Desert Island Dicks - TANIA EDWARDS

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

My guest for this week's podcast is writer and comedian, Tania Edwards. Be sure to follow the podcast on Facebook and Twitter @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and writer tanya edwards hello how are you tanya i'm very well thank you great well thank you very much i'm a bit depressed i'm falling out of an airplane onto an island with people i don't like but otherwise i'm in excellent form i uh i will apologize for putting you in that scenario but i appreciate you coming to share who you might be stuck with on that island with me uh who who's going to be your first choice? Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls? Yeah, just because I know that he knows how to get off that island,

and that's the first thing he's going to do. So he's actually the person I don't hate, but he's immediately left me, and he's just swum off into the ocean ostensibly to find help, if he can be bothered, when he gets to a boutique hotel that he's relaxing in. So in this scenario, he's got there and he's like, I'm off, and he's just gone. He's like, don't worry, guys, I'll come back for you all. And he just literally dives into the sea and scoots off

and I just watch him bitterly depart. I know, because I used to watch Buggerall. I used to work at the Discovery Channel writing EPGs the bit that describes the show I used to try and see how many rude words I could get past Sky I used to watch a lot of Bear Grylls and I'm telling you he would not last on that island for 28 seconds

he would have already disappeared and he might have the kindness to make us a small I don't even think he'd make us a shelter he'd be that confident he'd be back in 20 minutes, which he wouldn't be because he'd invariably have an adventure that would turn into another television series. You don't think he would help you to get off there as well? I think that he would be leaving

to be on a mission to come back and rescue us. Ah, okay. I see. But he would leave me with two totally incompetent people that I loathe, who I'll get to shortly. Okay. And Becwell's is not my favourite person, but he is the person I would like to stay with me and he's already gone. It's a disaster.

So he's not even the worst possible person you could be stuck with. He is, because you don't actually want to be abandoned, do you, on an island? You want someone to help you. You don't want someone to rescue you tomorrow. Could you not convince Bear to, like, teach you some survival skills? Well, I'm trying to, but he's already in the ocean.

He's already off? Waving, waving from a distance. Slaughtering a seal out to... To live inside? Yeah. Did you ever see that? Yeah, he did. It climbed into one of those animals. I don't know what it was. I can't remember. Was it a seal? It's to stay warm, right? Yeah, so he's eating a nice hot meal of seal fat somewhere

and he's snuggling off on its skin and then he's... But he's going to come back and save you. Yeah, he's not though. He's not. I'll be dead by then. So his intentions, do you think in the back of his mind he knows that he's never going to get back to you? I think he's over the whole experience

of being on an island. And so he's just cracking on with himself and then he'll come back. But it will be too late by then. And everyone will be dead. But that will be another series in itself, looking for the body parts. Oh, I feel bitter. If you break it down into parts, it's a separate series.

It's a great series, actually. We should pitch this. This is quite good, yeah. It's a sort of Columbo forward slash survival. And you can recreate his amazing journey from the island and then his recovery of each bit of the body and him piecing together the stories of the final moments. He could get a proper three or four series out of it, actually. It's so hopeless, this story.

But not for Bear. For Bear, it's fine. Because he's going to pitch a series where he comes back to find the body to find the people so he's going to do everything right and also he probably will find one of us alive the most annoying one which won't be me because I'm in charge of

who's the most annoying and I've chosen the more annoying people I feel like this is going to build I'm very interested to hear how this is going to go okay bear grills who's going to be your second choice? Marco Pierre White's son. Marco Pierre White's son? Now, I know that he's got a couple,

but they're always described as his sons, and I don't know which one's which. It's like Ant and Dec, but it's the one with all the tattoos. And, by the way, I've realised, as I was thinking about this, I've realised that I don't actually find many people annoying because I don't have to listen to them. I don't have to watch television. I don't have to browse Twitter.

I don't have to do anything. But he's popped up. And he's popped up because after that Parsons Green attempt, he did the controversial tweet. No, no, I don't know anything about this. So please, yeah. So firstly, he's the son. He's a very good-looking boy,

but he's got all the tattoos all over his face. Okay. And I'm sure it's partially because everyone calls him marco pierre white son which must be irritating he wants his own thing he wants his own thing and it's not helping but he's he's working on it but after the parson's green attack i'm sure he's a very nice guy as well which would irritate me to find out but after the parson's green attack he said rich people just don't die you know it was like a quip about not having but after the Parsons Green attack, he said, rich people just don't die. You know, it was like a quip about not having to get the tube. Okay. And then he deleted it or something, and some kind of controversy that I was not engaged in.

