Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 4 - MUSIC SPECIAL

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Top of the Cocks is back! We've put together some of the best (worst) music stories and choices from the back catalogue. It's the Brits this week - they're not paying us or anything - but we thought why not use the excuse to put together something fun. If you enjoy what you hear, why not go back and listen to the full episodes! Including; lead-singer of Skunk Anansie, and actual Brit award-nominee, Skin. Journalist and food critic, Jay Rayner. Comedians, Sara Barron, Sofie Hagen and Ash Frith and actor, comedian, rapper, screenwriter, songwriter, and voiceover artist, Ben Bailey-Smith AKA Doc Brown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

With Amex Gold, you can experience the gold standard. You get access to exceptional dining, plus four times membership rewards points on eligible dining purchases. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms apply. Cap applies. Learn more at americanexpress.com slash with Amex. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Whew. Which might lead to another discovery. Wrapping gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season.

Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This is a special show compiled from the choicest nuggets from previous episodes of Desert Island Dicks. It's what we call Top of the Cocks. Because it's the Brit Awards this week, we thought it'd be nice to bundle together

a bunch of guests' funny musical choices. We just thought it'd be fun. We're not getting any money from the Brits or anything. It's just a way of theming some content for you, giving you a little extra. We've got Skin from Skunkinancy in there, who not only is a rock star, obviously, but was nominated for a Brit Awards

and played the awards due in 1997. We've got restaurant critic and musician Jay Rayner. There's Sophie Hagen on her Westlife obsession. Sarah Barron with an incredible celebrity anecdote. We've got Ben Bailey-Smith, also known as Doc Brown in there. And Ash Frith at the end with a takedown of an artist

that after you hear it, you'll never hear the song in the same way again. It's beautiful. So there you go. Thank you for downloading it and for listening. I hope you enjoy it. And do rate and subscribe to this podcast and that way you'll never miss any other episodes that we're putting

out because we're going to be back with a great guest for desert island x in a couple of days as well thanks for listening and enjoy this music themed top of the cocks Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today is singer, songwriter, frontwoman of Skunkinancy, radio host and DJ, Skin. How are you doing?

I'm very good. How are you? I'm good. It's nice to have a bona fide rock star on the podcast. Finally! Oh, well, thank you very much. I appreciate the title. And what's your song choice? It's always interesting hearing, like, a musician's least favourite music. Oh, gosh.

Song choice. Do you know, the songs that I like most genres of music, but there's genres, obviously, that I like more. I'm not so much into rap, so first I went for looking for rap songs. Like, what songs do I really hate? And then I was like, I'm not so much into rap so first I went for looking for rap songs like what songs do I really hate and then I was like I don't hate you enough and then do you know the song that keep coming back to me was one of the best artists in the world which tends to happen you know the greatest artists also get to a point in their career where they just make the worst

music and I think my number one song I would say is michael jackson's heal the world okay yeah fair choice yeah because it's just the most insipid insincere cliched obvious pile of turgid mess my ears have ever heard and when you consider my my whole child was was watching michael jackson like a lot of kids like kids in brixton um and he was the only poster i had on my wall my whole entire life i never had any poster i just had one post of michael jackson at 10 with a big afro um and then he gets his point of career where he makes that and i think it's also just my pain about that song is also attached to the fact that he's just such a genius and he's just so amazing and he just got to the point where he was just doing what he thought the public would buy because that song just says

sell sell sell all over it there is nothing genuine about that song that song all the melodies all the drum installations the chord changes the lyrics how the chorus comes in how the middle eight is every as a songwriter you listen to it and it's just so obvious you know what they're doing and you know they're trying to evoke tears out of people and be this like you know this messiah yeah let's let's just heal the world okay you know we've got plaster big enough let's just put it on there then shall we i mean what does it mean what does it mean to say heal the world? It's just such an awful cliche that should not have got past the 60s.

Yeah. You often sort of get this with like, every sort of few years there'll be one. I'm supposed like the most recent one would be like that Black Eyed Peas, Where Is The Love? And it's a similar kind of thing. Like every now and again you get this song

that goes, hey guys, what if like we didn't kill each other and stuff? And you go, that's a good idea yeah that's a good idea i know i feel like didn't care about race yeah black eyed peas that is a good idea like other people have pointed it out but still good idea you know do you know i mean i like that other market jackson matter if you're black or white it's like actually it does matter if you're black or white. It's like, actually, it does matter if you're black or white. I have a colour. Don't pretend I don't have one. I love my colour and that's attached to my race and my heritage.

