Desert Island Dicks - SUZI RUFFELL

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Happy New Year! The brilliant Suzi Ruffell joins Harriet to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! We’re on Patreon! For as little as £3.50 you will be supporting us to create more episodes of the podcast and as a reward you shall receive early access to episodes and completely ad-free listening. Get it here: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, happy new year, everybody. To kick off the new year,. I've got more dates. They can't stop me. They've tried. I'm going to be in Bath, Oxford, Farnham, all the hotspots. And Manchester again after I got stuck on a train. Desert Island Dicks is on Patreon. If you're a fan of the podcast, go support us on there. And as a reward, you shall receive early access to episodes and completely ad-free listening,

as well as bonus episodes that no one else can hear. The link is in the show notes. I don't know why I'm pointing. I was just going to come up with that. I'm pointing somewhere, right? Make sure you follow us on Instagram at Dickspod, and you can also follow me at Harriet Kemsley, and you can get in touch with the podcast

if you email desertislanddickspodcast at gmail.com. I hope you enjoy this chat as much as I did. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Susie Ruffell. Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Susie Ruffle. Hello, Susie.

Hello. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad to be here. It's quite weird when someone introduces you and you're already here, isn't it? I know, yeah, it is weird. Yeah, we've only had a coffee and then I'm so glad you're here I'm so glad to be here it's quite weird when someone introduces you and you're already here isn't it I know yeah it is weird yeah we've only had a coffee

and then I'm like we've been hanging out for like 45 minutes but I haven't formally introduced you this whole time it's kind of embarrassing

well when I met you in Nero I sort of thought that you might as I thought too Susie Ruffel but you didn't so I've been just waiting for that

yeah yeah now we can finally relax I think now I've done it we've been talking a lot about breathing yes we have yeah now I feel I can breathe yeah we both um are struggling to breathe yeah I don't know if anyone right you don't know if anyone relates to that I just sometimes I start

holding my breath and then um three months have passed like I think I think I need to I think I need to oh I forgot to breathe that's what it is and then I take a breath and then it's just the pattern repeats and I don't I don't know how to make it like a consistent thing in my life. Yeah, it is. It's that stopping, isn't it? And going like, everything's fine. But sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's not.

And I've just been in a plane crash, apparently. You've just been in a terrible plane crash just to make you feel better about everything. Susie, we're imagining that you've been in a terrible plane that helps um yeah you're breathing yeah shallow it's very shallow yes that's bad um so um how did you find putting together your choices for the island well yeah it's quite hard isn't it because you don't want to be like horrible to anyone yes I'm quite I'm quite scared about hurting people's feelings I have that as well I know even when they're quite awful people yeah yeah because you think they've been hurt have that as well. I know. Even when they're quite awful people. Yeah, because you think they've been hurt in the past. Well, yeah, I do kind of

think that. But then I've tried to find people that I think, I don't care if you've been hurt in the past. Yeah. The things I found easier. I don't know if I'm too obvious. I don't know if I'm a basic bitch. I'm sort of fine with it, if I am. I think the thing is even if someone, like, you think you're a basic bitch, like, you'll still

have, like, original feelings as to why. I don't know that I do, but we'll try. Okay, well, I'm trying to help you out here soon. There's nothing I can do. You're literally sending me a life raft. Okay, so who is the first person? So the cabbie I had yesterday. Okay.

I don't know his name. I did take a picture of the inside of his cab of the number because he was so bad. He was so bad. So he picked me up from Victoria to drop me to a gig, you know, just like a taxi rank. And I got in and he was like, he was really cross. And I thought this isn't, I don't think a public facing position is the right profession for you.

More of a hole job. Yeah, like a mole. Like a mole job. Like maybe, yeah, maybe some sort of mole person. Yeah. He was so cross. He was swearing. And like, listen, anyone that's in my stand up will know that like, I'm not afraid of effing and jeffing.

Yeah. I'll swear with the best of them. I like a sailor good for you but oh my god honestly everyone was a wanker and he was like he was swearing at everyone he was doing the wanker sign at a bus I was like that bus is so much bigger than your cab he was so aggressive and then he said to me oh where are you going And I was hosting some awards for women in tech, which is an industry that I'm quite interested in. It's just amazing to celebrate women. It was like an event that I was doing, which was very nice to be invited to be part of it.

And he was like, where are you going? And I never tell people that I'm a stand-up. Never, ever, ever. That's what I do. I always lie. I always say nurse. I've said that to taxi drivers before because then they go, that's great. And then you're hoping they give you a discount.

No, they're just impressed by you. You know what I mean? You sound like a really good person. Aren't you worried about them being like, I've got this sore on my leg? Yes, it does. I've had some follow-up questions that have made me feel a bit panicked. And then what do you do? Do you just say, you've got to see your GP?

Well, no, I obviously tend to the wound. And then I go my way. do you do do you just say like you've got to see your gp well no i obviously tend to the wound yeah so um so yeah it's um you don't want but people knowing you're a stand-up is the that's that's the worst yeah i once said yeah i was once in the back of a cab and someone asked what i did for a living and i panicked but in that moment I said and this is completely true before anyone thinks I'm like making up a story I said I was the assistant stage manager at Lion King which where did that come from I don't I think we were driving past the Lion King by the strand and so I just sort of went I'm assistant stage manager for the Lion King um I love that you didn't even make I'm assistant stage manager for the Lion King.

I love that you didn't even make yourself full stage manager. Yeah, I know, like I haven't got that sort of confidence in myself. You can move the chairs, but you can't make decisions. Yeah, I can't. And then I started like improvising about all the different, he was like, oh, I've seen it. I've seen it. And, and he was, oh, God, all the puppets. And so then I had to be like, then I was like riffing on, oh, well, yeah, they've all got like a special sort of place that you hook them. Yeah.

