Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 1

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Some of the funniest moments from the podcast so far! We plan to do more of these so let us know your favourites @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, dear listener. It's me, James. As you can see, there's no compact dicks this week. Dan's off because his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. So he's busy doing that. But with Dan off, we didn't want you to miss out on your fix of dicks. So we put together some of the funniest moments from the podcast in a format we're calling Top of the Cox. You're welcome.

Some amazing stories and funny clips in this episode, but I'll let you find out that for yourselves when you have a listen we may do a few of these and we'd love to hear your favorite moments from the podcast so far and the best way for you to do that is to head over to at dixpod on twitter and instagram and let us know there and please continue to submit your choices for compact dicks for when dan gets back over at dixpod.com slash contacts in the meantime enjoy this episode i hope you enjoy it bye hi i'm james deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ash Friff. Hello. Hi, Ash, how are you? I'm brilliant. I'm really good. I almost meant a high comedian then. High comedian. Because you said, is it just a comedian now?

And I was like, yeah, all right, yeah. Yeah, just comedian. That is all I am. Here he is, comedian. Just comedian. They'll know me from that. If you just say, if you just put on it, comedian, they'll go, oh, that'll be Ash Griff. Oh, that'll be Ash Griff.

Yeah, yeah, he's a comedian. He's the only one. Ash, should we dive in? Who's going to be your first choice for your Desert Island Dicks? Well, it was an easy choice for the first one. It's my son. Your son? Yeah, straight in.

He is a dick. Is he? He's a proper dick, honestly. Your son? Yeah, I've known him for a long time, and he's just not getting any better. Oh, my God. Why your son?

It all started... and he's just not getting any better. Oh, my God. Why your son? It all started... It all started... You should have seen the mess he made. No, it doesn't matter. He... He... When he was one... So there's a whole list of things that this boy has done.

Honestly, you wouldn't fathom it. I don't know. If he was a mate, we wouldn't still be mates. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? It's still be mates oh my god you know i mean it's that it's like you know the guy that when you go out and he always gets pissed and starts fights and you go i can't hang around with steve anymore no bell end that's it yeah like this kid is pushing his luck seriously when he was one um he destroyed the family home okay he cost

86 000 pounds worth of damage is this this real? Genuine, yeah. £86,000? Yeah, at one years old. What did he do? So he, my ex at the time, we're not together anymore, won't go into the ins and outs on it, but suffice to say I was in the right.

She put the shopping on the side, and in the shopping was a 150ml air freshener, like an aerosol air freshener. Right. And so I'd gone to football, and his mum had gone out, and we had a babysitter there, and while she was going to warm his milk up in the kitchen,

he had grabbed this little aerosol and put it on the hob and turned the hob onto one, and it warmed it and warmed it and warmed it. She made his milk, went into the lounge. They're sitting there watching Teletubbies or whatever, having some milk. All of a sudden, she hears a noise, goes out into the kitchen. The can explodes.

Oh, my God. And the expansion of the gas, it's only 150 mil, but the expansion of the gas destroyed the house. It blew the front and back walls off of the house, so they separated from the house. Oh my God. Every window was broken. The loft hatch snapped in half.

Tiles fell off in the bathroom. There was a fireball which burnt things in the kitchen. It singed the babysitter's hair. What? Flew the patio doors out, which is not a euphemism. And so from... But my mate, who is the babysitter's now husband, he phoned me up at football.

I just literally touched my bum down at the football. And he went, oh, the glass has blown out on your oven. I was like, yeah, that can happen. Don't worry too much. He went, okay. Hang up the phone. And then about a minute later, he phoned back and went, no. It's really bad. You're going to have to

come home. So I drove home, straight home from the football, didn't watch the match and it was destroyed. From the bathroom you could see into his bedroom, the dining room downstairs and the kitchen downstairs, it had separated the back wall of the house off. And when they come and investigated it, they found out that the beam that supports through, that we were like mid-terrace. Yeah. So the beam that supports the house, there was only two inches of brick

holding that on front and back. If that had gone, the whole house would have come down. Oh, my... So, yeah, they'd been dead. That's crazy. It was absolutely mad. But the best thing about it was we'd only made one payment to the insurance company.