I don't want to be colourless. You know, I'd rather be a thing than I don't want to see a colour. It's like, no, I want you to see my colour. That's what's the one of the things that's great about me. It's like, you know, don't not see my colour. Don't just see people as colours and all the same. We're not. You've got to love people for their differences.

There's no one of his that annoy me for that reason. And I think it's just these people who just become so detached from what they're actually trying to say from the message because they're just living in this fucking rich bubble where they lick gold for breakfast or something. And they just become so unaware of you know it's when you especially someone who's written a lot of political songs you have to be aware of like well what are you actually saying you know what what do you want people to do if you want to write an anti-racist song or if you want to write a song that's about

you know the climate you know here the world doesn't say it because that doesn't do anything or make people get up and do anything you know you know it's like you know you know free nelson mandela that's an obvious thing to say it became an anthem for change you know so um that song it's just the insincerity and authenticity of it the lack of authenticity of that song um really winds me up from such from someone who can do so much who used to be able to do so much better you know but go rest your soul crossing myself as I speak and so I just think he just got to this point where it's just all about selling records and that's the message he thought would sell records yeah and I suppose as well by the time he got to

that point there's fewer and fewer people to actually sort of tell him that it's not a great idea like I'm just going to go along with it but I think as well like having time he got to that point there's fewer and fewer people to actually sort of tell him that it's not a great idea like I'm just going to go along with it but I think as well like having something that kind of sickly sweet on an island to deal with that sort of saccharine kind of thing and like I mean Tony Robbins that's got to be an anthem for him as well as like

Skin why don't you want to heal the world maybe that's just something about you it's all about you what he's doing is offering a template as like healing you you know, and you're turning your back on that. So what's wrong with you? What's going on inside, Skip? What's going on inside? And you'd have Lee Francis.

I did a great impression of you, didn't I? Remember that? I forgot about that. Yeah, of course. Can you imagine? Heal the world, make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race i mean i know it off by heart it just it's so obviously poppy but what a shit lyric that is really oh god it feels like that um i mean it's not in a bucket and shit on it it's not that far away from that old coke advert

is it that's what i'd like to teach the world to sing it's like basically the same kind of deal isn't it yeah well you know a coke advert at least it's blatantly trying to sell you something yeah you know um you know it's like i buy this coca-cola you know yeah i don't know michael jackson trying to do his like cool kind of you know um message about anyway that's if i if I again if it was me imagine me Lee Francis doing his impression of Michael Jackson

doing that song I mean that's poison dart into the heart territory you know what I'm loving just thinking of the interplaying

between all the characters and elements you're putting on this island it's very good and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is journalist writer broadcaster and musician Jay Rayner. Hello.

Hello, Dan. How are you? I'm very well. How are you doing today? Well, I'm slightly disturbed by the idea of being marooned on a bloody island. I don't want to go. I don't want to go there at all. I mean, it's not even the possibility of the company or the things. It sounds like a fucking nightmare. It really does. Yeah, and it's a nightmare of entirely your own making as well.

So you only have yourself to blame. Exactly. You asked, I said yes. God knows what, you know, possessed me. But here we are. And what would your song choice be? So some people may know I have a sideline playing jazz. I have a quartet, the Joanna Quartet,

and we do draw on the Great American Songbook. i i love it dearly i love that repertoire i know it very intimately there is one song in there which i hate with an absolute passion and it is my way okay yeah i hate my way not just because it's a dirge, but also because of what it has become. I love Frank Sinatra. If you look over this shoulder, you'll see a picture of a young man. And that is a mugshot of Frank Sinatra in his early 20s, a police mugshot in Hoboken. The offence for which he has been brought up is seduction. In other words, he fucked somebody else's wife.

Sinatra at the Sands, which was not long before the offence of My Way, is one of the greatest live recordings of all time, as far as I'm concerned. But My Way has become this... And again, I think it goes to a certain view of masculinity for pathetic men to make excuses for themselves you know uh what they're really saying is i've fucked up at life i've been

a terrible husband i've been a terrible father i've been a terrible person but at least i did it my way well why don't you do it somebody else's way? The song is poorly written and annoying and just really gets on my tits. And then it's the way that it has become adopted. And it's the people who cling to that version of Sinatra that also drives me nuts. You know, they go, oh, I love Frank Sinatra. I love my way.

