Desert Island Dicks - TOM ALLEN, LIVE! IN LONDON

Episode Date: December 22, 2019

Comedian, Tom Allen joins me for a Christmas special edition of the podcast - recorded live in front of an audience at 2Northdown in London! Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks live in London. This is a show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Tom Allen. How's it going? Good, good, good. I like this venue. I like how we share the stage with a toilet.

Yeah, yeah. It is a toilet. It's very exciting, isn't it? Who's going to come out next? Yeah. It's like a sort of Noel's house party. Yeah. Tom, thanks for coming and doing this.

So you should. Yes. I really appreciate it. So it's loosely Christmas themed tonight. Yes, of course. You've got a tree up. Yes, I really appreciate it. So it's loosely Christmas themed tonight. Yes, of course. Yes. Got a tree up. Yes, I know.

We've gone all out. All out. Yeah. Ish. How did you find choosing your choices for your island? Well, I think it's one of those things you could agonise over for a long time, but then I ended up just... So I was thinking about it all over the weekend. Well, not all over the weekend, obviously. I did think about it. but then i ended up just so i was thinking about it all over the weekend well not all over the weekend obviously other things but um i did think about

and then i ended up just sort of going no these ones are the ones i think okay yeah but i'm quite and i'm quite i can be quite curmudgeonly so well i'm not all the time but i can be sometimes so okay um also quite indecisive uh but yeah no i enjoyed doing so there was a few that you mulled over that didn't make the uh lovely mulled Christmas reference. Thank you, everyone. Very good, James. I did mull some of them, yes. Actually, that's something I hate as well. Oh, I forgot to put that...

Me? No, yes. Imagine how horrible that would be on your show. I tell you what, I hate you. Yeah. No, no, not at all. It hasn't happened yet. No, no, no.

But I just thought... know when you that's the thing as well once you kind of go oh these are my these are my dicks as i believe the premise of this yeah it is um not me referencing myself but um these are the the dicks i've chosen not my multiple dick what are we saying i'm sorry i'm sorry and um and um uh i can't remember what i was gonna say but yeah oh that's right you think of loads afterwards that's what i was gonna say yeah i hate that as well yes yeah okay all right okay uh so let's dive in who's gonna be your first First choice. Shakespeare. Shakespeare. So. Wow. So boring. So shit.

Yeah. Shakespeare. All those rubbish plays that everyone goes on about. Hate them. So he would be a terrible person. Oh, yeah. Going on to speaking in iambic pentameter. What's that?

Just have five beats, ten beats to a line. Yeah. Fuck off. Can we swear on this as a family podcast? You can, yeah. It's not a family podcast five beats, ten beats to a line. Yeah. Fuck off. Can we swear on this as a family podcast? You can, yeah. It's not a family podcast. No, you can't. No, it's not a family podcast.

I just think all that, you know, and you sort of force fed him when you're at school and you have to go and see these boring plays and they're all really outdated and the jokes are supposed

to be funny but they're not funny and you get these wankers laughing really loudly. He is cross-guarded. And all these actors love it. Like, yeah pretty funny isn't it the language and people always come up with like really stupid facts like well you know he invented the word bubble did he oh something like that yeah and um he apparently did invent the word bubble and i'm always like yeah i don't still don't like

him though no i still don't get it's just one of those things that you're just told you have to like yeah if you say you don't like it if you say you don't like him though. No. It's just one of those things that you're just told you have to like. And if you say you don't like him, people are like, well, no, but you have to love him. I mean, the language is incredible. You have to love him. No, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Stop telling me I have to like these boring plays.

Yes, okay. And they're all shit stories. Yes. People dressing up all the time as their sister and fucking their servant who turns out is the king and it's also their sister and I just think oh shut up

I don't need it I don't need it no okay and then the poems the sonnets no stop going on about all your thoughts all the time

and those ones you know just sometimes just maybe listen yeah okay have you been to see You know, sometimes just maybe listen. Yeah, okay. Have you been to see many Shakespeare plays? Yeah, a few. Every few years I'll make myself go and see them to be like, maybe I'm a bit older,

maybe I'll enjoy it now. It hasn't changed your mind? No, and I hate everybody involved in it. Yeah. Hate it. And I hate the actors and I hate the people who enjoy going to watch it. Have you ever been in a Shakespeare play yourself? Yes, I was it. And I hate the actors and I hate the people who enjoy going to watch it. Have you ever been in a Shakespeare play yourself?

Yes, I was brilliant. At school, at school we did a Midsummer Night's Dream. Hey, who did you play? Bottom. Oh, God. I know, I know.

There's not a character called Versatile. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, it was quite fun, I suppose. Okay. In fact, David Nichols has just written... Does anybody here like David Nichols' books? One person, I can imagine.

No idea. Start of a den, one day. Yeah, sure. Sure. He's written a book about someone who's being in a Shakespeare play when they're a teenager. And it's one of those things you just do because you're like, well, I suppose that's what we'll have to do. That's what's on offer.

That's what the school's doing or something. And actually, you go, I don't give a shit about this. I'd rather do, I mean, I don't know, something else. Something else. What else is there to do, though? Is that what we're saying? That's all there is to do is Shakespeare? Yeah, I'm not sure. What a terrible world.

Too long, I think right right yeah yeah like three hours long yeah yeah too long too long

and then like Taming of the Shrew like really misogynist and yet they I remember being dragged to a production of that and they're like oh we found this new ending

which actually means that it's not misogynist anymore like bullshit bullshit you did you just bought all the costumes and then somebody went you know this is a really terrible play

saying really offensive things they're like oh look what I found just an ending that's actually okay and he's not it's just horrible who's it written by

Disney yeah it's by Disney and it doesn't be ending okay yeah definitely so they haven't aged well I don't think because either

well I mean people say it's the universal human themes. People who are like actors and stuff. Okay, right. But I don't personally think they have, but then I just can't relate to people getting lost in a wood all the time. Yeah, okay. That's all that happened.

Okay. So I wouldn't like to... If I was on a desert island with him, he'd be trying to turn it into a story all the time, speaking in rhymes sometimes. And I would find that desert island with him. He'd be trying to turn it into a story all the time, speaking in rhymes sometimes. And I would find that so infuriating. You think he'd sort of think quite highly of himself as well, Shakespeare, right? Oh, yeah, to write those plays, that's so long.

