Desert Island Dicks - TATTY MACLEOD

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

'That French TikTok Lady', Tatty Macleod joins our Daniel to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. And on today's episode, we've got Tati McLeod. She's a comedian, actor and writer. She's bilingual in French and English and lots of her comedy focuses on the difference between how people from each of these nations would treat a similar subject. I haven't done that justice but her videos are really funny so I urge you to look her up on Instagram or TikTok or YouTube because I think you'll really enjoy them.

She's also got an Edinburgh show this year. So if you're heading up there, then do go and check her out as well. She also didn't hold back at all on this podcast. So I think that will make a lot of you very happy because I know some people are like, oh, you didn't name the person or give names. But she really did. And I think you'll like that. But we really had a laugh and I reckon you will too. Two small points of admin before I start though. Tati's audio had a lot of background hiss for some reason and I debated whether to remove it with processing or not because sometimes that

trickery can result in a slightly different sounding voice than normal and get a little bit robotic. I'll try not to use it if I don't have to but otherwise I think there was a lot of hiss so I thought it was better to give it some processing and I think it sounds better now. But just to let you know in case you go oh that sounds a bit muffled. Also I went and got the categories confused so we went from people into the film and song section rather into the food and drink section but we did do those as well you know it was just in a different order so uh i did think about editing it but you know i couldn't be bothered i've had my kids have been ill as usual and you know just general stuff so i left it in the order we did it in apologies if you're an obsessive person or these things bother you and

you want them right but um you know that's just not this kind of podcast so anyway what i'm saying is ignore all the last bits the first bit i said stands which is tatty is a really funny person i think this is a funny podcast and i hope you'll enjoy it so um i'm still talking i seem to be at least so i'm going to stop now and instead here's Tati McLeod on Desert Island Dicks. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian, actor and writer Tati McLeod. How are you doing? I'm good, thanks for having me. Thank you for joining us, thank you for joining us. How do we find you today? What sort of mood

are you in? I'm actually in quite a bad mood this is perfect i'm in exactly the right mood to talk about people i hate this is great well i mean i'm hoping that this acts as a sort of a little safety valve so you feel better afterwards rather than like increasing the anger and making you even more angry afterwards i'm gonna treat this like therapy is that okay free free therapy oh we are here for you great thank you very much super this is a safe space and you can say whatever you want without judgment this is a safe private space no one is going to listen to where i can air all of my grievances thank you thank you daniel i'm looking forward to it i would say that the desert island dicks community despite baying for blood, is generally fairly kind.

So I wouldn't worry. It is a safe, albeit not private, space. I was going to say, though, because obviously you're bilingual and loads of your stuff kind of involves, you know, the differences between, say, like how the English people would deal with their situation and how French people would. And, you know, I've seen some of your videos where you might have an English person sort of very patiently listening to their colleague bang on about their weekend or whatever when they're

not interested whereas the French person would just cut through it just go I'm not interested shut the fuck up leave me alone do you find that uh I mean if we were doing this podcast in your sort of French persona you could be even more ranty. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to be who I am. So that, you know, whether I speak English, but I've got a French attitude towards it. It's hard to tell because when you're a mix of two things, you're sort of like, which bit of me has been French? Which bit of me is English?

But I definitely think in general, I'm not afraid to say when I have an issue with something or someone, get into arguments with people and I definitely do get into arguments with people work colleagues other comedians so I don't shy away from confrontation if I was being the French version of myself I don't think I'd be any different I think I'm going to be very honest on this podcast today and tell you exactly who I hate and why I hate them. This is perfect.

Music to my ears. In whatever language it's in. But I mean, if it is English, that's better because I haven't spoken French for a very long time. And I let it all slide like an idiot. So I'm much better in English these days. It's hard work, even if a language. It's an active thing you have to do.

It's like going to the gym. You want to watch stuff. You've got to listen to stuff. You got to read books so don't feel too bad on yourself it's quite normal maybe i need to find a french-speaking gym and kill two birds with one stone but um let's get on with it then because i feel like you're raring to go and i'm raring to hear uh the people and things you've chosen for the island so who's going to be the first person joining you on the island? It was hard to pick from.

There were so many options. You know, I really had to not delve very deep into who I hate. And I know that I'm going to immediately regret my choices. There's going to be a point in the week where I'm going to think, oh, this is the person I hate the most. I wish I could go back in time and get them banished. But the person who came to mind for me first was a man called Ant Middleton yes so he's been on that SAS program yeah yeah SAS who dares wins what he used to be I think he's been cut off it now I don't know but SAS who dares wins lead exercise coach man

thing I mean can you just imagine can you just imagine and be stuck on a line with him he'd be a fucking nightmare it would just be awful i think it's like multiple things about it be awful it'd be awful because i i think he's very annoying right because fundamentally he's incredibly bossy he's used to being in charge. He's extremely domineering. But he's also, I'm sorry to say, but really quite thick. So you'd have a combination of someone who's telling you what to do, but also isn't bright. And he would not listen to you. He would immediately take it upon himself to be in charge.

