Desert Island Dicks - SAM DELANEY

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Top Flight Time Machine's Sam Delaney joins me to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island... be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, this is James just dropping by to tell you all that we've booked in a couple of desert island dicks live shows uh there's one on the 10th of december in king's cross at two north down with the brilliant tom allen and i believe tickets are selling really fast but there's a few tickets left on the website if you get on there quickly other than that i'm going to be at the podcast social club in Thirsk in North Yorkshire on the 23rd of November. Guest TBC. It's going to be good. Get on there and get your tickets now. Enjoy the podcast. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash

with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is journalist, writer, but you'll probably recognise his voice as podcaster on Top Flight Time Machine, Sam Delaney. Hello. Did I get all the things in there? Well, yeah, I mean, a sufficient amount to paint a picture, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Did you find it difficult to decide who you're going to talk about today? A little bit, because obviously, as I'm sure you get a lot you know I'm slightly concerned about you know upsetting people I tend to like regard people as dicks like sometimes quite quietly inside I'll silently judge although a lot of people know me

and say I'm quite a loud person and I speak my mind a lot there are a lot of people who I consider to be dicks that I won't talk about being dicks. I'll smile to their face is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, okay.

They don't know. I think we all do that. Yeah. Don't we? And also, if it's anyone famous, I haven't named anyone famous and the reason for that

is partly because I think hating on famous people is wrong because you don't fucking know them. No, yeah, yeah. You're hating on some superficial rendition of them.

But the other thing is is that you might encounter them. I've encountered lots of people who I badmouth when I was younger and less diplomatic. And then when you come across them, it can be problematic. Okay. I just think safer, you'll see from my choices, most of them mean that I will be legally safe as far as I can be. I think you've made me worried for my future. Because I'm on every episode of this. Yeah.

Just condoning all of these people. Well, yeah, but you're the host, so you could always use that as your... You go, well, yeah, you know, I'm oiling the wheels of conversation. I don't... It's these other, my guests, who are the bastards. And then in court, that's what I'll play them. Yeah, exactly. So who's going to be your first choice?

Okay, so my first choice is a man that I will call... Shall I give him his real name? No, I'm not going to. All right, okay. For the reasons you say. Yeah. Do you mind if I just change the name a little bit? No, no, we just want to hear the story.

There was a teacher at my school, and I'm going to call him Mr. Kendall, which is very close to his actual name. And he was a PE teacher, which is a cliche, I'm sure. You must have had people named PE teachers before, right? No one likes PE teachers. They're often aggressive. Not all of them, but there's always one who's aggressive and overbearing and is very bad for you and your self-esteem.

And there's a couple of stories that i can illustrate uh yeah you know about mr kendall yeah he had a long lasting effect on my psyche wow and cast a shadow over my time at school right in the fifth year at my school i went to a normal comprehensive school in southwest london and it was fine. It was in like the mid to late 80s. And in the final year, about 1990, in the fifth year, you were allowed as a privilege

because you were in the fifth year to choose whatever PE you did. Right. You could choose from like a number of sports. So me and all my mates obviously chose football, right? And you could also wear whatever you wanted for PE

within reason. Really? You didn't have to wear school PE kit. If you were a fifth year, and what made it even better was PE was on a Friday afternoon. It was the last lesson of the week. It was dreamland, mate. Nice.

So you got to Friday afternoon. You could put on your own stuff. So you could wear club colours if you wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was great. But this was 1990, and it was the era of what people called manchester yeah so despite the fact that we lived in like a sort of fairly suburban part of southwest london me and a few of my mates quite a lot of people teenagers at that time went around wearing

dressing a bit like the hat yeah yeah right so Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bucket hat, Diodora. Bucket hat all the time. Very baggy was the word, right? And I turned up for PE because I sort of thought of it on a Friday as not just an opportunity to play football, but also as an opportunity to showcase my personal style. Nice, nice, yeah. So I wasn't thinking in practical terms. And I turned up and I remember really well what I was wearing. I had the kind of quite long bowlhead haircut, right?

Nice. And I wore a pair of basically like skateboarding shorts. I wasn't a skateboarder. Never was, never have been, never will be. But they were skateboarding style shorts. They were to the knee. Yeah. And I remember even the brand.

They were a brand called Crush. And they had a little logo on them. And I thought even the brand, they were a brand called Crush, and they had a little logo on them, and I thought it was really cool. And then I had a white granddad top, which was very sort of Manchester style. You know, it was like round net with three buttons. Nice. And it was very baggy.

It was like a couple of sizes too big. Yeah, yeah. And then for shoes, this was the real killer, right? The shoes weren't fucking anything remotely intended with football, designed with football in mind. They were a pair of Converse, but trainers, not Converse like we know today. Oh, yeah.

Converse used to make trainers that were like, they were big trainers like Nike Airs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if they still do that, but they did then. And they were quite flashy, and I was really proud of them. I've got them for my birthday, as a matter of fact, and I thought, fucking wearing those. Because,

and here's the key factor, is that we had a big all-weather pitch at school. And it was two pitches side by side. And on one, we would be playing football. But I knew that on the other next to it, the girls would be playing netball. Nice.

