Desert Island Dicks - SEANN WALSH

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

Dan is joined by comedian Seann Walsh, and together they roll up their sleeves, reach into a big sack of dicks and pull out a bunch to discuss for your listening pleasure. Like this? Then come and see us live on the 1st and 2nd December at 21 Soho - link below, or find us on Twitter and Instagram @dickspod. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features comedian Sean Walsh. You know who he is. He's been on the telly. He's a funny guy.

And the thing about funny people is that they make very good guests for comedy podcasts. So hopefully you'll enjoy this one as much as I did recording it. If you enjoy this podcast, or even if you're new to this podcast, if if you find that you enjoyed it then why not come and see it in real life. We're doing two live shows at 21 Soho in London on the 1st and 2nd of December. Our guest on the 1st is Fern Brady who's brilliant if you want to check out her stuff she's got a special on iPlayer at the moment and on the 2nd we've got the amazing Stephen K. Amos. Both nights should be great. It'd be lovely to see you there.

There are some tickets left. They're going quickly though, so just get in there. Don't wait for payday. Just go and get them and use it as a big excuse to round up your mates and start the festive season early by going out and having a laugh. And yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. I'm very excited about it.

Tickets for that you can find the link in the description of this podcast you can also find the link on our socials at Dickspod on Instagram and Twitter so go on there get a ticket and I hope to meet you in real life at some point. Right on with the show this is Desert Island Dicks with Sean Walsh. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and host of the What's Upset You Now podcast, Sean Walsh. How are you doing? I'm very well, thank you. It's a pleasure

to be here. I'm very much looking forward to talking about the dicks that I don't want on my island. This is basically what I think about on a minute-to-minute basis every day. Good. Well, I like to think it's a cathartic exercise for some because doing this podcast a lot, you can sometimes feel like you're only putting negativity out into the world. So if it feels like there's some kind of silver lining to the process then that that makes me feel a bit better yes so did you find it an easy process kind of whittling down your dicks for the island um well there uh i think i could probably do this podcast just sort of constantly forever if you just sort of press record um around me when i'm talking so to to narrow it down to three um i've just done it to be honest i've just done a lottery

there are millions and millions of things that could be on this island i've just randomly selected three of them i feel the same i did this so i'm the second host of this podcast when in the very first episode when our previous host, James, hosted it, I did the first one with him as a sort of a pilot, and I had my turn. And, yeah, ever since then, every time I hear another episode, I'm like, damn it, that's who should have gone in. Why did I pick them? Yes.

What happened to James? Well, no, he is still involved. He's not died on it. I haven't thrown him off in some podcast power struggle. Good to hear. That's the sort of most 2021 kind of reason for killing someone is like podcast rival. Yes. All right, well, let's get straight into it then. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island well it's a type of person actually and there's many of them and uh

i've had to interact i've had the displeasure of having to interact with many of them over the last i'd say year um maybe couple of years but the year the last year it's become very um prominent and and these are the people these are the owners of Fitbits. What is it particularly that annoys you about them? Basically the owners of Fitbits need to know that how many steps they've done isn't as interesting for everyone else. I just don't know when it became acceptable for someone to just interrupt you halfway through a conversation

to tell you how many steps they've done. If I've not asked you how many steps you've done, probably don't tell me. Why would I be interested in how many steps you've done? I wasn't interested in how many steps you've done? I wasn't interested in how many steps you've done before there was a technological device that could tell you. I'm not suddenly interested now that you've got this magic wristband. I just very rarely want to know how many steps anyone's done, ever, I don't think I do. Unless you've just gotten out of a wheelchair.

You've miraculously, you're able to walk. Then I'd be quite impressed and pleased for you and really, really over the moon. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Tim, you're walking again. It's like, yeah, I've done 48 steps already today. You're like, that's great. Because yesterday you couldn't do any in 48.

That's amazing. That's fantastic. Well, you know, I'm so pleased for you. This is one. Let me get you a coffee. Let's celebrate. Have a pan of raisin. Let's go mad.

But otherwise, just keep it to yourself. No one is interested. I'm certainly not. Yeah. The weird thing I find as well is like, I think they tell you about how you're sleeping, which is sort of, you know that it's happened. So it's like, it's telling you about something that's already been.

