Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 2

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

It's a mother-flipping clip show, as James and Dan have been snowed under with grown up shit that they're unable to get out of, but when the clips are as good as this, who cares? Featuring the choicest cuts of Desert Island Dicks, this should help get you through the week in the way that only listening to people talk about things they hate can. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This week, you may have noticed a lack of both compact dicks and the regular Desert Island Dicks. And that's because things in our personal lives have just got insanely busy of late. What with starting a new business, having a tiny baby and both of us trying to sell our flats. So what has happened is that we've not managed to do them. So as Shakespeare once said,

if you're too busy to record your regular podcasts then do a clip show and we've done just that. It's Top of the Cocks Volume 2 and we've stuck together a few bits from some episodes we've done just that. It's Top of the Cox Volume 2 and we've stuck together a few bits from some episodes we've really enjoyed over the last couple of years for you to enjoy. I'm not going to pretend it's the same as having a brand new episode but it's entertaining nonetheless so hopefully you can still enjoy it and we'll be back to our normal schedule really soon. We've got some really good guests lined up, we just haven't recorded them yet. Also to make it up to you, we're putting out not just one episode, but two, so there's another one that will have come out today as well.

Remember, you can keep up to date with everything we do at Dick's Pod on Twitter and Instagram, and if you want to let us know who and what you'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island, you can tell us at dickspod.com slash contact, and you could be included in Compact Dicks. Okay, on with the show. Here's Top of the Cox, Volume 2. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is singer, songwriter, frontwoman of Skunkinancy, radio host and

DJ Skin. How are you doing? I'm very good, how are you? I'm good, it's nice to have a bona fide rock star on the podcast finally. Oh well thank you very much, I appreciate the title. Thank you for coming on today. How did you sort of find the process of whittling down your choices for the island? I mean do you find it easy to be negative or is it kind of more of a challenge um yeah it's really easy i'm a rocker you know all my songs are dark and about horrendous people um but actually it it was really easy but the thing that was more difficult was people because right now don't you feel like

in the world there's just so much choice um i mean with food and with other things i mean i've just got my my eternal hatreds of things that should never be on the planet. But when it comes to people, God, that list is long. And it got longer this year. Lockdown seems to have bred like a culture of coronavirus wankers, really, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. As the coronavirus got bigger, so did the tosser or the level of tosseration, you could say. Yeah, because I think it's like as well as like the big heavy hitters in in you know the pandemic you know you're spending

a lot of time at home so there's little niggly things that can just sort of like grate at you as well exactly I mean I think that there's a whole group for me in the people section you know conspiracy toss heads you know I I think that that's just a whole group but you made me whittle it down so um yeah should I give you yeah let's go straight into it what do you want to go for well um I think one of the people one of the kinds of people that annoy me the most the most are kind of like self-help gurus um and I would say Tony Robbins is probably my number one all-time hated person in terms of that. Because, you know, I mean, I actually read a book. I had an ex that was really into him.

And so she bought me the book. And I was like, okay, I'm going to read this. You know, I'm open-minded. And I read like two chapters. And I thought, this is just, is it just me? Or is this just common sense written down by a five-year-old? You know, it's just, it seems that they just take the most obvious, most commonsensical, most logical, functional thing to say, whittle them down by process of sieve the sieves get smaller and smaller and smaller until they can find four or five words that are supposed to like sum up everything that they're supposed to do so here you go i've got i

actually researched this and just picked out my favorites right my favorites your past does not equal your future i mean what the cunting fuck is that can i say of course yeah okay what is that your past does not equal your future well no it isn't is it because every year you're a year closer to death so i don't think anyone's past is gonna you know it's just this kind of like you're supposed to read that and go oh like this worldwide you think here's another one you if you can't you must if you must you can i mean this is nursery rhyme stuff yeah yeah for you know and you're supposed to break that down and think that you know you can't you need someone i mean this is a guy that has tears of um like he has the tears of finances that you need to have to be able to go to do his stuff and see his stuff.

So, for instance, to go and see him at one of his big stadium things, the closer you get is the more money you get, like a normal concert. But, you know, you can pay four thousand pounds for like, you know, a couple of front row seats for someone to say to you, you don't have a reason to feel good you're alive you can feel good for no reason at all why live an ordinary life when you can live an extraordinary one I mean yeah and then if you if you actually get to have a one-to-one meeting with him that's gonna cost you a million dollars yeah for an hour it's crazy isn't it because i think with all these people that they're standing there sort of talking about their secrets to why they're successful and it's like no one points out the fact that everyone's paying thousands of dollars to be there it's a pyramid scheme it's a pyramid scheme and the

closer you create this mystique about all the stuff that you know and then it's a pyramid scheme to get closer i mean it's just like uh it's been happening for thousands of years you know and then it's a pyramid scheme to get closer i mean it's just like a it's been happening for thousands of years you know just behaving like gods and pharaohs um and just i find that telling you just really basic obvious stuff you know that if you actually sat down and thought about your life and worked it out especially in lockdown i think people just had time to do that themselves so i just i just think's a con. So I'd say he's probably right up there. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I was going to say, a lot of those things that you say,

like, you know, when he's sort of on stage delivering it with lots of power and presence and everything, like, you know, it's one thing. But when you just sort of say them out loud and read them off a piece of paper, it's like you can just equally imagine them just kind of on one of those sort of cheesy posters of like a beach. Well, that's what they are. Yeah. I mean, sort of cheesy posters of like a beach that's what they are yeah i mean that's that's his marketing you know that's what

they are that's what and there's no difference to me between politician does that um tony ronalds does that a lot of gurus like that so do um you know indian gurus and other people like that who at least have some like years centuries old you know, wisdom behind it. And priests and evangelical people, they do the same kind of thing. You know, and he also says the thing, I'm not Jesus. You're treating me like I'm Jesus, not Jesus. I'm like, well, stop behaving like one. And then, you know, stop behaving like you are the answer to everybody's problems in the world. Because actually, you know, especially this whole idea that everything you do in your life,

yes, it's all down to you and you can change a lot of your life and some people are be able are able to be in the worst situations and can dig themselves out of it but there's also a lot of luck involved in that you know when you hear those like success stories of someone that was born in a slum in calcutta you know having this 15 billion pound business that's that there's in a slum in Calcutta, you know, having this 15 billion pound business. There's a lot of luck in there. Right time, right place, right idea, right people. You know, it's kind of like the evolution of man. You know, the reason why we're here is because we basically killed everybody else.