And all of my girl mates and stuff. And of course, when you're 15, you fancy all of your girl mates. Absolutely. They're your mates. Oh, you're my mate. But you really want to 15 you fancy all of your girl mates absolutely they're your mates hell you're my mate but you really want to get off with all of them

right and so they're all my mates but I wanted them to see me in my best clothes nice

these clothes on reflection were absurd right but at the time I thought fucking hell I am the cock of the walk here I am the king of the school I have finally made it I was like the Wolf of Wall Street of my school right that's what I thought fucking hell I am the cock of the walk here I am the king of the

school I finally made it I was like the wolf of wall street of my school right that's what I thought in my head so then in the warm-up we're waiting for the PE teacher to come out and we're all out there just warming up and I found myself my mate Lawrence was in goal and I was taking little shots at him like you do just to you know up. And I found myself next to Alan Hendricks. Alan Hendricks was the best footballer in school and also the hardest kid in school. Those two things very often go hand in hand in most schools, right? Very often overlaps, those two roles.

He was pretty scary. I'd obviously been at school with him five years, but I wasn't good mates with him. But we were on nodding terms at best. But I found myself warming up with him and we're on nodding terms nice okay but I found myself warming up with him and we're taking shots and we're teeing each other up so he's flicking them up to me and I'm having a volley and I'm flicking them back to him and it's kind of mating he's clapped a couple of my efforts and I'm thinking thinking this day just gets better and better

it was a spring afternoon the sun was shining all the girls were playing up on the court next to me I was giving them a little wave and I'm basically mates with Alan Hendricks right yeah who was a terrifying man Alan Hendricks the sort of bloke that when you're at school

when you're like literally in the first year or what kids today would call year seven yeah yeah you're in the changing room and he is basically a man yeah

right you're like really weedy you're very childlike full chest hair he comes out and he's got like biceps the size of softballs and a six pack

and his voice is like that right and you're like anyway so I finally after five years become mates

and we're getting on like a fucking house on fire and I get a bit cocky because I'm just thinking everything's falling into place in my life and my mate Lawrence

throws the ball out to me and it bounces and I try because Alan's applauded a couple of my shots I thought thought, fuck this. I've got the most touch, literally

everything I hit turns to gold. So I fucking smacked this ball on the half volley, thinking this is going to go top corner. Which would have been out of order anyway, because I was just supposed to be warming up with Lawrence not humiliating him. It went over the goal and then it went over the fence, right, that

enclosed the five-a-side pitch and out of the school, and then it went over the fence, right, that enclosed the five-a-side pitch, and out of the school, into the street, across the road, and bounced over into the allotment. So it fucking went miles, right? And Alan Hendricks has gone... I mean, any illusion I had of us being mates immediately crumbled, because he went, you fucking idiot, you fucking idiot,

you kicked the ball over. I said, yeah, I know. And I looked around for another ball, and I couldn't see one, and he went, you fucking idiot. You fucking idiot. You kicked the ball over. I said, yeah, I know. And I looked around for another ball and I couldn't see one. And he went, go and get it. So I went, you're right. Okay. And I go to turn and walk off. And then Mr. Kendall comes out, right?

And him and Alan Hendricks are obviously tight. You know, like in a prison, the governor of the prison is always sort of, has a sort of a weird friendship with the top boy in the prison. That's what Mr. Kendall and Alan Hendricks were like. They had an understanding. They respected each other as equals. And I walk away, and they both say in unison, where the fuck are you going? I said, I'm going to get the ball.

Because my intention was to leave the pitch, walk out of the school, walk around in the street, get the ball. They went, we haven't got time for that. Fucking climb over. Oh, no. And I was like, seriously. And it was a high fence. I'd say it was 12 feet, something like that. Not that high, yeah.

And I go, climb over. And he goes, yeah. And by this stage, all the other lads, including lots of them were like, mate. So they're all looking at me like, yeah, fucking climb over, Sam. We want to get the game started. You kick the ball. I don't know why no one could conjure another ball.

But I've gone, all right, fine. I'm going to play it cool. I don't want to say in front of all of them, oh, I don't want to climb over this fence. It's really high. So I go, fine, all right, I'll climb over. So I climb up the fence. Quite quick, I was quite pleased

because I was under a lot of pressure. Everyone's asking, I fucking hurry up like that. A lot of pressure. I get to the top. I swing one leg over. And because he's really baggy tracksuit-y

kind of skateboarder shorts right they get hooked onto a bit of wire it was a wire fence they get hooked quite badly onto the wire

so I can't move my leg I have to I have to basically pull the shorts off this wire and they've come hooked off but to do that

I need both hands I can't do it one handed and if I take two hands off I'll wobble them full from a great height but no one can see what the problem is because the hook

has happened it's a little hook they're down on the bottom they can't see it and they're going what are you doing and I'm just sitting straddling the top of this fence

really high up what the fuck are you doing I said I'm stuck what do you mean you're stuck and Mr Kendall's going, really humiliating me in front of everyone. By this stage, all the lads, there's like 15 lads

standing around, all looking up, going, fuck's sake, and Mr. Kendall, rather than help me out, I said, sir, I'm stuck. My shorts have got caught. Can you come up and help me? He went, your shorts got caught. Well, that serves you bloody right, doesn't it? For wearing those stupid shorts to PE, they're completely inappropriate

you look like a wally he went and the trainers are inappropriate as well which is why you probably belted it out in the first place

this is all your fault you can stay up there we're getting the game started he goes to another kid go and get another ball from the cupboard

which he could have done in the first place someone runs off gets the ball I'm not joking I'm sat on the top of a fence right for the whole hour as they're playing the I'm sat on the top of a fence, right, for the whole hour

