Desert Island Dicks - SERENA COADY

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

Dan is joined by writer Serena Coady - she’s written for The Independent, CNN, Vox, Dazed, Elle and more besides. Also, she’s very funny and you should follow her. That’s it. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Today, featuring the wonderful Serena Cody. She's a writer. She's written for The Independent, CNN, Vox, ID, Dazed, loads of papers and magazines and more. You can find her online. You can look up Serena Cody and see her website or find her on Twitter. Anyway, she's very funny. She's got a lot to say and she's well worth following on Twitter as well because she's very funny on that too.

Thanks to everyone who's been listening and downloading the podcast recently. We really appreciate it. Thank you for those of you who have left reviews as well because I really like that. Much like many people who work in the media, I have a fragile ego and it's always nice to hear nice feedback from you. So thank you.

If you would like to leave a review, you're always very welcome. And by all means, do go and subscribe. And that way you'll never miss an episode because they'll just, well, I'm not going to explain it. You know how subscriptions work by now. It's 2023 for crying out loud. I think that's about it.

As always, you can get in touch with us if you want to by going to dixpod.com slash contact if you want to send in any submissions you've got for compact dicks we haven't done any of those for a little while but we do mean to get back on it so send in your submissions for who and what you think are a dick that way and we'll try and get them in the next episode and you can also always with anything get in touch with us on twitter and Instagram at Dickspod. Right, I think that's the main stuff out of the way.

Let's get on with the show, shall we? Here is Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is writer and journalist Serena Cody. How are you doing? I am doing well how are you? I'm all right I'm all right we're doing an evening record which is uh I feel more relaxed and slightly less ranty than normal so I don't know how that'll affect things. How are you feeling? Um I feel very relaxed but you know when I'm relaxed I can still feel ranty So I guess that works for the subject matter.

And do you, so, I mean, in general, are you someone who sort of likes to vent all their frustrations or are you kind of a bit more mild-mannered about your likes and dislikes? I'm a pretty open person. Like, I find it hard to mask how I'm feeling or, like, you know, if I dislike someone, I pretty much just wear it on my face. Yeah, I do. I do like to get it out, I must say. Okay, well, let's just get started. Let's get straight into it. You're on the island, the plane has crashed, three dicks. Who's going to be the first dick joining you? Okay, the first dick is an easy one i'd have to say it's my christian life studies teacher from school okay probably you probably won't know what christian life studies is like

i don't think most people would know but i was at like a really religious high school not like a you know catholic regimented catholic school with priests and ceremonial garb it was more like evangelical so a lot of the kids there were like student children of pastors and ministers and christian missionaries um and we didn't have religion or um what do you call it in the uk like religious studies like re yeah re or rs yeah yeah so we didn't have that we had cls christian life studies so like it basically taught us how to be good christians on the daily and it wasn't like at one point there were 16 christian life studies classes and like four science classes so it kind of tells you what we're working with and that was

during like our equivalent of a levels so wow it's a it's a miracle i got out of there without joining a missionary so you're at this guy but there's one particular teacher who is the worst then yeah so she was she taught my cls class and she was a real piece of work like she she would um ban us from sitting in the lotus position so that's just sitting on the floor cross-legged um because she believed it would welcome demons into our body wow yeah that's that's properly nuts yeah yeah she she like she had this like phobia of different cultures and different religions even though i'm pretty sure she like took these biannual trips to india and she would come to school in like a full sari and this is a white woman by the way she'd come

in a sari like once a week um she was an interesting one she i remember she we had to do like an assignment of it was like writing an s in class essay and we weren't allowed to have any notes or have access to any computers or books or anything and she believed i had plagiarized it at the end because she didn't think i was i did really well on, not to brag, but she thought that I fully cheated because I wasn't smart enough to do that well. And I think I used words like quintessentially and comprise, which like fair enough are pretty wanky words for a 16-year-old to use, but she had to basically call my mom and me and we sat in interviews

with my English teachers and they had to validate that my mom and me and we sat in interviews with my english teachers and they had to validate that i had indeed been smart enough to write an essay with the words comprise in it wow oh my god oh my god yeah i can't get over the the sitting cross-legged thing that's i mean it must be so weird if you're someone who believes that sitting in a certain way can allow demons into your world. I mean, there must be so many pitfalls in life. Like, you know. Yeah, exactly. Like, how do you get anything done without like, you know, with a constant fear of demonic presence?

