Desert Island Dicks - THIS PARANORMAL LIFE

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Kit and Rory from This Paranormal Life join Dan to share who and what they'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks and this episode features Rory and Kit from This Paranormal Life. And I had a lot of fun talking to them and you know what, I've been in touch with them since and they've told me that they had a lot of fun too. So the feelings were mutual. You know what, they've got a big tour kicking off this week, I should mention. And I tell you what, I'm a bit jealous, if I'm completely honest, because they're going to Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Somerville. I don't know where that is. And then they're going to Belfast, Manchester, Glasgow and London. And, you know, I should just be happy for them.

But if I'm honest, I just wish we were going on a giant tour like that. Bloody hell. If all of you listening could just download this like an extra two or three times and continue doing that for every other episode, just to bump up the numbers and skew them slightly, I would be very grateful. Thank you for that. By the way, we are doing a live show. In case you haven't listened to me telling you about these before, we are doing one on Thursday, the 2nd of November as part of the

Cheerful Earful podcast festival. We're not going to Los Angeles and San Francisco and Chicago because we're humble. So we're going to go to Balham in Southwest London to a pub called the Bedford. And you know what? I'm just being silly, but it is a lovely pub and it's a really good venue. And I would greatly love to see you there. So go and get your tickets, cheerfulearful.co.uk. It's less than a tenner. I mean, bloody hell, what a bargain. And if you want, you can go and see other podcasts

on the night as well. There's Lou Sanders and a gay and a non-gay podcast there as well. So you can check those out if you want, but you will have to buy a separate ticket for those. I think that's it. Let's get on with the podcast now. as well so you can check those out if you want but you will have to buy a separate ticket for those. I think that's it. Let's get on with the podcast now. Here is Rory and Kit from This Paran and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guests and here to share their Desert

Island Dicks with us today are Rory and Kit from This Paranormal Life podcast. How are you doing? Doing great. Thank you so much for having us. We're so excited to be here today. Talking about some of the biggest assholes we can think about. Good. Well, no, thank you for joining us. I mean, you've got a busy schedule lined up, so it's nice to have some time with you. And I mean, mean yeah talking about complete assholes or dicks i mean is that is that something that comes naturally to you guys uh i actually really struggled with this one i uh i listened to a few episodes of the show uh

before and so i know that it kind of varies people pick uh celebrities that they hate pop culture celebrities that they hate so it's a little bit of a challenge to put a list together, but I think we got some solid ones today. Oh, you mean it was too hard because there's too many people you hate, not because you're such a nice person. Oh, I'm just filled with hate. The list is so long, I couldn't narrow it down, yeah. Yeah, it tends to go either like people can't narrow it down

or they go, oh, I don't want to offend anyone, you know, so it can sort of go either way sometimes. Yeah, yeah. And Kit, how do you find the task of picking a load of dicks for the island? Not hard. I mean, you asked how naturally does it come to us to be thinking about giant assholes? And I mean, week to week on the podcast

and cover some pretty horrifying creatures. A giant asshole, thankfully, hasn't come across our paranormal investigator desk just yet um but we will be talking about the very next best thing very very shortly okay well look let's get into it then let's find out who made it onto your list who's the first dick uh on the island with you uh i'm gonna kick things off right off the bat uh with a controversial one that we've actually talked about on the podcast before. So I'm sure this is going to divide your audience right down the middle,

but our first dickhead on the island is Paddington Bear. Okay, right. Paddington Bear. Okay, this is good. I want to preface this by saying I haven't seen a single Paddington movie before the ones that everybody raves about. I don't know what happens to individuals once they watch these movies. It's almost like it's almost paranormal in itself. It's almost like a spell because I know people who have gone in to that movie saying, I hate this little bear. He's a prick. He's a little posh asshole. I hate his coat and his stupid hat and then they come out the other side and they're just talking about friendship and love and and marmalade sandwiches and i it scares me a little bit i know the thing i mean it's a very wholesome sort of thing isn't

it paddington bear yeah and i think that's it i think if we're trapped on a desert island sometimes situations are just bad and it's fine to acknowledge that a situation is bad. And I think Paddington would just be like, oh, it's okay. Let's all be friends and we'll work together. And it's like, you got to shut the fuck up, man. It's bad. We can all acknowledge that it's a bad situation to be in. If you're going to start serving me sandwiches from a hat, I don't want them. Yeah, Aunt Lucy isn't here, Paddington. Aunt Lucy is a very long way away.

Aunt Lucy doesn't care for our problems. Aunt Lucy actually would be a lot more useful than your useless ass, because last time I checked, she lived in a jungle. She has survival skills. All he knows is a leafy suburb of West London. He is absolutely no use on this island yeah he's got neither jungle survival skills or like a streetwise kind of head on him because

he's just living in very affluent part of a capital city yeah you'd you'd hope maybe the best thing he could do is tap into the the bear side of his brain and maybe be able to pull some survival skills from that. But I think that part of him, he's gone now. He just gives off this aura of never having to worry about anything because he probably has a trust fund. Yeah. I think Paddington, he's very cute and seems like a nice young chap, but it's basically like being on the island with mr bean in terms of everything going wrong constantly someone sent me the books would like to read with my kids and i read them and it's like you know it's the same in the film and in the books it's exactly the same the whole thing about patterns of bears any situation just fucks it all up yeah

utter liability yeah he's going to be hopping around the island with like a foot in a bucket and another bucket on his head, knocking over all the drinking water you've collected, putting his foot through a boat. It would be at max three days before I drown him in the ocean. And it's like, this is going to make the island better for everyone if he isn't on it. The whole cutesy thing can only take you so far. And I think it would get very old very fast. Right.

