Desert Island Dicks - STEVE N ALLEN

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

The Mash Report's very own Steve N Allen joins us to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, which today features comedian and host of the MASH Report, Steve N. Allen. This was recorded about a month ago at the start of March

when we were allowed to roam freely and no one really knew what was going to happen with the coronavirus and everything. So we were in a studio for this one, which kind of seems odd now that I'm used to just recording them on a laptop on my bed. But I just wanted to pop up here and say that if you like this podcast, then please like, rate and subscribe. And here is Desert Island Dicks with Steve N. Allen. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and podcaster Steve N. Allen. Hello. What I was going to do before is check that you're happy with comedian and podcaster as a title. I mean, yes. Let's not check to see if I'm successful in either two of those categories. Let's just take it as a given and let's claim it. Yeah. Wonderful. Well, thank you for coming in.

You know what? To start off with, may I offer you, in these coronavirus-heavy times, antibacterial hand wipe? Oh, I'd love one, please. Thank you. Let's have a little... Because I imagine this is the first thing that you would take to a desert island. Well, I think these days, yeah. Or maybe you're take to a desert island. Well, I think these days, yeah.

Or maybe you're safer on a desert island. That's the thing. Yeah, it's got the whiff of the Karoo ship to it. That's the thing, though, isn't it? If you're on there with someone, you're going to get it, and the entertainment's rubbish. Mmm, scented.

Thank you, sir. It feels quite lavish these days, doesn't it? This has suddenly become the real currency. Yeah. I mean, we are a step away from being the full Howard Hughes living in a sealed-up room and peeing into a jar. And so, like, everyone else is panic-buying toilet roll.

What I'm doing is panic-buying jars. Got to pee somewhere. Nice. Very good. Yeah, nice. Well, thank you, though, for coming in. How have you found the process of choosing the dicks? Really difficult.

So, yeah, I've spent the last couple of years of my life trying to give up hate, trying to be, you know, I've realised there's no point, everyone carries with them so much angst and anger and there's no point in accusing someone of the thing you hate because then they'll get defensive and then you get a little battle. I realise, you know, they're right, you've just got to let it all go. Just breathe and forgive and all this rubbish.

And then you've really undone all that for me. I'm sorry about that. Maybe it could be like a little safety valve, just release just enough to sort of keep you back on an even keel for the rest of the year. Yeah, it's wise, actually, because we're in a building where if I went up to the roof, you get a good line of sight. So it's good that I don't go too far. Good.

Okay, well, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first dick? It's Mark Sargent. Okay. Yeah. And so for people who aren't familiar with Mark Sargent... There'll be a lot of them, which is good. It's good.

In fact, I almost straight away, I regret the fact that I'm giving more airtime to him. But it's what he stands for. Mark Sargent is one of the Flat Earthers. And he's very prominent in the Flat Earther community. I first noticed him in the Netflix TV thing, Beyond the Curve. And this is not going to be an argument

about why flat earthers are wrong. Because, again, it's the same thing that I've learned over the last few years. There's no point arguing with people. They've got their beliefs. Do whatever you want. No one's going to die from thinking the earth is flat. And actually, in this new Serene Steve,

I've realized, you know what, the Earth is such a big globe that it almost looks flat. So they're only a little bit wrong. On a local level, they're only a little bit wrong. It's the attitude that bothers me. Oh, man alive.

So I saw some, I obviously saw that show, the Netflix one. There's also a thing on Discovery Channel where they proved to him that the Earth is round. And it's just that kind of like, well, you know, flawed experiment, wasn't it? And I've

had many arguments with flat earthers, and it is that attitude of maybe you should actually educate yourself a little bit. Oh! Why is it that I don't get to be that patronising to them, but they do to me? So, I've chatted with various in the past, and one of them was saying, like, you know,

maybe you should educate yourself in science. That's what i did before i did comedy and all this like right so that was i was a scientist at university right and then they have the attitude of well you believe everything they teach at the universities today you're believing everything from youtube why is mine rubbish but you're you're one step above getting a gcse TikTok? Why is yours better than mine? And it is that attitude. And it's also the logic that really bothers me. And the logic is, if they say something that I can't thoroughly disprove, they must be right then.

And that's not actually how proving stuff works, is it? No, exactly. It feels like with all these sort of things, it's like arguing with a bouncer. You know, and it's just this awful circular argument. You're never going to win. You might as well just walk away and find somewhere else to drink. But actually, I also think there's...

The reason it seems that all flat earthers have this attitude is because the ones that don't will never hear about. There is something genius marketing of having that patronising attitude from a point of view that looks so ridiculous to us globe believers. I mean, there are so many arguments like, why would anyone come up with this conspiracy that it's circular? What difference does it make? Who's making money out of this?

And the only people who would be are those people who make the drinks cabinets in the shape of a globe. Very good point. But if it were a flat earth, they'd make a trade. Yeah. They'd make as much money. Yeah, just got a lovely table with some drinks on it. The table people would be all over this, wouldn't they?

So, yeah, it's the attitude that draws you in. So you get annoyed by it. It's like Starbucks spelling your name wrong. They do it deliberately, so then you take a picture of it, you put it on social media, and you go, can't believe they spelled Steve with 15 Es. So that's a conspiracy theory I could get behind. Exactly.