I mean, there's so many other things to worry about. I know. Wow. That's mental. And so did you have a, for like quite a while at your school was it was it a number of years you had it for yeah i had a like for i think that one year for that cls class and then she might come into other classes when she was like subbing for other teachers and she actually think she had like a senior advisory role in some way so she was

always around like and and also she really stood out like she would wear a sari one day she'd wear sort of like a a mafia style outfit the next or she'd dress up like a teenager she was in her 50s and like she just you couldn't pin her down with their style like my my friend and i we made this like cut out paper doll book and it was like, I'm not going to say her name obviously, but it would be like all the sort of looks she had. Like you had this like equestrian Barbie, like aviation Barbie. We'd do it for her.

So we'd do like her sari, her mafia look. It was like sort of our way of um our way of coping in a oppressive religious environment but yeah i just i wouldn't like having her on an island because i think she well i mean she'd find a way to coin me and make me join her um you know islanders islanders for christ sect or something like that yeah i mean it's a good fresh start to you know for a missionary isn't it basically i mean that's like it's ideal for her really yeah exactly they historically have thrived in places like that yeah definitely i wonder if like there's sort of different outfits all the time maybe it's a way of throwing off the demons

or something it's like maybe oh wait it's not her she's changed wait damn it where is she you know those stupid demons just bumbling around being like fuck no she's wearing a sari no because i remember because it was weird because she was this white lady i don't know where she is yeah she was smarter than we gave her credit for she was just throwing the demonic energies off the trail. Smart woman. Yeah. I had a couple of weird religious teachers. I mean, not to that degree.

You know, I didn't go to especially religious school, but I had a couple that were sort of very much everything in the Bible as it is written. You know, and you sort of meet a lot of Christians who go, okay, you know, I believe in God, but I do think the Garden of Eden bit is just a story sort of thing but they were like no no no this all fucking happened you know and like if you sort of said something like uh will my pet rabbit go to heaven there's none of this sort of like keep an eight-year-old child happy they're like nope it doesn't say anything about that in

the bible like you say uh um my friend's muslim will he go to heaven it's like only if he repents and it was like wow like i'm i'm eight come on man yeah yeah there's got to be some nuance there it can't just go from zero to hell yeah exactly yeah i had this one teacher though i remember like she's a music teacher and something like i think we were allowed to have a go on different instruments and there was a tuba and um someone like blew a tuba very close to my head. And for some reason, I sounded like, this makes me sound like a fucking Victorian chimney sweep child. But I said, at the noise, I was surprised. And I said, core blimey.

I don't know why I said that phrase. But she got incredibly angry. And she, like, got really close to my face. And she's like, do you know what that means? I was like, no, core blimey. And she's like, say it again face it's like do you know what that means i was like no cool but she's like say it again i was like cool blimey she goes it means god blind me and i was like why did you make me say it again then like what the fuck like that that was quite mad and that's when god reached down his mighty hand and he took your eyes from your head yeah and i don't know this is the whole video call thing is pointless.

I haven't been able to see since then. And it was my own fault, so fair enough. I had no idea that's what call blimey meant. It probably doesn't, does it? I mean, it's probably, it's like sitting cross-legged invites demons into your body. It's that kind of weird control thing, isn't it, I suppose. Yeah. Wow. into your body it's it's that kind of weird control thing isn't it i suppose but um yeah wow i mean having this person as a as a as a companion on a desert island is is amazing

yeah it would be rough i i honestly think like thinking about the all the dicks i wouldn't want to be stuck with on an island and like thinking about her when i was, you know, like 15, I feel like she probably caused a lot of like imposter syndrome in my head because, you know, now when I write things, I'm like, hey, am I actually smart enough to write this? Because it has a big word in it because back then I had no trouble writing this essay, but she really made me think that I was illiterate. So, yeah, there'd be no escaping that on the island. I feel like she would, it would be a huge blow to my confidence

to have her as one of the other survivors. I mean, it's a really good trait in a teacher, isn't it, that like when someone's showing extra promise, like instead of being, wow, I'm really surprised. This is amazing. You're a great writer. Let's talk about that. It's like, well, you must have cheated.

Yeah. Yeah. There's so many bad teachers that like still haunt me so uh yeah i think it's a very good first choice i think um a whole island could be populated with with nothing but teachers very easy i mean my mum was a teacher i'm not putting all teachers in there obviously yeah she's different she's not like the other teachers there are some good ones obviously but yeah we we can all remember the bad ones just as well can't we so for sure who's going to be joining the two of you then who's your next dick on the island my next dick will have to be darren mccrady he was the chef to diana princess of wales okay personal chef i don't know if you've seen any of his work i don't know if i have no tell us tell us some more about him he's a youtuber

he's got a pretty big following actually um much to my chagrin but yeah he he basically makes these very clickbaity videos that draw on any story he can pluck out of his, like, history working for the royal family. I think he was doing it for more than a decade. And he has all these videos that somehow tie back to, like, one of these recollections. So there's one where he's just, like, he ties into, like, Prince Harry and William's feud.

