Desert Island Dicks - SOOZ KEMPNER

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Comedian Sooz Kempner joins Dan to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck with on an island, and does a wonderful job filling it with total dicks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. In this episode, I'm joined by comedian Suze Kempner. And we had a lovely time talking about the worst people and things she could be stuck with on an island. So hopefully you'll enjoy it as much as I did. Don't forget you can have your say on who and what you think is a dick by submitting your choice at dickspod.com slash contact,

and we could be sharing them with the world on our weekly companion podcast, Compact Dicks. I'm a little hungover at the moment and I'm kind of struggling to remember what to say in this bit. But what would be lovely is if you subscribe to this podcast and left us a review because it's really helpful and we very much appreciate it. So why not give us an early Christmas present

and do that? In the meantime, we'll keep pumping out episodes of Desert Island Dicks for you to enjoy. So let's hear one now with Suze Kempner. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actor, musician and comedian Suze Kempner. How are you doing?

Oh, I'm great. Thanks. Thanks for having me i said it's a shame i've ended up in this predicament but you know why make a why make a bad situation good when we can make it even worse well exactly i was fending it with the worst possible things and people yeah and maybe you know from your discomfort will come the pleasure of of many people listening i'm sure so and i get to finish it and then go oh no it's all right I'm just in my house with none of those people yeah it was all a dream yeah that lovely narrative device yeah now uh at the minute when we're talking over zoom and I can see you've got a lovely festive jumper on oh yeah I've got my sonic Christmas jumper so you're looking kind of upbeat and happy I mean are you normally an upbeat happy person did you find it difficult compiling your list of dicks today uh it was surprisingly easy

they were like particularly getting the people together um that was real simple uh to cut it down from a great number of people but some of them have fallen to the same category. So I thought, no, I'll just get the worst one from each category. So that, but it made me happy because I'm generally, uh, I am a generally upbeat person in most areas.

Good. Okay, cool. Well, let's dive straight in then. Who's going to be your first dick joining you on the island? Well, my first one is Rishi Sunak,

uh, because I'm OK. So obviously we've got Kingpin Boris Johnson, which I think would be a lot of people's first go to choice. But Rishi Sunak's on like the down low because a lot of people who aren't necessarily supporters of the current cabinet they do say things like i think rishi though out of all of them he's the one i trust and that makes me trust him less because i know that he's got 10 houses in london alone and he like runs grouse shoots so this guy i've got nothing in common with him and he thinks that everyone really likes him. And that's going to be an awful combination when we're stuck on the desert island.

Also, he won't be able to do anything. There was a bit when he first sort of came along and everyone started going, oh, he's quite dishy. He looks quite smart. And then do you remember everyone suddenly realised that because he was just speaking in isolation at a dispatch box, no one realised that he was really small and he was kind of out of proportion.

Then we saw him walking along the rest of the cabinet and everyone went, oh, he's tiny. I know, it looks like your little brother's first day at school. I think we need to get over this thing where we, what would be like lust after politicians. I know why it happens but i think they're not there for us to find deeply attractive apart from barack obama obviously but you know he had two options like be movie star be president he picked the other one pick the he picked the wrong one um

but we like we've got to stop just lusting after politicians because they're not there to do that job. And I think it makes us forgive too much. Like, I know a guy who finds Dominic Raab extremely attractive. Oh, no. And I think there's something terrible about that in every way. Particularly, it's like, he isn't. Yeah. I just...

If he was just an actor, he wouldn't. He just looks like a school bully, though, I think. I think it's the thing of, like, you don't expect people in that position to be attractive in any way at all so it's like with your teachers like you know someone might go oh that one's quite attractive and like but in the real world probably not it's just because you're so bored you know paying attention at school or watching the news that you kind of go maybe yeah yeah maybe, yeah. Yeah, all the guys in my, in year nine, we had a science teacher join called Miss Howell,

and she was, I mean, she was probably like 24, but they all were like, whoa, Miss Howell, Miss Howell. And honestly, like, it had that exact thing. It was just, no, she's the one young, normal-looking woman in this entire place. That's all it is. Yeah, definitely. So, yeah, Rishi Sunet.

So I think, yeah, I think he manages to sort of get away with a lot. He does sort of fly under the radar a little bit, doesn't he? So it's like, and every now and again when there's like a cabinet you distrust, but there's one member who seems all right, it's like he's still kind of going along with everything. Yeah, he's there for a reason. He managed to get in there for a reason. Also, he's very keen on withholding a lot of stuff that would help.

