Desert Island Dicks - TIFF STEVENSON

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

The very wonderful Tiff Stevenson joined Dan to talk about the worst people and things to be stuck with on an island, and later that day Dan's wife went into labour six weeks early. Coincidence? Yes, obviously, the two are in no way linked - what are you, some kind of witch doctor? Get out of here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features comedian, writer, and actor Tiff Stevenson. It's an episode I really enjoy doing. Tiff is really funny, and I think it's got a bit of everything, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It's a podcast I'm going to remember for a particularly long time because we recorded this last Thursday, which was the 29th of January, and that turned

out to be a special day because my wife went into labour six weeks early and what we thought would turn out to be a false alarm resulted in the birth of our new little boy. So that was a gigantic fucking shock to the system, seeing as we thought we had until the beginning of March. Anyway, he's doing well, as is my wife, and fortunately for you people I'd edited this before it all kicked off. So here it is for you to enjoy. I had another recording booked in with a really great guest on that Friday, which I had to cancel seeing as we were about to go into an operating theatre. But we'll get to it at some point and I'm sure it'll be well worth the wait.

Given the last couple of days have been completely insane, I have no idea when I'll be recording next because I have no real sense of time anymore. But I've got a couple recorded a while ago that we'll put out and by then I should have time to get a handle on things. As always if you want to have your say on who and what you think is a dick then get in touch at dickspod.com slash contact or message us on twitter or instagram at dickspod and we could read out your submissions on our sister podcast Compact Dicks. Okay I'm off to bed but please do subscribe if you haven't already and leave us a nice rating. Think of it as a gift

to my newborn son because he's well into that kind of thing. Right here's Desert Island Dicks with Tiff Stevenson. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian, writer and actor Tiff Stevenson. How are you doing? Good, thank you. Thank you for saying them all so precisely

and saying all the things. I'd also like to add into that list of things, best friend. Okay, yeah, very important. Yeah, potential doula. I might do that in the future i don't know i like to keep it open i like to keep options open all around great person a doula isn't that someone who helps someone with childbirth yeah it is i don't know why i said it to be honest i've got no intention it just struck me i mean it's a nice word i kind of think that the word is a lot nicer than the

actual thing i mean what you're doing for someone is very nice, but having been through it, well, not personally, but having been there at the birth of my son, I mean, volunteering for that kind of thing, I think they're a very special kind of person. Yes, actually, my friend Liv is trained as a doula, and she's amazing. And actually, she is all of the things you just listed for me.

Plus, she does musical improv. things you just listed for me plus she's like um she does musical improv like she's more talented than me and then she went and found time to be a doula as well so basically what I'm saying is my friend Olivia is a bitch who's made me feel bad about myself thanks Liv yeah damn it uh well you get people like that in life don't you but um thank you for coming along today. And so how did you find the process of making your choices today? Are you sort of generally positive or do you find it quite easy to vent about people and things you hate? I think if you'd have caught me a year ago, I would have easily, easily found space for it.

But I think since we've been in this lockdown, I was like,'ve got to do something negative now which is interesting because I've sort of been trying to work on I've been trying to have a positive mindset throughout the lockdown purely because I think it's sort of essential for surviving it and that of course doesn't mean that there isn't things that I don't hate or that I feel negatively about it's just I haven't I've been trying not to focus on them so much in the last year so I've really been trying to look at the stuff I am grateful for and be positive about and and sometimes as well in discourse and stuff online I often find that we're more vocal about stuff that we don't like yeah absolutely then we are about stuff that we do like so so what I've actually tried to do is is

of course there's stuff I still hate and I can't wait to get into it and tell you about all of that but I'm trying to balance it so when I talk about stuff that is frustrating or negative I'm trying to sort of balance it in my life and online with kind of going but by the way I love this yeah and I'm really into this thing and so then I think think it's fine. I think it's more interesting. And we can't love everything all the time. There's lots of things that sometimes we don't even understand. When you really hate something, sometimes it's about scraping back a layer of, and it's possible there's something that you truly hate,

you hate because you see yourself in it and it's like a mirror. So that's often, you know know so it can be quite revealing yeah I think you're right it's such a sort of important thing for us to do at the minute I mean I say that as someone who hosts a podcast about hating things I mean I try and uh sort of kid myself that you know it's in is also sort of making people happy so that's the sort of balance but I don't know if like you know if there was a pearly gates you know in the afterlife and I had to sort of justify this to Saint Peter I don't know if he'd be buying it but um I know I think it's a great idea I didn't mean to make you feel bad it's it's only in the last while I've been like normally honestly you could catch me on any day and I'd go

this bell end uh so today I had to sit down and go actually I want to I want to be able to sort of justify the reason that I don't you know like these people I've been sort of similarly I was saying to my wife yesterday I was like you know what I think we've had a really good run since all this pandemic started like you know we haven't been arguing we're in this tiny flat together with a young child another one on the way and I think we've held it together really well but then I realized I think whilst my domestic life is quite calm and blissful my intolerance for anyone outside of that bubble I think I'll be talking about you know friends family members anyone I'm like god what is their problem and and I think so I'm sort of balancing it as very yin yang I

think so um but anyway Tiff let's get into it then. Who's going to be your first choice joining you on the island? I'm going to pop a Kardashian on. Okay, nice one. And I'm going to go Kim Kardashian. It was a toss-up between general influencers and Kim Kardashian, but I think Kim Kardashian is the sort of pinnacle of that kind of influencer sort of culture. And I've talked about her in my stand up over the years.

And I think it's the tone deafness during the pandemic of just going on holiday to an island. Yeah. And taking all of your friends and then posting the pictures. I mean, it's not just that. Here's the thing. The worst person to be on an island with is someone who is that thirsty for attention because you haven't got the gram, right? You haven't got any internet.

So I just imagine waking up in my little shack that I've built myself of a morning, like waking up and then having Kim Kardashian stood in front of me doing, looking, doing that face, you know, that looks like a trout sucking algae off the bottom of the pond um at me in a bikini or naked kind of demanding that i comment on it and uh give her

some attention for it and here's the thing as well listen if you want to be naked i don't have an issue with any of this i talked about it years ago in a show of mine i think it was like 2016 but uh kim kardashian did a naked selfie on international women's day like happy international women's day ladies i've got nothing to wear and if the internet could have made a noise it would have gone oh um and uh it was it was quite remarkable it's like fine if you want to get naked just don't attach it to a cause yeah and i never really see men doing this like you know she's kind of getting naked then going it's for international women's day i'm not

seeing kanye west get his bum hole out for greenpeace maybe it will happen you know um maybe she was just sort of going uh and by the way in case you need reminding this is a woman you know yes maybe that was her intention here it. To all the women that are probably on this hashtag, yes, this is my body that I paid a lot of money for. It looks great. But so, yeah, so someone like that, I think, might be intolerable to be around. Yeah.

