Desert Island Dicks - SIMON BRODKIN

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

Dan is joined by Simon Brodkin, comedian, prankster and all round funny man, to discuss which collection of frightful people and things he'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island, and he picks a wonderful assortment of dicks for your listening pleasure, so roll up your sleeves and get stuck in. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features Simon Brodkin. You've seen him as Lee Nelson, as various other characters,

and as someone who's done pranks on Theresa May, Sepp Blatter, and many others. He's done loads of really Teresa May, Set Blatter and many others. He's done loads of really funny stuff. I really recommend looking him up. He's doing tours and stuff at the minute and as you'll hear he's a very funny guy so I hope you enjoy this episode. Now this is being released today. It's Monday and that means there's just a couple more days to go until Desert Island Dicks live on the 1st and 2nd of December. I mean, that's Wednesday and Thursday this week. I mean, it's very close indeed. We've got Fern Brady on Wednesday, and then we've got Stephen K. Amos on Thursday. If you haven't bought your ticket yet, I really recommend doing so now.

They're both going to be really fun nights. I can't wait, and not long to go at all. So get your ticket now before it's too late. The night's at 21 Soho in London. It's really easy to get to. You can get tickets from the link in this podcast. Or you can find the link on our socials on Twitter and Instagram at Dickspod. Or you can just go on the 21 Soho website. And you'll find all the information there. So I hope to see you there.

Maybe this will put you in the mood. This is Desert Island Dicks with Simon Brodkin. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian known for his pranks on Donald Trump, Theresa May and Sepp Blatter, among many others. It's Simon Brodkin. How are you doing?

I'm good, mate. I mean, it's rare that you can get someone to do your podcast just on the basis of the title. But that alone, you're like, yeah, count me in. Come on. I don't care who's doing it. I don't care which other comedians have done it. Desert Island Dicks. Yeah, that sounds like a laugh.

It was very much come up with the name first, concept second. Yeah, so that's like some things on telly. You're like, nah nah that was clearly the title came years before they thought of the format but um yeah nice title nice format and nice to be crashing on a plane with you as the um i don't know god or something i don't know what your role is but i don't know yeah just odd strange onlooker I suppose I've put my zoom settings not that anyone will see this to my desert island setting uh just to give us a little flavor of what it may be like yeah yeah so it's nice actually I can actually see you on a desert

island gives a bit of reality to the whole thing so it is nice unfortunately zoom didn't do a setting where there's a crashed plane with uh 212 other passengers they just don't seem to do that but yeah there is palm tree waves blue sky and waiting my my choice of dicks yeah and how did you find the process of choosing your your list of dicks today um obviously there's a lot of dicks in the world and and um i mean there are a colossal choice of dicks uh from small medium large extra large dicks uh especially when surfing through the internet um yeah it's hard starting from anyone in the world was i guess a harder choice than um take your choice of dicks but i'm

particularly enjoying this question because i get to say the word dicks i would say maybe 12 times now uh but yeah it's tricky and then obviously i listened to uh some of the other contributors and um there was some similar choice dicks and so you want to be picking unique dicks and not everyone else's dicks fair enough given your your pranks that you do i mean do you find it i mean you obviously find it quite satisfying like taking people you feel that deserve it taking them down a couple of notches yes but these are the people who survive so uh had you given me the choice of people that would die in the crash probably an easier choice no yeah there's there's um um yeah obviously i am known for my uh being able to select some some worthy targets

and the world was my oyster here but it was fun man it was fun to think who and why and what level of dickness would they be bringing to the table um and made sure i had a scan through to make sure no one on the podcast chose me as their desert island dick then i would have boycotted the whole thing cool okay well let's let's see who you're gonna pick then who's gonna be your first choice first choice i mean that there's there's a lot out there but i'm going straight in hard with Amir Mohammed Saeed Abdel Raham Al Malwa, the current leader of ISIS. Okay. As far as dicks go, I think he's pretty much at the top of the dick tree.

Obviously, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi would, you know, would have picked him, but he was killed in a drone strike. So I've picked his his his successor. I think that we would struggle, I think, with most people on your desert island. And that's why the choices can be a little bit tricky, because you're wanting people who you will have something to go with. You will have something to, you know, to talk about, to discuss, to maybe find some commonalities on because you're going to be there. How long are we stuck there, by the way?