And I said, it's just all about organisation backstage. And I was like, and I wasn't going on like a short journey. I was going from town to Sydenham, where I lived at the time. It was like the trains, I was drunk, like the trains had finished. It was like maybe one in the morning. And I'm just like doing like a one woman improv show about what it's like

to be the assistant stage manager at the Lion King that's how much I don't want to tell people I'm a stand up that's how bad being a stand up is yeah I agree

I also think being a stand up is a bit of an ick yes like it's a bit embarrassing it's really embarrassing that we need this and it's really embarrassing like the conversations

are so embarrassing because you're like I don't like everyone else's jobs are actually more interesting like what we have to say is actually so boring but people seem to think that what we do is interesting yes yes I my friend's teenage niece said to me I think it's really she didn't know that I was a comic and she went and if I said I worked in comedy and she went I think some comedians are really embarrassing like imagine being a grown-up and your job is to try and make other grown-ups laugh yeah yeah and it is like being a magician or

something it's so cringe yeah even with a magician you can like do something and people go oh that's gonna be impressive yeah whereas like if someone says to you tell a joke it's like no it's and then if you try and oh like I don't really do jokes I do stories this isn't helping with my breathing um this is making me feel so panicked that's the thing they say I'll go and then tell me a joke and you're like, it doesn't work one on one. Like I stare you dead in the eyes

and I tell you a joke with a punchline. We cannot be locked in eye contact as this happens. No, and also like, loads of my jokes

really go around the houses. I'm kind of a storyteller. But then you can't say to someone, I'm a storyteller. That's worse. That's worse. I'm not a stand up, I'm a storyteller.

I'm a storyteller. That sounds like you like, sit around rocks and don't get paid for it. Yes, yes, that's worse. I'm not a stand up, I'm a storyteller. I'm a storyteller. That sounds like you sit around rocks and don't get paid for it. Yes, yes, that's worse. So the cabbie said, what do you do? And I said, I just work in events. That's good. That's more vague. That was good. You handled that.

And he said, what is the event? And I said, oh, it's to celebrate women in tech. And he went, oh, gosh. And I just thought, I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Like, why would he react like, like. And he said, what do they want to all get pampered? And I said, what do you mean by that?

I don't, I don't feel like I go women in tech massage. I don't feel like those two things are like, don't get me wrong. I'm sure women in tech like massages. And I don't think that they're all sort of, they're like, it's not that they're all sort of women that, like, you know, they're not all like the before and she's all that. Do you know what I mean? They're not all in glasses. All they need is a blowout

and take off their glasses. Blowout? How American am I? A blow dry. And, and, but yeah, and so I said,

I don't know what you mean by that because I wanted to be like, oh, fuck off. But I was in his cab and we were in quite a lot of traffic. And he was angry. Yeah I needed to get there and it already like cut across a bus so I felt like he didn't care that much about his life

I'm a mother. Yes. I need to get home. Yes. And he said what do they want to all get pampered and I said oh no not really I think they want to advance tech. And he went so what is it like a dinner and I went yeah I think they'll feed them and then I think he overcharged me it was such a bad experience and in that moment I like took a picture of his thing and then I was like what am I going to do I'm not going to like email the cabbies institute and be like this guy was very rude and he swore a lot and he's very pampered yeah he was very sexist well not advertly but it felt very sexy yeah um and so i obviously i

took this sort of thing where i go i'm going to take a picture of that and then i'm going to do something and then of course i never will because then i then i worry then i go he's probably got a sad life because if you're that angry when someone gets in your cab, something bad's happened. Yeah. But he was very cross. Was it a cab or was it an Uber? No, it was a cab.

So I was actually quite relieved for that plastic between us. Yes, yes. I think sometimes they can be the angriest. Yeah. But isn't it like support cabs don't get in Ubers? No, yeah. But I would say that and you want a lot of time like the whole thing is like oh they're friendly but i know about

london very friendly yeah well yeah but what you're telling me about london i don't like i would hope my um since getting a divorce my uber rating has gone up so high it's like the best sign that i should have got a divorce like um since not being with Bobby my Uber rating is like so good why is that um Bobby um I know the guy he's a great man he's great he's great but he like there's a lot of back and forth there's a lot of back and forth happening um and now I am and now I just feel like I'm my best self like it's just like it's proved no matter what that the divorce was the right thing. And that is what you judge things on.

Yes, yes, my Uber rating. Yeah, love it. I know I'm in a bad place when my Uber rating's down. Someone, I don't remember who it was, one year in Edinburgh, someone put their Uber rating and some of their stars on their poster. Like five stars Uber.

And I remember thinking it was so funny. Yeah, that's really funny. Such a good idea. Not easy to get five stars. No, it's not. It's really not. So I was trying to support the cabbies. They were, he was just so cross, so cross that I wanted to be.

And I know this is like a really cliche thing to say by like Gen Z's online. But like, I wanted to be like, who hurt you? Yeah. Like, what's the story here, babe? Yeah. You're like, I don't think, you're in the wrong lane. Like, I know how to drive. You are in the wrong lane. And that bus is in the right lane yeah and buses have right of way like that

it's just a bus dude like it's a double-decker you're in London like he was absolutely livid and then he said sorry about swearing and I thought you've already said fuck 72 times if you were sorry about swearing you would have stopped after the first anyway I felt very stressed and I was very relieved when I got to where I was going. He's going in. This is great. This is great. I would hate to be.

He would be so cross. Imagine if you just had a plane crash and then you kind of you put yourself out of it and then sat on a tree stump facing you. It's him. Yeah. And he was just like, oh, women in tech. That woman was driving that plane yeah it was a man we both heard him okay who's the second person Katie Hopkins yes I mean yeah quite obvious I

didn't want to be super obvious because then they go oh well I don't want to do people that people have done before but at the same time I want to be honest to you about who that was my stomach I'm sorry um that was and so I just think she is so awful so awful that you remember that time that you put a target on her head do you remember that a target oh okay she was like this is what it feels like being a white woman in England and someone responded being like yes yes, because you've made the target and you've put it on yourself. She's just so dreadful. That's a great response. Yeah. She's just so dreadful.

And I just, I think she's giving white women a bad name. I know. It's really hard when you're like, oh God, I'm in this. I hate her. She's so... And I don't get it. I wonder if she's not that bad and she pretends to be that

because that's where her career is. Yeah, that's it. It's like the more you misbehave in these kind of fields, the more you're rewarded for it. And that's what's so tricky. I mean, she might be our she might be our prime minister in a few years i mean like this is the well i read a thing the other day that said when america has a cold england sneezes about like we get like a version

of whatever they've got and i was like after trump and i was like oh god oh god yeah she's like because there's so many people, like, that would have been, like, you know, Nigel Farage would be someone that I couldn't bear spending time with or, like, Matt Hancock or, like, any of those, like, Boris. Like, there are so many of those. But Katie Hopkins, I think, just, I think the thing with Katie Hopkins as well is that, like,

I sort of don't believe it. And I think that sort of makes it worse. She's just a hate piece for money. Do you remember when she went on This Morning with Holly and Phil RIP? RIP to his career. I mean, not RIP. Don't rest in something. Rest on his island.