Certainly people like me, I don't want to comment on your financial situation, but he's desperate to withhold it. And then at the last minute, he comes out and goes, good news, guys, I'm going to cover the next couple of months. And everyone goes, okalookalay. Thank you, Rishi so I think he'd be an awful person to be on Desert Island with

he's not used to slumming it for a start he's not used to fending for himself so he'd be rubbish at that and he'd do something like he'd bring back a piece of firewood he found and then

spend the next three days going you're welcome you're welcome and i i would hate that yeah definitely i think yeah as well like he doesn't sort of seem i mean he just doesn't seem like he'd have any good chat either you know like if you kind of got away from all the politics you're like let's just get on with things we're all here on the island we're all leveled now he just seems like somebody who's like, you know, would potentially be quite nice but pretty bland, you know. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

I think, I don't think he'd have good chat. That is a good point too because you're going to need it on the island with no Netflix. Yeah, yeah. And not a very physical person, I think. I just can't imagine being very active. No. Doing useful stuff.

He'd say things like, we'd go, go look can you go and chop that wood i'm very fixated on the fact we'd need firewood but i i you know you hand him an axe say can you chop that firewood plierishi and he'd come back three minutes later just like clutching his shoulder going oh god it's awful and he'd name some injury that he has that has a special name. And he'd go, like, I can't do it. I've got shoulder tunnel or something. So we can't. So then we'd say, OK, fine.

We'll get someone else to chop the wood. Yeah. No, I think that's a very good choice. Yeah, I think it's just always the ones in the background. Like, at least if you're overtly being a dick, you're like, right, you know who you are. That's it. Yeah. See, Preeti Patel, I reckon she'd go chop some wood. Yeah, probably. Just furiously. being a dick you're like right you know who you are but that's it yeah see pretty patel i reckon

she'd go chop some wood yeah probably just furiously she's pregnant with pure evil but she'd go chop wood boris johnson i think at least he would tell jolly stories um i'd hate them but i'd love to hate them you know because he's he's not going to run anything on the island he can't be in charge of my money on the island there is no money whereas rishi sunak oh he's he'd be unable to cope and unable to be any fun okay good so rishi joins you on the island then yeah who's who's the next person to join you okay next person joining me on the island and i'm slightly worried about this one, but it's Cilla Black. Okay. Okay. So, unlikely she is dead, but I heard that when she was alive, she was horrible. And it's another one who she'd come on with all the charm, and then when you least expect it, then she'd be extremely vicious.

And I wouldn't like that at all. And I think she'd team up with Rishi, and they'd end up being, like, very passive-aggressive bullies yeah interesting yeah she's someone I mean she's so good at sort of doing the patter of kind of getting to know you as like she'd start off I imagine treating you like a contestant that's it yeah and just sort of going where are you from lovely to hear but I think once that run out and then she realized that you couldn't sort of wait on her hand and foot. I imagine like there must be a diva in there, I think. Oh, yeah.

Had been a diva in there. I know some people who work with her and said, oh, she's horrible. Also, you know, the Chuckle Brothers, they have another two brothers who are in a duo. No. Yeah. Yeah, for real that who they and everyone talks about both these pairs of brothers who are all chuckle brothers but one two of them are not called chuckle brothers about how nice they are they always say like they're so lovely and these two in particular they've not got

a bad word to say about anyone except Cilla Black who they they called the c-word wow she drew that out of them and I'm not talking about Cilla not that's not the c-word it's quite good though now that you know she's horrible you can go around calling people a Cilla yeah yeah I think I can't do you for it now I feel like I mean luckily I think you can't lie you can't slander the dead can you so we're sort of okay now no I think okay yeah yeah yeah I think I'm sure it was Cilla Black I heard that in her green room or her dressing room she would take everything. Like, if you bought her flowers

she'd take the vase as well. Like, it would look like an empty blank room after Cilla had been in there. And I quite like that. But then you hear in interviews she'd like make out how down to earth she was

and apparently she really wasn't. She'd like be in interviews going oh i'm just simple me i just love mushrooms on toast and stuff like that and then uh you hear about she was in panto and like none of the ensemble are allowed to look at her um she had to none of them were allowed to walk past her dressing room and she was on 20 grand a week wow you you love i love it when you hear those sort of things about famous people, and it's like, oh, yeah, on set, they've got this thing, you're not allowed to look at them. And I always wonder, like, there must be a point where you start off going, imagine having that in your claws,

and then you speak to another big actor, and they're like, oh, don't bother, you're going to have to ask the runner, because they're not allowed to look at me. And you're like, how did you get in the lead to persuade them over time? You're like, I'm going to get that in my next contract that's it like what gave you the idea yeah because sometimes when you know when when the office when i still had to go into the office which obviously i don't now right you know there's some mornings i wouldn't mind having a clause in my contract like that like nobody you know i think that's where it comes