Just eternity or what's the... Well, yeah, it's just indeterminate. I mean, I suppose you can make a break for it, but, yeah, I mean, it's sort of very much up to you you know that's what i thought i didn't want to pick um a particularly good swimmer i had michael phelps down as a definite no-no because he would he'd make a break for it he wouldn't be interested in helping me and i'll be there alone so with amir i'm gonna call him amir i think that we will um have to just cut things down to first names eventually um i mean especially given how many he's got i mean there's like seven

names or something yeah he's he's he's gone for it a couple of hyphens thrown in there and um so i'll have to cut it down just amir or mizza or matey and i i just think there's going to be too many things that will just lit well at first i'm going to be in fear of my life i mean once he sees once he catches me taking away and sees the lack of foreskin i think that's going to be an issue i mean i might try and persuade him that i'm of Muslim faith, but I don't think there'll be much to it. And also, of course, I won't be the right sort for him. And I don't think I will be enough of a follower of the strict sect that he would follow, even if I were to persuade him that I was myself a Muslim. So once he finds out, I mean, we're talking about we're talking about sort of chasing each other around the island, aren't we?

Yeah. Benny Hill style, as Amir makes it his last mission on this earth. He might well have blown up the plane, to be honest with you. Yeah, I was thinking this, or maybe it was like a botched strike to kind of take him out. Intelligence knew he was on the plane and they figured, what's a couple of hundred civilian casualties if we take down the head of ISIS? So then you're going to be really pissed off with him, you know, stuck on his island with him. Well, we're going to have a lot of issues, I think. So then I'm just not sure I'll be able to sleep well at night knowing that there was the ISIS kingpin on the island

and he had found out about my Jewish faith and my mocking of ISIS throughout many of my stand-up routines and I I don't know we'd maybe try and sort of bridge the divide on a few things but I'm just not also language wise you know that's gonna let's say we do make friends and let's say you know we we find some some link we have we end up chasing each other around and find out that hide and seek is actually a really fun thing to play but you know we there's language would be a absolute zero overlap and even if he was to maybe find out some sort of refuge, some bit of food. There'll be no way of him communicating with me. So that will be a frustrating time as well. Who knows what he'd try?

He'd probably try and get like a pinhole camera set up and cut off my head with a particularly sharp bamboo stick. So, I mean, ISIS are, I think by definition, all a bunch of dicks. Also Taliban, of course. There was a lot of choice here. They are, as well, they're a miserable bunch of fuckers. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever been to a Taliban birthday party,

but it's, you know, no alcohol, no dancing, no women. That was a tough gig for me. And, yeah. Yeah, he'd be number one the only way to get on with him would be to just sort of fall in line and convert to his way of thinking what do they call it red pill you know and just become you know like a militant uh islamic fundamentalist i think that's pretty much the only hope you've got and then as you say you struggle with even that if there's the language barrier as well so you couldn't even try and appease him by sort of adopting sharia law or

anything like that there'd be a lot of head nodding a lot of yes whatever you say mate yes i'm all in and i guess there'd be no way of sort of trying to prove whether I was indeed the convert that I was saying I was or whether I was still acting as me. There's no I don't know how you identify as ISIS without any enemies around you. Yeah, because you can't say, oh, I'll blow up something for you. Oh, no, I can't. I've got nothing. You know, it's like I'll behead a coconut or, you know, you can't. You have to be very limited with enemies on the island aren't you so maybe there would be a way of persuading him i mean you know isis isis want to be considered an actual country don't they imagine getting drawn against them of the world cup qualifiers that was that's a tricky tie right hostile fans explosive midfielders um but yeah they are hard

as fuck aren't they i guess i mean the taliban they defeated what is the greatest military um unit to ever be created in history the american army and they they beat them wearing flip-flops that is impressive they are maybe this guy is actually someone who if i did persuade i was well up for the isis business that he could be part of it yeah he's certainly gonna have stamina isn't it yeah well an interesting first choice i reckon that's uh set the bar pretty high and i'm very very intrigued to see what the interplay will be between him and your other your other choices so we're all on it together the three of us you're all on it together yeah wow okay i kind of never thought of that well maybe i would that there's a