But I just remembered it when I was trying to think of someone I wouldn't like to be on the island with, because I thought, when I am dying on this island, I bet he's going to go, it's really sad, man. It's like, rich people just don't die, and he's just going to be watching me foaming at the mouth. And Bear's already abandoned me, and he's going to be proven right in his entire philosophy of life and he's probably the one that's going to be saved by bear of all the injustices okay yeah and and i just know that he's and i also think he's probably going to have a story for each one of the tattoos and his entire body and i don't want to hear any of those stories. And I have a son. He's a baby. And the idea of him ruining his beautiful, pristine, perfect skin with his own idea of art is so distressing.

So I'm already becoming the kind of person that I hate. I can't stop thinking about the tattoos. I'm commenting them already. We've got other things to worry about. And all I want to know is why he's done this to himself. But I don't want to know any of the stories of the actual drawings. So unless I can control myself, I'm going to hear all the stories, and I won't be able to control myself.

So I'll both be the person that I hate, listening to the person I hate, and then he'll say, rich people just don't die, man, while I'm suffering. What a comment to make. It's so bizarre, isn't it? Where did that come from? He just meant that he didn't have to get the tube. By the way, I think people have said much worse things,

and I really don't care. I just don't want him to say it to me. I used to ride a bike through London, and I used to, twice, I got stopped at the same roundabout being heckled by an ambulance driver. Why is that? He'd heckle me out the window, like, if you don't wear a helmet, I'll be scraping you off the road soon.

And he heckled me the second time, and we realised it was me again and him again. It was a horrible moment. Did you have an exchange an exchange no but i started wearing a helmet after that because i thought what i don't want is to be dying on this road and him saying oh i told you so and and i have that feeling about my white son he's just going to be saying oh i told you man rich people don't die i love how you've thrown a man in there is there a man in his original i don't know i've never heard him speak i know that he had sex on some TV show. Oh, no.

Like Big Brother or something. I don't know. I googled him trying to find out his name, but I couldn't find it because everyone just calls him Marco Pia White's son. Because he has nothing going on. I know that he was on some kind of reality show and talked about having sex with lots of prostitutes

or something, whatever. Who cares? And also, the other thing is I really don't think you should be irritated by anyone. I've got nothing... I have no beef with this guy. I'm sure he's... I've never used that phrase before. It didn't seem to at all.

No, no, no. In fact, it's really. I feel out of character and I don't know you well at all. No, I know. I feel really uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about that. You see, I'm already out of my, I don't even know myself anymore just talking about him. I've judged you basically just on that.

And now I feel like I know you somewhat. Yeah. I've got, did I. Yeah. I've got... Did I actually just say I've got no beef? You did, yeah. That's quite extraordinary. No beef, no lamb, no chicken, nothing. Okay.

Yeah, so anyway, I don't want to be on the island with him. So Mark up here, what's up? Yes, he definitely wouldn't be able to do anything, because he doesn't do anything. Right. And I don't do anything either, by the way. I tell jokes. So between the two of us, absolutely useless. And without bear.

And without bear and without bear okay who's going to be a third choice for you on now i don't know the names of any of the specific people that do this but anyone that believes in a trigger warning okay so the trigger warnings are this is when you think a book of like a book of literature i was about to say you know a book and for those people out there that don't know what a book is it's a sort of literature thing um so it's for people that think you need to have don't know what a book is, it's a sort of literature thing. So it's for people that think you need to have a trigger warning with a book, which basically means you have to express to someone in advance of reading a novel

that it might be distressing to them or trigger some kind of unhappy memory in some fashion or other. And there are hugely long reasons for inserting basically your name into a great classic, which I think is an absolute cheek. And it's all part of this general emphasis on the opinion of the reader or the character of the writer instead of the actual content. And I think it's because it's a shortcut.

I think it's because it's easier to think about yourself and what's happened to you in the last week or to find out whether or not the person that wrote a book was nice to her husband than it is to actually read the book because books are long and for me it's a kind of really nasty evolution of original censorship but it's worse because it's righteous okay there's nothing i like less than a righteous censor and i know that i'm going to get really upset trying to argue my point with a trigger warnings person. And then Marco Pierre White's son is just going to be there.