And I can't, I'm so bad at doing English accents. I try my hardest because they always come out sounding cockney. I'm pretty sure he's not cockney. But, yeah, he'll be like, it saddens me to see Prince Harry and William fighting because I remember when they were boys and they'd come into my kitchen asking for spaggy ball. And it literally, like I remember I think it was like when the news was released of Harry proposing to Meghan with a chicken, like a roast chicken or something.

And, of course, Chef Darren McCready had to come out saying, like, yeah, it was actually me who taught Harry how to make chicken. Oh, it's just the sensationalist way in which he creates these food videos really fucks me off because, like's he's exploiting the memory of like diana like he talks about how what he cooked for her when she doing her bulimia uh battle with bulimia and i'm like dude that's off like yeah and also the food he's making is so basic like it's like strawberries and cream and like like like a roast or like spaghetti bologna, like the most basic, basic stuff. But he's just really exploiting his work as a royal chef.

And I think, yeah, being on an island with him, I can imagine him every time we find some crabs scuttling around or, you know, a wild rat to eat, he'll probably find a way to tie it back to his time being in the kitchens at Balmoral. And that would be hell for me. I'm just trying to Google while we're talking to see if it was the same one. Because I have watched some videos from an ex-royal chef. And I think it was like the Queen's chef.

I think it was a different one. And what I realized from watching a few videos is just she's got really basic shit taste in food like you'd say oh of course and the queen always had her steak well done um and you know you know like she just has the sort of taste of just an old lady who lived through the war you know that's fine but it's like here's what she'd have as a traditional tea uh afternoon tea. And it was just like jam sandwiches and stuff. And it was like, there was just nothing interesting about it at all. Like a ration style dining.

Yeah. And it's like, you know, I guess people weren't foodies in those days. And, you know, we didn't have access to like a whole international buffet of options that we do these days. And like, you know, she was an old lady yeah she's gonna have fairly sort of plain taste but I think he was just a sort of very sycophantic kind of chef he wasn't particularly I think this guy sounds much more dangerous and sort of weaselly I think I don't know I honestly think you're thinking of the same one though because I think for a time he was he also worked for the queen i think he worked for

all of them and then after i actually am so embarrassed that i know this much but like after the divorce i think diana got to keep the chef okay god rich people's divorces are different aren't they it's like who gets to keep the coffee machine? No, he is the coffee machine. It's just a man making you coffee. But honestly, I agree with what you say about like the taste of an old lady. But I just find it like wild that, you know, you've got all this privilege and power and you own the commonwealth like you own all these countries that have much more you know refined palates and wide-ranging cuisines and would you not like want to take advantage of that in the slightest okay so we've got him on the island and i think that would just be fucking boring so you've

got on one side you've got an evangelical Christian who's sort of driving you mad because you're sitting in the wrong way or you're doing something wrong at all times, I imagine. And then you've got someone who just wants to sort of regale you with stories of feeding the queen. I think that's, yeah,

that's already kind of a rock and a hard place. So let's see if we can make it even worse. Who's the third person going to be? Yeah, let's dial it of a rock and a hard place. So let's see if we can make it even worse. Who's the third person going to be? Yeah, let's dial it up a notch. I think we're going to stay on the trend of people from my past, people from my childhood. So I'm going to say the man who ruined my youth at a barbecue. Right.

Yeah. It was this guy. I honestly don't remember that much about what he looked like or what his name was i think his name was kind of like duncan or garrett something along those lines um and he was a colleague or like an employee of my parents they ran like a contracting business through the department of defense in australia and so he worked for them and he had a barbecue at his place and i think i was like 10 or 11 it was it was around the time when reality tv shows about talent were hitting the big time like you guys probably had your own you know smorgasbord of those probably have way more than we did we had australian idol which was literally just um the ryan seacrest

american idol um but with australians and yeah it was i was obsessed with it as were a lot of my school friends we would like text in 55 cents a text message like who do you want to stay um and I would and like it was all about singing but then there would be these little almost half-time performances from random like performance troops around the country and at the time I was really into dancing like I thought it was my dream to become a dancer and I was at this barbecue and I had like my little Nokia phone that my parents used to keep track of me when I would catch the school bus and so I also could play Snake on it. And I remember getting a call.

