Desert Island Dicks - TEZ ILYAS

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

For this week's podcast, I'm joined by actor, writer and comedian, Tez Ilyas. Be sure to follow the podcast on twitter @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert island dicks with us today is comedian Tez Ilyas. Yeah, thank you very much for having me. Really excited. No, thank you very much. Thanks for coming in. I really appreciate it. Tez, should we just dive in?

Should we do your first one? Yeah, let's do it, mate. Who's going to be your first choice for your island? So for my island person I wouldn't want to be with is my girlfriend, Rosie Holt. Straight in. Straight in with the girlfriend? Straight in. This is a first. That is a first. Okay. Rosie Holt straight in straight in with the girlfriend straight in

this is a first that is a first okay dare I ask why look I love my girlfriend the logic is that I want to get home

to my girlfriend I don't want to be marooned on an island with my girlfriend because I was chatting I was going over with her yesterday

and she's like what do you mean you wouldn't want me on a desert island with you? And I was like, what are you? Because I've got no skills. So I'm not saying I'd be very good in that situation. I've got no skills to bring to the table.

But I'm there now. There's already one useless person there. And I asked her, what is she good at? And she said, drawing and writ. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Which I value both of those things. But those aren't going to be useful. I can write SOS on the beach.

I don't need an artist to do that for me. Yeah, yeah. So we were driving in the Midlands the other week and I had a gig in Leicester and I had to drop her off at a station in West Brom so that she could get back to London. Right. And we were driving along an A road.

I was like, can you just tell, can you just redirect me to the station that you need to get to and how long will it take us to get there from here. She had Google Maps out eventually just threw

the phone into the footwell and then I had to get on the hard shoulder and within 30 seconds I'd worked it out. No! Oh man! We have the same

we both have iPhones we were looking at we've got the same app. How can it be so different? And you're using technology. I'm not asking you to work out through a compass and stars. So, yeah, your thinking is that she's not going to help you out at all. She's not going to help me.

I'm not good, practically. And I wouldn't add value in that situation. In terms of wit, I'm bringing that. Yeah. I can draw SOS on the beach, so I don't need an artist. Yeah. I can draw stick figures, so I can do a speech bubble saying SOS. You know, that bit I've got covered.

So I just, and I think, I feel like I need someone at home really beating the drum of rarest hairs. Yes, okay. I need a champion at home. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. So, yes. So, some reason

to get yourself home. Yes. Okay, okay. Right. I've never had anyone pick their girlfriend as their first or even as any choice

on this before. I thought going big. Yeah. How is she going to feel when she hears that? I think once she hears the logic, she'll still be very angry. On International Women's Day?

At time of record. At time of record. Yeah, International Women's Day. First person on there is your girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. Well, at least, you know, you're stuck on this desert island. You've got, you know, like Tom Hanks in Castaway. His raison d'etre

was to get off that island to get back to his family. If his family was there, he might have got comfortable. And then just thought... Just a Robinson Crusoe situation. Yeah, and just stay there. Okay. It's great logic. Any other reasons why you put your girlfriend on there first?

I mean, we would drive each other up the wall. Okay. There is that. And then if we split up on the island, there's not a lot of options. Yeah, there's no rebound option apart from each other.

Yeah. So we'd be stuck in some sort of paradox. Just a constant rebound. What are we on? We're just on a rebound. Okay. We were on a break.

Now we're on a rebound on the island. I saw how you looked at that fish. We were on a break. I thought we were on a rebound. Okay, that's great. The girlfriend goes on as your first choice. Tez, who's going to be your second choice? Second choice is, and I don't know how we find these people,

but the people that I don't want to be stuck on a desert island with is. So, I drew a lot of driving in this job up and down the country, playing various comedy clubs, which means I drew a lot of motorway driving. And, like a lot of people in Britain, I do suffer from a little bit of road rage.

Oh, who doesn't? Right. And the people who grind my twazzle the most is, you know, self-appointed motorway police. Okay. Yeah. So think about the scenario where in two miles, you've got the signal that one lane is going to close. Right.