couple of people who are sort of on my reserve list uh but maybe Gary Neville okay I'd bring in I don't think he'd last that long um yeah I don't know I'm not gonna do Gary Neville that's that's too straightforward and then Conor McGregor was another one who just doesn't seem like someone who would really be that much of a of a guy to get on with. He's all aggression, very few hugs. And also you've got to think that everyone, let's be honest, we're on this desert island, anyone who is any of the three of us, we're going to end up in some sort of sexual tryst. If we survive, there's just three of of us there's no one else there and so something's

gonna happen whether it be consent or a sort of tying up in the middle of the night and i feared that conor mcgregor may well be not part of this kind of me too vibe and i feel like I might find myself face down, strapped to the beach with him giving it large behind me. So let's leave Conor McGregor. I wonder if someone like you, Jeff Bezos, you, Bill Gates, you, Elon Musk. Now, these people, right, bear in mind, we've all got to adapt pretty damn fast. And you've got these guys on there who are just used to having everything whenever they like,

however they like. I think they would be, I think they would find it more frustrating than anyone being at, I mean, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, you know, let's go to the moon. Two seconds later, fuck it. And now this guy

can't even get a coffee made for him I think especially someone like yeah as you say Bezos and Musk rather than like Bill Gates you know he's wealthy but he kind of mostly stuck to one lane for most of his life and then kind of went oh and a bit of charity as well whereas like with those guys it's like I'm not gonna fuck around with charity i'm not gonna pretend that i'm gonna like i know i could solve these problems but i'm gonna shoot to the moon in a fucking dick-shaped rocket fuck you you know i'm literally going to burn all my profits yeah and they don't even go to them when i thought wow they're going up there they're like land on they like just go up and have a cheeky look of earth which we've all seen on on google maps and they float back down and and tell everyone how incredible it is and how it's

changed their view of the world you're right bill gates has um bill gates is a funny one isn't he because he has um maybe invented the most important machine of humankind. He's given like $50 billion to charity. And yet he is absolutely hated. Maybe I should take him just to give him a hug and tell him there's some people out there who appreciate what he's doing. So yeah, I think they would find it pretty damn frustrating i wonder if if we're

gonna have us all together on the island whether we should bring in someone who could maybe talk down amir um i'm thinking the pope okay that would be an interesting maybe that maybe the heat would be taken off me while he is going for the Pope. The Pope would also wind me up quite a lot because obviously, you know, the guy's religious. The guy, he's not going to change. Unlike the ISIS guy, unlike Amir who wants me dead, the Pope wants me on his team and he wouldn't let it go, would he? He's not going to, after, you know, year two, say, listen, forget the whole religion. I was wrong. He's going to be doing prayer sessions. He's not going to, after year two, say, listen, forget the whole religion. I was wrong. He's going to be doing prayer sessions.

He's not going to be handy. And I need someone who we can get going together. We need to be bonded. We need to be best mates. And the Pope's not got many years left. And I fear after two or three years, maybe there wouldn't be a Pope. And it would just be me and one other dick, pope and it would just be me and um what one other dick wouldn't it just be me and amir again right so let's think about this all right we've

got the pope we've got amir and we've got should we should we pin it down to either jeff bezos or musk should we settle on one um let's go bezos okay bezos pope bezos and the head of isis just because if we were ever to get rescued you know the radio you would not you would not believe who we have found here on the island it's the head of isis the pope and jeff bezos why are we all on the flight together i suddenly realized this is an odd one i don't know maybe that's for a companion podcast that we'll make you know for the patreon subscribers that we haven't yet set up i think you've you've got off to a very strong start because already i mean it's just impossible to know what's gonna happen with this group of people so i think simon it's a very good choice

for your uh your people dicks okay well look mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad i i wondered if just having champagne there would just be so rubbing it in so against everything that champagne is meant to stand for stuck on an island for the rest of your life with three of the biggest dicks are you really gonna want to say cheers to that guys there's a couple of drinks that just send me into the alcoholic drinks and they all have just awful memories of one of them is a mojito which i overdid at my wedding and ended up collapsing as you do and needing to be taken to the hotel and loaded up in a wheelchair to get into the taxi. I then left my newly,

