Desert Island Dicks - TESSA COATES

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

Tessa Coates is many things: writer, comedian, one half of the Nobody Panic podcast and more besides. But today, she can add yet another string to her bow, as she becomes the next guest on Desert Island Dicks, and gives us all a taste of what her personal hell would look like on a desert island. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, my name is Dan from Desert Island Dicks. What's yours? Sorry, I can't hear you. This isn't going to work. I'm just going to carry on as normal. This episode features the wonderful Tessa Coates. She does many, many things indeed. She does podcasts, comedy, writing. We address this in the episode, so I won't spend too much time going on about it, but it was a pleasure to talk to her and I hope you enjoy it as well. Now, this is the sort of thing that I and other podcasters say all the time, but we would really appreciate it if you could subscribe, give us a rating and a review,

because it makes a lot of difference to our standing in the charts. And then when we get together with other podcasters, they won't make fun of us and put things in our drinks when we're not looking. So if you could do that, that would be really appreciated. We're just going to keep on rolling out the episodes. We've got loads of really good ones scheduled that I think you're going to enjoy. I think that's about it. Let's just listen, shall we, to the episode.

It's Tessa Coates to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is writer, performer, one third of sketch group Massive Dad, host of the Nobody Panic podcast and much more besides. It's Tessa Coates. How are you doing? Thank you so much. I'm doing so well. Thank you for your lovely introduction. Thrilled to be here. Thank you for coming on. Yeah, it's hard to, you do a lot of things. It's quite hard to condense it into a short biography.

Yeah, it's very tricky. Imagine what it's like for me at large family gatherings. And what is it you do? And I think, do you know? I don't know. I don't know. Well, I think next time at the family gathering, you should say, well, if you don't know by now, frankly,

I'm disappointed. I mean, even my actual parents think I have a topical radio show called don't panic so you know I'm like no very close but that's that's not what I do for a while when I was very unemployed in my early 20s and I couldn't bear the be asked it I said I used to say I worked for the government and I couldn't say anymore okay Tessa now we're here today to talk about the worst people and things that you could be stuck with on a desert island how did you find the task of uh curating your list i found it quite tricky i find it quite tricky because there are some people i wanted and i told my mom i was

doing this and she was like absolutely not you cannot say those real people like they they will find you like as in they're like some of them are relatives one was like they're like people who are very even if I'd attempted to disguise who they were they would be so easily identifiable and my mum has repeatedly told me to like stop telling true stories on the stage and was like you this has got to stop. You've got to stop doing this. So then when I removed sort of very particular people, then some of them are more like the essence of a thing as opposed to a specific person. I'm sure the instinct, as soon as you think about these, is to be like Donald Trump or whatever. But I do feel like,

particularly with our current awful Tory government, or perhaps you're listening in a better future and they're not here anymore. But I do feel that the thing that upsets everybody about them so much is the lies and the fakery to it. And I do feel like if you got any of those real dickheads onto the island, when there was no need for the pretense anymore, there's probably an all right-ish person under there. Like the thing that upsets everyone so much is this like, is the endless presentation of a different sort of person.

Though maybe I'm just being too naive and underneath the facade is just a worse, it's just an even worse person. Yeah, I think it probably depends on the individual, doesn't it? I reckon some are probably wanting to be worse than they're allowed to be in public life. And some of them are probably more mild-mannered and easygoing and just sort of along for the ride. I don't know.

That's the thing. Sometimes I feel a little bit sort of Anne of Green Gables about it all. And I'm like, oh, I bet they're all right, you know, under there. But then really people are like, no, people are just truly bad. Yeah. All right. Well, let's see who's going to make the shortlist then. Who's going to be the first person joining you today?

Okay. So the first person, it could be anybody. I am thinking of several specific people, but it is the essence of a job's worth. Okay. It is just somebody with a small amount of power, taking their small amount of power way too seriously and at the detriment of people trying to have a nice time and um this is my like by and large i'm a fairly easygoing soul but somebody doing that is okay so i went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago that was just in the town hall and

then it was everybody just uh above a pub for food and dancing lovely and the heat wave hadn't quite struck but we were absolutely gearing up for it it was a very warm evening the windows were open and at 10 30 10 30 this very large very furious man came like barreling in and slammed the windows shut and we're like what the what are you doing and he was like ah it's 1030 and that's enough of this noise. You know, the neighbors have complained or whatever. And we're like, it was the most like gentle, you know, nobody was, it wasn't leery. It wasn't anything, it was just like gentle music on a summer's breeze and laughter from a wedding, you know, at an evening.