It'd be painful to be on a desert island. Oh, are you still talking? Yeah. Yeah, just like you and your made-up stories about islands. Where is this island by the way it's a bit warm yeah it is warm yeah

I only watched Cast Away for the first time quite recently it's actually quite good it's okay yeah it's not shit it's actually not shit yeah

and I yeah because it's quite interesting you think it was just one actor on the screen all the time but it's really good isn't it yeah I think it's good yeah won an Oscar

it gets chosen as people's least favourite film on this quite a lot. Really? Which is funny. I wonder if they make the connection between the desert island and Castaway and then go that way. I guess everybody...

Oh, maybe, yeah. No, I thought it was a very horrible depiction of a plane crash, though, wasn't it? Yes. And it did make me think... It did make me a bit worried about flying. But luckily, I always fly drunk. Yeah.

It makes it easier. I forget. All right. anything else about Shakespeare before we put him on the island oh his stupid clothes yeah can't wear a ruff on a desert island

no it'd be very hot very uncomfortable very sweaty doublet and hose yeah poncing around behind the palm trees

really take the look off the place is the doublet the massive short yeah it'd be very hot yeah tight behind the palm trees. Really take the look off the place. Is the doublet the massive short? It's like, yeah. It's very hot. Yeah.

Tight. What are you thinking? No one needs a naked Shakespeare. No one wants to see Shakespeare. No one ever, they never, you never see Shakespeare

depicted as topless, do you? No, you don't. What if he ever took his clothes off? In my head, there's only one picture of Shakespeare

and that's him sort of looking to one side and he's got like the velvety suit on with the... I think you're thinking of Richard Ayoade. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it is, yeah.

OK, so Shakespeare is your first choice. Yeah, maybe he was a never nude. We don't know who a never nude is. Yeah. Thank you very much, Tom. And who's going to be your second choice? My second choice is anyone who says Christmas is their favourite time of year. Hurrah!

Sorry. Thank you. It's very divisive, this show. I didn't realise I was going to split the room. We don't normally get this. Is that right? Is it normally quite cohesive? Everybody has a nice time.

Well, normally it's me and someone else in a room on our own. You're basically in a garage next to a toilet. Yeah, basically. It's very, I mean, at this political time of year, it feels like I'm on Question Time or something. Yes.

Which is also my worst television program. I know we're not talking about least favorite television programs. I hate it so much, Question Time. Do you watch it? Yes, annoyingly.

I can't stop watching it though. But I hate it. Every time they turn up in some place, all these people with their arms folded going well I don't see why I can't just have everything I want

all of your opinions stop coming here with all your opinions I just don't like other people talking I only like it when it's me I'll sit here mute would you mind it's been very irritating I'm not that bad

I think I'm just a bit I'm a bit hungover today sorry that's not a very professional thing to say is it why so I went to a party last night

what party did you go to it was the well it was it was actually for the people who work on Bake Off and it was the and it was fun

it was really fun but I did stay up well it was only two o'clock in the morning oh it's a late one late one for a Monday isn't it but at this time of year

there's someone in the audience and you rated her bakes on the bake off no yo did we speak on Extra Slice yes

what did you bring in this series what did you bring in remind me it looks like an ashtray oh yeah yeah

the plastic thing on top of the nice cake. Cylindrical cake. Have you ever used it as an ashtray? No, you could do that, couldn't you? Did it make it into the edit? It did? Oh, well, good. It's a good one. The what one? Oh, yeah, because we had... It was really fun. Oh, tell all, please. We don't get control of this. This is the lawyers.

There was a really fun one that a woman had made. It was Dairy Week, and she'd made an upside-down cow. If you squeeze the udders, a cream-like substance came out. I mean, to be fair, it did look like jizz it looked like a cake that jizzed it was really funny it was really funny but they said the lawyers you know what they're like spoiling everybody's fun said no you can't show a cake ejaculating no fair enough yeah enough, yeah. Before nine o'clock. Yeah. After nine, is it fine?

After nine, it's only that. Yeah. I never watch TV after nine. It's not valid. Yeah, I start doing it. Okay. Any gossip from the party? No, I think probably I was too drunk,

as you can tell from my voice. I get a bit tired. Very deep. Very deep. But no, I don't think there was any gossip. No, I didn a bit tired and I'm very deep but no I don't think there was any gossip no I didn't no I didn't see

well done that was good I didn't see I didn't see any no one was making out or anything sadly I always love to look out

for that sort of thing yeah it just didn't happen no okay so maybe people were slightly put off

by me staring at them yeah are you going to make out now? Now? Come on, do it. Kiss. You look like you're going to do it. Yeah.

Okay, Tom. So, your second choice is going to be people that say Xmas is their Christmas. Xmas. Yeah, that's what we say now. That's what I've written there. I've written it down. Shorthand. Xmas is an annoying...

Yes, I've just... I realised that as it came out of my mouth. But I didn't know. Is it universally acknowledged the way people went, oh, no. You're not going to. Xmas is an annoying... Yes, I've just... I realised that as it came out of my mouth. But I didn't know... Is it universally acknowledged the way people went, oh, no. You're not going to say Xmas. I don't know why I said that.

Why is... It is annoying, but I don't know... Even to write it is annoying. Yeah, yeah. If you're going to write X or career... Yeah.

It's stupid, yeah. I don't know why I've done it. Chris isn't such a tiring word to write, I don't think. No, I could have just written Christmas. It's not just you. I know, yeah. Oh,'ve done it Chris isn't such a tiring word to write I don't think no I could have just written Christmas it's not just you I know yeah

oh it's Christ isn't it it's Christ actually I forgot that's the that's the that's the point isn't it so why

why does X become sit on Christ cross like charring cross sometimes they put cross king's cross king's cross

they put an X on the front of the thing but that's because the window isn't big enough. Is it why? I guess so. I don't know. I don't know.

That's why I assume. But like Christmas, there's always room for an X. Or there's more room for more than an X. There's always room for Christ at Christmas. Yeah. That's what I came

to talk to you about. I didn't know this was going to go this way. Yeah. Guys, sorry. The doors are locked. Yeah. I didn't know this was going to go this way yeah guys sorry the doors are locked so why people that have Christmas as their favourite time I don't know I just think

you know just calm down stop trying to put too much pressure on it people who put up their Christmas decorations in November tantamount to degeneracy and I do think... No, it's too early. It's too soon.

