Desert Island Dicks - TIERNAN DOUIEB

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Comedian Tiernan Douieb joins me to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is stand-up comedian and podcaster of the partly political broadcast, Tiernan Duhyeb. Hello. Hi, how are you? Yeah, good, thanks, good. Did I get all of that right? You did.

It's only when I hear other people say it, I realise how much of a tongue twister my own podcast title is and how unfair that is. No, it's fine. And I wonder why every week I have to edit myself six times not being able to say it. So that's brilliant, you did very well. Don't worry about it, it's fine.

I mean, I put podcaster first and then what I was doing throughout that was second guessing myself. Should I have put podcast at the end? And that's what I was just worrying about. You should have put it everywhere. You should have said podcast 16 times in a row. Yeah, yeah. Partly political, broadcast, podcast, podcast, podcast, podcast, podcast. And then we'll add a beat and we'll release it and it'll be massive. Yeah, can't wait. How did you find selecting your people for this? This was hard because, so my life now is either

dealing with my one and a half year old daughter and all the things that come with that and endlessly watching CBeebies, endlessly trying to get her not to eat things, headbutt things. Currently she's got a thing where she can reach into the cutlery drawer and wave chopsticks around like they're weapons. Oh no.

Suddenly happened overnight, this ability. And so my life's either that or watching the news and shouting at it. And what I've realised is that actually people I dislike are very limited now because I don't have a clue about anything else that's going on in the world. Apart from the horrors of politics or

things that are on CBeebies and that's all I've got What a funny, I mean a lot of similarities probably in a way between the people that are running the country and those on CBeebies Yeah I'd argue CBeebies are definitely more intelligent more caring, there's a lot more love in CBeebies

a lot more importance on morality slightly less trippy as well in a really weird way. I'd far rather watch cartoons about a dog that's got a bunch of little animals as his squirrels and takes them on adventures than, you know, Prime Minister's questions. God, I loved Hey Dougie.

Hey Dougie is genuinely one of the best things. I would watch it as an adult. If they put it on like an hour, they just compiled the episode and put it on an hour at night, I would watch that. Oh, my God. My kids have left the room. And then my wife's walked in and she's like, you've watched three episodes on your own. I'm like, no, I didn't.

I didn't. Okay. Let's dive in. Who's going to be your first choice? Well, my first choice. Can I give a spoiler? I know we're asking about first choice, but can I give a spoiler about all three? Okay.

Yeah. Is that allowed? It's cheating. Because the three I've picked, and this is very hard, right? I've picked them all from politics because the only person not from politics that I really hate at the moment

is Greg Wallace. And I really fucking hate Greg Wallace. But I realise Greg Wallace hasn't fucked as many things up as people in politics right now. Hello. So he took her back. So even though the other day

he said something about how Ratatouille can't be a main dish. Fuck you, Greg. You don't fucking, you're a grosser. Fuck you. Yeah. I don't fucking, you're a grocer. Fuck you. Yeah. I hate him.

But for this, I just felt like I've chosen the last three prime ministers, including the current one, the current one and the last two. And that was hard as well because there's other people in politics that I really loathe. I genuinely pay a lot of money to see Michael go fall in a well. But, you know, there's a lot of people I think have fucked stuff up. But I think the last three prime ministers are not only people I hate, but people I'd hate to be stuck on an island with.

Let's do it. So the first one is David Cameron. We'll work in order. Yeah. Right. The first one is absolute deflated balloon face David Cameron, who was prime minister from 2010 to 2016 when he quit after the referendum that he called because he was worried about his infighting in his own party and he didn't

really think it through. And then he quit because it didn't go his way and then walked off humming a tune and then spent the last few years in a shed writing his autobiography that no one wants to read. Yeah. Yeah. few years in a shed uh writing his autobiography that no one wants to read yeah yeah i know it's called for the record because i assume like records it's full of spin oh yeah so i i i fucking hate him i mean i hate everyone that's on this obviously but but he he's so self-serving he even in in recent days he's been talking about his autobiography and he's not he's not apologetic about anything that he did he talks about austerity

one of the worst things he brought in is he wished he'd just done it harder and faster wow which is a really horrific thing to say I've ruined people's lives

but I wish I'd done it in a week and then I'd have had more time to fuck them up more like how what an answer how blind yeah

and he just he was very smug you know it's very I mean his whole attitude this is why I wouldn't want him on an island. I mean, there's lots of things we could talk about that I think he's failed consistently. One of the things I regularly forget about is that he intervened in Libya,

which then caused issues in Mali because guns went from Libya to Mali when they overthrew Gaddafi and then they went into Somalia. He didn't put any plans in place. And then that all led to ISIS and then ISIS fucked up everywhere else. And this man put any plans in place. And then that all led to ISIS. And then ISIS fucked up everywhere else. And this man ends up in a shed. And you go, you did that. This is your fault. Yeah, but in a shed with intermittent holidays,

our apparent, right? He was just going on holiday all the time. He was just going on holiday all the time, probably with his funds that were kept in Panama. He's a man that started his career by saying, we don't reward failure. And then continued to not meet any of the things that they said they'd do over his time. They didn't fix the budget in the time.

They said they didn't increase spending and education. All these things. He just failed and failed and failed. They hired G4S, who didn't even turn up to the Olympics. Yeah. And he hired them again. And he goes, you said you wouldn't reward failure. Yeah.

That's the only thing you've done. Yeah. And I just think that having to spend time on an island with that, a man that constantly would expect other people to do shit, he believed in big society, and big society was him not having to do anything while everyone else did everything else. And that would be a terrible island ethos.

I mean, that's exactly what I would do to people if I was online, because I'm useless, but I wouldn't then want to cope with someone else doing that to me. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that is a tough situation. Immediately, you and David Cameron on Ireland. How do you think he feels going round? Is he

aware that he's, like, so hated? Yeah, I think he is. Again, I've read this week, this is very current, I suppose, even though he was in prime administration. He said this week that if people had known that he was going to leave, if there was a leave result, that he thinks that the leave would have got more votes because people were so excited about him going.

Right, OK. And I think they do. Those people, you know, they hated him for what he did. And a lot of the leave voters do the fact that he just completely destroyed areas by making cuts to all the things they needed. And also, it's not even let's take it to a really base level right look at him look at his stupid sausage face right look at his stupid face that goes various different colors of mauve when he gets even slightly angry yes again on an island if there's a lot of sunshine how will i know if he's sunburned or pissed off it's true impossible it's difficult yeah um and

the fact that he's got all that wealth and privilege but spent the whole time saying, everyone, we've all got to stop our credit cards and we've got to fund it. Mate, you've got money on an island. Hang on a minute. Yeah, yeah. Money in Panama.

You do it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and he fucked a pig. He did fuck a pig. He did fuck a pig. Yeah, I know. Which, you know, I'm a veggie, so I wouldn't want to eat a pig on the island anyway.