We paid £13.60 and they paid out fully £86,000 where you had to move out for six months while the house was rebuilt. They took the front and back off, rebuilt it up and we got a lovely new house out of it. That is unbelievable. That is mad.

That's scratching the surface, the little prick. Honestly, though. Can I unpack a few things from that, though? Yeah, go for it, yeah, please. How is a one-year-old getting an aerosol, putting it on the hob and turning it on? Well, that's what social services said, but no. It was just, you know, he was standing and walked.

He was maybe, you know, one and a few months, I guess, so he was standing and couldn't manoeuvre around. But his lightning hands. He's got the devil in him. Possessed. Genuinely possessed. That is insane. That is one of the most mental stories I've ever heard.

All of the neighbours come running out because it was like a bomb going off. Right, okay. All of the neighbours were out. The fire brigade, the police were there. But a funny thing is as well, we had a forensic scientist come to find the cause. We didn't know what the cause of it was straight away. All of the cupboards blew off in the kitchen. So the kitchen where it happened was just a mess.

Everything had come off the walls. And a forensic scientist come in to find out the cause of it. And he had just been to a fire just up the road, a house fire. And so we had this sort of carpet through the hallway and as he walked in he just trod these sort of silvery ash footprints through the floor and then he looked back at the mess he'd made he went did i just do that i went yeah you did he went yeah that all happened in the explosion so we got all of that moved into like a shiny new house.

Like, it was incredible. So for all the bad he did, we did get, you know, the best renovation of all time. Yeah, yeah. The insurance company were brilliant, though, because I just, I phoned them up, and they were just like, don't worry about it, just, we'll put you up and send us the bill.

So everything that was damaged, we just bought all new stuff, and we sent them the bill, and they just paid for it. That's incredible. It was amazing. They were incredible, to be fair to them. them the bill and they just paid for it. That's incredible. It was amazing. They were incredible, to be fair to them. But your son did this. He did it. And I know that he meant it as well.

You know that he did it with Spy. He's still got a little thing in his eye. You know, every now and again, he's just still got that little thing in his eye. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is broadcaster, comedian, writer and podcaster, John Holmes. Everyone's a podcaster now, aren't they? Have you noticed recently how that has been added to everybody's CV that you've ever met? Yeah.

You know, a guy comes round your house and he goes, so what's the problem? You go, I've got a leaking tap. And he goes, right, I'm a plumber, also a podcaster. And that happens now. It's people, everyone can do it. So, yeah, here we are. I mean, it's just a given, you might as well say.

It is a given. Human slash podcaster. You might as well say human slash podcaster. You might as well. It might just be the catch-all. If John Mulder said, yeah, I identify as a podcaster, it would cover everything, and all those problems and arguments from the various lobbies would go away.

So, during another stint of presenting, this time on XFM Breakfast, right? And as you'll know, if you're presenting a radio show, you often have to go to junkets to interview A-list celebrities about their films. Yeah. Okay. So big Hollywood stars. And you get maybe, I don't know, seven allocated minutes

with a room full of PRs and the star. And you wait outside in the corridor to queue up. And then you're wheeled in as somebody from, I don't know, Five Live or whatever, where it's just wheeled out. It's your turn with this star. Who, of course, I get, right? They are, as part of their contract to promote this film, are sitting in a hotel suite, you know,

bored out of their minds, saying the same thing over and over again about this film. And they're quite, they're very rigorously maintained time-wise, aren't they? There's like, sort of meticulously, you know, as soon as one's out, the other one's in. Absolutely. So it's not always... I mean, I can imagine it just breeds hostility on their part

because they probably just feel like a cog in a massive machine. That's exactly right. But they're the centre cog, right? They're the big name. They are paid a lot of money, right, in order to make a film and then promote it. And to promote a film, at least be enthusiastic about it. At least give something to the poor sod presenter

who's got to come in across town or whatever and sit in a corridor for an hour waiting for seven minutes with you. And if that's happening, you should put some effort in, I think. Yeah, I think that's only fair. Because you're selling their bloody film for them as well. You're then going to go, oh, we've got so-and-so on the programme today and he's talking about or she's talking about whatever it is.