If it had been 4am and, you know, I was going to say a sex party had kicked off I was going to say a chem party just really revealing that I'm not totally sure what that is if it's something absolutely outrageous I'd be like absolutely let's close these windows half past ten so I was so cross with them obviously we just opened them again as soon as it was gone

came back up shouted to everybody slammed them again and then come sort of about an hour later when they were closing, coming up to closing time. Again, we were like pre-midnight. The lights were all on upstairs. And the bride had decided it was time for her one woman rendition of WAP. And so the bride was on the floor doing her WAP solo. And I was like, I think the lights need to come down here and we'll just have the fairy lights and the candles for to give the bride some dignity for this this performance and then I was like went

to look find the white switch couldn't find the light switch went downstairs to be like how do we turn the lights off upstairs this like very sheepish young boy behind the bar was like oh you have to ask him and like gestures at this like horrible big guy so then I'm like so sorry can we turn the lights off upstairs he was like absolutely not and I was like why not he's like everybody's too everyone's too drunk you can't you can't turn them off and I was like, so sorry, can we turn the lights off upstairs? And he was like, absolutely not. And I was like, why not? He was like, everybody's too, everyone's too drunk. You can't, you can't turn them off. And I was like, everyone is not drunk with the exception of the bride who's currently rolling around on the floor.

And also you don't get to say what we do with our, with the creating of the ambience. And I was like, it's a wedding. Stop, stop saying, stop, stop stopping everybody experiencing joy. And he was like, listen, you've had a wedding. You've had a good time. And now it's over. And I and i was like oh my god and i just feel like so many weddings and if they're in like a venue or they're in a place they end for me at 11 o'clock at night when they haven't said oh by the way this is the last song or someone's just been like that's it that's the end turn the lights up get out everyone get out and you're like just don't don't let there be

weddings in your venue if you are not ready for it to be a wedding and it to be a joyful experience. You know, I understand there are rules, but you've got to be like, oh, every single time we turn the lights on, everybody boos us and shouts one more song for 45 minutes. So let's preempt that and say, guys, this is the last song coming up. Let's get the bride and groom in. This is the last song. I'm not saying you shouldn't have your rules. I understand they have to exist but to then enforce them without remembering that like people are people and they they're going to want to get around them yeah oh I've known so many

jobs worth in my life and they sorry I feel already feel so hot and angry about it it does happen so I should have warned you before the recording started. It is a side effect of doing this podcast, I'm afraid. Yeah, I think the thing with George Bushworth is, I mean, it's like you're saying, isn't it? It's just adhering to the rules with absolutely no sense that sometimes they can be bent a little bit if there's a sort of a bigger picture. You know, you're right, it's a wedding.

People aren't just having a drunken rave and it's within a reasonable limit. And, you know, even if you areave and it's within a reasonable limit and you know even if you are furious it's someone's special day so like maybe don't come in too heavy-handedly i'm terribly sorry it's just the neighbors around here are a pain in the ass blah blah blah it's all it takes it's like you've had your wedding the fun's over the fun you've had about it and that's not and it's over now the marriage is starting now marriage is starting now there's no fun to be had then oh it's just yeah it's that and it doesn't have to be just wedding it's just like anywhere that there is a fun experience happening and some people have

because humans are good at managing to create their own fun out of something and then you'd be like no that fun is not within the rules that's it gets me it gets because i think anyone who's in charge of sort of anything and there are rules to stand by has to also understand that sometimes the rules in a certain situation become silly like i remember being on a bus and you know how bus drivers are very strict about where they stop and everything and um there was someone who was just kicking off it was just intimidating the whole bus and then's trying to get out the door and the bus driver insisted

on getting to the next stop. And it was about 30 feet away, but we were in traffic so he couldn't get there. And he's like, can you please just let the psycho off the bus before he murders us all? I reckon we can get away with it

if you get charged by whoever would charge you, like the highways agency or whatever. You've got a bus full of witnesses it's a double-decker there's double the witnesses yeah just do it just do it stop being like no this is my this is this is what we have to do it's like the passion with which they adhere as though that's the greatest source of joy in their life is to do these things correctly like once and i this is on brand for it being we're about to crash on a plane is that um

once on a plane someone had sat in their wrong seat in order to be closer to their wife or whatever and it had worked out perfectly the two couples were separated oh perfect i'll sit over here you go over here everyone was like jobs are good and great this then this one guy was like even though it had what it was this situation was now more beneficial to him, he insisted they return to the original layout. His wife is like, Jeremy, leave it. Jeremy, leave it. He's like 70. And he's insisting we all go back to our designated seats.

And everyone's like, why? We're all in. You've made this much worse than it should be. And he was like, well, these are the rules. You have to sit in your seat. And he's like, everyone was eventually like why and he was like well because when the plane crashes they'll need to identify our bodies from the flight log at which point everyone was like right forget it like if that if that's your if that's your reason that we all that we all sit

in these much worse seats so that when we're dead it will be easier for the paramedics to like to identify our body i was like forget it I don't mind not being identified. That's absolutely fine. You know? Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. You know, fuck it. I think airports are a real hotbed of this kind of thing. And obviously, you know, there's lots of security and safety that has to be observed.