And I quite like being in charge. I wouldn't immediately be like, you're in charge just because, I don't know you've been in the army and he'd bark at you so not only would he take charge but then also he'd bark at you and he'd shout orders at you everything he'd be like do this do that but it would be a no from me i'm afraid yeah no i get that i think i find even just watching the programs that he's on a bit annoying and sort of stressful and just that kind of macho i mean obviously you need to be a strong macho guy if you're going to be in the sas or the equivalent you know i can see why in your own arena you need to be like that and that's an effective way to be but in the real world i just think it's unbearable and like you know when people sort of deliberately tap into that sort of thing like people go oh i've been going to this

exercise class barry's boot camp or whatever and like you know they really shout at you and you're like you volunteered for that on your own time like yeah that's the what that's what you want i don't want to pay someone to shout at me and i feel like this would very much be an extreme version of that on the island yeah and i also think i'll probably come to a place of just i was raised only with women there were no men in my household growing up i grew up with my mom and my three sisters and i just don't like aggy men i just really hate it i don't like men who are in any way whatsoever aggressive i don't like male dominated environments where there's a bit of agginess going on um like it really makes me uncomfortable it feels very unfamiliar so when i watch men like

that and especially i don't think it gets the best results out of people you know this idea that in order the way you'll be a foot away from someone i'll just bark at their face and i say well you could just ask them to do that and you could achieve it this idea that in order to get things done you have to be aggressive about it so no you could you could do that gently and it would still be achieved we don't need to be aggressive in trying to get this sorted um i feel it's like really outdated and when i've watched that program before he always loses his voice like one day in and i'm and i just watch him and i think yeah that's because you've not done a vocal warm up. You know, it's like, it's all well and good, you're shouting.

But if it's not coming from a true place, which it isn't because you're unnecessarily shouting at people, you're going to lose your voice. And I think there's a great metaphor in that, isn't it? It's like his own body is, you know, making himself defunct like he can't even achieve his purpose of being this shouty man because he he actually hasn't got the physical ability to be able to sustain it beyond like 24 hours um he'd be a nightmare he'd be an absolute nightmare definitely i love the idea of him doing a vocal warm-up though beforehand we're okay la la la la la right now get over that fucking wall move move move. The light and shade of it is beautiful.

That's what I, if I always thought, if I did up on that SS, who dares wins, that would be my energy with him. I'd be like, if you lost your voice, if you lost your voice, Ant, have you thought about doing a bit of bubbling? Thought about doing a vocal warmup? Yeah, get yourself a hot tea drink.

He'd hate it. He'd absolutely hate it yeah i can imagine that you know under pressure having gone through all the tests and like initiations that he must have had to go through in the army or that was it navy i think navy anyway i'm sure that you know he can probably take a lot of pressure in those environments but i reckon that you needling away at him like that would really break him quicker than any kind of torture scenario in afghanistan or something you know a hundred percent and i think actually he'd be the kind of person where it's like uh my problem is that i also have quite a bit of a temper and when

confronted with a situation where someone else has a temper or is shouting at me i would shout back and we would escalate into this big shouty argument and then we wouldn't talk to each other and i just hope the island would be big enough that i could go to one side and he'd go to the other and eventually we'd both just die that would be like the best case scenario but if i really wanted to needle him i'd have to completely change my personality and i'd have to turn into someone who was quite patronizing and maybe even gaslight him you know just maybe like move his stuff and then he'd be like he moved my things and you say no one aunt

aunt what is wrong with you what what's happening are you okay aunt you know that would be the way to win around him you'd have to go all you'd have to go psycho on him yeah and maybe it's just because i'm just so not cut out for that world that i just don't like anything to do with it it just feels just it's it's too masculine and scary and physical and it's just not for me but i think even being around that sort of person would just be too much you know after a while awful but he is the worst of it he is the worst of them you know there's other ones who are in that group um i mean you know and some of them are quite attractive there are other ones that have a

sort of more gentle intelligence to them but and in particular there's something about him that really gets off on being this short aggy um hyper alpha outdated version of masculinity which i just i know that i would just clutch with and absolutely hate well i think it's a good addition to the island for your first choice because i just think it's already making the island quite toxic and just just too much and you know he would be quite useful in terms of survival you know uh well in terms of survival and just like building shelters and stuff like that but yeah woody though woody though but i mean i i yes i agree that he probably has got you know some survival skills if we were confronted with a bear i'll give him the benefit the doubt there but i think that he also is used to being part of like a big and i suppose he was

he's got big team building exercises but i don't know i think he's part he's also used to be part of like an institution and you know the army and i don't know how he would fare so well if it was suddenly taken away from him and there was no end in sight i think you've got to be quite channel the island yeah yeah you know i also think that he's the sort of person that could show you how to hunt and fish and build a shelter but he'd kind of you know when you want your parent when you're young and you want your parents to do your homework for you and they say no no i'm not going to do it for you i'm going to show you how to we'll do it together so you learn how to do it and you're like just tell me the answers so i can watch telly it'd be a bit like that just build the fucking shelter catch the

fish make the fire no i don't need to learn because you're here aren't you so like i'll just do the general just vibes and you do the useful shit you know yeah yeah let me get a tan yeah like let me just do my vibes i'm just here writing okay i need to journal this whole experience you just go in put whatever you want to do and go and put your camouflage on and go and you know get the get the fish for dinner yes he would be patronizing it would be unbearable yeah i agree okay a good solid entry to the island and uh who's going to join him who's your second choice i don't know if i should say this one because this is a real person. People sometimes say real people.

