Desert Island Dicks - SUKH OJLA

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

For this week's podcast I'm joined by actress, writer and comedian, Sukh Ojla. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actress and comedian Sook Odsla. Hello. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm really good. I was really excited. I know.

I probably overshot my mark there. No, it's nice. Welcome. Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. Yeah. As always, let's dive in.

Yes. Who's going to be your first person? First person is going to be Carol Vorderman. Carol Vorderman. Vorders. I know. And do you know what? No, do you know what?

I'm not guilty. I don't feel guilty about this at all. But everybody used to, I remember coming home and watching Countdown after school. And I loved the wordy part of it. You know, making your words out of the letters. Yes. And I just, she just comes across as such a smug cow and i don't know if it's because i was in the intermediate class for maths at school it's a big deal when you go to a

grammar school because you're treated like a dunce um they're like the highest mark you can get is a b it's like right you know until about 2008 i thought i was really stupid because i went to a grammar school anyway yeah oh my. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's only when you start talking to people and they go, oh, I got like a D in maths. I'm like, I was made to feel bad because I got a B. Oh, my God. Anyway, so I don't know if it's because I hated maths or if I was quite jealous of her

being able to do multiplication like quite easily or what have you. Or because I just, I found her so annoying. And then there was a time in every time you'd open one of those crappy magazines like Heat or whatever everybody would be like

oh but look at Carol Vorderman isn't she really hot and I'd be like no she's not no I don't she's not but no the people did she was yeah

voted like oh she's like the thinking man's crumpet or whatever oh yeah I know do you remember this and the whole world had gone mad

people loved Carol Vorderman. Yes. I cannot stand her. So she really used to annoy you. Yeah, and she'd be so annoying on a desert island. Yeah, I think she would. Well, she was in the jungle, right? Oh, was she?

Didn't she go in? Did she go in the jungle? I'll be honest, the jungle's the only reality TV programme that I don't watch. Okay, right. I'm afraid. Love that I don't watch. Okay, right. I'm afraid. Love Island, I'm there. Yeah, okay. Jungle, you can fuck off. She's less likely

to be on the... She's less likely to be on Love Island, yes. Because you've got to be 21. And have tits around your ears. You do, and you have to have 3 million Instagram followers. Yeah, at least. Or something ridiculous.

Carol Vorderman. I don't remember her ever annoying me that much, but I definitely see where you're coming from. Yeah. How do you feel about her replacement, Rachel Riley? See, then I just stopped watching it. Okay, so you're not interested? No, just not interested.

See, that's what she did. She lost Countdown. Valuable viewers. That's how annoying she was. And I loved the guy. He died, right? He did, yeah. Richard Whitehouse.

Do you want me to look it up? No, it's fine. I'm going to say it's Richard Whitehouse. Yeah. He looked like a Richard. Yes, yeah. Sweet, lovely guy. And then the camera would pan to borders I'm going to say it's Richard Whitehouse. Yeah. He looked like a Richard. Yes. Yeah. Sweet, lovely guy.

And then the camera would pan to borders and I'd be like, oh, what a prick. Do you think? Yes. There's a smugness. Yes. Definitely with her little pencil cut dresses and her maths and her big pen. Did she have a big pen? Yes.

Did she? It might just be in a Sharpie, I don't know. I don't know. So you like the word, you like doing the words, but less so the maths. Yeah, probably a lot more to do with me and my own issue with mental arithmetic. I always struggle with that bit. Yes, I think if you're really good at mental arithmetic, there's something wrong you i do i'm just gonna say it yeah might be a slightly divisive statement but i think any normal interesting person can't do mental arithmetic that well because their brain

is too full of interesting facts about things or yes okay quips quips. Quips! Is that to replace this mental arithmetic? Yes. Quips, yes. Carol Vorderman, yes, okay. An interesting choice. I must say that I feel like I've always been indifferent

about Carol Vorderman and I don't think she's ever annoyed me. I do sort of recall her being a massive part of my childhood but I don't remember why. I feel like at one point she was just everywhere. Yeah, she was. She was a massive part of pop culture,

and just for being on Countdown. Yes, I don't think she did anything else. Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it, actually, how that can be. But who decided? Who sat down and went, right, OK, the Sugar Babes have changed their line-up for the 58th time. Yeah. Who can we talk about now?

I know, Carol Vorderman. I know. It's mad, isn't it? Did she just have a really good PR agent? I don't know. I think there was just less channels. Yes, that might be. We had four channels, didn't we?

Oh, you probably don't remember that, do you? Yeah. Remember four channels? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I think I remember Channel 5 being launched. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I think I remember Channel 5 being launched. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, nice. Okay. Okay, Carol Vorderman. I think, did you say she's the thinking man's prophet? I remember that phrase. I used to be obsessed with magazines. As a teenager, I used to read all of the magazines.

And that was the phrase that was used back in 2000 and 2000 probably yeah it was wonder who coined that thinking yeah awful didn't someone um didn't someone before this we were talking about desert island discs right now lauren laverne presents desert i'm not sure who said it but didn't someone get in trouble for saying lauren laverne was the the crumpet man's thinker which i think is just brilliant i love love the plain words, but what does that mean? I don't actually know. I just think it's great. I just think whoever swapped it around is, yeah.