Yeah. Two lanes are open or three lanes might be open, but one is about to close, but it's in two miles. You've got a bit of time. So everyone is slowly migrating in their own good time into the other lanes so i'm like well there's space in this lane i'm gonna keep going until the zenith point and then i'll merge into into the other lanes great mathematically i've read that is the right thing to do sure so science is on my side and maths now i hate those people That straddle two lanes To stop people

From doing that It's not your dad's motorway Yeah Who are you? And it's usually lorries Yeah So those people Oh yeah lorries

Why do they feel like they're king of the road? You're not going anywhere anyway Yeah So what's your problem? You're restricted to 54 mile an hour they feel like they're king of the road. I mean, you're not going anywhere anyway. Yeah. So what's your problem? You're restricted to 54 mile an hour. Exactly. We're all going past you at some point anyway. So I don't know what their problem...

It happened to me once, but it was on the outside lane, or the inside lane, I don't know which one, the slow lane. Yeah, yeah. So I just went around him on the hard shoulder, and then when I went past him, I stuck up my middle finger in the mirror

and was like eating my dust did you actually yeah yeah yeah yeah and he tried to close the gap no yeah I was like

you mad bastard are you trying like because you might clip me but you're out on the hard shoulder that could go horribly wrong oh yeah I know

I know but you know what it was it just pissed me off okay because I wanted I wanted him to know I was you know what? It just pissed me off. Okay. Because I wanted him to know I was pissed off. Yeah.

But from behind, I couldn't communicate to him because he can't see. Yeah, he can't see me. But you wanted to make sure you were there up the front. And then I'd gone. And then very quickly,

I was three calls in front of him. I think you're mad. Getting on the hard shoulder, that's crazy. No, he pissed me off, bro. So I don't want those people on this desert island. Because God knows what sort of roads they'd be setting up. Yeah.

If it's specifically lorry drivers, do you know what I mean? I'm sorry if any lorry drivers are listening to this in their lorries. But just because you spend more time on the road than me doesn't mean you own it. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what I mean? It's not your road. Exactly. You might take the tube more.

It's not your tube. Mm-mm. No, no, no. Okay. So self-appointed... Motorway stewards. Stewards. Okay.

I'd call them. Yes. Okay. Self-appointed motorway stewards. Do you want to do your third choice? Who's going to be your third choice? Third choice, I'm going to go controversially with Jose Mourinho. Oh.

Okay. Why is that controversially? It's not. Okay. I'm just trying to build it up. I'm just trying to make it more exciting than it was. Yeah. Jose Mourinho.

Mourinho. I don't like him. Fucking prick. Mourinho. He's not managed a single team that I like. Okay. really? he's not managed a single team that I like every team he's managed not Inter Milan

and FC Porto not so much but here United I grew up in Blackburn ok who do you support? Blackburn Rovers Blackburn Rovers

so when I was growing up you know I mean it's laughable now but you know we were Manchester United's main rivals and a lot of people

in the town supported Manchester United and I've always hated them you know and we're fairly close geographically as well Chelsea hate Chelsea

yeah and then Real Madrid and I'm a big Barcelona fan okay so why are you a big Barcelona fan I'll tell you why it's a great story

because everyone always thinks it's a bit of a glory hunting thing and a little bit but not really so in 1994 at the height of the Blackburn Rovers-Manchester United rivalry, because we won the title that season. Right. Manchester United played Barcelona in the Champions League.

And they went away to the Nou Camp and got hammered 4-0 by Romario et al. And it just didn't happen. I didn't see that. I didn't see United take a hammering in that way so I just fell in love with this team and also I had the 1992 Barcelona Olympics

theme tune in my head the Korean one Barcelona so I had that in my head as well so with those two things combined and a lovely kit

and Romario who just won the World Cup with Brazil I just was like this is I have found my second team and then they had

the original Ronaldo and then Rivaldo and then Ronaldinho and now Messi who is the love of my life which I have told my girlfriend

I told my girlfriend that if Messi just you know on a whim said you know what Tez drop your life you're now

my bad boy I'd be like that's happening. 100%, I'm on board with that. So she's prepared for that. That's so funny. Oh my God, she just knows, that's it. She knows.