as they're playing the game, watching from behind the goal, thinking, how will I ever get down? But what makes it worse is, all the girls are playing netball, and they eventually spot me, because I'm like a prized turkey, right, up on the top of the fence in this outfit, and they're stopping and going, Sam, Sam,

what are you doing? What are you doing up there? And I'm going, oh, alright, just watching the game. And they go, why are you watching it right now? I said, good for you up here. Why aren't you playing? Injured. I'm trying to say that I was injured, so I decided to change into my kit

and then climb up a massive fence to watch my mates play football. At the end of the game, they all go, and I'm going to Mr. Kendall, can you help me down now? And he just laughed, shook his head and went in. And then they all went in. I was pissed off with everyone, to be honest. I mean, could take them all to the dickhead island

because even my mates were like, no, I don't. It was almost like I'd become toxic. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? They didn't want to come near me. They didn't want to know. And then I got one mate, and he was a good mate, and he still is a mate, and he came back.

He came back for me. It's like a war story. Nice, yeah. He'd gone in the changing room, and then when he came out, shouting changed, I was then, like literally the sun was setting, and I was thinking, well, what happens? I kept once in a while letting go to try and unhook myself, but then immediately grabbing on again, oh, fucking hell, I'm going down.

Right? And I just didn't know what I was going to do and in the end he came back like a hero Joe Challens he comes back climbs up the fence and unhooks me and he went and I went I'm sorry mate and he just stroked like fucking hell mate I mean I hope you

understand that I had to come back and do this when everyone else had gone I didn't want to be seen near you so oh my god and then I don't know if we've got time

for another because I mean Mr. Kendall there was various things like that I don't think he ever particularly liked me

I wasn't unsporty but I wasn't particularly sporty and a lot he was the sort of PE teacher who only liked you if you were one

of the 11 best players at school the other most embarrassing incident that happened to me at school he was also compliciting

which was I used to also really like doing drama and I really looked forward to it and one week I turned out and obviously the drama teacher

was really nice and a laugh and I quite fancied her but one week I turned out and she was ill so they'd put Mr. Kendall in charge of it.

He was like the least appropriate bloke to be in charge of drama. Drama? What's this? like the least appropriate bloke to be in charge of drama. Drama? What's this? Mucking about? Yeah. Pretending to be people you're not.

It's bloody nonsense, right? And I'm like, oh, fuck. So I turned up and I was absolutely gutted. But what made it worse was I had a really bad stomach and I'd felt it brewing all day. And I know what the reason was. I can still remember the meal now. The night before, my mum had made me curried mince.

I mean, it's disgusting. I think we didn't have much in and she just got some mince and thought I'll just put curry spices in it. It was disgusting and it had a bad effect on me. I don't know whether the mince was bad or something. But I remember sitting in this lesson and we were sitting and he was just making us read from a play

rather than actually do any drama. And I was like fucking hell. And I suddenly thought, oh, no. Oh, no, I'm in trouble here. You know when your stomach goes and it makes a really weird noise and you're like, shit, I think I could be in trouble here. You've got to go, yeah. And, of course, I don't know what it was like at your school,

but I know that a lot of people, especially back in those days, schools were pretty derelict and everyone pretty much had a rule that you never did a shit at school. No, yeah. No, no, no. For various reasons. Yeah, nasty in there, yeah. You would probably rather you never did a shit at school. No, yeah. No, no, no. For various reasons. Yeah, nasty in there, yeah. You would probably rather shit your pants than shit at school.

Yeah. So I've stuck my hand up and said, so I've got to go to the toilet. And he just didn't like me, so he's just being an idiot going, well, you can wait. It's only 20 minutes to the end of the lesson. I said, no, I've got to go now. And he goes, excuse me? You don't get, that sounded like an instruction.

No, so you sit where you are. So I'm sitting there thinking, I'm going to shit myself in a drama lesson. And again, there's always the issue of all the girls in there, in your drama lesson. That was another thing. Half the reason being into drama was because it was an opportunity to flirt with girls, right? Yeah, yeah.

And these girls who I enjoyed flirting with, I thought they're going to see me shit my pants any second. So I just stood up and I walked out. We were in a hall and I just walked out. And he went, where do you think you are going? And I went, sorry, and kept walking. I went, get back in now. I went, sorry, and I kept walking.

I thought he might chase me and pull me back and then things will get really messy. But he didn't. I quickened my pace and got out. I walked all the way down. I walked out of the school, which broke various rules and regulations. I walked down the road because what I thought was at the bottom of the road on the high down, I walked out of the school, which broke various rules and regulations. I walked down the road, because what I thought was at the bottom of the road on the high

street, there was a Pizza Express in the open. No! And it was really like, it was a smart place. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to shoot you in there in a Pizza Express. So I'm walking down the street, and my mate William Gallagher has followed me. Bless him, right? He's come out, and he's chased me because he's thought he's in trouble.

What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, what's going on? What's going on? Mr. Kendall's going mad. I said, look, I'm going to live with you. I think I'm going to shit myself. And that's why I'm walking like this.

I'm heading for Pizza Express. You can help me out. When we go in, sit at a table and order a Coke. Nice. Right? And then say, your mate will be back in a minute that's great i said that's my cover he goes all right i'll do it so we get into the pizza express he sits down as instructed i just accelerate into the toilet and then i mean i couldn't believe i'd made it you have the excitement

and the anticipation and the stress and the anxiety and it all comes together at once and it's that fatal thing where when you make it through the door of the toilet, you relax, and that's the fatal thing. Don't relax until you are in position. I relaxed, and as my trousers were coming halfway down, walking towards the cubicle, it exploded everywhere. No! Over the floor, over my trousers, everywhere.

