Desert Island Dicks - SUNIL PATEL

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Comedian and actor Sunil Patel joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This show features comedian and actor Sunil Patel. He's been in loads of great stuff recently,

like Stafflet's Flats. He's done a bit of stand-up at live at the moth club uh he was in lazy susan's sketch show which is brilliant i really recommend that and also he's in jamie dimitri's new netflix special so basically he's in all the good stuff that's that's what you want to check out all of those things are really good and worth watching and he's in them so that gives you a measure of the kind of guy we're dealing with here today. What else did I have to say? Yeah, as usual, we would love your submissions for who and what you think is a dick.

So we can include them in our sister podcast, Compact Dicks. All you need to do is, yeah, just think of who and what you'd hate to be stuck on an island with. It can be from any of the categories in the podcast like person song film drink food animal or you know just go freestyle and go off piste with it and um just tell us something that you would hate to be stuck on a desert island with you can get in touch with us at dixpod.com slash contact if you want to send us an email or you can give us a little shout on instagram and twitter at dixpod so it's all very simple. Thanks to all of you who have downloaded this. We really appreciate that.

If you could find the time to give us a rating and a review, that would be great. Because that's really useful. And we'd appreciate it a great deal. What was the final thing? Yeah, subscribe. Then you'll never miss an episode because we've got loads coming out of the minute. So yeah, make sure you subscribe. And you'll always get every episode

as soon as it hits the internet. I think that's it for now. So let's enjoy Desert Island Dicks with Sunil Patel. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian, actor and one third of the Slime Country podcast, Sunil Patel. How are you doing?

Hello, very happy to be here. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for coming on. I feel like you're a very busy man because everything I watch at the minute, you seem to pop up in. Yeah, it's remarkable how little work those things take. It's like popping into someone else's big thing for like half an hour and then going home and then everyone seems to think you're working hard but no thank you thank you give us that well they're all very good things you know so there's staff and live at the moth club and um yeah where else have i seen you lazy susan's show you're in as well and um great sketch

the new uh jimmy dimitri special has just come out which is very very in as well. It's a great sketch. The new Jamie Dimitriou special has just come out, which is very, very good as well. That's right, yeah. That was actually an entire day. That was hard work. So we're about to put you on an island with your worst people and things to be stuck with. Was this a difficult task for you,

kind of compiling the list? It was quite difficult because I think in an abstract way, I don't really mind famous people because I know that you're only seeing a little bit of them. And I'm sure there's some bad ones out there, but I reckon it'd be quite interesting to be stuck with someone who's famous but an arsehole. I think the actual worst nightmare

is being stuck with your friends that you can only really take in small doses and that's my list basically okay so yeah it's quite difficult i i hope this podcast doesn't turn into me sort of settling petty grievances against my friends but i think that's how it's going to end up okay well you're very welcome to use it as you wish. You know, this is your space now, so be as petty and grievancy as you like. Let's find out then who's the first person joining you on the island.

Okay, the first person I've chosen is one of my best friends. She's a comedian, Harriet Kemsley. And I would choose her because I think if i'm on a desert island i don't want to have to worry about the welfare of other people on there i want to look after myself and harriet is allergic to uh cut grass and raw fruit and vegetables and i think i'm gonna have to bury her on day one that's that's something i just i just don't want her there basically if that's okay she's a former guest on this podcast i feel like now i need to invite her back on to reply reply yeah who does she choose out of interest i can't remember now but i do remember the fruit and vegetable thing coming up so yeah yeah imagine that imagine being on a desert island i mean that's like i suppose you i mean you've got kids haven't you yeah would you want to be

on a desert island with your kids no i mean well the sort of boring answer would be i hope they'd escape the plane crash completely but um they're being stuck on them but yeah no i wouldn't i mean you don't really want any dependence on the island you know you want to sort of you want to help each other out but if it does come to it you know you don't want to sort of feel too bad if someone dies you know you want to be exactly yeah i think as soon as you've got someone kind of like old much older than you or much younger than you it gets much more complicated yeah yeah yeah and i think i'm having to sort of i don't think there's a abundance of epi pens on the island is there i don't think so unless it depends what you can salvage from the plane but i'm going to say probably not i'm going to say she's probably