You're like, oh, well, how can I improve last night's sleep? Well, I can't because I've had it now. Yeah. Unless they're trying to accumulate. We've entered this weird realm now where we're trying to accumulate sleep over a lifetime yeah so it's not we're not we're not calculating it daily we're doing it sort of over months how much sleep have you had this month yeah because it's like well i felt like i slept all right but it's telling me i slept a shorter period in this stage of sleep so

maybe it wasn't enough do you feel okay do you feel tired because that's been enough for humanity for like however long we've been on this planet like are you feeling a bit tired well you're probably tired exactly i mean i think you've you've there you've hit the nail on the head haven't you it's we got this far without how there are certain things you know advances technological especially advances that i think have really have served us well but i i think we we can go further throughout humanity without knowing anyone's step count or indeed sleep count we don't we don't need it it's not bringing anything to i mean just like you know just get up and go for a

fucking walk that you know what just do you really need this respect that you're sitting we're now at a stage where we've we've monetized walking how can we how can we make money off people what if we tell them how much they've done that thing that they were gonna do anyway a lot of people have a watch as well so then you're like why have you got two watches oh no now i've asked you about your fitbit oh god because at least if it's just one you think they've got a fitbit don't mention it but when you go oh you've got two digital oh no you haven't fuck yes and on the island they're gonna be, yeah, run around the island this many times. Did you know if you take the less rocky route, it's 1,400 steps. But actually, if you go by the sandy a bit, it feels slower, but it's actually five steps quicker.

Yes. What happens is, with Fitbit owners, is sometimes you'll be in their company when they sort of exceed their own expectations. I mean, people used to just go, people used to just go, oh, I've walked a lot today. Oh, a bit knackered. That was it. It's now, oh, look at that, I've done 21,000 steps.

Have you? Well, don't let me stop you. Carry on. See what you can get up to. And when you get there, bore the shit out of someone else. I remember like a while ago, like occasionally I'd like, look at how many steps I've done. I was like, okay, right.

Just as a sort of a ballpark thing. And then when lockdown started, I was like, I wonder what it's like now. And it was like 30 steps a day or something. Cause I was just in my flat working from home. And I was like, it wasn't enough that I knew that I hadn't just gone to the gym. I now knew that I'd also done a pathetic amount of movement. Yes. Which, you know, it really sort of visualised it for me.

It made me feel even worse. Absolutely. The other thing is, it's just a fad. It's just one of these fads. We'll be looking back going, oh, do you remember that bit when everyone had a wristband that told them how many steps they'd done? That was stupid, wasn't it?

Because also what the Fitbit does, as far as I can tell, from many of my friends that own one, is that as soon as they've sort of met whatever it is, their 10,000 steps, they feel like they've earned the right to then have eight donuts. And obviously what's going to happen is because, you know, the company,

I don't know if it's fitbit whatever it is they'll they'll need to sell more so they'll they'll do that thing that beard trimmers do and shavers they'll go oh you know the last one yeah no ignore that that was rubbish that i know we told you that that was the most advanced thing and that's all you were ever going to need in your life we got it wrong sorry this one this is what we're doing now. And it'll be measuring something else. I don't know the angle at which you keep your elbows when you're walking on some needless bollocks that we didn't need to know.

So yeah, if we could just make sure the Fitbit is not on the island with me, that would make my stay a lot more pleasurable. Okay, well, yeah. A person wearing a Fitbit goes on the island with you and who's going to be joining the two of you? Well, this is a recent sort of annoyance because it's something that's only happening to,

I think tends to happen to people when they get into their 30s. I'm at the mid 30s stage of life. And basically the rest of the people that aren't allowed on the island with me are friends they are friends of mine that

