Desert Island Dicks - STUART NIXON

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Currently in Edinburgh with his show Heavy Para, Stuart Nixon joins Dan to share who and what he's hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow @dickspodLearn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks and this episode features comedian Stuart Nixon. He's really good. If you're in Edinburgh at the minute, I'd recommend checking him out because that's where he is and he's doing a show there. It's August and that's what comedians like to do, so go and check him out. I reckon he's definitely one to watch, so yeah, if you can get to see him, go and see his show. I'm just trying to think if there's anything else I need to tell you, and I'm not sure if there is, but maybe there's something you want to tell me. And if that's the case, you can get in touch with us. You can go to dixpod.com slash contact,

and you can also contact us at DixPod on Twitter and Instagram as well. That's my alarm going off there, which is to tell me to record this intro so that I can get this published. Anyway, well, let's just get on with it. Here is quite literally a podcast with Stuart welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Stuart Nixon. How are you doing? I'm alright, how are you? Good, good. Yeah, we're doing like an in-person one of these. Normally we're recording over the internet, but I can see you. If I reach out my hand I can touch you. Thank you. Thank you for that.

I don't think you like that, so I'm not going to keep doing that. No, I don't. Boundaries! thank you for that I don't think you liked that so I'm not going to keep doing that no I didn't boundaries but yeah thanks for coming on the show man thank you for having me hello to all my new fans

yeah there they are I can feel them outside these walls yeah just cured up I can smell them they're amazing

wow Stuart I'm going to ask you to talk about the people and things you least want to be stuck with on a desert island in general you seem like quite an easygoing calm sort of person do you find it easy to get rolled up about stuff you hate or like it's that sad thing where i am very just like yeah peace man yeah i love you you should meet my parents like nice i i like people i'm quite positive about people i've had people throughout my life that i've disliked but i've kind of just gotten over it

you know i mean i'm the worst guest for this but i get riled up for sure yeah but then i'm like that's just me not dealing with it i don't know why i never blame it on anybody yeah well i think probably you've got a healthier mindset. I mean, what's bad for the podcast is good for your whole life. This podcast is going to be shit, but my life is going to be... Yeah. I mean, if you're going to choose one, be like, well, my life was pretty shit looking back,

but at least I nailed that guy's podcast 50 years ago. Yeah, that's what I want. Yeah. Well, let's go. We'll see if we can strike a balance. I'll be hit for the end. Yeah, and I feel bad. I don't want to bring you down too much.

But as this is in person, if I notice that you're getting too upset, we can always go and get a drink or something afterwards. So that's the advantage, which I can't offer most of our guests. Oh, cheers. So there you go. That's special. Thank you. Yeah. All right, well, look, let's get into it, Stuart. which I can't offer most of our guests so oh cheers so there you go special thank you yeah

all right well look let's get into it Stuart um your plane has crashed you're stuck with the people and things you hate who's going to be the first person joining you on the island uh there was a guy in school called John Johnson it wasn't James Johnson who was a real person who was absolutely lovely but I'm just giving this person a name. You're protecting his name. Yeah, because like I said, I don't know what John Johnson's up to. John Johnson, actually something John Johnson put on Facebook that was like, it's not about surviving the storm. No one's ever texted me before.

It's not about surviving the storm. It's about dancing in the rain. And I was like, this guy used to make my life hell. And dancing in the rain and i was like this guy used to make my life hell and like we did pe and he was a bit of a bigger guy and i was like terrible at pe terrible at sports but for some reason really good at long distance running okay and he didn't know that and he was insecure uh because he wasn't good at long-distance running, and he was like, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you if you beat me at the race. And then we did the race, and he just started sweating and clutching his chest

and throwing up at the side of the thing. And I just had to stand behind him and tie my shoes because I was like, he's going to kill me. So I just had to improvise my way around being behind him. He didn't even finish it. And he just used to just give me grief. Went to a party once and he was like, why are you here? And then I just left the party and went home all sad.