And it's that attitude that draws you in, which means we argue. And I know I should argue more about the anti-vaxxers because people might die from them. But I really believe the flat earthers to be the root of this. And actually, it's not just flat earthers. It is conspiracy theories.

It's people who believe in ghosts and say it quietly. It's a little bit of religion. Where if you can't thoroughly disprove everything they've just said, all of their beliefs must be right. I watched a clip of this guy and he was on This Morning with Phil

and Holly. It's amazing to watch because just seeing Holly Willoughby, she's just looking so professional. Her smile never leaves her lips. Butoughby, she's just looking so professional. Her smile never leaves her lips, but you can tell she's just absolutely incandescent with rage inside. It's a beautiful... I mean, just, she really earns her money that day, you know.

She's just going, you can't be serious. I mean, but she looks absolutely radiant throughout, and it's a credit to her. Yeah, and that's the thing. There shouldn't be rage. Do you know what? If you think it's flat and curlews, I'm not going to make...

It makes no difference to me, but it is the patronising attitude from a point of view of what I think is stupidity that just winds us all right off and it gets really, I get angry and I don't like getting angry

and that's why me on a desert island with this guy and all we would do, we'd spend all of our time just going, how do you account for the sun doing what it's doing right now? And he'd have some,

oh, you believe, you believe Newton, do you? Yeah, I guess I probably do, because the laws of, Newton's three laws, tend to work unless you're on the quantum level. Oh, you believe that because you read it in a book. Oh, what the... Yeah, it would be the most infuriating person to be stuck with.

I think, I agree with you, it's that thing of kind of, I've seen that documentary on Netflix, well, I haven't watched it, but I've seen it there, and every now and again I go, oh, do I open Pandora's Box or am I just going to be sitting there with clenched fists and teeth all evening in my free time? You know, it's a very hard one to gauge. You have to be in a very

specific mood to deal with this sort of person I think. Do it. Watch it, because there's a lovely bit, and this is not on the Mark Sargent strand. This is some of the other ones, who have crowdfunded like 15 grand to buy this really sensitive device that can measure effectively the change of angle. It's like a gyroscope, and if you tilt it, it will be able to measure that. And they say, you know, if these globe people are right,

it will measure 15 degrees per hour or something. I can't remember the numbers. And actually will prove that it's not, so it's flat. And it comes up bang on 15 degrees. Whatever their worst fear was. Straight away they go, yeah, we just need to crowdfund for an even more expensive one because this is not sensitive enough. And that tells you all the information you need to know

about the direction of this. They will never change their minds, and that's fine. But I don't want to be patronised for believing something that really kind of makes a lot of sense. Poor Phil and Holly. Yeah, it's that sort of sit back, fold your arms and smile kind of benignly at you

like oh you poor fool wake up sheeple why are they laughing so we interviewed one once when I did a radio show a while ago and I this still winds me up

I was saying go on then prove it to me and they have the attitude I don't need to prove it to you actually if you look just look Steve

with your eyes the world is flat have you seen it and I said look I believe that it's such a big big sphere and i'm such a tiny person that for me it looks a little bit flat that seems ridiculous steve just think about it that's okay then you know when you get a plane that flies around let's

say you know you go america europe off to russia what's it doing in your world's view and they say it's going around like a big disc and i I say, okay, surely pilots would be reporting that we have to keep knocking the steering wheel to the right a little bit to make a circle. And he said, no, it's such a big circle, you don't really feel that it's a curve. Oh, why are you out in the world doing that? So if their mission was to wind me up, they did it successfully.

Oh, man, I can feel my own bile rising slightly. Okay, so Mark Sargent goes on the island, and, yeah, I think he'd be an absolute nightmare to be stuck with. OK, let's go on to your second dick. Who are they? It's Claude from The Apprentice. Claude, OK. Yeah, this is controversial, I know,

because a lot of people like him, and he might not be the worst person on The Apprentice. That was my first objection to myself, was surely anyone from The Apprentice would be horrible. And I watch it every year because I love seeing these business people with so much self-confidence, they are brimming with hubris, get fired. It's brilliant.

For the first few series I used to not like the final, because one of them won. But then I realised, whoever comes second also lost. It's something for everyone. And you could argue maybe the person that wins doesn't really, you know, he just gets locked into quite a contract with Alan Sugar that probably isn't

that beneficial for them. That is nice, isn't it? So, for the avoidance of doubt, Claude is, he, in the original series, he was one of the sort of four very tough interrogators when they were really testing their mettle. And then he became one of the right-hand men. Yeah, he replaced Nick.

And during that role, look, I know the gig. I understand the gig is to have a dismissive face when the people are doing things. And in the edit, it will always look like you're right, because when they are working out, oh, should we go high price or low price, pull a face like you've just sucked a lemon, and then go, mm. And in the edit, it turns out you're a genius.

