Desert Island Dicks - SIKISA

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

Comedian Sikisa joins Dan to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck with on a desert island. Because that's the format and it would be weird if we changed it now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and Desert Island Dicks is just what you're about to listen to, so this is just further proof that you're in the right place.

Today we've got the comedian Sakisa just waiting to tell you all about the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with. And she'll be coming up very shortly. What am I going to say? I didn't write any of this down, but you know the deal by now. I usually come on at this point and I say who the guest is, I've done that, then I will say something like, please get in touch with us, dixpod.com slash contact and tell us your picks for the worst people and things imaginable to be stuck on an island with. And then we could feature yours in our spin-off podcast, Compact Dix. So do that, please. That would be nice.

I'm really tired. That's why I'm rambling so much. Also, we would appreciate your support. We would like you to give us a little rating and a review and do subscribe, please. That would be really nice. It would make a small podcast very, very happy. I think that's it. I'm just going to keep it brief today. Let's get into it. It's Sakisa on Desert Island Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and writer Sikisa. How are you doing? Hey I'm good thank you, how are you? I'm good, I'm good. I'm watching this beautiful day we've got outside while I sit indoors and work away. It's a lovely day the sun is out I cannot

wait for spring because we're going to be free soon we are going to be free. I'm trying to be optimistic because a part of me is like god I can't believe I'm stuck at home doing work on a lovely day like this but then I was like I'd rather look outside and see sunshine while I'm working than see rain constantly because that just compounds the feeling so I'm feeling upbeat. And I how are you feeling today you're feeling like I mean obviously I'm about to ask you about the worst things and people in your world so uh you know you're feeling in a good frame of mind for this sort of discussion or I'm ready to bitch about some people um it's good it's sometimes I feel like it's good to have that opportunity to say things that you don't like because it's very rare for me to do that I'm quite a positive person so I do like a bit of like gossip but like bitching about people is not something I'm often doing but I'm quite excited

to do good okay so this can be a little sort of safety valve to just release a little bit of pent up anger and you can carry on being a nice person for the rest of your life yeah it's like therapy Okay, so this can be a little sort of safety valve to just release a little bit of pent-up anger and you can carry on being a nice person for the rest of your life. Yeah, it's like therapy, just for an hour. Great, great. Well, let's dive straight in then. Who's going to be the first person joining you on your island? The first person that I've picked is Bear Grylls. Okay, yes, Bear Grylls. What about him do you hate particularly?

I just hate the fact he's he seems like a lovely person i'm not don't get me wrong he seems like a lovely person but i take the fact he's very much into like making people work for survival they're just like i i mean i watched a couple of his of his shows and when he tried to get Barack Obama to do a survival lesson and it was just like, leave him alone. He is the president. Stop making him chop up wood and eat weird things. It's like, it will be like, who wants to be a celebrity 24 hours a day?

And I don't want that on an island. I just want to enjoy the time yeah and like enjoy the sun i think the one with barack obama as well it's like look if barack obama crashes in the wilderness he's going to be surrounded by a shitload of people that are going to be okay at surviving with him yeah even if it's a bad crash like there's going to be so many security around him that like at least two of them are going to survive and they'll know enough i would have thought exactly unless they're just sort of like the kind of american security that just shoot everything but they actually have the

sort of actual survival skills but i think he'll be okay he can always eat them if it comes to it and that's the thing like i feel like with bear grills he would be teaching us like the ins and outs of like how to like roast the body and you like you don't want to know that that's the gross you just want to have some fun like my island i envision it to be all about fun and having a party and like if things go wrong then we'll all eat it together i feel like bear grills would be very much making us work all the time and i was like no i just want to have some fun yeah i like that outlook on him yeah i think um because i know some people will think he's the best person

to have on an island but i'm like no he's probably the worst do you know what no i've learned from doing this that people absolutely hate bear grills like i i didn't have opinion an opinion on him either way really I just thought he was kind of just a guy on telly but like people very passionately dislike Bear Grylls I can tell you and I think like one thing I think about him is like you've got survival skills but whenever I've seen a program with him he's always talking about the importance of keeping up morale which I get obviously in a survival situation but I really think that his style of morale would be very different from mine. Like, you know, my idea of a good time would just be, like,

sitting around a campfire just talking shit, but he'd want to sort of, like, add some sort of kumbaya singing in that. And I'm like, bear, leave it. Not now. He's like, no, but it's important for morale. I'm like, it's not helping my morale, bear. Exactly. And he'd just sort of insist to the point where it was actually, like, quite draining on your morale.