Anyway, I think they got in trouble for that. So I may or may not leave that in the podcast after I've done a deep Google. If that's an ongoing court case, then I will do that. If not, I'll leave all of this in. Yeah, great. Might be a very short podcast. Yes, I think you're right. So thank you, great. Might be a very short podcast. Yes. I think you're right.

So, thank you so much. Carol Vorderman is going to be your first choice. Yes. Unless there's anything else on Carol Vorderman? No, I think that's about it. Okay. Yeah, I definitely feel calmer now. I've got all that off my chest.

That's Carol Vorderman. And who's going to be your second choice? Anna Kendrick. Anna Kendrick. Now, this is an interesting one to me. As soon as I googled Anna Kendrick, I knew exactly who Anna Kendrick was. But you didn't know before, did you? I don't think so, no.

Go on. That's not, by the way, that's not why I don't like her. Okay. Anna Kendrick has a face that I really want to punch. Really? Why? I want to punch her in the face with a chair. Really? Yeah. Wow. why i just i want to punch her in the face like with a chair really yeah yeah yeah like a proper hefty like wooden dining chair not like a collapsible number not like a deck chair

like she really i don't know what it is this is probably not gonna make for very good listening because i don't even know what it is that annoys me about her that happens sometimes it does doesn't it i wonder what that is maybe she reminds me do you know what it is go on anna kendrick looks like those girls that i went to secondary school with that would pretend to be your friend oh for like on day one or like for the first couple of days and then you'd go and sit next to them in the canteen at lunchtime and they'd be like uh what do you think you're doing really that kind of turnaround and she has that written all over her yeah she's got snide bitch written all over her face she wow anna kendrick and you know what i watched no shame i'm gonna

say it um i watched all of the twilight movies okay nice and i thought she was good in them okay but then i realized that that's just because she was playing her annoying self and she was acting opposite people who had all the charisma of a snotty tissue so maybe that's why she was really good and then i watched pitch perfect because i thought well you know i quite like this premise for a film it's like you know quite kind of female led. Yeah. Awful. Hate her. Can't stand her. Even when I see her on the side of a bus, she makes me so angry.

Like she actually warms me up. Wow. Like it's so much anger that it actually eats me up. Oh my God. I don't know if that much venom has been spoken about someone without actually knowing exactly why. No idea why. No, it's just because of her face. I'm not ashamed to say that I am this petty.

Oh my, Anna Kendrick. Interesting. But, and also because some of the men that I've spoken to about this have said that they really fancy her. Why? Interesting. They're like, oh, she's really talented

and she's really beautiful. I'm like, really? Oh, that. They're like, oh, she's really talented and she's really beautiful. I'm like, really? Oh, that's quite cutting. Anna Kendrick, wow. I don't know. Okay, so do you think Pitch Perfect, should she have not been in it, would be your type of film? No, because Rebel Wilson was in it and was doing that whole kind of,

oh, yeah, I'm really fat, so that's really funny. That's a good impression. No, that's not on me. Okay, yeah. Let's move on. We're not doing that. Okay, yeah. So maybe the whole film was problematic.

Right, okay. Anna Kendrick. I mean, I don't know. You probably don't know. There's probably not enough to kind of say about her. No, she was on TV and something the other day, I'm sure.

And I was thinking hmm this is interesting it's quite wooden I'd say it's quite wooden there's not a lot going on yeah and I feel like she's just playing herself

hmm just really annoying bratty American so it brings back memories of maybe school

yeah or a type of person at school yeah it's just got that kind of pinched face. And I think girls will know what I'm talking about. Okay.

I'm interested to hear. Yeah, there's a bitchy face phenomenon. When people connect with that, they often get in touch via social media. Do they? Yeah, tweet us, let us know. Wow, it will happen. It will happen.

You might not want it to, but it's going to happen. No I just I know that I only know one other person who can't stand her that's my friend Alex. Okay who brought it up first? Oh I don't know but I remember having a conversation with her that went on far too long about Anna Kendrick.

Anna Kendrick I feel like I've said her name a lot and now it doesn't make any sense It doesn't Do you know what I mean? Once you've gone too deep She's massive though right? So there must be

something going on She's very famous Oh she's just vapid though It's like Why? Do you think Can she sing? Is that what it is?

Can she sing? I'm assuming she was in Pitch Perfect Oh you didn't watch it Oh you watched some of it Well no but i'm assuming because she was in pitch perfect that she can sing right okay yeah i've blocked a lot of that film out of my memory yeah okay um maybe it's that but i don't find her particularly charming either even made myself sit through an interview with her and made it to about 40 seconds.

Did you? You just gave up? I just gave up because I thought she's, I can't, I just felt so wrong. What films do you love? What films do I love?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Wow, you put me on the spot here so I'm just going to say the first thing that came into my head. Go. Normally I censor myself because I'm also an actress as well

and I feel like I should like really, I love films. I love anything with Jason Statham in it. Do you? I know you didn't expect me to say that. No, I didn't. I will watch Jason Statham all day long

and not because of the way he looks, although that certainly helps. I love really formulaic films. So Jason Statham, I find his films quite soothing because I know what's going to happen. I know that he's going to be playing this outcast with a violent past, possibly, you know, ex-army,

ex-SAS, whatever. And then he's going to be sent on a quest somehow. Probably not, probably a mission. A mission's probably better. Yeah, so he's gonna be sent on this mission and then he's gonna meet at least one beautiful lady but oh it's jason statham and he can't love anymore because he lost someone when he was really young and now he just can't give himself like that to anyone but then they sleep together anyway because yeah this is basically

every man and then yeah and then he does the mission and then he like you know I was going to say beats off but like fends off

that's a different show he fends off he may do in that film doesn't he in that film where he has to

keep his heart right up I'm sure he does beat off yeah see that I don't like no that I feel like is making a mockery of the genre.

