Desert Island Dicks - STEVIE MARTIN AND GINA MARTIN

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Might Delete Later podcast's Stevie Martin and Gina Martin join Dan to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with, including some controversial food and drink choices. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hello, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and today we've got Stevie and Gina Martin. Stevie is a comedian and writer, and Gina is an activist who is known for getting upskirting made illegal in the UK, which I think we can all agree is pretty bloody brilliant. Together they do the Might Delete Later podcast, and they're both very funny and lovely to talk to,

as you'll no doubt find out after I finish blabbering on and you get to listen to the podcast and if you like this and want to listen to some more women being funny whilst telling us about things they hate then there are plenty to choose from like Poppy Hilstead, Callie Beaton, Jade Adams, Jo Caulfield and Maisie Adam to name but five. Don't forget to give us a rating and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and follow us on Twitter and Instagram at Dickspod. Right, on with the show. welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guests and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today are comedian, writer and host of the Nobody Panic podcast Stevie Martin and writer and activist Gina Martin, who both host the Might Delete Later podcast. How are you doing? Good, thank you. What a great intro. What a great intro. There's too many podcasts going on. That's my first thought. Everyone should just listen to this one and your two that you do.

And then no others. Correct. I saw a TV advert for a podcast the other day and was like, and it's dead. Wow. That's too many. Although it's really nice to see. I quite like it when they've obviously spent a lot of money on getting a big brand together with a big presenter. And then it just disappears into the ether. That's quite satisfying for an independent podcast like us i agree i agree anyway how are you both doing today

absolutely i'm excited about being able to say the word dicks on a podcast many times yeah you can say all the swears if you want as many as you want okay um ideal you know i like this to be a cathartic yet enjoyable process. So, you know, let's do it. And how did you find the process of choosing your dicks? Because I know it's quite difficult when there's a couple of you and I ask that you sort of whittle it down to a shared selection of dicks. Was it okay for you both?

Stevie was quite dick heavy in finding the dicks, weren't you, Stevie? I got quite passionate about the dicks and it sort of fired me up quite a lot because I think you think about I I always hate when I was younger get really stressed about those very simple questions that you'd think would come up more in life like what's your favorite color what's your favorite film what's your favorite song and I would be so panicked when someone asked me that because I don't know I still don't know but working out what your least favorite is is way easier because I think they live much more rent-free in your head yeah you sort of just know don't you and I I was trying to think of people that I really maybe not specifically like outright really don't like but that just irk me, which

I found far more interesting because there's lots of people, foods, things that I'm like, not for me and I can't tell you for why. So I think it's going to be quite interesting to like figure out why it is so much that I dislike these things. Also, you don't want to be mean as well. Like there was a couple of things I was like, I don't like this actress and she's just an idiot. I'm like, actually, she's really nice and I'm sure she's great and she does a lot of great things and how mean for me to be like

ugh she's really annoying in that film you're like what she's doing she's doing the Lord's work Keira Knightley you mean I do mean Keira Knightley

whenever she's really nice and I'm like you know what I think if you were my friend I'd just be like she's a bit of fun but then for some reason I can't watch her

in any film and so then that'd be awful to be on an island poor Keira what's she ever done to you no but thankfully I don't think she cares I think she's doing really well without my blessing good well more power to her uh but not more power to the rest of the people that we're going to discuss now so let's go straight into it who's going to be your first choice for the island do you want want to go first, Gina? Because you've got an actual person rather than a vague description. Yeah.

I find Gordon Ramsay to be the human embodiment of just stress. Yes. Like, people love his shows and Kitchen Nightmares and all this stuff. I find him too aggressive, too loud, too sure of his ideas. The only thing I liked he did was the idiot sandwich, but I think I feel quite sorry for the girl who did it, who was between the bread. And I just think if I was on an island with him,

he would feel like he knows exactly what he's doing the whole time. He would be so adamant and potentially he'd be too wrong and I would spend the entire time stressed because he's so manic so i could not deal with him i don't think you need that energy on an island that you're stranded on i think it's already quite chaotic enough you're obviously stressed everyone's stressed but he would bring also i think like the he would have like an edge in his voice like the whole time like I'll go and find some fish for us to eat. He'd be like, Gordon, just go and find some fish. That's fine.

Or like, where are we going to go to the toilet? Just dig a hole, Gordon. He's got a sort of... You know people talk about resting bitch face. He's got a sort of resting bitch voice. Even when he's happy about something, he still sounds a bit agitated. Like, that's delicious. Great. Yeah. Great balance of flavours. Yeah, he does sounds a bit agitated like that's delicious great yeah great balance of flavors yeah yes can you taste that like whoa whoa easy

gordon you said it's nice let's be happy now yeah so even if you saw like a boat in the distance that was going to rescue you'd be like there's a rescue boat gina there's a rescue boat it's gonna rescue us and you'd be like this is the one moment where we should be happy like it would just be genuinely yeah and i think i've probably shot myself in the foot a bit because obviously he's a chef so he'd be very useful but I'd rather eat like leaves and coconuts than have that energy around me like I just can't I just no absolutely not but I think even you know if he's on the island with you yes he is a chef but you've still got such a limited palate. He'll be able to get the fish off the bone very neatly and fillet everything,

so maybe you're eating less cartilage than you would otherwise. But pretty much he's going to be making coconuts and fish, and you'd get there, I think. Everyone would get there. He's not going to elevate it that much, except for maybe present it slightly better, or get annoyed when it's your turn to do it or that you haven't scaled it properly or something that's true properly exactly i wouldn't be able to do anything right on the island and that would make me upset because who knows what to do on an island how could i be wrong i think he's got a sort of um a double whammy of being obviously you know he's very competitive and driven and sort of mean to people in the kitchen but then he's also been a celebrity for long enough that he'll also be a bit

useless at doing other things so he'll be kind of very pampered but also like have a very sort of low threshold for bullshit so it's it's quite a bit of a nightmare yeah he'd be he'd be just annoyed at everything yeah you're right. Yeah, I think he would actually be more talk than walk. And I don't think that would be helpful either. He's doing a programme at the minute all about him sort of being a bit of an adventure man as well. He obviously sort of sees himself as this kind of like...