Yeah, I feel like maybe, maybe like i think after day five you would want to end up killing their girls and eating his body i feel like that's the way it would go because he i feel like he would be very much in your face why are we not doing this let's chop some trees oh look there's a new species of bird oh look there's a new set of insects that we haven't seen before go away yeah and i think as well like you'd be kind of trying to do stuff yourself a bit after a while and like because you know you you might not want to let you sort of basically want him to do everything but he'd probably insist that you know he can't do everything because you know you've all got to keep fit and active and keep your mind healthy so you'd be trying to do stuff and he'd come over and be like oh okay so you're uh you're building the shelter um i find a good way of doing that is to and you're like oh fuck it well

just do it i don't care just do it then yeah but don't look over my shoulder ah but you've got to learn you know like when you're young and you ask your parents for help with your homework and what you want them to do is just tell you all the answers so you can go and watch telly but they're like no no you've got to learn how to i'll sit and do it this way yeah i'm gonna work it out with you so that you're learning you know just tell me the fucking answers yeah i think it's gonna be like that when you say that like um when we were young my mom still does that now my mum is very much like one of those people this is like oh you need you need to be doing this have you picked up your phone have you got your

keys what's going on with your hair don't wear that piece of clothing i'm like go away well i know you know what my mum i mean she was an english teacher for years so she's constantly correcting my language and then once i think she was helping babysit while i went to a wedding and i came back quite pissed and she was like i think you should go to bed i was like mum i'm 39 and it's half past eight so you know i i know what you're talking about okay so bear grills is going to join you on the island then and um anything else on Bear before we move on? Like I said, I think he seems like he's a lovely person. But watching everything that he does, like if I was a man, I would hate him.

Because he just seemed like the alpha man in a weird way. And I just feel like he's a bit of a show-off. Yeah, yeah. Like stop showing off your skills. Like is there anything that you can't do wrong he just seems too much of a perfectionist and i don't like perfectionists i just i need something to go wrong so i can tell that you're human maybe he's a robot maybe it would make sense i think that's why he doesn't he manages to eat all that weird crap and doesn't seem to flinch too much yeah like eating mud and

like i don't need all of that yeah thanks yeah i mean there's a reason that people dislike him so much but they don't like the equivalents like ray mears people don't seem to have a big problem with him because there's there doesn't seem to be an arrogance behind it like he would genuinely sort of want everyone to learn the same as i think bear grills there'll be a sort of i don't know there's just it feels like something's going on in the background yeah i feel like someone's controlling bear grills that's how it feels like there's a machine or like there's a higher power i feel like this turned into like a waffle like i do feel like like he can't be this perfect. And I want to know what is so wrong with Bear Grylls. Like, there has to be something wrong with him. He just can't be that perfect.

And I just think him on the island, he would get on my nerves. And when I just want to have a sleep until four o'clock in the afternoon, or just lay on the beach and watch the lovely sunset he'd be asking me to like make the fire cook some food learn how to open up a coconut I'm like from Barbados I know how to do all of this it's fine nice well good argument on bear so he's going to join you on the on the island um who else is going to join you who's your next choice well it's actually weird that you mentioned that your mom is an english teacher because i wanted to put a white english teacher fair enough yeah school yeah i don't know if i can i name her if you're comfortable with it

oh i'll give her the abbreviation okay i'll do the abbreviations because I've recently found out that my cousin who is going to be 11 this year is going to the same secondary school that I went to and that how this teacher who was the head when I left is still the head of English and this is like 20 years ago so I'm just like how old am I? Yeah no I'm not that old 20 years ago so i'm just like how do i how do i yeah no i'm not that old 15 years ago so you're in an awkward position where you kind of partly want to warn your cousin but also partly don't want to like scare them before they go to this yeah exactly so it's lj she was so annoying like she made us read hands may tell at school and that was before obviously it was a tv show and i just could never get into the book yeah and then i think she caught on this and then one day she made me read out a chapter to the whole class.

And I can't, I'm not good at reading out aloud. I've always wanted to be like tested for this lecture. So I can't say the word. I've always wanted to be tested. But as an adult, it's expensive. But I didn't clock when I was younger that maybe that was what it was. But she would always make me read out loud and I hated it and I remember reading out like this chapter and I just couldn't get past the word and it just was getting on my nerves to the point where I just ended up in tears in the class and I

just hated her so much after that because I just felt quite obviously embarrassed as a kid to like have that happen in front of everyone else but she was so annoying and she was so fair enough she's enthusiastic about reading and English fair enough because she is an English teacher but she she was just so annoying and she took up half the classroom and and she would wear the weirdest like clothes that looked like they were from the 1930s and one day that she said that bambi was a sex whore what yeah it came out of nowhere yeah bambi because we were talking about yeah the day we were talking about women um in literature and out of nowhere she was like oh yeah like even back in uh back in the old days women were still portrayed as nothing as sexualized look at bambi bambi's a sex whore sorry what wow well i mean to be fair often hear blokes talking about that going oh you know that bambi if i was a deer you know yeah and i was just like you're talking about

bambi right you're not talking about cinderella or stephen beauty or bell you're not talking about you're talking about bambi it was just so random wow that is mad yeah I it's such a sort of trick like obviously with teachers it's like you know sometimes you've got to put people out of their comfort zone and sort of like learn learn to sort of I don't know be put on the spot and read out loud and stuff but like I imagine as a teacher it's quite important to be able to gauge you know the comfort level of your students and kind of adapt your stuff you know like if someone's clearly uncomfortable with it it's like well okay sometimes making people do something a bit more can get level of your students and kind of adapt your stuff you know like if someone's clearly uncomfortable with it it's like well okay sometimes making people do something a bit more can get you past