But if there was a pig, I'm on an island, I'm going to have to. You're not going to eat it after he's fucked it. No, yeah, for sure. That's fucking weird, isn't it? It's really weird. And I mean, he denies it, but he denied a lot of shit that he then did. Yeah, no smoke without fire, I think.

That's it, and it was the Bullingdon. They probably all fucked pigs. They were up to that stuff. Yeah, for sure. And smashed restaurants, and they burn money or whatever it is. But then you just feel like, I wonder, does that come up in his book? Does he mention that at all? Probably not.

I don't know. I know it was in the news today that he's denied it again. Okay. Because the thing is, then you're like, oh, you protest too much. Yes, it's true. This is the thing. I bet at every dinner party he's going, I didn't fuck that pig. Someone has him in a corner, you know, you're having that,

you're stuck in a corner with him having your drink, and you're like, go on, just tell me quick. I won't tell anyone. Did you do it? Yeah, did you do it? He's like, no. But also, like, again, it's that thing, a really interesting thing of, like,

have you read the John Ronson book about being publicly shamed? No, I haven't read it, no. It's really interesting because it talks about how like the internet mobs and everything that gang up on people, it gets worse when they try and apologise and when they try and,

you know... Redeem themselves. Redeem themselves. And I do sort of think like as much as it was the best story about David Cameron ever because it's fucking hilarious,

also if he just went, yeah, I fucked a pig, like everyone would go, oh shit. Oh shit, he's fucked up. Yeah, if he just went, yeah, I fucked a pig, like, everyone would go, oh, shit. Oh, shit, he's fucked up. Like, that's crazy, yeah. But then you, yeah, and also, but he never, because he could never really own up to everything,

and he always, like, he did the very politician thing of talking, you know, he was a PR man, and talking around the, he wouldn't answer it. And I think that's ended up making it spread worse. He should have just gone, guys, I fucked a pig. I mean, we're going to get gonna get onto him but I'm sick of watching Boris Johnson talk around the question

I just hate I just hate it I'm just watching him on TV it makes me feel sick but we'll get onto him in a minute I imagine I'm full

Jesus Christ I know it shows four hours long isn't it yeah this is all my life it's either like you know

either I'm ranting about this like fucking Boris Johnson and David Cameron or I'm going oh it's either like you know either I'm ranting about this like fucking Boris Johnson David Cameron or I'm going oh it's Go Jetters Jesus

Go Jetters not Go Jetters I know it's the same episode basically the same episode again wow that's all I have the way your life flip-flops

is quite it's bizarre I like the thing it keeps me it's the same way I do I do stand-up for adults and I do stand-up for kids yes I've seen

and I think that keeps me balanced because I tell adults, things are fucked, ah, let's laugh about it instead of crying. And then I tell kids, things are great, isn't everything brilliant? And I think sort of my mental health as a result is in the middle because I can cope with seeing both sides. Really, though, I should tell kids things are fucked as well. But just in different words, yeah. Okay, so David Cameron goes on, and, you know,

he just took all of that shit stuff that he did and wrote a book just in time to get it published for Christmas, you know, so people can start putting it in their stockings. Yeah, which is shit. And also, again, just to reiterate that him on an island would be... He'd delegate all the hard jobs to everyone else. Yeah. He'd keep all the important food probably on a smaller island, jobs to everyone else. Yeah. He'd keep all the important food

probably on a smaller island somewhere off the coast. Yeah. Anytime he fucked up, he'd just wander off. I mean, it's an island. He probably couldn't wander off that far, but... He'd try.

He'd absolutely try. And all the while, he'd try and pretend he was part of the team and that, you know... And it's that sort of, you know... I want someone with a good sense of... You know, if you're going to be trapped somewhere for age, you want someone who can own up to shit, have a good sense of humor. None of those. None of those things. OK.

Awful on an island. Awful in real life. David Cameron is going to be your first choice. And who's going to be your second choice? I imagine there's no surprises here. No, there's no. I mean, again, you know, I'd love to sort of like go off and say fucking Greg Wallace or you know, or or, you know, someone from CBeebies. But no, it's going to be Theresa May because I think she's barely a human.

Yeah. Like, well, you know, over her time as Prime Minister, she just didn't communicate. and the thing that most people remember about her is that she nearly

coughed her lungs up during a conference as letters were falling off behind her it's true yeah but she didn't meet people from Grenfell after a building

spoke now people had died she hid from them that's madness complete madness isn't it mad absolutely no she didn't really

apologise for the wind rush shit you know like all these things where people's lives were affected yeah and yet when

she spoke on TV, like the naughtiest thing she did was run through a field of weed. I know, I know. That's mad. Which is nuts. And, you know, when people asked what her hobbies were,

I think it was the only thing, she went cooking and walking, which are like what a robot would say. Do you know what I mean? It'd be the most basic thing. It's just necessity, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. And I can't work out if she's just completely vacant

or afraid of saying... It's a weird personality to be. Yes. I mean, might be remembered for some of that awful dancing that they played up to. Jesus Christ. That was an awful time. That was horrendous.

It was dark. I saw it just as dark. And people would say to me, have you seen that gif of her just dancing like a madwoman? I'm thinking, no, someone is telling her to keep doing that so that you can connect with her. Stop. Stop looking at that gif.

It's the most horrible way of trying to do public relations. Of like, hey, absolutely no one, no one thinks you're human whatsoever. Why don't you dance the robot? That doesn't work. That doesn't make any sense. Oh, yeah. Really terrible. And also, I think that, you know, in our heads,

like, sometimes there's a weird thing that's been going on for the last few years of this idea of what British values is, right? And, you know, the British values is we're patriotic. British values is we stand for the country. British values is we fight the enemy. And actually, British values are, A, laughing about stupid shit,

being really self-deprecating, apologising loads. That's British values. British people apologise all fucking time. My daughter says sorry to everything, even though she's a year and a half. And I realised, oh shit, it's because we do that. I know, it's sad. I felt really bad. Sorry egg, sorry caterpillar.

Alright, just calm down. And the other thing is I think that we laugh when people are being total dicks. We laugh at them. We point it out. We prefer the underdog. We don't want someone that's trying too hard. And so Theresa May just being shit at dancing doesn't endear anyone. It makes you go

you're like that fucking uncle at the wedding that no one likes. It's true. It's such a weird thing to do. It's such a weird thing to do. It's such a weird thing to cling to. And then for her to walk out at a conference doing some dancing, it was just awful to watch her body move like that. It was horrendous. But fair play in some ways in that that's all that then was reported

rather than the fact that she followed up with a whole tonne of shit she hadn't done, couldn't do, and didn't know how to make anyone like imagine being so shit at dancing that people focus on that rather than that you're like destroying the health service yes like that's quite impressive isn't it you know in a way oh yeah it's making you angry i know it's just like i feel so frustrating you know bring this to your i mean what i'm thinking too is uh is, a very near future in the next 20 minutes when we start talking about food that you don't like. I mean, yeah, anyway. It will be a change of tone.

