Desert Island Dicks - STUART GOLDSMITH

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

The comedian's comedian himself Stuart Goldsmith joins Harriet to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Today we're joined by comedian Stuart Goldsmith and I, Harriet Kemsley, am on tour so come see me around the country. You can get tickets from my website at www.harrietkemsley.com. The show is called Everything Always Works Out For Me because so far it hasn't. Please also make sure you follow us on Instagram at Dickspod and you can also follow me at harriet kemsley and you can get in touch with the podcast if you email desert island dix podcast at gmail.com that is it for now here's desert island dix with stewart goldsmith Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash

with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Stu Goldsmith. Hello Stu. Hello I've also never ever read an introduction off a script. I know I know isn't it funny. I'm used to a much more formal sorry informal kind of podcast style. We literally had this conversation earlier about weather but then we were like we want to stick with the exact kind of thing just to set it up every episode in case someone kind of comes in. Yeah what I normally do with my guests is. I I should probably know it off by heart by now, but I like the reassurance of it.

I think it is reassuring. What I normally do is like five minutes into one of my podcasts, my guest goes, have we started? Oh yeah, we started ages ago. Yeah, we've got those secrets. It's a joy to be here. Are you marooned with me on the desert island? No, I want nothing to do with your island.

Is the format that you drop me on the desert island and then leave? What's your involvement? There's just a you drop me on the desert island and then leave? What's your involvement? There's just a shot of me on a speedboat just waving as I disappear out of sight. That's very like the TV series Alone. Yes, which we got turned on to by Joe Wilkinson of Comedy Circuit and Chatterbix fame. What's Alone? So we've only seen one series. We went in at series seven.

It's called Alone USA, that one. And it's a million dollar challenge for a bunch of absolute survivalist nutcases as to whether they can survive for a hundred days in the wilderness yes with 10 objects i've heard of this are you um also into naked and afraid no i don't watch any reality and the only reality shows i see i've ever seen are alone um and and that one's brilliant there's no presenter there's no voiceover it's just their video diaries and occasionally some text will float up like, John has lost 30% of his body weight in the last five minutes. You know, really scary.

But the other one is hunted, which I do like hunted. But I have to kind of, you know, mentally ignore it. That's where like you go on the run supposedly from the police. Supposedly they're my worst nightmares for TV. I wouldn't want to watch any. The thought of being hunted is so stressful. I love the hunted one. I love the hunted one because I think the outwittingness,

like I would hate to do the alone thing. I'd snap in two days. I'd be on the helicopter on the way there, go, take me back, take me back. But is yours a mental thing? I want to outwit people. I want to outfox people through cunning and guile. But being alone with your own thoughts,

that's the thing you couldn't cope with yes i should on this desert island that we're describing here uh in the format uh i would not survive i don't think unless i could work maybe i if i could treat it as me somehow outwitting life itself or do you mean if i could i could maybe reframe it i think if i could reframe it i'd be in with a chance because I do like a challenge. I like, I'm a fixer. I'm a bodger and a fixer. And if the, you know, like the drains weren't working out the back of the house and I built something,

I was like, I'm not going to pay someone 200 quid to sort that out. I'm going to fix it. And so I kind of cobbled together, I kind of MacGyvered a bit of wire coat hanger and a bit of a stick that I'd kept and some gaffer. And I cleared the drains myself. And I was like, yes. Does it work. Does it work? Yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm quite a good bodger. I try and do yeah but you this is it I'm a bodger but I'm a bad bodger and it's like I would arrive on the desert island and I'd be like oh yeah I've got this like really positive and then I'd be you know you sometimes see in like films where like someone gets their foot stuck in something on the ground and then it goes up and then they end up kind of like upside down with their foot stuck in a thing like yeah but it wouldn't even be a trap

it would just be a bright like something had happened and then i'd just be stuck upside down and then it'd be over yes although if you do do roller derby i think bad bonjour is a really good name for that yeah yeah i should never do roller derby but it's a it's a lovely suggestion um how did you find putting together your choices for it extremely difficult i want to caveat this entire episode you're a very positive person so i think it's hard for you that's very sweet it's very sweet that that's what you've recognized um i think it's two things one i don't well three things i don't spend any time with things i dislike very hard for me to think of a movie i hate because if i hate a movie i won't watch it i won't watch the rest of it i'll walk out the cinema i'll bug out yeah yeah yeah yeah um also but not in the kind of uh I'll just leave you

know but I just I just not gonna waste your time I don't waste my time with things and I think that's true of people and foods and everything on the list it was I found it very hard so partly I am very positive and I always with people it's so hard because I always try and see the good in Darth Vader you know everyone thinks they're the hero but I always try and see the good

in for example Darth Vader I don't spend any time or frequently trying to see the good in Darth Vader you're at home going he must

there must be something redeemable good voice gotta give him that shiny outfit yes very shiny but it's that and it's also the fact that I am sort of afraid of upsetting anyone.

Yes. So it's not even, you're trying to be positive, but also it's like you just, you don't want the effects of not being positive. Oh, yes. Like I thought, I suddenly thought about an hour ago, I thought, oh, yes, I've got one of my people. And I'm like, but I can't say their name. I don't want to identify them.

