Desert Island Dicks - SARAH GOSLING

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Presenter and broadcaster Sarah Gosling joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and this episode of Desert Island Dicks features Sarah Gosling. She's a presenter on Radio X, She writes for The Guardian and Clash magazine and much, much more besides. But in this instance, she's talking to me about the people and things you would hate to be stuck with on a desert island. And we recorded this a little while ago, actually. And so I can't remember very specific details, if I'm completely honest, but I do remember having

a very lovely time. So I hope that you will also having a very lovely time so I hope that you will also have a very lovely time that's kind of the point of this isn't it it's all just a bit of fun at the end of the day so let's enjoy it now shall we I'll be back at the end with some more chit chat but now here's Sarah Gosling on Desert Island Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is radio presenter and writer, Sarah Gosling. How are you? Hello, I'm doing very well. I'm like nestled into a crap filled corner, to be honest, of

my cabin because I'm in the process of moving house. So I'm very distinctly turning the camera so that you can't see the detritus that is my life as I say that other people are worse than me it's okay I mean the listeners have no idea so we can use the power of suggestion to just pretend that I live in a palatial landscape and everything is clean and magnificent it's incredible that you keep that chandelier so clean I always find them so difficult to look after so do you know what helps is the specially designed series of stepladders I keep both for architectural reasons and to reach the lofty heights of my vaulted ceilings. So, no, obviously not. I thought you were going to say, you know what helps?

The help. I considered them and went, no, that just makes me a dick. Well, we're going to get on to dicks. Obviously, that is our reason for being. So, I mean, how do you find the process of choosing your dicks? Are is that is our reason for being so I mean how do you find the process of choosing your dicks are you normally an upbeat person or how it's a good question soon as I realized I was doing this I was like oh my god right I can let rip this is very very exciting then I realized that I think because I attempt to appear optimistic and delighted by everything

when in fact the inside of me is a seething, constantly raging sea of disappointment, apathy, general rage that I couldn't hone it down for ages. So it honestly took me so long to kind of come up with this. At one point I had 45 names on a list. Wow. I had to be like, okay, I'm going to categorise, I'm going to go based on the types of

things i hate and then whittle from then so i keep changing my mind we're gonna stick with these yeah i think it's a snapshot of where you are right now and you know that can change and uh yeah i mean it's fine don't worry there's there's no wrong answers really so uh you know we can just get into it and we'll see where we go so uh, yeah. Sounds good. Who's going to be the first dick joining you on the island? The first one is going to be Howard Stern. Okay. All right. So, obviously, a fellow radio presenter.

That's how I describe him. A colleague, if you will. Yeah. He's, you know, the shock jock, as he likes to be known. And I'm a bit of a fraud in radio to be honest because I didn't I'm like not one of those people who did student radio or worked up in any kind of legit normal way I was writing and then I had sort of fell into it and so I didn't know about a lot of like really legendary radio presenters for a really long time and then when I started interviewing guests I was

like going through kind of the biggest interviewers and like looking at their techniques and everything. And then I found Howard Stern and he's just vile. He's just a vile, vile man. He's just like, I know he's called a shock jock, but I was going through some stuff about him and David Letterman, who by all accounts and by everything I've seen incredibly kind funny interviewer he's empathetic he's everything you want in that role how is Stern the exact opposite shockingly they fell out and Letterman said this about him he said he'd say hurtful things and the more hurtful things he'd say the bigger his audience would become and I was like that is exactly what's wrong with the world he is like the conduit for everyone just

being awful and i'm aware i'm literally ranting about people right now but he not only rants is absolutely vile about like women and just swears all the time for no desirable reason because he's got nothing useful to say but he's just bad at his job and like i know loads of people love him but i was considering doing like joe rogan or any of these like agro podcasters but he is the king of all of them he calls himself what was it there was another line that i could he calls himself the king of all media like he's just a dick yeah so my experience of him is pretty I remember years ago seeing that film about him and I'd never seen it. Is it called Private Parts?

Yeah, I've heard of it. It was a sort of like a, I suppose like a bio comedy about him. And I'd never really heard about him before, but it was one of those, all right, this is on the cinema. Okay, this looks amusing. Yeah. And so I don't think I've ever actually sort of heard or witnessed or consumed

any of his actual stuff other than that film and having a vague idea about him but i think it's fine when people are funny and say shocking things that are funny but when it is just shock for the sake of it and then that's led to such an outpouring of of people just like hey if you can't handle it fuck you sort of thing and And I just think, you know, obviously freedom of speech and everything, but also just don't be a dick. And I just don't think there's much point these days when there's so many other things you can talk about. Like there is so much you can talk about.

There are so many ways to talk about it. There is just like a way of being kind of decent and compassionate. Like one, right, key intro level to Howard Stern being a dick here, Dan, is watch his interview with harry styles and his band like this is the most recent example of how terrible it's like an hour-long interview harry's main band were all there loads of women in the band and he sat on his stool trying

to be really nice and howard stern is there like yeah so your stepdad died last month that's shit i was like doing all of this and being like, but you girls have shagged Harry. And it's all just vile. Like the implications that all the girls have got the role in the band because they've done him. They're like constantly trying to pry into all of these just icky bits of his life and the absolute lack of compassion.

And it's just in the same way as like Piers Morgan, who was another one who was on the list, and all of these people people do it's just dredging and clawing at people and trying to make something ooze out that they can monetize and i'm just like you're disgusting and i don't think i could like imagine being stuck on an island with him he would just be like so narcissistic wouldn't listen at all would just do whatever the hell he wanted to do and would make you feel shit about it while you did it. Yeah, exactly. I was thinking about the island scenario. And I think it's just that someone who just gets a kick out of pressing your buttons for no real reason. You know, I think if you end up in an argument with someone and you have an argument, that's fine.

