Desert Island Dicks - SEAN MCLOUGHLIN

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Comedian Sean McLoughlin joins Harriet to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Sean McLaughlin. I nearly blanked on your name then. That's fine. A lot of people do. You're one of my oldest friends in comedy. And I just looked at you and I was like, wait, what?

This guy can't be Sean McLaughlin. Yeah, we've got an imposter. What's happening? That's fine. Hi, Sean. You blanked on your name when you had to sign in to the office today. Don't say that. I was really trying to be like, kind of like a big shot. And I was like, Sean, this is how you sign into Spotify.

And then I was like showing you. And then I wrote my name as... Hartier Kemslaw. And I didn't even notice. And then Sean was like, that's absolutely not how you spell your name and I was like this is how you pose for a photo and then I posed really hard and then it came back and my eyes were shut. I mean the thing is with that

when they take a photo of you as you're signing into an office what an observational comment that is but it's impossible to not look like an idiot Why so low? Why are they always so low? Why so low? I ask it of this It's impossible to not look like an idiot, right? Why so low? Why are they always so low? Why so low? Why so low?

Why so low? I ask it of this. I ask it of who's the person who did that song low? Shorty got low. Who did that usher? Oh, you go low, low, low. Yeah, whoever sang that, why so low? Did we do that as one of our dance tracks when we did Mac Comedy Festival?

Yeah, we did do that. Was that one of our songs? That was one of our dance tracks when we did Mac Comedy Festival? Yeah, we did do that. Was that one of our songs? That was one of our songs. Yeah, me and Sean did this comedy festival and we did, Ivo Graham has this show called Comedians DJ Battles. And you have to pick three songs and you have to dance to them and get the audience to vote for you. And we lost our goddamn minds. Yeah, that was one of the songs that we picked um and stacy's mom stacy's yeah they all play i'm with that if it's flow rider oh yeah yeah yeah she did stacy's mom that and i'm yeah i made everyone do engine engine number nine by fat man who has since

passed away no are you serious so what a tribute to fat man oh my goodness yeah i couldn't believe it what a way to find out yeah very sorry goodness. Yeah, I couldn't believe it when I heard. What a way to find out. Yeah, very sorry. Yeah. And as tribute, he's going on the island. What a way to work it in. I'm bringing him back to life. Putting him on the island.

It was so funny because you had to dance to these songs to try and get the audience going. And within 10 seconds, you and Johnny Pelham were taking your tops off. Yeah, we were with Johnny Pelham who was not even meant to be on our team. We'd offered him a kindness

by even dragging him into it. Yeah, we didn't want him to be lonely, yeah. But then he got us all drunk. He took advantage of us and 10 seconds in he said to me, we're taking our tops off.

And I don't take my top off in front of my wife. And yet here I am in front of the various Welsh Valley nerds in the barn dancing around a Flowrider. And then the worst thing is afterwards we were like, well, we're definitely going to win this. I suppose we're going to have to stick around all night.

We didn't even get through the first round. We were so confident. We were like, yeah, follow that, everybody. Good luck. And then we were like, what are we going to do for our next round? And we were so sure. And then they were like, anyway, these guys, thanks for coming. Yeah, thanks for taking part.

I think because you took your tops off so quickly and we went in with such energy, it was just, it was so hard to follow it. 30 seconds in, I was like, I'm going to have a heart attack. Like I'm just jumping up and down on the spot. We used, we used, my wife came on stage with us. We used her as a limbo pole and people limboed under her. It was, I think we- I tried to do the worm.

Yeah, we tried to do the worm, but I did break my thumb during that. I went straight down on the deck like a, I don't know. But it was like, we were on stage going, they are loving this. But this is what you have to remember, listeners. They were objectively not loving it. Yes. They were watching not loving it. Yes.

They were watching a... A car crash. Yeah, a series of small emotional car crashes whilst being forced to listen to Flowrider at deafening volume. Yeah, I think that was... I don't think we've been the same since that. No, we've definitely... I think it's released something, maybe.

Something we should put back in. Yeah, I agree with that. Pop the cork in sharon how did you find putting together your choices for the island well i'm full of love as you know harry oh yes hard for you to find fault with anything hard for me to find fault with anything um i appreciate all of god's creatures all of god's creations um there were elements of it i found easy elements I found difficult but it is hard

to like narrow down who you don't want to spend time with especially when you're a job because there's so many people well my job is to be entertaining I mean you're not doing this because you actually

like you're doing this because it's a good format for like an entertaining show it's not like I go I want to go here this is my problem with Kim Jong-un like I i said no i have to be funny uh so i'm curious i'm curious i think there's a couple that you're going to disagree with okay i find it interesting because i think you're a very positive

person i think you're genuinely full of like i think you've got a lot of empathy thanks john yeah yeah and so i think you would you struggle in this situation yeah i find it really hard but like some but i do feel very strongly about some things like i really hate some things but they're often not human that's the interesting they're not human she she hates the venusians wait what's that i I guess people from Venus. I should have said Martian. I should have said Martian.

