Desert Island Dicks - SANJEEV KOHLI

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

We're joined in this episode by actor, comedian and writer, Sanjeev Kohli and enjoy a thorough discussion of the worst people and things he could be stuck on an island with. It's wonderful and you'll be happier once you've listened. A bit angrier perhaps, but happier too. Anyway, it's good, so stop reading this and listen. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today's episode features comedian and writer Sanjeev Kohli and it's a good episode not because of anything I do so I'm not being immodest here. I'm just saying

he's a great guest and so you know great guests make for great podcasts. He's funny and intelligent. Those two things are really good qualities to have in a sort of comedy podcast guest I always find. So yeah, hope you enjoy it. As always,

if you could subscribe to this podcast, if you enjoy it, you'd like to leave us a review or a rating, that's always really helpful so we always appreciate it if you can do that wherever you get your podcasts. I'm just going to keep it short and just get into it. Here's our guest, Sanjeev Kohli on Desert Island Dicks.

Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actor, comedian and writer Sanjeev Kohli. How are you doing? I'm good. And congratulations on the correct pronunciation of my first name because see when you're Asian like what I am you have the sort of Indian stroke Pakistani stroke Bangladeshi pronunciation of your name and then you've got the anglicized version which just makes it easier for people and so my mom

will call me Sanjeev like you just did but most people on desks will call me Sanjeev which I'm equally happy with happy with but I'm very impressed that you knew to say that. How did you know? I grew up in Leicester. Oh, there you go. There you go. So you are basically Asian then. What happens is there's so much Asian DNA in Leicester

that it can only azmote into you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I just grew up with lots of Asian friends and, you know, it's like, you know, at college it would be, I think, I was a minority at college, so, you know, kind of it's quite a healthy thing to me. What's hilarious about Leicester is I've got cousins in Leicester. Of course I do. And I come from a Sikh family.

And there are so many Asians in Leicester that the Sikhs can hate on the Gujaratis. Do you know what I mean? Because there's enough of them. Oh, yeah, definitely. And you must know this. You must have been caught in the crossfire, I dare say. You were probably put out as some kind of negotiator with a megaphone. Guys, come on.

Come on, we're all brown here. Come on now. So it's true, though. It's true that my cousin would speak incredibly derogatorily about Gujaratis. And I'm like, mate, you're all suffering. You've all got the same jackboot on your neck. Why are you picking on the Gujaratis and I'm like, mate, you're all suffering. You've all got the same jackboot on your neck. Why are you picking on the Gujaratis? So you will know. So well played. I'm very impressed. Thank you. Anyway, Sanjeev, how did you find, now I'm pronouncing your name again, I'm like, God, I better say it right a second time. How did you find the process of whittling

down your choices today? Do you find it easy to kind of instantly come up with a list of people and things you hate, or is it a bit harder to whittle it down? I'm a bit of a people pleaser. I hate confrontation. I've never liked it. I've always been bad at it. And I've got my theories about this. I mean, I think it's because when I was growing up,

I think I wanted to impress everyone because I wanted them to like Asians. I genuinely think that that was a feature of my life from when I was about five years old because we, our family, used to have a newsagent. Of course we did. We're Asian. It's in the small print for a while. My mum was a qualified social worker. My dad was a teacher. But for about four or five years, we had this shop and I'd see my mum serving the customers and you could see them coming in and it was a pretty kind of white neighborhood and they were I wouldn't say suspicious they're a

little bit wary of this this wee woman in her shawakamis and then her English was better than theirs and you could see them being oppressed and she was really polite to them and I just remember thinking you know she's really changed some attitudes there she's really kind of challenged some stereotypes and that always stayed with me. And I think I've taken that with me. So I've always been overly polite to people. I've always held doors open for people,

even like non-racists. In fact, specifically non-racists, in order to just say, to walk away from that and thinking, oh, Asians are just like us. They're not terrorists. They're not this, they're not that. They're not fundamental. They don't all smell of curry, although there is a reason

why some of us smell of curry, and that's another podcast. But the, and then latterly, that has become, I don't want people to think that he's a prick because he's on the television. So that's kind of become the new reason for me to please people. So what it means is, is that I'm not brilliant at hating on people I generally try to look for the positive in people having said that though there are people that I don't like and so it wasn't a natural thing for me to come up with people and things that I hated

I do try to find you know like Hitler for example not not everyone knows this he was an outstanding mimic he did a brilliant Harold Wilson now you won't see that in any history books and why should you it's not that relevant but I like to I do like to see I like to see the sweet corn in the pan of diarrhea that's that's what I like to do well I'd say think of this as like a safe space where you are allowed to say whatever you want you know maybe letting off a bit of steam will help you continue you know your path of just being a nice guy. This is you, isn't it? This is you, Dan. This is you handing me a sniper rifle and telling me to go up that water tower. That's what you're doing.

Yeah. And then in the hope that everything will be exactly the same afterwards and it won't leave you a changed, embittered man. Exactly. Like every best sitcom, we return back from whence we came. Yeah. I always try and tell people it's cathartic. And then afterwards they go, oh, this is cathartic. And then sort of towards the end, they start going,

God, I'm really angry now. So we'll see how we go on this journey, shall we? Okay, let's kick it off then. Who's going to be the first person joining on the island? Well, this already presented me with a bit of a dilemma because I was thinking, who are the three worst people I'd want to spend any length of time with in a confined space? And I'm thinking, maybe it's three people that I really like that I don't want to spend any length of time with in a confined space and i'm thinking

maybe it's three people that i really like that i don't want to spend time with because you only got you're never going to impress anyone over that length of time are you they're only going to see the worst bits not that long ago um i was at the scottish baftas two three years ago and i sat next to amanda inuchi who is one of my five living heroes yeah and i was next to him for two and a half hours like eating startamine and pudding and the whole yeah i was next to him for two and a half hours like eating startamine and pudding and the whole time i was like having an embolism trying not to make a dick of myself and i know for a fact had that been for a year on a desert island i would have made a dick of myself i know the fangirl right into his little face so my worry would be that if i did you know

the logic would be oh i'd love to be marooned on a desert island with Prince. But then do I really want Prince to see me shitting into a hole? Do I want to see Prince shitting into a hole? No, I don't. What if Prince turned out to be a casual racist? I mean, because you put on your best face, don't you, for the cameras, but then it's like big brother, isn't it? Once you forget that the cameras are on you, then all the horrible stuff comes to the surface. So that was my first element, but I thought that's not good for the podcast. So I picked people that I don't like. I mean, like I said, I'm not the most confrontational.

