Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 5 - DRAG SPECIAL

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

This is a Top of the Cocks, drag special, in solidarity with the Honor Oak Pub in South East London, which is due to be picketed by a bunch of people who find the idea of drag queens offensive. But they’re not, they’re really great and entertaining and we stand in solidarity with them. Featuring Jinkx Monsoon and Major Scales, Divina De Campo, Glamrou and Crystal. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks and welcome to another Top of the Cox. It's a compilation of some bits we've enjoyed and we think you might too, you know, in case you missed them the first time around or forgotten about them. We've got so many episodes in our back catalogue, so have a little rummage around and see what dicks you can pull out. Previously, when we've done a Top of the Cox, we've tried to think of a theme that matches what's happening the week that we release it. Like we did a music

themed one the other week when it was the brit awards and uh we re-released our tom kerridge episode when great british menu was back on the telly the other week although that was a full episode not technically a top of the cocks but anyway this week we weren't sure what to base it around but then i read about how at the honor oak pub in southeast london near where i live there's a load of people who are protesting because the pub is doing this drag queen near where I live there's a load of people who are protesting because the pub is doing this drag queen story time event. So there's a load of sort of

right wing angry people getting whipped into a frenzy saying that children shouldn't be exposed to this sort of thing you know as if it's some big sexualised thing which is obviously not going to be just a fun event with some drag queens doing stories and teaching kids about diversity and inclusion and that sort of thing.

So it just sort of felt unfair to turn that into a big politicised event. And I just think it's sad that people are protesting these kind of things, really. So when we read about this whole thing, we thought that in a small act of solidarity with the Honor Oak pub, we'd do a Top of the Cocks episode and we'll make it a drag queen special. Because although we may talk about people and things that we hate on this podcast you know we stand for inclusion and diversity and not horrible hateful protests. So here's a load of clips from the wonderful

Jinx Monsoon and Major Scales, Davina DeCampo and from drag pop super group Denim, Glamroux and Cristal. It's really funny I hope you enjoy it they were all brilliant so here is our drag queen special of Top of the Cocks. Hi I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today, I'm very excited to say we have the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 5,

Jinx Monsoon, and her musical partner, Major Scales. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hello and welcome to The Island. Thank you for having us. Yeah. Where have you come from? I believe you just got off the train or something, right? Yeah, we were in Scarborough last night.

Scarborough to The Island. How was Scarborough last night? It was lovely. It was lovely. Great audience. Was it? A lot of energy. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, a lot of drunken yelling at us as we were leaving the theatre from random parts of town. Oh, yeah.

Okay. They did yell at us drunkenly, didn't they? Okay. But good yelling. Good yelling. They were happy to see us. It was celebratory. Oh, celebratory.

What you deserve. Perfect. Brilliant. Okay. Normally what happens here is we dive straight into the island. So who's going to be your first choice? Well, you know, it's lucky we actually both just flew, so we know what it feels like to be terrified of crash landings.

Oh, really? Okay, yeah. I think so. I think when you travel for a living, you think about it the more you fly. Oh, you guys are frequent flyers, right? Well, yeah. And then I think, you know, if it's going to happen one in a million, I at least have flown a million times. At least a million times. if it's going to happen one in a million, I at least have flown a million times.

At least a million times. So it's going to happen soon. It's just right around the corner. It feels like the more you do it, the more likely. Well, we're upping the odds. Yeah. It has to be. Okay.

Well, so you've crashed on the island. Who's going to be your first choice? The people who walk too abreast on narrow sidewalks or who clog up the escalators or the moving pathways and airports when you're walking at a pace and they somehow roadblock you. Absolutely. The general idea is that they just have no consciousness about other people existing behind them. They must not have gone to acting school and gained that kinesthetic awareness. But I have a problem with it because it's so hard for me to say, excuse me, without it coming out passive aggressive. What's your best excuse me?

See, it already sounds itchy. Excuse me. I can't do it. I was raised in the Northwest. I mean, yeah, a problem we face every day if you live in the city, right? It's an absolute nightmare. I mean, is there a solution or is that it? I think you just have, I think you really, like New Yorkers, people with, people with, or cities with people who are more forward, they have it right.