And you go, no, you don't understand. That was the point at which he became shit. else before that was all brilliant you're not even paying attention the capital recording songs for swinging lovers all of that stuff the jimmy dorsey's you're not you don't actually love sinatra you love this terrible terrible terrible song which speaks to a certain kind of man you can just imagine gordon ramsay when he gets to 67 standing up at a party taking the mic and singing my way to a terrible backing track and being really pleased with himself and i can say no worse fair enough yeah i think it's because isn't it famously one of the most picked songs at funerals as well i think in in the uk and i just kind of think i hope one day

that song gets buried with the whoever chose it as well so it's gone forever because it's just and it's it's so long it takes so long to get to the kind of swell of it and even then it's just it's not worth the wait i think it's not worth the wait it's not worth the time um i um i don't have much time for the great rock and roll swindle, the Sex Pistols movie, apart from that bit where they do my way and take the piss out of it remorselessly. I love that bit.

Yeah, yeah. I'd be okay with that version, I think. But yeah, it's just... I don't know. It feels like it's a song for people with no imagination because it's like... you know, it's one of those. Yes, exactly. And no capacity to engage with their own emotions.

It's secondhand emotions. Now, obviously, a lot of songs are, and the reason we like them is they give voice to an emotion that perhaps we have not necessarily managed to codify for ourselves but the the emotion of my way uh i've been a jerk but at least i did it my way oh god help me uh it's such a cheap one such a lazy one um it just makes me as you can hear angry yeah cross yeah i just feel it's a very sort of generic go-to so what's your, what's your favourite poem? Kipling's If.

What's your favourite painting? Mona Lisa. What's your favourite song? My Way. And there you go. Done. Yeah, yeah. It's an attempt to the hinterland

for someone who doesn't have one. I'm here to share that Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and podcaster Sophie Hagen. Hello, thanks for having me. No, thanks for coming in. I really appreciate it. How did you find choosing your people for your island? Well, I think when I had to choose just all of it, I just had this like, oh, I can't possibly. And then I was like, oh, who would it even be?

And I was like, oh, well, I guess there is. And then there's also, and then at the end I had like 500 things and people I hate I was like oh this was really easy actually it was harder to choose between

okay let's dive in who's going to be your first choice ooh I think my first one would have to be Brian McFadden

from Westlife now it's a it's hard for me to say like it hurts me deep in my soul having to choose him but I think that's,

I think, you know, I could have chosen someone like Hitler. But, you know, Brian wounded me personally. Oh, wow. It's that bad. Because I was such a big fan.

He's from Westlife, for those of you who don't know, as if anyone doesn't know. He left Westlife. That was his first major offense, which was devastating. March 10, 2004. We'll never forget.

Really? And I was such a big Westlife fan. I was such a big, like the biggest Westlife fan. I was obsessed with Westlife. And then he left. And I remember just like, what was I, 13 or 12, lying like on my bathroom floor, just like crying. Oh, no. Just like trying to explain to my mom why I couldn't go to school today. And it was just, oh, I couldn't.

And his whole thing was to go, oh, it's because I want to spend time with my family and that, you know, I don't have time anymore. And then like two months, and then he released a single. Oh, you dick. It hurt me so much. Did you listen to the solo singles? I did

you know what it's like pop so it's just but when you read the lyrics his what's it called it's called

Irish Sun and when you it's about how he was beaten up and touched by like Irish priests what? those are the lyrics

really? yeah it's like I can't remember the lyrics but it was something something like under their hands, we had bruises on our skin after the... And people were just like, la, la, la, la, la, la.

You're dancing to it. No one was like, what is he doing? He's... Unbelievable. Which I think is kind of great, but again, it kind of went unnoticed. And then when you listen to it now, you're like, imagine being him going, like,

now I'm going to release a single about the horrific abuse I suffered by the priests. And then everyone's just like, yeah, woohoo. When's your next single coming? A lot of the songs were really, really bad. Oh, no. But, you know, catchy. But it was just more the fact that he left this band and he was my favorite.

Was he your favorite? He was. And then I had to choose a new favorite. But my next favorite one was Mark. But my best friend, that was her favourite. Oh, no. I'm not going to go for a Kian Nega Shane, right? You're not mad.