And there was the dinosaurs died. And, you know, that's why the planet's here. Everything went along at the perfect amount of time. And I think that that's not something that everybody can can achieve to that's why we have charities you know to look after everybody that's why we have national health system all that so i am i just think this idea that you know where everybody's always responsible for everything that they're in yes there is a certain way that you can get out of it but you know there's a million myriad of people who've tried their whole life to do stuff and get tried and they

just haven't had that luck or haven't been in the right place right time yeah it's very easy to to it's very easy to blame the individual and not the system that the individuals are in yeah and also it's kind of you know there's probably people who follow him and have spent so much money like trying to get to this level where they're as successful follow him and have spent so much money like trying to get to this level where they're as successful as him and then when it goes wrong they're just like oh you know like what is it about me that yeah i couldn't well maybe i didn't recite my mantras enough every day or like you know maybe i didn't like visualize the goal or you know something that's how it works so if it doesn't work it's also your fault yeah you know if you can follow

it to the hill but if it's something about you you know oh you know it's actually you could say well you could say it just doesn't work for everybody i mean the ex who gave me the book that followed this actually turned out to be a really fucking nasty cow of all of my exes and i'm friends with most of them this is the only one that i regret every second I was in that relationship with you know there's a myriad of things that were going on behind my back that I didn't know about

that I was not sure about and this is the one telling me that I should be listening to it's like you're searching for your thing but the reason that you're in that situation is because you're a shitty person and just change that about yourself yeah and you don't need to have the tommy robbins book to do that and then you know things might go all right for you you know so um that's my that's my i guess my number one

especially in a lockdown you know you hear all these cliches and it's like you know what it's really hard for everybody right now and the last thing they need to hear is it's their fault yeah exactly and just can you imagine being stuck on an island with the guy as well with that sort of mentality as well oh god i couldn't catch a fish today it's like oh here's why you know i think you need to really drill down into like you know your approach yeah what is it about that fish that you didn't want to catch it? I love it. When I saw the title, I cracked.

I thought, oh, my God, this is the show for me. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is writer and journalist Stuart Heritage. Hello. Hello. Stuart, who's going to be your first choice for the island? My first choice? I think this is a very solid choice. It's Alan Sugar.

Nice. Yes. Okay. Is he Lord now? Yeah. I refuse to call him Lord Sugar. Yeah. Lord Sugar is a status. I don't think anyone, if you are a Lord, a very telling thing that you can do is just say,

no, you can call me Alan, that's fine. If you go around making people call you Lord yeah like you're fucking darth vader or something don't that's horrible he's even changed his twitter name to it it's lord underscore sugar for fuck's sake lord shouldn't be on twitter it should be a level playing field if you're on twitter you don't get to use lord no you should be you should literally have a live in a castle, everything by candlelight, move around on a horse. If you want to call yourself a lord, you have to be an old school feudal lord. Yeah, I agree. And also, something about his surname being Sugar, Lord Sugar sounds a bit like the Chief Sugar Daddy or something, isn't it? Yeah, it's like he's he's the lord of of a thing yeah yeah like like lord

business in the lego movies he's lord of all like everything that's bad for your teeth he's the lord of that yeah lord sweetie and uh and what is it in particular then uh that really grinds your gears about well i mean primarily it's his participation in The Apprentice, which is the very, very worst television programme of all time. I hate The Apprentice. I hate The Apprentice so much. I've written, it was pointed out to me recently, that for the last five or six years I've written exactly the same piece,

which is why is The Apprentice still on? It should just die. And it's exactly, pretty much i'm sure lots of it's word for word i just hate the hate the apprentice um and you know it's he's by far not the worst person it has produced because of donald trump and katie hopkins and people like that but he is nevertheless just to just to continue being a part of a program that promotes the worst excesses of sort of humanity it drove me mad yeah because there's very much that sort of underlying thing of to to be good at business you have to have no morals and be a real dick like that's yeah that's what it is in business you've got to do this or you know my way or the highway there's no there's never a sense of like negotiation or compromise which i'm sure

is quite a big part of business at times yeah and just being no i'm sure if you're that much of a dick the whole time they're just people around you won't want to work with you yeah but he's that i remember watching one early on uh and it was someone had messed up and they were in the boardroom and it was basically it was the guy who was chucked out was whoever like shat on the other person the least yeah and it was it was like you can't you can't ever ever ever admit to a fault that you've done because that's suicide on the apprentice. You can't say, no, all right, hands up. That was a mistake, but, you know, we've learned from it.

And as soon as you say, I accidentally charged three pence more for this, whatever upcycle bullshit they've made me sell at Shoreditch. Yeah. And none of the, sorry, I'm interrupting. No, no, go for it. None of the tasks have anything to do with anything. Like, you can't go and sell sweets at a market

and then become, you know, Steve Jobs or something. And towards the end of a day, if you haven't sold enough sweets, you don't go around running to all the shops near you trying to sell as many sweets as you can for 5p just to get them off your... That isn how business works and as soon as you start doing the maths on the apprentice like you've got a team of at the beginning eight people all i'm gonna stick with this selling sweets thing selling sweets at a market to just dumb tourists and

they might say you know you've made 300 pounds Over the course of a day, split that between eight people. That's incredibly shit. That's just such shit business. I did worse than that. I did work experience. I was more successful than that when I was at school. I get the feeling, though, that all these kind of trivial things are just so that Alan gets a chance to sort of say,

well, that's how I started, selling sweets on the street because I'm Lord Sweetie Pie. And, you know, just you have... I had a wheelbarrow full of tat that I just sold to idiots. Yeah, you just have to, like, shoehorn in something demeaning for the contestants to do

so Alan can give a point about how he's a self-made man. Yeah. And the beginning of The Apprentice, I hate as well, when his assistant phones him at four o'clock in the morning and they've said like you've got four seconds to get to the outer hebrides and they get there and they say he like he turns up on a video he doesn't even get there himself and he says oh today's challenge you're in the outer hebrides

which is near some sea today you've got to sell a cat because that begins with the letter c this doesn't make just it's like three two one do you remember three two one yeah it was just a very cryptic game it reminds me of that so i don't like that and also like you said his twitter feed has just destroyed any sort of credibility that he's got as a human being he's just an angry man who tells a lot he's stupid actually there was he tweeted like three days ago someone uh did a video of lions in the street and and said look they're in this city they're putting lions in the street to keep people indoors and he tweeted is this a wind-up like like oh don't how did you sell things, you hedgehog-looking idiot? Yeah, it's one of those things like Donald Trump as well, isn't it?