And, you know, at the end of the day, however much that might be an exhausting, tedious thing to do for you, the film star, you could still have the option of taking six months off to live in one of your houses with your family. Also, you're an actor. Act. Yeah.

You don't have to like it. Just do some fucking acting. So, anyway, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wow, Big Arnie. Yeah. Controversial. Big Arnie, big dick. It wasn't that kind of hotel suite meeting.

Is he controversial? Did you, I mean, do you have an impression of him already? No, I don't know. I mean, I think, I say controversial because I think he's a popular figure. Yeah. I don't know if anyone, I don't know if I have an idea think, I say controversial because I think he's a popular figure. I don't know if anyone, I don't know if I have an idea of whether he'd be nice or not. Okay, now I have an idea.

Well, look, here's what happened. But, I mean, there's a lot of people that you kind of go, yeah, we love his films but famously a dick. With Arnie, I think, he's sort of managed the public persona. He's managed to sort of, he's fairly neutral, isn't he? And he's almost a bit of a cult figure, you know. I think you're right. And he became governor of California, public persona he's managed to sort of it's fairly neutral isn't he and it's almost a bit of a cult figure you know i think you're right i think you're right and he became governor of california didn't he you know because he's got charisma you know but so here's what he

did right so i uh got wheeled in for my seven minutes okay and the pr said uh mr schwarzenegger uh this is john uh he's from a radio station called xfm here in london um and uh and and he's you know he's he's next in like that. And he didn't look up, right, for no reason why he should, right? He was reading a coffee table book, right, he'd just picked it up off the coffee table in this hotel suite. And it was like a big art book, like hardback, proper, big old thing. And I can't remember what it was, but, you know,

big glossy pages, that kind of thing. And he was just staring at it, you know, on his lap. And she said again, I'm a swordslinger. I've got John from Mexico. He was probably thinking, oh, it's that bloke Walliams doesn't like. But he didn't, again, he didn't look up. And I thought, well,

he might be hard of hearing. I don't know. He's been around a lot of explosions in his time. Precisely. He's fired around a lot of explosions in his time. Precisely. He's fired bazookas off his shoulder. Yeah. And that's the shoulder with the ear nearest to me. So we can forgive him that. So I thought, okay, that's fine.

Anyway, he's probably a bit jaded. He's been doing this all day. I'm the 25th person here to do this today. So I sort of wandered over, because then, you know, you have to sit next to him to do the interview, while the producer's just sort of plugging in microphones. And I stood directly in front of him,

and I didn't say Mr. Schwarzenegger. I thought, I'm not going down that route. And I didn't say Arnie, because I thought that's a bit familiar. So I went with Arnold. Safe ground, you'd think. What is his name? Well, that's what I think. I said, Arnold, I'm John. It's really nice to meet you. And I held out my hand,

right, to shake. Now, this is pre- coronavirus, obviously, I'm John. It's really nice to meet you. And I held out my hand, right, to shake. Now, this is pre-coronavirus, obviously. It was a while ago. So there's no reason why I shouldn't have shaken my hand. And he didn't look up. Now, I'm standing in front of him, right in front of him. I mean, not a foot away, okay? The book is on his lap.

I am now between the coffee table and his lap. And he's still staring at this book, all right? And I said, Arnold, really nice to meet you. I am now between the coffee table and his lap. And he's still staring at this book. All right. And I said, I said, I said, oh, really nice to meet you. I'm John. Nothing. He then pointedly turned one of the pages of the book. Wow. Right. And I was like, this is weird. What's going on? So I thought, well, and my hand's still outstretched in that awkward way. So that, well, I can either retract my hand or I could do what I did, well, and my hand's still outstretched in that awkward way. So I thought, well, I can either retract my hand, or I could do what I did, which was to put my hand between the book and his face. Sort of reaching across.