Just go. Yeah. Push past them if you need to. Be nice about it, but you got to get to where you're going. I like to use, like, especially on busy sidewalks, if you're a frequent goer of gay clubs, you may know. Frequent goer of gay clubs, you may know. Frequent goer of gay clubs. If you know what I mean. If you're often at clubs, you know how to push past people.

It's a gentle arm in front. The shouldering technique where you're basically rolling past them. You're kind of, you know, being, it's kind of like a nice touch, but also get out of the way. This makes sense to any goers of gay clubs. Yes, you know the goers of gay clubs. Okay, now you're on my list for people in the island

because you said goers of gay clubs. Goers of gay clubs. What's the correct term? Oh, I don't know, denizens of the nightlife. Oh,

okay. Well, there you go. Right, okay. Both good band names. Yeah, they are.

Very nice. Okay, yes, those, absolutely, and they go on the island. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Glamrou and Chris Stahl from drag pop supergroup Denim. Hiya. Hi. Hi, dicks. Who's going to be your second choice?

We chose Ed Sheeran, James. Yeah, okay, yeah, Ed Sheeran. Not the first time Ed Sheeran's been mentioned on this, but I'm interested to see. Well, I mean, I actually think Ed Sheeran's quite profound in the fact that he's so profoundly sort of inconsequential.

He's so astoundingly mediocre. It's actually, I think, in itself quite a historical moment for Britain and the world in the way that there's this huge cultural conversation about someone with so little credibility i mean i actually find how average he is to be almost remarkable in itself it's a feat yeah he's he offers so little i think he was like the top five one two three four and five of like the most streamed person of last year i think it literally

when we talk about the dearth of the 21st century the collapse the sort of rising xenophobia of brexit the kind of birth of neo-fascism with trump i think within that historical textbook we'll also talk about the masses appreciating ed sheeran as a kind of another symptom of a really failing global climate. It's worse than global warming, really. And in fact, I would say, let's put that on. You know, where's the Paris Agreement on that? How to limit the number of streams, how to limit the number of discussions, how to limit the number of number ones.

It's a plague. This is like a global, this is going to need every nation to really limit his, his, his. Reach. His reach. As I say, it's worse than carbon commissions and all we can do is try and reduce the damage

that's already there. Also, like, he looks like what you'd imagine, like, an imaginary friend to look like. You know, like, when you're young, like, and you have an imaginary friend, just like Ed Sheeran looks like that. that you know i mean i've got this friend and he's like drawn all over his arms like yeah you know and he looks kind of like a whoopee cushion in the face although i look a little bit i know but not to you can't see me right now that sounds like really harsh i the

worst thing about ed sheeran for me is that a lot of people have told me that I look like him when I don't have any makeup on. So there's a real sore spot there. But I'm reading myself and reading Ed Sheeran. Have people said that you look like Ed Sheeran a lot? I've had Ed Sheeran. I've had Keith Lemon. I've had genuinely Donald Trump. One time I was on a French Have I Got News For You thing and they were like, oh my God, we met Donald Trump's son. And was on a French, like, have I got news for you thing.

And they were like, oh, my God, we met Donald Trump's son. And it was me. And it was like super not funny. But it's literally OK. I made peace with the way I look a long time ago. And then had a lot of surgery. But you don't want to be, you know, you don't be compared to Ed Sheeran. I mean, you know, I do want that level of fame, if I'm honest.

But I do think, going back to Glamour's far more salient point, that, you know, I think genuinely this global adoration of Ed Sheeran is quite symptomatic of like... A dying society. Yeah, like where things are now. I just don't get it. It's just not good. I've really tried.

I've tried to listen and it's not good. We were at Glastonbury when he performed and it was really funny, James, because we were supposed to do the Pyramid that night. Okay. And it was just like a little funny thing. Like we just wound up with the energy of the field. The trees weren't talking to me.

And I just said, you know what? I'm not doing this gig. And we actually had a lot of fun just playing a budge a little stage. Yeah. In the Greenpeace area, which we're much happier. They're actually really pleased with that decision. Yeah.

But when I went and saw Ed Sheeran performing and saw the audience, it was like 150,000 vegetables, sort of, just kind of receiving just utter monotony, like monotonous, inconsequential music. And it kind of felt like a sort of a huge lobotomy had been performed on Glastonbury.