Yeah, I imagine, like, as you say, just sort of waking up and she's sort of showing you, like, 15 identical pictures and asking you to pick which one is the best. And, you know, this you know, this is the same photo. No, don't be ridiculous. You know, just a lot of that all the time. And then getting to the point where, you know, there's no phone battery and it's just her sort of scraping images of herself on a rock and dragging you to go and sort of look at them. Yeah. Look at this one. Oh, my oh my god look i look so skinny and yes you're a stick figure um but yeah i think it would be

yeah you know on the the pictures anyway it's going to be facetune so what yeah yeah how how how would you get attention when the way that you normally get attention is not accessible to you? And I would probably have to ask myself that as a comedian. And a lot of it is involved running around my flat screaming, look at me, at my other half. Because I haven't had the attention for performing. But I just I don't think there's much other conversation there. Yeah, because it's such a strange thing, isn't it? Because, I mean, if you're sort of a rapper, I get really bored of hip hop when it just becomes a shopping list isn't it because i mean if you're sort of a rapper i

get really bored of hip-hop when it just becomes a shopping list of just sort of bragging what you have but at least you know you're making it rhyme and you know it's set to music but when you're just bragging about what you have and there's nothing behind that it is that's all there is i mean it's it's just so hard to sort of deal with. And I mean, I'm always quite surprised that, you know, people do still quite idolise the Kardashians and, you know, find them attractive and that sort of thing. It's not just a sort of one of those, you know, like people watch, I don't know,

those kind of programmes about bitchy wives that have nothing to do and kind of argue all the time. Oh, yes. Housewives of... Yeah. Yeah. I've watched the is it beverly hills there's like bel-air beverly hills orange county atlanta yeah so i kind of always thought the kardashians was sort of you know one of those sorts of things that people watched ironically

but i think it's not really is it people just quite enjoy it which i find just baffling really well i think as well there's like you know there's the there's the sort of christian i think there's the spectacle of the family and there are very sort of in other ways i can defend them it's really weird because i remember piers morgan at christmas uh not this christmas i think it was the christmas before or maybe the one before that do you remember the queen did her speech sat in front of a gold piano yeah and everyone was like oh my god we're in the middle of this austerity and queen's like doing a speech in front of a gold piano and the worst bit was she didn't even you know bang out a round of roll out the barrel or any

old iron um like at least do a couple of tunes on it but um but people were sort of talking about that and then other people like what do you expect she's the queen and piers morgan went into a full-on meltdown of like you know she's our monarch of course she's going to be sat in front of a gold piano you know and it was kind of basically this bowing and scraping and then literally a week earlier he he had accused um i think chris jenner of an ostentatious display of wealth for having um an amaze bag or something with loaded written on it or filthy rich i can't remember he was like what disgusting grotesque uh display of wealth um so i'm like how can how why isn't it okay for chris jenner but it's okay for the queen at least chris jenner made her money admittedly by selling her own daughter's sex tapes.

And this is where we get into the problem with the Kardashians. It's always been a scandalous family. That's the kind of beginnings of them. You know, the dad was famous for getting OJ off, not in a masturbatory way. But they were kind of like a scandalous, you know, they were that kind of family so you know and maybe you know there's more i guess kim kardashian is studying law now to follow in her dad's footsteps and wow uh yeah i think so um and uh she was trying to get people

exonerated and stuff like that so people like leave her alone because she's doing good things i'm like all of it is being filmed for a reality series yeah none of it can just happen like no good deed can go un remarked upon or unfilmed or on you know and i think they've got enough money now that if they wanted to they wouldn't need to make it you know kim kardashian wouldn't need to make another piece of tv or another kind of shoot of her in her underwear, her sculpting underwear, you know, which you go, any of that, all of that is horseshit. Like I've had Spanx before. They might as well call them fat redistribution pants.

They're not going to, you just move the role further and further up your body, but the role will still be there. So I feel like they could just like, I'm not saying they have to disappear, but you've got enough money. Stop trying to, you know, make out like, like you know this kind of like be kind rhetoric be kind to kim she she had a really rough year and she went on holiday to an island yeah with 30 of her closest

friends where the staff all had to be masked up yeah you know um so and so i think it's that divide i think during this whole i realize i sound like i'm over just divide. I think during this whole, I realise I sound like I'm over-justifying, but I think during the pandemic, people have got a little bit sick of celebrities. So if you don't have anything else to offer in terms of talent or skill, just living this lavish lifestyle when people are kind of trapped indoors,

it's not going down the best. I think maybe the celebrities sort of did us a big favor right at the beginning with that gal gadot sort of um you know that imagine thing because so that was so early on and everyone just went oh fuck off and i think all the other celebrities went right okay noted i'll uh i'll not be any do anything worthy you know unless it is like something actually good, you know. Yes. Like Madonna doing that, like, oh, we're all equal now,

my fucking huge mansion and my bath of petals and all of this stuff. And I think they happened very early on as a sort of nice signpost to celebrities, like, not now, not now. But things like that do slip through. Like, I remember flicking through the news app on my phone at some point during one of the lockdowns and the Times had an article. It's like where to buy your second property or like where how to start looking. And I was like, read the room, the Times.

Come on. I think it's the celebrities cracked very early. I think people generally are like struggling in terms of mental health like probably you know there's people throughout the year or they're up and down or now we're at a point where it's like nearly a year in and there's going to be people who've had two birthdays in lockdown you know I think that's that's when we're starting to sort of get to a point where people will be really really feeling it or there will have been people in the first proper lockdown that really struggled and you know I've been up and down,

but I think it's how quickly celebrities cracked, not being surrounded by their PR people and the yes men and being told you're excellent. Like you need to be told you're excellent. Like at least once a day by someone you pay. So, so they kind of all, they all went on the internet and some of it was amazing.

Like Jack black on Tik TOK, like doing all of it was amazing, like Jack Black on TikTok, like doing all of these joyous, like zany, wild videos was amazing. And then in other places you've got, well, this, you know, this is horrific. I'm in my mansion and I can't fly to St. Bart's for my holiday. And you're like, yeah, no one cares. Yeah, so I feel it's been a benefit people were talking about it maybe being the death of celebrity but um it might just be the death of pointless celebrities celebrity for celebrity's sake you know like the influencer going on good morning the other day and

kind of saying for my mental health i needed to fly to dubai also it's my job yeah here i am riding on a camel wearing yeah so i um i think i think in some ways that's like a it will sweep the room clean it will be a good thing yeah no i agree i agree i think there's definitely potential for change there so yeah fingers crossed we don't just sort of snap back and an idiot reaction afterwards. But we'll see. But I think that's a very wise choice and not just for who she is, but for all she represents. I think, as you made clear, that's a very, very difficult sort of person to be stuck on the island with. Who's going to join you then? Who's going to be the second person? Number two, I think, Nigel Farage. Yeah.

