Desert Island Dicks - SIAN WELBY

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

Capital Breakfast host Sian Welby takes off her radio hat and puts on the hat that means she's much more able to rant about people and things she thinks would make her life miserable if she were stuck on a desert island with them. Don't forget you can come to Desert Island Dicks LIVE, on Thursday 6th October, with special guest John Robins, as part of the Cheerful Earful podcast festival. Tickets from the link with this podcast or find details on our Twitter and Instagram @dickspod. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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She hosts the Capital FM Breakfast Show every day and much more besides. When she hosts the Breakfast Show, she probably doesn't have quite as forthright opinions on things that she hates as much as she does here. So I think it's well worth a listen to get a side of her that you probably don't get every day on the radio. Anyway, it was a pleasure talking to her

and you can listen to this episode very shortly indeed. Before you do though, I just want to remind you that next week as we release this on Thursday the 6th of October, we will be performing at the Bedford Pub in Ballam South London as part of the cheerful earful podcast we're doing desert island dicks live our special guest is John Robbins who will be very good indeed I have no doubt about that and it would be lovely to see you there you can buy tickets at cheerfulearful.co.uk and find out all the information there or you can go to the link that's in the description of this podcast it's also on our twitter and instagram pages at dixpod so you can get it there tickets cost just

eight pounds eight pounds what can you get for eight pounds these days well i tell you what you can get you can get a great evening of entertainment and a lot of fun and then we can hang out afterwards and have a drink if you fancy it would be be lovely to meet you. So I hope to see you there for another Desert Island Dicks live. Right, on with the podcast now. Here we go. It's Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is broadcaster and radio presenter Sian Welby. How are you doing? Yeah, really excited to be on the podcast. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming on. Thank you. So, you know, this is a chance for you to really rant about all the people and things you hate. I imagine sometimes being, you know, being a radio presenter in your position,

do you find that you have to sort of rein things in a little bit? Or is it quite easy for you just to open the floodgates and let rip? Oh, 100%, because you're always scared of offending somebody. And obviously, when you get guests in, you're going to be as polite as you possibly can. So I'm looking forward just to be able to vent a little bit and be as honest as I can be. Great. Well, this is your safe space, Sian.

And, you know, hopefully, you know, you can come out of this feeling lighter and more relaxed. And, you know, and hopefully it won't take a barrier away and you know when you come back to the radio you become all sort of sweary and opinionated yeah basically we don't want to get cancelled off the back of me doing this podcast so yeah as long as long as I keep it in a little bit with some decorum I think we'll be safe yeah we want a little safety valve then back to normal so let's see how we go okay so the plane has crashed you're on a desert island who's going to be the first person joining you

okay well this person isn't going to be a celebrity or a name that you'll recognize but this is a person that we probably have all encountered in our lives and and we're there and the plane has crashed and we're sort of looking around and then we all spot him and we all sigh and it's the guy in the high-vis vest because we all know that the power someone feels when they have the high-vis on is is like that of presidential level so we immediately know this guy is going to be telling us what we can't do not what we can do what we can't do yeah yeah absolutely and um yeah as soon as you say that it's like we've we've got a real mental picture in our heads of exactly who you're talking about because they never they never really deliver good news do they it's never like hey guys do you want it there's a separate area you can sit down over here it's generally like get out move yeah you can't put that there

within seconds this guy will be will be chopping up wood to create corridors you're not allowed to go down. He will be cordoning off trees that you can't go through. And there'll be no real logical reason, but you'll be going the long way round. You know, you find these guys in car parks, you find them at gigs, you find them at festivals, you find them on doors of clubs. It's somebody with more power than they actually have. But can you imagine being trapped with him on the island just making everything 10 times more difficult he'd be guarding the fire

and kind of being head of the fire but not knowing how to how to keep it going he'll be sort of telling everyone else how to do it and how they're doing it wrong i wouldn't do it like that mate give it here but then actually having no clue yeah yeah i imagine you sort of wake up in the morning and suddenly to get to the sea if you wanted to have a swim there's one of those sort of airport lines you know with the barriers and even though there's no one there you can't you still have to go through you know when he make you do that you have to walk in zigzags even though you could just walk to the front yeah they do that in supermarkets don't they as well where they where you can't just walk straight to

