Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 6 - INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY SPECIAL

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

To celebrate International Women's Day, we've compiled some of the funniest moments from just some of the incredible women we've had on the podcast. There's so many we could do an entire series but for now here's just a few of our favourites. Including, Isy Suttie, Sinhu Vee, The Scummy Mummies, Ellie White, Thanyia Moore, Joanne McNally, Margaret Cabourne-Smith and Lucy Porter. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian, actor and writer of new novel Jane is Trying, Izzy City. How are you doing? I'm all right. I'm all right. Yes. Thank you for that intro.

So Izzy, you join us on what is kind of, I suppose, a blustery day. It's a good day for sitting indoors ranting about things we hate i suppose yeah it's really it's really weird it's like sunny for five minutes and then immediately pouring with rain and really windy isn't it yeah it's quite like when i went to cornwall this is exactly the whole the weather this is in my head this is exactly what cornish weather is like all the time yeah it's great's great beach weather, isn't it? It's just what you want. Sand blowing in your face along with leaves. And then, I mean, despite the sort of weather putting us in maybe like an appropriate mood,

did you find it easy to compile your list of dicks for today? I found it easy to do the food, drink, song and film and animal, especially the animal. But I found it harder to do the dicks and i think that's because i i absolutely hate the idea of upsetting anyone so i thought a few people including my mum i hate to say and even by mentioning that i'm sort of potentially upsetting her so i'm hoping she won't listen to this but not because she's a dick but just because it would be really hard to be stuck on a desert island with her i think yeah and she'd probably think the same of me but i thought i can't actually choose her so yeah i i found it hard to

but what i've done is i've taken the qualities that annoy me about people and um i'm able to talk about them without upsetting anyone but in your head you can know who it is and get the satisfaction yeah okay who's going to be the final dick joining you on the island it's the final dick because i don't care about upsetting myself is me uh when i was younger so specifically about 14 right okay good why were you such a dick well i so the first thing i used to do and it feels harsh to say this is dickish behavior but it was certainly twatish behavior is that i would basically because i was the youngest in my year i shall blame my parents for when i was conceived i basically used to do anything that anyone told me to do because i was always like trying to kind of catch up

so like they dare me to do stuff and I would just do it so I jumped off a bridge um in the middle of the park when I was like 13 or 14 um into running water and it was raining and the water looked deep enough to just swim to the side because it wasn't really a deep river and the bridge was pretty high it was probably about 15 feet high so I jumped through the air all my friends ran away apart from one girl called Erin Condren and I'm so pleased she stayed and um I landed I had bright red hair and it was like all in front of my eyes and I was like my eyes are bleeding my eyes are bleeding I've gone blind and I was like oh no it's my hair but because the water was actually much shallower than it looked from the top my left foot landed at right angles to the ankle and I broke it

so I couldn't walk home and had to be wheeled home on my then boyfriend's skateboard and then there was a lot of hoo-ha about how did this happen I said that someone pushed me in the duck pond then he found out and threatened to beat up my boyfriend. So I was like, wove this web of lies, basically, about how it happened. And then in the end just had to be like, someone told me to jump off a bridge and I did. And everyone was like, why? And I was like, I don't know. So I don't want anyone like that on the island.

Yeah, fair enough. Because I think as a parent, like your natural response would be like what your friends told you to do it and if your friends told you to jump off a bridge would you oh no you did yeah you did like that was damn it i can't even use the classic i know i literally did the what's it called a proverb i suppose i carried out the proverb you could have found me with a rolling stone trying to gather moss the week afterwards like yeah it's so weird it was like literally did the thing that that is used to illustrate the fact that you shouldn't do the thing um and it took ages for so I was on crutches for six weeks and um there were loads of things like I'd never been on crutches and I never

have since actually stuff like I went to McDonald's in Derby and because of the crutches I couldn't reach my tray like because you have your arms through the crutches and I distinctly remember being like I can't reach my tray and the woman had to push it towards me like being on an island with any 14 year old would be difficult oh yeah for sure my teenage years are so bad because like sometimes you'd have a all right conversation but then sometimes it'd also be a child again. And you'd just be wincing at yourself and you'd be like, just let it go. It's going to be OK. You won't care about this in a while.

But you just got to watch yourself doing it and sort of going, hey, do you want me to jump off that big thing over there? Or like, I'll climb up the palm tree. And like, don't, even though that would be quite useful right now. Yeah, you're so right. Because 14 is like, in some ways you are quite independent, aren't't you but you have also got that streak of like not being aware of danger i think so and sort of bitch suddenly being mardy like i would be i was so kind of like oh the world like nothing is real like i wrote loads of songs they were all just like so angsty like about boys that would never go out with me and like um stuff like the children of

tomorrow like just doesn't mean anything so like if i was on the island i just but with my guitar it would be even worse like just playing songs that only contained the chords d g and a um again and again um maybe a bit of e minor if people were lucky but I was always trying to get like I was like I live in a small town I'm so bored like I used to write loads of poems about like breaking free and stuff um and kind of fantasize about like getting out and I moved out actually when I was 17 to my best friend's house and um then just moved back like two months later when I realized that I couldn't cook and stuff but yeah I think teenagers generally on the island would probably be difficult but I think I was I was also always trying to do whatever I could to kind of be rebellious within the boundaries

that were set for me for example like my parents were quite strict about me like going to parties and stuff but um me and my friend decided to stay up for as many nights as we could without the aid of anything except coffee this is when we were 14 i smoked then so we just got really really drunk at this kind of um local conservative club type thing on a housing estate then went back to her house and we're like let's stay awake all night this is the first night we drank loads of instant coffee and smoked all night and managed to do a whole night and i started to feel really sick and then like i went home and mom and dad were like what's the matter and i was like i've been up all night and they were like drugs drugs i was like no actually just ness cafe

