Desert Island Dicks - SAMANTHA BAINES

Episode Date: August 31, 2018

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you.

And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian, actress and podcaster Samantha Baines. Hello. Hello, how are you? Good, thanks. How are you? I'm absolutely fine. Thanks for coming in. That's all right. I feel like for this, can we call it Desert Island Vagges? Yes, you can.

Just because I have one of them. Okay. It's your podcast. you can do whatever you like with it thank you so who's going to be your first Desert Island Vag? well I think I don't know if everyone's chosen this person I feel like they should have

it's Katie Hopkins okay she's come up a couple times before but I'm always interested to hear new Katie Hopkins information I just think she's a bit horrific like if you need bodyguards to walk around with you every day on the street you're not doing something right with your life like like obviously if you're in a war-torn country that's different

but like in the UK she's just said some horrific things. And once, because I write poetry as well, you know, why not add to the list of silly things that I do? But I write comedy poems and I was asked to do Towel Day, which is Douglas Adams who wrote Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's like a day every year to celebrate him and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And in that book and show and film, there's something called

Vogon poetry and the Vogons are an alien race in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that read poetry and their poetry is like the second worst in the universe okay um so at this comedy event I was asked to do Vogon poetry and I was like how am I going to create something that is almost the worst thing in the universe so I literally read Katie Hopkins Twitter timeline that is so good and it and it worked really well and actually I'd never read that much of her work before and it really made me realize how horrific she is like she says horrible things about like ginger babies and like children and like every person under the sun she's horrible about and you know racist and sexist and homophobic like just all the worst things in the world so if i was with her on a desert island she'd i mean

i guess i guess i could i'm not a murderer, right? But if you were on a desert island, there wouldn't be any, you know, anyone to enforce justice. There wouldn't be a police. That's right, yeah. I don't know if this has come up before. No, no, but it's great. Maybe actually I would want her to be there

because something unfortunate could happen, like not caused by me. I'm not a murderer. I wouldn't commit a crime. No, sure. But like if like a cliff were to crumble onto her. Yes. Then. You would have done everyone a favour.

Yeah, well, I'm not saying I would do it. Maybe it would just be a natural disaster. Yeah, but who's to know on the desert. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, I don't think anyone should die but if if i had to kill someone then maybe it would be katie hopkins if her words are the second worst poetry in the galaxy who's going to be the first one i don't i don't even know no

okay it must be something well maybe trump don Trump. Donald Trump's Twitter timeline. Yeah. Right, okay, yeah. Although they're much of a muchness. I feel like they would be an iconic couple. They'd get on so well with their views, wouldn't they? Power couple. Yeah, like a horrific power couple, like hell power couple. Hellish firebrand.

Yeah. Okay, Katie Hopkins,kins yeah so she's deaf number one vag or like you're just she's just going around making horrible decisions with her life isn't it if you're just like if if you're being hinges on just saying things like that all the time i do wonder if she actually believes all the things she says or if she does it for attention or if she originally did it for attention and now she's just got herself like caught up in this brand and she has to just be horrible now yeah okay yeah so she's stuck in it she can't be like oh guys actually all of that was just for attention yeah can I just go back to being me

no or has she become her brand now? She's started believing it. She's got to see it out. Yeah, she has to. Horrific. Okay, Kate Hopkins is your first choice. Who's going to be your second choice? My second choice is Barry Scott, the Cillip Bag Man. Barry Scott?

What's Barry Scott done? I mean, he seems like an all right guy, but he just shouts all the time and that would be so grating that is such a good choice and also stop telling me about like what your product does like that's that's all he talks about i mean obviously i haven't met him in real life i've just seen him on the advert and i guess the advert is to advertise what the product does. But like he just shouts and like that every day, nonstop. Like, what do you want for breakfast? Like it would be too much. It would be too loud.

And I have a hearing aid in one ear. And so I have problems with loud noises. I'm like extra hypersensitive to them. So Barry Scott would like give me real bad times. And I have tinnitus so he'd bring it on and my life would be unpleasant on the island that is not what you want at all yes barry scott just showering all the time and all he's got to offer is just making everything clean when you're on an island where that's impossible also especially if there was like

i don't know if this island has like pebble beaches or sand beaches. It's up to you. Okay. Because sand gets everywhere. Like you can, you can never, it's like glitter. You can't get rid of it. Like it gets stuck in your vag. And I imagine your dick as well.