Because he's like a shit that won't flush. I'm sure people have offered him up before. Has anyone offered him? He has appeared before, but, I mean, there's always so much to say about him. I think we're always happy to have people more than once because they've done the crime. You've got to do the time. Let's not forget. Because of the way, as you know, they've done the crime, you've got to do the time. You know, let's not forget.

Because of the way, as you say, he doesn't just flush away. He'll just pop back up like some kind of shitty whack-a-mole. So I think it's good to remind people that he is still there and he is still a nasty threat. Well, and also with kind of how long Brexit has taken, how badly it's gone, and him being the architect of that, really. You know, him and Boris, but you know nigel i mean when he wanted to he sort of he sort of had the brexit party didn't he that was when he reappeared again and he was on a cliff in dover wearing a flat cap and a waistcoat

and it was like antiques roadshow cunts edition um and uh i find him to be look first of all he's going to be scanning the shoreline every five minutes on the island to make sure people aren't getting in that's the first thing he's going to be doing so i that would be my first annoying thing him out with like binoculars making sure that no one who desperately uh needed to flee the country they were in due to civil war or hunger or persecution would be able to get onto our desert island and have a go at our coconuts so you know that's that would be frustrating um yeah so i think he's kind of like earthworm jim i find him like slippery slimy even when i thought he opens his mouth to speak and it feels like my vagina heals over like i don't think his voice is like oh there was that video of him banging pots and

pans for the nhs outside as well which was you know again if if there was anything to put you off that would do it for a while i reckon um so i think someone like farage yeah i wouldn't want to be trapped i wouldn't want to be trapped with him because i think also one thing with him like i mean as you say he's just a vile man and you know the sound he makes the way he looks everything about him but you know some people sort of go oh yeah but you know part of his appeal is you can sort of imagine him actually switching off and being an okay bloke and you think well that would be worse because even if he did manage to trick you into it you just suddenly go no no i'm having a conversation with oh he said something that made me laugh or something you know i feel like that's absolutely impossible now but you know you just think if

you're going mad on a desert island and just farage is there and or you know or he lives up to everything you expect from him and he is a total cunt. And you've just got to stare at that sort of weird reptilian face of his. Yes, I feel like Farage kind of fits in with Stanley Johnson and a few of those where they kind of go, a character, oh, you'd have a drink with him. And you'd go, yeah, exactly what you're saying. If he doesn't feel that

way someone said that to me once about katie hopkins i think that like oh she doesn't actually think all that and i'm like well then it's worse yeah i described it as being hateful for a biscuit also he's just so cringe when he turned up at the eu with the like you know the all the tub thumping jingoistic flag wavers that's who he brings out you know i've had a lot of them on my twitter recently so i know that's the farage fans of those people who are like the flag onanists who if you say anything to criticize um you know great britain then that means you hate your country yeah you can't you're not allowed to be critical of anything british means you hate it um which is you know yeah such a weird sort of

stance to take like you know i can i love my flat but i can i can see that it's a bit too small and needs a bit of a lick of paint you know i mean like to sort of notice that you need to improve or like you know in in your own self to notice that you need to improve in some aspects isn't to sort of hate yourself necessarily you know and yeah i i think i i particularly resent the way that because it's like you know with the like you say with katie hopkins because he'll sort of turn up start shouting until he's got his way and then just fuck off rages and it's like at least if you stuck around to see something through i'd sort of believe that it wasn't just this horrible selfish racist act you know because it will sort of go that it wasn't just this horrible, selfish, racist act, you know, because it was like, oh, this is really OK.

Bye then. Bye then. Until someone else disagrees with me and I'll and I'll pop back up again. Yeah. Yeah. It's his reimagining himself in another role. So now that Brexit's done, he's reimagined himself into this kind of warrior that stops people from coming on the beaches coming on the beaches sounds wrong uh but you know doing all of his videos during lockdown as well kind of you're like well you're not exempt how are you exempt yeah and there's this sort of two-facedness of

it as well like when i think i think his wife is german isn't she and someone sort of challenged him once like he was in the middle of talking about only you know British people should be doing British jobs and they were like well your wife works for you and you know she's not a British national so you could argue that's you know that would be a British person's job if you really want to get into that whole world of it and he was oh well don't be so ridiculous and it's like well that's that is what you're saying though isn't it like that's yes that's not a british person doing that job i couldn't care either way obviously but it's like you know it's just that kind of yes but she's my wife so she's all right she's not one of those foreign people you know the ones you know it's

just that sort of yeah yes yeah he he he classed himself as an essential worker to do it as well he said this is essential work presumably like speaking to crabs and various other fish to find out what passports they have yeah um yeah it's like a i don't know he's like a what cheshire cat if the cheshire cat took a shit and someone stuck googly eyes on it that's you know like he's so smug and self-satisfied even when um he put he put up a great picture didn't he betting on trump winning the election that was joyous yeah i enjoyed that that was a piece of sweet was it 10 000 pounds oh god he bet on trump um so at least you know but then again that in itself should say to his supporters uh farage is not the man of the people that you think he is

what man of the people just can afford to lose ten thousand pounds yeah I know it's insane isn't it and that's the sort of thing that him and Trump both have it's sort of like talking about being anti-establishment when you're very rich and sort of you know and Farage like worked in the city and no part you know there's no part of you that's this sort of like down-to-earth working man and it's just it's such a such a like good con in a way but also so hard to understand how he perpetuates it so yeah yeah he's going to be a difficult man to be stuck with on an island also he's going to be with you and Kim Kardashian who he's simultaneously going to look down on but also sort of be quite worrying with as well.

You know, I think he'll never stop staring at her, but also sort of think he's better than her as well. So you're going to sort of be in the middle of that. I don't like either of you, but I sort of feel protective of Kim. You know, that's it. Yeah, yeah. You're not as bad as Nigel. And that's, you know, saying something.

