Desert Island Dicks - SARAH KEYWORTH

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

My guest for this week's podcast is comedian and writer, Sarah Keyworth. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is writer and comedian Sarah Keyworth. Hello. Hello, thanks for having me. No, thanks for coming in. I really appreciate it. It's really nice to be here. Yeah. Sarah, let's dive in.

Who's going to be your first person? My first person, straight away, quite controversial because some would argue that he is a national treasure. But I can't think of anybody worse to be marooned with than Paul McCartney. No, okay, Paul McCartney. And I just think, when I see him on the telly, worse to be marooned with than Paul McCartney. No, okay, Paul McCartney. And I just think when I look at

when I see him on the telly, I look at him and I think he is, he's hiding something. Do you think so? Yeah, I look at him and I think something went on in the 70s, 80s something happened. He either did something or saw something and he's now pretending to be, like I'm

not saying this is fact this is this is my conspiracy theory about paul mccartney i just don't trust him when i look at him really he's trying to be too nice he's hiding something yeah he's covering something up yeah he is he's just and also he would be the first guy to produce a guitar on a desert island. And he'd sing his stupid new music. The old music was great. Yeah, yeah. Like, nobody wants to hear your new album.

No, yeah. Just do Hey Jude again. Yeah, just at least anything, anything but the new stuff. The new stuff. And he's not cool, but he tries to be. He hasn't aged well. I mean, this is just ages now. I find him suspicious. I don't trust him.

Are you referring to... Now, there's an urban legend that he died and he got replaced. Yeah, I have heard that, which I'm quite obsessed with. Okay, yeah. I don't know if I believe that, because I don't think he's interesting enough to pull it off right then again

if he was dead it wouldn't be him would it it'd be somebody else pulling it off yeah you're right I will take everything back if we eventually discover that the person who we think is Paul McCartney is not Paul McCartney then I will retract all of my statements about him and I'll say whoever was pretending to be Paul McCartney is not Paul McCartney. And then it's all... Then I will retract all of my statements about him

and I'll say whoever was pretending to be Paul McCartney is the dick that I don't want to spend time with. Not that I have the choice to spend time with him. At some point, yeah. I mean... I'm into conspiracy theories, though, so I do quite like the idea that he is... I love it.

I think I lost a day to that where I was trying to research. But there's no logic to it at all. No, no. It's just based on the Abbey Road album cover because he's got no shoes on. Yeah, he's got no shoes on. And then I can't remember

the exact facts here, but I think in the background the Beatle has got a license plate on it. The letters could read out to be like Paul McCartney is dead or something like that. Do you think they'd be that obvious about it? If they were like, let's do a big cover- like that Do you think they'd be that obvious about it? Let's do a big cover up, do you think they'd be like

but, just this one thing just to see if anyone figures it out I heard that like if you if you play I think I've made this up shall we they've heard that one of their songs plays backwards or something and I think like I am the walrus or something was supposed to be

about him being dead so someone that i had on this podcast before uh brian his name is brian murphy and he he has this theory and i think this applies to paul mccartney so much it's um there should be like a like there's a night czar there should be a music czar right and the music czar controls how much music you can put out and bands get either 10 years or 5 albums and that's it and that's when they're cut off and you say thanks very much for your contribution, please stop

yeah, because no one's getting better after that amount of time or that many albums right? Yeah and I think after a certain amount of popularity, because the Beatles are one of the best bands in UK history, probably in the world. Yeah.

Amazing, good music. But I think if you're that popular as a band, you should have to sign something that says that you will never go solo. Yes, okay. Because it will never be as good. No, yeah. And you'll embarrass yourself. I don't...

Yeah, has anyone ever gone solo and it been better? I can't think. No. No, I don't think so. I don't know why I automatically thought of Robbie Williams. Yeah, I was just thinking of Robbie Williams. I was like, no, he ruined everything by doing that. The guys in Steps have never succeeded.

No. Any of the Spice Girls. No, never going to happen, was it? Victoria Beckham has a quite successful fashion line, but it doesn't require her to dance, sing or really talk. So that helps. Someone was saying that when the Spice Girls last did a reunion, everyone came out and did their own songs to give everyone else a rest

and everyone was like, yeah, yeah. These old women just have a sit down. When Victoria came out, she just did a catwalk to music. No, she didn't. She didn't even do anything. She didn't even lip sync. She didn't try. She didn't even do that Dane Bower song. Oh, God.

I know, yeah. She didn't even concede for a minute that she... Could do any of it. Oh, that's so funny. Anyway, yeah. What didn't even concede for a minute that she... Could do any of it. Oh, that's so funny. Anyway, yeah. What did he do? Okay, Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney.

I just can't. He'd be horrible. He'd be wearing budgie smugglers. Oh, no. I bet he's never got pants on. He's always got budgie smugglers on. That's my conspiracy theory about Paul McCartney. Oh, my God.