It's too early, yeah. It's too soon to put up... You ruin the fun. You ruin the fun putting up your Christmas decorations too soon. And then we will have to sort of get in this mood

that we might not be feeling that day because you can't just feel Christmassy all the time. No. And people are like, yes, it's my favourite time of the year. I love Christmas. On Christmas we do this,

then we do this, then we do this, and then we do this. How have we got enough energy to do all of these things oh yeah like why don't you sit down and be quiet and to do it for like nine weeks but like nine weeks as soon as halloween is over that's it and yeah that's very american in my mind it's very it's not very authentic i don't mind things being american but i just think it's not all that we've sort of picked up these kind of americanisms and i think well i i don't we don't we that doesn't that hasn't been how we need to do it we don't have to have it like just because it's not halloween or yeah not thanksgiving

people started celebrating thanksgiving yeah no no that makes no sense harvest festival is that true i well maybe yeah okay in my echo chamber but i think I think I like Harvest Festival the dirgiest of the festivals what goes on in Harvest Festival just they sing just the dirgy songs like

we plough the fields and scatter the goods downbeat or when I was at primary school we had a song called the farmer gathers his nuts today it's harvest time

that's great that's a great song. That's so good. You know, tins out round the hall. But not, yeah, sorry. For me, this is the one time of year that I'm quite pleased with myself for being quite disorganised. Because we don't start doing Christmas stuff

until around now. Yes. But mostly because we're always late to doing everything. When you say we, do you mean... Me and my family. You and your family, yeah. Oh, right, sorry. I thought you were talking about everyone. I was because we're always late to doing everything. What you, when you say we, do you mean? Me and my family. You and your family.

Yeah. Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. But everyone is like, well, everybody's like that. No, yeah.

The, yeah, I'm very disorganized. I'm like, well, I'll buy like Christmas presents. That becomes this big like obligation

and it's nice to buy people presents, but it's just sort of a bit, I don't know. It's a bit a lot of like, it's a rigmarole rigmarole it's not fun yeah you gotta go only buy something for them and do they need that thing yeah and then and then um you know i just i don't know i like i do like it i like having lights on a tree i like i like lots of parts of it but i just think the obligate and the sort of forcedness of it

is really annoying and i think if you you know it's sort of like be happy all the time are you happy be happy are you happy yeah if you're you know, it's sort of like, be happy all the time. Are you happy? Be happy. Are you happy? If you're like, well, I'm just sort of feeling, maybe not unhappy, but just like fine.

Just feeling fine. Then they're like, that's not enough. No. Do you not feel the joy? Do you feel the joy? Do you feel the joy of Christmas? Yeah.

The joy of Christmas. But I know, I know who you mean. The people in the middle of October, they're like, I can't wait to start. Is it too early to start my Christmas playlist? Oh yeah.

And you're just like, yes it is. It is. Put it in the bin. October, they're like, I can't wait to start. Is it too early to start my Christmas playlist? Oh, yeah. And it's like. Yes, it is. Put it in the bin. It very much is. Yes. But your Christmas playlist, they put that on in October. Oh, some people, yeah. What will be on it?

On my. Or like these people you clearly work with. No, I'm thinking of one person specifically, but I will name no names. And they start to talk about it. And you're like hang on a minute oh it's october yeah it's still warm yeah it's tropical these global warming times yeah yeah can't be thinking about that yeah for sure the days are still long yeah you need to have dark the dark days of christmas that's what it's like yeah that's what i like so you can see

the lights yeah that was a game we had as children, my brother and I in the back of the car. It's not a very complicated game, but you're welcome to it. It's where you're the first person to spot Christmas lights. Oh, that's good. And so you say,

I see lights, I see lights. Oh, that's great. That's the game. I'm going to play that with my kids. I'm hoping to turn it into a TV panel show. Yeah. It's called I See Lights, I See Lights. Yeah, nice. Fine in the back of the car, though. Okay. And's called I See Lights, I See Lights. Yeah, nice.

Fine on the back of the car though. Okay. And we live near some people who have like big, like those people who like decorate their whole house

with lights and I'm just like, it's embarrassing. I just think, you know, turn it, and the electricity and also the neighbours.

How would you feel if you lived opposite someone with that on there? I know, yeah. Like a whole roof full of lights. Yeah. It rarely looks nice.

No, it's never tasteful no never tasteful my daughter we were driving past the house and it was horrific it was just like neon that's like really bad and there was this big blow up santa no snowman outside and it was glowing she was like can we have a snowman i was like no absolutely not no no that's a better lesson yeah the lesson of christmas which is sometimes you can't yeah sometimes you can't you can't have it all kids

you can't have it all so yeah alright maybe that's too mean so I mean I know people like putting them up it's all of it

Uncle Buck is that Uncle Buck Uncle Buck is that where they put the lights up is that the one no not Uncle Buck the other one

National Lampoon sorry is that John Candy as well no Chevy Chase Chevy Chase that was the

lynchpin why isn't that on the telly more I don't know the films they repeat so on a desert island right

to take it back to a desert island you've got these people that are Christmas is their favourite time of year after a while you're going to have

no perception of what time of year it is I think on the island it'll be just always Christmas yeah it'll be the reverse of Narnia.

Always hot as well. Boiling hot and always Christmas. Yeah. Like some sort of dystopian Australia. Yeah. Awful. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I wonder how people will... I wonder how people... Yeah, how will we have turkey every day? Is that what you're suggesting? I guess, I don't know. Or there'll be like a vegan turkey we'll have by then. It'll be like a synthetic turkey, when there'll be like a vegan... Yeah. have by then. It'll be like a synthetic turkey, won't it? They'll be like a vegan.

Yeah. Nut roast? Nut roast, maybe? No, I think they get it. They. That's nice, isn't it? But vegans get offended when they just get a nut roast

all the time. Oh. I think. Well, what else? What else? What do they want? That's right. What else do they want?

That's what I was going to say. Roasted squash. Actually, that's quite nice. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay. So, that's quite nice. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so people who... Christmas is their favourite time of year. Yeah.

It's their second choice. Yeah. Imagine being on a desert island with someone who's like, oh my God, only a few more weeks till Christmas. What are you going to get? What are we going to decorate

the desert island with? Yeah. Yeah. You can't put lights up on a desert island. There's no electricity, is there? I. You can't put lights up on a desert island. There's no electricity, is there? I don't think so, no. It's your island.