Would you say this podcast is going well? We haven't even started it yet. Okay. How far are we in? We spent ages trying to set up the cameras and then

we spent so long trying to set up the cameras because it was blurry and then everyone was trying to work on the technical stuff and then they said, I think, should we just move the camera closer to Harriet and then lift her up on the chair? And then we just... It does look good though. We can see ourselves there.

It's just we're in the cutting edge of technology and what we decided to do was just, should we just move the camera closer? That's where podcasting is now. Can't zoom in. It's 20... Physically zoom in. Late 2024 and all the comedians' podcasts were always self-produced, like DIY jobs.

And then loads of people were like, so much work. I just want to be in a studio where they know how the tech works. We're in the Spotify studio in the centre of London. And everyone's like, do we just put the camera close? I don't know. What do we do? Just move it near Harry's face.

Yeah. I'll just lean towards it. Let's just make sure their big, dumb faces are in front of the circles. Yes. face. Yeah. I'll just lean towards it. Let's just make sure their big dumb faces are in front of the circles. Yes. Sean. Hi. I wish I had a drum roll.

Should I get a... You should. Does that sound like a drum? Yeah, sure. Who is the first person you want to put on the island? Okay, the first person I want to put on the island

is Ryan Reynolds. Whoa! I was thinking about sort of, I don't want to just name celebrities. Yeah. That's what we've done. I think there's something about Ryan Reynolds that I don't trust. I think he's got the same eyes as Hitler. I think he's got the same smile as Richard Nixon. I think he's got the same eyes as Hitler. I think he's got the same smile as Richard Nixon.

I think he's up to something. And I don't like the idea that he's charming. I don't buy it. But he's just like on the thing going, little old me. Like he is a ruthless, he's a ruthless businessman. And I think he's masquerading as an actor.

And I don't trust him. I don't trust him one bit. I mean, to go from two guys, two guys, a girl and a pizza place to where he is now. Wait, is that Ryan Reynolds? I don't know. What is that?

Wait, do you not know? No, I don't. It was this series called Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place. Okay. And he was in it? And he was in it. And then now look at him.

And now look at him. He's Deadpool. He's Deadpool. He's Deadpool. But also he owns all these sports teams. No one makes that journey. He owns all these sports teams. He owns all these companies. What does he own?

Aviation Gin. He owns a phone company. I don't like that. Okay. Two guys and a girl. And a pizza place. What was that show about? Who was in that show?

Where was it set? I don't know how to explain it further. Sure. It was a comedy though. It was a comedy, yeah. And it was in a pizza place. Yeah. And there were just like two guys and a girl.

Great concept. But to go from that to that wacky comedy to what he is, you have to be a killer. I think he is a killer, but I don't even mind successful actors. I also don't agree

with the idea that actors or celebrities now have to own loads of businesses and that that should be lauded. I think that's a problem. But it's just, they can make more money. That's why they're doing it, because they have the brand recognition.

They can just make more and more and more money by doing all the things. But that's why I think, why am I going to go see this guy in a film? He doesn't care about being in films. But he couldn't. He couldn't. If Steve Jobs was in Iron Man, I wouldn't be like, oh, that's good. No, it's crazy. It's the same.

It's the same. Because the thing is, I think him and The Rock are similar. You know, The Rock? Oh, I know. Stop texting, Harriet. No, I'm not texting. I'm looking up Ryan Reynolds' businesses. Businesses.

I think it's Aviation Gin. He has his own phone network, I think, in America. He has loads. Imagine that, I think, in America. He has loads. Imagine that. He owns a phone network. Imagine that. He owns a phone network. I think so.

I mean, I'll say it. I don't care. So does that mean he can listen to everyone's conversations? Probably. I don't know if he personally can, but he probably has access to it. What is he up to?

Also, because I think they're him and The Rock, and everyone's turned against The Rock now. Really? Yeah. You need to stop watching two guys, the rock, and everyone's turned against the rock now. Really? Yeah. You need to stop watching two guys, a girl and a pizza place. You need to get into the modern age, Harriet.

But the thing with the rock is, he's mad. He's mad. But he knows he's mad. Yeah. And that's kind of almost part of the brand. Like if you go on his Instagram, he's just at the gym all the time. He's just going what he's almost saying to the to the people why am i doing this god i'm so damaged i'm such an ill

person look at me i'm working out seven hours a day why am i taking a video of my daughter's birthday i'm fucked up whereas ryan reynolds is like oh i love being it oh god oh gee whiz i can't believe a little can. Fuck off. I think he's worse than Chairman Mao. Wow. Yeah. Wow. On and off screen.

Was he a Disney kid? Gosling was. You get the Ryans confused. I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to understand this. I want to... But also, know what is he in good films right this is what i don't know he's just there he's just he's just there responding to things on twitter this is one that i thought would be controversial because i think he's like i think he's the best branded person we've got because people find him very charming. He's sort of handsome in a very neutral way.