and then the idea was we were gonna do it for three nights like an experiment and then I just like started crying at 9am and went to bed I just think it's so fucking hard being around teenagers and yeah when you look back on being a teenager I think you think I don't know about you but when I do I'm like oh I was with my mates all the time I had a really nice boyfriend as well for a lot of my teenage years who's like a little bit older but so nice like i remember it being like a real laugh but actually it wasn't like that at the time it was like me going oh my black eyeliner's too thick today and you know mum told me i couldn't go to this gig ned's atomic dustbin and and those things are actually really real just because now they seem superficial they really weren't at the time were they no definitely definitely yeah oh man yeah i'm so glad i don't have to do that again

or yeah i have to watch my kids well yeah exactly we've had kids so and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian sindhu v how are you doing hey man i'm doing good i'm doing good. I'm doing good. It's a nice day, you know. Yeah, so feeling positive? You know, I was reading today about how there's six seasons, but there's two micro seasons, micro climates, and they're the ones inside you. And they're either happiness or sorrow. And I was like, that's deep. But that's why some people on a nice day, they're like, ah, everything's horrible because their microclimate that day is not very happy.

So my microclimate is happy today and the outside climate is good today. So we're like laughing. Okay, good. Well, I hope I'm not going to sort of ruin it all by getting you to talk about things and people that you hate for an hour or so. I love to talk about things I don't like because I get to vent. Okay, good. So we're coming in with this with a positive attitude. This is nice. I like this. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to try and join you on a level of positivity as well as we wade through and fill this island with crap things and people. But let's get straight into it then. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island today? Okay. So the first person I would hate to be stuck with is um russell brand russell brown okay right now uh i mean he's

a very divisive character but what is it about him that you find particularly annoying he's one of those people who thinks he knows a lot and doesn't stop to say do i just opens his mouth and it all comes out and at the moment he's on some Eastern religion guru trip which as an Indian is you hear him talk and you think no we have a saying in Hindi so such a guy Billy Hodge Kucheli which means after eating a hundred rats the cat decides to go on a pilgrimage and we have to hear about it you know what I mean so Russell, whatever, you know, you've done all these things. You've never really talked about those things or you've never, you're just such an attention seeking person.

And now you've decided to, I think it particularly annoys me because he's glommed on to Eastern philosophy, but he talks about it like he's discovered it, like he is the Buddha. And I just think what level of hubris does it take? Plus, imagine being stuck on a desert island with him. Yeah. And me having to listen to what Eastern philosophy is trying to teach us. I mean, I would drown myself. I would just start swimming into the sharks. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird, because it's like, at what point do you kind of, you hear Russell Brand make a few

points about Eastern religion, you kind of think okay that sounds interesting and then at what point do you just sort of go rather than finding out about that for myself i'm going to continue listening to his take on it for ages surely you kind of if if any of it pricks your interest you kind of go okay i'll do some reading on my own i'm not going to continue for him i don't want him to be my guru it's like you know it's he's the wrong it's the wrong place to look yeah and i mean the amount of sanctimony you know and it's the wrong place to look. Yeah. And I mean, the amount of sanctimony, you know, and it's like, well, everyone can talk the talk, but are you walking the walk? Yeah. Yeah.

And also, why are you, why, if you listen, so obviously I've seen it because it's been on my Twitter feed and then I've immediately fixed my Twitter feed, but so that I don't see it. But if you are listening to Russell Brand, question is A, why? And B, if he starts talking about Eastern philosophy and you think, well, that's interesting, your first response should be, this is not right. Let me turn this off and kind of rinse out my brain by reading some basic Eastern philosophy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't make sense. And it's just very annoying. I think as well, it's somewhat odd. Like, the idea of someone using a huge YouTube audience to sort of talk about, you know... Like, I don't know.

I haven't seen this recent sort of incarnation of him. So I don't know which bits of his Eastern philosophy he's picking up on. But it seems slightly odd with my understanding of certain elements of it to sort of be using it to like increase your level of fame that you know that seems a bit counterintuitive i mean yes that does but you know on a desert island i guess that would be that would be part of what you would know but on the island if he

started saying things like we're here but we shouldn't be in the ego and I'd be like shut up like I I don't need to hear this from you yeah yeah because I you know the idea that a lot of Eastern philosophy talks about going inward and keeping your mouth shut but it's not the bit he's interested in I don't think you know and he sort of come upon it like I have this great knowledge to impart and can you imagine how incredibly annoying that would be? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's kind of like, let me tell you about this great journey I took.

So it's not about that. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And I mean, I think if you want to talk about your journey, that's fine. But then let's hear about all of your journey. Yeah. Not just the bits you want to present. I might have said this before in this podcast, but there was a time I was working at a radio station where he was being interviewed

and I was in a separate room behind the glass and I was with all his kind of flunkies and his entourage. And in the interview, it was round about the time he was doing the kind of revolution sort of era, you know, and he was like, we need a revolution, but still don't vote, but, you know, we need a revolution. Oh, yeah, yeah. And in the

interview he was coming across fine like he didn't say anything that was particularly crazy either way i was just like okay you know it's all right he'd been through the mill a bit and he was being okay but i was in the room with all his hangers on and every time he made a point even though we're in a soundproof separate room they were going yeah yeah oh yeah yeah and it's like like i know that you probably do this all the time to show that you get him more than the other person that you're working with. Like, but he can't just shut up for a minute. And so I always wonder, it's like, are they still there? I just imagine that maybe that's part of the problem. Like he needs a cull, you know, but he's been into this sort of persona for so long. Like these these sort of people are just going to be there forever. it's like you're not helping him you're making it worse exactly i don't i would really not be able to cope if those

