Desert Island Dicks - TOM HOUGHTON

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

James is back in the hot seat and for his first episode back he's joined by comedian Tom Houghton! Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is stand-up comedian, the Honourable Tom Horton. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me, James. Oh, you're very welcome. Tom, talk to me about the title, The Honourable Tom Horton.

How did you earn such a title? Well, I'm straight away going to admit I did not earn it. I got it by default because my father is ex-Chief of Defence Staff, head of the British Armed Forces, former Chancellor of the Tower of London. He was knighted twice, became a baron and a lord. And so when he becomes a lord, I then, because I'm his son, am the honourable. That's incredible. As they always say, I've been sacked

from Weatherspoon I've been sacked from Weatherspoon twice so I don't feel like I actually deserve the title how do you how do you even get knighted twice I don't even know that was something that could happen well not knighted I actually but uh yeah he's now he's a grand knight now is that what you become after a night you become a grand night yes which then uh triggered my mum to every morning coming downstairs to breakfast going i had a grand night last night it was a very good one outrageous she's an outrageous woman i love that that's brilliant that is that is top um okay and the other question i have for you tom is just doing a little bit of research on you.

It said on your social media, former Tower of London. I just want to know, what does that mean? I tried to find out online, but I couldn't find anything. So when my dad retired as the Chief of Defence Staff, head of the military, the Queen made him the Constable of the Tower of London. So he moved into Queen's House, which is now King's House, built in 1540-something by Henry VIII for Anne Boleyn, inside the Tower of London. So he moved into Queen's House, which is now King's House, built in 1540-something

by Henry VIII for Anne Boleyn inside the tower. And so when I was coming up to London, I went, do you know what? I reckon I'm going to squat in there for as long as I can. So I lived in the Tower of London for six years.

Really? That's incredible. What's it like living in the Tower of London? It's amazing. It's an amazing experience. Massive privilege. It is like living in a museum. There are lots of rules. There's 36 beefeaters walking around, keeping you in check.

And obviously you wake up every morning and you've got thousands of people taking pictures of your house. That is odd. I learned very early on to not walk around, don't walk around naked inside your house in front of any windows. You will get complaints. What age did you live there? I moved out last year, so it was sort of my early 30s. During that time, you're going out and you are going and having a lovely big night out with your friends.

You wake up the next day horrifically hungover. There's still just 36 beef eaters walking around how do you deal with that well i i tend to just uh pull the pull the curtains and stay inside my room but if i ever have had a friend or someone you know got lucky and they've come back it's a hell of a walk of shame uh i bet it is i couldn't possibly go to into any more details than that but there's there are there are some people i've i mean i even if i've stayed over somewhere else having to walk back um sort of blurry eyed and then gates and say master tom master tom welcome back big night out that country yeah yeah okay not so vulnerable no no we're talking about being not so vulnerable uh for this desert

island you've had to choose people and things that you'd least like to be stuck with um and how did you find that process i found it interesting i think good there was some that came to mind straight away and then once i'd had that i sort of also thought like what would the combination of things all together on this island be like as well because it's not just like the individual how bad they are it's also how they interact with each other and how they are in the environment with each other absolutely it's really important i think i think i've created my own personal hell yeah that's great yeah i think i've really created a personal hell do you know what i haven't heard them yet but it sounds like you've nailed the brief so on that note who is going to be your first choice for the desert island

oh so my first person uh who has crash landed with me on the island is Michael Ball. Yeah. I, I hate Michael Ball. He annoys me at a level that I can, and I know people like him. I know people do. I know he's on this morning and he's a host of stuff and he's all lovely, but I think he's got, do you know how people have punchable faces?

I think he's got, do you know how people have punchable faces? I think he's got this, he's got one of the most punchable faces I've ever seen. And I sort of, the way he'd sing songs, there's a smugness to it. And do you know what? When the bit that really sealed it to me

was when Captain Tom was doing his amazing stuff for the nhs yeah and then somewhere out of nowhere michael ball slips in and starts getting on a number one single with him and telling him about oh my friend captain tom it's like you've known him for one month michael and then he got that poor old man to sing you'll never walk alone and michael ball you know the trained singer was banging it out and then they got that poor old man to be like let you walk through the door i i and i looked at like michael you opportunistic horrendous smug bastard and so also that's what he'd be trying to do on the desert island,

wouldn't he? He'd be trying to get group sing-alongs. Yeah. He'd be constantly, like, doing scales and stuff. Firstly, excellent choice, I would say. And I think that it's just – I'm all for people joining charitable causes. If you're a celebrity and you can put a name to something that is doing good, that's great.