not salvaging any epi pens from the plane crash uh which means that every sort of waking minute she's got to look out for anything that might kill her and unfortunately a lot of that stuff is not sentient you don't know where it is it's uh it's just growing unfortunately so yeah yeah i mean i suppose probably not that much cut grass there. I mean, or if there is grass, you're probably not going to think about mowing it while you're there. But the thing is, if someone does annoy you and they can die from cut grass,

how long do you think it would take you to cut a bit of grass? That's true. That's it. You know, no one's watching. I'm not saying I would do it but the temptation would be there as well you gotta i mean i've read lord of the flies and you know all anything goes on that island right yeah definitely definitely yeah i mean you know i wouldn't do that obviously but i wonder if there's something about being stuck with your friends where as humans

if you already kind of get on with the people, it can almost only go south from there. Whereas if there's people that you haven't met before, you're kind of as a decent person, your kind of instinct is to try and grease the wheels and forgive a little bit more maybe than you would otherwise. I don't know if that's complete bollocks. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking like if it's new people, you make an effort to like, you know, be your best self in a way and present yourself in a certain way and also like try and resolve a conflict

as early as you can. Whereas like with friends, you just blow your lid after a while. You don't really, I don't know. Maybe people have different relationships with their friends. Mine are quite antagonistic, I think. This is going to say a lot more about my relationship with my friends.

I don't know if it'll improve after you've put them all on the island. I should choose someone famous. It's just really hard to like, because there's a lot of people who make their living out of being absolute dicks uh which you know i feel like it's only happened in the last like 10 years it hasn't really happened before you just wouldn't have that platform if people didn't like you but yeah it's a real golden age for people you know like i remember the first time i saw my niece watching people playing video games on youtube and i I was saying to my brother, like, what is this? But she's watching them play Minecraft.

And now my son's hooked on it and it seems quite normal. But things like that didn't exist. Just being an annoying, agitating man is a career now. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there's people I really like in the public eye who other people just loathe and find incredibly annoying. But I mean, I can't think of any. But I think like part of like it's part of the philosophy that like if you're in the public eye, you need to you need to polarize opinion. I think that's probably what it is. And that's like almost a marketing strategy.

But like, you know, it's not for me. It's not for me it's not for me okay so we've got harriet on there and you're gonna have to try and get along with her and protect her from any raw fruit and vegetables which is already quite difficult because that's it it's like you know you could be chopping something that's chopping up some coconuts and she might sit on the plank of wood that you've just chopped stuff on and then yeah allergic reaction time a bit of raw coconut enzyme goes into her skin and she's got an anaphylactic shock terrifying isn't it yeah just a nightmare yeah it's just too much

housekeeping absolutely straight out of the game okay well who's going to be the second person joining you right the second person is um my good friend uh my good friend neil o'rourke another comedian who um i've been on two separate holidays with, which I think is a nice precursor to what would happen if you're on a desert island. I've been on two separate holidays with him. And on both occasions, he's brought with him 2.5 kilograms of protein powder in order to stay muscly and ripped. And I think having that guy with you for an indefinite amount of time would be unbearable just because he takes it very seriously. Three times a day he has his protein powder

and I just don't like it. It's not even annoying, I just don't like that vibe. Two holidays we've been on, one of them was a driving trip I just don't like it. It's not even annoying. I just don't like that vibe. Two holidays we've been on, one of them was a driving trip and there wasn't enough room in the boot for his protein powder, so it took up a backseat position. It's just annoying, just one of those annoying things. And now I think, yeah. Fair enough.

So, I mean, something about that lifestyle is just a bit much, isn't it? It's like, just let it go for a week or so, you know. I could see you struggling to figure out your response to that one. It's just someone who annoys me. Yeah. He's one of my friends. But yeah, it is that lifestyle thing. I think it's like, so I like to go to the gym and i

also use protein powder but i i am quite i find it uh quite embarrassing would you take it on holiday no no and i find it quite embarrassing when people find out that i do like people go oh you go to the gym a lot oh do you like have protein shakes and that i'm like yeah and i feel a bit ashamed by it because i know it's just there's something kind of douchebaggy about it you know it's a bit sort of the culture around it is very like i'm not i'm not comfortable with the culture of it you know so i think if someone's so far into it they're bringing it on holiday it's a bit of a red flag for me it'd be fine if they kept it private you know like with a lot of things but it's like i'm not it's it aesthetically it

doesn't look good like because he we went to the theater the other day a few of us and he had a protein shake in the front row of the theater he just necked a load of protein and we were like well you could have done that and you could have done that on the walk here and he was like i just didn't have time and it's like there's a there's a little element to it that feels like kind of almost theatrical that there has to be protein involved in it as part of his personality. I hope he doesn't listen to this.

