Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 3

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

It's another instalment of Top of the Cocks, to keep you going whilst James and Dan sort their shit out for a week, but don't despair - this episode contains some solid gold dicks, like if Indiana Jones ran into a lost tomb and discovered a hoard of treasure from a forgotten tribe, the main bounty being a stack of golden dicks that made you laugh a lot when you were in their presence. Or something. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This is Top of the Cox Volume 3. We've put together a selection of clips from past episodes which we love and they should tide you over for a bit until we put out some new ones next week.

This first one starts with comedian Tom Allen from our live Christmas special back when we were allowed to gather together in public. Also when we were allowed to have Christmas together, both of which feel like a distant memory. But don't fear, just sit back and listen and let the gentle smattering of applause warm your heart and calm your mind and then continue listening to a load of funny bits

from other episodes and we'll resume regular service next week. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks live in London. This is a show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Tom Allen. APPLAUSE Hi, how's it going? Good, good, good. I like this venue. I like how we share the stage with a toilet. Yeah, yeah. It is a toilet.

It's very exciting, isn't it? Who's going to come out next? Yeah. It's like a sort of Noel's house party. Yeah. Tom, thanks for coming and doing this. So you should. Yes.

Tom, who's going to be a third choice? Who does I'm? Oh, yes. Somebody who is rude to me third choice who does that oh yes somebody who is rude to me in a Scandinavian style bakery okay

which should have been I have such high hopes every time I see one of those Scandinavian style bakeries which largely involve I would say

polished concrete those sort of yes exposed plaster maybe some exposed plaster. Maybe some exposed plaster. Lovely lighting. Slate, everything.

Lots of slate, maybe a trim of wood. And so rude, so rude. Really? So just to watch us. Well, I went in there to get my favourite, which is a smoked salmon and dill roll. And it's got like a name that's like papaya cacachos. And I'll try and say that.

And then I'll always be tempted by like, and maybe they do a thing called a cinnamon, no, what do they call it? A cinnamon swirl social. A cinnamon social. A social slice. A social slice. Yeah, I've seen this.

So is that a thing? Or do you know the shop by name? Are we allowed to say it? Yeah. Olienstein. Olienstein. Olienstein. Oh, yeah, you know. Fine, fine, fine.

Guys, you have people who come out to a recording of a podcast on a Tuesday. You know Olienstein. I thought I had to somehow coax it in another language. But they're just very, like, don't get me wrong. I love nice things. I love being a wanker. But I expect to be thanked for it. Yeah.

In what way? In what way? Well, just like that I was going in there every day for my smoked salmon, Danish seeded roll, and with pickled cucumber and dill. And I was really enjoying it. I was telling everyone about it, even though the bread had been kept in the fridge, which I don't like.

Because if I wanted a sandwich that tasted of the fridge, I'd go to Marks and Spencer's. All their sandwiches taste of the fridge, don't they? So I went to Olle and Steen, Olle and Steen. And so I go there every day and she's always just really mardy with me, very Northern way, very moody, very grumpy about

everything. And I'm just like, well, every time because I have to be liked. And every time I'd be like, hello, how are you? And she'd be like, fine, what do you want? And I'm like, well, I was thinking I'll get the smoked salmon. Why do we even need to ask? I get the same thing every day.

And then I'd say, what's the nicer one? I said on one occasion what's the nicer one? The cinnamon one or the cinnamon social as well or the chocolate social as well and she said they're both nice didn't help at all so i still bought the chocolate one yeah i still mean i still go there um but um just so rude and once i asked to have it grilled i have a different sandwich actually toasted, but she had to go and get the manager. Why?

To see if you could toast it? Yeah, yeah. And then the manager said, no, we can't toast those ones because something's wrong with the bread. So I couldn't have a toasted one. You have to have a different bread if you want it toasted.

And I just thought, what's the point in being alive? Some people, there's so point in being alive? Some people put so many obstacles in your way. If you want a toaster, you've got to go to Greg's. You've got to go to Greg's. So now I go to Greg's every time. I'd love to see you in a Greg's.