Oh, wow. That is amazing. So really, I think why we don't want him on the island is because we want our brains to keep going. We play Sudoku James. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We play cryptic puzzles.

We're not fucking kidding around with our brain speed. And Ed Sheeran, I think, would just stop us being able to get off the island because of the rate at which he would reduce our brain function because he's so limited. He's bringing you down. Although, if you are an Ed Sheeran fan, because there are a lot of them,

come to the show and we will show you real entertainment. Yeah, okay. Oh my God, Ed Sheeran stans are literally going to be coming to our house, aren't they? They're going to come to the mosque. And also, we love the fans, but we just wake up fans, you know? It's like everyone thinks Mariah Carey can still

sing and she just can't. It's like that same thing. We just have to be honest about these things in order to be better people. In order to fight climate change, really. It's the same thing. Be honest about Ed Sheeran, reduce your cob. Ed Sheeran agreement. I'm calling on all the leaders of all nations.

I was just going to say my next island person. Oh, please dive in. I just can't wait to talk about this. But it also makes me seem kind of like trash because I have to admit how frequently I go to Subway sandwich shops. And to be fair, you do tend to get upset at people in line with you in general. I just hate lines. I think it's the most bourgeois thing about me, probably because I'm a frequent flyer.

I never have to wait in line. So then I go to a Subway sandwich shop with my pretentious ass. Definitely. But I always get stuck behind someone who's never been to a Subway sandwich shop and can't intuit anything about it. And so they sit there and they go, well, what's on the turkey sandwich? No. Well, it comes with whatever you want on it. Okay, well, if I got the turkey sandwich, what would come with it? Oh, can I have this?

But could I also have this? Yes, you can have that. At a certain point, how are you, whatever age you are, and you've never eaten at a Subway sandwich shop? Yes, oh my God. And I think in a similar vein, for me, it's been Starbucks people who don't know what a Starbucks is. Oh, and what's in the latte? Oh, and they have to pour over the list. Just get your coffee.

Just get your coffee. The people who go up there. I want to spend as little time as possible in here. Ice cream counters and go, well, what's the chocolate one taste like? It tastes like chocolate. How have you made it this far in life? Oh, my God. What's your Subway order?

Oh, God, don't make me say it. Don't, please. Don't make me say it. Probably, I normally get, like, you know, chicken breast and pepperoni if I'm feeling festive. Jalapeno, lettuce, tomato, red onion. And in the UK, I also get sweet corn because that's not an option in the States. Oh, why? We don't put corn in our sandwiches for some reason.

Okay. I don't know really why you do put corn in your sandwiches so often, but it makes sense to me in tuna salad, I guess. How often are you going to the subway? Oh, don't answer that question. Please, I'm not going to. It's just a very convenient lunch when you don't have a lot of time between your nap and your opening night. When you're on the road. I was not throwing blame then.

No, you couldn't know. When you're on the road, you know, and you're going to two hour drive from one city to the other. And the only things you have are the service stations in between. Sometimes Subway is the best offer. I mean, if it's between Subway and Burger King, then, you know, what's the healthier option? Yeah, for sure. It's all trash food anyway. We're all going to die.

Look, this is about lines, not about Subway. Yeah, I'm sorry. Apologies. Let's not attack Subway. Okay, people, look, if you're getting'm sorry. Apologies. Right, okay. Let's not attack Subway. Okay. People, look, if you get in a line, you know what you want. You want a sandwich or you want a coffee. Yeah.

I say don't get in line until you know the order. Stand to the side. Yes. Yeah. Get in line when you know what you're doing. Have that, people. The reason why I think I, I mean, it's my fault I hate lines so much because I want to spend as little time doing anything other than laying down watching TV as possible. So I, you know, like I factor out my day.

Like if I have to be at the theater by four, I can leave the flat by 325, stop at the subway. And it's normally a quick enough thing that I can grab my sandwich get to the theatre, eat it real quick before I have to become a lady and do my show that night so anyone who throws off my meticulously planned schedule that has allowed me to stay in bed until 3pm

I'm furious at them, they should know better you need all your energy for that show right? all that chicken need all your energy for that show right all that chicken and uh and pepperoni energy yeah hey mine's turkey and bacon with chipotle sauce i'm no better apologies i didn't ask you that no no that's okay you were holding that back nice to be no sorry okay people in line. Great.