But if nothing has happened and they just enjoy just winding you up for the sake of it, then just fuck off. Exactly. And they can't. You're stuck. Yeah. And I think, you know, it's perfectly possible to get good stuff out of interviewing people by being nice and having them trust you rather than actually kind of sort of like getting them so angry they snap and then you've got your clip or something i just think it's a bit reductive and yeah you know maybe when he started it was a bit more of a novel thing you know and he was doing something a bit differently but i mean i guess he's had a what i mean at least 20 30 year old career so it's it just sort of seems worse the older you get doesn't it it's like come on like what what is that what is shocking anymore anyway you, when the world is the state it is? Yeah. Like what's fascinating is,

because I was doing some reading about him, one of my favourite things to do in life is pick a name out of the hat and just write controversy after it. It really opens up a minefield. But interestingly, he's been in therapy for a while now and has been like trying to apologise to people behind the scenes, which is great and I respect him for doing that. But then he's still an asswipe as soon as he's broadcasting.

So he's like quietly being a nice person, but then still perpetuating this version of success to millions and millions of people, which is going to inspire them just to be dicks as well. He's making an army of dicks by being a dick. And that just makes me mad. Like be Graham Norton, you know? Just be Graham Norton. Yeah, I just think there's no place for it anymore.

And I think it's kind of boring and it's not even that shocking. It's just sort of low-level annoying along the same lines as, like, a little brother winding you up repeatedly. The little brother who, like, is 50 and still lives with your parents and still smokes weed in the basement every day. Like that guy. Yeah, and it's just, it's you know people like clarks and it's like you know what your shtick of just sort of being outspoken was interesting but now you just seem a bit sad

and i don't know how many uh thing is there are obviously people who still laugh along with it i think fortunately they're getting fewer and fewer and more people going yeah all right enough now just you're just and and also you, the only way you can keep it up is by getting more and more extreme and just more. It's just so boring. I completely agree. Clarkson was also on the list. Have you watched Clarkson's Farm?

No, I haven't. Because, I mean, I'm just at the point where, despite doing this podcast and very happily slagging people off quite often, in the rest of my life I try and be fairly positive and because I have the sort of brain that can just absolutely just latch on something and be so angry having an argument with him in my head I try and just sort of shield myself from so it's like you know I used to I used to watch Top Gear and stuff and like and yeah but now I just know anything with him will just annoy me so quickly.

I'm like, not having that. See, this is what I thought, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, but Clarkson's Farm is a very virtuous, life-affirming show. Really? It's him basically acknowledging that he needs to look after the environment

and be nice to people and making friends and doing good things and worrying about people. And it's like, what? And then what was so funny is the normal clarksonites from what i saw anyway just pretended that wasn't him and that was a media shtick it's like maybe it was but i love that you're not okay with the nice side yeah but you love him being a dick and saying that kieran eightley looks like an ironing board with a face is the one i remember that was a nice moment yeah i just i recently read an article it was like because i've always this is such a it's

like a guilty pleasure my luck i've always been interested in cars and i find it such a boring dull thing i'm always embarrassed that's a really niche field i hear a lot of people are into cars but it's quite a boring thing and increasingly irrelevant and stupid right there was like a sunday supplement lying around and I picked it up and it's like oh right it's a Clarkson thing about this car and I wanted to read about the car but I knew it was Clarkson I thought well how much how rude can he be in like 500 words about a fucking car oh and even within that he managed to be incredibly offensive and I was like how did you like just talk about the car how have you like managed to be so offensive in this and

it's like yeah oh fuck off but look i mean if if he isn't one of your choices you'll be relieved to hear he and also piers morgan have been covered extensively another thing i thought so so it's okay but look howard stern i think is a great first choice so who's going to be joining them liam pain okay so liam pain off one direction off one direction off very little fame and just what the fuckery post one direction um he like i remember watching his first audition back when i used to you know watch x factor over and team with my parents at home and he even then i remember him seeming really arrogant and weird and just quite cocky.

In fact, he was like the older ones. He was like, yeah, I deserve this. I deserve the fame. It just felt a bit weird. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't a directioner. But I know a lot of people who absolutely live for that stuff and die by the sword of it and camped outside their houses, which is deeply disconcerting. But I don't know anyone who likes him as the favourite when he was in that group.

And I think that says a lot because even like the one whose name I can't remember, whose dolls ended up in the bargain basement bins, even he had like people who loved him and then since then he has just become this like horrible superficial vacuous weirdo who like doesn't seem to know at all who he is and I feel sorry for him for that because it it's obviously part of like the media circus of it and yes he started out in this really young but now he's just trying to like throw his mates under the bus for it and thinks he's making art and is like a genius while making some of the most diabolical tribe I've ever heard like I so nearly picked his song strip that down featuring Quavo as the worst song in the world because have you heard it then? No I haven't I mean I might have by accident.

I was saying to you before we started recording, there's a lot of songs I don't know the names of. And when I hear them, I go, oh, that one. Okay. Can I read you some of the lyrics? Yeah, please. So begin. Honcho, Quavo, Yo-Yo, because of course,

Liam Payne notoriously makes sense for him to be saying that. He's like, I can't even deal with it. You know, I used to be in 1D. Now I'm out free. People want me for one thing. That's not me. I'm not changing the way that I used to be. I want to have fun and get rowdy.

Want Coke and Bacardi? Sipping lightly. Want to walk inside the party? Girls on me. F1 type Ferrari, six gear speed. Girl, I love it when your body grinds on me. That's the chorus. Wow, that's so much to

unpack there. I know you like cars, but like, would you be being like, F1 type Ferrari, but I do love it when your body grinds on me. Well, I mean, from the boring car standpoint, it's more likely to have more than six gears these days with the modern gearboxes. So that's the first thing. Actually, if I'm to get

into it, if you were to look at the modern mechanics... I hate to disagree with Liam Payne there, but the glaringly obvious... Notorious petrol head. Hasn't taken into account the modern dual-clutch gearbox there, so... May I recommend Jeremy Clarkson's recent article on this? See, this is what I hate.

I hate it about myself. It's so embarrassing. You've opened the cattle worm cell. you've opened the petrol cat a stir I know it's awful I just hate the world of it anyway but also like saying about sipping Bacardi

sipping Bacardi is that a brand sponsorship it's like a tick box event. It's not a luxurious item though. At least if you're saying Dom Perignon or something. They even drink Grey Goose it, you know, Bacardi. It's just fairly bad rum.

