Desert Island Dicks - SCUMMY MUMMIES

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Ellie Gibson & Helen Thorn AKA Scummy Mummies join me to share who and what they'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month.

New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. See details. This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens,

power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at united.com. Hi, it's James. I hope everyone is doing well.

I'm just dropping in to tell you that I have a couple of Desert Island Dicks live shows coming up. One very soon, actually, on Saturday the 23rd of November at the Podcast Social Club in Thirsk with very special guest Tony Jameson. I also have a show coming up at the Comedia in Brighton on Wednesday, the 4th of December, where my guests will be BBC New Comedy Award finalist and Brighton resident, William Stone. All links to tickets can be found if you head over to at Dick's Pod on Twitter. And now, enjoy the podcast.

Thank you. Bye. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Ellie and Helen, aka The Scummy Mummies. Hello. dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Ellie and Helen, a.k.a. The Scummy Mummies. Hello. Hello.

Hello to you. So we're having a nice chat and then there's a very formal bit which I kind of think sometimes puts a fence in the middle. No, it doesn't. No, I like it. I like formality. Oh, good. We're in Britain, James.

Yes. I've realised that you have to be more formal as an Australian and Ellie is my guide. Yes. We're very honoured to be on your podcast because not only, you know, do we have a lot of people

who we think are dicks, but we're also dicks. So I feel like it's a good fit. Oh, welcome. Yeah, yeah. And one of our catchphrases is kick it in the dick. I mean,

we're very dick focused. Oh, you're very much about to kick it right in the dick, I think. Not yours, hopefully. No, I'd love it if you didn't.

I think we're getting on far so far. Okay. The hand man's'll see how we go. I'd love it if you didn't. I think we're getting on far so far. Okay. The handman's tale. There we go. I've sort of set you a challenge to, between you, come up with some choices. How did you find doing that? It wasn't hard because we spend basically every waking minute with each other at the moment.

We're writing a show. We're performing a show. We're whoring ourselves on Instagram at every, every opportunity, James. So yeah, we get to talk about people we hate

quite a lot. It's quite a bonding thing. Do you remember, because in our hugely successful five-star live comedy show, we... I hate it when you mention it, Ellie.

I'm so embarrassed. Don't tell them we sold out Edinburgh. Yeah, no. Hilarious hilarious The Guardian close brackets we do like parody songs right because we're lazy

and like so sometimes we just start singing songs to each other would you remember once we started singing Belinda Carlyle we hate the same things we hate the same things

whoa it didn't make it into the show but I feel like I'm glad I saved it up for this podcast. Oh, no, yeah. That's exclusive. I mean, I get that gold, right? Thank you very much. Yeah.

And if that's not a reason to go see the show, I don't know what would be. Sorry, Belinda Carline. There's another reason. Very reasonably priced. And they usually have a Prosecco bar. So, I mean, it's everything everyone wants. Okay.

Can we go now? Yeah, sweet. Okay, that's that done. Very short, but excellent podcast. Thank you. Bye. I'll leave in all the stuff from before. So let's dive in.

Who's going to be your first choice? Oh, should we just go for the big kahuna? Go on, mate. Kirsty Allsop. Oh, what a dick. Okay. What a dick. So what's Kirsty done?

What hasn't she done? What's she done now? Well, I mean, come on. Do we really have to do it? First of all, she guilds pears. What's that about? Does she really expect normal people to... Have you not seen that clip where she...

She's famous for silly little craft shows. I know, yeah. And it's like, you know, we've all got fucking four days to prepare a full table arrangement. And yeah, she gilded. Get a pair and cover it in gold leaf because you've obviously got nothing better to do with your life

because like me, you've never done a proper fucking job. So I can't stand that. Oh, just go lightly, Ellie. Go lightly. No, it's Desert Island Dicks. It's not Desert Island. I'm not sure about that. Copsy cops are.

And she's a Tory. I mean that instantly, I don't like I don't think I like any Tories. No, it's difficult isn't it? It is hard when essentially they're wrong. I don't like Tories. I even dislike people who say I don't like Tories but I like Ken Clark.

I then dislike them even if they're Labour's friends. That's how much I don't like them. I can understand how Ken Clark l their labour's full too that's how much I don't like them oh I know I can understand how King Clark lures people in so that that could be

like a subset of people who brackets like King Clark but yeah she's smug and I think she's really patronising

but I think one of the biggest reasons we hated her is that she slagged us off and mainly our friend off on Twitter oh I love it when it's personal.

Scorned! Tell us what happened. So Scummy Mummies, I mean the clue is in the name. Our sort of shtick is you know, we're not pretending to be the only ones, but our sort of shtick is being honest about parenting, right? Because we love our kids, blah blah blah, we all know that. That's boring. The point is that parenting is hard and

sometimes we find it easier if you can laugh about it and if you can say, look, I've got this problem, here's my problem, who else is going through this? And it's not always about here's the solution to the problem because parenting is just one huge fucking nightmare, isn't it? But it's about kind of going, we're all in this together and we're all in the same boat. And she is not keen on that as an approach.

And, well, as you know, do you know the thing about she smashed her kids iPads and stuff like that and made them travel in economy while she travelled in business she didn't yeah she said

they all know that when they're by the time they're seven they all have to travel in economy and mummy sits up the front of the plane I was like

wow wow yes so when this plane crashes on this desert island she'll have been in first class we'll have been in first class. We'll have been in the economy with our children.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Selling them, stop kicking my seat. Stop gilding that pear. That's right. I don't care if your iPad doesn't work. Yeah, yeah. Don't fucking recline, you're British. So, and obviously, so she'd be just thinking practically,

she'd be a nightmare to be on the desert island with because she'd be setting up some sort of class system. Yeah. She'd be trying to find food. Yeah. She'd be trying to cover the food in gold leaf. Yes. It would be a complete disaster.

