Desert Island Dicks - TOM HOLMES

Episode Date: October 4, 2018

NEW DICKS! My guest for this week's podcast is comedian and host of The Gaffer Tapes Podcast, Tom Holmes. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and host of the Gaffer Tapes podcast, Tom Holmes. Hello. Hello, mate. Nice to be here. Yeah, no, thanks for coming down. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. Yeah, good, good. Tom, as always, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first choice? Let's dive in early doors. I think, number one, it's got to be Kirsten O'Brien.

Kirsten O'Brien. Do you remember Kirsten O'Brien? Yes, I do. Should the listeners not know, do you want to fill them in? Okay, so Kirsten O'Brien is, I believe, she is the original annoying children's TV presenter. I don't think there was an annoying children's TV presenter before her. I grew up with the likes of Andy Peters, Andy Crane. You can always trust an Andy.

I think even Toby Anstis was knocking around at the time. I don't mind Anstis, I love my hands up, he was a nice guy. But yeah, Kirsten O'Brien sort of came along towards the end of my childhood. I'm not saying that's why my childhood ended because she sort of turned up and went, no, I'm not having this. I'm going to become a grown-up. Yeah, she was just, she had everything that was, she was

overly enthusiastic, which I can't stand. She's patronising. There was just something very, very odd about her and i have this theory right because i've got a little boy you've got you've got yeah you've got kids yeah yeah um i uh i've got a little boy and i watch a lot of cbb's and cbbc and a lot of that stuff love it i love it i'm supposed to be like you know uh mentoring him and nurturing him and having interactive play we just sit in front of cbb's a lot of the time. But it's the children's TV presenters that I just can't get on board.

I have this theory that none of them like kids, right? And I also think that not only do they not like kids, I think that they would jack it in for anything. Like if you said to one of them, you can have three episodes of Hollyoaks if you just punch a kid in the face, they'd be bang up for it. Oh, my God.

They'd be like, all right, go on then. Because I just think they just want to be famous. That's all it is. There is some that I can think of that I think, yeah, definitely want to be out there. Oh, definitely. They're just, yeah. And like, for example,

every time that they sing a song or something, you can tell there's a couple of the girls that really try to sing. They're thinking, I bet there's a TV agent, a sort of musical agent watching. the girls that really try to sing they're thinking i bet there's a tv agent a sort of musical agent watching and they're really trying to sit there twinkle that was quite good that was all right i'm hoping there's a music agent listening um but they're just doing that and you think i guarantee if you said to him right you can have a platinum record but just you know set fire to an orphanage or something. They do it. They do it. Oh, God.

But no, yeah, there's just something about them, I just think. And she was the, like, the original one, you know? Yes, okay. So she's the original one of those. The original one. The original sort of, like, she wanted, she thought she was bigger than it, really patronising. You could just tell she doesn't actually like kids.

Yes. You could just imagine the sort of conversations that go on in the sort of CBeebies dressing room guy yeah yeah probably gonna um probably gonna go on celebrity master chef end of the week you know stuff like that yeah a lot of gesticulating i see um so yeah there there is definitely a few there's one guy i think in cbb's actually that he's just waiting for an in at bbc Oh, absolutely. I'm sure there's a few. I'm just watching him and I'm thinking, you are not into this at all.

No, that's right. And that's what it is. It is what I think is a bit of an in. Don't get me wrong, there's some absolute brilliant... I was going to say, is he an entertainer? Mr Tumble, for me, love him. Actually love Mr Tumble. Justin Fletcher, I think, is absolutely fantastic.

But you can tell, you can look it in his eyes, and you can tell he loves it. He loves that. That is his thing. He hasn't got any other sort of hidden agendas. He just wants to entertain. Then you've got someone else like Mr. Maker. Oh, Mr. Maker.

See, Mr. Maker, just dead beyond the eyes. He's like a shark. He's like a shark. He's absolutely dead beyond the eyes. He is. And you can tell he just thinks, God, what am I doing? One day. But he's in too deep. He's in a shark. He's like a shark. He's absolutely dead behind the eyes. He is. And you can tell he just thinks, God, what am I doing? One day.

But he's in too deep. He's in too deep. He's Mr. Maker, isn't he? There's no way you could just pop up on, you know, hosting Match of the Day, could he? You're Mr. Maker, mate. Go back to, you know, gluing whatever it is. Toilet rolls to...

Doing a minute make. He's doing a minute make. Doing a minute make. Exactly, yeah. Justin Fletcher, he must be on a mint. Yeah, every time you mention it, you can Google how much they're worth. It's not as much as you think, but he's comfortable.

He's comfortable. He seems comfortable, but he's bloody earned it. I'll tell you that. So Kirsten O'Brien, did she do acting? Do you know what? I'd mentioned this to a mate the other day, and he said, oh yeah, she did that programme where she tried to get on like in Nuts magazine or something,

tried to do, like, a topless dick. So I'd add a little Google. It was in my day job, so it wasn't safe. It wasn't safe. I'm in trouble, I think. But, yeah, she did, like, a little BBC Three documentary where it was like, can I get my boobs out and will I be more famous if I do? What?