Like Rory searching the island for berries, nuts, turning up absolutely empty handed. There's only so many days before. And I'm sorry that this presumably happens week to week on your show, Dan. But not quite cannibalism, but turning on each other to eat each other. I mean, Paddington is starting to look, you know, he's been raised on, you know, like those Wagyu cows that are raised on beer and classical music. He's been raised on marmalade,

which has got to be, I don't like marmalade, but marmalade fed bear is probably all right. It's going to be some sweet meat. I think one of the problems with Paddington is it's that sort of thing of, you know, he's really annoying in his actions, but he's kind of adorable.

So there'd be lots of like, oh, what has that bloody bear done now? And then you'd pull the bucket off his head and you'd be like, oh, Paddington. And he'd look up at you like a little puppy and you'd kind of go, oh, it's not really your fault. And then like half an hour later, you're like, fucking hell. I just think he'll really just play with the full spectrum of emotions all the time. Yeah. You know, I feel like you guys are maybe a little bit more used to this dynamic.

You know, if you are a parent, you basically have a little Paddington, which is creatingly is constantly creating messes around the house. And you're like, you little whippersnapper. I wish you hadn't knocked daddy's paint all over the wood floor that's not something that i'm used to on a daily basis so maybe you would have a higher patience for that level of kind of tomfoolery well i don't know i mean with paddington he lives in this affluent family's house in west london they've got a housekeeper i mean i think if i had a housekeeper i'd maybe be a bit more patient with my kids when they get into those scratchers. When it's always me who has to clean up, it's slightly less fun.

The weird thing with Paddington now that we have to address is he's sort of become like the gatekeeper of the afterlife as well. You know, with the Queen and stuff. You know, when the Queen died and all his memes like Paddington walking her up to heaven. You're like, what is this? You're like the boatman that carries people across the river sticks now like what the hell is going on an ancient egyptian god you have to pay the kind of toll when you die and then if if you do he'll take you across the afterlife yeah and on the one hand it's sort of like if you died and you saw paddington there you're like

oh this isn't so scary it's like yeah don't worry take my furry paw i'll lead you into the afterlife you're like okay but on the other hand as we said he's like a clumsy goon so you're like like you know just smashes into the pearly gates knocks over saint saint peter's plinth and you know like sets his big book of names on fire and you're like well i'm sorry i can't tell if you need to come in or not anymore because i've lost the register thanks to Paddington here. There's marmalade all over the fucking scroll. I can't even see if your name is on it anymore. Yeah, if he was driving you up to heaven,

he'd be like one of those taxi drivers that is always turning around to talk to you. And you're like, yeah, no, but let's keep going up because you're starting to go down and I think hell is down. So let's keep going towards the clouds, Paddington. And and i mean we don't want to get too in the weeds but i mean you did just bring that up that yeah he was i forgot that he was heavily associated for some godforsaken reason with the passing of queen elizabeth which i think i think that was maybe some of the first eyebrows were being raised with kinddington's intentions as a monarchist. I don't think he had come out mask off as a monarchist before that. Yeah, that was the tipping point for me.

I think when I saw that social little weird video that he did with the queen, it was sickly. When you watch something and I was like, it just makes me feel gross watching it. It's too cute. I don was like it just makes me feel gross watching it it's too cute i don't like it i think it's that thing of just it's one of those things when you see paddington and the queen and everyone's getting behind it and i just think oh guys foreigners are going to watch this and think we're all like this come on right it would have been a much more uh interesting and um representative video if the Queen was having dinner with Cocaine Bear. Another famous bear that I think, you know, I think deserves to have the attention of the royals.

Definitely. Definitely. OK, well, I think it's a really solid first addition to the island. So, yeah, Paddington Bears joining you. Who's next on the island with you? It's a good question. Well, you know, we mentioned we're paranormal investigators. That's what we do on our podcast every week. So we would be remiss to not name check a sort of paranormal entity. That's why our second unfortunate guest on the island is a 19th century ghost called Corny.

He's from Dublin. He was a ghost in a house in Dublin. Not just any ghost, but a poltergeist so that typically actually now that i'm mentioning it we're seeing a through line here absolute paddington vibes a bit naughty bit mischievous uh knocking over objects moving furniture hiding things about the house but corny is uh somewhat notorious as a ghost because he kind of took things to the next level. So this guy was like a roast comedian. He was in the 1800s.

He was roasting the people who lived in the house, performing borderline a stand up routine every day. This was kind of a problem because, you know, for the family living there, he's torturing them. They do the thing that they actually never get around to doing in the horror movies. This is why it's so realistic. They just decided to instantly move out, sell the house. But anytime someone would come to view it, he would launch into type five.