But in the moment, you'll know better at working out how much a punt stick should sell for. Let's not out you're a genius but in the moment you're no better at working out how much a punt stick should sell for let's not pretend you're that good but it is the interview phase that winds me up so much

because everyone on The Apprentice they all have that attitude of like I'm really good at selling I could sell sand to you on this desert island Steve

I'm so good at selling I would just sell I'm like the prison in Prisoner's Cell Block H I'm like sell sell sell and a lot of ladies and so you hate them

and then Claude made me feel sympathy for them and that's what I hate right oh because he puts them through the ringer so much that you kind of think

oh back off they're okay they're doing their best yeah he effectively he's normalising bullying in in business

because you watch that show and you think oh right so if you go for an interview at some high level, you expect someone to assassinate you with nothing other than what looks like a face filled with hatred.

Yeah. Why is that right? Yeah. It shouldn't be right. I think The Apprentice, I've always felt, is one of those shows where you get a lot of people going, so the thing is, in business,

you know, you've got to be ruthless. You know, in business, there's no rules. You know, all's fair in love and business. And it's like, they use the word business as a get-out of having any moral code whatsoever. And he's like the sort of king of that. He's at the top of the pyramid sitting there going, well, in business, you see,

I didn't get to where I am by being a nice guy. And you just think, I mean, how many friends have you got? It just seems so skewed. And there have to be nice businessmen out there. It can't just be these awful people. It should be rewarded instead of rewarding the horribleness. Yeah.

You've hit the net. You see this? I used to be calm for three years until you made this happen to me. I'm sorry. You hit the nail on the head with that. I didn't get where I am today by being nice. That sentence is exactly what's wrong in the world because it doesn't prove that you got where you are by being not nice. It one of those you've really got to get stuck in the grammar and the logic of it

it might be irrelevant to your success that you are just a hideous person but by putting them in a sentence and implying causality it seems like well you've got to put up with me effectively taking you outside and whipping you with a rope because you typed something wrong in your cv no be nice about this. I'm becoming angry about the lack of niceness. Eventually I'm going to become the person I hate, aren't I? By the end of this episode. I think maybe this is like just shedding your skin

of some hate. It's like you've got to check in, shed the skin, and then you'll be on your way a better person. Let's try that. Maybe. I think it's always like therapy for people. Because it's turning into this for me. It can be. It varies a bit. Some people are just well up for a bit of a verbal scrap,

you know, the people they put in. Some people find it therapeutic, and some people find it quite difficult, you know. So there's a range. I think I agree with what you're saying about people just being nicer. It's like my mum loves watching America's Next Top Model, and they're always saying the same thing, like, in this industry, you've got to be tough

because they will eat you alive. Well, here's a good place to start. Be nice. So you're not right for this campaign, but, you know, you're obviously very attractive. Just work on this a bit and, you know, all the best. But, you know, we're all awful people. You have to be one too.

It is excusing. It's giving yourself a reason to be not nice, isn't it? It's like, oh, I'd love to be a dick, which is, you know, I guess that's why I'm putting them on these island. But instead of thinking, oh, but that is a dick move, you find your reason, like, oh, well, I've got to be a dick to you, so actually I'm not a bad guy now for doing it. And actually, instead of saying, this industry will eat you alive,

how about we fire everyone in the industry who would eat you alive and have a nicer industry? Surely there are enough people out there to populate all the industries without making someone cry in an interview. I agree. And I think what we're doing here is actually laying out a blueprint for a lovely future model by confining these dicks to a desert island. But with me on it, I suppose I'm taking one for the team.

You're taking one for the team. You'd be sitting there with a flat earther, Mark Sargent, having an argument, and Claude would just be sitting there going, every now and again, oh, now I've heard everything. Or you'd be trying to fetch food, and he'd be like, from that side of the island, in this weather, are you mad, or why won't you stop piling?

And he wouldn't be doing it, he'd just be sort of project managing the whole time, while you're getting cut in the bushes trying to find firewood and things like that. Yeah, and he'd be at the edge of the island doing effectively what looks like a piece to camera. There's no camera. He knows how to frame it,

so I'm in the background sawing away at some stuff. Well, actually, he's made a mistake. In fact, he's gone for those berries. You're not helping, Claude. That's the thing. He's not helping. That mentality in business is not helping. No, I agree.

In everyone. It's making the world a worse place. I agree. Okay, well, let's the world a worse place. I agree. Okay, well, let's move on to your final dick. Who's it going to be and why? It's Bruno from whatever it's called, the dancing one. Strictly Come Dancing.

That one. Bruno Tonioli. Yeah, and look, I'll lay out my caveat early on this one. If you're going to get trapped on an island with him or me, he's the nicer person. In this argument, I know he's a great guy.

I've got no doubt that he's a great guy. But I can't stand him. And it's because he can't answer a question without standing up. He's just so full of... He's very bouncy, isn't he? It's the extraversion. Now, this is why, over the last couple of years, whilst dealing with you know, let all the hate go, Steve, be a nicer guy.