Well, we haven't heard anything from her for quite a while, Like, can I get my boobs out and will I be more famous if I do? Once. Well, we haven't heard anything from her for quite a while, so I assume not. I assume everyone went, well, put them away and get out. Oh, my God. Get out. That's amazing that she did that. Apparently so, yeah.

Okay. But, yeah, she's just one of those people. She just reminds me of the sort of person at work that comes in on their day off to show off their kid yes you know like just too enthusiastic or like running around high-fiving everyone because it's friday yeah yeah you know brings in a cake i brought this back from from greece god when when you chose her i like i was like off the top of my head i didn't know i was just i recognized name. Googled her straight away. It brought back memories, childhood memories. Yeah, I think that's what it is.

Yeah. Yeah, she was sort of, like I say, towards the end of the childhood, but it's still there. Serious over-enthusiasm is there. Yeah, that is always a problem for me, overly enthusiastic people. Okay, all right, Kirsten O'Brien,

who's going to be your second choice? Number two is Pete Doherty. Pete Doherty! Did you say Doherty be your second choice? Number two is Pete Doherty. Pete Doherty. Did you say Doherty or Doherty? I've always said Doherty. I think Doherty, yeah. I think Doherty. Very much like Kirsten O'Brien is the original annoying children's TV presenter,

I think Doherty is the original sort of try-hard hipster. I think he's the original hipster, Pete Doherty. Definitely. Don't get me wrong, I like the Libertines. I do like the Libertines. I do like the Libertines. I wouldn't say I'm a massive fan, but I've got their greatest hits on my phone. That's kind of the level of fandom that I've got.

Yeah, I think that is enough, to be honest with them. I listen to that What a Waster song from the Football Factory every time I'm going to the pub. Just to get me up. By the time I'm in there, I'm like, yeah, come on! Come on, let's have it! But yeah, Doherty. The thing time I'm in there, I'm like, yeah, come on. Come on, let's have it. But yeah, I, yeah, Docherty.

The thing with Docherty is, is everyone says he's, oh, the thing is, he just doesn't give a shit. He just doesn't care. He's just so rock and roll. He just does whatever, man. Yeah, he doesn't care.

Look at him. That is very carefully thought out what he does. He does that for a reason. He's trying too hard. I saw a photo of Pete Docherty once. He was papped outside his house, right? He came out. He was wearing too hard. I saw a photo of Pete Doherty once. He was papped outside his house, right? He came out, he was wearing two hats.

Now, by definition, it takes more effort to put on two hats than it does to put on one. By definition! It's like, should I pop on one?

No, I tell you what, I don't give a shit, man. I'll pop on two. And people go, wow, he's crazy. He's not crazy, he's trying far too hard. Oh, it's so annoying.

It just puts a load of elastic bands on his arm it wears deliberately wears or socks so I thought of him

he had like a hundred elastic bands wow how long did that take? I saw a video once of inside his house and he was like he was playing a song

like inside his house his house looks like like your mate's nans that hasn't been changed since the 70s that's just got like weird trinkets and stuff everywhere he went and got those His house looks like your mate's nan's that hasn't been changed since the 70s. It's just got weird trinkets and stuff everywhere.

He went and got those and put those there. He went and got them. He put them there. Yeah, he's done it. It's all very, very carefully thought out. It's the deliberate odd socks. It's all that stuff. Did you see?

He was actually in the paper a while ago. He ate that massive breakfast. Did you see it? Yeah, I did see that. It was a huge, huge breakfast. And someone took a photo, but they didn't realise it was Pete Docherty. So they went, homeless bloke eats massive breakfast. Did you see it? Yeah, I did see that. It was a huge, huge breakfast, and someone took a photo, but they didn't realise it was Pete Doherty, so they went, homeless bloke eats massive breakfast,

and it's Doherty. No way. He's got this huge breakfast. It's got, honestly, the biggest thing you've ever seen in your life. Bigger than a dustbin lid. It was huge. And then he ate that whole thing.

But I reckon that's that sort of thing. He's like, do you know what? I haven't had breakfast for seven years, but I'm going to have seven years' worth of breakfast in one fucking morning, mate. Oh, God, it's so annoying but I had a mate

who loved Pete Doherty and just like suddenly got into him like read a book about him and then started acting and dressing like him like one day

he just came down the pub wearing a dressing gown like what are you doing like again that takes more effort to just pop on a dressing gown and come down the pub it's like right

I'm ready I've got my keys got my phone right or actually better run upstairs grab a dressing gown and come down the... It's like, right, I'm ready. I've got my keys, got my phone. Right, or actually, better run upstairs, grab a dressing gown, pop it on. Were you coached by the front door? Nah, pop a dressing gown on, mate. And come down the...

He just turned up and everyone went, what are you doing? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with your jeans and T-shirt that you had on yesterday? Exactly. Oh, God. It's just...

It really annoys me. He really encapsulates a type of person. That person with that look, with the hat and the cravat, the skinny jeans and the winkle pickers. Do you know what I mean? There's like many, many versions. But then as soon as everyone else was wearing that, I bet he changed.