Put some context, though. I feel like, how is this argument going to go with a trigger warnings person? So they're going to say... They're going to say... I don't know. I'm going to say something to Marco Pierre White, like... Son.

Son. Yeah yeah because Marco Pierre is not there which is such a shame because he's a wonderful cook isn't he is that what he does yeah he'd be able to make you

some nice food oh he'd be making lovely fish it's all gone wrong I've lost Bear I've lost the dad just with the the son who's got

nothing to say for himself the other person is going I'm going to have one book you didn't give me a book but I've got one and the trigger warnings person is going to explain why I can't read it

because they're going to have something triggered if I do. No, you're right. It doesn't make sense. Why are they there no-platforming me? I don't know. But they're the people that I don't like, the people that think that you shouldn't read stuff. Okay. There's loads of them. It's a huge thing at the moment.

Don't put people off reading. No, I think that, exactly. Okay. You don't need that. No. No, I think that, exactly. Okay. You don't need that. No. If anything, people need more encouragement. Yeah, and also you're supposed to learn, aren't you? And you're supposed to... And also, if you don't want to read, just don't read.

But don't think that a book is about you. A book is about someone else's labour. Yeah. And opinion, which might be crap, but you don't have to read it. But you certainly don't have to be prepared to read it. Either get prepared in your own life or don't have to read it but you certainly don't have to be prepared to read it. Either get prepared in your own life or don't read it.

But don't think that a course has to be changed so that you can read something in a safe space. It's like putting like... I don't believe in safe spaces. Well, which is handy as I'm on a desert island

waiting to die. Yeah, with the worst people that you can... Yeah, they're not going to help me. That's the point. The trigger warnings person is in deep trauma because they couldn't even read Robinson Crus're not going to help me, that's the point. The trigger warnings person is in deep trauma because they couldn't even read Robinson Crusoe

in case something bad happened when they read the book. They know nothing. Okay. That's how it comes up. I've just worked out a way round my bad choice. Okay. I just couldn't think of any dicks, to be honest. Okay.

But I've got one. And I've said, has anyone read a book about anything? It turns out Marco Pia White's son has never read a book and the trigger warnings person couldn't read any of the books about island living because they found them too traumatic. I said oh you haven't read a book that's quite good because you know something bad could happen

in a book. Yeah and now it is happening and I just never read those island based books because it's not my cup of tea because I don't want to be on an island and I don't want to imagine that I'm on an island so between the three of us we've got no information all for reasons that I find objectionable. Oh, right. I feel like we've cleared everything and nothing up in that part.

I'm here with two people I don't like. Mm, OK. Because Baird left you. One whose name I don't know and the other person who's... I don't even know what gender they are or what their job is or what they... I mean, how do you even define people i don't know what they look like at least i know what the sun looks like yes i can picture him by specific by his um by the tattoos i don't want my son to have yeah okay trigger warnings people that becomes

your third choice for your desert island dicks yes uh t, now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? It's a McDonald's burger and a point of cider. Okay, so if we pick the McDonald's burger first off, why the McDonald's burger? I just can't think of anything more repulsive.

Never eaten a McDonald's burger in my life. Okay. I have had a chicken burger in my life. Okay. I have had a chicken burger as a child. Okay. The smell. I can't even use the toilet in McDonald's because of the smell. Of McDonald's, okay. It's so obnoxious and poisonous, and there's everything that's repulsive, and none of it's real.

I mean, I'm sure it is real. I don't want you to get sued by McDonald's, but it doesn't look real, and it doesn't smell real, and it's in packaging. So we're on this pristine island. The only nice thing about it is that it's not been ruined, I'm assuming. It's a nice island. Well, it's a desert island. Now it's got McDonald's wrappers on it. Okay, yeah. Just

gross. Also, I might be hungry and it would make me upset if I ate a McDonald's burger. Okay. Does it repulse you, the idea of eating a McDonald's burger? I don't think I could do it. Just in that circumstance, you really need calories. But I've only just landed, and I think I'm going to find a fish.

I'm still deluded. Bear's still there. He hasn't swum off yet. Okay. But he has. And so the sun's gobbling up the burger because he's a rebel. He's all over it. He's always rebelling against his father's excellent cooking.