And he's always ready to sunbathe. You imagine he's really comfortable just to walk around in those budgie sluggers. Yeah, he's so confident and smug. Oh, God. And he'll be the first one just lying on the desert island and we'll be like,

Paul, you need to help us figure out how to get out of here. Okay, yeah. And he'll just hum a stupid song. Yeah. And lie down. Yeah. And he'll just hum a stupid song. Yeah. And lie down. Yeah. And it'll just be gross. It'll just be so gross.

I just, it makes me angry thinking about it. Yeah. Okay, Paul McCartney's going to be your first choice. Paul McCartney's my first choice. Who's going to be

your second choice? My second choice is a recent frustration. Okay. Because I did, I used to like him. Yeah. And now he's upset me.

Okay. It's Kanye West. Kanye West. Yeah, Kanye West. I mean, dare I ask, why Kanye West? I've got a conspiracy theory about Kanye West. Oh, I love it. I love it.

Go on. There's a big theme to what's happening with me. I have a theory that Kanye West has either died or retired and the man that we believe to be Kanye West is actually just all three of his children stood on top of each other wearing a big coat

that's great because he's been acting so strangely recently that it's not him it makes no sense yeah only a child would say that it's not him. It makes no sense. Yeah. Only a child would say slavery is a choice and then sort of maybe turn around and go, hold on a minute, do I mean this?

Were those specifically the words I wanted to say? Yeah. And he's changed his name to Ye. That's the act of a three-year-old, isn't it? You're too deep. You've gone too far. I think it's honestly, I'm hoping that after this goes out, there's going to be a lot of Reddit investigations

about whether or not Kanye West is all three of his children stood on top of each other. I mean, I might clip this and put this on there. Please do it. Just to start that. I don't know what order they're in, because I don't know the ages of the kids. I know that there's three of them.

And I know that it's like. North is first, right? Yeah. Chicago's the most recent, I think. Okay. And Saint. Oh, right. Wow.

Well done. Yeah. Because this is not the first time that I've thought about this. Okay. I think about it regularly. But I think Chicago might be a baby, so I suppose Chicago would have to be the top one. You can't stand on the shoulders of a baby.

So the baby's decided to change his name to Ye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's because of all it can say. Yes, that was the first sort of noise it could make. And so to cover it all up, they were like like let's just bare minimum we need to be able to say our name so let's just change the name to yay and the thing with the did you see the thing where he went to a wedding and he was wearing

slippers and they weren't the right size so they were too small for him and then he came back and he was like actually this is what how traditional slippers are worn or something like that but his feet were like hanging off the edge and i was like it's just this is how traditional slippers are worn, or something like that, but his feet were hanging off the edge. And I was like, it's just the act of a child. Were they hanging off the edge at the front or the back? Back. At the back, okay. Yeah, they were like those cushiony slip-on ones.

Yeah, right. But his heel was about an inch too long. And instead of being like, yeah, to be fair, I've put on the wrong slippers there. I mean, why are you wearing slippers to a wedding anyway? Yeah, that's a bit... And I just, what would frustrate me about being on a desert island with Kanye West slash all of Kanye West's children

is that I don't think he'd ever admit he was wrong. Right, OK, yeah. Because he never seems to, he says things and doesn't really back down. Yeah, you don't really need that character. No. And then he'd make music with Paul McCartney. They did, didn't they? Yeah.

And it... It's awful. Yeah, and I feel like they'd do it again and... Do you know what? Actually, like, that song is like, you know, it could, it's not good, right? But it could be worse. But it's the kind of song that two or three people,

possibly more, have gone in a room and just been like, we'll settle on this. Do you know what I mean? No one's putting them out most. And also the whole room is too afraid to tell anyone else in the room that that song's shit. Because it's that four or five seconds one, isn't it? That's it, yeah.

It sounds like they've gone in and sort of just scattered it out and hoped for the best. Yeah. And recorded it in one take and gone, yeah, that's fine. It's just fine, isn't it? Because it's just... Yeah, that's it, yeah. And it's just, it's bad.

And I like to watch the music video because Rihanna is amazing. Yeah. Kanye is not a bad looking man. the music video because Rihanna is amazing yeah Kanye is not a bad looking man like as much as he irritates me he's cool he looks cool

yeah yeah but Paul McCartney in between them looks like a man who's wandered off a boss yeah

found his way into the middle of something he wasn't supposed to be in and he looks so out of place. He's just lost, isn't he? Yeah. He looks like he's been looking for his cat

and he's wandered into this music video shoot and he needs someone to just take him by the elbow and just escort him out he's like he pretty much he's just done the video i don't i can't remember hearing him on the actual song is he on the song well he doesn't look like he's singing in the song either and like you can't really hear him i don't think it looks like he's just strumming his guitar maybe he's like really low in the mix yeah the person that was mixing it was just like Turned him right down Yeah

But I can't even imagine what he would contribute Because I was kind of expecting him to Maybe just have like a bridge or Just like a Yeah just a little like But there's not really anything Paul McCartney's scat breakdown Yeah

Like a He raps Halfway through He raps That would be excellent McCartney sings Yeah Shaking things up But he doesn't He just sort of strums his guitar He raps halfway through. He raps. That would be excellent. He can't do his things. Yeah.