I bet he stuck on a pair of baggy Bermuda shorts. Yes. Ironically, of course. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Just you're trying too hard. A lot of people do that. I know a girl who dyes her armpit hair.

Wow. I mean, because you're just trying too hard. It's like, yeah, get used to it. I don't give a shit. Well, you do give a shit because you've dyed your armpit hair. You're trying very hard there. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. It's so premeditated. It is. I've never thought about that before. They're just trying too hard. I've never thought about it. Yeah. But it's like he just decided one time he was just going to be that guy, and that's it.

Yeah, that's it. That's what it is, yeah. He just decided, yeah, I'm just going to do this. I don't give a shit, mate. Next time... If you think Pete Ducky doesn't give a shit, you are stupid. That's very, very clever, what he does. Yeah.

Yeah. Trying very hard. I guess he's the king of that type of person. I never thought of it like that before. But it is so premeditated. I think I was even suckered into it. I don't look up to him or anything. I like the Libertines.

I can't say I've ever bought a Libertines album, but I might have seen them live, but I can't remember, so maybe I haven't even. I'm on that level of Libertines. If a song of theirs comes on, don't look back into the sun. Great song. Great song.

But I never thought about everything behind it. That's it, yeah. I don't think that if you listen to the libertines, then you're like that. You're the sort of person that walks around with two hats on. No, yeah. But he is. He is.

He very much is the daddy of the hipster slash try-hard. Okay. Definitely. All right, Pete Doherty's going to be your second choice, and who's going to be your third choice? My third choice is going to be an unnamed comedian. Oh. So, I don't, I'm not going to name him,

or her, it's a him. I'm not going to name him on the podcast, but, yeah, so I have this comedian,'m not going to name him or her. It's a him. I'm not going to name him on the podcast. But yeah, so I have this comedian and I had to Google him. He is still a comedian. He's still going around. I haven't heard a lot about him, but he's still knocking around. I had to check that he hasn't been on your show. And he hasn't, don't worry, but he might end up being.

I don't know. I'm trying to, I'm really trying to get it. I'm hoping you're going to tell me after. Oh, definitely. Okay, good. All right okay good all right great great okay please then so uh so yeah so basically so i i did i've done stand-up since like 2011 i don't do it so much now i just sort of host a little bit but back in about 2013 it was it was when i was hitting it full-time and we were all like really really going for it and and i did this uh gig and we were sort of all the comedians sat there and this guy this comedian he just kind of walked in and was straight away hi yeah yeah yeah just sort of like not looking you in the eye just sort of looking around for the

next person who is sort of uh the biggest name yeah looking over your shoulder who can i talk to next that's better than this guy uh it was like that. Oh, wow. And he instantly, I think he'd just won a competition, I'll narrow it down slightly. I think he'd just won a competition or something. And he was, yeah, he was just, he kept saying, so are you guys being wined and dined by agents? I said, I'm not, mate, no, no. And he'd go, oh, right, yeah.

Next person walking in, hey, mate, are you being wined and dined by agents? Just because I've had a couple of meetings, I'm just bloody meeting with George Avalon. Oh, God, there's... Just leave me alone. Stop phoning. Bloody hell. I'm having a nightmare.

And the next person coming in, are you being wined and dined by... Oh, no. So then I was talking about gigs. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm doing this gig. I'm doing, like, the opening middle. I'm not going to pay for it, but it's, you know, quite a good gig coming up.

And I was clearly looking forward to it. And he went, yeah, they asked me to do that. I said, no way pay for it, but it's, you know, quite a good gig coming up. And I was clearly looking forward to it. And he went, yeah, they asked me to do that. I said, no way. And they said, all right then, do it and we'll pay you. And I went, no, it's still not worth my time.

Like that? And I'm just going, I want to do this gig. And he's going, no, not worth my time, mate. So I thought, he's a knob. And he left and all the rest of the comedians

were like, yeah, what a twat. The gig got pulled. I never even saw him on stage because there wasn't enough audience. So we just all had a beer and just had to go home again. One of those.

It was in those days. Where, at Edinburgh? No, no, no. This was just in London. Okay. Just in London somewhere. I can't even remember where now. And this was at the time,

so I was only like about 18 months into my stand-up. And I used to do like a weekly blog, like how my gigs went this week, stuff like that it was like a little diary of an aspiring stand up comedian

and I mentioned in it never mentioned in my name but I said god I met this comedian didn't stop you know boasting and we all thought

he was a right knob and he saw it and he blocked me on Twitter I didn't follow him on Twitter he didn't follow me but he blocked me

and a couple of comedians went oh he knew that was about him and I was like oh well fair enough and I didn't really him on Twitter. He didn't follow me, but he blocked me. And a couple of comedians went, oh, he knew that was about him. And I was like, oh, well, fair enough. And I didn't really think anything of it. And then about a year later in Edinburgh, he was there, I was there. And I was doing a show with this comedian, James. We were doing a two-hander. And the guy, this unnamed comedian, came up and didn't look at me,

but he knew the guy I was doing it with. So he was trying to talk to him like they were best mates, going, hell god we're best mates aren't we and he's going oh do you remember that time you remember where we met it was great wasn't it because we've been mates for ages and he just kept doing this and like the bloke changed we were kind of like yeah yeah i thought. I thought, this is so uncomfortable. And then, right, the whole crux of this whole thing, he then decided to impress us both, right, by showing us that he had a condom in his pocket. He just went, he went, hey, look at this.