Okay. I mean, yeah, McDonald's burger. There is something about a McDonald's burger that just isn't right, you know. It's everything. And I know they say in the adverts now, they're like, oh, you know, it's 100% British beef. It may be, but is it a good bit of the beef? Which part? You should use all of it.

So thank God for McDonald's making use of the trotters. I don't think you call it trotters when it's a cow. What's it? Hoofs. Hoofs. Yeah, the hoofs. Bloody lovely hoof burger. That's why you have to put all those chemicals over the top to take away the smell of foot. Actually, that's made me much more positive about the burger

because I think that's a great use of the bits. Yeah. Great. Oh, wonderful. I feel more positive about you having a burger later. Okay, McDonald's burgers. We did have someone on this podcast recently that said at McDonald's,

they've got this rating system where they rate their own McDonald's, right? It goes from sort of poor to excellent but they always keep it average and when they rate their own mcdonald's and they go and assess everything it has to stay average because they don't want any mcdonald's to stand out from any other one well because it would interfere with the brand yeah well you're really selling mcdonald's to me you're doing quite a good job really you're suggesting that they've got quality control that they use all yeah they use all of the bits yeah shouldn't be used it is all quite

positive things you're not going to tell me that they recycle soon and that they plant rainforest for every cow that they kill i have no idea i imagine they're not doing that i don't know who knows okay mcdonald's burger goes there and the drink choice was a cider yes because a cider looks from a distance like a delicious pint of lager. There's nothing I like more than a pint of lager. I know that I would be on that. And then as I took it to my lips, I would smell the grim

scent of urine. Because that's what cider smells like to me. Piss. Right, okay. Oh no, it's a cider. And if I tasted it, it would taste even worse than the smell i don't know if anyone's tasted cider but it's really rank i have made the mistake of sipping a cider thinking it was my lager and i've got the drinks around the wrong way right and i think there's nothing more delicious than a lager just to see what i want so much but it's not what

i want at all right okay yeah i feel so sad just thinking about it. Have you never enjoyed a cider? No. Really? Never enjoyed a cup of tea either. Really? What do you drink? Coffee, water or lager.

I'm right, I never enjoyed a tea. What do you like, wine? Okay, right, okay, yeah. But I couldn't think of a drink that looked like wine that would be obnoxious to me. But arguably on the island, you know, maybe a sweet cider would be nice, no? No, absolutely not. What if it was cold?

Maybe a cider lolly. Even that would be vile because it would eventually melt and smell like cider. So it's specifically it sounds like cider sort of posing as lager. Delicious. False hope in a potential

lager. Yeahager. Delicious. False hope. Delicious lager. In a potential lager. Yeah, so tragic. I'm getting the idea that you, I'm getting a picture that you quite like a lager. I love a lager. Do you? Yeah, it's actually really making me thirsty. For a lager? Yeah.

Okay, all right, cider. So you've accidentally drank a cider. What does it taste like? Because I know that it doesn't taste like urine, so. It smells like piss, and you do taste the smell. So I feel like I've at least had a sort of approximate experience of tasting piss, which is something that is not on my wish list of things to do. But it's quite sweet.

It's very sweet, but it's also got a nasty tang. Okay. And I love an apple tizer and I love an apple. Ah. So I don't know how they've managed to take a beautiful fruit, make it look like a beautiful drink, and then it tastes like cider. I'm just getting it so wrong. It's like the juxtaposition of two fantastic

things. Okay. And it's vile. Okay. Cider. I'm probably getting too into this. No, it's good. I feel very upset about the cider. Right, because you're stuck with cider. And also it's just not even spilled. It's just there. Maybe we could cook something, but none of us know how to cook, do we. Right, because you're stuck with cider. And also, it's not even spilled. It's just there.

Maybe we could cook something in it, but none of us know how to cook, do we? Right, OK. Between you, you have no idea how to cook. No, one person's been too busy waving a placard outside every literature class on campus. One person's been too busy having fun on a yacht, and then I've... I just hate cooking.

OK. That's a good thing. I don't know how to make fire, and I wouldn't have to cook. What would you eat then? Raw fish, I guess. You'd have to catch the fish though, don't you? Coconuts potentially.

Coconuts? Oh, you're making me like this island. I love a coconut. Right, yeah. Oh, I can drink lovely coconut water. Can you ferment coconut water to make a lager? That's the next question. I have no idea.