This is what makes me sad as well. I think that that is for his target audience. He's definitely going to get to this point where he's doing creepy meet and greets in clubs that girls are paying for. And he's just going to be that that old guy who's really weird and has sold out all of his mates and is making these terrible songs. Which can I just please tell you, there are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 songwriters on this. What?

That's insane. One of whom is Ed Sheeran. Fucking hell. God, that must be expensive. Christ. Yeah. Oh, my God. Hey, what about Bacardi?

That rhymes with stuff. All right, guys. So think about who we're going for, right? Target audiences is just basically lads in cars and girls who are too drunk to listen to the lyrics. Right. So we're going to talk about Bacardi. Don't go buy a Bacardi. We're going to talk about Ferraris.

Boys will want to buy a Ferrari. It's like, it's just so twattish. And like, it makes me want to punch the radio every time it's on. That sounds horrendous. I mean, does he, because it sort of sounds like it could be rapped. Is he sort of rapping it?

He's trying to rap. Everything about this, Dan, is like the most painful incarnation of a song co-written by Liam Payne Ed Sheeran and 13 others featuring Quavo it's that magnified by 10 and then you see him and he's doing like these weird accent shifts and then he's like calling his child bear and thinking he's some like big man ting and doing all of this and I'm just like I hate you you're everything I hate in a person yeah I mean I think if you've been in a boy band you need to have a bit of humility that it could all come crashing down and also that you know like I think

in the past you get people like who are incredible singers but they would call themselves singers rather than artists you know like even someone like Aretha Franklin would sing other people's songs and they would be open about that. And it was fine because she's fucking Aretha Franklin. You let her have it, right? Yeah, I mean, like do anything you want with that voice. I don't care who wrote it.

It doesn't matter, you know. But like if you're Liam Payne, it's like, okay, well, you needed 14 other people to help you write this. And it's still depths of hell abysmal. Yeah. I mean, at least don't take yourself seriously. Just be happy cruising along with what you've got, being a multimillionaire. Yeah. But let's not take yourself too seriously.

Because even Ed Sheeran, it's like, you know, you feel there's a bit more of an artist in there and I can't stand the guy. Me neither. But, I mean, yeah, like Liam, you're one of a defunct band, so you need to sort of wind your neck in a bit. Especially when, sorry, but when you've got Harry Styles in the mix. In this conversation, I've made it sound like I'm like Harry Styles' number one fan. I've brought him up quite a lot.

But, like, he is legitimately good now and he's crushing it. Again, I don't know his music, but I've weirdly become a fan of his recently by just the way he looks. I think he looks incredible and I love his style. And I'm a 40-year-old man and it doesn't really... You're into the jumpsuits, yeah? I just think he looks great. And he's got a whole collaboration with Gucci I think is amazing.

And it sits quite awkwardly with me and my persona. I just think he looks great and he's got a whole collaboration with Gucci. I think is amazing. And, and it, it sits quite awkwardly with me and my persona. I've got, I'm not, I'm not quite sure how this has happened. You've got a weird little shrine somewhere where you're like, good night, Harry.

Don't tell anyone. No, but I have, I have like looked up his range on the Gucci website. Not that I can afford it. I was going to say someone's doing well. Well, no,

I'm not looking. I often buy fake Gucci stuff from a Chinese website. So sometimes I can have a look on there and then I'll see what I can afford it. I was going to say, someone's doing well. Well, no, I'm not looking. I often buy fake Gucci stuff from a Chinese website. So sometimes I kind of have a look on there and then I see what I can find in China. Yeah, actual Gucki. Yeah. But yeah, it's a weird thing for me then, sort of going, ah, Team Harry.

And I'm like, what does this even mean? I don't know. Like, I don't know who you are. I know I like his jumpers. Yeah, I couldn't tell you what his songs sound like. But it seems like he's doing it about about the best you could do from coming from a clearly manufactured pop band on a tv show yeah like if you've come out like that then you're doing very very well for the rest of

them it's like for anyone else who's in that position it's like just be really happy that you were so lucky and then phase yourself out or carry on just don't be humility humility I think humility is a crucial one and I think that's probably kind of the running theme through all of my people which I'm aware there's a massive irony about me thinking my opinion is worth anything I'm saying about it but like I so like like someone like Harry Styles where he's like okay I'm actually gonna mine, see if I'm any good at it, work with some really cool people who I respect and try this as opposed to just like, obviously, there's a money making side to it. But with someone like Liam Payne, you can just feel that it is just about money and power. And I just think that's so ick.

Like, I have a genuine pencil case over there. I was like, can I get it? Is that too much of a faff? It's too much of a faff. Where it just says on it, stop making stupid people famous. And I think that's my life mantra. Yeah. And Liam Payne is the epitome of that to me.

Well, I think you've argued your point beautifully. It goes without saying, he'll be a pain in the arse on the island. Or bear pain is what you'll be. And then, I mean, God, having to listen to Howard Stern laying into him as well. So, yeah, it's awful. All right, well, who's going to be the final piece in this triangular puzzle of dicks?

So, honestly, I'm still kind of half torn. I've whittled it down and I was going between Jeremy Kyle or Gary Barlow, but I'm thinking you've had Jeremy Kyle probably a fair bit. If not, he's a bit more obvious. So I'm going to go with Gazza. I'm going to go with Gazza of Barlowshire. Do you know what?

We've had both of them, so I'm happy to hear your workings out and we can pick if you want. Okay. Well, Jeremy Kyle, I feel like he kind of overlaps, to be honest, a bit too much with what I have ranted about vigorously on the Howard Stern and Liam Payne front, in that he is just stoker of fires, grabber of sorrows,

monetiser of the hurting and it's just horrible and violent. I hate it. Gary Barlow though, wolf in sheep's freaking clothing, that man. His songs are horrible. Yep.

