Desert Island Dicks - SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT / COMPACT DICKS

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

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Neither of us know how to start this podcast, so I've just started with the song, with the song. We never have, and we never will i don't think i think probably the best way to turn people off is to start singing at the start but look let's just start like this this is a very special compact dick slash announcement episode and james well i remember i think you should put special announcement slash compact dick so people really download the heck out of this i do you know what it crossed my mind yeah yeah because you're a pro that's why i i i mean i i've made a podcast before yeah i made a podcast or two but you made this podcast happen, James. Well, I did, Dan. And that might be interesting for the listeners to know.

Yeah. So, look, we've got some big news, people. We are making some changes to the podcast. Not the podcast itself, the format, the structure. Everything is staying the same. But I am going to take a leave of absence because I've just got a bit of a crazy life right now and i really need to stop yeah basically and i think that's great i

think i think you know you know when the time is right to do something like that. And if, you know, it feels like now is the time to depart. So we're not saying it'll be forever. But at one point we were thinking of stopping it forever. And then we got all sentimental and we thought, hang on, hang on. We've got this lovely audience. We've got this great format. We've done hundreds of episodes, lots of downloads, thanks to you guys. And we thought, it's a bit of a shame.

How can we keep it going in a more manageable way? And my answer was, you do it. Well, I think we came to that conclusion together, but I feel like at one stage, you are right, we were going to just end the podcast, but I found the idea of it surprisingly to me, actually much more difficult than I thought it would be. Just because as I said to you before,

and is new to you listeners, is that I think approximately now in in the year six years ago exactly six years ago um we started this podcast or i started this podcast at the time very much with that uh dan being the catalyst for that because we were sat in the office and you said to me stop talking about it just do it and you recorded the very first episode with me. So this is a nice kind of full circle moment. And after investing kind of six years and best part of 300 episodes into this sweet little baby that we've created,

I found it more difficult than I thought I would to let it go. And so on that basis, I'm not going to let it go. We're going to continue the podcast. And just for the indefinite future, I will continue to host it and put out episodes each week. Exactly. I think the thing is for people to understand is that this whole podcast is me and you. This is it.

We're getting the guests we're editing it sometimes our friend chris helps us with the editing which is very appreciated obviously but that's that's it like there's no production company behind it the thing that i read out at the end when i say it's a sync clap production that's your business this is so this is you know we're not being funded by some big production company. And all the money we get from it goes straight back into it. So it's like it's a passion project rather than a full-time job. We have to work normal jobs alongside it.

In the last few years, I've had a very crazy sort of three years. So coming out of lockdown, my youngest was born during lockdown, premature. My mum was diagnosed with some pretty heavy illnesses after that. Like for five months, my wife couldn't walk because she tore a ligament in her knee and I was doing everything in the house. Like, you know, I've lost quite a few friends and family in that time. Like it's been pretty relentless and things now with my mum are quite uh heavy as well and I'm sort of at the point where I just need to I just need to clear some space in my life for yeah all the mad thoughts that are crammed into my head so yeah it should only I mean you've managed to host the podcast and produce the podcast uh through a lot of challenging times and like

this should only happen if it's fun right and if it's enjoyable and if at any point it's not enjoyable or it becomes too much then it there's no there's there's no point in doing it and just to skip back a little bit to what you were saying before is one of the other reasons why we thought about drawing this to a close is because it is difficult to continue as an independent podcast that doesn't have the backing of a big production company.

And what seems to be key at the minute is like a big celebrity host with lots of followers. So the podcast doesn't make a load of money and for those reasons we can't take time off of work to produce the thing and so it does have to be a passion for doing it it does have to be fun and enjoyable otherwise you do get very little return from it and so you know although i'm saying now i can't let it go let's see how that pans out over the next few months yeah but you know we do love doing it and that's why we're going to try and keep it going

as much as we can but um yeah and you know i might be back at some point as well or we'll start tag teaming or something like that you know we'll find a way of making it work basically yeah maybe maybe next year um you could come on Compact Dicks, but as my guest, so you could just rock up, do a bit of talking, and then fly back off again. You know, let's see how it pans out. Yeah. Well, we've still got loads of stuff going on.

We've still got the live podcast with Jenny Eclair on Thursday, the 2nd of November. So less than a month away now, which is pretty crazy. Get your tickets, cheerfuleearfall.co.uk. Less than a tenner for our one. It might be your last chance to see Dan hosting the podcast and you can come and see it live. Yeah.

See that pure, raw energy live. See the pure lack of energy live. No, there will be energy. There'll be energy. I'm going to bring the fire. That's what they say, isn't it? I don't know. I'd say bring the thunder.

Yeah, but with fire emojis after it. Yeah, put the fire emojis. Yeah. But look, that's sort of the big announcement, really. But as we were here, we thought, you know what? We haven't done a Compact Dicks in bloody ages. Let's check the email account. We've got emails.