Yeah, it can. So like Barry Scott's not got the right products. No, he hasn't. For a desert island sand cleaning. No, it'd be painful. Okay. Exfoliating bits yeah okay barry scott yeah oh barry scott i wonder what barry scott's like in real life he shouts all the time that's what i imagine and just sprays all surfaces who at sillip bang was thinking we're not endorsed by sillip bang other cleaning products are available. But who at Cillit Bang thought, do you know how we'll endorse this?

Actually, I've got a really good idea. We'll just get a really shouty bloke to just shout the product. No, but didn't he invent the product? Oh, he invented it. They were like, Barry, you can't be in the ad. And he was like, I have to be in the ad. That is part of this package yes um and so he just they were like okay he shouts all the time we'll just make it a thing okay barry scott barry scott

i think that's his name by the way i might have got his name wrong no that's what i remembered it as i'm almost certain that that's his name barry scott shout we old barry scott and who's gonna be your third choice so my third choice isn't like one specific person it's a type of person okay and that is a jingle writer okay and the reason for that is i get songs really stuck in my head and those jingles are so catchy that if i was stuck on a desert island with like no telly, no radio, like nothing to do, no books, nothing to do with my life. And all I had was a jingle stuck in my head. I'd go mad. Yeah. And Barry Scott wouldn't be able to clean the sand out of my bits.

And Katie Hopkins would be being horrible. And I'd just have some jingle going round and round and round and it would be the worst is there any specific jingles that come to mind the Calgon one oh yeah washing machines live longer with Calgon yes okay six in my head there's oh there's so many I don't even want to think of them because I won't be able to no yes sorry who so like is it what I want to know is it one person's job to sit there and just keep hammering out jingles like each person? Yeah, they're our jingle writers. And that's it. They just work on jingles the whole time. They work on annoying, catchy tunes with like rhymey lyrics.

And then add a brand to it. Because they've got to be making enough money to survive off this, right? So I guess brands pay them loads of money to make these jingles. Yeah. That's even more annoying, I think. People live off it. Okay. Yeah. Jingle writer.

Mm-mm. No, thank you. Okay. Jingle writer. I mean, I think kudos to them for being able to make money out of that. But the fact that they make those is very annoying. I mean, it is a skill. It is a skill, yeah.

I'd love to have that skill. I'm just saying I wouldn't want to be trapped with someone who, like a jingle writer who loved their job and just wrote jingles out of everything. Because you know when you start doing something, like when I became a comedian, I started writing jokes. And you'll find this with like new comedians they just joke at you all the time and it gets too much right okay and now i don't do that because i people have to pay for me to joke

so the rest of the time i just talk normally but you know like someone who loved their job would just be like oh yeah oh a pinecone i can write a jingle about a pinecone yeah yes yes i'm with you pinecones live longer with cow gun it's always the same bang and the dirt is gone um okay great um sill it bang didn't need a jingle because they've got barry scott just shouting at them okay jingle right it's going to be your third choice that's great now samantha yes now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so my least favorite food is tofu tofu now i know like it's great for vegans and actually fried tofu is not too bad. But, you know, they're like cubes of like doughy, like rubbery tofu that is all white and it's got like little holes in it.

And it looks like a weird spongy dice with no number. Like it's just horrible. It tastes like a slug in my mouth. Like obviously I haven't eaten slugs, but it's what I imagine slugs would taste like. And it makes me feel sick. It's like blancmange, but with no sweetness. It just tastes of nothing. It just tastes of stale air.

Yeah, it's just sort of like substance, isn't it? Yeah. It's kind of like jelly. There's just, I think, it makes me, like thinking like jelly there's just i think it makes me like thinking about a bit of it in my mouth makes me go oh well i hate that how often are you having tofu not not that often but sometimes you order like noodles and it just has it in and they haven't warned you yes and then you just come across a little cube of it and it's disgusting and you're like why have you put this in?