that but if it's happening again and again you're still making them do it it's like just read the room a bit you know yeah and and you know even if you're doing it deliberately to piss them off it's like it's such a mortifying way to sort of have to, I don't know, I'm comfortable reading in front of people, but I still don't find it that comfortable when I was in school, because it's like such a, I don't know, it's just such a skin-crawling thing to do. Especially when you can't get past, I remember words will process in my head,

but they just don't still come out my mouth and it's it's so weird when you're a kid to like be forced to read certain books that you just are not interested in like who cares about of mice and men no one cares about what like he broke he broke what was it a mouse or yeah do you know i haven't read it i think this thing a mouse is it he killed a mouse he snapped some he snapped someone's head and then he snapped a woman's head it was just like okay domestic abuse i don't know what like certain books as a kid when you're like 11 to like 15 16 years old you just don't like why can't we just read comic books that would have been educational yeah but that's the thing is like do you ever have it i remember at

school like you know when there's like different classes and they had to read different things even though they're the same age as you like sometimes it'd be like the next class in the same year we'd like be reading a much more interesting book and you're like wait why don't you have to read this shit and it's like oh the teacher picked this one and you're like the fuck like i'm reading you know like i know my mum was bad for this because i remember her she was like the only teacher that still made her students read chaucer which is like you know pre-shakespeare like you try and read it and it's like oh my god i have no idea what's going on in this like yes like i can barely understand shakespeare that well but it's chaucer and i was like mum students are gonna hate you for this because they could be reading

to kill a mockingbird or something instead of this and you're making me read this it's impossible she made us read chaucer and i was like i have no idea what's going on it felt like it was like justice league the first one in 2017 like I had no idea what was going on. Like, that's how I felt reading this book. Like, what is, can someone give me a subplot? What, and you just, it's weird when you have to read something and you just don't understand it. Then you try and read it again and you're like,

I still don't understand it. Like, this is not my time. No, no, I know. But you must have got it bad because obviously your mum is an English teacher so did you did your mum have to like give you extra education at home like was she trying to impose on you more books well do you know what I don't know well it's weird with me like she'd have a go at me a lot for not reading very much I'm so I'm also I'm dyslexic as well but um I think because of having her constantly badgering me I'm like I'm actually

alright at the sort of reading and grammar and spelling and stuff but when it comes to like reading Shakespeare my brain does not process it at all like anything that's like quite complicated to read like you know at uni or something if there's like really long difficult sentences that's really tricky so it sort of didn't add up a lot

of the time you know what I mean I kind of quite liked it but some of it I'm like, how come I feel thick today, but not that, you know, like I'm really good at this, but I'm not good at that. And surely it's the same thing. Um, but yeah, I dunno. I mean, my mum loves Shakespeare and she used to try and like, get me to go, like, get me to love him too, which is, you know, fair enough. Enough people have loved him over the years that there must be something in it. Right. I'm not going to say it's shit I'm just going to say not for me so she used to take me to go and see loads of plays and I hated it like I'd get so bored and I didn't understand anything and I remember like you know there's an intermission

but it's sometimes like I don't know it'd feel like two hours to an intermission and you come back in it's like another hour and a half and when you're young it goes on forever and I remember once being so bored that you know when you like close your eyes and you press on your eyelids until you see funny patterns just doing that for something to do because I was so like excruciatingly bored so you're like what colors can I create today yeah yeah it's just like you know this 11 year old sort of like tripping that's the closest you can get but yeah I just I just hated reading it was just not my thing and I think like I'm a doer like I learn things from action and repeating it rather than reading yeah so I to be honest I don't know how I've got so far in, like, education because I hated reading.

And I think it's because I managed to, like, figure out ways of it, of, like, seeing pictures and, like, doing it that way that I managed to, like, with my English exams, I had to draw pictures in order for me to, like, get them in brain in my head. So even though I did get an A I'm not saying it's because of Miss LJ no it's not because of her but I think that's that's the difficult thing isn't it because it's like everyone learns in different ways and like often people only discover they

like learning when they find something that they can discover themselves in a way that they can learn themselves you know and it's like that's sort of the thing about teachers is you've got to also recognize that and like you can have two so you know like one year at school you know you might love history and the next year you get a different teacher and suddenly it's your the subject you hate the most because it matters so much there's so much scope for them just destroying your life and like you know making you just dread tuesdays because that's the day you have like double maths or whatever it is that yeah you know i just think her on the island would just be horrendous because she'll just bring all these books

where i'm just like i've downloaded all the films on my ipad i'm just gonna watch them thank you very much she'll just be like no we need to read the books i'm like no i will watch them thank you very much obviously like curriculum has changed over the years and it seems they've got more fun they just need to put comic books on the curriculum and i think it will just be a little bit more better yeah why not and also i just think you on an island with someone who used to be your teacher is always gonna be a recipe for disaster because like it doesn't matter like it's like you know if you grow up and then you see an old teacher somewhere public like a supermarket it's really hard not to call them by their teacher name.