How do you make your own Malibu? I don't think you can. I haven't had a Malibu for about... How old am I pretending to be? I haven't had a Malibu for years. How old am I pretending to be? Yeah. Okay.

For some years. For some years. I remember it being nice when I was a child. Okay, yeah. I wouldn't want a Malibu tonight. I still fancy a lager i've given myself a i've made myself a taste for a lager all right a cider is going to be your drink choice you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast

advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Tanya, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why are they so bad well now this is something i don't really watch much television okay and i i really do think films are amazing i just don't really watch them and i try and motivate myself to watch them but i can't really

like i walked past the poster the other day of jack gyllenhaal with one leg and i just thought oh look it's jack gyllenhaal pretending to have lost the leg and I just can't get into the idea of it Jake Gyllenhaal Jake is that have I got his name wrong Jake yeah that's the one the lovely looking one who pretended to be a rabbit yes well you know there was a rabbit and something uh Donny Darko I saw that but anyway now he's who he is very famous guy his name I got wrong and he's pretending to not have a leg or a bit of it's missing or something. The point is I can't suspend my disbelief. It's like having to watch Angelina and Jolie and Brad Pitt pretending to do something like that.

Which I'm not going to because you know who they are. Right, yeah. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is I couldn't think of a film I hate because I haven't bothered to watch any. But I really, really thought about this a lot. And I thought the film I'll have is Breaking the Waves. Yeah, okay. Now, this is an absolutely beautiful film.

Okay, explain for the listener. Explain for me. I haven't seen it. Well, I don't want to ruin it in case you want to go home and watch it which I don't think you should but who am I to give any kind of censor? But first, it stars Emily Watson and she's absolutely incredible in this film.

And, shall I tell the story? And then people can just pause this bit, if they don't want to hear what happens at the end. Okay, yeah. Is that okay? Yeah, please do. There might be film fans that are really excited about this. No, I'd love to hear it, so please do, yeah. Okay, so basically, Emily Watson is married to this beautiful guy who works on an oil rig. Okay. And he has some

kind of terrible accent, accident. I haven't known, he might have had a terrible accident too, I can't remember that bit, but I haven't watched this film since I was, for like 15 years. Whenever it came out, 20 years ago.

Right. 15 years ago. Whenever it came out, I watched it. Anyway, so this guy, this is, as I remember it, he has this accident on this oil rig and he's in hospital in a coma

and, or he's, he comes through the coma and he manages to chat to her. Right. Yeah, that's what happened. So she's in the hospital and she's madly in love with him. She's he comes through the coma and he manages to chat to her that's what happened so she's in the hospital and she's madly in love with him she's a bit simple this girl

she's very innocent she's simple in the purest word they live in a very small island in Scotland out in the middle of nowhere near the oil rigs that's why they're there

they haven't zipped up from London anyway it's not the point the point is that she goes in to see him in the hospital and he basically he thinks he's going to be paralyzed and he he doesn't want her to

sacrifice herself for him he so he suggests that she takes a lover but it's only because he's feeling inadequate and he wants her to and she misunderstands she thinks that if she takes a lover then it's going to restore him so she's like a. So she keeps having sex with all these different people. And he's not getting better. And people try to save her, but she's convinced that this is, her sacrifice of herself is going to save the man she loves.

And then eventually she's brutally assaulted by many, many people on some boat that's offshore. And she's in hospital too it's been really gross yeah it has yeah and she's been taken into intensive care and she sees her friend who's a mutual friend of her and her husband and she asks her friend oh and she asks her friend um if he's all right and it turns out he's not all right at all so she knows that it was all for

nothing and she says it's all for nothing and then she dies and then her husband's totally fine he just literally gets wakes up from his coma the next day he walks out the hospital he's okay and i've been thinking about this and i thought maybe it's because she had to make the total sacrifice even of her faith for him to be restored but she died thinking her suffering was utterly pointless and that he was gone and then she died after being gang-raped. I cried for about three days after I saw that film. Then I was depressed about it for about five years. And I'm really...

I can tell you're quite upset talking about it now. And it's a long time ago. It was a very well-acted film. But I would hate to... I don't ever want to see that film again. You'd have to... But it was very good. I feel like quite... that's quite a horrific story

imagine having to well don't you don't have to if you don't want to feel quite bad but if you had to watch that every day or all the time and that's your only thing well i can see thinking about it which i haven't been able to do for so long i think maybe it's supposed to be some kind of religious sacrifice and the religious sacrifice has to be the total sacrifice, but I don't think it's supposed to be a sacrifice of faith as well. It was so effing sad. Wow, okay.