I have occasionally done it on Twitter. Sometimes I think if someone really needs to be punched in the upward direction, I'll do it. And of course, on Twitter, I mean, I'm not a keyboard warrior. I have a Twitter profile and my face is on there. Don't pretend that I'm someone that I'm not. And I do mostly torturous puns on Twitter. That's kind of what I do. But occasionally when someone fucks me off so much,

I feel I have to say something. And I did it with Lawrence Fox, right? Who is my first candidate for this bloody desert island, right? And he had, it was a photo, it was a still of a time was a photo it was a still of time out um interview that he'd done and the the the tagline is laurence fox interview why am i not bond question mark right so i just retweeted it and i didn't i didn't include him in on it you know i just retweeted i said to be fair laurence fox is my second choice to be the next bond

my first choice is everyone else ever who's ever lived ever, right? So that was not an okay sort of joke and observation, but he was just annoying me so much that I felt it needed saying, right? Not that anyone really cares about my opinion. I don't normally opine publicly because I don't think, you know, I'm that relevant, but I'm even less relevant than he is. But then someone has obviously pinged it to him. So he's got back to me.

And this is what he said. He said, I'm the wrong sex. I have the wrong skin color and I'm straight. The next Bond will be a non-binary, gender fluid, alphabet person. So I wouldn't worry too much. Have a nice life, given the jegi, which is my Twitter handle, right? So I'm thinking, what really is it so you're just you're doubling down then you're just you're absolutely digging into this and also as more than

one person pointed out alphabet person i'm assuming he means lgbtq plus right yeah they pointed out he's getting really fucked off and they realized that bond has an m and a q in it which is pretty funny so i'm thinking oh i kind of have to react to this so I got back with um so I I play Naveed in Still Game which is this uh comedy that's massive in Scotland it does have does have fans outside of Scotland but it's a big old Scottish phenomenon so it's kind of from a Scottish massive I retweeted what he said and I said my sincere apologies I just found out that Lawrence Fox was down to the last two to play Navid in a still game. Brown privilege is real. Okay.

And I thought, you know what, that's sometimes what comedy is for. Rather than let my hackles rise to this, just try and deal with it in a sort of comedy way. I thought it might be quite funny if you did actually make it to play this Asian shopkeeper and didn't get it because of brown privilege, right? But the best thing that came out of that was i was retweeted by someone now i want you to guess who this is daniel who might have retweeted that because it would just show how random twitter is i'll give you three guesses a two might have retweeted that okay um i don't know appears morgan no okay go sport sport um i'm so bad at sport i'm just. Gary Lineker, he's very active on.

Okay, you played the Leicester card and it's to your credit, but now go tennis and not Leicester. Go tennis and check dissident. I'm forgetting that you're about half my age, so you might not have to get the reference now. Oh, hang on. Ivan Lendl? Oh, no, Martina Navratilova. Oh, hang on. Check. Ivan Lendl? Is he?

No, Martina Navratilova. Oh, perfect. Retweets me. I was just going, who sounds Eastern European from tennis from a few generations ago? To be fair, I think he might actually be from Transylvania

and might actually be, you know, a bloodsucker. But no, Martina Navratilova retweets it. And then I just tweet her and I say, you've made my decade decade I think you're brilliant she said oh you make me laugh I'm like this is when Twitter works right yeah but it all it all came it all came from my um my you know perfectly logical hatred of Lawrence Fox I mean he just it's a bit of an obvious choice but I don't know it just currently when we're talking

about the people that react to things like woke and white privilege and all this stuff. And it's very interesting talking to you, as someone that grew up as a minority, and probably be much more tuned to what actually goes on and lives in reality. You've got a guy, Lance Fox, who not only is, you know, white and middle class and went to a very privileged school. I don't deny him all those things.

That's the childhood he had, right? And also, lest we forget, come from an acting dynasty. So, you know, who knows? Nepotism might have had something to do with the success he's had. But for him to claim that somehow he doesn't have any kind of privilege, that's when I have a problem with him.

And this is the guy that actually said he complained about why are there Asian soldiers in this production? It's about World War I. This is the Woke Brigade having their say. And then someone pointed out to him that 100,000 Indian soldiers died in World War I fighting for the British Army.

So he is almost like an unusually pure taxi driver. If you've got the DNA of of every right wing taxi driver you'd ever ever suffered and you put a test tube and you somehow grew it in a petri dish you would come up with this um this lanky streak of pish um so yeah i mean it's it's horrible and and what's hilarious is is that because he's got an audience now who i think fund him i think that's how he's working he's living now i could be wrong um but he's absolutely doubling tripling down and digging he's dug so he's dug so far that he's hit the earth's core but and he keeps going he keeps going to the other side it's it's almost hilarious that's why he'd be so frustrating on a desert island apart from like his obvious bias

is that you know no reasoning or evidence will ever, ever change his mind. So it's kind of like those circular arguments you get in with a bouncer when you're like, oh, there's just no point having any, you know, I can't bring in any logical reason here because you're just going to keep sticking to your guns despite everything telling you you're so obviously wrong. It's almost like, you know, I grew up, went to a catholic school and I rejected religion pretty early I mean especially Christianity because I just think think of what the bible is it's it's not only is it one of the worst written pieces of fiction that's ever been it's it's really about 10 people who will contradict each other and you decided that this would be the text that you'd use

to to live your life by and you know I I used to talk to priests who were in every other kind of sphere of their life, logical, good, clever people. And you'd actually see them panicking, trying to justify passages in the Bible. I remember being in primary six in Scotland, so that'd be, what, nine, ten years old. And I was never, like I say, non-confrontational, never really years old and I'm not I was I was never like I say not confrontational never really questioned authority I'm also fear authority but I remember having a real issue with the holy trinity and I thought how can God be three things I don't I couldn't get my head around it how can God be the father the son the holy spirit I don't understand and I asked my

teacher at the time I said miss I don't understand God three things? Is there one thing I don't understand? And her response to me was, Sanjeev, that's a holy mystery, and it's a sin to try and understand a holy mystery. Now, how could you possibly argue with that? It's like you say, if you're stuck on a desert island with someone that's going to come up with that shit, as a desi Lawrence Fox will, then you're right. It's going to be,'s like why why why engage

in dialogue why even try it's like trying to argue the fried egg on the wall it's a pointless pointless exercise you can get nothing from it all it's going to do is drive your blood pressure up and you know are there is a defibrillator in the island probably not depends what you can salvage from the plane i think that's true although i'm sure the defibrillator is probably next to the black box and is probably encased in the material the black box is made of, which coincidentally is also the same material that Sheen McGowan's made of. So on the island, you would have the black box, defibrillator, and Sheen McGowan, and I think I'd much rather talk to Sheen McGowan, frankly.