You know, say, oh, hello, Mr. Jenkins or whatever. And even if they say, no, no, no, call me Steve. You're like, no, you're right. You know, or like there'd be the one teacher at school, like the art teacher, be like, call me Yasmin. And you're like, oh, no, I don't know. I can't just call you miss whatever it's just weird you know and you're you're gonna carry that through onto the island even though it's like your life is depending on all getting along together it's still gonna be

hard you don't want to have to like sit on the island and have to be formal with everyone yeah it's just like can we just have a little bit of fun, please? I don't have to be going, hey, Miss LJ, can I have a drink of water, please? Can I have a bathroom break, please? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Fair enough. Okay, we'll move on then. Who's going to be the third person joining the three of you?

Okay, the third one that's joining the island, who I think deserves to be on the island, is even though we've never met this person, or probably will never never met this person or probably will never have met this person they just they totally deserve to be an island mariah carey oh yes okay yeah and uh what is it in particular about mariah she's a diva yeah and i uh i wouldn't call myself a diva. I just like to say that I'm very picky about certain things, but I also like to have fun, and I don't want it to be the Mariah Carey island

where she's very much like, all the time, trying to hit octaves that she can't hit anymore. Like, she'll have, like, 25 people running around her just to hold her dress or something stupid like i don't want all the attention on mariah carey i want it to be equally spread out amongst everyone and i just think it will just be so dramatized everything yeah and she'll be having someone like have given her like strawing her a coconut milk on the side someone doing a pedicure after killing a bird or something and like taking out parrots like colors from the wings i just think it would just be so much of a diva fest and it would just turn into an

indoor concert and i just don't want to hear mariah carey sing no no i i just think of all the i mean she really is a sort of like the figurehead isn't she of like diva musicians in sort of especially in like r&b and stuff right yeah i i sort of expect any musician who's reached that level, even if they seem nice on the surface, to be quite hard work, just because they've had years and years of people doing a lot of stuff for them.

So it's kind of difficult to decondition yourself from that. But I think some people seem like that would be more of a unconscious thing than others. You know, where she feels like, it feels like she's consciously just dived headfirst into that role of being being like very very high maintenance and difficult to sort of hang out yeah i just think she i think she does it on purpose like she's trying to be a dick on purpose like she knows she can get away with it so she's like you know what i want 2500 pizzas

that's her vibe like she wants Nando's, but 25 of the pieces of chicken need to be hot. 25 need to be lemon herb. Like, that's civic. Make sure the chicken was left-handed. Yeah. Like, she'll ask for ridiculous things that is just untangible. And it would just be unbearable

to live on an island with her where her range is still just going off all the time. Like her just trying to relive, because obviously her Christmas song is a song that is always played every single year. And I want it to get to a point where it's not. I'm like, can we stop playing this song, please? Because it's always playing.

And I'm just like mariah carey nowadays i just feel like she's trying to relive a career that's never going to be the same again yeah and i just think that's what's gonna i that island's going to be just her trying to relive this career and i'm just like no no no no no yeah i just i don't know i remember watching her episode of cribs years ago, and she just seems quite mad. Just a bit odd as well. You know, like there's a really awkward bit. I remember she was like, oh, yeah, this is my hot tub. And then she has to get in the hot tub. Obviously, she doesn't want to be naked, so she has to put like a towel on.

And it's like, well, if you wanted to get in the hot tub, why don't you just wear a bikini or something? If you had to show people that you had a hot tub. But she sort of like has to show that she's got one and that she's naked but she's like people don't get in a hot tub wearing a towel and there were just loads of weird things like that or like she had like a whole a whole room that was just like a beauty salon it was like but i mean you've got a massive house surely your bedroom's big enough to get your hair done like why do you need a whole room yeah you know i mean she's got too much money yeah i remember that episode of cribs and i do remember this being like i don't like it i really don't

like it and then she got married to nick cannon off the whim and i was like this is the weirdest thing ever like what is going on and then she had her film glitter which bombed really badly like i never saw it but i knew it bombed and it's just like no mariah carey and then you just see her on stage now she's like nearly 50 or she must be maybe she is 50 but she's like she must be nearly i don't know she's probably beyond 50 yeah yeah but she's always she's always trying to like fit herself in to these tight clothes and i'm like no leave it to the youngsters put yourself in some jeans no one cares and then her like trying to do runs that she can't do anymore having like i feel like she'll just carry on the island like a tape recorder or like a cd recorder so she can like mime her songs