If he rocks up tomorrow, you've got to drop it. Yeah, everything. Amazing. Okay. Okay, but back to Mourinho then. Yes. Can you remember the first time you were like, this man isn't for me?

Just the first Chelsea interview. You know that I am the special one. Oh, yes. He's a good man. He's not without talent. And I appreciate the fact that he's a very, very competent football manager. Yes.

But I do not like the bloke. OK. All right. I mean, I think that's fine and justified, right? He's won himself a lot of silverware, as they say. And his stories, I'd hate his stories. Because we're stuck there. I don't want to hear stories about his time at Manchester United and Chelsea and Real Madrid.

Right. Okay. Yeah. And then I just end up winding him up about every time Barcelona hammered him. And then we just end up falling out. Okay. Okay. Don't need attention. ended up winding him up about every time Barcelona hammered him and then we just ended up falling out okay okay but this Mourinho-Kante

feud does add some yeah fun to the Premier League yeah and then you know what

I double down on my dislike for him when he went when he went after Wenger okay because I like I like not I mean you know

he's solid his reputation now but we're talking you know when you call him a voyeur yes didn't like that. Oh, right.

Do you think it was a low blow? Yeah, it crossed the line. Always punch up? Is that it? Never punch down? But also, just be a bit... It's a bit dark. It is a bit...

Okay. Because there's always this joke about... You know, because Wenger had a reputation for eyeing a good youngster. So there was always these kind of, of like joke on the terraces about Wenger being you know a bigger. Okay yes.

And so Mourinho knows that and so the reason he said this is to fuel that kind of thing. So I didn't like it.

And he doesn't yeah and as well you know at this time kicking him while he's down. Do you know what I mean? He's not having

the best time at the minute. So I didn't like that. Yeah okay. Okay. Oh it's a dark end. Yeah I'm sorry I mean? He's not having the best time at the minute. I didn't like that. Yeah, okay, okay. It's a dark end. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, no, it's fine.

We've still got loads. It's alright. Mourinho, and I understand, you know, you rock up and you're like, oh, I am the special one. You know, it takes a certain type of person. It's like we're all stuck here, mate. Yeah. When they rescue you, they rescue me as well. They're not just rescuing you. Yeah. It's a worry that your girlfriend might rebound onto me at some point if it doesn't work out. Yeah. When they rescue you, they rescue me as well. They're not just rescuing you. It's a worry that your girlfriend might rebound onto me at some point

if it doesn't work out. Yeah. That'd be worse for everyone. Exactly. Okay. All right. Jose Mourinho. Okay, Tez.

Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Oh, God. Well, drink. I don't drink alcohol. Right.

You know, because I'm not an infidel. So any sort of alcoholic substance, I would, I mean, I can drink it if survival is at stake. Yeah, okay. But, you know, it wouldn't be... If it's the only thing going... Yeah, then sure, for survival I would drink it, but I wouldn't like to. Right.

I think I'd be completely lightweight because I've never drank. So anything, you know, a bottle of Vicky would get me... Yeah. Would get the best out. I may be naive here, but have you ever drank? Have you ever had... No. No, so I've accidentally sipped vodka lemonade thinking it was my lemonade.

Oh, right. Okay. I've never been drunk. Yeah, all right. So I think I'd be completely and utterly lightweight. Yeah, so any... And now I would just be a liability. The S I'd be a complete and utter lightweight yeah so any and now I would just be a liability

the SOS would be OSO I'd be like well this is fine yeah seems good sweet we're fine

you're just like we're fine on the beach and carry on boozing you know what I quite like it actually I'm fine here yeah leave us

become best mates with Mourinho and that lorry driver what's it like as the friend that doesn't drink being around your drunk friends leave us. Become best mates with Mourinho and that lorry driver. What's it like as the friend that doesn't drink, being around your drunk friends? When I was at university, I got so involved that people didn't believe that I didn't drink.

Okay. Because I still love dancing. I was a big, big, big dancer back in the day. Cool. Through shapes, through copious amounts of shapes in the club. And so people, but then I could sober up so quickly

if anything kicked off which you know I rarely did in Lancaster but on the odd occasion I was quick to sober up but people didn't believe that I didn't drink okay right

people would just like be like yeah yeah because you're having you're just doing what everyone else is doing yeah yeah for sure alright okay cool

do you feel like it's infectious then when people are like you know if you're the one not drinking and people are all getting drunk? When I was younger, yes.