And just produced a condom out of his pocket and went, there you go. And it was just dumbstruck. I just turned around and I was like, oh my God, this is the weirdest thing that's ever happened. And then he kind of just walked off like, see you later. And just sort of ambled off like, I've impressed them.

Oh my God. It was just the weirdest thing. That is so... But I've spoken to a lot of other comedians who have said, yeah, he's a very, very big-headed comedian. And comedians are like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all like, yeah, he's a very, very big-headed comedian. And comedians are like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all like that.

But he's just one of them name-droppy comedians, very clicky, and he's latched onto a couple of comedians that do quite well. I was really hoping that you would see him again for the story, but I knew what was coming. It's so awkward, that meeting after that time. It really is, yeah. And I knew and he knew.

And he used to stand outside our gig and just be really noisy, trying to make everyone laugh, running around going... Like that. Really? Yeah, with his condom in his pocket. It wasn't unraveled.

He hadn't unraveled it. No. It was still in the package. I was going to say, it wasn't used. Look at this. He wasn't wearing it. He wasn't wearing it either. He went, hey, look at this.

Hold on to his pocket. Pop that on. Pop that on. Yeah, so that it either. He wasn't that. He went, hey, look at this. Hold on to his pocket. Pop that on. Pop that on. Yeah, so that was weird. I just wanted to tell that story. I don't know if I've ever told that story. Really? Yeah.

Apart from on the blog. Apart from on the blog, yeah, which no longer exists. Oh. So, oh, it can't be found. Did you have to take it down? No, I just couldn't be bothered to pay to host my website anymore. What is the point of a comedian who has a website who was

like gigging back then like you know at gigs that were just getting pulled so no point absolutely no point yeah amazing okay unnamed comedian the unnamed comedian what's it like though the comedian culture is it generally quite like other than this is does everyone tend to get on? Or is it like... Behind each other... Edinburgh's a funny one because it is like, it's very much that trying to find someone who's more important to talk to. All the time.

And, yeah, yeah. And do you know what? To sum it up, so comedians at our level would maybe boast and talk about gigging with someone who's on telly regularly, like Hal Cruttenden or someone like Terry Alderton, James Acaster, like that. I used to be like, oh, yeah, gigging with Acaster or whatever.

But then you talk to those guys. Like, I gig with Hal Cruttenden, and he was talking about gigging with Michael McIntyre. The way that we talk about... He was like, I was gigging with Michael McIntyre the other day, and I was chatting to Mike. Okay. And it is like that.

It's very much a boasty sort of... It's kind of doing the same thing, but just at whatever level you're at. Do you know what and I was chatting to Mike and like, you know. And it is like that. It's kind of like, it's very much a boasty sort of. It's kind of doing the same thing, but just at whatever level you're at. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay, okay. And kind of like the level that the people that I started with

are now on telly a lot. Right, okay. Which is, I'm fine with it. I don't care. No, it's great. And I love to see him on telly. Love to see him doing well. But luckily, yeah well but luckily yeah

but luckily this guy never seen him don't know what he's doing so he's obviously not going he obviously didn't get wined and dined enough okay

interesting although maybe maybe he's still waiting for the dessert I don't know yeah maybe that's what it is okay

unnamed comedian I can't wait to find out who he is yes you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips

and ads.com now that's l-i-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Food? Yes. It was a tough one.

I basically just ate anything. But American breakfasts. Ah, okay. So I've been to america several times yeah um showing off there is wine and dine in america obviously earning a bit more now absolutely um yeah no i went i've been to america a few times and the my problem is that you can't have sweet stuff on a breakfast no ridiculous yeah i i had what i thought was a filling i love a full english i love a fry up it looked a bit like a full english but so he had like I thought was a full English. I love a full English. I love a fry-up. It looked a bit like a full English, but so it had like,

it was like syrup on sausages, mental. Pancakes next to bacon, not for me. No. Cinnamon over all of it. What's going on? I like French toast. You know, eggy bread. Yes, nice.