Even if you sort of said, look, Lawrence, to get on on this island, we're never going to discuss race anymore because it's been three years. I can't be bothered, so just ignore ignore that but you'd still hear the occasional you know and you're like I don't know what you're angry about maybe like is that is the sand not white enough like what is it like what's wrong here you know and also is he just one of those people that just feels he has to contradict everyone like would he just say something like I think I think chips are shit and then you challenge him on it and then he's and then he said i'll need to justify what i just said then and you come up with with what he thinks the argument as to why he thinks chips are shit or jaffa cakes or something that you know universally

loved yeah that's possibly who he is and and quite enjoys being entitled and being you know being allowed to express an opinion and not have it challenged in his little bubble. I mean, that is the problem, isn't it, with social networking is that knowing that someone like that actually has people at his back, whereas before he could just think

it was like a random outlier lunatic. And also what's really depressing is he's younger than I am. You know, so I can't say, oh, Nana, oh, Nana, you know, it must've been oh Nana oh Nana you know it must have been hard for you living in East End of London when the Asians were moving in he's fucking 41 or something dick but that's the thing isn't it I've worked with like people in the past

who you know had sort of dodgy views and people go oh no that's just him he's just old-fashioned I'm like well my mum's like a good 30 years older than him and doesn't act like that. Yeah. Even if you're 80, you were here in the 60s, you know, you've seen immigration and multiculturalism happen. And it's like, you sort of got had enough time to get used to it. Yeah. But it comes down, doesn't it, to basic respect for other human beings. And that's something that was never out of fashion or out of style. I mean, you look at like, you know, whenever we reassess comedy in the 60s and 70s it's always different times different times well i don't ever recall eric walker being racist or sexist yeah les les dawson wasn't i mean okay he did the mother-in-law stuff but actually that was more joke about him than it was about his

mother-in-law um it was when it's clever people who have respect for other human beings, then racism, sexism, chauvinism, toxic masculinity, these are all corollaries of a lack of respect for another human being. You know, that's abuse of power. And if you live your life by those rules, it doesn't matter if it's the 1920s or the 2010s. You shouldn't, you know, those things shouldn't tumble out of the mix, should they? Yeah, quite. Okay, well, Lawrence Fox is your first dick joining you on the island. And it's a strong start. So who are we going to add into the mix?

Who's the next dick joining you? Okay, well, this was a guy, I've called him sarcastic ticket guy because I don't know his name. So I've kind of given him the Simpsons kind of catch-all comic book guy. Sarcastic ticket guy. So I must have been about 16 or 17, and I was in London on my own for the first time. Normally I'd go with family, but I wanted to be independent. I'm going into – I'm going to go to Covent Garden, and I'm going to go on my own.

So I went to family in Hounslow in West London, and I went to the ticket office, and there was a guy there. And what I should have asked for was a travel card, like a one-day travel card. So anyone that has been to London will know it's a ticket. It just gets you around London for the whole day sort of thing. So what I should have asked for was a travel card. But what I said was, excuse me, how much is a Rover card?

And his response to me was, and this was his voice, I'm not making up, probably quite a lot to a collector given that it was discontinued three years ago. Now, number one, that was his voice. I've not done a John Majors and made up his voice. It was almost like his excessive sarcasm had shaped his mouth so that his voice sounded like that. But also, prick, I'm clearly 17 years old and I've asked for the wrong thing.

And again, it comes to that power thing. You know, I'm clearly quite vulnerable and he's the guy, he's the gatekeeper in the situation. And why do you think that sarcasm, like excessive, like bitter sarcasm was the correct choice at that point you know fair enough if I was a bit older or something it'd have been you know but he's just a coward isn't he yeah you know using sarcasm as a weapon behind this plexiglass uh and you know as someone that isn't I mean I don't normally get angry but I was absolutely raging absolutely

raging with that guy and I just thought you know that's really really lazy as well I mean don't get me wrong sarcasm in the right context and used to the right person is fine I know the core of the lowest form of humor and all that but um I don't have an issue with it when it's used in the right context but um that just annoyed me and imagine being stuck with that guy because I'd imagine well he's obviously a pedant as well and And the thing is, I'm a bit of a pedant, but in my mind. So I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi because I was very good at English at school and I did Latin. And I love language and I love wordplay.

And I'm a big stickler for punctuation and I hate the abuse of punctuation. So the whole apostrophe thing, I mean, I internalize it. But, you know this I'll never say out loud I'll try not to pick people up on their grammar I do with my kids to fuck them off yeah like I once said um my daughter she was I think she's about 10 at the time and she she she gave me the best comeback I've ever had because I said oh I was um how do you do in your test or whatever it was she said I did good and i said it's i did well bill it's an adverb and she just looked at me and she had quite an evil stare she looked at me and said

you're an adverb which i thought was quite the comeback and we still say that in in our house in the house to this day but um i'll tend to internalize that stuff and say do you know what maybe you're the dick because language is a fluid thing. And, you know, the whole thing of using of instead of have, it really grinds my gears, but I'll let it go because, do you know what? Language is fluid, so I'll tend to internalize that stuff. But you know for a fact that sarcastic ticket guy is going

to verbalize everything, isn't he? Yeah. I mean, it's a generalization. I feel like there's a, you you know that line of pedantry runs runs through the transport system quite a lot and is it and is it called is it cause or effect do they a recruit people on that basis is their line for please be sarcastic in 400 words or less otherwise you don't get the job or is it that that kind of line of work lends itself to pedantry or is it that you know because like I was perfectly

polite to the man and and very genial like I say I'm a people pleaser but I suppose a lot of people in that situation aren't and maybe their only weapon is sarcasm so this character Naveed that I play in Still Game so for people that don't know the show it's set in Craig Lang which is a fictional area of Glasgow, which is really quite kind of working class and poor. And Naveed owns the shop on the estate on the scheme. So he's kind of like the richest guy in the scheme. He's the guy that drives the town Merc with a private number plates.

And he's like a, he's a Muslim, but that's not relevant really until later in the run. So he's Asian and he's in the community. And so many people have said, oh, did the guys, because I don't write the show, so Ford, Kieran and Greg Hempel, who play Jack and Victor in the show, they write the show. And they wrote Naveed, the character who is, basically he's, what he is, he is sarcastic and quite kind of playful. And a lot of people have said to me oh did the boys base the navid character on our shopkeeper about 100 people have said this to me and they said no what

they've done is that they they just observed that you have this brand of shopkeeper and they do tend to be asian for reasons that are you know socio-economic you know that's the reason we had a shop was my dad saw all his friends getting promoted before him that's why we had a shop for a while so i'm happy to embrace that stereotype. But you've got a lot of Asian shopkeepers who are incredibly sarcastic. And the reason being is that that's all they've got. Because you can't lay into someone with a baseball bat anymore. It's very unfashionable.

So all you really have is your words. So they developed this brand of sarcasm over the years, you know, when really objectionable people or lanky Neds asking for a single fag coming to the shop, and that's all they really have. They can only really disarm them with words, which is probably why they've developed this line of sarcasm. So maybe sarcastic ticket guy and his ilk,

because I'm sure they have an ilk. That's why they are the way they are. But don't stick it out on me. I didn't give you a reason to be sarcastic. I asked a perfectly nice question with no strings, no context, and you came at me. You came at me with a bag of sarcasm, and I didn't like it. When you started talking about this guy,

I instantly thought of one that I had a couple of years ago that still makes me as angry now as it did then and it was like we went snowboarding just before the pandemic started and we got like a bus from the airport to the place we were staying and you know I'd written down our address in French I didn't know the address but I sort of copied what I had on an email from the place we were staying and then the driver was exactly like this sort of ticket inspector. He was kind of going, oh, who's next on this? And is that your surname?