The seat, it was like a fucking massacre, right? It was a massacre. And I had to spend ages in there trying to cover it all up. There was not enough toilet roll in all three cubicles to sort out what I had done. And in the end, I thought, someone's going to come in here and find me. But there was shit all over my trousers and everything.

So I just did one. I walked out. I tied my jacket around find me but there was shit all on my trousers and everything so I just did one I walked out I tied my jacket around my waist because there was I hadn't shat my pants but there was shit all down my trousers

and I went to William Gallagher pay for the coke we're going right so he goes alright and he just like chucked some money

on the table comes out after me and he can see what's happened he's going I'm going back to school more or less like mate I'm out

I've come far I've done everything I can for you's happening. He's going, I'm going back to school. More or less like, mate, I'm out. I've come far. I've done everything I can for you. By this stage, it's the lunch hour of school. And in lunch hour, all the kids were allowed down to the high street. I come out. It's lunchtime. I look to my right and I hear someone. I hear a girl's voice say, Sam.

And coming towards me are two girls. One is my ex-girlfriend. The other one is my future girlfriend and a guy I had a crush on. And they're waving to me in the distance and they're sufficiently far away to not be able to smell the shit or see the shit. And they're saying, wait for us. Right. Meanwhile, I look behind me and I see the staff of Pizza Express hurriedly go into the bathroom because they know something's up. No, yeah.

They see two school kids come in. One goes to the toilet for 10 minutes and then just fuck off. So I'm thinking, they're going to come for me any second and meanwhile,

these girls are coming towards me. A 33 bus pulled up in front of me. I just fucking jumped on it, got a ticket and went home. Did you?

And the girls were like, what? And as the bus pulled away, I also saw the Pizza Express staff come out of the toilet looking disgusted and outraged. And it felt great.

It felt like a prison break. Yeah, it's amazing. I was just disappearing down the street. And I went home, even though it was halfway through school day, and I called my mum at work. I went, mum, I've come home and I didn't ask to, so you're going to have to tell the school and make something up, call them up and make something up.

She went, all right, I will. Just out of interest, why did you go home? And I went, because I shat myself. And she just went, fair enough, see you later. And that was bloody Mr. Kendall. That's mental. Because if he hadn't been such a dickhead, if he hadn't been such a bastard,

I would have made it there in better time. You would have, yeah. So there's two big, significant humiliations in my life, and I feel that he was complicit in both of them. Oh, my God, yeah. And he would not be a nice person to be on a desert island. Yeah, he definitely would have. He was a formative dick in my life.

I'm so glad you got to tell that second story. Jesus, that's like something out of a film. That's so good. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Mr. Kendall's going to be your first choice. Who's going to be your second choice? There was a guy called Archie Buchanan who was my mum's boyfriend when I was about,

between the ages of, I think, about 9 and 11. Okay. And he was a Scotsman. He was a milkman. Right. And amongst other various roles. And he was a massive liar and an alcoholic. Okay.

And he came to live with us quite out of the blue. I came down one morning, and there was a geezer sat at the kitchen table eating his cornflakes, and I said, who's this? And she said, this is Archie. He's going to be staying with us for a few days. And I know there's all these cliched jokes

about your mum getting off with a milkman, but our milkman actually moved in with us, effectively. And he sort of looked like, a bit like, I always say he looks a bit like Ronald McDonald crossed with Terry McDermott, who older listeners might know as a Liverpool fan of the 70s and 80s, Liverpool player of the 70s and 80s. He had a sort of a curly perm and a moustache and he was from Edinburgh and he was full of all sorts of different lies, including the lie that he'd played professional football for Hibernian.

Years later, when I was presenting the show on Talk Sport, he came up, I brought him up, and I told various stories about him and his various lies that he told us. And the guy, Paul Hortsbury, who I was presenting with, said, oh, if there's any listeners out there who remember a player called Archie Buchanan of the 70s or 80s playing for Ibernia, give us a call. So everyone went into action like the hive mind,

and it turned out there was an Archie Buchanan who played for Ibernia. And I thought, shit, all these years, me and my brothers thought he was alive. Maybe he wasn't. Turns out he played for them in the early 1930s, which then made me think that this guy wasn't called Archie Buchanan at all and he was an identity thief.

Oh, my God. He goes to a graveyard and chooses an identity. Oh, my God. Which he wouldn't necessarily put past him. But, yeah, Archie Buchanan was not a pleasant person to live with. He wasn't an abusive man. No. I mean, he was mean to my brothers who were older than me.

And, like, for instance, one night he was on his way home from the chippy and he walked into the pub. He was supposed to be bringing a kebab home for my mum. And he walked into the pub on his way home with the kebabs and bumped into my oldest brother and his best mates and came over and insisted on buying them all some whiskeys and chatting to them. But he was a drunken, aggressive Scotsman,

and so he soon started being quite aggressive with them and with my brother. And when they pushed back a little bit, he grabbed the leg of my brother's best mate, Lee, and he was wearing shorts, and he pulled the leg up to his mouth and took a bite out of it. What? Yeah. No way. And then he said to

my brother, right, you're coming home with me and, you know, or things are going to get worse. So my brother went home with him and like, and when they got in he threw the bag of by now cold kebabs to my mum and said

I got you a favourite and I brought your son home with you too don't say I didn't do anything for you I'm just the way to the toilet and he went up to the toilet and never came down again just was like

you know fell asleep which was quite standard for him I'm making this sound really depressing yeah it sounds like I have to tell you that you have to paint the picture it's funny

it's funny to us now and even at the time... But I have to tell you that. You have to paint the picture, yeah. It's funny. It's funny to us now. And even at the time, my brothers, I talked to them about it and they were all quite... I've got three older brothers and there's quite a big gap between me and them.