I'm not mad, right? Yeah. I have eyes in my head now. So it was all a bit, you know, it created this ditch in my friendship because now we both, Mike was both of our favorites and, you know, we can't both marry him. Turns out he's gay.

None of us could marry him. Not as if that was the only thing that separated us from him. But then I did a show in 2015 about Westlife, which is, it's on Netflix. If you really search for it,

you have to really dig deep on the BBC, live at the BBC. And also they've edited it poorly. But but anyways the gist of it's there so I thought about being a West Side fan and between I did that show in Edinburgh and till I did it at the Soho Theatre in December so that's like four months I was like I need West Side to come and see this show so I really want West Side to come and see this show they have to come and see this show because it's about them and like my you know it wasn't like I wasn't tearing them apart I was like oh being kind about them and what they meant to me as a teenager

uh so I was trying to get a hold of them like obviously if you're like a comedian that's doing a show about you they're like no this is not gonna to be good. And then I got a boyfriend. We'd been together for six days. And then he was meeting my friends for the first time. Then I got a message from my manager, which was a picture of him with Brian. And then an address. And he said, come to this party now. I had to say to my boyfriend and go, right, okay.

I can't explain this, but we need to go very quickly. And there was a guy in a cab, drove from like east to west London as quickly as we could. Paid like, it was like some weird de-celebrity charity benefit. I had to pay 60 pounds to get in. I was just like, take all my money. Went in and then Brian was sitting there. And my manager was there like, right, okay, this is what we do. And I was like, I parked my boyfriend at the bar.

Like, don't ask any questions. I'll explain later. And I was like, okay, what do we do? And he was like, right, we have to be a level of, like, we can't be like, hi, I'm more famous and successful than you. But I also can't be like, I am the worst. You won't get anything out of meeting me. It had to be somewhere in the middle. So he still saw a benefit in seeing my show,

but also didn't feel like I thought he wasn't more than that. It was a very hard dynamic. So we walked up to him and the first thing he does is he goes, Sophie Hagen, Sophie Hagen, Sophie Hagen. And I was just like, uh. So I went, Brian from so I went Brian from Westlife Brian from Westlife Brian from Westlife

I could see my manager's eyes were like what the fuck and I was like what I how does he know my name and he was like oh yeah

all your fans have been tweeting at me about your show and I was like oh god I didn't know they'd done that so I was like

oh and I said oh um my fans are very lovely. And then he leaned in and he was just like, oh, yeah? Well, my fans are fucking crazy. And I was like, I'm standing in front of you, Brian. I'm right here.

And he was like, you know. I don't think that he hadn't, in my opinion, allegedly, I don't think that he hadn't not in my opinion, allegedly, I don't think that he hadn't not touched drugs. Okay. He seemed very energetic for like a very late evening. He may or may not have touched drugs. Yeah, he may or may not. There was a bit of all of that going on.

And he went to the bathroom quite often. He could have had a poor tummy, I don't know. But yeah, he was just a bit of a... And he said, yeah, okay, I'll come and see your show. He never did, which is his second big offense. Then he tweeted recently something about how – it was the most – I wish I could remember it word for word, but it was something like, Nigel Farage is a terrible politician, something like that. So you start reading it. You're like, oh, this is brilliant. And then it goes, we, something like that. So you start reading it.

You're like, oh, this is brilliant. And then it goes, we need someone like Trump. We're like, oh. Oh, okay. Wow, okay. And then a few years before that, he had tweeted. There was this girl, just a random girl, who had tweeted something about him being on some kind of show,

like a show where he had to jump at something, like he's falling as quickly as his career or something like that. She tweeted her friend about this. And then he replied, like calling her, I think a cunt. And then also wrote something like, I'm going to strangle you with your computer mouse cable or something like that. Really? It's wireless, Brian.

Exactly. And then it was deleted very quickly. No. I'm obsessed with him because he seems like such a dickhead. But to me, he was just this like, do you know? It's like a whole journey. It's so sad. I know.