Practically, it's a nightmare. Yeah, that's right. And she'd be like, no, no, no, that side of the island. Don't buy there. Yes. Don't buy there. Yeah. Wow.

No. If she was a Labour supporter, would you still feel the same about her? Well, yeah, as long as she still had the same sort of, you know, behavioural traits. Yeah, I think there's heaps of shitty Labour supporters. Yeah. Absolutely. But, yeah, I don't like the way that she really hates other women. She's not a woman's woman, I don't think, Ellie.

Those programmes seem a bit desperate, I think. The Location, Location, Location. Show, Show, Shit, they had to name it thrice yeah I do like Phil though I've got a bit of a thing for Phil you've got a thing for that type though you like Kevin MacLeod I do

yes I do I love Kevin MacLeod I'm a bit more mainstream I like a Cillian Murphy or an Idris Elba but you like to go niche you're quite niche I like a manian Murphy or an Idris Elba, but you like to go niche. You're quite niche. You've got a type. Niche but similar in vein. Yes.

Men into houses that could possibly wear hunters and go for a good galomp. Definitely go for a galomp and drink plonk. Exactly right. Probably has pate in his fridge. Definitely has pate in his fridge. Definitely has pate in his fridge. That's an Australian's idea of being high class.

Pate in your fridge. Oh, he looks like he's got pate in his fridge. Oh, he does. Loads of cheeses in the larder. Oh, lardy. Very nice. Lardy d'art. And has only slojin and not the real stuff.

Okay, this is good. I mean, I don't know where I'm going with this. No, but it's down. It sounds like the most middle class porn film. Like, go in, this is good. I mean, I don't know where I'm going with this. It sounds like the most middle class porn film. Me and pate and dip me in cheese. Let me just get some cheese from my larder. Show me to your larder.

That's right. What are you doing with that Hunter Willington boot? What? This is great. Okay. That's not a welly. That's my, anyway. That's my Hunter. That's what it welly. That's my, anyway. That's my hunter. That's what it is. Okay.

Kirsty Allsop. It's going to be your first choice. Yeah. Thank you very much. Get in the scene. Anything else on Kirsty before we put her on the island? Her clothes are silly. Feminism in action.

Great. I mean, just the low blow at the end. Yeah, yeah. That was great. But I do say, yeah, I describe my own style as an enthusiastic art teacher, and I think she's in the same kind of vein. There is one good thing, which is we know for a fact that she doesn't like us because she has said that to us on social media.

What is it that she said exactly? I can't even remember. Oh, okay. So basically an article came out in May a couple of years ago in the Daily Mail saying that we were terrible mothers because we fed our kids frozen fish fingers, which was a joke. Written in our book, still in print. And then there was sort of an expose saying,

oh, look at all these mothers champing. So it was not just us, it was other mums as well. Yeah, and so she was on the side, shocker, of the journalist from the Daily Mail who wrote it. Yeah, okay.

But what I like is that she'll be on the desert island so we know she doesn't like us so she'll be horrified to find that she's on the desert island with us and that cheers me up. Yeah, okay, that's great.

About the fact that I'm stranded on the desert island. And there's two of us and one of her, which is nice. This is great. So we can kill her and eat her. You look around and you're like,

oh, okay, this is it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, okay, I'm going to kill her and eat her you look around and you're like oh okay this is it yeah yeah yeah great okay can I kill her and eat her well what else we're going to have to eat something you're going to have to do something

I'm eating you yeah I'm being seen alive so Kirstie Orpestop is going to be your first choice thank you very much and who's going to be your second choice

sexist text sexist text that's a hard thing to say okay so we've been doing our hugely successful live comedy show for about six years now, and over that years we've done hundreds of shows,

and we've worked with so many texts who are sexist arseholes that we kind of couldn't pick one. So we sort of, I don't know if we're allowed to put them all on the island or if we've sort of put a hybrid sort of... Oh, yeah, you definitely can put a group of people. A sort of Frankenstein's monster. Can we paint a picture? Usually in the latter years of their lives,

so sort of, you know, maybe 50 plus. Yes. A little bit overweight. A slight hint of bum crack. A slight hint of hairy bum crack. Some trainers that are at least 10 years old. Always some sort of smell. Could be bad breath.

Could be just a general musky under. What, a whiff? Too much coffee or BO. Yeah some sort of smell. Could be bad breath. Could be just a general musky under. A whiff. Too much coffee or BO. Yeah. A very faded black t-shirt because he's a techie and that's that. A bit greasy haired and thinks that he is funnier. He's got the bants. He's got the jokes.

I've got one for you ladies. Yeah. And speaks to us like we are five. Yeah. We don't like it, James. No. This has been happening since our first ever show, which was six years ago this month in Lewisham. And we had this guy, and he had this huge fucking dog that was like a horse and used to come and lick our pops.

It was revolting. The horse dog was called Abba. Yeah, it's so strange. And, yeah. And drooled all over everything. Oh, gross. Nobody wants a horse dog on this stage. He would come in and make jokes about getting his wife an ironing board for Christmas. and yeah and drooled all over everything oh gross and there was a horse dog

on this stage we'd come in and make jokes about getting his wife an ironing board for Christmas and we'd just be like oh go fuck yourself

so there was him then there was a guy that guy that terrible bad breath guy who it was in a weird pub and we

he gave us a corridor to get changed in and then weirdly kept having to come in the corridor while we were taking our catsuits on and off. And he said,

don't worry, I don't mind. We're like, we fucking do. We stood there in our bra and pants. Hashtag we do. There was him,

there was the other guy. Greenwich man, professional grade. Greenwich man, he provided these microphones and one of them was really terrible and it was like,

noise. And I was like, this microphone's whistling, have you got a spare? And I was perfectly nice and it was like, noise. And I was like, oh, this microphone's whistling, have you got a spare? And I was perfectly nice, and he was like, what are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with that microphone. And I was like, no, literally, I've got ears. And he was like, no, there's nothing wrong with that microphone,

it's an industry standard microphone. And I was like, there's no such thing as an industry standard, what is this, what are you talking about? And also, like, I've got like a similar microphone. It's from fucking Maplin, which tells you how long ago this was. Yeah. So I won't go on,

but you get the idea. No, this is good. I mean, I like, I'd like to act surprised, but I'm not. It's just,