Why not? Do some good with your status. But I would say Captain Tom was doing all right on his own. And for some reason, Michael Ball decided he was just going to get in that slipstream and all of a sudden become the best mate of Captain Tom. I was like like it just seemed so completely unnecessary oh yeah and imagine if we were on the desert island if we're on the desert island he'd be singing that song for morale wouldn't he oh you'd be tired you'd

be walking around the desert island and he'd be like hold your head up high i just how about you bury yours in the sand michael how about you do that I think as well like I'm all for people having talent but and and like yeah sure you can be good at something but you are right in the fact of there is a smugness with Michael Ball that you can't overlook I feel like so much so much it's that every time you see even when he was in Les Miserables yeah yeah I know you know which literally means the miserables and every song he'd have this cheeky grin on him it's like you're in you're starving in the French Revolution Michael like don't look like you've just had a nice supper and a glass of sherry like just come on well that's miserable that would be the difficult

thing on the island as the as the months and weeks and months go by and you're all withering away but then he just had still has this smug look on his face like michael let us wallow in our own self-pity yes exactly so it's the smugness it's the smugness and it's the constant singing for me that would do it this is excellent okay I feel like you've started very, very strong here. So, Tom, who's going to be your second choice for the island? Right. I've gone for a really random character here. And it's Jeff Goldblum's, Jeff Goldman's boss in Independence Day. Now.

Right. Now. Tell the listeners, for those people. Do you remember who this guy is? Yeah, yeah. So you very kindly reminded me. And then I went and watched a video. And all I needed to see was about two minutes of this video.

There is an awful lot to unpack. But, like, remind the listeners, should they have forgotten who this person is, who Jeff Goldblum's boss in Independence Day is. In the original Independence Day, Jeff Goldblum works at a, is he a journalist or is he a firm? I think he's a journalist. Yes.

And Jeff Goldblum's character is called David. And his boss is this quite sort of portly, raspy guy who sort of speaks like that. Oh my God, David, David, David. When the UFOs arrive, that man does not keep his composure. He just runs around going, David, David. Oh my God, David, David. david david it's brilliant it's brilliant it's so good to watch it's stuck with me and it's oh my god i gotta call my mother

i gotta call my housekeeper i gotta call my lawyer and um what you don't want in a situation when you're on a desert island who's someone who can't keep their composure and keep it together you've already got Michael Ball singing bloody show tunes if he's running around singing show tunes and the other one's going oh my god we've got to find

coconuts we've got to find a boat we've got to build a dinner hut Michael Michael it's exactly what would happen build a hut. We're making it Michael, Michael, Michael. It's exactly what would happen. The two of them together is a horrendous combination. I think it is, yes.

Also, just less specifically about the island and the interplay between him and Michael, when I watched that clip, the acting is so over the top and it's just like, it's like someone that has done done two or three drama classes that has then been thrown into the the shot pit of like doing a scene with Jeff Goldblum and then there's this bit where he runs up to Jeff Goldblum and like he's like blurts his lines out and Jeff Goldblum is acting back, but you can't escape the look on his face. He's just in disbelief of what he's just witnessed.

It is unbelievable. See, Jeff Goldblum, I'd love to have on a desert island. He'd be great. Oh, oh my God. Yeah, what a joy. He'd be calm. He'd be positive. He'd have fun stories.

I bet he could whittle things. I imagine he's whittled. Oh, his songs as well. does he now sings jazz doesn't he he's the coolest guy i think i i think you know in that sort of like fantasy dinner party stuff jeff goldman is definitely there the fantasy dinner party is essentially the opposite of this podcast isn't it is it is almost exactly that that's like the nicest possible thing. I feel like that is an amazing character. Just like the panic and the complete lack of any common sense in a moment of distress is amazing. And the interplay between that character and Michael Boll and yourself, like where are you sitting in the middle of these two?