Shaking things up. But he doesn't. He just sort of strums his guitar, looks a bit lost. And I think there's a bit of that song that I think is quite offensive as well. Is there? Yeah, there's a word that I won't say that I think definitely in this country is not particularly politically correct. They would certainly bleep it out on the radio for sure. Would they? Is that a bad word? Yeah.

Okay. Wow. Showing off his edgy side. Yeah. Showing off that he's still relevant. Yeah. But maybe it's the combination of Kanye just having no real perspective on the world

and Paul McCartney thinking, well, we used to say that word all the time when I was young. Oh, my God. So maybe they just wrote it together and they were like, yeah, people still say that. It's fine. Yeah. Go and listen to the song if you don't know what I'm talking about

and write in and tell us whether you agree. I don't know why I said that. Yeah, OK, write in and tell us, yeah. Whether or not I'm right, because people might be like, no, that's fine. But I don't think it is. No, I don't think so, if I know what you're talking about. OK, so Kanye West and or a stack of children as your second choice.

Yeah. Anything more on Kanye West? I don't know what else to say about him. No, okay. I think he's just disappointed a lot of people recently. And I feel sorry for the people who are fans of his because he's sort of sided with that prat in the White House. Yeah.

And he's retracted that now, actually. He has gone back on. It's all just like, it seems like he doesn't really consider what he's about to do. Yeah. So, like, he'll just jump into things and then be like, shit, I didn't actually mean that. And you don't need him on the desert island, do you? You don't need someone jumping into things like that.

No, you need somebody to think about what is going to happen. And I just feel like between the two of them it would be, I'd have to take responsibility for everything. My favourite moment was when he had 0000 as his iPhone password. Oh yeah, that's good. That is really good. I just thought at that point

I would believe if he turned out to be like a character act. Yeah. That would be the moment where where i start to get suspicious about whether or not he is just taking i love that zero zero zero just the idea that like he just obviously just he did yeah there's no logic he's got so much going on that he just can't even remember like a four digit four digit password, even if it's his birthday. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? But it's like, he's just like, I don't need to, why have a password? Just have no password. If you're going to go with 00... It's true. He drives me mad. Yeah.

Kanye West, okay. I think that's the thing, is that I'd be on the island just every day thinking, you know, you can't be as frustrating as you were yesterday. Yeah, that's it. And then he'd be like, oh, I've found a bunch of bananas,

but I accidentally threw them in the sea. Just to see. Yeah, just to see, because it was creative. I renamed them and threw them out to sea. I will caveat this by saying he does make, like... It's really annoying because he makes some amazing music. He does, but he should just stick to doing that. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Kanye West is going to be your second choice and who's going to be your third choice? I've hated this man for a long time. OK. I can't... If anybody asks me who I find... Who I hate the most in the world, this name has... He's always the one I go back to.

Yeah. I can't tell you how much he infuriates me. That's great. His name is Tim Westwood. Tim Westwood, the big dog, a.k.a. the big dog. It's making me angry. I hate him. Is it making you angry that I said that? dog. It's making me angry. I hate him. Is it making you angry that I said that?

Yeah. It's so cringeworthy, isn't it? Yeah, because he's a fully grown man. He's probably not that much younger than Paul McCartney. No, you're right. I think he's 60. He was 61. Yeah, so he's so much older than the way he behaves

and so much whiter than the way he behaves. And it's just, it never works. No, yeah. Because I used to like watching Pimp My Ride. Yeah. But the US version with Exhibit, who was great. It was great. He was cool.

He's cool. It's genuine. Yeah. You could imagine that he would know something about pimping a ride. And then the UK version looked at it and went, who is our equivalent of the rapper exhibit? And they came up with it. They looked at everyone in the world, in the UK,

and they thought, Tim will do it. Tim's good for this. Tim's the man. This shriveled... Oh, man. I know. I hate him. I hate him because he's not cool and he talks like a teenager. Yeah. And I just, I can't bear it. Oh, he dresses like a 14-year-old kid in Nando's. It drives me mad.

It's horrible. And I just, if I see him, I switch it off. I change the bear it. Oh, he dresses like a 14-year-old kid in Nando's. It drives me mad. It's horrible. And I just, if I see him, I switch it off. I change the radio station. Yeah. Because he's just, yeah, yo! And I'm like, just, just. And I bet he gets home and the door closes and he goes, oh, hello, darling, I'm back.