the checkout you're doing yeah you're doing the full walk back and forth and snaking around yeah and he'd give an orderly cue and then you'd finally get your turn in the scene sorry mate we're at capacity you're gonna have to get back for five and we'll be like what come on it's it's a desert island there's loads of room no sorry this is designated space you can't use over there because we've got a feeling there's some crabs on the loose down there so you're gonna have to be in this area uh up to the corner if you'd like to step back sorry can you step back and you'd be there just ushering us all and it would just become the most unfun place yeah yeah i think this is a really good choice actually um it's weird with the high vis vest because it's not a badge or proof of any authority,

but it does so much. I remember me and a few friends used to put on the odd rave now and again. Oh, right and wrong. If you ever had to move stuff or shift things a little bit furtively without people cottoning on, we just had a load of high-vis vests. You just get absolute impunity. It's like, why are you taking that speaker down there? Oh, it's fine. He's got a high-vis.ests and you just get absolute impunity to do so why are you taking that speaker down there oh it's fine he's got a high-vis and you know why are you moving that barrier so it can

work in kind of the opposite way to your advantage but it's I mean something that you just literally take out of your pocket and go oh it's all right I can drive the van through here mate I've got one of these and they're like oh yeah fine then it's it's amazing the power it has but it's it's wielded in in the wrong way so often yeah because exactly what you're saying we all trust in in a way we sort of go oh fair play he must he must know what he's doing or okay this guy has authority because he has the vest on people that wear the vest sadly they succumb to its powers and yet you feel untouchable and you start walking into cinemas with step ladders or going into supermarkets

and taking the trolley out with you if you had the high-vis vest on no one would stop you from taking that trolley they wouldn't think you were stealing it they go oh he must be doing some maintenance on it yeah like so i think it just would be so lethal and he would be just my worst nightmare i'd be like oh this is just gonna be the worst experience ever I think it's perfect yeah it's weird isn't it sometimes you know you watch telly and you see I don't know like a dictator in an impressive regime and you just think how have they managed to fool all these people and you just think well given how fooled we are by a person in a high vis vest yeah maybe maybe we're all just idiots you know so okay

well i think that's a really good start for the island because it's just going to make everything more complicated and irritating even when you're trying to have a nice time um who's going to join you then who's the second person second person it's not a personal attack it's more of these people as a whole um but i'm going to use an example and i'm going to say first of all it's newsreaders but i just to give the person a face and a thought it's k burley right k burley's on the plane and it's not that i have an issue with k burley it's just that i can imagine how tough it's going to get on this desert island, you know, and newsreaders turning up and the way they say things makes it a hundred times worse. So, for example, if I was breaking the news to the gang, guys, we're running out of those tiny little crackers that we've been living off for the past three weeks.

We've really got down. I mean, it looks like they're running out. People might go go all right sean don't panic you know what we can go foraging um for some berries or we're gonna climb some trees find some coconuts but if k burley came out and was literally like in breaking news the food source that the passengers have been relying on for many weeks now is starting to diminish making experts wonder will things turn to cannibalism more on this developing story as we carry on and you would you would be terrified if kate burley started saying that you'd be thinking oh my god that's it now we're

gonna have to eat jeff we're gonna have to do it or you know whoever the weakest one in the group is we'd all be staring at him and it would it would just make me panic the second a newsreader starts saying anything in that voice you're like oh god what now yeah yeah no that's true it's true i can imagine her getting vox pops from the um from the guy in the high vis vest as well who'd be only too happy to oblige and tell her exactly how things are on the island at that time oh it'd be bleak thing is you see kate we've had sean eating way too many of the crackers i saw her last night eating them when we'd all gone to bed and the problem is i've tried i've tried to ration them out people aren't paying attention i've got them queuing to the right for the crackers and hopefully

we can we can get some grasp on this and some control of the situation and you'd be like no mate we don't want you controlling the cracker situation k is making it worse than it is we'll just go and find some other sources of food we always knew the crackers would be something that would run out we knew that at the start we've been enjoying the crackers and now we've got to find more food and and those two combined would make this a nightmare again because they'd escalate it yeah yeah 100 and i think with newsreaders i mean because we're living in a time where the news is so bleak so often you know and some newsreaders there's a sort of a glint in the eye that you think if you know when you finish work you're probably all