from just deal with the big stuff yeah because i heard okay so it's eddie murphy who i love i love eddie murphy i think he's brilliant but he was in a film with a guy called paul sheer who um he's podcaster comedian actor and he had a very small part in that awful meet dave film and paul sheer's huge eddie murphy fan and they were shooting all day with like eddie murphy body doubles and he had like 10 different ones so one looks like the back of his head and one would do be a shoulder and that kind of thing and then then it was time for eddie murphy to come down and shoot his scene and they were all going all the crew were right right mr murphy's coming down do not talk to him uh if he is helping himself to the food table or whatever don't go over and talk to him there um you're when it's time to shoot your lines

if he's just doing his lines you just stand out of his vision and paul sheer was like oh this is so sad he's one of my heroes and he's obviously a massive dick and he came down introduced himself to every person on set in person and he said to paul sheer he went oh i'm so glad you're working on this i love this and he named like a film paul sheer had done he thought you're brilliant and i'm so glad that you're working on this and he couldn't be nicer all day now i heard that and went oh how lovely but that means there are two versions of eddie murphy there's that one or there's the version that comes down he's like nobody look at me nobody talk to me so I think that's probably where it comes from yeah someone gets to be a big enough star and have a bad enough day

yeah because I wonder if there's like sometimes the decisions just get like you've got really really keen PAs who just take it that one step further and be like, oh, he complained about waiting for the lift that time. So I'll make sure the lift is, I'll always make sure someone runs ahead and gets the lift for them and holds it so that he never, do you know what I mean? You're like,

are you just trying to make his life easier? Does he know that he's like, you've made him into a dick? Maybe it's that. I don't know. But then, because I've never heard stories of Eddie Murphy being an asshole on set. I've heard him making terrible movies. Yeah. I don't know. Because I've never heard stories of Eddie Murphy being an asshole on set. I've heard him making terrible movies.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's just like you just think, you know, like, as I said, if I had the option one day to switch everybody off in the office and just not make any small talk. Yeah. Someone said, we can do that. We can put it in your contract. Yeah.

Yeah. At least Monday morning, Friday afternoon, put that in my contract. That's nice, actually. Nobody to look it down. Yeah. There were five years I worked for a law firm. And all those people didn't understand me and I didn't understand them. But I'd be in the kitchen sometimes and there was one guy who worked there.

And every time he came in to the kitchen, I had to do a lot of photocopying. I was a very, very important member of the team every time he walked past he'd go same same um what's the word you know same like tune to what how he'd say it hey how's it going every time and there's nothing wrong with it and it's perfectly nice and it got to the point I'd be like I'm fine i hated the job and he always asked in the exact same way and it wasn't his fault but if i could have switched him off yeah that would have been amazing and i was an admin girl and just and just all the people that you know when you say you're right they actually tell you if they're all right or not it's like no i meant hello you know the way we've been doing in this country for fucking years. Come on. You know how it works. I don't actually want to know how you are.

Oh, my knee. It's my knee. And also, it's going all the way down my shin. You're like, oh, no. Okay, but Cilla Black then. So we reckon she would just, yeah. I mean, she's not going to get stuck in. You've got Rishi not really getting stuck in.

Cilla's not. Because even if she's the nicest woman in the world, I mean, she's dead. But let's pretend you've got herishi not really getting stuck in silla's not because even if she's the nicest woman in the world she i mean she's dead but let's pretend you've got her at the age but we'll pretend you've got her at the age she died at so whatever like i don't know she must have been in her 70s or something yeah not going to be that useful um and then i think yeah i imagine as well like she's probably got a million showbiz anecdotes. That's true. You get the feeling that you want the ones where it's like something quite bawdy and rude happening,

but she just wants to tell you about Burt Bacharach all the time. Oh, and do you know what she'd do? She'd be like Alan Partridge. Every story would end with, needless to say, I had the last laugh. Every story ends with her coming out on top yeah because i'm i sort of feel like we all see her as blind date you know like saturday evenings blind day yeah i think she sees herself as like up there with dusty springfield sort of burt baccarat era like a bit

of a legend yeah the grandam kind of thing and i think that's going to clash quite quickly and she's like stop asking about Graham from Blind Date yeah she hates to talk about Blind Date yeah that's what it would be and she would be quite mean and then Rishi would see that and go yeah and then they'd become friends and they'd be like

two school bullies yeah yeah fair enough okay good look at me I'm five foot one. Look at me going, ha ha, they're short. OK. And who's going to be the third person joining you then? OK. It's a very obvious choice. Super obvious choice. But my reason is different to what you'd expect. It's Donald Trump. Right. Obviously, it's Donald Trump. He's awful awful he's currently the most famous bad guy in the world he's such a

piece of shit but my reason I don't want to be on a desert island with him is have you seen when he's not being interrupted by the press and he's just talking freely and sometimes when he's got a softball interview and he's just talking freely on Fox or whatever he