Classic eggy bread. But they have it. They have it sweet. They make it with sugar. Yes. They put sugar over the top of it you have cinnamon and bread no no no do you just have it as it is dip it in a little bit of ketchup or something get some worcester sauce on there man absolutely even that but um yeah it's the it's the sweet and you know sweet and savory that i don't like together like if i'm hungry i can't eat a biscuit or some chocolate or some sweets i'd be sick yeah you need something sandwich yeah you need

specifically it has to be a sandwich if i'm hungry and i'm not eating a sandwich i'm furious yeah it has to be a sandwich um yeah no i just can't eat sweet stuff and like and one morning i was a bit hung over and i was like i needed something and i had i had this and like everything was sweet the sausage was sweet no that's no no wonder there's a obesity problem oh matt it's mad like you go to i think it was i don't know if it's vegas i think it was vegas we went and they did like some limited edition big mac which it was like a double big mac but it just had bacon in it as well oh i mean wonderful like you had I had a week in America and I just came back and I just

I felt ill oh you do I felt like I needed to yeah because you want to get involved you think oh we don't have this back home so I'll have a go oh yeah

but then you have a go like every day and then you just come back and you've got a right go on oh yeah we went to a buffet place my missus was eating ice cream for breakfast she was like this is the best

but the second day we went she was like no I'm over it I'm over it it's horrible went to the ice cream again for breakfast ice cream and fried chicken for breakfast oh my god

that's mad no I just couldn't do the sweets though it makes me sick I haven't really got a sweet tooth no not at all sweet enough yeah okay

that's what it is alright American breakfast I've had them I've been there I've had them yeah how do you feel about them no I don't like it

yeah and like it was the first time I had it and they were pouring maple syrup over the bacon i thought this isn't this isn't for me it's not right they do have other options today and you can just get away to get something nice get some nice savory stuff go get a nice yeah go to denny's or something they do nice little breakfast exactly but you need to make sure to say keep all that powdered sugar yes yes mad powdered sugar that's crazy yeah um okay food american breakfast and what's going to be your drink choice drink is probably boring you've probably had this uh

several wow okay sambuca sambuca i've got a real fit it's vile yeah there's absolutely nothing good about it i can't i just can't understand it's like the people that drink it but still hate it go cool i've got some sand but and you're doing it go oh my cousin's like that he like the people that drink it but still hate it. Go, I've got some Sambuca. And you're doing it and go, oh, my cousin's like that. He wants a drink to make him sick. He's like, come on, let's all be sick. Oh, no. Just have a lovely drink and sit down. Is your cousin really young?

No, he's not, which is weird. And he's a teacher. And he's a teacher. Yeah, really weird. They're the worst teachers. Yeah, well, he only goes out about twice a year, but goes out and goes mental. Goes big. Black Sambuca.

Oh, my God. Oh, he used to work at a pub. And they brought in, like, big. Black Sambuca. Oh, my God. I used to work at a pub, and they brought in, like, it was cinnamon Sambuca, black Sambuca, and some sort of red Sambuca. And people were just doing it. Oh, this is disgusting.

Let's have some more. No, don't. It's fucking horrible. Yeah. Oh, I've had some bad experiences on Sambuca. Listen, Tom's face right now is a picture. Oh, it's genuinely making me feel sick. Yeah.

The thought of Sambuca. The thought of having it. Anything. And a CD. Worst thing about Sambuca as well is if you're going to drink it you're a bit drunk or you're like walking back to the table

and you spill it a bit on your hand it's just this like sticky stink of Sambuca on your hands. It's horrible. I used to have like an Italian guy who used to come into the pub at night. He used to come in order one Sambuca

and just sort of sip it because apparently it's good for digestion. Oh right. He used to come in at the end of the night he'd obviously just had his dinner and just sip his little Sambuca and just sort of sip it. Because apparently it's good for digestion. Oh, right. He used to come in at the end of the night, he'd obviously just had his dinner and just sip his little Sambuca and then leave. What? Take him like 10, 20 minutes to sip and then go home.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. If I was on the island, that was the only thing I could drink, I'd be, I don't know what I'd do. Yeah, that's it. Because there's only so long you can drink your own piss before you stop producing it. Do you know what I mean?

I was thinking the same thing. Because I would drink my own piss. I'd rather drink my own piss than Sambuca,, do you know what I mean? I was thinking the same thing because I would drink my own piss I'd rather drink my own piss than Sambuca of course as long as you were hydrated enough on the plane the first one wouldn't be that bad I imagine. The first one would be fine I think the first one would be quite nice if anything yeah, oh no it's horrible horrible stuff

yeah so many times I've had Sambuca and it just doesn't end well at all. Never never never whoever invented it is evil I told an anecdote on my podcast where i um where i shit in my own hand when i was younger what do you mean as a result of of uh of yeah sambuca just shit in my own hand you just shit in your own hand yeah like um were you going i was going between pubs and and I thought, I'm going to... Shit.

I'm going to... Well, no, I thought I'm going to fart, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to part the ways. Part... Oh, my God! Part the cheeks, just in case. And, yeah, just actually shitting my own hand. Yeah.

Then went to another pub and signed up to do just wash my hand and then signed up to do karaoke then realised it was all down my trousers then I had to go

into the toilet flush my pants clean myself in the sink so I just sat on a sink with my trousers around my ankles

just washing myself just blokes coming in just had a little had a little gentleman's wash pulled my trousers back up and just went and sang karaoke

Bon Jovi Bed of Roses it was Bed of Roses great song Had a little gentleman's wash, pulled my trousers back up and just went and sang karaoke. Bon Jovi, Bed of Roses it was. What? Bed of Roses? Bed of Roses. Great song. And yeah, they used to record it on cassette and give it to you. And the next morning I woke up with no trousers on, tasting Sambuca, thinking, oh my God, what's happened?