Oh, man. You know. Yeah. Bully stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever have any bullies? Yeah, I mean, I think nothing nothing to when i was very young i

think when i was like between i can't remember how old but like maybe around about the age of like six or something but i think in bigger school yeah i was thankfully all right i think i was generally quite good at like starting off the year with like a load of hard kids thinking who the hell is this little prick and then by the end like if you can make him laugh a bit all right generally get on but i don't think there was many like really bad bullies at my school i reckon so maybe it was environment maybe if i went somewhere else it would have been more horrendous i mean with this guy it seems like i mean you were very polite letting him like not beating him in the race but i mean the good thing is like he's got no stamina so if he does chase after you you've got a bit of an advantage it's kind of like a cheater versus gazelle thing i never thought about that yeah you could be like

you'll have to catch me first so long sucker i'm all right at long distance running i'm pretty crap at a lot of other stuff do you know what i mean i like and i also i had to go back to school every day that's true yeah i needed cronies yeah um but that is actually a very good point i was just pure like you're big you've got a deep thick Glaswegian accent which is a really beautiful thing I'm regretting everything I'm saying in this podcast

I'm like doing notes at the end like I love the accent of where I'm from I don't know I think you made the right decision I mean I think just saying I can run further than you is only going to work for so long

at some point you're going to be trapped in an arcade with him anyway to do a long distance run but there's something about a school bully where i just think they're in your psyche so much that even as a grown-up you're like water under the bridge i feel sorry for you now do you know what i actually feel sorry for you and but i reckon if you were in a room with him you'd still i know wouldn't you still get a bit of sweaty palms and like i think we sort of defer to our old selves a little bit sometimes i think he's like a dad of free and he posts stuff on facebook about how lovely his life is so i'm just kind of but i am angry that a also over the years i would hear about something bad happening to him you know nothing, nothing major, just small things.

And instead of being like, oh, bless, bless him, I was just like, yeah, you deserve it. You deserve it. But thankfully, coming out of that, yeah. But if we're on a desert island together, he can't see his kids anymore. Yeah. Sorry, mate.

Yeah. Karma. Yeah, he might just be sort of, yeah, just get back into that mindset of thinking, oh, I'm Karma. Yeah, it might just be, it might just be sort of, yeah, just get back into that mindset of thinking, oh, I'm here with you, it's your fault. Yeah.

Let's go for a race around that island and I'll beat him every time. It's amazing. I get it back. It's sweet. Except one time he just waits for you to come back round. You think, oh, I can't see him,

I'm about to lap him and he comes the other direction. You weren't expecting it. Starts quoting motivational quotes at you while he's trying to sit on your head or something oh my favorite thing as well torture torture i read them every morning i think though there's something awful about someone who is enough of a cunt to be a bully at school but now also posts things like it's not about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain you're like that's like both ends of being an annoying person, I think.

It's like, you're a horrible bully at school. Now you're just like putting out weak content. I'm also putting out pretty weak content, so I'm not going to lie. Do you know what I mean? It's like, at least as a bully, you were a horrible person. But at least you had some edge. I mean, now what are you like? There's motivational quotes on Facebook i mean come on like you can't do better than that i think it depends who's posting them do you mean yeah yeah there's like uh so when i'm

doing it it's great yeah john johnson's doing it bad that was moving sick okay so john johnson's on the island so like hello John and also then I suppose if it's like your childhood bully then you've got to at some point

decide like you know if he is all calm and zen these days you're going to have to make a decision like do I confront him at some point

you know you know John Johnson you were a real prick back then like you know you hurt a lot of people I'd bring it up straight away

would you yeah I just want to I just want to make do I want the island to be a hospitable place then? Like, you know, you hurt a lot of people. Oh, I'd bring it up straight away. Would you? Yeah, I just want to, I just want to make, do I want the island to be a hospitable place? Well, yeah,