is real dullard. Like that man is so boring. He is like every guy you've been stuck next to at a wedding. Like, Oh, this is my uncle. Um, and,

and you're like, Oh, nice to meet you. And then he just talks to you about golf for an hour and a half and doesn't ask you one question about yourself. That's what you'd be stuck with on the desert Island with Donald Trump definitely yeah it's weird with him because like often you can't even he's so rambling and tangential you can't even follow what he's saying so it's not like speaking to a toddler because you're like yeah are you is this something you saw on tv or

something that happened at nursery I'm not sure yeah oh now it's turned into a story that wasn't about either of these things. And then you have to go to the parents, don't you? Go, right, who is Eddie the golden guy? And they're like, oh, he made up Eddie the golden guy because he saw C-3PO. And you have to decipher it through people who know. But there wouldn't be anyone who knows him there.

We wouldn't have Ivanka there saying, oh, he's just talking about some embezzlement he did once don't worry about it I always think with this island you know you do your best to try and just get along and maybe with someone like Rishi and Scylla eventually that might be possible but with Donald it will never ever

be possible until he just dies or is killed he'd do a lot of screaming i think i think he'd um i think he'd like do a lot of that i'll kill myself stuff and then storm off down the beach and we'd be expected to follow and be like please don't kill yourself but he's never gonna he's saying it so you follow him don't do it yeah definitely yeah it's such a i mean already it's been like a few weeks now since the election and already I've sort of forgotten what it was like to live with that constant hate. You know, like I didn't realise how big a thing it was in my life until it was switched off.

And I went, yeah, you know. Oh, yeah. I watch the news. I'm a bit of a news junkie and I'll sit there with various different news channels on like Grandad from Only Fools and Horses, like five different tellies on. I'll have American news rolling, and particularly around the election, obviously. And it feels so quiet, because we heard him talking every day for over four years. And he's gone so quiet,

and it's really like a deafening silence. I know. So imagine having to have it back on an island oh man yeah exactly it would just be i'd just be horrible and like every time you go shall we just kill him because i wouldn't feel bad because i wouldn't miss him yeah i mean there was loads of times he's in power and i thought if he died this would help more people than it hurt yeah yeah yeah now he's on an island i mean it's not a direct thing but at least he was bad but now it is sort of like murder without a sort of could eat him yes yes

i imagine he'd be very sort of um because he obviously does no exercise and he's really overweight he'd be quite muttony yeah i don't know i mean would he be stringy or just really soft but soft to a point where it's like this isn't good you know it's like horrible yeah it's like you know like the lard like the fat on on ham yeah you know it's like bacon's all right when it's kind of crisp but you know it's just like that white sort of and sort of mealy and powdery yeah i don't i don't want it i won't kill him i've decided i won't kill him um but i will have to suffer his how boring he is boring tantrums and think of like him and rishi having a chat and then rishi would come over and go you never guess what donald said

it was so funny and he'd say something that was like it wasn't funny at all like rishi would suck up to him um scilla would start going scilla would start calling us like as in, I mean, I've decided there's also like a total group of people like me there as well. It's not, it's just me, is it? But she'd turn it around to, you're the true racist. She'd turn it around to me. And then, and Donald Trump would agree because he thinks he's the least racist. Yeah. Yeah, because I imagine Cilla and Donald Trump, although on paper they seem quite different.

I mean, they have both been kind of successful and famous and rich for a lot of their lives. And they clung on to that one hairdo for decades. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's not going to be it's not going to be pretty. You know, sometimes you can think, well, you could maybe hang out with that one person.

But I think in that and and they're quite, I mean, like you say, Rishi would probably integrate himself nicely. And sort of, if nothing else, Rishi seems like he would be polite to everyone and just try and get along with people. Yeah, there probably is that, but I don't know. I think there'd be, I think there'd be a bit where you'd go, hang on a minute, where's my dinner? And Rishi would go, I had to eat that. And he'd just be like, I had to eat that and he just felt i had to eat it yeah and he would never apologize because you've got 10 houses or eat stuff along with donald trump and then try and like point at scilla or oh yeah it was yeah imagine if they both turned

on scilla and then i'm going i know what you did and they're going oh well if you were a feminist you would have stopped us they'd say that they'd say that they'd gaslight me about my feminism these guys are horrible yeah not nice people i don't want to be with them on this island no i mean it's a mark of uh your success so far in the podcast that you're finding it this uncomfortable already so it only shows that you're doing you're doing a good job that's it you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run

a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, Suze, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? It's bananas and Southern Comfort. Although, thinking about it, the company that I'm now keeping

are probably just glugged down on the Southern Comfort. Like, how bad can it really be? But, yeah, I hate bananas. I always have done. I'm really not a fussy eater. What is it in particular? It's a combination of the smell, taste and texture. So it's a real trinity of bad news when it comes to bananas.