Really? Yeah. That's such a world-class genre. I mean, those films sell well, don't they? Yes, they do. And don't blame me for liking them, but let me put you in a scenario here, right? Statham is in a film and it's like tipped people are like wow

he's really made the genre good anna kendrick is the co-star oh god what what do you do are you going to watch that film no it's your favorite you clearly love that type of film is it more like crank or is it more like transporter or is it more like Transporter? What's your favourite? Oh, fuck you. The Transporter. Oh, shit. This is like Sophie's Choice. But harder.

But harder. I will watch it, but I won't watch it in a cinema. Okay. I will watch it and then I'm going to watch it on mute with subtitles on so we don't have to listen to a bloody voice There you go, that bad then. But also that's how much I love the Stace. You need to see

him in action Oh I think there's a, there's almost a podcast in that, you watching all of Jason Statham's film with the sound off Yes! Doing the commentary And he's brilliant. Can I just say It's almost a podcast in that you watching all of Jason Statham's film with the sound off. Yes. Doing the commentary. And he's brilliant.

Can I just say, Jason Statham, I've got a lot of respect for the man because he never really attempts to do a different accent. Like, it doesn't matter who the character is. He's like, no, I'm sticking with this accent. Or sometimes he'll attempt it and then halfway through the film, you can tell the director's just given up. Okay. But there's like a certain type of film, you can tell the director's just given up. Okay. But there's like a certain type of film that only Jason Statham's going to be in. It's true, yeah. Like, who else? Like, who is his competition?

Yes. Who else could pull off their genre? I'm just trying. No, I mean, that was poor. That was piss poor. I'm very sorry. Full marks for trying. Again, maybe was poor. That was poor. I'm very sorry. Full marks for trying. Again, maybe.

Okay, Anna Kendrick. I feel like you fully justified Anna Kendrick. And thank you very much, Sook. And who's going to be the third choice? Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls.

I don't know if it's Bear Grylls or Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls. That's continuity, isn't it? Either way, cannot stand him. Now, I was a bit conflicted about this because I thought maybe he'll be quite a good person to have on a desert island because of his survivally background.

Yes. But he'd be so annoying. I'd probably kill him in his sleep. You bet he would. Yeah yeah he'd be too busy telling me what to do or like drinking his own wee or like going mountain climbing and i'd be like fuck off bear i just want to read a book like yeah i mean all my life i've wanted everyone to leave me alone yes and now this is where i am exactly Exactly. Okay. Bear Grylls. I find him really annoying. Yes.

Frustrating, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Super annoying. Yeah. And now he's got another show. Has he? Yeah. It's like Celebrities with Bear or something.

Or Bear Celebrities. I don't know what it is. But it's one of those where he takes people wild camping or survivaling or whatever it is. I know that's not a word. I feel like what's happened there is Bear's gotten quite famous. Yes. But doesn't have any famous friends. Right?

And so what he's decided is he would devise a format where he can meet really famous people and then keep their numbers and then every now and again he can invite them around for like an awkward dinner. Yes. Maybe. Where he straps them to a chair and then it's like oh you're not going to be able to get out of this yeah how's your coco van how's your coco van

also i don't feel like he really needs the money now does he to do this no i don't think so i'm pretty sure that he comes from a fairly privileged background as well i'd say he probably didn't need the money to start with yeah but you're right. So fuck off off my screens with your combat trousers. I hate it in the island with Bear Grylls which I haven't watched since the second series. The first one I really liked.

The second one I was like maybe the format is tired already. And now they're on their like fourth or fifth and you're thinking but... Is that celebrities or normal people? Celebrities. Oh. I think it's just celebrities, right?

Or maybe they do the Celebrity Island. Oh. No, no, no. Sorry. Are you confusing things? Yeah, no. I'm just actually thinking. And when I think, no, there is one with regular people and celebrities

and as soon as they did the second celebrity one that's when it became tired one with everyday people i think is still fine i haven't watched one in a while i imagine it's fine but i would watch one if i remember to watch it um but he but what i do like is just seeing different people from society that you walk past in the street every day and seeing them on an island starving. That's how you get your kids. No, having to deal with each other is what I meant to say. Yes, of course.

And being like, oh, actually, you know, I never would have thought we would get on, but actually we get on. So more of a social experiment. A social experiment. Pavlov's on, but actually we get on. So more of a social experiment. A social experiment. Pavlov's dogs, but with humans. Maybe. But what I don't like about it is Bear Grylls is in it

at the beginning and the end, and he sets it up, and he goes to the island and tells them what they've done right and wrong and being like, oh, great, you built a shelter. But he does these VTs in the middle where he's like he's clearly just gone there in one day and filmed all the vts see lazy we can add lazy to the lazy but what he does for them is he like sweat they make him look sweaty and like makes him a bit dirty and stuff and so it looks like he's been on the island but he hasn't he's sitting in a studio in twickenham. Yeah, or something like that. Oh, gosh.