I think I'm walking away, to be honest. I think I'm walking to the other side of the island just to try and sort of gather provisions, actually start doing some practical work. Nice. You've watched The Island with Bear Grylls once or twice. You got it down. Oh, yeah, I've got it. I've got it.

Who is going to be your third person choice for The Island? The third person choice for the island the third person and now this is another again i think the perfect trio of annoying characters we've got michael ball the smug won't stop singing the jeff goldman's boss independence day panicky annoying voice my third person is the microsoft paperclip i don't i just don't know i do need you to tell me how you got there first how did you get to this character well james i am a dyslexic man i'm dyslexic i can't spell very well right and so my life has been plagued by this bloody paperclip. Okay. That whenever I was trying to write a document or do something, it would pop up and go, it looks like you're trying to do this.

And it's the most patronizing jobs body admin character ever. And it's just, oh, look, mate, I'm struggling. It's all hard here. Can you just give me a rest? I'll do it at the end. So I figured if you're on a desert island we're tired things are getting heated you're gonna have to have conversations what you don't want is you know is there any water i hope you spelt there t-h-e-r-e i'll

fuck off paperclip that's good it's good it's the it's the real like it's the hermione granger sort of uh pernickety yeah uh character yes which is the the other the other third of the trio that completes the annoyance i i think what what's brilliant about your choices firstly we'll get into the paperclip a little bit more but what's brilliant about your choices. Firstly, we'll get into the paper cup a little bit more, but what's brilliant about your choices is you've really gone for character. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's the way that person would be on the Island and,

and how difficult it would be to be around those three as they are. Definitely. I mean, I also, instead of the Jeff Goldblum's Boston Independence Day, I nearly had Jar Jar Binks. Oh yeah. It's a similar sort of like annoying and um yeah they might have told paperclip would have could also been hermione granger or someone like that you know someone you just know that person who's always just like it's levio thar not levio thar um that's yeah yeah you get them loads on

twitter i mean i try and stay off it as much as I possibly can, but you get them on Twitter and they're like there with an apostrophe. Oh, the grammar Nazis. The grammar Nazis, yeah, those people. It's right on there. But also to go to the paperclip more specifically, when you said you were going to choose the paperclip, I just thought, I don't know what angle.

I'm not sure what the angle is going to be here, but I love the angle that you took with it. I think it's brilliant. And it obviously affected you so personally growing up. I mean, it did because when I started trying to write on Microsoft Word, obviously it was just full of red squiggly lines because I couldn't spell. I just, yeah, so this, again, it's quite a smug looking paperclip as well. It's got a little cocky, like, I know everything.

It is, yeah. And it's really like, do you need a hand? Are you trying to write a letter? It looks like you're trying to do an essay. Oh, can I help you? Yes. Oh, it's so patronizing. It's so patronizing.

So patronizing. And on a desert island, if we're trying to survive here, we're going to get tired. We're going to get sloppy with our dialogue. We're going to make mistakes. Yes, it's true. We need people who are just going to sort of understand, just understand what I'm trying to say.

Don't try and correct every single sentence. It'd be never ending. You need, you need people that can go with the flow a little bit. Right. And I feel like, well, maybe Michael Bull can,

I'm not entirely sure, but he will try and get something for himself out of it. But I feel like none of these characters can go with the flow. They're not very chilled out characters. I feel like it would be quite an intense experience if i was dying of thirst and i'd be like oh we need we need we need to get more water i said water and then the paper clip would pop up and go water's actually spelt with a t you need t and then oh my god where are we gonna the tea from? We haven't got any tea. And then Mike would be like, don't worry, guys.