The noodles have prawns in them. You don't need prawns and tofu. Yes, it's true. I know some people love tofu, but I just can't handle it. No, no. And I mean, people are having it as a, I guess, to fill out a meal with a vegetarian or a vegan or something, right? Yeah.

But there's not a lot going on. There's no flavour. It's just hot. Like, you have to just put so much sauce on it there's no point in having anything there you might as well have a little bit of sponge yeah loads of sauce on oh it's no good is it although i don't know if you'll digest that anyway no it's true tofu so tofu i would not love and then my drink drink choice this has been really fashionable recently, but I just can't. My brain cannot compute. It's rosemary water.

I, okay, I have no idea. What's rosemary water? It's just water infused with the herb rosemary, but it tastes like gravy. Oh. But it looks like water. And my brain is like, what is going on with this drink? And it was sort of because it's got the rosemary in it, it almost tastes like milky, like gravy.

But I can't, and people just drink it like, you know, like instead of water or instead of a cup of tea. No. And it tastes, oh, it's savoury. It's a very savoury flavour flavor and it's a flavor that you normally pair with meat yes yeah yeah or with a gravy or something okay i can't excuse my ignorance right yeah it's not a tea then it's just like no cold water with rosemary flavor in it yeah it's just a bottle of water comes in a beautiful glass bottle looks very trendy loads of like posh bars do it now right

and yeah it just looks like clear water but it's rosemary water so it smells like gravy and it tastes like gravy they're like health benefits so why are people yeah i think there are okay but just have gravy just have gravy what i was thinking as you're saying it was if you're making some nice gravy right you could just use rosemary water instead and boil that up and use it with your gravy powder and make a nice gravy. That might be extra good. If there was gravy powder on the desert island with the rosemary water, then it wouldn't be my least favourite.

No, okay. In that case, vodka shots would be my least favourite because I just can't handle them. It's not something that you should shot, in my opinion. You should have it in something else like a mixer. You can shot tequila, even Sambuca, but I can't, shotting vodka is too much. Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?

Yeah, again, it doesn't really, like obviously good vodka tastes like something, but vodka, I would say, doesn't have enough flavour on its own to shot now you're probably going to get lots of angry emails being like oh my god you just haven't tasted good enough vodka how dare you i've got nothing against russians um but because they shot vodka all the time yeah that's you know not a cliched russian thing to do um but yeah no vodka shots can't deal with it no no horrible never buy me a vodka shot okay i'll do my best um okay rosemary

water very odd i've never come across this before and i wonder if that says something about me but when when when you when you're having rosemary rosemary water when have you had that like in my friend had it at her house party okay so you go and yeah in bars and stuff a wild one rosemary water and shots of vodka yeah okay rosemary water goes in how very odd and you're there you're on the island and the only water you can drink because i'm just assuming you can't drink the water well you can't drink the water from the sea and there's no there's no fresh water on the island right and so you've just got to drink this rosemary water for the rest of your life awful you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose

from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, Samantha, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song. What they and why so my least favorite film is the water boy okay with adam sandler okay and it's mainly because adam sandler just really freaks me out really like i don't know what it is about him but he makes me like go oh okay like a shudder yeah oh right is it has that always been the case yeah i don't know i really don't you know there's just some people that you see sometimes and you're just like i don't know what it is about them like i think he's a talented individual, but I cannot watch him on screen. And also The Waterboy is a very strange film and he pours water at a football match in America or something.

I can't even remember because I've only seen it once, obviously, because I hated it and I don't want to watch it again. But it's something to do with, like, his character in that film. Like, I just can't deal with it. No, OK, yeah. I mean, I think, like, early on in his career, he was, like, did stand-up comedy and he was, like, quite a funny guy. Yeah, and he is funny.

But now he just does terrible films. He does, like, these really horrible, like, terrible films where he's, like, he is his sister and his sister's come to stay and it's him just being, like, really over, like terrible films where he's like, he is his sister and his sister's come to stay and it's him just being like really over the top as his sister. Or like he did this one where he has a remote control that controls his life. He can fast forward bits of your life and stuff like that.

