Desert Island Dicks - SARAH CHAMPION

Episode Date: August 28, 2019

Actor and radio presenter Sarah Champion joins me to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actor, radio presenter and my friend Sarah Champion. Oh, I like that friend made it into the list. I didn't tell you that before. I'm so pleased with that. Last minute, I scribbled it out and I thought, right, this is how we're going to do it. Yes, how are you?

Yeah, I'm good, thank you. I genuinely have been so looking forward to this. Yeah, me too. Because it saves me having therapy for the week. And that's expensive stuff i mean just to like be able to rant to someone who is you know for the best part non-judgmental i mean i have listened to some of the podcasts where you clearly don't agree with people and you're like really oh really yeah i know but uh i've said it on here before i think and it's like um if i agree with everyone, then I'm a part of it.

Right. I'd rather just be the facilitator. Of hate. Of hate. Go you. Yeah, yeah. And let it happen. That makes sense. What have I done? Every episode I think to myself, are my parents proud of me? What have I done here?

Sarah. Yeah. Some interesting choices that I've seen. Let's dive in. As always, who's going to be your first choice? Well, so here's the thing. Obviously, you've got your classic dicks. You've got your Piers Morgans, your Katie Hopkins. And don't get me wrong, being stuck on a desert island with those two would have me in a watery grave in no time.

But having listened to a good few of these, because I'm a fan of the podcast. Oh, thank you. I like it when people go a little bit left field. And with that in mind, my first dick is Michael Flatley of Riverdance fame. The lord of the dance? No, let's get this straight. The self-proclaimed lord of the dance. I say that having read snippets of his autobiography, which genuinely is the most extraordinary thing I have ever read. No way.

I've just been waiting for the right platform to share it on. And I've found it today. I'm happy to give it to you. Yeah, here we go. All right. So please give me your first question. So I was never a fan. Let's just make that clear.

There's something about that kind of oiled up torso that made me shudder, not in a good way. I can remember somebody telling me that he insisted on having his name ten times bigger on the poster than anybody else in Riverdance. And that, I can completely believe, having read snippets of this extraordinary book,

which is so good. I'm so happy to share it with you. Please, please, please. What have we got? Settle in. So the book is called Lord of the Dance. And kudos to A.A. Drill on Twitter for what is an epic thread on this.

It's well worth a read. I think his girlfriend picked it up from Poundland for him. But essentially, all the things I had feared were true about Michael Flatley are true about Michael Flatley. So a running theme is that everyone he's ever met thinks he is incredible, thinks he is a god.

And this is everyone from his ex-wives to Nelson Mandela to God himself. Every chapter starts with a quote from someone saying basically what a stud Michael Flatley is and really unlikely people. For instance, Mike Tyson on March 3rd, 2004, says, that fucking Flatley, that fucking Flatley, what a stud. Me, I think he's the best dancer in the world.

I'm one of the world's greatest athletes and I'm not just talking about sex. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I'm not just talking about sex that is mental um and so michael flatley has put this in his book to start each chapter um one of the biggest takes from the book is how michael flatley is and always has been massively horny there are at least two chapters dedicated to friends and family, talking basically about

how much he loves shagging, for want of a better expression. So his ex- wives contribute on this by saying stuff like, this is another quote, when we weren't making love two or three times a day, we were thinking about it.

It's just like exhausting, isn't it? What do you want for dinner? Oh, really't it? What do you want for dinner? Oh, really? Again? What do you want for dinner? Who has that

much energy? The Lord of the Dunes. The Lord of the Dunes. Evidently. I mean, yeah. There is a picture

section in the book where there's loads of photos of him kind of bare torso, leather trousers, really oiled up, shaking hands with Cliff Richard.

There's a bit in the book where he's in court and fires all of his lawyers and represents himself. Now, do you know who else did that? Ted Bundy. Oh, my God. There's a bit about how people think he's got a massive ego, but actually he really hasn't. And then in the chapter that's

immediately after that i think it's just graphic descriptions of how beautiful he is how ripped he is like a stallion uh how his dancing is so beautiful it makes people cry oh my god i mean i think we can all safely say the guy is a bit of a bellend. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, my God, this is insane. Like, I just didn't know it was that bad. Like, it instantly makes me want to go out and buy that book. I need to read it. Like, I might even try and get it on the Kindle for the way home. Just the quote at the beginning of every chapter about how good he is.