They genuinely make me feel viscerally nauseous. Like I get really angry any time a Gary Barlow song comes on. Like we have the radio on in the office because it's a radio office. And genuinely, if I take that or Gary Barlow song comes on, I will like either shout and ask everyone to change the station, like complete idiot, or I will leave the room. They just make me viscerally angry because I don't believe a word of it. And in a way, like, so yes, like Liam Payne, obviously terrible songwriter. That is bollocks,

but he's not trying to pretend he's, you know, mining the depths of the human soul for this and connecting on an emotional level. I just don't believe that Gary Barlow gives a shit about it. Like, I think he's very good. In the same way as Ed Sheeran has cracked the formula, dude's cracked the formula. Like, respect that. He knows that there is always going to be an audience for essentially simpering love songs

that tell you you're great and the one is out there waiting for you. But he's then, like, monetized it to this insane degree, made himself seem like this glorious, happy, loved up puppy of a human being who's all for charity and is like doing all this amazing stuff while evading taxes and kissing any boots available to try and get the knighthood he's so clearly desperately gagging for. It's like, you're just it. Like, I would not be surprised if he is such a dick in person. Yeah.

What annoys me about Gary Barlow is the way that as he sort of got older, he's sort of, he's become this sort of, people see him

as this like older statesman of songwriting or something. It's like, you're not in the mould of any of these people. You know,

I know that, you know, like from Wham, you got George Michael and he was respectable any of these people. You know, I know that, you know, like from Wham, you've got George Michael and he was respectable and that's fine. You know, like these things happen. You can sort of like twee and poppy and become great. But I just hate this sort of thing of like, oh, let's listen to Gary Barlow earnestly talking about the songwriting process.

I don't care about your process. I don't care about the workings of this because every single one of your songs has essentially sounded the same for a start. Your best songs were written by the Bee Gees. Pipe down, Barlow. Yeah. We're done with you. I like the Bee Gees.

So think, Bee Gees? Fine. Ain't going anywhere near the island. They're having a lovely time. But they're your best songs. They're not yours. Exactly. And then he's there, I don't know, like being wheeled out with i mean i don't like him but andrew lloyd

you know someone who has had this huge diverse career in musicals and everything or as you say like like what was it my sister was at the royal variety show uh and i was like who was there she went guess so i was like all right jess glenn she was like yes eddie golding yes that guy who does the choirs yeah i was like gary barlow obviously because he's always had these things if there is a royal present he'll be there going did you know i write love songs i can write one for you because he just knock them out in two minutes yeah it's like he's making a pre-mixed cake and then being like i've reinvented the wheel it's like you haven't. Yeah, I'm not comfortable with it at all. I just think he doesn't seem that nice.

And it's so fucking earnest. I think he really, really just believes he is one of Britain's greatest songwriters. And this is what's so gross is that all of these people fully believe it. My imposter syndrome is crippling in literally any situation. Like I clock out where the biggest loo is in basically any building I go in just in case I need a panic attack slash to like chow down a glass of wine just to make myself feel better. These people, as far as I can tell, unless they've just hidden it very, very, very well in literally every aspect of their public persona, don't have any of that element. They're just like, no, I am incredible at what I do, despite a lot of evidence showing to the contrary.

Like Gary Barlow, not even the biggest member would take that. How has he become visit Elder Statesman? People are like, yeah, but Robbie's just bad, isn't he? He's like, no, Robbie is actually a really shitting good songwriter i didn't realize i cared this much but i'm getting shrill but yeah i don't know i just think even if you're someone who writes terrible music at least if you're funny you know like we've all seen james blunt on twitter and like people like that like at least if you've got personality, then you think, all right, fair enough.

It's not for me. I think Will Young's music's terrible, but he seems like a really nice person. So you think, all right, well, that's just what you're into. Fair enough. Yeah. With Barlow, it's like you're really sincere, saccharine crap music.

And then personality-wise, you seem like you're probably a bit mean. Yes. He's probably a bit mean yes he's either a bit mean or like have you watched Parks and Rec I haven't I'm very badly

watched at the minute which is all good I will set the scene briefly basically they're on a campaign trail for a senator at one point

and he's you know very clean cut quite you know generically attractive very kind shakes your hands gets the job done to the nice basic way. Much of a Gary Barlow. Then he goes into this office and he just sort of sits there.

And April, the assistant, is like, I think he's genuinely a robot. I'm like, what? He's just watching TV. And they walk in and there is nothing on the opposite wall. He's just staring at the wall, completely po-faced for 20 minutes and then just repeatedly says, it's a hot one out there. And that's Gary Barlow. That is him. Sitting having dinner with that man.

No. No. No. No. It's just too easy to imagine him getting really angry at a gardener, isn't it? Yeah. And he'd go really like gaminy. You just imagine like the red rage going up his pasty-pasty face.

Yeah, I think you've made a very fine choice for this trio of dicks, and I think you're going to have a tricky time on the island with them. So bravo. Thank you very much. It's a lot of small dick energy on that island. Okay, now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay food i've gone for two because i very much put them in the same category

and they're often mixed together and they make my life very difficult. Peas and sweet corn. Okay, right. Peas and sweet corn. They seem to me very innocuous vegetables. This is the thing. And everyone thinks they're innocuous. And they're fine. They're pervasive. They sneak into your food.

They'll pop up in a samosa. They'll be in a curry. They're just going about their business. But if you really hate them, they are the vegetable equivalent of coriander. You don't really notice it unless you really, really hate it. I hate everything about them and I always have. And they're, I don't know, I just find them like, right.