I've also realised I'm a big old introvert. Did a test at home, which, you know, online, on my own, the signs were there, right? And I'm an INTJ, and it's made my life make a lot more sense. And people think that introverts can't be stand-ups because we stand on stage and we talk to people, but

it's not like that. I read this book that explained exactly how it feels. that introverts can't be stand-ups because we stand on stage and we talk to people, but it's not like that. I read this book that explained exactly how it feels, that introverts lose energy when they talk with people and extroverts gain energy from being around people. And so it means extroverts, you know, we can talk to you, but at the end of that conversation, we'll probably think you're annoying because it's probably just been all you. But he's so extroverted that when I watch him on TV,

I can feel my energy go. They'll say, what do you think of that dance? And he can't answer a question, sat down. He's up, he's waving his arms in the air, and I'm just like a pool on the sofa. I'm just, ah, I'm drained. I would not last if he was on the island with me. Yeah, I think you're right.

It's not that he's a bad person. It's just how you would mesh with him in that situation. And quite a dire situation, of course. It's interesting to kind of think about, because a certain amount is probably a bit of an act, but I like to think about what he's like at home. Is he jumping around? You just give him a cup of tea and he's all,

ah, spilled it again, Bruno. Don't worry, I'll make you another one. If he's into football, watching a football match with him. Or worse, he's a dancer, so going to a ballet with him, is he jumping up and down in the middle

of an auditorium? There are times when one should stay seated. It's at the end of the world if you can sit down. So I think, yeah, if we were on an island

together, well, I'd kill and eat him. Yeah. I'm the bad guy at this one, I'll admit, but I'm more likely

to be exhausted by his presence and then also hungry. Actually, not even hungry. I'd eat the other two because of hunger, but I'd eat him first be exhausted by his presence and then also hungry. Actually, not even hungry. I'd eat the other two because of hunger, but I'd eat him first. But even before I was... I could be full on berries.

Yeah, I mean, I think... And I'd still be killing eating. He'd be bad at conserving energy, so he's likely to go first. But I imagine his flesh is more sinewy and muscly, so, you know, it's overworked. Maybe, you know, Claude the businessman is, you know, he's probably on the edge of gout,

so he's been marinating nicely for years. But I think Bruno's going to go first. He's got no reserves to work off when he's hungry. He would be harder to catch, but still, I'm cunning and I could plan it. Yeah, it is that extrovert. I'm not saying all extroverts are bad, but it's more like imagine if your presence drains energy from someone. Have a bit of awareness of that, and therefore kindness yeah sometimes rein in a bit i do i want to do

more about this in my life like defending the rights of the introverts because as soon as you're a bit quiet then people start to call you aloof and then all of a sudden you're the problem and it's not helped by the fact that people who keep themselves to themselves only get talked about on the news when they've just gone on a rampage. It doesn't do our cause good. And we're only like 30% of society, so there aren't that many people that could connect to it. And you're likely to know an introvert,

but you won't know because they won't mention it and because they're introvert. So it is a difficult one, but he is our nemesis. Yeah, I think the melting pot of personalities you've got on this island would make for a very unpleasant time. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? So my worst food would be macadamia nuts. A macadamia nut. Yeah. A very specific nut. Yeah, very specific. And look, what I love about podcasts, we know the rules. Podcasts, you can swear and you can talk about battle movements.

And here's where we're going on this one. Because I once did a gig, oh man, I remember this vividly. I was up in Birmingham, trying to lose some weight always because that's just one of the things I always have to do. And I was up in Birmingham, did this gig oh man i remember this vividly i was up in birmingham trying to lose some weight always because that's just one of the things i always have to do and i was up in birmingham did this gig drove back when i was living down uh down in hartfordshire and i stopped on the m1 i thought no i won't get chocolate i'll get some nuts healthy and it's probably the first time i'd ever had macadamia nuts and so i had a bag of them that's pretty much all i had that day because i was trying to five two or whatever and uh woke up in the middle of the night,

like, shaking, cold sweats, massive headache, such headache, such stomach pain, and then I was very ill in all directions. Not even just both directions. Somehow I managed to pull out a third direction. It was unbelievable. And the next day I woke up thinking, like, okay, this is bad, let's Google the symptoms.

And it turns out there are no human versions of this. The only thing I found on the internet is if, this is why you shouldn't give macadamia nuts to dogs. I've ended up getting the dog reflex to macadamia nuts. The only difference is they don't talk about headache, because I guess they don't know. A dog never really goes like, oh. But they, and also they pant rather than sweat because they

don't have sweating mats. But it turns out I had absolutely everything the same, like joint pain. I've got the dog reflex. A canine anaphylaxis to macadamia nuts. It's not even that I've got a nut allergy so I can be that guy and be like, oh, I can't have that because I've got nuts. That's extraordinary. I don't know how this happened i do enjoy a good walk yeah you know so i've got a lot in common with dogs but i didn't think it would be that you've got a lovely shiny coat thank you i need to buy a new one but it does mean look if i was on this island the only food was macadamia nuts yeah bad times bad times for me and the other three i don't want to see that i feel like there's slightly odd nut as well they've got a slightly

different texture from the rest it's a bit, I don't know if this makes sense, it's a bit like the texture of walking on snow, you know? That sort of like weird squelchy sort of crunch. There's something that's not quite, it's not like a hard bite to it. Yeah. I mean, it's a sort of, I can't quite describe it. It just reminds me of stepping on snow or like crunching cotton wool or something. There's something a little bit off about them.