I've encountered a lot of these people. And they like to drop, we have had, do you remember that one in New Crossgate? He kept going, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah kept going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I once ticked for Stuart Lee. And he just kept dropping names. We're like, that's great. Can you make the microphones work, please? I perform comedy on the same bill as Stuart Lee. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He took that well. So, yeah. And we have also had lots of nice male techs, usually the younger lads. We had a lovely lad in Alistair in Edinburgh who ticked our show. Oh, he was like a little angel, like a little elf. He was so sweet. Yes.

And we've had lots of brilliant women. Not all men. I think this is what we're going to... Hashtag just those men. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to use that when I tweet about this. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I think I've got the type. I'm sorry that that's happened to you so many times. Well, you know, next time you're at a meeting of the patriarchy just have a little word when me and the other blokes get together I'll just say guys if you could

just stop doing that sorry James as if they'd listen to me let's focus on the sexual harassment things like that what's great is as well they really won't get on with Kirstie Allsop no that would be really awful you'd sit back and watch things like that. What's great is as well, they really won't get on with Kirsty Allsop. No. They wouldn't. No.

That would be really awful in a good way. You'd sit back and watch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It'd be like dog fighting. Although they'd probably agree about Brexit and then we'd all have

to kill ourselves. And they'd also all hate women so there's that. Apart from that. Oh my God. It's getting dark on the island. It's getting bad.

Yeah, I know. It often does. No, no, don't be sorry. This is my fault, if anything. Oh my God, he knows. I know, I know. It often does. No, no, don't be sorry. This is my fault, if anything. Oh my God, he knows. I know, I know. Okay.

Anything else about these sexist texts before we put them on the island? No. Okay, great. We've said enough. I feel cleansed now. Yeah, I feel like I'm just in a massive... I'm just going to say

I'm never going back to the Winchester Theatre. There's a terrible man there. The Winchester Theatre? Not Winchester. Oh, no, we love Winchester. Oh, fuck, sorry. The Whitstable Theatre. Oh, in Whitstable.

Love Whitstable. I love Whitstable too. Love seafood, but yeah, the tech at Whitstable Theatre. He didn't like me. I don't know if he was the tech or the theatre manager, but yeah, no, he didn't like you. And another one who came into our dressing room without knocking. Oh, sorry, I didn't even say sorry.

Just need to get something. Just need to get something. So, need to get my fist in your fucking face anyway. Please do it next time. It's worth it. You'll make national news. Okay, sexist texts. And who's going to be the third choice?

It's going to be, now, I'll be honest, it's my second choice. I was going to go with Ryder from Paw Patrol. Yes. Who is, you know, the worst fictional individual on the planet. But I heard that Lucy Porter, she'd already done that one. I'm sorry to have brought that to your attention. And she did it very well, having listened to the podcast.

I think she made a very excellent case. She is funnier than us. So rather than take her on, I've gone for my second most hated children's character which is Thomas the Tank Engine

Thomas the Tank Engine we spoke about this briefly before go on please I just it is he is so first of all

he'd be absolutely useless on the island you can't eat him because he's a train he can't go anywhere so he's totally useless but he's just so inane and thick

and insipid and just wants to please everyone, has no real opinions of himself. He's so boring He's boring isn't he? And he's just always doing stupid stuff like come on Thomas at least get it right once. His reason for being is being a really useful engine

I mean you can just go back and forth on the same fucking track. This is it. The whole thing, the whole Thomas the Tank Engine as a concept is the stupidest idea for a set of children's stories I've ever heard because they're fucking trains. They can't go anywhere. It's on a track. They can't do that.

They can't even go to Adventure Bay like those stupid fucking dogs and get a cat out of a tree or whatever. They can't do it. They've got no arms. How do they manage to get so many storylines out of this? Well, they don't. I think they just have one that they've vaguely rehashed, which is like one of them is stuck in a tunnel

and then the other one has to go. That was Henry. He didn't want to come out of the rain. Or they get stuck up a hill or they get stuck going. They go down a hill too far. Oh, I just, you know. Well, they did bring in some cranes, so at least they could have been moved from this place to that place.

But it's the inherent sexism of it, which was for many years up until quite recently when they introduced some female engines, all the female characters were characters. And what is that saying to people, that men have to be in front and the women just follow behind? Oh, that's profound, mate. Annie and Clarabel were the only female characters.

And then there was the sort of, you know, dictator, the fat controller who would come out and tell everyone they were crap, basically, and then get back in his car. He's called something else now, isn't he? Because you can't say people are fat anymore. He's called... Oh, is he? Yeah, he's called Mr. Somebody?

Mr. Trumpton or Sir Topham Hatt. Sir Topham Hatt. Is he? For fuck's sake. Nobody's called Topham. That's not a name. I watched it this morning, but it didn't... I watched it with my kids about...

It must have been about quarter to seven this morning. None of this was going in. I didn't notice anything. So were you watching the old version with Ringo Starr? No, I was watching the new one with the new characters, with the new female engines, right? Emily. Yes.