Or they've just taken him to an island for a day. So he's not even on the island the whole time? No, he isn't, no. So why does it need to be on the island with Bear Grylls? I don't know. Or Bear Grylls Island, or whatever it's called. You know, because he's like the survival guy. He drinks his own wee and he lives inside an animal or something.

Do you know what I mean? But he probably lives in bloody Hampstead or something absolutely and um so he literally just turns up and says right

you've built that shelter wrong yeah at the end he'll just be like he'll just turn up and be like oh well done for building a shelter but you know

you could have done it much better well why don't you stay here and earn your money bear yeah exactly yeah I know joker right Bear Grylls um devil's advocate right done it much better. Well, why don't you stay here and earn your money, Bear? Yeah, exactly, yeah. I know. Joker. Right. Bear Grylls.

Devil's Advocate, right? He might keep you alive for a minute. I don't think he would. No? No. Okay. I honestly don't think he would. Do you not? I think he'd turn up on the first day and then he'd fuck off and be like, by the way, this is my new show.

Sucks in trouble. Hidden cameras everywhere. Just filming you. Oh, no. I'd be all right as long as I had fresh water, I think. Fresh water?

Yeah. Okay. Because I think you can survive on that. Yeah. For a bit. And then obviously like a couple of snacks or whatever. Yeah, you would need some snacks.

Probably need some snacks. I think some snacks. And Wi-Fi. But then I'll be be fine and as we established earlier maybe a smart tv yeah um okay bear grills what else about bear grills i mean uh i imagine he's got massive ego yeah absolutely i mean he's gotten pretty famous out of doing the same thing over and over again. Yeah. And I also get a feeling that he's not very charitable. I think he's got one of those faces.

I mean, that is so hard. I don't mean in a kind of, like, I'm sure he's, I don't know, got a monthly direct debit to Amnesty International or whatever. But I think that if you were to meet him on the street and be like, oh, mate, I'm really struggling, you know, lend us a pound, you probably wouldn't. That is so harsh. I think he's got...

That is so harsh. I know it's a bit specific, but I do. I think he's got that kind of sweaty smugness about him, which, as we now know, is all makeup. He doesn't even sweat. See? It's a sign of a psychopath. Yeah.

I think he's... I'm trying to think. I'm trying to make a pun on the Crumpet Man's thinker. But I think he's just like the non-thinking man's Ray Mears. I don't know. See, Ray Mears. Yes, that I'd be interested in. You know.

All day long. Yeah. I'd learn something then. Brilliant. It's not all about him. I imagine, actually, that Bear Grylls was sat at home watching Ray Mears thinking, I could take this to Channel 5.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Something like that. And I think because, I suppose, objectively speaking, he is good looking. Yes. I mean? Yeah. Something like that. And I think because I suppose objectively speaking he is good looking. Yes. I suppose. Yeah, he is. And I think I did find him attractive when he was first on

telly years ago. Okay. And I was like, oh then I thought, oh no, you're just really annoying. Ah. Maybe there's added disappointment on your part as well. Yeah, possibly. Not really, it much for picking bear girls yeah these are all people who i feel have wronged me in the past yeah in some way or another um oh yeah um hmm maybe there's something much deeper about these choices than face value

you know a lot of childhood stuff there there is isn't there? Carol Vorderman and my inability to do monthly arithmetic. Yes. Anna Kendrick and all the pictures I went to school with and then Bear Grylls and some kind of rejection Oh my god Did you think of that before this moment in time? No I didn't. Interesting

Okay I think that's the perfect moment to leave Bear Grylls on the island Okay Bear Grylls is going to be a third choice. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements,

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n-ads.com um now mercifully among the records of the plane there's some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world i'm very sorry what are they and why are they so bad um muscles food. Food is going to be mussels? Yeah. Interesting. Okay.

And I know that I'll probably have to end up eating them because we're by the sea and should probably eat, there's probably going to be plentiful seafood. Crustaceans or whatever. But what, even the word just makes me heave. Mussels, I don't get it. I don't get the thing about mussels. They're just little bits of sea snot in a little handbag.

They're just really weird. They are weird. And the texture is gross. I can't even bear to watch people eat them. And I've just been on holiday to Lanzarote where it's an island, really, really good seafood. No, I would not do it. And when people dress it up as, oh, more frites. I'm like, oh, fuck off.

I'll just have double frites, thanks. I just don't see the point. Or like when you can see people eat them and then they've just got this whole mound of shells and then they're like mopping up the liquid that they've excreted with bits of bread. And I just, honestly, I think I've just like... Do you feel a bit sick?

I feel a bit sick. I can't talk about it. I've got some bile come up in my mouth. Well, to add to that bile, so have you eaten them? No. Or is it just... No, and then I had an allergy test done last year

because I'm middle class like that now. And she said, oh, muscle, you're allergic to muscles. Really? Yeah. But then you're allergic to muscles. Really? Yeah. But then you had contempt for muscles before. Previously, yeah. Massive contempt, yeah.

And the people who eat them. And so from that, you found out that had you actually tried them. It wasn't going to be fatal. I think I probably would have, I don't know, got a... A rash? A rash, yes. I don't know, got a rash. A rash, yes. I don't know. Yeah, probably.

Or some kind of swelling. Yeah. I don't know what you get. What do you get? I don't know. She said it's just a slight, yeah, probably like a rash or something. Something. Something skin related, I think.