people came to my island as well by the way this is my island yeah yeah fair enough just being clear about that yeah i think also as well he has that sort of thing of like you know when he had a child he's like oh it's the most extraordinary amazing wonder and you're like look you know like obviously i haven't given birth but i've been present at my wife's birth and a lot of it was fucking horrendous like she's pregnant again now and i'm not looking forward to the next bit you know and it's like of course it isn't an extraordinary thing but like many things in nature it's fucking brutal as well and it's like of course you had to feel it more than me it is and i mean you know why are you not understanding that why are you not understanding that and also why do you have

to come upon everything as if why do you have to sort of preach just have your baby yeah just become a buddhist why do but why do you have to talk about it like you know more or you've had you know why because i just think you know like okay it's great to be able to see the beauty and everything but at the same time it's not really helpful kind of hearing how amazing and spiritual you found this birth but it makes me feel as worse that i didn't feel you know i was just panicked and scared the whole time you know and it's like and i think it's more useful to hear people being honest going well i felt like this but afterwards it was great you know because we've got this lovely baby but you know it gets a bit rocky sometimes yeah and also you

know constantly showing the world this kind of beautiful wonderful side when and not all of the sides if for anybody you know you want to see the whole picture yeah if you're going to talk about talk about the whole picture i mean i suppose you're free to talk about what you want so that's maybe not so important what's important is the whole vibe of like, allow me to share with you. It's like, dude, we already know. You're literally the least knowledgeable person in my circle when it comes to any of this. And as for childbirth, I've had three, pushed them out. So you know what I mean?

It's just weird to say. He'll be very annoying. Very annoying. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Ellie and Helen, aka The Scummy Mummies. Hello. Hello. Hello to you.

Yeah, so we're having a nice chat and then there's a very formal bit, which I kind of think sometimes puts a fence in the middle. No, it doesn't. No, I like it. I like formality. Oh, good. We're in Britain, James.

Yes. I've realised that you have to be more formal as an Australian. And Ellie is my guide. Yes. We're very honoured to be on your podcast because not only, you know, do we have a lot of people who we think are dicks, but we're also dicks. So I feel like it's a good fit. Oh, welcome.

Yeah, yeah. And one of our catchphrases is kick it in the dick. I mean, we're very dick focused. Oh, you're very much about to kick it right in the dick, I think. Not yours yours hopefully. We'll see how we go. I'd love it if you didn't. I think we're getting on far so far. Okay.

The hand man's tail. Thank you very much and who's going to be second choice? Sexist Tex. Sexist Tex? That's a hard thing to say. Okay, yeah. So we've been doing our hugely successful live comedy show for about six years now and over that years

we've done hundreds of shows and we've worked with so many techs who are sexist arseholes that we kind of couldn't pick one so we sort of, I don't know if we're allowed

to put them all on the island or if we've sort of put a hybrid sort of. Oh yeah, you definitely can put a group of people. A sort of Frankenstein's monster. Can we paint a picture?

Usually in the latter years of their lives, so sort of, you know, maybe 50 plus. Yes. A little bit overweight. A slight hint of bum crack. A slight hint of hairy bum crack. Some trainers that are at least 10 years old. Always some sort of smell.

Could be bad breath. Could be just a general musky under. A whiff. Too much coffee or B.O. yeah yeah yeah a very faded black t-shirt because he's a techie and that's that

bit greasy haired and thinks that he is funnier he's got the he's got the bants he's got the jokes I've got one for you ladies yeah

and speaks to us like we are five and we don't like it James we get close this has been happening since our first ever show, which was six years ago this month in Lewisham, and we had this guy, and he had

this huge fucking dog that was like a horse and used to come and lick our pops. It was revolting. The horse dog was called Abba. Yeah, it was so strange. And yeah. And drooled all over everything. Everyone wants a horse dog on this stage. We'd come in and make jokes

about getting his wife an ironing board for Christmas and we'd just be like, oh, go fuck yourself. So there was him, then there was a guy, that guy, that terrible bad breath guy who was in a weird pub

and he gave us a corridor to get changed in and then weirdly kept having to come in the corridor while we were taking our catsuits on and off. And he said, don't worry, I don't mind. We're like, we fucking do. We stood there in our bra and pants. Hashtag we do. There was him, there was the other guy.

Greenwich man, professional grade. Greenwich man, he provided these microphones. One of them was really terrible and it was like, noise. And I was like, this microphone's whistling. Have you got a spare? And I was perfectly nice. And he was like, what are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with that microphone. And I was like, no, literally, I've got ears.

And he was like, no, there's nothing wrong with that microphone. It's an industry standard microphone. And I was like, there's no such thing as an industry standard. What is this? What are you talking about? And also, like, I've got, like, a similar microphone. It's from fucking Maplin, which tells you how long ago this was.

So, look, I won't go on, but you get the idea. No, this is good. I mean, I'd like to act surprised, but I'm not. It's just I've encountered a lot of these people. And they like to drop. We have had, do you remember that one in New Crossgate? He kept going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I once ticked for Stuart Lee. And he just kept dropping names. We're like,

that's great. Can you make the microphones work, please? I perform comedy on the same bill as Stuart Lee. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He took that well. So, yeah, and we have also had lots of nice male techs, usually the younger lads. We had a lovely lad in Alistair in Edinburgh who ticked the show.

Oh, he was like a little angel, like a little elf. He was so sweet. And we've had lots of brilliant women. Not all men. I think this is what we're going... Hashtag just those men. Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to use that when I tweet about this. Okay. Okay, yeah. I think I've got the type. I'm sorry that that's happened to you so many times. Well, you know, next time you're at a meeting of the patriarchy, just have a little word, please. When me and the other blokes get together, I'll just say,

guys, if you could just stop doing that. Just play off the scummy mummies, yeah. All right, sorry, sorry, James. Okay, yeah. As if they'd listen to me. Let's focus on the, you know, the sexual harassment. Yeah. Things like that.

What's great is as well, they really won't get on with Kirsty Allsop. No. They wouldn't. No. That would be really awful. Just like, you'd sit back and watch. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It'd be like dogfighting. Although they'd probably agree about Brexit and then we'd all have to kill ourselves. And they'd also all hate women, so there's that. Apart from that. Oh my God. It's getting dark on the island.