Oh, we had a laugh in the office when we saw the address you'd written down. You see, in France, the postcode number is actually measured as a distance in metres from the centre of a town. So what you've written there is that your place where you're staying is 600,000 metres away from the centre. So we did laugh. And I'm like, mate, forgive my lack of, like, French postcode conventions.

Like, I obviously added a couple of zeros by mistake in a hurry because I've got all these bags and a two-year-old with me. Do you know what I mean? Jesus Christ. Because, like, you or i in that position would have allowed ourselves a little chuckle at the cultural difference and said no well obviously he's not from around here but that's funny but then to the number of decisions you had to make to then tell you that back and say we had a laugh about it you are a figure of

ridicule put you in the stocks for making a perfectly innocent mistake. It makes him an utter prick. Yeah, he actually did it with the microphone on the bus as well. You know, like the little mic the driver has. Oh, what a dick move that is. Oh, I'm raging on your behalf. Oh, that set me off. That's a basic injustice that I'm not happy with, I have to say. Yeah, yeah.

So I absolutely know this kind. And I feel like they can be rife on public transport. And yeah, maybe it is something about having to deal with dicks all day, every day. It's your only amusement. But it's still a dickish mood. Just be like every other normal person. Save it up and then bitch about the person to your colleagues

on your tea break. That's what the rest of us do. Just hold it in for an appropriate time with people who give a shit. Or better still, put him and sarcastic ticket guy together on the desert island and have a sarcasm off. Yeah. What I should have done was somehow,

if I'd been older and wiser and cleverer, I could have replied with sarcasm. But actually what you want to do is just tell the fuck off at speed. But to see two titans of sarcasm slugging out would be would be that that's sky one gold that is yeah i mean can you just imagine having to deal with that kind of person on a desert island like you're trying to climb a palm tree to knock down some coconuts and they're just standing there really sunburned going oh uh let us know if you find

any coconuts while you're busy playing around up there or, you know, that sort of thing. Imagine being married to that guy. I mean, aren't these like the kind of the stereotype woman who clatters a paperweight on the husband's head after 30 years because it's been a drip feed. It's been nothing specific. And it's been, you know, he was never physically violent or anything like that, but it's been a drip feed. It's been nothing specific. And it's been, you know, he was never physically violent

or anything like that, but it's been like drip feed, drip feed, drip feed of sarcasm. And then he pushes her over the plimsoll line. I would love for him to pick up on Lawrence Fox's, you know, if he got his grammar wrong or something, just pick a little hole in him, you know, because obviously language is one of the weapons of empire. I'd just love for him to pick a little, just pick a little hole in him you know because obviously language is that is is one of the weapons of empire just love from a pick a little just pick a little hole in him just

see if he disintegrated that'd be nice yeah all that money and uh still getting your apostrophes in the wrong place lawrence so oh dear yeah yeah okay classic and uh i mean i think we have to move on because i'm like just the thought of this kind of person is just sort of making my skin crawl slightly. So who's going to be the third person rounding out that trio of dicks? Oh God. Well, I was,

I was going to be really obvious again and say Priti Patel. But anyone that actually went to the bother of getting her name put on a jacket to show up at deportation, you know, of her own mum, if I'm anything else, but I won't, I'll go with Gino De Campo.

Okay, Gino De Campo. Yeah, we know who he is, don't we? He's the very handsome... Now, I don't know if he's Italian-Italian or British-Italian, I'm not sure. But if he is British-Italian, he's certainly playing up the Italian-Italian when he shows up on things like GMTV.

And it's just, oh God, he presses all my buttons because he's basically, he's just trying to entertain middle England with not even double entendres. It's just single entendres. And there's nothing subtle about it. You know, doing jokes about dicks and balls.

And at one point, I mean, my wife was watching it and I'm possibly paraphrasing here, but he was talking about going to Italy and with a show that he'd done. And I think he's talking to Phil and Holly and, and, and Holly said, Oh, whereabouts in Italy is that? He says, well, you know how Italy is kind of, you know, the sheep of this and that. Well, basically I was in the vagina of Italy and I thought, um, wow. Uh, you know, I was in the vagina of Italy. Wow. And I thought, wow. You know, I'm not a prude, but wow. Behave yourself.

Behave yourself. You've just done that for effect. You've just done that for the lols and the likes. And obviously, there's going to be sort of tittering middle Englanders having a whale of a time at this. And it really fucks me off that he has an audience for this utter shit. Because it's exactly what it's like it's almost like he's he's pressed he's not even pressing the buttons he's like rick fucking wakeman he's playing full 10 finger 10 finger chords of the shit for middle

england and playing right up to it and you know god he always he always get his arse out and it's like oh mate come on do you know how obvious you're being? But then, like I say, the only thing is that he has an audience, including that arsehole Philip Schofield who would be, you know, he's on the subs bench for the Desert Island because he's another fucking Middle England pleaser as well. It's honestly, it does my head in when you're watching mainstream television and you think, is this what Britain is?

Is this what makes people laugh? Is this is this humor yeah and annoyingly it probably is the people that find that really really funny um and he gino de campo is absolutely rinsing the arse out of it he's literally uh he's he just i have to actually walk away when he's on the television and i said to my mom if he you know because i already hate philip scofield anyway but him and gino together i need to walk away because i know that Philip and Holly are going to enable this prick. Yeah. By laughing at him, by being Middle England for me on my own television. If he's like he is on screen, he would just be absolutely exhausting to spend time with.

You know, that kind of person at that sort of level of intensity for that, I just find it so tiring. Yes. But there's part of me that thinks when he gets off that, I just find it so tiring. Yes. But there's part of me that thinks when he gets off camera, he's like a complete diva and just very hard work. Do you know what I mean? You know people who sort of make their living being a bit silly and telly, but they're really hard work and take themselves very seriously.

I've got a feeling that I can't prove, but he's one of those. Well, I know what you're saying because I equate him to Gordon Ramsay and I know that they did that show together with that with with Fred from First Dates who I like I like him he seems kind of a nice guy I wasn't I wouldn't say I was sniffy of presenters because I've done it myself but I put a lot more stock in people just being nice human beings because I think that actually is the solution to everything. Like, it annoys me that people like Gordon Ramsay and Anne Robinson, who are clearly horrible,

horrible people in real life, get a shot at television. I mean, Gordon Ramsay, who said that bullying in the workplace was okay again all of a sudden? Who said that was fine? Who said that that was entertainment? I mean, one of my guilty pleasures is Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, but not because of him. He's a 24- 2000 piece chicks over prick what i what i like is

is that is the denial of the owners of the restaurants and i quite like a you know transformation where they see the error of their ways annoyingly it takes this prick to point out to them um but i honestly that his whole shtick about being that rude and that ballsy, honestly, I'm done with it. Why do we, you know, I watch, I don't hate all the reality television. I like reality television when it's people actually being nice and collaborative. So I like Strictly Come Dancing.