Yeah, right. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah., I mean, rest in something. Rest on his island. Yeah, right. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, how are you? She was on Holly and Phil, and she was talking about how she hates it when people name their children after places. She was like, Brooklyn Beckham and this and that,

and kids called London. And then Holly Willoughby was like, isn't your daughter called India? And she was like, yeah, but that's a beautiful name. And it's like, I can't work out whether she's... So you must be doing, that's it, and then you're like, you must be doing it on purpose. This must be on purpose.

Yes, yes. Which I think makes her so much worse. Because if it's someone and you go, oh, well, you're just awful. Also, I feel like really sorry for her kids. Like, imagine going to school and people being like, oh, what do your mum and dad do? And being like...

My mum does Katie Hopkins. That's what she does. Yeah. Oh, do do you know you know every time there's like something terrible has happened in the world and they just like they need a woman that's as awful as all the men that's my mum but they need someone to just be hateful they have to balance yeah she's the balance of yeah yeah yeah yeah like how oh imagine like having to organize like she was like one of the mums at the school gate being like i'm gonna have to organize a play date and she's gonna have to come around like i just don't get it like i think she's just so hateful yeah yeah and i just i feel like and you know my fear would be that we would end up on this island together and she would have

some sort of redeemable features and that is what I couldn't stand. So I can't, I can't, like, I would have to go and, like, make my own hut. I wouldn't want to be like, do you know what, after I spent time with her, she does sort of do it for money, but actually I understood why.

Like, I don't, I mean, I don't think I would ever get to that point, but I just, she just needs to go. Imagine if you came out being best friends with Katie Hopkins. It just wouldn't wouldn't happen yeah but that is a reality show I would like to see what me you and Katie Hopkins me and me going on holiday with like yes terrible people yeah yeah I mean it's why like I would I would find something like doing I'm a celebrity like I don't think that would suit me because that's so much of it being like we're gonna put in this lefty lesbian not you know not to say that they would but like

are we gonna put this lefty lesbian with like someone who said that she shouldn't have the right to marry let's see what that happens let's see if she likes that or not yeah it's like it's yeah those sort of polar opposites of things I just just, I just, I think as well, I kind of find people like that really scary that like don't have a line. You know, Elon Musk almost made it on the list as well of like, you know, with all those riots that were happening. You go, you don't, you never, these people will never go, oh, I got that wrong.

Or stop to think about the fact that like i feel like i worry about everything i say i'm so aware of absolutely everything i say like i have i have anxiety about most things yeah 100 of the time 98 of the time like i worry i'm going to say the wrong thing accidentally insult someone when i didn't really mean to say that to be misinterpreted yeah in something that i say like I'm because I would hate to hurt someone's feelings and I think it's because I'm so sensitive like I my feelings get hurt like I'm pathetic I'm like like you're hurting your own feelings right yeah yeah yeah and I'm gonna cry on the way back to writing but you know what I mean like I'm so worried about about upsetting

someone that I just don't understand these people that are like oh well I said that that's what I said that's what I think and but I I would like a bit more of that like I do that there is such a freedom in that like I don't think it's good for the world but I think there is I do think an in-between is better like I don't think we should be like going around being so worried 100% oh you know people that just like oh I just don't oh yeah that happened and then I didn't really think about it and I'm like oh I imagine scenarios that haven't happened where I so we should get Katie Hopkins to teach us, to teach people with anxiety how to just not give a fuck. That's her use. That's what she could be useful for.

Yeah, that feels very Channel 5. And I'm not against it. Okay, we're doing it. We're doing it. Okay, who's the third person? Again, I worry if it's obvious, but it was toss-up between two tosses okay yeah which was um jeremy clarkson or um oh god no liam fox no what's his name the fox man uh lawrence fox lawrence fox yes so i don't know i think it's lawrence fox you think it's Lawrence Fox, yeah. I think it's Lawrence Fox, yeah. I got very, I found Jeremy Clarkson with all the farmer stuff really annoying

because he had literally publicly said, I've bought this farm to get out of inheritance tax. I know. And then he had promoted Brexit. Him and Nigel Farage had both promoted Brexit, which was terrible for farmers. Yeah. And now they've come to farmers and gone, thank God we're here.

Like our lives are worse. Your lives are worse because of us. Yeah. And now they've come to farmers and gone, thank God we're here. Like our lives are worse. Your lives are worse because of us. Yeah. Because of people like, because people like Jeremy Clarkson buying up land is why they've had to put in this tariff, this tax. And the farmers just not realise it.

Like there was one guy there who was like, I'm a farmer. And then some people did some deep dive on him. And he was like, no, he used to be like hedge fund boss at HSBC. He left with like hundreds of millions. Like, it's not the same.

And so, like, I feel like if you're going there in a barber jacket, I don't know that you're the same people that are really worrying about, like, genuinely handing down a farm to your child. I think it's a very different thing. Like, I grew up, my dad was a farmer and I grew up, like, around farmers. And so it is very difficult because I think the industry has been like so difficult, like to, the prices have gone down and like the genuine farmers have gone up, but the costs have gone, have gone up as well.

So it's like impossible to like make money, but then that's it. Yeah. It's all the people in finance that are like, I want to have a little farm, you know, and then I want all the tax cuts for my little farm. Like that's the problem. So we make six or six a year. Yeah. But well so do I.

Yeah or they're creating these mega farms and then it's like they're getting all the breaks for it yeah it's yeah it's definitely a very a very tricky thing. So I found that but it's it's not I also just find feel like he'd be really aggressive Jeremy Clarkson you know the whole punching a runner for getting them the wrong dinner when he was on top gear I don't know red flag for me for me it's a red flag I if I'm given the wrong dinner I don't even mention it I just yeah yeah yeah yeah I just I just eat it and I think I deserve this yeah I don't like it I'm allergic I just I just eat it and I think I deserve this. Yeah. I don't like it. I'm allergic. I just got to get through it. Hope for the best. You're like.

Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's. But Lawrence Fox is. Yeah. Really hateful. When he.

Like one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen is him in his garden burning a pride flag. It's just like so. Like it's just so strange yeah it's so strange to be so angry at me I mean obviously because I take everything very personally that pride flag is me um but it was like I just find that such a, him and his, like, it's like, you're born into, like, incredible wealth, into an acting family. So you've got, like, so many, you've been given such a sweet deal. To then be like, I'm going to burn this product. Like, it's just so embarrassing.