Okay, but you've never tried them? No. No intention? I'm also not a fan of seafood in general. Right, okay. Yeah. I thought I could eat calamari, and then I went on holiday, and I was like, great, some really fresh calamari.

But the texture was like, it was like human flesh. It's all like, what I imagine human flesh to be like. And then I realised I only really like the cheap calamari that you get, which is like a little bit rubbery and crispy, which I quite like. I do like that. But not like the cheap calamari that you get, which is like a little bit rubbery and crispy, which I quite like. I do like that. But not like the really thick. And then I was like, oh, this just actually tastes like what it was.

Right, okay. Yeah. You'd rather be slightly detached. Yeah. And it just felt like I was eating raw squid. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

Your face is turning. Really? It's that bad? It was gross. Do you eat fish? No. No. Sorry. Your face is turning. Really? It's that bad? It was gross. Do you eat fish? No. No. Okay.

I don't. My family comes from like a landlocked part of India. They come from Punjab. So fish is very much seen as a delicacy. Ah. A bit of a luxury. Okay. Yes.

No fish. So no. I don't mind a bit of smoked salmon. Okay. Every now and again. Oh, you're on to the cross. We're fancy now. But yeah, like even cod.

When people are like, oh, but you must like fish and chips. I'm like, no. Nobody should eat cod. Your face has gone very serious. I'm very serious. Stop eating cod. We're running out, I think. Are we?

Yeah. How often do you think it's probably just some other fish and no one knows or cares? Just whatever the cheapest possible option is. Yeah, it could be. Maybe. Like the whole horse meat thing. We wouldn't have known that.

I mean, yeah. I mean, how many people are going to call up a fish and chip shop and say... Is it definitely that? Yeah. How often are they getting checked for quality control? Yeah, what kind of fish is it i mean my fish and chip shop hasn't changed their signage since the 70s i don't imagine anyone's been there to check yeah i think yeah yeah okay uh i digress sorry um muscles yeah move on yeah okay um muscles

gonna be a food choice and what's gonna be a drink choice? Peach schnapps. Peach schnapps. Ah, interesting. Archers. Archers. Yes. Okay. It's one of the misspent youths. Yes.

I was going to say, I can guess why. Please, divulge me. I went to someone's 18th. And I don't even remember whose 18th it was. But it was above a pub in the small town that I'm from. In a function room above a pub and um and i think i because i think you do start drinking when you start drinking like kind of sweeter things yes and um it's easier to get down yeah so it's like arches and lemonade

oh right okay i drank for a while and then i got so drunk on it and my parents didn't know I drank. Still don't know. My parents didn't know that I drank. Hey, guys, you're listening to this. What are the chances? And I went home. I don't even remember getting home. This is how drunk I was.

Don't do it, kids. It's not... Stay in school. And I remember... stay in school and I remember stay in school I remember being on the toilet and throwing up

into the sink next to me I had all I had like both taps on because I was trying to hide me throwing up

and I was just violently ill and then I could just take you know you can just taste it for like, even like the next day,

it doesn't matter how much you like brush your teeth and your tongue and you like rinse your mouth. No. Now, every time I'm sick, it tastes like peach schnapps.

Oh no, really? Yeah. Because it was that bad. Disgusting. You've got to have drunk, you've got to have drunk a lot of peach schnapps

to get that drunk, right? Yeah, yeah. You gave it a good go. Massive capacity. I mean, I'm definitely an overachiever. Are you really? I like to give it a good go. Do you?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Peach snaps. Have you tried it since? No. And you just can't? Even the smell of it. Even the bottle, I can't even look at it.

Wow. Yeah. It was a really bad experience. Oh, my God. So they don't know that you drink? No. Interesting. You'd think that after that, I'd be like,

oh, I think I probably won't drink it now. I saw a video of you in which you said they don't know that you do comedy. Imagine they do now, right? They do now. They didn't for a long time. Right, okay. And then I got on the telly, didn't I?

Okay. And that'll do it. Yeah. And then they still didn't see me then because I think it was on the red button. And somebody came up to, like one of my dad's mates came up to him in town and told him one of my jokes.

It wasn't about him, was it? Okay, good, yeah. My dad't about him, was it? No. Okay, good, yeah. My dad came home and he was like, there's people talking about you in town and is this one of your jokes? And I was like, yep. And now they're really looking forward to seeing me live,

so I will finally let them. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, I will finally let them come and see me. Were you worried about them finding out that you'd come here? Yeah, definitely. Look, you know, they came over here in the 60s and had to do really shitty jobs that nobody else wanted to do to make a living and then here i am however many years later going yeah thanks guys but um i'm gonna go and uh do this terrible thing uh in front of people i don't really know what i'm doing

and i'm not gonna get paid for it most of the time just so people can tell me how good i am uh thank you cheers for that right yeah cheers enjoy your retirement i hope you've got some money put by because uh i would not be able to look after you but i think for them as soon as people started stopping them in the street and saying oh she's quite good isn't she then and then they were like yeah yeah we knew about it all along she's brilliant we're 100 behind her oh they've got to be proud they are now i don't think they fully understand it and i'm not sure they ever will because they're like why don't you want to work in a bank like what why don't you want some security and stability because that's all they ever wanted um so i mean that i get i. We just come from different worlds. Yeah. I totally get that. See you later, suckers.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. But they didn't know for quite a long time. So when are you going to tell them that you drink? Well, so I was going to... So they're coming to see you perform live in March. What better way to do it than in a room full of people there's only 400 people there they can't say anything in public uh no

i live with them so i don't want to be thrown out so what if they walk out no don't say that okay i mean no that just sounds like an anxiety no but i do have to write a whole new 15 minute set because at the moment it's just taking the piss out of my mum. So I don't... In, like, the most loving way ever. But she's not going to see it as she's going to say, well, people are laughing at me. And they're not.