This is the problem of doing three politics ones, isn't it? I'm not saying to skip to that, sorry. I'm meaning the tone is going to be very different. Also, we probably should. No, no. Yeah, it's... I just, again, she'd be a horrible person to have to spend time on an island with.

Oh, absolutely. That's what I'm thinking about. You know, she charged into a snap election saying she'd win and completely, I mean, she did win, but really badly, a Pyrrhic victory. And, you know, kept pushing a deal that no one liked with Brexit. She made the Brexit situation so much worse than it already was. Absolutely. Just fuck up after fuck up after fuck up with no apologies,

lots of speeches where she didn't say anything. Yeah, yeah. And that is, having to deal with that as a person, if that was the one person you were stuck with, forgetting Cameron there for a minute, if that was the one person you were stuck with, imagine what a horrible existence that would be. Every day having to talk to someone that's got absolutely nothing to say,

but will still say lots of it, while dancing like a twat, and then, you know, not managing to push, like all her ideas, everyone would hate. Yeah. Because if somebody's like, we want to, you know, kill that shark and eat it, and everyone's like, oh, we mustn't kill the shark,

she'd be like, let's half kill the shark, and then not eat it and put it in the sea. It'd be like, no one likes that, the shark just, I didn't even care. Every time and then not eat it and put it in the sea and be like no one likes that every time she makes the suggestion you and David Cameron just stare at the floor and just shake your head

no Teresa again this is the weirdest thing is that one of the things that I keep saying about the current or the Conservative government really is that they manage to keep

being more hateful than the last one even though you think that they aren't so like David Cameron I hate I thought he was one of the worst people on earth

and then Theresa May came and went, oh, he's actually not as bad. And now we've got Boris, it's like, oh, she wasn't as, and that's an impressive thing to do, to consistently be worse. But then where do they go? Like, what point does that end?

Yes, yeah. You're going to have to be some really hateful people. Yeah, it'd have to be worse. Yeah. Michael Gove. Yeah, or like Nickelback. Or, you know. Yeah, yeah. have to be worse. Yeah. Or like Nickelback. Or, you know. How do you get

consistently more shit? It's not even Marmite. It's just awful. It's just Nickelback. So, Theresa May. Theresa May, who then caused arguments between everyone that was left as well. Also, she's diabetic, as am I,

an interdependent diabetic. Okay. So that's not enough supplies for... I probably wouldn't have enough supplies for me. I'm not going to share with her. I was thinking when you said that earlier, what could get you through? Coconut?

No, no. Not enough? Well, I don't know. On my body... So I've got type 1, which is when your body doesn't produce any insulin. It's an autoimmune virus, so my body took out my own body. Hardcore, yeah.

And I got it when I was four. I've had it for fucking ages. And basically, it doesn't produce any insulin, so I need to have insulin. I've got an insulin pump, and it gives me insulin every two minutes. So you could, in theory, there was a guy supposedly during World War II who didn't get enough insulin supplies through because of all the rations and all the issues with shipping.

And he ate a lot of foods with no carbohydrates in. So he ate a lot of cucumbers and a lot of things with no sugar. Because you've always got to worry about carbohydrates. And because it turns into glucose, and then that's what your pancreas and the insulin would digest, sort of break down. And so this guy ate a lot of cucumbers, a lot of vegetables, things that didn't have any carbs in.

But in reality, he probably would only live two or three weeks without insulin at all. Right, okay, yeah. So, yeah, it's not looking good for you and Theresa May on that. No, no, I mean, one of us has got to go first. I mean, that would actually be a good reason to have her on the island in that if she brought insulin supplies, then if we can make sure she goes first, then I'd get to live a bit longer.

I mean, it'd be up to you, I guess. Yeah, and that'd be the first time she'd ever increased someone's life expectancy, which would be quite incredible. So that'd be a nice plus. There's a nice time to segue into your next choice. Now, you know, no surprises on who you're going to choose next. Well, Boris Johnson, yeah. And, you know, and as I said, this is,

I'm very aware that you've had some very inventive answers for people that other people hate. And I have just chosen the last three points. But right now, it genuinely, you know, I feel like I don't, I don't... I've been very lucky lately. I've spoken to, due to another job I'm doing, I've spoken to quite a lot of people who are actually doing interesting things

on social innovation, trying to make things better and looking at tackling climate change. It makes me quite hopeful. But every time you watch the news, everything's fucked, right? Everyone panics because that's how news works and it wants you to feel panicky.

But I do, I think my, you know, I do just look at the incompetency of these people and it makes me really livid. Yeah, stressful, yeah. I mean, it's great for comedy. I've never had more to talk about. My life's really boring, right? It's a normal, boring life.

I'm very happy. I love my wife. I love my little daughter, even though she's manic. And we just totter along trying to pay our rent. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And comedy-wise, I've really run just totter along trying to pay our rent and get off the plane and comedy wise I've really run out like there's nothing you can't walk on a stage and go ah yeah everything's sort of

alright thanks guys bye whereas now I can walk on and go we've got a fucking Wurzel Gummidge if he fucked a bag of piglets for prime minister this is you know things are shit and that and it's my family

were always very political and they took me on like anti-Thatcher march and stuff when I was a kid and then my brothers my younger brothers

always been quite political and I wasn't that political until like the Iraq war march I suddenly went oh shit things are happening I don't think I like this I don't think I like going to war

we shouldn't have to and then but it was really it was people like Josie Long and people like Mark Thomas and that that got me into doing it in comedy and made me, and I think 2010, then David Cameron coming in

made me go, oh shit, this is genuinely stuff. And seeing friends that lost jobs and libraries closing and things that, you know, I need the NHS all the time. So it's sort of built and built and built. And then, yeah, I don't know. There are three of the, as I said, apart from various politicians, I mean, Nadine Doris is absolutely scum're three of the as i said apart from various politicians i mean nadine doris is absolutely scum but you know like apart from various politicians

i think these three have been responsible for you know not tackling climate change yeah yeah yeah just ignoring all of that and boris seems to be just skirting around the issue it's just like he never answered the question i'm watching tv and like a question's posed and he just like goes around the houses so much which makes me just really angry that for so long i was naive as to think he's just some like sort of bumbling fool yeah but he's not and like it was when a friend of mine said you've got the wrong image of boris because he's dangerous like he's really like a dangerous story and and that was when i i opened my eyes and i thought oh my god it's all an act and i i feel annoyed with myself to be i've been so naive and like maybe you know it's a bit sounds

a bit foolish to admit but like to be so naive as just to have seen him. I live in Enfield and I saw him in Enfield Town outside the Nando's and I thought, oh, that's funny. Boris Johnson's here when he was Mayor of London. I don't know. I just feel so annoyed with myself that I was such a fool as to think he was just a bumbling idiot. Well, he was such a shitty

Mayor of London. I mean, I remember seeing him cycle through Islington once and everybody shouted wanker at him. About six people as he went wanker, wanker, wanker and I felt so happy about it. But he was shit, you know, if you look at Mayor of London, Garden Bridge failed, cost millions of pounds. He wanted to build a Boris Island in the Thames which didn't work.