How is he not embarrassed of himself? Like, I just, how do you have so little self-awareness to be like oh my god I look like such a prick but is it those things it's like for it's for attention it's like these are the things

that work and that's what's so difficult because it's like it's it's so hard when it's like so personal but you have to just

like to not get riled up by it but then you're like you have to laugh at it because the thing is that he thought he would be James Bond and what he is is a man You should just laugh at it. You have to laugh at it, yeah. Because the thing is that he thought he would be James Bond.

And what he is, is a man who doesn't see his kids burning a flag in his garden. Like, all you can do is laugh at that. Because you're like, oh, dude, this is not the dream, is it? You really thought, like, look at who your cousins are. Look at who your, like, at who your like grandparents are like you thought it's gonna be so different and then like it's you're oh it's so embarrassing so embarrassing like to be given all the options but i think yeah i think especially when you like you and i both don't come from like the industry like oh my god it must be so nice to be like to grow up in a family where people are like oh well

this is how like drama school works or this is how the arts works whereas like if you're someone that's like not at all from that world you're like oh I suppose I'll do this I suppose I'll do that but like to have that sort of like leg up and then to still not work like you've got to be so shit that must be so annoying. I think it's just that it's... But some people are just unembarrassable, I think. Like, I think, yeah, I definitely could do with more of that. And it's definitely got easier not to be embarrassed and just living life is like, I think,

but to be purposefully kind of doing things to rile people up is just... It's so childish. Yeah, it's so childish yeah it's so weird it's what's the end game again like I feel really sorry for these people's kids I don't know how

I often think about like whatever you do sort of less so for my daughter now because she's only four but like when you've got like I imagine when you have

like a teenager you kind of have to be a bit careful that like you don't embarrass them I do hope they reset the internet if they could just

in five to six years, if somebody could just unplug it and we could just start again, that would be really helpful just for my daughter's future. What would be the most embarrassing routine or something that's on YouTube? I just find everything I do embarrassing. I'm just constantly embarrassed of myself. You're really funny. Oh, God.

But when you embarrass yourself, it's great for the rest of us. It's like my brand. And I embarrass yourself it's great for the rest of us it's like my brand and i'm living it just embarrassing myself constantly i'm just a walking i'm here i'm a walking lawrence fox but i'm aware of it that's the problem you're not stopping anyone though you're just knocking people's i oh no i've accidentally knocked the pride flag into the fire. My favourite moment that we've ever shared was when we were having dinner in Belfast together and you said to me, the trouble is with me is that I'm really clumsy and as you did it, you knocked a glass of red wine all over me.

And it was like so perfectly timed. We were talking earlier about how we've blocked certain things out. You forgot that? I remember the dinner. Do you remember it now? It was so lovely. But yeah, it's like completely come back to me. But I loved it because I was like, she's unapologetically herself.

Like Katie Hopkins. Or is she? I am apologetic though. I'm actually apologetically myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next tour. Apologetically myself. There we go.

Done it. Now, Susie, mercifully. Mercifully. How do you say that word? Mercifully. Yeah, that, yeah. Next tour. Apologetically myself. Apologetically myself. There we go. Done it. Now, Susie, mercifully, mercifully. How do you say that word? Mercifully. Yeah, that's right. Mercifully. Amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? I don't think anyone likes smoked salmon. Interesting. That is interesting. I think it's like weird texture, weird taste, too fishy. Like, please cut that bit out by itself. Like, I just, you know, people are like, oh, cream cheese and smoked salmon.

It's just like, it's a funny texture. I don't know. I just, do know, people are like, oh, cream cheese and salmon. It's just like, it's a funny, it's a funny texture. I don't know. I just, do you like it? See, this is interesting because I actually love salmon, but I can't eat it. Because you're allergic. What else would you be? What could you eat? No, it's because I'm vegetarian.

And I was eating fish because my friend Sam said I needed the brain cells. And so I was like eating a lot of fish and then I heard a story about how when salmon are killed they um they let out a noise which is like a song it's known as like the salmon song and they they like let like a cry like um and so when they kill it's the inspiration for Frozen yeah yeah yeah I think it was Zell actually who went and listened yeah I've got it

that's literally how I imagined it in my head though but sadder and so like there's this famous like salmon song that's just lower sorry you did that yeah

they let out this like salmon song where they're like crying and then well they cry too they cry when they're killed you know this like sad song of like're like crying. And then... What, they cry too? They cry when they're killed. No, this like sad song of like mourning because they're being killed. And then like, they all like harmonize with, I don't know exactly.

Do they harmonize? They make this song. I feel like that might be something you've added. This beautiful song. In my mind, in my mind, it's a beautiful song. It's on the soundtrack to Frozen. And I was like, I can't eat them anymore. Even though a Pret-a- pret a manger sandwich a smoked salmon sandwich was like the easiest like best food for me and

when they have the little bellinis with the salmon on it i love it so i disagree with you i think it's nice but i think um it's inhumane to eat them okay well then i mean we'll we'll agree for different reasons okay it's bad okay we both think it's bad, but you think it's disgusting. I just don't like the texture. Yeah, so it's like, because smoked salmon, I don't like it when it's cooked. That's not smoked salmon.

That's just cooked salmon. No, I like it cooked. Okay, okay. But that's what I don't like, because that's the bones. You just take the bones out of it. No, not how I do it. I'm getting a few of those bones stuck in my throat.

That's a problem with that. Harry, a nice girl, but if you're a sinner, eat a salmon. Why? She goes for it. So when it smokes, is it the same with, do you feel like that with all raw fish? Do you know what? I do quite like sushi. You are a hypocrite.

I'm a hypocrite? Oh, I'm a hypocrite. Yeah, interesting. I'm a hypocrite. I'm a hypocrite yeah yeah interesting I'm a hypocrite I'm a hypocrite am I hypochondriac what would you want I'm an amateur

but I yeah I do quite like but I don't like any of the Samney bits I don't know I just feel like it's overrated I feel like people

are like oh it's so fancy and I'm like fuck off what's the white bit in between it do you think you know when it's like pink and then it's What's the white bit in between it, do you think? You know when it's like pink and then it's got like the white lines? What is that?

Memories. Oh, God, Susie. Now I'm never going to be able to eat fish. My brain cells are just depleting. It's over. It's over for me. Okay. Well, this bodes badly for you on a desert island, I will say, because it's going to

be raw fish. Well, I think I'd cook it because I'd make a little fire. What, you'd smoke it? Mm. Yeah. This fish is terrible. Really cheap gags here today. I don't know if Jeremy Clarkson,

I think Jeremy Clarkson's going to be big on the fish, on the raw fish, I think. I think that if these three people are on the island, I'm like, I'm by myself. Yeah. Yeah, it's just you and the fish. I'm just going to have to be, I'm just going to have to go and make friends with the animals. Yeah. Yeah.