Do you know what? I've only been to a Greg's once and it was when I was in Wakefield and it was really nice actually. Everybody was really nice. They recognised me. Only at the end though which annoyed me. Do they not recognise you? Do they not recognise you

in O'Leary and Steve? No way. Or if they do, they are going out of their way to remind me that they don't care. Not only do they not recognise you, they don't remember your order. They don't remember my order. They would not remember me if I was dead in the street. They would not come out with a smoked salmon roll. What did you order?

On the day I'm dead in the street, that's the day they go, oh, we toasted your roll. And chuck it on the board. We just brought in the toasting thing. What did you order in Greg's? I think it was a black coffee and a, maybe some sort of, I was going to say baked good, but I don't think it was. I think it was some sort of and a, maybe some sort of, I was going to say baked good, but I don't think it was.

I think it was some sort of sandwich again. It was breakfast time. It's maybe like a BLT, which I think is acceptable as a breakfast sandwich. Would you say? Like, I don't think, funnily enough, I don't think sandwiches are acceptable in the morning, are they? If you went out for breakfast to a restaurant and they were like, would you like a sandwich? I'd say absolutely not.

But if they brought something out on toast oh that's completely fine yeah as long as it's open it has to be open which is again a very Scandinavian thing to do yes

Oli and Steen are trying to take over the fucking world no if it's an open thing then it's fine why is that I don't know what's with that

anyway I don't know yeah okay so this rude bakery person yeah what would they be like on the island um really annoyed that i dragged them there i imagine they don't like seeing me for the three minutes i see them of a lunchtime so i can only imagine

how furious they'd be to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with me for the rest of their lives okay yeah um but uh yeah so i think they'd be very angry i don't know what they'd be doing on the island i mean presumably if their calling has always been to work in a scandinavian style bakery i don't know how they're going to replicate that on the island on the island maybe they could build some well there's be there'll be plenty of slate sure yeah and maybe some sort of oak with some sort of wood with a fallen palm tree here and there yeah that's kind of what it's like in there

yeah they'd be able to fashion some sort of coffee shop which they'd be which they'd open just to make you coffee yeah me

the excitable your only purpose here is to continue making me coffee yeah yeah yeah exactly which would not be available presumably

and they take great pride in telling me every day no you don't have that yeah I'd still ask for it to be toasted you're trying to get

off the island no Tom no yeah yeah Shakespeare I bet would love it he would love it love it what a great character

for Shakespeare what a oh yes wouldn't it be a curmudgeonly yeah Scandinavian bakery worker

yeah I think you're actually building a Shakespearean dream yeah very much a Midsummer Night's Dream okay yeah oh I'm trying to think of another Bakery worker. Yeah, I think you're actually building a Shakespearean dream. I remember that from The Tempest. Yeah. Very much a Midsummer Night's Dream. Okay, yes. Oh, I'm trying to think of another baking pun Shakespeare play. I can't think of one.

Omelette. That's the only thing I can think of. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. They don't do omelettes. Yeah, no, I can't think of anything. They'd love to tell you they don't do that either. Okay.

And here to share their Desert island dicks with us today is writer and journalist Joel Golby. Who's going to be the first person to join you on the island? Well, okay. It's Eamon Holmes. Okay. And the thing is, like, I don't even hate Eamon Holmes. He inspires very little in me,

and I assume in everyone else. But I think that's why he's lived rent-free inside my head for as many years as he has. Because Eamon Holmes has been on TV as long as I have been alive and I still don't understand why. Yeah. Because he's completely inept at presenting. He's very, I find him very, very charmless.

He sort of clonks around the set he has an air of shambolic about him a bit a bit like mr blobby sort of crashing through a doorway you always feel like eamon holmes is gonna like tip over a pan of bolognese that someone's just made or like break a sofa for a joke and he co-presents quite often on this morning with his wife who seems to hate him as well so you you you've basically been invited into someone's home to watch a not particularly likable couple bicker with each other while just about stitching together a few a few sort of a cooking bit or like a how to style a skirt and aban holmes is just there on the edge not being funny not getting on cue not hitting his lines just just causing

trouble i just don't understand i don't understand how he's still a presence in in british culture whoever looked at aban holmes and went i want to see that man on TV I would say 40 hours a week that's what I want it's mad isn't it because it's like yeah as you say he's not that good at doing what he does he's not even sort of charming or good looking at least if you're like