But the other thing is as well, I wonder whether he would do jobs on the island or whether he would have the same stance, you know, British jobs for British people. You know, the big, you know, what about when we get on the island, island jobs for people who are from the island? You know, depending on where the island is,

you know, we're going to be immigrants. So maybe you do want on where the island is you know we're we're going to be immigrants so maybe maybe you do want him on the island so that he gets to feel what that immigrant experience is like yeah to get told you're not from here and you're not allowed to have anything from here because you're not from here and you don't deserve it and how dare you i think with him though he just managed to convince himself that it's fine you know he just he just managed to manipulate the truth somehow i think so i i think basically you're going to have to bludgeon him to death with a rock i think that's the way out of this situation i'm afraid but um look you know what you do on your island is your business i'm just i'm just planting seeds here so but who's going to round off the trio of dicks on your island then um i'm gonna go with womb botherers which is a collective

term i use for people who think it's uh okay to interfere with women's reproductive rights and they pop up on twitter quite often uh to say women are wrong uh to want to take the morning after pill um i've i've learned about them sort of from my mentions and i and i think like i have male colleagues who are like oh do they sort of exist and i'm like yes in fact there's a group called precious life who are um you can get an idea they're anti-choice i was going to say pro-life but let's say anti-choice who um i've always been pro-reproductive rights for women like wound botherers arlene foster of the dup would be another example of a wound botherer uh but uh yeah i've always been vocal about how important i think reproductive rights are yeah and uh i wrote an

article i think for the metro and then i the wound botherers appeared en masse uh this group precious life uh came out and said boycott tiff stevenson shows obviously I was devastated that some people who never intended on coming to my show were now actively seeking to not but better than that they wrote a whole article about me where they referred to me as comedian Tiff Stevenson now if you're listening what I did there was I put the quotation marks around tiff stevenson my name which is what they did in the article to which you have to sort of explain you know if you want to insult me you've got to put the quotation marks around the word comedian like not my name that makes it seem like i've made up my name or i'm a cool spy um so called tiff stevenson yes yes so called tiff

stevenson so there'd be wound bothers in fact they're everywhere wound botherers i it was a thing that i witnessed in starbucks a couple of years ago became a huge routine in one of my shows but it was a barista who was refusing to give a pregnant woman her coffee because he was saying it was bad for the baby oh my god that kind of level of interference it's about policing women's bodies it's about getting involved with shit that just doesn't affect you and i don't understand it if you're anti-abortion don't have an abortion but don't try and stop other people from having the option like if you don't like the idea of it then don't do it it's the idea that you want to legislate other people's

choices no absolutely i'm sort of stuck on the idea of you want to legislate other people's choices no absolutely I'm sort of stuck on the idea of this barista because I kind of think if you're sort of pro-life and surely the worst thing to to safeguard your life is to refuse a pregnant woman anything she wants yes well how has your wife had this because I when I put it online after it happened I had so many pregnant women going oh I was told that I I wasn't allowed coffee I wasn't allowed like a sip of champagne one woman said that she went into a deli and they refused her sausage which I thought was quite ironic I thought it was very funny a bit too late for that one but yeah I don't think so I mean

obviously this entire pregnancy has been during lockdown but but the first one, I'm not sure that she did. I think she's found it OK, but I mean, she's pretty capable of handling herself. So I think she'd be very happy to tell anyone to fuck off. But nothing that's been, you know, to sort of, you know, anything to write home about that sort of thing. But, yeah, I just I just think with anything like this, when it comes to sort of people and their bodies and whether it's like i don't know i mean there's sort of similar debates about things like you know legalization of drugs or sort of you know sex work and it just sort of feels like anything that you can make legal you can then regulate and it's all just about people being safe you know and just and sort of having safe access to things if they need it. You know, I just think to sort of ban things

out of some weird kind of moral principle is to sort of say, well, you know, if you care about people's lives, you know, let's think about these women who might be in danger or might be in need of these services and just ensure their safety. Well, being anti it or trying to prevent like it happening with legislation or with law or anything else.

And, you know, in the UK, you know, we have that like and now in Ireland, thankfully, with repeal the AIDS and in Northern Ireland as well, you know, and there are still parts of the world. There's countries like Brazil, I think, where it's not legal. You don't stop it happening. You just stop it from happening safely yeah so and it's it's but what always ends up being uncovered under a lot of this is like in america where a lot of these congressmen and um you know uh politicians and you know sort of republican guys who are heavily pushing for it you find out they've paid for their mistress to have one yeah or you know so it's just um so it's kind of um you know don't do as i do do as i say yeah it's okay for me to have it but not for you so i i just it is genuinely one of those things

where like again a pregnant woman's body doesn't affect you like you know um so why you you feel the need to go in and police that um it's it's sort of crazy like the way people talk about pregnant women sometimes and the way with that is like they're standing drinking you know 10 bottles of whiskey and eating a packet of fags like as if we can't be trusted so i i felt like that was that was amazing to me watching a woman have to justify from a young sort of 30 something barista you know how to handle her own pregnant body and he didn't like he didn't let it go it wasn't the like the firstly he sort of said do you want me to make you a decaf and she she went, oh, no, it's fine. She offered a caramel macchiato. She went, it's fine.

He was like, I don't think you should have caffeine. And she's like, I have one coffee a day. I know what my limits are, what the recommended is. And then he was like, I don't think you should have it because it's bad for the baby. So he kept going with it. Just the idea that he would have done more research than the woman who's having the baby you know like so

I'm serving you coffee but I actually know more about your body and what's going on like you wouldn't have checked because you know it's just you know the future of your unborn child you know you wouldn't have looked into it like I have in Starbucks on my time well yeah Starbucks are doing ob-gyno training like that's their new thing now we bring you in we teach you about coffee but we also make you obstetricians yeah and i think it's just that that sort of mindset as well it's a very sort of closed off blank mindset that will refuse to listen so having any kind of debate about anything on the island with these people is going to be maddening yes yeah so people who um and especially look if you got pregnant on the island you've got

a couple of womb bothers around that's going to be really yeah it's going to be it's going to be an unpleasant experience well i mean probably the most unpleasant thing is that there's a high chance it will be nigel farage i've forgotten actually i'm only on the island with with with kim and nigel so yeah unless kim or myself was pregnant when we washed up on the island with with with kim and nigel so yeah unless kim or myself was pregnant when we washed up on the island yeah fair enough it's possible so yeah so i but and i've not given you know i said a group of people as in womb botherers but you know we could make it the barista from starbucks but also as well what was interesting about this and speaking about it it told me quite a lot about how society views women.