I don't have the same tolerance now. And I think I have tolerance for younger people who drink. You do anything. But I have less tolerance for people who are my age who act up on you. Okay. Because you're 30s. And I know people who are like, yeah, but you know what I'm like when I'm drunk. I'm yeah, but you know what I'm like when I'm drunk.

I'm like, but you know what you're like when you're drunk. Yeah. So stop it. So stop doing it. I'm not saying don't drink. I'm just saying don't get to a level. Yeah, rein it in. Two less pints.

Yes. Or whatever it is. But it might help me get on better with Mourinho because I imagine he's got a sophisticated palate, one assumes. Maybe, yeah. He would have some nice booze with him, I guess. Okay, cool. Yeah, as the friend that doesn't drink.

Okay, so any alcohol. Yeah, it'd be unfortunate, wouldn't it? And you're just like, oh my god, I need a drink. And then you open the cargo hold of the plane. Yes. Although, I have this thing, maybe it's delusion, but if I were a drinker, the sort of drinker I'd be

is the guy with a private library with a big globe that I'd open up, take out a glass decanter, a couple of glasses, put some ice in, the brown liquid, I don't know what it is. Put it in there, swirl it, give it to you, and then be like, tell me about the numbers, James. That is the sort of drinker I'd be. I imagine.

If you were. Yeah. Wow. In reality, I'd probably be in the Wicked's and two bottles of Wicked's and I'd have my vest out. That's probably the reality. Okay, but hey, booze. A beautiful picture.

What's going to be your food choice? It's a tough one. Is it? Yeah, I mean, I guess I could keep cheating on this because I'm Muslim, I have restrictions. I could say, oh, pork. OK. That would make it easy, wouldn't it?

But let's say something that I can eat but I don't like. Hmm. So I would say just leafy salads. Oh, leafy salads. Just balls and balls and balls of leafy salads. Oh, leafy salads. Just balls and balls and balls of leafy salads. What is it about leafy salads that you don't like? It's boring,

man. It's so boring. I get it. And I get that I should eat more salad. Doesn't mean I want to. And I feel like if I'm on a desert island, diet restriction is the least of my worries. Mmm.

Okay. Yeah. Um, because, you know, I'm going to have to get my hands dirty. Mmm. And I'm going to have to get physical

on the island to survive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll burn it, whatever I'm eating, I'll burn it off. Yeah. Because I imagine it'll be quite hot as well.

Yeah, yeah. Um, you know. So you can get into the imagine it'd be quite hot as well. Yeah, yeah. So you can get into the meat, you can get into whatever else. Yeah, so that would be, if it was just leafy salads, I'd be so annoyed. Are you a vegetarian? No, I eat halal meat. But I'm trying to work to being a pescatarian.

Oh. I fuck fuck fish, innit? Yeah, fuck fish. That's where I'm at right now yeah okay and it's fun you know it's going good I was pescatarian for 18 months

okay yeah but in my life I don't really have many in my close circle I don't really have many so the discipline is difficult yeah for sure

and you know there's like early on today I went to get a nice food and they're like do you want halloumi on that yeah do you want chicken on it

and it's like oh it's some nice grilled chicken. Do you know what I mean? Do I just get it on there? But, you know. And it's hard when you go to a restaurant and everyone's ordering and I get chicken tikka masala,

I'm getting the lamb curry and I'm like, do you want a chicken tikka masala? No. No. It's hard. No, it's hard. I think I like the idea of going vegan

or vegetarian, but I'm not going to be the leader. I'm not going to be the wolf pack. vegetarian But I'm not going to be the leader I'm not going to be the wolf pack I'm not going to be the leader of the wolf pack I'm going to be the guy at the end going Drag me along with you Yeah, yeah As well, you know

It's a lot more effort, isn't it? Yeah, currently the way society is set up, yeah And you don't want to be that guy If you go vegan You can't eat any cheese or anything Pizza You can't have a pizza, man I love. You can't have a pizza, man. I love pizza.