my new wife's and my passports in the venue being so destroyed. And then we missed our honeymoon flights the next day. So I feel that if i were to ever taste a mojito again it just has so many tragic memories of all well they're part of now maybe good memories i remember when i missed my my ruined my own wedding and ruined my own honeymoon maybe that would never even sweet memories but either way a mojito is um is just out because i really did fuck my own wedding up and more so for my wife because she was sober i don't remember a thing i just remember actually waking up in the hotel the next morning because we were staring at a hotel in um in the airport to get the flights i i have no i have no memory i also think my friends did spike my

drink at my wedding but that is an ongoing uh legal operation no i what nice guys yeah um a bunch of ex-doctors no a bunch of doctors of course most of them so um i don't know what they carried with them down to london that day and put in my drink but either way i don't know what they carried with them down to London that day and put in my drink. But either way, I don't remember the aftermath. I remember waking my first memory sort of, you know, post like 11 o'clock of the wedding night was waking up in the bedroom of the hotel adjoining the airport Gatwick, I think. And I turn around, I was fully clothed. I remember a thing and I turn around and my wife wasn't there and I just gone, oh my god my wife has left me

because I just thought I remember I got horrifically drunk she was actually having breakfast at the time but for about 15 minutes I was like, I have managed to that's the shortest marriage perhaps in history and who would have thought that it happened to me um i've never been so pleased to see her in my life when she came back uh into

the bed show oh my god i love you i'm so sorry but she of course did sort of liked me more than loved me at that stage having completely ruined her last 24 hours so I think anything mojito wise it just brings back those awful awful memories having partied hard in a venue in Soho and ended up collapsing and ruining my my own wedding celebrations wow that is extraordinary yeah oh and I can imagine I mean it's a nice drink but I bet it tastes kind of bitter to you now i mean that's what an extraordinary story it was nice once upon a time it was nice drink too much of anything and it soon becomes just awful and clearly i'm thinking about all these stories that

are coming um through my head thick and fast clearly i can't take my alcohol which i shouldn't be surprised at for a very small Jew our livers are more suited to overeating than over drinking because I went I went to Ibiza so excited having been working so hard went out there and then we arrived in the early afternoon we're going out for a mate's party birthday which was the big one was happening that night and I ordered loads of chocolate cocktails no idea what I was i think it was on nikki beach one of these fancy places got totally wasted and by the time we were meant to go out in the evening to the club at like midnight i was just hung over i think i'm learning a lesson here

that i shouldn't drink alcohol it's maybe no alcohol please i like the idea of the champagne because it would have come from a plane. So it would always be in a tiny little bottle, which would just add a little bit more desperation to the proceedings. But I think it's going to take a lot to top that Mojito story. I mean, I think that's going to be the one that's, I mean, that's just so loaded with emotion and memories, isn't it? And then also, I mean, on a a practical level rum and sugar and heat bad hangovers i think exactly and all you want to have any niceness isn't it going to there's something weird about anything celebrating the champagne i know we're not going for that in the end i would

be worried that amir muhammad saleed abd al-ram al-wal al-malwa um that the current leader of ISIS would use it as a weapon against me with the corks shake shake shake for maybe 6 or 7 hours this guy's fucking determined isn't he bang skull caved in and that's it all over for me yeah definitely

I like the idea of the ISIS leader having one of those artillery belts with all the bullets they have around their chest ISIS leader of having one of those, you know, sort of artillery belts, you know, like with all the bullets that they have around their chest, but with just loads of miniature bottles of champagne instead, because it's the only thing he can weaponize. I have four mice and two chandelons.