I don't always say have children you're allowed children but try and put me on the phone to their children when I'm on the phone with them fair enough do you have any of these children friends um well I've yeah I've got both I mean I've got two children and I've got friends but I think do you do this to your friends do you punish your friends no because like I'm I'm very aware that nobody cares about what my kids think

or say you know like if it's family good you know or if they specifically asked about them or i've told but i still won't put them on i might be on facetime be like okay you know say hello but that's it you know they're not sitting there no even that no no no no no even that you're now not allowed on the island you're not no no even that i don't i i i my view is i sort of realized this was a thing recently when my my friend james uh he's got a couple of daughters i was trying to talk to him on the phone i was trying to catch up i called him and and and then he was stopping the conversation again they're like fitbit owners just sort of stopping the conversation he was going oh jemma jemma oh look

how sweet that is oh and then he explained to me that Gemma was trying to lift one of his weights that was too heavy for Gemma and I thought well if I wanted to know that I would have called Gemma no that's fair I mean I try and do it like it's a you know literally like a glance at them if they've asked specifically oh if they've asked yeah if they've asked fine yeah it's it's something that they don't teach you in sort of antenatal classes where it's like nobody gives a fuck about your kids absolutely they will be the most important things in the world to you but to you to you only yes i have it where i'll be at the pub with my friends and you know like our kids

will be there and i'll see my wife, cuddling our friend's new baby, and I never do. And people are like, don't you like babies? And it's like, yeah, of course, I've had two. But it's the same with, like, yeah, my friend's kids, I like them if they're there in the house playing with my kids. But otherwise, I don't need to know. Exactly that. And what does a 35-year-old man have to say to a four-year-old girl? So yeah, I mean, in order for them to still be this person,

I think we need to, you can only talk to your friends who are there if they're simultaneously on a phone to their family off the desert island. Yes. I think that's how we get around it. Fine. That still sounds quite irritating. Okay.

All right. Well, we've got one final person joining you before we move on to the other category so who's going to round off the trio of dicks the final uh third in the trilogy of dicks are uh there's quite a few of these people nowadays and these are um again owners um owners of the choose love t-shirt okay okay and what is it that annoys you the most about these people well first of all do you own one I don't know you looked at me like worried there for a second um do you you don't own a fits bit either do you no no and you don't own a Fitbit either, do you? No, no. And you don't put your friends on the phone to your kids?

I try not to, no. Okay, all right. You're doing really well on your own podcast. Thanks. So, first of all, I don't like being told what to choose. So I think there's something sort of confrontational. It's a bit ironic about someone, you just meet someone and instantly they're just telling you to choose love and I think there are situations absolutely in which you should choose love

I think you know your parents, your children, your partner, your best friends absolutely I probably wouldn't go as far as thy neighbour but it really is contextual. I don't want to be told to choose love constantly all the time. The irony is you're wearing a choose love T-shirt and now I certainly don't choose love. Love is absolutely the wrong emotion to be bringing to the situation. Maybe a better T-shirt is I choose love. And also, I don't believe you. I feel like there's something, someone having to wear a T-shirt saying choose love.

I feel like they're probably the most evil people in the world. But you do get angry though,'t you sometimes i'm sure you're not always the bigger man and you're wearing that t-shirt like yeah it's not like you've always chosen love exactly precisely we all get pissed off though don't we you could have been nicer to that shopkeeper that time when like whatever happened you know exactly and you'll have enemies life unfortunately serves you narratives where in which there will be enemies in your story. That's life.

Life isn't just... It doesn't work like that. It's much more complicated. I think maybe the T-shirt should be, I try and choose love where I can. Yeah, yeah. Try and be a bit better. I know.

Be polite. Yeah. But even then, don't I know. Be polite. Yeah. But even then, don't tell me to be polite. Maybe the situation is that, you know, where politeness would be completely useless and not the right situation. So just don't tell me what to do. Why don't you just...

Here we go. Why don't you just choose love yourself not bang on about it keep it to yourself and and maybe if you're with a close friend sort of say you know I tend to choose love where I where I can in life and don't inflict that on me the person that doesn't know you it's a kind of clothing equivalent of like give peace a chance the song yeah yes and it might just be the ones that i've met but the ones that i've met with choose love t-shirts always seem to have a really sort of angry side to them i have a feeling because it's a charity isn't it like you buy a t-shirt and proceeds go towards i think it might is it to do with refugees well Well, hold the phone. I didn't know that bit.