What if they knew? What if they felt bad that they knew they were being so you know so I'm sort of callow I'm kind of zen-like and positive and also deeply callow yeah yeah yeah yeah no I have that because it's like you don't want the guilt of that it's like it's not even necessarily even about their feelings it's about my guilt yes I'm mortally afraid of upsetting someone and then becoming an enemy. Both of those at once. And so it's not a natural format for me. But I realised earlier as well that you remind me,

and I don't know how old your child is. How old is your child? Three. Three. Have you encountered the Trolls franchise, the DreamWorks Trolls franchise? We haven't probably watched a film yet, but I definitely had Little Trolls when I was a kid. I highly recommend the films.

They're really, really good. I would, however, scan the first one first because in the first one, the baddies are the Bergens, and they are big monsters that eat the Trolls. And there's like an evil chef that wants to eat the Trolls. It was too much for our little ears. But then it goes on. And what they've done is they have brilliantly taken the IP of those little novelty pen top trolls,

and they've gone, well, this is a famous brand, and we can do literally anything with it. So they've gone, they live in a world of music, it's all pop music, and it's sparkly, and they've got huge hair because they're so into pop, and then you meet other kind of, there's the funk trolls and the country and western trolls and what have you. Spoiler alert for the third film. And you remind kind of there's the funk trolls and the you know country and western trolls and what have you spoiler alert for the third film um and uh and you remind me

of one of the trolls you have you have you have princess poppy energy and that's why i thought i can't not do a podcast i'm so glad you explained um before you said you are a troll um because that is not something that i would ever usually want to hear. Oh, I love that. I definitely want to see it. I mean, you'll love them. You'll love them. They're so good.

Because I have, what does that mean? So I have like, so the trolls are... Sort of upbeat, zesty, perky, sparkly. There's a song that Poppy sings. She's voiced by Anna Kendrick

and you could listen on Spotify to Get Back Up Again, which is like, you know, I will get back up again. I'm falling over a lot. I'm falling over when I get back up. 100%. Yes, this is it.

I listen to it when I run. I've got a Disney playlist. I've got a Disney playlist. It's like Moana, Song of the Ancestors. Oh, yes. Some stuff from Trolls, you know, not Disney, but like, you know, the kind of kids show things. That's a great idea to run to Disney songs, actually.

Yeah. Sometimes at Christmas, I've run to Christmas music and it's like, but you can't do it in March. Wow, that is masochism. But running, it's such a good thing to run to Disney songs, actually. Sometimes at Christmas, I've run to Christmas music. But you can't do it in March. Wow, that is masochism. But running, it's such a good thing to run to. Is it? Yeah, because it's just like, it's so upbeat. And it's so like, I need a good beat and lyrics and like those bells and stuff.

It's so exciting. The bells must be quite good. That's nice. Yeah. Not the sad, slow ones, but like the high. Cheers, nuts, cheers, nuts. Silent night or something. Yeah.

Oh. Okay, well, this is exciting. Okay, well, cheers, nuts. Silent night or something, yeah. Oh. Okay, well, this is exciting. Okay, well, then let's get straight in. Who's the first person on the challenge? So the first person is, and I thought about... Okay, I'll do a real person first. So the first person is... I didn't know if I was allowed categories of people.

Like one of my categories is... It is loose. People who say, very well, thanks, and you're good self. So I thought about starting to answer phone calls like that. Yes, you're good self, or like my liege, that kind of... Stout human of the bar. That kind of vibe. And again, I don't mean anything bad if anyone out there is listening

and talks like that. Where is it from? Is it like a Tolkien kind of thing? Is it like a... I don't know, and you're good self. It's a sort of, it like a Tolkien kind of thing? Is it like a... I don't know. And you could say, it's a sort of, it's a pre-Partridge. It is what Partridge is satirising, but it exists pre-Partridge.

And so I've got a couple of mates who both pick up the phone in a funny way. My mate Hutch always answers the phone to me by saying, now what's all this about? Which I love. Yeah, that's great. And my friend Marky always answers the phone

and goes, talk to me. Which I love. I love both of them. Yes, I love those. So I think for fun, I might start going, very well, thanks in your good self. I don't think I can commit to it because even saying it now, it sort of drips with this awful, there's a lovely expression

Bill Bailey used about Chris DeBert. He said, Chris DeBert likes to use the harp in his songs because it reeks of vanity. And there is a similar floral way of like, very well, thanks in your good self. What is that? It's like, it makes you physically go.

There's also kind of a fake humbling, like a kind of like, you're like, it's like the my leisure, your good self. It's like a kind of bowing in it,

but it's like not, yeah, it's not real. Why are people trying to be worm tongue? Very well, your majesty. Yes. Although that is, that is what i thought that would be my

role in a kind of desert island plane crash situation if there were other people there as someone with although i've i i am a bodger i'm a fixer i'm not a i'm not a builder i can't make anything good and solid last so i have always thought years i've thought that my my only chance of success would be to find the strongest like find the alpha of the survivors and then poison them with oh you can't trust them well i think i'd be very good on traitors oh you'd be a good like whisperer i think in the ear you'd you'd you'd kind of bring down the whole civilization yes well i'm a very good liar as well are you really i am i warned my wife about that when we first met. Well, I didn't warn her.