No, it's your island this time. You're right. Is there any electricity? No, I don't think so. Not on a desert island. No. I mean, solar power, I guess, is possible. Yeah, sure.

Unless you have someone technically minded that could use the battery power of the plane to create some kind of we've landed by plane oh yeah well the person who loves Christmas and Shakespeare

are going to be fuck all use in that department Shakespeare writing a fucking poem they could make some amazing props oh imagine the props

oh yeah and the one who loves Christmas is going to love the poems yeah and probably be like putting together together Christmas card poems and trying to do them to Shakespeare.

Yeah. Shakespeare will be like, what? What is going on? This isn't good enough. Yeah. Okay. So people who Christmas is their favourite time of year is going to be a second choice.

Yeah. Too excitable. No problem. And Tom, who's going to be a third choice? Who does that? Oh, yes. Somebody who is rude to me in a Scandinavian style bakery. Okay.

Which should have been... I have such high hopes every time I see one of those Scandinavian style bakeries, which largely involve, I would say, polished concrete. Those sort of like... Yes, exposed plaster. Maybe some exposed plaster. Lovely lighting. Slate, everything. Slate, lots of plaster. Maybe some exposed plaster. Lovely lighting. Slate, everything.

Slate, lots of slate. Maybe a trim of wood. And it's so rude. So rude. So just a bunch of... What happened? Well, I went in there to get my favourite, which is a smoked salmon and dill roll.

And it's got like a name that's like babaca cachos. And I'll try and say that. roll and and it's got like a name that's like papakakashos and and I'll try and say that and then I'll always be tempted by like and maybe they do a thing called a cinnamon no what do they call it

a cinnamon swirl social a cinnamon social a social slice a social slice yeah I've seen this so is that a thing yeah yeah yeah

or you think do you know the shop I mean I think so yeah are we allowed to say it yeah Oli and Steen Oli and Steen oh yeah you know

oh we know fine fine fine guys you've got you've mean? Are we allowed to say it? Yeah. Olienstein. Olienstein. Oh, yeah, you know. Fine, fine, fine. Guys, you have people who come out to a, what, a recording of a podcast on a Tuesday. You know Olienstein. I thought I had to somehow coax it in another language. But they're just very, like, and don't get me wrong. I love nice things. I love being a wanker.

But I expect to be thanked for it. Yeah. In what way? In what way? Well, just like that. I was going in there every day for my smoked salmon, Danish seeded roll. And with pickled cucumber and dill.

And I was really enjoying it. I was telling everyone about it. Even though the bread had been kept in the fridge, which I don't like. Because if I wanted a sandwich that tasted of the fridge, I'd go to Marks and Spencer's. All their sandwiches taste of the fridge, don't they? I went to

Olle Enstein. I go in there every day and she's always just really mardy with me. Very northern way. Very moody, very grumpy about everything. And I'm just like well and i'm every time because i have to be liked and every time i'd be like hello how are you and you're like fine what do you want and i'm like um well um i was thinking i'll get the smoked salmon like why do we need to ask i get the same thing every day and then i'd say what's

the nicer one i said on one occasion what's the nicer one the um the the the cinnamon one or the or the cinnamon social as well or the chocolate social as well and she said they're both nice didn't help at all so i still bought the chocolate one yeah i still mean i still go there um but um just so rude and once i asked to have grilled, I have a different sandwich actually toasted, but she had to go and get the manager. Why? To see if you could toast it? Yeah, yeah. And then the manager said, no, we can't toast those ones

because something's wrong with the bread. So I couldn't have a toasted one. You have to have a different bread if you want it toasted. And I just thought, what's the point in being alive? Some people, there's so many obstacles in your way. Some people put so many obstacles

in your way. If you want a toaster you've got to go to Greg's. You've got to go to Greg's. So now I go to Greg's every time. Like yesterday I was in... I'd love to see you

in a Greg's. Do you know what? I've only been to a Greg's once and it was when I was in Wakefield and it was really nice actually. Everybody was really nice. They recognised me. Oh nice. Only was really nice. They recognised me.

Oh, nice. Only at the end, though, which annoyed me. Do they not recognise you? Do they not recognise you in Arlene's Steve? No way. Or if they do, they are going out of their way to remind me that they don't care. Not only do they not recognise you, they don't remember your order. They don't remember my order.

They would not remember me if I was dead in the street. They wouldn't. They would not come out with a smoked salmon roll. What did you order? On the day I'm dead in the street, that's the day they go, oh, we toasted your roll.

And chuck it on your wall. We just brought in the toasting. What did you order in Greg's? I think it was a black coffee and a, maybe some sort of, I was going to say baked good, but I don't think it was.

I think it was some sort of sandwich again. It was breakfast time. It's maybe like a BLT,. I think it was some sort of sandwich again. But it was breakfast time. It's maybe like a BLT, which I think is acceptable as a breakfast sandwich. Would you say? Like, I don't think, funnily enough, I don't think sandwiches are acceptable in the morning, are they? If you went out for breakfast to a restaurant and they were like, would you like a sandwich? I'd say absolutely not. But if they brought something out on toast, oh, that's completely fine.

Yeah, as long as it's open. It has to be open, which is, again, a very Scandinavian thing to do. Yes. Oli and Steen are trying to take over the fucking world. No, if it's an open thing,

then it's fine. Why is that? I don't know. What's with that? Anyway, I don't know. Yeah, okay. So this rude bakery person. Yeah.

What would they be like on the island? Really annoyed that I dragged them there, I imagine. Considering they don't like rude bakery person yeah what would they be like on the island really annoyed that I dragged them there I imagine considering they don't like seeing me for the three minutes

I see them of a lunch time so I can only imagine how furious they'd be to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with me

for the rest of their lives okay yeah but yeah so I think they'd be very angry I don't know what they'd be doing on the island

I mean presumably if their calling has always been to work in a Scandinavian style bakery I don't know how they're going to replicate that

on the island on the island maybe they could build some well there'd be plenty of slate sure yeah and maybe some

sort of oak some sort of wood with a fallen palm tree here and there yeah that's kind of what it's like in there yeah they'd be able to fashion some sort of coffee with a fallen palm tree here and there. That's kind of what it's like in there.