So can we just take back everything that I've said? What I was going to say is you can just give the money to charity, though. I gave some money to refugees the other day, but I don't have a T-shirt. You can probably just tick a box that says, don't send me the T-shirt. Yes. t-shirt you probably just tick a box that says don't send me the t-shirt yes okay so what we want is a t-shirt now that says um choose a charity and give money to them yeah yeah all right fine charities benefit from our money yeah i don't know yeah or just a blank one and then if we get into a conversation about politics you can say well recently i donated to a refugee fund

um i don't even want to know that actually if you could if you just keep that to yourself as well that'd be great so what we're saying is t-shirts yes you can wear t-shirts yes yeah so so so wear t-shirts and have normal conversations keep it light yes maybe just a t-shirt saying keep it light mate yes yeah that's i'd much prefer that lovely okay all right well choose life t-shirt saying, keep it light, mate. Yes, yeah, I'd much prefer that. Lovely. Okay, all right. Well, Choose Life T-shirt wearing people join you on the island. Okay, now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Well, I'm going to have to put, and this isn't great if you're stranded on an island, but whole fish. I don't want to, when I'm about to eat, see the face of the thing that I'm about to eat staring at me with an open mouth and massive eyes yeah um it's actually terrifying you wouldn't do that with any you know it's quite a grotesque image so i do apologize but you know if you had a burger and it was just a cow's head looking at you in between two buns i doubt that would be as

appetizing as as you know as a standard burger in the way it comes unless you are some sort of psychopath i have had it though in a restaurant not with a burger but um i went to like a chinese restaurant with some family and it was like a big chinese banquet and one of the dishes was like a whole plate full of like chicken and they'd left they'd left their head on it oh my god the chinese are so much less squeamish than we are about food so you're like my father-in-law's chinese and like i've i've had to really up my game in the 16 years that me and my wife have been together right to just sort of like don't flinch and i just thought you know what i get it when it's a whole fish because it's like

it's easier to just slap it on a plate but like the chicken you've already cut the rest of it up like it we don't need the chicken we don't need yes and in my head it no you know when someone dies in a cartoon they have those little crosses on their eyes yes in my head that's what it had yes it was it's a horrific because we sort of tend to um maybe in the west we tend to almost pretend that we're not eating an animal i mean we have different names for the you know once they become the meat this sort of name tends to get changed to so that we can forget about the the the brutality but uh so i just yeah i don't want to look and it's the same with prawn you know like shellfish prawns like don't make me do the work i mean now i feel like

i'm sort of part of this this murder scene i don't i don't i i i'm not vegan the only reason i'm not vegan is basically because i'm it's just it's just because i'm too lazy and i do prefer to forget um where where this meat has come from, if I can. I think there would be a lot less meat eaters in the country if, you know, for say, example, in McDonald's, you could see what was happening to the animals out back, you know, sort of behind the machine where they slide the burgers down. I like to pretend that I'm not eating animals, basically.

So don't make me bloody peel off the fucking shells, for God's sake. But it is just, that's the thing about like, you know, I'm fine killing a fish and eating it. But like, if I get served that, it's just a fucking hassle. Like we had it recently. My wife cooked two whole fish. And every time this has happened, she's really good at just getting the bones out neatly. And has this way she can do it and i can't and i'm just sitting there just like

and can you get the bones out of my fish please darling and it's like i'm 39 years old and i'm getting my wife to cut my food up for me and it's like yeah just you know is this what this fish died for so he's a fucking idiot as do i get his wife to take the bones out why have they not why have they stopped preparing the food at this point you take the shell i mean you've done everything else you've been it's you've basically made your job easier that's what you've done you've gone oh fuck it i can't be bothered you finish the rest no no you do i'm paying for the service yeah also the way their eyes go kind of white you know the fish oh my god oh my god no i once i genuinely once um when i did this is so stupid many years ago i i ordered

a whole fish i didn't realize what whole fish meant it's so stupid now but i just sort of i don't know what i thought i just assumed that it wouldn't come with the head on. And I was sat down talking to my friend who was sat opposite me and they placed the fish down with the head. And I jumped up, screamed and ran out of the restaurant. It should just be like a whole fish's worth of fish. You know, like you go to Nambos and you order like half a chicken and chips. They don't saw a chicken in half.

Yeah. Leave you a side of feathers. Yeah. That's exactly what I thought. No, thank you. That's a very good example. That's what I thought. Yeah.