Stand back. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com and what would the worst food be i'm quite a fussy bugger with food there's a lot on offer i think when you go on tour like me a lot you either get more fussy or less fussy and um

you know because you're either at fucking service stations whatever i'll eat anything as long as but i've gone the other way i now take like 40 tupperwares with me on like a two-night journey and then you just become more and more entrenched in your eating ways so um the one i'm probably going well oh special mention i should mention to any tuna on pizza um okay i thought i was going to die about a year and a half ago because i had it's a rare sort of food poisoning called scrumboid food poisoning which what happens the tuna can be any fish goes off lovely restaurant obviously um and it releases this chemical this histamine which when you ingest has the same effect as an anaphylactic reaction on your body right so we went out for this meal

i had a tuna pizza wouldn't eat tuna now of course i'm a complete expert in the field of overfishing having seen one netflix documentary um but and i got home and my my heart started beating quicker and quicker and quicker and i'm thinking oh my god i am having a heart attack i think and the ambulance came it was mad man it was really thinking and i'm the one that deals with the medical stuff in my house and my wife was like what are we doing i'm gonna call that i was calling the ambulance even though i was i thought i was dying they came around they injected me with um um what was it was it anti-histamine was it adrenaline um anyway and and um it was it was it was scary so that has put me off that for life uh although i suspect that the tuna on this desert island would be um would be fresher

so we're not going to do any storage so that well that had a particular stomach turning memory for me that we just have um that pizza from that restaurant with the tuna and ready for me for me to feel like i thought like i was gonna die again um so um and then i thought no it's got to be something a little more straightforward than that something that i i just don't get I just don't get what this is and why is the cheese fondue. Hmm. OK. Now, it has gone out of fashion. So I can't see there being much chance of falling down from the sky. But, you know, it's it's plausible there might be the odd animal. We might be able to start a fire and cheese fondue.

If you don't know and if you don't know, you're lucky, you get a pan, you have a flame underneath and you drop shit loads of cheese in and it bubbles up and then you get like a little metal prong thing and you dip in like a stale bit of bread and then it bubbles up around it. It was, I went away and I we'd been traveling for absolutely hours.

We'd actually be we we were dicks. We got a flight to completely the wrong airport, not knowing that there were other airports, little ones that other airlines flew to so we got this flight and instead of it being really close to the place we were going we had to fly like through we had to then drive through like four different countries in Europe got there totally exhausted I went to sleep woke up at about seven or we were with my mates and they had got the correct flight and they were making dinner i woke up in the morning and not the morning the evening when they were making dinner and i i i sniffed i retched

and i ran down the stairs i'm saying like oh my god what someone has taken a shit in the house turned out they were making cheese fondue which is possibly the most revolting it is just this it is wrong it's wrong and i never want to see it again i never want to smell it again and i might just run into the water and drown myself if the pope starts cooking up a cheese fondue fuck you and fuck everything to do with cheese fondue. Do you have a dislike of cheese in general anyway? I'm a bit of a cheese pussy. You know, we're talking cottage cheese. We're talking cream cheese.

We're talking the occasional bit of cheddar. But the smell that emanates from boiling, bubbling cheese, it's it's wrong i think emmental is what they use in these things is it i don't think they all have to be that strong but i think there is definitely a certain type that's as pungent as possible now obviously because it's so heated it's like wafts around and and it's continuously heated isn't it because it has to stay kind of away it's it's i mean maybe the good thing is the waft would get to you know some mainland and they'd come and rescue us maybe it would even again i've just realized amir might use it as kind of um to pour all over me the bubbling cheese as another weapon as long alongside his armory of small bottles of champagne.

But, yeah, it's fucked up. It's wrong, and I don't like it, and I don't want it. If you said, oh, I'm just going to have cheese for dinner, someone would say, well, you should have a bit more than that. You can't just eat melted cheese. You know, you're not four. Come on. There's no meal there.

There's just stench. It's bubbling stench. And, again, they've middle-classed it up. We'll put it in a little thing we'll bubble up you have the experience no we need some carbs here we need some basic let's get in some potato let's get in some pat let but this is just it's it's it's wrong okay well i think it's a strong choice and very well argued as well okay uh now simon fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why oh so i have not been consuming a lot of films in recent times i um

the superhero ones kind of they do piss me off a little bit i don't know where that came from when suddenly almost every movie that comes out that's talked about is a superhero movie. I think one of the last ones I went to or saw was, you know, the... Was it Batman with... What's his name? With the mask over his face, who was the... Oh, Bane. Bane. I think that was like three and a half hours,