No. They're just laughing. So, yeah. Any thoughts? Please write in. How do you... Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Interesting. So, Archers. Yes. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. So Archers is going to be a good choice. Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much. Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Yes.

The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time. The other, your least favourite song. What are they and why? Do you want the film first? Whatever. It's up to you. Transformers.

I thought you were going to say the Transformers. Film, Transformers. Any one of the Transformers. Okay. Partly because I detest Mark Wahlberg. Right, because he was in the running, right? He was in the running. Interesting, okay. But now we can talk about him.

Partly because I detest him because he's done all sorts of shit and people have just gone oh mark walberg you know like beating people up and being racist and yes yes and now he's got a uh a burger chain called wall burgers oh who signed off on this and then he was on graham norton where he uh was like on something or like just incredibly drunk and he was just really rude and um michael fassbender who i had a very unhealthy obsession with for a very long time um was trying to tell a story and he was just very rude and i was like michael does not deserve that level of disrespect it was personal it was personal I was incensed and then he

did you see this tweet there was a tweet of him talking about his daily routine oh yes I did you know something like get up at half three and set my bed on fire and then eat half a cabbage

and go for a run and have an ice bath and I was like and then it's only quarter past six in the morning yeah and then I was like also mate I said you've got like three kids or something the fuck's looking after your kids yeah while you're off i don't know climbing a mountain or

whatever or spend some time with your children yeah stop being a dick he's like those men who are like take up fucking triathlons and stuff it It's like, you just don't want to spend time with your family. Okay. That's what I'm saying. Yes. I'm going to send this to someone that I know. But he also employs me, so maybe I might. No, don't do that. Okay. But I am going to.

Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it and fuck you, Chris. And Transformers I hate because it's just like being in a massive washing machine just when you watch them they're awful why the hell

just weird like the whole the whole robot thing is weird and Megan thingy what's her face is in it Megan

Fox Megan Fox yes I think I think she's the crumpet man's thing yeah which is gonna make no sense if you don't keep in what came earlier I think she's the crumpet man's thinker. Yeah.

Which is going to make no sense if you don't keep in what came earlier. Just string together five words. That's just what it is. No, I find them really boring. And I love all that shit. You know, normally I love a bit of sci-fi or robots or AI or whatever. But there's something about Transformers. I'm like, no, it doesn't do anything for me.

No, okay. And maybe it's because I was only allowed to have NHS glasses when I was a child. Okay. And I stupidly picked a Transformers case because it was like upside down. So it was like a really lovely purple. And I took it home and I was like really happy because my glasses are shit and I'm going to get beaten up for them. But at least I've got a really nice purple glasses case. And I took it home and I was like really happy because my glasses are shit and I'm gonna get beaten up for them but at least I've got a really nice purple glasses case and I took

it home and it had fucking transformers on it and this was before transformers was cool obviously because this was back in the 90s um or whatever it was um yeah it was like 94 or something and then I spent like the next six months trying to scratch off the Transformers logo with a compass. Okay. Did you get beaten up for it? No, because I was a bit of a bruiser actually as a kid. Nice. Yeah.

Okay, yeah. Get you. Yeah. Right, no, I was messing with you. No. You even probably made Transformers cool. Right? Yeah.

I don't think I had that kind of sway though. Okay. Yeah. If they said anything, you could batter them, but... Yeah. Yeah, it was more that. It was more like... This is really petty, but...

Go on. Whenever I try to watch a Transformers film, I just can't... The sound effects just kill me. It's just constant, like... Yes! That's what I mean. Bang!

Every, like, ten minutes. Yeah. Like, what's the fucking fucking i still don't know what transformer is i still don't i've sat through it actually had an audition to be in one of the films it's like a very very tiny part a couple of years ago okay and um and it's like yeah of course i'll sit around a table and be like oh the climate change is awful or whatever it was um is that your line it was that was that one line it was It was like they wanted a brown face around a table. Right.

I was like, dude, it's a table full of scientists who should have like all brown faces. You should have told them that in the audition. This was also the audition

where they asked me to do an accent. Right. And I said, oh, what accent would you like? Knowing full well what accent they wanted.

But I thought, how bloody dare you just assume that I can do that? And I said, what accent would you like? And they went, oh, what accent would you like? Knowing full well what accent they wanted. But I thought, how bloody dare you just assume that I can do that? And I said, what accent would you like? And they went, oh, you know, no, I don't. Which accent would you like? Oh, like a... Spanish? My Welsh is really good.

They were like, oh, like an Asian accent. And I was like, what kind of Asian accent? And that's probably why I didn't get the part because I was... Good for you, though. Yeah, calling them out on their bullshit. So this is personal. Yeah, this is personal. And also, I hate Mark Wahlberg.

God, fuck you, Transformers. Exactly. Right? And fuck you, Mark Wahlberg. So where were they filming it, then? Like, Elstree or somewhere? I don't know. It didn't get that far.