And so they were teenagers and they... Now when they talk about it, they go, it was awful. We hated him. He was a dickhead. But to my mind, he just seemed quite a laugh.

I didn't really understand that he was an alcoholic. I just thought he often took me to the pub and bought me crisps and appetiser. So yeah, as a nine-year-old,

you're like, pfft. In the end, the reason he left was because my, while he was a milkman, one of my brothers was a postman.

Right. And he would work quite weird shifts at the central, West End Central sorting office. And he came home from his shift around the same time as Arch And he came home from his shift

around the same time as Archie would come home from his milkman shift. And they'd both see each other mid-morning. And my brother came home all the way from the West End on his motorbike, thinking all the way, I've got some lovely Raspberry Ripple ice cream in the freezer that I can have as a treat when I get here. Nice.

So he came in and Archie was already there, sat in front of the telly. But his ice cream was missing from the freezer. So he went in and he said to Archie, have you nicked my fucking ice cream? And Archie went, I've no idea what you're talking about, son. You shouldn't make accusations like that unless you've got evidence. And he went, you got, I can see it all in your fucking moustache, you bastard. And then they had a confrontation.

Archie punched my brother. My brother grabbed a carving knife, chased him around the house for a bit. And in the end, he just disappeared and we never saw him again. That was it? Yeah. Wow. So that was the end of that desert island, Dick. Yeah.

Oh, my God. What about his stuff? Did he have stuff in the house? I think we never saw him again. He might have had diplomatic talks with my mother and come and had his stuff or she would have thrown out on the street or whatever. But it's funny because, you know, who knows? I said to my mum once, my mum's now happily married to a man who isn't an alcoholic or a liar.

And I said to her, she has a much nicer life now. And I said, it's weird. I mean, he lived with us a couple of years. You must have been quite fond of him. Did you ever think you loved him? She went, yeah, I suppose I did for a while. And I said, it's funny how these things end i mean that like it could have been love but it was ended over a dispute over some raspberry ripple ice cream that was it just ended

that day that was it a fight between a postman and a milkman wow yeah my god so there you go he's my second dick archie buchanan as if i reckon you might be right he might have walked through a graveyard at home yeah saw his name and been like, oh, he played for Hibs. Yeah, and it's just like, I'm just going to nick his identity. Yeah, because he was a dodgy bloke. He was always up to things that were nefarious. And I can imagine he might have been on the run. No one knew the circumstances under which he'd decided to arrive in London from Edinburgh.

Maybe it was a tax situation, I don't know. But on top of that, he was a Hibs fan, and he thought, well, I'll double up, I need a new identity anyway. I might as well choose someone. What would be my dream life? Probably playing for Hibs. So what I'll do is I'll find out the name of a dead Hibs player, and I'll go and live under that identity in London

and adopt a new family, which is what he did. And it succeeded for a couple of years until the Raspberry Ripple incident. Oh, my God. Yeah. Archie Buchanan. Real name or maybe not. Thank you very much, Sam. And who's going to be your third choice?

Third choice, again, tapping into things that happened around the same time in my youth. There was one night we had a knock at the door. My mum answered it, and it was really sad actually it was her mate and who she knew from work who'd had a big falling out of her husband and i don't know whether things had got violent or what but she had turned out unannounced in the middle of the night because it was you know pre-mobile phones so you couldn't always get in touch pre-bled and she had her little son and they were both very upset right and my mum knew

her a little bit but my mum was the sort of person, we often had waifs and straight-staying nails because my mum's a very sort of compassionate, caring person, so ours would be the sort of house if someone had a problem they'd often come to. So she knocks on the door, it's very late, and says, I didn't know where else to go, I don't have any other friends in the area, can you put me up, we've had to get out of the house, it's it, we we're finished and I brought

and with her she had a young son I was about 11 and this kid was probably about 8 and his name was Leighton and he seemed upset and my mum said

Leighton's going to be sleeping in your room tonight on like as his sleeping bag or whatever I went alright fine and she took me outside

she went be kind to him because obviously he's very upset. His parents have had a massive row. His mum's dragged him out of home in the middle of the night and they've effectively run away. And I understood that as an 11-year-old. I had a heart then,

some semblance of a heart. Obviously, you know, you don't have a massive heart when you're an 11-year-old boy, but I had some. I went, yeah, okay, fair enough. I was from a broken home myself, so I had some compassion and sympathy. And so for the first couple of days I sort of tolerated him

yeah but I'd always been the youngest brother in the house and I didn't know what it was like to have a younger brother and a bit like Leighton was a dick he was a little he was a little dickhead he was an arsehole he was antagonisticistic. He was obnoxious. He was bratty. And it was one of those situations where he'd suddenly moved in, out of the blue, onto my territory. They were supposed to stay in for a couple of nights. It turned into a couple of months.