Emily's been on it a while. She has been. And there's a pinky one. Yeah. And so I was paying attention this morning. And I think, you know, obviously that's a great thing. But they couldn't be bothered to redo the song. So the song, at the end, the song is like exactly the same,

but they've just cut in a few lines and it just doesn't work. So it's like, they're two, they're four, they're six, they're eight. That one? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Shunting cars and hauling i could do it all but then i seem like it feels i feel like they haven't put any effort in with the song they just haven't changed it at the end they don't care they know it's a winner yeah kids are gonna buy trains yeah but um But we have a thing about anthropomorphism. How do you say it again? Anthropomorphism. Yes.

And that has become a thing now. I think Thomas started a terrible trend because our van, our zip van, is like, ooh, on the side, it's like, please feed me lovely food. And like, why does everything have to be a thing? Yes, it's true. I drink petrol. You don't drink anything. You're a fucking car.

Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. Exactly. So, you know, screw you, Thomas, it's true. I drink petrol. You don't drink anything. You're a fucking car. Exactly right. Exactly. So, you know, screw you, Thomas the Tank Engine. I'm a hungry car. Let's drive or something. So I've got it. Was it you said yesterday? Thomas the Wank Engine. Hey, hey.

Comedy show. Five stars. You see that toy in Hamley soon or where about Thomas the Wank Engine okay

Thomas the Tank Engine I think is a great choice it just makes me shudder some mornings when if you've gone

there's been CBeebies has been on every morning and the kids want something different and I put on milkshake

and you're in that milkshake place which feels like quite a dark place I think and Thomas the Tank Engine comes on and I just feel

oh god I wish I was asleep it makes me feel like that I know but then you have something excellent like Ben and Holly's that is excellent yeah

absolutely magnificent or I like the Go-Jetters or the Go-Jets as we call them because you've got a camp American unicorn. That's a character. That's good.

Funky facts. Funky facts. Yeah. Love a bit of funky facts. My son's called Joe, and I say... Oh, my son's called Joe. Yeah, is he? Mine's Jonas.

Jonas Joe. We call him Joe. Mine's Joseph. I'm more working class than you. Yeah, OK, obviously. No, I... Yeah, I always say... I always say, let me tell you about the Joe I know.

Oh, Funky Joe. Oh, I didn't think that. I didn't think that. That's amazing. Funky James. That's all right. Yeah, please. That's the only takeaway from this.

Have you taken Joe Jonas to CBeebies land? No, we've not been to CBeebies land. He's going to blow his tiny mind. So he's 19 months. Is he too young for CBeebiesland? Maybe. I took my Joe age four and... Yeah.

Oh, my God. Was it prime? Dude, we stayed... I mean, prepared to remortgage your house, but we stayed in the Octonauts room in the CBeebiesland hotel. Oh, fucking hell. You shit, you not.

I spent the night in a... Someone's doing well. Yeah. How long have you been touring? Explore, rescue, go in debt. Captain Bargainer calls, I don't think so.

Let me tell you about the debt I've got. Ooh, loads of debt. Sound the actor alert, we've run out of money. Yeah, it's serious. Okay, this is great. Well, maybe I will take them there, but maybe I'll wait until I've got more money. Yeah, just burn it.

Just burn all that cash. I'll tell you what we did do, and I think I've told this story on here before, but I may have cut it out. I took them to the CBeebies Festival. There was like a CBeebies Day Festival in Liverpool. Did you see about this? No.

Maybe your kids are too old now. I don't know. But we went to this in the summer and it was good. Was Dr. Ranj there? Dr. Ranj was there. I'm pretty sure because we follow him. We're close friends. Close friends, yeah.

I saw it on his Insta feed. Yes, how exciting. Yeah, it was good. He was great. My daughter loves Dr. Ranj. Yeah, and and then of course there's tumble so this summer

Helen and I are going to be on the main stage at Camp Bestival we're going to be comparing a morning and we're hoping we don't know yet but you know who's there every year yeah

tumble flying in helicopter Mr T yeah we've got a song already haven't we yeah let's get ready to tumble

let's get ready to tumble it Let's get ready to tumble. It's going to be amazing. That's so good. See you there. I'm going to try and get to Camp Festival. Yeah, do. Yeah, I'm sold in. Get a media pass.

Get a media pass. Yes. Can you bring kids to that? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I'm sure. Maybe they'll help me do the podcast there. I don't know if they'll have a Dick's podcast at a family festival, though.

No. Let's see. Let's give it a go. Yeah, cool. All right, then. That's great. Well, Thomas the Tank go. Yeah, cool. All right, then that's great. Well, Tamworth's Tank Engine is going to be your third choice. Thank you very much.

Just pretend it's about people called Richards, make it family friendly. Just pretend it's like, Dick and Dom are there, they've got Dick in their name. So I had Richard Herring on this podcast

and he's done an emergency question on his podcast called Desert Island Dicks where people pick their eight favourite Richards to be on an island with, right? And I didn't steal the idea. I independently came up

with this idea. I promised them, well, that's what I tell everyone anyway. And he came on this and I told him that and he was just like, yeah, as long as you don't

ever do Richards. And I was like, okay, sorry, Richard. I'll make a note of that. I've got a friend who does a podcast called Desert Island Crisps where you have to say

what crisps you take. Sam Pamphilow. You know him. He's come on this. He's been on this before. Yeah. And you guys did go 8-bit together. Yes, we did.

There we go. Connect the dots. Oh, do you mean that hugely successful TV show? Yeah, with Dara O'Brien. Yeah, I remember, yeah. Best woman to host a show on Dave. Yeah, no, it's good. No, yeah, cool.

No, it's great. Well, thank you very much. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices which might lead to another discovery your headphones haven't been connected this whole time awkward discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices sierra let's get moving this episode is brought to you by honda when you test drive the new prologue ev there's a lot that could impress you about it. There's the class-leading passenger space, the clean, thoughtful design, and the intuitive technology.