Even when I was two, if my mum, because you mash a banana up, great, great easy food. And I would just be like, oh, and I'll eat just about anything. So, yeah, it's never left me. It's an awkward thing because they're quite a useful fruit. I mean, i mean like you know they're quite they add a lot of body to things you know that's a good vehicle for other things aren't they they come in their own wrapper yeah that's good i wish i liked them very much and it would be like a real monkey's paw situation to open up a crate go oh i wish there was food available, and there is, and open it up, and it's just bananas.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was going to say good for practical jokes on the other dicks on the island, but the problem is, like, can you slip on a banana skin on sand? I think one negates the other, doesn't it? There'd be a rocky area that Rishi would claim

and call it rishi mountain i could put some i could smear some banana around there and go go on up rishi mountain mate yeah and then he'd fall and go oh my tunnel shoulder yeah i think i did actually want to see a woman slip on a banana skin in town once for real i saw her just sort of slip a little like she didn't go down but she just sort of skidded a bit and then she looked down to see what what she'd stepped on and she's almost like oh wow it does happen and we were like this is amazing and she kind of she looked like actually happy that it had happened i like that you know and i don't think it was just that thing you do when you fuck up in public and you laugh at yourself a bit more to show how fine you are with everything.

I genuinely got a sense that she was like, oh, wicked, right, that's real. And she's quite a tall, model-y person. He looked very serious. So it was even better that she seemed to really enjoy it. Oh, that's great. I've heard of movie pictures being sold on less. So I say write that movie. The banana, yeah.

She discovered how to be silly and it changed her life. Yeah. So I think bananas, I mean, in terms of a thing to survive on for a long time, I mean, it's not good because you hate it. I mean, otherwise it's probably not that bad. But I think... Well, yeah, they're great, aren't they, bananas? They're very nutritious.

I think you just get loads of conversations about potassium a lot. People go, no, what does potassium actually do? Rishi, we've been through this. We don't know. No one knows. No one understands potassium. Rishi, you're boring. And then Donald's off going like,

I once played a banana in a round of golf and I won. So, yeah, you've got the little combo and Scylla's there just kicking off calling bananas pricks but hoarding them for herself

I don't know and what there'd be a lot no they'd all eat them gladly and there'd be a lot of you can't even taste

you won't even taste it just make it part of a smoothie you won't even taste it they do that which is what everyone does to me and then I'll go oh is this smoothie got banana in and you and they go no you have a sip you go oh it's got banana in they go oh you can't even taste it so i think with

silla and banana i can imagine that silla was the sort of person who would always like give you a load of shit if you didn't clean your plate um and sort of say about when she was growing up and she was like oh yeah this used to happen if we didn't clean our plates but i bet she's simultaneously really fussy about what she does eat as well oh absolutely also she'd be on about that and go when i was your age i'd be glad bananas and then she voted for thatcher so okay so bananas and then uh so washing it down with southern comfort then yeah my it's's my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for years and years and he loved Southern Comfort. And every so often he'd be like,

I think you should try Southern Comfort again. And in the same way with bananas, I hate them, but I'll eat just about anything. Southern Comfort, I think it is disgusting. But I will drink any booze. And I can mix together literally any booze and I'll go I've made it work in my brain um Southern Comfort though I think it is just foul it tastes like I can't think it's it's kind of like awful sweets that uh like like a nan would have yeah yeah it's kind of sort of like spirits for children isn't it it's

like junior spirits yeah with hate i don't know it's that spiced thing either just no no no i remember a while ago like they were trying to rebrand it and kind of like or like i don't know maybe i hadn't had any branding but there's something in this big marketing push where they're like you know show loads of clips of New Orleans. Pretend it's something to do with like jazz and soul. And we're going to call it SoCo. And I remember being at a festival when this drive was going on and loads of like people, you know, giving out samples. SoCo and Coke.

Let's admit this from the beginning. No one's ever calling it SoCo and Coke. No, it's not happening. I wonder if my ex like really went for it. It's like, yeah, SoCo. I'll ask him. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's just like being in New Orleans.