I think he's almost like a Doctor Who villain. Like one day he's going to make a billion dollars. He's a billionaire already. Is he? Well, then I think he's going to like announce, he's going to like do a press conference. He's going to rip off his face. He's's going gutted i've got all your private information and the gin has been poisoned the whole time and deadpool is turning your kids into satanists and i'm listening to your phone calls and i know

what you've been saying i would never never join Ryan Reynolds' phone network. You'll never take me alive, Reynolds. I think it's weird, man. I think it's weird. Yeah, I've never thought of Ryan Reynolds in this way. I've got a lot to think about. Yeah. But he's the, I think, I mean, not all of them are like that.

But the whole sort of celebrity entrepreneur thing i find creepy anyway um it's like rob robert de niro doesn't run starbucks he has he literally has a restaurant he has a restaurant though yeah he doesn't own he doesn't like it's not like he has a restaurant and he owns all of our email addresses you know he? He's like, oh, I've made loads of money. I like Italian food. I'll have a restaurant. That's, I think, a nice little thing to have to kind of keep you busy between making films. Yeah.

Ryan Reynolds is like in the prime of his life. He's a big star. And instead of just like trying to make interesting work. But if you were offered these opportunities, you would turn them down? No one's ever going to offer me those them down no one's ever going to offer me those opportunities if you could say do you want to be a face of a gin okay if you were offered to be the face of tap water tap water yeah i'm trying to think of something i'd be good i'd be

good i don't know how much money you make as the face of tap water i don't know how powerful I can become without me you don't you don't drink maybe but like I also think you don't get I don't think you get offered those things I don't think I don't think oh for sure the business people come to you and they say you people like you and they trust you so we build a company together and we just use you you've got the platform we use your platform but why is it just him though why is it just what like leonardo dicaprio no one or like i don't know who the other big like scarlett johansson no one's saying hey scarlett johansson do you want to own do you want to own like a a lithium mine you're so famous should we like get into like, should we get into like Congolese black diamond mining?

That is true. Ryan Reynolds is like, I really want to do that. I think he's got three years. I think he's got three years less, three years left of being acceptable. It was the second person you're putting on this island. Okay.

Well, I've got two more. One of them is I got a message recently on Facebook, on my comedy Facebook page. Wow, you said the big time. Yeah. I don't go on Facebook very often, but I was feeling a bit low about my career.

You know, you go up and down. Oh, my career's going fine. Look at me. I'm in the Spotify offices, cussing out a billionaire. But you know how it is. Your confidence goes yeah i'm promoting a tour at the moment for 2025 across uk and europe so there you go and tap water coming i'll be selling my tap water at the gig and you know it's just it's it's an emotional churn this job sometimes and i and i was just

posting adverts for my tour and i never post on my facebook oh i should do an advert thing there and uh i posted a thing about my tour and then i checked it about eight hours later and there was a one comment and it was a big paragraph. Now, look, I instinctively know usually when a comment's going to be good or bad, and if it's long, it's usually someone going, especially if it's on my Facebook fan page, someone going to go, hey, I just want to say I saw you recently. I think you're brilliant, and I'm glad that you're still going. Normally it's that, and that's exactly what I was fishing for, to be honest.

I only go to Facebook for good stuff. Yeah. This guy who wrote this comment, I've never been taken down so efficiently. I have never been... He punctured me. He talked about how he saw me two and a half years ago. He talked about pieces of material he didn't

like he said it might work in some of your student bullshit comedy nights but it's not going to work in the real and i was like why are you a fan of me on facebook and he's waited and it was like uh it was genuinely it was devastating it was like it was like um it was like the warren report or something it's like i's like I couldn't get over it. So I suppose that another person I don't want on the island is him. Yes. Yes, but often we hate what we see in ourselves. So maybe he saw himself in you.

Well, I certainly see myself in him because I'm very self-critical. Yeah, Sean, that's horrible. The thing is, normally, the thing horrible. I am, I, yeah. And the thing is, normally, the thing is you do develop a thick skin in this. And I don't really, you know, people are just not going to like you. That's fine.

And, you know, whether you're Sean McLaughlin or Blake Lively, people are going to see through you. But it was one of those where it was, there's maybe one hour every six months where I'm susceptible to it. Yeah. Yeah.

And this guy got me. He is a, whoever he is, is smart. He knows. He's a sniper. He's a sniper. Yeah. He's got me there. Yeah.

So I don't want him there. I don't want him there. Because I'm going to be, the thing is, I'm going to be, to keep up morale on the island, I'm going to be doing my act. Oh God. And this poor guy, he doesn't want you on his island. Can you imagine he's trying to have a nice time? It's the worst thing. You're doing your student bullshit.