So what drink, what's the drink? Like the sort of coffee that you get from a machine from a service station. You know when it like tastes sad? the sort of coffee that you get from a machine from a service station. Mm-hmm. You know when it, like, tastes... sad? Do you know what that tastes like, I mean? When it's, like, too hot and then, like, really bitter. Yeah.

Doesn't matter how much sugar you put in, it's like... And then it leaves, like, a film around your mouth. But, like, you need it because you're driving home from... Insert town here. See this, I think this is, that's a factor maybe towards the sad coffee

is because of our sad little lives. Trying to show off, showing off for people, trying to get the laughs we didn't get at school. Then on the motorway late at night drinking our sad little coffees

trying to stay awake so we can get it home. Yeah, do you think that's a factor in the sadness? Or you think it's just the taste? It could be from anywhere. Excuse me. The taste is like, yeah, it's just.

I've drunk coffees that have gone like, as I'm drinking, I'm like, that's so bad. Like, aloud. It's just such a terrible. I think great coffee is so good. But bad coffee is just awful i agree but sometimes i get confused about like what is good like sometimes like what is good coffee what is bad coffee because sometimes it's like if it's too i don't like if it is too coffee like do you know what i mean like if it's like too strong that's is that what i mean i don't like it too

strong like i like I like filter coffee yes I also like I like American like filter diner coffee oh where they come round and keep filling you up I love that like a breakfast

I love that I love that it's lovely isn't it because you can feel like you're in a movie it feels like you're in a movie you have pancakes you have a coffee

I feel like you're in Harry Met Sally you're about to take an orgasm I love it yeah I'm obviously faking my orgasm every morning. That's actually not related to the story.

It's not related to the film in any way. But yeah, I love that. But then sometimes, you know, like, there's like, I'm trying to work out my coffee game, basically. It's very interesting to put this up. So what do you want? And I'll try and help.

Because I like coffee. So I want that. But then I also, sometimes I have coffee. And then it also sometimes I have coffee and then it just like it's too. It's like it's got like a taste and everyone's like, this is really good coffee. But it has like a like a bitterness to it that I don't like. I think you need something like milkier. Yeah. Yeah.

Because if you don't get like a cappuccino, it's too foamy. You're busy with the foam or you're getting coffee or you're getting this coffee. You want to go for... Is there a way of having a milky coffee with a foam on top? Not really. Are you living for the foam? I do like a bit of foam.

Well, I think I like the chocolate. I think that's the problem. Why don't you just get like a flat white and put chocolate on the top? A flat white with a cappuccino top. Flat white with a cappuccino. Have I invented something? Maybe.

That's good. A flappuccino. A cappuccino top. Flat white with a cappuccino. Have I invented something? Maybe. That's good. A flappuccino. A flappuccino. That's beautiful. I love that. And so you're quite like a coffee connoisseur. Oh, I wouldn't go that far. I just have a coffee most days.

A couple, probably. Yes. Yeah. And I want to become somebody that knows it. Like, I've got this Nespresso machine. And I've realised I don't like it. Right. I drink this Nespresso machine and I've realised I don't like it. Right. I drink it because it's there and I feel like I'm saving money.

You're like a vanilla one or something where it's got like some sugar in it. I don't like this. I don't actually like the sugar. This is it. I like, I don't know what I like. I don't know what I like. I'm trying. You are a Rubik's cube.

I cannot work you out. I think post-divorce I'm finding myself. We're finding, we're working things out. But I want to know that I, what I like. And I don't know what I like. Yeah. I'm lost. Yes, I we're working things out but I want to know that I what I like and I don't know what I like I'm lost yes I do like

a French press yeah yeah but I don't like it sometimes when it's like really I don't know how to describe it I like it like a filter

but I don't like an Americano that's what I mean what is the difference I think filter coffee I like Americano I don't like I think Americano is stronger okay

I think that's what it is I think that a what it is i think that a filter coffee will be much much weaker because they because you can just keep filling it up whereas you don't have too many americano i don't want to be a weak a weak coffee person i i never liked coffee and then when i became a stand-up i started sort of forcing myself to drink it because so much about being a comic was about the idea of being a stand-up yeah yeah yeah going to coffee shops writing seinfeld having a coffee yeah yeah yeah like I just because I love as soon as I started doing stand-up I loved it from such like a and I still do I really love stand-up it's my favorite thing

to do um and I like I loved having like a little notebook with me I loved going for a coffee I love jotting down ideas. I mean, I probably never said any of them out loud, but I really bought into the idea of being a comic. It was quite a big part of my first few years as a stand-up. And I think I didn't like coffee when I started it. And now I just have to drink it. That's it.

I remember that when I started drinking coffee, I worked at this Tea Ro rooms and I didn't like I didn't. Sorry to brag. I didn't I didn't like coffee, but I made myself like it. It was like loads of sugar syrup and you just like force yourself into it. And then you have like then you can kind of like smoking. It's like smoking. Yeah. Yeah. You start with the menthols. Yeah. I mean, it's been a really long time since I smoked, but I definitely didn't like it. Oh, me too.

Me too. You don't make menthols anymore, do they? You've got to get them on the dark web. I had one last night. You had a menthol cigarette last night? Oh my God, what was it like? It was so exciting. It was so exciting.

Where did you get them from? So I did, this is so bad. Smoking is so bad and I really think it's so bad. I haven't smoked in years, but I'm just interested. I want to know about it. And I don't want to promote it because I really think it's bad. But I'm in the first year out of a divorce and I think it's fine. I think it's fine, babe.

I think it's fine. And I've stopped buying them, which means I have to convince other people to buy them. So I've become the worst person yes you're the worst person yeah the worst person so um I had to convince um your friend of mine um Sunil Patel last night to buy cigarettes um because I couldn't break my vow and buy them but where did you well this was it we couldn't find them because we'd I'd done my show at a theatre we were trying to find somewhere and then we're literally like on google maps trying to find somewhere to buy cigarettes but because it was like midnight there was no you can't buy them in a shop anymore you can't buy them in um like you can't buy them in like um But because it was like midnight, you can't buy them in a shop anymore.