Before we started recording this, we were talking about Bear Grylls, who pops up a lot on this podcast. And I think he likes to think of himself as a bit of an action hero as well, doesn't he? It's like a bit of a midlife crisis now. He's like, I've got to get active. Yeah, I think probably there's nothing worse than being on an island with a man going through a midlife crisis. And maybe he'd like it a bit.

You know, maybe he'd like get off on it a bit and be like, I'm a man in my environment and I'm right. And I'd just be like, I can't. I just need to cry under this leaf for a bit because we've got stuck on an island. I don't think he'd let me feel. I think he'd just also always be... I can just imagine him always looking over your shoulder. If you're just absentmindedly digging in the sand with a stick

because there's nothing else to do, you'd be like, what's going on here? Yes, stick, yes, okay, right. Do you think that you think that sticks long enough yeah he's a backseat driver yeah yeah he'd bring no good uh games as well you know like oh should we play hide and seek he'd be like why yeah well we've got nothing i just want to have some fun be like no he'd be too busy kind of doing you've got so much time to fill if you're an island like long conversations at night like over the fire because sounds like quite a nice island actually to be fair um i just don't know how deep i could get with gordon ramsay like could i could i put the world to rights with him you might surprise yourself well maybe but i just don't want

to have to force it like i i think i'd have to get past, like, how to chop julienne before I could get to, like, a conversation I wanted, you know? I just, no. It's funny, isn't it? Because you think, like, in some ways, being a sort of, like, very elite-level chef, it's a kind of artistry, isn't it? And you think you associate with that,

as well as the sort of passion and vigour, you kind of think there would be a softer side or an eye for detail or sort of, like, a sort of elegance to it or something. But he's just so hard edged every bit of him. It's like you kind of think, oh, with other chefs, you could maybe like talk about interesting things, but he's just sort of blunt and hard. Yeah, I imagine he doesn't have a lot of new. Well, I don't know, but I imagine he doesn't have a lot of nuance in his opinion. So he would tell you, no, that's actually wrong. This is right. right you know like even even things like what's your favorite band no they're terrible you'd be like okay there's no discussion here I don't think

he'd be up for like long debates and Gina I know that you for what are very much into those sort of debates um so that would be hard I think also I'd have to mediate a lot between the two of you oh no I don't want to put you through that and that's the thing is I think he would bring out the worst side of me I think it's not just about Gordon it's also about me and the fact that if I was around Gordon Ramsay on an island for a long time with no one else um you know to talk to I mean Stevie would be there but she'd be mediating and she'd probably be removing herself from the conversation quite a lot. So I feel like he would bring out the stubbornness,

the anger in me as well. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A dick all round then. A fine choice for your first guest on the island with you. Who's going to be joining the three of you? So this is less a specific individual it's more um sort of a description a vague description of something that some happens to some people and it annoys

us both um i don't know if you've ever been talking to somebody i mean you definitely have talking to somebody or you meet somebody or even worse when someone's like on tv being interviewed or something you're like oh my god and they've got um they quite patently need to cough or swallow but they don't and so they're they have that terrible sort of like slightly you're like okay you're gonna have to click clear throat now i can't listen to you or you need to swallow that spit in your mouth because it's starting to get quite... I'm doing it now because I'm imagining it. It's really catching in my throat.

And that's one of the reasons because the whole time you're on the island then, not only could you not stand their voice, you're also constantly going to be swallowing yourself. And, you know, it's presumably, I mean, not even presumably it is a desert island so if a dry arid landscape you're going to be quite thirsty so you you it would just make it would just bring so many kind of irritations that i think i would eventually have to kill them

yeah oh that went dark well yeah no but i think i would or i would sort of end up having to to sort of be like just cough cough, can you just swallow? And you can't tell someone to do that every single time because if they're not doing it themselves, then they are lost. I think that would be, in a high-pressure environment where survival is key, I feel like someone who won't cough

would be the thing that would push me over the edge. Yeah, definitely. It doesn't matter who you're with like he's the one who's gonna get killed first even though he'd be a really nice person gordon ramsay's an arse but like non non coughing man is going down first because it would just be that little niggly thing won't it yeah it's like the water droplet that won't stop it's like if you don't cough I would lose it and you can have as well the most incredible he could be or she could be the kindest most interesting funny person

you're not hearing anything that they're saying you're also not taking any of their advice seriously because you can't listen to them it's making me feel weird just thinking about it I hate it so much yeah me too shall we all just have one cough? yeah okay okay great that was good um there is a name for it isn't there I can't remember for people who

are sort of overly uh sensitive to kind of people's mouth noises and chewing and things like that I don't know if you have that as well yes well I see this there's like almost you know how on twitter there there'll be waves of like there was the the week where everyone was like do you wash your legs in the shower and everyone had a thought about it remember and then there was the wave of like someone's eating very close to me and i can't stand it and i remember reading all those tweets and sort of being like it's never actually bothered me when someone eats near me it doesn't most gina really actually i might be one of gina's desert island dicks because i eat incredibly fast and like um i'm feral and uh and i like to sort of clean up afterwards so i'll just have like loads of stuff everywhere

and uh gina can't deal with food bits like bits of food in the drain people who have food on their hands I need like table manners I need them and I also if food's not freshly prepared if it's bits of stuff oh my god you're going to be a nightmare on the island anyway it's alright there's no plug holes on the island

but bits of food there's going to be bits of food look I used to live on a boat and I lived on islands on a boat and i lived on i lived on islands for a year and this is true life and that was fine because look you have the food you throw it in the sea little fishes come it's joy it's it's the it's the kind of the massicated bits that are in like a on a clean surface yeah that's the problem i was once uh getting my lunch uh on my lunch break from work

and I was in the sandwich store and this sort of very kind of big sort of red-faced, pompous-looking man in the three-piece pinstripe suit came in and he ordered a jacket potato with lots of cheese and lots of beans. And there were his words, lots of both. And then he said, as he was leaving, he said, can you give me lots of serviettes, please, because it's a bit messy to eat on the train.