Yeah, he does. And he just turns back into a 60-year-old British man again. He has an electric blanket. Yeah, an electric blanket and a tartan quilt. And he's having a drink of wine and he's going, oh, that's delicious. And he's, I just, I'm sorry. He's the worst man in the world. No, yeah.

Did you see that he accidentally did the, he accidentally did like a public Snapchat that was meant to be a private Snapchat. Did you see this? No, I didn't see it. So he did a public Snapchat of his bank card, right? And it was meant to be private to his girlfriend or his partner or someone, a lady friend that he was seeing that weekend.

It was supposed to be private to a relative who happens to be a prince who is abroad and stuck and just needs help yeah he did it and then on it he so it was his bank card and um and on it he'd written on the snapchat um can't wait to see you this weekend baby here's my card details if you want to go get your hair your nails done have a wax a wax. Honestly. Oh, my God. I hate him even more now. I couldn't believe it. So he was basically just like, here's some money.

Go get yourself ready. Because I'm going to 60-year-old man all over you. Please don't say it. It makes me feel so sick. Honestly, it's unbelievable. The only way that's fair is if he's also getting a wax. Oh, God, he's such a... Oh, my God.

Imagine if I sent that to my girlfriend. If I went, hey, babe, I've just transferred you some money or here's my bank details. I'm seeing you later. Go get yourself sorted out. Oh, yeah. The text I get back would be, oh, just so you know, just quick update. You're now single.

Yeah. Please. Oh, yeah. Don't speak to me again. Oh, if I did that, it'd be like, please don't come home. It would just say, never come home and they're no longer your children. Yeah, they're not your kids anymore. Oh, I'm afraid you just lost custody of your children.

Okay, but what's beautiful about it is he did it publicly. Like, everyone had his car details, and I don't know what happened, but I'd love to think that people sent him some amazing things or bought themselves a brand new massive TV on his car. Yeah, or just everyone went for a wax. Yeah, everyone went for a group wax. What I'd like is if every woman in the UK went for a wax,

charged it to his car, and then none of them had sex with him. That'd be that good. Yeah. That'd be so good. Oh, God, he's an idiot. He's the one who would make me snap on a desert island. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you've set a desert island. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you've set yourself up. This is bad. Yeah. Yeah. Westwood. Okay. Westwood, West and McCartney.

Okay. Anything else on Tim Westwood? No. I did try to think of some women that would be worse than those men. Okay. But it turns out I hate men. Yeah. To nobody's surprise. Okay. But it turns out I hate men. To nobody's surprise.

Okay. Well, that's fine. I think that's absolutely fine. It would just be, yeah. I mean, I think you've done well. Thanks. Don't worry about it. It's great.

I'm very wound up now. Okay. Well, thank you very much, Sarah. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com.

Sarah, now, mercifully, among the wreckage of of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so my least favorite food food first okay food first another controversial one because because it is currently beloved by many, many people. Oh, yeah. I hate avocado. Avocado? I hate it. Do you?

I hate it, mostly because I'm allergic to it. Ah, well, that's a good reason. Yeah, I'm allergic to avocado, but also I don't like the taste. Okay. Even if I wasn't allergic to it, I don't like the way it tastes. I think it's slimy and rubbery. And what makes me most upset is how it's everywhere. It is at the minute, isn't it?

I can't go to Pret a Manger. I can't go to a Mexican restaurant because they've got avocado in it. I can't have sushi because they just pop a little bit of avocado in it. Oh, they do. Yeah, just because vegetarian sushi, I'm a vegetarian. Vegetarian sushi is avocado in rice. Yes. And I love sushi and I feel very left out.

And I just, it just, that would be my worst case scenario. If it was just avocados as far as the eye can see are you completely vegetarian you don't dabble in any fish sometimes so that yeah okay um and the thought of tim westwood eating an avocado whilst i can't oh my god just shoveling avocado into his face yeah he'd probably eat the stone because he's an idiot. Avocado. I mean, I think it is all right, but you have to do things to it. You have to, like, put salt, pepper, Tabasco, some kind of, like, chilli or something.

Because on its own, it doesn't have a lot going for it. Do you know what I mean? Why do people... I can't... Can you shed any light on why people like it? It's supposed to be healthy. Like, at home, I'm going to be completely honest, I'm eating a lot of toast, right? I'm just eating a lot of toast.

It's really easy. I moan about having two kids loads, and I have two kids, so I'm just like, I just want to do something quick. And it's fairly quick, and you can do it on toast. Just mash up an avocado. Put it on toast, bit of salt, bit of pepper, and it's all right.

But I really like salad-y stuff like that. I'm sad. It's sad, isn't it? No, it's not sad. I respect it. I like salad as much as the next person. But I just don't get why it's the... It's just in now, isn't it? I don't know why it's in.