He built a cable car over the only part of London where there's nothing to see on ground level. It cost millions, no one fucking uses it. He commissioned tons and tons of skyscrapers absolutely no social housing loads of private housing the Boris bikes

were Ken Livingstone's idea the Olympics were Ken Livingstone's you know so he took credit for these things that he did that he didn't actually do

and I went to see a live mayoral debate it was an ITV one oh interesting yeah it was really interesting it was him and I'm going to be terrible with names now

it was him and Ken Livingstone and then the Lib Dem guy who was a former police officer. Oh God, I can't remember his name. Did a lot for gay rights and stuff. I'm not sure. He was a good, like, morally good guy, really boring.

And I can't remember who the, I think the woman might have been Jenny Jones, Green Party. Watching that debate, I thought, I just wanted to, yeah, I wanted to see what it was like. I hadn't been to one before. And the whole way through, Boris A just blustered and didn't really answer anything. But then whenever anyone else talked, Boris did like the old clowning trick, like mugging. So he'd pull faces and raise his hands and go, and just make all these noises. And you're like, fucking let him talk, you absolute piece of shit.

Yes, yeah. And then weirdly, I bonded with about 20 people I hadn't met before afterwards or in the interval because we were all going, well, isn't he an absolute cunt? That's all we did was just like talk about how much he... And I sat next to a guy who deals with, becomes friends with now, and he deals with youth coaching and kids that are involved in knife crime. And he was really angry because at the time, Boris had the groups that he works with,

and all the good groups he knew, had pitched in to tackle it. And Boris instead didn't fund them. He funded his mate's organisation that didn't have any experience of it. Oh, my God. So it was really nasty. And he did all that.

You know, at Marylebone, there were the riots, and he pissed off on holiday and didn't come back. Yes. I remember that yeah his track record's terrible and you know as foreign secretary his track record was terrible he said lots of offensive things and yeah and i think people and i think also as a comedian i can't trust someone who thinks they're sort of a clown or a comedian in office because i know how bad myself and other comedians would be. In fact, I say that.

There's other comedians I know would probably be quite good. But anyone that bluffs and does things like that, it's not a good... It doesn't mean you're responsible. Yes, for sure. Absolutely.

I had former Home Secretary Jackie Smith has been on this podcast before. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you should have a listen. It's a great episode. She talks about having worked with Boris and turning it up to a meeting. Well, there's a few instances.

One she mentioned, I'll mention really quick, was that she turned up to a meeting and they did the whole, it was like the AGM, maybe for the Olympics or something. And Boris turned up with five minutes to go at the end and wanted them to restart the entire meeting. Right? so she sat there like i can't believe it and then another time she turned up to a uh to a meeting and boris looked quite smart and she said she mentioned it to him and within the space of her mentioning that and the meeting started he'd gone

away and sort of messed up his whole look messed up his hair and it's so calculated it's like so calculated unbelievable he doesn't have the ability to carry... I mean, that's the other thing, I suppose, I watched from a comedian's point of view, is he's so calculated in the image and also all his kind of patter about, we've got to be optimistic and we're going to do or die. But then he doesn't have the ability to carry it off.

So when he's, like, heckled, like when we're speaking the night after, he got heckled at a hospital and this guy with a sick kid who's a labour activist as everyone says which means apparently you can't heckle him and he heckled him saying you know the NHS is down and Boris just kept saying oh the press aren't here even though he's by cameras and if he'd actually

been good at comedy he'd have heckled him back he'd have dealt with that or he'd have a quick retort he'd be witty about it he'd be personable about it but instead he kind of cowers and the same in all his like you know all he's the first Prime Minister ever to lose his first six motions in the Commons, which is incredible. Wow.

He was the first since, like, 18-something to lose the first three, and then he lost four, five, six. Wow. Which is amazing. That is embarrassing. And I don't know if you saw it, there was a beautiful moment when, and again, that funny thing of people being so bad that you like people that aren't good.

You know, Philip Lee is conservative. He went to the Lib Dems in front of Boris. He crossed the Commons and Boris lost his majority in front of his face. And Philip Lee's awful. Philip Lee said some very homophobic, really awful things. But at that moment, you're like, what a hero. He's such a mic drop in your goddamn face. Yeah, that's it. Done.

But again, if he was good at comedy, you'd your goddamn face. Yeah, that's it. Done. Again, if he was good at comedy, you'd deal with that, you'd address that in the room. And so I feel like he's not even, he's a shit Prime Minister. He's, you know, he said some really awful,

I mean, the letterbox comment about Muslim women is still horrendous. And I think still no one's addressed one of the bigger things around it, which is why did all the letterboxes he uses have eyes behind them? That's creepy. Really weird. Issues there. But, you know,

also he's shit at comedy. He's not good at comedy. He's a village idiot. Yeah, absolutely. It's like Mr. Bean, like, on stage. That's it. Do you know what I mean? But Mr. Bean's hugely talented. Mr. Bean is talented. No, that's wrong. That's wrong, actually. That's a wrong comparison. It's like the glass, that's the wrong actually. That's the wrong comparison. But, um, It's like the glass clown that doesn't prepare.

Yes. Or, you know, or like just dicks about and everyone finds it funny when you're 13. Yeah. And then you get to 15 and go, oh no,

you've just, Oh, hang on a minute. You're an arsehole. You're an idiot. Yeah. No one likes you. Okay. Yeah.

And again, that on an island, what the fuck, you know, what the fuck. He'd probably pretend that he could do all these things

that would help and wouldn't actually be able to manage any of them. Yeah. Would spend his whole time just being insulting about everybody and not actually useful. None of these people have skills that you would want to have on an island. Absolutely not. No.

All very useless. Completely useless. Yeah, yeah. I suppose Boris could be quite a good sandbag if the tide came in. I don't know. Wow. Oh, my God. Is that too brutal?

That sort of thing would get me arrested, isn't it? Maybe. There's no police on the island. It's fine. Oh, good. Phew, we'll be all right. Okay. So the last 3pm's are going to be your choice?

Yeah, is that rubbish? No, it's great. I mean, they would be fucking awful. It is great, yeah. Yeah, I mean, as would Greg Wallace, but I still, I feel like I can't blame him for quite as, Greg Wallace, as much as he's an absolute arsehole that's ruined a lot of television,

he didn't, like, for example, cause the Windrush scandal. So I can't, do you know what I mean? I can't. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't hate him as much. As much, yeah. I think you're completely justified. And also, at least he could, well, actually, I don't know if he could. I don't I can't. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't hate him as much. As much, yeah. I think you're completely justified. And also, at least he could cook.