He's a good guy. But yeah, I imagine being on a desert island with someone that is fully committed to the gym lifestyle I think is the core concept of why i wouldn't want him there yeah i mean i suppose they'd be you'd hope they'd be fit and healthy and helpful in that respect but then yeah it depends if you're doing a sort of the kind of training you know because some training is just for muscles and appearance and isn't even that functionally useful so it's then you know you can feel them getting annoyed at the fact that they're going to be losing all their gains through malnutrition and lack of exercise.

And that's going to affect their whole, like, well-being, you know. Yeah. Well, I mean, to be clear, the protein he uses is called lean mass gains with a Z at the end. So we know what he's in it for. They don't have to put a Z on the end. Don't make it worse, guys. It's good marketing. There's such a funny world around that.

I think there's definitely a market for just very plainly packaged protein that just doesn't have any of the extra Zs or anything that says bulk or ripped. Sensible protein for sensible people yeah yeah just sort of people who like want to look good but are also a bit ashamed yeah so can you disguise it as a bit of vegetable or something like that yeah um yeah i think he's not gonna have a great time on the island i guess you'd probably

through maybe eating a lot of fish have a a high-protein diet, so maybe that would appease him slightly. I guess so. I mean, because that 2.5 kgs, if he saves it from the crash, which is the first thing he'll go back for, it'll run out, I think, the way he's going through it, in less than a month.

And then after that, I think he'd have to eke it out. I think he'd spend all of his time looking after his protein, just keeping an eye on it and not really get involved with the rest of the, you know, surviving on the island. Yeah. But just imagine if you've spent ages trying to get drinking water

from salt water, and you've been setting up a still and evaporating and stuff so you can have clean drinking water, and you turn around, he's shaking that plastic shard. He's chugged a load of protein into his shard. I don't want protein i want drinking water please help me save harriet she's gone into anaphylactic shock yeah already a nightmare isn't it i feel like also i don't know if if if they know each other so i don't know what their

relationship is but they seem like quite opposite sorts of people i don't know if that's they do know each other yeah i think they are actually yeah i think he to be fair to neil he is a very sort of useful person to have around yeah he'll get involved but uh it's it's always like it's always like the the one thing about someone that you that plays in your head a lot and that annoys you when the rest of their personality is absolutely great you know whatever yeah yeah fair enough all right who would be the final person joining you this was a tough one i was thinking between like i had a list of people who um owe me small amounts of money uh but that's got too long now um and then i was thinking oh maybe my current housemate um who's a comedian called helen bauer

uh there's her as well and then i just thought you know the worst thing i'd have it would be maybe my current housemate, um, who's a comedian called Helen Bauer. Uh, there's her as well. And then I just thought, you know, the worst thing I'd have, it would be to, to be on a desert Island with someone that you currently do a podcast with. Cause then it's,

it's kind of like, it turns into them wanting to do podcasts while you're stuck on a desert Island. If they rescue the zoom recorder from the, uh, from the plane crash, you're stuck, you're stuck there i mean already there's nothing worse than the podcast i currently do called slime country as

you mentioned which is just three lads talking uh but imagine having to do that while you're stuck on a on a desert island so i would pick it's tough because i do it with two people don't i so let's i would pick um out of those two who'd be the worst one to be there ed knight uh comedian ed knight who i currently do a podcast with he'd be he'd be my third pick uh because he's very serious about podcasting uh and i think a lot of the time on the island would be taken up with him chatting about podcast strategy and doing the podcast uh so like anyone that reminds i was thinking like anyone that reminds you of like work while you're on a desert island would be horrific and that would be my final pick i think the thing is because i've similarly before this podcast had a podcast with two good friends

of mine and i think the danger is when you're so used to just sort of talking crap together in that sort of format when you're together anywhere you just default into that a little bit or you'll bring up like little in jokes that you have to explain to people and then you feel a bit weird like oh sorry it's just this thing we do on the podcast and you sort of feel you know and i remember at my birthday and it was my friends ian and brendan were there they're the the guys i did the podcast with yeah and someone else turned up and they're like this is a bit like just watching you guys do a podcast now it's like it's like it's still enjoyable but it's it's sort of stepped just outside the bounds of a normal conversation just enough for it to be a bit weird and did you feel like you had to record it we're like you can't have that conversation without going oh i wish