Yeah. They'd be able to fashion some sort of coffee shop. Yeah. Which they'd open. Just to make you coffee. Yeah. Me. Your only purpose here

is to continue making me coffee. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Which would not be available presumably. And they take great pride in telling me every day,

no. We don't have that. Yeah. I'd still ask for it to be toasted. You're trying to get off the island. No, Tom don't have that. Yeah. I'd still ask for it to be toasted. You're trying to get off the island? No, Tom.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Shakespeare, I bet, would love it. He would love it. Love it. What a great character

for Shakespeare. What a... Oh, yes. Wouldn't it be? The curmudgeonly Scandinavian bakery worker. Yeah.

I think you're actually building a Shakespearean dream. I remember that from The Tempest. Yeah. Very much a Midsummer Night's Dream. Okay.

Yes. Oh, I'm trying to think of another baking pun Shakespeare play. I can't think of one. Omelette. That's the only thing I can think of. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

They don't do omelettes. Yeah. No, I can't think of any. They'd love to tell you they don't do that either. Okay. Thank you very much, Tom. No, that's quite all right. Now, mercifully, among the wreckages of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Oh, good. Unfortunately for you, it's the least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they? Why are they so bad? I'm sorry. I wonder where the plane was headed to.

Where do you think it was headed to? Mexico. Mexico, maybe. No, that's dark. That's dark. You're going to go to Mexico, right? I'm going to Mexico, yeah. And we can't talk about a plane crash. A plane crash No, that's dark. That's dark. What? You're going to go to Mexico, right? I'm going to Mexico, yeah. And we can't talk about

a plane crash. A plane crash when I'm flying there. Disappeared. Imagine what a wonderful evening we'd all look back on. I know. Magical.

I know. He foresaw it all. He called us to a garage next to a toilet to tell us what was going to happen. Yeah. We lived it all.

We're sandwiched by toilets, actually. I think they're on eBay. Sandwiched by toilets. Not a sandwich you can have before lunchtime. No. Yeah. And not the style of a Shakespeare play. Tom, food or drink first?

So, food. And since we were thinking about Christmas, I was thinking, actually, my least favourite food is that annoying party food which comes in like supermarkets start stocking it that's like vol-au-vents you put in the oven like mini quiches

they all just taste the same they're all like hard with mush inside yeah yeah no matter what they are no matter what they are or maybe a breaded prawn. I don't care for it.

A breaded prawn. I don't care for that. You get like prawn toast, a spring roll. And a wonton. A wonton. Hard on the outside. Pecora and a samosa

and they all taste the same. Or hard on the outside, mush in the middle. They're not like, because they're just from a supermarket. They're not lovingly made. Yes. If you have the real thing,

it's lovely. But if you go if you have the real thing it's lovely but if you go to like a table in your mom and dad's neighbor's house where it's just a melee of just stuff yeah maybe a prawn ring everything in there 200 for 20 minutes right yeah 200 for 20 minutes although sometimes not as well. When I was having my 30th birthday party, I decided to, I deigned to allow my parents to host it in their house. I told them I was hosting it in their house.

And I was like, no, it's going to be very civilized. We're just going to have maybe, you know, some sort of medieval style ham and some, you know um well-placed pickles um and then they went to costco and lost their minds and came back with like all these selection boxes of like hard on the outside mush in the middle yeah um or hors d'oeuvres yeah um and um and a huge slab of pate like i don't know yeah like like a like a like almost like a flower like a like some sort of some sort of what is the word i'm thinking of like a like a long flower pot of pate horrible you what like a window box of pate yeah exactly that I was appalled

because what can you you know what can you have to go with pate anyway it's very I don't know so a cracker how many

you know boxes of crackers how many crackers can you do yeah and that's not what I wanted don't look at your phone everything's fine what was happening on your phone

no it was a mistake what were you looking at on your phone you've just got an addiction to phones, haven't you? What was it? Oh, no. Some bad news.

Oh. Oh. It's not that heavy. God, I thought it was something big in the news. How self-important are you? Waiting to find out if you're getting more. It's going to get really heavy really quickly. I was like, oh my God.

Someone's died. Like, oh no. Something terrible's happened. There's been a plane crash on a desert island somewhere. Oh no, I'm just waiting to find out about my mortgage. Did you find out? What, you haven't found out yet? Well, I don't think they're going to come back to you

at half past seven. Does your mortgage broker work late on a Tuesday? He does? Is he a friend mortgage broker or like a... He's not a friend. Not a friend of mine. You don't hate him, but you feel indifferent.

Oh. He'll be a terrible person to take on. Imagine having a mortgage broker on a desert island. him, but you feel indifferent. Oh. He'll be a terrible person to take on. Imagine having a mortgage record on Desert Island. Yeah, that would be awful, yeah. Always phoning up to see if you've made any progress. No, yeah. No, there's nothing to buy. We're on a Desert Island, what do you understand? My last bit of phone battery and he's messaging me at half

seven in the evening. No! Why are you leaving a voicemail? No one picks up voicemails anymore. Yeah, yeah. Oh, don't you hate opening a voicemail and listening to it? I never listen to this. No, I need this. Why are you leaving a voicemail? No one picks up voicemails anymore. Yeah, yeah. Oh, don't you hate opening a voicemail and listening to it? I never listen to them.

No, it puts fear into me. I hate it. I hate it. To be honest, I don't like it when people phone. Yeah. Phoning is so draconian. Yeah.

I find it just very invasive. Unless it's somebody I want to speak to. But like, it's very invasive a lot of the time. It's someone phoning you. There's never a good time.

Never a good time to have that conversation. And like, annoying. And then if you stupidly have clicked it into not being in silent, then it makes that horrible like, ah, ah, to go with it. Like, shut up. It really attacks you. Yeah. Answer me!

Yeah. It's a very negative space, this show. I know. Sorry. It's my fault. But no, no, it's a very yeah it's a very negative space this show i know sorry yeah it's my fault but no no it's toxic but carry on i'm sorry to have created this well no but the bland uh bland crispy and mush um yeah that's my least favorite food just because i'm like i don't want to eat this no i don't and why have you put give me a plate to eat off i don't want to eat a tiny quiche and then a tiny vol-au-vent and then a prawn. Yeah. I would not have that meal.

We have no idea what each one is. They all just look the same. It looks so stupid. It looks stupid. The three little things. It looks stupid on the plate. Yeah. Linda.