But out of everything, what you'll really love most is that it's a Honda. Visit Honda.com slash EV to see offers. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Now, the food, this one we couldn't agree on. Okay.

Because I cannot bear a macaron. Is that even how you say it? Macaroon, macaron. They've become very popular in the last few years. The nasty little pastel-coloured biscuits. They just taste like fucking soap. I don't understand it. They're revolting. Do you little pastel coloured biscuits. They just taste like fucking soap. I don't understand it. They're revolting. Do you not agree? No.

Because I quite like them. They're French, they're fancy, but I do prefer the jammy ones rather than the... A jammy macaron? Yeah, so if you get a raspberry or a framboise... Someone's doing that. She's talking about jammy dodgers. Yeah, that's it. A jammy dodger. Like the biscuit. She's talking about jammy dodgers. Yeah, that's it. It's a jammy dodger.

Yeah, like the biscuit. She thinks they're fancy. Yeah. I like the chocolatey ones with the orange in the middle. Oh, got them at Harrods. Yeah,

no, I don't mind a macaron because I like, I do because it's halfway to a meringue and it's got a bit of cream in it, I think.

So this is, this is, I like anything with sugar in it. Yeah. This is fine. I mean, you're in the, you're in the early stages of parenthood. That's what you survive on.

I find that the texture is sinister. It's sort of squishy but crispy but melty in a really unpleasant, unnerving way. It melts in your mouth, Ellie. It melts in your mouth. So do skips. I'd rather have a packet of skips. I know, I know. Do you have an alternative then? Because I think we've both

agreed on overly iced cupcakes I find that just that's true yeah absolutely disgusting and we've been at you know you know stupid mum events

not all events are stupid but and they have these massive cupcakes that nobody they just get left because they're

they're too unwieldy and they just make you feel revolting do you mean like loads of things on top a lot of sprinkles and stuff stuck in there? Yeah, and like the ratio of icing to cake is completely... Incompletely off.

Nothing wrong with a fairy cake. They're like a nice thin layer of icing. That'll do me, thank you very much. Yeah, I'm sort of off cake generally as well because when I was really young, I used to work in a bakery that was run by a racist. So because I'm against racism like all good people and not

some Tories, I used to like, I used to knit cakes from the bakery because I was like well if morality's gone out the window then let's do that. So then I ate loads and loads of cakes and now I just don't really because I had no money to just live on cakes and now I don't really like cakes but then I know what's put you off

we did that film shoot a few years ago with our close personal friend Claudia Winkleman, oh yes yes and you had to tell a joke that involved you eating a cupcake, yeah but just the top bit of the icing I had to have like a full face like and like eating the, and so I had to do it over many takes and just had

mouthfuls of pink icing and I think even now I'm feeling a bit yucky yucky I know, I used to, I'm feeling a bit... Yeah. Yucky, yucky. I know. I worked in a cinema when I was 16 and I didn't want to buy lunch. I wanted to spend all my wages on cheap cider or going to a gig or whatever.

Or whatever. Specialist magazine. It was a different time. It was a different time. I used to steal them. And I used to eat the popcorn. Now I really struggle with popcorn. Yeah.

I used to fill up on popcorn at lunchtime. Just like, shit, popcorn. And now I struggle with it. And Post Mix, surely you just go straight for the fizzy drinks. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I still love those. Oh, yeah.

I love a fizzy drink. A Tower Coke from a Tower. It's just like, oh, it's the best, isn't it? I love that. It's like draft lager. It's just not the same it's why I go to Five Guys now just for the refillable Cokes

yeah I mean it's a pleasing experience Nando's my husband once seriously suggested on our anniversary I was like let's go for a lovely meal he's like

why don't we go to Nando's and I was like because it's our anniversary we can go somewhere nice and he went but they have refillable Cokes and anyway they are

so the most papers to be finalised next week. Where did you go in the end? I can't remember. Probably Nando's. Okay. They're from our house. This is your island,

so macarons or overly iced cupcakes. But I mean, at this stage in my life, I really need the sugar. So I struggle slightly, but it's your island, right? Okay. So those go on. And what's going to be your drink choice?

Southern Comfort. Southern Comfort. So general bourbon or that kind of, your brown spirits, I would say. We could put it as a general term because Ellie doesn't like the whiskey. I only really like vodka. I don't like really rum or anything like that. So yeah. Yeah.

So anything like rum and coke so lots of stuff that just reminds me of being a teenager because that's what people would nick there's a particular there's a thing called Bundaberg rum which every parent

daggy parent in Australia would drink with you'd have a Bundy and coke okay yeah is that good? the serial killer bourbon and coke or as my brother used to call it a suburban and coke to be Yeah. Yeah. Is that good? That's the serial killer.

Bourbon and Coke, or as my brother used to call it, Suburban and Coke, to be, you know, derogatory. So elite. I know. I know. So fancy. Yeah. So, but yeah, we just, just that smell, right, of bourbon. And people would nick it in, put it in their, like, drink bottle

and we'd drink it in the park and smoke really cheap fag. Okay. But I have to confess the real reason. Can I continue on with the story? Oh, I've stopped thinking about what I'm going to say because I can't wait for this. You may keep talking. I don't know how dark or naughty this podcast is,

but let's just go there. So I once, I had a boyfriend who got a small bottle of Southern Comfort and he made me drink it all. And then we had anal afterwards. And so you can see where this is going. The Southern Comfort, it was not. It was not Southern Comfort at all. Southern Discomfort.

Yes, exactly right. So, yeah, it reminds me of anal sex. And, you know, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I didn't like it. And, yeah, in the Southern regions it was not comfortable. Oak. Yeah. It reminds me of anal sex and, you know, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I didn't like it. Yeah. In the southern regions, it was not comfortable. OK. Sharing so much.