Yeah, I go, no, no, Liz, you've got to give me a chance, actually. Also, I've worked really hard, actually, the last few years. Yeah, it's a bad mix. Online is so weird. I'm generally quite good at ignoring the comments like on Facebook I don't even really check it

but then if I upload a video on Instagram it automatically goes on Facebook and then I forget about it and then I kept getting all these messages

on Facebook that can come through on my app on my phone and then it was just like just loads of women just saying don't listen to

negative comments you've got to ignore it. Let it brush off. And I was like, thanks, guys. That's really like, why is everyone being so like, yeah, they're right. Like, I should just live my life. And then I just kept getting more and more of these messages. And I was like, wow, women are being so supportive.

And then I was like, wait, but what? What negative guy was happening? And then it was like, one of the videos had gone viral but it was like it gone viral because men were just writing how much they hate it and like how much they hate me and like how much they hate female comics and then you're like with something like that like i don't even get hurt by it because i just think it's so funny that they're just literally driving the algorithm like i think probably one of the only reasons this video did so well is because they're all just writing about how much they hate it. And then all my followers went up.

I don't. I genuinely think it never, either compliments or insults online don't get through to me. Because I always think if I believe if one of them is real, then the other one is real. That's it. So I'm always like, it doesn't, it really doesn't affect me. Apart from very occasionally when that guy fucking got me but that's the work the worst is when you get a comment i got one recently when someone said i thought i'd had a good gig and someone said i just thought the crowd would be really disrespectful

to you and i was like i was having a good gig that's the worst when you think it's gone well and they say i think it deserved more and And you're like, wait, what? There was more they could give? Yeah, I think that's the word, especially that when like you said all those people were saying. I think you need to ignore that. It's like people say stuff like, I don't care what the police are saying.

You're a good man. Sean, who's the third person? It's not an individual. I have a problem with people who cry on public transport. How are we friends? It doesn't make any sense. Opposites attract. Yeah.

Do you cry a lot on public transport? Of course, Sean. Of course. I don't think you should be crying on public transport. Where else? Where else? I can't stop it. You can't stop it. Taxi. Get a taxi. Oh, I don't think you should be crying on public transport. Where else? Where else? I can't stop it. You can't stop it.

Taxi. Get a taxi. Oh, I've cried in taxis. Yeah, taxi's fine. That's fine. Bus or tube is not fine. That's worse. The poor driver.

That's so much worse. It's more of like a full-on attack on somebody. No. Just be sat at the back going. Trying to drive. Trying to drive. I think I just, if I'm on like a train or a tube and there's someone crying, I just think, oh, fuck. Oh, God, what am I going to have to do about this?

They could have lost their whole family. They could have done, but then walk. Have a walk. Clear your head. They could have lost their whole family. They haven't lost their whole family. They haven't. They could have gone to Legoland and lost their whole family. They've lost their whole family they haven't they could have gone to lego land lost their whole family they've chipped a nail it's fine they've you think something like that would you ever speak to them or comfort them sometimes i go are you okay and they always

say i'm fine which is bollocks because i'm fine thank you you go well you're not you're crying you're it's 11 a.m and you're weeping into opacity so because I hate I hate anyone who makes me have to confront my own emotional

cowardice see there we go yeah so there we go yeah yeah because I know I know for a fact

that you're not really a crier but I do know one place that you have cried York railway museum I have cried

at the national railway museum in York. Because it was so wonderful and you couldn't believe what humanity accomplished. I was so stirred by the engineering on display. I actually fell into tears. But that's a selfish act. Yeah. Do you think me crying there has made anyone else's day better?

Maybe you make other people feel more comfortable. They could accept their emotions. There were families there. You're at home just crying in private. Mummy, mummy, why is the man crying? Just ignore him. It doesn't matter. Look at the train.

I don't know. Look, I said it's not all going to be popular. But I think if you're crying on public transport, just keep it together. You can't keep it together, Sean. You can. Sometimes you try and keep it together and things just come out. Then get off the train, get off the bus, have a cry in an alley.

In an alley? Yeah, get in an alley. That's what they're for. They're for crying. Why do you think they build all these alleys everywhere? Just for fun?

For people to cry. Stick them in the alley. They're for secret moments. Drug deals. Attacks. Cries.

That's what someone crying doesn't need. What? Attack. Give you some context. So wait, if you get on a tube. I can't help it. So wait, if you get on a tube...

I can't help it. I'm not saying you though, but what if someone else is crying? How often are you crying on a public transport? On my way here. No, so much less. But like before it was like harder to... There were just so much emotions

and sometimes they come out and you don't want to be crying and then it's worse because you're crying and everyone's uncomfortable moving away from you. Yep. Or looking at you like you. I'm not looking i help people i say what's wrong and then if someone said what was in a tone in a tone like what's wrong what's wrong would you like some tap water but if i was if someone said to you what's wrong when you're

crying on the tube what do you what did you ever tell them what was wrong or did you always say no it's fine yeah you just say it's fine. No. They don't really want to know. Well, either you're fine or you're not. But you can't hide it. This is the problem. It just comes out. You can hide it.