I mean, the podcast is full of, I mean, it's full of, you're picking the worst people and things, but how you get along with them when it's happening

is your choice. So, you know, you're fine to try and make it a better place. Nah, I'm going to kill John Johnson and we're going to eat him

on the first day okay yeah good i just snap i get rid of all this bs i'm talking i just snap so now i think you're getting into the spirit oh thank you cheers all right so look your school bully is the first person to join you so it's a good solid baseline of dicks we've got here. Who's going to join him? Who's the next person joining you? There was a guy I worked with. I used to work in the first waitrose of Glasgow, which was a sociological nightmare. And I had a supervisor called Henry,

who, as like a power trip would make me shave and he was he was just a kind of older very camp man and he would be like you're a minute late for your shift like you know I'm putting on record just kind of like how it was actually really funny I was just too young and insecure and like I am at work this is my third job since working my people around and like working for my dad one summer I was like oh no I'm late and he was like you have to shave and he would hand me like the worst razor he could in the store you have to go and shave yeah go and shave and I come covered in blood and like just like you know there's all these spots and I would like burst the spots with a razor and I was just like... Oh, man. And I would just come in covered in blood

and he'd be like... And then... That's better. Now you look nice and smart. Yeah, it looked like an absolute... And I was just this wee, insecure wee guy and I was just like, oh, no. And I didn't even realise I had the ginger beard

until I was like 20. I had to call my mate up from school I used to give him grief because he was ginger and I was like I'm so sorry for giving you all the grief but I didn't know this

because this guy would make me shave I didn't have the opportunity to shave but he was alright he's posted and stuff on Facebook I've got them all on Facebook

I just think it's like have you ever gone into a supermarket and like thought god I can't believe that youth is unshaven while he's showing I just think it's like, have you ever gone into a supermarket and thought, God, I can't believe that youth is unshaven while he's shown which way the jam is or something. It's such a weird thing to think anyone cares about. It's the first Waitrose in Glasgow.

And it was like a bunch of people who worked for them in England would come up and they'd train all the people. And then everyone was like, we must do the waitrose values and it was like a cult and some people were like in love with it was like all they had it was like ah like the waitrose values but like we're all partners i said no we're not but yeah they made a shave and um a lot of the people there it was just our first job and we were so desperate to i don't know sitting there with my clip-on tie and my best days of my life but i think i mean this sort of person in a desert island scenario is going to be tricky because like come on mate you don't have to be clean shaven to work in a waitrose fucking like get over it mate

so he's not going to just abandon these kind of rules and stuff just because you're stranded on desert island he's going to like no look i kind of rules and stuff just because you're stranded on a desert island. He's going to say, no, look, I mean, for our morale, it's important to maintain a certain look. We've got to adhere to the standards of the Glasgow's waitrose. You know, like, if it was good enough for them, come on, lads, we need a routine. It's like, you know, in lockdown, people are like, you've still got to make sure you get dressed. You know, you've still got to, like, pretend you've got a normal job

and, like, put on some clothes. Otherwise, that's, like, the slippery slope. He's going to be gonna be all about that and you're like can we not just drink coconut water and get a suntan and yeah you know relax yeah jump in the lagoon exactly so i just think it's gonna be like an annoying presence to have with you this just feels like who am i gonna kill uh one after the other yeah yeah but he can't make me shave i'm gonna be uh bloody tom hanks in that film i know but i think you're still like it's that attitude isn't it of like trying to come up with like oh of course here comes stewart late again it's like we don't even have a fucking watch bro like it doesn't matter like get over it he's not you know

it's just like those niggly little things are sort of like pretending to glance at his watch when you turn up. Yeah, you're totally right, actually, yeah. I think it's going to do your head in. Yeah, I'd hate to be on an island with this guy. That's a good choice. That's a good choice. We're getting there.

Hello. What's he called again? Are we allowed to know his name? We should say Waitrose Manager. I gave him a fake name. He wasn't even the manager. Okay. He wasn't even the manager.

And then I was... He was the supervisor. And then I was like... I was working there full time was he was a supervisor and then i was like i was working there full time was a they made me the supervisor they made me a supervisor they're like you're getting one pound uh extra an hour that's what you get for shaving i guess here we go yeah because i was so clean cut and looking good uh and then they made me it and then i was pure best mates while the middle-aged women I lived with, I worked with. And I was in charge of their breaks.