Well, actually, I don't know if he could. He's just fucking gracious. I don't know. He's just on there, isn't he? He just blabs on about other people's cooking. Oh, fuck, I hate Greg Wallace. Yeah. Right.

Sorry, sorry. He's not on the island. I'll draw a picture of his face in the sand and we can laugh at it. Laugh at it, yeah. Okay. Thank you very much, Tina. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose

from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com okay this is where it gets light right okay or does it i don't know yeah yeah yeah okay now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad uh yeah this is i mean you say it's light this is oh is it not oh my god i'm so sorry it's like it's just the thought of having to eat and drink this shit oh yeah it's awful my drink's not that bad i think i think a lot of people like my drink which is sparkling water i drink for sparkling water yeah i just can't stand it it's like someone farted in

like a water i don't i don't know why you put gas in probably the most needed, enjoyable drinking substance on the planet. Yeah. You know, water's great. Why did you, like water, why would you want to improve it? Like I understand adding a bit of flavour. I'm all for the little strawberry waters and lime waters and all that shit. That's fine.

Okay, yeah. But why would you put bubbles in it that taste of farts? Yeah, it does make it more difficult to drink, I would say. Do you know what I really, I'm going to, yeah, this is fun. I'm going to show my hand here. What I really like to do is if you get a meal deal, right, from like Tesco's or something, you get your sandwich, whatever that is, but I get mango as the snack and a sparkling water

because I like to have it together. I don't know why. That's bad, isn't it? Does it make the sparkling water better? I don't fucking know, but I like it. I don't know why. That's bad, isn't it? Does it make the sparkling water better? I don't fucking know, but I like it. I don't know. That's not,

if you like it, that's fair. I, for me, it makes it less refreshing. Like everything that I just would like from water. Yeah, it does. It makes it more difficult to drink. Why would you want to make water

more difficult to drink? It's such a baffling thing. And I constantly get fucked up when I'm abroad and I forget what the water signs are like of syngasin or whatever it is

and then I pick up and it's like say if it's like hot I just need a water and then you get it and drink it like are you fucking fizzed it

what have you done why would you fizz this it's true you know like people don't fizz I know like I'm all for fizzy drinks there's lots of fizz drinks

I like but you don't fizz a drink that shouldn't be fizzed like you don't it's what soda streams were bad for when people decided to like, I'm all for fizzy drinks. There's lots of fizzy drinks I like. But you don't fizz a drink that shouldn't be fizzed. Like, you don't... It's what soda streams were bad for when people decided to, like, make fizzy milk or fizzy bovril. Oh, God.

Yeah, OK, yeah. It's not... It feels like some dickhead's gone rogue with a soda stream. It's like if Jesus had a soda stream and turned water into fizzy water. Yeah. And everyone went, no, you're not...

Hang on a minute. Son of God, you're a fucking idiot. Which is... Oh, my God, yeah. It's just... And again, no, you're not. Hang on a minute. Son of God, you're a fucking idiot. Which is... Oh, my God, yeah. It's just... And again, like, if that was the only drink you had, you'd deal with it, but, jeez, it wouldn't make you... No.

Also, I don't know if you find this, James, I don't know how old you are. I'm 30. Right, you're 30. Oh, you probably don't have it. I'm late for it, I'm 38. Yeah. Fizzy drinks now make me fart like a hero

and they didn't used to and now one fizzy drink is like that's it a good part yeah it's like all the gas just immediately transfers yeah and um I'm burping if I have a fizzy drink it's just burping burping burping that's when I if I go out for a beer with with with friends I feel like especially if it you know if you go for a beer with someone you don't know that well and maybe it's a work thing and I'm just finding like I'm sipping and then just

like burping all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Which is terrible for chat. Yeah, it is. You see, burping at least, I find less awkward than farting.

I think you can get away with a burp in a, like in, you know, I think it's less so now but there was that whole thing of like in Chinese eating, burping is actually a compliment

and so, you know, whereas farting no one wants you farting especially yeah in that scenario someone you don't know that well

and you're just farting away well that's it yeah going away to the toilet or having to wander outside every now and again just like well you're on an

yeah you're on an island where would you go somewhere you're always heat if it's a small island as well you're on the other side of the island you'd still be heard yeah

you'd probably scare away fish and birds. You wouldn't be of any help. And you're like, come on, I just want to survive. So you're trying to convince those three to help you and you're just farting away all the time. You're not going to get them on side. No, no, no. I mean, to be fair, if it is the three that we described,

then I'm quite happy they can have to deal with my farts. Straight away, you look around and you're like, right, I'm just... Fill me up with that fizzy water because shit's going down. know it just feels like such an unnecessary point it's true yeah i'm with you i did to be honest i i was at somewhere yesterday and uh the only option was sparkling water and i'm you know sound lardy dar but uh i just wanted water yeah know but I just wanted water yeah I just wanted water and I was just like where are the toilets go fill up a bottle just like get a nice water that I can drink loads

of water it's also something that's really you know sort of fancy if you go to like posh places it's like a bottle of fizzy period whatever and you know why is it more posh to have gas in it it's true I think it's the same price now you've basically polluted water and now that's more posh to have gas in it? It's true. I think it's the same price now. Yeah, you've basically polluted water,

and now that's more posh. I don't understand it. It's more classy, yeah. Okay. Drink choice is going to be sparkling water, thank you very much. And what's going to be your food choice? The food choice is definitely the worst food

that I've ever had in my life, which is a durian fruit. Oh, right. Okay, yeah. And these things are horrific. Yeah. So please explain to the listeners. I mean, I think I know the one that you're talking about,

but please tell me about it. A durian fruit. So I had the displeasure of having it in Hong Kong where they eat it quite a lot. But this fruit is like a large spiky fruit that smells like somebody's died and then shat themselves and then you've set fire to it. And it tastes very similar to that, but plus sick.

And I think it's been described as like, was it burning tyres with the aftertaste of gone-off onions or something? Oh my God. It's fucking rancid. So why do they eat it? Well, some people, I think, are like, I think it's like a chemical, you know, thing. Like, for example, on a much lesser level, some people

can't stand broccoli, some people can. It's apparently in your DNA. Some people can absolutely eat durian fruit and say it tastes custardy and it's lovely. Interesting. I ate it and I wished I could cut out my mouth and throw it in the bin because the taste didn't go. I didn't even have a proper thing. I had durian custard

that was in a durian donut. I thought that might kind of Right, yeah. It's a way around trying it without committing to the full thing. That's it. And it didn't... No, it was all I could taste for about two days. And I ate like a whole pack of mints to get rid of it. I was with comedian Howard Reed.