Hold your head up high. So far, you've created the perfect hellscape of an island. But now, Tom, now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. But unfortunately for you, I'm very sorry, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. for you i'm very sorry it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad the food is first and it's bread and butter pudding interesting choice okay talk me through this this is actually

a lot less complicated than the other ones i just hate it i i don't i can't eat it it's a simple it's when i was at boarding so i went to boarding school from six years old and we would have a variety of varying quality of meals and lunchtime there'd always be a dessert now the top tier ones were cherry pie and custard apple crumble and custard, pineapple upside down cake, that sort of stuff. Wow. Traditionally good stuff. Jam roly-poly. Oh, this is so, what I imagined

would be there. Boarding school, sorry. These are exactly the puddings that I would imagine that would be available. It really was that. Rice pudding, semolina occasionally. Oh, yeah. Bread and butter pudding. It's soggy bread with raisins in it. But it's just gross.

Like it's gross. And it made me, it's the first time I'd been physically sick from eating something. I had to run out of the, the big dining hall. I had to run out and I was sick in the playground. Wow. And since then,

I've just never been able to eat it. And I, cause it's just stodgy it's some people love it as well some people absolutely love it are you a fan no no i would never choose it i would never choose it i have had it on occasion and been like that's absolutely fine it's not something i would go for i am with you and i do feel like up until very recently, I've softened and I pretty much eat anything if it's sweet and full of sugar. But the idea of just having soggy bread doesn't make any sense. It has no structure left. Do you know what I mean? It's just like, you can have custard with something that holds its structural integrity, right? Like a nice piece of pie or something like that.

That makes sense to me, right? Because it's got a nice crispy top and it's got its own thing about them. You put custard on bread, it just turns to like a weird mush. Yeah, exactly. If you spilled milk on bread, you would throw it away. So why would you deliberately? You would. Yeah. it away so why would you deliberately you would yeah you wouldn't then put some raisins on it

and make it into a dessert that's the raisins also the raisins don't complement it either i don't think at all um yeah and also obviously i think on a desert island on a desert island that would be bad uh that wouldn't be a fun thing to eat no it wouldn't no definitely i guess to argue the toss though sustenance wise that would keep you going surely yes it would but quality of life is more important than quantity of life i'd rather die at 60 than uh live to 80 but be miserable eating bread and butter pudding that's true and also you probably couldn't deal with being sick every other time that you ate, if that's what it does to you, right? I would, yeah.

I would, I essentially, yes, I'd be sick every time. So I wouldn't go down. The sustenance would be minimal. No. Okay. And so what are you going to wash this awful bread and butter pudding down with? This is a drink that has caused me many problems over the years. It's a classic from the sort of noughties going out.

It's Cheeky Vimpto. Cheeky Vimpto. Remind me, what goes into a Cheeky Vimpto? Yeah, so it is Smirnoff Ice and Port. Isn't it WKD Blue and Port? No. And you can also put WKDBlu as well, yes. Oh, wow.

That is... There are various small combinations you can use, but port in an Alcapop essentially is what it is and it destroys you. This is back in the day when you'd have the strawpedo, the reefs and the aqua

and the Smirnoff ices. Yeah. And everyone would, you'd buy like slippery nipple shots and squash frogs and brain hemorrhages and baby. Do you remember like shot spars used to be a real thing going out? Oh, big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When bombs came about. remember like shot spars used to be a real thing going out oh big time yeah yeah yeah when bombs

people don't do them anymore about yeah there was like yeah exactly jager bombs became a thing but then like you'd go out to someone's like go and visit a friend at university and they would have like lad bomb or like the um i don't know like uh the killer bomb and it would have like like three shots of vodka and a and a wkd and a something else and it's just like it just became unnecessary yeah i remember that time yeah have you not heard the word straw pedo in a while i haven't heard it for ages back to memories i just i can feel the bottleneck with the straw wrapped around in my hand as the thing just disappears down my throat yeah i can remember it yeah big time there were people the people who could do it in like two seconds just open their gullet and it's just gone it was amazing

so cheeky vimto um for a few reasons it's caused me to be arrested to do illegal activities a few times really talk me through it streaking it's streaking mainly yes uh i had cheeky vimto yes in the squash club in annick and then broke into annick castle um and then the police found us me and my me and my three friends completely naked hiding behind the giant chess set that's amazing what um what is it with i mean like we'll get onto this i think at the end of the podcast but you seem to have quite a connection with um with um like not ancient but like um stately homes like uh ancient buildings no i know they just call to me for some reason you've talked about nakedness in them quite a few times as well. Whenever I see a castle.