And then they all hated me. And then I had to ask people to shave. Oh. Oh, yeah. It's all coming back. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But the difference is you didn't relish having to tell people to shave. But it sounds like this guy really enjoyed that part of his job people loved the power struggle like 17 when i started and my managers were like 23

year old losers who no offense no you weren't uh sorry sorry my previous managers at waitrose who were listening hello uh but yeah they were like um power mad and like I remember having to ask to take the day off for my friend's dad's funeral and they were like no and then I was sure well I am a working bee now this is like what happens yeah mad and then I I had to which was the word, where you step down from a presidential... Like resign or... Yeah, I had to resign as a supervisor because I couldn't handle the pressure.

I couldn't handle these middle-aged women hating me because we were pure best pals and they were like, you're all right for a young guy. And I was like, thank you. And then they made me, and then I just, I hated them hating me. And I was like, I've got to buy out I've got like

I can't I just want to be like everybody else I tapped out well that's good though so you didn't let it go no it's not good I was making

six pounds an hour and then I was making seven pounds an hour or something okay well career wise yeah terrible choice I mean though you are a stand up comedian now

which is what you want to do you could be still working at Waitrose so probably the right move you know yeah nothing wrong working at Waitrose but I mean for your path now you know it's worked out better right so look we've got an old-school bully and an old supervisor at Waitrose got an old supervisor at Waitrose okay it an old supervisor at Waitrose. Okay. It's good because you've got, like,

annoying bully being mean for no reason or just gone so far the other way it's kind of annoying that he's that different now and then just, like, petty supervisor just getting on your nerves all the time. So you've got a good melting pot already. I'm curious to see who the third person's going to be joining you. Who's the third person going to be? I was in the background of an old Scottish,

like, the year is... William Wallace. You know, like, filming this BBC thing just outside of Glasgow. And I was in the background of it. And there was I forget their job title but there was an official person in a suit and I would like to bring her

I don't know her name but her name is Jenny O'Loughlin I don't know who her name was but I didn't really like her she I was enjoying it we were all like dressed up and like old you know all these haggard hairy unemployed people being like oh we are from

braveheart and we're like yeah and um this woman jenny loughlin came up to me one day and was like stuart can we have a word with you i thought oh cool she's gonna make me a superstar and then she took me outside and she was like we think you're high and we want you to leave and we noticed you've been having like a nap and you just keep going for little walks by yourself and stuff and uh i was like no no no like i'm i'm not i wasn't i was just like no no no no no she was like i'm asking you to leave now, and then I just, like, ripped off all my Scottish stuff and threw them on the floor, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, and then she was like, I actually said to someone else, and they were like, yeah, just let him stay, like, there's nothing on him,

and then, and then, one of the actor's girlfriends went into labour, and had a baby very fast, and the baby is absolutely fine, but he had to leave. And I replaced this guy. She had to come up to me and be like, I know you're a fucking drug addict, but it pains me to say this, can you be this guy? And then I was the guy, and then now I'm doing acting, and yay, but I should really really happy with this Jenny. Well, yeah, but if she had her way, you wouldn't have got your break.

I wouldn't have got my break. You wouldn't have got your fucking break. No, I wouldn't be here. Yes, exactly. I'd be in the house. So it's that old suspicious Jenny there, accusing you of being a drug addict, when you're just representing your country in the truest way possible

what just pretending to be in the cast of Braveheart is this a Scottish thing I thought you were saying that my country is full of drug addicts no no no

no no I meant because it was like you being an extra in Braveheart seems like you know oh yeah yeah incredible

you know like the stereotypically most Scottish thing you could do yeah fair enough you know like the stereotypically most Scottish thing you could do yeah fair enough you know at that moment and she's trying to

nip that in the bud and just get you out of there yeah and if the I also think like unless you're like being disruptive

or falling asleep whilst they're shooting like why does it matter like if you can get on with the job they don't kind of think it's alright we had to just

sit there for hours in the rain and be like, rah, we hate English, rah. Drugs would have been amazing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. The Vikings were all on drugs.

The Vikings were all on drugs. It was that kind of vibe. Just out of shape, sweaty, stinking. It was a wonderful time, but... But, yeah. Stone cold sober. Yeah, but if Jenny had had her way, she would have... Out in your ear, mate.