But at the same time, like I remember coming to America once and they sort of said, Oh, where are you staying? And I was 19. I was just going to rock up somewhere and find a place. And I was like, I don't know yet. I'm going to head to this rough area. I think my friends are there ahead of me. I'll look them up. Fine.

And they go, but you have to put somewhere, like on your entry form. I was like, okay, but you understand, I have no idea of all the hotels and hostels. And they're like, just put holiday in. And I'm like, I'm definitely not staying at this place though that I'm writing that you've made me do. know just that sort of thing or like exactly if there's anything happened to me and this is pre-iPhone when you couldn't just like look up where you know place

to put down and I was reading a book at the desk and I remember I wrote down in front of them an address a fictional address from the story and they were like great thank you now you can come in I was like but you this whole like but you've got to put something in this in this little box oh my god i like the idea of just making them up it's like number two honeysuckle cottage compton yeah and why not you know like if you've insisted i here we go yeah well i think this sort of person would i mean they're a nightmare in any situation, but on a desert island after a crash, I mean, particularly so.

And just sort of, you know, when the situation really doesn't call for any rules and observation of a certain code, then I think that, yeah, they're going to drive you absolutely mad. So let's see who's going to be joining them then. Who are we going to add into this pile? Okay. So adding into this pile is ideally multiple of this, but if there's only one person allowed, then I'm just going to give this extra skill to my jobs worth.

And it is people who are very good at acapella. Okay. It's an acapella group. Yeah. And they don't have to be a performing group. It is simply people who at the end of the night sing show tunes and i hate it because out of i mean this wouldn't you don't have to be freud to unpick why i hate it i'm breathtakingly jealous like i like i'm seething with jealousy about it i

wish i could make any kind of correct sound with my mouth but people who just like riff their way into a song and then somebody else comes in with a harmony and um the first time I saw those little boop it's a little it's a small little circle and it goes in your pocket and then you take it out and you blow it and I just thought that was a weird um like some the carol singing in in our village when I was a kid somebody brought one of those those. And I honestly, for years, thought it was a whistle. Like, now we start. I was like, that's the whistle. Off we go.

And then when it was revealed to me that from that noise, they were making that same noise with their mouth, I was like, but that's the noise of a whistle, and that's your mouth. And that people are genuinely, and when they described this thing, I was like, right, sure, but that's for like five musical geniuses, includingzart and it turns out loads of people can pitch themselves to that little to that little whistle and i hate it i am gonna give you i'm gonna let you have like

a little acapella group just because they need each other to survive you know so like otherwise they're just one singer they're half a person so I think we have to have a little group but but everybody can do it but me like so the jobs of earth can do it everyone can do it like everybody can sing and not me and they they don't understand how I can't that's also an aspect of it that when I'm like but how are you doing that like we'll just you make they'll be like oh and then they'll be like you make that noise back and I'll be like and I'll be like and I'll be like can't you hear that what you're making is different to me I'm like no of course I can't hear so I guess my nightmare is we're on this island they're endlessly singing and they endlessly try and

teach me how to do it and they cannot grasp how I can't do it and I can't they're they're bad teachers and they can't and I can't do it either and so every day we have to have singing practice and every day it ends in tears because I can't do it there is also a certain person a certain type of person who can sing well who just sings too much like I really like music I like listening to it but I don't always want someone singing it because it's like if you're singing over the top of the song I like then I can't hear the song I like and if it's a song I don't like stop singing that fucking song I don't like do you know what I mean so it's like. And if it's a song I don't like, stop singing that fucking song I don't like. Do you know what I mean?

So it's like, I really think there's a time and a place. And sometimes people who are really good at singing or playing instruments, whatever, kind of overlook that. And if you started doing something else, like just brought in your own music, it would just be really inappropriate. Oh God, I hate them. I hate them.

And now I've added an element of fury and now shame. You know, they bring a level of like crippling shame that I can't be part of it. I like a multi-layered decision. This is good. It's not, you know, it's not, there's lots of reasons where they're going to make your life a misery on the island.

I think it's perfect. It's a good choice. It's, you know, you've thought about this. Okay, who's going to finish off the combination of dicks? Well, okay. There's, may I tell you the runner-up before I tell you? Yeah. Okay, so the runner-up is very specific, very tall, very hungover, very obnoxious, very rich teenage boy who I worked with one summer

and he is inside a Gruffalo costume. I worked with him one summer in which I had to do a face painting in a children's toy shop in the Westfield Centre dressed as Cinderella. And this boy was inside the Gruffalo costume, which was too small for him. So you could see his wrists and his neck. He showed up steaming drunk, like every day we went there. And he went to some fancy school or a fancy university. And he really thought he was the shit. And his Gruffalo head was always like spinning at the wrong angle. And children would come in to see the Gruffalo, so excited to meet the Gruffalo.