But when you get really into the close hand, it's not the first bit of the cotton wool, it's really when you get... Yes, that look. It's like, it's not as solid as a nut should be. It's way harder than a sandwich. It's in that uncanny valley of foodstuffs. Yeah.

It's definitely a solid, but it's acting a bit like a fluid. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, they're a very suspicious nut. I mean, I do actually like the taste of them. So that's the thing. It's torture for me, just living in a world where there is a nut that I actually quite like, but I realise I will be like a dog.

Just stay away. Yeah. I've been trying to snack healthily, and I eat a lot of nuts. But you can't eat the fun nuts, because they've got salt in them, or like sugar and stuff. So you're just eating plain nuts, and there's a reason you don't see people eating plain bags of nuts because it's sort of one step up from just bread on its own with nothing on.

In fact, if you've got a bowl of mixed nuts, I reckon it's one step above wood. Yes, exactly. And your head starts getting tired. Your temples are sort of sore afterwards because of all this chewing. So, yeah, not a satisfying thing to have to live off. And also, macadamia nuts are quite likely to be found on a plane as well. Yeah, which actually means I need to only fly with people with real nut allergies because then they ban it on the whole plane, which I'm all for.

I know other comedians have done stuff about, you know, why should we not get to have nuts just because they've got an allergy. In the old days, you didn't have a nut allergy, you'd eat a nut, you'd die. Do you know what? I think we could live without these nuts. I think, you know, if there's someone on your flight with a nut allergy, they wheel out the better stuff. That's when you're getting your Japanese rice crackers

and the high-grade stuff. So I, you know, I've thought of making it up myself. You know, sorry, can't have any nuts. I need really nice snacks that are more interesting. What do you have to do to fake a nut allergy? Is there a bracelet? Yeah, I don't know. Do you just walk up and, do you need a certificate?

I feel like you should. I'm not sure how you get one, but. Yeah. Well, maybe you could just say in my country, it's symbolized by this watch that I'm wearing. This is a sort of nut allergy watch. So that's my proof. Yeah.

Get me some snacks. Pulsar means can't eat nuts. Yeah.'s my proof. Yeah. Get me some snacks. Pulsar means can't eat nuts. Yeah. In my language. Exactly. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements.

Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. And what drink is it? What's the worst drink? It's wine. Lovely, delicious wine in all its varieties. Yeah, pretty much because I'm indifferent to it. Okay. I don't know, it's wine. You know, I'd rather...

It's all right. And that is my biggest problem, because this whole culture of wine is built up around it. These days, there are two categories of wine culture. There's social media. It's wine o'clock. That's fine. Fair enough.

You do whatever you want. If you're going to drink, you don't need to tell the world you're having a drink. But it's the other side that bothers me, this pretentiousness, this people pretending that they can recognize the difference between wines. And scientists have proved it again and again. There was one where by messing with the temperature and doing blind taste tests, they managed to get people to not know the difference between white, rosé, and red. Wow.

So if you can't tell that, don't pretend that you can get the whiff of vanilla, petrichor and the afternotes of ennui. Stop it. And so I hate it when people say, which wine do you want? I don't know. I'll get that one.

I don't care. It's one of those things I think you'd never be satisfied because the more you know, the more you realise there is to know. And every time I think I'm just about getting a handle on it, you know, I'll drink some wine and I'll go, this is what I like. Right, what's this?

What have I got to get again to get this same wine? And then I go, okay, it's got notes of blah, blah, blah. It's this grape, it's this country. Get another bottle similar to it, completely different. Or I've even taken pictures of wine going, that was a really nice one we had at Christmas. I'm going to take a picture of that, go to the same shop. And I was like, this is completely different. Or I've even taken pictures of wine going, that was a really nice one we had at Christmas. I'm going to take a picture of that, go to the same shop,

and I was like, this is completely different. I looked at the photo and it was one year later. And it's just a different thing. And just, you know, every other drinks manufacturer, you know, has managed to get the same product every time. But I think it's like a con, isn't it? They've gone, ah, but it's not supposed to be the same.

Everyone else is just striving for uniformity, every time this cheese will be the same. Yeah. But with wine, whatever, mate. No one ever gets a Dr Pepper. And that's another thing that bothers me, actually. That thing. Like, polite society tends to be all about, you know,

using the right cutlery. Because I grew up very working class. It was terrifying. So I managed to very working class. It was terrifying. So I managed to get to university. I was just lucky because I did sciences and people were just giving places away for sciences. And then all of a sudden I'm in this world of people who know which forks to use and which knife,

and I'm terrified. And then wine comes in and makes it even worse. But all the rules tend to be about being polite and more reserved, apart from the wine one, where all of a sudden you're allowed to play with your food. Why is it I can't blow air through my straw in a milkshake without getting told off? I'm aerating it.

That's what I'm doing. Aerating it. Get some oxygen in there. Whereas wine drinkers, flubbing all over the place. Yeah, just really swilling it around. There's another one I don't like as well. The pressure of, so if ever I try and fake it and go like,

oh, I just did that one. I like your real love that one. And they bring and they make it taste a little bit. Oh, don't make me jump through the hoop. This is why I don't order soup in restaurants, in case they do the same with that. Don't bring me a liquid and expect me to know what's going on with it. Yeah.