OK. Are you interested? I don't know. It was very kind of like, you didn't get the script. You didn't get... Yeah. Okay, interesting. It was very kind of like you didn't get the script, you didn't get, yeah. Okay. Yeah,

and I was like, I went up for a really minor part and they were like, we'll just send you your line and the line before it. In London somewhere? Yeah. Okay,

interesting. Right, okay. Transformers. I know. You bastards. Exactly. So stop it,

Mark Wahlberg, go look after your kids. Yes, stop it, Mark Wahlberg. Stop making new Transformers films. Yeah, nobody needs it. One just came out. It's the Bumblebee story. What? Fuck off.

What is that? It's just like the car. Oh my God, I don't know why I know this. The car, called Bumblebee, which is the yellow one, has got its own spin-off, like the story of Bumblebee Oh good god spare us

I know Right? Wow how do you know this? I don't know It's embarrassing isn't it? Yeah I'm not even a fan I'm embarrassed for you

I know I don't even watch that much TV or pay that much attention to anything Obviously you do because you know all about the Bumblebee spin-off I know I know Oh my god I'm a loser

The only way I can get behind the bumblebee spin-off is if it encourages people to plant more wildflowers to attract more bees. Nice. I thought you were going to say Jason Statham was in it. Yeah, that's too obvious. He could be in it. Oh no, and then I'd have to watch it.

Can I Google this now? Yeah, go on. Oh my. If Anna Kendrick said it, I'm leaving. Okay. If they're in it together, go on. Oh, my. If Anna Kendrick said it, I'm leaving. Okay. If they're in it together, you are. Oh, no. Right.

Jason. No, no. Don't search Jason. Save him. Bumblebee. Bumblebee. How do you even get this past the studios? I don't know.

Who is it? Oh, no. You might be annoyed with me for this. Oh, what? Is he in it? No, it. You might be annoyed with me for this. Oh, what? Is he in it? No, it's John Cena. That guy. Oh, yes.

Who's like, he was in WWE. And he's like, sorry, I got them mixed up. You did, didn't you? Yeah. But I'm quite relieved. Okay, it's not him. Okay, cool. Okay, so Transformers is going to be your film.

And what's going to be the song? A song by the New Radicals. Do you know what I mean? You only get what you give? You only get what you give. Okay, yes, yes. Go on, please. Awful, awful, earworm.

That just gets stuck in your head. Yes. Just proper white girl disco. You know, there's like a time in your head yes proper white girl disco like I can't you know there's like a time in your life where you start becoming really aware of music and I think for me

it was like around 12ish not like I didn't realise music existed but like popular music you get really into it and I think I was like around 12

when that happened and then I used to like start listening to a lot of radio lots of different radio stations and then this song was always on. Every fucking time I switched on the radio,

this song was on. And I just can't, and what does it even mean? Like I don't, I cannot tell you. I've listened to it so many times, just not through choice. And I don't,

apart from that one line, you only, even then we struggled saying it. You only get what you give. You only get what you give. Yeah. And that don't, apart from that one line, you only, even then we struggled saying it. You only get what you give. You only get what you give, yeah. Yeah, and that whiny voice. Is it called You Only Get What You Give? Yeah, I'm sure we're going to have to Google it.

We don't have to. Everyone knows the song. Yeah. I used to put in a bit of the song and then someone told me that I could get in trouble. Yes. You only, we're doing this. We're doing it. We're doing it.

We're both doing it. I know. We shouldn't both be doing it. Here we go. You get what you give. You get what you give. Oh, my God. I think you can play...

Can you play a bit of the song? You can't. Even a little bit? Even like 10 seconds? No, you're actually not allowed. The rule is none. But everyone gets it wrong. Because I thought it was like 10 seconds.

No, it's just I used to put 10 seconds in. Yeah. But it's like, I've gotten a bit nerdy about this stuff. And I get sent emails about these things. And it's just none. That's it. Wow. You genuinely are not allowed to put any in.

So you have to buy the rights somehow? Oh, fuck off. I'm not giving you new radicals any of my money. I know. We've talked about them enough. I mean, so this song is personal to me in a way. I talk about it quite a lot. I don't know if I ever have on this podcast

because I don't think it's ever come up. Oh no. Did you write it? I wrote it. And no, I didn't write i didn't write the front man um embarrassingly it was the first song i ever bought i knew you were gonna say this i know i bought it on tape oh and i must have been i don't know how old 10 11 12 when it came out? I'm not sure. And I went to Virgin in town and bought it on tape.

You went to the big Virgin in town to buy it? On 99p or whatever it was. I bought it. I played it loads. But I find that so embarrassing. The one hit wonder was my first song. And, you know, a very, very average one at that. Yeah. They really were one hit wonders as well, weren't they? Yeah.

That guy has written so many songs. Really? Yeah. Greg Alexander? Is that his name? The front man. The front man. Are you looking at it now?

No. I can't believe you just like threw me under the bus like that. They didn't have to know that. It's better if they do. Transparency. OK. They were only active for two years. They disbanded.

There we go. Good. I'm going to edit out the other bit and you're going to look really knowledgeable. Just going to look like you know. You just make me sound good. It was a top five hit here. It was a top five?

You didn't get to number one? It got to number one in Canada and New Zealand. See, I have a weird fact retention of just really things that are just useless. Nothing important like mental arithmetic obviously.