It wasn't a serious thing. But, you know, Traitors is based on a hook, line and sinker lift of a game called Werewolf. Yes, yes. John Gracie has played Werewolf as a thing. But you don't necessarily need to play it as a show. You can just play it with... I played it at a wedding, at my friend Pete's wedding, with something like 40 people. And it was absolutely incredible but when we went through a

phase of playing werewolf all the time and my friends would always kill me first because it's too heartbreaking when i turned out to have lied to them because no one wants you to lie i just think i'm good because i that's i can use my empathy for evil because i'm like what would they think of me like i feel like I've got an insight into like what makes a realistic sort of life also it's just fun to try and convince your wife of dumb bullshit I told her that giraffes had uh their cocks were in their necks people do this shit to me all the time I hate that that's not even funny because then the problem is then as somebody who believes people and trusts them especially like somebody you're married to you

trust them then you go away away and you spout all of this shit. My ex-husband made me believe that it was legal in Canada to have sex with beavers. And it's not even that it was, but it was like, oh, this old law. But then I repeated it in conversation thinking I was sounding really smart about these old Canadian laws.

If I were to try and sell that lie, I'd be like, it's not that it's legal, it's just technically not illegal. And I'd kind of go into bits of half-remembered Latinate, you know, under the, well, it was initially when the provinces and I'd kind of throw in whatever. You're doing it now. Yes, exactly.

In front of my face. Yes, I'm sorry. I hate that. I'm sorry for that. I hate it. Okay, what's second? Oh, so the second would be a boy who i went to school with who was there was there is a there's a um what's the phrase what's the something of riches you know a surfeit

of riches what is it yeah i think it's that there's fucking loads of options from my school days because i did not enjoy them there was a particular teacher who bullied me and i thought about him uh maybe being in the list because he i don't remember the bullying at all i remember hating school i don't remember any incidents of bullying but like my parents went in and had to complain like he's bullying him and then i do remember so many of us hated him that we made a pact as children that when we were grown-ups we would uh track him down as adults and beat him up. And I later worked with him and did not beat him up. I worked with him at, again, it's an unusual quirky location

that would probably identify him and I'm too callow. But it was like a sort, let's call it a theme park. He had a theme park role. I had a summer job theme park role. And I saw him and I was like, oh, fuck, that guy. Oh, my God. And I immediately was like oh i made a promise i'm doing this for children everywhere he was a sort of an awful shuffling

man he clearly didn't remember me he and i was just like this must be so weird to have affected so many people's childhoods by just being a shit teacher and then have retired and done something else. And you just forget it. You just meet people. Does he know that out there in the world there are these people that hate him? But I just sort of felt sorry for him. That's it. A few years later, he had an accident in which I was not involved.

That's not true. I don't know what happened to him. That was a lie. I assume he died. I meant it to be an obvious joke and lie, but I think I sold it too well. Again, again. So wait, did you speak to him when you worked together? I meant it to be an obvious Jokey lie But I think I sold it too well And I was like Again again

No no no So wait Did you speak to him When you worked together Did you speak to him Yes yes I did And I didn't Like a little bit of me

Wanted to go You do know I remember Do you know what I mean And did he recognise you I was a teenager He didn't recognise me And I didn't bring it up And it was just one of those things

Where like One day And then it happens And you're always like Oh no I'm just going to behave Like a normal human And sort of get rid of it. Does he still live in the same town?

He's dead now. Yes. I assume he's dead now. It was ages ago. Because I just imagine if he lives in the same town, he's done that to so many children, just everywhere he goes, he might not recognise them. But his coffee would be like really cold or like he'd go like somebody in the... He'd just have a horrible life. Yeah, the bathroom would be shut on him.

Everyone would be soaring his chair slightly smaller. And he just would have no idea. That's what we should have decided. We're not going to beat him up. We will just tell everyone and embark on a campaign to gently make his life 20% worse. Yes, just a really inconvenient life. Yeah, an inconvenient life.

That's a fucking good pitch for a movie. That's a good pitch for a movie. We might need to draw a little circle around that. Okay, great. But like a short film whereby a team of people are kind of gently but like well it's amelie isn't it it's amelie but it's like the team up heist version of amelie yeah and just it's a revenge it's a team up revenge amelie oh man that's like james cameron writing the dollar sign after the word alien book it do it Do it. Yeah, so anyway, it isn't him. Instead, it's another boy who was called either Robert or Richard or something.