You can't have a pizza. You can have a pizza, but without cheese. No, I don't. What's going on? It's not right. As well, if you're vegetarian, right, if you go full vegetarian, some cheeses have got meat jams.

Yeah, I don't eat them anyway, because they're not alive generally. Ah, fair play. So I do kind of avoid them. But pizza would be a big loss. Even a vegetarian pizza is still better than not having a pizza. Oh, man. So back to leafy salads.

There's not a lot going on, do you know what I mean? No. It's not going to fill you up. No, I mean, you know, a salad once every 74 meals, fine. Yeah. Fine. You open that cargo hold and there's just bowls and bowls of salad. Oh, here's Naomi Campbell's diet plan.

I'm like, I don't want it. All you need is calories to just get you through and work your way through it. That'd be terrible. Okay, leafy salad, right. Anything else on leafy salad? Yeah, well, I mean, if there was leafy salad, I guess it would help me bond with the herbivorous wildlife.

Yeah, okay. Because they might be like, this is different to what we'd normally, this fresh vegetation that grows here anyway. Yeah. Yeah. And you could feed them and they could become part of it. Yeah, it'd be like someone who's grown up on, like,

really fresh steak and, like, fresh chicken, just going, here's a hamburger from McDonald's. Yeah, enjoy that. Like, no, we get all of that here anyway. Yeah. You could feed them up somewhat and just feed them loads, then kill them and eat them.

True. Load them in. Load them in. Load them in with the salad. Yeah. And then I don't know what I'm going to do to kill them. Just get them down. Kung fu skills, I guess.

Yeah. Okay, Ted. Mourinho's wisecracks. He's cutting, he's cutting wit. He uses jibes to get rid. Okay. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to Lipsonandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Tez, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on this island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? You know what? Least favourite film. I'm not saying it's my least favourite film. I'm going to choose This Might Be Controversial. More controversial than the Marino choice. Okay.

Star Wars Episode 8. Star Wars Episode 8? What was it called? The Last Jedi? The Last Jedi. The most recent one. Terrible movie. Why? I. The most recent one. Oh. Terrible movie.

Why? I had such high hopes for that film. The Last Jedi. Didn't make any sense. Okay, talk to me. Are you a Star Wars fan? Yeah. So, yes, I am.

I am a Star Wars fan. You are a Star Wars fan. I am a Star Wars fan. But just The Last Jedi didn't do it for you? No, I love the seventh one. What was it? The Force Awakens. Yeah, Force Awakens, yeah.

I love the spin-off one. Rogue One. Rogue One, love that. My favourite Star Wars, I think, of all time. Maybe. I don't know if I go that far, but I did like it. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did like it a lot.

This one didn't make... I think everything that was set up in Force Awakens that could have had epic payoffs in The Last Jedi was just not well executed. Okay. The Wraith parents thing. Right, okay was just not well executed. Okay. The Wraith parents thing. Right, okay. Didn't like that.

The Snoke. Snoke? Oh, yeah, yeah, the Snoke. Snoke didn't like that. Because the thing is, the thing about Snoke is, he's clearly a very old character. So he was alive during the whole of the first six films. He was alive during that whole period.

We don't know what he was doing. What was he doing? He's so powerful. Yes. What was he doing that whole time? Yeah, yeah. Who is he? So why has he just not been part of the situation then?

And as well, it really, it did ruin it when the curtain came down and he was just in it too much. There wasn't that mystery. Do you know what I mean? There wasn't that, there wasn't something what I mean? There wasn't that, there wasn't something like, oh, what's this mysterious character like? You know.

Because what was great about the original three films is that the Emperor didn't come in until the last film. Right, okay. He didn't see him until the end. Yes. And by that time, he'd been built up over

four hours of film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like, oh, this is the puppet master. This is the Wizard of Oz. Yeah, that's it. That's the moment. Mm. Mm. Right, yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, this is the puppet master. This is the Wizard of Oz. Yeah, that's it. That's the moment. Mmm.

Mmm. Right, so this guy came in and then just got wiped out. Just got punk's death, man. So I do... Okay, I enjoyed it. I'm quite easy to please with these things, right? I usually am.