And I thought, oh, and I saw him going. And he went on to the underground. So I think he was eating that on the underground. And I just couldn't. No way. This was about nine years ago, and I still can't stop thinking about it. A decade. Even though I don't feel oppressed or annoyed,

that's the better word, by people eating close to me, I do find it really odd when people eat stuff like that on the tube or on trains that are very, very cramped and stuff. It does just feel like, oh, just wait a little bit. We went on a train ride and you pulled out a whole roast in the Tupperware and roast potatoes with your hands. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, but what I was going to add to that is sometimes I do know that needs masks. And that was also a train home and that was like a three-hour train up north. So that's slightly different. And it was a Christmas train home and I'd made the roast in especially yeah yeah it was very sweet it was look it's not a wet flying around beans is it i think you know dry compact food go for it yeah yeah thanks fair enough okay so um but getting back to the um non-throat clearing person yes yeah i think um for somebody to me i can't imagine

a woman doing it i don't know why i i see this as a more male thing i don't know in my head it's a man as well but i don't know why there's more of a there's more of a there feels like there's more of a kind of um what's the word like a uh allowance i was gonna say total lack of self-awareness of other people's feelings but sure that's what i was gonna say but i was also gonna say kind of allowance for guys to have like bodily functions and so i think like women are a lot more like they're quite you know they're quite uh there's a bit of shame around like oh don't burp or don't cough or whatever and you try and be i guess the cough or whatever. And you try and be, I guess, the lady-like bullshit thing. So you try and keep that stuff in. Whereas, you know, you go on a train and there's a guy like screaming on the phone and then burping.

So I think it maybe feels like more of a male thing because of that. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I agree with everything you said. I think, you know, the one good thing about the pandemic is, you know, less of this kind of behaviour. So, you know, silver linings. Less jack is you know less of this kind of behavior so you know silver linings but um on the tube yeah exactly yeah i think though is i've seen um programs with uh you know people like what's his name is it ranulph finds the explorer and people like that who've sort of gone to the south pole and things and they say that no matter what relationship you have with the other person

that you're doing it with you will hate them like everything they do you'll be in your head trudging behind them for nine hours through a blizzard and there'll be something like the look of their coat you're just like i am going to kill you later i'm going to wait till you get into your tent and i am going to kill you dead in the night in the cold and this is i think this is very much the same situation a survival situation it's just going to be the little and this is i think this is very much the same situation a survival situation it's just going to be the little and it'll probably be it probably won't even be their fault it'll probably be gordon ramsay will just be winding you up and winding you up and then you'll just hear the other guy going hey guys calm down but he'll be doing it with and even

though he's tried to help he'll just go oh god and then you know he gets hit over the head spear right in the throat oh how fitting thank you you could have some sort of james bond aside as you sort of walk away like let me clear your throat or something yeah that was great for you yes no spears yeah that'd be great Britney Spears I'm really bad at James Bond quotes it's okay we can come back to it another time or listeners can help I don't know either way we can move on I think it's a really good choice though

who's gonna join well we'll be what five of no who's gonna join you on the island I'm no good at maths well I suppose we can sort of both pitch in with this but I'll just sort of set the scene. One of my worst traits is when I'm in a social situation and somebody has done something of note,

or maybe that could be like a podcast, or it could be a book, or it could be they've done a comedy show. I will tell them I've seen it and that I've listened to it and I because I want them to feel like oh someone's like it's so nice when you you know you meet someone and they go like oh yeah I just do this little thing and you're like I know that it's such a lovely feeling yeah I want to give that feeling but um it puts me in the position where then of course they, they find out that I haven't.

And it's incredibly embarrassing. So a person that I would absolutely not want to be on the island with is someone who's like moderately famous. I went for John Barrowman, which is a... Because I know who he is, but I don't know what he does at all. Like I've not seen one thing he's done so if i was on an island with him i couldn't even say oh i i saw um because i don't know the name of anything so i would have to pretend i'd seen i was aware of his oeuvre yeah um while making it appear that i i um without too many specifics also without saying one thing that he's actually done

and spend the whole time trying not to offend him. Also, you can't get away. So you've got like how many months of like pretending? Yeah. Yeah, basically the whole rest of your life, pretty much. Oh no. And I think you'd probably end up saying something like, oh, I really hate this kind of thing.

And they go, oh, well, when I was in that thing. And you're like, oh, God, you were in that musical. I didn't, oh, fuck. Because you're just one of those sort of everyman people. I did it to Martin Freeman because I, although what was so upsetting about it was that I have seen it. Oh, that's even worse. Oh, what's it called? Okay'm so sorry i'm just gonna google it

because she's forgotten now no i've forgotten the name of the um the film sorry i'm going to google it because i have just googled martin freeman films i have to know right no it's not that one it's not that one oh yeah okay so i'd gone to see a long time ago ages ago the play of ghost stories when it was on the West End thought it was great terrified me had a great time he's got nothing to do with that

but he's friends with Andy Nyman who made it and was in it then the film Ghost Stories comes out and Martin Freeman is the lead in the film me and Gina tried to watch it

on Halloween and we couldn't get through the opening credits because there was a bit where the music jumped and we screamed and then we couldn't watch it. We turned it off before the credits finished. Turned it off before we'd seen a single human being in this film.

But I very much knew he was in it. Anyway, I did Breeders, which is a show, I can't remember what channels are on, but it's Martin Freeman. And I did a scene with him. And so I spent the day with him. Lovely man, lovely man. I asked him if he'd seen the film Ghost Stories.

No. Yeah. And he's like, have I seen Ghost Stories? And then I suddenly realised, I was like, oh, the plane. He was like, you meant the film, didn't you? And I was like, yeah, I did. And then I told, and then it was fine because it was a moment where he was like, he laughed.