I think I've seen a bit of that. I think they're some of the worst rated films on IMDb. Are they? Okay, so other people agree. Yeah, for sure. But like, I'm sure he's a very talented guy and very funny but i just i can't it's so weird because i can't even explain it to you but i just can't i can't watch him i think i think he's uh he's i think he is uh i think he's worth so much

more i think he could i think he could do something really good but he just makes these terrible films yeah but i hope he doesn't because then i'd want to watch it because everyone would be like it's such a good film but i just couldn't i wouldn't be able to watch what is it about him that creeps you out i don't know it's something to do with like his facial expressions i don't know okay i just think just gives me a weird feeling inside. Really? Like a, you know, like when you see someone you really fancy and you feel a wobbly inside. It's like that, but like the opposite, like a really bad version of that. Okay.

Like you just get a wash over you when you see someone you fancy in the street and you don't know why, you just fancy them on sight, on first appearance. It's like that, but bad. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, it's like that but bad oh that's weird yeah it's really weird imagine if i ever meet him imagine if i ever have to be in a film with him because i'm an actor and i'd take it because i would need the work yeah i'm a jobbing actor and he does films which you know are big blockbuster movies so it'd be good pay, so I'd take it.

But I've had to be in a scene with him. I'd have to just not look at him in the eyes. Do you think it's that bad? Yeah. Really? Maybe in real life it wouldn't be. Can you break down what it is about him? Is it just his facial expressions or...?

It's his head. It's his whole head? Yeah. It's not the rest of his body, because that doesn't freak me out it's it's his head like it's even his hair and his like haircut like it's just too it's just too i sound like a complete crazy person um but it's it just i can't explain it it's his whole head i can't deal with it. OK. I think...

Can you stop making me think about it? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK. The water boy, I think he lives in a swamp or something, but I think he's, like... He acts quite questionably in that film, I would say. Yeah, he does as well. The way that he sort of portrays the character

is quite intensive. Yeah. Let's say. It is. And he's playing someone that I think the people in the film call simple. But it doesn't, it isn't nice anyway. But also, I just can't watch Adam Sandler. Okay, we'll leave him there. The Waterboy is going to be your film.

And what's going to be your song choice? So this isn't really like, it's not like a pop release or anything. But my mum told me that I used to sing this song a lot when I was little and it drove her mad. What is it? And it's the song that never ends. I don't know if you've heard of it before, but it was like,

I think I went to Disney World or something and there was a ride with all these little like dolls in it. I don't know if you've heard of it before, but it was like, I think I went to Disney World or something. And there was a ride with all these little like dolls in it. And I was like four or something. And I loved all the dolls and I loved the ride. And I made my mum go on the ride like four million times. And the song that never ends just goes, this is a song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on my friends and then this is the song that never and you basically just repeat that over and over again and that's what the little doll people on

the ride sing and so i love that right and then i just used to sing it over and over again and drove my mom mad and then every so often she reminds me of it and i guess it's like the jingle writer thing it gets stuck in your head and you're just so later today you will be singing this is the song that never ends it's catchy um do you know what if that ride still exists which it probably does yeah it's, that song is probably happening there right now. And it's never ending. It just keeps going on and on and on. Do you think they turn it off in the evening

so actually the song does end? I don't know. Or they just keep it playing all the time? Any representatives of Disney, please do get in touch. Yeah, and just let us know, because I'd really like to know whether the song ever ends. You'll just get a call like, It really never ends.

I've been here for 20 years. I work on the booth in the song that never ends. Okay, great. I just imagined it had a booth for some reason. I like that. Someone tearing your tickets as you went in. The song that never ends. Oh, because you're on a little boat. I didn't explain it properly, did I?

So it's like a cave okay right right so you're on like a little boat and there's sort of a little like canal inside a cave and inside the cave there's like all these dolls and i think they're from different places all over the world and all the and so that it's like lit nicely and you go on your little boat like along the canal and they all sing the song there's no way out how many times did you make your family go on this right i think about six oh that's quite painful actually yeah fair play i think between me and my partner we'd probably just say can we take turns i need a break i need like every other can we take every other one well at the time i was an only child because my sister hadn't been born yet to ruin my life.