Like, you don't seem that bright, and you haven't made that much money versus, you know, how much you potentially could have. But maybe it's just the personality around you is such that people are willing to go along with you for a while or something like that. Like, you've been allowed to become this awful person just because you're a name now, that's it yeah yeah there was a great

story um i read before the very first series of the apprentice which was that he on his wedding anniversary he wrote a card to his wife and on it he'd write like best regards alan sugar i can absolutely believe that yeah it's a mark of his closeness that he actually dropped the lord for his wife but still regards alan sugar only five people get to call me alan these days one of them's pierce morgan yeah he does seem awful and and to be on a desert island with him as well i mean he wouldn't get stuck in but he'd just he'd just rate all your efforts throughout the day he'd just see it as a new level of the apprentice he'd only be able to see you in terms of the apprentice game

show yeah which i'm fine with because i mean i could i could whatever collect coconuts and sell them to crabs i don't really is that is that how it would work you're you're the owner of this island is that yeah i mean i think you've got to make it your own really i mean uh i just think you know you're all scrabbling to survive and he's just going to be sitting there you know he's too old to actually contribute but that's not going to stop him from judging your efforts is it i think he'd be sitting in his I believe he wears a lot of lycra in his downtime. I think he's a keen cyclist who just lives in Florida and wears lycra.

Yeah, yeah. I always remember at the beginning of The Apprentice, he used to say something like, I don't want any steady eddies or cautious carols or something like that. Like, cautious carols isn't a phrase. You know, you can't just, like, alliterate and hope that, like, everyone...

You fool the British public into thinking that's a real sentence. Yeah. I used to really enjoy the beginning. There was that... I think it might be the first one, which was like, I don't like bullshitters.

I don't like... And he just listed, like, traits of himself, I think. Yeah. I think that if he was confronted with himself in the boardroom of The Apprentice, his brain would explode and he'd die. Yeah, he wouldn't do well, would he? Yeah, he's very much, he has to be the only one of him in a room and then it's okay.

But I mean, yeah, it's just sort of awful alpha male kind of syndrome, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's what it is. It's just, it's that whole kind uh kill or be killed ethos yeah which is like no everyone could just be nice and have a bit of everything and be very happy you don't have to so oh and do you remember that thing that he he fucking sold on the advent of emails the emailer phone oh that sort of amstrad was it amstrad or a thing with a screen on it the phone with a screen it was yeah it was it was a tiny tiny screen smaller than a phone and it had a little tiny keyboard and his his whole business model was you can send emails for 20p a go

he really yeah i i think that's one of the stupidest machines ever made but that's that's the thing about alan sugar when you list his successes it's things like amstrad which doesn't exist anymore as far as i know something to do with spurs football club like i don't know how he got so rich i bet he wasn't that rich but he was the only person who agreed to to go on the apprentice yeah and now he's made a lot more money from just being on the apprentice yeah there is no way on earth he was the first person on the list i bet they tried branson first yeah i bet they tried lots and lots of people and they in the end they were like oh the spurs guy yeah he's a nasty

curmudgeonly arsehole he'll be good on this and then because he's associated with business then the government gives him a peerage yeah that's that's when it all went wrong, I think. Well, I think, was he Alan Sugar at the beginning? And then he got knighted and he made everyone call him Sir Alan and now it's Lord Sugar, possibly. I wonder what's next. What's higher than Lord? King? I don't know. Can they make King Sugar? Is that how we're going to...

King Alan. It will lock down forever and monarchy and reality TV just merges until we just sit in our houses forever bowing down to king alan the one one of the good things about the lockdown is they cannot make the apprentice unless they're like he's doing like we are now on zoom and he's like go on make an origami thing out of some toilet roll do it and then he yeah there's no there's no way of doing it yeah it becomes very craft based that's nice i think the bbc thinks that the apprentice is a liability as well because um

they keep sort of shoving it around the schedules anytime there's an election they can't because he's a peer that's technically that counts as sort of political um uh um i can't think of the word but it's it's it's there's a sort of a slight bias to it right so they can't they of the word but it's there's a sort of a slight bias to it right so they can't they have to shove it around and I don't think

anyone's excited about it and no one would miss him if he was gone I'm here to share that Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and podcaster Sophie Hagen

hello thanks for having me no thanks for coming in now fortunately for you Sophie you won't be without entertainment on the island the Plains Entertainment System continues to work.

But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? So, the movie would probably be I Feel Pretty. I Feel Pretty. By Amy Schumer. I don't know if it's by Amy Schumer if she was just in it I don't remember

if she wrote it it's recent right fairly recent so I've not seen it but I know the film please tell us about it so okay

this movie has potentially ruined my life and my career that is why okay so there's several layers to it there's the fact

that it's bad there's also the fact that me watching it would feel like a slap in the face every time because it would remind me a slap in the face every time because it would remind me of how much

it may have fucked up my career. And then there's also the fact that everyone who then would later when I was saved from the island unless I'd killed myself

which sounds like the worst thing ever or because it killed me then when everyone found out that I'd had to watch that on the loop they would take

great pleasure in it because they know my relationship with it. So I saw the trailer for I Feel Pretty. The concept is Amy Schumer, who we all know is just like, oh, the worst, you know. Oh, no, she's so ugly and fat. What? No, she's not. She's like five kilos for being perfect right she's you know the way you're meant to look look as a woman is like white thin blonde beautiful tall like she's all of these

things apart from maybe there's five kilos extra on her right but in the movie it's like she is the worst monster in the world how would anyone ever that's how it's that the premise of the film yeah it's like ah like she goes into uh there's a point when she tries to wear, like, a skirt, and everyone's like, oh, my God! You're the monster! Like, it's not... Anyways, so then she falls and hits her head and then, like, loses her mind

and thinks she's beautiful. Isn't that, can you imagine thinking you're beautiful if you're Amy Schumer, right? That's the whole point. Crazy, right? So then she goes around acting like she's beautiful, and everyone's like, this is so weird. She thinks she's beautiful.