obviously they put him on because you know all the bored housewives in the morning you know a bit of Eamon but he's not that and it's like well he's not funny if it is you know if we of amen but he's not that no and it's like well he's not funny no if if it is you know if we sort of go with stereotypes and presume it is a sort of majority female audience watching him then like he's probably not you know he doesn't he seems like quite a sort of yeah like you say like a cumbersome old sort of man that isn't you know he's a sofa that someone

put in his suit i don't understand like no one's waking up and being like i i can't wait to turn the tv on and see amon holmes did you hear what amon said this morning so insightful that dishy fucker once again just so succinct this timing is so brilliant he throws two ads at just the right time he never gets confused at satellite delays with a link to someone in america he's the perfect person no one ever says that they're like uh here's aban homers again a stain on your favorite t-shirt in the form of a man and also i think because he has been in telly at such as a sort of that uh point in the in the schedule for such a long time. He's probably not very cheap either.

I bet he's expensive. So it's like you're getting this package, but it still costs quite a lot of money. It's the worst value that we have. But again, it's just, I don't know. I think there's something strange and inherent in, it says a lot about like Britain, that we allow Eamon Holmes to happen at the particular luxurious price bracket he occupies.

The incredible spot on the schedules that he always seems to be in. Because in the past couple of years, there's been this really strange news subculture. I've noticed it especially since I got an Android phone and switched from iPhone to Android. So on Android, a lot of news services do push notifications and get on all your phones. And I noticed before I really

tailored mine down so now it just sends me football scores and really boring things like that. But it would just constantly tell me some sort of half thing that had happened on either good morning britain or this morning that day and there's this weird like race to write up what the the main talking point of this morning was or like the mirror of the sun and the express websites i don't understand why because it's not interesting when you watch it and so when they write it up and go like aban holmes clunked into

something again because it's useless fucking absolute waste of a presenter slot but i would just get these push notifications constantly just going like you won't believe what aban holmes said in this interview and then you watch a clip and it's just him sort of clunking over someone or talking or getting their name wrong or doing something like that. He's a very uninspiring man. Someone who occupies a similar space would be I suppose Richard Madeley.

But somehow he's got a bit of charm about him, you know. Madeley is dynamite. Madeley is gold dust. Madeley is a one-off. You know when Maidly is on camera that something's going to happen. He's a spinning top. He can go in any direction.

You don't know what he's going to do, who he's going to direct a question to. Quite often, The Line of Fire is like his own female co-hosts. Maidly is live wire. He's TV gold. Whereas Eamon Holmes just sort of clunks around he slumps into view yeah it's almost like they're siblings you know it's like Richard take take Eamon with you when you go to the when you go to do your telly take no take him with you and you're like oh mom but I'm I've got a new contract I can't bring Eamon it's like take him with you yeah you know like Eamon Holmes' mum is friends with your mum

and whenever whenever he comes over he has to play on your N64 or your mum will shout at you and he like he always has chocolate

on his hands he smears it on the controller he like loses all you've done you've been working really hard on Mario 64 you've got loads of lives but he keeps like

jumping off the same very simple ledge he's that sort of presence on TV for about 600 grand a year, he baffles me and then I think how frustrating I would find him in a survival situation

doing his little quips I could imagine that he'd be both useless but also very opinionated on how things were being done, like a lot of mansplaining and a lot of kind of sort of going off into anecdotes which don't really help or even relate to the subject that much, but you know, nothing that's useful. You can sort of go, look, all you have to do is carry this firewood with me, like not as much as me because I know you're famous, but just a bit. Carry some sticks, and he'd still sort of fuck it up somehow.