That is mad. Mandela, God himself. Oh, my God. It's just such a bizarre thing as well because like he does irish dancing right i've been yeah he's not curing cancer you think that from the book nelson mandela yeah honestly it's i mean if you can get it from the pound shop then definitely do oh my god from the pound shop okay can we move on to our second one yeah absolutely yeah let's do it

yeah okay right flatly because I feel like I mean I feel like we've given them a lot of their time oh yeah okay yeah yeah

100% let's move on who's going to be the second one well I'm just ready for this one yeah yeah go on yeah

Gemma Collins Gemma Collins the GC the GC are you a fan no okay I've got I've pledged no Collins, the GC. The GC. Are you a fan? No. Okay. I've pledged no allegiance to the GC. I just know she's called it. Please, I can't wait to hear this.

Well, as an Essex native, I kind of had a problem when I heard that the Only Ways Essex is being made because I thought, brilliant. I've grown up under the shadow of, you know, the Splitting Image song that sort of said, why doesn't Essex fall off the map? And all Essex people are stupid and all that kind of stuff. Also, you know, Essex girl jokes. Yes. So, you know, we were a figure of fun. And actually, Essex is no worse than a lot of other places. Certainly the home counties.

It's got beautiful parts. It's responsible for Depeche Mode. It's responsible for Dame Helenche mode it's responsible for dame helen mirren for goodness sake but all of that fades away when you've got this rude awful woman on television going do you know what babes i'm the gc do you know what i mean no i don't know what you what do you mean what? What, who, like, I think, so I Googled actually, I think she started off as a like used car saleswoman and then just kind of got propelled to fame through reality TV. Now, at this point, I could have a real rant about reality TV stars just in general, or certainly the sort of, you know, the ones who kind of have that expectation

that they should be treated in a certain way because they've been on the telly. Yes, of course. Now, you and I have worked together, you know, in the past with some incredible musicians and, you know, people who have got fame because there's a talent attached to it. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. These people who have been sort of suddenly thrust into the spotlight, in my experience, are the worst kind of people that i've met you know we had that lovely day out in manchester where we met guy garvey of elbow fame how lovely

is he yes lovely guy he sent us home with a bottle of wine uh free tickets to elbow like just so lovely yeah yeah um and then you get you know i did used to do a show for VH1 and there was, I won't name her. There was an ex, I want to say, ex-X Factor contestant who, watching the show, seemed lovely, seemed like really down to earth. And she was always laughing, really bubbly and gorgeous. And then she came on the TV show, which was live, and was the worst person i've ever met genuinely awful rude like to the extent that um i think when the camera started to roll i think i just looked shocked because she had blanked me and my co-host wouldn't come out of her dressing room without her agent really i just want to go what but how rude how do you get like that how do you get like that but also you haven't done a lot to get to that point no maybe there's something in

that but i kind of have a theory on fame that it's a bit like being drunk and if you're an arsehole to start off with you're a bigger arsehole once you've had a drink once you've had fame it's it's the same uh applies what a great analogy. It really works. It's just like, I feel like it's bizarre now because you have programs like Celebs Go Dating where the celebs,

in inverted commas, on there are just from reality TV. Right, so that's the thing. I have to kind of admit that I've never really watched The Only Way Is Essex

but I saw Gemma Collins on Celebs Go Dating and she was so awful and so rude to these genuinely lovely men who were just trying to have a date or you know I'm sure they had their own sort of agendas but you know regardless there's just no need to be that rude to anybody I don't care who you are and she was on that show kind of saying that she deserved to be treated like a princess and i just thought why though like yeah i mean you're not a knight you're not certainly not coming across as a nice person you're being really rude to just everybody around from the waiter to the

guy she was dating there's just you know i have a feeling that she wouldn't pull her weight on the island no well she actually um i remember vaguely remember she was on i'm a celebrity right very briefly yeah she was on it but like uh because the cameras are rolling 24 hours a day and obviously they're edited differently to other reality tv shows that she's been on you saw a side to her that was quite and as well on um celebrity and inverted commas big brother right and the cameras are rolling the whole time so you see all the sides which is quite a scary place well here's the thing so there's there's a video that sort of i think went viral reasonably recently and apologies if you are eating while listening to this i will just give you a warning

right now this is pretty grim um so she's got a yeast infection and i realize that's just unfortunate and you know the poor thing yeah but um she's there uh hands down her pants on camera having a good old scratch and then she gets her hand out and asks her assistant to sniff her hands no no no no. And it goes, stinks, doesn't it? No. I mean, here's the thing, James. That's the stuff she's doing on camera. Oh.