A fish's worth of meat. Yes. But it is annoying. I get it. And yeah, obviously on a desert island, you're going to have to contend with that a lot. And it's just like its own kind of purgatory, is it? Like, you know, you're really hungry,

but you have to peel every prawn. Well, no, I don't think I could. I'm one of those, but I'm very squeamish and I don't like touching the shells and faces looking at me whilst I eat their dead bodies. No, no, I couldn't do it. I just have to eat the coconuts. Fair enough. And what would you wash that meal down with then?

What would your drink choice be? Well, the dick drink would be maybe herbal tea. What's your beef with herbal tea? Do you know what? I drink it when I want a hot drink. I drink herbal tea when I want a hot drink. I don't want hot chocolate because, you know, the amount of sugar. I can't have a coffee because it's too late and I can't have a tea because it's too late.

So I go for a herbal tea. But I'd be lying if I told you I ever enjoyed one. I don't believe anyone, including yourself, if that person is you, I don't believe anyone that says they've ever enjoyed a herbal tea. I don't even know really why I drink it. Yeah, as I said, it's something hot that's not going to keep me up. I just say, like, sweat. You know when you've, like, filled a bottle of water

that's had, like, squash in it or something, and there's, like, the distant memory of, like, the tango or like squash in it or something and there's like the distant memory of like the tango or whatever was in it yes in your water there's like the tea equivalent of that absolutely you're spot on the thing about the milk in a tea and then you know the herbal teas don't you know you don't tend to have them with the milk is that is the milk cools the tea down if you ever get served a herbal tea in a cafe or something it's then sort of 10 minutes before you can touch it anyway because you're just being served a cup of boiling hot water yeah of course i can't drink yeah they're rubbish i remember i was like in morocco and

they're everywhere they bring you like mint tea with every meal if you ask her or not they were and you kind of go oh this is wonderful oh you know maybe when i get home i'll try this it's just it's entirely contextual you get home it's shit it doesn't it's no good it's nice because you're in morocco you're on holiday yes there's like lovely smells and sights and things you get home it's just shit again it's just water with leaves and it's too hot absolutely agree fruit. Fruit should not be in tea. Fair enough. A good argument and well made. You're a podcast listener

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to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay. Now, fortunately, Sean, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, there's a film that I ended up going to see at the cinema

a few years ago. And unfortunately, it's more this type of film because I walked out of this film. It was called A Ghost Story. It was with Casey Affleck. It was sort of an arthouse film. It was playing at the Gateck. It was sort of an art house film. It was playing at the Gate Cinema

in Notting Hill. So this sort of, you know, art house, sort of independent cinema. And, it's just one of these films

where you're meant to enjoy the fact that they've not cut at some point. They've not had an edit. You're meant to enjoy that it's one shot. And you're meant to enjoy the fact that they've not cut at some point. They've not had an edit. You're meant to enjoy that it's one shot. And you're meant to look and go, look how brilliant this is.

The camera's not moved. And we've been looking at nothing happening for eight minutes straight. Isn't this fantastic? It's just absolute self-indulgent bollocks. And I absolutely despise it. And I think I swore as I walked out of the cinema because I don't believe, it's a bit like the herbal tea. I don't actually believe that anyone really genuinely,

if they were honest with themselves, would say that they enjoyed that type of film. It's just the status that it gives you as a person to go i really felt i thought do you know what it's and it's probably my background and stuff i'm not you know a lot of my friends are uh from the the middle class universe but i think as soon as you veer into films where people say, come out and say, I think that was really interesting.

I think as soon as a film is really interesting, I don't want to fucking know. I don't want to know that it was interesting. I'm not here to be interested. I'm here to be entertained. So why don't you put an edit in you pretentious wanker? Being the person who hates the film when everyone else likes it

as well is such an awful thing. Because if it's like Star Wars or something and you go, I enjoyed it, someone else didn't. You're like, okay, that's fine. Let's talk about that

because no one's better or worse than anyone else. But if it's a film like that, it's like, well, you didn't like it because you didn't understand. Absolutely. Absolutely. Maybe that's the truth. Maybe there is a bit of, you know, it's like well you didn't like it because you didn't understand and absolutely absolutely maybe that's the truth maybe there is a bit of you know of me that is angry at myself and maybe

i shouldn't be allowed on the island or myself or or i'm a dick i mean i am a dick and i've got to spend yeah i mean i will have to spend the entire time on the island of myself that's the punishment maybe i am angry that i don't understand it but i just I just can't believe I mean one of my best friends my oldest friend he's into those sorts of films and he basically hates any film that makes sense and as soon as it doesn't make sense I don't to be honest with you I don't really like films that are you know that films are up for interpretation I don't really want to have to fucking interpret it, why don't you interpret it before

you write it you prick I mean this isn't really an example of something that's difficult but you know Tenet the film Tenet and it's an action film that's not meant to be like a it's not like an art house film it's an action film but I finished it and I was like, I don't know what happened.