And I pretty much had a full-time younger brother. And what made it worse was any time that he would do... It was the classic sort of antagonise, he'd be pinching you or something or nicking your ice cream and then when you retaliated, my mum

his mum and anyone else in attendance including my older brothers would go why don't you leave late and alone you bully and I'd be like just because his mum and dad are split up it doesn't mean that he's not a dick. He's still a dick.

One time, me and him were having a little barney in an argument, and my brothers, in fact, they did this a few times, would relish giving him a free slap. You know when you give someone a free slap? Yeah. So they'd go, you're out of order. You're bullying him. I'm not bullying him.

He's bullying me. And they'd go, no, you're out of order. Leighton, come and have a free slap on Sam. And I'd be like, what? The injustice of it. He started it. No, come on, Leighton. Come and have a free slap on Sam because he's bigger than you,

so it's not fair. So my brothers would hold my hands behind my back, and Leighton would give me a free slap around the face. The humiliation of it. I bet he loved it as well. Oh, he loved it. He loved it. It was a nightmare, as well. Oh, he loved it. He loved it.

It was a nightmare these few months that they lived with us. And anyway, the worst thing he did was when they finally left, I can't remember, they'd got their own flat sorted or whatever

and I thought, thank fuck for this. And when they left, I saw him take several Star Wars figures out of my toy cupboard and shoved them in his pocket. And there was a lot.

I mean, there was Skywalker, Boba Fett. Oh, the good ones. Really like some good ones. Not those ones that are just like weird minor characters from the cantina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leading characters, right? Yeah.

And some stormtroopers and all the rest of it. And he's going to the door. My mum's going, come and say goodbye to Leighton. and he's going to the door and my mum's going come and say goodbye to Leighton and I've walked in the corridor and I've just said Leighton has nicked my Star Wars figures and she's like

oh not this again because the narrative in the house has become Sam's constantly making shit up about Leighton he's got a problem with him and I go they're in his pocket

look what do you think now he's bulging out of his pocket get him to turn his pockets out he's walking out the house with about a dozen Star Wars figures with them. I go, they're in his pocket. Look, what do you think that is bulging out of his pocket? Get him to turn his pockets out. He's walking out the house with about a dozen Star Wars figures. Oh, my God. In the end, they go, all right.

Or I've wrestled them out of his pocket. Again, I'm thinking, at last, bang to rights. At last, people will see the truth. You know what my mum said? She went, Sam, you have got loads of Star Wars figures. You've been collecting them for years. You must have dozens through there in that cupboard. Surely you can spare some.

That's not how it fucking works. You're trying to collect them all. Let's go, I'll hit some spares, take them. And he fucking walked out there with them. And I never saw him again, and I'm pleased at that. And listen, I just want to say now, if Leighton went on to have a happy life then I'm delighted for him

we all make mistakes when we're young he was 8 years old he was under a lot of pressure he was a dick he was a dick then but I hope and I believe that he probably changed and is no longer a thief and would no longer even accept the offer of a free slap,

even if he got one. And so I hope he went on to lead a happy life. But at that moment in time, he was a nemesis in my life and one of the biggest dickheads I've ever had to spend time with. Sam, honestly, these stories are so... I mean, I'm glad you can see them in the funny light. Yeah. They're amazing.

I want to see the series of your childhood. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, sometimes when I say it out loud, especially when I'm talking about Archie being an alcoholic and biting my brother's best mate's leg and stuff, it sounds a little bit Ken Loach. It does, doesn't it? But it didn't feel like Ken Loach.

It felt a bit more like, you know, a carry-on film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that, yeah. All right, so Leighton's going to be your third choice. Very good. Thank you very much, Sam. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there's some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Food would be soup because soup is... Just any soup? Any soup. Soup's stupid, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like a hot bowl of liquid that you have to eat with a fucking spoon. Usually a metal spoon. Yeah. If you put a. It's like a hot bowl of liquid that you have to eat with a fucking spoon. Usually a metal spoon. Yeah. If you put a fucking metal spoon into a hot bowl of liquid, that's like a scientific experiment designed to heat up the metal and scold your flesh with. So that's stupid.

If you order soup in a restaurant, while everyone else is just getting stuck into their nice, easy-to-eat food, you're sat there for fucking ages. Do you know what I mean? Like, I haven't done it for years. When I was younger, sometimes you'd order soup and then, like,

everyone else would be having a good time and you'd be, like, just blowing, waiting for the soup to, like, drop below 100 degrees, which would take 20 minutes. By which time, everyone else has finished eating.

It comes down chin and if it's not in a restaurant, it just feels like gruel as well. It feels like Victorian. Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? It's depressing to be eating soup because you kind of think, is this what my life's become? I'm eating hot liquid as a meal.

I think I have it once a year and it's around sort of autumn time. The temperature drops. I think, do you know what? Soup, yeah. Last year, I couldn't have been wrong, right? Last year might have been a mistake, sorry. And I was like, I'll have a nice warm in soup and then I remember

how fucking shit it is yeah it's bullshit it's rubbish isn't it yeah they'll treat you Heinz will treat you with adverts where you'll see them as soon as it gets cold oh it's like a hug

yeah fuck that it's true it's rubbish and you have to put loads of bread in it to make it worthwhile that's the other thing you're so right about that

is when you have any good memories of soup, if you have good memories of soup from when you were a kid, like your mum making you some soup, some high-end soup when you were a kid, it's never the soup

that's the good bit. No. It's that you've got a load of bread and butter. Like half a loaf of bread. You've got a load of bread and butter mopped in gravy.