I know. Have you had anal chat on this podcast before? I thought you were about to ask me. I don't know. I think my most committed listener is my dad. And I'm just imagining him driving around in his van right now like, oh my god, we're talking about anal sex. Oh no. That's fine. It's fine. I've heard your podcast before. Your voice has gone a bit high. I know. Has it?

It's fine. It's fine. And I can't look either of you in the face. It's fine. I mean, that's a fair reason not to like 7 Com. I was going to say. Wow. So he made you drink the whole bottle, did he? fair reason not to like Southern Comfort. I was going to say. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So he made you drink the whole bottle, did he? Yeah. Like, that does sound a bit, you know, it's a bit not right. He probably could have had a next stand on. And no, no. That's okay then. No, it's not. No.

No. I'm thinking back on it. I was like, no. I just, yeah, so I can't really go near it. No. Yeah. So I don't, yeah, that's, yeah. Okay.

To do with dicks as well. That is to do with dicks. It's all connected. That was no pun intended. No pun away, James. A minor reason, I just don't like Southern Comfort. Although, clearly, it makes you very relaxed. I should change my, perhaps I should be a bit more open-minded. I don't know if I'm going to ask you if there's any more on Southern Comfort.

No, I think that's done now. Okay. Thank you very much. Great. I think great. Fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck. It only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? We definitely agreed on the least favourite film, which was, in fact, Grease 2. Yes, OK. I've never seen it, so please tell me. Right, have you seen Grease?

Yes, I'm there. So imagine, like, Grease, but completely shit. That's basically, in a nutshell, that's my review. Yeah, the dancing was worse, the acting was worse, the songs were worse. Reproduction, reproduction. Yeah, there's a very, I would say, upsetting... Is that a song or is that your song?

No, but it's a song. It's terrible, yeah. Okay. There's a song where they're in the classroom, aren't they? They're in the classroom and they're talking about reproduction and then not long after that, there's a song where they're in the classroom, aren't they? They're in the classroom and they're talking about reproduction. And then not long after that, there's a very upsetting, I would say, now scene where they're in a bunker, like a wartime bunker, and this boy is trying to have sex with this girl

and he sings her this song about how the world's going to end and we're all going to die tomorrow, so you have to suck me off, basically. This is problematic. I'm paraphrasing a little bit the lyrics but that is, it's really like, it's really sinister

and I remember watching that as a child because in the 80s it's a musical time. It's a musical. But like my parents let me watch Jaws and shit and then I could go

in the sea for 10 years. Like it was, I just wouldn't let my children anywhere near it. So yeah, Michelle Pfeiffer in it. Yeah. I mean she's beautiful.

She's lovely to look at. She's a bit wet though though, I would say. She's no Olivia Newton. Olivia Newton? Olivia Newton-John. She looks quite unhappy about the whole thing, as well she might be, because it's a shit film. And also, you don't have to make a sequel.

I think this is the modern-day tragedy, is that if it's a really good film, just leave it alone. You know, we've made 164 episodes of our podcast people could probably say the same to us probably right they'll probably go

yeah the episode 2 it all went downhill from there I mean imagine you two have had better reviews than Grease 2 5 star reviews

yeah I don't know if you mentioned that previously I wish we could mention it more yeah but thank you for asking you are wearing a t-shirt that says it.

Ask me about my five-star review. On the back, in brackets, Guardian. Hilarious. Yeah, it just didn't have the same. I mean, you can't get better than John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. There's only one Rizzo. I mean, Frenchy makes a... Rizzo's my favourite, yeah.

Frenchie makes a little cameo in it as well, but like... Okay. It just shits on the original, I think. It shits in Olivia Newton-John's mouth. Yeah, it does. But not in a nice way. Poor Olivia.

Hey, some people are into it. I don't know. You're doing your own time as your own business. Maybe we should have a whole bottle of Southern Comfort yeah I know oh dad

oh dad what's your dad's name I'm sorry that I made you my dad's name's John sorry John sorry John I think it's okay he knows

he definitely knows he's lived a life he's lived a life I'm sorry that I made you talk about Grease 2, though, because, you know, you brought it up, but I could have guessed it was going to be bad, right? Yeah. There's only one way it's going to go.

And what's going to be your song choice? Now, mine, again, we disagreed on this. Mine is going to be Love Shack. Oh, I can't stand it. And it's one of those songs that I feel like you know it, don't you? You know all the little bits. Oh, we're busted. Hugging and kissing, moving and grooving.

Shut your goddamn face. I can't stand it. Part of it is because, again, it's overexposure. So I went to university in Sheffield, and their Friday night disco nightclub, I suppose the young people would say, whatever they say these days, was called Love Shack. Okay. And obviously every week they would play Love Shack.

And me and my friend John Finney, we would go to Love Shack every Friday. One time we decided we would go every Friday, regardless of who else would come with us. So most weeks it was just the two of us. Yes, he's gay, but weirdly, neither of us really knew that at the time. I don't know what was going through our heads. But anyway, so yeah, so I listened to it.

And we did a run of nine weeks, which was only interrupted by my grandmother dying selfishly. So yeah, so I heard it. And now when it comes on, I can't. That, and the other one is Grief is in the Heart. Oh, yeah. No, get it off. Oh, right, yeah.

Because of the same reason? Because of that club night? I think just it has that same sort of like everything's jolly and a bit poppy. And it's so uncool. They're just so naff. I've always felt like this is sad, but there's like an emptiness in that song. I don't know why. It's kind of like, it just seems very sad to me.

Which one? The Groove is in the Heart? Yeah, Groove is in the Heart. Groove is not in the Heart. No. Just, yeah. Yes. I can't remember why, but I was doing something for work.