He was not in my year. A couple of years below me, I think. Maybe a year below me. And at the bus stop one time, he kicked a ladybird to death. That's a stupid way of saying it. He kicked a ladybird. Obviously, you know, he squashed a ladybird with his foot and I just remember

it can't have been the first time I'd seen senseless cruelty to life but it really stuck with me such that when I was thinking who do I hate I was like that fucker that's psychopathic behaviour though and they say that a lot of murderers

they started out murdering like cats I would accept that for cats I think probably most children have pulled the wings off something or trod on a lady but it's just it wasn't in his way it was on a post nearby he had to go out of his way to go like that and just when mush it with it might have been two of them actually mushed them with his foot and i just remember thinking like i was so flabbergasted i don't think i reacted or said anything and of course i you know i'm these days i'm a fairly

socially confident person. But at the time I was at school and hating it and going, that's not going to do or say anything. I'm just going to think about this for the rest of my life. Why would you just do that? And it's too late. He's already kicked the ladybird. Oh, you can't. CPR is not going to work. I mean, this is over.

I think this ladybird is quite squashed. Can you do anything? Oh, that's horrible. Yeah, you don't want him on a desert island that would be him that would be bad advice although

maybe if you needed now I'm thinking in terms of resources to kill something he could be quite good bait or do you know what I mean it would be

a useful resource on a desert island would be a person about whom you had no feelings yes for them oh this is

getting quite dark he would be the person you have chained up and then you use for different things yes okay here's a question if you had someone chained up on the desert island for how long do you think this has been quite a good psychopath test or personality test for how long do you think you could leave them chained up before you went this is inhumane i like two days tops well but then it's like do you adjust to the chains do you start thinking like oh maybe they like the chains you know what I mean that's psychopathic

they're used to it now I don't want to confuse well for me it would be like I'd be sort of thinking there is a in the first hour I'd be going great I've got somebody who could do all my jobs for me and then I'd be very quickly thinking oh there's a sort of window isn't there of like after a certain amount of time if they are released they are a massive threat if you release them soon enough they could eventually come over to your side but if you leave it too long i always think um when i'm watching movies thrillers or something where someone gets kidnapped or bundled into a car or something the thought I often have is you as the kidnapee would have to make a decision very early doors like, my life is at risk.

Whatever they say they're going to do with me, my life is at risk. Therefore, they are a threat and must be met with lethal force immediately. Like if you get kidnapped, I have no idea if this would stand up in court, presumably it would be okay to kill the person who had kidnapped you on the basis that they've taken away your. Presumably it would be okay to kill the person who had kidnapped you

on the basis that they've taken away your freedom and you can only assume they want to kill you. Yeah. Yeah, no, this is... I'm freaking out about the islands freaking me out, man. It's eating all these seagulls. It's doing something to me. Rookie episode.

I think if you're... And the thing is as well, you should fight. You should do everything you can to resist kidnapping. 100%. Never go to a second location. I've drilled this into my wife and my children yes i think i got it from jack reacher but i think it stays i think it holds water if you go to a second location they can't find you and i think you have to train yourself to that such as someone points a gun at you and says get in the car you have to have the fortitude to go no kill me here or i'm walking away that's

the sort of thing mike ermantrantraut would do from Breaking Bad. You know the old guy? It's too scary for me. Okay. I haven't seen it. So what you can do is you can watch Better Call Saul and fast forward through the boring subplot with Saul's brother to just the Mike bits.

And we called it Better Call Mike. And we just skipped through it. Oh, there he is, there he is. Let's watch this bit. Okay, great. I'll do that. He's like a former cop turned kind of an enforcer for a drug dealer. He's just one of those guys who doesn't even really need a gun

because he just gets the situation and how everyone works and what pressure you can apply. I'm the opposite of that. Yes, which is why it would be such a good team-up slash podcast. Oh my God, we've got to get it, we've got to get on. Okay, who's the third person? I'm going to go with The Lich from Adventure Time. Okay.

I haven't seen Adventure Time. Have you seen Adventure Time, James? Are we allowed to address James? Do we have to pretend he doesn't exist? Well, in that case, I feel very rude that we've been ignoring James. You never granted him your eye contact, so I was like, he's not here.

It's a test on the guest. It's a test to see whether you include James or not. Is he chained up? I keep him chained up in the corner. Yeah, exactly. I don't talk on him. But yeah, I know what you're talking about. You're going to have to explain that.

Okay, so there is the greatest cartoon in the world. It's called Adventure Time, and it concerns a little boy, Finn, and his dog, Jake, who's his... He's not his dog. He's his best friend, Jake, who is a dog, who has shape-changing powers. He can move... He can elasticise his body like, uh, you know, one of those guys,

fantastic four guy. Um, and the two of them live in the land of ooh. And there were like 10 seasons of this with like 23 episodes, 22 episodes per season. And it is a staggering work of genius. And my son is a completist he's not he turns nine in a few weeks um he insisted on watching all of it and i was there for a lot of it so i haven't seen all of it but over the course of this wonderful i mean it is i cannot recommend it enough if you watch it it's available on now tv but i would recommend you find it via other means because not every episode was released in the UK. At one point, a key character loses an arm and that is a permanent injury. And I think for some reason, like the British censors didn't like it. So that one isn't on now TV. Also, the order is out of order and the order is important, but it is an absolute work of genius. And we've