Because people were like, why are you being a bitch trying to get him fired from his job? And I was like, I'm not trying to get him fired. I didn't name him. I just, I think he does need to know it's not okay to do this. No one's saying this man needs to be fired from his job. But he does need a manager to come in and go, when a customer orders something, you're kind of not allowed to go in with your opinion on whether they think you should have it yeah because yeah it's like do you think he does

that with everyone just sort of oh you know that's not really your color it sort of makes you it makes you look a bit flushed you know or like uh i think with that silhouette you know something a bit more floaty would be good for you you know like where does it end you know this kind of feedback unsolicited opinion yeah he thinks is right for that person spell the name wrong on the cup exactly serve that horrible coffee that's in starbucks it's not the best i prefer make me ask for it in a funny language rather than just saying small medium and large yeah come on get on with it yeah yes okay good well that's people. And I think you've done a great job picking some horrendous, horrendous people there. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to Lipsononads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, Tiff, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad um well so worst food is gonna be a cornish pasty um because i have a uh an aversion um and that stems from being in high school with a girl who wasn't

was kind of intermittently a bit bullyish to me okay there were times we were friends and there were times when we were not friends and um i just remember sitting down for lunch one day and she had a cornish pasty and the smell of it i mean maybe it was the smell in the canteen it was a combination of things but she was talking to me and as she like was talking a bit of carrot got stuck on her tooth she She had really big teeth. And it was like slow motion. I was just sort of watching her masticate on this Cornish pasty and staring at this piece of carrot

and I couldn't say anything to tell her to get it off her tooth. And it made me feel physically ill. I can't explain, like I had a reaction to it. And then after that, I just couldn't eat Cornish pasties in theory they should be I like a sausage roll I would like a cheese twist I'm into those things but for some reason that I just can't maybe it's the mince and the pep and the carrot and the yeah it's I've got an a it. Yeah, because on paper they're fairly innocuous. But I think, yeah, in that setting I can definitely see

why you'd form an aversion to them. Also, I mean, you know, if they're washed up on the island, you know, in the wreckage of the plain, you know when Cornish pasties aren't fresh and they're cold? Well, you probably haven't had one recently enough to remember. But, you know, you can get like a real sort of film of like a fatty film around your mouth when they're cold which is horrendous i can imagine nigel fried every time he sort of picks one up saying something like ah the great british cornish pasty like he'll never be able to eat one

without sort of giving it a kind of jingoistic epithet you know yes yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna wrap this bunting around my body and sit here all day and smash cornish pasties into my face watching the shoreline um yes i think you there are those are key those sort of key sort of moments that um i'm sure i think a similar thing my stepson um not long ago um we got him a vr for his playstation this was a couple of years ago and it was on a day that we'd eaten nando's and he previously really loved nando's but i think he'd been on the vr too long and he got motion sickness and he was explosively sick like we called it the nando's exhibition was what we named it and um you know that thing if someone throws up then everyone's

gonna be like you're trying to yeah gather up you know a child's hot vomit is like one of those so i imagine parents get put uh put off of a lot of foods by seeing babies like kind of you know actually not babies because babies are babies and it's quite runny i think when kids grow up a bit there is something just about a hot package of food, like making its way back to greet everyone. So he, he had the Nando's exhibition. And then after that,

he cut, he just won't eat Nando's. Even though we were like, it wasn't the Nando's that made you sick. It was because you'd been on the VR set for too long and you'd got motion sickness. But now he won't because he associates that with being sick. Same way as I associate, it doesn't make sense.

The Cornish pasty with the tooth and this mean girl and feeling sick, sat in the canteen when I was like 14 years old. The two, I cannot, I can't get over it now. And even when you said film there, that made me, that made me heave a little bit like an

oily film yeah yeah no okay yeah i think one of those things where a good one can be very good but yeah just a sort of a bad one is can be a very bad thing indeed so that that makes sense is it got mints in it as well is it like mints and peas and well i think they sort of vary but you know depending on how what good quality they. I think the better ones tend to have more, it's more like a casserole inside a pastry shell. And then if you're going down to the sort of Greg's level, it's just sort of, it's fairly, it's like they've blended it a little bit. Right, right. A casserole in a pie. There's weird things.

Up in Scotland, they have macaroni pie. If you've ever tried that. There's that weird yeah there's that weird kind of i don't know school of eating or like school of food that's you know it's kind of inspired by that kind of man versus food sort of thing where it's like you know calling things oh do you want our dirty burger that's where it's got 18 chicken wings and 17 burgers you know i mean that kind of thing and i've been in those sort of places or like barbecue kind of places now they'll have like a burger that has

macaroni and cheese in it what the fuck are you playing at like what is this like every time you buy one i think an italian dies somewhere you know just but it's just like why why would you put those things just have it on the side are you so desperate to put everything into everything all the time? Well, to be fair, there's a lot of Scottish Italians. So maybe it's the Scotch. A Scotch pie is nice, actually. But there's like a lot of pies in Scotland. So maybe that's where the two have met.

Yeah, I always find that so funny. It's like, imagine just coming from Italy and just moving to Scotland in like the 70s or whatever it must have been such a culture shock even though it's like i mean it's probably like the biggest culture shock for the the least distance you know oh yeah it was a lot earlier than that so my my um my i hate saying fiance i mean we've been together 14 years so we're basically married after year one but um we are engaged now but he's he's Scottish Italian and his nonna came you know way earlier than that and there was lots of sort of around the second world war as well and um I think there were like camps internment camps during the like for Italians in in scotland there's a there's a lot of scottish

italians in glasgow and in edinburgh i'm just going to look this up now um i deserve an absolutely appalling uh knowledge of any history so that's that's my uh excuse for this oh internment of an italian from glasgow there we go strained strained loyalties her Italian grandfather interned on the Isle of Man during World War II so yeah so they emigrated to Scotland in the 20s but then after the war came back you know so yeah

it's it's there's a very like you know there's lots of Scottish Italian actors and performers like peter capaldi daniela nardini um and they came to scotland and there were lots of you know set up lots of fish and chip shops and uh ice cream the di rollo ice cream so there's like various different families it's fascinating because my dad's scottish but we don have, you know, he's just Scottish.

There's no Italian there. They're all Scottish Presbyterian. So I'm always quite, I'm quite excited to hear about the Scottish Italian pockets of Glasgow. But yeah, it's amazing how that kind of prejudice or that distrust has existed for, you know, centuries and centuries like imagine having some having an entire life in scotland um going off to fight and then being stuck in a camp and not allowed back home it's sort of yeah it's mad isn't it yeah um that that said i'm not i'm still not sure i can overlook a macaroni pie though if i'm honest okay yeah that's quite a lot to put on the macaroni pie i don't even know it might not be the scottish italians that have done that um but uh

you know it might be a haggis and spaghetti that could be an interesting i think that could sort of work haggis meatballs like a haggis ragu or something you know yeah yeah stranger things have happened i think i could get get on board with that maybe i wonder if that's been done that someone should try that um haggis meatballs and spaghettis or a haggis sugo would be yeah i think i think that could could work maybe um but anyway so we're gonna put um your cornish pasta is going to be your food of choice what terrible drink are you going to try and wash this down with oh um and i don't know if i'm pronouncing this correctly i think kefir oh yeah it's like the sort of yogurty one

it's fizzy milk yeah when i tried it was fizzy milk and that description alone should be off putting enough and look i like things that are um normally i like you know i would go for a bit of sauerkraut you know i like quite vinegary briny what's the word i'm looking for um fermented kind of thing i like i normally like fermented things and i think that's what kefir is but uh and maybe i just had a bad one but i bought a bottle in a shop going that'll be right up my street um because i like a yogurt drink. I like everything around it. I like sour cream.