He's fantastic. And he tried one little taste and it was with him for the whole night and he couldn't taste anything else. It overtook all other tastes. And I just don't know why... And you can smell it in the streets in hong kong like when you're not in the street like when you go in market areas and things they've all got durian there and you just get overwhelmed with like holy fuck is there a morgue near here like oh my god it's not heated or something and it's not it's the durian fruit do you know what i think i have actually i'm just trying to recall but i

think i have when i've been to there's a big oriental supermarket somewhere near Brent Cross I went there and I'm sure they had durian fruit in one of the fridges

and I opened it and it was just like oh my god it's awful smelling it's so good because it's banned in loads of places you're not allowed it

on aircraft in Singapore and I think quite a lot of aircrafts weren't allowed it on because it's a hazard not allowed it in a lot of hotels wow because it's so on because it's a hazard. Not allowed in a lot of hotels. Wow.

Because it's so stinky. It's just so awful. Yeah. And my old flatmate and author and comedian, Nat Lertz, when she was away with her family, I can't remember where it was, must have been Thailand, they let one go overripe in the hotel room and it exploded. And that's all they could smell for weeks. Oh, no.

That is good. Yeah, it was really horrible. But I was like, because after I like ate it and it was all I could taste and it was all I could think about and it's so horrible. There's a brilliant video online

actually of a cat smelling one and then going, actually retching. I was like, same, absolutely same. But I was reading about it and they're completely nuts

in that they've got 50 chemical compounds in them, right? Four of which were completely unknown to science before they tested the durian fruit. And none of them relate to any of the smells

or tastes it has, but somehow together they make this horrible... Oh my God. Yeah. Is it like a repellent to stop things eating it? It's meant to be, well, supposedly, they're not entirely sure, right? They don't really know, but they think it's to attract animals to it, animals

that would eat it, animals that obviously got a shit sense of taste. Ah, okay. Right, right, right. And so the animals eat it, I guess, shit it out and spread the seed somehow. I guess so. I guess. That's how it works, isn't it? I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, the weirdest thing is nobody really knows why some people like it and most people hate it. Nobody knows why it smells like that. Nobody knows quite how it smells like that. It's fucked. It's horrible. And it's also like, I'm really into it. I mean, I say I'm into trying new things. I'm a veggie, so I wouldn't,

there's lots of foods I won't try because they've got a face. But smiley potato shapes are an exception. But pretty much anything veggie I'll try, right? And I'm always curious and often I'll try it more than once because I'll just think

well maybe I've cooked it or maybe I haven't eaten it with the right thing nice because you want to widen your range of things that you can enjoy yeah absolutely

it's always exciting I generally things that I get most excited about probably food is right up there food and music are like my two big favourite things

and food I get excited when there's new restaurants open new things but the durian is the one thing that I never I don't even want to be near it I don't I wish it could I wish they could burn all of them they'd have to send them into the sun because if they burnt them

on earth the smell would be so bad would be so weird although it already smells like something burning so I don't know what they'd smell like then burn I love the idea of sending something into the sun when you mention that, just gathering them all up and sending them up in a huge boat.

It's also weird that, like, I'm amazed they haven't been used as a weapon. I think you could properly deter a lot of things by just lining up jury and free. I mean, that would be the only bonus if I'm on the island. If I was there with Johnson, Cameron and May, I'd make a wall of the fucking things.

Take out your enemies by putting them in, it in their drink absolutely yeah yeah well boris would probably try and eat them thinking it was funny and then be horribly sick yes yeah it's uh imagine you land on this island you were like right okay we need something to eat and you find fruit and that's it it's just covered in fruit it's fucking horrible it's also it's got a really it's quite a slimy texture and like, again, I'm not, some people get quite funny

about textures but when the slimy texture tastes like that, it's such a hard taste to describe as well. Yes, yeah. But you sort of smell it, it re-smells,

have you ever smelt like gone off onion soup? Oh my God, okay, yeah. Jeez, yeah. Just like rotting smell. Yes, yes. Oh my God, Yeah. Jeez. Yeah. Just like rotting smell. Oh my God.

Okay. Okay. To conclude. I know you said it was going to get lighter and you're all good. It's a fruit that smells I was wrong.

I should stop. I should jump to conclusions. Mate, you've trapped us on an island where everything's shit. I know. I know. It's not going to get light,

is it? Yeah. I know. I'm sorry. It's not wish you were here, is it? No, it's shit. I know, I know. It's not going to get late, is it? I'm the bastard, yeah. I know, I know. It's not wish you were here, is it? No, it's true, yeah. Oh God, maybe I should start a new podcast. No, I'm joking.

So, durian fruit. To conclude, I think I know the answer to this. Should people try it just to know? If you're in Hong Kong or somewhere similar and you see it and you're like, right, should you just know the flavour? I mean, do you know what? I guess so. As an experience.

Partly so that you can empathise with me and that I can laugh and go, you had a horrible time too. But also because you might be one of the ones that likes it. Like I've met, so give an example. When we were in Hong Kong, we did some adult shows, we did some kids shows to schools. And I asked one of the schools, I asked about 300 pupils, do you eat, you know, who likes during fruit

and about five kids put their hand up and everyone else said it was disgusting. But if you're one of those five kids, it's damn tasty. Okay, yeah. Your breath will stink

and you'll have no friends and I can't imagine what your shits would be like. I mean, basically your whole life would be terribly ruined. Doomed, yeah. But,

but, you know, hey, why not, I always think you should try everything. Yeah, try everything once, okay. But, you know, hey, why not? I always think you should try everything. Yeah, try everything once. Okay. But, you know.

Dew and fruit. Just beware. Based on what we've just spoken about for five minutes, then, you know, approach with caution. Yeah, I think also if you're on an island and you're trapped there and that is the only thing you have to eat, I mean, you're fucked, aren't you? You're going to have to eat them.

You may as well get into it. I'd love some messages from people that have eaten dew and fruit and enjoyed it. Oh, shit. Please. I would love to. If anyone's have eaten durian fruit and enjoyed it. Oh, shit. Please. I would love to. If anyone's listening to this and you've enjoyed it, I'm just interested to see what you taste.

Yeah, let me know. Yeah, definitely. Okay, well, thank you very much, Tia. Now, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song.

I'm sorry, but what are they and why? It's so horrible. I know, I'm sorry. My least favourite film is Drive. Drive, yes. Which lots of people love. Yes. And it was a cult hit,

but I thought it was genuinely the biggest waste of my time. Now, this is genuine Marmite, I think, because I've heard i on first watch i thought i love that film right and then i think i've been taken over but i'd love to hear your reasoning i just think it's so it's style over content right i really like the music for that film i can listen to music without ever knowing soundtracks great film yeah yeah it's a bit like sort of tron legacy and that and the soundtrack's brilliant the film's a piece of shit but but the so i don't know if you know it's like it's based on a tiny yeah, yeah. It's a bit like sort of Tron Legacy in that. And the soundtrack's brilliant. The film's a piece of shit.