Yeah, I just don't think he'd be very survivalist. I think he'd do weird things like carve a roof out of a palm tree and talk to her and stuff like that. I just, you know, and I wouldn't want to eat him. Do I have to eat someone in this in this scenario is their food come down with the plane as well well we're gonna get on to your least favorite food later but i mean i would never rule out the it's it's also amen homes so we can just get out of the way early but yeah i just me amen homes a plane crash on an island i just i don't

think we'd have much to say. No, no, I agree. And I just, yeah, I just think he would, like you say, just sort of be a combination between like a sort of a difficult celebrity who's like maybe a bit of a prima donna and also like an annoying younger brother at the same time, you know. So that's the last thing you want to really be stuck with. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips

and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lipsandads.com now that's l-iI-B-S-Y-N ads.com. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Marlon Davis. How are you doing? I'm doing good. Thanks for having us on. Okay, well, let's go straight in. And who's going to be your first choice for the island? My first choice has to be Fat Dwayne. Fat Dwayne. Okay. Yeah, you don't know Fat Dwayne. I don't know. Not a lot of people know Fat Dwayne. Fat Dwayne? Yeah, you don't know Fat Dwayne. I don't know.

Not a lot of people know Fat Dwayne. The world wouldn't know, but around my ends or my area, everyone knows Fat Dwayne. Okay. He's notorious. He's a bully, and you could definitely put him on the island.

My thing with Fat Dwayne, I'll tell you this, is that it goes back to when I was about 12 years old, 12, 13, something like that. And he put a hit on me. Right. Yeah, which is strange. I mean, I've seen like hits or wanted, you know,

post cartoons. I was like, this is weird. Why? This was random random and i found this out by metal mouth paul told me metal mouth paul and um another kid called austin sweeney they said um yeah we've heard that fat dewayne's after you and i was like what was he after before and he goes well i don't know and he he broke Austin Sweeney's arm. Wow. So, like, this guy was someone not to be messed with. Yeah, yeah.

Right, and so I found out that he was after me. What am I going to do? And me being how I am, I'm quite rebellious. I was like, yeah, whatever. It'll be fine. And we were playing Kirby. Do you know what Kirby is? Yeah, where you throw the ball against the curb.

Against the curb. And if you catch it, you get a point, don't throw the ball against the curb. Against the curb. And if you catch it, you get a point, don't you? It's great. So we're playing Kirby. Great game. And in the distance, at the end of the road, Fat Dwayne, he just appeared out like some bushes or something. And he goes, Marlon!

That's how his voice was. He has to be... And a deep voice. He have been he had a deep voice he was a kid with a deep voice he was like Marlon I'm after you and I was like what the hell crazy

I was like whatever and he came down the road and the worst thing I did was I ran and running meant fear and that was the worst thing i should never have run but because of that now i'm like pussy in his eyes and everyone else oh my god he's after marlon he's after marlon and so it was summer holidays as well and i didn't like having a hit on me yeah that means you know because I can't go out and play, can't go to shops or anything.

So I still make my sister go to the shops for me to get like the jawbreakers. Right. And my sister was like, oh, come on. You know, you've got to do something about this. In fact, the way he got to nothing. I'm like, he broke Austin's arm. Like, what's it going to do to me? So she goes, oh, just sort it out.

So like I went into training and I watched Karate Kid, part one and two, as you do. And I was doing all the wax on, wax off, all of that. And my mum thought it was great, but she was like, look, the house is very tidy. I like what you've done with the fence, but look, you need to go outside and play. You'll get on my nerves. And I was like, I don't want to go outside and play you're getting on my nerves and I was like I don't want to go outside and play because Fat Dwayne's after me he's like look you just need to go out

and play and I went to my sister and I said look can you get me some jawbreakers she goes no I've had enough you just need to go out there

go and face your demons go and face your fears I was like alright I'm going to do it so I left the house on my way my way down to the corner shop

which was Yogi Yogi was a news agent he shut down now which is a good thing um just because once you go into your there weren't that many like shops sold the sweets and he sold penny sweets as well but he used to like dig his nose and touch them and like he shut down like he had a kid in there that lived with him right and she sometimes would be in the shop and her teeth was rotten which is not a good sign but she was wrong because she used to like open up sweets and eat them and then like yogi would just sell it to you so like you buy a packet of like smarties and you know the tube there'll be nothing in it one or two like this is how it was

so but i knew that's where i was gonna go and get my jawbreakers so the other system that yogi had was um you couldn't just push open the door i'm going it was all locked um this was because he used to get uh robbed regular maybe or it was maybe the shop was a front for his drug dealing I don't know what Yogi was about right so got down to the shop and I pushed open the door and he goes oh I ain't seen you for ages I was like yeah it was Fat Dwayne's after me what happened was like I could feel like there was some sort of eclipse that was going on. Like, there was something like, I was like, why did it go dark?