right you know i reckon you could have a laugh but some of like i don't think k burley's one of them do you know what i mean i just feel like she's always on i get that maybe that's unfair but she's sort of just she's very serious through and through i think k k is almost like how i imagine those american reporters where if something is kicking off that's big or juicy k turns up you know it's big it's like if it's gonna be an epic disaster or something like that k pops up on the screen you know no one else is getting that story she's straight in so her being about on the island would kind of make me think okay this is a bigger disaster than we thought because why was Kay even on this plane maybe it was always going to break down maybe she was doing an expose on dodgy

airlines and now we're part of the story and yeah I think you're right I think her turning up is because she finds the big serious story and she's and she's ready to almost make it make it worse and add a bit more drama. Yeah, it'd almost be like a barometer. You see Kay putting on her smart jacket and you're like, oh no, it's about to go down. She's put the blazer on and the pearls are going on. We're doomed.

Yeah, and I wonder for them as well, if you're so used to that kind of moment of just sort of jumping into action and just sort of like feeding off the bad stories of the day or like the big dramas, just being on an island when nothing happens would probably just absolutely do their head in you know when they're used to that sort of fast-paced excitement so I imagine that probably means it's quite hard for them to relax you know when you just think look we're here let's just get comfortable there's a lovely sunset let's get a fire going but they're

kind of looking for that thing I think that would be quite a tiring energy to have on the island yeah because you're right she'd maybe try and start a debate up if we thought someone wasn't pulling their weight they weren't getting enough firewood she would probably sit us all down on individual tree stumps get in the middle and start sort of you know conducting the chat and say okay we'll start with you Karen did you think this morning it was a good idea to go and get the wood why it was still damp of course it wasn't and sean over here you've been already busy sorting out the cracker situation and making it so much worse by eating it at night you've not admitted it are you going to tell the group how many crackers you've eaten this week she'd end up actually dividing us into which camp we were in yeah and before we know it we would have sides that we you know we'd we'd be

doing stuff to hide food from the other side of the camp and we'd be blaming each other and she'd be pouring fuel on the fire by giving us some breaking news that yeah okay well my sources say that it it was aaron who used that corner for the toilet when we had designated the other leaf. And I reckon this is what would happen. We'd all turn against each other because she'd be enjoying the drama and maybe secretly even recording it, hoping that when she got off the island, she would have this amazing exclusive

of us all turning on each other and maybe attacking each other. Yeah, I'm going to save this for when we get back to land. This is going to be the making of me. I'm going to win Journalist of the Year sort of thing. This is my moment. This is where I get all the awards. Well, as often happens on this podcast,

I think there's the interplay between the characters that makes it so interesting. And I think we're off to a really strong start here. So who's going to be the final person joining you? Ken, it's really hard because, you know, all these people, I'm very likely in my life on radio to maybe come across them and interview them so i'm trying to find reasons to find them annoying in these situations and somebody who i think would just be again because they couldn't actually help as this would be irrelevant on the island i think they would

lose their mind martin lewis the money saving expert because right money would be irrelevant on the island, I think they would lose their mind. Martin Lewis, the money-saving expert. Because, right, money would be of no use on the island, but I don't think he'd be able to kick the habit, so I think he would be somebody who, again, is meddling. And my thing that I think I find annoying in life is people meddling, making things worse, dramatizing stuff that doesn't need to be. You know, Martin would try and bring in a system maybe like a coconut paying system where we each have

our allotted coconuts and then maybe he decides that whoever is cooking the meal that night depending on the level of meal we should pay in coconuts that reflects the value of the meal and then there'd be workers rights there'd be people cooking he'd be giving them 20 minute breaks let's say going down the cooking route and restaurants it's that bit when you finish the meal and there's like an awkward 10 minutes where you're waiting for someone to come over and give you the bill and if martin's brought in this scheme we're gonna have to all be sitting there waiting for the waiter to bring over the bill they bring the bill and you immediately want the card machine in this case you want to give the bill and you immediately want the card machine. In this case, you want to give the coconuts,

but they've already wandered off now, so you have to wait and stare at the bill. Then you have to make that awkward thing. Do we bring them over? You wave, do the nod. Yeah, we want the card machine or we want to pay. Then they come over and then you have to go through this whole thing of paying

and then waiting for the receipt. That whole thing drives me mad. And I'd probably be there going, look, Martin, can we just pay up front in the coconuts of what we think the meal is going to be? No, no, no. No, we have to do this properly. You have to make sure you've enjoyed the meal. As a consumer, you have rights as well. Then afterwards, we do it properly and you pay what you think was proper.