Do you wish that you hadn't met him maybe? No. No, I'm quite excited about it because they say never meet your idols never meet your heroes and that kind of stuff

yeah I think with him it was never I think with Westlife now it's enough just looking at their

Twitter okay I think one of the things that really worked for them was that they only you could only read about them in newspapers

where they've done interviews where now when they just tweet whatever they think you're like oh really is that is that it yeah okay why did i why was i so fascinated yeah i know i know oh i think that was enough um of that there are certain uh people that i look very much up to that i wish i'd never uh like tried to get in touch with because in my head I was like, oh, can I ask if you want to do my podcast? And then I was like, no. I thought we were going to be friends. You've already built up this huge relationship in your head.

It's like me and you, Sophie. We're going to be best friends after this, aren't we? Best friends. I know, right, OK. Thanks. It's official. I've got it recorded. Brian McFadden.

Wow. I can't say that I've ever had any dealings with him. Anything else about Brian McFadden before we put him on your island? I think there's enough said. I mean, I think he, I think, oh, yeah. And then I did this. Oh, yeah. I tweeted something about how I once recorded a song with my friend.

Oh, God. Can I swear? Is this okay? Yeah, you're fine. Yeah. I mean, I've already said cunt but when we were my friend Sarah when we were

like 13 and we were huge West Side fans we recorded a song on my computer which is a cover let's call it a cover

parody of Hole Again by Atomic Kitten but it was Horny Again so we would be like looking back

you can make us horny again. And we really tried to sing this, none of us could sing. And then we sent it to Westlife, it was like, this is about you. A very horrific thing to do. So I tweeted that, I was like, oh my God, just remember that this is out there somewhere.

Fuck, like this is gonna ruin my career, this is horrible. And then I must have tagged Westlife, or I must Westlife or there must have been a reason for this. Mark then commented and said, oh, was that you? Do you still have it? Oh, no. And I was like, whoa, whoa.

And then I wrote something back. Something happened where Mark said something like, the four of us or something. And then Brian commented and said something like the four of us or something and then Brian commented and said something along the lines of oh yeah you always forgot about me or like I was also in the something like that and then Mark went oh sorry mate I'm really

tired right now something like that and Brian was like oh yeah well okay thank you and I was still tagged into all of these like Brian and Mark having this discussion and I was like oh my god what these like Brian and Mark having this discussion. I was like, oh my God, what have I done?

It's like seeing my parents fight. And then all of these teenage girls who follow them and well, not even teenage girls anymore. Imagine like 40 year olds commenting me like, I love you, Mark.

I love you, Brian. Come to Singapore. Come to Singapore. Yeah, okay. It was so mad. It was so, it was still huge in Singapore. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping.

Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and

Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is writer and comedian sarah barron hello hi sarah how are you i'm absolutely fine thanks how are you good i thought that was really good intro of yourself i really appreciate that thanks should we dive in let's dive in who's going to be your first person so you've asked me for three and i was trying to divvy that up between like you know celebrities basically versus like just personal things things. So one is going to be a game time decision if that's all right. But the one that I'll start with is the most psychotic celebrity I've ever encountered. Wow.

Okay. And I waited, most of my celeb encounters have been because I was a waiter in New York City. Okay. On and off for 10 years. And half of that was spent at like sort of a cool hip restaurant. So the worst person I ever met was Sean Lennon. Wow. He was so horrible that it felt like,

like it almost felt like you were on a candid camera waiting to see, because you're like, no one would behave this way. And I mean, this was years ago. But what happened was I didn't know who he was because he looked so bad in person. Okay. For real. Like I'd seen photos of him and I was like, oh, that's like a hot dude. And then in person it was like three-dimensional moles, which is neither here nor there, but sort of interesting detail.

So I was sort of back and forth to this table without having any clue who this guy was. And I had said to a friend of mine, like, oh my God, the guy on table 19 is a fucking nightmare. And basically it started with me going over and saying like, you know, hi, do you guys have any questions on the menu? And he was like, I don't have any questions on the menu, but can I ask you to change the music? And I was like, oh, unfortunately, you know, know and I worked there for a while so it's like you know unfortunately we can't as much as we would like to cater to everyone's individual tastes we can't and this is you know this is sort of what

our management has chosen is what will be what will be playing for the duration of your meal whatever I would have said and this is a direct quote he said to me he was like here's the thing I know music and this is bad music and then I get like a manager over to explain to him This is a direct quote. He said to me, he was like, here's the thing. I know music. And this is bad music.