I was like, oh, my God, this is so weird. No one ever calls me except for Mom and Dad and they're right here. Who is it? And it's from an unknown number and I called it. And I'm listening to it and and I hear hi it's sort of like this very um sort of like a real Aussie radio radio talk show voice like hi Serena how you doing it's you know it's it's John calling from Australian Idol from the production team really wanted to see I know I noticed you're a dancer with you know uh with this dance studio

and we wanted to see if you'd love to join our exclusive children's dance troupe for Australian Idol and you know I was like oh my god like I just didn't know what to say I was like holy fuck like this is my big break I'm like freaking out and and like I'm sort of I've taken myself away from the barbecue I look over at my parents and they're sort of i've taken myself away from the barbecue i look over at my parents and they're sort of like looking at me i don't know like half smiling and then someone at the barbecue starts like they burst into laughter and then the guy who's hosting the barbecue the duncan the garrett guy he comes out and he's like on the phone and it was him. No.

Yeah. Yeah, it hurt so bad. Like it was the meanest thing and I was literally 10 or 11, I don't remember, but and, you know, I wasn't like an innocent child. I was extremely annoying but I didn't deserve this and i always think about it and he would yeah i would literally hate to be on an island with him because it would be just a reminder of that and maybe it's just a coincidence but i gave up dance four years later oh man i mean oh there's a lot to get through here i I mean, number one, it's a terrible story.

I mean, it's an amazing story, but it's what a bastard. I mean, I'm slightly relieved when you said a friend of my dad's who ruined my childhood. It's slightly better than what I thought it might have been at one point. Yeah, I thought it might skew towards that because I know what it sounds like. But it's just so weird to like play a prank on a kid like that like i know because it's quite elaborate and it's sort of like hey guys watch this elaborate prank he would have had to get your number off your parents or something that you're meant to punch up not like and also like if he works with your dad like watch me make a fool of your daughter in front of all

these people it's fucking weird god what a bastard and then i mean what what did you do then would you we did you kind of sort of try and pretend that you were fine or were you really upset and sort of did you have to like run away or like what was the the immediate aftermath i don't know i just i think i just played it really cool and like i don't know maybe go went and poured juice into his shoes or did something to get back it in my own way but yeah i was so angry i remember like we had to see him in a few other like barbecues or events that would my my parents would host with like their employees and whatnot and um i would just always avoid him even though i was like 11 12 and i didn't really have anything else to do

or anywhere else to be yeah but yeah he he i remember he had young children and they're probably grown up now and i i hope they hate him and i hope that they have no relationship no i'm sure he's redeemed himself but i mean if you know if he had sort of suggested that prank to his kids to do to you that's one thing but him as a grown man doing it to you when you're like 10 it's just such a weird thing to do i know right yeah and i just imagine on desert island just like all the pranks and just sort of like oh come on we're having a laugh and you're like yeah you've just like contaminated our drinking water with with like yeah you know with that bad dodgy crab that we found yeah now we're gonna like it's no it's not funny no it's not funny yeah i am angry

but it's also not funny anyway yeah and he'd have this maniacal smile on his face and like eyes wide like you like it you like it just like no mate garrett duncan just fucking get over yourself oh man what a horrible bastard yeah i think that's gonna be a terrible i mean this is i mean in terms of the podcast this is great content but in terms of you on an island with these people this is a fucking nightmare so I think you're doing a superb job there um thank you yeah just thinking of these three on an island together oh I know but it is somewhat therapeutic to remember and talk about it with you so um there's that yeah well I mean I you know it's a it great story. But yeah, I'm really sorry that happened. God, what a bastard.

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, well, look, we're going to distract you slightly now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad well um there's not many foods i don't like

i mean i don't eat meat so there's a lot of foods i don't eat but i still yeah i love food but if yeah if there's one food i would hate to have on the island it would be chicken schnitzel okay it's another like personal connection i lived with this um flatmate not so long ago who um he was like a real gym bro and he would only eat chicken schnitzel like he opened the freezer drawer and the freezer drawer was like piled high it was like a patchwork quilt of pre-made chicken schnitzel, like unwrapped, unsealed, just, you know, raw dog and chicken schnitzel in this freezer drawer. And like seeing that every day for a year,

like these really sad looking orangecrumbed pieces of flesh just laying out in the oven. Yeah, I don't live there anymore, thankfully, but having to see that again and having to see that for eternity on an island would really just make my head spin. That's a weird thing to be really like. I mean, even if you're a real gym bro, you think it's just going to be like boring grilled chicken, but the schnel it's just kind of a weird dimension to it i don't know why well he

didn't eat vegetables so like it was so rather than like what you said like some lean meat and like broccoli and brown rice or something it was literally just like yeah schnitzel i remember my friend ellen she was visiting from Australia and she stayed with me for a week and she's like the loveliest person and just very like pure in her like observations of things. Like, you know, people like that, they just have that, you know, spark about them. And I remember she walked in the kitchen one afternoon

and she was like, huh, what are all those orange towels doing? I was like, what? Orange towels? She was like, why, what are all those orange towels doing? I was like, what? Orange towels? She was like, why is that just left there? And I was like, Alan, those are chicken schnitzels. Like she literally thought they were hand towels. It gives an indication of how appetizing they must have been. Oh, it was awful.