So he was literally then staring at my hand. Oh, man. At that point, he didn't take it. At that point, though, he looked up and just stared at me. Wow. To the point where I thought, that's quite intimidating. I'll probably sit down. So I sat down.

Now, that's not a good start, is it? And then I thought, okay, well, the interview, I've got seven minutes. So what I like to do when I'm interviewing a Hollywood type, I don't actually want to pile in talking about their film because I know they're bored of that. So I'll come in with something else I've found out or, you know, standard operating technique, isn't it? So I started by telling you.

I said, okay. X-Men Breakfast with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he's got this film to promote, but never mind that. Arnold, let me tell you this. And he was looking at me by now because, you know, that's fine. There's PRs all sitting around as they do. And I told him a story where a friend of mine went for a job once, a madam to swords, okay, and didn't get the job.

But after the interview, went outside for a fag, in an alleyway at the back, or somewhere out the back, where they were chucking out a load of old waxworks, right? And just stuff, right? And he nicked Arnold's old head. And this is years ago. And then he left it on a tube. He left it on the circle line.

Wow. So I told Arnold that story because I thought it was funny. And just said, say, somewhere, Arnold, your head is going round and round the circle line. That's quite a funny story that you think he could have interacted with, right? Yeah. You know, he could have said, it's going round and round, it'll be back, or something. Anything, anything on,

I'm giving it to you on a plane here. But no, he just stared at me, didn't say anything, looked over at the PR, and just shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, what the fuck is this guy on about? Wow.

Yeah. Wow. I mean, what I keep thinking is, none of this behaviour had started from anything you've done. No. You've just walked in. I may be not just that kind of person.

I don't know. We did it and I gave up doing anything different. I just said, tell me about the film. And he went, yeah, the film is with guns. Right? And that's fine. And then I got five minutes of just every single line he'd said and rehearsed that I heard in every interview that he did

across that PR period. So I went back to work and said to the producer, I said, we're not using that shit. It's boring. Unless we... I tell this story, and we pitch shift his voice up to be that of a chipmunk,

and then we play that out. Yeah. Okay? And he went, yeah, I was yeah i was like yes fine that's funny i said because you know i reserve the right to make him entertaining given he was so boring yeah i think that's fair my show yeah anyway so he did now and he was he did haha funny on twitter right and then someone added him in yeah let's just say right since that moment i am now no longer invited to any arnold schwarzenegger junkets or interviews.

And even though he's been back a couple of times since with different films, I have been pointedly told by the film company that Mr. Schwarzenegger does not require me to come in. I think in terms of your life and sanity, you've probably done yourself a favor by being blacklisted by Arnie there. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements.

Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is absolute radio broadcaster and host of the Game Week podcast, Matt Dyson. Hello there. How are you, Deco?

I'm fine, thanks. The archdeacon of dicks. Finally, he's invited me on. Excellent. Thank you. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I've been looking forward to it too. Speaking of dicks, finally he's invited me on. Excellent. Thank you. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I've been looking forward to it too.

Finally, our schedules have aligned. I'm here, I've got dicks in hand, and I'm ready to go. No problem. All right, let's dive in. Who's going to be you first, Dave? First up, I think I'm going to go with anyone who is on a millionaire's housewife's TV show. Have you seen any of these? That is TV show. Have you seen any of these? That is so good.

Have you seen any of these? Give us some examples. My wife watches them constantly, right? This is part of the reason I hate them so much. We had to get a special sort of content provider called Hey You on our telly so she could watch all the latest ones. They're all around the world, right? It's like, basically, it's rich women with plastic surgery

all over their faces and bodies, getting together to get drunk and argue with each other and hate each other. And it is horrible, horrible television. And they're all over the world. They started off just in America, like in Atlanta or LA, Beverly Hills. Now there's one from Cheshire, I believe. Oh, right, yeah.