Where would that be? Would we even be recording this? We would be recording, no. Would you have had all those parts that you've had? No. I've had an illustrious career. Please look me up. Thank you.

Abby and Waitrose having a nice time well not that nice though because you're being told to shave all the time oh yeah and your middle aged friends are tearing against you because you're

working for the man yeah oh yeah so I think what we've got here we've got an islander of just like I mean two people

are quite petty one of them's a bully i mean they're just people that have you know they're having to go at you for not much reason basically you know poor stuart just wants to be left alone on the island yeah and you've got all these around you so i think you've got the makings of a lot of animosity they're building yeah that sums up very well and i think the thing is because they're all quite petty they're either going to love each other and only turn on you, or they're going to be nitpicking each other,

because you quite like keeping the peace. You're probably going to start intervening between them as well. It's just, yeah, it's awkward, man. Which is exactly what it's supposed to be. Oh, it would be because Henry wouldn't like John Johnson. He just wouldn't. And then, I've forgotten all the names. Jenny.

Jenny, thank you. Jenny. Jenny. Oh, Jenny and Henry would have gotten really well. Do you reckon? Yeah, shit. Maybe, you know, a blossoming friendship. But it might be an empowerment struggle.

Oh, yeah, because I think Jenny is an absolute cunt. And she's got that kind of attitude. Maybe she was having a bad day. God bless her. Or maybe she's just not a nice person. Yeah. You know when someone, either life has been awful to you or it's none of my business or whatever.

But like, wow, you're someone's child. You're just running around being an absolute doofus man yeah yeah well look i think we've got a good solid foundation of people that are going to wind you up and like we've all met these sort of people they're like petty annoying mean people are like and especially when it's over things that don't really matter that much it's like yeah let's all just move on with our lives and like just stop about with these tiny little things i think it's solid stuart we're going to move on to the next section okay because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and

drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad uh falafel and piss is that right they're good so i'll do it yeah it came to mind i mean i was gonna say i think piss is probably something you might end up drinking but i don't know if it's like a popular drink i mean i don't have a lot of taste buds right i've got brain damage right and because of that uh show's going to go dark uh oh turn it over turn it over I don't have a lot of taste buds

I'll give you a piss then I'll let you have a piss Trish is probably everything just is a very tapered down version of what it was so I'll eat anything man well we're all going to be eating falafels and piss we can understand why a very tapered down version of what it was. So I'll eat anything, man. Fair enough.

Well, we're all going to be eating falafels and piss. Okay, well, look, we can understand why piss is a bad choice for you to drink on the island, but what have you got against falafels? I don't like it. I feel like since this surgery that I had, I feel like everybody who talks about food has just ran out of chat. You know what I mean?

People always try to chat to me about food and i feel like such a an absolute mug because i'm like this is fucking dull and they're like let's go out and spend 50 pounds on a meal and i'm like are you joking but i just feel like stuff that you're stuffing it's just stuff that i'm putting in my mouth but yeah falafel i don't even know what falafel is. I just... It's made of chickpeas, I think, isn't it? It's like something, and I don't like it. And then I went to a restaurant,

and someone went, you've got to try the falafel. And I was like, why am I at a fucking restaurant, given all that I've told you? And then, but I've got to be sociable. And then people want to hang out

in their fucking restaurant. And then I had this falafel, and it was really nice. But yeah, everyone just tastes good. I wouldn't like to drink spirits constantly no I mean piss is a pretty good bad drink to have on the island I also drank piss loads growing up like people pure taking the mick really yeah you never had that before no someone made you drink piss and then they went oh i don't think so what like secret like pissing in your glass and then you didn't yeah yeah yeah it's drunk the piss or they hand

you like a bottle that's fully covered and you're like oh thank you so much for giving me the bottle of juice no i didn't have it what are you talking what school did you go to did you go to school and like tell it to be land or something i feel like it now because i wasn't bullied or drinking piss so ah like no my school was like it wasn't like welcome to glasgow my school was like pretty like i had a actually quite nice time in school other than some instance the piss apart from all the piss and that jogging incident it was yeah it was actually no yeah like it was it was all right but you never drank pit i feel like everybody's drunk piss really i mean like i feel like if we were to go outside and take a straw poll on the street,