And then I said, to be fair to me, can't watch horror and i watched that one and he was so it wasn't even like lovely about it he found it was absolutely fine but for like a second i was like i'm going to kill myself that's the end so yeah your entire island say would just be that let's just be that martin freeman on the island with me saying have you seen ghost stories every morning and him going i'm in it over and over again until i die but someone like that's quite difficult because they've been in lots of sort of like normal well not like lots of sort of low scale things that you know like smaller british comedies and then you know and just popped up a lot and then suddenly is massive so the scope of what if it's tom cruise you're like you probably haven't seen you know you haven't been to the

theater to see ghost stories with martin freeman he's been in so many things in such a wide scope of things he's been in every film i'm just it's constant i've just seen how he's an ali g in the house i did not know that that was a mistake yeah but I didn't know he was in it I think that's a really good one isn't it like someone that you don't know

I think because I do know John Barrowman so I feel like I'd have a fine chat yeah he was Joseph Technicolor Dreamcoat I feel like I'd have

a cool time also you were Joseph Technicolor Dreamcoat weren't you I was the moon I was the moon in the nativity no the nativity this school play of it

in like 1994 I don't think that's the same well I saw that obviously yes the Davidham County Primary School yeah absolutely I had a big silver collar on and I danced with the sun and then I left

ideal I didn't know you'd watched Joseph as in the film. I haven't watched it. I just know that he like did that. See, I don't know what that is really. But more someone like Patrick Wilson, who a tweet went viral about him last week, who is the biggest character actor.

You know his face. Everyone will know his face. But if I met Patrick Wilson, I'd be like, I know your face everyone will know his face but if i met patrick wilson i'd be like i know your face so hard but i could not tell you one thing you've been in see i'd be okay with him because he's insidious and i watched that in the cinema uh when i used to review films for like this newspaper in london called city am and i watched it in the cinema and i was so terrified the whole time that i watched it cross-eyed and peter bradshaw from the guardian Peter Bradshaw from The Guardian, I jumped towards the end.

I jumped, but I was still cross-eyed. And Peter Bradshaw from The Guardian just sort of turned around and I was still cross-eyed. And he thought I was absolutely insane. But I remember that is Patrick Wilson, yeah. So I'd be all right. Maybe we'd be okay because we would... Help each other out yeah should we say maybe um in this sort of purgatory landscape of the desert island maybe there's a sort of a revolving cast of people that you recognize and you can't quite put your finger on who they are so that even when you as

soon as you've got a hold of it it it transfers to someone else and then it's like x on the beach but it's like people you don't know yeah yeah and you're always trying to place them and sometimes you think maybe they're not famous maybe i just went to school with them or i don't know you know that sort of weird thing yeah so it could be someone that was in like year three with you or it could be john barrowman so like you never know so at some point you could sort of be like so what have you been and then they're like no I sat next to you in English and you're like oh my god oh my god like

just a cast of like supporting characters from either movies or your lives and sometimes it might just be a voice actor or something sometimes you just hear someone in the bushes and you're like is that were they in Toy Story what the something like that yeah the dinosaur from

toy story would probably stump me like those sort of children's films were like oh yeah i just that would be i have to google them all the time because i watch them with my son and it bothers me so much that i'm like i just need to find ryan reynolds it was ryan reynolds god that's how i do that too yeah you need to find who it is because you know god that's who it was I do that too yeah you need to find who it is because you know it but you can't put your finger on it

some people are very good at identifying voices aren't they like people will sort of go oh that's so and so and I sort of confidently say like I was watching

a documentary the other day and I was like oh it's voiced by that the main man in Chernobyl what a sort of left field thing turns out it was

Tom Hardy like oh right he's got a very distinctive voice actually really disturbed me yeah i think it's just it's just that uncomfortable thing isn't it and i do it all the time and i you know work in a radio station there's always people coming into the building and i'm like constantly just i used to work on reception when i started there and it

was always so bad i have to ask people what their name is. And if you're famous, you shouldn't necessarily go, well, you should know. You know, it shouldn't be that much of an affront for a receptionist to ask your name. And I've also got a really bad memory. So I'd often have to ask it twice because I wouldn't write it down quick enough. And I'd just forget. So I absolutely feel your pain. And then everyone's going, that's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I still don't know who it is because I'm terrible with names as well. And's just like yeah half the time i just go call someone go your guest is here and i go who is it which one i go okay thanks bye he's coming right there and i'll just just like justin timberlake yeah i don't know you know and yeah some quite big names i think i offended over the years so yeah so it's not your fault well you know who cares they're all right they've they're busy they'll be interviewing they'll forget what's happened I'm the least important person they're going to meet that day I think so it's probably okay um but yeah I think it's good and that just that coupled with the sort of the tension of the throat clearing guy and Gordon I mean you're really sort of making me feel nervous I'm feeling quite anxious here already so you're doing a great job I think great good very good

you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to lipsonads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com. Okay now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Gina, do you want to take food? Because this is a real left field one.

I just don't like chips. Wow. Imagine that. I just find them... I find them boring. I find them mostly oil tasting. I feel like there's so many other things I could have and every time I go out someone goes you get some chips you get some chips and I go yeah let's get some chips because

I don't want to say I don't like chips because everyone's like you're a murderer so I just end up like picking at chips and I just don't like them all right and I'm just gonna live my truth may I ask um is do you feel differently towards say a French fry and like chip shop, soft, salty chips? You know, those like traditional. So I hate a chip shop. Sorry. So I hate a fry. But the more towards the wedge end of the scale, the more I'm like, I can get on board with that shit.