And put the tape on and it was just me. I want to live. And then going, I shit myself. Gary. Gary, I shit myself. I want to live. Oh my God. So that's why you shouldn't drink Sambuca, kids. And then going, I shit myself. Gary, Gary, I shit myself. I want to live. Oh, my God.

So that's why you shouldn't drink Sambuca, kids. You may fall in shit, but you might come up bed of roses. I couldn't do it. Something like that. There's something there. That's probably what I would have written if I was writing a blog at the time. Yeah. Okay, Sambuca.

Wow, I think that story is one of the most mental stories anyone's told on this podcast thanks for that's lovely yeah that's crazy I mentioned it on my podcast which is supposed to be about

fantasy football but it was quite it was a lot longer than that it was like 20 minutes I really I really went into detail about the washing myself and the seeing

how I couldn't flush the pants it was it was wonderful it's absolute gold alright drinks Sambuca yes fortunately for you

you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least

favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song what are they and why my least favourite film film film first have you ever seen Green Street yes right what did you think My least favourite film... Film. Film first.

Have you ever seen Green Street? Yes. Right. What did you think of the film Green Street? I can't really remember. I know it's Elijah Wood. A guy, I think he's Australian. So he's actually not Australian, that guy. He sounds Australian, but that's him trying to do a Cockney accent.

He's Charlie Hunnam. He's like some kind of... I think he's from Newcastle. He's got some weird sort of transatlantic accent. Okay. Yeah, but he's actually not Australian. That's him doing a Cockney accent. Right, okay. And that film, my selection isn't actually Green Street.

Okay, okay. But just to set it up a little bit, that film starts with all the West Ham mob because it's about football hool in all the West Ham mob, because it's about football hooligans, the West Ham mob, they see a load of Spurs on a train platform and he says,

the opening line is him saying, he's supposed to say, blimey, if I'd have known we're going to a bar mitzvah, I'd have bought me a skullcap. But he says, blimey,

if I'd have known that we're going to a bar mitzvah, I'd have bought me fucking skullcap. So I thought, this is going to be the shittiest film ever. I watched it, hated it, hated it.

But my film is Green Street 2. Now, Green Street 2 is worse than Green Street. Have you ever seen Green Street 2? No. Oh, my God. I didn't even know there was one. Mate, there's a three. No, there's not.

They made a three. So Green Street 2 is the worst film I've ever seen. I hated it so much that after I purchased... Oh, no, it was bought for me on DVD. I wrote a review on the HMV website. I couldn't find it because HMV's not a thing anymore. They've still got the website, I think, but they don't have any of the reviews, unfortunately.

Right, so at the end of Green Street, spoiler alert, but someone dies. No! And they all get banged up. They all get sent to prison. So Green Street 2 starts where they're all in prison and they've put all the west ham lot and all the millwall lot who were in the big fight they've just put them in prison

together right that's the first thing you think that's a bit weird so they're all uh in prison together right and uh it's a very american influence like it must be american producer director american money because the prison scenes are all in like a dusty yard they're all wearing orange jumpsuits and there's always like mexican blokes with tattoos lifting weights and it's supposed to just be in london that's mental crazy and there's just all the classic uh really um what's it called like the really cliched like warden comes up and goes you better watch yourself harris oh what gov it's all like a fucking load of shit.

And then at the end of the film, they realise that there's, hang on, there's too many people in this prison. What are we going to do? I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll have a football match between the West Ham lot and the Millwall lot and whoever wins gets released from prison early.

Yeah. They get released from prison early. Oh my God, that is insane. And it's one of them. That is insane. None of the one of them. That is insane. None of the main cast are in it from Green Street One, except for one bloke, who was like the fifth most important person in the original film.

And he has to hold this whole film together. As if they could just do it off the back of only getting one person, the fifth. Yeah, exactly. It was crazy. And so they go and they have the game and. Yeah, exactly. It was crazy. And so they go and yeah, they have the game

and he scores the winning goal at the end and they all get released from prison like, yay! And then the final scene is he's at home with his wife

and she's like, I'm so glad you're back and he's kissing her and I think he's, you know, thinking it's been a while, I've been in prison. And then she goes,

hang on a minute, before you do that, I don't think these guys would be too happy if we go upstairs. And then all his mates just come out like, yay you do that, I don't think these guys would be too happy if we go upstairs. And then all his mates just come out like, yay! Like that, coming out the fridge, out the fucking dishwasher. Hello, mate! Oh, bloody hell!

And they were like, it's like the end of a family episode where they all go like that, yay! Like, as a joke, oh, my God, it is mental. It's so bad. So, like, how is this getting past any... I don't know. The budget would have been ridiculous. Yeah.

The budget in the first one was massive. Yeah, just everything about it is just the worst film. Like, having a football game, and the loser has to stay in prison. The winner's just, see you later. Is that what's happening now? Committed a murder? Sweet, OK, no worries.

You've just won at football. You've just won at football, see you later. You've just won at football. See you later. And it's just like, and then they're all out. Bye. And then there's a third one where they're all cage fighters.