Maybe I've gone mad here but that is the most annoying thing yeah I think it's not the energy you want in that scenario certainly and I think you know Martin Lewis I think at the minute you know he's performing a good service I feel like he's really in his element right now you know there's like the cost of living crisis and you know you see him up. He's become this outspoken, sort of passionate guy rather than just someone telling you about ISIS and stuff. Yeah. Away from that.

I mean, there's two ways it could go. You know, either you take him away from the need to save money or care about any of it. And he just becomes this enlightened monk-like, you know, higher power because he's just completed. You know, there's nothing left for him to do. Or he just goes, we can't kick it. And he's just, yeah, there's nothing left for him to do or he just goes we can't kick it and he's just yeah like you say just finding systems or sort of like trying to streamline everything trying to make it sort of efficient and and as good as possible maybe teams

up with high vis guy you know and that I think you don't have a relaxing island basically at this point this is the thing I'm trying to think of people who would create this stress and this rigid sort of thing and like you say martin lewis in everyday life is is a genius is a legend but on this island where money is just no use you can't use the coupons you can't log on and compare the market on on the palm trees and and the fishing net that you found he's going to like either combust like it like a robot sort of just slightly glitching until they break he's either going to do that or like you say maybe we we find this enlightenment and we realize that you know all along you know his whole life has been consumed by saving money and then we're on this island and he no longer needs money but then we'd get this converted person

that would preach the new way of life onto us and how actually you know let's stop with all the systems and whatever and it could go the other way where no one's saving coconuts and no one's every each man's out for himself yeah it'd be so interesting to see how it goes but yeah i just think these people are very useful but i don't know if i wouldn't want them around for dinner you know no because there's only so much you can hear about coupons and and eventually but martin please just tell me a story about when you shout yourself once or something do you know what i'm saying like sometimes you some people just need to loosen up and get out of work and you realize you can't they don't have like silly anecdotes because sadly they're consumed by the job yeah whenever i'm at a party or with celebs or whatever you don't really

want to ask them about the single or the album or the movie you kind of just want to get straight to oh tell me a funny story like tell me the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Yeah, exactly. No, I think that's very fair. And I think it's a great trio of dicks to start with. So I think we're on very solid ground here already. So well done. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes.

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move on slightly because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I feel like I'd be so disappointed if the only crisps that survived were skips because I don't know how to trust a crisp that doesn't crunch it's like to me I know people love a skip and they'll defend it to the death but it's like a meh crisp it just melts it's got no backbone it I don't i don't even know if it belongs in the crisp category i think it's a cake honestly i get a bit angry about it because how is it crisp if it doesn't crunch it just melts on your tongue yeah i've never really thought about it like that i

mean i think because they do seem quite innocent but yeah i get i get what you mean in a sort of like pick a side mate do you know what i mean in a sort of, like, pick a side, mate. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They're like, commit, you need to commit. Because it's, I suppose it's more similar to a prawn cracker, but they really crunch, you know. A prawn cracker is a more elite version. The skip is its, like, sad cousin.

Yeah, it's kind of like the equivalent of, like, you know, if the prawn cracker is someone who likes to go on a big adventure the the skip is someone who sort of takes their own tin of beans in the suitcase do you know i mean it's the safe version isn't it it's safe just and and and in every aspect it's just about prawn cocktail flavor but not really you're like what it tastes a bit like it could be a prawn or something are you like you're getting a tiny bit of it it's like when your mums drain the prawns for ages in the water and they've just lost that you know it's a prawn but it's so weak and it's so wet you go oh

all right yeah cheers needs a bit of like needs that you know the the salad cream the tomato sauce and make that sauce to make it good this is like the prawn that's had no cocktail put on it yeah yeah because now i think about it it's definitely a crisp that kids it's more for the children isn't it it's like a junior crisp it's not really like maybe it's maybe you're right maybe it's a gateway drug to the bigger crisps you know if like you know at the grown-ups table we've got the kettle chips you know like the spicier ones the ones-ups table we've got the kettle chips you know like the spicier ones the ones that have like taste like a roast dinner or whatever you know and it's like at the kids table you've got like skips there's ones that shape you know is it pom bear you know

the little teddy bear shaped ones yeah but they're you know they've got a bit more you know they've got some salt and bite to them at least yeah well lest we forget the quaver what an elite crisp and that's made for kids. They're not too full of calories. They're pretty light. They've got a little bit of cheese flavouring. But you know with a Quaver that it's cheesy. And you get a crunch.