I love her now, but at the time I hated her because she stole all the attention. So I think I probably was holding my mum and my dad's hand and wouldn't let go. Come with me. Yeah. Okay, the song that never ends for the rest of time. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? Well, this is a difficult decision because there are some pretty scary, crazy, freaky animals. My first thought was rats, but then I thought, I live in London and there's pretty loads of rats anyway, so that wouldn't be different from everyday life. And they just hide in bins and stuff, so you don't see them. And then I really thought about it and the animal that I would hate to be, like, if the whole island was overrun with these, is ostriches. Yes, that'd be horrific be horrific yeah because they're massive

they are like it's not like rats where you can just i don't know like stand on something taller than them and then your feet wouldn't be near them like ostriches are huge and their faces are scary yes and they've got beak but their face is like less like a bird and more human like but with a beak i know what you mean yeah and they're fluffy and massive and they're meant to be very vicious they're vicious and they're fast yeah so you can't really outrun them and they'd just be like running at you with their beaks and if they were everywhere it would be so scary that is horrific you'd have to like climb up a tree yeah to, like, climb up a tree. Yeah. You would need to live up a tree.

Yeah. And then with Katie Hopkins and Silic Bang Man and Jingle Man up a tree. Even if you were just, like, up a hill or, like, I imagine they could clamber. They could clamber up. At least they can't fly, I guess. Yeah. And if you managed to kill one, there's probably a lot of meat on there. But... And they lay eggs.

Mmm. But their eggs are massive. Like, you wouldn't want to eat that no it's true yeah and then a little ostrich would come out and then there'd be baby ones and huge ones and there'd be feathers everywhere well you could assume that they've been here years before you have it's overrun there's a lot of ostrich there and like where do they where how do they of ostriches there. And like, where do they, how do they live, ostriches? I don't know. What do they eat? I don't even know. I imagine they just like eat grass.

No, don't they live, isn't the thing that they put their heads in the sand? Yes. Is that ostriches? Oh, they're looking for worms. They must live somewhere with sand. Maybe they're carnivorous. Oh, my God. So they might eat us.

Yeah, they could, yeah. They'd be like, oh, man. An ostrich, yeah. And I haven't thought about that before because people on this have said, like, cats, dogs, mosquitoes, like... I'm sorry. Cats would be the best thing ever.

A cat island would be like a major attraction. I'd love it. I would agree. Yes, I would agree. And I've definitely not fallen out. I've fallen out of favour with people on this podcast, I think, because I've definitely gone the way of the cat rather than the dog. But I think an island overrun with ostriches would be horrific

so they eat roots leaves and seeds but they will also eat whatever is available okay that's creepy so they would eat human yeah should you find yourself you know wounded or something they might come and eat you oh god they're so scared and they've got really long eyelashes as well so they're like a bit they're like oh look flutter my eyelashes at you yeah like draw you in quite alluring and then attack okay ostrich ostrich is going to be your animal choice samantha thank you so much for coming in thank you samantha what are you doing at the minute please tell me what you're up to i am recovering from the image of an ostrich chasing me. But I also have a new podcast out, which is called Periods.

Yes. Amazing Women in History. See what we did there? Nice. But I also have periods because I'm a woman. So that's, I'll just explain the joke there because that's what you should always do with a joke. So it's called Periods Amazing Women in History and we celebrate lost women from history. So women who should be household names but aren't. And I do that each episode with two current modern amazing women.

So if you like celebrating ladies, check it out. So you can get it on Acast,unes all your podcast apps periods amazing women in history lovely and if people want to find you on social media where can they find you i have a website samantha baines.com b-a-i-n-e-s don't spell it wrong i have i even have a necklace that is glittery with my name on so that people don't spell it wrong um i'm also on twitter and instagram at samantha baines and facebook lovely all right well thank you so much for coming in thanks so that people don't spell it wrong. Save my life. I'm also on Twitter and Instagram, at Samantha Baines, and Facebook. Lovely.

All right, well, thank you so much for coming in. Thanks. Thanks. Cheers.