I don't want the pressure. Just bring it. And if it's terrible, we'll send it back and it's your fault. I've had it the other way as well, where sometimes if you're splashing out, it's like my wife's birthday, and we went to somewhere really nice, and they actually have a sommelier. And it's your fault. I've had it the other way as well where sometimes if you're splashing out, it's like my wife's birthday and we went somewhere really nice and they actually have a sommelier

and it's happened like twice and you've seen it on telly where they bring it over and they give you a whole backstory. And I've gone to this place and they've come over and they've just poured it and I was like,

tell me about the story. I want to know, I want to hear about Pedro who planted the vineyards and I didn't even get that. Make up the backstory like an X Factor VT. Tell me the tragedy behind it. I wasn't like other grapes at

school. Exactly. So all that pretension. I'm getting the vibe that we're not going to agree on this because it seems like you're trying to be more of a wine pretentious person. I sort of ebb and flow with it. You know, I'd like...

Basically, what I want to be able to do is get to the point where I can order a wine that I like consistently. Have you tried lager? I do, yeah. I mean, I like... The trouble is, I like most of the booze drinks. That's my trouble.

But I just feel that I'm increasingly getting shortchanged. The more I think I know, I'm like, right, Grenache, that's the one I like. I'm getting that next time, and then it's not nice. And I only seem to be able to enjoy it when someone else has bought it. And every time I'm kind of, you know, I'm going to spend a tenner this time. I'm going to splash up, not £7, £10, and I get it home, and I just feel gypped, you know.

That's why I want the consistency. I want to know that that bottle will always be the same for me. I'm just throwing out a theory here, that if you enjoy wine more when other people are paying for it, is it that you're tight? That would make a lot of sense, yeah, because I definitely am thirsty around other people. Okay, so there's your food and drink.

Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? The film was so easy. This is the first one that didn't trigger my

try and be less hateful in the world, Steve. Straight away, parting shots. Parting shots. Okay, so for the people who aren't aware of this film. Which should be loads. Please don't watch it. This is not one of those where you think, oh, I'm going to find out.

So it's directed by Michael Winner. And what annoys me the most, I remember going to see this years and years ago, it's an old film now, but it should be a film I like. The premise is, your main protagonist finds out he's got got three months to live, so he goes and kills everyone who's upset him.

And let's be honest, that's right up my street. We've all got the Google document that lists everyone, and you add to it, and then that's where I explain to people. It's like the film companion for this podcast. So that should be great. And then there's a few things that go wrong with it. I mean, the actual story itself doesn't go down the fun that should be had with that funny premise. But the biggest problem is the casting.

The main guy's Chris Rea. Chris Rea driving home for Christmas, Chris Rea. Yeah. The Rodale. That guy. That's insane. I don't, I still can't fathom it. Now, around that time time I guess we had

Phil Collins in Buster so maybe it was like Yeah this is winner's version of that Yeah but the difference is and I don't really remember Buster that well

but I think he could probably act in it I don't remember it but no one said he couldn't act in it but I'm saying Chris Rea can't act I looked it up

on Wikipedia for a little refresh and it described him as singer actor Chris Rea Nope Nope Singer and actually you know a borderline singer Rude Wikipedia for a little refresh, and it described him as singer-actor Chris Rea. Nope. No. Nope.

Singer. And actually, you know, a borderline singer. Rude. Yeah. Sort of deep talker. Yeah. Really. It's not even a lot of range, is it?

No. So why would you pick him? It's unbelievable. He must have just got drunk with Michael Winner one night or something, had too much claret and just gone, I've got a role for you. Say, all right i've been give a give that a go why not because i saw the trailer in preparation for that i haven't seen the film

but the trailer i know this happens sometimes with older films you know there's been advances in lighting and sound since michael winner's era but it's like there's shadows everywhere which i never noticed lighting but it's like it's just one really bright light on them. Everything's quite echoey. And even from a trailer, you can tell how bad the performance is. John Cleese is in it. Yes. Let's not besmirch him for this terrible work.

No, I mean, I've nothing against John Cleese. And he's sort of, I don't know, does he ever really act a role? He's generally sort of a silly John Cleese in all of it. He's kind of Basil Fawlty and everything. Yeah, but this is just unbelievable, the snippets I saw. And then Chris Rea's character needs to buy a gun, so he approaches Joanna Lumley. She's the arms dealer in this.

This is before she knew all the Gurkhas, right? This is before she was tooled up. I can get you a knife. There were two scenes that I still vividly remember that were that bad. One is, so he decides to go on the killing spree, and he says to someone, I want to kill you. And then there's another bit later on, I don't want to ruin it for you, but he has a love interest, and he says, I love you.

And the level of acting and the emotion is the same in both. And how can you not at least have a bit of range between those two emotions? Unless I'm missing it. Unless the point is that this guy can't act. I mean, unless that's the twist. It just... I think I'm going to have to go and watch it now. And I urge people listening to at least watch the trailer.

Because it asks so many questions. You know, you come away more confused after just a minute and a half trailer than you'd expect. And you kind of think, yeah, Chris Rea, for him to be cast in this when there were so many other actors available, or so many actors available. Exactly.