I like The Bake Off. I like Gogglebox. What I hate is I'm a celebrity. What I hate is Big Brother. You know, when they're actually putting you know humans into a cage and actually trying to spark these false confrontations and these you know these false divides I can't be arsed with that anymore I'm done with it um the first series of big brother was interesting it was like a social experiment but now it's like um what are

we gonna do to them now and it's like fuck off with that honestly I'm done I'm absolutely done with it and I'm done with people like Gordon Ramsay getting airtime. Okay, fair enough. He might be an okay chef. Just let him chef. Don't give him airtime because you're only encouraging that kind of behavior. Gordon Ramsay, he works in a kitchen with, I think, Marco Pierre White, who is notoriously mean and bullyish. Yeah. But you've been through that now. And now you're at the top of your game. You're this huge voice in the industry. Just stop being a dick. Like you're a multimillionaire.

Yeah. This is the same with the medical profession, right? Because I was a medical student for a very short period of time, right? And when you graduate in Britain with your degree, you have to become a junior houseman, which involves really stupid hours. Like you get so tired, you're putting lives at risk. And consultants or people at the top of the game had a chance to change this.

And their argument was, well, we had to do it. It didn't harm us. Well, A, it did harm you. And B, you've got a chance to change something here. Are you honestly saying that, well, we had to do it? I mean, what kind of child says that? You're absolutely right. They're in a position to change all this stuff um and this whole this whole notion and it's the same in my business you know in in the acting business you know i've worked

with some utter pricks and they get away with it because they're quite talented and they're enabled um because i guess it's almost like that uh paul gascoigne argument which is oh if you uh if you take away that part of the game then they won't be you know as good anymore i'm sorry but tom hanks is one of the nicest human beings to draw breath and he's got three oscars you know what i mean yeah tom cruise tom cruise i don't particularly like his politics or the scientology thing but you know he's he will shake everyone's hand and talk to everyone yeah so don't tell me you have to act like a star to be a star that argument is absolutely redundant and i feel the same with like rock and roll and stuff it's

like dave grohl yeah dave grohl nice guy still does a good show thank you i don't think he's like any way less rock and roll than like someone who's just a prick all the time and it's like why do people think that you have to throw television this whole thing about throwing television hotel rooms that fucking annoys me. Because, I'm sorry, but you're not a quarterback. You haven't got the aim to land that television far away enough from people. And also, televisions explode. And I've got shot bits.

You're going to do damage to an innocent because you thought it was somehow rock and roll to throw a fucking television out of a fucking hotel room. You fucking infant. I'm done with it. was someone i think it might be in keith moon like the legend goes that like they wanted to throw the telly out the window but they wanted to make sure it stayed on all the way down so that people would see it so they used to go and buy extension cords and you're like you've gone so full circle with this you started out rock and roll and then you've gone into sort of vandalism and then you've gone quite boring because earlier in the day you were going oh look i need to go via maplins because i need to you know i mean there was a part in your

day where you've had to take time out to go to an electrical retailer when is that premeditated i don't think it's cool anymore you know oh? Oh, God, honestly, that needs to be eradicated. I think, because I think the whole Me Too thing is, to be slightly serious, is absolutely valid and needs to be changed. But I think the whole Me Too thing is actually a small part of the whole spectrum of just people treating other people badly and people treating other people with a lack of respect. And, you know, I see it on sets all the time the time where you know people like me are supposedly called the talent well I'm

sorry but none of this would be on air if any of us weren't here so don't be calling me the talent we're all the talent and the way that so-called runners and so-called junior operatives are are treated like shit I'm you know You know, have you not got children? Would you want them to be treated like that? Yeah, I know. It's mad, isn't it? So I'm really, really hoping that it isn't just me too, that it will be all about just people treating other people

with dignity and respect. Because honestly, so many of the world's problems would be solved if that was true. Yeah, having worked in broadcasting for a long time, it's exactly the same there. And you're like hang on but but they're talented but they i'm talented i'm working a lot longer than they are for a lot less pay so yes and i don't even get called talented at the end of it

well i think you made a very strong start and um you know we're going to distract you from the evil of humanity slightly by moving on because you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. what clay pot chicken is or certainly was in this one place. So I happened to be in, I was touring around the States. This was 1993, so I was 23 years old. I was touring around the States with my mate Arif,

and we're in San Francisco, which is an amazing place anyway, but also has got the biggest Chinatown outside of China itself. Although I wouldn't imagine they'd call it Chinatown in China, would they? And just call it home. And so RF had said, oh, do you know, we need to do that thing. They say you get like proper authentic Chinese food, like proper rural Chinese food in San Francisco if you find the right place. And if you go through a dry cleaners and there's a restaurant in the back

and the menus are all in Cantonese. So we found this place and we had to go through dry cleaners. And it it was at the back and it was all like it was all bamboo and it felt really authentic I mean not not like you never really know but because you know it was all Chinese people there but then you know I want to start an agency where I uh you know I send Italian people to Italian restaurants and make them sit in the window so that people think, oh, that's a good restaurant. So I'll call it windowmeat.com. Anyway, I digress. So we find this place and we sat and it was, it was the, the menu was in Cantonese, but there was an occasional English word and clay pot chicken came up. I thought, okay, I like chicken. I like pots. I like clay. I'm going to have the clay pot chicken. So ordered that. And the clay

pot came along and I thought, I quite like a stew and a broth. This looks promising. So I took the lid off and I asked for a fork because I'm shit with chopsticks. I just am. And I got the fork and I was kind of like, sort of mixing it up to see what was in there. And I thought something and I pulled out what what it was a tube of cartilage I can only imagine it was a gullet the chicken's throat and I'll eat pretty much anything apart from black corn jaffa cakes but I think that's the first time I've actually completely untouched a meal because I thought I'd you know I come from Punjabi culture where, you know, my wife slags me off for this. But if we're around at my mum's and she makes chicken, I will nibble everything.

But I honestly draw the line eating a chicken's throat. I mean, and this is the reason why, you know, one of the many reasons why I would never do I'm a Celebrity. Because eating all that stuff, it's just beyond the pale for me. I can't do it. Often with these things, it's like the taste is very like you know it's nothing strong or weird it's just textures that we don't have especially in like western cuisine our textures are very similar yeah you know there's nothing that chewy or springy or rubbery and like texture is much harder to get over than strong tastes totally because you can try something new and just go oh my god i don't know what this is like but it's amazing but something that's just especially when

it's a tube and you know it has a certain function in the body well exactly exactly how clean is that i mean i i when i was a medical student um uh i did it for four months and so we did anatomy and we we roll like it was six of us to each cadaver dissecting and looking at stuff and my last dissection was so we'd finished on the thorax and we moved on to the lower abdomen and the first thing you have to do is basically evacuate the the large intestine of your corpse if there's anything left in the system so you're basically the last thing I saw as a medical student was someone squeezing, squeezing basically brown toothpaste out of a dead woman's arse. So I'm never going to want to eat anything intestinal.