because she can't do them justice anymore yeah i mean i think sort of you see people with entourages and stuff and like i've heard stories about people working with her just sort of go you know like her entourage becomes so such a thing and she's got so many demands that people are second guessing her to the point when they're like hmm wait what time's the interview no she's going to need to eat before that and like people even in the background figuring out what time she's going to eat and because they're so scared of her I just think the idea of like having to work with Mariah Carey is so scary that being stuck with her forever even if you know you don't have anything to plan for you've got no schedule or anything she's got nowhere to be or dates in the diary but still the logistics of just

living with mariah i think would just be horrendous yeah i think if anything it will get to a point where bear grill has to kill mariah carey and then we will use the books from mr lj to make a campfire to roast her book okay well you've got it all worked out then so that seems pretty pretty wrapped up so fair enough then you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. All right. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and

why are they so bad? bad well my face just says it all it's blue cheese and tomato juice okay all right which one should we take down first let's talk about the cheese okay i don't understand cheese in general i can have this big thing that i don't understand what's wrong with my cheddar right but people are quite obsessed with cheese but blue cheese out of them all is the worst one it's mold yeah like we eat i'm not me because i don't eat that but mold people are eating mold yeah yeah i don't understand how it works i just i and then people try and put blue cheese sauce with chicken wings. And I'm like, no, what are you doing? Don't destroy a good, perfectly fit chicken with some mould. Makes no sense.

Yeah, I mean, it's just something that looks like it was found under a rock or like on the side of a tree. It's a weird thing. Now, I'm not a fussy man. I can eat blue cheese. But even as i do it i kind of have to question how the fuck this is acceptable like you know i suppose at least now there's a thing where like we know it's just a cheese we know it's okay to eat but the first person didn't someone someone like pushed the envelope with that like someone saw a cheese

saw it go bad and they went yeah i'm gonna eat it like jeff don't eat that like it's it's blue man it's got blue veins in it wait no no fuck it i'm gonna do it it's like dude you're drunk like just throw it away and then he did it and and also like you know i can eat it but it's not until i was a grown-up you know it took me a while of just going what the fuck is this and then sort of gradually going in like even the smell is horrendous like you can smell it from a mile off and i don't like it feels like it's like made in like some weird factory where everyone is quarantined i feel like it could be used to like test people's sense of smell oh yeah definitely do you have a bad sense of smell here's some blue cheese it's just so disgusting like the smell of it just literally makes me gag

like i'm so disgusted by it and it's like you say it's like if you was younger and you saw this your mum would be like don't touch that that's disgusting like don't eat that i don't get it with foods like that like Like, they're okay. Like, you see it sometimes with, like, salamis and stuff, and they're just, like, hung up and just left for, like, a year. And you're like, why does that work? But other stuff, other meat, if you did that, would just be incredibly fucked.

You know, just be rough. Yeah. So I don't really get that. And also, like, it can be so expensive. Someone I used to date bought blue cheese, and they spent £20 on it. Right, like, it can be so expensive. Someone I used to date bought blue cheese and they spent £20 on it. Right, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, on cheese? We're spending money on...

Like, go to Iceland, for God's sake. It is a pound. I don't know if I've said this before. I had, like, two friends who used to live together. And one of them was a vegetarian. So at Christmas, he was like, most of the good stuff at christmas is like meat based so he'd get a bit bored so his treat to himself was like cheeses he loved cheeses

so he'd buy like loads of different so one year he bought like 21 different cheeses for himself and he said it was the year james brown died because he did a 21 cheese salute and put 21 different cheeses on on one cracker and that was his tribute to James Brown and then the next year he was like how do I outdo that and he was like fuck it I'm just gonna buy one massive Stilton and that was his treat but our other friend Jim who he lived with hated it so much he forced him to keep it out in the shed so every time he wanted some of his cheese he had to like go down the garden get some out the shed and then come back in so he like properly like you say about quarantine like he had like he made him quarantine he's like i'm not having that in my house like i don't

understand people's fascination with cheese in general like it's like christmas people will stack like like you say 21 cheeses and just eat that and like on a menu in a restaurant there's cheese as a starter and then cheese as dessert oh yeah i never thought of that i don't understand the concept why is there so much cheese and a cheese platter or cheese board just don't understand it it's cheese and people like it's lovely it's moist i'm like no it's cheese and on a desert island it's really i mean like even if you like, it's cheese. And on a desert island, it's really, I mean, like, even if you like it, it's just the last thing you want to be dealing with there, basically. Yeah, it's so nasty.

I literally cannot tell you how bad. Whenever I get, like, a chicken wing and they try and give me a blue cheese sauce with it, and I'm like, who do you think I am? No, take this away. Give me a barbecue sauce, please. All right, fair play. And then tomato juice is your drink choice as well then? Yes.

So in general, I don't like tomatoes, but obviously ketchup is a winner. You've got to have ketchup and everything. But tomato juice? no like it's disgusting it tastes rank it tastes like it it looks like something's come out of you number one but then it tastes like i can't even like describe It tastes like someone's thrown up, mixed it in with like Tabasco sauce or something like that. Just mixed it in with Tabasco sauce. And then plumped it back out to drink again.