I reckon I'd probably come out on the side with the host. Should we do it? Well, look, let's do it after this, and we'll report back as a little addendum on the end of the podcast. By the way, 90% of people haven't drunk piss. Oh, what? You think 90% of people have drunk piss? I just feel like on a pure like seven or eight occasions

growing up or more someone went would you like a bottle of juice and I went really thanks so much and then I was like and I was so I was like oh fine I bet someone likes me hello new and then I'm like oh it's piss and they were like nah and then for two months they were like you know piss and then that was it wow well i haven't had it but i mean it does sort of justify your drink choice a bit more because it's not just like it is i mean i've drunk a number of times i don't want to drink it ever again no but you're gonna want this island and and look let's and falafel i mean i have had falafel i've enjoyed them but hell that can be a dry boring thing to get through can't it i mean it's like

preach if you don't have all the good bits around it yeah you know all the sauces and nice like you know salads and stuff i mean basically if you were going to remove one of the things from a falafel and make it still nice probably the falafel's the bit you could get rid of, I reckon, and it would still be, like, nice. Do you know what I mean? Because I think if you took out other veg and stuff and left the falafel in,

it would be harder to eat. Yeah, because I used to get falafel at Tesco and I was like, falafel? Oh, I've heard about falafel. I'm a bit of a cultured turkey. I'll get some falafel. And I was like, what is this? That was my experience with falafel. Pass me the piss. I'm gonna wash this down. Give me that empty bottle.

I'll make my own. Okay well I think falafel and piss is um I mean it's a bad meal Stuart so I think it's not a bad choice for the island. Thank you. Fair enough. Okay. All right, well, look, thankfully you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Oh, my least favourite song. I just just like all songs you know what i mean the song a song just to hear for eternity um i'd quite like to hear come on eileen because i love it but i'd quite like to see what it was like on repeat. You know what I mean? Do you know what's really weird? Because the last couple of weeks I've had it really stuck in my head.

So I've been living this reality for a year and it's really annoying. Yeah. It's really annoying. I mean any song for repeat for a long time. But you like it to start with. Oh I love it. I put it on every now and then and I just go wow what a tune. So I mean that's the other end of it, isn't it?

Like, you can start with a song you hate and just hope that you grow used to it and don't hear it anymore. But maybe it's the worst ever song that you love just being destroyed steadily. I imagine you're going through hell because I can't even kind of remember any other lyrics other than, come on. I don't think I know any of the lyrics apart from that, really. Because generally you're pissed when it comes on. It's always like at a wedding or something isn't it Are there any other lyrics Yeah there are

Yeah So yeah Come on Eileen For that Worst ever television show They filmed Babe Station in my house Really Yeah

And that was my first For way for way I don't know this word is for a right is that what there's other words hello thank you like is that what free or Roshi comes from I think that's a different way okay I'm in England hey now listen we don't drink piss down here anymore we eat for a rush and have a foray it was my first foray into a touching myself was babe station and and now i live in the place that they filmed it so it's like the world has come full circle yeah um or my world at least and yeah so what

was Babe Station my least favourite show no it's not well it can be a film as well I was bringing why was I bringing up Babe Station

they also filmed The Big Breakfast next door oh and they created plastic like two streets away from that I know

god the heritage the heritage where you live is just heritage it's just dripping with heritage the thing that is destroying the world and babe station right but babe station wouldn't be my worst show hell to watch on repeat would be a lot of scottish daytime tv i grew up on okay which i'm actually very nostalgic about and like enjoyed for it and i'm obviously very pro scotland and and all this stuff but it was that kind of like hello hi and welcome to Like Can he believe it So like a sort of like This morning but a Scottish equivalent