Yeah, you're right. Why is it in? I feel like, has it been around forever? Because I don't remember them being out as a kid. Because the reason that I, well, not the reason I'm allergic, but one of the biggest reasons why I hate avocados so much is because I have an older brother, and he has been a vegetarian since he was a baby.

My mum would try and give him bits of meat, and he'd just spit it out. And the one thing she found that he would eat was avocados, so she would just mash it up and give it to him as a baby. Oh, my. And so she used to call him the avocado baby. Second baby, little old Sarah came along. She was like, baby's like avocado.

Then she just filled me with avocado. And then I kept being sick. And she'd be like, I can't figure out why my baby is sick. And then eventually, but she was like, but, you know, the baby's sick, but she was like but you know the baby's sick but she does like some avocado so just kept giving me avocado and that'd be sick and so eventually someone was like maybe stop giving the baby avocado if she's sick every time and then my mum was like oh that's a good that's a very strong point so you're from from Nottingham, right? Yeah, I am. So where was your mum getting avocados from in Nottingham? Like, how many years ago?

She's very clever. Oh, that's good, yeah. She just must have, I don't know, maybe she had a dealer. Have you tried it since then? Yeah, yeah. You have? I have. And you just get ill?

It just makes, yeah. Yeah, it just makes me sick. Does it? It's not good, yeah. I mean, okay, look, I can't defend it that much more because you're not really missing out. No. Do you know what I mean?

It's just in your face all the time at the minute. That's the thing. I just feel very frustrated because I like salads and I like sandwiches and wraps and all these different things that lots of places have to offer, but they're all getting on the avocado hype. And as a vegetarian, you don't want more things off your list. No.

Do you know what I mean? I'm so... If I'm going to work and they say, what do you eat? I have to say the most awkward... I'm a vegetarian, isn't it? You eat an avocado. It's the worst.

Yeah, that is. Because that's all vegetarians eat, apparently. Okay. Very upsetting. All right, avocado's going to be a food choice, and what's going to be a drink choice? This one is tricky. Okay.

I was thinking about it earlier, and there aren't many... I was trying to think of a drink that I would leave. Right. What, if someone offered it to you, you'd just be like... If someone was like, oh, do you want some of this? And I went, oh, no, I don't like that't like that oh yeah but there was one occasion that i'll tell you about where i bought a health drink

okay from m&s all right and it had watermelon yeah and aloe vera right Right. Yeah. And I can't for the life... It's when I was working in an office. And you know when you work in an office, you just have to do it. You have to do anything you can to break up that routine. Oh, yeah, big time. So obviously at some point it was like, I'm going for this watermelon and aloe vera, avocado,

aloe vera drink. And it's honestly one of the worst experiences I've ever had. Really? Was it that bad? It's just, aloe vera, I am a purist when it comes to flavour, which is why I also don't like elderflower very much, because I don't think that floral things should be flavours. Okay, yeah, all right. And aloe vera is definitely on my list of things

that shouldn't be tasteable. I agree with you, I think, yeah. It's like, you know, palmer violets? Oh, no. It doesn't taste like that. But palmer violet sweets taste like violet. Yeah. What's that?

Well, like things that are like rose flavour. Yeah. Water or whatever. I fundamentally disagree with it. It's like drinking in Nan's house. Yes. Yeah, it is. It's like my gran used to have little smelly pouch things

that she'd put in her clothes drawers. Nice. To make her clothes drawers smell nice because she was an elderly woman and that's the sort of thing that elderly women do yeah and it yeah it was like somebody said this would be a lovely drink a bottle that yeah and i i left it i didn't drink it isn't aloe vera drink aren't they a bit like gooey like not gooey, but like lumpy in some way? It wasn't lumpy, but they'd obviously... Done something to it, yeah, blended it away. Yeah, but it wasn't...

Well, your face tells a story. It was horrible, yeah. Yeah, you can't really... I can't explain enough how unpleasant it was. And that was a tricky question because it turns out I will drink most things. Okay, so watermelon aloe vera drink is going to be your drink choice.

That would be the worst possible scenario if for some reason that was the only thing available to drink. It's like very specific. It's really, it is. Yeah, it's not the most relatable of gripes, but it is the one I am offering. That is it, okay. Okay, Watermelon and Aloe Vera

and we'll hear more from Sarah after this. Sarah, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite song.

What are they and why? My least favourite film. I don't know whether this is on my mind because of the time of year. All right. But there is one film that when I was thinking about this that really recurred in my thought process and I'm slightly concerned that it's going to upset people. Right.

Because the film that frustrates me, and also I think it's similar with The Avocado in the sense that it's hyped massively, especially this time of year. Right. It's Elf. Elf? Elf.