So you can throw it back up. That's how it looks and that's how it tastes. It just tastes so nasty. It just has, it has probably the worst taste. I remember someone said to me try this and i was like i've seen dot cotton do this all the time on these senders i could do this had had a sip and then i literally just spat it in someone's face by accident it was so bad i don't know how people drink it see you know what so um i'm very happy to uh put this on the

island with you but i think i'm probably the absolute opposite because I like everything tomatoey except ketchup so I'm like we're polar opposites on this but I do understand why people don't like tomato juice I can understand it I think even when I'm enjoying it I still like, there's something about the way it runs

down the glass you know like it leaves it leaves that thing yeah it's like a slug it leaves like a trail down the glass you know like it leaves a it leaves that thing like yeah it's like a slug yeah it leaves like a trail down the side and that i kind of wish like i mean it would definitely be improved if it didn't do that because you see it at the end and you're like and it's not something you can have too many of you know like with bloody marys and stuff like maybe like two is the limit yeah i don't understand why people do that to themselves for like brunch and breakfast have a bloody mary like what does it do for you it just it with a celery stick in it like

oh god no like it's just i don't know maybe it's because i'm from barbados and that's just not our thing we're just very much like rum oranges pineapple guava yeah tomorrow no why would you do that? Yeah, again, on like a desert setting or, yeah, you know, like a lovely tropical island like Barbados. I think, yeah, it's not really what, I mean, I have been to Barbados and at no point did I feel like a tomato juice. So, you know, it doesn't make sense in that setting.

And on a desert island, you know, even though I like it, I don't think it would it it wouldn't do anything for me like i wouldn't be sort of going oh at least there's all this tomato juice left you know like in other settings i might be quite pleased to see it but um not on a desert island yeah no with like with some blue cheese and some like slug light tomato juice no thank you you can keep that yeah it's a bad meal okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite

film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why so my least favorite song is someone you loved by lewis capaldi i think i'm pronouncing this name capaldi yeah capaldi yeah mainly because it was it's like the uk's number one record of like 2019 and it literally was everywhere everywhere but also i don't think it's as good as a song as everyone thinks it is no no i don't understand the hype and to be honest there's been quite a few songs over the last like five years that have been like continuously number one or top of the charts and i don't understand why and i think it's because of the change of our like system of how we rank songs nowadays because everything's now downloads rather than cdu buying and stuff like that but like for example like blinding lights by the weekend has been on like the top five

billboards in america for like a year now and i'm like it's not that great yeah it's weird i wonder if it's like because you know like was it when a load of people getting upset about the proms that they weren't gonna sing i don't know whichever song it was like rule britannia or something and they all go oh this is outrageous we're gonna get it to number one and they did quite easily just because everyone's just on spotify and no one's really buying music that much so it's like i think it's not this sort of like god everyone loves this song right now you know like when we were young and it was like

wet wet wet for like months on end you know yeah i think now it's just like it's just a weird like oh right some people are listening to this a lot you know like whoever's still buying cds is listening to this a lot yeah lewis cabal it's quite a sort of um it's very downbeat isn't it it's quite sort of it's very depressing it's very it's i think obviously it's a love song but it's just not my kind of love song it's not like if someone played that for me as like a dedication i would be like are you right is everything okay yeah do you want to call someone yeah but i just don't see how like people were like i played us at weddings i'm like no don't ruin someone's special day exactly my other thing is that that one song like i'm sure he's lovely i've heard he's lovely but that one song has

like made it seem like he's the best songwriter or artist ever yeah yeah it's just the one song there's just a constant stream of these sort of like young white singer-songwriters and it'll be lewis capaldi and before that you've got ed sheeran and then there's like the guy with the deep voice and there's the guy with the hat and one plays the piano but one plays the guitar and one's got like a synth and it's like oh fuck's sake it's just like you can just see the music industry just like pushing them out yeah laboratory somewhere going like what about this one this one's not very good looking but he's got a voice an angel this one is good looking but his voice is a bit more average but

he's got a hat you know and it's like fucking hell you know like it's so boring and um i didn't realize that until you just said that but they are like and they're all sick of those ones yeah every year there's another one and then like and then after like two years they won't have done anything for a bit and then they come back and it's like oh i forgot about that one yeah oh yeah but now he's like now he's you know he's grown up now he's like i don't know now he's considered like established you know he's like like a veteran of the music industry so let's have a look at him again and i just it's all quite boring at some time like with someone like lewis capaldi it's like quite dirgy slow

dull love songs and then people go oh yeah but he's been on this really funny spout on twitter with one of the gallaghers or like yeah but if you hear him in interviews he's really entertaining and it's like well james blunt is funny on twitter but his music's still fucking shit and like you know like what does it say on his cv says musician and he's not good at that so like obviously i'd rather that you know if i have to listen to this guy on the radio all day, it probably does make it better knowing that in real life he'd be OK. Yeah. But why isn't his music OK as well? Yeah, but I honestly feel like the song is just, like,