You can hide it. That's the whole point of life is to hide it. That's like an Irish thing or something. Okay, well. It's like a request thing. Then we all need to be more Irish. St. Patrick's Day is the best day on earth. It's ridiculous a repressed thing. Then we all need to be more Irish. St. Patrick's Day is the best day on earth. It's ridiculous.

Hide it. As far as I'm concerned, the whole point of life is to repress your emotions. And on your deathbed, let all of your loved ones know what you actually think about them.

And then burn in hell. That's the point. That is the point. Smoke, drink, lie. On your deathbed, go, never loved you. You're a disappointment to me I wish I'd ran away

when I had the chance welcome to hell fine been living there already so wait you're on this island and someone's and then you

but you you won't cry you won't cry you can't see your family I'll cry I'll go to an alley on the island there'll be an alley on the island. But also, it's like a plane crash.

There's a plane crash onto the island, right? Yeah. I always think the idea of a plane crash, the worst thing about it isn't the impending doom. There'll be at least 50 people there just crying, just this caterwauling. Yeah. I just think, think guys come on

accept your fate accept your dignity quiet dignity take it there's a there's a quiet dignity to rushing the drinks trolley and just downing everything and then just taking your top off and going right let's just are we doing this? Flow rider. Come on, get that captain. I want to see how low we can get. Come on, everyone. That's dignity. I don't know.

I don't want to sound mean. I couldn't think of a third one, but I knew there was a few things I wanted to do. No, it's very controversial and it feels personal. So, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, Sean, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? My least favourite drink is cider. Basically all ciders, particularly cheap ciders or like a strongbow. It tastes like piss. It tastes like piss. Yeah. And it tastes sort of like lucasade with like white spirit in it and i i think also i it was what i drank when i was like 15 16 and getting

hammered with my friends and i just associate it with throwing up and i and i i even the smell of it i mean i get it's very evocative smell but i could never ever put it in my body i don't think i've drank any cider for 20 years i feel like i've seen you have a cider you are incorrect you have got me confused you've got me confused with a really basic bitch. Oh, sorry. Sorry, yes, yes, yes. What about a Magnus, like sweet cider? No. Are you serious?

What, just because there's ice in a glass, it's not disgusting? The Bournemouth, and it's like a sugar, it's just sugar. Yeah, exactly, it's just sugar. I don't want that. It's so nice. Just have a Nesquik. I've seen you have a cider. I've never had a cider. what are you talking about what are you doing you love those radlers though that's like no i don't like that are you serious my wife likes red oh no actually i do like radlers a bit

thank you but they're not like side they're more like sweets they're like uh oh sweet like magnus i i rest my case fair enough get off the island it turns out i love you definitely like cheap stuff i really like the like what do you ever drink like white lightning yes or white star it was like white lightning two pounds for four gallons yes also you can't do anything with cider all the other drinks it's like you can do things with them to make them fun or make them more interesting cider it's like they go oh you're drinking it out of a two litre bottle in the park. You're drinking it out of like,

it's like Domestos or something. It's warm and yeah. And then sometimes they go, oh, you could put blackcurrant in it. Oh, yeah. That was a big thing when I was growing up. Cider and black. Snakebite. Yeah. Snakebite, cider and black. Oh, no. It's just, it's not for me. Cider. Look, I

always say, you know this, Harriet, I say it all the time, live and let live. But if I have to pick a drink I don't like, it's cider. Yeah. What's the food? I, um, this is a bad one. Me and my wife, we don't eat meat. Are you worried?

No, yeah, I was just nervous about what you were going to say. Why? I don't know. Because you said this is a bad one and then are you worried? No, yeah. I was just nervous about what you were going to say. Why? I don't know. Because you said this is a bad one and then I was like, oh my God. It's a bad one if my wife's ever listening. Oh, no. Because we don't eat meat and we cook a lot at home. My wife's an amazing cook.

She's so brilliant. She can just make anything into something interesting and delicious and then so often she's made a meal that's like 99 perfect and then she puts aubergine in it and i'm like all right cool let's um let's flush that down the toilet you hate aubergine i hate aubergine why is she making it for you aka eggplant yeah to the North American layman we call them aubergine in Europe

why is she why is she making it for you well aubergine she's not making it for me she's just making it she's making it I don't tell her that I hate it

because I'm a good husband and an ally wait she doesn't know that you hate aubergine? No, she doesn't. All she knows is whenever we go shopping, I've never put aubergine in the basket, ever.

She eats aubergine loads. We have aubergine, I think, every day. And it's really healthy. It's really great. Yeah. And it's versatile in the sense that there's a lot of ways of it ruining food. But I don't like the texture texture I don't like how it looks

she comes in she goes can you slice the aubergine that's my least favourite process in my life I'd honestly rather like

clear out like a goat's asshole I'd rather she be like oh there's a goat outside can you clear out its asshole Sean you just have to say something why are you repressing everything

because should I text her right now no don't text her I can text her right now don't text her if you text her so help me God I'm going to put you

in this island no because because she loves it and it's good for digestion so I eat it but I don't like it do you like aubergine yes I love aubergine

what do you like it in when it's the aubergine? Yes, I love aubergine. What do you like it in? When it's the aubergine parmesan-ia, you know, at Peter Express. Gosh, here we go. Are you sponsored by Peter Express? No, I wish. My gold membership, you know, my gold membership. Yeah. They've revoked it.