He wrote... The only one I can remember that he definitely wrote was Rollercoaster for Ronan Keating. You know the ones that's like... No! Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it. Which actually, when you think of the two songs, it kind of makes sense that he wrote both of those, I think.

Yeah, thematically they're very similar. Very, very similar. Yeah, and I think this one I struggled with the most because if I don't really like a song I just don't listen to it of course you have that option so like my Spotify is Fleetwood Mac and Jazz basically

so I was like I don't really want to listen to anything else at the moment and but I just remember like being on the radio or like in shops and stuff like not being able to turn it off and this was like the days of pre-noise cancelling headphones obviously so i couldn't really shut myself up yeah and it was everywhere it's different yeah you've got to be i even remember like recording top of the pops and it being on one of the top of the pops that i recorded that's it my God. It's just... It was from a time

where you just couldn't get away. Yeah, you just couldn't escape. Less options. Ship songs. It's like Carol Waterman, right? Yeah. Less options,

so you're bombarded. Mm. Okay. You get what you give. Yes, that's the song. By the New Radicals. Okay, thank you very much. And finally,

the island is overrun by the biggest dig of all the animals, which animal is it and why? Is it like one animal? Is it like plural of the same animal? That is up to you. Mice.

Mice. Okay. Mice. Fair play. Oh, they're just little bastards. Aren't they? They really are. I was going to say like spiders or whatever, but no mice.

We had a bit of a mice infestation. Oh, you did? Yeah, and it lasted forever because you just think, and everyone goes, oh, just put peppermint oil on your skating boards. And, you know, I did it all. Peppermint oil filled up any kind of little holes or whatever, like with foil because I hate foil because I can't chew through it. And then I got not mice poison

but rat poison. I got like weapons grade rat poison from Amazon which is probably illegal. And then just in these massive trays just put them in every corner of every room.

I spent a fucking fortune getting rid of these mice with bits of peanut butter on it because they love peanut butter so I was like they'll come for the peanut butter and then they'll die but then they didn't die further enough

because generally they'll like eat it and then they'll fuck off to wherever they're going next and then they will die somewhere outside the house but they didn't the lazy bastards they died in the house so then I had to dispose of dead mice. Oh, no.

And not only that, not only did they not have the decency to go and die somewhere else, but they were, they're so bold. What do you mean? Well, I was in bed

and, I don't know, reading or something. And one of them hopped up on the radiator and was on my windowsill looking at me no wow just looking at me that is bold yeah or like i'd be on the landing um like getting the laundry together or something one of them ran between my legs into my room yes my god that's

horrible do not give a shit. They know exactly what they're doing when they're chewing through wires or they're chomping on your birth certificate or whatever.

Did that happen? Oh my God. I mean, it's just like, there's... Yeah, I think they're bloody conniving.

I really do think, now, fuck off, Stuart Little. Yeah. Like, that's great PR for them. That's great PR for them that's great PR for them

but I think they're awful creatures an island overrun by them they are gross as well yeah

the idea of that just like being near you at any time yeah or like hearing them and you're like I don't know where

they are actually hearing them is worse than seeing them I think yeah stuff of nightmares I was in there I was on the tube platform yesterday and they were just, I don't know where they are. Actually, hearing them is worse than seeing them, I think. Stuff of nightmares. I was on the tube platform yesterday

and they were just popping in and out, just like running near people, near your bag, near your feet. No, on the platform. Yeah, on the platform. Oh, I thought you meant like in the little, where the train comes, because that's where I see rats normally. No, no, just like on the platform, just like popping out of sight. Do you see what I mean?

Do you see? This is a sign of the end times. Um, sign of the end. It is. The apocalypse is coming. Well, because they're that used to obviously being around humans. So no wonder there was one perched on my waste paper basket. Oh, what?

Yeah. It's horrible. Okay. It's like foxes. They're that close to attacking us. Yeah. And taking our... I feel like with mice it's more because they can fit through a gap the width of a pencil.

Oh, no. So they can just get anywhere. Yeah. And it got so bad that I was sleeping with... But I would play as I was sleeping. Sounds of cats meowing. Oh, my God. Because I thought that might...

No, they don't. They're not bothered. No, they're not. They don't care. I see that it's coming from a big box and they're just saying, I'm not pandering to this. There's no cat here.

Exactly. Okay, mice. It's going to be an unusual success. Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you for having me. It's been great. I've really enjoyed it. So we were talking

before you're going to Edinburgh I am yes I'm going to make my debut oh debut nice with a show called

For Suck's Sake and yeah come along I'll be starting previews in March okay so yeah okay

amazing and fantastic title thank you it's also previews in March. Okay. So, yeah. Okay. Amazing. And fantastic title. Thank you. It was either that or like, suck my dick. Was that close? No.

And then your parents definitely would have... Definitely, yeah. I definitely would need to move into your spare room. Yeah. You would. Save that one for later.

Right. And that show title for sook's sake yes is also your twitter handle right it is so if people want to find you they can go on twitter or instagram is where you will find me instagramming or tweeting about mice mark warburg and mental arithmetic. Nice. Look at that. And I imagine when you like, and I imagine you post your gigs up on there as well. Yes. Okay, brilliant. So people, if they want to find out where you are,

they can find it there. Come along. Okay. So thank you so much for coming in. Thank you very much. I had a really good time. I really appreciate it. Thank you.