Just like little Documentaries or whatever That were like you know Factual TV programmes that just felt very Condescending and like Well everybody at home is an absolute fucking idiot So I'm going to talk to you like you are you are an absolute, with a little smile and a little, like. So kind of like those programs you get when you're at school,

but for grown-ups. Yeah. It's like, what can we find in the pond today? Oh, you'll never guess what's happening in Partick. Wee, Jenny McKinney's got a bake shop. Then Jenny McKinney's there, and she's like, I need to fucking do this for the money. You know what I mean

and everyone it's just this kind of like personalityless like yeah like slimy just like

perfect teeth hi I'm the worst guy at school yeah and it feels like the presenter always basically hates the people

like this is a stepping stone to a better career yeah yeah yeah I can't stand you but don't touch me you know like the stops rolling it's like don't touch me i'm not gonna eat one of your fucking cakes exactly and everybody's at home everybody home is like i know your career is going nowhere yeah and that's where any enjoyment comes from i mean

even those sort of programs even watch for me sorry even those programmers that like when they're at their most well-made and like you know the best version of themselves are still quite annoying i find you know like i think if i was at home all day especially now it's weird because you can watch fucking anything so it's like why are you still sitting at home watching this morning like you could watch like any good programs you want pretty much do you know what i mean it's like oh I'm a housewife you know a house husband my little one's having a nap got a couple of hours to sit down why are you watching like this morning? I think it's the ritualness of it I guess. I suppose but like you could watch like just start a box set or something yeah you could watch the Godfather or whatever anything right yeah you know so it feels that you'd like, that those programs still exist or serve any kind of purpose. To be fair, I am desperate for a career in the entertainment business. I would love to be this morning.

No, but I think it would be... And people, like, every day, they're like, well, I'm going to sit in the kitchen and I'm going to be in the background, like, just the opposite of what I've just described. I mean, like, these guys with their high voices and their smiles. Stop smiling! But I think it would be more fun presenting it than like watching it. At least if you're presenting it, you're doing something, you're meeting people, they might be quite boring, but you're probably having a bit of a laugh while you're doing it.

Whereas if you're like watching just that and it's like, have you ever wondered how drinking water gets into your home? Yeah. Well after the break,'re gonna be taking around a local reservoir Yeah, I can watching that. I cannot be asked changing the channel. Yeah For all this. Oh, yeah, just oh no, but actually this morning or whatever would be perfect because it changes every day Mmm, and you're not getting a realistic idea of what's happening. So you're just like Imagine like all of you sort of sitting sitting there trying to make what they're doing. Sort of like, I haven't got the ingredients for this flan. I'll just use sand and coconuts again.

And it turns out the way it looks. It's fucking falafel. Yeah. I mean, making a pretend falafel out of sand, I mean, it's not that far away from the sort of texture of it so maybe that would be okay but yeah so come on Eileen and like a sort of

daytime Scottish this morning type show yeah okay well yeah that's definitely not the sort of thing you want to see smiling back at you for eternity oh no for eternity when I'm hanging out with John Johnson and yeah goodness no um so yeah change that throw that in the sea just stick on what else is on the television. I mean that's a good choice though

because you would hate it right? Oh yeah but I want this to be a kind of fun hell where actually I become best friends with Henry from Waitrose not like a hell hell. Yeah but I think you've got to aim torose. Not like a hell hell. Yeah, but I think you've got to aim to start it off as a hell, haven't you? And then how you work it off. And then I get fucking, what do you call it? Stockholm Syndrome with this absolute fucking worst cunt presenter person. Oh, God. Yeah, you're right.

And it's cool. You are making me a more bitter person. You're welcome. God bless. That's what I do. You've got to love what you do, Stuart. Thanks. I it's cool. You are making me a more bitter person. You're welcome. God bless. That's what I do. You've got to love what you do, Stuart. Thanks. We'll leave you angry.

All right. Well, look, don't worry because we're nearly done. Okay. But before we finish, I've got to ask. The island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh, a mouse. A mouse. Okay. Overrun with mice that would be bad yeah

have you got history with mice do they annoy you are you scared of mice oh pigeons actually fuck it okay the mice of the sky um when mice is too on the nose everybody doesn't like mice uh when this is just a cute anecdote, I always tell this and then I'm midway through telling it and then I go actually this isn't funny and so I don't know why I'm saving it for your podcast. At the end, last day of school, of primary school, no last day of secondary school, the children from the primary school, I don't know what do you call it in England? Primary school, well the little school. Yeah yeah yeah. From like sort of four to ten, yeah.