Imagine what she's like. Oh, yeah. When we're on that desert island. Oh, my God. Doesn't even bear thinking about. It's horrible. What are you building here? It's awful.

Okay. That is bad. That is really rough. awful. Okay, that is bad. That is really rough. Okay, so Gemma Collins. Is in. It's going to be your second choice. Okay, thank you very much. And who's going to be your third choice?

My old boss. Your old boss? Yeah. But I'm kind of just putting this under the bracket of anyone who is just a relentless bully. Oh my God. You know, I think we've all had a boss at some point that has not made our lives particularly pleasant.

Sure. And he was just dreadful. I mean, when I look back, I mean, it was when I was sort of, I was very eager to please, you know, just starting out in radio, and I kind of got what I thought was a bit of a big break. And he and there were kind of two bosses at this particular radio station

and they used to do a kind of good cop, bad cop routine. But without going into sort of, you know, really graphic detail, they were just horrendous. They were real bullies. I would come home and cry and I'm not a crier. Unless I'm watching, you know, a film like Marley and Me, I very rarely cry. But they were just so awful and I'd kind of been employed initially as a newsreader and then during the week they wanted me to do kind of PA duties which I didn't really have much experience in but I was you know eager to get on but evidently I wasn't a very good PA. And I can remember the kind of good cop boss sitting me down with a list of,

I think it was about 200 things. It was certainly two A4 pages of things that the other boss, bad boss, bad cop, said I was doing wrong. And it was honestly things like, so number 94 would be like, she doesn't put my coffee on my coaster. She puts it on the desk. This can't be real. And so Good Cop would lean under the desk and touch my knee and go,

do you want to go out for dinner and talk about it? Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It was so often, like looking back, I don't know why I didn't kind of flag it up. Yeah, I mean, it was kind of different times, unfortunately, and all that kind of stuff went on. And so you just, you know, I thought, well, no, this is quite a big break for me. There's quite a few, you know, important people in the industry that know this radio station or kind of have a connection with it anyway they um used the day that i took off my nan's funeral to fire me uh because they'd found an email that i'd written to a friend of mine that worked for the company um who was really aware that i was having a really rough time and so i kind of emailed back a few things and um they said that i was spreading negativity about the company. So, um... Sarah, I am so... Wait, wait, wait, it gets better.

Okay, go on. So, um, obviously, so I got fired, and that's pretty devastating when you're, like, 22 or whatever, and just, like, starting out. And I have this really vivid memory of being sat in my garden at home, my parents' garden, and the phone going, and it was bad boss. And he said to me, in um immortal words just to let you know

you will never get very far in radio because you've got such a bad attitude oh my god that's so good the comeuppance she's on the radio dickhead that's so good yes i feel so like what redemption at the end. I feel that. I just wanted to apologise for all mankind. I just wanted to say we're awful. I can't believe that happened to you. In the end, look at you.

Well, so not that. I mean, maybe a couple of years after and I was doing my own drive time show at a station. So I started to do quite well. He sent me an email saying, oh, you know, I know we didn't always have the best professional relationship,

but confession time, he wrote, I always had a soft spot for you. I thought, oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do you, like, oh, mate. How can you? Oh, Sarah. But do you know what? So I've sort of, I didn't want to go too deep with that because it's actually quite traumatic.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. But I think that most people at some point have come across, you know, a bad boss or a bully in some way, shape or form. And generally those people aren't happy. I mean I have it a lot now not so much with bosses thank goodness I've got nice bosses now but you know with sort of trolls, online trolls keyboard warriors

you know you can do a really good interview and one that you're really happy with. I can remember doing one with the Black Keys and they'd just come off the plane. They were really jet lagged. So it sort of took them a while to warm up. But actually at the end, I thought, God, you know what? I really enjoyed that.

It was a really good interview. And the PR lady phoned me up and said, and this never happened. She said, I just wanted to say that the boys were in a really bad mood when I brought them in. But they loved the interview. They had so much fun and it was great. That's so good. No. Because then they put it on YouTube and then you look at the comments and, oh, they were

just, everyone hates me. I get so much grief. And thinking back, I think we actually talked about keyboard warriors and trolls. So maybe that kind of... You fed them a bit. Yeah, you fed them. Yeah, yeah. Because I've had all sorts.