and I just couldn't hear a word of what any of the main characters were saying, which pissed me off. And I don't know whether I've and i i i i'm i don't know whether i've become a grumpy bastard i don't know whether i'm just i but the soup here avengers assemble i mean fuck off right they're just getting sillier and sillier and sillier and they're just cross-platforming and we'll have him on this and you can put that soup here on and she can go on here and it doesn't make any sense anymore and not being out here was particularly galling but i wonder whether we should put something if we are on this

island of relentless turmoil whether we should put on something foreign language but with no subtitles because you are so close to being entertained but just so far I know the squid games I know it's not strictly a movie but it's imagine just having that in the Korean audio only to not

be able to understand what is going on and you forget when you're watching you're reading the subtitles and you just get a get a bit of pizza out the oven while your ipad's still on the table and you suddenly look oh they're talking korean i didn't understand i'm reading all this aren't i so to take any understanding of a decent bit of entertainment away i think would break us you have the head of isis just watching it just laughing away because he thinks these are great ideas and it's like a comedy because you know watching all these people kill each other he's like this is superb shit you're right um that's going to give amir quite a lot of ideas

of various different ways to murder each other so all in all it's a terrible terrible idea maybe something um just old school just go cats You must have had Cats being chosen. We've had lots of musicals on, but I don't think Cats has been on. Yeah, there's something about musicals that just grates. I'm such a cynic. And to watch these people grinning and singing about love is just too much for me, man. Maybe what could really break us was like a cameo from Nigel Farage or something nigel farage singing the full score of cats like one man show by nigel farage i don't know how much that cameo would cost but we're

going to order that and if you want our time on this island to be as harrowing as possible that's what we would watch that's a good choice and then okay look i think i like the idea of the squid games with no translation anything like that way is just it's not even something you've seen before so you go oh i remember this this is what happens now like you're coming in cold and you've got no idea it's a tough one with these it's a tough one um maybe just the safety video just showing over and over again uh might break all of us as well an official safety video from the plane but it's done by someone like iron man and it's in a foreign language with no subtitles you got me baby can nigel farage and make a cameo appearance at any stage yeah he can be the person that like you know you know because they'll have like the cabin crew

kind of showing you how to put on a life jacket, then it'll show someone in their seat putting the life jacket on or pulling down the mask. So that will be... They'll cut to Nigel Farage for that bit. He's a clever bastard, isn't he? Unfortunately. He just knows exactly when his political career is over

and now he can just sell himself by doing, saying any old shit for 100 quid on cameo and what would your song choice be simon my song choice one that i'm particularly enjoying at the moment and would absolutely break me probably to hear again deserted with nowhere to go and no one to perform comedy to is my walk on track which i'm currently using on my stand-up tour it's franz ferdinand it's take me out you know the one so if you're lonely you know i'm waiting here for you jesus i'm gonna get a record contract out of this mate and i'm backstage and i'm snorting lines of coke and i'm you know getting tugged off by one last person and then bang on i come to millions of people no it's it's similar but scaled down version of that um it's a great vibe it's a great song and It's a great song. And I'm mid-tour. And I think listening to that on a desert island would be a sorrowful affair, right?

Imagine, you know. Good evening, Amir. What's up, Jeff? So that would bring back a lot of tragic memories. But then this has been breaking me and would break me in any circumstances i am a regular gym goer i've recently changed gym to a pure gym which is near me and the music the soundtrack on at pure gym is it's it's it is the least appropriate gym music. I don't know what person is in charge of their musical selection,

but they need sacking, and they need... First of all, it is so quiet you can barely hear it. Secondly, we're talking love ballads. And when you're there on the bench press go here we go and then you hear i love you baby i mean it every day baby like no interrupted every maybe three songs by a list of where the far exits are and explaining to everyone that Pure Jim is an inclusive gym and welcomes all people regardless of gender, regardless of sexuality, and it's a safe place to be. That doesn't get me pumped. I love that policy, but we don't need to be reminded of that in between each third song

so I think just hearing that on the island would bring tears to my eyes as it does now I've never been less up for going to the gym than since I joined and it's played on a loop they've got like 12 tracks

they've been tight they've only bought about 12 bits of music and they're padding it out with their own announcements about gender equality and emergency services when you go to the gym it's so important like the music they have on and i've got a policy of basically if i forget my headphones i'm not exercising that day because i can't listen to the music that the gym give me. I mean, I go to a Pure Gym, but their policy is kind of the opposite, where it's like commercial R&B that I really don't like, but really loud.