So I can go through a list of reasons. Taste-wise, cloying, saccharin, it's like a sweetener version of a vegetable. You know, like how you'd have, I can't think of any sweetener brands right now, but where it all just tastes like a little bit off. You get like the diet version of something and it's like, it's not right. That's what peas and sweet corn tastes like. The texture of both, gritty, grim, powdery and a bit weird,

like something quite bad has just exploded in your mouth. Then we move on to the exploding part. Anything that pops in your mouth makes, honestly, it's so grim like it makes me want to gag um although i say that love popping a pomegranate seed in my mouth so apparently i'm just a hypocrite but they're just disgusting and i've always hated them and um also sweet corns no nutritional value you just shit them straight out and um my dad is convinced that i had i have hated peas since i was two and i got one stuck up my nose and he had to suck it out with a biro

right yeah that is a good trick because yeah we had to use very small tweezers when it happened to my son very carefully um yeah i mean i do i can see that obviously for you this would be a big problem. And also the idea of just having a big bowl of peas and sweetcorn on an island to deal with. I mean, that would be a frustrating way to eat for anyone. I would genuinely be sick. I would be so, so sick. I can't, like, they make me, I've been quite nauseous specific on this, but very nauseous. Like horrifyingly so every now

and then i try them again just to see if like my taste has changed like happened with olives you know first time i tried olives when i was like 16 i genuinely did throw up in a sink but next time loved them great i don't think it's ever going to happen with peas and sweet corn i think i think i'm done i'm tapped okay i was gonna say they're easily to avoid but actually they are so small and get everywhere that it would be really annoying if you're not into them so i could see how they would be a pain in the ass for you so and i think you've argued it beautifully so you know i mean this is your island i really wish it wasn't i was like if you take these away what will i feed my children but i realized you're just on an island with them you're not taking all

of them with you no i should be used to this format by now, really. You did construct it, Dan. Well, what would your drink choice be? How are you going to wash them down? Grimacingly, it was an Aperol Spritz. Oh, yes. Good choice. Good choice.

God, they're horrible. And they were all over Instagram and they're all very pretty. And everyone's like, oh, my God god get me an aperol spritz like all of my friends will just do you know the boozy brunches and it's just relentless aperols and i went on holiday a few years back to um bus barcelona and we got aperol spritzes in the sun i was like oh this is decadent beautiful look at a glowing orange in the sun and then i tasted it and i spat it out in the street because it tastes like penicillin. I make myself sound disgusting. I'm not just spitting stuff out in the street and vomiting all the time,

I swear. These rare occasions and they're stuck in my memory for a reason. But I had spent a stupid amount of money on that in there and I kept trying and I've not had a visceral response like that to a drink, I don't think, ever. It's disgusting. It's like metallic and medicinal and cloying that to a drink, I don't think, ever. It's disgusting. It's like metallic and medicinal and cloying. And they look nice, don't they?

They look nice. And same with Negronis. They look so great, but you kind of go, oh, maybe I like it now. Oh, there's the bitterness. I've not tried a Negroni because I'm so scared it's going to be the same thing. Yeah, they promise a lot. They just look so nice and classy but yeah and they just oh yeah they annoy me i have this theory i've said it to people before anytime you

see a table full of people drinking aperospirates if you watch them leave the table those glasses are always half full at the end right yes and people go no no it's just the melted ice i'm like if it was just melted ice they wouldn't be as like luminously orange as they started with right right i am completely in agreement with you like i was listening to kind of a film podcast thing the other day and they were saying that one of the pet peeves is when people in movies don't properly drink the drinks and stuff that are on the table they'll like lift a glass up and they'll start talking and put it back down. That's what Aperol spritzes are. Like it's you're watching people posing with a drink.

I don't believe any of my friends that say they actually like them because that is the most objectively, I would say, unlikable tasting drink that I have ever come across. There is nothing nice within that bouquet of flavours that seems appealing. And I just think the marketing team for Aperol must be absolutely bloody buzzed with themselves because it's a coup is what they've managed. Yeah, and, you know, the sort of places, you know, oh, but you're in Italy in the piazza and it was evening. Have a nice wine. Yeah, there's so many nice wines.

So there's no time where you're drinking Aperol that a nice glass of, like, cool white wine wouldn't be nicer. Do you know what? We don't have to mix it up all the time. When you're going to somewhere where they're known for something delicious or even if you just sat at a shit bar in Croydon, get a wine, not an Aperol spritz. There is never a time when you need that.

Because actually, I say they look nice. They look nice because they look refreshing, but they actually look too sort of orange. They look like iron brew in a fancy glass. Yeah, it's too, you know, I say they look nice. They look nice because they look refreshing, but they actually look too sort of orange. They look like iron brew in a fancy glass. Yeah, it's too, you know, I just don't trust them. Do you know what they taste a bit like iron brew? Is Aperol iron brew? I'm now starting to question everything.

It sounds like it's like a Scottish cocktail. That would just look like the Board of Tourism in Scotland just having an absolute field day. Like, our economy has been boosted greatly since Instagram took off. Yeah, I agree. I think it's, yeah, it's a bullshit drink. It's such a bullshit drink.

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to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay, least favourite film. I've gone for the first one that came into my head because I've never checked my watch more during a movie. The Greatest Showman. Okay. And my song

is Clean Bandit featuring Sean Paul Sean Paul Rockabye oh they both make me so angry just saying them

which should we get into first although you can start at the very beginning we'll start at the greatest showman okay greatest showman so I haven't seen it because I knew from the outset that this wasn't the film for me.

Congratulations. Hugh Jackman's got a circus. Is that the thing? Did you decide the posters? That's amazing. Basically, yeah, it's the whitewashed, Disney-fied version of a quite horrible series of events in which a man basically used a lot of vulnerable people and made a lot of money off them. But no, in this it's Hugh Jackman, a saviour of misfits alike.

And it's, ugh. And I've never seen a film where I could tell you more specifically, much like you, this isn't for me. I'm not going to waste my time watching this. There are good films I could be watching. Why would I do it? But one of my friends at work that I used to work with, she kept coming in every day being like, watched The Greatest Shaman again last night,

watched it again last night. By the time she convinced me that I must be wrong because she'd seen it so many times, and we agreed on a lot of other stuff. She had watched it five times in the cinema. In the cinema? Wow. Five times.

She has paid for Hugh Jackman's New York. That's the level we're at at this point. Or at least as Aperol Spritz is. Wow. And you know when you're with someone and they're really worried that you're not going to like the thing that they've taken you to

and they're just sort of looking at you and checking in. I do it all the time. I have never had to focus so hard on not looking angry and trying to really subtly check my watch because the songs aren't good. It's saccharine and shit. It's like that sweetener thing again. There's nothing like properly great

or wholesome about it like I don't like musicals anyway normally like I like like you know Chicago because that's amazing but it's awful Zendaya's great in it I'll give her that the acting's fine but it's like it's trying to be a Baz Luhrmann film and failing desperately and I knew the entire way through that the whole plot was a lie, but because of the way it had been wrapped up, loads of people would believe it and be like, isn't this nice how these things happened?