I've probably forgotten some key details here, but I'm afraid I'm not going to go back and watch it to check my facts. But that's the gist of it. That's the gist. And it's by the same guy that did The Dancer in the Dark thing with Bjork, but I didn't think that was any good, that film.

That was too... This was the greatest but most terrific film. There's other really sad films like Carlito's Way, but this was a different level of sad because it took away faith and purpose. What a joyless pig. It's so dark. It's really dark. Because she would have happily died if she'd known that he was okay.

Yeah. She just died miserable. Seems known that he was okay. Yeah. She just died miserable. Seems a bit much, really. Okay. Wow. So would you recommend or not recommend that people watch this film? Would you say they should? Not now, because I've totally ruined it for you by telling you what happens,

which means it's not actually going to have the same impact on you, which would make it probably a less unpleasant watch, but also pointless. pointless okay so i'm afraid that if you listen to my description you should now not bother watching it but if you were smart enough to have paused you've skipped forward to this bit then by all means go ahead watch it and um good luck with that breaking the waves wow i mean i'm intrigued but i don't know if I want that amount of sadness to enter my life at this moment in time well it has now

and just in a really rubbish version it's like listening to someone tell you a joke that they sort of remember they never remember all the details do they and it's an unfunny joke

and they're still laughing at it hilariously because they can remember how it was supposed to be they just can't repeat it so I've kind of ruined the film I've ruined it now

I'm glad you told me about it, but I'm also really glad it's over. Yes. Until I edit this, and then I have to relive it. Fine. Okay, all right. Breaking the Waves is going to be your film choice,

and what's going to be your song choice? Well, this I struggled with, actually. I think any kind of Irish organ music. My wonderful... Right. My stepfather, wonderful man, he absolutely loves that, he loves Irish music and he loves the really bizarre,

he's never happier than sitting at home with a cider, actually, in a jazz encyclopedia. Sorry, he's been binned twice on this show. But he likes the really smart music that's just almost like music, but it's kind of weird. Irish organ music? Yeah, it's kind of weird. Irish organ music. Yeah, it's this sort of reedy organ sound. So it's like a lovely music,

but it's got that horrible organ noise. Right, yeah. Or, and then I thought, well, I could probably learn to understand what that music is, because I'm obviously just not intellectually at a level of musical understanding where I get it.

But I imagine if I was on a desert island, I could really get into it. Yeah, you'd have a lot of time understanding where I'd get it. But I imagine if I was on a desert island, I could really get into it. Yeah, you'd have a lot of time on your hands. Yeah, and it's kind of... It'd be better than watching that film. So maybe I'd understand that. So I think I'd suffer more if it was that Josh Winks track. Josh Winks track? Yeah, it was the track that everyone

used to listen to when you were raving. What's it called? I can't remember. Josh Winks. There's only like one famous Josh Winks track. Right, okay. And I think that that would probably be more irritating to me because even if you had to listen to a terrible piece of music on a desert island, if you didn't know it, it would just be nice to hear a piece of music. It would take you a long time to realise how awful it was.

But I know that this isn't a great tune and I know that I've already been through the thing of thinking it was an okay tune. Right. And then realising it's just a really irritating tune. So now I'm remembering how irritating it is and i'm telling you guaranteeing that trigger warning person and marco pierre white sun are really dancing out to this and having a great time so i'm really now the person that i hate i'm trying to argue about something that no one else is arguing about because we're not on campus and i'm trying to tell someone that they shouldn't have fun or their own

tattoos which is completely preposterous while they're having a party and trying to tell someone that they shouldn't have fun or their own tattoos which is completely preposterous while they're having a party and trying to make the best of things so now I'm the lone loathsome creature in the corner just angry and watching breaking the waves and weeping I'm I'm the I'm the dick now that's what's happened well I was gonna say you have made yourself this person this was all you're doing. Well you told me I had to invite people I didn't like. It could have been a really wonderful positive experience. I could have gone there with my son and my husband

and started a brave new world. Yeah but you could have picked people that spit in the street. You could have picked. It's up to you. You can't be irritated by someone who spits in the street on a desert island because there's no street to spit on. That's very true actually. I mean who's going to crawl through the sand looking for some non-yet-dried... Spittle.