And then I get like a manager over to explain to him like that we weren't going to take his iPhone and use his iPhone. Like it started there and it went downhill. It's so embarrassing that he said that. Yeah, it was really, really crazy. Because I always thought there would be like most celebrities were a bit weird the way that you would, like how do you stay normal through that experience? Sure. But most of them also have some semblance of wanting to perform.

Right, okay. Normalcy or decency. And then whether or not you can kind of catch them out being like, you're a dick, but you're trying to perform otherwise. And this was just like this real naked lunacy. It's just like out and out. Yeah. Yeah. So he's person number one. It's just out and out. Lunacy. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's person number one. Does he feel like everyone knows who he is? I think he, I think he must have done. Because I know who he is, but I'm pretty sure that if I stood next to him on the tube, I don't know if I. You don't think you'd know him? I don't know.

I wonder if that's different i was in new york and i wonder like he's like a new york guy actually yes yes um i can picture him but i'm just like like where does he get off just going around just being like i can just throw him away i mean because don't you feel like if you were him you just a word you'd never say is music yeah for sure like that would just be like a thing you didn't talk about and then he was talking about um he wanted some kind of dessert wine or something like a grappa and i was saying oh well we don't because we're this kind of restaurant we don't serve grappas but i can bring like a sommelier over who could recommend and he was just like

that i remember being like it's crazy that you don't serve that oh being like okay just the absolute do you think he's doing that everywhere he goes do you know what i remember reading in the newspaper like there's like this gossip columnist at the time and i remember seeing in the newspaper like a couple years later that he had like he was trying to find a girlfriend in the newspaper or something. You're like, oh, like this was a guy on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Right. Okay.

Sort of getting there. But yeah, I think that like, like. Don't take that out on. Yeah. But people, I also think that they really, like there just is stuff. If there's a celebrity that comes into your restaurant, like there's a way that gets catered to. And there's like insurance policies in place so that if a certain kind of person walks in and you're on a two hour wait,

that person is not going to have to wait. Sure. And you just think if you kind of move through life that way. He's getting that treatment all the time. Yeah, like of course he's going to. Yeah. You'd have to be very, very decent of heart to be able to like make it through that without being horrendous sure hmm sean lennon and here to share their desert island dicks with us

today is actor musician comedian podcaster and more he's an all-round polymath it's ben bailey smith also known as doc brown how are you? Yeah I'm not too bad I'm feeling good it's I've got that Friday feeling you know I feel very positive so it's I've got to turn my brain around to get really nice and negative for this particular concept that you've come up with. Well maybe it will just sort of make sure there is no negativity left in you. Yeah. You know it's like think of it as a purge a cleanse you know and and then hopefully it won't get you too riled up i mean you know you you're involved in so many different things does that mean that you're you know relatively calm person and methodical or you know do you kind of get quite passionate about stuff and riled up

easily no i think i'm i'm very very calm which means if I do get riled up, it's a problem because it's very rare. So I'll explode. I have one daughter who's very similar. She never gets upset, but that occasion that she does, you've got to batten down the hatches because it's going to get nasty. Whereas the other one,

she's always flying off the handle every day. So this is totally different. Don't take her that seriously. Yeah. I just don't see any point in getting worked up about stuff i'm just more of an observer and i think about it that way you do get things done much more efficiently if you just watch you just watch and observe and take a breath and then make your decision if you're a reactive person i think you might be more well remembered i suppose you might be more like highly regarded um but you're gonna make a lot of mistakes man there's plenty of songs i hate but there's only one that genuinely angers me the only time i'd

hear it is in the back of the cab because you know someone's got greatest hits radio on or something or this is this is hot or something like that breakfast at tiffany's yeah that song there's loads of songs that are irritating you just turn them off there's loads of other songs that are just like oh why do you like that song it's rubbish breakfast at tiffany's i find offensive in its shitness it's got like less chords than an Oasis song. It's the chorus itself is two notes. The melody is two notes. And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's? And then remember the film. And as I recall, we both kind of liked it.

Is this chorus still going on? And I said, well, there's one thing we've got. Are you taking the piss? Yeah, there's one thing we've got. Are you taking the piss? Yeah, there's one step away from being a siren at that point. Yeah. Jesus Christ. There's such a one-hit wonder. Oh, really?