And it's like, are we not already at a point where history is not being discussed enough as is? And now we're like, isn't this cute that he's taking in people of all ethnicities and all backgrounds and giving them this amazing life? enough as is and now we're like isn't this cute that he's taking in people of all ethnicities and all backgrounds and giving them this amazing life it's like that's it's not how it happens there wasn't a fun moment towards the end of this circus's life where they all rose up and were like you're our hero which is what happens in the film and it's just gross like i really i've never wanted

to leave the cinema during a film war I had to force myself to sit and we got out she was like it was so good wasn't it well I don't think it was for me babe and we're like you're gonna need me to stop talking about this now because I'm just gonna make you very upset because see the rant I've just done yeah yeah no very well put yeah also I don't think that taking a load of people having a hard time making them work in a circus is really a good life. I think it's probably quite a difficult, lonely time, you know, on the road for months on end, not really seeing people, no stability. Just doing the same thing over and over again. But obviously in this case, Dan, it's they're a family of misfits.

And is he a misfit as well, except for being quite good looking and stuff? Except for being good looking, rich and talented. Yeah, he's really struggling. I had the plight of the wealthy white guy, particularly in what, 1800s Paris? It was really difficult. I wonder if part of the thing was, is it because it was like the first time

people had seen Hugh Jackman sing, so that was part of the surprise. But it wasn't it was like the first time people had seen Hugh Jackman sing? So that was part of the surprise. But it wasn't, was it? I don't know. I don't follow him that closely, but I don't. Well, this is the thing that's confusing. Hugh Jackman produced it. I remember there was a whole thing about the bearded lady in it.

And she's got an amazing voice. And he coerced her to join the troupe. So everyone was like, didn't coerce her. He convinced her to join the troupe. So everyone was like, oh my God, it's like he actually is the greatest showman. He pulled together these people himself. And I'm like, okay, that's quite cool. Was she actually bearded in real life? No. No.

You don't really get points for that, Hugh. But exactly. Fuck off, Hugh. No, it was that she was like, oh, I'm a bigger, not conventionally attractive woman. She'd been struggling to get cast in lots of films. Oh, I see. Okay. So she was like, in all the interviews,

it just felt really ick, her being wheeled out, being like Hugh Jackman is my saviour. He gave me all of this. And him just sitting there like, come see the film. But also in the film, you did kind of go, she's a lady with a beard. Now that's something people will pay to come and see. Because, you know, I mean, like, you wanted her in the circus,

but you knew she had a selling point, which was that she was different. And people aren't going, God, it's so great I could come to your circus and celebrate diversity. Whether they were going, God, that woman's got a beard like a man. They're not doing it to be like, well done. Yes. Yes, queen. It's like that.

Unexpected. All right. Yes. Yes, queen. It's like that. Unexpected. All right. Sure. He still wins. Yeah. Oh, it's just horrible. And it just feels very, again, there is a theme through this. It's people grabbing stuff from other people and pitching it as something

virtuous and worthwhile. Yeah, no, definitely. I can't believe your friends are five times in the cinema oh my god there is not a single film i've ever seen that i would watch that often in that space of time like earlier this year i saw everything everywhere all at once i've still not seen that well that was like the one film i can remember watching two days concurrently you know because we'd hired it you know you like rent it off apple or whatever and you get it for two days and then my wife watched it the second day and end up just watching it all again

yeah but that you know that's twice but i'm not gonna like i haven't seen it now in like what nine months or something i have since it came out that's fine you know i'll come back to it one day but five times five times that's extraordinary it's it's it's obsessive i don't know i just but same like being the last showman as well. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, honestly, give it a go. And please just like film your response to it,

because I feel like there is an entire group of people who have not watched this film, and I would genuinely pay to watch their responses to it. Because it's just squinting in horror and discomfort. Well, that's your new podcast sort of. What's squinting in horror and discomfort. Well, that's your new podcast sort of, you know. What's squinting in horror and discomfort? Well, just, you know, making people watch the last showman and talking about it, I think.

I think that might be a thing. I'll take it. Really unpleasant Gogglebot. Okay. Well, let's move on to your song choice then. So it's Rockabye with Sean Paul. Sorry, you actually said it wrong. It's Shut Up, Ol. Let's move on to your song choice then. Okay. So it's Rockabye with Sean Paul. Yeah. Sorry, you actually said it wrong.

It's Shut Up, Ol'. I don't think I can do it the justice that you do. And the band is... Clean Bandit. Clean Bandit. You're looking at a 40-year-old man who's just distanced himself so greatly from popular culture. I don't even know...

Because I do watch telly all the time, but I don't know what i'm watching because i've got no reference points of anything and i work in the radio business i don't know what any songs are i'm just like a fucking like i stayed in my own covid bubble i don't know what's happened and i never left listener but i know this song because this is like the soundtrack to being in a taxi trying not to be sick and they're like yeah you know, just sort of coming home. Oh God, it's this fucking thing again. Yeah, it's this fucking thing that makes me... I don't think any song has ever made me hate the world

and hate human beings more. I genuinely don't. I heard this and I... You know when things happen and they're so absurd and nonsensical that you kind of think you might be having a stroke. Like you're wondering if you're the only one hearing it.

And I remember like, I think I was in like some shit club in Torquay down where I'm from. And I must have been probably like 19 when this came out. I'll go with that.

When did it come out? 20, okay, 2018. God, now I was too old to be in one of those clubs. But it came on and all these 18-year-olds, yeah, I've been about 23, started dancing and groaning away to this song. It's got the beat, it's got Sean Paul,

it's Clean Bandit doing the bangers. And then you listen to the lyrics, and I'm going to have to read some of the lyrics again because I don't know if you are aware of them. Oh my God, I just, I can't. Call it love and devotion. Call it the mum's adoration foundation. A special bond of them. Oh my God, my chest, I can't. Call it love and devotion. Call it the mum's adoration foundation.

A special bond of creation for all the single mums out there going through frustration. Clean Bandit, shut up all. Anne-Marie, sing,

make them hear. She works the night by the water. She's going to stress so far away from her father's daughter. She just wants a life for her baby.