What an awful concept. Yeah, and then it's about how, and she has this really great job, I don't remember what it is, but a really great job, but then she can become a receptionist, which is below her, what she makes now like in paychecks like

she gets paid she'll get paid less have less responsibility less like fine if your dream is to be a receptionist fine

it's just because she has to be beautiful to be the receptionist so then she becomes a receptionist because she's now got the confidence of someone who's beautiful

and then blah blah blah at one, blah, blah. At one point she then hits her head again, and then she realizes she's ugly. And then she does this really big speech. It's something about makeup. There's a whole thing about makeup. You just wear makeup.

And then there's a whole thing about, also like as fat people you often get told, oh, if you just believe in yourself, blah, blah, blah. But that's not how things work. People are always going to hate fat people, you often get told, you know, oh, just if you just like believe in yourself, blah, blah, blah. But that's not how things work. Like people are always going to hate fat people. So I just tweeted like a little thread. I was just like, oh, God, Amy Schumer is so close to looking perfect. Like it shouldn't be like the only way she could possibly think she's beautiful if she

hit her head. And it's like a sci-fi film. Imagine if an almost perfect person thought they were perfect. How laughable is that? Also, she has a fat friend in the film who's not even mentioned, who's just like there. Why? Who's Aidy Bryant, who's incredible.

So there's this thread where I was just like, ugh, blah, this looks shit. Like this is, I hate the way people are, you know, see you, the world, and we women, blah, blah, blah. Go to sleep, wake up. This're the world and we're women. Go to sleep. Wake up. This has been placed on Twitter moments. No.

Which is like everyone in the world looks at this. It has been seen six million times. Oh, my God. I had so many comments from like people just, you know, telling me to kill myself and all that. That's quite normal. And then, but the thing is, the headline was, People Furious Over Amy Schumer's New Film.

But it was only my tweets. And then that was picked up by Huffington Post and Bustle and Refinery29 and CNN and New York Times. Everyone. And all the headlines were, Everyone Hates Amy Schumer's New Film. They only had my tweets

no one else had tweeted about this everyone hates Amy Schumer's new film I know so you know Bill Maher Bill Maher

I can never remember his name Bill Maher Bill Maher he's this American talk show host who's oh yeah he used to be like

quite liberal but now I think he's quite right wing or maybe you thought he was okay he's this he sowing. Or maybe you thought he was... Okay, yeah. So there was this article that said... At this point, it's still like Google Alerts, but never again.

And it said something like Bill Maher, Sophie Hagen. And I was like, right, what is this? And it said something about, again, Amy Schumer's new film. And I kind of read it half, sent it to my manager, and I was like, this is fun. He wrote, wow. And I was like, well, it's not like he mentioned me on the show. And he went, no, no, he did.

So I watched the clip. And Bill Maher has my face, my Twitter profile, like American TV going, she's an idiot. She's an idiot. And just trashing me and my opinions about this film. He's like, Amy Schumer's not perfect. Why do you say she's not perfect? And I was like, holy shit, what's happening?

What is happening? Oh, no happening to the extent where when I met I met an American comedian in Australia I was like oh hi my name is Sophie and she went

are you the person who ruined Amy Schumer's film and her theory and I don't know how true it is was that it basically flopped this film

and it was based on my tweets I don't that sounds too mad I didn't know that this was going to escalate to this I know it sounds too mad to on my tweets I don't that sounds too mad I didn't know that this was going to escalate to this I know it sounds too mad

to be true so I don't want to take credit also it's not it's never personal against Amy Schumer like she's just doing what she needs to do

and I also get that she doesn't look perfect in Hollywood blah blah blah it's more like a general comment about how the world works

in a way that this is a realistic film for people to like because that doesn't make sense but fuck me my manager met Amy Schumer and she said oh who else do you represent

and he was like ah just some people really yeah I don't know how like Amy Schumer retweeted Bill Maher after he did that bit and was like thank you so much for the support so like she has she knows she knows obviously she knows that I did this.

Are you planning on going to America anytime soon? Riding that wave? Yeah. Yeah, let me plug up some more careers. Most of the comments I got, especially Amy Schumer, her big thing was also to say, well, you haven't seen the film yet. Wait till you see the film.

So I had to watch the film and I watched it. And I was right. I was right about everything. It was shit. So I think having to sit on an island, watching that on a loop. Oh my, yeah. Especially if I then ended up liking it.

I was like, oh, you know what? After the 50th watch, it's not too bad. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know if you'll be convinced. The premise sounds awful. It's so awful. How closed-minded of Hollywood to think like, oh, you know, this is okay.

It's so bad. A lot of people have, you know, this is okay. It's so bad. A lot of people have, you know, told me that they really liked it and they thought I was wrong. Like people I actually respect. And I was like, okay, but. So you're entitled to your opinion, but you're wrong. I'm not wrong. Yeah. I'm pretty right.

As if it escalated to that. It was insane. What did it feel like to be in the middle of all of that? Well, I've been that for a few times. I've often said things on the internet and it's escalated. I've been in online arguments with like Piers Morgan and James Woods and like a lot of people. Oh, that all sounds fine. It's just a thing.

Ben Shapiro, what's the name of him? Milo Yiannopoulos, all those people. It always feels a bit surreal because people very much project a lot onto you. And, you know, it's just like it's six tweets, you know, like I'm one person tweeting this thing. It's not like I'm the president of the US, you know, like when he tweets something that could start a world war. Just like a person. And yeah, I affect some things, but it's not like. But what's it like to wake up and be in the middle of that?

It's like, right, whatever I had planned, I can't do now because I need to sort this out. It's a lot of, like, pulling away. Like, just, like, not reading my... Distance yourself, yeah. Not reading the replies, you know. You have to just make sure that you're... Just double-check your address is safe and that, you know,

you haven't tweeted, like, I will be at the blah blah venue on Friday. All of that stuff. Yeah, and then when you get offered gigs and stuff you have to say, I can do it but you don't want to announce it because then they will call the venue and be like you shouldn't hire her, she's a blah blah blah

blah, say all these things. That's scary. They're quite scary sometimes. Emotionally it's more just about it's just a lot of admin, a lot of blocking people. And, you know, oh, God, you have to get close and count some comments and stuff. So I guess to ask another question, is it worth it? Not really.