I'm not going to say this. It goes nowhere. But I'll say it really quickly. I was doing something for work and I remember I looked up the video, but the only version of the video that you can find on the internet is like a really, for some reason, just an odd like grainy version,

even on YouTube. It just filled me with deep sadness when I watched it. Yeah. And so is that going to be your two choices? No, there's another choice. I said Anything by Michael Bolton anything by Michael Bolton

mainly that's not one of his songs anything anything anything it's anything any artist that puts far too much breath in his song so it's like

I'm a matchbox to live without you. Don't like it. I can tolerate it. Oh, no. I'd rather that than this. It's like he's straining all the time. He's so sappy. Because you talk about emptiness and sad. Like, oh, it's awful.

And it's his wistful looks, you know, out into the distance and his open white shirt. Oh, it makes me... What about his nice long hair that he had? No. And his little diamond earring. And he's slightly balding. Like, his forehead kept going further and further back.

Oh, I don't mind it. How often are you encountering Michael Bolton? Oh, I just didn't like it. Him and Richard Marks. I didn't like that sappy... We're talking about that era of sort of late 80s rock. Yeah. It was all a bit, you know...

I quite like the one where Richard Marks is in prison for murder. That's quite jolly. It's a music video. This is a tape about a murder. That's quite Johnny. It's a music video. They said, take me by the river. That kind of thing. Yeah, it's about a woman being murdered, it's by Johnny. Oh, hey. Yeah.

Michael Bolton. I don't, yeah. No. I think you're Michael Bolton, because you mentioned the breath there. I think this is about your misophonia. Yes, I'm... Do you know what misophonia is? No, no, no.

Do you explain it to your disease? Oh, um, yeah. She's so sensitive. So I can't stand the sound of people making disgusting noises with their mouths. So like overly... Like breathing. Yeah, like breathing and eating very loudly. Any kind of phlegm movement, whether it's in the throat or nose.

And yeah, loud sort of chewing gummies and things. So I have to move carriages and trains. When people are eating and talking, that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or brushing teeth very loudly. Like last night, I was in the bathroom, occupied, and my husband came in and started brushing his teeth. And I was like, get out, get out, get out!

Don't do it near me! And I had to put my hands over my ears. Things are going great between us. Yeah, so I think maybe the breathy thing, and I don't like an overly breathy radio announcer as well. That makes me want to punch them in the face.

There's no need to... Don't put an affectation in. Just speak. No, just talk just talk um i've had someone on the podcast mentioned this before um yeah this was quite a long time ago yeah it's got misophonia and um they chose people that make loud noises when they eat and what i realized is i met up with her the other day and uh having lunch and i picked uh like a like a rice bowl thing i realized i was just talking away and eating this thing and I must have, and at the end

I'd realised and I like, we'd parted ways and I had to email her to say sorry because I realised I'd probably been the entire time. Did she reply? Yeah, she replied and said it's fine but I imagine it wasn't. I imagine it wasn't

I imagine it wasn't fine. She had to go home and be sick. Yeah. That's fine. In hindsight, she was crying and not saying a lot. So, yeah. Oh, no. It's only wrong.

I know. It is. But we had a fun incident earlier this year because it was Helen's idea that we'd go on this health retreat in Ibiza. Okay. Yep. How was that? Was it juicy?

No. No, but we were only there six days instead of seven. But we had 1,200 calories and we weren't allowed meat, sugar or booze the whole time. We had to exercise about six hours a day. And we'd woken up very, very, very early in the morning. Yeah. Awful. Yeah, so it was not ideal.

And one of the things we had to do was a breathing meditation. Oh, God, don't take me back there, really. Don't take me back there. So we weren't in this room, right? And there's this lady called Sapphire there, obviously. Who I kept calling Saffron, which, you know, she loved. I loved it, yeah. And you all have to lie on the floor,

and then you have to do this breathing. And when I say breathing, like, I mean like... Okay. So I was like... I just want to hurt me. A few minutes away from her. And we start doing it and I was laughing so hard. I was laughing and laughing and laughing.

So I was like, oh my God, this is Helen's worst nightmare. She will absolutely be hating this. But because she's also a very nice person who doesn't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings, she will not leave the room because she't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings she will not leave the room because she won't want to hurt someone's feelings

so she will sit there and suffer for 40 minutes listening to a room full of people doing incredibly loud breathing you were laughing

and you were crying I had a lovely time then but then then the lady who was a dick if I had a little fourth dick

it would be the woman who started having orgasmic sounds unnecessarily while she was being transported. But then she said she was thinking about her mother, which I think is very strange. This is another lady who was going, and then the breath, then the breath. Again, I've never laughed so good. None of that.

Oh, wow. I was taken aback. You were just fucking breathing. and then the breath then the breath again I've never lost none of that oh my god yeah oh wow yeah I was taken back you were just fucking breathing you're just it's hypoxia is what it is I used to do a lot of scuba diving so I know about that

that's when you have not enough oxygen in your blood and so your brain goes a bit wacky like that's all it is right okay so yeah so she went a bit

so you're coming back from Ibiza feeling a bit strange and probably looking slightly different and maybe a little bit tired and worn out, but for none of the other reasons why everyone else would go to Ibiza. Yeah, and as Ellie's favourite anecdote from... I put on weight!

You do? Yeah! Your body went into shock. They gave you loads of carbs, you know. What are you going to do? It's ludicrous. OK, yeah. Yeah, Ellie. And also, what are you going to do? It's ludicrous. Okay, yeah. A lot of beetroot. Yeah, Ellie. And also,

because we were so hungry and so tired and we couldn't sleep because we were so hungry, we just were doing stupid things like we accidentally set the curtain on fire. Did you? Yeah.