I wish I took a picture of them just like, I don't know, just to have on file. Yeah. To prepare it, don't you have to hammer the meat quite a lot? Was he like doing meal prep of like just hammering meat for ages to make it flat? That's a good question. I thought that was a part of the schnitzel kind of thing. Yeah, because you tenderize it, right? Is that what it's called, tenderizing it?

Yeah, like just smack it with a hammer. I mean, any meal that you prepare by hitting it with a hammer isn't really the best so maybe that was part of his like rigorous workout plan maybe that counted towards the the output yeah god what a bleak thing to eat all the time so that would guess i guess that would be like two meals a day would be that. Yeah, yeah, exactly right. Fuck. And for breakfast, I don't – oh, for breakfast it was like protein powder mixed with like egg whites to form pancakes. You know, there's that awful phrase about how nothing – what was it? Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, which, you know,

is a terrible phrase phrase but that sort of heroine chic era kind of thing like i feel like there needs to be an opposite one you know it's like like for bodybuilding it's sort of like you will never look good enough to eat this shit all the time kind of you know i mean obviously it's a work in progress but you know i mean it's like i'm sure you could still get pretty ripped and eat normal-ish food. So a chicken schnitzel then I think is a good choice. What are you going to wash it down with? What's your drink choice?

I'd have to say like really undrinkable drink is like inauthentic chai latte. Okay. Like chai latte from powder right okay yeah and what what is it specifically about it that you hate so much i just find like the whole thing very blasphemous like or maybe that makes me sound a bit like my um religion teacher but i think if when you have authentic like Indian chai, it's this incredible aromatic drink with like fresh ginger, black pepper, cardamom, cinnamon sticks, like all these beautiful flavors coming together and it's made fresh. That's the whole point. I feel like you go to these cafes and chai latte is sort of like the option you have if you can't really handle coffee and you don't want to look like a 12 year old by ordering a hot choccy even though yeah I think they're great um I think not much thought is put into a chai latte these days

like it's literally just made from that powder that's full of like milk milk powder or like maltodextrin whatever like it's like a processed carb i think that isn't a lot of like pre-made mixes or whatever and i just yeah i can't take it like honestly in my retina but nothing makes me shit myself faster than having a powdered chai latte like it makes me feel so ill um and i know i'm not the only one and also chai is supposed to be tea and not coffee as well so that's the other thing isn't it yeah that's the thing and like people say like if they have a chai tea they'll say yeah chai tea but chai means tea so it's like saying tt it's like when people say naan bread i hate that they're saying you're saying bread bread i don't know i just don't like the culture around like

westernized chai because i think because i got sent a bunch of free chai back when i was like a staff reporter and i and i remember like it was this white lady that traveled to india once and she just decided yeah i'm gonna i think I can steal this recipe pretty well and monetize it. And she did really well. I think I've had some of that because like when my wife was pregnant, I think it's just like so bored of not being able to have like proper coffee and tea. And just I think I don't know whether she bought it or someone else bought her just like a load of different herbal teas and things that you know you're just like i'm just bored i just need something different to have and i remember reading the back of a carton and it was

like yeah just a white woman was like on my travels to india i've had a great time experiencing the lovely chai and so here's my version that we've you know just like ground into a fucking paste and and i've made loads of money off yeah there is something really like galling about that how did it taste i never had any because yeah i don't know like yeah i like really you know i really like normal chai but it's sort of yeah i don't know also i think it's context like if i'm in india then it's it's everywhere and that's what I just sort of instinctively go for. But over here, I don't know. I just, if it's like served to me by a white person

who also kind of, you know, holds their hands together and bows slightly as they give it to me, I'm like, fuck off. Like, we're both English here. Like, let's not, just fuck off. Cut to the chase. Yeah. I'm just thinking how, of your religious teacher in the sari, she'll probably be, I don't know, will she love it or not?

It's so hard to gauge her. I think she'd absolutely love it. Yeah. I think she would. I think she's, you know, one of those people that'll pick and choose what they appreciate about a certain culture and just roll with it. Fair enough. Well, I think it's a terrible thing to drink roll with it. Fair enough. Well, I think it's a terrible thing to drink along with the chicken schnitzel as well.