But the... So I don't know if you know, it's based on a tiny bit of a book. It's not based on the whole book. They took one little element of the book and made a whole film out of it when they could have had a proper story from the whole book and made that into a film

which would have been interesting. But their whole thing was like, hey, there's this guy and he's good at one thing and he doesn't talk and then he meets a girl and he can't do the one thing and he doesn't talk and then he meets a girl and he can't do the one thing and he loses his shit

and you're like this is a story I'd have written when I was four yes yeah it's not particularly endearing when you break it down like that it's really bad

and I know that people credit because Ryan Gosling doesn't say anything and it's all moody silent acting but for me that says you couldn't write a script and it's not like a

there are wonderful silent films there are wonderful silent acts and i think even like looking like i mean the artist is different because there was you know there were bits of text and stuff but that was a whole side film that was wonderful a very different thing i know it's a very different thing very different style yeah but for me it just felt lazy yeah okay he was a one-dimensional character that just sort of walked along fixing shit and driving fast. I just, I couldn't get into that at all. And I mean, I quite like Ryan Gosling,

a lot of things now, but at the time I watched that, I went, ah, Jesus, this is all you can fucking do. Yeah. So I think I was won over by the soundtrack and I guess casting, but really, actually,

when you think about it, Ryan Gosling gets away with not doing an awful lot yeah he doesn't really do it and also so again it's one of those films that I didn't like so I read a lot about it because sometimes I try and think is this what's wrong with me should I am I looking at this the wrong way was I just in a bad mood when I saw it

but the guy that did it what's his name is it Neffan his surname I think he you know for a start the casting is really weird in that like

often like Oscar Isaac's in it isn't it and he he'd say I don't know how to do this and the director would be like hey you have a think about it

come tomorrow and just do something and it's like well you haven't got an idea you're the director you should know what you're doing with it and like Carey Mulligan's character is meant to be a Latino woman,

but Carey really won't do it. So he went, okay, you do it. So he made it less inclusive. So his whole choice just seems to be, ah, fuck it. Just do that then. Oh, right. Okay, you're a good name. Come on board.

Yeah. Mate, that's not like, I mean, that's not how I'd want to, I love the films where people have really thought about it and where there's a lot of... I'm a wanker for liking certain foreign films that are really overcomplicated. I'm one of those dickheads. I think sometimes, though, it's the opposite of...

I don't like watching comedy to chill out, because that's my job, so I like watching the absolute fucking opposite of comedy. Yeah, right, yes. It's a kind of like, relax. Yeah, yeah. And so there was a a a korean film called burning that came out last year that is amazing and it's really like multi-layered and and you

can't need to watch it twice and i love that whereas drive for me is just the most basic like man drive car fast and then get girl yeah drive car yeah and hey again there's like if if like the rock's doing it and it's all tongue in cheek and it knows, Drive took itself too seriously with what it was. Yeah. And I just felt like this is, you are wanting to be the coolest film on earth. But because of that, it's a farce. And I, if Ryan Gosling the whole way acted like a dick on purpose and there was lots of, you know,

comments about him talking that weren't a kind of, oh, you don't talk much in a cool way. I just wanted more from it than this one-dimensional piece of shit. I'm with you, yeah. And especially the hype around it. I guess you're right. You know, yeah, it needed a little bit more. Night Call isn't going to save it, right?

No. There's a couple that, I mean, to be honest, though, the soundtrack is stellar. The soundtrack is brilliant. No, do you know, like, absolutely, like I mentioned Tron Legacy, which is one of my favourite soundtracks but that film

is a massive piece of shit. But it's a shame when that happens but the Drive soundtrack I would happily listen to all the time. It is a massive piece of shit. Yeah, Tron Legacy.

The best line in it is when he's talking to the computer I was in and I can't remember what her name is and she says I've always wondered

what the sun is like. What is the sun like? And he goes, it's warm. Mate, is that the best you can fucking come up with? This computer generated person is trying to find out what being human is like, what the most powerful source of energy in the universe or in our solar system is like. And you can just, it's warm. And she's just there imagining a radiator.

Yeah, that's it, exactly. It's like a blanket, isn't it? It's like a fart. Like pissing yourself. Oh, God. Yeah, it's useless. But that soundtrack is incredible as well. Okay, so Drive is going to be a film choice.

And you mentioned before that you're a music lover. What is going to be a song choice? This was hard, right? This was hard because there's a lot of songs you know, I like a lot of music and I listen to really varied shit, like this morning, just a mix of

hip-hop and the Scottish indie band was what I was on my playlist this morning and just the things that I like, but songs that I don't like, there's also loads of them there's loads of people that I don't, there's a lot of pop music current pop music that I particularly dislike. But I chose this song simply because I think

it was on the radio quite a lot a few weeks ago because it was the most played song in the 20th century, which is Snow Patrol Chasing Cars. Okay. And I just think, again,

I hate it. It's not so much bad as boring. And that bothers me with music. And I can't remember the lead singer's name of Snow Patrol, but he... can you remember it Gary Lightbody

that's it yeah yeah which sounds like a cartoon character I'm useless for this I don't know why it's in there that was brilliant

I'm really impressed but also like Gary Lightbody does sound like a sort of cartoon character doesn't he yeah yeah

Gary Lightbody and Dave Heavy Shoes yeah yeah ridiculous but he wrote it like he got very drunk and then he wrote it when he sobered up. And you're like, that's not how you write. No.

No, no, no. You should have written it the night before. Yeah. And then we'd have a tune. Yes, it's true. This is like, you don't want the hangover sobered up shit. Yeah. And if, you know, if I just lay here, if I just lay here, what's it?

Mate, get up. Do something with your life. I just find it very dreary and I know it's hugely overplayed but I think it's one of those songs that doesn't have much imagination in the lyrics in terms of a love song. I don't really feel any passion or care from him in it.

Similarly to Drive, I guess then, the content doesn't warrant the success. Yeah, I feel so. Do you know what it is? I just crave like things where people sound like they give a shit. Is it so much to ask? That's all I want. I want films where somebody's going,

I really wanted to make this and I really had this idea I really wanted to do. And rather than like drive, just go, nah, just fucking, yeah, turn up, do a thing, that'll be fine. And I want music where people, like, have got heartbreak or have got love that they just want to tell you. And sometimes, you know, without sounding too sanctimonious, I just think you can really tell. I mean, it's the same with, like, you know, in comedy that, you know, I can really tell when somebody goes on stage. And I'm like, yeah, you do think that, even if it's the most stupid idea ever. You do care about that. That has driven you mad.. And I'm like, yeah, you do think that, even if it's the most stupid idea ever, you do care about that.