I like cheese. I like yogurt. But this was, like, absolutely revolting. I don't know if I've tried it or not. I've tried sort of, like you said, other things around it. Like, you know, lassies and things like that. And, you know, I like... A mango lassie's nice actually you know in the but like even the savory ones i quite like you know you can sort of get the salt lassies and uh you know you can get like writer as well and

yogurt dips and things like that but i think with yogurt there's a weird thing where like the the consistency becomes quite important like if you if it's sort of smooth enough to drink i'm a bit it can just be a little bit like this doesn't belong in this camp this this shouldn't be over here you know there's even some of the probiotics that are on the cusp as well like there's sort of yakult and stuff yes a bit fizzy yakult is the one that yakult does not taste nice like the danone ones or the actamels because they'll do a flavour and they'll put a strawberry in, so it feels a bit more like a yogurty drink,

whereas the Pure, we've got some in the fridge, and I had one the other day and I was like, yeah, that's nasty. And for me, it's unusual for me to not like a drink, because you're looking at someone who has forced themselves to like almost every alcoholic beverage that is available, except for maybe a grappa. But I will try, you know, over the years years things that i didn't think i would like like angostura bitters i now will drink a manhattan um i tend to sweeten it up a bit so there's flavors that once mixed in with something else i thought i would never like um that i can actually really sort of get to enjoy like vermouths and martinis it took me

i think getting to 40 before i appreciated uh a martini i think that's a drink for your 40 so in the last couple of years i've really uh i've really started appreciating a martini but it tastes so boozy it's just pure booze um but uh i yeah i've almost forced even even drinks that are good for me like you know and that's why i think i tried the kefir but i like like uh coconut water i don't massively enjoy it but i'll tolerate it does taste a bit like cereal milk yeah there's there's always a point with things that are sort of the new thing that you need to eat a lot of that are superfoods and things that you need and i generally find with them that i'd rather eat much more of something that had less of the good thing in you know so it's like oh goji berries they're they've got much more of whatever they have in than other fruit and you think they don't they don't taste as

nice as the other fruit so can't I just have double nice fruit and not pay six quid for a tiny sachet of these crap raisins you know and yes and there's a few things like that it's like oh it's really good for your digestive system you're like so is this other nice thing that I can happily eat twice as much of you know yeah well I'm sure we could all just eat like a slush like what is it in the matrix they have that kind of like slush that has all the nutrients you need and you're like yeah but no one's enjoying this it's gruel that sort of exists now doesn't it there's that stuff called huel which i know it's meant to sound like fuel but it does sound too much like gruel and it's like for people who kind of i live a busy lifestyle i've got this many followers on LinkedIn I'm far too busy to eat

food I've got food in a bottle and you're like look I know you think you're like George Jetson in the future with your bottle food but to me like you're more like a baby you know yes food is to be enjoyed and uh part of it the senses and the cooking and everything else I've seen Anderson Cooper who just drinks Huel I think there's a drink or something that he drinks yeah diet oh soylent soylent that's it yeah that's the other one isn't it yeah it's just it's just like food is nice just you know especially if you're someone who's like anderson cooper you've probably got a few quid get a chef you know you nice lunch boxes. They'll deliver it.

It's all right. Come on, mate. It's sort of like drinking a version of porridge is what I've heard Soylent's like. But I mean, mentioning Huel, the other half has a Huel t-shirt because at the beginning of lockdown, I think he went a bit mad

thinking that we might not be able to get food. So he ordered like industrial size tubs of huel and it turned up and then we tried it like in a couple of like sort of smoothies and stuff that we were doing a bit of intermittent fasting and it is disgusting so you've got to like mix flavors in with it because it just doesn't taste of it it doesn't taste of anything so we ended up putting like peanut butter or you know or some like chocolate or something in with flavoring to try and get something out of it but it was just bags of powder and they made when they arrived i felt depressed i was like surely this is not

where we are and he was like no just in case and it's good to have it there and if we decide to diet and i was like yeah i'm gonna go and eat a snickers bar yeah that's how bad this has made me feel the idea of it i think that all makes an awful lot of sense i'm absolutely on board with you that's it i think that makes a lot of sense okay now tiff fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay, there are a lot of bad films out there,

like a lot of them, but only one of them has really sort of made me feel betrayed. Okay. And that is Sex and the City 2. Right, okay. me feel betrayed okay uh and that is sex in the city too right okay that is as someone who loves the tv show and you know looking back on it now it has its flaws but at the time when it was kind of hbo and it was pretty much the sopranos and sex in the city um you know it was this iconic show and that sex in the city 2 movie the first one is okay and was exciting because i was like oh i really want to you know i haven't seen it for ages

the second one was kind of like walking in on your best friend having sex with your husband like the sense of betrayal that how anyone could produce something so bad vacuous with including the line lawrence of my labia being shouted by kim cattrall as a man appeared on a camel like like and you were like did you write this whole film to get to that pun because that is unacceptable like and samantha would always have some kind of like, oh my God, you could use a little backdoor, smutty puns. Don't be so judgmental. You know, that was kind of what you loved about her.

There was a kitsch punniness, but this kind of pushed it beyond. It was basically a fashion show in the desert. And then the way they treated, and it wasn't meant to be a comment, but also the way they treated like local people was like oh it was just awful it opens with a wedding where Liza Minnelli is singing and for some reason the two characters they did that thing where the two gay characters just enter into a relationship with each other right as if there's no other gay people in the world and they hated each other throughout the entire tv series miranda has just become this

downtrodden sort of character and then after carrie going on this whole journey with big and finally marrying him even after he stands her up at the aisle in the first film she's now back just trying to get on aiden's dick in the desert there's there's so much wrong with it I don't know if you've seen it and in fact in Australia there's um two guys who have a podcast called the worst idea of all time where they watch a movie over and over I don't know if it's every day or once a week but sex in the city 2 was one of the ones they did and um good god yeah I haven't seen it but i've heard a lot of rage about it um and then and i think because there's another one they've just announced

isn't there well there's a new series i think they're coming back it's a series on hbo max and i i like the characters in the series i think the series you know i'm excited about the idea um uh as as a tv series coming back and seeing what's happening as you know they're saying women in their 50s so i'm like yeah cool i'm you know i'm into that i'm uh i'm i've got you know it just felt like it was like a like a tourist board there's a bit where they i am woman hear me roar as well in the um in the movie which is also awful at karaoke bar none of the plot lines make any sense yeah i think lots of fans of the show were like this is this feel is this a money grab what is this why did you all sign on to do it it's's terrible. Yeah. I mean, that Lawrence of my labia line,

that's like not to, I mean, I really don't want to sound like I don't watch Sex and the City. I like James Bond because I'm a man. But I remember in one of the James, but in one of the Pierce Brosnan and James Bond films, there's, I think it's Denise, is it Denise Richardson or Richards? And she's the Bond girl and she's called,