They're in Australia, they're in Melbourne, and they're all exactly the same. The exact same formula every single time. Rich women covered in plastic surgery, give them some wine and watch them all fall out. Wow, so you're talking specifically about the real housewives of... The real housewives, that's it, that's them, the real housewives of Beverly Hills.

Of wherever. Or of Melbourne or anywhere. There's loads of them. And it's horrible. That sort of series of programmes is ridiculous. Oh, it's crazy. But... Nothing actually happens.

No, absolutely nothing. They just get together. They live their opulent lifestyles. Yes. And then complain about each other and how much they hate each other. That seems to be it. What's the draw?

Why are people watching it? I don't know. I've tried to get to the bottom of why Katie watches it and she just likes to watch women argue. She just likes to see what they're arguing about, how they conduct arguments, how they bitch about each other behind their backs.

In a way, sometimes when I watch it, I feel myself almost getting dragged in. I correct myself and say, what the hell are you doing? It's not just the women on the show. It's the way they do the show. So on these American shows, they're always teasing ahead for something. So they're saying, welcome to The Real Housewives.

This is coming up later. Oh, there's a woman with plastic surgery who's just bitched about her friend. And then they go, and then that's coming up later. Now we'll start here. And then going into a break, they say then that's coming up later, now we'll start here. And then going into a break, they say, that's coming up later, don't forget about that. And then after the break,

that thing happens, and then after that, they tease back to it and go, remember that thing that happened? It's all just filler. It is filler. I don't know how long an episode is. I think it might be an hour

with adverts and just constant teasing ahead and teasing backwards because nothing happens. Nothing of real interest happens. So when you're watching on these things are you getting it just straight from, is it like a stream from Rookie, you get all their adverts? It's on normal TV. No, it's with all adverts.

And it's just the way they do it on Ramsey's TV in Kitchen Nightmares as well. It's all just filler. Very little actually happens. And they're just constantly building up to it or talking back about it. It's full of filler.

Not even their faces. Their faces are full of filler. And the TV show is just filler. Absolutely zero thriller. The stuff they talk about, I mean, they argue about all sorts of stuff about how they hate each other. And one of the things,

I heard this phrase for the first time ever, scrotox. What's that? Do you know what that is? No. It is because they're so obsessed with injecting stuff into their faces, they now have moved on to their husband's gonads. No. Their husband's scrotum gets Botox put in it.

What for? So it's smooth. No. And wrinkle-free. Like, who's ever cared about the state of their scrotum? I'm quite happy with my wrinkly ball bag, thank you. It's never going to need any work. Who even sees it?

Who sees it? It's like they've gone for the name because it works and then worked backwards. Right, yeah, right. So we've done Botox. Now what next? Scrotox. Scrotox.

Yeah. I don't know how it went from legs to scrotum. Let's just stick it. Scrotox. Yeah. I don't know how I went from legs to scrotox. Stick it in ball sacks. Yeah. Do they want it? No. No one wants it. I can't imagine a man wanting it.

Who's... You've constantly got their ball bag on display. On it, are you seeing people with scrotox? No, they just talk about it. Oh, okay. You don't see the injection. You do... I think you do see them having plastic surgery,

the aftermath and all that. Wow. But it's just such an insane world, a completely different world to my own, but one that I want nothing to do with and never want to meet anyone from. They're all such odious people, man. It's just disgusting.

There's a lot to unpack there. I don't know. From everything that you've just said, I don't even know where to start picking things up. It's a horrible show. But when they get plastic surgery, do you see them there with all their bandages and their bruised faces? I've seen episodes, because it's often on the background, so I see episodes where they are there, they've got the stuff on their nose,

you know when you have your nose done. And they basically, you can look at their faces and you can see everything's been done. It's madness, absolute madness. And because they've got loads of money, because they're all millionaires, they almost would do it again. Just keep doing it. It's like a hobby. It's like a hobby to them. Something to do, isn't it? It's crazy,. And because they've got loads of money, because they're all millionaires, they all might as well do it again. Just keep doing it. It's like a hobby. It's like a hobby to them.