What a surprise that they didn't have any other songs. Like, can you imagine what the rest of their catalogue is like? Oh, man, yeah. The songs that were not even close to being good enough to charting. any other songs like can you imagine what the rest of their catalog is like oh man yeah the songs that were not even close to being good enough to charting it sounds really like it should have been the theme tune to something you know like you know like um like maybe it was in the running for friends yeah exactly didn't quite make it exactly yeah it feels like a song that was a theme tune then they released it but it's not like that was that was someone's band that's what they released and that was you know that was their song they were happy

with you know you're happy with it you can picture the engineer going what are you are you fin it is that yeah okay okay no no cool cool i'll invoice you i didn't i didn't i just thought we'd be here for a bit longer no no it's fine it's fine no honestly it's fine i'll call my missus we'll go up for for a meal great it's lovely to meet you guys all the best do you mean wow it is the most basic piece of songwriting i think i've ever heard and yet so irritating because basic songwriting on the surface there's nothing wrong with it a simplistic idea i remember reading interviews with like Evan Dando, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, who all said like they were as inspired

by like nursery rhymes as by anything else because the simplicity of a melody is the thing that really like grabs somebody. And it's true. You know, you think about a lot of their songs. If you hear some of Kurt Cobain's harmonies, if you take out like the rawness of the lyrics and the rawness of his lyrics and the rawness of his actual sound of his vocals it's really like

playful playground music same with evan dando same with a lot of lennon's early stuff you know so there's nothing wrong with it and like i say there's nothing wrong with having only a couple of chords oasis proved that you know having incredibly catchy basic songs there's nothing wrong with it but if you're gonna like take that and run with it to the extent that i can't even remember what the band's called breakfast at tiffany the extent they did where they're just like it's almost like a middle finger to the history of music i'm just gonna nasally sing this this. And I think it's also the attempt at being quirky that annoys me. Yeah. Did you find the name of the band?

What are they called? Deep Blue Something. Wow, they couldn't even bother to finish their band name. Wow. Yeah. It's Deep, Deep Blue, Deep Blue, Deep Blue Something, guys. Think of something. Come on.

Deep Blue, Deep Blue. Oh, fuck it. Let's just go and get lunch. Yeah. Deep Blue Deep Blue something guys think of something come on Deep Blue Deep Blue oh fuck it let's just go and get lunch yeah Deep Blue something and that just says it all couldn't even be bothered to finish writing their own name

yeah it's the attempt at oh quirk you know oh this is a bit different oh this is a bit strange

isn't it a bit off centre it's a bit left field yeah you can imagine he's got like a waistcoat and a little straw trophy at an angle and you think at the same time Jarvis Cocker is like effortlessly writing uh uh what seem like simple stories about life that are actually quirky and left field and when they hit you you're like oh my god this doesn't only speak to me this feels like he's talking about the state of the nation you know

where we're at in modern history if it felt profound within its within its simplicity you know that's happening at the same time that that you're writing that i would have been embarrassed to release it but they did i feel like it was around for a long time as well like i think it's still go go and get go and get a cab now you have to turn on like heart it will be played no of course but i mean like i don't know if it got to number one or whatever but it felt like it was fairly big for a while but yeah i agree with you i think and it's exactly the sort of thing that will just, it will just stick with you though

because it's just that sort of annoying thing that catches, you know, like you'll be walking around the island, you catch yourself humming it and then go, oh God, you know, you've got to tell yourself off, like stop doing that, you know. Yeah, I don't get it with the chorus

because I hate that chorus more than any chorus ever written in the history of music. But I sometimes get caught out by the verse. You know, you'd be walking along just like you're saying... What is that? Is that the Beatles? Oh, my God, it's not. It's the antithesis of the Beatles. It's the worst song ever.

Fuck, did anybody hear me? Yeah, scary times. It's a strong choice. Okay. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Ash Friff hello hi Ash how are you I'm brilliant I'm really good I almost meant hi comedian then

hi comedian because you said are you is it just a comedian now and I was like yeah all right yeah yeah just comedian that is all I am here he is comedian just comedian they'll know all I am. Here he is, comedian. Just comedian. They'll know me from that.

If you just say, if you just put on it, comedian, they'll go, oh, that'll be Ashford. Oh, that'll be Ashford. Yeah, yeah, he's a comedian. He's the only one. And what's going to be your song choice for your island? Right, this, I mean, I've worked hard at this. Okay. I text you earlier today. I was very interested in this, yeah.