It's getting bad. Yeah, I know. It often does. No, no, don't be sorry. This is my fault, if anything. Oh my God, he knows. I know, I know. Okay.

Anything else about these sexist texts before we put them on the island? No. Okay, great. We've said enough. I feel cleansed now. Yeah, I feel like I've just done a massive thing. I'm just going to say

I'm never going back to the Winchester Theatre. There's a terrible man there. The Winchester Theatre? Not Winchester. Oh no, we love Winchester. Oh fuck, sorry. The the Winchester Theatre. There was a terrible man there. The Winchester Theatre? Not Winchester. What am I saying? Oh, no, we love Winchester. Oh, fuck, sorry. The Whitstable Theatre.

Oh. Oh, in Whitstable. Love Whitstable. I love Whitstable too. Love seafood. But yeah, the tech at Whitstable Theatre. He didn't like me. I don't know if he was the tech or the theatre manager,

but yeah, no, he didn't like you. And another one who came into our dressing room without knocking. Oh, sorry, I didn't even say sorry. Just need to get something. Just need to get something. So need to get my fist in your fucking face anyway. Please do it next time.

It's worth it. You'll make national news. And here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today is actor, comedian and writer and one half of the very funny Ellie and Natasha. It's Ellie White. How are you doing? I'm very well. Thank you very much for that stunning introduction. You're very welcome. Thanks for coming on. It's lovely to have you here. You know, we're having a nice time here. You seem like an upbeat person. You like to make people laugh.

Do you find it easy to rant about stuff? are you somebody who likes to vent about things no I don't you know what I actually a lot of things do make me angry but I find that halfway through a rant about them I'll feel really um anxious about what that person or that thing like might do if I if they hear that I'm like angry about them for instance like when I was thinking about this I was like actually for me the worst situation on a desert island would be living on my own, like being on my own on a desert island, because I would be my only company and I can create horrendous visuals and horrendous things that might happen very quickly.

So really, me is probably the worst person that I could take to a desert island because of my like severe sort of like absolutely implausible fears that like, I don't know, there's going to be a demagogue that's going to come out. That film Cast Away, that would be like my worst, worst night, worse than being with other people who are kind of mad. I mean, you can you can pick a version of yourself if you want. I mean, that's allowed. It has happened before. So I used to nanny a lot when I was kind of like starting out as an actor and I did many, many, many jobs. And I used to nanny this little girl who was about seven, I would say.

And she was a bitch she was such a bitch but like not in with a mouse and it was terrifying like she she was god I mean all of mine are just like weird scary people but I feel like children if they don't like you have a way of like getting to you so much quicker than an adult so much quicker because they're supposed to be sort of innocent so that so I don't know like my cousin quite recently she was like you've got a big spot on your nose and I was like yeah she's right I do have a spot on my nose and like no other adult would point that out but she has and it's because they they sort of say what they see yeah so like

she would do sort of like really manipulative things. Like she would be like laughing at everyone else and then she would look across at me and like thin her eyes and like evil me. And it was out of control. And also her dad used to have like a wall of knives. He'd have knives. I really hope that they don't listen to it i'm sure she's lovely to now this was years ago but he had like a wall of knives and he used to i mean this is probably

like false memory syndrome but all i remember the kids eating and he ate was chorizo and like the knives were always like cutting up like bits of chorizo and there was like chorizo stews and like chorizo in the cupboard and like all they ate was chorizo yeah she was just terrifying and she'd just be like or if I try and make a joke she'd be like you're not funny and I'd be like oh god she's completely right she's completely right but it's like children I think find a way of getting to your soul very quickly so I think a child on a desert island doing that would crush my spirits so quickly that I wouldn't know how to live. Definitely. Yeah. And also we've got the thing of being adults. We can't just say they go, oh, you've got a spot on your nose.

It's like you're short and unemployed. What? You know, you can't. But I find myself doing really underhand stuff like that like do you remember that bit in bridesmaids where she has that argument with that girl and the girl's like you're a fucking you're a loser and you you're working in a jewelry shop and she's like well you're a cunt and it's so funny and it's like that's all I would ever want to do just be like shut the fuck up you little cunt and I obviously could never do that otherwise I'd get fired and I needed the money but that's all you want to say you're like well you don't know anything and shut up and but my come come back to always awful like she'd be so much better at them than me she was like so clever and also

I think that you you feel like kids should just, like, love you and be grateful for your help and your care. And when they're not, it's really shocking. Or I find it really shocking because I find kids really sweet. And when they're not sweet, I'm like, I don't know what to do. Yeah. I'm spent. Your comebacks to them are still a bit guarded.

You can't be completely unguarded like they are to you. They'll just say, I'm going to say everything, you know, anything I want from the, you know, the vile pit of my vile little mind. But, you know, you still kind of think, well, it has to be okay enough that if they repeat it to their parents, it's like, oh no, that was just funny chat. Yeah, you can't be like your haircut's fucking shit. And like two years ago, you were shitting yourself into a nappy.

You can't say that and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian joanne mcnally how you doing i'm good dan here are you not bad not bad thank you now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so i mean it's do you know what food i hate now it's unlikely that it's gonna fall out of an airplane but um soft poached uh i hate a runny yolk in an egg it makes me want to gag oh really okay but i love hard pouched eggs oh right so i'm the polar opposite of you egg wise yes well i think most people are and that's why i struggle so much she says the struggle the egg

struggle in london is real i spend most of my time sending back eggs now it's not it's not a massive complaint it's a nice position to be in to be rocking around sending back eggs but i do london just doesn't listen. Like, I don't think English people understand. I think they think I don't know what I'm saying when I say rock hard eggs.