You know, like, how are we doing there tonight, ladies and gentlemen? That's a lovely dog you've got there. Oh, that's your husband. Oh, my mistake, my mistake. He's laying into anyone who sets foot in the house and they weren't able to sell it this is not like that mad this is not that mad for an episode of this paranormal life not that mad for a ghost story the problem is we discovered didn't we rory that um this this wasn't a ghost yeah yeah i think um i think our conclusion at the end of that episode was that essentially this't a ghost. Yeah, yeah. I think our conclusion at the end of that episode was that essentially this was a man hiding inside of a barrel.

Because a lot of the things he would do wouldn't be missions or priorities that you would necessarily associate with ghosts. You know, ghosts, they usually have unfinished business here on earth or something that, uh, was a traumatic experience in the past that mean they have to haunt the living. I think corny would just come out at night and steal bread. He actually did appear to the family, you know, in a physical form. Uh, but unfortunately not as like a wispy white, like ghost of the past, he was allegedly a completely naked man solid man

um he he used to tell the family that they needed to go to bed early because he was quote having some friends around and when they did go to bed they would hear quote lots of ghosts wrecking the place and in the morning the place would be trashed so this guy was uh over years he was appearing as a ghost allegedly but absolutely abusing this family being terrible roasting everyone in sight wow i mean so what we've basically got is a squatter with uh illusions of trying to get on to mock the week or something like that, really. Or like live at the Apollo, you know, but in the past. I think I'd rather have a ghost, like a genuine ghost, than just some chancer like that.

Yeah, I mean, you're absolutely right because, I mean, he's a squatter. So he's already on the fringes of society. We don't know what's going to happen that sends him over the edge and to just murder, grievous bodily harm. I don't know. Yeah, because the sort of person who thinks, I'm going to hide in a barrel in this house and I'm just going to torment anyone who lives there for years every day.

I mean, that's an unhinged person to be dealing with. I love the idea as well. It's like, can you go to bed early? Because I'm going to have some ghost friends around. You're like, yeah, sorry. It's just the last time we did that. You and your mates trashed the place. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know.

But I did tell them they're coming round. So, you know, off you go. And just going, yeah, go on then. All right, ghost, see you later. And just going, oh, God, they're going to trash the place. Yeah, it's a weird dynamic where everyone hates what's happening and he's obviously doing something very illegal but they still have a reputation where he's kind of asking permission for stuff as well he's like is it all right if i have some

friends around they're like no it's it's not even all right that you're here now yeah how did we get to this point it's it's a very sort of know, we see it in like horror movies. Horror movies generally come to us, you know, maybe historically largely from America. And they have this kind of very overtly threatening, bloody kind of vibe to them. Paranormal activity. The ghosts are pretty, pretty aggressive. Um, this does strike me as a uniquely Irish sort of ghost story. It's like, you know, he's like, is he, is it illegal? Is it not sort of on the border? He's a rapscallion that's for sure. But is it, is it arrestable? I don't know. Yeah. I think, uh, the, the worst part about it as well, if you think about the Island setting, uh, this is essentially someone who's not going to do anything. He he's gonna take all of the supplies that we've all gathered and if you ask him to do anything he's gonna pull out

the ghost card you know if you ask him to build a little hut for the night he's like i wish i could man i wish i could but the sticks are gonna go right through these hands i wish i could pick it up and it's like well it's interesting because you ate all the rations pretty quickly and you seem to be able to pick those up just fine. Yeah. Just the idea of living with just a lazy drunk who insists that they're a ghost. When you're like, I'm dying on a desert island. Can you just help me build the shelter, please? I know you're a ghost but just this one skin oh it's so amazing yeah living with that energy on the island of just like just a bare-faced liar who's also quite lazy and annoying and then to yeah there's a layer on the added extra of being a ghost yeah just totally useless

yeah and you're like um maybe he does believe he's a ghost or am i just an idiot for believing that he thinks he's a ghost or like just the mind games forever with that yeah the more time you spend on that island you're definitely going to start questioning more things i mean you're already on with a talking bear in a raincoat so who knows maybe this naked man eating fish raw out of the ocean is a ghost also. I guess, well, you'll be with him for pretty much eternity. So I guess you'll get to find out, but it's a superb second edition to the island. Who's going to round it off? Who's going to be a third person on the island? I think this would be probably the most insufferable person

to be stuck on an island with, and that is Willy Wonka. Interesting. Okay. What's your thoughts on Mr. Wonka? I think he's a criminal. I think he has killed children before in his factory and suffered no repercussions. In a similar vein to Paddington, I think he would just be someone who's trying to help the situation in his own quirky, weird way that would frustrate me incredibly. There's no candy on the island. And if we do get any food, we don't need candy. We need something with nutritional benefits from it. If he's mashing seashells together with salt water and coconut milk to create something called a golf's wobbler

that makes me fly i don't want it i don't want it we need something with protein and carbs mr wonka yeah definitely it's that sort of story where you just think if that was invented today i mean you just couldn't have someone that chronically irresponsible who just goes right you haven't seen me in years but i'm gonna let all one your children in, one adult's allowed in with them, and you've got to sign this very lengthy waiver and some of them will probably die, but it's still a magical kingdom of sweeties. Yeah. I don't know how hungry these kids were or how sugar loving they were, but in today's society, that wouldn't fly. There would need to be lawyers on hand reading that contract. I mean, the fact that he's even hidden stuff very small in the contract is maybe an indication that this is kind of a sneaky guy. Yeah.