Yeah, you can have living, dead, made up, fictitious, your family, whoever you want. Well, I'm going to say this person. I hope he doesn't listen to this podcast if it's that I don't really care. This person is neither really famous nor not famous enough to not be famous. And I'm putting him on this because i've met him twice and i just thought he was an absolute dick okay who's it gonna be are we naming or yeah i don't care i mean okay fuck it his name is will g Gompertz. Okay. He used to be the Radio 4 Arts Editor. Oh, yes, I know the name.

And now he's the Artistic Director of the Barbican. Yeah, total twat. Absolutely unbearable. I met him twice. Once, I used to work at the Bill Moat, which is a comedy club in Angel. Really lovely place. But before I became a comedian,

in 2018, I was an actor and I was thinking about trying to sort of do a bit of comedy and I got this job at the Bill Murray and he came and did a show there not as a comedian but I think sort of related to a podcast he was doing or something and he was absolutely appalled and really irritated that I didn't know who he was. When he arrived, I said, oh, are you here for the show? And there was this moment, him and his partner have been like, we are the show. We are the show. How do you not know who we are?

So already then got my backup. And then we were in the same venue venue in edinburgh and he was doing the show about the arts and i remember saying to him what's your show about because he was on just i think after us and he said oh it's um it's a show about arts or something he said you should come get yourself an education oh wow and it was funny as well because one of his staff was like this old woman and like i see her sort of panicking of damage control damage control and i said well i've got an education thank you very much she was like yes yes of course but i really really um for me he's the epitome of privilege and arrogance combined i'm afraid um i hope a sort of dying breed of people who work in

broadcasting but i i'm really not i'm really not a fan of his and i think that in a very different way to ann middleton ants middleton he would be someone else who you'd be on an island with him and he would permit himself just to tell you how to do things how to run stuff he would be patronizing and he would be really difficult to work with he'd be a nightmare he seems like the sort of person that um if he was angry with you he wouldn't necessarily say it to your face he'd just sort of mutter a famous quote to himself like sorry what was that will oh nothing nothing that's so yeah i can imagine this is exactly the sort of thing that what would happen yeah yeah and if ever you're going to an argument it would always i think eventually

come down to the idea that maybe you weren't intelligent enough to understand what you were saying yeah even if it was about you know the heat of the baked beans it would end up being something that you would get into an argument about i mean i did say to you i was going to be honest i've gone serious no i i love it it's great i like this i mean i'm airing my grievances i have i've been holding this in my back pocket since like 2019 and i've thought i bloody hated that man i hated him no this is great because i mean i would say i said earlier how listeners are kind but they they they really don't like it when people flinch from describing the actual person they go oh why won't you tell us who it was

damn it so so this will be right up their street you know um yep i mean they're very polite in their interactions with us but i mean they are baying for blood to an extent so yeah i mean i think you're right that you are between sort of two weird pillars of masculinity like they're both quite mansplaining in their own ways but i mean you trying to get a good conversation out of either of them it's like one's going to be like to the point let's get this done you know we need to build morale so we're going to have a sing song now but i'm going to tell you what song it is we're not going to enjoy it that much and you know the other one will is just going to be like rolling his eyes and sort of everything you know totally i think the only

thing that could be quite fun is putting the two together and seeing them argue with each other that would be quite that would be quite interesting yeah um but i guess you know they're they're versions of other people in the sense of like i feel like i could have done quite a lot of different people that could have been the same person you know it could have been at middleton it could also be jeremy clarkson it could be philip green it could be boris johnson instead of um will gonpertz like they're all i feel like for me what i dislike about them all is a similar thing yeah if that makes sense no definitely yeah i just think that energy on the island from each of them is going to be horrific so uh horrific it's like

you'll have enough of one of them you think i'll go and talk to this one and then they're gonna know you're just gonna be bouncing between the two of them just very angry so yeah yeah and the other thing that reminds me about at medicine because i was going to put someone in that was going to be like um like a kind of exercise clean eating guru but i feel like at middle school would probably cover that as well people who are going to have um things to say or or go at you about what you're eating yeah do you know when people they start saying things like oh you know you should eat fruit it's actually got more sugar in it than chocolate you people like that you just think oh bugger oh fuck off yeah fuck off or like oh you should eat more than

x amount of x a day or you should measure out your this or you can't have more than one glass of wine it's like fuck off i mean that would really drive me i hate i hate that yeah yeah the other thing that gets me is when people go look you know like early man wasn't eating all this sort of stuff and you're like yeah but we're not early man and you also don't know that much about early man because you don't you know you're not an expert in it and like of course they ate differently they had an appendix that did something like we we don't need that like we're different shut up about early man honestly selective historical elements i find that really fun they'll be like you know when people think back on periods and they'll say well back then we didn't do this and you think yeah but we also did that you know we may not be doing that but we were definitely doing this you know torture or you know racism or no rights for women so let's just be

careful what was electively bringing from the past yeah i agree i agree okay well we've got one more space for a deck on the island so who's the final person joining you well i was feeling a bit bad well feeling bad i thought i can't i can't go for another man i mean i probably could and that would probably be my choice but i thought let's mix it up a bit and i've decided to go for someone who is going to be representative again of the sort of group of people and i've i've gone for kylie jenner now i feel a bit i'm actually quite conflicted about this choice because in general, when it comes to the Jenners, uh, or the Kardashians, I should say, I have got,