And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is drag queen and singer Davina DeCampo. Hello. Hello. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Well, so my absolute least favourite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad well so my absolute least favourite food is uh broad beans okay yeah broad beans yeah they're one of those things i don't know if they're anyone's favourite are they and you start i wonder why they still exist yeah well i don't know my mum absolutely loves a broad bean really used to put it in stews and on your oh god they're just hideous they're like sour they're hard they're the skin on them is like tough it doesn't you can't chew them probably they're just disgusting everything about them is disgusting and like when they're cooked you know they go from a sort of normal green color to a sort of green pustular shape instead of being like a normal bean or pea or you know they just

they end up looking really insipid and ill they look like they're just filled full of puss and then they taste like sour old toenails they're just absolutely disgusting everything about them is foul they're one of those i remember seeing a cooking show and it was one of something like hugh fernley whittingstall or something you know that cooking shows they always do that thing where they go oh you've told me that you don't like this food well let's see if we can change your mind so i'm going to put loads of other shit with it and then you're going to try it and you're going to go oh yeah actually that's all right and you just think well all right if you've put everything else with it then maybe that's not as bad as it

was but it's still not nice you haven't really sold it to me and maybe just pick another bean you know there's enough beans aren't there absolutely absolutely there is a whole world full of beans choose from them let's let's just leave the broad beans in the past i can imagine a spin-off for divina's world of beans where you know it's um it's actually a new funfair attraction yeah you know dare you enter yeah and so and does your mum still serve them up if you go around for tea no um thankfully not although i don't think it would stop her um if the mood came upon her but i i feel like the mood has not come upon my mother to cook broad beans for a while which which I'm glad of. And of this awful food, is there an absolute worst type?

I mean, tinned or fresh? Is there a worst of the worst? No, I think broad beans just generally are pretty disgusting, however they are. The dried ones, the fresh ones, tinned ones, they're all just gross, aren't they? And why anybody would still be farming them i have no idea yeah it's it's strange how you can get that sort of bitterness into them it's like who bred that in and thought yeah who thought yeah that really bitter flavor that's it that's what i want that's what i'd like next to my sunday roast come on bit abroad bit absolutely sick no way so i've got an image of old farmers

in the olden days you know farming their beans and one comes up and he's like lads try this one i've got a new i've got a new kid on the block here and everyone's like oh john i don't know mate and he's like why you know you plow your own furrow literally but they'd be all going yeah really good john that's it that's a great bean idiot what an idiot wouldn't they john broad that was one less competitor in the map well probably that was probably who it was wasn't it john broad he's got a lot to answer for he can get in the bin with the rest of them you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host

endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. So mine, I'm quite a big girl. Oh, you agreed with that. You were supposed to say, oh, honey, you're not. No, I was just taking it all in. I was just taking it all in.

Whatever, you know. No, no, it's fine. I love it. I love my body. I'm kind of a big girl. And I love most foods, but I fucking hate goat's cheese. I love it. I love my body. I'm kind of a big girl. And I love most foods, but I fucking hate goat's cheese. I hate it. Oh, really?

But this is because before I became the queen that I am now, I actually studied veterinary medicine. There's a bit of a story here. And I spent a lot of my teen years on a goat farm. Genuinely, this is a true story. Is this true story? I promise you. On a goat farm, fingering goats in the butthole.

Why were you fingering goats in the butthole? Because it's about palpating, you know, like the newborns or whatever. Like, it's a really good health check to basically finger a goat in the asshole, like you would fist a cow, which I've done a lot of too. So what are you looking for in there?