And it's a cool shape. Would you say a Skip is like... Is it supposed to be a shell? Yeah, I suppose it is like a shell, isn't it? I'm just going to Google whether it says it's prawn flavour or whether it says it's prawn cocktail, because there is no way that it is prawn cocktail. I think it would have to say prawn cocktail, because I think the British public wouldn't buy something

that just said prawn flavour on it. Do you know what I mean? I think in certain markets they'd go for that. Oh, look at this. Right, I'm on to them. So it is prawn cocktail right clearly they've realized it's such a weak flavor they've now brought out tingly prawn cocktail and sizzling salt and vinegar what the art now do you know what i i can just about get on get along with skips but the

idea of a salt and vinegar skip is somehow much worse i don't know why it's like i mean i know what you're saying about prawn cocktail it's almost less prawn cocktail flavor than it is an imitation of that so it's like prawn cocktail flavor flavor it's like one step back isn't it it's like it's diluted you're right it's the flavor of prawn cocktail flavor you're right yeah like diet prawn cocktail flavor crisp imitation snacks you know but is it is it potato oh i don't know i think i bet the rice is in there somewhere or something i just but i don't know what it is about i don't know why it feels stranger to i suppose because i know what a skip is then taking it out of its box and making it salt and vinegar seems just wrong it's like you know when you get salt and

vinegar peanuts and it's like this isn't this is the wrong camp i wanted the the venn diagrams overlap too much it shouldn't be like this i'm sorry i'm knee deep now in skip i've gone in a wormhole to see if they're even i want to know if they are even potatoes oh on wikipedia skips are similar to chinese prawn crackers so you were right that's where they fall under the like their family they're in the prawn cracker family that's what made me think it might be some kind of rice based thing it does say potato starch so i mean again it's the diet potato of the crisp family because you can't be saying the starch the starch isn't that if you boiled a pan of potatoes the water has the starch in it right yeah i think so yeah yeah it's barely even a potato oh man yeah it's a and what's the tingly prawn cocktail is that

just like a bit of more punch to it by doing that you're undermining your existing model aren't you you're saying yeah we need more of this you know you know because we're starting off quite weak you know to to bring out a flavor which is the flavor but with a bit more because you you yeah you don't you don't know what you're getting there are you getting more fizz like is it fizzing quicker on your tongue is it melting with a bit more of a fizz like that popping candy or is it the flavor that's got a bit more pizzazz to it i'm not risking it i think it'd be a waste of a crisp yeah i would never choose it i would never buy it in a meal deal yeah you know what i've never i've never thought this strongly about skips before but i can't fault any of your logic or your arguments here and you know i think you're absolutely right there well what would you try and wash it down with them what's your drink choice

oh can you imagine having to wash it down i mean there's a few drinks that spring to mind that would be the worst and again i'm picturing myself on this island when you are just so thirsty i'm imagining it being quite hot and the thought of having to wash it down with i'm gonna say a cheap rosé and the reason i say this is it's the one that you've you've not thought to ask at the pub what types of rosé they've got you go i can have a rosé and they've given you and also the glass is gonna be it's gonna be that plasticky don't trust you wine glass and i imagine that's how it would be delivered as well the plane is not going to have glass on it so you've got a really bad plastic wine there's no fridge so it's warm and the rose is dark red it's vinegar tasting dark red warm no ice and it's full the other thing

that annoys me actually with with a rose is you don't want it too full you don't want it to the brim it makes it so gross so the thought of having to wash down like a pathetic skip that's prawn diet prawn flavor with a really warm but strong dark red rosé that is the saddest meal i can ever imagine I'm really upset thinking that could be somebody's last meal yeah yeah I mean thinking about like I really like a nice rosé but when it's like that it's not as sweet and nice as something like Ribena which it looks like but it's not as delicious and dry and alcoholic as nice rosé you know it's like it's it's neither camp and and so often this podcast that's what we find are the worst things when it's like a nearly thing you know it's like there are drinks that would probably offend you more but it could be better you know and um yeah and