Fair enough. And what would you wash down your clay pot chicken with? Now, maybe controversial, Guinness. Okay, Guinness. And it's actually quite similar to the cleat pot chicken in the sense that it sounds inviting I think nothing looks more beautiful and glorious than a freshly poured Guinness yeah I mean there's so much theatre in the pouring of a Guinness like nothing else not even custard has the same level of theatre when it comes to pouring and it's time consuming

and it's about earning your right to have that Guinness and you know I've seen it I've got friends that love Guinness and it'll pour and you'll see the clouds and it's almost like a weather system in the glass and you've got a beautiful kind of mash topping and then some will get a cake slice and flatten it and say that looks absolutely amazing that that looks like the nectar of the gods and to me it tastes like diluted earth with a bit of washing up liquid that's what it tastes like to me and i think that's why i hate it so much it's because it promises so much and delivers so little and it gives you black shits and there's no way there's no way around that that's very disconcerting so yeah guinness i've never understood it annoys me because i really really want to love guinness

and you know it had that kind of cashier, didn't it, for a while when they were doing the best adverts. Yeah. They're doing proper thought-provoking, yes, pretentious, but quite kind of entertaining adverts. And it seemed to be the thing to ask for. Yeah, I love a Guinness. Oh, Guinness.

Because with Guinness, the brand, not only were you almost like empathising with the Irish experience in a weird way. So it had that kind of history to it. But also because the Guinness family, I mean, I've been to Dublin recently and they bloody, they own the place. And they say, oh, Guinness is never as good anyway. It doesn't travel well. You've got to have a Guinness in Dublin.

I did. It still tastes like shit to me. Very subjective. Just not a fan. But there's so many boxes ticked with Guinness it looks great as a historical context it has a as a narrative but also has this kind of new kind of almost philosophical existential kind of kind of layer going on and then you drink it nah I'd just much rather have an orange squash because I'm thinking I'm not a bit i'm not a big drinker generally you see i'm a i've got very childish taste buds when it comes to to booze i mean i mean i say that i've got the the drinking

habits of a 13 year old female goth i mean i like things like fruit cider do you know i mean i'm scottish and benjabi i should love whiskey yeah whiskey is a massive thing in benjabi culture it's a real status thing especially in seat Sikh culture. And if you go to, when I go back to India and my cousin takes me to his like bloody country club, it's, oh, whiskey, you've got to have whiskey. And I don't like whiskey. I wish I did, because I know, again, that is a whole world. I know people that can wax lyrical for years about whiskey and about how you add water to whiskey and the caramel and this and that just don't get it and I don't like lager either and I'm Scottish so um I'm a bit of a conundrum so a lot of drink is waste on me I think I like things like I like all these new gins

I like rum I've basically got a bit of a sweet tooth I think that's my issue a lot of these choices are coming down to sort of you know you're feeling like maybe a bit of a sweet tooth i think that's my issue a lot of these choices are coming down to sort of you know you're feeling like maybe a bit let down because you know like whiskey looks delicious it looks like you know melted honey but you know it's a really strong spirit and like guinness looks you know i mean i like all these things that you're mentioning but you know guinness is one of the very few things that looks the same as it does on the advert it's not like a big mac that looks like one thing in a picture and you get it out the box and it's just this mashed little, like, tiny thing. You know, Guinness looks like it's supposed to.

And it's so inviting. Visually, it always delivers. You're right. Yeah. And it's the same with, you know, with your clay pot chicken. It's like, you know, you had this anticipation of what you were going to get and you've been let down. Maybe it's to do with this sort of thing of, like it doesn't deliver on the promise that you want from it. Lawrence Fox let me down so many times.

You're absolutely right. And I thought he was the leading light for race relations and he just let me down at the last minute. So listen, sell Guinness to me then. I don't know. I mean, I think I've always quite liked it. So I don't really know. And also I recently came back to it

after I used to drink it a lot and uh recently as I get older I find more and more things cause me upset or like don't work with my new almost 40 year old body so I'm having to chop and change and it's like you know I was really into hipster beers for a long time and IPAs and then just found it was just made me feel so gassy and pregnant yes I thought there was something wrong with me so that's that's my that you know that is my issue with with all them things it's I can't it just fills me fills me up I yeah it's hard for me to slag it off but um I know a lot of people hate it as well I mean the black shit thing doesn't bother me because it's just my shit you know I don't really mind what that looks like you know i'll be the last person to see it you know as long as it's not like as long

as my shit's not bright red and you know i don't really i did i did an interesting discussion with with a guy about um about shit basically like a lot of people feel that when when when you defecate and when and when the excreta leaves your body it's no longer yours it's someone else's problem whereas a lot of people think that's, that is my shit and I'm responsible for that. And it's the same with farts. Now I will never fart in public. I hate doing it.

I'm embarrassed by it. Whereas a lot of people like Miriam Margulies, I'm reading her book just now and she farts at will and there's no issue with it. And it's interesting, isn't it? Like what I guess she's thinking once it leaves her body, well, it's not me,

is it? That's, that's extraneous to me now it's another thing and um it's funny because the guy i was talking to about it happened to be a law graduate who's a musician now a lovely guy called roddy hart and we were discussing that maybe there should be a branch of local fecal law whereby actually that should impact on if you if you slid in a human shit and wanted to sue the purveyor of that shit, could you sue them? Because is it their shit or is it just the world's shit? Anyway, it leads to say it's not a branch of law,

but just that you talk about that made me think of that because you're not bothered by your black shits, are you? There could be a podcast called Fecal Matters. Fecal Matters! Let's do it that's genius um but yeah you know what i think though as you know as a drink on a desert island as i said it's for me it's a very winter drink and yes i think you know apart from the practicality of just sort of having warm guinness to drink on a desert island is going to be a difficult one to swallow constantly so I

think it's a fair choice and you get it along with your clay pot chicken okay well let me do a really shit pun because that's kind of what I'm known for um I often imagine that if I were on a desert island it'll be surrounded by orange carbonated water but that might just be a fantasy i did qualify it by saying we shit so i i make no apologies for that and the pun has already left my body so i'm not responsible for anymore okay fair enough okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why the

wicker man remake with nicholas cage is um very interesting film it's been a while since i've seen it because why i don't tend to revisit things that are rubbish but and i do like nicholas cage in the right context i mean one of my top three favorite films of all time is uh raising arizona the cone brothers film uh which and i think he's he is absolutely it's a wonderful film for no one that's seen it's kind of underrated i think it's actually better than the big lebowski which i love as well but raising arizona is he's so good in that film and he's also really good in kick-ass i mean i think when he's cast correct it's like anything when you're cast correctly great but oh my god he's cast so wrongly in the wicker man and i've got a real issue with remakes anyway definitely i mean it's the basic

logic of why do you remake something that's good well the reason you do that is because it's a brand and a brand will get bums on seats and it's almost when they do remake they almost i get the impression they don't care that if it's shit because it kind of doesn't matter if you remake starsky and hutch you're going to get massive viewings for the first month for people that just like starsky and hutch it doesn't matter it's fuck all like the original do you know what i mean yeah and also if you're going to do a remake it's like doing a cover version of a song do you go do you actually do it really faithfully in which case what was the point because it was quite good to start with or would you go so off the thread it's something different in which case what was the point call it something different but then i do know what the point is the

point is you're using the brand to get bums on seats so you know you know you watch the wicker man do you think oh right i love the original which was great but you also you're never going to recreate that sense of impending doom are are you? Just with the lenses today. It's like, you know, when you watch something like The Omen or The Exorcist, there's a real horrible feeling that gets into your bones, into your core. And it's really, really hard for a modern film to recreate that because it was the way it was shot. It was the cinematography of the time.