I've had like um i hope your dog dies just stuff that you go why would you say i don't know why you would say that um so yeah i think you know that kind of weird bullying and unnecessary nastiness has uh you know still very much yeah there but um like i say i think everybody can relate to either having been bullied, whether that's online in real life, and certainly having had a boss that's a bit of an arsehole. So I think I would kind of hopefully speak for everyone with that one. Yeah, and I think you're right.

And hopefully if someone's listening to this and they actually feel like they're going through a similar thing to what Sarah went through. Yeah. And hopefully this could be a message to you to, you know, speak out. Yeah. Or, you know, take the day off to go and speak to someone. Absolutely.

Or get some help and get yourself out of that situation. My DMs are open on Twitter. No dick pics. You're a nice person. Oh, my God. Just like that. Who's unprofessional? Who's Kai Leach?

What's the point? Kai Leach? Well, Sarah, if I told you... You'd have to kill me. OK. I'm making a documentary about gut barging. Gut barging? Oh, my God.

It's the strangest thing. And I'll tell you about it after. Great. I can't believe my phone went off. No, it's fine. Don't worry. It was a lovely moment. Keep it in. Keep it in.

Keep it in. I will. Okay, well, thank you very much, Sarah. Your old boss is going to be your third choice. That makes me shudder. Me too. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad yeah do you know what these are the two that i sort of struggled with quite a bit um food wise there are certain foods that i kind of object to so um foie gras for instance just basic oh feeding the birds up no yeah but like basically torturing torturing an animal on a daily basis so they have

a really fatty liver so that when you're in a posh restaurant you can get well i love the foie gras i mean it's just so awful and for that reason i've never had foie gras so i felt a bit of a putting that in um but what i have had which is sort of on a similar vein, well, snails. Snails. So one new year, years and years ago, I was in quite a past restaurant with my boyfriend at the time and we were, you know, sure, it was a very impressive place, et cetera. And the woman next to us ordered snails

and they smelt amazing because they smelt really garlicky, really buttery and, delicious yeah so i thought yeah well you know try something new i'll have the snails please and they were disgusting i mean they were exactly like what you would expect snails to be who looked at snail and thought and the thing for me is that if you have to smother a food in some other stuff, a lot of other stuff, to make it edible, you probably shouldn't be eating it in the first place.

It's true, it's true. A few questions. Go on, yeah. Like, if you start to feel sick, I'll stop. What happens to them? Are they like, so obviously they're fried with this garlic-y butter. Do they still look kind of like a snail? I think I've tried to block it out.

I can't really remember. I remember the taste. It's not even the taste because the taste is the garlic and the butter. The texture is pure. Oh God, I'm sorry. No, it's like doing a bush tucker trial. It's like fatty gristle. Oh my God. It's like fatty gristle. Oh my God.

It's like fatty gristle. That's so gross. And sort of further on in the evening, I can remember after having had a few drinks, I would think back to how disgusting it was and be a little bit sick in my mouth. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I've always thought that's a classy thing, right?

Because, you know, you're in a fancy restaurant and you see it on the menu. I've never had the, I've never had the, I don't know why I'm using this word, I've never had the guts I've never had the, I don't know why I'm using this word, I've never had the guts to order it, but now maybe I won't.

I wouldn't recommend it. Oh my God. I really wouldn't. Okay, snails, gross. Anything else on snails before we... Just leave them be. Yeah?

Okay. Yeah, just leave them to, you know, their little shells. Leave them alone. So food choice could possibly be animal choice as well.

Food choice is going to be snails and what's going to be your drink choice? Drink choice. I think you have to go with the drink that has made you really ill. And generally that's alcohol. And generally that's, yeah. So actually, this is a relatively recent memory.

I mean, I could obviously go back to sort of when I was 15 and talk about, I don't know, Diamond White or something, cider. But on this occasion, a few years ago, it was a friend of mine's birthday and we went to a nightclub in Milton Keynes called Pink Punters. It's a gay club. It's loads of fun. And I ordered a Desperado. Fun. Because I thought it was just beer. turns out which doesn't always make you happy goes one of two ways in my experience and uh so i'm necking these desperados like they're just regular beers and the next day oh my god I've never felt that bad.

Really? Just ever. Really? It was atrocious. Like, I just, I mean, I think I was kind of praying to the porcelain bowl on my knees for a good sort of, for hours. Oh, no. And it was just nonstop. And I thought, I'm just going to empty.