I, it's, the song is The Look by Roxette. It's the laziest song I've ever heard. I get amazed by it. You know you hear songs and there's just nothing to it. So I don't mind the nonsense song. But this song, they've just filled. They've got the rhythm. They've got the music. They've got everything've just filled they've got they've got the rhythm they've

got the music they've got everything and then they thought right so the song is um she's got the look she's got the look she's got the look she's got the look and then i thought you were going to sing it then i mean i'll sing it if you want me to sing it because i've just told you almost all of the words yeah they felt right so what i did today was i broke the song down there's nothing to it there's nothing it's so lazy they went that's a brilliant tune we've got 10 minutes to write it she's got the look she's got the look she's got the look she's got the look and then they they say she's got the look 28 times and that's a four minute song times four minute song there's a 20 second introduction, like an instrumental introduction to that song.

You know, it goes for 20 minutes without a word being said. 20 seconds, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the middle of the song, there is a 40 second instrumental break. Right? So that is a minute of a four minute song that is just music. There is a stop in that song where they break for about five, like maybe three seconds of silence

they say she's got the look 28 times they say la and she says la la la la la she's got the look they do that 20 times they say la 20 times the worst bit, you'll know this song if you don't know the song you'll know it from this bit

where they go na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na she's got the look right what are you doing

like that is like they just went right we've got to think of some words for this bit afterwards but right now just na the way through it

they say na in that song 148 times no way and I know that because today I listened to it in slow motion

and I tapped on a counting app every time they said nah. 148 times. Your commitment to this has been so good. That isn't the end of it though, James, because what I then did was I thought, what would this song be if you took out every other word that wasn't either she's got the look, nah, or la. I took it out.

I edited the song. And I have uploaded it today onto SoundCloud. Nice. There is no difference in the song. What? It's the same song. No. Honestly, you will listen to it.

It's still three minutes. I think it's two minutes, 40 seconds long. It's quite long. If you imagine that a minute of that is just instrumental. Yeah. And it's the same song. I've taken every other word out and you wouldn't tell the difference. No way. Yeah. Honestly, I'll send

you the link to it. You can listen to it and you tell me. Can I include some of it here? Oh, please include all of it here. Okay, let's put a little bit of it in here. She's got the look. She's got the look. She's got the look. of it in here. And that's what it sounds like. It's the same song. Unbelievable. You've taken out

every other word. That's crazy. You write music, don't you? You play music. I do, yeah. So imagine if, I imagine sometimes if you write a, don't you? You play music. I do, yeah. So imagine if... I imagine sometimes if you write a bit of music and you play it and you go,

like, this is a nice little tune I've got here, and you haven't worked out the words yet, you just go... Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Work out later. Yeah. They've sung millions. Oh, my God.

It's the laziest thing I've ever heard. You've just given me an idea. Just don't write the lyrics. You don't have to. Wow. Everyone knows that song. That's unbelievable. They're making a fortune out of this. It's insane.

Yeah, it is. You're right. That'd be painful as well. You've got this for the rest of your life, right? And you're listening to that, and you're thinking to yourself... I would have written words for it that's what I should have done today you should have done the words for it in the bit

I should have done a new verse that's so good Ash, thank you so there you go that was desert island dicks top of the cocks music edition so i hope you enjoyed that i really enjoyed listening back to some of those old ones that i haven't heard in a little while and uh if you enjoyed that as well well hey look don't wait for us to serve up another top of the cocks why don't you just delve right into our back catalogue yourself? We've got over 200 episodes in Spotify and wherever else you get your podcasts. So just have a little rummage and pull out a dick. I reckon they're all pretty good, but there's some really, really special ones in there as well.

So worth taking the time to have a look if you've just come to this podcast and you've recently discovered us. Desert Island Dicks is a Sink Clap production. That means it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon it was produced and presented by me dan benedictus and uh actually it was presented by james deacon as well in the past when he used to do it you can hear him in a couple of those uh nuggets in the in this episode um as ever we couldn't do this show without the the of James's dad, John Deacon, because he's the one who knows our back catalogue better than anyone and helped us put together a lot of the clips for this show. So thank you as always, John. Like I said before, we're going to

be back later in the week with a really special guest that I can't wait to share with you. And so until then, I'm going to shut up. But thanks for listening. That's it. Bye.