a revamped, remixed version of, like, an Ed Sheeran, Gary Barlow type of song. And it's just like... Yeah. Can we stop tuning out the same type of song and it's just like yeah can we stop tuning out the same type of songs like someone puts out a love song or heartbreak song and it's automatically everyone's like oh it's great it's amazing and then it just on air on playlists or like you turned up you couldn't turn on the radio without hearing this song and it just got to a point where I was just like okay no more radio

yeah yeah it's like wait a minute I've just realized I live in 2021 and I can listen to literally anything in the world yeah yeah okay fair and you don't want something depressing on the island with you no because I've already got my eye carry so okay what would your film choice be my see i i was quite stuck with this okay because i had the choice of showgirls right which i decided no that's a cult classic we have to keep but then my problem i had was is that it was the whole twilight saga right well i'll give you the thank you yeah yeah that counts cheers it's the whole box or twilight it's so horrendous the acting is so bad it's so bad and i i had read the books before okay so you were invested you do actually like it but i wouldn't say that

the books are obviously like fan fiction so when i was in school we were like very much into fan fiction stuff so like when twilight came out it was like oh fan fiction yeah and i'm very much into like marvel stuff and dcs are like outside worlds kind of things so I would occasionally like venture into like werewolves like Buffy Buffy was a cult classic so was Angel so I was like maybe it's gonna be like this and I read the books I was like okay the books are all right they're very much aimed at like teenage lovey-dovey kind of vibes and it's very much the innocent oh we're in love we have to get married then we can have sex kind of vibe whereas the films was just bad acting and the scene where they do eventually have sex i actually watched it in the cinema with my one of my best friends and I don't know why we weren't

watching the cinema we spent money on this but I think it was dawning break part one and there was kids who were like 11 12 in the cinema and the scene was so awkward that i literally was just like drowning in my seat because it was so awkward and i know they were dating in real life at the time that it was filmed but you couldn't tell because there was no sexual chemistry in this at all it was just real bad acting and i don't understand how it made so much money yeah it's almost like they kind of thought well lots of teenagers are going to be into this so we don't need to try that hard you know so you still make it good anyway you know even if you are just kind of same with like lewis cabaldi i know that lots of teenagers are going to buy it whatever but still make it good

but it was so hot it was so bad that it comes on now like on like normal tv i have to laugh every time it comes on it comes on i would just maybe switch over the channel i'm like oh twilight's on switch it over just because it's just so bad am i right is this the one where like they're vampires but to sort of make it less creepy like they don't eat people like they only like drink animal blood or something yeah so it's the cullen family it just seems like such a like massive gap in the in the idea of what a vampire is because it's like if i need a blood transfusion like i know that sometimes they're like oh a pig's heart can be used as a replacement for a human heart if you know in certain things or they can use bits of like animals to help in sort of like um or do you get transplants and stuff but like if we could just swap animal blood if it was the same trans you know there'd be no need to donate blood because we'd have loads of

it all the time it's like such a huge like oh we don't want to turn anyone off you know because we want to like fall in love with this character and if they're like killing and murdering humans to drink their blood we can't oh let's just pretend it's okay to drink animal blood it's like no no that's not how vampires work that's like the main thing about a fucking vampire is that they drink people's blood

human people's blood and like just because you want me to fall in love with this guy doesn't mean you can just rewrite the concept of what they are it's so stupid because they the way they portrayed edward who was robert patterson is that he's just like he's so like romantic he's so old school and they every time they like put a close-up on him he's just like so innocent faced and it's like this boy next door that you're meant to fall in love with him. And I literally laugh every time just because it's so bad.

It hurts my soul how bad it is. And the acting, like, I feel sorry for them because, obviously, they were young. It was their first major roles. But it's so bad. It's so bad. I wouldn't feel that bad for him. I mean, he would have got paid

pretty well you know he's famous got to go out with fka twigs i mean he's had he's done all right i don't think we need to feel that and now he's batman yeah so you know i think he's having an all right time of it you know he seems to be having quite a laugh i know but i feel like if he looks back at this film this film is gonna haunt him for life and that's the thing like same with the harry potter films they're gonna haunt them for life but at least with the harry potter films they i've never seen them but i've heard they whereas the twilight ones it's just bad acting i can't stress this enough it's like they just there's so some of the scenes as well is portrayed so stupidly. And the last film is when they have the baby. And the baby is so CGI-ed fake.

And it's scary. Like, horror scary. Like, why does the baby look so scary? Yeah, that's not meant to be the bit that's scary in the vampire story. It's just like a normal baby. Yeah. Fair enough. Okay, well, you're stuck with them. Yeah, as I say, I'm going to to be the bit that's scary in the vampire story. It's just like a normal thing. Yeah. Fair enough. Okay, well, you're stuck with them.

Yeah, as I say, I'm going to give you the whole box set so you can really sort of, just as you sort of think one's better than the other, you kind of go, no, actually, they're all shit. So you can just, it's something to discuss with Mariah Carey. Okay, now, Sakisa, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? The animal I've decided to pick. This might have controversy.