I'll just be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How is there any more... Oh, God. Dreadful. So I've had one Desperado, right? With like a lime. That's probably enough.

Maybe two, yeah? But never gotten drunk on Desperado, which I imagine... Because they're like quite high percentage, right? For a beer. Yeah. Like six point something, seven percent. And there's a certain tequila that you can drink that doesn't give you a hangover. It's a really good tequila, right, for a beer? Yeah. Like 6 point something, 7%. And I think there's a certain tequila that you can drink that doesn't give you a hangover.

It's a really good tequila, right? Yes. But I'm imagining the stuff they put in Desperados. I'm imagining it's the cheap stuff. Yeah. They've got a lot of that to make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

You're probably right. Don't do that. Desperados. Yeah. I mean, should I have a crash movie on this desert island and I open the cargo hold, I'll be like, Sarah don't worry, I've got this I'll just drink my way through them

but this is your island and Desperados, yeah, I mean no beer hangover is good but when it's got tequila in it, it's gonna be evil Okay, Desperados is gonna be your drink choice Thank you very much, Sarah.

Fortunately, you won't be about entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work. But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? So least favourite film was quite easy. You didn't have to think about it.

It just came straight away. It came straight away. Yeah. And it's The Human Centip away. It came straight away. Yeah. And it's the human centipede. Yes. Oh, my God. Who, in God's name, came up with that as a concept. And should they be in prison?

They probably should. I'm thinking probably. So for anyone who isn't familiar with the concept of the human centipede, it is the story of a german surgeon who kidnaps three tourists because it is his fantasy to join them surgically by their gastric systems now just to be clear this is what we're talking about again if you're eating i apologize he joins the three of them mouth to an anus, open mouth to bum hole. Okay, I'll level with you.

I've never seen the whole thing because I've seen snippets and that was kind of enough for me. I think I saw it up to the point where he was sewing the legs off from the knee. And I just thought, I'm i'm not i mean it's so my friend made me watch the making of the human centipede 3 which uh where they join a prison full of people together to form this massive oh that's ridiculous um can you imagine as an actor you know you're delighted when you get a role so imagine phoning your mum and dad and going guess what i got the part and they're like what's the part i'm prisoner number 73

on the human centipede i have prosthetics connecting me to prisoner number 74's arsehole oh my god it's just you've got such a unique perspective being an actor yourself. You must like, imagine that. Imagine that. Your agent calls you and you're like, so Sarah, I've got a part for you to go and audition for. You would turn around and think, you're fired, right? Surely.

If that's what you think of me... A lot of actors need a lot of work. You've got to do the work. You've just got to. Maybe if I'm in the middle, no one will know it's me. I mean, that's what I'd be thinking to myself. I really need the money. So have you seen it?

Have you seen any bits? The Human Centipede? Yeah. So I, yeah, I'm really not good with anything. Do you know what? Growing up, I used to love horror films. We used to watch things like, this is very 80s, so you're far too young,

but a creep show and things like that. And they were kind of almost quite funny as well as being scary. Okay, yeah. And actually, when I told my nephew, who was 15 at the time, about The Human Centipede, he laughed so hard

because he just thought that was hilarious. And I guess it is, but it's just so sick as well and i'm not very good on anything where there's kind of torture involved i remember having a panic attack watching hostile because at the end i was like there's got to be it's gonna be some kind of redemption there's gonna be like there's gonna be some form of happy ending no no. They're just a woman with her eyeball hanging out on a cheek. It's just horrible. It's not enhancing my life in any way. I feel like entertainment generally should come away

feeling a bit better. And the thing about horror, you know, if it makes you jump and that's great and it's kind of an adrenaline rush, that's why you enjoy it, right? But just to sit there

and watch someone... Watch something unfold like that. It's just's just grim um so yeah there needs to be a level of enjoyment right and i don't think with that there is and i can tell you because i've seen it and i'll tell you the scenario which you might find funny quite early on in my relationship with my now wife oh no it was the first day or something, wasn't it? No, no, no. Close. So me and my wife, we really like Brighton. Brighton is where we went on our first trip away together, so we visited a few times.