And then he was so big, so much bigger than they thought he was going to be. His costume was so ratty and his eyes didn't blink. And also that head was constantly swiveling on his big neck. And so the children just left screaming in fear. So when I think about my worst person whom I never, ever, ever want to see ever again. It's this very tall boy's fucking neck in this Gruffalo costume. But who I've actually gone for is, again, a specific person in my life who I've been instructed not to name. He is perhaps 55.

He's made a lot of money on what I think might be slightly corrupt property deals. And he touches the small of your back a lot. But because he's married and he has kids, he thinks like, why would, you know, this is a totally fine thing to do. And he only ever tells stories about himself. And even if you attempt to say anything, no matter how cool it is,

even if it was like, oh, I've been cast in a Marvel movie, he would have a story, he would immediately say, oh, I've been working a lot with Liam, I was gonna say Liam Neeson there, but like Liam Hemsworth and he would immediately just make himself

the center of the story. He's a specific person I've known in my whole life and my gut turns over when I see him and I the thought of him being trapped on this island is oh man I actually think I would I think I would kill him and I would just make it look like an accident isn't that awful no it's fine I mean on this island you don't even have to make it look like an accident because you know who I mean apart from the jobs worth he he's probably going to have a few words. That's it. He's going to rat me out.

But, you know, there's no laws that you're breaking on the island because we're going to assume it's just, you know, international waters. Yeah, you're right. International waters. Any man for himself. So fuck him. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, fair enough. I think this type of person, I think I imagine especially women can identify with this sort of thing a lot more, you know, because it's like back touching mercifully doesn't happen to us chaps so much you know but um yeah it sounds like a horrible bastard that's the i think the thing is like no actual crimes like never done anything definitely awful to me just like just like gently sleazy and not only the sleaziness but the um the obnoxiousness the believing like that he's the he's the best guy

oh yeah I imagine you know you being forced to watch a performance from the the singers and him just sidling up next to you hand on the small of your back and he's whispering now in my ear about something I'm like shh we've got to we're supposed to be listening but he keeps telling me something and then the jobs worth says we have to be you know this is that's it that's it now shut it down it's 10 it's 10 o'clock we've got rules on this island they start going into a remix of an um of an um rihanna song and he starts saying about how he once met rihanna and oh hand on the back oh my god i hate this island so much yeah yeah oh god yeah you're absolutely right that's it it's oh my god i hate this island so much yeah yeah oh god yeah you're absolutely right that's it it's oh my god i hate him i mean obviously you know this person we can't get into specifics uh due

to you know my mum's legality yeah yeah do other people feel that who know him feel you're absolutely oh yeah okay so oh yeah yeah that's something because you know if you're the one who hates him and everyone else thinks oh no he's a nice guy. Oh, he's just being friendly. Then that feels even worse. So initially, and part of, and it was, used to be years ago, is initially it was just me saying this. And everyone being like, oh, he's harmless. He's, and he is harmless.

There's no actual crimes here. But like, it's that sort of like, oh, he's no bother. Oh, he's, oh, you know, that's just him. He's up for a laugh, whatever. And oh, don't mind his stories. And then increasingly over the years, everyone's come around to my way of thinking. So of late, now we're all on board.

So your campaign has worked. My quiet, relentless, my war of attrition campaign has worked, yeah. All right, well, look, we're going to move away from people now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. Okay, so my drink is a Bloody Mary.

Okay. My drink, or specifically, it's just we open the cargo hull and we're like, oh, thank God, here it all is. It's still in the freezer. It's still cold. And it's clamato juice? Right, yes. Clam and tomato juice? I mean, it is a disgusting taste.

And I know some people love a Bloody Mary, love those flavours. Wonderful, good for you. It is an out and out disgusting taste, clamato.

But to me, I think what, why I found it so upsetting is that, oh, I'm on a plane again. A lot of these memories are happening on a plane. I'm about, I was going to say I was about nine, but it feels very young to be doing this. I must've been a teenager. I must've been about 14. And as the

trolley's coming down, I'm just going to get my classic Coca-Cola or whatever. And then I see this guy and he orders a Bloody Mary. And the lady with the cart makes this amazing drink. She's cracking pepper in. There's a bit of a celery. There's all this stuff. And I was like, oh my God, that looks, look at the gravitas, the panache with which this drink has been made.