Have you been in New Orleans? No, but I've seen the adverts. I bet they don't drink it there either. I bet they're like, oh, we don't drink that. That sugary piss. Horrible stuff. Yeah. It's just like thinking about it's making my mouth feel sticky

that's it and i like a sweet liqueur but there's something about southern comfort i don't know it's kind of like it's like horrible toast that's been rubbed in cinnamon and then golden syrup there that's southern comfort but it's because it's not like if you have something that's like really sweet like baileys or something it is just yeah you know that's all right and if you're saying it's like whiskey it's okay but this is like what camp are you trying to be in yeah you know it's make up your mind also i bet it was i don't know the story of southern comfort but i bet it was created in like the great depression out of apple cores and old bits of chicken wire and stuff. It's like a stopgap liqueur and then stupid middle-class boys at Bournemouth University

are going, yeah, come on, Suze, have some. It's really nice. But I think it's just that thing of like, you feel like, there's that point where you're about 18 and you might actually like beer and grown-up drinks and you can't be seen to drink Alka-Pops. But you don't quite like it like i remember being like 18 and thinking i like whiskey but i couldn't drink it straight or without any ice you know oh and so southern

comfort's just like oh look i can be this like connoisseur quite urbane yeah yeah oh that's true oh maybe my oh maybe my poor ex was just trying to impress me for nine years by drinking Southern Comfort. Donald Trump's been like, you know, in the States, what we call it, we call it SoCo. You want a SoCo? I'm like, no one calls it that, Donald. You just sold it. Yeah, I invented it. In your stupid towel.

I invented SoCo. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, this is a very, very good Trump invention. And even, and then me, Rishi and Silla all just going, oh, Donald, shut up. And we all just get on for one night. He goes walking off to the beach going,

I'll kill myself. We know he'll be back within an hour. Just like, I didn't. But you're lucky. I was so strong that when I hanged myself, the whole tree ripped out by roots because it couldn't take me. Yeah, but what if he then comes back with some coconuts and that's nice.

Yeah. And now suddenly this island is a home. Yeah. I think the thing is as well, just thinking of your food and drink choice together is like a really shit daiquiri, isn't it? Yeah, that's true. It's like just mixing itself inside your stomach.

I hate it. I wish I'd never done this. I wish I'd never done this. I wish I'd never made this drink. Okay. Now, Suze, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? God damn it okay well the song to say it's my least favourite song of all time I always find like what's the worst film you've ever seen

what's the worst song you've ever heard because obviously the worst film you've ever seen is some crap filmed on a video camera that somehow did the rounds and it was made for 10p and it never should have seen the light of day but the worst studio film uh that i've seen and i've seen it recently because every saturday night i do a zoom with i've got friends in america and we watch a terrible film together over zoom so we watched a few weeks ago a film called Disclosure, which is Michael Douglas and Demi Moore.

And it's billed as just the most erotic thriller. And so we thought it would be a right laugh. And it is loads and loads of tedious, not even courtroom drama, like mediation in an office. There's one sex scene, which is just annoying. It's annoying. It's too much, and it's early 90s, so it's just,

all of it's too much. And the message of the film is horrendous. It's basically going, yeah, you've heard about sexual harassment in the workplace from women, but what if women were all liars and bitches? And it's written by michael creighton who did jurassic park and we were watching it is uh shout out to aaron jane

and trevor we were watching it and just shouting going no oh my god and apparently it was like super panned at the time it was awful it was a real mix of um boring it's got that Rishi thing, like the Rishi Trump Scylla thing, that it's boring as well as being like problematic trash. But the other thing about it is it's got real early CGI because the company that Demi Moore pretends that Michael Douglas assaulted her in, because he didn't, she engineered the whole thing because that's what women are like

that's what women are like but it takes place and they're developing new virtual reality software so Michael Douglas puts on a VR headset to defeat her at the end now it's fucking crazy and it looks like Encarta Mind Maze

which I don't know if you remember Encarta Mind Maze but it was great and it shouldn't have its memory sullied by I don't know if you remember Encarta Mind Maze, but it was great and it shouldn't have its memory sullied by disclosure. So that's the only film we're going to watch. And I just know what would happen. Donald Trump would be sitting there going, yeah, exactly, like spraying banana from his mouth, going, yeah, exactly, exactly.

And I'm not looking forward to it. No. Night after night. It doesn't sound like a bad film that's sort of fun that you can kind of go oh and look you know like i watched hackers recently and had a lovely time oh yeah that's great isn't it and um such shite yeah it's like i mean i remember loving it when i was young and i was like this won't have aged well and it hasn't but in a great way in a way that you're

like messaging your mates going and then this happens and doing screen grabs yes whereas disclosure sounds boring and shit. Yeah. It's also like it's got some crazy bits in it. But by the time you get to them, you just go, no, hang on. Wait. But I was really bored. And now you're doing this. The movie messes with you.

Yeah. It's not right. And as you say, Donald Trump just fight. It would just get him going every time. He would love that movie. And I can imagine he says the same thing at every point as if it's the first time he's watching it. And we're like, lawyers, lawyers, I had a lawyer. Let me tell you something we don't know about the lawyers.