I think maybe it was the second time that we went, and it was really rainy. So we were like, okay, there's plenty to do. Let's have a look. And there was some cinema that my wife had found, and she was like, oh, we should go to this cinema. It sounds really cool. It's like a really old cinema, and it can buy a it's got a bar in there you can hang around have a drink i was like oh this sounds cool what's on and she was like oh there's only one thing on and i was

like what is it and she was like it's the human centipede right it sounds like it could be quite nice it sounds like it could be the hungry cat I know. And so our relationship's still kind of new and fresh. And also, she's like, I like a horror film. No, I'm not into them at all. I'm very jumpy. I don't like watching those things. And we're in there, and we bought a couple of drinks. And we sat there with loads of people around.

This film starts. All of a sudden, I realise this is going pretty badly. It's spectacularly dark. Yeah, really dark. And I'm just sat there and I'm looking around and I'm like, oh my God, I'm watching this in a room full of people. And at the scene where they reveal the people connected mouth to anus, I look over at my wife and she looks over at me with the kind of look that's like,

I'm not into this. Please don't think this is me. And afterwards, we had to have the conversation that was just like, is this what you're into? And she was like, no, I didn't know it was going to be that bad. Luckily, it all worked out. As I mentioned many times, we are now married, so it's fine. But yeah, imagine that.

But like the gasp in the room when the reveal of the centipede. Unbelievable. And I mean, like I say, I haven't seen the whole film, so I think it would be a spoiler, but it doesn't end well. It doesn't end well for anybody. It doesn't end well. Well, you could imagine, you like to think the reveal

is the end, right? But then it continues. And... They're just not doing well, because you're not meant to just eat someone else's... Shit, the whole time! Sarah, I did not know that this was going to go like this. It's dreadful, isn't it? I never thought we'd have a conversation like this.

It's amazing. And now loads of other people are going to hear it as well. This is great. If you're a fan of our show, you've heard Sarah talking on there. You would never have heard her say some of this stuff. Unbelievable. OK, Human Centipede. It's going to be your film choice. Although I did, my second choice would have been Riverdance.

That's so good. Because the idea of Michael Flally just watching himself 24-7. You'd have to watch it with him, imagine. Oh, God, that's so good. The river dance is up there with Human Centipede for you. You're on a bar. That's amazing. Did you see that he has a show on?

Flally's got a show on in West End right now. I thought that might be what you were going to say. But no, he's got a show on. Anyway, I don. Oh, no. I thought that might be what you were going to say. But no, he's got a show on. Anyway, I don't think he's in it. But there we go. Human Centipede and maybe Riverdance. What's going to be your song choice? Oh, this is the one I struggled with the most.

I genuinely really struggled because I think even the worst song, like the worst pop song or whatever, I really can't abide musical snobbery. So if someone's like, oh, I can't believe you, whoever it is, I don't know. I think if a song kind of lifts you or moves you in some way, that's the way. So it's all deeply personal.

And it's really interesting. I think if you insult somebody's musical choice or their favourite band or whatever, it's like you're insulting them personally. People take it very personally. You're best off keeping it to yourself. Having said that. And even through what I would deem to be musical torture,

and by that I mean when I was a little kid, if I didn't eat all my food, if I didn't clear my plate, my dad would threaten to play Bad Girls by Donna Summer because as a sort of three or four-year-old, the idea of being called a bad girl and then a song coming on Oh my god yeah It's just so traumatic but since

then I've worked on Magic Soul for instance or the 70s station on Absolute Radio and we play Donna Summer's Bad Girls and actually it's a great disco song so I've kind of made my peace with it The actual song that I'm going to go with it, it's not really even the whole song,

it's just part of the song, is linked quite closely to someone who I almost put into The Island as one of the dicks. Okay. So it's Simply Red. Yeah. The person is Mick Hucknall, who, let's not forget,

famously has been quoted saying he slept with thousands of women. At one point, I think he said he was sleeping with at least three women a day, three different women a day. How do you even do that? It's just a lot. It's a lot. And against that backdrop, it's literally this part of this song. So she says, I love you. That's quite nice. Show me.

Show me. It's so creepy. It genuinely makes my flesh crawl. That is creepy. Yeah. Oh, my God. Just that one bit. Just genuinely makes my flesh crawl. That is creepy. Yeah. Oh, my God. Just that one bit. Just that one bit on repeat.

Do you know what, right? For the rest of your life. That is awful. Show me. Show me. Just like, by accident, you put it on. Sarah, the listeners won't be able to have seen you, obviously, but you went very serious looking just before you said that.