we were recording this then and then it's like yeah you know you don't want to be like hey guys this is a great chat other people would enjoy us having this chat as well and you know that's it you become you become very conscious of the things you're saying and how you're saying it and you can't have you can't have a natural conversation anymore yeah and that i think that'd be one of the reasons why you wouldn't want that person on a desert island with you. It's just like it becomes, you just can't be 100% comfortable in that position. So, yeah, I think. But then again, I mean, like, yeah, even if it's not a podcast, having something that reminds you of work there would seem pretty awful.

Yeah. Or it might be that you end up sort of, you know, forming a podcast with the other inhabitants of the island. And then if you get rescued, it's going to be really awkward because you carry on the old one. You start a new one. And you know, I think I would immediately do the new one because that sounds pretty good. That sounds like a great idea. Check out this podcast. It started after a plane crash on a desert island.

Yeah. Imagine that. Yeah. podcast it started on a after a plane crash on a desert island yeah imagine that yeah so the first few episodes are quite hard to get into because we sort of had to write them down on some bark so yeah we've written it down we're gonna do it again yeah yeah we'll publish it as a word doc that's why the first episode you can download is actually episode 48 yeah it'd be i guess if ed was on the desert island he spent spend the first couple of weeks trying to see if the zoom recorder is up and running and not really get involved in anything

else but yeah otherwise writing it down yeah yeah fair enough okay well yeah i think as you say it's on the face of it could be quite a nice initial sort of period on the island but i think quickly it's going to get tricky so i think for that it it's, you know, there's a lot of scope for unexpected hell. So yeah. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Okay, well, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad right my least i'm going to start with least favorite drink and that would be uh vanilla coca-cola right okay because uh and in a general idea i think anything that varies from the format of the main product would be a nightmare because the packaging is very is like it's not always distinct enough and when you're expecting a coca-cola which i love and you end up with vanilla coke it gets me really annoyed and disgusted with it so i think vanilla coke's my particular one where like if i want i have i've accidentally bought it quite a few times and it's annoyed me so much and i can't finish the can i just chuck it away so i think yeah

imagine being stuck i was just imagining being stuck with the drink i really want but just slightly wrong yeah yeah that's the thing isn't it it's like if you if you don't like diet drinks and you get the diet one it's like i just don't i just rather have water than this this is rubbish yeah yeah and i can't because i don't know how to desalinize water yeah coke i don't know if they're doing it on purpose because i noticed this recently like the the coke zero looks you know it used to be black but now it's basically a normal label with a strip of black along it and it's like are you trying to trick my brain into thinking this tastes exactly the same it's like this isn't a pepsi challenge just let me choose the one i want you know i don't know why they're making it so hard for us to like stare at loads of cans to choose the right one

that's like it's like a it's like a puzzle isn't it it didn't seem necessary why not just write it and block capitals along the side yeah i when i was doing like the christmas food shop like we don't normally like have lots of soft drinks in the house but there's a few people that coming over who didn't drink and they i knew that they want some coke and i was just standing there for so long just going no but that's but if it's coke zero why is there so much of it it must be normal coke because otherwise because they'd have the most normal coke but there's more yeah but wait that's got a black stripe on it or is that just what the label looks like what the fuck what's this no that's diet wait no that's diet that's caffeine free i just don't need this many and like there's so many type like coke zero

caffeine free and diet coke and just just have one i know i know and now like i think what they've done is they've managed to get us talking about it. Maybe that was the trick all along. I was reading about the different flavors of Oreos on a tweet thread yesterday. Apparently, they've got a team of people that come up with various brand new flavors of Oreos, because they've realized that if they keep coming up with new flavors, it's not like people keep buying the new flavors, but it always attracts people back to the original Oreos because they're like, oh, what a weird flavour. I remember how nice the originals were. I'll just get a packet of those as well. So they end up buying all of it, essentially. God, humans are so weird. There's no hope. Yeah, yeah.