Yeah. I never, I mean, not to take it to a dark place, but I've never actually, I've been subjected to Rory's Willy Wonka is a criminal theory before, but I never actually made those parallels between the kind of Michael Jackson's Neverland vibes of the kind of Wonka is a criminal theory before, but I never actually made those parallels between the kind of Michael Jackson's Neverland vibes of the kind of Wonka factory and actually the overtones of Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka, which is that he was this kind of like childlike genius who kind of never matured mentally. And that's why he is the way he is, which again, just makes him even more truly nefarious and useless on the island. I think his character very much alludes to the fact it wasn't just candies he was making in the factory. There was definitely some other kind of, I don't know, legal or illegal highs

going on as part of it. And maybe those are the rooms you didn't get to visit with the Oompa Loompas that had the different color jackets that you never really saw. What do those guys do? Yeah. The ones with holstered pistols kind of guarding doors that looked like they had key code access requirements. I mean, the odds are if you at any point can create a drink that can make you fly, likelihood is that you have a contract with the us government yeah they're getting involved at some point yeah and i just think that a lot of his stuff you know was amazing but also incredibly irresponsible so it's like well yeah this will make you fly and then you'd be 200 feet in the air and you'd be shouting how do i get down like

oh i haven't tried that bit yet you know and you think well yeah great thanks willie it's wildly irresponsible to put the the soda that makes you fly in the one room that has a giant blender in the ceiling like he's basically like jigsaw like he can pretend like this was all an accident but he's kind of like oh no did you drink the the forbidden soda i told you not to uh that's a shame probably shouldn't have done that because there's a big blade out here yeah and just a psychopathic lack of empathy as well so my daughter's like just gone up that big tube like oh well she'll find her way to the furnace eventually and you just think whoopsie that's it right and you don't understand why i'm angry about

that like what yeah i mean what a what a character to have on the island with you yeah also i feel like you know as soon as we're starting to delegate out work we're all oompa loompas in his eyes he's putting those feet up and he's just watching us do all the work yeah he's he's done it before i mean we've talked about that rory is the is the, you know, kind of diving. He kind of glosses over this relationship with the Oompa Loompas in the movie, but it's a relatively dark past. Do you remember the specifics? Well, all we have heard, as far as I know, is Wonka's version of the story. Yeah. heard as far as i know is wonka's version of the story yeah where i think he claims they lived in

some place where they were being hunted by another creature so according to willie wonka he was like i'll save you you can all come work in my factory and and you don't have to be hunted every day by these bigger creatures the more you read into it the more you're like, I think Willy Wonka created the other creature that hunts them so he could get free labor in this chocolate factory. I don't know how willingly that labor has been given over the years. Right? Yeah. And you know that he's not paying the staff well. This is going to be minimum wage at best. Your Christmas bonus is probably a fucking gingerbread man. They're not going to be minimum wage at best your your christmas bonus is probably a fucking gingerbread man it's it's not gonna they're not gonna be well compensated or it might just be that sort of debt bondage thing where it's like what you you want to leave but but wait i brought

you here i saved you i gave you somewhere to live i gave you clothes i gave you a job how much do you think that costs you haven't even worked anything off yet he's a jet he's a jeff bezos of this island yeah time toilet breaks the lot okay well i think this is a really good trio of dicks i mean you have an completely wild irresponsible person you've got like the poltergeist slash drunk guy and just paddington bear being an insufferable pain in the ass the whole time so i think it's already an awkward island okay now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad tubs and tubs and tubs as far as i can see of mayonnaise okay and do you both agree on this

or is this just kits because you're shaking your head yeah that's just kit mayo is my one of my top three condiments i'm slapping that stuff on everything i'm gonna kill you and eat you i'd rather do that and touch the stuff i mean you know i will admit there's not a whole lot of thought this is pure instinct going into this decision uh but uh that is just that is just my my gut reaction you know it's i feel like you know we can we can learn a lot about mayonnaise's shortcomings by all the successes of its kind of antagonist and other half, ketchup. Ketchup, unbelievably rich flavor palette, combination of sweet, savory, umami, a little bit of acidity and so on. Discovered, you know, to the west from southeast asia pairs beautifully

with different cuisines from around the world mayonnaise is blended up eggs egg sauce egg sauce is a phrase that shouldn't exist i do find it weird when you see pictures of eggs on the front of mayonnaise not like i like to sort of distance myself from what it is but you know it doesn't really taste of eggs but when you're like yeah egg sauce in in a squeezy tube you're like yeah this is this is odd and just the idea of like how how that was sort of born you know someone thought hmm i'm gonna make a sauce from eggs like what but you can do so much with an egg already make it into cakes and you can just cook it in many different ways but someone really loved eggs that day didn't they liquid egg and it's kind of got i mean eggs kind of have a built-in runny yolk when cooked correctly that soldiers are delicious in why blend them up into a white sauce i mean i'm i am a big

mayonnaise fan uh like rory so yes you know but i i have to obviously look at the faults in in everything that we pick on this podcast. So, I mean, there are things wrong with it. I mean, I think inherently, as we say, an egg-based sauce is never going to be anyone's choice. You know, if you just look at it like that. You know when it's just left on a plate for a while and someone goes off and you come back to it and it's got that sort of weird sheen to it? Yeah.