And I turned around and outside of the door was Fat Dwayne. You know what I mean? I was just like, an edge. I'm like, oh my God. And he was at the door. He was like, Marlon, I can see you in the shot. I'm after you. I was like, oh my God, he's after me.

Oh God, what am I going to do? I don't know. The door opened and now I was faced with Fat Dwayne. So it was like, you know, cowboys at high noon just looking at each other. And he's there looking at me. He goes, Marlon!

I said, Fat Dwayne. He says, Marlon! I said, Fat Dwayne. He says, Marlon, I said, Fat Dwayne. He goes, I'm after you. I said, I know. You keep saying that you're after me. You've ruined my whole summer. Look, can I ask why you're after me? He said, it's because you're going around, Marlon,

telling everyone that my name's Fat Dwayne. I said, but you are Fat DeWayne. And he goes, I know. That upsets me. And I went, I'm really sorry. And Yogi said, give him a hug. And I went over to

Fat Dwayne, right? And he beat the shit out of me. He beat the shit out of me in Yogi's shop. Sweets were flying everywhere. And then everybody from the block was like,

ah, Fat Dwayne fat because they all came down like fat duane he's got marlon he's beating me up in the shop left with a black eye and it was horrible right i still had a draw but i still had the draw breakup like he must have brought my jaw i don't know but he instilled so much fear into me and i didn't like that and that's another reason why i was like i wouldn't want to be with a desert island with someone like that yeah right because you're scared as it is anyway but just having that there i don't know oh man i feel like you're taking me on a real journey there i'm like i think that's the thing though isn't it like childhood fears and i even as an adult you know like you go back to the like where you grew up and there's still things that will freak you out and you're like no wait

i'm a grown-up now you know i have a job and a car and a wife but there's still like the idea of like you know like i remember getting mugged once when where i grew up and like on the way to the local shop and every now and again like if i see kids hanging around now i'm just like oh wait it's wait no i'm 38 it's okay now yeah yeah it's post-traumatic stress isn't it but yeah if he's on the island with you yeah i'm gonna have that yeah he's just making me do stuff exactly i don't want it just lurking behind Sadiq when he's making you go the wrong way and you're trying to

disobey Sadiq yeah and fat Dwayne looms up behind you no no Jesus and the thing with fat Dwayne as well

he's not fat anymore okay and he's a personal trainer now oh so now he's just huge he's yeah but

yeah he's cut with it and making people's life hell or pain just to try and what emulate him i don't know so um he'll be he'll be like that on the island so that's the thing so now he's like he's still obviously got a bit of a chip on his shoulder but now he's like tougher as well yeah so he's like yeah even more fit and strong wow but still has like the sort of the memories of being called fat duane and you're gonna end up calling that you're gonna call him fat duane all the time out of habit it's just like a knee-jerk reaction isn't it and you'll be like oh we need

some more firewood oh you're fat duane oh no and then i'm not fat anymore i told you look and then he'll show you his six-pack and then crush you god yeah this sounds horrible already yeah and especially like i mean just it's that vulnerability that you have as a child that will just always stay with you when you're around him so i think exactly to be with him on an island oh that's terrifying that's a good choice you already do feel vulnerable anyway because you're on the island you're just You're just not aware of where you're going. Yeah. So you really feel sort of insecure and then having him there.

Yeah. It's a good choice. It's a very good choice. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is former Home Secretary Jackie Smith. Hello, James. Hi, Jackie. Thanks for coming in. My pleasure. I really appreciate it. Shall we dive in? Who's going to be your first choice?