Yeah. Or whoever it is who's organised this party. It's her name, Linda. Yeah. Jan. What the fuck were you thinking of? Do you not know who I am? I don't think that would wash.

No, no, no. With my parents, friends. Do you know who I am? Yes. Yes, yeah. Snobby little brick that your mum and dad drank at Christmas parties. Oh, dear.

Okay. Thank you very much. And what's going to be your drink choice? Well, do you know what? I said to you beforehand what I thought it was going to be. But then when we were talking, I think, well... Okay. Well, can I...

Well, mulled wine. Mulled wine. I mean, what is this plane? But mulled wine, this plane that crashes with a whole cargo of Christmas goods. I know. It's a sleigh. cargo of Christmas goods. It's a sleigh. My least favorite food is venison. No, I

drink mulled wine. What is it? Warmed uped wine. What is it? Warmed up red wine. Who wants that? Not me. Warmed up, like, microwaved red wine with an orange in it. And bits of stuff. Bits of stuff. Sometimes actual bits of wood where the

cinnamon stick is broken. It's like in the back of your... And you can't get drunk on it because it's heated so all the alcohol's burnt off yes that is true to be honest the best time you have

with mulled wine is if you just stand above the the cauldron yeah just inhale all the alcohol just huffing the scent huffing

mulled wine is is something that I think would be fun you just with a towel over your head you've maybe got a sore throat just a hot box mulled wine.

You're going to have to take that out, I'm sure. No, that's very much saying it. Mulled wine. Yeah, I just think... I don't care for it. I don't want bits of stuff in my drink. I don't like orange juice with bits in. I don't like...

Oh, really? Yeah, I don't like that. Marmalade? No. Are you a marmalade eater? No. I don't like... Oh, really? Yeah, I don't like that. Marmalade? No, I don't like... Are you a marmalade eater? No. But I do like jam. Sometimes.

But I... Sometimes. But I don't really like cocktails for that same reason, because often... I think cocktails are a bit shit. Sorry, I sound like such a booze hound. But, like, the sugary ones, where it's like... Most of us sat here hungover.

Yeah, like, I tell you what, yeah, booze, right? But mulled wine, if you just have the booze off the top, then it's great. If you put a towel over your head and huff it, yeah. This is just a Coca-Cola. But I think that, yeah, cocktails, when they're like, it's a bramble and it's got a hint of this and a touch of that,

it's just juice. It's just juice, isn't it? When it's all got all these sweet things in it, I can't taste what the difference is. And it's sucking up bits of leaf and it's just like. Oh, yeah, I don touch of that. It's just juice. It's just juice, isn't it? When it's all got all these sweet things in it. I can't taste what the difference is. And it's sucking up bits of leaf and it's just like... Oh, yeah. I don't like that.

Sucking up bits of leaf. And most of it's water. You know, just like if it's a... Oh, it's an icy one. Yeah. Oh, the icy ones are full of water. Yeah. I don't really like ice in a drink.

I don't need it. Don't care for it. Okay. Don't care for it. Don't care who knows. But I was going to say, originally I'd said beer. I know.

It's my least favorite drink, which feels like it's a more likely thing. I'm sorry. I'm sat here drinking a beer. I know. You are sat there drinking a beer. Drinking a beer. I just don't like it.

And I just don't think it's a very nice taste. I don't know. I don't know what the big deal is. You're sort of made to like it. And then people go, oh yeah, I do like a nice beer on it. It's very,

I don't know, what is the taste you're getting? Especially a lot of them are very synthetic tasting. And then it's like, oh no, an IPA please. Or what's the other one that people drink nice beer on it. It's very, I don't know, what is the taste you're getting? Especially a lot of them are very synthetic tasting. And it's like, oh no, an IPA please. Or what's the other one that people drink?

I like it. Lager? Or like, what's the one that people say? Pale ale. Pale ale. What's that? Pale ale, yeah.

What's a pale ale? It's nice. Pale ale. Pale ale. Pale ale, yeah. Pale ale. Somebody, a friend of my parents said,

oh, they started collecting owls. And I said, owls? You're collecting owls? And then I realized they're from South London and they were actually saying, owls. And I said, owls? You're collecting owls? And then I realised they're from South London and they were actually saying, owls. Owls, yeah.

Collecting owls. Yeah. They were similar to the people who got married in Top Hat and Towels. Top Hat and Towels. All true. At this point, you're kind of putting a Christmas party

on the list almost right with your mulled wine your beer and your vol-au-vent yes becoming a bit of a Christmas party

yeah well by the way mince pies when are they supposed to be eaten I like them I do actually like them so that's why

they're not on my list now but what no but like what point in a meal is a mince pie what is a mince pie where does it feature

in the diet I don't understand heated up with custard is it a meal is a mince pie... What is a mince pie? Where does it feature in the diet? I don't understand. Heated up with custard. Is it a dessert? Is it a dessert then? Yeah. I don't know if that's been sanctioned. It's got sugar on it, I think.

It's got sugar on it, but I don't know if you can do that. No. I don't think that's official. You just eat it out of the case. Yeah. As a sort of thing you have. Well, I don't know where it's supposed to function in a meal. It's not got a proper place, has it?

It's never had a proper place in a meal. I like them in spine. It's more of like a snack with a cup of tea. A snack with a cup of tea. So it's like a cake. Yeah. Like a carrot. Yeah.

Like a carrot. Like a pastry. Like a pastry. Yeah. Like a pastry. Put one of your cigarette ashtrays on top. Yeah. Put it on the telly.

Yeah, put it on the telly. Okay, so mulled wine and beer are going to be your... Mulled wine and beer, yeah. Okay, right. Yeah. Mulled cider, I didn't care for that either. I had that once at a festival. Yeah.

Trying to jazz up cider. Yeah. And it's just hot cider, isn't it? Cider in a microwave. Well, I don't care for that. What festival were you at in the winter? I think that was Glastonbury or maybe something like End of the Road. In the summertime?

Yeah, when the weather is fine. Yeah, they went through a phase of doing it. I'm sure I haven't made that up. Has anybody else had a warm cider drink at a festival? No. You've had it. You nodded. You've had it? Or you're just trying to reassure me yeah it needs to feel okay am i okay yeah yeah um yeah we here uh okay uh mulled wine and beer

are going to be your drink choice yeah yeah thank you very much uh tom now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. I'm sorry, what are they and why are they so bad? My least favourite film... Film first.