They're just like, she's silly. She doesn't understand. And when I crack, when I put the knife through it and it runs, A, I get filled with anger and I want to physically gag

and I have to send it back. And they just won't give me hard eggs. It's disgusting, that yellow bile shite, and it runs over everything and infects all the other food and everything is just yellow and gloopy and... But I find it the same with, like, if a hard yolk still kind of gets everywhere and it's sort of like a paste.

I don't know, but... It doesn't! It stays exactly where it's supposed to. Well, it would more than the yolk, obviously, because it's liquid, like a paste i don't know but it doesn't it stays exactly where it's supposed to well it would more than the yolk obviously because it's liquid so that does make sense um okay so just so runny runny eggs also i mean apart from anything the idea of eating runny eggs on a beach is just i'm always horrified when i see on beaches like people eating burgers and chips and all. I'm like, I don't know. Like there's certain, like your temperature, I think, say for example,

say for the drink bit, right? And I was like, what drink would I hate to drink on an island? Now, I love red wine. Like I love it. I wish it was water. Like I wish that that was

what we used to hydrate. But if it was warm in any way, red wine suddenly to me is toxic. Like I'd rather drink the belly of Chernobyl than drink red wine in the sun. I suppose you've got a sort of, oh, you mean if the weather's warm in any way? Yeah, imagine sitting on a Hawaiian island.

Because red wine is usually served kind of room temperature. Yeah, because I was going to say you've got a higher operating window with the temperature of the wine. But you mean, yeah, the ambient temperature of the island. Yeah. Sometimes I microwave my red wine. Wow.

I'm quite the sommelier, Dan. I'm quite the sommelier. Sometimes I microwave my little red wine. So poor man's mulled wine. Yeah. Sometimes I'll give it an hour blast in the micro if it's a bit cold. How hot do you go? Maybe give it like a minute. That'sed wine. Yeah. Sometimes I'll give it a blast in the microwave if it's a bit cold. How hot do you go? Maybe give it like a minute.

That's quite hot. Yeah. That's warmer than I... I thought you were saying like 10 seconds or something. No, give it a minute, yeah. Wow. It'll be bubbling away.

But then it's like, like I say, the idea of... My palate, I suppose everyone's the same. Depending on the heat outside, my palate completely changes.'s everyone's the same if depending on how the heat outside my palate completely changes so yeah you're right who in their right mind would order runny eggs on a beach vile you eat calipos and you drink rose or like deliciously cold gin and

tonics or like some sort of concoction out of a pineapple um they're the things you drink and eat on beaches but do you know what else i absolutely see i'm a bit of a pig there's not a lot i don't eat um but you know what i don't eat and people can't understand it i don't know why either i don't like pizza at all so oh really yeah so i just feels completely pointless to me like it doesn't make me gag but it's just a giant moon-shaped like one it's like just toast with meat on i just don't get it don't get it so if me or so runny eggs or pizza fell out of the plane i'd be raging okay and i mean you know even if you're in a class on the plane that was you know know, if you're first class, they could probably do your runny egg. But it's still not going to be that great.

So, you know, and I like airplane food. I actually quite like it. I think it's always really exciting. I love the way they give you no choice whatsoever. Yeah, I quite like that. Increasingly, I find the amount of choice just exhausting in life. And you're like, oh, why are there 30 types of washing up liquid? Just give me some green in a bottle.

You're on a plane, they're like, you're having a ragout. And you're like, I'm a vegetarian. They're like, you're not anymore. And you're like, okay, fine. Yeah. I just, yeah, I just think the idea of any eggs, I mean, eggs every day anyway isn't pleasant, I think. And then, yeah, runny eggs on a beach every day

bit gritty and you think oh god there's some shell in it no it's just all the sand i remember seeing i remember seeing a photo of carrie katona once on a beach and it was obviously set up so i i what the what the celebs do from what i can tell is they put on they put on a load of weight then they go out to like ben a dorm they bring photographers with them they get intentionally photographed looking like shit eating shit on a beach the photos go somewhere then they get a they get a trainer and they release a fitness dvd in time for christmas or whatever right that's what they do that's like obviously it's kind of like a little money-making plan that they have and i

remember seeing this photo of carrie katona on a beach and it was nothing to do with her or her body or anything like that it was nothing to do with that but she was eating this burger with chips and loads of ketchup and mayonnaise and i was like no yeah at least go into the shade like it was in the roasting hot heat of the day i was like nah you need cold shit on the beach hot shit inside i mean come on you don't be nigella to figure that out that's the basics yeah that's the basic put it on a tea towel so you don't forget yeah yeah that makes sense okay so uh runny eggs on the beach and then um are you saying so for your drink are you saying sort of uh red

wine red red wine i couldn't drink red wine in the heat it's red wine makes me very sleepy and there'll probably be a lot of work to do on the island like yeah you know building shit um another drink that i there's a couple of drinks that make me just you know like smell is one of the strongest triggers of memory so sometimes when i smell a drink it reminds me of a time in my life so i can't stand the smell of aftershock oh god yeah yeah because it just reminds me of obviously being on nights out when you're young and drinking yourself into like oblivion and the smell of it and like it's spilt everywhere because everyone's just pissed out of their face and it's you wake up and it's on your clothes and yeah i occasionally sometimes if i have a mouth

wash i get a little gag and i'm like what is that and i'm like oh because it's like memories of aftershock my body doesn't know the difference anymore yeah exactly um what else oh was this oh yeah when i was in i went went, I worked in Spain. I worked in Fangarola for like three months. You know, I did like a summer season there. I worked for Lineker's pub

just like flyering and getting people in and we, all we did was drink vodka diet coke, vodka diet coke and it was just the smell,

like if I smell a vodka diet coke now, I could probably, it's probably so long now, it's 10 years i could maybe stomach if someone was like if it was all there was if i went back to someone's house and like all i have is vodka diet coke i'd probably do it but that's a recent development again we drank it every day for three months oh man and the smell and it was really cheap coke it was called like revoltas i think it was actually called revoltas and it was always the ice was it was so hot and it was always kind of warm and oh man that's horrendous yeah again nothing something you don't want to drink warm as well

isn't it it's yeah yeah bad bad diet coke and vodka and cheap vodka as well which is yeah disgusting i think it was like a skull Bones on the front of it. No, it was just vile. I mean, all the signs were there, weren't they? For you, you know, Revoltas, Coke and Skull & Bones vodka. As a 21-year-old, you're illiterate to signs. You can't read signs. You're like, how can I get pissed for a fiver?