And him just casually being like, he might even have been in Canada. So he might've said, can I have a Caesar? And I was like, oh my God. And I felt, because I think all my life I've been looking to be this like very glamorous woman who has her signature drink her signature style and you're always like oh there she goes instead of just this like chaotic uh urchin sort of hustling from thing

to thing anyway and I was like oh my god that's going to be my signature drink so then it gets to me and I say I think I said I'll have what he's having maybe I said like oh a Bloody Mary please I said it's so casual I remember all my, maybe. Or I said like, oh, a Bloody Mary, please. I said, it's so casual. And I remember all my family being like, oh, wow, look at you go. Oh, wow. And it came. I was, oh, the excitement of it. I took a sip, a big sip, and I like, all over the back of the thing.

And everyone was so cross with me. Everyone, my whole family was shouting at me. And it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever tasted. and everyone would show cross with me. My whole family was shouting at me. And it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever tasted, but only the disgust, the betrayal, and also the collapsing of this vision of my life of what I was going to be, you know? Yeah, definitely. I like Bloody Marys and stuff,

but when I see a label that has a picture of a tomato and also a clam on it... Have you ever tried it? No, maybe I should, but i don't really already like bloody mary's maybe you maybe this is the the thing that i've been looking for i mean like i also get why they're sort of disgusting like i had to explain to someone once i went to an airport and asked for a bloody mary and he said what's that and i said it's vodka and tomato juice and he looked at me like yeah did you mean something else and you did you mean apple juice or something I was like no no no and he was like I'm just gonna put the

bits separately and you can make it yourself because I don't know what the fuck's going on and maybe is this a mystery shopper prank or something yeah but that's the thing if you'd never heard of one before that's exactly how you would react yeah yeah it's like I went to a hardware store and asked if they had cat flaps. And he was like, what's that? He didn't speak great English. And he said, what's that? And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's a small door that you cut a hole in your big door so you can put a door in.

And a cat goes through it. And he looked at me like, I'm not the crazy one here. And I thought, yeah, I get that now. Like, I understand why you're looking at me like that. So it's a similar sort of thing. Yeah, once you describe something, you are like, and it's the cat goes through his own tiny door. What's the problem here? Yeah, and I'm going to cut a big hole in my front door

so this can happen. For the cat's tiny door. And it swings like a saloon door, like he's a cowboy. Yeah. Once in a massive like Walmart, I asked somebody for a hot water bottle and they repeated hot water bottle at me for ages

until I was like, am I pronouncing that wrong? And then eventually they led me to the thermoses and I was like, oh yeah, okay, not wrong. Yeah. But, and then I was, then I kept being like, okay, but that, but now it goes in your bed. And then I was like, I felt like my soul had left my body. I was like, when you say something that's like so, such a normal phrase left my body I was like when you when you say something that's like so such a normal phrase and someone doesn't understand it and you try to explain you're like oh my god oh my god it felt very sort of Truman Show-esque of being like definitely now they just remove the hot water bottles and now we'll all pretend that and it's like and how quickly would

you if you couldn't find a hot water bottle you couldn't see a reference to it when you search on the internet you never found it like the sort of film yesterday like how quickly would you be like oh well i guess i invented them you know i guess i guess i made that up you know um yeah i think okay well because because this is your island then and it's all your worst things we say it's a bloody mary but with clamato juice i know is it called something different when it's that it's called just called a clamato bloody mary it, sorry, or a Bloody Caesar. Right. Ah, okay, a Bloody Caesar, people say,

is just a better Bloody Mary. Oh, my God, and you put a pickle in. Whoa. Oh, no. It reminds me a bit of, you know, there's a Simpsons episode, and they invent a tomato that's crossed with tobacco, and it's called a tamaco.

Oh, yeah. And then people find them disgusting, but they can't stop eating them tobacco and it's called a tamaco oh yeah and then people find them disgusting but they can't stop eating them and it's that same that what it's just a compound word i don't i don't want to hear right and they must have tried it with other other shellfish well you know people make sort of like you'll quite often see on the internet like a joke you know joke foods or whatever or you know you know photoshop people are so so talented these days yeah it looks real. I do remember the first time I saw a cremator, I assumed it was that.

I assumed they were like an April Fool's. Like you just, you stuck two horrible words together and now there's a clam on the front of this juice. Like I was just absolutely horrified. Yeah. Oh, Christ. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, you're going to be drinking nice,

warm, bloody caesars and what would be your food choice to try and sort of distract you from the taste my food choice and i imagine this maybe comes up quite a bit but is a uh a dis is a garage four quart sandwich in the plastic packaging there's just something i mean not only are they disgusting to physically but there's something so unspeakably forlorn about them that they really i have to sort of stop and look at them every time i come across them they're so sad to me that somebody because they when you look at them you're looking at quite a lot of somebody's hours work in each individual one well maybe in a minute but like each one is somebody stood on the line

and made these things someone had to buy the the ham someone had to decide probably the job's worth exactly how much butter was allowed on this thing and decided that that was in it's just the lack of soul that's gone into this thing and that somebody I would rather there was just no sandwiches I would rather there was when I went to this place I would rather there was nothing there than there was one of these I've been I've never, ever eaten one. And they're thick plastic packet. They're also vacuum packed. Like they're going to space.