And my wife was sort of like reading up about it and wanting to talk about it. And I was just like, I don't care. I'm tired now. I didn't understand it. It's just making me feel thick. Yes. I shouldn't have to read all these fucking articles

about what's going on. I went to the cinema to get out of reading. And now I've got to start reading about the film that I just saw to try and work it out. Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, no. You know, we are a contradictory species in saying that. I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on during Tenet,

but I enjoyed it. I suppose at least there were edits. Yeah, well, at least there's sort of like stuff happening and there's like an action scene or whatever and you can sort of, it's like, you know, if you're listening to someone explain something complicated, you're like, if I don't think too hard, I reckon I can just about get it.

Yes. If I stop and start thinking about it, I'll lose my train. It's those films. So Ghost Story represents, and obviously Tenet didn't suffer from this, so Ghost Story represents those films that have, it's another thing that annoys me it's part of the same thing big gaps of silence in between actors saying their lines i just don't think i just don't think that actually fucking happens and it can't just be me you have a bit of thinking time but we're impulsive you know

instinctive creatures we want to get off our chest you know we want to get it off our chest as soon as possible the thing that we think there isn't this big pause it doesn't happen stop wanking yeah well i think you make a good case for that and having to watch that with a load of dicks on an island as well and listen to their interpretation oh no awful fair enough okay and what would your song choice be song choice again i'm afraid i'm not going to give you a particular song it what it's a genre i actually don't know what it's called I might be, it might be I'm going to say it, Power Ballads what it is, these big songs

where the chorus is really big, Whitney Houston I mean I don't know if that's you're allowed to say Whitney Houston because she's passed away Well she did Power Ballads, you know like I Will Always Love You, that's a power ballad Yes, I can't bear that music i cannot bear that to me it's just you're shouting

it's impressive shouting or you know i can't do it um it's very impressive but you know it is regardless it is it's still shouting you're just shouting. It's really annoying. If you do love him, just say it. I think there's like a reason people like those songs more when they're very drunk. I used to sort of DJ at friends' weddings and stuff like that. Pretty, pretty cool, Daniel. Yeah. Pretty cool.

Exactly. You know, there's like a subfolder of just like sing-along tunes. You can only play them right at the end of the night when people are shit-faced and if you play them any earlier yes it won't sail they're too slow and they take too long to for anything to happen that's sort of their their genre and it's like they're supposed to be big romantic love songs but they're basically just like ones that drunk people can shout a lot yes it a talent. It's a skill that you have. It's just not one. It's like one of those sports

that you only see during the Olympics where I'm sure it's very impressive that you can do that thing that you're doing. You know, jumping over that line,

that bar thing and landing on a crash mat. I'm sure that's very impressive. I just don't care that you can do that. It just doesn't impress me. And that's how I think about power ball. It's incredibly annoying.

You know, like if you go to karaoke, like the joy of karaoke is like people shouldn't be able to sing very well. And that's the sort of thing someone might get up and do that really well. And then you're like, you've just taken the fun out of everything. It's very self-congratulatory yes but as well it's i mean obviously choruses are the best part of normally the best part of any song but those songs in power ballads the verses seem to be particularly shit they seem to be particularly boring before it it all pops yeah i think it is quite a unsatisfactory type of music to just be stuck with and have it all the time so um yeah maybe

you can have like a jukebox of power ballads or you know like a sort of all right thank you okay well sean finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's a snail. A snail. Okay. I hate stepping on them. I don't want to kill anything. And I end up, it seems like every few weeks, stepping on a snail.

I don't, like, you fucking idiot. You've just made me kill you. I didn't want You fucking idiot. You've just made me kill you. I didn't want to kill you. And now I feel bad. And I feel like I've murdered the poor thing that was just going about its evening. And now I've bloody... I didn't mean to do that. And now I feel I get ravaged with guilt.