But from looking at the trailer, it's absolutely not the case. I can't remember some of the reviews, or rather who did some of the reviews, but some of them said it had set back British filmmaking by a couple of decades. Some said it was the worst thing that's ever been made and i realized that legally it's not the worst thing that michael win has ever done but it is worth saying it is a waste of i love bad films i will watch terrible films to be like oh that's kind of funny because how bad it is this is it's not so bad it's good it's not so good it's good it's's just bad. It's a waste of my life. And this is what you'll be stuck with on a desert island with the flat earther. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. I really can create a dystopia, can't I? As soon as I sit down, this would be hell. I think you've done really well on this. There's some very fine choices. And what's your least favourite song to be on the island with? Shania Twain's That Don't Impress Me Much.

Sorry, That Don't Impress Me Much. Yeah. Oh, man. If you can't get the right number of syllables to make a song scan, don't just do a uh in there for no good reason. Yeah, and it's a weird one, isn't it? That sort of pop country thing, which I imagine makes you a billionaire

in America. I mean, I bet that's just an absolute recipe for success, but over here it doesn't quite... It's the sort of thing you'd go to, like to your auntie's 60th in a village hall somewhere, and they put that on, and the aunties have learned a line dance to it. Do you know what I mean? You get that sort of feeling.

They're like, oh, here's one, here's one, look at this. Ooh, look at me. Hey, let's not forget that Taylor Swift was country back in the day, wasn't she? That is true, yeah. She flipped or converted or whatever the phrase would be. And Shania Twain effectively became less country and more poppy. And that almost was the problem,

because at least with American country music stayed very much in its own little community. And then next thing we know, all your commercial... Because I used to work in commercial radio, so I had to sit there playing this nonsense. Yeah. That don't impress me much. And so all of the lyrics bother me, all the way through it.

So bearing in mind, you know, I went to university, did the old sciences, and then I come out to this, not a fully-fledged human, but still learning, still trying my best to entertain, and Shania Twain pops out the old lyric, so you're a rocket scientist. What are you going to be like that for? What's wrong with rocket scientists?

I mean, maybe not impressed, but at least interested. I have some questions. I wouldn't dismiss them entirely. And maybe there's a little moment in this pre-Tinder date, whatever's going on in her life, where a rocket scientist might be thinking, you're a country music singer.

Exactly. Who's giving back the most? It's the dismissiveness that I hate in all areas of society and this song is just all of it there's a bit in there where she says that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night, you know if you want someone you probably understand the laws of thermodynamics

get yourself a rocket scientist they seem very unbalanced because one of them is so you're a rocket scientist that doesn't impress me but the other one's so you've got a car and you're like well lots of us have got cars. I mean, some would say too many of us. But, you know, you go, rocket scientist, I've got a car.

And isn't Brad Pitt mentioned in one of them? That's a really weird one, isn't it? I mean, look, so, yeah, you're right, some people, maybe there are too many cars. By the way, they would keep you warm in the middle of the night because they do have heaters. But out of nowhere, it just comes out that, they would keep you warm in the middle of the night because they do have heaters. But out of nowhere, it just comes out that,

yeah, so you're Brad Pitt. Wow, what happened to you, Shania? I mean, I guess that song was very popular in the Aniston household for a while. That must have been played on repeat just that little bit.

But even there, almost back together or something now. So the only hater out there is Shania Twain. I don't know why you've got to make the world worse. Why you've got to hate

like that, Shania? Who hurt you? And was it Brad Pitt who was studying rocket science, having a car, and whichever the other one was, that guy. Yeah, I think that would be really great. And it's one of those songs that's not sort of instantly annoying. I think you could hear it in the background and not go, oh, God, it's that song.

But it would grind you down. And it's quiet. It's go, oh, God, it's that song, but it would grind you down. And it's quite upbeat, isn't it? It's too upbeat when you're on the island with those guys that you've picked. And Bruno's dancing away to it. Oh, I love this one. He's straight up there. Joining in with the uh-uh-uh-oh bits. Songs without lyrics as well, just noises, they bother me.

He'll try and teach you all the dance to it. Oh, man. Yeah. So you're a dancer. But don't impress on me much. Great. Okay, well, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

This one was difficult, actually, because in general, I like animals far more than people because they never have any of the maliciousness. There is never a moment where an animal looks at you with a face that says you're a rocket scientist. Which apparently is the biggest slant. But I'm going to put cats in there.

I am a cat person. I used to have a cat. I love that cat. When I split up with the partner that we were together, we had that cat. Honestly, it's not even a joke that i miss that cat more because i love that cat we didn't break up with the cat you know just were forced to move away yeah and you know she kept the cat it was right because you know she could look after it more because i didn't really have anywhere to stay since i had to move out and i wanted what was best for the cat but it still hurts right there i miss that cat yeah but even I'm aware that cats, they are

so cold-hearted. They are... If they were bigger, we wouldn't find them cute, because they kill anything that moves. Yeah. And we sit there on the sofa going, oh, look, she's got a spider. And that spider must be like, why? I did nothing to you! They just kill. Absolutely.