Accidentally. There's a lovely candle in our room. We're smoking out the window. There's a lovely candle. It was a lovely place to stay. Absolutely stunning. And there was this lovely candle

and I lit the candle, and then I went to do the electric blinds, and it went straight into the candle. We had to scrub it off with toothpaste. With toothpaste? We weren't using anything. How did you figure that out? Suncream.

Whatever you've got. Wow. And then we were just hysterical. So we were showing this room, and then we're just hysterical and then we're showing this room and then like one day I was like oh I don't think

I don't know if I'm very well I'm a bit worried and you were like why and I was like I think there might be like blood in my wee and then you were like

you have beetroot for dinner you silly bitch and I never eat beetroot I've been eating beetroot five days in a row wow okay I was like dude this is what happens.

But, yeah, we just went a bit loony. And Ibiza looked like a nice place. And the worst bit was we had to do, like, quite an intensive workout on the beach, you know, jogging up and down and all that sort of stuff. And then, but it was in front of a bar where people were sitting, like, drinking cold glasses of rosé. We're like, is it a mirage?

Rosé, rosé. Oh, right, yeah. I thought you were going to say littered with people just coming down, just like, oh my God. I love how we got from Michael Bolton to your beetroot urine.

Excellent. I mean, that's the title of his fourth album, I don't know if you remember. Beetroot urine. My beetroot urine. Anything. I mean, that's the title of his fourth album, I don't know if you remember. Beatrice Urine. My Beatrice Urine. Anything. Beatrice Urine. And that's how we leave your song choice. That's brilliant. Thank you.

And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Fucking horses. Horses. I hate horses. Worst of Both hate horses. I hate horses. Worst of all the animals. I hate horses. They're not my friend.

Do you remember that? Yeah. I love horses. Yeah. In the original. Oh, dreadful. I don't. Why?

They're too big. Yeah, they are big. They're intimidating. They kill people. They bite things. They bite. Eat too much. Yes.

Fat bastards. Dreadful. Attract the wrong type of people. They bite things. They bite. Eat too much. Yes. Fat bastards. Trample. Attract the wrong type of people. They can trample you. They can throw you off. They can bite you. They don't like me. I think that's part of the reason I don't.

I've ridden a horse three times in my life, each time an absolute disaster. Yeah, same. The last time I was on holiday in Cuba, and we hired, I mean, it's sort of our own fault, we hired these really dodgy horses off this geezer. He seemed to be on the level, but then we met the horses and they were all, like, really scrawny

and it was all really depressing, but we were sort of in this park then and we were in it and, like, and then we realised the geezer was not on the level because every time, like, one of the park guards came round in the official uniform, we had to hide with the three horses behind the bush. Two! Hiding three very pale English people and three horses behind a bush. Hiding three very pale English people

and three horses behind a bush. It's not an easy task. No. In the heat of the Cuban sun. Oh, no. Oh, no. And then, yeah, one of my mates,

he just started galloping off. And I'm not, you know, I don't know how to ride a bloody horse. But my horse would be trying to catch up with that horse and then I would just be like this, absolutely terrified. And at one point the horse started trying to sweep me off. So it was deliberately, I didn't notice it after,

this is the thing horses do. Vicious bastards, if they don't want you on, they will look for a low hanging branch and they will run under the branch because knowing that the fucking branch will whack you in the chest and sweep you off the horse. I shouldn't be laughing but really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Oh my God. It's hilarious now but like, yeah, so this horse did that and luckily for me I have hypermobility

which basically means weird bendiness so I sort of saw this branch coming and sort of threw myself backwards on the horse. Like a horse-based limbo, really.

It was very, I mean, if you think about it it's probably quite impressive. Yes. Those bastards. Yeah limbo, really. It was very, if you will, but it's probably quite impressive. Yes. Those bastards. Yeah, absolutely, no. Yeah, well done for getting out of it, yeah.

I grew up in country Australia, and so everybody was into horses. And, yeah, and I just remember going for, like, trail rides and stuff, and my horse bolted off into the bush, and my reins broke, so I only had one, and I was holding it with one hand, and just nearly fell off. Nasty, nasty things. Okay. And expensive. My daughter really, really, really loves horses and so if she wants to

have a lesson, you know, I have to pay a mortgage. It's almost as expensive as seeing babies. I tell you who I don't like horses. Who? Kirsty fucking Allsop. I bet she's all over it. Oh, it's gone full circle. This is great. I love this. I believe Julia Davis is waiting outside

for us to be I've just had the nods like look I put up a finger for two minutes and he looked at me and I put up one minute and he went okay

okay I'm going to leave all that in that's fine so thank you very much this has been so good I really appreciate it why are you looking

so scared because you're about to meet Julia Davis she has arrived are you going to talk to her I don to be doing a TV she has arrived are you going to talk to her I don't know I wonder if she can

hear this through the speaker there oh god we've always embarrassed ourselves we always embarrass ourselves Ellie that is our reason

for being if this wasn't an advert for going to see you and looking you up listening to your podcast and going to see you live

please tell the listeners what you're up to at the minute where they can see you and stuff when up listening to your podcast and going to see you live please tell the listeners what you're up to at the minute where they can see you and stuff when's this going out this is going out tomorrow night

alright so yes we're doing live shows up and down the country our podcast comes out fortnightly do follow us on Instagram

at Scummy Mummies and our book Ellie still in print absolutely yeah we've got loads of gigs coming up we're doing a big

Christmas tour so lots of them are sold out but I think there's there's a yeah it's tickets for Liverpool Leicester

Catford and Seven Oaks coming up in 2019 but the 2020 dates will be out soon yeah well thank you very much this has been great

fucking slick it's been so much fun yes that's brilliant you've done that before thank you very much we must go okay bye thank you very much we must go okay bye

thank you bye bye