Well, again, because we're going along with a Christmas theme and it's not necessarily a Christmas film, but it's shown around Christmas and it's The Sound of Music. Audible gasp from the room. Sorry, kids. Sorry. I hate that nun. Everything she stands for, yeah.

And I love Julie Andrews. I love Julie Andrews. I wouldn't have a bad word said against her. And I love Mary Poppins. It's one of my favourite films. Yes. But Sound of Music, I just think, I thought you're getting up to leave it's not having it um I I just don't care for that yeah blow your nose the um the um I don't I just find that the whole smug singing thing and

and that whole like she's a nun but she can't make up like who goes who does that I don't know what to do with my life oh no I'll become a nun

and go oh I quite fancy this captain up the road see you later sister mother Mary what's her name

I don't know I've got no idea and then it's got good tunes in it yeah but I just think it's a bit sm in it. Yeah. It's got good tunes in it. Yeah. But I just think it's a bit smug

and children skipping around. There's no edge. There's no edge to it. No, okay. You want it to be more edgy. I want an edgy sound of music, yeah. Should someone remake it more edgy? Yes.

Because I've just remade Mary Poppins. I've got no idea what that's like. Well, I'm... Did you see it? On a plane. Okay. Before it crashed. Yeah. And I was glad glad to be honest it was a

merciful really no i'm very fond of the original so it's kind of impossible to yeah to like that so a more edgy a more edgy sound of music um maybe where i don't know the the kids even the teenagers are just skipping around a conservatory. And then she falls for the postman who turns out to be a Nazi. It's just all a bit like, what? I just, I don't know. But if she'd,

I don't know, got out with her brother, that would be fun. Be quite Shakespearean. Yeah, quite Shakespearean. Imagine if they checked. Yeah, these are a few of my favourite things no no

no I don't think that's true either no I don't know they I just it's sort of a bit like in that sort of

50s 60s is it 60s vein of kind of like all a bit sort of Doris Day yeah which I always

I've never really been mad on a Doris Day filmy. Yeah. Which I always, I've never really been mad on a Doris Day film. Okay. But, you know, like maybe a Judy Garland film. Great. Yeah. Tragic. Yeah.

Great. Okay. The Edge. Something sad you feel like you're going through with her. You feel like she's connecting with you. Okay. But Julie Andrews' sound of music, what's she doing?

She's skipping off in the hills all the time. Yeah. Painful for the rest of your life. Painful, yeah. Okay. But Julie Andrews sound of music, what's she doing? She's skipping off in the hills all the time. Yeah. Painful for the rest of your life. Painful, yeah. She'd be a nightmare on a desert island as well. Yeah.

Singing all the time. I have confidence in everything I see. I have confidence in me. Well, fuck off then. So London, aren't I? I'm sorry. Yeah.

Not very Christmassy. I know, yeah. I'm sorry about that. Sorry, F I'm sorry about that I said F a lot haven't I yeah it's the time of year yeah okay

Sound of Music is going to be your film choice and what's going to be your song well obvious I had two choices

one was what was the first well the first one was the Christmas because we talk about Christmas. The one that goes, it's Christmas. Oh,

oh. Relating, I point you to my earlier points. I don't like that tone in life. I'm like, guess what everyone?

It's Christmas. Are you hanging out? Is that the same song even? I get those all mixed up. It is, yeah. It's Slade. No, I'm not. No, I'm not doing that.

What are you going to do now? I think the title of that film is Merry Xmas Everyone, right? Is that what the song is called? Merry Xmas Everyone? Yeah, I think so. Merry Christmas everyone. Oh, maybe that's a different song. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I don't like I don't I don't I don't like it people shouting imagine it it makes it makes me think of remember those programs about nightmare neighbours

mmm it's sort of people shouting a lot yes it's Christmas mmm okay yeah I wouldn't like that

no also all songs by UB40 oh yeah everything everything by UB40 Oh yeah Everything Everything by UB40 Yeah Can you name one that's good?

There is one good one What one? It's called If It Happens Again Well it didn't thankfully There we go No one has it Oh is it a good song? It's a good song

But I know what you mean I don't know it just doesn't doesn't make me feel anything no except annoyance yes okay no and it's usually played on something like magic okay yeah yeah maybe or heart maybe you're one of those radio stations that plays like four songs and no one's gotten onto it yeah yeah someone said this to me earlier it's just like no you don't realise but that's it it's like LBC has just got the same person

phoning in going well why won't they honour the will of the British people yeah yeah they just have that person on a retainer yeah

yeah and we've got Mike here from Colchester what are you going to say Mike well I just think you know it's outrageous that the politicians won't honour the will

of the voting public why won't they give them up yeah well you're another person who seems to have put the same question across and yeah everybody gets very smug about it yeah but um but he's actually the same person i think it must be yeah he just travels around changes his name uh so ordinarily we'd go to the final part but we've asked asked the audience to do some of their own Desert Island Dicks, what they would choose.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah, it's fun, right? So I've got them in this lovely bag. Oh. Frozen bag, Christmas theme, right? Lovely. And what a trick, Miss,

that it's not a cooler bag. Okay. It would be a great opportunity for an insulated bag, wouldn't it? That you could take to the... Yes, okay, that would be better.

For frozen goods. Yes, that would be better, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's good. They have missed a trick. I imagine they do... I imagine merch-wise, they're doing fine. Yeah, I think they're doing alright. I think Frozen has a con... I think the investors in Frozen are

absolutely fine. I think they're okay. They're not worried about it. They own several desert islands. Okay, I wondered, did you want to pick some out? Oh yeah. Why don't you pick them out and read them? And then,

we've not had a chance to vet these. Let's give it a go. This is from Rod, Jane and Freddie. They say, why won't the government, oh,

wow. Why won't they, why won't they just carry out the will of the British people? Yeah. It's the chances. Oh, it does say that.

Yes, LBC was down tonight. Do they all say that? Yeah, they all say that. Jordan Henderson. Okay, yeah. Footballer. He's a footballer. Oh, please.