I think she's called like Dr. Christmas or something. And it's just so at the end he can go, I thought Christmas only came once a year. You know, at the beginning you're like, why is she called Christmas? Ah, there you go. God, that was not worth it. Yes, what a long journey to go to. For that joke. I'm James Bond and I satisfy women sexually. So, yeah, it sounds like it's, you know,

the phrase jump the shark feels appropriate there. Yes, yeah, it didn't just fucking jump the shark. It took the shark on a plane and... Well, no, jump the shark's the motorbike, isn't it, from plane and uh well no jump the sharks the motorbike isn't it from happy days that's the that's what the reference is sorry yes it felt like they took a a lorry to jump the shark i don't know what would be more extreme but i think it's uh when there's something where you're you know you are emotionally invested in characters you've been on a journey for him you know it's probably like a you know important stage of your life that you know because

it was it was on telly for a long time wasn't it so there's probably a lot of your life has happened whilst you're watching that and then to sort of you know you are invested in them and for someone to just sort of like turn up and just sort of piss their way through it and just go out and then we'll do this line and then this can happen you're like no you feel like you deserve more than that well carrie was always like when you watch back on it you're like god actually watching these episodes like carrie is the annoying one you're like god as a friend she's so fucking selfish i think you would have just like ditched her a while a while ago but you know and then there's stuff to carry where she's vulnerable and it's cute and it's you know but the whole thing was big was like she's trying to land this guy who seems seemingly uncatchable and, you know, and there's this great romance and he's with someone else and she's with someone else and they collide and they come back together and they collide and he rescues her in Paris, which was an interesting couple of episodes. uh but but then in sex in the city too after the wedding after the him not making it to the altar

and then them kind of going let's be good to each other forever um and he's a homebody and she's fed up because he wants to stay in and like watch a movie and get a takeout and she's like we live in new york like and then you're like oh oh, Carrie, just shut the fuck up. You're an annoyance. What do you mean? Like we live, like our marriage has gone stale. We're in a stale marriage because you actually want to spend time with me.

And you're like, all he, you ever wanted him to do throughout the entire six seasons of the show was to spend time with you. And now we've got this film where you're like, no, he's too much of a homebody yeah sounds sounds like a nightmare i mean i was going to give it a go but after after that take down i'm afraid i'm out um and what what song would you use to distract yourself from the crap

film my worst song well so i i was thinking about this and part of me was like i would maybe put something by biggie Smalls because I love Biggie Smalls music but then as a feminist the lyrics are literally quite difficult to swallow unconsensual jizzing in someone's mouth um but um uh but I do I do love the music so I'm not going to go with that I'm going to go with something I'm supposed to love but I absolutely cannot and over the years everyone goes on to me about it. But in our old car, my, I'm going to say Paul, my other half, had a CD of The National.

Okay. Alligator, I think it was. It's the one that's got Karen on it. And that song, and it makes me feel bad because my sister-in-law is called karen and she's like the loveliest woman there's something about the minor notes in it there's something about the the way the lead singer of the national sings and it feels really dirgy to me and then all of my friends like love the national and they're like what are you talking

about and then like the more they're like it's amazing the more i'm like please don't play that song it makes me it's just depressing yeah yeah i for me i don't i mean i'm not actually that familiar with it but then i feel like they're one of those bands you're supposed to know like i was having a conversation the other day but with some friends about like who was the most six music band in that, you know, in that like, who do you hear? You know, so I was saying that I've never listened to six music once without hearing a mention of Laura Marling. Right. And I have nothing against her. And what I've heard of her, I like.

But my friend was he countered with saying the national and for me that's like I always I sort of with six music sometimes you sort of feel like oh I know what they're talking about I'm cool and then other times I'm like oh I'm supposed to know about these guys and I don't and everyone knows about them and the national is like a bit of a blind spot with me so I don't I'm not that familiar with them and then I feel less cool because of it so you know like everyone is I know they're great and there's a song secret basement um and it's like kind of come on all this angsty kind of you love Jeff Buckley when he's being angsty but I'm like oh my god there's like virtuoso guitar playing and amazing vocals and is what i hear when i hear the national and i can't it's maybe it's the

tone of his voice and it just doesn't connect with me and the keys in the music make me feel sad and i don't want and listen it's mad because morrissey has lyrics that are i mean let's not get into everything else about morrissey but morrissey has songs that are, I mean, let's not get into everything else about Morrissey, but Morrissey has songs that are, when you listen to them lyrically, like horrific shit's happening, but they're like jaunty tunes. So you can be like dancing along to them

and maybe it's the music and the notes that hit you in a way that the lyrics don't. And it's just a tone, it's a mood and it never makes me smile or feel up. And I know they're introverted indie boys and I should love it, you know. But it's so hard when you dislike something that all your peers like.

You know, like for me, with my friendship group, it's like Radiohead and they love them. And it's not like there's other bands that we could disagree about and that's fine. for some reason that's a real sticking point and like because I don't like Radiohead and it's the same sort of things you're talking about like you know the the tone of the vocals the minor keys and it just sort of makes me feel like itchy and like I feel like you know when you see someone portraying someone on heroin withdrawal and they're all kind of clammy and sweaty and sort of like hugging themselves that's what it makes me feel but when i tell when i tell people i don't

like radiohead it's like they just assume from that i just have no taste in music and there's certain bands that are like that it's like well if you don't like that you have nothing else to offer me you know and that's what i always hate it's like no but i like loads of interesting cool music look look look through my phone look at all these same here same here a very very eclectic taste yeah but i i think that says more about the person if they say you have no taste if you don't like this band yeah fuck them yeah you're right you're like i'm not gonna say that to you i'm not how can how can a subjective opinion be wrong if it's a subjective like opinion of music like you go that doesn't there's something about it and we all have our you know musical there's certain music and sounds and songs

that make me feel like i am home. I feel uplifted. You know, like if earlier on I put Marvin Gaye on, I was like, I really want a bit of Marvin Gaye and Luther Vandross. And that doesn't mean that I don't like, you know, Guns N' Roses, because I do. And it doesn't mean that I don't like other music. But I was like, when I'm in my kitchen and I want to twirl around and dance, I'm listening to Ain't

No Man In High Enough or I'm listening to Never Too Much by Luther Vandross and those songs give they give me an energy and you know and there are certain songs which can make me cry but they don't make me feel numb and I think that's what you're talking about with how you respond to Radiohead like you say like curling up like despair I don't want songs that make me feel despairing yeah no exactly especially not on the island so yeah I think that's a very good choice as well I'm totally with you I mean I might I'm gonna have to go and listen to the national now finally this is going to be the thing that uh does it but uh I'll report back to you separately and let you know how I get on you might love them like here's a weird thing like i think like

there's maybe like there's sounds that they are similar to that i like but collectively it must be the tone of his voice and the and then i was up for like you've got to watch the documentary and they're so amazing and i was like i'm not going to watch the documentary because i don't want to massively like the guys that whose music i don't like yeah i just want to be able to go i don't really know about it i don't listen to it and i don't enjoy it yeah no i agree i agree i think it was absolutely fair enough point of view okay tiff finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why oh Oh, oh my God. I almost forgot about, I did forget about the animal. What animal do I hate? Oh, I think moths.