Oh, my God, yeah, that'd be so gnarly. That textural combination, like the, yeah, and the colours, like the greyness of the latte and the orange towel texture of the schnitzel. Fucking hell. It's a good choice. Okay. Fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work,

but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? This one was the hardest because there's just so many to talk about. There's a lot of shit these days. In terms of the song, it would have to be Echo Beach. Martha and the Muffins, is it?

Oh, yeah. I think that's them. I don't actually know who the artist is, but I'm guessing that's them it's a terrible band name isn't it yeah awful is it leads to a called martha yeah martha johnson martha johnson you beast she is the one who's responsible for this so like the song echo beach it starts nice enough like it's good um it's like and you're like well i mean like sort of i'm there's a good a good song in store and then it continues and then the the vocalist like delivers it in such a like i think it was quite specific to this era of like 80s new wave music where they have this very like monotone delivery,

which I can't talk about. We're pretty like monotonal boys, but, you know, I'm not making albums out of it. And she's sort of saying like, my job is really boring. I'm in our first club. And I just, every time I hear this this song like it's weird because I swear I swear the last like three times I've heard it I've been in like a shopping center or a mall and like weirdly I've been in the bathroom and this song is playing and I'm like what is going on

and it reminds me I think when I was like 16 or 17, I had a holiday job at like this discount perfume shop, which is great because I got to smell these perfumes and like, you know, what else does a teenage girl want except to smell nice? And that song would always come on. Like there was like a Skechers shop, like the shoes next door, and they had this like like revolving soundtrack of like i swear to god 12 songs and that was one of them it's an odd one i think it does sort of have a whiff of retail about it i don't know maybe

maybe i don't know why i get that as well but um i'm looking at the lyrics and um the first the first um verse says i know it's out of fashion and a trifle uncool but i can't help it i'm a romantic fool it's a habit of mine to watch the sun go down on echo beach i watch the sun go down and i just feel like you know there shouldn't be rules and it's okay to have the same phrase repeated but it just feels like that early in a song you're running out of ideas that quickly like three lines in you know you're gonna go uh sun goes down fucking sun goes down you know it's like come on right you've got you've literally just started i'm glad you noticed that because that is another thing that really pisses me off about it. Because it's like it launches with that.

You're like, this is where you're trying to hook the listeners. You've got four verses. I mean, this is just Googling the lyrics, so there might be more in it. But you've basically got four verses, and then it just says, Echo Beach, far away in time, again and again and again to the end.

Like, that's it. I sometimes think, you know, I can't write songs, but sometimes when you see it written down, you're like, oh, I only need that much. Oh, okay, maybe I should give it a go. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. It's like maybe anyone could do it, you know?

Maybe we could all make great, like, little jingles. But I think they were a one-hit wonder so i guess that tells us all we need to know well when i googled it it came up with martha the suggestion said martha and the muffin songs i'm like obviously i'm not like of course i'm not googling the other songs track two the sun comes up. Maybe that's why it's called Echo Beach because it just sounds the same thing. You know, you hear the same sound coming back at you over and over again. Honestly, you might be onto something because I'm pretty sure Echo Beach is not a real place.

Like, I think they're just sort of creating a mystical location, like as a metaphor sort of thing, which I can relate to. I like the sentiment of the song yeah you're in this corporate environment that's not really fulfilling all your needs you just you want to get to the beach man you just want to like slip into the sea have a little swim i can relate to that but i don't know it's just like something about that like repetition like you said and just the monotone like it reminds me of like for some reason i think we've talked about hell a lot in this um in this chat but i feel like the song reminds me of hell because of that aspect like the the pulsing monotone repetitive rhythm like when i was really young i had tonsillitis and i was sick for like two to three days my parents would just like find me around the house because I'd like done night walking or something because I was so ill. And I remember in these dreams, I'd have this like recurring dream about like, it was just not

really anything, but it was like this song was repeating in my dream. And it wasn't, it was almost like, it was like a hymn but like same level, just repetitive over and over again on a loop for hours and hours and hours. And I don't know, this song kind of – it doesn't sound the same as the one in my Hell Dream but it's a similar vibe. It's like it's inescapable. And maybe it's tied into my whole retail experience when I was a teenager, but it all just, like when I hear the song, I think,

I'm never getting out of here. Yeah. That's what they're saying. Okay, what would your film choice be? My film choice would be the Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez vehicle known as Gigli. What's the basic premise? What happens in that?