watched all of it and we've watched the distant lands, which is the kind of four final stories that were made years it was like we discovered this thing it's from ages ago i remember watching it like godson like 15 years ago um and it it's so it's i can't tell you how good it is just in terms of like a long sweeping narrative whereby it's a bit like dungeons and dragons ish if you like that kind of thing but it's also just full of like there's a bit like Dungeons and Dragons-ish, if you like that kind of thing, but it's also just full of, there's a candy kingdom and there's a woman called Marceline who's a vampire and her dad might be the devil. And there's like a guy who's like a root beer guy

who's like a jug of root beer. And I cannot possibly do it justice. And who's the voice of Prismo? Is it Kumail Nanjiani is the voice of Prismo? Oh, yeah, he's great. Emo Phillips turns up as this guy who's like a little sortismo is it Kumail Nanjiani is the voice of Prismo oh yeah he's great Emo Phillips turns up as this guy who's like a little

sort of storyteller every so often he does like a mini micro episode mini story thing and it is I just can't tell you how good it is

I've never written down so many recommendations I'm going to write this down as well it's Adventure Time what age do you think it's what age I think

well there are scary bits in the opening credits just have a little google of the opening credits of Adventure Time because What age do you think it's? Come on, bring your friends. What age? I think, well, there are scary bits. In the opening credits, just have a little Google of the opening credits of Adventure Time because there's a bit where you see Marceline and you kind of zoom, there's the ice king. God, I haven't mentioned the ice king. There's a bit where you sort of zoom through the various worlds that make up the Land of Ooo

in a sort of a zoom in three second thing that establishes the world. And as you go past Marceline, she goes, and she kind of like turns from a normal face into a horrible vampire face so i think that marks it out as six and a half to seven if they're a pretty tough cookie yeah uh my daughter is six now and she can watch pretty much all of it but sometimes the way in which it's weird isn't just scary it's a bit reality bending and there's one or two episodes where you're like i'd want to watch it with her because it just might mash her head up a bit it's a bit like

it's a bit kind of dali-esque kind of this character's now dripping down a wall there are moments like that oh my god it's so good but the the baddie who is beautifully set up and continues throughout and then is vanquished and returns and is vanquished and returns in a new and impressive way is the lich and the lich is the most evil character in all of creation and it's just wonderful why is the lich so evil because they're uh the goal of the lich is um the annihilation of the entire world and that's quite good that's up there with the kind of and who's that who's the um there's a Doctor Who baddie called Davros, who's the leader of the Daleks. And the original Davros, I remember, he was terrifying.

He was like gribbly and weird and rubbery. No disrespect to people who have gribbly, weird, rubbery faces. What is gribbly? Oh, like a... Yeah, it's not a real thing. Is that a word? Like a latex... No, I don't think so.

My aforementioned friend Pete used it to describe, you know those little monsters that sit on your finger and go like that? Yeah, they're gribbly, yeah, definitely. Well, yes, he referred to them as this little gribbly guy. And I went, oh, they are gribblies, aren't they? But it means kind of rubbery and like a, if you imagine jelly but with tufts of hair poking out of it. Oh, unnatural.

And at one point Davros is tasked by the doctor, who at that point I think may have been Tom Baker. And he said, would you, you know, having a sort of a standoff, and he says, would you, if you had a device that would destroy the world, you know, would you do it? And he was like, yes, that would give me the power of a god. Yes, I would do it. And then, of course, in the way of Doctor Who,

as they continually up the stakes, I think in more recent Doctor Who's, Davros is like, I've invented a reality bomb this bomb will it won't just kill everything it will destroy reality itself it's a little overblown but i think adventure time manages to do that whereby um the lich and then this other creation uh gold which is like a kind of a chaos entity representative um not an agent of chaos but a personification of chaos they manage to become incredibly ethereal and time looping and wish and reality and dreams and stuff and it sticks the

landing and it all just works so and the the appearance that the lich takes for most of the series is the there's a key character i don't want to give anything away i'm really hoping that literally everyone listens to this goes goes immediately and watches Adventure Time. There is a character that the Lich possesses people, and that's a big thing. So their eyes go black with little green points, and they are possessed. And he possesses a key character,

and then that character is revealed to have been the Lich all along. And then the appearance of the Lich for the rest of the show is that character with their skin hanging off and half a skull revealed. And it's so great. And big shout out. I don't think I'm old enough for this. Big shout out to Wilma Hickey-Heal on Instagram, who's a friend of mine, who is a very young drag queen and brilliant costume designer. Because Wilma is the son of my dear friend Vince and we needed an emergency Halloween costume for my boy.

And he was like, he'd mentioned months before Halloween, I'd love to go as the Lich. And I was like, yeah, cool. No further mention. Three days before Halloween. When are we going to do my Lich costume? What? We're going on holiday.

And as it happened, we stayed with Vince and we spoke to Wilma and we said is there any way you could knock up a Lich costume and it's incredible I'll show you

when we finish maybe if you like you can put it on the show notes because also William Henderson real name William is a

much sought after costumier for other drag queens so I would love to give his skills an incredible shout out on your show. Oh my God. Okay.

So unfortunately, Stu, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over, but it is your least favourite food and drink. Okay. What is it and why? Two answers to this. One, the wrong bagre bein gan.