That's off-putting. And I mean, that on an island. I think if you were going to have a condiment left out in a desert island setting, even though I prefer mayonnaise to ketchup, it doesn't age well. Yeah, it's one of those condiments that if you left it long enough, I think it could start moving by itself. It starts to become something very strange and different no i will say unless there's you know some kind of 3d chest of this that i hadn't anticipated like could you using these kind of natural caking properties could you craft a vessel out of it of some i don't know but uh i mean one thing i do i do find interesting and disturbing is

are you kind of aware of this like the national differences uh in attitudes towards mayonnaise versus ketchup we kind of have got like well i know in europe anyway it's like cross a border i think the idea honestly is if you go to mcdonald's in different countries they will by default give you different sauces so some countries go ketchup some countries go mayonnaise yeah i think in the netherlands they're big on mayonnaise aren't they with chips and things like that and yeah i mean japanese mayonnaise is incredible it's insane japanese there's a store not far from me in london that sells the big tubs of it and i only had to stop buying it because i had almost doubled

in size within a fortnight yeah do you know what you know what? I heard people going on about it and I thought it was just this hipster thing of like, oh, you've got to try Japanese mayonnaise. And then I tried it and I like mayonnaise, but I can have a normal pot of it in the fridge for ages and I'll just occasionally use it on a sandwich or some chips or whatever. Japanese one comes into my house

and I am just an animal. I'm making coleslaw. I'm putting on everything i can do like i just and i'll say to people try this because it will change your life not in a you'll find it's really good but i mean your cholesterol will change like it will actively change your life you will live for less not the good cholesterol not the ldl or whatever the bad stuff yeah you will live a shorter life with this Japanese mayonnaise in your life. All right, well, I'm starting to think that if the three of us plus mayonnaise were on the island,

I'd be getting tossed overboard, not the mayonnaise. But look, this is mayonnaise from a plane. It's going to be shit kind of vinegary crap mayonnaise, which everything that you like also has an extra bad version i think that's what we're going to get and so rory you're not going to be that happy with the mayonnaise either i think no probably not in this situation i don't know what mayonnaise and coconut tastes like together but it's probably not great well you've got willie wonka to to sort of combine them and see what he can come up with. Oh, what's this chocolate? Oh, it's coconut.

Oh, it's got a mayonnaise center. You animal. It's like they love it in Japan, actually. It's very uncultured of you, Rory. Okay, and what's your drink choice going to be? The worst drink that I can think of is, again, this is probably going to be a controversial one, is sparkling water.

Good. Yeah. I'm 100% on board with this. I cannot stand sparkling water. I don't know why we had to take a drink that is, I guess, the most essential liquid any human can have and require on a daily basis and make it fizzy, make it harder to drink it's a nightmare i really can't stand it yeah where do you stand on this kit i couldn't i mean i can't say i'm surprised uh that rory doesn't have enough kind of class or panache or um style to enjoy it's kind of such a sophisticated beverage i can't say i'm surprised, but I do totally disagree. I think it has medicinal and kind of therapeutic benefits due to its lovely mineral content. It's quite refreshing. It has a kind of savoriness to it, I suppose, which pairs well with food.

And who doesn't like bubbles? Rory, you were born in Georgia. You love bubbles. In my Diet Coke kit, in my Diet Coke. It just is unnecessary. Anytime I'm drinking, if I'm drinking a glass of water, I'm doing it for two reasons. I am dehydrated and I need nourishment. That's actually the only reason. At no point do I think I would love this to be fizzy. I would love this flavorless liquid to be harder to drink and make it a more painful experience. See, I just think it must be one of those things that those of us who don't like it taste something different. Because it has such a strong taste to me that isn't just water with bubbles in yeah like it's so strong and i i don't like even if it's flat it's not just water then yeah you know whereas i think flat coke is still coke you know i don't know like it's just the i guess it must be

the gas or something but i think other people like what do you mean it's just water with bubbles what are you what are you getting so weird about and ton tonic water, fine with that, you know, but that's obviously got stuff added to it. Yeah, I definitely, when I drink water, I taste water. When I drink fizzy water, sparkling water, it's so fucking fizzy. It's like, I feel like I'm like, all I can taste is the bubbles. Like I don't get anything from it. It's just bubbles in my mouth. I feel like I'm drinking a witch's cauldron or something.

I can't even get a full gulp or swallow. It's like bubbling up in my mouth. Well, you know, Rory, I don't pretend to be an expert on the subject, but I do have an interesting kind of angle to this, which might be able to change your mind, depending on what type of island we have crash landed on because i would agree that um you know you go to your tesco's uh you know water aisle and you pick up the tesco's kind of cheapest two liter bottle of water that is sparkling water truly for for oafs and of course in a pinch i will drink it um you know we're all cost conscious but the bubbles are too large. That is because it is artificially carbonated after the fact. So they take regular kind of spring water, which is not carbonated, and then they carbonate it after the fact.