Oh, we have, like just being naked in castles. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, everyone's got their thing, I guess. We'll talk about your podcast at the end. Although the second streaking thing was Tiki Vimto in Kingston, and it was into a Tesco's Express. So that's slightly different. Nice.

You've got to, you know, yin and yang. You're a man of the people, really. Got to balance out. Okay, Tiki Vimto. Also, that is sickly sweet. That is a really, that's a tough old drink. Like, if you had to drink that, and that was going to be your only kind of clean drinking water,

in inverted commas, that is going to, after a while, that's going to rot your insides. That's not going to be good. Yeah, it gets you drunk very, very quickly. So, yeah, I mean, there's no chance. That and bread and butter pudding is not a good combination. That's awful. Okay.

It's heavy. It's stod good combination. That's awful. Okay. It's heavy. It's stodgy. Okay. Cheeky Bimto and a bread and butter pudding are going to be your food choices. Thank you very much, Tom. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work. But just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why so as my least favorite film i have selected cats the music yeah i can get behind this okay has anyone else uh selected this are we set are we talking about the original um on video or are we talking about the the recent version uh we're talking about the recent version the original which talking about the recent version. The original, which was just filming the stage, that was great, apart from the trap door in Mr. Mistoffelees fails. But the original is one of the most horrendous crimes to cinema

I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. Okay. I've not seen it. I've not seen it. Talk me through it. Well, you're very lucky to not have seen it. Now to give you um the background i love musicals i was performing cats the musical on my stairs in front of my parents and my dad and his um bewildered looking

army officer friends while i was in a full kit cat leotard at five years old with ears and tail slinking down the banister singing macavity i loved cats it was the first musical i ever went to see blew my mind it was great then it's tom it's tom hooper who directs it a guy who i don't think is actually a good director i think he got really lucky with the King's speech. And then everything else has been just mad. Firstly, everything's wrong about it. The casting is horrendous. The CGI is awful. You know, the cats have like human faces and hands.

Oh, I've seen stills. I've seen stills. They look awful. They have hands. Yeah. And sometimes, I think there's one time, they have hands. Yeah. And sometimes like, I think there's one time like Judy Dench is wearing her watch. Like,

cause they just haven't bothered to take it off. They, uh, Kat is also, Kat is also about the choreography. Like the amazing thing about the, uh, stage show is that you're seeing people seeing these incredible notes whilst

doing cartwheels live. And you're like, Jesus, how, whilst doing cartwheels live and you're like jesus how how are they singing that while i'm doing that physical action that's amazing so they decided in the film to cgi a bunch of the dancing which is like that takes away the the main attraction of cats it's just so lazy it feels like it's horrendous the choreographer is a it says like from the guy who choreographed hamilton the musical now i don't know if you know hamilton the musical but that is a musical that is famous for it it's yeah so that's famous for its lyrics and it's rapping in its wordplay it's not famous for its choreography no they don't really they're

not moving around loads yeah No, they're not. So why would you, with Cats the Musical, a thing about acrobatics, people being cats, being agile, get the one thing from Hamilton that wasn't an important thing? Why would you get the choreographer for that? It was such an odd decision. It makes no sense at all. It doesn't.

It doesn't. It makes no sense at all. It doesn't. It doesn't. It makes no sense at all. It's like they just wanted to put a well-known name on the poster. It's exactly that. It's exactly that. James Corden, I think, I'm sure he's been on this Desert Island Dicks list before.