So it would be the snail. I hate that they make me feel like a murderer. I suppose they need to be camouflaged so they don't get eaten by birds and stuff. But I feel like you see them more at night, you know, when it's been raining and they come out and it's dark and wet. Yes.

So the birds are in bed. They're in their nests. So they should have like some kind of like glow-in-the-dark function. The predators are out the way. Now, you know, you need to save yourself from the humans walking along so like a glow-in-the-dark snail i think would would really be a good invention or or or

headlights yeah yeah like a car yeah for not yeah absolutely that's a great shout i don't know if you could sort that out for me on the the island i would love some headlights for my snails yeah i'll do my best i mean it's annoying to put on them but you can catch them so i mean that's that's helpful maybe like a little head torch that would be fantastic you know what the thing is as well like slugs are disgusting because they they're just fucking disgusting the snail is the acceptable face of that group of animals whatever they're called. But if you see a lot of them all in one go, they become a bit disgusting again. Yes.

I think a lot of anything becomes disgusting apart from like trees and flowers. I think when it comes to food, as soon as there's loads of it, it sort of looks repulsive. You know, sometimes you turn over a pot and there's like seven of them in there. Oh, yes.

That's five too many. Yes. It's just more about the guilt that they end up giving me because i accidentally step on them well i think that's fair i think that's very fair and you know sean i think all together you've got yourself a horrible place to live there i think you've done a fantastic job thank you very much it's a shit island that and that's very much the name of the game. So well done. Now, Sean, what are you up to at the minute?

You obviously got your podcast. We've got the podcast, What's Upset You Now? And it's 15 minutes. It's just me and fellow comedian Paul McCaffrey moaning. I think it has a relationship with this podcast. It's, you know, we get some things off our chest, but it's only 15 minutes. And it's really nice. People have sort of...

Not that we're comparing it in quality to Derek and Clive, but in terms of style, it's a bit like Derek and Clive. It's just the two of us ranting at each other. There's no intro, there's no outro. It sort of starts and ends. So that's a lot of fun. And I'm back on tour with a show called Back From The Bed. And I think I'm probably going to talk about the Fitbit owners in that, I think.

I think that's a good idea. I think I've inspired myself today. Good. Well, we're happy to be a part of your work in progress. Yes, thank you. Yes. Brilliant. All right.

Well, thanks again for coming on today. Thanks a lot. That was Desert Island Dicks with Sean Walsh there, and I hope you enjoyed that. Desert Island Dicks is a Sync Clap production created by James Deacon, produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. Our editor is Chris Attaway. Social media support comes from Jason Leitch

and Chinsey Clinton. That's not his real name. And a special mention to our statistician, Grandmaster Flash and John Deacon, father of James, who is our sort of historian, sommelier, curator, knower of all episodes, and just a good man. Now, I just want to say something here to all of you that are still listening.

I got a bit of bad news about a friend of mine a couple of days ago, a friend of mine from uni, and this podcast is all about dicks and the shitty things in the world. But you know, obviously, it's just a lighthearted thing to try and cheer people up and put a spring in your step, you know. And if it does that, that's a great thing. But obviously, there are loads of people out there all the time who have a lot of stuff going on and a podcast isn't going to change those things. It's important for you all to remember that if you are going through hard times or if you know someone who you think is going through hard times there is always help out there that you can find and connect with. If you're finding yourself having suicidal thoughts you can find loads of different places to help

like calm the campaign against living miserably or the samaritans there's loads of different helplines out there or you know you can just go to a and e and just walk in and tell them what's going on and they'll also be able to help you and put you in touch with the right people if you know someone that you think is having a bad time don't just ignore it ask them ask them a second time make sure they're all right follow up on any texts check in on them because the normal thing is to just say i'm all right ask them twice you know and follow up on that as well uh that's it really i'm not an expert obviously i don't know what's going on and i'm a bit reeling

from the news we've just had, but I just wanted to say that however bad it is, there is always someone out there. Even if you don't know them, there will be someone who's willing to help. So,

don't suffer in silence. Okay, that's it from me. Look, we'll be back with more Desert Island Dicks and Compact Dicks soon. So,

in the meantime, I hope you have a week free of dicks. And I'll speak to you again soon. Thank you for listening.