Moths, okay. I have like an aversion to moths and they will be on the island. Like a butterfly. Sometimes if that, I know what it is. When I was a kid, I went to a butterfly house. And it's, you know, when you're, it's sort of quite confronting. They're all sort of flying around and, you know, flapping. And I like birds and I do like butterflies.

But the bigger butterflies scare me a little bit as well. Yeah, it feels unnatural, doesn't it, when you see them that big? Yeah, well, these were like the giant moth, which I think is like the biggest out of the butterfly moth family and they were sat on slabs of meat oh god and they're um you know i don't know what it's called it's not called antennae is it where they cut their tongue you know it sort of unrolls oh proboscis is it maybe yeah was like they were sucking off of meat they were like on slabs of meat these massive things and then one flew off and like landed on my school skirt and i was completely frozen i couldn't move and again i felt sick um sounds like some sort of national front moth just eating meat in like hassling school girls oh it's so horrible and um and i yeah like i say i like

butterflies and i like images of butterflies but this moth was he was he was terrifying um and also he was he was sort of um i'm saying he it might have been a female moth. How dare I? But, so now I have a thing with moths and I think it's because sometimes their bodies are so chunky. You know, when they're like huge, you can hear them flying around the room. Also,

they eat clothes. Butterflies don't eat clothes. Moths leave holes in shit. one Edinburgh, sorry, I was just, just carry on. I'll tell you the memory after.

No, no, mine was just, I was just going to be indignant because I thought it was always one of those stories like, you know, moths eat clothes, people slip on bananas. These are things that happen in cartoons. And then, yeah, I've had loads of stuff ruined by moths in the last few years. And I think they're complete bastards. My wife went to see a Daniel Kitson show

and she was saying, oh, it was really funny. He was saying like, moths are magical because they live on jumpers and isn't it lovely and whimsical and i was like no they live on my fucking jumpers that's not that's not nice sorry but anyway you were saying about uh yeah well just one edinburgh i came back and um there were like five i left a window open and so i sort of invited them in it's like a vampire you know leave the window open um you're inviting the moths in and there was it was in the rental and it freaked me out so much i was like it's gonna have eaten my jeans through to hot pants that's how many of them there is and i got like a i think there was like a wrench on the fireplace and i was

didn't get my deposit back like i smashed a couple of them into the wall and it's not like i massively like killing insects but i was freaking out and i i did take out a couple of moths also the thing of them kind of going like right they go towards the light that's their thing and people go well it's because they're attracted to the moon because that's you know there was the brightest light in nature and you're like but they're never going to get to the moon it's a pipe dream like what's it's stupid you know you're not you're not going to make it so why is that your evolutionary thing and i guess at some point it was just sort of oh it's night time i wake up now but like look you can't you can't get inside the light you're too it's like watching someone who's taken too many drugs at a festival, like hugging the speaker.

It's like you can't get inside the music. Just stop it and stand a bit away and have a drink of water. It's going to be all right. Yeah, listen, the light is for me. I'm a performer. I'm selfish. The only person that has the light is me. You can't share it with me, moths.

I won't abide it and there's also a moth that looks like a murder hornet it's like it's like a it's not a murder hornet hornet but it's like an imitation one i'm gonna look up the name of it i saw them in the trees outside my house oh let me just see if i can find the name of it the carpenter bee the elm sawfly hummingbird moth no hummingbird moth is basically the cat was batting something around the house one day and it was like a moth body but the wings were clear oh right um and uh again very very upsetting yeah yeah i probably have a few less moths than i used to because i have a cat who is uh a vicious a vicious beast so yeah when i can't catch them myself sometimes i lift up my cat because he wants to get them but

he can't reach so we sort of work in tandem so i sort of lift him up as a sort of a fly swat and it's always quite a nice bonding experience with the two of us i find less so and you just see him sort of eating it and sort of trying to get the dust out of his mouth there you go i imagine on a tropical island as well i'm gonna have a real there are gonna be these huge moths oh yeah definitely definitely i yeah i think that's i think it's a good choice because they're sort of they're just sort of low level pests you know they're not sort of they're kind of invasive in a sort of crap way. They sort of bumble, bumble along into you. You know, it's like a bumbling kind of invasiveness, which is just sort of annoying. You know, it's not sort of aggressive, but it's just irritating.

Yeah. I think they make a good animal choice. So, Tiff, I think you've done a great job here. You know, these well thought out, horrible things and people and your island is going to be a really shit place to spend time. So thank you. And I'm sorry.

But I'm very grateful for you coming on Desert Island Dicks. And, you know, obviously it's lockdown. It's a really difficult time for comedians and actors. And where's the best way to hear what you're up to and keep up

with what you've done before and that sort of thing um well i'm doing a show uh february the 19th i'm doing nowhere comedy club in america so that might be in the afternoon here i'm doing a show i'm going to be working in some new stuff at that um also um old rope my show is coming back possibly next week or the week after which I had been doing on Monday nights on Instagram and enjoying but I think we're moving that to Zoom so you can find me just on Twitter also

TikTok I'm putting some stuff out on there at the moment I have some fun videos which is basically me writing describing men like bad male authors describe women oh i've seen that that's brilliant yeah i really recommend everyone goes to look up that it's really fun and there's lots of them as well aren't there it's really there's lots of them so they were originally on twitter but i've started putting the videos on tiktok and i think one's

sort of uh one of them's got a quarter of a million views uh just like this week so you know like it tiktok's quite a fun place to do them because you get a lot of eyes on your stuff and you can just be creative and not get sort of bogged down in in twitter arguments you know which increasingly seems to be happening more and more but do follow me on twitter if you're on there as well and um i sort of post about what i'm up to so you can see it there. Brilliant. Oh well Tiff, thanks again for joining us on Desert Island Dicks today.

Thank you very much for having me. Cheers.