So what we need to get you, and as I say, maybe on this island, we could find one, we need to find a naturally occurring aquifer, which is naturally sparkling, which is much less sparkling. You know the way some beer is really aggressively carbonated and then whereas a Guinness is barely carbonated? I didn't even know this was a thing. I didn't know you could get different levels of carbonated water. Maybe you're right.

Maybe I've just been getting the one with the max bubble levels. I feel like I'm drinking bath water. Yes, it's almost like crunchy. Yeah. It's so aggressive. Yeah yeah i don't know i mean i think it's you know we come back to this a lot on the podcast with something is so similar to something that you love it's almost worse than just something else like another drink that you hate you know because you know you still have that weird taste to you rory and kit you're gonna be like you know what

what's the problem with this you know i think what's great about your food and drink choices is that you disagree with each other as well, thus causing even more animosity and pain on the island. So that's just a lovely flourish there from both of you, I think. Right. Imagine if we twist this, imagine we'd intended to bring these items and Rory turns to me on the day we crashed and goes, good news, brother brother i brought enough

mayonnaise for everyone and i strangle him to death that is kind of the uh the i think the why our dynamic uh works so well is because uh kit's knowledge fills in my ignorance um you know if we crash land on an island kit has his organic matcha latte i've got my um monster energy drink and my mcdonald's one pound cheeseburger you know we both complement each other in different ways yeah yeah it's good it's good to see i mean i feel that willie wonka is going to try and complement your choices by making fizzy mayonnaise at some point but oh jesus christ hopefully your friendship will last that okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, I can tackle the music side and unfortunately even even just this hypothetical premise is to be honest pretty traumatizing that's because i i kind of have my own experience of just this scenario that's why the song in question that is playing on repeat on this multimedia system is a 2001 classic, Drops of Jupiter, brackets, Tell Me by the band Train. Oh man, yes.

This is a good choice. So, I mean, I'll say just, you know, because anytime I talk to people about this song, they tell me they don't know what it is. You do know what it is. I'm sorry in advance, but it's the one with the chorus. Tell me, did you sail across the sun?

Did you make it to the Milky Way? I was on a flight to Japan. It's coming up again. My wife and I were going to Japan. We'd saved up for a long time. We were dead excited for this. We were getting an Air France flight from Heathrow to Tokyo. It's 2019.

We board the flight. We couldn't be more excited. We take our seats. And as we take our seats, Drops of Jupiter, brackets tell me, is playing over the system. I don't even know the name of the song. I'm not that familiar with it. But I instantly recognize it.

And by all accounts, it's a great song. It's of a certain era in kind of those early 2000s. You know, there was still a bit of optimism still left in the world. Indie rock was, you know, reaching its kind of cusp of those next few years. Some great kind of just catchy songwriting, very earnest, emotional lyrics. And I find myself nodding along to it and quite happy this would become the soundtrack to my life-changing trip to Japan.

Little did I know, much like in this situation of being stranded on the desert island, that plane would be grounded at the airport for a few hours. What I also didn't know was that just like in this scenario, the multimedia system was incapable of playing any other song than Drops of Jupiter Brackets Tell Me. I was exposed to a Guantanamo Bay level of psychic damage and torture. Having to listen to this just on blind repeat uh over and over and over each word to this day burned into my psyche so as i say sadly this isn't hypothetical i've lived this and i know what it's like wow that is amazing christ imagine why can't you imagine how technically advanced a jet is but you can't turn off the on hold music. I mean, that's worrying, isn't it?

Christ. So yeah, you've really lived it. When I hear that song, it feels like it's designed to be kind of on hold music. I can't believe it's really a band that wrote it and put it on an album and go out and tour it, you know, because it's so sort of insipid to me and just so inoffensive that it fits that kind of thing perfectly.

I know what you mean. It's very, like, syncable, as musicians would say. Like, you could see it on ads, see it on TV programs. I think I had to look, because as I said, I didn't even know the name of the song. I had to look it up before this recording. And I think they won a Grammy for it. So, you know, good luck to them.

Wow. I mean, I recently found out that there's seven members of that band. And I find it, you know, when you think like... No fucking way. You know, when you think, I get it if it's like a sort of technical thrash metal band and you need like a couple of guitarists, maybe a couple of, you know, an extra percussionist or something. Yeah.