You might as well just have a dish of gravy and some bread and butter and stop living a lie. Yeah. You know what I mean? Okay. Soup's going to be your food choice and drink choice.

Drink choice is any alcohol. I gave up drinking alcohol four years ago. I was going to say beer. And now I'm like, well, really all alcohol. Because I look back on the days when I did drink alcohol and just bad things generally came from it. And not in a big sort of dramatic way. It's more like

even on a small scale when I think of having alcohol I've never really been tempted to have more alcohol because whenever I think of it you can think of the big dark things like it'll make me depressed or you know it'll make me make really bad decisions or it'll make me you know affect my ability

to be a father or any of the other big things that did have an impact on my decision to stop drinking it's just the small things i was saying i just remember feeling low level slightly nauseous a lot of the time yeah yeah like both in the evening when i was drinking and then obviously the morning after and it was almost like constant lowlevel nausea that you get used to. You get full-blown hangovers, of course, and everyone's familiar with that. But actually, it's not until you stop drinking you have a long period of not drinking.

For me, it's been four years now where you just realise how different it is to just wake up clear-headed and energised every day. All the time, yeah. And the idea of having a drink now makes me feel a bit sick. Yeah. And also, it would make me

make bad decisions i always make bad decisions from alcohol me too yeah and i just you know i'll be on this desert island with archie and leighton and mr kendall and if we were on the piss as well it would just make a bad situation much much worse yeah so i just say any booze because on a plane there's gonna be loads of those miniatures and i can imagine although i've never been tempted to go back to booze if you were really lonely and depressed anyway which i probably would be because i'm not good being in isolation and there was loads of like mini bottles of like gordon's gin or bacardi rum or something you might be tempted fuck i'll just take the edge yeah just do it so i'd rather it wasn't there okay all right yeah okay so alcohol is gonna to be your drink choice.

Thank you very much. Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? My least favourite song, the song that would really drive me mad would be I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, because it's weird that I have such a bad reaction whenever I hear this song, but it just makes me feel really gloomy and miserable. And the thing is, right, actually on the face of it, it's disco music, which is inherently happy and upbeat, and I am a massive fan of the genre, right?

There are very few cheesy disco songs I don't love, but this is one that I really dislike. And also the lyrics, I suppose, are very empowering because it's about a woman whose man has walked out on them and at first they thought it was a disaster and it'd never get better and then they fought back and they've kind of rebuilt their life and now the man has crawled back to them and they're like,

no, fuck you. Yeah. Moved on. Yeah. It's a great message. Yeah. I've got a suspicion because I shared this

with my brothers once and my parents split up when I was very young. I think I was like two, two, three and it would have been the late 70s and I've got a feeling

that that song would have been on the radio a lot. Right. And it would have spoken to my mother a lot because my dad had walked out on her for another woman. And she was stuck, you know, on a council estate with four boys to raise on her own.

And it would have been a tough time. And I think that the lyrics of Gloria Gaynor, I think that subliminally from my high chair, I may have absorbed that song because it would have been on rotation on the radio in that exact era. And I will survive whenever I hear it.

Although I can look at, sort of step back and think, that's got all the elements of a song that I would usually like. It fills me with immense gloom immediately. Does it? Yeah, immense gloom. If you put it on now, I'd probably stop talking, which you might appreciate. I'd just be like, really sad. If it comes on radio, you're changing the channel. Oh? Which you might appreciate. I'd just be like really sad.

If it comes on radio, are you changing the channel? Oh. Straight away? Yeah, I mean like properly, like I get depressed for reasons I can't quite. I mean, I'm analysing that. You can't put your finger on it. I can't quite put my finger on it, but when that song. But maybe.

First I was afraid, I was petrified. I'd be like, fuck, I'm going to cry. Wow. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Okay. That'd be awful on a desert island.

It would, yeah. And what's going to be your film choice? And the film choice is a film called Rosemary's Baby. Oh, it's horrible. Yeah, Roman Polanski horror film from, I think, the late 60s. I've only seen it once, and it was a film that I watched. I found it so scary and creepy and weird that it probably had the biggest impact on me

of any film I've ever seen. And I turned to my girlfriend, my now wife, when we watched it together, and I said to her, that's one of the best films I've ever seen. I will never, ever watch it ever again. Because I found it so fucking... It's so harrowing. If you haven't seen it, there is no other film.

You can't compare it, in my mind, to any other scary film there's ever been. No. Because there's not even big moments in it. That's almost what makes it extra. You don't see anything terrifying. It's all referred to, implied. Yes.

And basically it's about me and Farrow getting up the duff by the devil and then having a devil child. But you never see the devil and you never see the devil child. But there's something so creepy that I, you know, again, like I will survive if I think about it or if I see the name of it written down or if I see the poster of it or something like that, because it's often referenced by people,

I get scared just by thinking about it. Just talking to you now, I'm feeling scared. Yeah, it's weird. It gives me an anxious feeling. Because I've suddenly thought about the bit where she's having, where the devil impregnates her. She thinks it's a dream. And I've only seen it once. I've only got vague memories.

But I think you sort of see the devil's claw just for a few moments. You kind of see his back and his claw or something. Yeah. It's horrible. And he's all hairy. Yeah, he's hairy. He's hairy.