Yeah, but I left there and I was just like, what? So Luke Skywalker was just like a hologram. What? That didn't make sense. That annoyed me a bit. And fine, if you want to do new Jedi tricks, fine.

Okay, but then talk to me about Yoda. So Yoda came in and just electrocuted that library which I didn't like because those stupid nun things, that was their job. Yes. They had one job

to look after the island and that library and he's just taking them out of a job. That's it. So I don't know what they're going to do on International Women's Day. More on their library. Oh shit.

And then so why isn't Yoda just going around zapping everyone? Yeah, it's true. All the time. Why doesn't he just come in all the time just zapping things? They've never shown that where a living Jedi holograms themselves.

Into. Like their spirit to another place. They've never shown that before. And fine. Fine. But then why isn't Yori just going around electrocuting everyone? Yeah. The bodies.

It's true. Because he did that. It's true. Took out a library. Yeah. Took out those bodies. I know. Yeah. And. Took out a library. Yeah. Took out those bunnies. I know.

Yeah. And then the whole casino thing. Don't get me started on the casino. Oh, man. Because Finn, bless him, was one of the best characters. Oh, he was so good. Loved it. And then episode eight, they were like, well, we need something for him to do. And then, all right, it's fine.

You're going to this casino. Then just get Lando Calrissian in. I know. I know. He would have been perfect. Lando would be so good then just get Lando Calrissian in I know I know he'd have been perfect Lando would be so good where's Lando I can't wait to see the next film

it might be if the film I mean I will watch it because I'm a sucker for these things I know me too I'm so angry Childish Gambino as Lando looks so cool

right oh the spin off you mean yeah oh yeah the hand solo spin off yeah yeah that's going to be great but where's Lando's character in this?

If he's dead, tell us he's dead. Okay, that's fine. Okay. But where is he? Why wasn't he the scoundrel they're looking for? Tie that up. Yeah. Oh, man.

I feel really like this is a bit of an... I didn't like it. It's like an epiphany. Didn't like it. Shit. I'm going to have to watch it again. Didn't like it. Oh, man.

Okay. And I think Adam Driver's character, I think Kylo Ren is fucking wet. He's unlikable. So fucking wet. There's a Twitter account. He's like a whiny emo cunt. Yeah.

Like, oh, he writes shit poetry in his bedtime. Yeah. Fuck him. There's one. There's a Twitter account and it's called Emo Kylo Ren. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not massively, you know, I don't think that's great, but just from the title of the Twitter account, it's so true.

It nails him. It's so right, yeah. He's like a diet Snape. The fuck are you? I'm Carlo Renn. Sometimes I have a little cry. He's the guy who played Professor Snape at a fancy dress party. Yes, yeah, it's true.

Fuck off, man. Something that threw me really early on, I don't know if you remember, I'm getting nerdy now, but in the first couple scenes, there's a jokey bit in the... Yes. Yes.

And it's... Yeah. Oh, what's his name now? What's his name? Oscar Isaac. Oscar Isaac. Poe. Poe.

Yeah. So Poe is like speaking to... Oh, God, I'm terrible with names. The Nazi guy. Yeah, the Nazi guy. And he's just like... Yeah, I know. to, oh God, I'm terrible with names. The Nazi guy. Yeah, the Nazi guy. And he's just like, oh, oh, oh, on the fader.

I know, because that undermines their villainy. It throws you off. Because you need your villain to be smart and dangerous. Yeah. As soon as you undermine him,

you're like, I'm not scared of this guy for the rest of this film. He's a joke now. Yeah. He's a joke. And it's like, within like,

the first five minutes, I'm sure. And then you're like What is going on in this film Phasma got a punk death Yeah Akbar Yeah

Why wasn't he the guy Who took over from Princess Leia When she's in a coma It's so true It's so true Just punked him out And the moment as well

Where it's been building up to The death of Princess Leia, right? Yeah, she blows up in the ship, right? Isn't that right? No, she lives at the end. Oh shit, she lives. The replacement general kills herself. Yes, so the replacement general...