My first person who it would be an utter nightmare for me to be stranded with is Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson? Well, that's probably not a massive surprise. I did well though, right? But it's not just about his politics. I mean, obviously, you know, I know plenty of Tories who I wouldn't mind being stranded on a desert island with. The thing about Boris that drives me up the wall,

and, you know, we can come to his recent shenanigans around the burqa, but, you know, this is... I try not to judge people by their backgrounds, you know, either posh or otherwise, but one of the things that I find really difficult to stomach about Boris is that he is a man who has had every opportunity in life, you know, a good education, all of the privileges, and yet he has managed to prove himself to be, I think, lazy, given the opportunity to have one of the best jobs in government as foreign

secretary he just looked as if he was winging it the whole time and when he wasn't winging it he was being offensive i worked with him when i was home secretary when he was mayor of london and this is the type of man who for a meeting that i was chairing on the security arrangements for the 2012 Olympics, turned up so late on his bike with his hair all over the shop for a security meeting that we'd come to the end of the agenda. And he wanted me to go back to the beginning with a bunch of other ministers and people, you know, being made to go through the whole agenda again. I refused to do it.

And he had a sort of bit of harumph about him. But it's that type of entitlement coupled with idleness that drives me up the wall, I'm afraid. Wow. OK. One rule for one and then another rule for the other. Indeed. And, you know, the trouble is, I have to say, I thought he'd come to the point where the people within his own party had recognised that. But it's now looking a bit scarily as if he might be once again making a leadership bid for the leadership of the Conservative Party. And I just cannot understand why people would want to trust the man with a political party, let alone with the country. you know this week of course when he's been making offensive remarks about Muslim women who were wearing a burqa it's interesting because

you know some people put this down to a sort of gaffe, I don't I think Boris is too clever for that, I think he has met with Steve Bannon, I think he's taking lessons out of that alt-right playbook, I think he's taking lessons out of that alt-right playbook. I think he will not apologise,

but he will enjoy having been on the front of the newspapers for the last week. And in fact, of course, I'm playing exactly into his hands by saying he's the person I really, really dislike and giving him publicity. So part of me hates that I hate him, but I just do. Because you're giving him exactly what he wants. He craves that controversy.

That's what he's done this for, you know. And he will be loving it and he'll be loving the sort of, you know, people calling on him to apologise, but then a whole load of, you know, other people whose attitudes are to say the least suspect going, oh, yeah,is just saying what the rest of us think which is you know i don't think most right thinking people do however much

they disagree with with somebody think one it's necessarily right to comment on what women wear and two to provide weapons for those who want to have a go at um islam and muslim women and you know there is plenty of islamophobia out there without providing people with the ammunition to to throw absolutely it's a pretty sick and sad way to get yourself to the top if that's what you're going for indeed and i think he is going for it i'm afraid you know he's a man who's not short of self-confidence and you know i think he still thinks he can be leader of the toy party oh it's tough isn't it wow and so going back to what you said about uh about him being a bit lazy you sort of can gauge that by the way that he dresses himself whether

he dresses himself and the way oh no no but you see once again i think this is a show okay i think there are some people who are genuinely sort of untidy and i'm probably going back too far for some of your um some of your listeners, but I'm doing a book at the moment, actually with Ian Dale, who's also done this podcast. And we're doing a book about all of the women MPs

who've ever been elected to Parliament in the last 100 years. And I wrote about Shirley Williams. And what people may remember or not about Shirley Williams is that notoriously, she used to be sort of quite untidy and have untidy hair and everything. She genuinely did because she was a busy woman who thought, I just can't be bothered to think about doing my hair and what I'm going to wear.

I have seen Boris ruffle up his hair before he goes in front of a TV camera. So this is not, oh, you oh, I'm just too brainy and too busy to worry about what I look like. This is, once again, a calculated effort to look like that. It makes him seem so much more dangerous, right? It's all pre-planned. It's all premeditated. I think ever since he arrived at Eton,

probably before that, he's been planning how he's going to become the Prime Minister. And it must have been agony for him to see his eaten chum, David Cameron, become Prime Minister before him. I think the whole thing's been a sort of, you know, trajectory and a plan since then. Do you think it was a bit of a competition then between those two? Oh, I'm sure, you know, let's be honest, you don't even get elected to Parliament, let alone become a minister without being pretty competitive and i always say that anybody who says um you know anybody who's a