Fair play to them for working us out like that, but I don't like it. Yeah, it's strange isn't it yeah i years ago i used to do promotional work like after i left uni and sort of you know when you see people in shopping centers handing out free things yeah i used to do loads of that work i did some for diet coke and it was all the different flavors and like just because you're bored you end up drinking loads of them it's like diet coke with vanilla and it's like i'm just bored i'm just gonna open a can of coke but it's like Diet Coke with vanilla and it's like, I'm just bored.

I'm just going to open a can of Coke. But it's like, it's not right, is it? Because I think it's not like lemonade, which, you know, you could sort of add flavours into lemonade. You could have like a raspberry lemonade and it'd be all right. But Coke is such a weird flavour of its own that to then put something else on it, it's like this is... Completely imbalances it

yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean i know uh yeah it's it i know people who are who love one of the sort of side flavors and just absolutely love that and that alone and that feels like a really tough situation to be in because now you've got to constantly look for that specific flavor that niche flavor in every shop you go into but um i yeah i don't understand why you'd yeah i think um yeah the lemonade thing's a good point i don't really drink lemonade actually maybe i should have brought that maybe i should have chosen that but yeah but something like a coke or a red bull it's like yeah they are just so their own thing i just think, you know, put a bit of lemon in your Coke, but don't flavour it.

It just feels weird to me. Do they do lemon-flavoured Coke? I feel like they have done. I'm sure when I was giving out samples 20 years ago, there was a lemon, but I don't know if it's carried on. Especially, it's like, the only time I really buy Coke, apart from like, it's usually when I'm really thirsty thirsty and i just need a bit of sugar as well like or like if you're hung over or something and then when you get the wrong one it's just compounding your ill your sickness

basically yeah yeah um no i know i know the feeling and yeah it's just anything that's not quite there is just so especially when you like you say when you really need it as well it's just yeah you might as well throw it away fair enough okay and what would your food choice be my food choice would be on in a similar vein something that's not quite there would be um pies without a full short crust uh so just the lid okay you know those pies that you get just the puff pastry lid yeah i i it promises so much and then you just i hate it i need full i need a full short crust pie it needs to be transportable on its own without a yeah exactly yeah not just in a foil container which uh which which lies essentially yeah yeah well they're very difficult to eat as

well because that's the sort of if you have a like a chip shop pie is that all the way around because that's in the form that is that is all the way that is actually yeah yeah it's usually the only places that really you know piss you about with that kind of stuff are pubs um or yeah they when they just look but you know they just like, a puff pastry thing on the top of an oven container. Yeah. But I'm sure there's no pub catering at this desert island. No, but, I mean, it is airline catering, so I'm sure they would give you a shit pie.

I think they would, actually. Yeah, you're right. You know, it just makes... In terms of how you transport it and store it, I think you're going to get a soggy base if you if you were to yeah so i think that's hard isn't it yeah i reckon there'll be a thousand puff pastry lidded pies in that yeah that hold it's like a fray bentos those tinned pies they're like that aren't they i think yeah that's exactly it yeah it just feels like it's cheap and it's also it just feels like you're being firstly short-changed and they're they're laughing at you it feels like they're laughing at you it feels like they've being firstly shortchanged and they're laughing at you.

It feels like they're laughing at you. It feels like they've sold you a pie and then they're laughing because they know you haven't got a full pie and you've given them all your money. So, yeah. Yeah. And I think also, I don't know, something about the puff pastry, like it is all right, but it's like the way it sort of gets everywhere.

There's too many shards of it. It gets everywhere. It crumbles everywhere. Yeah. It's like a croissant. And you don't want that kind of, you know, yeah, it's not for me. I like all my food to be contained on the plate rather than, you know, down my beard or down my top.

And would there be an especially bad filling you could have in this terrible pie? Not a huge fan of steak and kidney. Oh, yeah. Kidney's bad. Not a fan of the classic pie no no for um chicken and ham um even mince beef but steak and kidney no because i uh i don't really like kidney and sometimes those bits of kidney are disguised too well as a bit of steak yeah or just even the little particles of it like they're so like the flavor is so intense in them does any little grain of it gets you can't just pick it out it's yeah terrible terrible stuff if you if you blow the gravy off it it's all like gray

and weird yeah and it's like not for me it's weird that people enjoy eating these things that are basically there for filtering our piss isn't it that's what it does it's filtered the animal's piss for its whole life oh i wonder why it has such a strong flavor lovely time it's a shame that stuff like that is actually like really good for you isn't it like organ meat is supposed to be really good for you yeah because it's like so rich in like vitamins or whatever i don't know why they're all down there like liver and kidney but then sometimes but you know because it's quite, you get those, there's sort of like various influences who, you know, into raw meat diets and sort of all that kind of thing.