I mean, it's not worth it in terms of... I just have no idea because no one cares what I say. I mean, it's, I don't know if it's not worth it in terms of I'm just I just have no idea because no one cares what I say I mean it's I don't know if it's I mean as often tweets where I've gone like oh I

my life wouldn't have been worse if I didn't tweet that sure like I didn't need to say this but also I don't really some things I wouldn't tweet again

but something like that yeah I'd probably tweet that again because I was right about that it's not like a and I think maybe I would have described it a bit better use some more like statistics oh we can always think about these things a bit hindsight's a wonderful thing the amount of times I've written a tweet I think oh this is really funny and I start writing it and halfway through I think this isn't funny yeah and then I'll just delete it and it's really healthy to do that. Yes. And I think something like that, like the things that have happened to me, has made me go, okay, this has to be phrased really well.

I have to have really thought about this before I do it. Because of the worth of things. When something blows up, it's screenshotted. You can never take it back. Yes. And it'll come back to haunt you forever. Like I've had four-year-old tweets brought up in interviews and stuff it's just like really

something like wow so then you think okay I really need to be able to stand by this in four years

okay you know so it does make you think a bit more which is good because I've meant most of the things I've said

but I've there are ways of saying them that won't make stupid people think that you're wrong. Is my future self going to be able to justify this? Okay, I mean, I feel like this is all very interesting. I think I could ask you questions about this all day. What I'm saying is I'm excited for The Island.

I know, I know. I'm sorry that I've done this to you. But I feel pretty the film, I think, very justified choice. And as you said, having to watch that one repeat for the rest of your life, the memories that's going to bring up you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads

go to lipsandads.com now that's l--I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is activist, writer and co-host of Factorball podcast, Natasha Devon MBE. Hello. Who's going to be your first choice? Let's dive in. Well, my first choice actually messaged you about him didn't i because i wasn't sure whether for the format of this podcast you know how on desert island discs you just get the bible and it's just there because they assume everyone wants it i thought maybe this person might be the desert island dicks equivalent yeah he's just on the island yes my first choice is piers morgan piers morgan i have personal beef with Piers Morgan. Oh, it's personal. It's personal. Yeah. I've met him on several occasions and he does this thing. It's actually, I used to

do a lot of debating when I was at school. And there's this thing that you can do in debating and it's called squirreling the motion. And what that means is, so in debating, you're given sort of quite a nebulous motion it might be something like um this house believes in it and then if you are first proposition you have to define what it is and then everybody has to debate according to your definition of the motion but if you define it as um children having basic human rights you've squirreled the motion because there's no way that you can argue against that. And Piers Morgan does that all the time.

He takes something really multifaceted and nuanced and then oversimplifies it to the point where he just thinks, he just defines things as wanting to ban stuff. Right. So I can just imagine

being on an island with him. It'd be like, I think we've got enough sticks on that fire. Oh, so you want to ban sticks, do you? It's like living in some kind of totalitarian state. That's what he would be like. He just takes everything to his extreme for entertainment value. And everybody says, oh, he's a pantomime villain

and he doesn't really believe what he says. But the damage he does is real. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it's dangerous. It's a dangerous way to go about your business right yeah well he legitimizes views and he misrepresents things like um that the main time that he and i fell out is um i was doing a speech at the girls schools association annual conference

and i was speaking for about an hour about mental health but for about 10 minutes i was talking about heteronormative assumption because when you look at mental health statistics, LGBTQ people are significantly more at risk of poor mental health than other people. And I was saying, you know, one of the ways that we can make LGBTQ people feel that sense of belonging, which is really essential to mental health, is to not walk around assuming everyone's straight and you know making assumptions about their life and it also applies to gender so i said oh if i came into one of your schools and i was doing an assembly i wouldn't begin that assembly saying hello girls i would say hello everyone yes because that's a lot more inclusive yeah so that goes via the prism of piers morgan and becomes a column in the daily mail where i've said that teachers should be banned from saying boy or girl and no one's allowed be banned from saying boy or girl. And no one's allowed to identify as a boy or girl. We all have to be non-binary.

How is he getting away with this? Exactly. And my fear with that is, you know, his platform on Good Morning Britain and the Daily Mail is so much bigger than mine that for a couple of months afterwards, I was thinking if my name is mentioned in an office or in the pub, they're going to be like, oh, that's that girl that wants to ban girls yeah then it strikes genuine fear into you and your life yeah exactly so it's it's dangerous it's hard it's harmful yeah and and i've lost count of the number of times i've i've spoken to sort of friends of friends who have gone well yeah you know he he he does take it a bit far but he's right isn't he

and it's kind of you know how we've all got that kind of inner bastard and i was always taught that your first reaction to something is society's reaction and your second reaction is you so if you look at someone and you go what are they wearing but then your next reaction is oh come on it's not fair to judge someone on what they're wearing the first reaction is what you've been taught by society and the second is the real you but i think some people think that first reaction is somehow natural and inherent and it's that teeny tiny piers morgan or katie hopkins inside you yeah it is it really is that agrees yeah oh wow this is insightful i also had an encounter with his sister. I'm working my way through the family.

So I was doing a parent talk at this very posh school. And I was talking about the incident with gender, trying to convey to these parents that, you know, I'm not trying to indoctrinate their children into thinking that they're all transgender. And I mentioned the Piers Morgan story. You know, I'm not trying to indoctrinate their children into thinking that they're all transgender. And I mentioned the Piers Morgan story. And afterwards, this woman comes up to me and she goes, I was just wondering, why did you refuse to go on Good Morning Britain and debate Piers Morgan over the gender thing? And I said, well, I just didn't really see what good would come of it. You know, he doesn't really allow people to speak.

And Good Morning Britain is not the platform for a nuanced discussion so she goes to me so you haven't met him then and i said oh yeah i've met him on several occasions just not on this particular occasion and then she went it's just that i'm his sister you see but then she just ran away so i thought what was that was that an apology was that a don't know. I still don't know. That is like, so she just wanted to, basically, she just wanted to tell you that she was his sister and then run off. And fair enough. I should consider, shouldn't I, that perhaps, I mean, I've taught Nigel Farage's children. So, yeah, I do have to be careful what I say. Yeah. Wow. That's interesting.

Who are lovely. Are they? Yeah. I bet they are. They're children. Of's interesting. Who are lovely. Are they? Yeah. I bet they are. They're children. Of course. How old were they at the time? 12 and 13.