sort of serious politician who if you ask them would you like to be a senior minister or the prime minister and they say no they're a big fat fibber and uh you know so i think most people are either top job not everybody is as focused and devious about their trajectory to get there as I think Boris is okay but it'd be happy to take uh David Cameron seconds right I think that's you know uh okay Boris Johnson at this point I normally ask anything else on Boris Johnson I think I think I've spilled it I think you have I really think you have. I really think you have. And here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today are comedian, writer and host of the Nobody Panic podcast, Stevie Martin, and writer and activist, Gina Martin,

who both host the Might Delete Later podcast. How are you doing? Good, thank you. What a great intro. What a great intro. There's too many podcasts going on. That's my first thought. Everyone should just listen to this one and your two that you do and then no others correct now mercifully

amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad oh this is actually getting quite bad now isn't it isn't it though yeah i'm actually really upset but also this is another universal one that so i when i was at um university and like discovering alcohol i the first sort of alcohol i would drink was i don't know why i'm saying like that um was uh like you know vodka and coke or spirits and mixes classic because they're very very cheap and i like wine um and then i was like this just feels like beer should be that's i should drink beer because that's like what everybody drinks is cheaper than a glass of wine it's also you can drink more of it without having to get drunk like

you can have a couple of pints whereas having a couple of glasses of wine is like okay and now you're having to call me an uber every time whereas um so as i tried to like beer i absolutely cannot stand beer i've tried it hate it i've tried it so much and also i just feel like in my heart i'm i'm a pint gal oh my god right just like oh it's like an ipa just just give me a pint of that or like oh just just just give me a pint of lager what type of lager i'm not fussy any like that's me yes actually in reality i'm like can i have one that doesn't taste of alcohol like a nice rose please like i don't want to be that but that is what i am i want to be the cool girl like i want to be like standing on London Fields with a pint of beer, a load of rings on

just gesturing and talking about my latest design work it's just such a vibe a can of red stripe a can of red stripe oh my god it's so cool it's like watered down sweat it looks so cool but it tastes like shit

yeah and I want I've tried lots of different ones as well because whenever i say this someone in the vicinity goes you should have a corona and like shut up i've had that what about like a desperado you put like a lime in it or whatever it just tastes like sweat with lime in it and also the the lighter they are the more it's like oh well just get like, just give me this. Actually, the only thing worse than tasting like sweat

is tasting like you've watered down the sweat. Like if anything, just go hard with the sweat and then at least you've made a decision. And Guinness was the biggest disappointment of my adult life

because I obviously thought it was going to be creamy. I used to work in bars and stuff and so like, you know, you do it, you have to pull the thing twice and all nice and creamy and

black with a i thought it was going to be so creamy oh it tastes like drainage fluid anyway so that would be also it's very dehydrating on the island so you'd we'd probably die quite soon because there's no water um and it's it makes you wee like a racehorse yes and bloat oh my god the bloating you know and it's all warm as well I don't think we need to yes it would go boiling hot boiling hot wet sweat beer the boiling hot thing I want to say

oh yeah even worse but cold beer tastes awful to me so if anything warm beer would probably go down quicker because I can just like get it down very passionate about this I think it's pent up from years of So if anything, warm beer would probably go down quicker because I can just like get it down. Yeah, very passionate about this. I think it's pent up from years of not being able to get involved in rounds and being like, does anyone else want a wine?

And then being like, I'll just get my own then and feeling like a sad woman. I think you just want to, you just want to, you want to like it. So I think spending all that time on an island where you've got so much to think about and you're so stressed about so many things and then you're like oh and i also need i really now i have to drink this beer and i want to look cool while i drink it but it actually tastes like shit it's just not you just don't need the stress on top of everything else i don't think with the whole bit yeah and look like we're going to be sweating enough so i don't want to be drinking it yeah i think these are fair arguments i mean i'm i'm a beer fan but uh you know i don't like lager.