I've got some respect for them, you know, as a woman, uh, as a feminist, I think, well, you know, they've definitely built themselves a huge business, a huge brand. They're very successful in that, but there's another part of me that absolutely cannot fucking stand them. And I think for me,ylie jenner is probably the worst of the bunch in terms of the aspects i dislike and and representative of that kind of hollywood nepotism which which which i also hate okay now i and not to unpick there no no i was gonna say because i obviously i know about the kardashians but i don't i've never really followed this i don't really know who's who you know i i know

there's kim yeah and then there's some others yeah what kylie what does she do what's her thing because one's a model isn't and one does like beauty products that's the one so she's actually i think she's a billionaire from her from her kylie lip brand that's right yeah my beef with kylie first of all i mean let's just be honest she'd be a nightmare because she is big main character energy i mean they have been at the heart of their own television program since they were children to be fair to them not their fault but so imagine being online with someone who has been used to just the greatest privilege their entire life but not only that being at the center of all of the attention i mean she's been the subject of a tv show since she was a child you get her on an island the fact that

there's not a camera on her that she's been ignored that she's not any more important than you she hasn't got an entourage i mean i just think in terms of the practicalities it'd be really hard work yeah you know that would be very very difficult to to sort of manage and i think that uh what i find frustrating about kylie jenner is um she's had so much work done and i don't care how much work anyone gets done but I think if you're going to have work done then you owe it to the women who follow you that you're honest about what work you've got done don't build an entire makeup empire on the idea that you've got this incredible lip product that's going to make people's look lips look amazing when actually what's making your lips look the way that they look

is because you're paying lots of money to get products pumped into them by a surgeon. I find that really dishonest and it pisses me off. Yeah, no, definitely. And I think it's just, it's one of those things. On the one hand, so much of the sort of output of all the Kardashian-Jenners feels so sort of pointless and stupid, but also quite damaging and harming to so many people it's a i'm really torn by it honestly i think it's one of those

real quandaries as a feminist where you go well i'm so glad that these women have oh something on the one hand you say you know i'm so glad that these women have sort of appropriated the patriarchy in a way that they've gone, right, do you know what? I'm not going to let you make money out of my body about, you know, out of me being attractive, out of my sexual appeal. I'm going to make money out of being attractive, out of my own sexual appeal. I think that's really cool the way they've taken ownership over it i suppose what i have a problem with is i think you're still telling women that the best way to succeed is by looking really fit instead of telling women that the best way to succeed is by having uh being intelligent and being really business orientated or by being very hard work like i just think that they're providing the idea that success looks like

beauty fitness a big pair of tips that that's what i get from them and and i find that very frustrating yeah no totally i i think as well maybe it was kim who did the thing about saying oh you know we've all got the same 24 hours and all that sort of thing and she said what i have to say to women out there in business who want to succeed get up your asses and work get off your asses and work that's what she said that's a famous word and it's and i know that's that's you know that's a different member of the group but it's that sort of attitude of like well it's not that hard i did it and yeah it's hard work in a way but you know like just fucking do it, it's not that hard. I did it. And yeah, it is hard work in a way, but, you know, like just fucking do it. And it's it just doesn't take into account so many things of real life or the fact that they were already, you know, they were born very rich and all of these things.

Totally. And I don't deny that they don't work. Do you know what I mean? I don't deny that they don't work but i think that everyone's working hard to some extent you know whether you've just got um you know whether you're just a a parent who's trying to like manage having a job and having a child that's just that's just really hard work so and i think work is different when you've got the structure around it having a pa and like multiple staff and they're kind of like helping you manage your diary and

opportunities are coming and also when you've got money to show for it it's like so many people especially in like the uk and london i feel like you you could be working all hours of the day and then you're still just like oh can't quite afford to get out of my my flat share um i think so it's not always a solution to things yeah i've been very serious in my choices but i can't help it i do find yeah yeah i don't mind how well you're doing but i just need you to be up front with with your lifestyle and and uh what is real and what's not real don't just everything's a product everything's a product they sell everything and it drives me up everything's for sale with the kardashians everything private life for sale themselves

for sale everything they use is like branding selling selling selling not a fan of it yeah i saw a thing about uh oh god i'm so basic i have to apologize because i'm a 40 year old father of two and i have no sense of who anyone is anymore in the world so i can't remember people's names and stuff but i said travis barker from that band the drummer from that band he goes up 182 you must say i do know i just couldn't remember yeah but i always think he's from um one of the other bands anyway this is charlotte limp biscuit you know yeah just in my head it's just like this stuff it's uh terrible I'm getting worse and worse with it and especially awkward

when I'm doing this podcast but so he goes out with one of them right yes he goes out with Courtney okay I saw an interview with him recently and he was talking about you know being in all this the reality series and stuff and he said yeah you know when i proposed to her you know it was filmed but i had to say to them you know no cameras on the beach so it's got to feel like we're alone you know and they were just doing it from a distance i was like that i mean that's fucking mental that you're sort of going well okay you can you can film me proposing to my girlfriend but like just do it from a distance and then at least i'll know and i imagine she was probably thinking god i hope they're filming this because this is fucking