They always go, oh, you know, you look at an animal hunting or like a primitive tribe in the undeveloped world, and they always, that's the first bit they'd eat of the animal. It's like, yeah, but it's also the first bit that's going to go bad if you don't eat it straight away. It's like, if you just take out a nice bit bit of steak it can stay for a few days and you can still eat it because the liver's going to get awful really quickly yeah are they saying that's the first bit you can eat raw that's what they yeah exactly and it's like and that's probably

taste the best then before it has a chance to develop that really strong taste i don't think that that's just about storage it's not about like the vitamins i think yeah but also that's definitely got piss in it then isn't it yeah yeah just straight they don't mention that do they yeah don't ring the kidneys out it's a horrible business um yeah i've got bad memories of those sort of pies because I remember at uni getting a fray bentos pie and a genuine I think it was like a chicken pie but I thought have I bought a tuna pie and I'm checking the lid like no this is apparently chicken but this is I don't even know if this is meat anymore was it tasty in any way no I mean this is me as a student not wanting to eat it so i mean that's how bad it

is and apparently fray bentos they come from uruguay which is the weirdest thing fray bentos is a meat packing town in uruguay that's what they're named after i have no idea it's always struck me as such a quintessentially british thing yeah that um and then spam which is probably american isn't it yeah i don't know just know. Just stuff like that, or canned stuff. Spam is very popular in Hong Kong and China because after the war it got rid of it. So it's a really popular breakfast food over there. You walk into a place expecting a nice bowl of noodles and it's like a Spam sandwich.

And you're like, what the fuck is going on? Have you put this on for me? Because I'm the white guy walking in. Because I want the noodles. I think I would enjoy Spam if there wasn't like now. me because i'm the white guy walking in because i want i want the noodles i i would have i think i would enjoy spam if there wasn't like now like as a kid i always used my mom always used to cook stuff with something like luncheon meat do you remember that yeah it's just sort of like spam isn't it yeah and i don't know what it was but it was only you know you could eat it quite happily

until someone said you know do you know what's in there? And then once you start thinking about it, you never ever want it again. But I think, yeah, Spam, Spam's quite nice. I think it fried up. That's what they have in Hong Kong and Korea as well, I think. Yeah, I don't think I've had it as a grown-up because I just remember it, like, I remember at school having it and just being so... Again, it was like, I was starting to eat this

and it tastes like ham, but then something else is happening and it's not ham. What's the other thing? I don't know. There's some background taste of it that's just not right. I don't know. It's piss, man. Probably piss.

It's piss. Eat your pissy spam. Come on, stop complaining. It's a bit of extra piss. Nothing to worry about is there okay so you get a can of vanilla coke uh to wash down your your false pie uh and that's going to be your food and drink choice now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay, well, my least favourite song would have to be the... It's the main track from the film Frozen. Let It Go? That's it. That one? Yeah, which is because I used to work...

For about three or four years in a row. I used to work in a Christmas grotto where they do a play involving that song, and it would just play on loop for hours. And I'd be in that grotto for eight hours listening to that song on loop. Oh, man. I mean, because I know parents of young children already find that song infuriating because children for some reason love that song and they love hearing it over and over again so i've got that kind of yeah i won't go so far as to say ptsd from a grotto but it

feels like it yeah with that song but i think if it if it's your kids play again it's still fucking annoying there's definitely songs that i don't want my kids to play over and over again like what I don't know just like I suppose there's loads of them and they're some meant to be catchy aren't they yeah but it's I don't know there'll be like little things on YouTube they find or like it's more annoying if there's certain toys that like my youngest will play with that will just have like a bit of music on a loop or something but at least it's sort of in the context of being at home you know you can walk in the other room or it's kind of you hear it on the other side of the living room or you can block it out or you're having a conversation but when you're at work and it's just there and it you know kids will replay stuff a lot

in the house but it's not a full eight hourhour shift of, like, one song. So I think you've got it worse in that scenario, definitely. Yeah, I mean, if that's just blaring out on the speakers over a desert island, imagine how long it would take you. This is, I think, this is almost like, you know, in Guantanamo Bay. It's like that, isn't it? Yeah. That's what I've created for myself here. Pretty much, pretty much. So, isn't it? Yeah. That's what I've created for myself here. Pretty much.