All on her own, no one will come. She's got to save him. Daily struggle. She tells him, ooh love, no one's ever going to her own. No one will come. She's got to save him. Daily struggle. She tells him, ooh, love, no one's ever going to hurt you, love. Keeps going. She's talking about all the way through not being able to, here we go, you find the school fee and the bus fare.

More when paps disappear. Like in the wrong bar, can't find them nowhere. Just losing the guy who got you pregnant. Not being able to afford to look after your baby. This single mum struggle in poverty set to a banging beat so that i don't understand what the thought process was for this song because the lyrics it's like they were actually trying to say something maybe meaningful but in the worst way i've ever seen it done. Yeah. And then this insane,

like synth pop meets dance beat is with it. And then Sean Paul and Anne-Marie and there's kids like grinding on each other and slut dropping on the floor, necking sambuca shots to a song about impoverished single mothers. It's really weird. It's really weird. It's really weird, yeah. I just love the bit like, so, because Sean Paul's got to do something

when he's not doing, so he keeps chipping in, but there's the bit, she's sort of going at the beginning going, you know, here's, I'm going to set the scene, everything's really bad, she's got a kid, but she loves him, blah, blah, blah. And then Sean Paul just goes, daily struggle. It's in brackets. He says something like, nobody she loves him, blah, blah, blah. And then Sean Paul just goes, daily struggle. It's in brackets.

He says something like, nobody matters like you. Stay up there. Stay up there. It's like, Sean, why are you here? And then she's like, stop interrupting, Sean. It's just really,

daily struggle. No, I get it. I get it. We get it. We get it. There's a bit here. It's the interjections. It's so good.

She tells him, your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life straight like why why are you there yeah stop it what are you doing

stop it all of his interjections just yeah yeah rock a bite but that's just like these bits it now she's got a six year old trying to keep him warm

trying to keep all the cold when he looks her in the eyes he don't know he's safe when she says she tells him ooh love no one's ever gonna hurt you love like it's so dark

yeah and the video right i watched the video of it which is kind of amazing in the wrong way for the wrong reasons go on talk to me because i couldn't bring myself to watch it so like it's set in like just like a very sort of old man pub it's really gray looking and all these gray looking old men sitting around and then there's a woman pole dancing who I guess is the woman that, you know, is the single mother. Right. To emphasise how hard it is for her daily struggle. With her daily struggle. So she's got to do like lap dancing in this rough looking pub. Right. But like it's a weird pub because there's about four people in it. It's the middle of the day.

Also, you don't often get lap dancers and pole dancers in an old man pub. No, and if they were, I think they'd go Friday night rather than... It's clearly the middle of the day because there's that grey light coming in. That Tuesday afternoon. But then there's a bit like it cuts to somewhere like Ibiza and the band are on the clifftop playing. But then she's...

It's the same woman. She's pole dancing in the background it's like well like i think and i think it even sort of mentions blah blah blah something about a better life and then they're like oh now they're somewhere sunny and it's nice why is she still fucking pole dancing i mean if that's what she wants to do you know if that's what she how she gets the money i'm not gonna diss her for that and you know if that is how she's great exercise, I'm not going to diss her for that. If that is how she plays. It's great exercise. It's fine, yeah. She must have a good core and that's fine.

But if the whole point is like, is it just that now she's pole dancing somewhere sunny? It was actually just vitamin D deficiency, the whole thing. It could just be like her walking along the beach with her kid if you wanted a nice thing, rather than still having a sexy person. Sitting playing by the pool. He was like, but you sort of like,

well, we've paid for the dancer in the video. We still want someone sexy in it. You know, like it's about, that was like a Sean Paul request. Like, you know, yes, she can now be, you know, have a nice, happy, functioning, easy life. But is she worth as much to me if she's not pole dancing? That's the question.

That's the question posed by Sean Paul. But there is a fantastic bit where they pan around this old man pub and there were these grey-looking old white men sitting there with their pints. And they just start voicing Sean Paul's lyrics. It's incredible. And it cuts between. There's like three of them.

And as they pan between them, they're all like mouthing his lyrics. So I'm like, is this appropriation?ation i mean he obviously signed off on this so i guess he's all right with it and then it pans around and sean paul's just there at the bar and it's like oh my god why did you get them to mouth like it's amazing it's the best thing i've seen in ages okay uh right well we've nailed that i think well rather you've nailed it um let's move on now because finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why chihuahuas chihuahuas good choice thank you i hate them what is it about them i love dogs dogs are amazing dogs should be like wolves the bigger the dog the better dogs should

just be like wolves you know and you can't get further away from a wolf or have a better example of how much humans are fucked up animals than the chihuahua the wheezing tiny ratty skinny barely functioning chihuahua with its bulging eyes and its inability to do anything useful including bark like why people want them i don't understand and it's the sort of person that wants them as well where i'm like you probably this this is a generalization and i am going to sound like a dick and i'm going to put myself on the island for what i'm about to say but you're probably the same sort of person who really likes rockabye and liam payne and probably the works of gary barlow and when i see chihuahuas trotting around in their tiny little jackets because they don't have enough proper fur to stay warm and they're always like they've got like diamante little crusts on them

and like or they're in a handbag and they just make me angry and the noise is piercing and they just they make me deeply sad and angry and And I would obviously never hurt an animal, but sometimes you see them and you do just sort of want to kick them a little bit, don't you? Yeah. No, they're weird things, aren't they? Like they're really, really small ones. Yeah.

I know this is a bit of a generalisation, but you know, like they're a Mexican breed, which seems weird because Mexico, like you think of like, you know, it's like cool, tough guys and like, you think like a dog from Mexico should be like this. Yeah. And I know that's an awful generalization and I'm sorry, but it just seems weird like that, that they come from there. Because what, I don't know if they have a purpose.