It's kind of like a wannabe heist mob film. It's trying quite hard to be Tarantino-esque, but it was a huge flop. I think they spent like 50, 70 million on it. And if you see the movie, which I recommend recommend you do it looks like it cost about two dollars like it i think the money went into obviously paying for jlo and ben affleck who were huge at the time oh my god this this film is just it's not bad in an obvious way it's just you watch it and you start being like, oh, my God, wow,

there are so many, like, 20-minute monologues in it. And I don't really know how to explain it. I feel like you have to watch some clips to get the vibe. It has Al Pacino and Christopher Walken in, which is a surprise. Yeah, Christopher Walken's actually incredible in it. He just, he waltzes in for like one scene and knocks everything out of the park. Like he's giving, I shit you not, the performance of a lifetime. Like it's like he was given another script and the people that were shooting it just like went with it

because they needed it because he was such hot shit. And he was just so confident and gave such a like natural performance and then he's gone i mean al pacino like he's held up as such a great actor he has been in some absolute stinkers absolutely he was in the adam sandler film jack and jill which is one of the worst films I have ever seen. And he's in that. And, oh, my God, it's so bad. I mean, I think at some point he should be sort of penalised somehow. I don't know.

It's sort of like, because it's like, oh, yeah, but he's the greatest. Al Pacino, yeah, love him, mate. Yeah, him and De Niro. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Because let's bring up all of his work here because some of it is fucking shit and de niro is the same he's taken on some real stinkers as well yeah and um i mean with g lee can you remember can you remember when you saw it what was the sort of context but when you watched

it i watched it again really recently i think i was just interested in watching it because they got back together ben affleck and jennifer lopez yeah and i was like yeah i'm doing this i found it so interesting because i thought that they had already met jennifer lopez and ben affleck like known power couple of the early noughties they'd already met and they like fought to make this film so they could have more time together and like you know have sex in each other's trailers and whatnot and then i realized they actually met on the film so they agreed to make this willingly and you see it and the script is genuinely shocking. Like, and it's so offensive.

Like, it has that Justin Bartha guy in it. He's, like, playing, like, an intellectually disabled young man and the performance is truly, like, oh, it's played up for laughs and it's not at all funny. It's shocking and then like oh it gets worse like jennifer lopez is gay her character's gay and the the premise is that gilly so oh yeah ben affleck is gilly pronounced like really because it's spelled giggly and he's trying to win over Jennifer Lopez's character

and he believes that lesbians are basically a myth and that to cure them all you need is a dick and she fights back at that very playfully and passively. She sort of descends into one of the film's many, many lengthy monologues about this one's by far the worst and she's like, you know, a penis is like a sea slug or a really long thumb. Like she says all this shit and then she goes

into how women should be with women because the mouth is like the twin sister to the vagina. And she says this while she's doing yoga, and he's just watching her with his mouth open like, whoa, this chick is like a real philosopher. And it's the only time in the movie when there's like this soft, really like sentimental guitar playing. The rest of the movie is like stock jazz music

like really hokey jazz music underscoring it um and then there's this whole other um monologue that ben affleck delivers and he calls it's so bad he calls her a dicaurus rex yeah it's so it's oh it's gnarly it's it's so wrong but honestly it's worth the watch because it's just one of those those movies like is was that jack and jill was it was it called jack and jill yeah was that worth the watch like because you know how that some movies are so delightfully bad i watched that because we were doing a live show for one of these and um normally i don't always get the people's choices you know so i didn't know what you were going to pick before this but sometimes occasionally i do and i thought because it's a live show i'm really bad at having seen many there's loads of films i haven't seen i thought i'm going to

get this person's choices beforehand just so that I've got more to say, you know, when we're actually in front of people and they picked Jack and Jill. And I was like, fuck, I'm going to have to watch this piece of shit now. I think I even had to rent it as well, which is really annoying.

And then we got there and they didn't even choose. They go, Oh, I'm going to make some changes. And I was like, yeah, yeah, no,

that's fine. And they're like, yeah, I'm not going to pick that film anymore. I was like, fuck, there's literally no reason to watch this film. It was so bad. God, you were robbed. You're like, yeah, I'm not going to pick that film anymore. I was like, fuck. There's literally no reason to watch this film. It was so bad.

God, you were robbed. You were really robbed. Yeah, so I feel very angry about that. But yeah, I don't know. Just the idea that in a film, like someone, the main, you know, one of the main characters is a lesbian and they can just be sort of won over at the end.

It's such a glaring... I know loads of films you go, would they kiss at the end? I don't know if they'd kiss at the end.'s like such a glaring i know like loads of films you go would they kiss at the end i don't know if they'd kiss at the end i mean they've just been i guess they've been in a stressful situation so maybe there'd be a bit of relief about still being alive and that that you know maybe have a little kiss but still stretching it but it's like but she's actually like not straight yeah and she's very clear about it. She's very like, yeah, I'm gay. I've got a monologue about it. Several monologues.