Right, okay. I can't. Dof. Elf? Elf. Right, okay. I can't. Do you like Elf? No, I don't. I mean, like, no. No? No, no. I mean, it's very like, you know, there's not a lot going on.

It's very juvenile. Yeah. And I don't massively dislike Will Ferrell. I think he's funny in Anchorman. But the premise is just like this man's stupid. Yeah, yeah. And he's acting like a child. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I think it's offensive to... If I were an elf watching that, which is stupid, but he... I don't know, which is stupid, but he... I don't know, why is he so... Misrepresentation of elves. All the other elves in it are... He's supposed to be a fully grown adult. He's lived with the elves. I can't remember the premise,

but I think he's been brought up with the elves. All of the other elves are quite sensible. They're not like that. Yeah, but he, for some reason, is just a complete idiot. Yeah. And also, if he worked at the North Pole, there's a bit where he loses his mind because he sees Santa. Right, yeah.

So you live in the North Pole, he's your boss. He just freaks out on the street. You see him all the time. Yeah, and I just... I mean, if anything, surely you want to avoid your boss. And I think, I could be wrong, but I think there's like a romantic interest in the film. Oh, right.

Who plays the romantic interest in that film? She's in something else as well. But it upsets me because I'm like, you can't play a stupid child elf and also woo an attractive woman at the same time. And what's going on with that woman that she's like, this is the man for me? He's constantly dressed as an elf.

Yeah. And he acts... Like a child. He acts like a toddler. That's so weird, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think, like, this time of year, people just, like, have little things that they hang on to.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, Christmassy things that are just, like... Like, Love Actually has come up a lot. I almost thought you were going to say that then. No. I do actually like Love Actually. Do you?

Oh, really? Yeah, all right. I like the music in it. That's all right. I mean, it's fine. It's your choice. But it? Oh, really? Yeah, alright. I like the music in it. That's alright. I mean, it's fine. It's your choice, but it's like, yeah, Elf. I don't know if anyone's ever said Elf on this before. Oh, God. It's really controversial

and when I say it, my girlfriend texted me the other day and she was like, I've never seen Elf. Shall I watch it or shall I wait and watch it with you? And I went, go on without me because I think it's awful. And then she didn't watch it because she was like, if you say it's awful I'll leave you. with you? And I went, go on without me, because I think it's awful. And then she didn't watch it, because she was like, if you say it's awful, I believe you.

And then I thought, well, actually, because lots of people like it. Have I just robbed her of an experience that she might enjoy? But I don't feel that bad, because it is crap. Well, almost what you're saying, though, is like, you know, go away and watch it, but if you enjoy it, I'm going to think a bit less of it. Yeah, I'll question whether or not we should be together. It's a gauntlet, I'll admit.

Oh, Zooey Deschanel plays the love interest in that. Wow. Hey, hang on. Why Zooey Deschanel? In what world, with a woman a woman as intelligent and beautiful as Zooey Deschanel,

why would she be hanging around with a man-child? Yeah, or just at least even be interested in a man-child. I know it's not supposed to be believable, but I find it's too far. It's just too much. Offensive to elves, elf. It's offensive to elves. It's just too much. Offensive to elves. Elf. It's offensive to elves.

It's offensive to Zooey Deschanel. It's a misrepresentation of what Christmas is about. And I hate it when people say that it's the best Christmas film. It's Saturday night, right? And you're at home with your girlfriend. There's nothing on. And she's flicking through. This is in the best Christmas film. It's Saturday night, right? And you're at home with your girlfriend. There's nothing on. And she's flicking through. This is in the next few weeks.

And Elf is going to be on. It's going to be on in five minutes' time. You've got enough time to just make a tea. Yeah. And she's like, come on, let's do it. What are you going to do? I'll go to bed. Just go to bed.

I'll go to bed. You're on your own. I will. Yeah. Okay, film choice is going to be Elf when I go to bed it's passive aggressive and it's

no I'm putting my foot down it's no I'm not dealing with this and Elf I don't I don't do it very often

but Elf would push me over the edge would it and I'd go to bed in protest that's such a domestic way of showing your disdain for something isn't it

isn't it yeah I'm going to bed yeah and she's like it's 6.15 and I'm just like no I'm going to bed

yeah it's kind of angry but going to bed early is a treat as well it is so nice yeah so I win both rounds you win

yeah and they like have to feel obliged not to go to bed straight away as well so you get it on your own for a little bit yeah

yeah it's lovely you've got at least two hours to yourself. I mean, even longer if it's on, like, my TV. And I'm having a nice time because I've gone to bed early and she's watching Elf, which I already know is terrible. You're like, sucker. Yeah. All right, film choice is going to be Elf,

and what's going to be your song choice? This, this is... If my... This is a tricky one because i know exactly what it is but it's also controversial it's christina perry's a thousand years a thousand years you know it i'll sing a little bit of it because Yeah, go on. Because you will know it. The one that's like... Right, yeah, I know it. I have died every... That one. I have died every day waiting for you.