You can't buy them in, like, Tesco's are shut and then you can't buy them in, like, a pub anymore. And so we had to find it. When have you been buying fags in pubs? My God, that's like, that's so long ago. That's when we were 17, didn't it? Remember buying fags in pubs? They always have fag machines. It'd be like four quid for a bag of fags.

Yeah, that was it. And I used to come back from nights out in the local nightclub just covered in cigarette burns like cigarette burns like all over my eyes yeah like my arms and i'm clumsy and and then um we found this place called um i think it was like it's quite a vague memory but i think it was called fuel uh it's like this um this shop on oxford street i think it was called fuel and um they had um cigarettes but then he like said with it we said oh can we get some camel blues he he said I only have sterling golds and he said it like

with a smile and we were like fuck it looks like we're getting sterling golds but then half of the pack was menthol sterling yeah

they are like they're like having a sovereign do you remember a sovereign I do oh Jesus a pal mal oh my god yeah or like

I remember having like occasionally having like a Marlboro Red a Marlboro Red it was like painful yeah yeah and then when

Marlboro Lights were a thing I just felt so much like Carrie Bradshaw that's it so embarrassing that's it well I used to smoke when I lived in New York

I lived in New York for a year and I used to smoke Marlboro Lights and then like near the end of the year somebody said to me oh you know that if you smoke Marlboro Lights, it's a sign that you're a slut.

I was like, oh my God. Oh my God, I'm not even getting laid. I'll have another two packets. Bartend. I'm like, get me some more. One in each hand. You should do another fag. Yes.

Anyway, smoking is bad. I've stopped doing it apart from now and again when I get drunk and then I have a cigarette and I make somebody else buy it That's good of you So what's your coffee set up at home? Alice has this coffee machine

That's my wife She has like this Smeg coffee machine Smeg? Yeah What colour Smeg? Sorry? What colour? It's black

And it makes quite nice coffee so I usually have one of those Do you put the beans in or do you have pods? They're like they're almost like tea bags No No they are coffee

I don't like it though It's not okay I've heard of this. They're good for the environment. It's like a tea bag with coffee in it. But yeah, but you just press it

into the, one of those little things go into it. Oh, you've got the movie pan thing. You put it into it. Oh, okay. And then you clip it into.

So you're not dipping and dunking. Oh, I'm not dipping. You're not dipping and dunking. Oh, I'm not an animal. I've heard of these. I'm not an animal. Okay, I'm just joking.

You're not an animal. I'm not dipping and dunking. No, I've got a coffee machine. Great heard of these. I'm not an animal. Okay, I'm just joking. You're not an animal. I'm not dipping and dunking. No, I've got a coffee machine. Great. What did you think? The Smeg was there just for ornamental purposes. So we've got a Smeg coffee machine and then I make it with a teabag. But they're these nice...

Okay, yeah. I don't know what brand it is. There's a donkey on it. Sure. And they're very nice. Or I'll have like a French press. I've recently bought... I mean, this isn't related to coffee, but I've recently bought a teapot,

which, is this podcasting? Is this content? I don't know. But honestly, it's changed my life, because I've been on a writing project, and so I make a pot of tea. That's actually lovely. I make a pot of tea. I bought myself a tiny little jug, and I take it to my office

where I do my writing that's the next thing that's going to come back teapots don't you think that's such a thing from my childhood of like

my mum bringing out a pot of tea and everyone's sitting down and having it and I haven't seen that in so long bring it back and I made a pot of tea

and we shared a pot of tea and it was it felt very nice it felt like I was with my nan but I wasn't that's what I want to do she's not my nan she but I wasn't. That's what I want to do. She's not my nan.

She's not your nan. I want to do that. You want a teapot? I want a teapot. Okay, I'll buy you a teapot. Is it that we're bringing it back, or is it that just we're at that age where it's inevitable? Oh, no. No.

Is that what it is? Yeah, it might be. Oh, dear. Let's move on. Oh, dear, that's move on let's move on quickly suzy fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one has your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why well so film i film, I mean, I'll go and watch most things. Like, not that I ever go to the pictures anymore,

although I do have a date for Wicked. Is that like a, what is that? I think it's like a, my mum and dad and my nan called it the pictures. They're going to the pictures? Yeah, everyone calls it the cinema, I know. Yeah. Is that like an old, like an old-fashioned thing?

I think it's an old-fashioned thing, yeah. I'm going to the talkies. Because I love it That I was like Is that American Or is that It's just like old fashioned No I think it's old fashioned Yeah

I think Yeah I think When I was growing up There was the ABC picture house And so we'd go to the pictures Go into the pictures Yeah

Yeah And then I've just never grown out of it And then I It's yeah Yeah I didn't even And then I'm not trying to say it

To be like quirky, just sort of what I say. No, I love it. I like it. I also say five and 20 past rather than 25 past, which is definitely my nan. I also say a tuppence, tuppence a piece. I also say, no, women shouldn't work.

Women in tech, what? I'm the driver. I'm the driver of the cab. Ah, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. women in tech what I'm the driver I'm the driver of the cab interesting yeah yeah and so I although yeah

I do love going to the pictures we do have date night in to go and see Wicked next week which I can't wait for but the apparently

believe the hype I can't wait to watch it anyway that's not the film obviously the film is I find action films I'm not massively find action films,

I'm not massively into action films. I'm not into it. And also, because of like, you know that they show you like, you can watch like behind the scenes stuff now. I just imagine like Tom Cruise being like carried by like someone all wearing green. Do you know what I mean? I just imagine the whole time all I'm thinking is, this is CGI, it's all done on computers.

I would actually rather watch that film. Oh, my God. I'd rather watch it with the guy in green in it. Yeah, totally. That's what they need to do. Yeah. And so I find all of that stuff, it's just not really for me. So, or anything really gory.

You're quite squeamish. Well, it doesn't make me feel sick or anything. I just find that it plays on my mind afterwards. Do you find this? Do you like walk down, like when you're walking home from a gig, I worry about like being garrotted.

What is garrotted? Does anyone know? Is it like? Again, another old fashioned demise. I'm in Sweeney Todd. Come see it.

I just really worry about being hung, drawn and quartered. It really plays on my mind as I'm walking down the street. But I tell you what I just really worry about being hung, drawn and quartered. It really plays on my mind as I'm walking down the street. But I tell you what I would love to do, go on one of those stretching machines. I feel like the first... That would feel good. It would feel good.

The first 10 seconds would be so good. After that, so bad. But the beginning bit... Well, I do Pilates Reformer. Me too. It's basically that. Do you do it? Yeah, I really...