And it's like the movie's message is, yeah, women, you might be gay, but all it takes is one Ben Affleck to cure you. And honestly, Ben Affleck in this movie, like he's wearing like this very square bowling shirt. Like he looks like he's cosplaying as like Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men. And his hair is like this crispy dome over his head, this dark dome that's mounted on his head. I don't know.

Do you think Ben Affleck's like a sexy guy? I mean, he seems like okay looking. I wouldn't say he's ugly, man. I don't do you think ben affleck's like sexy guy i mean he seems like okay looking i wouldn't say he's ugly man i don't know good looking in a generic way yeah i agree like he's got the like little bum chin i wonder if it's the film that got them together because they're just confiding each other afterwards and they're like fucking hell this is this is shit isn't it like did you hear what I said earlier? That monitor, fuck, and then I've got to get off with you at the end of this. And like, even though I've just given the whole other thing

about sea slugs and lips, like, oh my God. And then they just sort of comforted each other. It's like trauma bonding. Yeah. It's like, well, at least we'll always have this, darling. Yeah. Something came out of it. But if we break up, then we did all that for nothing

wow and now you're going to be stranded with it on the island so i'm very sorry well listen you've been doing such a great job and we're nearly at the end um so finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Well, when I first was thinking about this, I wanted to say the Babadook, but then I realised Babadook's not an animal. And then this one was really hard because I can't even think about, like, I love animals. And, like, it sounds bad to say,

but I think I would choose Inspector Rex. Inspector Rex? It's like the German Shepherd, like a crime-solving German Shepherd from that Austrian TV show. Okay, okay. What is it about that dog specifically? I feel like outside of the island, I think the dog would and is thriving in this Austrian crime series,

like a police investigative dog. But I think on the island, the dog, like, I mean, I love a working dog as much as the next gal, but I think the dog would be extremely precocious and wanting to like solve all these crimes and mysteries and the island simply wouldn't have it so i feel like the dog would like fall into despair and would be quite tough to be around and also i don't speak german so i don't know how i would gain the dog's trust or respect. Yeah. And also, I mean, if you were to, if things went properly south and you ended up killing any of the co-inhabitants on the island,

dog's going to be digging up the bones and, you know. What's that? I think he's trying to tell us something. Like, what? He's got a piece of a sari. What's going on? Yeah, exactly. Like, the dog would totally give me away.

But, yeah, the dog would love it. It would spring into action because it's like a, yeah, it looks for the corpses. So I would hate to be on an island with this dog. Like, it's cute. It's a smart German shepherd. But I just, I remember this TV this TV show was on like the multicultural broadcaster in Australia SBS and it always had like late night um like hairy French pornos or

like horror films from Japan about water demons and and yeah Inspector X was one of the more savory of the um the programs and i didn't really like the show and the dog would be far too precocious for an island like always always wanting to work and i probably just want to die and if you just saw this once noble working dog just reduced to being really miserable it would be really depressing as well wouldn't it it would be yeah yeah definitely fitting end i think to your your terrible island that you've put together and it's been a really strong one i've got to say you've uh you know got some brilliant candidates on there all of whom i hate personally you know from just hearing the anecdotes about them so um well played indeed now um serena you've got uh

obviously you're a writer uh where's the best place to sort of follow some of your work uh twitter is good like serena cody on twitter that's pretty much it i have a website serenacody.com and have like all my stories there and whatnot and yeah cool nice one well we should check that out and thank you so much for coming on desert island it's been a pleasure thank you so much for coming on Desert Island X today. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me, Dan. It's been truly therapeutic. so there you go another desert island x done and dusted and uh yeah more will be along very soon i'm recording these all the time so yes we will be getting them out regularly so just subscribe and you will never miss a single one i think that's about it so i'm just going to say that

desert island x was a sync clap production It was originally dreamt up and presented by James Deacon, who also continues to produce the show. It was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. And this episode and quite a few of the recent ones have been expertly edited by Chris Attaway. And thank you very much for your time, Chris. We appreciate it. Thank you also to John Deacon for his unwavering, unflinching support for the podcast. And thank you to you. Yeah, fuck it. Thanks to you guys for listening. We appreciate it. Especially if you've made it this far,

you are one of the hardcore listeners and by gum, I appreciate it. So thank you. We'll be along again soon. And until then, I hope you have a week free of dicks unless it's the ones that we're talking about and you're listening to it and enjoying it that way i think that's it bye