But the more towards like the, know rubbish deep fried fry i just and it's not a health thing it's not a oh they're early it's just like nah like what is it just like a sort of dusty potato tube you know i mean i can't deny that's what it is yeah yeah it is and stevie what's your vibe with chips well i would be annoyed every time you were annoyed at eating chips because i'd just be like it's chips can you just eat it but the the main props that that would be number one why i probably would even though i quite like chips number two i really I really don't like, how do I put it, nude slash bald chips. Like I can't, they have to have a sauce. And because it's one food, one food stuff,

I'm guessing there's not like an array of mustards, mayonnaise, aioli, ketchups, cheese, peas. Cheesy chips. Cheesy chips. I thought you said peas. I was like, could be, but that's not one of your known sources but yes yeah yeah definitely yeah I mean it's a pretty controversial choice I mean you know the last podcast we recorded with Jamali Maddox he put the beetles in and I thought that

was the most controversial choice but I mean to eat no not to yeah I mean he doesn't like eating beetles either I would imagine but imagine I mean in terms of something that everyone likes I think chips might be more sort of universal than the beetles yeah I don't know I mean I'm trying to get on my podcaster hat where I find the worst

in everything I mean I do quite like chips but without without a without a term salt vinegar dip that's true then I would spend

my whole time on the island being like these could be better yeah if I just had that one thing also do you not think how bored you'd get of them

yeah that's true they're just so like they're great for a little cheeky like ooh but they're very but they're not great for you

for a cheeky little ooh either you don't even like them so that would cause a lot of tension i think so just be like just shut up and eat your chips and then i'd shut up and eat my chips and i'd be sad that actually what it is is i don't like chips are fine but chips are very much the canvas to the to the source for me yes yes that does make sense and actually i think we've discussed on on previous podcasts how sometimes the worst thing is something that's very close to something great but it just falls slightly short so i think you're kind of you're

getting really in that avenue of things aren't you there yeah because because unsalted chips actually aren't very nice i don't think they're really dull yeah so yeah because then it's just greasy sticks of potato basically you could pop them in the sea Get some salt on them that way Oh my god that's such a great idea But then they're going to be wet That's a very good point That's also a very good point Daniel

Because I've been going through the same thought And I was like well you are next to the sea But I mean I suppose you could sort of Evaporate the water Scrape the salt off you could just yes you just flick some salt water on them and leave them in the sun that would work yeah because i was like what do you do like rub them on a wet rock or no that's a that's a better way of doing it i think yeah you don't i mean that's the saddest snack like what would you take to an

island just some chips and then a rock gordon ramsay pretending he invented it so you take the chip rub it on a screaming in the background and uh invented it. You take the chip, rub it on a rock. Screaming in the background. And he'd be telling you how he makes the best chips or how like, you know, well, most people do triple cooked chips. I do quadruple cooked. And, you know, yeah, it'd just be annoying.

Also, after eating them, the man that can't cough or swallow, like his mouth would be even drier. So that would contribute to that. Yeah. It's fine. It'd be awful. It's just like, I hate this place so much.

I hate this island. I think as well, you know when you're trying to sort of eat a lot of, you know sometimes you eat chips too quickly and they sort of get a bit stuck and you have to kind of wait for them. You sort of feel like an owl passing a pellet or something like that. You've just got to wait for this lump to go down your throat specific i don't know it's just what came to mind you know you know owls eating chips too quickly it happens all the time oh yeah i know well it's just where i live in southeast london anyway um so i think yeah if you didn't like them they're

a bad thing to force down because they're sort of they're thick and you know pasty so if you can't gobble them down in their prime when they're all just sort of like cold you know a bit wet from the sea treatment. A bit rocky from the rock. McDonald's french fries when they are cold I think they are absolutely dreadful like they have to be hot. You always whenever we go out and i only know i didn't know about this uh chip thing that gina had until very recently and you know we've gone out a fair bit and i've now remembered that every time we go out and we get chips gina doesn't eat them and i eat hers i'm always really annoyed with why she hasn't eaten them because it's like well why now i have to eat them because

i have to eat everything that's there obviously So this actually, that would be the other thing. I'd end up eating all of your chips. And then you'd be like, I'm hungry all the time. Oh my God, can you imagine how much guilt that would fester in you? Like, I'm on an island and we have no food. And I can't eat it and you have to because you're like, what a waste. Exactly. And then Gordon Ramsay's like screaming in the background.

Someone's coughing. There's loads of like, Z-less actors showing up and being like I don't know who you are, it's just like very stressful It is good I love the interplay between the characters in this saga is just chef's kiss it's wonderful, and what would you try and wash

down these crap chips with? Oh this is actually getting quite bad now Isn't it though? Yeah I'm actually really upset, but also this is another universal quite bad now. Isn't it? Isn't it though? Yeah, I'm actually really upset. But also this is another universal one. So when I was at university and discovering alcohol, the first sort of alcohol I would drink was, I don't know why I'm saying that,

was vodka and coke or spirits and mixes. Classic because they're very, very cheap. And I like wine um and then i was like this just feels like beer should be that's i should drink beer because that's like what everybody drinks is cheaper than a glass of wine it's also you can drink more of it without having to get drunk like you can have a couple of pints whereas having a couple of glasses of wine is like okay and now you're having to call me an uber every time whereas um so i tried to like beer i absolutely cannot stand beer i've tried it hate it i've tried it so much and also i

just feel like in my heart i'm i'm a pint gal oh my god right just like oh it's like an ipa just just give me a pint of that or like oh just just just give me a pint of lager what type of lager i'm not fussy any like that's me yes actually in reality i'm like can i have one that doesn't taste of alcohol like a nice rose please like i don't want to be that but that is what i am i want to be the cool girl like i want to be like standing on london fields with like a pint of beer a load of rings on like oh just gesturing and talking about my latest design work like it's just such a vibe but it's a can of red stripe a can of red stripe oh my god it's so cool it's like watered down sweat it looks so cool

but it tastes like shit yeah and i and i want i i every time i've tried lots of different ones as well because whenever I say this someone in the vicinity goes you should have a Corona and I'm like shut up I've had that

what about like a Desperado you put like a lime in it or whatever it just tastes like sweat with lime in it and also the lighter they are

the more it's like oh well just get like just give me this actually the only thing worse than tasting like sweat is tasting like you've watered down the sweat. Like, if anything, just go hard with the sweat

and then at least you've made a decision. And Guinness was the biggest disappointment of my adult life because I obviously thought it was going to be creamy. I used to work in bars and stuff, and so I'd, like, you know, you do it, you have to pull the thing twice and all nice and creamy and black with a lovely creamy hand. I thought it was going to be so creamy.