That has driven you mad. Yes, you can tell, yeah. And it's the same with why I fucking hate all those prime ministers, because I don't think they gave a shit about anything. The press doesn't care about anything. It's the same as craving a politician that gives a shit,

or at least seems like they give a shit. I mean, this is the thing. Just be happy with people that even lied well so that I believe them. Just at least make me think you care. That's all I want. And just with music, I just want stuff

that people have cared. I really feel like, I know Jason Carter's so popular and he says he wrote Sober, but to me it just really feels like he went, ah, he's a song. Yeah, it's okay. I've got to write a song hadn't I? Yeah, yeah. I'll do it on the bus to my home. Great. I'm a bit drunk right now. Maybe I'll do it on the bus right i'm a bit drunk right now maybe i'll do it tomorrow

yeah yeah um okay chasing cars thank you very much and finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why spiders spiders and this is not fair they're not dick like they get on with what they need to do i just hate them yes absolutely hate them and i wish they didn't move like that and i wish they i wish i'd never found out they've got like some of them have like up to eight eyes like don't do don't be looking at me yes around like that yeah in eight different ways i thought they all had eight eyes i don't know maybe they do i don't know it was eight legs eight eyes yeah that's what i thought yeah i mean i haven't researched no no i'm too scared to look at pictures of them. You've got a spider in your house. Who's taking

care of it? Well, it depends on the size of it because basically I've now built myself up to a level of resistance where I can take care of a certain size of them and then if it's bigger than that, me and my wife pack up and leave the house. We never come back because that's how it works. We can't cope

with it. It's going to have to set fire to everything. Oh my God. My daughter loves them. This is the worst thing. My daughter goes, spider, and like points them out and loves them,

wants to talk about them. And you know, there was a CBeebies, how does this thing work the other day about how spiders do their web. My daughter just thought it was amazing. I was like, don't get into these dicks.

These are the worst. There is no way you're having a tarantula. No, fuck no. I mean, I know they're harmless, but holy shit. They're like a little horrible hand. I think if my wife listens to this, she'll call me out. But I think I sort of show face and I'm like, I'm not bothered by spiders.

I'll get that spider. I'll just grab it with my hands and chuck it out the window sometimes. Or I'll get in a glass with the paper thing where you take it outside. But when they do get to a certain level and they're like scurrying around everywhere, I am sort of thinking, oh. It's horrible. Yeah, it's also like little ones I can handle,

but then when they jump, it shits me. Like, don't, you know, I don't like it. It's like a horror film when there's a sudden moment, oh, Jesus Christ, don't do that. And it's knowing that there are ones like the African burrowing spider that crawl into tiny little holes. Oh, no.

She's like, yeah, exactly. It makes my nose and my ears hurt. Yeah. The sinking, yeah. Did you ever see Arachnophobia? Oh, yeah, yeah. And I watched that as like, what, I must have been like 11 or something.

Oh, my. It just traumatised me forever. I think one of the worst rated films on IMDb is like Eight- Eight Legged Freaks or whatever and that's terrified me as a kid

it's just you know there's that thing isn't it like I'm saying this with absolutely no knowledge whatsoever

there's like a science thing apparently we relate to things that look more like us like little kittens they've got like eyes and a nose

and a mouth and four limbs and spiders look nothing like us so they're terrifying yeah also they just look fucked. Yeah.

They just look... Awful, don't they? I don't know how they cope with it. I tell you what, though, on the other side, you mentioned the web. Sometimes I do feel guilty getting rid of a spider's web

because you look at it and you think, that must have taken a while. Yeah. You know what I mean? That must have taken you shit loads of time to make that and I'm just going to go like this. Yeah, I had to do it on the other day.

The spider managed to weave a web between our bins and the gate in our little front garden bit and I had to open the gate to get out

and break it but part of me is like dickhead don't tie it there yeah you put all this effort in

go to a wooded area away from my house yeah just fuck off have you seen the ones when they've given spiders certain drugs and they've made like mad webs

no based on what they've but I will look at that now. Yeah, it's really cool. That's great. Yeah, and also I like the idea of people just giving spiders drugs and then fuck off. Yeah. Trip out over there.

Yeah, that's great. Like LSD and stuff. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I can't remember exactly what the different types were, but they were all like some of them were even more mad spirals than before. Some of them were more spaced out.

Yeah, if they're stone, then maybe it's like a really shit web. Yeah, it just really slow takes like four days. They do half the web, and then just go and wait in the corner. Eat a load of fly snacks.

Yeah. Yeah. But it was great. But yeah, I just don't want them, I don't want them on the. No, that would be awful,

landing on a spider infested island. I agree. That would genuinely be my worst. I'm, I'm, I'm bad with just, like there's certain countries I still haven't been to because I know that they're full of spiders.

Iceland has no spiders on it. It's one of the only places on the earth with no spiders. Amazing. Because it's all volcanic, so they can't really. They can't live there. So yeah, so if you don't like spiders,

go live in Iceland. Oh, brilliant. Okay. Oh yeah, I'll put that on the list. Yeah. Thank you very much.

Spiders are going to be your animal choice. Thank you very much, Tiernan. This has been great. It's been great, but it put that on the list. Yeah. Thank you very much. Spiders are going to be your animal choice. Thank you very much, Tiernan. This has been great. It's been great, but it's also been the worst place that you could ever be. I know. I do this every week, and I put people in some bad places. You've made a bad island for yourself, but that's what I asked you to do. And I appreciate you coming in.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. We spoke about your podcast at the top, and obviously you speak very eloquently about politics but please tell us about the Partly Political Broadcast. Yeah, so Partly Political Broadcast is weekly because I hate myself

and every week I do jokes about politics. I don't just rant about the Prime Minister's, I do jokes about the politics that have happened the past week. I try and break shit down and explain it for idiots like myself but also I speak to experts. So this week is somebody talking about the cheery have happened the past week, I try and break shit down and explain it for idiots like myself. But also I speak to experts. So this week is somebody talking about the cheery subject of modern slavery.

We've also had a Hong Kong protester on. Next week is going to be all about the legal implications of the current Supreme Court. So try and get into it and go, explain this to me because I don't understand it. Yes, yeah. And, yeah, but then there's jokes either side. So when you stop crying, you can laugh again. That's great.

Okay, that's nice. Yeah. And we were talking slightly before about another podcast that you're working on that should be released soon. Yeah, so it should be coming out, I think, end of October, which is the Future Curious podcast, which is going to be less comedy, but more insight, where Nesta are a brilliant charity that work on social and technological innovation. And it's going to be looking at lots of different areas to do with that, really.

And I have to say, the nice thing about doing that podcast is my podcast is all ranting. Ah, these things are awful. What jokes can I make about it? What awful name can I call Boris this week? And then that podcast, actually quite hopeful stuff about planning for the future, working out how to tackle issues and actually being quite progressive, which is really nice nice making a plan for the future yeah absolutely amazing and uh if people want to find you on social media etc where can they find you uh they've got to spell my name which is the hardest thing in the world and then uh once you do that i'm on i'm at tina d i'm on twitter where i'm on there far too often uh and tina d.co.uk and i mean just type in

my name and Google will reject it the first six times and then after that I'm the only one so it's all my shit I'm just going to spell it out D-O-U-I-E-B yeah that's pretty good

tinandduob yeah I also I mean they could look at your podcast blurb yes it's true yeah it'll just be right there actually if you're listening to it it's there

oh my god I'm a moron well thank you very much Tin and thanks tons for having me.