great this is a great moment i mean it's such a mad world they're living in it's so mad and it's really surreal so the only experience i've got of this is when i was 21 i did a show called blood sweat and luxuries which was you know when stacy when Stacey Dooley, Stacey Dooley Investigates, right? So she did the first version of the show called Blood, Sweat and T-shirts and that launched her into doing like presenting. I didn't know what this show was,

but I was looking for a reason to escape university. I was studying law and I was terrible at it. And I happened to be present at the debating society. What? So cool. I know. And they got in in touch this we're looking for opinionated people to take part in this program

involves traveling for six weeks and i thought yeah great that will give me a good reason to leave my degree and to start the next year and try and do better so anyway i got on it i ended up doing it and when we did it they filmed everything everything so you couldn't even go for a piss in the morning without there being a camera there they'd be like what what oh no don't ended up doing it and when we did it they filmed everything everything so you couldn't even go for a piss in the morning without there being a camera there they'd be like what what oh no don't get up yet wait wait let's get the camera rolling okay we want to see you okay so what does the loo look like how do you flash it what you're having for breakfast you're showering you're on camera for about 12 hours a day and we did that for six weeks and when i came back to england and the camera

stopped filming, you do actually feel quite empty. You're like, oh, that's because you've been so used to being the main character in your life. Like everyone else gravitating around you. You're the star of the story. Your whole day becomes important. And, you know, we just picking up a cup of tea. That could be a filming moment.

So I think that actually when you've been on reality TV for the amount of time that they've been on reality tv i don't think that they could not be on tv anymore i think it would be such a shock to their system this is what i'm saying i mean you know on a desert island it would be really fascinating to see the reaction because i think they'd be like well what's the purpose of what i'm doing if no one's filming it? You know, why should I even have a conversation or have lunch if it's not going to be on camera? And that's the kind of energy that you get, I think, when you're on reality TV for that amount of time. Yeah, I think it's such a bizarre thing. It's like the idea of it even being called reality TV anymore.

It's just really strange. And it's like, it's not. I mean, it's just really strange and it's like it's like it's not i mean it's yeah very very unreality uh i mean i'm not even going to think about what having one of the kardashians with um ant middleton on the island together is going to be like that sort of i think they've fallen in love sorry no i think they will but i think watching that happen is just going to be like watching him get his you know his best lines out and everything and sort of impress her by doing lots of press-ups. But in a weird way, I feel like you saying that makes me think, probably what would end up happening is that Will and I, we'd hash things out,

we'd air our grievances, we'd probably end up becoming friends and then we'd just sort of watch them fall in love and then populate this island with with their middleton jenna offspring yeah yeah i think you just sort of watch them going off skipping off happily and you and will are sitting there and he's okay it's uh as um wordsworth said oh god shut up you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and

ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-N, ads.com. Okay, well, we've got this island, we've got the people, and I think you've done a very fine job picking those. But fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, for the song, I think I've got this right. If not, then I apologise in advance to the people who wrote the song. But I went for Dream, Things Can Only Get Better.

And the reason I picked that is because, and this is a bit, this is a bit of a stretch. I hope I'm not wrong. But basically, I don't like the guy who wrote that song. He's a bit of a twat. I've met him in real life. Honestly, everything about this has just gone really personal. No, it's good.

He was an absolute tosser. What happened was, Honestly, everything about this has just gone really personal. No, it's good. He was an absolute tosser. What happened was, and I'm sorry, I apologise in advance of DBM if it's not you, but I'm pretty sure it's him, or at least this man pretended that was him. So years ago, before I started doing stand-up, when I was trying to be an actor, you come out of drama school and, you know,

I was sort of, didn't have an agent, couldn't get any work, bloody blah. And the important thing was to try and get a show reel so you could get some film stuff with yourself on camera and to do that you do lots of free stuff you do like um uh film school films student films wherever you could do a bit of film and then if you like the payment would be here's here's a you acting on camera and a good quality piece of filming. So that was the agreement. And you'd find online these various adverts with various things. And I found this one and people were like, look, we've got no budget. Here's a script, terrible script. But, you know, we're going to film it. It'll be good quality camera, blah, blah.

I thought, OK, fine, you know, no budget, but they're going to film it. They've got this location. It was outside of London. I had to pay. I think it was like 40 quid or something to get there and you may get there when one comes and picks me up in um like a really fancy range rover i'm thinking okay well no it's quite it's quite i mean you know for somebody that's got no budget there's a bit of budget you know someone's got a range Rover and then we turn up at this house and it was this massive beautiful four bedrooms house more five six bedroom house in the countryside outside of London and basically it belonged to the person who wanted to do this entire short film and I guess what's always stuck with me even now now, is that he was not paying anyone there.

He wasn't even paying travel expenses. And you rock up at this guy's house and he's clearly a multimillionaire. And it just so pissed me off that every time I listen to that song, I think about that man. The worst thing, I guess, would be if he went, you know, I know you're not getting paid now, but it's like I said in my hit song and it had like a button where it could just go and then all the speakers activated and it sprung into life he was just shameless he was just shameless i was there in this in this mansion and i thought you're not even giving me 50 quid mate 50 quid come on i wonder wonder how he could have got...

He couldn't have got all that money from D Ream, right? I mean, like... I think so. Do you think? I guess... Because it was the Labour song, wasn't it, as well? Yeah, do you think the Labour Party had to pay loads of money to have it? Yeah, probably.