Oh, it tastes like drainage fluid. Anyway, so that would be... Also, it's very dehydrating on the island, so we'd probably die quite soon because there's no water. It makes your wee racehorse. Yes, and bloat. Oh, my God, the bloating. And it's all warm as well. I don't think we need to yes it would go

boiling hot boiling wet sweat beer that the boiling hot thing i want to say oh yeah even worse but i a cold beer tastes awful to me so if anything warm beer would we go down quicker because i can just like get it down um yeah very passionate about this i think it's pent up from years of um of not being able to get involved in rounds and being like does anyone else want a wine and then being like i'll just get my own then feeling like a sad woman i think you just want to you just want to you want to like it so i think spending all that time on an island where you've got so much to think about and you're so stressed about so many things and then you're like oh and i also need i really now i have to drink this beer and i want to look cool while i drink it but it actually tastes like shit it's just not you just don't need the stress

on top of everything else i don't think with the whole bit yeah and look like we're going to be sweating enough so i don't want to be drinking it yeah i think these are fair arguments i mean i'm i'm a beer fan but uh you know i don't like lager but don't know the difference well i mean i suppose beer is the umbrella term. Lager is like the fizzy one. And now there are all the sort of pretentious IPAs and stuff, which I enjoy a lot. But I remember, you know, especially as a man,

it's kind of quite liberating when you finally go, I don't like lager. It's always like when you sort of admit to it, people go, do you see the match? You're like, don't, no, no, don't have any idea. I don't know if I have. I don't like football. I don't know what you mean. I don't know if i have i don't like football i don't know what you

mean i don't know if there was a match are you are you pulling my leg oh no it could be a trick anyway but yeah it's one of those things where especially in our country it's like you're it's one of those things you just you're not allowed to not like there's so much stigma you're like what what do you mean even this one what about this one yes they all yes and they like try and make it I remember an ex-boyfriend of mine was is very like that very like lager

I eat a lot of meat the things that men should do and I drank pretty much exclusively white wine in that period I sort of go through periods

currently really enjoying Argentinian Malbecs at the moment but we'll talk about that later but was very much into Sauvignon Blanc or to be honest house white which tended to be Sauvignon Blanc um i remember the first time he was like we went and

he was like maybe i'll have a white and he was like can i have a white wine and he's like yes of course you can and then he's then he specifically only drank sauvignon blanc for like two years and what was so nice about it was seeing how other guys like reacted to him being like sorry you you want you want a white wine? It's like, it's a white wine. It's not called like girly boob wine. It's all like lady eyelashes. It's a drink for people to drink.

It's so odd that there's that thing. It is weird how gendered drinks are, though. My ex, I was going to say husband. I've never got married. My ex-boss. Oh, okay. Wow. weird how gendered drinks are though like my ex my ex um i was gonna say husband i've never got married my ex boss oh okay wow my lord no my ex boss he um i used to work for him for two years and i went back for a couple of drinks and just catch back up right before the pandemic kicked off really to see everyone and i'd turn to the bar and they were drinking he's australian it's very um i'm a dude in australia in the bush very kind of you know we drink beer cold beer um and there was no accent and i asked for a he was like

i buy a drink and i was like can i have a white wine spritzer and he was like no way i'm fucking ordering that like absolutely not and i was like okay i'll have a big pint of red meat please like what i can't even order it. Yeah, just mash a shepherd's pie into a cup and then bring it to me. Set it on fire. Is that manly enough? Why don't you order it, but with your knob out?

Is that helpful? Exactly. So beer, no thank you. All around the table, beer, no thank you. But I was thinking the other day, wine and beer are like the surely like the two oldest drinks i know i mean i haven't done any research but they shouldn't be gendered because they're just they're the old drinks they've always been here but in the

old fashioned you know like when you see like game of thrones obviously that's not a real thing but like whenever they show old period drama not period dramas because that's another thing basically war old wars no come on we all know the old old stuff it's always like history cv history historical things yeah and there's like they're going into battle it's like wine it's red wine that's what everyone's drinking isn't it they're not like drinking beer they're drinking red wine and like out of those like nice little um all those lovely uh sort of like almost like vases then they pour and it clinks when they pour it into the glass and you're like oh that's that's a nice that's a nice sound um but it's not a woman thing then so what happened what happened um but yeah annoying

i was once uh working at a bar at a festival and afterwards they say, oh, you know, go and take your pick. You know, you have a free drink to take with you. And they had like a wine, you know, sometimes at a festival bar, there's like a separate wine section, like Jacob's Creek or whatever. And I was like, oh, fancy a nice glass of rosé because it's a really hot day. And I've got this miniature bottle of rosé and it was really wet and I couldn't open it. And there was this massive guy standing next to me and I was like, could you? Oh, it's OK.

And he's like, what's wrong? And I was like, I just realised I was about to ask if you could open my tiny bottle of rose and at that point it felt very gendered indeed and um yeah and it's funny because rose is weird delicious rose is just like juice lovely it's like grown-up ribena or something it's great and yeah squash and juice isn't gendered is it like non-alcoholic drinks aren't gendered, really, I suppose. But it's marketing, isn't it? It's all marketing. It's like the meat thing.

Like, all of that gendered meat stuff came from marketing meat towards men and, like, bodybuilding and... But then why market it? If you didn't put it towards one gender, then twice as many people buy it. Exactly! Yeah.

It's silly. But, yeah, I think you've made a great uh impassioned argument for beer and uh even though i like it i think it's also ridiculous so i think it's it's fair enough to um to put on the island with you and it's yeah just sort of crap warm beer and bad shit soggy chips i think is and also you know even like me I like both those things but knowing that they're just nowhere near to how good they could be you know it's uh disappointing okay well well chosen now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why uh do you know darren aronofsky's mother yeah the film

so mother which was obviously darren aronofsky's like tense thriller drama about a couple who live in this house and the house is sort of a living entity and he becomes kind of a or is it uh a mess well and he becomes sort of like a rev he's a revered poet and it all starts to go into absolute um disarray and it's the whole thing's a metaphor for religion and modern society we went to see it me stevie and stevie's boyfriend. And we, oh, I couldn't have wanted to be out of there quicker, I'm honest. I'd rather not pay £16 to watch a baby get killed and eaten. Yeah. So that film, I still have nightmares and it's literally four years later.