And it's just pathetic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. It's just... And people play it at weddings and things. Oh, God. I think if you're... I'd rather literally die every day than, one, hear that song

and, two, feel that way about a person. Like... Yeah. I just... It just drives... Sometimes, I feel like I've mentioned my girlfriend a lot, sometimes we joke about having a spoof wedding. Nice.

Where we have, like, two sides for the bride and the groom and we make everyone sit in the bride's... Like, we say, like, who are you here for? And they'll say the bride and then you force them all into one side and it's in a church. And I think, like like what would happen is Catherine would walk down the aisle

to Christina Perry's A Thousand Years. But then I'd obviously have to have a turn and we'd do it for the whole song, just the two of us. But the only time I would ever consider listening to it is when I'm doing a spoof. Right. Piss take of a real wedding. Okay, right.

Because I think it's that much of an outrageous song. Like, when are you being subjected to this song? Just like if it comes on the radio or...? It's used a lot in like wedding videos. Right, yeah, yeah. And it's all like, sometimes you'll just get a video that's gone viral and it'll be a soppy thing and it's... Yeah, and it's on there.

Yeah, I've loved you for a thousand years. When you say it, it makes me feel a bit sick. It's like you haven't, mate. You're probably 30. Yeah, if that. And you've probably met them five years ago. Yeah. And I just, there's a real culture of exaggerating in music.

And that one is the worst one. I mean, I know she can sing, I suppose, but I just think people need to... She just needs to lighten up a little bit. And nobody's going to hear that song. If somebody wrote that song about you, you wouldn't be like, oh, that seems like a stable, viable choice for a life partner.

Somebody that said that they were dying every day waiting to meet you. You'd be like, oh, well, that's not something that a rational person says. No pressure then. And I'm going to back out of the room slowly and then run to my car. Yeah, exactly.

Because why on earth would you... Why would you say that to a person? Christina Perri, is that who said it was? Yeah, I think so. What are her other hits? She did... The one I know that maybe made an effect,

there's one, the Jar of Hearts one. Is that her as well? I think so. I might have completely got this one. Because I was going to say,

there's like, I think that was a sort of trend of beigeness around the time. Yeah. Along with that other song.

Jar of Hearts. Oh my God. Is he going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul? And it's like, just, Christina, just for a minute, just before you write another song, put the kettle on. And try and maybe just think about some positive things that you could, oh dear. Yeah, or just think about like articulating what you mean in oh, damn. Yeah.

Or just think about articulating what you mean in a different way. Yeah. Just like, I mean, just tell us the point. Tell us the point that you mean and we'll maybe help you come up with a different way of saying it. Yeah. And if you love someone, buy them a drink. Don't say all these intense things. Just calm down. I find it beyond sappy.

The worrying thing is when she writes this song and then records it and then plays it to the person that it's meant for, sat in a room where she's painted pictures of their face and had them photoshopped on cushions. They're tied to a chair. And they're tied to a chair. When they turn her down, she's going to have to write another song about it.

Do you know what I mean? And she's locked them into a really awful situation where they can either accept the first song or run the gauntlet of a follow up song of a song and neither are ideal choices and then Jar of Hearts comes out

right, okay Christina Perri A Jar of Hearts, like when you actually picture that as well that's Frankenstein realistically, how big's a jar gonna be? first off, if it's a normal sized jar if it's like a jam actually picture that as well. It's disgusting. That's Frankenstein. Well, realistically, how big is a jar going to be? First off, if it's a normal-sized jar... What, like if it's like a jam jar, it's one heart, isn't it?

You're getting one heart if you're lucky. Yeah. And you'd really have to push. Maybe one and a half. Yeah, one and a half. Maybe if you've gone for like one of the jars of sweets that you get in a sweet shop. Yeah.

Five, seven, maybe? There's something quite morbid about that as well, isn't it? No, yeah. Yeah, and if you've got a really, really big jar... Where the fuck are you getting it from? Where are you getting it from? Yeah. How?

IKEA. Yeah, you've gone to IKEA specifically for a big jar so you can keep all your hearts in it. You've walked all the way round, unless you've gone straight to the market bit where you know where it is. And it's not really an issue

of romantically hurting people. I'd say that's murder. It is, yeah. I'd say it's gone really an issue of romantically hurting people. I'd say that's murder. It is, yeah. I'd say it's gone up a notch there. And if you're physically putting people's hearts into a jar, we should call the police. Yeah, I think you're right. Christina Perri, Thousand Years is going to be your song choice.

And finally, Sarah... Oh, just sorry, one more thing. Go on, yeah. If I'm on a desert island with Kanye West, Paul McCartney, Tim Westwood, eating avocados and drinking watermelon and aloe vera juice, the thought of a song about waiting for a thousand years... Oh, my God, that's awful.