I love it. I'm obsessed with it. I love Pilates Reformer. It's exercise while you're lying down. I can't recommend it enough. It's so good, isn't it? But you may really feel it the next day. Yeah, it's great. I love it i'm obsessed with it it's exercise while you're lying down i can't recommend it enough so good isn't it but you may really feel it the next day yeah yeah it's great yeah do you have the one in beckonham um no um around me around me like dalit and stuff yeah oh i loved it yeah it's really good oh my god i would love that then no one else likes it the giggles yeah

we get who does it i'm not very good at it and I'm like all over the place, but I like it. I can imagine. Not that you're not good at it. I can imagine like your feet in straps. It's wild. There's a lot of me going, no, you've said what that is, but I don't understand. I still can't imagine where I put my limbs. It is so good. Do you know who does it?

No. And they've got a great body. Brett Goldstein. Of course. Of course Brett does it. And hugging him is like hugging a tree okay great I'm gonna I've got to keep it up I'm gonna keep going till I get um more tree more tree that's the goal um so anyway so yeah so I'm what I find gore a bit much because I worry about something horrible happening to me and I've got quite like a big imagination so i can really do it in technicolor yeah um and then um but i think that i think something like

fast and furious 7 would be something that i would find really yeah like any of those sort of franchisee action movies yes i think particularly after the first the first one but then at seven you're like where are what does this yeah and like do i need the previous six yes yeah if that's the only one that was on the in-flight system the story that they set up turns out no um but um it and it's like it gets so ridiculous with those things isn't it it's like the car has to be going 300 miles an hour like underwater and it's like it can't like it? It's like the car has to be going 300 miles an hour, like underwater. And it's like, it can't just be, because they have to build it up and up and up.

So I don't think any, like, I'm using that one as an example, but sort of any of those films that have got like, you know, they're on their like 20th version of it. Like I just don't really, those action movies just aren't really for me. I loved Speed. Ones like that that like have a bit more of like,

the bus can't go over, and they're trying to, like, that I loved. But maybe it was because when I watched it, I was like a teenager and it felt really cool and Sandra Bullock's cool. And is there a bit of romance in Speed? Yeah, I think so. I think it's like, that's what I need. I need a bit of romance.

I need a bit of, I can't just have action, like, I don't care. I need, like, I need people to be falling in love. I need some physical sexual action happening. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. And then song, I'm Blue by I Feel Like I'm Five. I haven't had that play in my song. And now that song play in my head for so long.

Yeah, I'm really sorry. And now it's playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my school disco. That's the same hit. Yeah, I'm really sorry. And now it's playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my school disco. That's the same hit. Yeah, Jack. That was, yeah. He lives in a blue house

with a blue window. Who was he? He was blue. He was blue? He was blue. He was blue, but he had a blue window. I would die.

Everything in his world is blue. Yes, but what does it mean? It just feels like, my fear would be that the in-flight system, because of the plane crash, that would be playing on loop. And I think, I think it would only be probably on play 30. Imagine if it could never stop.

That's a Black Mirror episode, isn't it? Yeah, I feel like by just play 30, my sort of mental capacity would start fraying. Yeah. I think by play like 65, I wouldn't know who I was. I would think that I was blue. You've really created a real horror because you've really made this a soundtrack of the island.

This is, imagine it being blasted out of tannoys or something. Yeah, really bad. But it would be really tinny as well because it would be coming out of like the this is the 46th plane going to London. You know, I don't know what the number 46 plane is.

I sort of improvised something and realised, I don't know. You think of planes like buses. I'm just going to the number 46 plane is I sort of improvised something and realised I don't know you think of planes like buses I'm just going to catch the 46 yeah I'm going to go back to Gatwick but yeah so that would be my anything that has that sort of my wife's quite into like

dance and techno and I don't like it but I will once upon a time I was like it's all terrible now I will concede that there are sort of, there are quite good tracks that she'll be like, no, but listen to this. It's really good, listen to the beat drop. But anything that has that sort of like,

ding, ding, ding, like that sort of repetition, I feel like for me that's where like madness lies. Some of my friends were really into like dance music in my early 20s. And I just, I just would go there and I just wouldn't know what to do I'd just be bored by it

like I need like I need lyrics I need lyrics and I need like a I don't know like a bit more substance yeah to it

I need like my ideal night would be like almost like power ballads yeah I don't know I don't know about that no

not with me on that one no I'm happy I'm happy for you you wouldn't come with me if it was like Belinda Carlisle I think the people there would be annoying

Wilson Phillips it's just me and you no one else is coming it's I don't want people to be like dropping to their knees and clutching their chest while they're singing

sure you don't want someone to be like doing the full choreography for like a prayer I don't want the face I don't want the face of like you know

that face of people when they're like really. Do you find musical theatre people annoying? I would, I mean, you could say that. Yeah. Would they be on your island like the kids from Glee?

Maybe. Yeah. I think I would be on your. You'd be on my island. Well, yeah, I like. Yeah,

I'm quite into musicals. I'm quite into musicals and I did grow up doing them and I like, I remember going'm quite into musicals. I'm quite into musicals and I did grow up doing them. And I like, I remember going to a workshop to learn the full choreography for the Chicago musical in the West End. And I think I still remember a lot of it. And what if we were at a party, would we bust it out? You better believe it. Yeah, I love, but the thing is, I maybe I'm just jealous.

Like, I love the idea of doing a dance, but I can't do a dance. I will be the opposite way. I'll be facing the wrong show. I can't follow. There's a picture of me. I did this show and Mel B was on it. And we got to get up and dance to a Spice Girls track. And in the picture, everyone is facing one way and I'm facing the other way.

It's just like that was my chance. I can't do it. And so it's just jealousy. It's pure jealousy. You know, like I can't, I can't do it. And so it's just jealousy. It's pure jealousy. It's okay. I do think, I will concede that. I do think like we're musical theatre people are quite annoying. Yeah, you are a bit annoying as well, to be fair.

Yeah. It's the enthusiasm. You like bring it down. Yeah. Come on. No, I just won't. Yeah. But I was very serious about it as a team.

And that's annoying. I would say things like I'm on vocal rest because I'm doing a show this week when I was like 14 and the show would be in like the hall of the local boys school I I took it embarrassingly painfully seriously I really I really dreamt of being like a West End Wendy and so like the closest I had to that was being in a youth amateur dramatic society do you think you could still do that though maybe? You could do something maybe on the West End. I really dream of one day playing Madame Tenardier in Les Mis.