And I don't know if I'm pronouncing that. What did you just say? It is an aubergine, tamarind and peanut dish. And during the pandemic, we ate so much of it. We would have a regular weekly takeaway and from a particular place in Bristol. Can you say it again? I believe it's bhagre bhaingan, but I don't know. What nationality is it? It's Indian, it's a curry. Okay. I think it's bagrae baingan but i don't know what nationality is it it's indian is it curry okay i think it's but what i'm doing there is uh sort of sort of an impression of the person who said it to me on the phone which i don't know if it's fair to say i don't know if i'm mispronouncing if i call it buggery it's a buggery baingan i think that's worse than slightly doing an impression of

a specific person saying it um but it's delicious and then they switched the head chef we had the perfect it was that and we would get a butter chicken and something else and it was the perfect for like a couple of years it was just perfect this is our indian takeaway this is this is blowing my mind it's so good life is perfect life is wonderful and then they switched the head chef and i rang up and i said, what's going on? Like, this is different. Like, it's been perfect for years. And the guy said, oh, the head chef has left us.

We have a new head chef, though, and he's really fantastic. I was like, OK, hmm. We stayed with it for a bit. It continued to be bad. And it was a cheap, tawdry reminder of the wonderful bug-ray buying gun that had once been. And then I rang up again and I said, can you tell me who the head chef was or where he went and they said what do you mean and i said well we used to do this perfect thing and now they don't do it anymore uh you don't do it anymore and you said the guy gone where has he or she gone uh and they went oh no no no the head chef doesn't left we've

had the same head chef for ages and i went well you haven't and now we don't go there anymore because they lied because one of the clearly the story what i don't know how many people were ringing up going guys what the fuck have you done to your overage um but uh they the story changed from the head chef has left to we don't know what you're talking about so what do you think happened well i just think the head chef left and i think that's the kind of mystery and then later someone else on the call decided to you know weeks later someone decided not to admit that because obviously if you're bringing a restaurant hey i'd love to go to the place where your former person is because you're

shit now so i want to go there so the dish would be uh that one like the new bad one the new bad i hate that and what would be the drink? The drink would be probably an Aperol Spritz or anything with aniseed or... Is that particularly funny? No, it's because, I mean, it's a real basic bitch move, but I love an Aperol Spritz. I just think, is it aniseed? There's some weird thing in it that is like... It's not about the personality that goes behind the Aperol Spritz. It's about the taste.

Because an Aperol Spritz has a certain connotation, I think, of... What is the connotation? It's of ladies having an Aperol Spritz. Okay. It's a real... The listener won't see what you're doing with your hands. I'm wiggling my shoulders a little bit. It's like the new Prosecco.

It's like a... You know what I mean? Like ladies at Prosecco, they're now Aperol Spritz. I should like a bubbly, bright orange drink that comes in a special cup. I should like that. In a big cup. It's just that it's disgusting. And I think it's because it's kind of...

It tricks you. Is it sort of aniseed adjacent? There's some, I don't know what the booze is. It's like a Campari. Yes, exactly. It's the kind of slightly bitter, kind of Negroni kind of thing. Negronis can fuck themselves. Yes, exactly. Fuck Campari, man. It's the slightly bitter, kind of Negroni kind of thing. Negronis can fuck themselves. I get it.

Some people, I think, have real anger with the Aperol Spritz because they think it's going to be a delicious sweet drink and actually the bitterness makes them cross. Yes, but I went into it eyes open and I just went, oh, it's one of those fucking things. So you mean, oh, it's one of those kind of... Yeah. What, oh, it's one of those, it's one of those kind of, what's the opposite of an antidote? Something that's a person, like a cursed drink for yourself.

It's kind of aniseed, campari, that kind of bullshit. Yeah. I'll tell you another one. If I sort of scruffled through the, scruffled, that's another word I made up, through the wreckage, and I found there's a cocktail, the name is offensive, it's called a gas chamber. That's an offensive name. And this was a cocktail that was available at a bar called Glasnost in Royal Leamington Spa many years ago.

Maybe 25-ish years ago. And the gas chamber is, it was a, what's the green thing? Green fairy. Absinthe. Absinthe. It was an absinthe cocktail. So absinthe it was an absinthe cocktail like so absent and other stuff and the way the reason the gas thing was that you would i think you would light it and then cover it with

something such that the the the flame would go out and then you would sort of inhale the gas from the flame from the burning thing and it just it just it's the sickiest thing you can imagine it's just awful and my friend spencer used to really enjoy them and wanted to make me have them all the time it was and you drink them and you survive i don't think i did but i probably felt like i probably at that time i would have felt like there was um that i was somehow lacking and not being laddy enough is it you ever have a black Sambuca? God, no. No, same thing, same thing.

Yeah, we're finding the family of things. It's the family of things. What's the common... Probably a chemist would be listening to this going, there's a specific, it's compound X, and we can use that to defeat Goldsmith. We're going to get him. Stu, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes

entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it has two working settings only one has your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why oh well the song is easy the song is i think it's called wave rider by tiesto or it may be Tiesto by Wave Rider, but it's a song on the soundtrack to one or other of the Hotel Transylvania films. I feel like the second or third maybe. And it goes like this. Repeat. It goes like that. That is bad.