So you really need, if you haven't got noise-cancelling headphones, like you're in trouble. We still have the health and safety messages, though, which I appreciate. Is this at your Pure Gym? They've got a different selection there. Yeah, so I thought it would be sort of brand wide but apparently not although I do you know what I don't think I've heard the fire exit one so maybe our policy for the fire exit ours are just like just fuck it

they don't give a shit about you mate they want you all to be ballads and they're happy for you to burn yeah I mean they want they want to be inclusive but then let us burn and i like being at one with my grunts you know i'm a grunter i think we should i think loud electronic music is what every gym should be full of and i think people can use their common sense if there's a fire and i i think that anyone who has to overstate just how open to various genders and sexualities are, there's clearly something, there's an issue going on there. No gym we would think would not let people join on those basis alone. So there's something going on. They've made some error recently, haven't they? And they're trying to desperately make up for it. Yeah, you're right right something maybe has changed it would also have the effect of really winding up the head of isis and the head of the catholic church who both have policies fairly opposite and also you know when there is a fire that's kind of more hell-like image i don't know whether they would be able to think of that without thinking of of evil people burning i i don't know it they would be able to think of that without thinking of of evil people

burning I don't know it would just all be wrong for this current situation I'm not sure what we're going to gym with what we'd be able to set up there maybe that's where Jeff could come into his own he seems quite a small bloke maybe we could bench press him

yeah bench pressing Jeff Bezos I mean he was so angry it would almost be worth it i think it could be quite it could be quite fun i mean it'd be struggling with him and me which would be a nice cacophony so are we saying then so we're going to have like the the pure gym but your particular pure gym playlist because it seems particularly inappropriate maybe every sort of sixth song you get take me out by franz ferdinand in there because i imagine nice combo it must generate like a pavlovian response in you by now like it must if you hear it when you're not about to go on stage does it

sort of get your heartbeat going and stuff i would just have to pick up whatever vegetable is nearby on the island and um you know set up a little set of curtains i don't know what on maybe a stick of bamboo and some of amir's you know unused clothes and we'd pull it across and there i'd be and i'd cry i'd cry no more performing stand-up it would be tricky for me it really would um and i think that two of the three maybe humorless fuckers as well who i would be able to perform to on the island so yeah it wouldn't be a pleasant i know you want this all to be about having an awful awful time i think we've got that with the pure jim franz ferdinand walk on music combo okay all right simon well finally the island is overrun by the biggest

dick of all the animals which animal is it and why well you've got your obvious ones haven't you you've got your your ones your elephants your scorpions your lions that you would just be as if it's not bad enough having your head of isis chasing you around day and night you've got a fucking lion who is prowling the island um so that that would be stupid but i want to go something a little simpler something that i know most people don't share with me and that is my biggest dick animal is a dog okay i'm um i'm just not i'm not a fan of dogs and everyone else's love for them of course makes my dislike of them that much um more grating because that i mean i'm out and they're you know jumping up on top of my kid, you know, the scared of them, they're licking their face, humping their leg, you know, sniffing their bum.

The owner is always like, don't worry, he's just being friendly. It's like dog owners and kid owners cannot understand why anyone else doesn't just want to, you know, have their face licked by their pet or child. It's, they can do no wrong. And they shit everywhere. The last thing, I'm out jogging with the Pope for an early morning religion and run session. You know, get away from Jeff and Amir,

and we're going to step in dog shit, aren't we? And we don't have shoes. Presumably they'll start to wear away and there's going to be shit everywhere. And they smell. And the owners think they've got this magical bond with these animals just because it comes back to them

after they've shouted their name like 30 times. Have you seen that in the park? Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! have you seen that in the park like sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy oh he's a clever boy dude it's a coincidence yeah i i went away a few months ago and my like my youngest was about three months old and we're staying on this campsite that was also you know it's like a glamping kind of site there's also like a i don't know they've got like a bit of like a horse stables there and it's like this this some kind of spaniel or something and it was so excitable i'm just trying to get from our sort of cabin thing we're staying into our car and this dog is jumping up

at me so much i couldn't genuinely couldn't tell if it was excited or like being territorial and i've got a three month old baby in my arms i'm like the fuck anyway and the best scenario in that instance is he's excited and wants to lick us which i don't want a dog licking a three month old baby like just why is this dog so fucking springy it's stop it so springy man yeah springy is a nice one dogs, like, they do kind of kill kids. And the owners will have none of that. Like, oh, no, no, no. My doggy would never kill my baby. Dude, your dog just would bite anything.