That's literally your only concern. Yeah, I remember with Aftershock, we used to get, because there was a red and a blue, which was sort of was a bit hotter one was a bit cooler like one was more menthol one was more cinnamon and we used to do purple aftershock so you'd have to have a double shot and mix the two and i remember there used to be things that for some reason some twat had decided that when you did a purple aftershock you had to like you had to do it and then hold it in your mouth for 30 seconds first and then that like it was just how many fucking stepping stones can i not just you know if you're on like a stag or a hen do and like they're like no you've all got to drink this

all day and you've got to drink it in this specific way and you're like look guys i'm absolutely up for getting shit faced yeah can i just do it with nice drinks i'm still gonna end up being sick at the end of it but can i have a gin and tonic or something please like can i get to the same destination in a slightly different route you know i know and also i suppose when you're older when you're younger you go out with the aim to get pissed like that's why you go out whereas now you're like oh actually i don't want to get pissed because i'll be like i'll feel shit but i shots i don't i wouldn't like i just wouldn't be into shots now at all i mean if the objective of the drink is to get rid of it as fast as possible it's probably not that nice i can drink wine like a shot like i'm grand like i still can

drink with speed down and one you're a listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. And here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today is actor, writer and team captain on the Do The Right Thing podcast, Margaret Caborn-Smith. How are you doing?

Hello. Well, you know, I'm all right. A friend of mine said recently that when she asks, how are you? She just assumes everyone is a sort of base level of shit. Yeah. And so, you know, so yeah, shit. But also, yeah, OK, not bad. Not bad today, given that, given the pandemic. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. It's just sort of, I don't know, I take my sort of mood on an hour to hour basis. So, you know. Yeah, yeah. I remember reading in some sort of AA handbook i'm not aa but uh but something well you know they say take it one day at a time but sometimes that's really really a long time a day yeah so yeah hour by hour is much much better yeah see i'm doing next hour well people sometimes go oh you're sounding quite upbeat today. I'm like, right, OK, well, that's good now.

I wasn't half an hour ago. And I won't be half an hour. Well done for catching me in this window. And so how did you find, bearing our sort of mood and everything in mind, how did you find the process of compiling your list of dicks today well uh it was i i took it in the spirit of hey things could be worse you know so in that way like imagining this situation has been very good because it makes me appreciate the the three people i do live with you know because there's a bit of like there's a bit of me that thinks, well, however bad these three people are,

at least they're not the same three people I have seen for 24 hours a day since March the 22nd. So, no, it's it's been good. I'm sort of thinking it would be nice to have the desert island weather. Although that's not necessarily good, is it? No, I mean, in my head, I always picture a sunny kind of desert island with palm trees and stuff. So, yeah, let's say we'll give you that. Well, you know, you can at least have that. I mean, that'll help. With that, obviously, comes things like sunburn and tropical insects as well. And I will. I mean, the last time I went to Italy, I think my record was 102 mosquito bites at one time. So, yeah, yeah, not looking forward to that.

But, you know, that'll be distracting from the terrible conversations that I'll be forced to have with food, etc. Now, Margaret, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Oh, my God! The Flames Entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, okay, so the Blair Witch Project,

which is not a bad film, I don't think. Well, I know that actually some people do think it's a bad film, but I think it's an amazing film, but I think it's an amazing film. But I am not cut out for it, especially on a desert island. Although a friend of mine, when he saw it, he's from the countryside, and he was like, oh, that was just a generic Saturday night out in the countryside for me. And I'm a real city girl girl and I was terrified way before

anything frightening happened like opening opening credits I'm scared and I knew by the way I wasn't one of those people who went along not knowing what to expect which in which case I would have been utterly terrified you know they sort of set it up as a real as real footage yeah and whatever I knew it was all fake, but I was super terrified. In fact, when it came out, a bunch of my friends went to see it and I said, I'm just not seeing it. And I said, I tell you what, if I ever get a boyfriend, I'll see it then because then I'll at least have someone

in the bed next to me. And then it happened to come on television when I did have a boyfriend and he was indeed staying over. And I was like, oh, well, this is is fate let's watch this and um about 10 minutes in I turned and I said this was this was a mistake this was a mistake and um the bastard uh when we went to bed I he'd gone into the bedroom first I went in and turned the light on and he was facing the wall I don't know if you know the film but i mean it's just not just not okay and i didn't sleep at all that night and i really like my sleep so

i don't i don't want to be watching i actually don't think i might watch it once in the morning when it's all bright and i can't stand listening to those three chatter yeah it's just such an uncomfortable i mean obviously it's meant to be an uncomfortable watch and I think that was one of those films where, like, at the time it was like, no, this sets a new benchmark. There was so much sort of hype around it. A lot of hype, a lot of hype. I think I heard something about...