Don't know the difference. Well, I mean, I suppose beer is the umbrella term. Lager is the fizzy one. And now there are all the pretentious IPAs and stuff, which I enjoy a lot. But I remember, you know, especially as a man, it's kind of quite liberating when you finally go, I don't like lager. It's always like when you sort of admit to it, people go, do you see the match? You're like, no, no, don't have any idea. I don't know if I have. I don't like football. I don always like when you sort of admit to if people go do you see the match you know don't no no don't have any idea i don't know if i have i don't like football i don't know what you mean i don't know if there was a match are you are you pulling my leg oh no it could be a trick anyway but yeah it's one of those things where especially in our country it's like you're it's one of those things you just you're not allowed to not like there's so much stigma

you're like what what do you mean even this one what about this one they all yes and they don't try and make it i remember um an ex-boyfriend of mine was is very like that very like uh lager i eat a lot of meat the things that men should do and i drank pretty much exclusively white wine in that period i might sort of go through periods currently really enjoying argentinian malbecs at the moment but we'll talk about that later um but uh was very much into sauvignon blanc or to honest house white which tended to be so dumb and um i remember the first time he was like we went and he was like maybe i'll have a what and he was like can i have a white wine and he's like yes of course you can and then he's then he specifically only drank sauvignon blanc for like two years and what was

so nice about it was seeing how other guys like reacted to him being like sorry you you want you want a white wine it's like it's a white wine it's not called like it's not girly boob wine like it's all like lady eyelashes like it's a it's a what it's a drink for people to drink like it's so odd that there's that thing it is weird how gendered drinks are though like my ex my ex um i was gonna say husband i've never got married wow my ex boss oh okay wow my lord no my ex boss he um i used to work for him for two years and i went back for a couple of drinks and just catch back up right before the pandemic kicked off really just see everyone and i'd turn to the bar and they were drinking. He's Australian.

It's very, I'm a dude in Australia, in the bush. Very kind of, you know, what do you drink? Beer, cold beer. And there was no accent. And I asked for a, he was like, I'll buy a drink. And I was like, can I have a white wine spritzer? And he was like, no way I'm fucking ordering that. Like, absolutely not.

And I was like, okay, I'll have a big pint of red meat, please. Like, what? You can't even order it. Yeah, just mash a shepherd's pie into a cup and then bring it to me. Set it on fire. Is that manly enough?

Why don't you order it, but with your knob out? Is that helpful? Exactly. So beer, no thank you. All around the table, beer, no thank you. But I table beer no thank you but I was thinking the other day

like wine and beer are like the surely like the two oldest drinks aren't they I mean I haven't done any research but they shouldn't be gendered

because they're just they're the old drinks they've always been here but in the old fashioned you know like when you see like Game of Thrones obviously that's not

a real thing but like whenever they show old period drama not period dramas because that's another thing. Basically war, old wars. No, come on. We all know the old stuff. It's always like history TV, history. Historical things.

Yeah. And there's like, they're going into battle. It's like wine. It's red wine. That's what everyone's drinking, isn't it? They're not not drinking beer. They're drinking red wine out of those nice little, all those lovely, sort of like vases

that they pour and it clinks when they pour it into the glass. And you're like, oh, that's a nice sound. But it's not a woman thing then. So what happened? What happened? But yeah. Annoying. I was once working at a bar at a festival and

afterwards they say oh you know go and take your pick you know you have a free drink to take with you and they had like a wine you know sometimes at the festival bar there's like a separate wine section like jacobs creek or whatever and i was like oh fancy a nice glass of rose because it's a really hot day and i've got this miniature bottle of rose and it was really wet and i couldn't open it and there was this massive guy standing next to me and i was like could you oh it's okay and he's like what's wrong and i was like i just realized i was about to ask if you could open my tiny bottle of rose and at that point it felt very gendered indeed and um yeah and it's because rose is weird delicious rose is just like juice lovely it's like grown-up ribena or something it's great and yeah squash

and juice isn't gendered is it like non-alcoholic drinks aren't gendered really i suppose but it's marketing isn't it it's all marketing it's like the meat thing like all of that gendered meat stuff came from marketing meat towards men yeah and like bodybuilding and but then why market it if you didn't if you didn't put it towards one gender then twice as many people buy it exactly silly but yeah I think you've made a great impassioned argument for beer

and even though I like it I think it's also ridiculous so I think it's fair enough great well thank you again for coming on it's been an absolute pleasure absolute pleasure thanks Daniel thank you for having us. Americans are durable. We take pride in hard work and high quality.

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