Yeah, okay. I'd say no, your audience, but you're the audience. No, your person on stage. This one. Oh, I thought these were the people who had... I thought these were people in the audience, and then I started reading and I was like, no, no. The first person they put on the list,

and fair enough, Ted Bundy. Hey, wow. Very literally. Fair enough. Fair enough. Good choice. and fair enough Ted Bundy okay hey wow very literally yeah fair enough fair enough good choice the next one Gemma Collins

oh wow not the first time the last one Lewis Capaldi mmm Lewis no I always get

Lewis and Peter confused yeah okay yeah Lewis is the singer yes yeah Scottish singer they didn't acknowledge who that was from okay fine you gonna do one Lewis and Peter confused. Yeah, okay, yeah. Lewis is the singer. Yes, yeah. Fine.

Scottish singer, yeah. They didn't acknowledge who that was from. Okay, fine. Are you going to do one? Yeah, shall I do one? Cool. This one looks long.

I'm not doing that. You're not supposed to look. Okay, let's have a look. Some raffle this is. Do they win anything? No. Oh, this one's Chris Martin. Oh.

Oh, Coldplay. Coldplay. Does it undick? Who said that oh here we are why do you hate him so much man with long hair

who I imagine likes heavy metal oh okay it's interesting eternally optimistic you'd have to be like Chris

we're not going to be okay yeah oh look at this one this is cute Bill and Ben the flowerpot men how often are you Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men. How often are you experiencing Bill and Ben,

the flowerpot men? Yeah, I mean, that is an unusual choice. Who said that one? Nope. No one wants to answer that. It's quite obscure,

isn't it? But good. Maybe haunted as a child, depending on their age. But they want to have their own little language. Yeah, they did. Flubberdob, that's it.

Flubberdob, yeah. That's great. That would be a bit annoying on a desert island, wouldn't it? Wow. But also, if you were a vegan and you were stranded

on a desert island, you could eat them, right? Right? They're plant-based. Yeah. Yeah. Something to bear in mind. And then you could turn

the flower pots upside down And plant things in them Or maybe use them to house some patek I'll let you read this one This is interesting This gets really interesting Oh no Such beef in the room

Such shade in the room The guy sat on the bench with glasses His moustache Oh It's a His moustache. Oh. Wow. It's a nice moustache. Stand up. Stand up.

Oh, no. I love that. You've got a good moustache. Who said it? Who said it? Show your face. Show your face. It was you.

Oh, wow. Do you know him? Do you know each other? They look like Mumford and Son. This is great. You do look a bit like Mumford and Son sat on the bench. Do you want to borrow my waistcoat? Wow.

Oh, I'm sorry you've come here out of the goodness of your heart and had your moustache humiliated. Yeah. There's not even a reason to dislike him. Why do you dislike his moustache. I know. Humiliated. Yeah. There's not even a reason to dislike him. Why do you dislike his moustache? Because the four of them look like Mumford and Sons. Wow. Some people like Mumford and Sons.

Is there one more? Oh yeah, let's do one more. You finish on one more. Someone's written on a tissue. A paper towel they've got out of the one of the many toilets we have sandwiching it. And nor any of those cunts on LinkedIn with guru, ninja or fans only in their bio. Wow, that's so mean.

I'm always getting a ninja trying to add me. That's so mean. I'm always getting a ninja trying to add me. That's great. Really? I'm not on LinkedIn, despite being bombarded with invitations by dear friends. Yeah. Is that the sort of thing people put on there? Yeah.

I'm a ninja. Well, I'm like an office, I'm an accounting ninja. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I guess. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. That would be terrible. I get a lot of notification by a ninja. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, I guess. Yeah, okay, yeah, they would be terrible. I get a lot of notification by a miniature. You know, because I'm just so... Anyway, Tom, thank you very much. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh, I think probably sloths.

Sloth? Yeah, because I've been booked... Sorry. I've been booking to go on holiday to maybe Central America or South America. And people are like, but yeah, if you stay in blah, blah, I can't think of exactly where they were saying. But like if you stay in one of the places, then it's really great because you can go walking through the Amazon and you can go and see the sloths.

I don't want to do that. Yeah. I want to go and look at an animal that sleeps all day. So, yeah, I mean, generally, people have said to me, like, what sort of holiday do you want? Do you want to go and see, like, historical monuments or maybe go into the rainforest and see some animals? And I think, no.

No. No way. No way. Thank you. I just, yeah, it's one of those things you feel obliged to do i think yes i don't i do like animals but i don't really feel the need to go and look at them isn't that strange yeah yeah but i feel like other people like that but maybe i would like it if i did it show me one on instagram that's fine yeah i'll take that even a dog fine well i mean i love dogs

i love dogs um but i um i just yeah i don't know why I don't feel drawn to like go around the world and look at animals I don't know why I don't know what's wrong with me easy to catch though on a desert island do you need to eat one

a sloth yeah oh that's true yeah no I'm gonna be vegan when I get to there I've got all sorts of targets for myself

yeah I'm gonna go vegan I'm gonna get a six pack on the island it's gonna be the new me me William Shakespeare get a six pack. On the island. It's going to be the new me. Yeah. Me, William Shakespeare. Get a suntan.

That woman from Olinstein and that really annoying person who loves Christmas. We are going to look pretty hot. Yeah, and sweaty. And sweaty. Normally at this point, Tom, I say thank you very much for coming on.

It's been excellent. Oh, sorry. No, you're No, no. Okay, well, that's your truth. And I ask, what are you doing now? Where can people see you if they want to see you? Right here now? Yeah.

With their eyes. They can see me on uh well apprentice you're fired yeah when you put this out we have two more episodes to go we've done the penultimate one we did that yesterday oh and um we have the final next week um well for on you're fired uh one spoiler i don't mind telling you is we're gonna open with a tap dancing routine it's a very serious BBC to business show very it's all about the business and the choreography yeah so that's I'm excited about that it's Wednesday and any live shows coming up no okay I did I'd like to contour maybe end of next year but I'm not sure at the moment okay I don't wanna you don't know

like rush into it you've got to do it you love it you love what you're doing and I think I really should have some new experiences in my life to talk about

because I need to buy a home for myself and not live at home with my mum and dad okay yeah so I need to do that and then have something there to talk about

otherwise people will be like what's wrong with him like yeah like the last show he talked about having to live at home because he can't afford his own house something there to talk about. Otherwise people will be like, what's wrong with him? On the last show, he talked about having to live at home because he can't afford his own house. And he seems to have made no changes in that.

Well, thank you very much, Tom, for coming on. Tom Allen, everyone. Thank you. Thanks for coming. This is really fun. Thank you so much.