Oh, and then a rambling story that we know is a pack of lies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So what would your song choice be then? My song choice. So it song choice so it's not the it's obviously not the worst song i've ever heard however it's a song that i there's so much i hate about it it's taylor swift's shake it off and the reason i hate it is because it's really goddamn catchy like it's a good pop song but Taylor Swift who like she's not my kind

of artist I wouldn't choose to listen to Taylor Swift but I get that she's a really good pop artist and a really good pop songwriter so that's why it annoys me that Shake It Off is her most popular song because it's a song about how whenever I get criticism, I just shake it off, delivered in the manner of someone who's like, yeah, I don't even care. I just, I don't even care. You can tell I don't care because I'm talking about it so much. And that's how you know I don't even care. Like she cares so much about any media criticism, clearly.

And she should just admit it. So the whole song I found irritating because I'm there tapping my feet. And yet I'm very irritated by the lies she is telling during the song yeah that seems i get that totally yeah i also think like it seemed like there's always songs like this now and again where it's like hey let's just you know like black eyed peas where is the love and you're like oh yeah it's like hey guys you know like racism's like stupid you know and like i don't know like why it's taken us so long to point it out but like now we have it's yeah it's done in a manner of like it's done in a manner of oh we've we've solved this yeah no you didn't solve it yeah

it's like you didn't solve anything it's like because like because you know like i know that like no one's got it sorted right it's like you know reassure i once had some therapy and like the first time i met the therapist she was having a proper meltdown because she double booked me and this other guy and i was like oh gee this is quite good because i know that you're a really normal person and if i just thought that you were this serene person sitting on a cloud and then like we went into the front room where she had the sessions was like oh and someone's left the fucking washing out. Oh, for God's sake, today. Oh, God, I need a holiday.

Oh, that's so therapy in itself. Yeah, I was like, this is terrifying. But, I mean, you seem like you kind of wear your colours on your chest. Should you get a therapist, madam? But, you know, like, at least I'm like your normal. It's not like, oh, well, when I get stressed, you know, I just sort of think of all the goodness in the world and you're like oh god you prick yeah you don't yeah oh yeah i just don't believe them and of course it's like being a young female pop star you've got under the most scrutiny possible like yeah yeah and she does she gets taught you know they it was whoever she

was dating it's sort of less so now isn't it but when, you know, it was whoever she was dating. It's sort of less so now, isn't it? But when that song came out, it was whoever she was dating. It'd be like, oh, she's got another one. And there was always loads of speculation around it. So she released a song going, and I don't care. And the song screamed, I care, I care. I care so much.

It bothers me. It's also one of those songs that has been used on so many things from tv and adverts and films that like you sort of forget it's a real song in its own right because you just sort of it would feel like everything you it turns everything you're doing into like a sort of a bit in a film you know it feels like you're being soundtracked and you were sort of like you know you're chopping wood and then rishi presses play on that and you're like oh now it's like a getting along montage like cleaning up the island and that's true yeah and it's kind of like yeah it's really um quite patronizing it's like oh you you're having a few issues just shake it off like taylor swift some of us can't shake it

off in a great big mansion with a pool yeah yeah exactly it's like madonna saying that we're all leveled now by coronavirus oh and what and do you remember it was fairly near the beginning it was like early may i think but madonna went i just go for a drive to get away from it all and i know that's quite a brave thing to do but i just go for a drive it's like it's not brave to go for a drive during coronavirus madonna it's not in the air this isn't stephen king's the stand it's not just everywhere yeah it's like it's brave to go in a minivan full of people from a care home yes exactly that's that's much but i don't think that's what madonna does no sitting there in a very expensive open top car going i'm so brave to just drive around yeah yeah come back to loads of butlers clapping her

bravery yeah they're all like single tear well done well done good for you madge okay now let's see finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why right this i know is going to be a controversial choice but i felt i couldn't do this podcast and not be honest um i might get cancelled for this but it's dogs dogs yeah right i know people love dogs uh and they think dogs are very special and they write things on twitter like we don't deserve dogs and i truly don't think i deserve dogs they are so right i love my cats and they're they can be really annoying when my cats are annoying me i put them outside and i give myself a break can't do that with a dog because if you put a dog outside it'll probably go get run over someone will find it and go you

poor thing you've been abandoned and then the dog will act traumatized for the next few hours when you eventually have to take it back also i mean they are unbelievably needy dogs they can't do anything for themselves and i i think this says more about me than it does about dogs but i don't want anything that loves me too much yeah i always think this it's unnatural it's like people go oh you know you've been out the house for an hour and they come back and greet you like a long lost friend it's like yeah just if you knew a person like that i've met people like this and you're like what what the fuck is up with you oh my god imagine it was like a partner who was like that

you'd be like oh god stage four clinger yeah it'd be like living with a sort of american publicist being like that was so great everything that was so great did you see the way that was amazing this is amazing yeah i don't like it i don't like the way because i've had to house it i i actually like dogs but i just never want to own one i've had to house it for people before and they've got a dog and it's a lovely dog but you'll be watching tv and you go oh I'll just get up and go to the kitchen. And you get up and the dog like runs after you. And it doesn't take long before you're going, can I just have five fucking minutes? They're too much. Dogs are too much.