What do you think of it? I've only ever seen bits because I'm a massive scaredy cat and I hate... Good! Yay! High five! I know what it looks like, um i haven't i haven't watched it all because i don't like it it scares me yeah i don't like scary things well there's the whole thing the whole thing is that um the the rumor about this witch was that she would make before she killed she would kill people one by one and that everyone else while they were waiting to be killed would have to face the wall right okay so that's why my boyfriend doing that was so utterly terrifying because that's one of the last shots of the film is that you open a door

and you just see one of the characters facing the wall although it's quite hard to face the wall in a woods so i don't know how they well no there was a tree or something no yeah that's just someone having a piss that's not scary um no it was get to a... They found a house or a shack or something. That's where... Yeah. That's where that is. I think I heard, like, a story once by the main woman in it,

and she was saying that as part of the sort of mythology around it, at the time of the release, they sort of pretended she was dead and stuff, and it caused her all kinds of problems in her real life because people... Oh, God, that's so awful. Yeah. Can't get any money out of the bank. Yeah, just people thought she was dead and stuff and it caused her all kinds of problems in her real life because people like god that's so awful i can't get any money out the bank yeah just people thought she was dead or like it just sort of caused a lot of missing or yeah just loads of hassle and and strife she didn't

need you know when you think i'm a young actress this is like my first massive film yeah exactly and i bet exactly and i bet they got paid like a hundred pounds for it as well and you know she won't have been raking it in, however much money it made. But I think even if you watch it in the daytime, at some point it will be night time. And that's what I don't understand about scary films. It doesn't matter what environment I see it in, that's still in my head forever.

So when it is dark... No, but don't you have palette cleansers? If you watch something a bit scary before bed, then you have to watch a Seinfeld or a 30 rock just to get you back into that mode yeah but then it will still come back into my stupid brain at some point i saw shallow grave and i was very excited that i didn't have nightmares that night and three weeks later i had a full-on you know the whole night was just scary dreams about the worst scene in that. But I'm super I'm I don't like so my level of scared. Right.

Is that this came up as a memory for me on Facebook the other day where I was lying in bed, you know, ready to go to sleep. And my husband whispered something that sounded like buck reed and i said what did you say and he didn't say anything and i said no what what did you say and he didn't say anything again and then i then i became terrified and um and i was like no seriously tell me what he said and he said he'd burped and said pardon me but i haven't heard it and i said oh i thought you said buck reed and he was like well what's that and i said but i don't know but it sounded like the beginning of a scary film like some dystopian scary film where someone says something he goes missing and then someone in the street walks past you at buckreed yeah thank you thank you that's exactly and anyway and so we had

a bit of a laugh about this but then we tried to go back to sleep and i kept going i know what you're gonna do but please don't do it i'm scared i'm scared and then there'd be another pause and i'd be like please don't say it please don't say it and he very sweetly didn't say it until the next morning but even the next morning when he said it to me, I was scared. My daughter, who is a pale Victorian child of a person, she would whisper it to me. And she put out, you know, like the letters in the bathroom. She spelt it out on the bathroom wall. And I was like, well, this is where we are.

I'm scared of a word that nobody said that doesn't mean anything. But it's true from now on. I mean, and someone texted me from a phone that I didn't know, Buck Reed, because people found it so hilarious. That's the thing, because the word is getting funnier and funnier as well. Exactly. And there's something about it isn't there there is something another friend of mine made a movie poster with buck reed the child standing over a gravestone and i'm genuinely a bit scared ah old cynthia buck reed yeah she died 50 years ago

and my friend dave reed said he's he's gonna call his if he ever has a male said he's going to call his, if he ever has a male child, he's going to call it Buck. And imagine, and I would be scared of that baby. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's amazing. OK. Yeah, that's where we are. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today

is comedian Tanya Moore. How are you doing? Hey, how are you doing? I'm good, I'm good. That was a nice intro. That was nice and quick and snappy. I like that. Good, good. I was just saying, before we started recording, we were talking about how it's kind of... I've got very loud cars out here. We were talking about how it's sort of the day after the election in america

so we're trying to sort of be upbeat and and uh distract ourselves from it a little bit as i said it's a scary time i just don't even know what to do anymore you know when you're just like i don't know how to feel so i'm just going to stand still in the middle of this storm and hopefully and open my eyes it's over and everything's back to normal. Yeah, I think that's about as much as you could hope to achieve at the minute. I think if you manage that, then we're doing all right. Nightmare. Yeah. OK, now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why least favorite song fong song on repeat yes fucking hell oh man oh my god that or anything from nelly oh my god yeah same ballpark isn't it yeah yeah just same kind of non, nonstop. They say about seven words throughout the whole song on repeat. He says thong thong something like 36 times or something in that fucking song, if not more.

And I just don't see the point of it. It doesn't make sense. And he's five foot one. Nothing about this makes sense. Maybe that's why, because maybe it's like the height of an ass so maybe that's why he's he's sort of thinking about it so much he's just closer to that area yes that's all he sees he doesn't see boobs yeah he just sees ass I've always hated thong song

and I remember when like so I grew up in Leicester and in the 90s i was really into hip hop and in leicester in the 90s like the only place you could hear hip hop on the radio was tim westwood right so i used to listen to him a lot and friday saturday nights it was you know it was like an event you know and record loads of it and everything get good hip hop that way and i remember lying in bed listening to it as i went to sleep and thong song had just come out and he played it three times in a row and i was like am i have i gone mad or something because like it's not even really hip-hop you know it's more sort of like a party r&b tune and westwood did a triple rewind on the fucking thing and i was like are you insane like when it came out everybody was like obsessed

with it then they started wearing dragons because cisco wore dragons and then it became a thing of like dyeing your hair blonde and just like constantly that the other guy but it's like no this is no yeah no i hated bongs for a long time as a result I just made a stand and just started wearing knickers I just think we should not be condoning or entertaining any part of this at all that's the thing like you know I have obviously as a straight man I have nothing against looking at ladies in thongs but as soon as like I have like a jingle that goes with it if I see a woman in a thong you're spoiling it for me you know what I mean it's. If I see a woman in a thong, you're spoiling it for me. You know what I mean? It's like,

oh, there's a woman in a thong. Oh, God's sake. It's like. It's ruined. I hate going to the beach as a result. Everyone's in a thong.