Lo and behold, there were emails in there. But just before we read some emails, Dan, I think if it's okay with you, I'd like to send you a little message from our regular contributor, John Deacon. Hi, James. Hi, Dan. Well, when James originally told me he was handing over the mantle of Desert Island Dicks to his mate Dan I was a little bit concerned but I needn't have been because Dan has been a superb host of the show. He's had some great guests on, he's had some

brilliant banter and you'll be sorely missed Dan.. Good luck for the future, mate, and thanks for everything you've done. You've been great. Cheers. Bye. Thank you very much, John. It has been a pleasure. And, hey, one of the best side effects of doing this podcast is getting to know you just a little bit better. Oh, listen to that. That's lovely.

Chef's kiss to that. James, shall we delve into our listener emails? Oh, let's do some emails. Dan, why don't you read the first email? This is a lengthy but well-written email, and it comes from Tom. He says, hi, guys, absolutely loving the pod. I'd like to nominate former Balls of Steel presenter and current GB News mouthpiece, Mark Dolan.

He says, I liked Balls of Steel back when it was on steel presenter and current GB News mouthpiece, Mark Dolan. He says, I liked Balls of Steel back when it was on and had seen bits and bobs of Mark Dolan's stand-up and other online comedy he did and found it funny enough. In his routines, he came across as pretty centrist, liberal kind of guy, making jokes about the Telegraph being a right-wing rag and how crap Brexit was. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he reinvented himself as a right-wing shock jock on talk radio

before moving to GB News where he spouts whatever right-wing anti-vax, climate change-denying, pro-Brexit lunacy his boss is telling him to. While GBB's is full of right-wingers... I quite like calling it GBB's. Yeah, GBB's is great. Undermine them a little bit.

It's really clever. Whilst GBB's is full of right-wingers who I don't necessarily like or agree with, Anne Widdicombe, for example, I can at least acknowledge that they are sincere in what they believe. But Mark Dolan is a different story entirely. Whilst he still admits that he voted Remain in a manner similar to a born-again Christian confessing their past sins, he claims he accepted the referendum result as soon as it was announced

and was excited about the opportunities that Brexit apparently presented. I have no issue with Remainers who did accept the result and wanted to make the best of it, as that's not an unreasonable stance. But when the referendum result was announced, Mark Dolan posted a petition for a second referendum on his social media, which is still visible today. Coincidentally, when he wasn't on the payroll of billionaire media moguls. Additionally, he has gone on to fully embrace whatever batshit conspiracy theory or cultural war bollocks his bosses tell him to, and regularly sucks up to people he's previously

referred to as nutters, Farage, Rees-Mogg, etc. like the two-faced little twerp that he is even his fellow comedians have said how shocked they are at his transformation saying that he never held such views in all the time they knew him which is even more reason to believe he is spouting this nonsense because he is being paid to and if the guardian offered him an extra fiver a week then he'd renounce all his newfound views in a heartbeat. In summary, Dolan is a bandwagon jumping, sell-out little piss weasel who's like, A, that twat at school who starts hanging out with the bullies

and has become their lapdog, willing to say or do whatever they tell him, even turning on his old friends, or B, that other twat at school who switches between supporting Man United, Liverpool, or whoever's winning at the time. Either way, he's a massive dick and a worthy nomination. I'm sure you'll agree.

Oh, that is... Oh, wow. I wish some of the guests on this podcast would have thought through their answers like that. That is damn delicious. That's right, yeah. Well done. Well argued, balanced.

I mean, it's just... I feel like a judge on MasterChef, you know. Just beautifully balanced flavours there. But the observation, the time, the effort that's gone in, the following of Mark Dunne and seeing what he's posting and what he's talking about and then just putting it in a big cauldron of bile and just unleashing it is beautifully, so well written. And I think we all know this.

As you were given the options at the end i was thinking about this sniveling guy at school who i knew and then all of a sudden hanging out with like the cooler more bullyish kids and then all of a sudden just shunned us and i could picture him and it's exactly the same type of guy yeah i just think they're the most dangerous sort of people the ones who like if you believe in rock whatever batshit crazy conspiracy theory thing like that's odd but it's sort of your convictions that's okay in a way but if you're just sort of just being whoever the pay masters want you to be that's so sinister and that's sort of how you get like the katie hopkins and piers morgans because you know it's worse if I can just pay you to say whatever mad shit that I want.

You know, especially when it's like incredibly offensive to a lot of people. So, yeah, fair enough. Wow. Beautifully done. Okay. So, yeah, thank you, Tom, for that one. That was perfect. Thank you very much, Tom.

Dan, I have one here. And this comes in from Georgorgina and georgina says hi dick judges nice i have a miscellaneous nomination which is the romanticization of farming specifically livestock farmers who don't contrary to what many say love their animals like children if they did they would sell their children to be slaughtered for the business which is what a farm is and not a nursery for sheep cows and chickens and i do kind of get that because when you watch tv and it's just like down on the farm or whatever it's all quite cute and everyone's like you know got fresh eggs and they give the cow a little hug

do you know i mean that kind of thing but the But the reality is we've seen the video, so we know. Georgina goes on to say, if an animal is going to be slaughtered to turn for profit, that's quite different to lovingly caring for it like it's a beloved member of the family. It's a business. It really gets my goat. I imagine pun was intended there,