Honestly, I'm stirring up such shit on this podcast. I don't even know if it's definitely him. I might be really unfair. I'm going to get a DM now from D Ream who are going to be like it wasn't us but i just remember and i think there was something about that period of time especially where like you're an actor you just come out of drama school you're so desperate you're so desperate to be established to get a little bit of experience just to you know be seen that people just take advantage of you and and and i felt like this

was a man who just had very because the script was terrible i mean the short film was awful and it was just a man who had too much money um too much money too much time writing the short film but then didn't even have to respect to sort of pay performers or even just cover their expenses and it yeah it really pissed me off and and now has ruined that song yeah i mean brian cox obviously was in d ream and he's done very well out of it hasn't he said i mean brian cox from succession no uh the scientist brian cox okay was he yeah he was one of d reem which is a nice fact but that's about as interesting as d reem get well it wasn't brian cox no no it's called brian cox isn't it i'm just doubting everything now i'm doubting everything i'm doubting everything i'm panicked and my majors are gonna listen back

to this and gonna be like what the fuck are you doing stop sabotaging every relationship you've got no i stand by it just thinking of this song it's you know i say sometimes in this podcast like some songs are annoying but some songs go perfectly with the descent into madness on the island and i think this is one of those that should be such a great song to go mad to on the island like that's all you've got to listen to and you're starving but then things can only get better awful also just imagining that song and the labor party at the time and then what happened afterwards with tony blair and stuff it's just like it's all a bit you know just it's pre-iraq pre all that it really captures the feeling of actually what was quite a disastrous... Well, I mean, I feel like everything's been a disastrous political time, but definitely things, I suppose, didn't get better.

So it was a lie. Yeah. A good song to go mad to, though, I think. A good song to go mad to. And what would your film choice be? I've gone with... What are they called again? I've gone with what are they called again I've gone with the Irishman so this is like the very long yeah I think that's the key word here

the very long I would call it a three and a half hour wank that Martin Scorsese made a couple of years ago again Martin Scorsese if you're listening to this big fan love to do one of your films he is yeah but it's a knot between us.

Yeah, I hated that film. I just can't watch anything that long. I just don't, I mean... It's a complete piss take. Who is watching a film that long? Three and a half hours. Come on, check yourself. Check yourself.

I just think as well, though, films like that, anyway, usually have a lot of plot twists, a lot of different twists a lot of different characters there's a lot going on there's usually like some kind of double cross someone's covertly part of one gang and then blah blah there's a lot to get your head around and if it's going to be three and a half hours long there's going to be so much plot i'm not going to keep track of it and i know they did the clever thing where they sort of made them age didn't they

so they had like robert de niro they made him look young and then he got older through the film isn't that right is that that film i can't remember because i watched it once and what am i going to do watch it again what gives seven hours of my life to it i watched it but it came out the cinema i'm a big fan of martin scorsese goodfellas is one of my absolute favorite films so i come from a place of like i'm so excited about watching another film by martin scorsese in this kind of like underworld gangster vibe with a similar cast. Great. It's going to be fantastic. I went to the Genesis Cinema in East London and I sat down. I think I might have enjoyed the first hour and a half, as you should.

Good film, great actors. And beyond that, it just started to feel like and you know truly just like a very long masturbation you just think well what what is this for us are we gaining anything from this and then i remember very clearly there was a mouse in the cinema and um and it was just really surreal because it was like we'd all got so still and so bored that this mouse would just come out it started knocking about the cinema floor and it just for me it really captured the feeling which is that oh yeah i mean go yeah mate knock yourself out don't give us a fuck anymore come on and it got to two and a half hours in and you're

thinking are you joking me are you joking we were still here this little hour of this film to go and when i think back on it is i can barely remember the plot but i do remember that women don't talk in it at all and that was done on purpose it was supposed to be this like capturing of the male world and i think it's only is it brie larson who has like one line but i watched it and i thought well there's really nothing for me in this because what i loved about goodfellas was um the woman in it i can't remember her name was but i just i i loved her character and in this it was like goodfellas but longer but more boring and without any of the fun of any of the female characters i'm glad that he's done something though to capture the male world because there

hasn't really been much on that it's really underrepresented so it's doing that important work as well he's thinking about the people who really need to be given screen time which is good of him i'm so bad with anything that's over a certain length i mean i don't know if it's just my attention span has been destroyed by modern life and lack of sleep and stuff like that but like my friend sent me a podcast recently and it was over it was like four and a half hours long and i was like i mean these days even listening to one podcast takes me a long time i listen to it in little chunks across the week in between other things that i do and i was like how like this this is too long like make it you can make this less long this is no nothing about one subject needs to be

that long and i don't want to sort of be like come on mate half an hour job done you know on to the next thing like you know but to a point like you're probably going over a certain limit then you know i know there's a lot of sequels these days but you know in that instance maybe do a sequel i don't know precisely or like turn it into a tv series but also i think it comes down to this thing about have you bothered to edit that podcast it's four and a half hours and you've just sort of gone, there's an element of laziness there where you've gone, yeah, we'll just leave it as that. That's four and a half hours, gold.