I don't know if you know who that is. Don't know who that is. It's the master of the house's wife. Although she's not just his wife, she is her own person. But that's the easiest way to describe it. Helena Bonham Carter played her in the film. And then it's like a great role because i can sing but i'm not like amazing and i can dance okay and can she be a bit like screechy she could be she's like more talky singy yeah but i can hold a tune but yeah i don't know if the does the casting director for

that listen to this do you know i don't know it's so interesting though because it's so interesting what people hate and people love like andrew Andrew Maxwell was on and he was just talking about how much he hates Les Mis. And then you love Les Mis. And it's just this is just what the world is. Yeah. I mean, I just kind of watch any musical and I'll listen to it like going around my day. And I know that people are like. Do you find yourself skipping ever? No, but like I do think I do find myself like tapping my foot it's interesting or like walking with a and i know it's like it's that was good shoulder action by the way it's

really um there's something like quite embarrassing about it like i found all this wicked stuff this week being like really liberating my friend teaches at a drama school and um she's an actress as well and she said that some of the kids from her drama school had gone to see wicked at 7 a.m before coming to class and she said they were the most excited they'd been ever she said it was like the most glorious day at work that is lovely but i imagine too many other people they would be the most annoying people on the planet but i would see them and be like my people shall we shall we do some tap well that's what I think you're like more like you're like uh you're a stand-up and so you think you're more

like cool no no no no no no I'm not gonna say cool but more like cynical you know like uh yeah and so you wouldn't think that you belong to that tribe as well yeah but I think my stand-up's quite positive yeah generally you're the musical theater stand-up I'm I'm I'm yeah like I don't could you do a musical theater comedy show I don't have any of the skills I can't write music okay I can sing and tap dance I don't know if anyone wants to write me a show I wanted to call one of my shows Susie with a Z because that's the name of the Liza Minnelli album. Liza with a Z. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think like, I don't know that the audience that would, I don't know that people would get it.

You'd get a lot of, yeah, older people. I don't, I already get old gay men. Yeah. They're already coming. I don't need to try and hook them in. So yes, that. Okay. Finally.

Finally. Finally. The island has been overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it, Susie? And again, I feel like I'm being really obvious. I thought like, oh, should I go for something like a bit different? Go from your gut. But then I had to go with my gut and so it is spiders. I'm really frightened of spiders.

I don't like i i i don't like them i don't like how they move the other day there was one in the house and alice and i are both really frightened and we genuinely considered waking our four-year-old to get it because in front of her we have to be brave because i know the reason that i'm frightened is because my mum was frightened and my dad is one of those hilarious practical jokers where he'd pretend to like chase me with a spider and things you know you know that you know that parenting yeah in the 90s yeah where they were like oh here's your fear let me laugh i could have cried and i did yeah yeah yeah yeah like my dad would chase me with like spot and i would really scream and I would find it really stressful.

And so it's not just a spider, it's my dad chasing me with one. Yes. But yeah, so like, I don't like how they move. They're always in a hurry. Where are they going? What are they doing? Yeah, why so many legs? Why so many legs?

And I tell you when, when they're big enough to have knees wow like there's a specific thing like like those little ones wow but you know when they're like hairy it's when they're hairy when they do that when they can like when they can give yeah like a like a yes like a bend when they can bend yeah in the knee bend and snap bend and snap I yeah I find that really you're making me feel quite stressed now do you not like them either I don't like them

I don't like their when you see their eyes like eyeballs their round eyes yeah well because they're like oh why why so many

yes yes but I also think they're like they're maybe aliens they're up to they're definitely up to something well I just feel like

why is there nothing else like them? Like, where have they come from? I think spiders are the most conclusive thing we have for, like, aliens. At me, please. Imagine if spiders were aliens. Imagine if aliens are spiders. I feel like they've come from somewhere else. Imagine if there's another world and it's run by spiders

and they're all terrified of tiny humans they're like oh i don't like how it runs and we make our little houses and they're like i hate their houses kick their houses down yeah oh look at their knees look at their horrible knees they're so smooth um yeah i i because i think i've got better with spiders as I've got older but I think it's just like a practicality thing of living on my own there is currently a spider living in my entrance and I don't like it

I'm not happy about it but we see each other we acknowledge each other and I hope he respects my wishes and he doesn't go upstairs does um how does he acknowledge you um duffer the cat the lady it's like it's more of a silent kind of understanding of like I'll see you later don't get up to anything when I'm out like it's that kind of it's like a little nod yeah lesbians do that to each other when they're out in the wild really in the wild

yeah I see you yeah this is how me and the spider communicate in their home habitat in the homo after yeah in the homo dad

homo dad yeah so I feel like I have to be I just have to put my big girl pants on yeah and just deal with it now yeah

you know there's no one coming to save you my dream man is somebody that um i've talked about this before but i'm manifesting it is somebody that can put a a spider in a glass with a piece of paper underneath and then take it kindly outside and release it to the wild yeah that's my dream man okay and but i don't have that right now so i have to be my own dream man but i cannot do that so i just have to give him respect. Sure. Yeah. Sure.

Well, I don't want that guy. You don't want that? I don't want any of the spiders on this island. I mean, they're coming because that's the whole point of this podcast. Yeah, they're coming. Also, like, the idea of, like, loads of them like, you know, like them, like running all over each other. This island, you've

really created a horrible mental image. Well, this is a job. This is what you told me to do this is the game I know but you've really I don't know why you've just made it feel very visceral yeah and you're going

what yeah I'm there but why am I there because you're doing the podcast you're on everyone's island oh fuck you should not know this you're new to the podcast aren't you

you're there I had to be there as well you're like you're on the check-in desk so you're like oh yeah Katie come in the, Katie, come in. The cabbie, yep, come in. Smoke salmon, yeah.

It's a salmon smoking. Susie, you've created a horrific mental image. Thank you so much for coming on. It's my pleasure. What are you up to at the moment? Where can people find you? People can find me on the the internet i don't know if you've heard about the internet yeah yeah but i'm on it um i'm on instagram i've also got a special

that's quite recently come out on 800 pound gorilla uh it's called snappy it's my last show um i'm really proud of it i don't know if that's cringe to say um i've got a book coming out next year people can pre-order that now it's all about anxiety and hope and then um and then i've got another tour that happens next year that's called the juggle that comes out um that that comes out it doesn't come out i'm out um thank you so much suzy um yeah i really recommend you've got to go see suzy on tour she's so funny and i'm very excited to read your book um thank you so much for coming on um goodbye goodbye