And it's just the sadness of it. And I know that that's such a common thing to hate. And I'm like, why are they still there? Like how, if we're all collectively agreed that this is bad, how does this company stay? Is there drugs inside them? Is that how this business stays alive? You know, how is that how we're trafficking drugs around the country is inside these sandwiches because no one's ever eats them it's sort of something i'm like why why are they there and why are they so prolific and why are we as a nation so happy to have something so shit you have like driving the services in france like their crap display

of sandwiches are these exquisite baguettes. You know, they're sort of, they're the thing that I guess the French are like, oh, how embarrassing I have to have. Oh God, I could only have a service station baguette. And yet it's like fresh lettuce, fresh tomato, all this beautiful ham. Parma ham and stuff. Parma ham, you know, mustard, cracked black pepper. You know, like someone's taking all this care over it and that's their level of service station. And ours is this one dribble of ham and this oh christ i so hate them so much it's sometimes you know you hear sort of uh people who live abroad sort of complain about how bad the food is in england and you

know you can be walking around a hip part of london you think i don't know like this is great there's loads of nice places here i think you, you know, we're misrepresented. And then you go to somewhere like that and you're like, yeah, it's because of this. You know, you're only as strong as your weakest link. And we have a series of very bad links. That's exactly it. Because I think we have an amazing selection. We have some Michelin starred restaurants. We have some incredible dining culture in this country. And yet we can only be judged by our weakest link. And it's that, is such wisdom from you oh thank you once that services in italy i've god i'm really wanging on here like i'm really well traveled and i do apologize but i think it's that you only really realize how bad it is when you see it in another country

and it's like there was a mozzarella stall in the in the car park and we got given this like ball of mozzarella and it was the most delicious thing I've ever eaten. So delicious that I actually can't eat mozzarella again, which is a real blow, you know,

because I'm like, well, it's not as good as it was in that car park. And so you're like, if that's a driving snack, you know, an hour we can think

is just so far behind that. And yeah, it just smacks this like lack of care and lack of being like, you only get this day once. And what you've chosen to do with your one precious day is to eat this ham sandwich. Sorry.

So sorry. So upset about it. It's 2022 for God's sake. For God's sake. Fuck the flying cars. I don't mind that they're not here. I don't care. Let's work on this.

Can I have a better sandwich, please? Yeah. Yeah. That's a good depressing meal you've got for yourself there. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads.

Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. All right. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song.

What are they and why? Well, my least favorite song what are they and why well my least favorite song and again I'm sure crazy frog has come up as crazy frog come up before on here I think so yeah I mean annoyingly my son started watching that recently which is a real blow because I just thought his generation would skip that how old is he he's five so he's kind of at that point where he has the most open music taste in the world because he has no ego, you know. So like you can play him stuff by the Beatles or some drum and bass and he'll like those as much as he likes Crazy Frog. Yeah.

And I wonder if actually it taps into something in a child's like it's just a musical beat that a child really loves. It's like I toyed with, you know, some of those incredibly annoying songs. And what I've gone for is The Final Countdown. Okay, yeah. By, and now you'll have to say. Europe. Europe. And does it go, it's the final countdown.

Do-do-do-do. Okay. Yeah, that's it. Okay, so objectively, I don't think it's a bad song and I don't want anybody to be upset with me. And if Europe are listening, God you very good work but I okay so at university I every Friday and Saturday night I worked I worked in a bar called the fighting cocks and um which was a dumb thing to do I should have worked in like a student bar or something but I worked in the local bar

and every Friday and Saturday night there was a disco from nine o'clock at night till one o'clock in the morning and towards the end from half past midnight till one o'clock in the local bar and every Friday and Saturday night there was a disco from nine o'clock at night till one o'clock in the morning and towards the end from half past midnight till one o'clock in the morning there was a playlist because I wasn't really aware of the music for the rest of it but for this half hour the music was always exactly the same as we built towards the end and by this point I was so exhausted and always like just covered in alcohol like you know from it just being such a rowdy bar. And, and just knowing that like, you know, when you're working a shift that you're like, okay, maybe, and you're like, don't look at the clock, don't look at the clock, don't look at the clock. And you're like, okay, I think

it's been an hour. And then you look at the clock and it's been like 12 minutes. And so now for this final half hour, when I would try and distract myself as best as possible and try to make it go faster I knew exactly where we were because this the the final playlist had started and it was all these sort of like end of night wedding classics that I have such bad like PTSD from that if they when they play at weddings I have to like leave leave the dance floor and then the final one was the final countdown but sometimes they would play it on repeat because like people and so we had the final countdown up with honestly six times and like because people were loving it so much and it's just that thing of like everyone's shouting slightly off key and me saying off key I don't really know but even then I could tell when