You're looking for, like, everything to be in order. You kind of get, get like wrist deep or whatever if it's like ailing or pregnant does it hurt them? no I mean goats eat like shoes it's like they can take a fist in the ass are they quite loose? no not necessarily I mean they're not huge

a cow's fairly loose I got shoulder deep in a cow once and are they like pleasured? no but they're fine with it like it's actually and i'm genuinely if you listen honeys if you ever get the chance to fist a cow just try it because if you go elbow deep into it shoulder deep honestly nothing has ever felt like going back into the womb more it's like so like i really want to do it is warming it like you know like peristalsis from the you know sigmoid colon

happens around your arm it's pushing you can feel it and it's literally like oh my god mama I'm back in the womb it's like beautiful but I spend a lot of time fingering goats a lot of time and the thing about goats that I don't that you know that is

true is that the way that goats in life smell is the same way that goats' cheese tastes. That is not the same for cows. The way cows smell is not the same as cows' cheese or milk smells in life. But goats have a very distinctive smell, and that smell is how goats' cheese tastes. So it just, like, brings back all these weird memories for me.

I, like, I'm eating, like, a cracker with some cheese, like, thinking about fingering a goat. And, like, I don't want to do that over like a business lunch or you know lunch with my third husband i just don't want to be thinking about that how does it smell like it tastes i'm trying to like they smell like and taste like a barber wax jacket yeah okay for the country bumpkins among us that's like overpowering the room it's like take off the fucking jacket it smells like goats and you know what know what? It's so interesting. I'm really, really fascinated by those jackets because a lot of straight men wear them.

And it's like, not only do you have to dominate my world with, you know, your politics and being in every film, it's like you then walk into this room and you literally alter the olfactory situation. And we now have to know that you're here. A multi-sensory oppressive experience. And we now have to know that you're here by sense.

A multi-sensory oppressive experience. And you know, I've been charting this. Okay. When straight men are in a room and they breathe louder than everybody else, I've noticed them take up space even with their breath. Okay. I'm very conscious of my breath now.

But you're allowed to because you're queer and therefore you're actually just using the breath that was denied of you from systemic oppression. It's interesting though. I think the barber jacket was a sort of Trumpism of clothes. Okay, okay. From goat's cheese to Trumpism of clothes.

Thank you for sharing your goat's cheese fingering story. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. And what drink would you be washing this down with? So this might be a bit contentious for lots of people, but tequila. Mmm, yeah. I hate the taste of tequila.

I absolutely hate it. If it was a colour, it would be brown. That's what it would be. Yeah. And not the kind of, you know, nice, loamy, earthy brown. It would be that sick, when you've got a really poorly stomach, brown. It would be that gravy train brown. The chicken soup of explosive diarrhoea brown. That would be the colour it would be that gravy train brown. The chicken soup of explosive diarrhea brown.

That would be the colour it would be. It's just so disgusting. And the stuff that it's made out of also is horrible. Agave. We've got some in the garden. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was aloe vera because they look quite similar yeah um it's not aloe vera and if you do ever have to cut down any agave in your garden

make sure you're wearing gloves i didn't and it has these tiny spores in the sap which are like fiberglass that get inside your skin and they cause dermatitis so i had dermatitis on my hands for a full month itchy as hell and then for a full year afterwards it can just happen at any point just reoccur ding there you are you've got your dermatitis back and so it's awful it's the flavor of tequila is disgusting and the plant that it's made out of is foul absolutely horrible that's incredible i didn't know that much about the agave plant every day is a school day no wonder it's sort of like invented by like tough mexican cowboys it was probably like a bet wasn't it it's like do you dare drink the thing you know i've got the most in you know the most

vicious plant out there and i've made booze from it who wants some and you went yeah come on absolutely and and it's got these massive uh spines on it as well that properly rip into your skin as well you know they they're hooked and so they claw into your skin when you're handling the leaves of it oh man it's awful it's a horrible thing i think that tequila is one of those love it or hate it's very's very Marmite like that, isn't it? I mean, I think there was a time I really enjoyed it, but if you've been sick off it once, that's it. There's no coming back ever, I think. Yeah, which was, you know, very much the same for me

with various other spirits, but not tequila. Tequila is the one which I've never, ever enjoyed, ever. I don't really tend to do shots that much because i'm a grown-up and um like every every few years on my birthday someone will go oh do you want to you know do you want a shot and i'm like no just get me just get me a normal drink and then someone will go here's a tequila and i'll put in my hand i'll go well it's been three or four years maybe it's okay now and i'll throw it back and it's like my body rejects it it's not even like i can throw it back and it's like my body rejects it it's not