Well, it's a cat. Yeah, popular choice, in fact. Is it? You don't need to feel bad. I just think cats are dicks. Yeah. They are. I had a cat in Barbados and the cat just was such a dick.

It would just come around whenever it wanted to. It would ask for food, scream when you didn't give it food. And I'm like, you wasn't here yesterday when I put out food. Where did you go? You could be cheating on me with someone else. That makes no sense.

I've got a friend who, this is the other thing I hate about cats, and mainly also it's the same with dogs, but they seem to have such a following on social media, and I don't understand why. My friend, he had probably 1,500 followers on Instagram, and as soon as he put his cap on instagram it it's now shot up to like 36 000 that's mad that's insane and i'm just like your instagram is no longer about you it is about your cat yeah yeah and it's not like you know i've got a cat i

like cats but like i've sort of seen them you know i don't need to it's not like a rare animal you know like i've got a mate who you know has a parrot and occasionally puts pictures of that on instagram you're like oh right well it's it's interesting you know it can do tricks it's like a thing i've never seen before you know like i've seen cat like i've got a cat and then if i look outside my house there's like another five on my road it's not like oh my oh my God, on the internet, you can find videos of cats. Dude, we've fucking seen them. There's a reason there's no Attenborough programs on cats. Like my next door neighbor has a cat and then you leave the house.

The cat's just in your way. And the cat doesn't want to move. The cat's giving you attitude like, this is my area. It's a public area. Can you move out my way? And the cat literally giving you attitude like it's my this is my area it's a public area can you move out my way and the cat literally won't move and it's it's just like such a dick and it will just stare at you and you're like what are you staring at what do you want from me and it would it will give you evils and that's the thing with cats they're very good at giving you evils yeah i don't absolutely whereas dogs are not i see my cat i've you know i've raised him since he was a kitten we've had him for like eight years and still he'll behave like in a dickish way like and sometimes it's

like overtly dickish like if i try and move him off the bed like where i'm about to change the baby or something he'll like scratch me other times it's just like just making me look bad like so he'll sit on the front window and i'll be watching telly and i'm like oh you want to come in okay and i have to get up maybe i've got a sleeping baby on me and i don't want to wake him up but i get up try and let him in and he just sort of stares at me like i won't come in fuck's sake all right fine stop looking at me then and i'll close the door again and he'll be sitting there and as soon as one of our neighbors comes by he's like meow like really like heartfelt

meow like I can't get in I'm stuck and sometimes they'll come and knock on my door and be like oh I think your cat wants to get in and I was like no he's just being a prick oh now he'll come in I've opened the door three times and he's just blanked me and now someone comes in and he's like I can't get in my house

like fucking hell just stop showing me up like I've got a't get in my house. I'm like, fucking hell. They're attention seekers. Stop showing me up. Like, I've got a lot on at the minute. Okay, I'm tired. They are attention seekers. They're massive attention seekers. And I just don't understand where their attitude comes from.

Maybe they've been watching too much Mariah Carey, too much Diva programs. Maybe, maybe. It's just such a... And I know they're meant to be loners and they're meant to be like do whatever they want to but they they do stupid things like i remember being at my friend's house i was cat sitting and i stayed there overnight and the cat i woke up and the cat was on my head why is that comfortable I don't know how that's comfortable and I I left the cat and then came went outside and came back in like five hours later and there

was another cat in the house and I was like are you having a cat party up in here just having a cat party and I was just like you can't be having the cat party this is not your house it's weird isn't it well so an animal that like I know you could say that humans hate each other and the things we do to each other but we can also get along all right as well but an animal that hates every other every other individual in its species is not really to be trusted like they see one other cat and they're like fuck off you know it's like it's quite a thing and they're just like bringing rats and rodents and it's just like no i don't want to see that thanks fair enough okay well then your island is overrun with cats then and you know them along with all the other things you've picked makes for a thoroughly unpleasant environment i think so well done you've fulfilled the brief uh very well so thank you for doing that today um now obviously uh you

know as a stand-up you know comedians have a bit of a tough time over the last year with gigs being cancelled and everything being shut uh but things are looking up a little bit where's the best place for us to sort of keep up to date with what you're up to at the minute uh you can come on my website which is www.sakisacomedy.com or you can find me on instagram which is twix comedy twix like the chocolate not because i'm black but that's another reason why i'm called twix but uh yeah you can find me on instagram and then hopefully when live shows come back up and running i will have a list of when I'm performing. And as you were recently on the Jonathan Ross comedy show as well I can't remember the proper name but yes but you know if you type in that you'll find it. Yeah Jonathan Ross comedy club you'll find

you it's on Instagram it's on YouTube yeah so you'll find it on YouTube the lovely clip it was fun. Nice one great no it's really good it's really good so thank you for joining us today on Desert Island Dicks it's been a pleasure thank you so much for having me it's been fun