Something to do, isn't it? It's crazy, isn't it? I mean, it's bizarre. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Alison Spittel. Hello. Hello. How are you doing?

Good, good. I suppose we're all having our own version of Desert Island Dicks now, at the moment, with the corona. Yeah, hopefully you can find it a bit cathartic and get stuff off your chest a little bit while you're you're stuck in uh in lockdown over in ireland oh no i'm living in london oh you're in london in ireland i'd be a lot happier and what's going to be your food choice oh so the food choice is going to be uh i'd say this you get this a lot uh calamari i hate calamari

calamari yeah right yeah and and i'm talking about the breaded type i think it comes from a memory where um i went to disneyland paris with my grandparents and it was an all-you-can-eat buffet and i was like happy days i was eight years old the prime my prime i think being an eight-year-old in in disneyland and um i i picked up what i thought was onion rings sat down uh the the texture still makes me sick to this day like yeah it's just not nice. Yeah, it's a very funny... It's like if you described it to someone

and you weren't allowed to say what it was, you're like, no, try it. It's not a strong taste. Kind of like rubbery. Yeah. You know, it's a weird way to describe things, isn't it? Yeah, and I just don't like breaded surprises. I don't like surprises in my food,

especially when it's covered in breadcrumbs. And I feel like i was lighter uh even though i wasn't light it was in french it was very clear what it was if you spoke french and i suppose as an eight-year-old as well that's very uh disconcerting because when you when you go oh what's this and they say oh don't worry it's a squid i mean that's going to be quite scary to an eight-year-old yeah and then someone came up to me last year and said to me uh no they didn't come up to me and then start the conversation with allison um you know they use pork anuses as calamari pork anuses well i mean this came up

in a conversation and then they popped it wasn't like a town crier yeah apparently like um the pork anuses have been found in what was described as calamari rings because they have a similar texture wow but that could be you know what actually that when i said that out loud sounds like a lie i'm just going to quickly type in pork anuses well this is going to be an interesting so it's good we're all uh locked down because if you're doing this at work i mean it could lead to a whole world of trouble oh the the police would be kicking in my door i'd be put on a list wouldn't i um oh so apparently it's calamari's's modest cousin, the imitation Calamari, that has the...

I'd never want to be known as Calamari's modest cousin. Anything's modest cousin. Meet my modest cousin, the pig anus. Pig anus. Yeah, that's it. It's a Calamari... It's a... Is that...

Oh, my... Oh, there's a... There's a calamari. It's a... Oh, there's a website called Is That Calamari or Pig Rectum? Wow, a whole website. Oh, no, sorry. It's an article. Imagine if there was a website called Is That Calamari or Pig Rectum? You could just click on it and it would tell you.

Yeah. Truly, these are modern times so artificial calamari is a pig pig rectum so wow well i'll tell you what i mean i'm gonna throw that in there with you as well i think you know imagine if you don't like one you're probably not keen on the other so i get a choice like a buffet of either calamari or pig rectum. Well, I thought the worst thing was probably to be like a big lucky dip and you don't know which one you're going to get. Like a really horrible version of

Rebels. Yeah. Wow. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Marco Sullivan and Miles Chapman, actors, writers and creators of Lee and Dean. Hello. Hello, how are you doing?

Really good, thank you. Yeah, very well. Yes, a pleasure. Thank you so much for coming in. Can I just tell you, Miles referred to the show earlier as Desert Island Desks. Desert Island Desks. By mistake. Imagine that. Yeah. That had quite a limited appeal. So you go, oak will be mine.

Or black ash. With tubular steel. U's good. U's a pretty wood. Okay. You. Where's your knowledge of desks come from? Oh, just general everyday life. Just general desk

use. You have a small collection in your loft. I love a desk. I felt like I'd gone fairly niche, but Desert Island Desks is a whole new angle. Desert Island Docks, where you mention your favourite docks. My least favourite dock. I'm going to go Albert

in Liverpool. Desert Island Dogs? I'm going to go Folkestone. Folkestone. Is there a dock at Folkestone? Yeah. Of course there is. Boats go from there all the time.