So actually, me and my wife watched it together. This was some years ago. And then we moved into where we live now. It's a masonette, right? So people live above us, next to us, diagonal. We've got people living around us all over the place. Weird old couple.

Well, we moved in and we'd met a few people. And it's sort of like you shake hands, but we'd watch this film. And when we moved in, I mentioned that to her. And she was like, never fucking say that again. It's just like, put the frighteners up. Yeah, because the whole film is set in an apartment block and it all sort of goes

and things are going on next door it's very claustrophobic it's very claustrophobic isn't it I know and the old couple who they become friendly with

who live across the hallway turn out to be Satan worshippers who raise the devil and get him to have it off with Mia Farrow which is fucking the last thing you can do

talk about nightmare neighbours who thought of this it's ridiculous isn't it it's a famous novel by an author whose name escapes me. He's written various other very famous scary novels. Right, of course it is, yeah. Okay, Rosemary's Baby, terrifying. Yeah.

And finally, Sam, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Okay, so I'm going to say badger. Yeah. Badgers are really scary and mysterious. I'm going to just real quick tell you a story about a badger. When I went to university at the University of Sussex, which is in a valley. Yeah.

Right. The campus is set in a valley. And in the first year, you all lived on the campus. And everyone would, you know, on either side of the valley, there was student accommodation. And it was said that after dark dark badgers roamed the valley and people would tell scary stories about encountering the badgers yeah and you'd often being students you'd often find yourself you know getting very high smoking weed in someone's flat or digs yeah and then at the end of the evening to walk across the valley home to your digs

and um we'd all get very scared about you know encountering a badger and then my friend who was half swedish said that there was a lot of badgers in the rural areas of sweden and they were known that they were very short-sighted so if they saw you they'd only see you late in the dark and then they would instinctively attack they would attack your shin and they have a vice-like grip and they would just clamp their jaw onto your shin until they heard the bone crack. And then when they heard the crack, they would scuttle off away into the darkness.

And he said the way in which Swedish farmers protected themselves against this when they were walking home late at night from the pub was they would put Riveta down the front of their socks. So then if a badger came up to them and bit them, they would just hear the Riveta crack. Is this true? And then run away.

Yeah. Is this true? And then run away. Yeah. Is this true? Yeah. And he told us this. And, you know, he says it's true. And I've spoken to other Swedes who verified it, right? And after that, there was one little shop on the campus, and it was perennially sold out of Rivita.

No. Because this story got around. All the students were going and buying Rivita to wear as protection in their socks at night. Oh, my God. And so I've always been suspicious of badgers ever since. Yeah. I've never seen a live badger in the wild.

I've seen dead badgers. In fact, I saw one recently, which was heroin, up close. And I've seen badgers on TV. But I've never seen a live badger in my eyes. But again, like Rosemary's Baby, not seeing it almost makes it more scary. It makes it it makes a bit more scary yeah it's a little hairy beast as well yeah it's one really quick story someone told me a long time ago on this podcast and i'm not sure if it's 100 true badgers burrow deep right i don't

know whether it's an urban legend or whatever that they often will burrow down claw their way into a coffin and drag the body out and eat it. No, no. Yeah, I'm not kidding. This is what I got told. That is amazing. What, in teams or solo? I've no idea, but I was told that story on this.

This demands further investigation. It does, doesn't it? And you've just made me even more certain that I picked the right animal. Yeah, Sam, this has been great. Thank you very much for coming in. It's been a pleasure. Thanks for having me.

I imagine people are here because they already listened to Top Flight Time Machine, but it's fantastic. If you don't, listen to it. You should listen to it. The Keen Odyssey is some of the best podcasts

I've ever heard. Well, thanks. It's amazing. Do you want to tell people a little bit about it if they haven't heard it? Top Flight Time Machine is basically with me

and Andy Dawson, who's a writer and an old friend of mine and you might know him from Athletico Mins by Mortimer. and you might know him from Athletico Mins by Mortimer this is his side podcast from Athletico Mins

which is not as successful but it's nevertheless popular his fans love it a lot yeah and it was supposed to be about football the reason it's called

Top Light Time Machine is it was supposed to be us looking back at a different Premier League season every week and reviewing it and being nostalgic

about it but then as it went on we started going in all different directions. And if you listen to it now, I would say it's gone from being 90% football, 10% other stuff to the other way around. It's basically two middle-aged men in crisis discussing the details of the crisis that we all encounter as we get deeper into our 40s. Yeah.

Fathers, middle-aged men, confused about the modern world. And we just sort of treat it as a little bit of therapy between the two of us. And once in a while, we mention what's going on in the football. There's sometimes some football chat. Yeah. Oh, it's great. Honestly, it is really good. It's hilarious.

So definitely check it out if you haven't heard it before. Sam, if people want to find you on social media etc where can they find you? at Delaney Man is me personally and you can find Top Flight Time Machine search that on Twitter and Instagram

yeah oh one last thing you're doing some live shows we are yeah in September and November we are doing live shows in various different places

over the country there are still some tickets left and if you go to our website which is topflighttimemachine.com you can see all the tour or on our Twitter

you can see all the tour dates and you can also there'll be a link to buy tickets for all of them so I think we're doing Manchester

Glasgow Newcastle quite a few dates in London and then in November I think we're doing Birmingham Liverpool

Brighton Bristol great thank you very much Sam nice one Liverpool, Brighton, Bristol. Great. Thank you very much, Sam. Nice one.