Why? Because you're eating too much. Let's give her a silver comment now. Oh my God. It's a death warrant. We're going to get sued here. Yeah, but like that's nice because of the Parmesan, right? Imagine if it was anything else.

I don't like Parmesan actually, but I swear I'll have it without the Parmesan. So you just have aubergine? You can have mozzarella, aubergine, mozzarella, and then empanada. Imagine if it was anything else other than aubergine. Would you say it's as good as it was, the same as it was, or worse than it was? I have to say it is the aubergine for me. I'm sure there are ways of aubergine being nice. And one day you'll find them.

I'm sure I have found them and I'm just choosing to forget them. But I really find it a struggle I always if I have like a curry or a stew and there's aubergine in it I always eat the aubergine straight away

all of it I pick it out I don't tell my wife I'm doing anything you don't Sean you don't have to live like this I do have to live like this

you don't like this is what life is about pushing it down getting through it on my deathbed what do you think I'm going to say to my wife never liked aubergine

see you in hell Sean Sean loves omelettes and through it on my deathbed. What do you think I'm going to say to my wife? Never liked aubergine. See you in hell. Sean loves omelettes and he's not allowed to buy them. And sometimes he buys them. Okay, well I really, this is going to be a lot of tense

conversations in the McLaughlin household. My wife is vegan, I'm vegetarian. But I don't eat eggs. At home, we have always a vegan home and I'm very happy. You just have three omelettes a day out on the town. I just go out and I buy an omelette. And if my wife knew how often I was doing it,

it's curtains for me. It's curtains. It's just so funny to treat yourself with an omelette. That's your rebellion. I disguise myself. I wear like Groucho glasses and nose, tip hat, collar up, eating an omelette in the next postcode. It's literally like if I,

when I'm eating an omelette, I'm in the same emotional space as if I'm like, I owe the mob money. And I've gone to the bookies. omelette i'm in the same emotional space as if i'm like i owe the mob money yeah and i've got and i'm like what if someone sees me or i'm out on the racetrack trying to win back the money like oh god what if a gangster sees i'm behind a hedge taking a photo of you yeah exactly scuffing down your omelette sending it straight over yeah yeah yeah so yeah that's what i like an omelette and i don't like an aubergine.

And you know what? If that's a crime, then lock me up, throw away the key. That's what I say. I wish I liked aubergine. It's very healthy. I mean, I eat them a lot. I eat them a lot. You shouldn't, Sean.

And I like every other vegetable, basically. I like every other food, effectively. I just don't like aubergine. You don't have to. You don't have to, but stop eating it if you don't like it. Is that what the show is? People say things they don't like aubergine. You don't have to. You don't have to, but stop eating it if you don't like it. Is that what the show is? People say things they don't like and you go, oh, you just don't have to interact with them. No one else has behaved like this.

No one else. We've never had in-view like this before, let me tell you. This is new. This is shocking. Sean, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Could you say this with a bit more verve? Sean, unfortunately...

Good grief. Sean, fortunately, is that what you want? What do you mean by verve? I just mean you sound like you really are not enjoying this. This interview? Yeah. Well, words can't lie. You won't be without entertainment on the

island the blaze entertainment system continues to work but just your luck sean it only has two working settings one has your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why oh thank you i really have a problem with the song Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. Do you know that song? Sweet Caroline. Bam, bam, bam. Yeah, yeah. That's the one.

I think it's a bit of a – it's always been a lame song. And in the last sort of five years, ten years, 10 years, it's sort of been repurposed as this sort of mating call for the British twat. You know what I mean? Like whenever there's wankers. Fingers up. Both fingers up. Wherever there are wankers,

I think, oh God, it's going to come out. And when I start hearing that song in a pub or if I'm at a sporting event and my spider sense is tickling, I'm like, there's trouble brewing here. Yes. I really – and I feel like its prevalence in society is going up and up and up. People are acting like, oh, it's a classic song that we've always sang in big crowds. This is a very recent development

and we don't have to live like this. Has Trump used it at a rally? It wouldn't surprise me. If he has, then I finally found something I disagree with him on. And I tell you, the worst thing about it

is I was at a football match last year. It was a big football match for the team. They won the game and there was a big celebration in the stands afterwards. And they were playing all those like, uh, all the traditional songs that idiots sing at football games. And they played that. And I was like,

and I did sing along. And I, every second I was singing along, I thought you're really letting yourself down there, Sean. You're really, I re I find it so cringeworthy. I thought you're really letting yourself down here Sean you're really I find it so cringeworthy

I think it's really sad because also you're not listening to that song who's listening to who's at home listening to I only know

yeah I only know Sweet Caroline and then bam bam bam and then I just that's on a loop does it go touching me touching

or does it go loving me what's the bit before there's knowing me knowing you which is ABBA touching me touching you Touching me, touching, or as I go, loving me. What's the bit before? It's knowing me, knowing you, which is ABBA. Touching me, touching you is the darkness. It's another thing. Holding hands.