Okay. So potentially, you know, coming into a phase of their life that is quite difficult. Of course. But lovely children. Yeah. Yeah. So you never know who's in the audience in front of you. Of course.

I learned that today. Or listening to a podcast interesting okay i love it i love it when someone has a personal story behind their choice i also think that he's the type of person that whoever was on the island he would try and divide and conquer it's very important for him i think to feel like he's winning whatever winning looks like i wonder why. Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about the three choices that I've made, what they have in common, if anything. And I think it's that I don't understand what motivates them.

And that really bothers me when I can't get to the bottom of someone. I understand that. Yeah. I feel like he sort of plays to the persona now. And it's like, does he actually think these things? Or does he think it's in his benefit to be in the news as much as possible? So says controversial things to try and make sure that he's everywhere at any particular time. I think it's probably the latter, but I can't fathom thinking that engagements and clicks and my salary were more important

than saying and doing the right thing. And also it's the type of people that, you know, everybody I respect and like has been blocked by Piers Morgan on Twitter. If you haven't, get blocked, because then you can be part of the club. I'm going to give it a go after this. But, you know, if he ever takes you on publicly, you get death threats.

You know, I got rape threats from the people that follow him. And he is legitimizing those types of people. And he knows he is. You know, it's extremism. So I don't understand, I guess, the motivation of somebody who could think that that was OK for a laugh. I am so sorry that that happened to you. It's not your fault. No, it's not my fault, but it just shouldn't have happened to you.

Okay, Piers Morgan goes on the island. I'll put him right on there. Not the first time, and it won't be the last time, Piers Morgan. You are going to live on the island. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is journalist, writer, but you'll probably recognise his voice as podcaster on Top Flight Time Machine, Sam Delaney. Hello. Sam, who's going to be your first choice?

Okay, so my first choice is, there was a teacher at my school, and I'm going to call him Mr. Kendall, which is very close to his actual name. And he was a PE teacher, which is a cliche. I'm sure you must have had people named PE teachers before, right? No one likes PE teachers. They're often aggressive. Not all of them, but there's always one who's aggressive and overbearing and is very bad for you and your self-esteem. And there's a couple of stories that I can illustrate, you know, about Mr. Kendall. He had a long lasting effect on my psyche. Wow. and cast a shadow over my time at school. In the fifth year at my school, I went to a normal comprehensive school in southwest London,

and it was fine. It was in the mid to late 80s. And in the final year, about 1990, in the fifth year, you were allowed as a privilege, because you were in the fifth year, to choose whatever PE you did. Right. You could choose from a number of sports. So me and all my mates obviously chose football, right? And you could also wear whatever you wanted for PE within reason.

Really? You didn't have to wear school PE kit. Yeah. If you were a fifth year. Yeah. And what made it even better was PE was on a Friday afternoon. It was the last lesson of the week. It was dreamland, mate.

Nice. So you got to Friday afternoon. You could put on your own stuff. So you could wear club colours if you wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was great. But this was 1990, and it was the era of what people called Manchester. Yeah, yeah.

So despite the fact that we lived in a sort of fairly suburban part of southwest London, me and a few of my mates, quite a lot of people, teenagers at that time, went around dressing a bit like the Happy Mondays. Bucket hat, Deodora. Bucket hat all the time. Baggy was the word, right? And I turned up for PE because I sort of thought of it on a Friday as not just an opportunity to play

football but also as an opportunity to showcase my personal style nice nice yeah so I wasn't thinking in practical terms and I turned out and I remember really well what I was wearing I had the kind of quite long bowlhead haircut nice and I wore a pair of basically like skateboarding shorts I wasn't a skateboarder never was was, never have been, never will be. But they were skateboarding style shorts. They were to the knee. Yeah. And I remember even the brand.

They were a brand called Crush. And they had a little logo on them. And I thought it was really cool. And then I had a white granddad top, which was very sort of Manchester style. You know, it was like round neck with three buttons. Nice. And it was very baggy. It was like a couple of sizes too big.

Yeah, yeah. And then for shoes, this was the real killer, right? The shoes weren't fucking anything remotely intended with football, designed with football in mind. Yeah.

They were a pair of Converse, but trainers, not Converse like we know today. Oh, yeah. Converse used to make trainers that were like, they were big trainers like Nike Airs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if trainers that were like, they were big trainers like Nike Airs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if they still do that, but they did then. And they were quite flashy, and I was really proud of them. I'd got them for my birthday, as a matter of fact, and I thought,

fucking wearing those. Because, and here's the key factor, is that we had a big all-weather pitch at school, and it was two pitches side by side. And on one, we would be playing football. But I knew that on the other next to it on one we would be playing football but i knew

that on the other next to it the girls would be playing net nice and it knew all of my girl mates and stuff and of course when you're 15 you fancy all of your girl mates absolutely your mate tell you're my mate but you really want to get off with all of them right yeah and so they're all my mates, but I wanted them to see me in my best clothes. Nice. These clothes, on reflection, were absurd, right? But at the time, I thought, fucking hell, I am the cock of the walk here. I am the king of the school. I finally made it.

I was like the Wolf of Wall Street of my school, right? That's what I thought in my head. So then in the warm-up, we're waiting for the PE teacher to come out, and we're all out there just warming up. And I found myself, my mate Lawrence was in goal, and I was taking little shots at him, like you do just to warm up. And I found myself next to Alan Hendricks. Alan Hendricks was the best footballer in the school

and also the hardest kid in the school. Those two things very often go hand in hand in most schools, right? Very often overlaps, those two roles. He was pretty scary. I'd obviously been at school for five years, but I wasn't good mates with him. But we were on nodding terms at best. But I found myself warming up with him

and we're taking shots and we're teeing each other up. So he's flicking them up to me and I'm having a volley and I'm flicking them back to him. And it's kind of mating. He's clapped a couple of my efforts and I'm thinking, this day just gets and it's kind of mating, he's clapped a couple of my efforts and I'm thinking

this day just gets better and better it was a spring afternoon, the sun was shining all the girls were playing netball on the court next to me, I was giving them a little wave and I'm basically mates with Alan Hendricks, right who was a terrifying man Alan Hendricks is the sort of bloke that when you're at school when you're like literally in the first year or what

kids today would call year 7 you're in the changing room and he is basically a man right you're like really weedy you're very childlike and he comes out and he's got like biceps the size of softballs and a six-pack and his voice is like that right and you're like anyway so i finally after five years become mates and we're getting on like a fucking house on fire. And I get a bit cocky because I'm just thinking everything's falling into place in my life. And my mate Lawrence throws the ball out to me and it bounces. And I try, because Alan's applauded a couple of my shots, I thought, fuck this. I've got the most touch.