When it's sort of middle of the road, soft rock, I'm like, what are you all doing? Like, are they just your childhood best friend who didn't amount to anything and you had to kind of give them a gig? Like, it's unbelievable to me. Yeah. You know, you know, whenever the singer and lead guitarist, you know, are kind of when all the rest of the band have called at night and those guys are still holding up the the hotel bar at 2 a.m in tokyo you know you know they're being like bro we gotta ditch the dead weight we gotta ditch it did you

see that recent like that american express ad we did bro if if that had just been me and you we'd be rich rich beyond our wildest dreams yeah i just think it's that sort of thing that for me i get that sort of stuff really stuck in my head i don't know what part of my psyche hates me but like i really get those kind of things stuck in my head and it's it's just kind of yeah because like you say it's so sinkable it just it just loops so easily you know and it's sort of and it's got a little sing-alongy kind of loop to it and yeah i think i mean as you say you know what and it's sort of, and it's got a little sing along-y kind of loop to it. And yeah, I think, I mean, as you say, you know what it's like. So imagine being in that situation for a second time in your life.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really want to go there. Oh man. That is absolutely fantastic. What's your film choice going to be? The film choice, I wanted to this one uh pretty current and pretty recent because i think it's very rare that i have a take that uh kind of disagrees with the opinions of the larger public despite hating paddington bear but uh this is also one that kit and i have had we've this is the closest i think we've ever got to fist fighting each other uh discussing the our opinions on this movie before and that is the recent sci-fi mega blockbuster called june okay yes yes yes now um so rory you dislike it kit you like it love it okay yeah yeah we're both on the furthest end of that spectrum possible. This is music to my ears.

Yeah. Yeah. How did you find it, Dan? Have you seen it? I have seen it. And it was, to be honest, I kind of, I'm probably in the middle. I sort of saw it. And I think right at the beginning, it says something like part one. So already I was a bit like, oh, come on.

You didn't tell me this. You were going to do this. And it's a two and a half hour film. So I'm like, don't make it a part. You didn't tell me you were going to do this. And it's a two and a half hour film. So I'm like, don't make it a part one, you know, if you're going to do that. But the thing is, it was one of those evenings I was really desperate to just, I hadn't been out the house in ages. I worked from home and I was like, I've got to get out. None of my friends were around for a drink.

And I thought, oh, I never do this. I'm going to go to the cinema on my own in the evening. And it was such a rare treat to just be like child free in the cinema on my own. It was a really comfy cinema, had a whole sofa to myself. And I kind of think if I see anything in that sort of scenario, I will always give it like two more points out of 10 than I would if I just watched it at home on my telly, you know? Absolutely. Yeah. But I did sort of feel like I didn't really care about anything that happened. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of, I was only disappointed because I think I got to it a little bit late.

So by the time I got to it, the hype was already there. People were like, this, this is a masterpiece. This is cinema. Like it hasn't been in years. This is, you know, a galaxy so massive and abstract, it's going to blow your mind. And I think by the time we got to an hour and a half in and very, very little had kind of taken place, as you said, I didn't really care about anything that had happened. There'd been just as many dream sequences as there had been real life events. All of the dreams about a character that's not even in the movie. She's in the second half. So you don't even really know what's going on there. Yeah.

Even knowing that it was the first half of a two-parter, they don't even really, anytime a movie does that, like splits into the two parts. I'm like, you know what? I think that's fine. And I will allow it but you gotta give us something that feels like an ending even if at the halfway point the ending of june really didn't deliver that for me i think there's like a little scrap fight in a desert where somebody kills a guy paul killed a man paul killed a man so it was a little more than a scrap

paul killed a guy you met so recently i don't think he even learned his name he had two minutes of on-screen action he killed a guy it was the symbolism of paul's entrance into this uncontacted tribe and you know and setting up the entire next movie and i mean you said that nothing happened in the first hour and a half but i seem to remember one planet invaded another planet which is actually quite a lot. That was the one thing that did happen. There were bits that I did enjoy, but I think that combined with the level of prestige it was being given, the way people were talking about it. I think I came out of it just being like I had seen a different movie than everyone else.

Yeah, I often feel quite out of sync with uh public opinion and i i find it it's a really frustrating feeling when you kind of want to come out and rant about something and no one no and you can't find anything on the internet that agrees with you and you're like oh you've got it's like really pent up kind of like disappointment and like yeah it's difficult i mean yeah as I say like I just can't remember much about it I just remember like it looked really good sound was good no idea like if I watch the second one I'd really have to take a refresher because I don't know who anyone is I think I find Timothy Chalamet a little bit annoying just in general and that's me there's no reason for that i can't

really say why i just find him a bit irritating the uh the one thing i do remember about when i went to see dune is i went to see it down uh at south bank here in london and afterwards i mean my friends went out to the kind of markets that they have there uh because it was around christmas time i think so we went to go get a drink a med wine, and we went to one of the stalls and the guy serving the drinks looked so much like Timothy Chalamet that I thought this was some sort of viral junket press activation. That it was like, outside of Dune, we made Timothy Chalamet serve mulled wine and see if anyone would notice that it was him you're about to turn up on the gq hype youtube channel kind of being filmed from afar yeah yeah look at this moron he just saw dune and didn't realize he

was talking to timothy chalamet yeah i do i do think that sort of feels like a timothy chalamet move to sort of just get really into character for his next thing where he's like a mulled wine you know humble mulled wine salesman in a christmas market you know as a sort of temporary job while he's the struggling actor or something well uh i didn't even think about this but uh maybe i do hate uh timothy chalamet as well because now he's playing willie wonka so yeah it's like all my hatred come together oh it's come full circle it's a beautiful thing brilliant okay well i think so far your choices have been superb we've got one more to make because finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why unfortunately biggest dick might actually be

anatomically correct in the description of this terrifying beast uh our choice for this animal has been the skunk ape the skunk ape i don't know what this is so you know like i said earlier you know in our profession we come face to face every week with terrifying beasts, specifically cryptids, which just really means an animal unknown to science or God, but exists in the kind of paranormal research world. You know, think Nessie, think Bigfoot. And we've come across hundreds of such creatures, the skunk ape being one of the most terrifying. This thing is native to Florida and the Everglades. Its name obviously evokes some pretty simple ideas.