You meant that. I really did. You did. You really meant that. It genuinely makes my flesh crawl. Oh, another one. Like, he's up there with flatly level... Is it narcissism?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Totally. 100%. Yeah. Interesting. What a strange character as well. Do you want it one more time?

Here we go. I love you. And where is he when he's doing this bit? Sure. No, no, no. It's so bad. No, make it stop. I can't make it stop there.

That's great. Oh, my God. That is awful. Yeah. Sarah. there that's great oh my god that is awful yeah sarah i mean just i don't know if it's been as bad on the island just to hear mick huckmill saying show me over and over again for the rest of your days what a great choice thanks uh okay anything else on that song before we put on the island i think we should move on there thank you that goes right on there. Thank you very much. And finally, the island is overrun

by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? And I know you're an animal lover. I'm such an animal lover. Such an animal lover. I can't, I mean, some of them are dicks though. Yeah, good.

So I live, I live on the Grand Union Canal and geese can be dicks. Yes. Geese can be real, like, real dicks. Like, real bullying kind of. So I'll walk, I quite often walk my dogs along the canal, along the water there. And if I see geese, I will stop and turn around

because they just do that kind of hissing thing. It's like two that I swear have mugged people as they walk past. Geese can be dicks, but I'm not going to go with geese. I'm going to go with flies. Flies, yes. It's a great choice. What do they do? No.

Well, do you know what? I'll tell you what they do, thanks to a really graphic poster that was up in my biology class at school, and I think a lot of people probably had this poster or have seen this poster. It said something along the lines of it was a really close up of a

fly and this big and it said something along the lines of when a fly lands on your food, it vomits stamps all the vomit in, sucks it back up, and then leaves a bit of shit as it goes.

And I mean, it said excrement, I think. And then, you know, the thing that made you go, it said, and now it's your turn to eat it. Oh, no. Because if you... Did you eat it? In the children's classroom?

Because, yeah, that's what a fly is doing when it lands on a piece of food. So, actually, the thing is, as a child as well, you don't have much control over these things, right? So, like, a fly has landed on your food, and you're sat there and you're like, fuck, I'm like, seven seven what do i do i guess were you in secondary school yeah yeah yeah okay even at 13 i would have thought mom

mom there's a fly on my food she'd be like shut up there's a fly shitting on my food i know vomiting stamping it in that's gross it's really gross isn't it it's really grim i can't remember they also might make quite a lot of noise, don't they? I remember being in the desert in Egypt. It should have been really beautiful. But because of all the flies, all you just hear is this constant zzzz. And it's quite torturous. Actually, other flying things, like a bee, for example, has a purpose.

Bees are beautiful. Yeah. I love bees. What's a fly doing? Yeah. What's that adding to the world? A fly is vomiting your food stomping it in

eating it and then shitting it that's what it's doing oh my god so even on the island right if you manage to catch a fish and do cooking if it's covered in flies

then it's just going to be eating and shitting all over your food oh my god oh James I feel like I've sworn quite a lot in this podcast but it's so freeing

because normally you know you're a microphone you can do what you want I've sworn quite a lot in this podcast. Yeah, I know. But it's so freeing because normally, you know, you're not allowed to. I do have quite a potty mouth. No, yeah, you do. I think people that listen to you regularly on Absolute Radio are going to be surprised. I'm actually quite surprised. I don't know if I've ever heard you swear before. Are you going to beep any of this out? Absolutely not.

No. It's all in there. Well, this has been amazing. Oh, thanks. Thank you so much, Sarah. I've really enjoyed it I'm glad we could finally make this happen

sorry if I've offended people it's alright Sarah if people want to hear more from you and this is the first time they've heard you where can they hear you

oh so I do shows on Absolute Radio on Absolute 80s Magic Soul I mean I'm just going to be on your radio at some point but certainly

Absolute 80s I do 10am I mean, I'm just going to be on your radio at some point. But certainly, absolute 80s, I do 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. every day, weekdays. And then weekends, I'm on absolute radio, 11 a.m. until 2 p.m. Mm, nice. And if people want to find you on social media, et cetera, where can they find you? Oh, okay, so Twitter is at Sarah Champion.

Instagram is at Sarah Jane Champion, with at sarah jane champion with a y because i missed out on getting sarah champion i think there's a video of me doing a really uh doing a shudder to mick hacknell from simply red something got me started on there is there okay i urge everyone to go and check that out thank you so much sarah thank you i really enjoyed that cheers I urge everyone to go and check that out. Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you. I really enjoyed that. Cheers.