Pretty much. So yeah, the Frozen song. I don't even, I can't even, I can remember how it goes, but it's just the repetition of it that gets you, it stops and then you think, am I okay for a bit? And you know you're not

because it's going to start again. It's when you're in that sort of setting when it gets stuck in your head, but you know all the words so setting when it gets stuck in your head but you know all the words so it can really get stuck in your head you can sing along to it in your head it's so frustrating why do I know this?

please get out of my head and there's no surprises there'll never be a surprise it's the only song that's really got into my head and just really stayed there for a long time it's kind of still there if i hear it now i can't stand it yeah i mean i can hear it in my head just from just from thinking about it now my kids don't even really watch frozen how's it got in your head i suppose it's just what is a catchy song isn't it i think it's there's something about frozen where just it got everywhere.

So James, who originally started this podcast, he said his daughter, by the time she was five, had like Frozen dresses, she had posters, she knew all the songs. She'd never even seen the film, but it's so pervasive. It's, you know, she'd sort of seen like just people singing. The merchandise is everywhere. Yeah, it's just everywhere. It permeates society so much that it's just...

I don't even know what the story is. I don't even know what the film's about, but I just know that song. It's about a princess. It always is. Yeah, I don't think it's very good. A lot of those... Because often with the kids,

if you can get on a good Disney Pixar film that they're really into, if you're going to watch Monsters, Inc. over and over again, it's fine. I can deal with that. But Frozen, I just don't think is a very good one. But people love it. I think it's because if it's so much music

and you watch it over and over again, that can really get you. I mean, yeah, that's why the film I would have chosen is any musical, because I think any songs repeated, especially musical theatres or musical films are I can't stand them I just think with musicals often the songs aren't very good songs and the film isn't a very good film like it's quite rare to have ones where like

you like the songs and the film like if you could separate them yeah yeah you know and think both were good I think you know this one's like i suppose team america you could say is a is a musical and you know like bugsy malone those i you know can enjoy but um but the vast majority i'm sure there are good musicals out there and i you know i don't say that i say that as someone who's only really been to see one live but i'm sure there's great ones and i'm sure i'd love them but the whole like the whole personality trait that people have of loving musical theater is what turns me off them it's the whole idea that like the i love musical theater if you don't love musical theater then you don't love joy it doesn't make any sense to me. And I think they're idiots. But the last musical I went to see

was like, it was full of GCSE students because it was about Henry VIII's wives. I don't know how it would help them with their GCSEs to see it in the form of a musical. But it was fine. It was fine. I don't understand. I would help them with their GCSEs to see it in the form of a musical but it was fine I don't understand

I probably, do you know what, musicals I just don't like maybe because I don't like being in a crowd of people maybe it's just that and then not knowing what everyone's enjoying but yeah, any musical I just think there's something about the sort of, it's almost like the

body language and just the way of it's almost like the body language and just the way that it's just so unnatural to you know it's like it's unnatural to break into song isn't it i mean that's really unnatural but even just like like i remember when my mum so my mum was an english teacher and growing up like she desperately wanted me to enjoy shakespeare which i just never did and she she'd always take me to these Shakespeare plays. And there was something about the way the actors, they couldn't just stand like a normal person. There was like a stance.

Or they wouldn't just run off stage. They had to sort of bound off stage. And it was just something about the body language of it all just really annoyed me. And I think it's the same with musicals. There's a lot of sort of back slapping and like and if you're like a character where nothing's happening and you've got to watch you don't just sort of look like a normal person you kind of go hmm put your head forward on your hand you're acting like lean on your knee yes like they're acting all the time

just act damn you act and it's just so like i don't know it's just the actoriness of it you know it's like can't you just be a normal fucking actor i think i think i guess because we've like we've all what we we see most of our acting on tv where it's like quite small and you can see it up close with a camera so people don't need to act quite big and then suddenly you go to the theater and you're like why is everyone shouting at me it me? It doesn't feel natural in any way. So it takes a bit of time to get used to, I guess, maybe. But yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels like a bit much

and it means that you just can't, you can't take anything that's happening on stage seriously because you're thinking, why are they doing that? Rather than just enjoying the story or whatever. But yeah. Yeah. Well, I think, I mean, you've got a two-pronged attack because your song is from a