No. Yeah, I know. What? I actually know someone who's in the third film. But yeah, can't slag that off. But I haven't seen that one.

Maybe it's brilliant. Okay. I'm sure it is. But yeah, oh, unbelievable. Green Street 2. Go and see it just for a laugh.

I love that you watched it knowing full well what the first one was like. I felt bad because it was my big brother bought it for me. He thought, Tom likes the Football Factory. Yes. Get him Green Street 2. It's like when I started doing stand-up, everyone was like, Tom likes stand-up comedy.

Let's buy him Russell Howard's DVD. He must like John Bishop on DVD. No, I fucking don't. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that is so funny. It's really funny how families do that, isn't it? They tag onto that one thing.

Oh, bless him, though. Yeah, yeah. I did feel bad. I was like, he went, did you watch it? I went, yeah. Yeah, it's bloody brilliant. Wait till the end. It's great.

It's really realistic, which is the best thing about it. Really real. You should watch it. Prison scenes. Do you want to borrow my copy? Have it, which is the best thing about it. Really real. You should watch it at prison scenes. Do you want to borrow my copy? Have it, mate. Don't worry about it. Keep it. Keep it, yeah.

I've watched it several times. Great. Okay, Green Street 2. Wow. All I remember about the first one, yeah, I remember Elijah Wood, I remember that guy's accent. I don't really remember anything that happened in it,

but I remember at one point elijah would like get sworn into the west ham yeah he becomes gang and he gets a big west ham tattoo on his legs doesn't he yeah something like that yeah he becomes the only thing i can't get past that geezer's accent throughout the whole film that's the problem it's mental i thought it was australian you stand there and you fight like in Maine. That's what we do here. That's South African, isn't it? It's crazy. I don't know. Okay.

All right, film. Green Street 2. What's going to be your song? The song is... It was going to be that Justin Timberlake song. You know that Like I Love You? Like I love you. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Only because there's a bit in it. Exactly that. Exactly that. But there's a bit in it where the music stops and he just talks and it's the cringiest thing he goes I've always wanted this since I was a little boy

can't see I've always wanted this since I was a little boy and he starts going don't worry it's just Justin and it makes me feel sick every time

I can't stand it I've never noticed that before don't worry it's just me it's what I want It's my blood. It's fucking horrible. But for comedy value, my song is going to be,

you know, Shaggy, It Wasn't Me. But she caught me on the counter. It wasn't me. Saw me banging on the sofa. It wasn't me. I even had her in the shower. It wasn't me. She even caught me on camera.

It wasn't me. Yeah, Shaggy, yeah. Only because I think he missed a trick there. in the shower wasn't me she even caught me on camera wasn't me yeah only because I think he missed a trick there so he's saying it wasn't me so the girlfriend's catching him

doing stuff you caught me on the counter it wasn't me she knows it's you don't say it wasn't me just say you've got just say you're a sex addict

he missed a trick just go oh I'm a sex addict there's something wrong with me I'm a sex addict all the celebrities get away with that nowadays they caught doing so i'm a sex addict it wouldn't have been as catchy but you caught me on the counter sorry love i'm a sex addict i'm actually

really ill so i'm kissing on the sofa i'm actually riddled with sex disease i apologize um with sex disease yeah that's not the same thing is it no? You're at higher risk, though, I imagine. I would have thought so, yeah. But yeah, it's just the fact that he's saying, it's not me. She knows it's you. You're presumably talking about your girlfriend or your wife. They're seeing you.

I mean, I don't know what she's doing, just standing there watching you doing it on the sofa and in the bath and all these places. I don't think that's a line. I was doing it in the bath. in the bath and all these places. I don't think that's a line. I was doing it in the bath. They're doing stuff all over the shop and she's watching. Very weird.

No, one of the lyrics is... She caught me on the counter. She caught me butt naked lying on the bathroom floor. Banging on the bathroom floor. Oh, okay, banging on the bathroom floor. It's the XXX rated version. Okay, sorry. Banging on the bathroom floor.

But the thing is, it's quite a nice song to sing along to. But then no one knows Shaggy's bit, do they? No. It wasn't me. And then when he raps... But I realised, I listened to it, and I realised that I knew just the last word of everything. Flex.

From the past. It's so difficult to sing along to. Is that how you sing it? Yeah. So you can't sing along to it even. That's great. Even then, you can't sing along to it. You make it into like an old, like singing a little tune to himself on the way to the shops.

Like, go pick up his newspaper. It's like, it sounds a little bit like... Yeah singing a little tune to himself on the way to the shops like go pick up his newspaper yeah it's like it sounds like a little bit like pick out big gun yeah a little bit yeah i think that's shaggy was hugely influenced by uh i think they were called the rednecks that bad rednecks yeah very much very influenced by but yeah i don't like um not a big fan of shaggy anyway no i don't know what he's chatting about he just makes it up no yeah but yeah that song i just think mr trick could have said that he was a sex addict. Yes. And he would have probably got away with it. Don't say it wasn't you.