Absolutely, yeah. Probably, in just saying boats, I've really upset someone because they're probably not boats. But are these the docks that you want to keep or are they your favourite docks or your least favourite docks? I haven't got that far to be honest.

No, okay, fair enough. Yeah, I'll be honest. I like Liverpool docks. Liverpool docks, it's good down there. It's fancy around there now. Yeah, it's very fancy now. All right. You're working for them.

Yeah. Mark and Miles. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over, but unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? You're going to talk about your least favourite meal, aren't you?

I am. Now, a good follow-on from Mark. Very kindly said I'm an excellent cook and I do enjoy... Good meaning. Thank you. I do enjoy really good food simply put together. And I'm not an obsessional cook, but I enjoy cooking a lot. He is an obsessional cook.

And when I get a terrible meal, it puts me in a terrible mood. My worst meal, unfortunately, I'm going to have to lay firmly on the doorstep of my wife, Jill. This is dangerous. Yeah. I did speak to my wife about this this morning. I said, are you okay with me saying this? She said, it's fine. She did sort of laugh about it.

Oh, that's the answer you want, isn't it? It's fine. It's fine. Do what you want. If it helped promote the show, what you want. You will anyway. If it helps promote the show, Miles, fine. You will anyway. So she has a meal called a must-go meal.

What's a must-go meal? Right, so you look intrigued. So Jill occasionally, about once a month or every couple of months, opens the fridge and goes, oh, there's so much stuff in it we're not going through. She calls it a must-go, an M-U-S-T. A must-go meal. A must-go.

So a must-go is getting all sorts of things out the fridge that A, don't go together, B, are on the wire of best before. Okay, yeah. And you just get this just really bleak, vile smorgasbord of nonsense on the table that no one really wants. So you get like a... If that was in a restaurant,

that would be the description, an oblique, vile smorgasbord. That's what it's like. So you get a roast potato that's three days old and a bit of coleslaw and some cheese that's kind of on the way. Some salad that if you pick around enough, you finally cut the leaves that are just about edible. And it just puts me in such a bad...

And she goes, I hope you don't mind doing a must-go. And my heart sinks. It absolutely sinks. Quiche. I can't stand shot-ball quiche. That puts me in a terrible mood. I love a shot-ball quiche. I can't stand shot-ball quiche. That puts me in a terrible mood. I love a shot-ball quiche. I can't stand shot-ball quiche.

I've gone for hours about food I can't stand. Jacket potatoes and coleslaw. Fuck that. I can't stand it. There's so much I can't bear. So strong a reaction. I get really passionate about food I can't bear. You don't like a jacket potato with coleslaw?

No, it's just awful. What would you have in a jacket potato? Just butter and cheese. Can I recommend you never go to a garden centre? No. That's pretty much it. We've been a couple of times.

As a garden centre, it's a depressing place to eat. But yeah, a Jill's must-go meal. Imagine having a date in a garden centre cafe. So here's another one. So just adding on, I've just had a date.

Imagine that as your jacket. Very nice. Might get in bulbs later. I really like your face. So it reminds me, that's the other sort of food I can't stand. So a must-go, a follow-on from that is, you know when someone says, oh, everyone bring a dish

to a party and everyone just brings the same shit. You end up with about 20 quiches, 20 flaffles, 20 packs of as the donuts,

20, it's all the same nonsense. One of those basic dips. One of those little packs of tiny little three different types of hummus.

That's it, yeah. In a tower, yeah. It's just, oh I hate it. I can't bear, I can't bear a meal that has no place to be on the same plate. It's no centre. It doesn't speak to each other. I find that abhorrent.

You don't like food speaking to each other. It does. You know, like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about Ponce here, but, you know, ingredients sort of connect. And, you know, when you have a meal that doesn't do that, I get very wound up. Sorry, Mark. You've really painted a picture of yourself here, haven't you?