And that should have been Akbar. Yes, should have been Akbar. One last thing on Star Wars. She's too perfect, Rey. Rey, okay. Why she's so... She right okay why she's so she's Kylo Ren's equal yes

which makes no sense because Kylo Ren is this guy who's been through training and he's got a doctorate in being a Sith

yes and she's just come in and she's got like maybe an NVQ in like beginner's Jedi beginner's Jedi training and she's his equal

it doesn't make any sense yeah I think I think there's so there's so many powerful female characters which we do need but you need to give them

vulnerabilities and flaws otherwise it's too cynical yes because as well yeah for it to be so balanced and him to have gone through

all that training and her to just sort of come in and them to be just weirdly be completely equal in their battles and everything

something's going on, do you know what I mean? You've sort of skipped a few chapters there, I feel. Right? Yeah. Mmm. Man. Yeah, I don't like it. I thought it was fine at the beginning of this. I know. What have you done? No, no, it's not good.

It's not good. Shit. It's not good. Star Wars, The Last Jedi. Yes. Okay. You've won me over that's going in because I get so angry god and I'm booze fuelled as well and I've got Mourinho

telling me about his time at Chelsea I'm so angry right now and you're starving from the salads yeah you're drinking and all you want

is a salty snack and there's just salad and I've got these motorway stewards telling me how to act on this island and I can't go so angry so let's add to the mix what's going to be your telling me how to act on this island and where I can and can't go. Yeah. So angry.

So let's add to the mix. What's going to be your song choice? You know what it is? And I'm cheating slightly as well because I hated the film, so I'm kind of putting the two together. Yeah. The La Miserable film soundtrack. Wow.

Okay. Okay. All right. The whole soundtrack. Yeah. Les Mis. I'll put a little clip in here. I dreamed a dream and time gone by.

Go on, please. Are you a fan of the production? The Les Mis, if it hadn't been for Star Wars Episode 7, sorry, 8, The Last Jedi, Les Mis would have been my choice for worst film. Okay. And then I can't listen to the songs without thinking about the film. Right, okay.

Because in isolation, to be fair, some of those songs are good. Okay. Okay? Okay. So don't at me about the songs. No. I'm not saying they're not good. Don't at me.

But what I'm saying is, well, I mean, Russell Crowe singing anything is not good. No. Let's get that out of the way. Sorry, Russell. Big fan. I mean, I'm so glad you did good let's get that out of the way sorry Russell big fan just I mean I'm so glad the other day

again on film 4 you're wonderful watched LA Confidential yes top guy do the guys he's so good yeah

but singing is and I say that as someone who can't sing as well so it takes one to know one if someone offered me a part in a musical it would be I should say no

I probably wouldn't if they offered me the right money, but I should say no. But I'll tell you what it is. It's the story. I fucking hate it. Okay. Because, right. Okay. So you've got this posh kid who is like aristocrat Parisian.

Yeah. Who decides to join the rebellion. Yeah. Because it's Wednesday, I guess. And he's got, you know, it's fun, it's exciting, it's sexy. Yeah. It's sexy and you know it's fun it's exciting it's sexy it's sexy you can put that on the gram

you know makes him look cool it's like yeah it's cool I really like that then his head gets turned

by this young woman that he's never met or spoken to in his life he just spots her across the street

drops the revolution the rebellion like it's a bad habit and he starts to chase her life. He just spots her across the street, drops the revolution, the rebellion, like it's a bad habit and he starts to chase her. Her uncle, bless his soul, can obviously see her rotter from a mile away, takes her away so that she doesn't get influenced by this

spoiled cunt. He then goes like, oh well I better, I guess I better go back to that rebellion then, because that's probably still there. And then he goes back to the rebellion. And then Epiphany, I don't know what her name is, she sacrifices her life to save this guy.

And then everyone dies except him. And he gets the girl at the end. Fuck him. Fuck that guy. I hate it so much. I came out of that film so angry. The woman next to me was crying. I was like, how are we watching the same film?

Made me so angry. There were bits of that film that I enjoyed but it just left such a sour taste in my mouth. Have you watched it on stage? No. So this is not watched it on stage? No. So this is not about the stage production or the book

because I don't know how faithful the film is to the source material and all that stuff so I can't comment on that. But what I will say is that film left me

angry and I wanted that guy to die. Oh, I hated it. And now I can't enjoy any of those songs. Even Susan Boyle's rendition

I can't enjoy without thinking of the horrificness. Boyle's rendition, I can't enjoy it. You can't lose it. Without thinking of the horrificness. All right, I'm going to play devil's advocate here. How often are you listening to the songs? Not that often. Never? Not that often.