musical and you know and to be to give you the sound the song i probably need to give you the full soundtrack as well i think for that so um you're gonna have that and and just a great big box set of musicals i guess thank you okay so now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why it would be a small dog uh it would be a small dog uh that barks a lot anything uh and i see a lot of those dogs around london uh it'd be one of them uh simply because you couldn't shut it up uh because anything that's like strange or new it would start like barking uh secondly how do you look after a small dog on a desert island without it sort of injuring itself or killing itself and then people are like

how did you let the small dog die um so yeah a small dog yeah yeah i don't know why they seem to have such a different personality from a big dog they just seem so much more manic i don't know if it's like their heart rate is faster and it just makes them more like they're like mice aren't they where their heart rate is going through like 300 bpm yeah yeah it's they have a manic energy which is like not helpful when you're trying to stay alive yeah and it's always like they are always the really yappy ones that like will just bark at you and it's like i'm obviously not scared really yappy ones that like will just bark at you and it's like i'm obviously not scared of you like i'm not like that one over there that like the massive staff looking one yeah you know that looks like it could like grip my whole torso in

its jaws that's the scary like you're you're not that yeah that doesn't bark at all yeah just confidence i guess yeah and i think like when it's like it's almost like a baby where like its only way of communicating is through making one noise and that's like you know a baby would just cry whereas a dog would a small dog just communicates by barking there's no other nothing else it can do i guess it can't actually like help itself to things a lot of the time it's not big enough to like do certain things so i guess like it's just yeah it's like a baby yeah yeah helpless well that must be why they you see them in handbags so often yeah exactly and yeah i'd have to carry it around in a handbag obviously all the time and if the islands overrun

with them as well so it's uh you're gonna have packs of tiny dogs like one will become the alpha and but it's still not very alpha the thing is you could probably like they probably don't have a a pack mindset uh small domesticated dogs do they so i guess they always need a human owner tell them what to do yeah i don't know how it works with them but um i find them really annoying yeah exactly i find it weird with dogs where like i know it's quite a lot in the park where you know i'll be with my kids or pushing a pram along or but I find them really annoying. Yeah, exactly. I find it weird with dogs where, like, I notice quite a lot in the park where, you know, I'll be with my kids or pushing a pram along or something,

and you just kind of, because they're animals, you just sort of think they're going to have a better sense of spatial awareness and sort of... But quite often they're just fucking idiots and all just sort of, like... Like, I nearly ran one over with the pram the other day because you just sort of think, well, if I keep pushing straight ahead, it will realise I'm here and move out of the way.

And it just didn't. It just backed into it. Or, you know, teaching my other son to ride a bike or something. It's like, watch out for the dog! I guess it's not so much mollycoddled, but the fact is that most people won't try and run it over. So there's no jeopardy involved in its daily life. I guess the best thing for all these dogs is to be put on a desert island where they've got to fend for themselves

yeah they'll figure it out pretty quick then won't they maybe i don't know we'll have to see you'll have to report back somehow if you manage to work out some semaphore or something but um uh well you know it's a lovely icing on a shitty cake so uh so well done for choosing a hateful island of people and things for your for your own demise um it's been a pleasure having you on what are you up to at the minute i mentioned before you sort of pop up in lots of different things um yeah a few well there'll be things popping up soon i think the only thing really is i'll be doing i'll be doing stand-up i'll do my show at the Soho Theatre at the end of May so that I think tickets are available on the website now, still a bit of a way off

but yeah I think 27th to the 29th of May and then apart from that yeah I think there's, yeah go and watch Jamie Dimitri's Netflix special, it's very very good and then a few other things they'll pop out great well

thank you so much for joining us on desert island dicks there and um we'll be back with some more uh content very soon so we've got compact dicks coming up i think we're going to do a best of this week for international women's day do a little top of the cocks which is uh you know our best of episodes so look out for that one as well we've had some very very funny women guests on the podcast over the years so that'll be good and um we'll be back next week with another full desert island dicks so uh yeah in the meantime this has been a sync clap production it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon and produced and presented by me daniel benedictus and also a big shout out as ever to john Deacon, our historian, our archivist for Desert Island Dicks. He knows the subject inside out. So thanks for your support, John.

And yeah, that's it. We'll be back soon with more episodes of this podcast. Bye.