That is absolute gold. There's nothing in there that isn't worth listening to. I don't believe you. That being said, I have watched theatre. I watched a play that was four and a half hours long and that was very good so it can be done yeah it can be done yeah fair enough i mean i just think on this island you're going to be stuck with this film i reckon ant middleton's going to love it because it's you

know oh my god he's going to love it he doesn't understand it all but he's going to love it you know yeah and then will gompers from the other angle is going to tell you why it's important and why you know why this is the director back to his brilliant best and things like that and why it's actually not about what you think it is it's actually about something much bigger and more complicated that you've overlooked 100 the man's playing would be on a point okay now um i just realized i normally do these sections the other way around and it's just confused me. Mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I've gone for Spam. Good choice. Corned beef. A couple of reasons. I mean, one, I don't eat meat.

So I think that's a good starting point and i think tinned meat is the worst of all meats especially if you're not a meat eater it's got a bit of a mystery meat energy and i know that there's something quite cool about spam now like it's sort of come back into fashion in this sort of ironic sort of you know quite cool funny ironic way well not for me it hasn't you know i don't there's anything ironic about or funny about canned meat so spam would be my meat choice yeah and my worst drink i'm gonna put bubble tea yes good yeah what the fuck is it i know it's it's it's it's like slurping on newts newts and and baby frog spawn it's actually it's just horrific and i don't understand it it's not a pudding it's not a drink um i i don't understand bubble tea because if i can eat it with

a spoon that's one thing i don't it's just saying it if I can eat it with a spoon, that's one thing. I don't know, it's just saying it's that weird middle point because you're drinking it, but things are like shooting up through the straw at you. I don't know why this needs to happen. I don't know where we are. Am I supposed to munch them when they're in my mouth? Do I just swallow them whole?

I think I sound very unopen-minded. It's obviously a very popular bubble tea, but it doesn't fit the brief for me it's never been a satisfying product i've never thought to myself oh i really fancy bubble tea and then i have one and it hits the mark it it leaves me confused and a bit irritated yeah yeah i often think that textures are harder to get used to than flavors because these bubbles don't really taste of anything but it's like this isn't something we're used to having in a drink you know and like obviously if we've grown up with it in asia it might be completely different of course but i also feel like i think there's a lot of novelty aspect to it and i think people don't like it as much as i think they do like you often see people walking

around with them like half finished or you see like a half finished one just left on a wall or something like I often say the same thing about Aperol spritz like I often don't see them finished you know and I think people like the idea of these things sometimes more than the actual thing it's like the thing itself yeah and so I used to work in Soho and there was a time when just everything like there were so many bubble tea shops and like some really cool cafes that I really like got shut down and turned into bubble tea shops. There's too much bubble tea for the amount of people that really want to drink it.

I think if you're into it, you don't need more than one or two shops in London, in central London, because like, but there's fucking loads of them and it really annoys me i'm not i just don't guess it and like you say for some people they're used to it they love it great fine fair enough but it would be probably if you sit to me all here great you've got a bubble tea i say well it couldn't you couldn't pick something worse and i think texture is the point there must be something about texture because spam is also a very difficult texture it's sort of like soft but it's a bit hard it's gelatinous but it's got some like weird bits in it and then bubble tea it's like again gelatinous sort of lumpy spawny it's like thick but it's also liquid no i can't

deal with it and here's a bonus thing i hate which you didn't ask but it just made me think of that when you're like cafes in soho and cat cafes dog cafes any cafe that has an animal at the heart of it i think i don't want fur around my food i don't want it near my plate i don't want it near my drink uh hygienically very concerning to me don't like it yeah you know what i think the same thing um i in fact yesterday near me um there's there's like an old pub that wasn't really there's nothing happening in it it's like disused and then it was getting redone yeah that looks like it's got potential and it's right near the parks that's good i can you know go for a drink with my kids or it's sort of like on the way to it's just

convenient and then it's like a doggy cafe and i just think what the fuck is this why can't it just be a people cafe for people and i'm good i don't know it makes me sound awful but i just think the sort of people that will be excited about a doggy cafe i don't want to go in there with them even if there aren't any and i don't even mind a dog in a pub you know it's all right a dog wandering around in a pub but like lots of them all around getting in the way and the sort of people that will get really annoyed at me being annoyed at their dogs just i just think it's going to be a nightmare and i think and i went past it the other day i was like oh it says it's like a bar as well so maybe it is like another place i could check out

but i just don't like that that vibe i think it's going to be full of irritating people well look the problem is if i'm being honest with me is that i'm not an animal person which i know we're not really allowed to admit to and it's not a good thing to be but i generally speaking don't get hugely excited about animals i'm not desperate about animals i'm not like oh show me a picture of your dog i like animals as much as i like the next thing but i'm not a big animal person so you're not going to win me on board by being like you can sit in a room full of dogs well i'm thinking you know we can't really recreate a doggy cafe on the island but um no maybe how can we incorporate it maybe ant middleton has set up a little bar, a doggy themed bar,

and that's where he serves you your spam and bubble tea from. I don't know. Or I hate everything about it. I hate him, hate it. But yes, yeah, that would definitely fit the brief in terms of one of the worst experiences of my life. Okay, perfect. Well, you mentioned not being an animal fan,