It's so bad. can i play you a bit now and then we can cut it out i don't i don't know that i'll have signal i can't imagine it does sound like what you just did i am mate i hope we can include it because it's one of those ones which i think i made the mistake of going oh i hate this but i've i've made it visible that i hate it and now my children know i hate it, so they like it. So they're playing it. There is a whole thing. I don't know about your lass,

but we have kept a Spotify playlist the whole time of music our kids like. So it was like when the boy was tiny, the song Inspector Norse by Todd Turjay would make him wiggle his hips as I decide. It would be like, oh, that's going on. So that's thing number one. I feel like there's a worse one than this. It might be that there's, it might be Sea-volution.

Okay, yeah, let's try it. This is a different song. That's a different song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really found a niche, hasn't it? This is Sea-volution. Sea-volution. Hang on. That's a different song. Yeah. It's really found a niche, hasn't it? This is C-Volution. What?

It's this kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's that kind of business. I quite like it. Do you? I quite like it, yeah. I think if you had, you'd have to have some empty air or whatever. That's what's missing, I think.

My kids don't do that shit, man. Yeah, your kids are clean, yeah. It's the intersection of, oh, not this, and they're like, hmm, a reaction. And then that becomes their favourite song. So the downside of the listening on Spotify to, oh, won't the producers be pleased i'm reffing it uh repping the uh brand um but uh the the downside of having a brilliant like it's he was with the thing is now the boy's nearly nine he was listening to it in a nostalgic way recently he was going back and going oh i remember this it's old enough to have nostalgia go oh he used

to listen to during the pandemic we used to listen several times a day. We'd listen to ABOP by the band Tung, T-U-U-N-G or T-U-N-N-G. And it's brilliant, ABOP, A-B-O-P. It's such a great song. It's just fantastic. And it was his favourite song. And I think we tweeted at them at the time and the band got back to us and he was overjoyed. He was like, oh, my little boy loves this. But now he's feeling nostalgic about songs he listened to

when he was four or five, which is absolutely reasonable. But the downside is the amount of procedurally generated horse shit on whatever music platform you happen to be on, which is designed to capture the attention of children. Or Christ, they know that kids will get hold of their parents' phones and type in Mr. Poo-Poo. So someone's called themselves Mr. Poo-Poo and there's the Mr. Poo-Poo song and it's the Mr. Bum-Bum Willie song.

Do you know what I mean? And it's effectively keyword stuffing for children so that someone's making money. Well, it's a combination of you don't need to have – maybe it's the hardest genre to write in the world, I don't know. But if you can make a thing go – If you can make a thing go if you can make a thing do that and you can produce hundreds of them at no you can probably make ai just knock out a million and then bang you can fill up a content providing platform with those things and you can gradually make tiny tiny

micro payments from repeated plays from all over the world okay so i think i have a new career have you tried searching your own name on, for example, Spotify? No. Because there is a person out there who has keyword stuffed the names of loads of comedians. So people years ago alerted me to a thing saying, have you heard this song? And it was a song saying, the title of the song is

a song that would be of interest to the comedian Stuart Goldsmith. And it's some bloke doing 10 seconds of, you're a comedian, your name is Stuart Goldsmith. You drive some bloke doing ten seconds of you're a comedian your name is Stuart Goldsmith you drive around and you probably do comedy gigs and it's that but they've done one

for hundreds of comedians in the hope that people searching they get some plays I mean more fool them because they haven't got enough traction that it was worth

even that nine seconds of their time but yeah so in the hope that people would come up with things like this this is crazy okay so I can't even imagine what is your film basically of their time. But yeah, so in the hope that people would come up with things like this. This is crazy.

Okay, so I can't even imagine what is your film? Basically, I love a heist. I love a thriller. I don't mind a bit of prison. I mean, I'm mortally afraid of prison. So I quite like someone

surviving in prison. And they know that, the people who make films. They're like, men are mortally afraid of prison and want to see someone survive through guile. Let's make movies movies for them so every time i see a movie which is in that genre but is dreadful it makes me feel bad about all the other ones that i do like it's like

it's calling me out on how basic i am and how much i like all that stuff. So this one is not prison-y. This is a heist movie. It's called Now You See Me. And it should be incredible. This is the pitch. Four magicians. I've seen it in the cinema and I was furious. Yes, thank you. I was furious.

It's not often that I get furious. I don't understand. It's a heist with a team of magicians. Yes. And they're fucking, they're like, what are Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Morgan Freeman's in it, Ruffalo's in it. What's the lady who's married to Sacha Baron Cohen? That diminishes her.

Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher. That's get rid of the bit where I said that's right. Isla Fisher is in it. And someone else like Dave Franco, I think, who's one of the more acceptable Francos. Yes. And it's them being magicians doing a heist. And I'm think, who's one of the more acceptable Francos. Yes. And it's them being magicians doing a heist. And I'm like, what's not to like?

And fuck, it's dog shit. I was furious. What made you angry about it? Because I was furious. I can't even, I just remember, all I remember is the feeling of I was so cross. And then Mark Ruffalo walks away, he's kind of got this big smug smile on his face.