Oh, I really don't like it. I really find it corrosive and scary. Don't you? No, I've never thought about it. I've just been one of those wankers i am the wanker correct but i but where but where have you but where are you getting it because maybe you're maybe it's being played in nice settings as like a sort of no i'm on a dance floor. I'm fucked. Okay, what movie? I love all film.

Okay. I don't like... It's a film. I mean, I love the Godfather films. I really love the Godfather 1 and 2. I think they're still brilliant. And they're still... Yeah, everyone calls them masterpieces. I think the problem with The Godfather 1 and 2. I think they're still brilliant. And they're still, yeah, everyone calls them masterpieces. I think the problem with The Godfather is I feel like it really popularised this. Have you seen The Godfather films?

Yes. Yes. And what did you think of them? Quite violent. Oh, quite violent, yeah. But I liked them, yeah. There's a lot of artistry there, a lot of sweetness. Yeah, I like the romance.

And it is romantic. But there's also, the whole thing there a lot of sweetness yeah I like the romance and it is romantic but there's also the whole thing is it's about respect yeah and I think now it's like all these mob films always like

respect respect respect yeah I like that yeah as somebody that's never had any respect never had any respect it's hard to relate yeah

I watch it and I go what are they talking about I go you're taking me out of the film here you've never been respected. I don't understand what that concept is. It's so hard. It's hard to relate for you.

I find it really difficult because no one respects me. Why is she feeding me aubergine again? How many times do I have to say? No, this is the problem. You've never said it. This is the problem. No, I've said it. You have said it.

I've said it. You've said it. I think I would get rid of the only bits that would be... No, no, the third one's bad. It is bad. But also all the stuff about, like, they're killing people, but they're like, oh, he disrespected me. And I think that sort of conditions something in people,

and it's particularly men, where they're like, oh, respect is the most important thing in the world. It's made up. Respect is a lie. Yeah. You know, it's not real. That should be your cause. It's like dignity or, you know, left-handed people.

They're not real. That's what you should fight for. What? The dignity-less, respect-less men. There's a lot of men who don't get any respect. And we deserve a film too. Yes, yes. Yeah.

Like if someone says to me, like I don't get respected all the time. I'm not out there killing people. Of course. And if I did, I'd be like, they didn't respect me. They go,

sure, it doesn't matter if they haven't respected you. No one respects you. The judge doesn't respect you. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go.

That's probably what I'd have, I'm afraid. What do you think about that? Because you're widely respected, Harriet. It's hard for me to relate. Yeah, it is, isn't it? I'm afraid. What do you think about that? Because you're widely respected, Harriet. It's hard for me to relate. Yeah, it is, isn't it? I'm so respected. You watch The Godfather, you go,

oh yeah, this is because of my scientific studies. I think it's very interesting. I think that is an interesting concept and I do agree about the thing about men needing respect and that is the worst thing that can happen if somebody could disrespect them or they could be humiliated or embarrassed. I think men aren't very good at that emotion.

I, meanwhile, constantly embarrassing myself and it's freeing. I live in shame and it's a wonderful place to live. And this is what I'm saying. This is what we should, this is an important thing for society. People should be, you should embarrass yourself more.

You should embrace your lack of dignity. That's what I don't like. I mean, even bringing it back to the Ryan Reynolds thing. I look at him and I think you're so scared of being vulnerable. And any time he's self-deprecating in an interview, it's always in such a specific... He's like, yeah, and I fell over and I couldn't even do the stunt the first time.

You know? It's like, but no, you're not actually... Like, I'm a disgrace. Yeah. I'm a disgrace. You. I'm a disgrace. You don't need to say it twice. Thank you. I said yes the first time.

Finally, Sean, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. What is it and why? Oh, you're not going to like this one. Oh, God. Badly trained city. Fuck off, Sean! I was going to say, fuck off. That's so rude.

I'm not talking about your dog. It's interesting that you're talking about your dog. It's interesting that you're talking about your dog. He pissed in your house three times. Every dog that has ever been in my house has pissed in it. Every dog that has ever been in my house has pissed in it. And that is disrespectful. That's disrespectful.

And those dogs should be put down. Every dog. And they've always... Whether they've. And those dogs should be put down. Every dog. And they've always, whether they've had no training or they've had loads of training, they always piss in my house. Yes. What is that? So what does that say about your house? What does that say about you?

I thought it was full of newspaper. I like to keep up on current events. This is a pile of sawdust in the corner. No, look. I think your dog has got a lot better, first of all. And actually, your dog borderline charmed me the other day. Yeah, you will not watch him anymore, look. I think your dog has got a lot better, first of all. And actually, your dog Borderline charmed me the other day. Yeah, you will not watch him anymore, though. That was a one-time only.