Many times. He's not naturally funny. He's not a funny person. No. So him, him as Bustopher Jones was, that was awful rebel wilson as jenny any dots horrendous i'll tell you what ian mckellen does gus the theater cat pretty well

i'll tell i'll give ian mckellen his juice he does it all right that's all right everything he does i think is good the thing is with cats i want to just know being a fan growing up what was your anticipation for the film like you must have been really looking forward to it so to be honest actually the buzz around it was so bad leading up to it okay um there was no one was going everyone was like in agreement that this is going to be the worst thing ever it just looked bad the pr press release images looked bad i'd heard the reviews that were like this is the worst thing that's ever been committed to stage uh to screen so me and my girlfriend at the time we so we went

to the cinema to watch it and it's the only time in the cinema where the entire audience just started talking because they just thought this is so shit no no one's going to care. No one cares. Normally, if someone starts talking in the cinema, people shush them, people chuck the popcorn, you know, they get angry. But the whole audience, collectively as one,

all went, nah, let's just talk. And we all just talked over the thing. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. Yeah. You're on the desert island, right? And it's your only source of entertainment. So you're putting it on every now and again

just to check if you can get anything from it, you know, concentrate on Ian McKellen. And then you've got Michael Ball turning up and chiming in with some of the songs and singing along. And you know he would as well. You know he'd really try and sing memory. He'd be out there. He'd be out there like on the beach,

staring out into the ocean just doing midnight not a sound from the pavement oh and then the microsoft paper clip would be like pavement is spelled p-a-v okay cats the musical is going on the island um island. And what's going to be your song choice? My song choice is Hosanna in Excelsis. This is very, very good. What a strong choice. Okay. Talk me through it.

I was a choir boy as a child. And I mean, I'm not a religious person at all anymore. And I don't like church. But the one thing I did like about church is singing hymns. Um, and I, I mean, I'm not a religious person at all anymore. And, um, I don't like church, but the one thing I did like about church is singing hymns. And there are some bangers out there and Christmas carols, especially great. Oh yeah. Yeah.

The thing is, is that what the reason I selected this song is because obviously this song is, I'm assuming in my head it's, it's playing on repeat the whole time we're on the island. Yeah, yeah. And it's because it's got the longest held syllable note that I know of in a song. It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous. Which is a glory. Wow. Glory. Wow, well done. That was good. That was good. I think that was the correct amount of time it is, but can you imagine having that constantly playing at you? And again, Michael Ball would be doing riffs oh yeah he would be

harmonizing with it yeah he would badly i went to catholic primary school and secondary school um similarly to you i um was brought up like an irish catholic family and um we went to church we'd go to like christmas at school they'd do like masses and they'd have like a Christmas assembly. I've encountered this song many, many times. And, you know, I don't follow any religion now. I'm talking about it like it's a football team, but I don't at all. And that's, you know, that's my own choice. But yeah, it always seemed odd.

And especially when you're younger and you're at school and you used to have to sing this song, it seems so embarrassing like to be around your friends and just be there doing this so singing along it was just like oh it gives me it gives me a strange feeling in my stomach yeah i think about it it's it's it's also it's one of those um because of the long note it's one of those notes who do you know do, it's one of those notes who, do you know in karaoke, you never want to have, when someone sings karaoke, you want to hear someone butcher a song. You never want to hear someone who can sort of sing, really try and sing. Yes. And this is one of those carols where people who thought they could sing would really try and sing that note

yeah and you just go oh it's so embarrassing yeah yeah just like it's it's cringable it's horrible i'm cringing now um if you're gonna sing it just shout it two excellent choices thank you very much we're nearing the end of your horrific desert island but finally i have to ask the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why this is going to be so controversial and i've picked penguins yes an interesting choice what so so talk me through this why the penguin i'll tell you why. Because penguins are everywhere. They're everywhere. Every single, everywhere I look, they are so overdone.

I am so annoyed with penguins. Every nature documentary, it's always penguins. The march of the penguins. Bloody Morgan Freeman doing the narration of the penguins. The bloody Madagascar penguins, happy feet, then Mr. Popper's penguins. It's like,

we get it. We get it. People like penguins. And I've, I've seen so many penguins now. I just, I can't, I just switch off.

I just, they're too overexposed, too done, too much. Leave me alone. I'd never noticed this before, but you're right. There is a fixation with penguins. They're everywhere. And people love it. Oh, there's a penguin.

It's like, yeah, have you not seen this for the last 15 years on every program you've ever watched? We know. We get it. We get it. They're funny and they waddle around and then they're really agile in the water. We get it. Oh, yeah. They're wearing a tuxedo.