So I don't want that. I think as well it's a bad one to have on the island because my boyfriend liked it. I thought it was fine. I liked it. It was one of those sort of things where i was like yes i see what you're doing it's very clever but like i would prefer it to be a film it's just a big cinematic one sort of was yeah um but i liked parts of it and then gina absolutely hated it so we were like the full gamut and i think if you have a film like that on the island obviously

gina will will not watch it so that's sad and don't really... I'm not that arsed about watching it. That's, if anything, worse. But that means I will because I'm not arsed. And then I'll be like, oh, yeah, I forgot that it's really annoying. But it means that they'll just be... It's a film that sparks lots of debate. You can't just watch it and be sort of neutral. Also, the whole film just promotes the complete collapse of society.

So I think if we watch that, everyone's going to start eating each other and ripping shit yes or the very very worst it will start arguments between like us and gordon ramsey who will definitely be like no it's a good film or no it's a bad film and then we'll have to argue and then i think it just won't it doesn't promote um entertainment in any way unity yeah and i think you know there's some films that people choose and you know let's say something like a love actually or something which a lot of people hate at least you could watch it with a sort of critical eye and just take the piss out of it you know it would be annoying but you could find loads wrong with it to sort of have a laugh about or just find little bits uh martin freeman was in that by the way anyway and then um

and uh but yeah with something that's like horrible and tense and psychologically you just you don't want to watch it ever you you can never you can't even have an ironic watch of it can you no because it's not funny and also everyone's very good at it like it's good performances so you can't even be like haha they're terrible like they're just good but also the film isn't really it's about too many things so you'd end up having like really annoying discussions with everyone about like what it's about what it

means and then definitely someone will actually be like I think it's really about that and you'd be like no it's not you moron or like I think that it's so existential yeah and I just don't think we need to introduce that into the island particularly

the close second film was pitch perfect because I just didn't like it and everyone was like it's the best film that's ever been and I was like I can't

I think it's really lame and when they all start singing I think the sound of the singing is really lame and everyone's like it's the coolest and everyone just oh my god

all girls do the cup thing is that where it came from? I think so yeah and it's like, it's the coolest. And everyone just does, oh my God, all girls do the cup thing. Is that where it came from? I think so, yeah. And it's like a stupid song that's like, I'm on the road or whatever. And then she does the cup and then all girls are like, so my party trick is I can do the cup thing. It's like, oh my God, that's not enough.

That's not a skill. I learned it. I learned it. So, and you know I learned it. No, I didn't. I was thinking about my friend Tessa, co-host of Nobody Panic.

She learned it and I was like, okay, but I hadn't seen the film so I was like, okay, this is cool and then I watched the film and I was like.

I didn't know it was from the film and then I saw the film and I was like, oh, this film is just like a long episode of Glee which makes me want to die. Yeah. But also,

so happy for people to live and not live. If you enjoy the film, great. But no. Just not our vibe. Not and not live. If you enjoy the film, great. But no, just not our vibe. Well, do you know what? As there's two of you, I'm going to put both films on the island with you.

Oh, no! Because, you know what? I have tried it before where we've had multiple guests and everyone's got a choice each, but it went on for so long I've been stricter now. And I feel bad about that because I know that it's harder to... So when Anton Deck went on a similarly titled BBC program about choosing records on a desert island and they're only allowed to pick half and it's not fair so I mean as as recompense um have

have two really shit films that you hate that's a horrible thing to do I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And what would your song choice be? Merry Christmas, everyone. Fudum, pa, pa. Because it just ruined Christmas forever. Yes, so if you ever got off, so you'd be trapped in a thing of like, well, now I'm sad because, well, you don't really be able to listen to it

once a year on the island, but if it's the only song, you'd probably listen to it in June or something and be like, this feels weird. But even if you listen to it on Christmasmas day it would make you feel really sad because you're on an island for christmas alone with well not alone with terrible people and awful food and awful but then if you then you would know that if you were ever saved that that song would remind you of this time that you were marooned on this island and that song is everywhere every year

every christmas so you would you would basically have ptsd every year and spend christmas just a haunted shell of yourself i also think it's such a like it's such a like i love it he he he it's such a like oh stevie it's such a likeery song that, like, it would be almost eerie. Like, imagine being like, I'm going to die here. You've just watched Mother with Gordon Ramsay and someone you don't quite, you can't quite get a handle on who they are. And Gordon Ramsay loves Mother

and you've just, like, had a screaming argument with him about it and then that song comes on. Yeah. Terrible. Oh, forget about it. Let's put on some music and... No, no.'s not i think like especially because it's um i have nothing against this song but it's like it's a fairly neutral one i think in terms of the christmas canon like if it was fairy tale of new york it could sort of bring you together and it's

got a bit of edge to it you know i mean so maybe that would kind of be all right you know there's a bit of a rock and roll sort of vibe to it you know it's a bit gritty but that one about the soldiers coming home or something and you're like oh yeah they've been going through some stuff and as am i on this island perhaps but i think because you know with your choice it's sort of you know it's neither one or the other it's just sort of there you know and i think yeah just it would be very haunting it's a non it's like almost a non-christmas song which would drive me it's not anyone's favorite is it it's no one really cites that as their favorite christmas song or their worst but it will never like leave it will always be there every year yeah and it's got quite sort of twee synths in it, hasn't it? It's like... Yeah, it's a bit...