Not that often. But if you were to hear them in passing, then it reminds you. Yeah, it reminds me of the rage that I felt listening, watching that film. It is loose. It is loose, but I'll let you have it, man. I'll let you have it. I think also I didn't enjoy this because that film is at Brixton Ritzy

and the whole thing was sold out. So the only two tickets left was right at the front. Oh, man. So it's like watching it in IMAX. Yeah. You don't know what to do in IMAX. No, no.

It's not that sort of film. No, fair play. All right, Les Mis. You're kind of getting two films but that's how it is and I'm sorry it's fine no me sorry man

it's your island and that's it you're skipping from one screen the film with massive holes in it to the songs that are just going to

ruin your life do you know what I mean that's it Tez and finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals

which animal is it and why I'm not a big fan of animals I'm not I don't wish them and why? You know, I'm not a big fan of animals. Okay. Like, I know which of them are harmless, to make that very clear. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm not here advocating trophy hunting, but I'm just, just not a big fan. No, fair enough. Like dogs and that, I don't... No, I don't like dogs either. Or cats or any... We do a bit of... We've done a bit of dog hating on this podcast. Oh, really? Yeah.

I'm cool about it. It's fine, man. Okay, cool. It's fine because... Because I don't like dogs, man. We've had it a few times. But they're just too needy. No, I know. They're needy.

You know what it is also? It's the stupid voice that people put on with dogs as well. Oh, man. I mean, I've seen homeless people in the street and no one gives a shit, but then one has a dog and then people care. That fucking pisses me off. That's annoying.

It pisses me off so much. Yeah. And also people are like, oh, yeah, a dog is a man's best friend. Is it? Because I've got a best friend and if my best friend took my balls it wouldn't be my best friend.

It's true. They're slaves. Submit it. The accessories to make you feel better about yourself. Yeah. Get on the gram. Yes, exactly. They're lighting up your Instagram stories. They haven't signed a release form no

it's true they're shitting in your garden and getting you to pick it up oh fuck that man mugs absolute mugs game that are we picking dogs or would you rather

land on an island you know what a small yappy dog a small yappy dog you know because if I had like if I had like a northern Inuit or a husky

I'd be like you know what this is a fucking animal I can deal with this but like a like a small yuit or a husky, I'd be like, you know what? This is a fucking animal. I can deal with this. But like a small yappy chihuahua cunt, no. I'm not having that. I'm not having those needy fucking rat bastards. Fuck that.

They're all grown rats, man. I don't want one of them. No, no. Okay. Little yappy dogs. It'd be a nightmare. Imagine landing. It's just a...

I know. Island of chihuahuas. Oh, God. As well, the annoying thing about a chihuahua is... And they're not going for the salad

so I can't entrap them. And you're not going to get a nutritious meal when you start killing them and cooking them. Do you know what I mean? No. It's not good.

No. Oh, man. Okay, small happy dogs and I'm totally with you on that. Okay, thank you. There's been some serious revelations on this podcast though, mainly in the name of The Last Jedi. Tez, it's been a pleasure to have you on. with you on that. Okay, thank you. There's been some serious revelations on this podcast though, mainly in the

name of The Last Jedi. Tez, it's been a pleasure to have you on. Thank you so much. No, thank you so much. Tez, if people want to see more of you, where can they see you? Yes, so I'm heading out on a national tour, starting on the 27th of March. So I've got a five-day run at the Soho Theatre in London and then from the 7th of

April I go nationwide. So all tickets and dates and links are available from our website www.tezilias.com sweet and if people want to get you

on Twitter yeah just my name Tez Elias same on Instagram same on Facebook as well I'm also in a BBC sitcom called Man Like Morbine which is still on iPlayer

which people have universally loved so please do check that out amazing thank you so much thank you so much for having me on that out. Amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me on. That was really, really therapeutic. Thank you very much.

Cheers, mate.