Yeah, I have, haven't I? Miles and his connecting food. That could be a board game. I might speak to Palatine. Can I just say now, it couldn't be a board game because it's a shit idea. Miles' connecting food. What the twiglets with? Connect twiglets with...

The bin. And here to share their Desert island dicks with us today is DJ and radio and TV presenter Bobby Friction. How are you doing? Hello, Dan. I'm so happy to be discussing dicks with you, of all people. Let's get amongst the dicks, bro. Let's get amongst them dicks right now.

We'll get stuck into some dicks. Good. Well, I'm glad you're up for it today okay and who who would be your third choice to go on the island with you all right the sheriff of nottingham all right sheriff of nottingham nice and a particular sheriff of nottingham not the one from robin hood the sheriff of nottingham who was the sheriff of nottingham when i went to nottingham trent university okay this bastard came for me and I've never forgotten. Really? Talk us through it. This is extraordinary. All right. So the Sheriff of Nottingham, I ended up going to uni

and I mashed up my first year of uni. You know, I didn't really go to any lessons and all that stuff. So anyway, to cut a long story short, the Sheriff of Nottingham was also a lecturer on my course at uni. So I used to get, and he was the main lecturer, the main guy, and I did a communication studies degree. And so he was also the sheriff. And what happened was, I didn't really go to that many lessons.

He obviously thought I was a bit of a dick, weirdly enough, seeing as we're talking about dicks. He thought I was a massive, pulsating dick. I mean, I did wear ridiculous clothes. I'd wear makeup into class. I'd ask stupid questions about race, which wasn't being discussed then. And then on top of that, I didn't do any of my homework.

Then the first Gulf War happened, all right? So war in Iraq, and we loved it. Me and my friends, my close group of friends, for us, it was our 1968 moment. Do you know what I mean? And this was the early 90s. For us, it was like, yeah, it's like Vietnam, bruv. You know, come on, let's do this.

We're going to protest against this war. So the night the war started, and I think, you know, like America invaded Iraq. This is when Saddam Hussein was in power. I look back now and I'll admit, it's toe-curlingly embarrassing, all right? What we did was we blasted Give Peace a Chance from John Lennon, John and Yoko, out of our windows from one o'clock in the morning to six o'clock in the morning on on on on university land where there were lots of halls of residence

and we played again and again at full volume and then possibly someone don't ask me how may have introduced LSD into the situation and all I remember after that is like kind of coming to my senses at about 8 45 in the morning seeing lots and lots of students going to their nine o'clock lecture lectures and looking at us and scowling at us and me realizing I was in my pyjamas and underpants, as were my friends, and that there was a big, big banner made out of hastily stitched together bedsheets saying, give peace a chance, hanging from our halls of residence. Amazing.

So we retired into my bedroom and I don't know how this happened, but whilst we were, I'll just admit it, tripping off our tits, the door opened and the sheriff of Nottingham walked in with this really red, angry face and just launched into a tirade about destruction of property. We didn't deserve to be on our degree courses.

He was going to be speaking to the bursar to see if we could pay for the damage he was thinking of calling the police and in the middle of this tirade he just looked over and we went you're one of mine aren't you you you're one of mine as in i was one of his students and i kind of went and um that was it after that i never went to his class again every time he saw me uh on he would on um on university property he would scowl his face would go red and he'd be grunting and and moaning with hate against me and i remember at that time thinking look all i did was possibly drop acid during the first gulf war and destroy university property i didn't do that much oh and i didn't go to any of your lessons

and um the only way to psychologically survive this entire episode was to paint myself as some kind of latter-day robin hood to everybody so fuck the sheriff of nottingham fuck him and his merry men and all his bastards with with and all all the people he had ranged up against me. Fuck off back to Sherwood Forest. Fuck off, you dick. You're not crashing in this plane with me. That is extraordinary. I mean, I don't think I can better the sentence

than standing there was the Sheriff of Nottingham. I mean, that was superb.