..would tip me over the edge. Yeah, that's awful, isn't it? Yeah. That's terrible. Watching Elf. Oh, my... Yeah, that is bad. I mean, you're hoping that avocado allergy steps up double time. Yeah, you would.

That's what I'd run straight to the avocado. Yeah. Bathing in it, just like, take me now. Pop my heart in a jar. Yeah, that's it, yeah. Bathing in it, just like, take me now. Pop my heart in a jar. Yeah, that's it, yeah. And send it off into the water. Sarah, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

The biggest dick of all the animals? Yeah. There's an insect. Oh, yeah. I can't I don't know what it's called right

but I've seen it on a I've seen it on a Richard on a on an Attenborough documentary

wait which which brother David Attenborough I was thinking of Richard Attenborough that's his brother it was Jurassic Park yeah

unless it was God rest his soul not religious don't know why I said that but there's his brother. It was a Jurassic Park. Yeah. Unless it was. God rest his soul. Not religious, don't know why I said that. But there's an insect that is on a David Attenborough documentary. I think it's about Africa. Oh, yeah. Or it might be about desert.

Okay. It's about something. And it specifically climbs up trees into birds' nests and eats unborn chicks. Oh, what? Now, that's dickish behaviour. That is dickish behaviour, isn't it? What a dick. Such a dick.

They're so helpless. Yeah, and the way that they shoot it on this David Attenborough documentary that I can't remember the name of. It is really dramatic. You know how, did you see Planet Earth with the snakes and the lizards? Yes. And the people, they chase them. It's a bit like that.

Oh, yeah. But it's that sort of horror movie style. With the theme tune, like with the soundtrack music. Yeah, and it's all slow motion. And you see this horrible looking thing and it gets all the, it like turns up all the noise of the oh yeah it's horrible you can see the little innocent egg and then all of a sudden

the mom bird swoops in and they have a fight and you just think just go and find yourself something else to eat mate just why now or just take on a living one yeah i mean one that's like not living one that's like why go for a baby yeah it's just you know at least pick on someone your own size is what i'd say dickish and if you're like you're in what kind of insect eats meat yeah i don't know that's that's the big question one that's a fucking dick a dick a dick sect that's what it is it's called that's officially what it's called it's the dick set the dick sect and it's the biggest dick of all the animals okay i was gonna ask whether insects aren't animals but animal is the umbrella term for anything that's alive right yeah well just

whatever and i mean like yeah it can be from the animal kingdom. Insects are animals, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. I'm not usually this stupid. You can have creatures. Yes. Yeah. Mini beasts.

Mini beasts. You can have mini beasts. My nursery teacher mother would say. Dicksect is your mini beast. The dicksect, yeah. Okay. I've got to find out what that's called. I really, really like the term mini beasts.

Mini beasts is great, isn't it? It's great. Yeah, because my mum was a nursery teacher, and so they'd have an annual, because they'd have different topics, and they'd do a topic on mini beasts. So she'd have to make a mini beasts, like, wall display. As a nursery teacher,

you would have thought she would have picked up on the avocado thing a bit sooner. Do you know what I mean? No, I'm only joking. You didn't say she was a good nursery teacher. I'm only joking. She was an excellent nursery teacher. Terrible mother.

No, she was great. Love you, Mum. Please don't listen to this. Mini beasts. I love mini beasts. Mini beasts. Mini beasts. Okay, thank you, Sarah's mum.

Sarah Keyworth, thank you so much for coming in. Thanks for having me. It's been very cathartic, actually. Oh, I'm glad. And you can go on to your gig tonight and just feel at ease. Yeah, I've gotten all that hate out. Yeah, maybe you need to add some grit. Yeah, maybe I did.

Go to M&S and buy a watermelon aloe vera drink. And an avocado and just throw it at a bus or something. Yeah, exactly. Sarah, if people want to find you, where can they find you? They can go on social media. And I'm on the old Twitter. I don't want any tweets about Elf.

Don't at me. I stand by what I said. And I have a website. www.sarahkewitt.co.uk And if you want to come see a website, www.sarahkeyworth.co.uk. And if you want to come see a show, I'm doing my award-nominated debut show at the Soho Theatre at the end of January. Oh, great.

And people can get tickets from your website now? Yeah, my website or the Soho Theatre website. It's all on sale. Please come because it will be so embarrassing if I'm there on my own. Yeah. Yeah. That would be great. Yeah, just me, Paul McCartney, Kanye West, Tim Westwood.

It wouldn't be great if you're on your own. That's not what I meant. Yeah. I meant it would be great. It would be great if people came along. Exactly, yeah. Please do. Yes.

Well, thank you so much, Sarah. Thanks for having me. Thanks.