Literally everything I hit turns to gold. So I fucking smacked this ball on the half volley thinking this is going to go top corner. Which would have been out of order anyway, because I was just supposed to be warming up with Lawrence, not humiliating him. It went over the goal, and then it went over the fence, right, that enclosed the five-a-side pitch, and out of the school, into the street,

across the road, and bounced over into the allotment. So it fucking went miles, right? And Alan Hendricks has gone. I mean, any illusion I had of us being mates immediately crumbled because he went, you fucking idiot, you fucking idiot, you kicked the ball over. I said, yeah, I know. And I looked around for another ball

and I couldn't see one. And he went, go and get it. So I went, you're right, okay? And I go to turn and walk off and then Mr. Kendall comes out, right? And him and Alan Hendricks are obviously tight. You know, like in a prison, the governor of the prison is always sort of, has a sort of a weird friendship

with the top boy in the prison. That's what Mr. Kendall and Alan Hendricks were like. They had an understanding. They respected each other as equals. Yeah, yeah. And I walk away and they both sort of say in unison, where the fuck are you going? I said, I'm going to get the ball.

Because my intention was to leave the pitch, walk out of the school, walk around in the street, get the ball. They went, we haven't got time for that. Fucking climb over. Oh, no. And I was like, seriously, and it was a high fence. I'd say it was 12 feet, something like that. Oh, that's high, yeah.

And I go, climb over. And he goes, yeah. And by this stage, all the other lads, that's high, yeah. And I go, climb over, and he goes, yeah, and by this stage, all the other lads, including lots of them, were like, mate, so they're all looking at me like,

yeah, fucking climb over, Sam. We want to get the game started. You kick the ball. I don't know why no one could conjure another ball, but I've gone, all right, fine,

I'm going to play it cool. I don't want to say in front of all them, oh, I don't want to climb over, it's really high. So I go, fine, all right, I'll climb over. So I climb up the fence quite quick.

I was quite pleased because I was under a lot of pressure. Everyone's asking, oh, fucking hurry up, like that. Yeah. I get to the top. I swing one leg over. And because he's really baggy, tracksuit-y kind of skateboarder shorts, right, they get hooked onto a bit of wire. It was a wire fence.

They get hooked quite badly onto the wire. So I can't move my leg. I have to basically pull the shorts off this wire and they've come hooked off. But to do that, I need both hands. I can't do it one-handed. And if I take two hands off, I'll wobble and fall from a great height.

But no one can see what the problem is because the hook has happened. It's a little hook. They're down on the bottom. They can't see it. And they're going, what are you doing? And I'm just sitting, straddling the top of this fence really high up. What the fuck are you doing?

I said, I'm stuck. What do you mean you're stuck? And Mr. Kendall's going, really humiliating me in front of everyone. By this stage, all the lads, there's like 15 lads standing around, all looking up going, fuck, I hate you. And Mr. Kendall, rather than help me out, I said, sir, I'm stuck. My shorts have got caught. Can you come up and help me?

He went, your shorts got caught. Well, that serves you bloody right, doesn't it? For wearing those stupid shorts to PE. They're completely inappropriate. You look like a wally. He went, and the trainers are inappropriate as well, which is why you probably belted it out in the first place. This is all your fault.

You can stay up there. We're getting the game started. He goes to another kid, go and get another ball from the cupboard, which he could have done in the first place. This is all your fault. You can stay up there. We're getting the game started. He goes to another kid, go and get another ball from the cupboard, which he could have done in the first place. Someone runs up, gets the ball. I'm not joking. I'm sat on the top of a fence, right,

for the whole hour as they're playing the game, watching from behind the goal, thinking, how will I ever get down? But what makes it worse is all the girls are playing netball and they eventually spot me because I'm like a prized turkey up on the top of the fence

in this outfit and they're stopping and going Sam, Sam what are you doing? What are you doing out there? And I'm going Oh, alright just watching the game

and they're going Why are you watching it right now? I said Good for you up here Why aren't you playing? Injured I'm trying to say that I was injured,

so I decided to change into my kit and then climb up a massive fence to watch my mates play football. At the end of the game, they all go, and I'm going to Mr. Kendall, can you help me down now? And he just laughed, shook his head and went in. And then they all went in. I was pissed off with everyone, to be honest. I mean, could take them all to the dickhead island

because even my mates were like, no, I don't. It was almost like I'd become toxic. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? They didn't want to come near me. They didn't want to know. And then I got one mate, and he was a good mate, and he still is a mate.

And he came back. He came back for me. It's like a war story. Nice, yeah. He'd gone in the changing room, and then when he came out, shouted and changed. I was then, like literally the sun was setting and i was thinking what happens i kept once in a while letting go to try and unhook myself but then immediately grabbing on again oh i'm going down

right and i just didn't know what i was going to do and uh in the end he came back like a hero joe challenge he comes back climbs up the fence and unhooks me and he went and I went I'm sorry mate and he just stroked like fucking hell mate I mean it's the most embarrassing

thing I've ever seen I hope you understand that I had to come back and do this when everyone else had gone I didn't want to be seen near you so

oh my god and then I don't know if we've got time for another because I mean Mr. Kendall there was various things like that

I don't think he ever particularly liked me I wasn't unsporty but I wasn't particularly sporty and a lot he was the sort of PE teacher only like you if you were one of the

11 best players in school the other most embarrassing incident that happened to me at school he was also compliciting which was I used to also really like doing drama

and I really looked forward to it and one week I turned out and obviously the drama teacher was really nice and a laugh and I quite fancied. And one week I turned out, and obviously the drama teacher was really nice and a laugh and I quite fancied her. But one week I turned out and she was ill, so they'd put Mr. Kendall in charge of it. He was like the least appropriate bloke to be in charge of drama.