especially the presentation is really full so you know you think bad wine at least if it's really cold you can sort of get away with it for a bit and then it starts warming up and you're like yeah the next day you've got that sort of sticky feeling yeah oh god i've just had so i do you know what else falls into this category and you're right about it being it's the nearly stuff so that that it's a a rose really needs to me to enjoy it is that proper crisp uh cold and real pale rose real pale pink when it's dark red you're like are you trying to be the red wine you know you're supposed to drink red wine warm but a rose warm is disgusting so what what is going on in that camp where it is dark red it's it hasn't chosen what it is and i get the same fear as getting a really bad rose as when you order a new cocktail do you ever do that where you go oh i'll try the the

french fancy and you're like oh yeah try that cocktail and when it comes out it's just like drinking some sort of toilet cleaner and you have to sit there now you paid 12 quid for it and sort of like nod and be so jealous of everyone else that went for the real bog standard gin and tonic and you're like i wish i'd just got that yeah because this cocktail that i've over prayed for is disgusting yeah totally yeah it's weird isn't it it's kind of with the with the rose thing it's almost like that really dark stuff it's it's for the people who don't really like wine that much so just it's okay to have another drink guys you don't have to have the really shit one it's like oh i don't i don't really like wine but i quite like rosé if it's sweet you know sometimes add some lemonade you know what just just have anything else so you don't need to

it's okay to admit that you don't i don't like some drinks so i choose other ones we've got no shortage it's one thing that we've got plenty of choice in this country we've got a lot of drinks to get us through all the bad times we've got a lot of booze yeah i think that's a miserable drink and um given the company on your island i think you're definitely going to be reaching for the bottle despite all that so yeah now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay. Now, this song one, I work in radio, got a bit nervous thinking, I've got to be careful who I say here, who I slag off, what song I say i don't like because i'll probably interview them and i have to say to them how much i love their music um so i was thinking about this and it reminded me when i used to work in a clothes shop right

we had one cd it had 12 songs on and it used to play we used used to get one CD a month. On repeat, eight hour shift, every day. And it was genuine torture. Like I've never experienced getting so angry about why is it this same CD, but because it was approved and licensed, we had to use the same songs. And every day would be like Groundhog Day. So it made me realise that no matter what song I pick, this is the only one we've got on the island. We're going to hate it.

Even if it's my favourite song in the world, we're going to hate it. So I started thinking of a song that would become quite creepy if it was played on repeat because it shouldn't be a creepy song. But if you heard it day in, day day in day out i'm gonna go with pharrell williams happy oh good yeah i like that can you imagine hearing that on like some of your darker days on the island you may be three months in and it's still going because i'm happy as you're all you know looking each other thinking i'm gonna kill you in a minute yeah yeah definitely i think there are certain songs that people pick that really have a glint of

madness about them that you can really imagine just the descent into insanity with and this is one of them i think some christmas songs also work quite well for that you know but you could just imagine like lying around dehydrated someone's been murdered or you've just had to eat one of your party and then that song comes on and you're just like there sobbing whilst chewingrated someone's been murdered or you've just had to eat one of your party and then that song comes on and you're just like there sobbing whilst chewing on someone's leg or something yeah it would be the end scene of a film yeah it would be it would just be playing your eyes are wild you've got no hair left you're covered in mud alan's dead we're eating Karen uh Kay Burley's gone mad and is interviewing animals and it would just be playing like the most terrifying horror movie and then you've got Pharrell clapping in

the background and that song on repeat I think that would be horrifying yeah definitely oh that's a great choice I think I can just absolutely picture that. I think also for me, that was one of those songs where Pharrell Williams, undoubtedly he's a talented hit maker, but I always find myself incredibly out of step with everything he makes. So every time he makes something, everyone goes wild for it. And I'm always like, yeah, it's all right. Like that's about as interested in his stuff as I ever get. And know that feeling of do you just think why am i so out of step with the world when just everyone goes mad and i've had it for years when it was all like you know it's getting hot in here like everything he touches i just think yeah it's fine you know i never like hate it i never love it and just

so every time i see him, I just think, fuck you, man. Yeah. He's one of those people that he's cooler than his own music. Yes. Yeah, exactly. A hundred percent, man. Yeah, totally. And it's like, I think now just having his name is like, oh, Pharrell did it. Oh, Sound of the Summer.

Oh, have you heard this? And same with like the stuff he did with Daft Punk. I'm like, yeah, it's all right. I don't know. But I think of all of his hits, I think this is the perfect one to go mad on an island to. It's a very good choice. What would your film choice be? This actually does make me a bit angry.