Hi. Primary school, yeah. We're all the same. Yeah. There it is. You and I aren't so different after all. We aren't so different after all, though, you and I. Wow.

I'm feeling better now. Hi, primary school, they were all coming up to secondary school, and then they were looking at me, and I was like, I had a cardigan on uh it was pretty like pretty pretty sick wearing a cardigan thinking i'm pretty cool like it was of the time and i was thinking pretty highly of myself for that minute think this kid's looking at me like he's the coolest kid in school and then this pigeon comes out of nowhere and i freak out and i smash into a bin and then the bin falls over and i was like i hate pigeons yeah but other than that pretty cool ruined my vibe that day spilt your piss everywhere spill my piss i was like i'm gonna go home and drink some and then

yeah ruin my vibe. Other than that, all animals, pretty chill. Okay. Pretty nice. But being surrounded by pigeons, I think like... Oh, yeah, imagine being surrounded by pigeons. Yeah, because I've got no problem with them. But I think any animal en masse becomes like a different thing. You know what I mean?

Like, I was feeding the ducks in the park with my kids, but like the pigeons are wise to it, you know, obviously. So as soon as you throw like a grain of food onto the ground for the ducks in the park with my kids, but the pigeons are wise to it, you know, obviously. So as soon as you throw a grain of food onto the ground for the ducks, it's like fucking pigeons all over you, covering you. And it's sort of like, you know, I wouldn't mind that much, but you're sort of all over my kids and they're getting freaked out. And you're like, yeah, this isn't fun anymore.

So just imagine that all the time. You're trying to eat your falafel. Yeah. And all the pigeons come. I'd bring my children to the island i don't have any children uh but yeah imagine that the pigeons eat my falafel and those cunts that are with me god this sounds actually i'm watching this absolute wank shaft on fucking thingy who was being mildly inappropriate with me yeah fucking not cool no not cool but look i mean the reaction i'm getting from you only serves to to prove what a good job you've done

here today stuart because you're deeply uncomfortable with the island that you have created which proves it is the worst island full of the worst people and things that you could imagine so you have nailed the brief and now I have no more questions for you, except to ask what you're up to at the minute, because, well, I know the answer. You're going to Edinburgh, but let's talk about that. Yeah, sure. I have a one-man, one-hour stand-up comedy show

in the South Seder pub at five past two every day during the Edinburgh Fringe. It's a PBH free fringe show and it's fucking brilliant. Great. Yeah. So there you go. So if you're in Edinburgh,

you're at the Fringe. You've seen the show, Dan. I've seen it. I've seen it work in progress. You saw it in my living room. Yeah. Could you please describe the show? No, you don't have to come see the show

you'll see the show it's good I would absolutely recommend it I think I'm not going to cheapen the experience with my words

but I think it's worth no because you know when you're like if you want me to explain I might say something you're like oh I hate when people call it that

but it is very good and I can't wait to see it I love seeing works in progress because I like seeing where it starts from where it gets to

so I'm looking forward to seeing it again and seeing what the finished article is so yeah but for all of you in Edinburgh go and check it out

every day except Tuesdays it's my day off fair enough but every other day please come it'll be amazing good yeah

alright cool mate thanks for coming on Desert Island. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me, mate. I appreciate that a lot. No worries.

Magic. So there you go. As I said, Stuart's in Edinburgh all this month of August. If you're listening now and it's August and you're in Edinburgh, then put those things together and get yourself along to his show. That's it for this week. We'll be back with more. We might even be back with more this week.

It depends how quick we are with the editing of stuff. But as always, Desert Island Dicks has been a Sink Clap production. It was created and produced by James Deacon, produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. We occasionally get editing support from Chris Attaway, but he didn't edit this one because he's otherwise engaged. And that is absolutely fine because we're an easygoing bunch here at Desert Island Dicks Towers.

Not that such a place exists. And finally, as always, a big shout out to Mr John Deacon for being a lovely man. That's it, I think. So we'll be back very soon. I hope your week is free of dicks apart from the ones that you listen to on this podcast.

Okay, bye bye.