somebody is not quite on the words bellowing out shouting you know shouting along to the words and then we just have it again so that that to me is just because it conjures up bad memories I mean I think it's a song we've all probably had a laugh to at some point but there comes a time you know where we have to sort of be honest with ourselves and it's not the last song you want to hear forever is it forever right but then also like is there a song I suppose if this was like you had to choose a song is there any song in the world that if you only had that song you wouldn't tire of it you know I mean if there is it's not the final countdown that's for sure there are songs that would have better longevity than that I think and it's

probably like a classical piece or something that's like maybe 20 minutes long and you sort of limit yourself to like only a bit of it each day or something yeah and you know what that acapella group are going to relish the chance to uh do their own version of final countdown they'll go hey tessa uh we've been working on something and then one of them starts doing the bass like and then the other one's like doing the guitar oh man and then they like they play each other like they one of them pretends to be a double bass and they like play. And then one's like bending over and they're like banging the drums on their butt. It's so cheeky.

Oh, a bit of fun. And again, it's from pure jealousy. I just want to be part of it. Yeah, the idea of that. Because there's no, they can't resist it. They can't resist it. They just love it. It has to be done.

Yeah. And what would your film choice be? My film choice is a film choice is um a film i haven't seen since i was a teenager but we all went to the cinema we snuck in because we were is a 15 and we were underage and it felt very cool and a big group of us went and when we were sneaking i remember being like yeah this is cool and after the film i was like that was the biggest mistake of my life the film was the ring and I did not sleep properly for nine years the ring truly truly ruined my life like I was honestly absolutely terrified of it and I don't. And I think choosing it for this island is like,

eventually we'd be so bored that we would have to watch it. And I honestly can't tell for me which is worse. If now I watch it as an adult, I'm just as scared. And this is the only source of entertainment we have is this movie. Or I watch it again. I'm like, this is the shittest movie. Why were you so scared by this? And I can't tell

which is which is worse so for people who aren't familiar with it so it's a horror film there's originally a japanese version and then there was a i think there was a remake wasn't there i don't know which one oh sorry obviously this was the the remake i'm sure the japanese one is and i've heard is absolutely incredible but this was the the shitty american remake um of the ring which got lambasted at the time for you know doing bad things with the original source material, making poor choices, etc, etc. This film criticism was above my head because I was sleeping with the light on every day for nine years. So I'm sure it's, I don't know how well regarded it is within the film community, etc, etc. Honestly, I can't engage with any dialogue about it whatsoever.

Because that's how much I hate the film community etc etc i honestly i like can't engage with any dialogue about it whatsoever because that's how much i hate the film it's about a i mean i feel tense even describing to you okay so uh some kids watch a videotape and every and then afterwards everybody dies and it's about somebody sort of unpacking the mystery of this tape thing but how you die is a girl comes out of the television. Yeah. No. And when she came out of the television, I think, because I just didn't see it coming, or even somebody had said, like, she comes out of the screen,

that that had been something that somebody had said. And weirdly, I just didn't put the two and two pieces together. So every time we saw, like, a sort of screen door or any sort of screen thing, I was like, that's the screen. You know, I kept thinking, here it comes, here it comes. So then she's coming. She's so scary. She's on the telly.

She's coming towards the camp, this thing. And you're thinking, in the rational part of your mind, you're like, it's okay. Even if you were actually watching this on the, she's like, it's just on the telly. I'll just turn the telly off. Like, this is okay. This is fine. It's scary. And it's horrible to look at.

But you can turn it off. And then she climbs out of the television oh god and then it just like i think that moment sort of like um the the walls of like what was and was not possible within like the fear of your own imagination was was sort of all fell apart it's the only horror film i've ever ever seen and like look at the state of me I'm I'm traumatized yeah I think it's one of the very few that I've seen I don't like the genre at all and I think as far as I remember because I saw the Japanese one and as far as I remember it's one is that scary because not much happens you know you're waiting for something a lot so the bulk of it is kind of eerie because

nothing's really happening yeah and then at the end it just goes totally batshit and you're like what the fuck is i just didn't see that coming this is probably worse than it being scary all the way through yeah right i think it's just like it's this gentle creeping anxiety inducing like ah and then there's this hot then this and then this you know absolutely no i agree having to watch it all over again oh awful awful okay right tessa finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why okay left field choice from me because i thought i bet everyone you know i knew people do like the snakes the spiders the, the scary stuff. And I was like, I have a quite sort of live and let live attitude to animals. I really, I'm like, ah, this was their island.