Yeah. Me and Stevie hate anything twee as well. Twee is our kind of like, just generally, is our like word we use to describe things we don't really like. Anything twee has got to have a bit of an edge, got something to do with it, and that song for me just doesn't. Yeah, yeah. I like the idea, though, sometimes it's just, you know,

people pick like a shit pop song, and that's obviously fair enough, but I always like the idea of though. Sometimes it's just, you know, people pick like a shit pop song and that's obviously fair enough. But I always like the idea of something like, you know, like a Christmas song or a game show theme or something just adds a little bit more madness to proceedings, doesn't it? It's just a little bit weirder, you know. And it's like anything out of context. You know, it's like if you go to the, you know, a seaside pier in the winter, it's just horrible. You know, anything, things like that are very contextually you know seasonally contextual do you know i mean they need to is that am i saying yeah seasonally contextual yeah that makes sense yeah they have to be and that's why they're joyful

and if they're taken out of that context they suddenly become almost like canny like creepy or weird or like unusual yeah it's like you know like nursery rhymes at night very scary you know very scary oh god in the day yeah fine yeah if you came into your flat a child laughing in a nursery lovely in your flat when you're asleep or when you don't have children like i don't have a child yeah that's exactly it's terrifying um and i mean it's scary for me and i have a child but that normally means i have to get up and check he's okay so that's the different sort of fear, isn't it? Different kind of thing.

Yeah, that's just my own failings. Good. Well, I think that's a good choice. Again, now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Well, I feel like this is not a good answer, but I just, I do, basically a tiger because you don't want the hassle of a um and b if it attacked you which it would you would have to kill it in self-defense that'd be terrible because there's only like 40 of them left yeah yeah so you'd you'd be contributing to the

extinction of a species but also very beautiful while also needing to kill it. Such a moral quandary that. Then you could make really great coats out of it. Oh no! Stevie Martin! If you're on the island and it's about to kill you and you kill it, you might as well. I did think though that once it's dead

there'll be a fight for the fur and I bet you Gordon Ramsay rocks up with it and he's kept the head on as a sort of a cowl oh yeah he would fight you for it that's such a gordon thing to do isn't it isn't it he would take the skin you'd have you'd still be there nursing your wounds and he's like well well i had to clean it up and get all the fat off and you know cure it and cure it and he'd be like doing it he'd be doing it like d i was gonna say she thing it that's not what you call it but he'd be like filleting and he'd definitely be like wanting everyone to like watch him and be like oh no sorry don't mind me i'm just i'm just removing the skin and he'd be like okay we'll just get on with it

but he'd want you to like see him do it yeah he'd be like i've just realized as well gordon ramsay would definitely be seeing this as a kind of prep for going on I'm a Celebrity you know oh yeah absolutely oh yeah so there'd be a lot of that

going on but also there's nothing worse I think well I really hate it when I go to people's this has happened like once or twice in my entire life you go into someone's

like parent house or something and they've got like a tiger rug that's got a hedge and stuff you're like that is obscene that you could have that how much money do you have to be to have an animal as a rug but also like there's none of them left walking around

how can you like proudly pop that however i would make a jacket out of it yeah but you're on an island you're gonna die it's different yeah that's the one time it's fair to just go i look fabulous i mean you know but maybe I could befriend it. Like, there's a possibility. No, probably not. But it'd be nice to sort of have a respectful kind of like, the tiger has one area and we have the other area. I'd love that, but they don't seem to be very into negotiations.

Well, I think that's what would be difficult about that choice because, you know, such beautiful, majestic creatures that if you saw one, you would want to get close. You'd want it to be tame and be your friend like rajah and aladdin yeah but it would you know it wouldn't happen so you'd have to you know the sight of this beautiful thing would be terrifying so it's quite confusing if it's just like a big horrible ugly monster thing or like just something that's just looks like a nasty, it would be much easier, you know, emotionally. Yeah, I actually don't think I'd be able to kill it. I think I would be like,

let's all live in the trees for the rest of time. And it'd be like, that's... Because we had a mouse in our flat, who just... We don't have mice, it just had run in from the balcony and got confused. And it got trapped. And it was there for about four days,

and we have a tortoise. So we were a bit like, oh, we don't want the two animals. I don't know, it was quite... We've got a very, very small, small flat. And the people, the pest people came around and they put poison down. And I got really sad about that. Like, I don't want it to be poison, poison. And it's like, well, it needs to leave.

Like, why can't it just leave? Anyway, we found out yesterday that it didn't eat the poison. It just left. So it's actually fine. So that was so nice. But I don't think that works with tigers i think you could have that same attitude i think we'd really struggle to kill it so we'd probably just be maimed i mean i think maybe gordon ramsay would i imagine he thinks he could kill a tiger

with his bare hands so maybe you could send him off and then whoever wins see what happens see what happens it doesn't mean that sacrifice one person each day. I mean, if the tiger wins, then you're going to have to wear a really weird jacket with Gordon Ramsay's head. That's the problem. You know, you just got to play the cards as they're dealt. I feel like I'd rather wear the tiger. I can't believe I'm saying this.

I think most people would rather wear the tiger. That's fair. Rather than Gordon Ramsay's cadaver. Yeah, I feel bad about Gordon. With his head as a hat i don't think so oh god it's got so dark it's like mother yeah you go up to gina wearing gordon ramsay but like pretending to be him going eat your chips gina and it'll just remind me of all those people's houses i've gone into and they've had like chefs as rugs. Like, I hate that. I hate that. Well, you've really picked a great big island full of dicks.

And, you know, that's what this podcast is all about. So you've done a really good job. And I think particularly the interplay between the subjects is marvellous. So well done. Well done. Thank you, Daniel. Well, thank you for coming on. And where people see and hear uh more of your works uh well we're on i think probably via social media so we've got our individual ones which is i'm at stevie mvs is a five and i'm at

june martin and then we have our individual podcast so we've got mine's um the one that i mean i do with my co-host tessa is at nobody panic pod but the main one is uh at my delete pod on twitter and at my delete later pod on instagram yeah and we just go through people's social media best worst and first posts yeah it's really fun lovely great well thank you again for coming on uh it's been an absolute pleasure absolute pleasure thanks daniel thank you again for coming on uh it's been an absolute pleasure absolute pleasure thanks dan thank you for having us