So that would be the only good thing about being on a desert island, that you could be near the sea.

And if you can't go near there, then what is that? Okay. Do you like going swimming? Yes. Oh, do you go swimming a lot? Yes. Oh, nice. Well, I could do more, but if I had more time and energy, I'd definitely do it more.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Thank you so much for coming in, Saliah. Thank you. This has been great. Saliah, if people want to find you on social media and stuff where can they find you the best place is either twitter instagram or facebook but no one likes facebook so i'm at sadia underscore as matt's underscore and what are you doing at

the minute if people want to come and see you and stuff so i'm doing like a lot of stand-up comedy gigs around london so um you can find details on my social media or ents 24 i'm also a lot of stand-up comedy gigs around London so you can find details on my social media or Ents24. I'm also a host or co-host of BBC Sounds podcast No Country for Young Women. It's a great podcast. Thank you. It's really good. We talk about we have we've been really lucky series three we've had some really cool guests and we talk about what it's like if you're British but don't always feel British and also how what it's like if you're British but don't always feel British and also how um what it's like if you're not getting any dick yeah I've heard about this yeah I mean it's uh I imagine that this podcast from what you describe I'm definitely not the target audience but um but it's very

entertaining anybody like it's nice that you say that and some people do but like actually we anybody as you as a podcast person yourself yeah we we don't discriminate on listeners like anybody who wants to tune in is welcome um we don't want it to sound preachy to people like yourself but we're just talking about our experiences um you know just sometimes it's like i'm sure maybe you have it as well where you have to try and put different versions of yourself so you're different at work compared to with your mates yeah different uh you know totally with your parents so that's what we're talking about navigating the different sides of you yeah and I think like not to sound completely ignorant but I think for me it's a really good insight into your lives oh sweet yeah cool that's nice and what it's like to be you do you know I

mean like I think it's a great podcast we try yeah no well thank you so much for coming you're welcome thanks for having me thank you cheers bye