Do your thing. Runner up, the big worms from the film King Kong. The horrible big worms. But then I was like, listen, they'll just live in their bit and we'll live in our bit. And we just will never, the twain shall meet, you know? Maybe. Maybe. But I don't know. their bit and we'll live in our bit and we just will never the twain shall meet you know maybe maybe but i don't know and then what i've gone for number one is those it's not even an animal it's those robotic dogs it's those robo dogs oh the really advanced ones that them is it boston

dynamics boston dynamics yeah robotic dogs with those horrible legs and their little thin like wire they're one stick bodies and they're it's the way those legs move is honestly more horrifying to me than even the big worms because it's something that's like a bio a biohazard is what i was gonna say but like a biodegradable as an animal it has an animal system i understand how it works i'll ultimately i'll be able to have to work how to kill it or at least how to live in harmony with it the robo dogs with their little backwards legs just like that the thought of them being on the island and us not being able to and being so beyond us me my new gang none of them helping I mean to deal with these dogs like and we don't know what they want or how to control them um

that to me is even worse than the big, because truly I'm all right. Like I don't mind insane. It's like, I'm happy to get a spider out of your house. Like I'm all right about it. But these boys, no, no, no. Yeah. I know like, you know, not all artificial intelligence should make us

just think Terminator and Apocalypse, but it kind of does. And especially when some of the videos show how great they are. And they're like the guy who the the operator will try and sort of knock it over and you see it steady itself yeah and it's like it just feels like terminator just coming back even when it's got no legs it's just going to keep clawing itself along like the woman out of the telly in the ring right right i think it's

that it's like things that are beyond your control and similarly i guess oh gosh this is it feels like we're really hitting a deep psychological well here. But I suppose also the people I've chosen are people who are like not on my wavelength and they can't understand me and I can't understand them. Like I'm like, I don't understand you.

And similarly, my drink, my stuff, oh my God, my sandwich, the whole thing. Yeah, it's all just people I'm like, we can't comprehend each other. And it's that misunderstanding that's gonna cause this to be the worst island in the world. Definitely. I made myself ill thinking about my island.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, I'd like to think that now it's off your chest. You can, you've shed a sort of emotionally load and you can carry on. But I'm not a psychologist and it might not work like that. So, you know, I have to apologise just in case. So, you know, unfortunately I can't control these things. Just best of luck, I guess. Yeah, best of luck with your day as you just drag around this horrible thing you've created. Yeah, I'm very sorry. Okay, well, look, let's distract people. Tell us all what you're up to at the minute. Where can people see and find?

I can't say this bit very well, but basically tell us what you're up to. What I'm up is uh i make a podcast that you mentioned the beginning it's called nobody panic we have just at the uh british podcast awards won silver and won a cushion with our face on it absolutely lovely thing to win um we just got the cushion but we're fine with it you didn't get your face on it well we've got the logo on it's here in fact oh yeah yeah sorry but our logo uh is our face that's how that's how we sorry yeah ours is yeah all right we've all got a cushion look at us look at us out cushioning each other um sorry it's just our logo but therefore but it's all of us so it's got us on it a lovely thing to win um it is july at the time of recording which means

i'm heading up to edinburgh very shortly and as a result a number of things in my house are in rainbow order i've just as a form of distraction i keep i keep organizing the books into rainbow pattern and then uh you know really really organizing a draw very tidy and then be like write your show mate write your show so i'm heading up to the edinburgh fringe to do a run for the whole thing from the 3rd of August to the end of August. The show is called Tessa Coates colon get your Tessa Coates you've pulled. I've lost confidence in the title. I'm very worried about it. I'm on it at 6pm in the Pleasance Courtyard in the Beside. And I'm really, really excited. I mean, the show is later than I do normally. And it's in a bigger room. But and I've really like stepped up the show,

I think this year, but I'm really excited. I'm really excited to do that. Um, so yeah, come and find me physically in person in the Pleasance or come and find our podcast, Never Do Panic or find me on Twitter or on Instagram. I'm at wheatpraylove because I had short-lived dreams of starting a gluten-free blog, but I'm very lazy, so I didn't do it. Rejected titles, Gluten Morgan, Gluten Airport, Gluten Things I Hate About You, bit of fun. Yeah, so that's what I'm working on at the moment. Lovely.

Well, we look forward to catching you in all of those things. And thank you very much for being a guest today. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. It's been an absolute dream. And thank you very much for being a guest today. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. It's been an absolute dream. And thank you to you. Thank you to people listening. There you go.

That was Tessa Coates on Desert Island Dicks. Hope you enjoyed that. Desert Island Dicks is a Sync Clap production created by James Deacon, produced and presented by Dan Benedictus and edited by Chris Attaway. As always, a very special mention to John Deacon for his ongoing and unwavering support of the podcast.

Thank you, John. We'll be back next week with another episode. I think I know what it is, but I'm not going to tease it just yet because I can't quite remember. But it's a good one, whoever it is. So thank you very much for listening, and that's it. Bye.