And for your reasons of not understanding the Pharrell hype, I never understood this hype. And it still winds me up to this day. It would be frozen yeah frozen is an average plot it's got a one good song in it and everyone went mad for it and i honestly believe my theory is because for years kids didn't have musical animated movies there was this whole phase of it being don't get me wrong i like stuff like toy story but toy story didn't have any singing numbers in it no musical numbers and then there was like cars and a load of these other movies where you know kids

loved them but suddenly you give them a musical like back in my day when i was a kid growing up and they've all gone mad for it and i think it's purely because they didn't know it existed. They were like, what is this? There's a song that I get to sing along to and it's really catchy. And then it stayed in the charts for ages. And it really, really annoyed me because I was like, oh, my God, wait till you see Aladdin, Lion King, Little Mermaid. Take them back to the good ones.

Yeah, definitely. Because, you know, I have to watch a lot of these films with my sons. And it really, you know, when there's a good one that you all like and you can watch it again and again, it's such a relief. But, I mean, luckily my son hasn't got into Frozen that much. But I just, you know, like the other day walking him to school and there's a little girl singing it. And I said, God, it's been out for what?

Like, is it like 10 years or something now? And it still has that power. And I remember watching it just thinking, for what like is it like 10 years or something now and it still has that power and and I remember watching it just thinking I'm not a big fan of musicals but you know there's some that like you know like Moana has songs in it it's quite good and it's quite upbeat and fun I just think Frozen's just a bit serious and bleak and it's so bleak at the storyline I can't even really remember it think of the buzz of that film how much i must have talked about it all i remember is it's like the more moaning about this place suddenly getting snow it suddenly goes cold and the whole mission is to bring summer back again and it's like come

and live in britain and you will see that like that you like i don't know we spent a whole life being cold and moaning about it but the thought of making a whole disney film about it being cold kind of winds me up and i don't remember anything really i just don't even remember knowing why one of them had powers it's really like annoyed me to be honest how again it's like it's like the whole skip thing going back to it being a bit meh it's a diluted diet disney film that for me wait till they see beaut in the beast or something else like it's just not got that epic storyline yeah i wonder if it's because it sort of simultaneously has you know it's got it's like a cartoon you can watch

and it's got the songs and also the merchandising works well because you've got loads of dolls and dresses and things like that so it's like hits hits kids from lots of angles so james my friend who originally started this podcast his daughter i think he said that she hadn't even seen the film but she was so into it she had like the dresses and posters and the you know like the bed sheets and everything before she'd even seen the film before she's. She had like the dresses and posters and, you know, like the bedsheets and everything. Before she'd even seen the film, before she was old enough to see the film and understand it, she was obsessed with it. And it's like, it's like this grip, like the spell, the magic of the film isn't like that she can turn everything cold. It's just fucking holds children in a death grip and doesn't let them go.

Yeah. Keeps them busy for like two hours yeah and you know I think I've seen it a couple of times but god like just talking about it I've got the song stuck in my head you know just that little bit and yeah it's one of those things like it will just maybe once a year you'll go okay fucking stick it on then because we're on the island there's nothing else to do and then for the next six months you if you next six months if you don't have it in your head someone else will kay burley walks past you humming whilst she's off to interview a palm tree you know humming let it go yeah exactly and again i can imagine that's the sort of thing you're

killing someone to you know like you'll be singing it as you're banging their head bludgeoning them with some like seat plane seat that i've ripped off and i'm just don't tell me to let it go yeah there's a number of reasons that but one of them is definitely that that everyone on the island the second they even heard it once like you say me and you were singing in our heads now anyone listening probably has a song in their head even if you haven't watched the film you know the song it would be it would be relentless and then can either of us really explain the plot do you remember do you honestly remember what the point of it was no i think two princesses one makes things icy that's it i don't know why i can't remember but yeah i think it's a really good choice.