The Omen still gets me in the feels. I'm 51. But it really, really gets into my marrow because of that feel. And The Wicker Man's the same. It's just, you're unsettled by the feel of the film that was never going to be recreated. And then Nicolas Cage, I mean,

if no one has seen the film, someone put it on YouTube, they put all the Nicolas Cage bits together so you don't have to watch the whole film. And he's hilarious. Ah, bees, get off the whole film. And he's hilarious. Ah, bees! Get off the fucking bike! It's so wrong.

It's like, what film did you think you were making, Nicolas? I think it feels like with Nicolas Cage, there was a bit of his career where he was just allowed to be the caricature of Nicolas Cage in everything. Yes. And also, it doesn't fit every film. So obviously, the Coen brothers sat on him when

they did um raising arizona and he's he's wonderful and he's really really funny that's the thing he can he can do comedy when it's the right when it's meant to be a comedy so yeah the wicker man is it's unintentionally hilarious it's actually quite entertaining watching him it's like have you seen this that clip of him on wogan i I'm not sure. You absolutely have to see that. It's like he's plugging wild at heart, which again, he's really good at. He's good then. Because David Lynch, he works in the Lynchian world because he's so over the top and everything.

And David Lynch is kind of over the top and weird. But he's on Wogan, plugging wild at heart. And he comes in clearly chemically altered, right? He does like a backflip and starts throwing he goes into his trousers what's he doing and he pulls out either playing cards or money and throws them into the audience it's one of the it is i i urge anyone that hasn't seen it on youtube it is hilarious you won't believe what you're watching amazing yeah i think nicholas cage definitely needs to be

contained and um and like nicholas cage must be contained as another podcast and the irony is he's called nicholas cage yeah he's not called nicholas uncaged although he's called nicholas he's not wearing any pants so you know and what would your song choice be yeah i've got i've got quite broad ranging musical tastes a kind of bit of a mixed bag so i tend to quite like different kinds of music but um i hate nearly everything cliff richards done yeah not everything i like carrie at the uh carrie and wide for sound stands actually. But it's when he comes out with one of his Christmas ones, and you can smell the desperation.

You can absolutely smell the desperation. And it's complete kind of – Mistletoe and Wine is one of the worst songs ever written. Some of the worst lyrics. But for me, the worst offender was the Millennium Prayer. Do you remember when he did this? He took the words of the Lord's Prayer and he set it to all dang sign yeah and what made it work because he went on he was talking about it on a tv show and he says um yeah no one's done this before i said yeah cliff because it

doesn't fucking work yeah the words don't scan but it was the sheer arrogance because he was speaking very arrogantly about how we've done this and we've done that it's amazing it's no it's not and also it's really cynical. You know, okay, maybe the money went to charity, but it's how cynical every Christmas, not anymore, because obviously he's a bit disillusioned now, but it used to be like, you know, it used to be the simile was as inevitable as a Christmas cliff single.

He was desperately getting them out there and the quality was not there. But if I was going to actually, I think my least favorite song is probably, it wasn't, it wasn't me by Shaggy. Okay. Yeah. Because it's,

it's a moral cesspit. It's, it's a guy singing a jaunty song about being caught having sex with his neighbor and how he should get out of this and having Shaggy on his right shoulder saying, deny it, deny it, deny it. It's horrible. You know, someone had that idea.

Oh, I'm going to write a song about having sex with the girl next door behind my girlfriend's back and trying to deny it. And a kind of uncle figure saying, see, it wasn't you, deny it, deny it. Thought, yeah, that's a three-minute song. That's got a beginning, middle, and an end. But I won't make it like an angsty Nick Cave thing i won't make it like a kind of an angsty

nick cave thing i'll make it like a poppy cod reggae thing that's the way to go with that uh and with a quite sweet melodious lyric and shaggy giving his respects in the background and yeah someone the number of decisions that went into that becoming a global smash lest we forget um actually sickens me it actually sickens me um because i it's weird because when you hear a song like that and it is poppy and it's light and it's you know it's not my cup of tea but you know it works as a melody but then you actually drill down into the lyrics it's a bit like do you remember the thong song by cisco oh god yeah it was same sort of time wasn't it yeah it's a bit like, do you remember the thong song by Cisco? Oh God, yeah. It was the same sort of time, wasn't it?

Yeah. It's a great song, don't get me wrong. It's a brilliant song, right? But if you didn't understand English and you heard that song, full string arrangement with a fucking key change,

you would think it was about the Civil War or something or an alien invasion. And then you listen to the lyrics, it's about pants. And the thing is, it's not even a metaphor. It's not even figurative. It's literally about women's pants yeah you know the number of times

i listen to blue suede shoes which is a great song right the number of times i listen to that song thinking what do the blue suede shoes represent is it vietnam no it's about him saying don't step on my fucking shoes and it's three minutes of that which i find hilarious but at least that was a throwaway pop song. The thong song is a full orchestrated, like I say, with a key change. And it's literally about skinny ladies fans, which is just ridiculous. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

I think, whether it wasn't me, it's just so indicative of the sort of mentality of a man who does just casually cheat on his partner, where his mate's advice is just like, know, casually cheat on his partner where, you know, his mate's advice is just like, oh, just say it wasn't you. And he's like, but she caught me on the counter. She caught me in the bedroom. And he's like, no, no, no. But what I'm saying, mate, is just say it wasn't you. And so, yeah, yeah.

But she caught me in the shower. So, yeah, but you're not hearing me, mate. And it's like, oh, my God, this conversation. Like, what the fuck are you she even caught him on camera so yeah she's got pictures like mate say it wasn't you i can't be any clearer like i'm repeating it constantly it's the worst form of gaslighting exactly what it is and and also it's like if i had been unfaithful and i told a friend about it i wouldn't expect him to say what are you like I need a moral compass in

that situation I need someone to tell me do you know what you fucked up do the right thing yeah but there's this whole denial thing honestly it's it's hilarious that it was so successful as a song yeah you know I'm not pretending that people listen to lyrics you know I mean I remember when Ice Cube today was a good day which you know i love ice cube i mean uh you know i loved nwa and i love ice cube i remember steve wright i think he was in the morning at this point so 93 wasn't it when or 92 when today was a good day came out and um he played it in full and there's a whole bit there about him having anal sex it was part of his day he was pulled up a big fat jammy and i killed the hootenanny. And it's basically about, you know,

one of the things is having anal sex with this girl with a large booty. And I don't think people listen to lyrics a lot of the time, you know, which is kind of fine, but kind of isn't. So, you know, it is slightly embarrassing, you know, for the human race that it wasn't me, it was a global smash that year.'t you wasn't me was a global smash that year the good thing about it being a global smash is that um it got so big that there was a response

record you know when people do like a reply oh yes and they did it with like you know there was no scrubs and i think there was like yes no pigeons yeah no pigeon yeah but so i've got on seven inch uh response record from the lady's point of view and it's got this uh dance hall singer called lady saw who uh who's amazing and every time the singer goes i caught him in the bathroom she just replies son of a bitch and it's so and it's like exactly it's like if you like the sort of vibe of that tune but we hate the words it's really good because you put it on and it's just like i caught him in the bedroom son of just like, I caught him in the bedroom, son of a bitch, and I caught him in the bathroom, son of a bitch.