I just think the city dogs are just, they're not built for city life. And I don't know what the fuck we're doing. If I was the mayor of London, I'd ban all dogs. Sean! Apart from police dogs. This is because, I think I know why this is because. It's because... Because they're violent,

violent smelly thugs. You keep saying you're allergic to Sonny and I keep saying it's impossible because he's hypoallergenic. Yeah, you say that he's hypoallergenic, but I went round, I was pretty sure I was, I mean, you saw I was having a visceral

allergic reaction. It's mental. It's a mental thing. It might be. Yeah, it's not real because it can't be because he's literally hypoallergenic. You're not allergic to him. What does that mean? Someone just told you that. It's a mental thing. It might be. Yeah, it's not real because it can't be. Because he's literally hypoallergenic. You're not allergic to him.

What does that mean? Someone just told you that. He doesn't have the dander that you're allergic to. The what? It's impossible. The dander? Yes, it's called dander what you're allergic to. He doesn't have it.

You can't be. You're making yourself cry. Every time you come to my house, you're making yourself cry. Every time I come to your house, I'm making myself cry is a sentence I'm 100% on board with. Look, my hatred of dogs has ceased significantly as I've aged. Yeah. I didn't grow up with dogs. I feel like dogs were not as popular as they are now.

I'm a cat man. I'm a cat man I'm a cat cat man I'll have everything to do with cats like stroking them like watching them some dogs if they're well behaved there's nothing better than a well behaved dog

but there's also nothing worse than a dog that is terribly behaved and their owner doesn't seem to care you are surrounded by those

and I am living in London surrounded by idiot. And I am living in London surrounded by idiot young professionals. All of your friends have these dogs. My idiot friends with these disgusting mongrels. It's so, the most antisocial

thing. They don't help anyone. I don't feel safer as a result. Some of those kids around here, this is going to kill a kid. Sunny, what's Sunny going to do? Sunny's not going to kill a kid. Sunny couldn't kill a fly,

and I've seen him try. But I think, I mean, do you feel that about other dogs? Especially when they're big. At least you've got like a small catherpill. Yeah, I make a, it's difficult when I've got Mabel and I've got the dog,

and you're walking down, and then they're like, like I've picked up Mabel before, like when we've seen a big dog and they're like, she's fine. You can trust her. And it's like, I'm not taking your fucking word for that. Yeah, I don't. Because also you, the thing is, is their owners love their dogs. Yeah. And so they go, oh, my dog's perfect.

Yeah. Your dog is a, it's evolution. It's a killer. It's bread to kill. It's bread to kill. It's bred to kill. And it's bred to eat and fart and poop in my front room. What was it with Sonny when you watched Sonny? You would take him outside and then he'd look at you. And then you'd take him back in and then he'd immediately piss on the floor.

Yeah, that was it. I took your dog out so many times. I'd be like, oh, I think he needs to pee now. And he wouldn't even run around. He'd just sit there. He'd sit there. Quite intimidating. Why am I intimidated

by a half a foot tall Furby? He's a tiny little Cavapoo. And then I bring it in and he's just pissing everywhere. And I'm meant to be like, this is fun. I suppose this is part of urban life. It's horrible. Okay. I'm very sorry, everyone.

I'm sure you're, look, listeners and Harriet, I'm sure your dog is great. Yeah, Sunny's not going on your island. Sunny's not going on my island? Absolutely not. I don't want Sunny on my island. Sunny's great. Sean, thanks for coming on

I feel like I'm going to lose sales as a result Sean is one of the funniest stand-ups in the country that is genuinely

true I hate to admit it but it's genuinely true and he is touring his show this

year 2025 and you've just got to Thank you. It's genuinely true. And he is touring his show this year, 2025. Yep. And you've just got to go to see him to believe it. You won't believe what this former child star looks like now. You won't believe it. And if you want to see it, you must go and see me on tour. He's incredibly funny.

Thank you. Where can people get tickets? SeanMcLaughlinComedy.com, which is quite long. And people don't know how to spell my name. Yeah, so Sean is S-E-A-N. That is... Well, look at the episode title. Oh, yes.

And then type in what we write. We might write it wrong, though. You might write it wrong. I mean, you've written your name once today in my presence and you got that wrong, so who knows? But someone the other day wrote to me on Facebook and they spelt my name right. And then they said afterwards,

oh, sorry for spelling your name wrong. I was like, you spelt it right. What is going on here? I find the world very confusing. Please do see me on tour. You can bring your dog if you want. I'm very sorry. I feel it's a very unpopular opinion,

the one I have about city dogs. It's mainly the badly trained ones. If they're well trained, I like them. Why don't you just go home and cry about it? Thanks, everybody. You can find Sean also on Instagram, at Sean McLaughlin. Comedy.

Comedy. Thanks for coming, Sean. Thanks, Harriet. Bye-bye. Bye.