even like i can't even physically get it down my throat just closes up it's like oh no you don't get out of here exactly and you know and it's all right it's okay if you're outside in a pub garden or something you can spit it into a flower pot but like there's been times i've been around a big table and i'm like because i can't i can't do anything with this i'm gonna die now this is how i this is how it ends on my birthday in a pub garden because of a shot of tequila yeah yeah yeah quite the gravestone the epitaph readeth yeah and on a desert island as well when it's really hot and like just to have that to drink i mean yeah exactly well that's the thing you die quite quickly from dehydration as well yeah

also people say it's quite a feisty drink don't it's like people get quite riled up on it it's like one of those drinks like stella that sort of seems to make people go mad and the three people that you've already picked sending them mental on tequila. Yeah, probably not a great plan. Probably what I would have to do is I would have to feed them the broad beans, then leave and leave them a crate of tequila. And I'd have to run away and hide while they kill each other. Yeah, yeah, that sounds like a sound plan.

Yeah. I think you've got to be suspicious of a drink where, like, eating raw lemon afterwards is a relief. Yeah, and salt. Yeah. How did this happen where you kind of go, oh, thank God, lemon, and you just bite into a chunk of lemon for relief? You know, normally that would be a practical joke.

If you ate some lemon, you'd be like, oh, God, this is awful. But it's like a sweet, sweet relief. Yeah. I mean, and then the idea that you would put a dead worm in the bottom of it. And then you would eat that dead worm. Because that would be so full of it. Absolutely not. This is just what makes me think it's like,

it was just invented as like, who's got the biggest dick sort of Mexican drinking game for cowboys. But it doesn't translate to the real world. Like, it's all good when you're in the desert and you're lonely and you want to see who's tough enough. But, you know, I just want to go for a drink. Exactly. I don't want to fight with the drink itself or any i don't really want to fight with anybody around me to

be honest i just want to have a nice time oh man yeah okay so tequila and broad beans very good yeah tequila the drink of brown fortunately for you both you won't be able to have entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? So there is this song,

which I used to listen to when I was a child back in the north of England, that my dad used to love. My dad's a really good man and has learned a lot about being more politically engaged. But my dad used to love this song by Jack Jones,

an old sort of Burt Bacharach era muse, singer. That's right, right? Yeah. And there's this song called Wives and Lovers. Yes, I know the song. It is the most... And I remember literally listening to called Wives and Lovers. Yes, I know the song. And it is the most, and I remember literally listening to it and being like,

oh my God, I love this song. And if you listen to the lyrics, it's unbelievable. Yeah. Don't think because there's a ring on your finger You needn't try anymore For wives should always be lovers too In a way, maybe I would take that song because it's a real hoot. You know, because literally the verse starts like,

Hey little girl, do your hair, brush your hair, do your makeup. Soon he'll come home through the door. And it's all about how, like, you know, if you don't make an effort with your appearance and the cooking and the cleaning, your man is going to be... It's unbelievable. It's horrific. It is really bad. Isn't it a lot of country music?

It's not really country. It's, like, huge, commercial, global, like, what is it, like, jazz? Is it jazz? It's like crooner, kind of crooner music. Is it, like, down the old working men's clubs? No, no It's not jazz. It's like crooner, kind of crooner music. Is it like down the old working men's clubs? No, no, no, no. No, it's like... It's like...

It's kind of like a... Yeah, like a crooner style, like Frank Sinatra style kind of thing. Sinatra world, yeah. Yeah. Sort of like what came sadly after that, you know? Yeah. You know, yeah.

And the crazy thing is, so many of the songs that were, like that he wrote, Burt Bacharach, et cetera, were so good. And then there was this dog pile of steaming shit. But maybe I, you know. It's so offensive.

I guess. What are some lyrics? Do your hair. It's basically, do your hair, do your makeup. You need to make yourself look beautiful for when he comes home. Otherwise, he might go and, like, find someone else. Day after day, there are girls at the office. And it's like how you're ugly unless

you try. Don't let him go to work with your hair in curlers. You may never see him again. Literally unbelievable. It's kind of like that. Jesus Mary, it's unreal. And then it was covered fairly recently by like...