Spittle. That'd be a bit... Oh, you've cheered me up, actually. I haven't sunk to the total bottom yet. I'm only halfway down. Let me... Do you mind if I just check this song? Just have a quick listen.

Let's see if it's the right one. Is it called Higher State of Consciousness, potentially? Possibly, yeah. Okay, all right, let's see. Let's see what comes out. And just to check that this is the right song because I'm going to put a little bit of it into this. Okay.

Is this it? Yes. Is this it? Okay. This is the build-up where everyone's marching on the spot, making a box, tearing it up. Yeah, tearing it up. Trying to make sure that they don't get any beef with each other.

Yeah, the other two are really going for it right now. They know that Bear's on his way back. They're confident they're going to live. They're not watching that film because they've decided it's too distressing for them and it's just me weeping and feeling bleak in the corner. What's your first memory of that song?

I don't really remember, but I know it was from long nights spent in dark warehouses. Did you spend a lot of long nights in dark warehouses? I had a misspent youth, yes. Did you? We all did, because it was the start of everything. I really pitched it well to my parents. Did you? Oh, we all did, because it was the start of everything. And I really pitched it well to my parents as well. Did you? Yeah, I'm just going off to a warehouse party,

and it doesn't shut till eight in the morning, which is much better, because it means I can get the first train home, and I don't need to wander around the streets aimlessly. And they thought that seemed like a good idea. Were you completely open with them about what you were... Well, no, because I was a very good student. Right, OK.

And I still believe still believe, in different strokes for different folks. Okay. And I was exceptionally polite. And I had a separate social life. But then you were telling them that you were going to a warehouse all night. Yeah, but they thought that I was going to a nice disco. Which I guess I kind of was.

But they weren't curious to what went on at this disco. They didn't ask you or...? No, they were... I'm only making myself laugh by calling a rave a disco, but rave seems such a ridiculous word now as well. Do you know what? I think that they just didn't want to know. OK, they weren't bothered about...

No, they were extremely bothered, but they were also pragmatic people. Mm. And they trusted me. OK. You know, they trusted me and they were also pragmatic people and they trusted me you know they trusted me and they were right to do so because I always came home promptly and punctually and politely. Well they're not interested in why maybe when you got home the next day you slept for

24 hours or? Yeah because I'd done all that exercise you know all that dancing Okay yeah, alright great, okay cool so that song specifically for all of us

that's one that I remember as being irritating it was oh that was that's indicative of not such a good party but when you were when it was all starting

that was quite a big that was a big song that was a big song yeah okay right I've got other annoying ones like Firestarter but that's

that's more that's just gonna just be so relentless money Firestarter would be pretty damn relentless too. Yeah, it would be, yeah. And also such beautiful music in the world and being stuck with that record. So, Kate, you're straddling somewhere between Irish organ music and that Josh Winks track.

I think I would love, I would prefer the Irish organ music, so give me the Josh Winks. Josh Winks, okay, that Josh Winks. Higher state of consciousness as we've discovered. Okay. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I really struggled with this one too. This has been a big struggle. Almost as hard as trying to get off an island.

It has been difficult for you, hasn't it? Why? Because I would really hate to go away. I don't really like leaving london to be totally honest i don't know i'm not sure if i'm allowed to say that when i gig outside london all the time but i just love being in town okay i do like beaches but you know ones that i can easily get back to london from okay margate this is no hot one oh i think it's just as quick to get to Alicante's Margate these days. You're right, yeah. So, yes, so

a horrible animal, well, obviously it'd be something like an alligator or a snake, but I think I'm going to go for that eyelash viper. Eyelash viper, okay. And this is a really pretty snake and it comes in different colours. And it's not totally going to kill you, definitely. Right.

So you can just lose a leg, which would just be such a bitter experience. And I'm overusing the word bitter, but I can just see that I'm watching Breaking the Waves. The others are having a disco, listening to Josh Wink's Highest Age of Consciousness. They've gone completely nuts off the pint, decided I refused to drink,

and now I'm really regretting that. And despite the misery of this film, it's over and through my tear-stained eyes I can just see the flash of something really beautiful and I think, oh that's pretty and then it bites me and it's the eyelash viper and it doesn't hurt me

enough to kill me instantaneously. First I lose a leg and listen to Margapea White Sun telling me that rich people just don't die man, so he doesn't have to worry about this snake. And I'm thinking, oh, bloody marvellous. And then I don't die until I've lost all faith that there was ever any point to having been there, just like Emily Watson.