You could put them all out of your mind. It's Bigfoot. Like it's basically Bigfoot in every regard. Eight foot tall, bipedal, hairy, walks weird, but it smells like shit. That's the main difference between the two of them yeah one of them smells repulsive i mean i imagine if bigfoot was in the everglades what were the humidity and all that hair it probably would smell pretty bad after a while i mean that's the thing bigfoot himself he probably smells like shit mean, all that fur wandering around in the forest. So if there's another version of him, that's known for how bad it smells. My God, how bad could it be? Yeah. I mean, I don't want to get crass, but Bigfoot isn't wiping. So he definitely smells,

but the skunk is even worse, which yeah, it simply begs belief. I mean, to be honest, you know, being stuck on an island with any kind of paranormal cryptid is pretty terrifying. As you say, if it's overrun, I mean, these things are seen very infrequently. But if it's overrun, I mean, it's a wrap. And I think with something like a skunk ape or a bigfoot, you know, we have no idea if they're peaceful. I mean, I suppose we assume they're peaceful because you don't hear about attacks. You know, they're very rare sightings, but you're always going to be a bit on edge because, you know, basically you're trapped with this very big thing that's probably quite fast and strong. And, you know, you don't know if it's going to run out of food what it eats

there's always going to be that tension of like are we going to get killed by the skunk apes tonight which is not a great sentence yeah no you're exactly right and if we're talking about a creature that smells this bad i mean let's say if the plane crashes in the ocean and you got to swim a mile to get to the island i don't even think that's cleaning them up much i think this is just going to be i mean hopefully it's one of those smells that you kind of get used to after a while like people who have gross dogs and they're unaware that their apartment smells like shit but i kind of think like you know maybe it's just something we've built you know like shit is always meant to smell bad to us as humans you know like rotting food is always has to smell bad to us because

that's how we evolved to know it's it's not good so i kind of think for this island you're never going to get used to it and i mean i don't want to disturb the listeners further but it's really worth pointing out that you know obviously we cover a lot of stuff on our podcast and you know spoiler alert most of it we say isn't real. At the end of the episode, we always like to come down and give our two cents about whether we think something's real or not. Disturbingly, in the case of the skunk ape, we said it was real. Okay. We were, you know, I presented to Rory some pretty irrefutable, A, video evidence of him strutting through the Everglades,

which didn't necessarily win rory over uh we've seen hoaxed video evidence before but then i was able to there was a a terrifying uh story of a skunk ape that kept visiting a woman's back garden i seem to remember and maybe eating apples from her apple tree um and one night she was ready with the Polaroid camera and she snapped some, think of like old Facebook club photos with the flash on, you know, when your mates were like one foot from the camera lens.

It's like that, but of the skunk ape, it's quite terrifying. Oh man, I'm definitely going to have to look it up. But I think it's a great choice for your island as well. Just the idea of these things roaming around and and if they turn out to be mean you know it's almost like a horror film it's like you know you go for a pee and you kind of see something wandering up so you're like paddington did you did you smell it did you fall in the latrine again you're like oh no and then it just goes for you and And that's that, you know? Yeah. You know, Paddington would probably try and befriend this thing.

Cause it's like, Hey, I'm a bear. You're kind of a bear. And this thing would probably rip him in two pieces. With any luck. Yeah. Yeah. But strutting around with his little red hat on, a duffel coat that's never going to fit, but it's trying.

It's also kind of in a Twilight Zone-esque twist. It would be very frustrating because you would finally be in a position where you could take pictures and get firsthand evidence to prove this thing exists, while also not being able to tell anyone because you're stuck on a desert island. So that extra cruel irony would be painful as well. Yeah, yeah. any would be uh would be painful as well yeah yeah well look as i say i think it's a great final choice uh to what is already a lovely island populated with people and things that i think like i say it's great that you don't even agree on all of them as well because it's going to turn you against each other it's just ah it's a work of art so well done guys well done now um you guys are about to go on tour so uh tell everyone

about the places you're going on tour we are we're about to embark on our first world tour we did a uk tour for the first time last year we're doing world tour this time uh that is to say america and the uk um so we're going to be uh heading over for our first show is in la on the 6th of october we're making our way to uh san, Chicago, Somerville, outside Boston, and New York before heading over to the UK, Rory. Yeah, we're starting off in Belfast. Then we've got Manchester, Glasgow, and then finally ending up right back here in London at the Hackney Empire, I believe on the 28th, which is Halloween weekend.

So if you are interested in having a spooky little October, seeing some great live comedy all about the paranormal, definitely come check it out. If you love Dune, I apologize. I'm willing to have a lengthy discussion about it

post-show at the bar. Changed my mind. Okay, brilliant. Well, all the best for the tour. Hope it goes really well and thanks for coming on desert island dicks today mate thank you for having us thank you so much dan really appreciate it