And that should be a pleasurable experience. What I hate the most about that song is, when it comes on, I really feel like an alien, because I'm literally the only person not getting excited by it. Oh man, I'll join you. You know what, we go out together, and when it comes on, we just hit the an alien because I'm literally the only person not getting excited by it. Oh, man, I'll join you. You know, we go out together and when it comes on, we just hit the bar.

And it was one of those songs that you say like everyone liked it, except for it felt like I was the only one who didn't like it. You know when you feel so out of sync, it's more annoying because it's like, what is everyone seeing? Why don't they understand? Yeah, I felt like that about black street no diggity as well okay oh i'll tell you what's interesting i for some reason recently i looked that up and if you look on the cover of it they're all dressed like painted decorators because they've all got white dungarees it was that sort of era white dungarees and they're all sort of like you know two of them are crouching two of them standing up and they just look like there's always the

crouching someone has if it's not crouching is it of them are standing up, and they just look like they've finished... There's always the crouching. Someone has... If it's not crouching, is it even R&B? Yeah, yeah. And it just looks like they've finished a hard day painting and decorating. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Lucy Porter. Hello. Hello. Thank you so much for coming in, Lucy. Thanks for having me.

I really appreciate it. do you know It's been I've really enjoyed listening To the previous episodes And finally The island is overrun By the biggest dick Of all the animals Which animal is it and why?

I feel I mean I presume everyone says this I haven't listened to all the Episodes but cat Cat? Cats yeah Oh cats

Okay yes This is Okay Yeah I mean how popular is This should be This is, okay. Yeah, I mean, how popular is it? This is top three of answers, right? Yeah, cats and dogs. Cats and dogs, cats and dogs. Because what else do we know?

We live with them. So, I mean, I will just add to the voices of people saying cats aren't. I have two cats and I love them and I would go to the ends of the earth for them, but they are massive dicks and so useless like if you're on a desert island they are entirely self-serving um you know they have absolutely no even for cats our cats are fairly standoffish and selfish um and i know that they would eat me in a heartbeat i know do you think so if you? Absolutely. God, they don't care. We go away and our neighbour comes in and feeds the cats and plays with them. And she's like, oh, you know, it was so lovely. They were so pleased to see me every day.

And oh, but I'm sure they've missed you. They'll be so pleased when you come back. And absolutely, as long as they're being fed, I think it makes absolutely no odds to them who's doing it. And they wouldn't care if we died tomorrow. I hate to say it, but that is kind of are they are they the kind of cats that will sit on your lap no no and they want nothing to do with this apart from feeding and uh and then also to uh we in my shoes that's the only other joy that my cats derive from yeah really no when i went to the vet, because one,

bless, now I am being, I'm being unnecessarily harsh for comic effect, right? I do genuinely love these cats and I wish them no ill and I'm sure there is a degree of affection on their side. But I was very concerned

because one of the cats, I've got some silver Nike trainers that I bought off eBay and I love them. And one of the cats weeded them and I was concerned and I asked a cat loving friend and I said, I don't know why she's sort of upset or, you know, and they said, oh, it's probably another cat's moved into the neighbourhood

or something, you know, is stressing her out. And then I washed the shoes and it sort of got the smell of cat wee out and then I went back to them and realised she'd done it again. And so then I thought, OK, well, look, this is clearly something. There's a problem. So I brought a litter tray. They don't have a litter tray anymore. They go out in the garden.

But I thought, well, I'll bring a litter tray back because obviously she's nervous about something outside. So the cat who was nervous then refused to use the litter tray and just continued to wee on my shoes. The cat who was absolutely fine, Midnight, who absolutely had no fear of anything, he then started doing all his number ones and number twos in the litter tray. And he is a big cat, so his poo is like human feces now, right? Really? Wow. So I'm now stuck with, I've got, sorry everyone if you're having your tea while listening to this, but I've got like this sort of reeking litter tray.

Oh no. I had to throw away the silver Nike trainers in there because I was like, there's just no way. So I went on eBay and I got another pair of the same ones. Bring them into the house and I will leave you to fill in the rest. No. Yep, she just, there's something about them. There's something about those

shoes that she really likes imagine thinking i really want to wee on that you know and it's specific because i have other shoes you know and she leaves those alone but there's something about those particular shoes and now i'm thinking well i don't think she was nervous i think she just really doesn't like these trainers she's like i'm I'm Reeboks, I'm Adidas. I don't do Nike. Maybe she's concerned about sweatshop conditions or something. I don't know. But she, anyway, and now I'm thinking,

well, I didn't need to bring the Listerine in because frankly, she's fine. But now I'm thinking, well, the other cat now is relying on, anyway. Okay. Oh my God. And they're just evil. They're just horrible animals and they

bring in i genuinely think you're right because i think that they don't care i think it could be anyone yeah right it could be like whoever as long as they're being fed and someone's giving them something to drink yeah okay because they're probably being fed by a bunch of other people in the street anyway absolutely they have no loyalty whatsoever but what i think is good about cats is that i think i because i really do love them like i really genuinely would be devastated if anything happened to them i love them and i imbue them with sort of human characteristics and i i you know i i give them so much and i get nothing in return and i think that is a really good lesson in life about the nature of duty and

love and that's what i sort of think is good for the children is because it's all very well having a dog who's great fun and who loves you and you know but cats it is all about sometimes you just have to love you right okay and that is its own reward yes okay you know so that that's what i think is good about cats but on a desert island worse than useless yes absolutely and to be surrounded by them for the rest of your life it'd be yeah you'd be scratched yeah that's it it's a bit weed on where do you see yeah no shoes yes um lucy thank you so much for coming in it's been such a pleasure it's been brilliant i feel like it's been therapeutic has it good and i feel terrible now about all the people I said were dicks.

Do you? Yeah, well, I do think, you know, you're putting it out there then, aren't you? And I wouldn't want any of them to sort of hear about it and feel bad. Thank you so much, Lucy. It's such a pleasure. Know that I am the biggest dick. Bye.