but it really gets my goat when farmers are presented as living, doting parents to their animals when their business is based on arranging for these animals to be killed i'm not judging the farmers for being farmers if people will buy it then businesses will provide it etc but the way that they're talked about like it's mary fucking poppins of the countryside is just ridiculous great okay there you go so specific yeah and another very balanced uh email i think um yeah it's something i like this because it's something i've never really thought about but i think there is a disconnect between the sort of

like romantic idea of the farmer getting up early with his cows you know like out there in the field just in your big barber jacket with your hat on just like go dog and fetch me those lovely sheep do you know i mean it's it's natural they're probably using bolt things to like slam the pigs in the head well i think before we have a like an alanridge-style farmer's revolt on our hands. Yeah, that's true. I think they just grow, you know, they rear the animals and send them off for someone else to kill them. They probably have to kill them sometimes in case of an accident or something. But I think the idea that they're all kind of, you know, sitting there like,

they're there now. Hush, hush. I shan't hurt thee. Come along now. Get into the field. There you go. there's some milk like i don't think that's how you know it is a business and it's probably pretty brutal and i think you know good farmers obviously do care about their animals in that they have to care

about their product to make sure it gets to market okay but i don't think it's you know they're not vets they're not like they're not it's not an animal rescue center i will caveat what i said by saying that um on my wife's side of the family there are some farmers and we often go over to the island and stay with them on their farm i say often once a year we go over stay with them on their farm and they work incredibly hard it but it's not as it's pictured on tv which i think what georgina is getting at they get up really early. They've got to do a lot of quite grueling jobs and it's quite tricky. And they don't form bonds with the animals. For example, I remember the kids going, what's that one's name? And the farmer going,

we don't give them names. And that kind of sums it up for me. They don't have the time to do that. It is a business. And the same people that probably romanticize you might go to the supermarket and and pick off pick some lovely pork or some chicken off the shelf you're not really thinking about what happens in between i would say yeah exactly it's a hard job it's very brutal they work very long hours and do crazy stuff that i wouldn't be strong enough to do. But I mean, like, isn't it better that it's business like for them than like, I mean, if they reared all their animals,

named them all and tuck them in at night and then still got them all killed, that would also be quite weird. It would. I mean, not that I'm saying you should go so far the other way that you just treat them like shit all the time, you know, like treat them broadly fine. Dad, I'm going gonna go on a minor tangent but i i really thought the super vet was the one

that goes to the farm i think it's called the yorkshire vet that goes to the farm i found out a mad story the other day where the there there's um the program the super vet and that is it was um the britney spears song toxic was written about the super vet because obviously it's not written about it's not written by britney spears it's written by the british songwriter who then sells it on and she wrote the song about the super vet who was on tv no yeah go look into it there's a few articles online but this is incredible it's amazing yeah it's um i thought i thought they were the same person but they're not but um i'm sorry yorkshire vet to have targed you with the

super vet brush did you think this this would be the way that your last podcast would end if you could have guessed no well yeah it's like oh yeah he said it because he he said he was leaving because he had a difficult personal life. Turns out he was, like, yeah, just chased down by farmers, like a mountain partridge. Yeah. Dan, I guess this is the end of the podcast. I guess it is, yeah.

Yeah, well. Dan, I just want to say thank you. Oh, thank you, James. james no because like about however long the covid time was it three years ago i i was worried about hosting this podcast and i thought i couldn't do it anymore and at that time you said i'd love to do it and you stepped in and did it and you've kept it alive for these past three years, I think, yeah, you've done way more episodes than I have now. And it wouldn't still be here without you, your love, care, and attention.

And I really appreciate that. Thank you. Well, thank you, James. And I appreciate being given custodianship of it because I've thought this a lot of times, and I always thought I'd probably try and say this in a more public forum, but it's never already arrived, but it's probably the best present anyone's ever given me,

James. I've got to say, Oh, man, you know, I get to like, I get to sit and like talk shit with comedians that I think are brilliant and like have a laugh with them and like pretend I'm,

I'm a big shot on a panel show. It's great. Oh, damn. So thank you man we'll work something out hopefully I'll be back in some format I'm still trying I'm still hoping to do the Jenny

Eclair live show if I can but yeah we'll keep you up to date with everything here you know Dan the Dick's door is wide open thank you and also you can find us on Twitter and instagram at dixpod yeah and you can get in touch on um uh contact the podcast at dixpod.com contact if you want

to touch i'm talking to social media there's even a poll running at the minute i don't know how long that poll runs though does it well if we get through to the next round. Oh, yeah. Yeah, go and vote. There is the Comedy Podcast Devotees page on Twitter, and they are running like a World Cup of comedy podcasts. And we are in the first round currently. I think we're doing all right. We look like we might get past the group stages at this point. But, yeah, go and check out their page.

Do cast your vote for Desert Island Dicks. We'd really appreciate that. Yes please do yeah i'd love it if we got through to the to the final of that yeah it's him wouldn't it absolutely come on everyone as a parting gift to dan rally together and get us to the to the top of the podcast pile let's do it man we can do it i believe in you right thank you everybody uh it's been a pleasure and uh well yeah bye bye