but finally, we are going to ask you about animals because the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why it's going to be a specific dog it's my friend's dog she's not gonna listen to this so it's fine um i actually can't remember the name of it i'm gonna call it a rat dog because that's what it looks like to me it's very small and it's quite ratty it's not a chihuahua it's something else just i really really don't like him and i'm not saying that he's a bad dog do you know what i mean like and i'm sorry because i know dog lovers get very dog defensive

but i just i met her dog and he's just i don't want to strike him festival i think he looks really like i don't want to touch him and i think he looks really like i don't want to touch him and then what happened was i was at my friend's house and i was staying with her and then we went into my bedroom and the dog climbed up onto the bed where i was going to be sleeping and he sort of did this thing where he dragged his bum across the sheets so like imagine he's got his bum sat down and he's pulling himself on his paws across the sheet. And I now know that that's some sort of indication of having worms. But when he did this, his bum poo spread across my bed sheets.

And then my friend was like, oh, that's a bit annoying. And went and got a wet wipe and wiped my sheet. And I had to be like, no, no, we're going to have to change the bed sheets now I'm not sleeping on a bed and I think that's when you really clock that you're not a dog person because to my friend it was so casual it was like hey it is a bit of

poo calm down just a bit of poo I don't know though like i still have to change my son's nappies and i've got a cat i have to deal with his litter tray and like i still don't want poo on my sheets i'm still not gonna just think a wet wipe is gonna fix that but i would i would be more chill about it if it was my niece's poo it like would gross me out less yeah but i still want to change the sheet and it would gross me out less yeah but i'd still want to change the sheet and it's like i mean i'd change the sheet if it was my own kids but if it was someone else i'm like yeah you change that shitty sheet but don't you find that can happen with

some people who are very animal orientated particularly people who have got like loads and loads of animals and who are very in love with their pets it's like you become the fussy one for not being as chill as they are about pets like if you go to a friend's house who's got five cats and you end up with like like cat hair on your food your friend will be very much like oh yeah just you know it off. But you might be there thinking, I can't eat this. This is disgusting. And I think that it's difficult when you're in an environment where there's lots of pets

because you kind of are forced to have to get on board with how your friend feels about their own animals. Otherwise, you're at the risk of looking really snobby. But I don't know. I mean, I think it's a bit of

just understanding other people not being like that. I mean, my sister-in-law was staying here and in the room she was staying at, my cat's litter tray was close by. And I came down in the morning and he'd done a really stinky poo. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And I was really embarrassed. And I was like, I'm so sorry about this. And she was like, no, listen, like my grandma was crazy.

She used to have a pet monkey and like 12 dogs and a peacock and all this sort of stuff and they used to shit everywhere and i was like okay but your grandmother's mental illness aside i'm still not comfortable with my cat doing a really smelly poo when you're a guest in my house so i am still going to apologize you know i think it's still like i have a cat he shits i don't like that i don't you know it's like i just think it's weird when people don't understand that someone else could be annoyed by animal feces on your bed well when when she left um my friend left my other friend's house i said we have to change those bedsheets i'm not i'm not putting up with i can't sleep in that bed sheet with the the wiped off wet white dog poo so in my head on this island it's just

that dog but times a hundred just dragging his bum around everywhere covering everything in feces oh man that is that is awful yeah what an annoying animal to have that's perfect perfect i think you know that's very much the shitty icing on an already turdy cake yeah so i think you've done very well so thank you so much for your choices today. And it's been wonderful throughout. And, you know, where can listeners see and hear more of your stuff at the minute? Well, I've got lots of content online,

Tassie McLeod, both on TikTok and Instagram. But the exciting thing I'm working on this year is I'm going to be at Edinburgh Festival doing my debut hour called fugue which you'll have to come to the show to understand what that means hopefully by the time i do the show i would have figured it out myself um it's going to be at 10 past two at the monkey barrel in edinburgh and i'll be there from the 2nd until the 27th of august so if anyone wants a trip up to edinburgh this summer is going to be in the area. Do come check it out.

Otherwise, if you follow me online, I'll be announcing some tour dates, hopefully, for the autumn-winter. Lovely. Brilliant. Well, we will look out for those. And thank you very much again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been a real pleasure. Thank you for having me. And, you know, to anyone who might listen to this, Ant, Will, Doreen, men, look.

Don't take it personally. You're all invited on the show to have your reply. Exactly, exactly. Thank you so much, Andy. Although I've also slagged them off as well, so probably it's going to be complicated for me. tatty mcleod there and i hope you enjoyed that episode and as always thank you so much for listening to it for those of you who've been recommending it to your friends as well and plugging it on social media as some of you do it's very kind of you and we really appreciate that too if you've got a spare couple of minutes to leave us a review on itunes or where you get your podcasts that would be brilliant as well it means a lot to us and it

does actually help the podcast get higher in the charts and that kind of thing and you know that means more people take notice we get better guests so you know it's just a lovely circle of love desert island dicks was a sync clap production it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon who was also the original host i'm the host and my name is dan benedictus and i also produce it we also get help here and there from chris attaway with our editing and always, it goes without saying, but we get a lot of just support, emotional, logistical and otherwise from our good friend and James's father, John Deacon. So thanks, John, for all you give us. That's it. We'll be back along again soon. We've got some good guests lined up as always.

So, yes, subscribe and you'll never miss an episode and uh yeah i think that's it so for now bye bye