I mean, I have a cat, and I completely agree with you. They're just cold-hearted killers. And the only reason we can keep them is because someone's bred them small enough to not be lethal. Yeah. Because even now, you know, he's a lovely cat, but if he occasionally, if I touch him in slightly the wrong place, he'll go for me. And if he was bigger, I would be dead by now. Never attacks my son or my wife, they're fine.

But me, he'll tear into me. Yeah. I mean, at least that's there is a level of emotional connection at least you know if he's physically attacking you at least he's it's less dismissive than the other thing that cats do and that's where because like if you've got a cat basically 56 of your time is spent internally screaming why won't you just love me and then there's that you've got that vibe going on, and you say to the cat, come on, you sit over here, sit next to me. And they look at you where they're clearly thinking,

I could sit next to you, or I could lick my own arse. And I'm going to lick my own arse. And then every so often they'll stop and look up and go, I prefer this to you. And then just when you think, okay, I've been emotionally abused by this cat, they've done this right in front of me, you don't have to do it in front of me,

you don't have to look at me when you're doing it. You've made your point. You are the superior emotional being. I'm desperate for your love and affection, and you're licking your bottom. And then they look up and then just walk off. Yeah. They don't even come and then make it better afterwards.

They just, they don't need us. No, no. It's that thing of dogs have owners, cats have staff. Yeah. Isn't it? It's just, yeah,'s just something about an animal that will sit there completely asleep for hours at a time, but as soon as they hear a moth fluttering in a lampshade,

they are up there and it must die and they will not rest until there is no trace of it. And anything that adheres to that kind of moral code is worrying. You know when they catch a mouse and they're just toying with it? Oh, yes. I hold your very life in the balance. You know, just batting it back and forward. It's just horrendous.

At least in films where bad guys say, like, tell me now and your death will be quick. At least there's a chance your death will be quick. Whereas for a cat, no. What's the point in killing quickly when I could slowly rip flesh off something? Why? Why are cats like that? It's like, because Tom and Jerry, the original cartoons,

they're quite violent, right, if you look at them as an adult. But imagine how bad they'd be if Tom won. You know, if Jerry wasn't, you know, the crafty little blighter he was getting out of those scrapes, there'd just be a bloodbath. Yeah, just bits of Jerry everywhere. Just the remains of it. So my other half's got a...

Her parents have got a cat. And same thing, all of a sudden he just walks in one day with, like, most of a mouse. But the mouse's eye was hanging out. And you're like, oh, I forgot you could even do that to a corpse. Oh, man. That's just... That's like...

Recently I'm watching all the Star Trek Picard stuff. And it's a very gruesome scene where they're pulling out an eye from one of the former Borg. That's no worse than what that cat did. No, absolutely. So my cat is not a great hunter, but when he does bring something in, he's just in it for the chase and he'll just let it go.

And I usually have to re-catch whatever it is. And I can't just put him outside with it to finish it off because he'll just bring it for the chase and he'll just let it go and I usually have to re-catch whatever it is and I can't just put him outside with it to finish it off because he'll just bring it in again. So I have to go outside with this Tupperware with a mouse in it, find somewhere where my cat won't track it down again and this whole rigmarole ensues. But one day when I was incredibly hungover, my son had been awake since about four in the morning,

I was just having a real time of it, I heard something and my cat had broughtne a half-dead blue tit. And I knew that he would never finish it off, but also this blue tit was never going to make it. And I'm suddenly there hungover with a screaming baby having to dispatch a blue... And you know, as an adult, you just go, where are the adults now?

Like, why is this me? Why have I got to... And it was his fault. And he doesn't even... Sorry. He didn't even notice. He'd gone on to, like you say, licking his arse by that point. Yeah.

What did you do? How did you do it? I had to go for a rolling pin in the end. Oh, man. I know. It was awful. To hit or roll? Would you...

I hit. Yeah, I hit. I tried to do... I might not be able to leave this in. It depends how screamy people are. I won't go through the full details, but yeah, I had to dispatch with a rolling pin. It seemed like the quickest way.

But at least what you did might be emotionally upsetting, but you did it from a place of kindness and mercy, whereas that cat would have been like, pass me that rolling pin, mate. Yeah. I'm not going to hit it on the head. I'm going to take off another wing. There, they are thoroughly evil.

I still love them. I still would love that cat back, that evil thing. Yeah, I'm absolutely with you. And imagine on a desert island, you're thinking, right, I'm stuck with these three dicks. At least, oh, I've got a little kitty cat, keep me company, and you'll just be following it round and round the island, trying to make it love you forever,

with Claude looking on sternly. Yeah. What he's doing wrong there is he's trying to get the attention from... Why won't you love me, you furry little thing? Well, I think you have absolutely aced this process, and you've created a horrible island for yourself, but, you know, I think you've nailed it. So thank you very much, Steve, for coming in.

And where can people hear or see more of you? I mean, gigging all over the place. I've looked on the internet and social media and whatnot. Oh, The Bash Report is back in April. So depending on when you're listening to this, there's the TV and it's on the iPlayer for a good long slice of time as well. And also on the, or not the BBC iPlayer anymore,

it's the BBC Sounds app. And also I do a podcast called Stephen Allen's Week. But basically, mainly I talk to myself about the news. Great, lovely. Well, thank you very much again for coming in. Thank you very much. Cheers.