It doesn't know or care about your kid. They eat poo. They shit everywhere. I'm also thinking global warming-wise, they're consuming a lot of meat here i don't know whether this would be a popular choice but if everyone were to kill their dog i wonder if we would cut down on some emissions so yeah that's that's my that's my little thing so um kill your dog, save the environment. I can see that as part of being one of the final parts of the government's eco-strategy. I just wonder if dogs lived without humans,

like at least a cat buries its shit or tries to bury its shit. Like what's a dog's game plan? If they were only dogs, at what point do they just go, fuck, hang on, we need to think of a system here because there is just shit everywhere what are they thinking well they're eating it a lot so they probably are eating other people's shit and there are certain places you go to like some island in greece and they're just hundreds of just dogs on the rampage because also people get a dog they think it's going to be great a few weeks later they're

joining me in the i fucking ate dogs thing and they just they just let them go don't they there's a lot of wild i don't know what would happen if you're suggesting all humans were to die dogs take over the world dog gets world gets covered in dog shit what happens next i guess we've kind of done that haven't we at least we rarely bite kids to death we rarely fall we're we're better than dogs they're not intelligent come on man if they were that intelligent they wouldn't be taking a shit in a playground that's the lowest level that's the lowest bar and they can't even get above that so um i mean props to the ones that you know the guide dogs to be fair labradors can stay but the rest of them out mate no skills go and when they

say they're helping the blind i don't know how much i mean yeah they're stopping at the traffic lights but beyond that i don't know, Simon, I think you've put together a particularly fine selection for this island. I feel sick of the thought of the people and things that I'm going to be left with. Don't leave me, Dan, please. Well, fortunately for all of us, this is but fantasy

and you have lots going on at the minute. You've got a tour that has, I think, the most dates of any tour I've ever seen. I mean, it's huge. Thank you, man thank you man yeah well it's been going great it's the first tour that i've done as myself at a character uh and it's been going down an absolute treat it's called troublemaker and it's all about you know me and my life instead of talking about whatever the characters would talk about whether that that's Lee Nelson or Jason Bent. And it's been a joy to do. And yeah, I've just added like 45 extra dates.

So I'm not going to fly anywhere, obviously, just in case I am left with this bunch of dicks. So yeah, there's a lot of car journeys up and down the UK. People got to buy tickets. They're going fast. Normally, when it's like extra dates added due to demand it's like one or two you've added 45 it's incredibly there's a lot of demand yeah um no and we're adding even more on top of that which is it's really exciting man the show's going down a treat and i'm loving doing it and the punters are loving doing it

so maybe this will be a tour that just keeps on going this is my first tour out of character and my last as seven years later i'm still having that 15th doncaster date brilliant well uh simon thank you so much for joining us today to uh choose your desert island dicks it's been a pleasure. Thank you, mate. Take it easy. So there you have it. That was Desert Island Dicks there with Simon Brodkin. And Desert Island Dicks is a Sync Clap production

created by James Deacon, produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. Our editor is Chris Attaway. We get social media support from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton, not his real name.

And a special mention, as always, to Grandmaster Flash for our statistics and John Deacon, our podcast historian. Just one final opportunity, then, to let you know

that you can still get tickets for our live shows on Wednesday and Thursday with Fern Brady and Stephen K. Amos. I would love to meet you in person and see you there. So go and buy tickets. Bring some friends along. See us do some dicks in person. I think we might even do a little off-the-cuff compact dicks on the night where you can submit your own choices as well and have our guests critique them as well. So there's lots of reasons to go there. I might even buy you a drink. Who knows? That's it for me. We'll speak again soon. Hopefully I'll meet you in person. And thanks for listening. Bye.