Yeah, I agree. I think also it feels like, you know, I know that obviously any domesticated animal needs that symbiotic relationship and they need us as well. You know, they probably couldn't survive on their own that much. But with dogs, I'm like, what is your game plan with the shit? Because we clean up your shit. And if there was just dogs everywhere, like what was their game plan in evolutionary terms? Like they would not be, because it's not like they're going to limit their breeding. So there's going to be dogs fucking everywhere and what happens just shit everywhere

like what are you gonna do with that what's your evolutionary plan just get humans that's it yeah that is absolutely it they are just pooping idiots and people go oh but dogs love you cats don't my cats they love me. But they also, as you can see behind me, they know to give me a break sometimes. I'm the one who's too much to my cats. But it's like, they're just the right amount of love. They come sit next to you.

My other cat, I am very irritated by him a good 15 times a day. And I'm like, oh, Freddie. And he never takes it personally or acts traumatized because cats are very secure. They're not needy and they are not self-centered in the same way that dogs are. Yeah, I agree. I will die on this hill. No, but that's the thing. It's just like because I think cats by their nature can

be such dicks like if you're a dick to a cat like if a cat's sitting on your lap and it's really comfy and then you just suddenly get up when it's asleep and move it off and it goes yeah and but you know it's kind of like well that's all right i'll do the same to you you know yeah fuck you fuck everyone they're like nihilists absolutely my cats would not be bothered by that at all they'd be initially like oh i don't believe this. When you're back and you sit back down, they're fine. Yeah. It might also be something from like sleeping for 22 hours a day.

So it's like, oh, this part of this nap has been mildly interrupted. Very chilled. You know. They're also entertaining. You don't have to walk them. I mean, I don't want to be the sort of stand-up comedian that's like hey cats are different to dogs but they're like we got a bit i live with my mum because everything's going very well we got a rolled up bit of silver foil we threw it on the ground

the cats went to town on it earlier for a good like 30 40 minutes it was great we got to watch that yeah it's good yeah the dog would need a walk i know and just and everything's wet and smelly you know like you throw a dog throw a ball for a dog and you think this is fun and then it's like wet and you well i guess you get those stick scooper things but i've got to carry that around absolutely and then they don't come back with a ball so wet i don't understand people who let that jump up happen they jump up and they've got their claws aren't sharp but they're very hard and they hurt when they rake down

your legs I'm sick of dogs yeah no I agree I'm sick of having to agree that dogs are special I don't I was in the park yesterday very hungover with my son and I saw this massive grey Alsatian but it had the bark of a very small, like, yappy dog.

And I was like, what the fuck's going on there? That's interesting. That's not right. That's something weird. And then I saw it again, and it had a big dog's bark. And I was like, there's something going on there. So I'm worried that they're slowly... It's lying like Scylla.

Yeah, I'm worried they're slowly becoming sentient. Well, they are sentient, butient but you know like a bit cleverer oh no I don't want that I don't want them getting smart well maybe that was like an alien trapped in a dog and it wasn't quite you know it was working out the glitches or something so I can't stop thinking about it I don't want to be on the island with these dogs

yeah it's really stayed with me I'll be honest well Susan you've done a brilliant job with um you know picking an island full of awful people and things so well done i can only applaud you and this would be some people's dream island wouldn't it there'd be like someone who is a uh from middle england bit of a brexiteer they're like oh you're on an island with rishi sunak, Cilla Black, a bunch of dogs, Donald Trump, some Southern comfort, bananas and a film about how women are evil. They'd be like, oh, brilliant. I can't wait.

This is my heaven. So I think I've sorted it for them. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And while we're here, I mean, is there anything you're up to at the minute that people should know about to find out more and see more from you at the moment? Oh, I'll just plug. I do two podcasts. I do Mystery on the Rocks, which is me, comedians Chris Stokes and Masoud Myles. We drink cocktails.

We solve unsolved mysteries. And I do a song at the end that I write during the episode. We're doing a Hollywood series currently. And we're solving various Hollywood mysteries. I also do The Queen podcast, which is the official podcast for the band Queen. It's me, comedian John Robbins, Rohan Akaria, and Simon Lupton.

We are going through Queen's back catalogue, half an album at a time, and it is the best job I've ever had. So I'll plug those. Nice one. Brilliant. Well, Suze, thanks again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. Cheers. Cheers. Thanks for having me. Bye. Bye.