I'm not anti things like that at all. Good Disney films with fun stories and fun songs, I think are great and genuinely fun for the whole family. But yeah, Frozen can fuck off. Yes, amen to that. Okay, right. We're going to distract people from that now because finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? This is an animal, right, that I dreamt of meeting one day. I had seen the Instagrams and I was like, this is my dream. This is something, a bucket list thing I have to do. It's a moment I feel left out that i haven't done it i got obsessed with the idea of doing it and that was to meet those swimming pigs right the swimming pigs that you see i don't know where they are but barbados or bermuda or they're out in some gorgeous tropical island and you saw these like gorgeous pictures of people

this little piggies swimming up to the boat and you're feeding them you're cuddling with them and then i met somebody who had actually been to see the swimming pigs I don't know if it helps add to the story but it was Kelly Brook right Kelly Brook said to me she was like oh my god she was like I saw all the instagrams I had to go and see those swimming pigs so she said she got out there and they were actually horrible, aggressive, biting you. Like all those pictures of influencers with these pigs, they literally, apparently like the pig would like come up behind you and go like, and like go to bite you. And as it's like going, you take the picture and it obviously looks like the pig smiling or like, oh, look at it.

But it's milliseconds from like taking ripping flesh out of you. She said, I'm sure she said one of them bitter. and then once you feed them they don't want anything to do with you they're very fickle and they yes they come swimming up to the boat but if you try and get in with them they swim away and they run away and she said it's like the biggest letdown so it made me it crushed my dreams and it made me think oh i love the idea of these cute swimming pigs i thought they were just so sweet and now i know that they're arseholes that's amazing I wonder if they've just they're just sick of influencers or something they used to be really nice until it became a thing and now they're like yeah I got this one the other day yeah fucker um uh do you

know what it reminds me I was once somewhere in asia and we were like by this river and there were these big water buffalo that would come down to the river and this it was kind of like the it was like a beach you know so it was although it was a river he kind of treated it like being at the seaside and we're just sitting there sunbathing splashing around and it was like oh look at these majestic creatures come down and one had a calf with it and it's like oh isn't it beautiful and then one of them took the biggest piss i've ever seen i mean because it's a water it's the size of a volvo basically so imagine how big you know they can obviously can have a massive piss and after that i was like i'm so glad this is free flowing water but every time when i see things like that you think oh yeah swimming with

the pigs i don't want the pig to like shit near me while i'm in the water though you know and i guess you know the fish are doing it all the time, but somehow that sort of seems, when it's a pig, and like, and you're going to, you know, you're going to live with these bastards on the island. So it's like, they're going to be around you all the time. So they're going to be nicking food and biting you. And obviously you won't, you know, batteries are going to run out on the phone.

So the selfie game's over pretty quick. And yeah, just, I'm just upset really that they're not as cute and i've always loved pigs thought they're very sweet but yeah what a shame that these are so aggressive i know i know i mean it's a weird thing isn't it anyway just to have pigs swimming and then to make them really like feral and aggressive it's just like it's like a really weirdly designed character it's like how did you come up with this one? Like, what's going on there? But yeah, I think it's great, especially because it fits in with the desert island so well.

So yeah, I think it's a fitting end to your horrible island. So I think you've done a great job choosing your people and things today. So thank you so much for coming on. Sean, where's the best place, obviously, to keep up to date with what you're up to? Obviously, you're on the radio all the time yeah but get me on yeah i'm on capital every morning uh 6 a.m till 10 you can get me on the breakfast show for more nonsense but in general get on my instagram i don't tweet as much anymore and i'm not really amazing at tiktoks i've got

some up there and they're okay you can have a look and be the judge for yourself but um yeah get on my instagram and it's just sean welby nice fun well sean thank you so much for coming on today it's been a real pleasure thank you so much for having me i've loved it so there you go that was desert island x with sean welby and uh that's about it so yes hopefully we will see you next week at the bedford pub in ballam south london tickets are available from the link on the description of this podcast from our twitter and instagram and from cheerful earful.co.uk. If you like this podcast, well then I'm glad. It makes me happy that you're happy. But it would be lovely if you could leave us a rating or a review, preferably both, and, you know, tell your friends. That would be great.

It's getting colder and darker and wetter and grimmer. We all need a bit of laughter in our lives. And if this podcast has cheered you up or just entertained you for an hour or so then yeah tell your friends about it. That would be wonderful. Desert Island Dicks is a Sink Clap production. It was created and produced by James Deacon. It's produced and presented by me Dan Benedictus and often it's edited by Chris Attaway but I did it this week which is why it's probably not as good as when he does it. Special thanks as always to John Deacon for his unwavering support and we'll be along with another Desert Island Dicks next week. Thanks for listening. Bye.