And I don't even know why. And it just didn't make sense. And it just made me angry. And it wasn't funny or his face and I don't even know why and like it just didn't make sense and I just made me angry and it wasn't funny yes good the thing the thing that made I don't trust magicians yes well you're right not to trust magicians you're right not to I mean the same way as why would you trust or hang out with hypnotists why would you it's an insane thing to do um I like magic I like so like magic hate magicians right that's the thing that's the t-shirt I enjoy magic and I have some friends

who are very excellent magicians I should say people like Charlie Caper who's a Swedish magician who is incredibly creative and wonderful and astonishingly hard working and imaginative

and what have you I know plenty of other excellent magicians as well and a whole load of creeps because like street performing and stand up comedy there's no barrier to entry. You just buy a trick, learn a trick,

and now you are a magician. And your whole thing is you trick people. And any wrong-o can do that. Exactly. And you trick people. So there's an awful lot of... My test is, if a magician has a playing card, a specific playing card tattooed anywhere on their body,

nah. Apologies to Magic Brian. You're the exception. So I don't like magicians but i would love to see um uh i keep forgetting woody harrelson yeah being a magician and i'd love to see the right version of that movie but there was a moment in the movie where one of them is quite early on there's a heist quite early on they're arrested and one of them maybe jesse eisenberg is has got handcuffs on in police custody

in an interview and he goes well of course I'm a magician and suddenly he's not wearing handcuffs and I nearly stood up in the cinema

that is not how that works that isn't magic this has been written by someone who doesn't know what magic is you can't do that no one can do that so suddenly we're in a world

where they're actual wizards what the fuck are you talking about yes I agree I'm so glad I haven't thought about that I'm so glad you said that No one can do that. So suddenly we're in a world where they're actual wizards. What the fuck are you talking about? I agree. I'm so glad. I haven't thought about that. I'm so glad you said that. Okay, finally, Stuart, animals.

Oh, God. What is your worst animal? I haven't thought about this. I didn't see the animal bit. Well, I mean, I guess you could talk about that you love animals, I guess, and that you hate people eating food that is made of animals. Well, it's not that I hate, thank you, that's kind of you. It's not that i hate thank you that's kind of you um it's not that i hate any particular animals obviously tardigrades are a bit weird but i can

count they've got a right they've got a right to life i don't quite like him in many ways the noble the noble tardigrade um but i think that so i'm a big climate obsessive these days no i'm not a big climate obsessive i'm a completely normal person who's understandably concerned about the climate emergency. Fuck that up. You can keep it in. Part of the game of climate communication is not coming across like a big climate obsessive, but a completely normal person who's understandably concerned. And I found out the, I'm in the vegan pipeline at the moment. I'm not a vegan. I can feel myself ending up being a vegan. I've become vegan. Have you? Congratulations. Good for you. Are those for ethical reasons or climate reasons? Yeah, it's because the animals I just feel too bad.

Yes. So I'm in the vegan pipeline, not for ethical reasons, right? Meat is murder. I'm kind of fine with it. But the carbon impact of beef is staggering. Staggering. Predominantly because the inefficiency of the land use.

Like you need, in order that the cows graze, you need X amount of land. You could be growing stuff on that land. Or, you know, to make burgers, I think it takes a kilo of corn to end up with a quarter pound of burger. And that's insane. There's so many hungry people. It's just so inefficient to eat animals.

And that's why I'm going to end up being vegan. But you should look at the, you might be interested to look at the list of, you'll find various versions of this online. It's like beef, huge carbon impact. Lamb, huge carbon impact. Prawns, and that hurts. I can go without beef or lamb.

I quite like prawns. I can't have prawns now. I mean, I can from time to time. I'm as vegan as my options, right? If there's a vegan option, I'll have it. That's the thing I've made to myself myself and earlier today on the way here there was a lovely little bacon and scrambled egg like in a brioche in a sort of posh london twattery but then i saw vegan as my options and i had like a carrot wrap and i was like i don't want this but i had it and

actually it was quite good um so your island is full of um cows and prawns yes exactly yes but the good news is if you go for like just switch just switch from beef to pork or just switch from beef or lamb to chicken and it makes a huge like a colossal difference to your your carbon footprint okay i love that thank you so much for coming on i've enjoyed it enormously to see you and how can people find you um i was hoping you were going to sing us out in a trolls in a dreamworks do you have a theme song you can click along to um people can find me at stewart goldsmith I was hoping you were going to sing us out in a Trolls in a Dreamworks Trolls kind of a way I don't know it yet I need to learn it do you not have a theme song

that you can click along to people can find me at stewartgoldsmith.com or they can see me on Live at the Apollo I'm on Live at the Apollo it comes out on the 4th of February and I'm very excited about that

that's very exciting very long overdue and you're obviously you're a fantastic podcast oh yes oh they can also find my podcast at comedianscomedian.com. But no one does that.

Why would anyone go to a website for a podcast? Yeah, exactly. Just put Comedians Comedian into your basic search engine. Thanks so much for coming, Stu. Thank you.