Yes, I know. I've had this for two decades of my life now. We get it. Penguins are funny. They're like that dad joke your dad keeps saying at Christmas. Yeah, we've heard it. We've heard it. Do something else.

What's so funny the way you talk about penguins as if they were only invented 15 years ago so they just came into being or came into the zeitgeist penguins got cool 15 years ago guys come on but do you know what i mean though do you know when you're like i used to love blue planet um you know earth life all those DVD documentaries. But then every single bloody episode, an iceberg would come in and you're like, oh, here we go. And then a penguin would come around. Oh, this emperor penguin is looking for a mate.

I'd be like, we know. We know. It's the same thing you showed us last time. Let me guess. He's going to get in the water and a seal's going to chase him and he'll just escape. Apart from the personal annoyance of penguins, I would say there's another element here that we should discuss

in which you're thinking about the island more literally. You're here with this group of people and this whole situation that you've set up and the penguins are there. And there's a lot of penguins. And you've been there a while and you've managed to you've managed to start a fire and you're sat around and you're you're like very very hungry you're thinking i need to eat and this is a potential avenue right if you eat meat or even even if you're vegetarian or vegan by that point you want to eat something right and you're thinking there's an awful lot of very fatty-looking birds around.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to kill a penguin. So this, I actually did write this down. That is the other side of the argument. Okay. I hate penguins. But people who love penguins love penguins. They do, yeah. And that means you'd then have to kill and eat a penguin,

which you wouldn't like either. So love them or hate them, it's a lose-lose. It's so true. It's so true. Although if you do pick their wing up, they have a joke written on them. Hours of fun. That's the level of...

I hate myself for saying that no no no I'll see it in your next in your next comedy show keep that one oh that's great penguins are an excellent choice very annoying animal

to have on the island also I think penguins would be an annoying height of animal to have everywhere on the island they'd be like it's like how tall is a penguin? well I think it'd be like it's like it's like how tall is a penguin

well i think it'd be like having an island of moving bollards are they that tall do you know some of them i think that maybe they're a bit small well uh maybe they're not quite the size of a bollard but i think it's about the size of a bollard so i think that's a that's big okay to be honest i can't remember the last time I actually met a penguin in the flesh. I don't know. No, I can't leave you. There aren't many kicking around Borough Market at the moment. No, yeah, I imagine.

But yeah, so I think they'd be annoying to bump into. Penguins are going to be animal choice. Tom, I think you've put together the perfect island hellscape for yourself. And I think, thank you, because this is my first podcast back in the game. And you've made together the perfect island hellscape for yourself and i think thank you because this is my first podcast back in the game and you've made it very enjoyable so thank you very much for that it's uh it's been an honor to be your first guest back congratulations on your return thank you sir um tom what are you doing at the minute where can people find you i know that you've got a podcast and and considering we've spoken about um we've spoken about stately homes and your

nakedness you should probably talk about the podcast first right uh yes so i do have a podcast it's about the secret scandals and sauciness and uh debauchery and horror that goes on inside stately homes and manor houses and castles and it's called bad manners and it's all available on all podcasts interesting channels so what kind of stuff what kind of stuff can can people find on there what kind of things have you uncovered recently we i mean we've done everything from sort of haunted castles to you know like um chillingham castle in uh in northumbria which is the most haunted castle got loads of torture devices um how people were tortured inside the castle, to the Hellfire Caves,

which was a secret satanic sex cult that happened in High Wycombe. So it's very ranging. It gets quite scandalous. A satanic sex cult. It's pretty mad. Okay. The podcast sounds great.

And I'll be checking that out and everyone else should as well. And then as far as your standup goes, where can people see you? Yes. So on Instagram and TikTok, I'm at Honorable Tom. My website is www.honorabletom.com. And then I am going to be on tour doing my new show.

It's Not Ideal in Europe in January, then February, March, April. I'm doing, uh, I think about 60 dates across the UK and Ireland. Amazing.

Amazing. Okay. Well, I urge everyone to go and get tickets and go and see Tom at their local venue. Tom, again, I'll say, thank you.

Thank you so much for joining us on Desert Island Dicks. It's been a pleasure. Thank you, James. Thank you for having me.