She knows it's you. She's watching you. And she's like, okay, you're a sex addict, that's fine. Okay. Got me on the counter. What is it? Banging in the shower.

It wasn't me. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't me. Shaggy's just recently done a collaboration with Sting. Did you see that? Really? Shaggy and Sting? They do a tour. It's like Shaggy's just recently done a collaboration with Sting did you see that? really? Shaggy and Sting? they're doing a tour, it's like Shaggy and Sting

I had to make something for it I don't know anything about it apart from they're doing the tour together trying to think of a it wasn't the police it's just awful take that bit out Roxanne flex flex It's horrible. Take that bit out. Yeah. Roxanne.

A-di-ba-di-ba-di-di. Flex. what oh i hate them i don't know what it is i've just always had a thing about elephant seals they're just ugly ugly things what it's just like probably the ugliest animal in the world it's like it's like a big seal but it's just got this huge nose like that comes out no yeah that's crazy thick nose and it's like massive teeth and it like just huge fat it's like jab at a heart but with a massive nose i'm gonna going to search this right now. Hang on. Terrifying. Terrifying things. Massive noses.

Because seals are really nice looking. Yeah, but it doesn't look anything like a seal. Google it. Oh, no! There you go. That ain't no seal. Elephant seal. Wow, I urge anyone listening to this to search elephant seal. That is...

Well, I'm not showing you, but you know what it looks like. Elephant seal ugly in you'll probably see an even uglier one yeah they're horrible things elephant seals wow horrible

I don't know what it is no that is unbelievable yeah that is terrifying that is terrifying imagine one of them just but the thing is

the way they walk they just kind of like drag themselves and like bounce along the the floor. Imagine one of them chasing you around an island. Honestly, I said it before, but, like, everyone should search that.

That is the thing of nightmares. That is, isn't it? That's, oh, my God. That is a dreadful, that's kind of like red eyes and stuff. That's scary as hell. It's a little bit like Gonzo from Sesame Street. But, like, his fat, aggressive uncle. But also...

That doesn't even look real. So, so weird. They're horrible, aren't they? They're weird, droopy. Why do they have that? I've always just wanted to slap one on his nose. Do you think it's related to an elephant in any way? I think probably at one point a seal and an elephant made love

and that was what happened. Oh, my God. I don't know. No, I assume it's not actually related to an elephant no no probably not but that is really really weird ugly things aren't they oh i'm really glad that you've introduced me to this well you know that's that's essentially why i'm here isn't it it's horrific man yeah okay all right elephant seal anything more on the poor elephant seal uh no i don't you know what i actually don't know much about it other than the way it moves and it is aggressive

and I've seen them fighting before. Have you? Not in real life, just on the telly. Yeah. On Blue Planet or something? Something like that. An elephant seal,

that is one of the most horrific looking things I've ever seen. It is, isn't it? I'm glad you're so appalled by it. I don't want you to go, oh, that's sweet, what are you talking about? No, but it's like,

next time I'm going for a beer, I'm going to be like, have you fucking seen this thing? Have you seen an elephant seal? It's in a state of this. Yeah, horrible. Okay. All right, Tom, thank you so much for coming in. It's been great. Oh, thanks for having me, I'm going to be like, have you fucking seen this thing? Have you seen the state of this? Yeah. Okay. All right, Tom, thank you so much for coming in.

It's been great. Oh, thanks for having me, mate. I really appreciate it. I really enjoyed it. So tell people about the Gaffer Tapes. Gaffer Tapes is the UK's biggest... I had to read it off our Wikipedia page. Yeah, just we're like the UK's biggest fantasy football... We're a comedy fantasy football podcast.

Yes. Yeah, we've been going for like... It's our fifth season, I think? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, won a bloody award. You won an award, didn't you? But yeah, check out some of our old shows. They're not, like, massively...

We have people that listen that don't play fantasy football. We have people that listen that don't even... They're not even into football at all. Oh, that's great. Yeah, they're just... The thing about it is, it's like, it's got the stuff... If you're into fantasy football,

it's got the stuff you need. It's got the stats that you want. Yeah. But it's it's got the stuff. If you're into fantasy football, it's got the stuff you need. It's got the stats that you want, but it's not heavy on that stuff. It's like it can take the piss out of itself. Yeah, absolutely. There's three of us. It's me, Craig Hazel and Ash Kernsworth. Ash is the expert. He's finished top 80 in the world out of 6 million people before.

What? He's brilliant, yeah. That's amazing. And Craig's the presenter. of like 6 million people before what? he's brilliant yeah that's amazing and Craig's like the presenter he works in TV he's the professional one yeah and then I just sort of

talk about shitting in my hand and stuff so tune in for that yeah so if you've enjoyed this then you'll enjoy the gaffer tapes thank you

oh yeah and if people want to find you on Twitter where can they find you? oh find me the underscore Tom underscore Holmes it's like the worst

Twitter handle ever the underscore Tom underscore Holmes or It's like the worst Twitter handle ever. The underscore Tom underscore Holmes. Or just the gaffer tapes on Twitter. At the gaffer tapes. Thank you so much, Tom. Cheers, mate.