OK, right, yeah. And then just as I die, Bear Grylls turns up and the other puns get to go home. Yeah. Oh, God, so finally my life does play out like a film. Oh, yeah. The wrong one. When I could have just gone with my

family and watched Three Men and a Baby on repeat for a month and had got a great tan. I'm so sad. It would have been a lie, though. Yeah, because I wouldn't have had the snake. I could have had something nice and edible. The eyelash viper. Is it a famous...

It is. I just was trying to find out the name of the pretty yellow snake. That's what it's called. The eyelash viper. Yeah. And it lures you in, but... It's not actually aggressive. It normally just eats mice and stuff.

So I've obviously really annoyed it by stomping around, trying to get away from the Josh Winks or something. And I've hurt the Viper. It's not even the Viper's fault. The eyelash bit plays it down, but then it is followed by Viper, which makes... It's one of the world's most venomous snakes. Right, OK, fine.

It just looks good. Like many things that look good. It's quite cool, isn't it? It's so dangerous, but it looks really good as well. It's really cute. Yeah. Oh, look at that. So pretty.

Like one of those at home. It's like that bloke that got eaten by his own python. Right, okay. You ever hear about that? Yeah. He was showing off to a date. And he tipped too far into his own tank, and his python ate him.

I mean, what a date. That's great. It's one hell of an anecdote. Oh, poor man. It's actually very sad that it happened to a real person. Yeah. I'm using the word sad almost as much as Trump. Sad.

Sad, yeah. The eyelash viper. Wow, imagine that. That would be so unfortunate, wouldn't it, to land on an island covered by the most venomous snake. Especially knowing that I put it there on your silly radio show. That would really annoy me. Oh, damn, this is all of my own making.

I could have just lied a little and actually worked out that we had a really nice time on this island. I don't think I took it too literally. No. Have I taken it too literally? Are your other guests more upbeat? It's really up to you, and it varies wildly. So, yeah, it's your island.

I figure that there are other things already on the island, like mosquitoes. It's an annoying noise, isn't it? Tanya, all I did... And it's the fade in and the fade out that's so distressing about a mosquito, but I reckon they're already there, getting me relentlessly.

It's a bit like the Josh Winks song. In the distance. Yeah, I'm just tripping out at this point for lack of food because I refuse to eat the burger either and I think it's mosquitoes coming at me but it's just Josh Winks on repeat. In the background.

Wow, wow. We could totally make an album. Is that what you call a record? No, we could totally spin a tune here. We're mixing it up. I'm not sounding as hip as I am. Tanya, all I did was feed you a very thinly put together conceit and you've created everything else. I've created a massive catastrophe.

Tanya, thank you so much for coming in Thank you so much for having me It's going to be so pleasant going home knowing that none of this is going to happen I know yeah Tanya if people want to hear more from you Where can they see you and where can they hear you It's just at Tanya Edwards is my Twitter handle At Tanya Edwards is that the best way to find out about your shows Yeah or my website

But I like the idea of having some Twitter followers without actually having to tweet very much. So why don't you find me there? Yeah. And then you can come see my show, which is called Not My Dog. Okay. And it's going to be,

I'm going to be working on it until Edinburgh. And so you're going to do a run at Edinburgh? I am, yes. So if you're going to Edinburgh this summer, then keep an eye out. Then definitely come out and see it. But if you're staying in London, come and see it while I'm making it good. Yeah yeah and it might even be better because tanya hates leaving

london so i'm in a really good mood and you won't be in scotland yeah thank you so much for coming in thank you for having me thank you is this thing on so for the very first time we've been sent an addendum to this week's podcast by tanya edwards and she emailed me and the title of the email says afterthought it's all clear now so the body of the email says afterthought obviously the trigger warnings person is a woman they both cry whenever i say anything reasonable the rest of the time they party and draw on each other they fall madly in love and then my dead corpse sustains them while they wait for Bear, which is why he never finds my body. Of course, they ground up the bones, a la Ronald McDonald, and left no evidence.

Watching Breaking the Waves makes them thoughtful, wise and grateful. By the time Bear rescues them, they're expecting their first child. They all live happily ever after. What a lovely afterthought.