The correct response. Yeah, it's great. So it's really satisfying. I'm going straight on to bloody Spotify for that. Yeah. Okay, well, listen, I'll tell you what, because you made such a good argument for Shaggy, I think that Thong Song has such an honourable mention

and fits so neatly into the same mould. I'm going to give you a special limited edition single that has Thong Song as a B-side, so that you can be constantly spinning it over and trapped. Do you know what? I hope Cisco listens to this and finds out that that huge orchestrated number is a B-side. I really, really hope he knows about that.

I hope Cisco listens to this just because I'd love to receive the email saying, by the way, Cisco's a huge fan. And have you heard the response to Thong Song where the thong is actually a metaphor for Vietnam. Okay. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh, it's going to have to be the seagull.

Yes. Good choice. I now realise now that I've got quite a strong moral streak, but seagulls don't seem to have any kind of moral compass, do they? They don't seem to contribute. They're loud. They're basically like skinheads and not good skinheads i mean you know because skinheads used to be good remember like back in the day not like the ones who like reggae and stuff yeah yeah so seagulls aren't the reggae liking skinheads they're the screwdriver liking skinheads

and you know for a fact that's what they listen to if they listen to music but just the arrogance of them um they don't give a shit they'll i mean we um we went on a holiday to with the family when the kids were younger uh went to to lake garda and we did a wee day trip to venice having a lovely day in venice did the gondola ride did all that stuff just an absolute gobsmacked awe of the beauty of the place like every street every back street was like a Michelangelo painting it was beautiful and then we were just heading back to get our water bus back and um this fucking seagull dive-bombed my son's chicken sandwich and traumatized him and uh I think you utter prick you utter prick. They're noisy. They're not helpful in any way. They will peck you.

They know no fear. In the same way that foxes are getting that way. You know, foxes used to be quite sleek and, well, you're from Leicester, so you are a fox. Yeah. But foxes will, you know, now you see them, now you don't. But now they'll come to your barbecue with a fucking monocle on the plate. You know, they're getting really, there's a,

there's a term in Glasgow wide. It means that they're really, really kind of in your face now. Yeah. Seagulls, you know, they will come. I mean, you've seen the clips of seagulls working out how to,

the pressure pads and Tesco's and they'll jump on it and they'll open and they'll take crisps and they'll fuck off. So they're not stupid either. So they're really quite scary. They'll stare you out. They'll, they'll, they'll completely, they're're not scared of anyone and that's quite scary in itself because they can do damage um so i can't think of many redeeming features of seagulls no and they're big as well like i lived in brighton and you'd sort of go you know like you get off the train you hear the seagulls

and you're like oh i'm home and then 10 And then 10 seconds later, you go, oh, yeah, I fucking hate these things. And, like, you know, there's different kinds of seagulls. The ones in Brighton are the size of a wheelbarrow. And, like, they're so aggressive. You know, there's enough food on the ground for them to eat, but they still have to, as you say, like, snatch food out of people's hands. And also, what the fuck are they laughing at? Yeah.

What is so funny? Are they all watching Michael McIntyre DVDs? Why are they always laughing? I think they're just sort of telling each other about what they've done to humans that day. They're like, oh yeah, I've got this four-year-old with a donut prick. This comes back to sarcastic guy at the snowboarding.

Yeah. Yeah, like fucking retelling this. It wasn't enough that they did the damage. they've got to relate it to the pals later which is just as evil isn't it i say and on a desert island where you've just finally finally managed to get a fish out of the sea like seagulls just attack and you know you can never leave leftovers lying around because they'll come and pinch it all and yeah i, I think Seagulls is an excellent choice. Excellent choice. And I've got to say, you know, looking back at your choices throughout, they have been very strong.

You've made a very good case for all of your dicks on the island today. So thank you so much for coming on. And Sanjeev, where's the best place to sort of keep up to date with what you're doing at the minute? I don't really have like a website as such, but Fags, mags and bags which is the radio 4 comedy that i co-write with donny mccleary and co-perform with them as well we've recorded series 10 count them actually don't count them because i just told you um and that starts

in february but what they're doing is they're repeating series 9 just now so there's another three of them to go out and then that'll go straight into series 10 um so that's coming up and I'm also I've done my first murder mystery I've done my first murder mystery I don't know I'm doing this voice um but it's a thing called magpie murders so magpies are quite scary as well aren't they um but this is a thing I think it's on Britbox which I don't have and I need to get Britbox because it's got some really good stuff don't have and i need to get brit box because it's got some really good stuff that our friends in the north is on there grange hill from the start is on there wow so i might have to shell out and get brit box because this thing magpie

murders is on it and um it's very interesting because it's it's about a mystery but it's told in two storylines two timelines i should say because it's about a mystery writer that gets killed. So that's the current day mystery, but also his book is unfinished when that's set in the 50s. So it's told in the two timelines. And because the writer uses characters from his real life, we all get to double up. So in the modern day storyline, I'm his lawyer who's dealing with his estate. But in the 50s, I'm a doctor that deals with the hero in the modern day storyline I'm his lawyer who's dealing with his estate but in the 50s I'm a doctor that deals with the hero of the book

so my mum's really happy I'm a lawyer and a doctor in the same fucking production and that'll be on in February I think so yeah that's awesome

so loads coming up brilliant well we'll keep an eye out for all those things and yeah just once again thank you so much for coming on

Desert Island Dicks it's been such a pleasure thank you so much i enjoyed it so there you go hope you enjoyed that one uh always, we'll be back next week with another wonderful guest. And if you would like to get involved with the podcast, then we're going to start Compact Dicks up again, which is where you, the listener, can have your say and get involved. If you'd like to submit any people or things that you would hate to spend time with on a desert island,

you can get in touch, dickspod.com slash contact, and we will put it in compact dicks whenever we finally get our asses in gear and bring it back again um that's about it for me so i just want to remind you that desert island dicks is a sync clap production created by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedictus our editor is chris attaway we get social media support from jason le and Chinsey Clinton. And a special mention, as always, to Grandmaster Flash and John Deacon. Thank you very much for listening, and we will be back soon.

Bye.