Ed Sheeran? No but by like a really sincere like I have this real guilty pleasure which is like really sincere YouTube acoustics female not male I don't like any of them but like these like amazing

really amazing talented singers who take these songs and really earnestly cover them you know and I everything about my life is to like avoid you know being too earnest because god it's so boring I don't know I need to think about why but I love this like really truly love

these like super earnest singers who like really feel the emotion of a song and there's this one that I really like called Alice something and she did Jack Jones Wives and Lovers and like really like felt it like had and she did jack jones wives and lovers and like really like felt it like had tears in her eyes and i was like not in a bad way she was like god this song is just so good and i was quite like no come on what's happening yeah oh my god fourth wave like come on think of the lyrics it's horrific and the lyric yeah so there's that it was it was a big

song right it was like huge huge commercial it was on it's bird backer x greatest hits there's like 10 of them on the one on the ultimate and that was one of them and he wrote like fucking why do birds suddenly appear whatever that song is called that i love but do you think people are just like we're just ignoring the lyrics or anyone sort of went no hang on a second but when would that have been like 60s late 60s feminism was just starting 68 yeah but like exactly so like late 60s it's still you would still have a huge like a huge you know part of the population that i mean it wasn't necessarily talking you know or listening to feminism and you know who are really culturally quite peculiar as people who produce songs and shouldn't. Bastille. Bastille. I'm really interested in this. Go on.

It's just, it's that kind of tortured male, you know, when he's like, I was left in your own diva item. And it's just like, try do Bastille singing other songs and you'll just realise how absurdly odd it is. Like Teenage Dream,

which is like... Go on. You think I'm funny without any make-up on. You think I'm funny when I say the punchline wrong. Right, OK. And it's like, why are you singing as you've got pain in your voice when you're actually saying something that's so emotionally inept? It's so weird, this one, because one time I saw them live and I, like, wept.

When they did Pompeo, I was like pompeo oh my god this is so amazing do you remember when bastille and rudimental did a thing at the brits and it was it was wow i went to a thing the other day and bastille and craig david did a song wow and it was terrible it was so bad it was just like bland there was no content and then it was like oh yeah they were talking about it and they were like oh no but beforehand they were saying oh it's got this amazing twist and like it's got this huge like drop and and it just had none of that right like the only time you want to be between bastille and craig david is his bit rose yeah exactly although craig david's a huge tory is he yeah oh my god huge apparently yeah yeah

i we have a i actually don't know if i genuinely can no you can't you can't talk about that no and that's just there a cliffhanger i think we heard some of our least favorite songs playing on the cab right here. I think any top 40 is the worst thing I've heard. But that's just because I'm an old fuddy-duddy. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cannot stand like 80s butt rock, like jock jams, bro rock. Oh, yeah.

Or like Journey or... Journey. I don't even know if I can pinpoint a song, just like anything from... Here I go again on my own. That was nicely in tune. What was the one I was singing earlier? I don't know, was it...

Someday love will find you? Oh, no. Oh, my God. This one's not from the 80s, but it's coming to mind. I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep because I miss you, baby. And I don't want to miss a thing. I think it's usually straight men emoting too much.

Yeah, emoting too much. Yeah. When they're talking like this. And it gets so hard to express my feelings, babe. Then I push it out. I'm still masculine even though I'm opening up. I think that's exactly what they're saying. Oh my God, that is good. Anything that sounds like that. Imagine that's exactly what they're saying. Oh, my God. Anything that sounds like that. Imagine that for the rest of your life.

Yeah, okay. Song choice, yes. So there you go. That was the top of the cocks there drag queen special and we're going to keep trying to release the odd old episode that you might have missed or just that's fun to catch up with and doing the odd sort of top of the cocks as well like this where we do a little compilation um if there's any themes that you think would be good to try and hang a top of the cocks off then do let us know you can always get in touch with us dixpod.com contact or you can contact us on twitter or instagram at dixpod as well we'll be back very soon with a compact dix and you can use those addresses i just ran out to submit your choices for who and what you think is a dick

and we can include them in the next episode. And we're just going to keep them coming, basically. So don't go anywhere. Make sure you subscribe so you never miss any. And that's about it. We'll speak to you soon. Thanks for listening. Bye.