So maybe they were for like catching. What is your purpose? Were they for catching mice? No, but normally when you get a dog in a weird shape, it's because man needed a dog to solve a problem. So it's like, well, a dachshund is long and small so it can get into rabbit holes or something, isn't it? And like poodles have those silly pom-poms because it was like they were gun dogs

and you couldn't have all the fur on them because they'd be too heavy in the water. But you still have to keep bits of them warm, like their joints and their organs. And that's why they shave them like that. What's a chihuahua doing? Because it's like if you needed something to catch, to keep bits of them warm, like their joints and their organs. And that's why they shave them like that. Yeah. What's a chihuahua doing? Because it's like, if you needed something to catch,

is it to like catch moths or something? To catch moths! I should have gone with moths as well. I really hate moths. Imagine. I'd just be like, lock them all in a room and let them die. I've just Googled it. Okay.

This is not an answer I was anticipating here, Dan. It is a common belief that all small dogs were originally bred for hunting rodents. However, though rodent hunting may have been a natural instinct of chihuahuas, that wasn't their primary job. Chihuahuas were used for food as well as companionship. They were not hunters, but rather the hunted. Right. Okay, food and companionship, because they don't often go together.

It's not really the best mix, notoriously. Oh, well, you've cheered me up. Okay. Into the sandwich i really do hate you and it's fine to kill you because you are bred for food yeah that i mean that says a lot that that's so useless and not cute yeah they were like of all the dogs we will eat you there's just labradors running around camp like i'm fine because i'm cute like i nearly went for pugs as well but i feel more sad for pugs than angry yeah i get really annoyed about

all those kind of just all these dogs that are just so genetically misshapen that you can just hear them so like wheezing along the road behind you and you're in the park you know what the fuck is that oh god and you did this on purpose. And you knew they would wheeze like this and you were fine with that? And you chose to buy this from a puppy farm and, you know, make this keep going. I remember there was like a puppy farm situation in Gibraltar when we were out there

and it was all baby pugs. And it was like, this is horrible. Like they've already over bred them and now it's just grim. It's like, sorry, this dog I got off you is making a weird breathing sound. Like it's struggling. Did I step on it? So yeah, don't worry, mate.

They all do that. Oh, right. Well, in that case, it's fine. Do I take the receipt or do I just acknowledge defective from start? So they all have breathing trouble. Fine then. Fine. That's absolutely fine.

And they're bred to have breathing difficulties. Okay. No problem then. Thanks. Okay. Okay. So much. And they're bred to have breathing difficulties. Okay, no problem then. Thanks, okay. They have so much wrong. They're more likely to get cancer. They're more likely to get lung problems. They are the most broken animals. Yeah. A friend of mine actually had a pair of chihuahuas, right? A pair? Wow, that's bold. But they weren't what you think. They were bigger. They were the size of a Jack Russell or something.

Was it like a Pomeranian? No, it was an actual chihuahua. But she said that's what they think they were like bigger. They were like the size of a sort of Jack Russell or something. Was it like a Pomeranian? No, it was an actual Chihuahua. But she said that's like what they're supposed to be like the original breed. But you get miniature ones of the ones everyone thinks of. And these were like, yeah, they're the size of like a terrier or something. But still quite, you know, petite, but not like handbag size. Right. And she was saying that apparently they're bred to such an extent now

that it's impossible for them to give birth naturally. Like they have to have caesareans. Oh. I saw one, like, is it a Basset hound where they're like low to the ground and really long ears? Yeah. I saw one that had ears so long it kept stepping on them. It's like, you've bred it.

Like, why have you bred it like this? Like it's stepping on its own body parts i always have this thing with with with though with basset hounds and with dachshunds all of those i just if i ever need cheering up and this is me but it's funny just imagine them trying to get over a speed bump just because they're they're just broken and it's not their fault. And I feel very sorry for them. And I'm sorry they have a hard life. They don't mean to be dicks.

No. We're the dicks, but they are a perfect embodiment of how much we are dicks and how we should find better uses for our time. Yeah, you just feel sorry for it all the time. This tiny little chihuahua just scrabbling around and stuck in the sand. Can't do anything. And their legs are so small. It's like you're not even stuck in it

because you're basically just horizontal on it. You just have no power anywhere. They're just pathetic and they make me sad. I agree. I agree. And I think, I mean, you've really aced it today. I mean, it's a really good final submission to the island to make your place a real hellhole.

Thanks, Dan. I appreciate it. You've done a really good job. You know, I normally have low blood pressure. That is not the issue today, apparently. I've raised it up. I can feel the agitation. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But think of it as like a weird cleanse. We'll go with that. Yeah, go and have a cup of tea and a lie down and hopefully it'll pass. I'm going to go put the Greatest Showman soundtrack on a screen. Yeah, I was going to say, go watch that music video. Sarah, where can people see more of you? What are you up to at the minute?

So I present on Radio X every weekend, so you can always listen to that on the Global Playout, which is very fun, all the Indian rock and roll and guess what? A lot of shit chat from me, which you'd never have guessed if you've managed to get all the way through. And if you, yeah, follow me on socials at sarah gozzo i do lots of writing for places so more shit chat it's pretty pervasive dan

well so thank you again for coming on today it's been a real pleasure it's been an absolute joy thank you dan i'm gonna go punch a pillow there you go that was sarah gosling there and obviously i don't need to tell you that because if you've reached this part in the podcast that much should have been perfectly clear what i would like to say though is that we would love your submissions for compact dicks that's uh where you can tell us who and what annoys the hell out of you and what you would hate to be stuck on an island with and if you do that we can read them out on our show compact dicks so get in touch with us go toickspod.com slash contact and send us an email

or you can just get in touch on Twitter or Instagram at dickspod. Thanks to all of you who have downloaded and listened to this. If you get a chance to give us a rating and a review, that would be very much appreciated. And subscribe so then you won't miss any of this wonderful content. If you can't do any of these things then just tell a friend we always like a bit of word of mouth marketing and that's it really let me let me tell you a bit more about this podcast this podcast was a sync clap production

it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon it was produced and presented by me dan benedictus today it was expertly edited by the wonderful Chris Attaway, so big thanks to him. And additional support, as ever, comes from John Deacon. That's it for now. We'll be back very soon with some more Desert Island Dicks-related content. So until then, thanks again for downloading it, and we'll be back soon.

Bye!