Drama? What's this? Mucking about? Pretending to be people you're not? It's bloody nonsense, right? And I'm like, oh, fuck. So I turned out and I was absolutely gutted. But what made it worse was I had a really bad stomach and I'd felt it brewing all day. And I turn up and I was absolutely gutted but what made it worse was I had a really bad stomach and I'd felt it brewing all day and I know what the reason was

I can still remember the meal now the night before my mum had made me curried mince I mean it's disgusting I mean we didn't have much in she just got some mince and thought I'll just put

curry spices in it it was disgusting and it had a bad effect on me I don't know whether the mince was bad or something but I remember sitting in this lesson and we were sitting and he was just making us read from a play disgusting and it had a bad effect on me i don't know whether the mince was bad or something but i remember sitting in this lesson and we were sitting and he was just making us read from a play rather than actually do any like drama and i was like fucking hell and i suddenly thought oh no oh no

i'm in trouble you know when your stomach goes it makes a really weird noise and you're like shit i think i could be in trouble you gotta go yeah and course, I don't know what it was like at your school, but I know that a lot of people, especially back in those days, schools were pretty derelict and everyone pretty much had a rule that you never did a shit at school. No, yeah. Ever, ever. No, no, no.

For various reasons. Yeah, nasty in there, yeah. You would probably rather shit your pants than shit at school. Yeah. So I've stuck my hand up and said, so I've got to go to the toilet. And he just didn't like me, so he's just being an idiot going, well, you can wait. It's only 20 minutes to the end of the lesson. I said said, so I've got to go to the toilet. And he just didn't like me. So he's just being an idiot going, well, you can wait. It's only 20 minutes to the end of the lesson.

I said, no, I've got to go now. And he goes, excuse me? You don't get that. That sounded like an instruction. No, sorry, you sit where you are. So I'm sitting there thinking, I'm going to shit myself in a drama lesson. And again, there's always the issue of all the girls in there, in your drama lesson.

That was another thing. Half the reason being into drama was because it was an opportunity to flirt with girls, right? Yeah, yeah. And these girls who I enjoyed flirting with, I thought, they're going to see me shit my pants any second. So I just stood up and I walked out.

We were in a hall and I just walked out. And he went, where do you think you are going? And I went, sorry, and kept walking. He went, get back in now. I went, sorry,

and I kept walking. I thought he might chase me and pull me back and then things will get really messy. Yeah, yeah. But he didn't. I quickened my pace and got walking. I went, get back in now. I went, sorry. And I kept walking. I thought he might chase me and pull me back and then things will get really messy. But he didn't. I quickened my pace and got out. I walked all the way down. I walked out of the school,

which broke various rules and regulations. I walked down the road because what I thought was at the bottom of the road on the high street, there was a Pizza Express. And it was really like, it was a smart place. And I thought,

I'm going to shoot in there in a Pizza Express. So I'm walking down the street and my mate William Gallagher has followed me. Bless him, right? He's come out and he's chased me because he's thought he's in trouble. What's going on? Hey, what's going on?

What's going on? Mr. Kendall's going mad. I said, look, I'm going to live with you. I think I'm going to shit myself. And that's why I'm walking like this. I'm heading for Pizza Express. You can help me out. When we go in, sit at a table and order a Coke.

Nice. Right? And then say, your mate will be back in a minute. That's great. I said, that's my cover. He goes, all right, I'll do it. So we get into the Pizza Express. He sits down as instructed.

I just accelerate into the toilet. And then, I mean, I couldn't believe I'd made it. he sits down as instructed I just accelerate into the toilet and then I mean I couldn't believe I'd made it you have the excitement and the anticipation and the stress and the anxiety and it all comes together at once and it's that fatal thing

where when you make it through the door of the toilet you relax and that's the fatal thing don't relax until you are in position I relaxed and as my trousers were coming halfway down walking towards the cubicle, it exploded everywhere. No!

Over the floor, over my trousers. No! Everywhere. The seat, it was like a fucking massacre, right? It was a massacre. And I had to spend ages in there trying to cover it all up. Sort it out. There was not enough toilet roll in all three cubicles to sort out what I had to spend ages in there trying to cover it all up. Sort it out. There was not enough toilet roll in all three cubicles

to sort out what I had done. And in the end, I thought, someone's going to come in here and find me. But there was shit all on my trousers and everything. So I just did one. I walked out. I tied my jacket around my waist because I hadn't shat my pants,

but there was shit all down my trousers. And I went to William Gallagher. Pay for the Coke. We're going. Right? So he goes, all right. And I went to William Gallagher. Pay for the Coke. We're going. Right? So he goes, all right. And he just, like, chucks some money on the table, comes out after me, and he can see what's happened.

He's going, I'm going back to school. More or less like, mate, I'm out. I can't do this anymore. I've done everything I can for you. By this stage, it's the lunch hour of school. And in lunch hour, all the kids were allowed down to the high street. I come out. It's lunchtime. I down to the high street. I come out, it's lunchtime, I look to

my right and I hear someone, I hear a girl's voice say, Sam, and coming towards me are two girls. One is my ex-girlfriend, the other one is my future girlfriend and a girl I had a crush on and they're waving to me in the distance and they're sufficiently far away to not be able to smell the shit or see the shit. And they're

saying, wait for us, right? Meanwhile, I look behind me and I see the staff of Pizza Express hurriedly go into the bathroom because they know something's up. No, yeah. They've seen two school kids come in, one go to the toilet for 10 minutes and then just fuck off. So I'm thinking, they're going to come for me any second. And meanwhile, these girls are coming towards me.

A 33 bus pulled up in front of me. I just fucking jumped on it, got a ticket and went home. And the girls were like, what? And as the bus pulled away, I also saw the Pizza Express staff come out of the toilet looking disgusted and outraged. And it felt great. It felt like a prison break.

Yeah, it's amazing. I was just disappearing down the street. And I went home even though it was halfway through school day and I called my mum at work. I went, mum, I've come home, and I didn't ask to, so you're going to have to tell the school and make something up,

call them up, make something up. She went, all right, I will. Just out of interest, why did you go home? And I went, because I shat myself. And she just went, fair enough, see you later. And that was bloody Mr Kendall. That's mental. Because if he hadn't been such a dickhead,

if he hadn't been such a bastard, I would have made it there in better time. You would have, yeah. So there's two big, significant humiliations in my life, and I feel that he was complicit in both of them. Oh, my God, yeah. He would not be a nice person to be on a desert island. Yeah, he definitely wouldn't.

He was a formative dick in my life. I'm so glad you got to tell that second story. Jesus, that's like something out of a film. That's so good. Amazing.