Desert Island Dicks - TOP OF THE COCKS VOL. 7 - TASKMASTER SPECIAL

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello, my name is Dan Benedictus and this is a special edition of Desert Island Dicks because this week there's a new series of Taskmaster and like many people, we're big fans of the show. And then we realised that we've had quite a few previous contestants of Taskmaster on Desert Island X which is more than enough reason for us to put together a compilation or as we like to call it a top of the cocks so we've got

all the previous guests of ours that have also featured on Taskmaster like Champion of Champions Richard Herring and loads more besides I was going to tell you about all of the guests but I realised that if you've got this far you've probably read the little description bit that shows you who's in here anyway or you're just happy to listen to it so I'll move on. You know why you're here and what you need to do so I'm going to leave you in peace to listen to this Taskmaster themed Top of the cocks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today is actor, musician, comedian, podcaster and more. He's an all-round polymath. It's Ben Bailey-Smith, also known as Doc Brown. How are you doing? Yeah, I'm not too bad. I'm feeling good. I've got that friday feeling you know i feel very positive so it's i've got to turn my brain around to get really nice and negative for this uh this particular concept that you've you've come up with well maybe it will just sort of make sure there is no negativity left in you yeah you know it's like think of it as a purge a cleanse yeah you know and hopefully it won't get you too

riled up i mean you know you you're involved in so many different things does that mean that you're you know relatively calm person and methodical or you know do you kind of get quite passionate about stuff and riled up easily no i think i'm i'm very very calm which means if i do get riled up it's so it's a problem because it's it's very rare so i'll explode my i'll have one daughter who's very similar like she never gets upset but that occasion that she does you've got to

batten down the hatches because it's going to get nasty you know whereas the other one it's just like she's always flying off the handle every day

so this is totally different don't take her that seriously yeah I just I don't I just don't see any point in getting worked up about stuff

I'm just more of an observer. I think about it. That way you do get things done much more efficiently if you just watch and observe and take a breath and then make your decision. If you're a reactive person, you might be more well-remembered, I suppose. You might be more highly regarded.

But you're going to make a lot of mistakes man do you know what it makes perfect sense and i'd like to say i'm similar but then i think back a few hours to getting the kids ready for school this morning and uh i don't know if it's true all the time yeah just lose it yeah okay well let's get into it and see how we get along then um who's going to be the first person joining you on the island well this is actually really tough man i found all the other questions way easier than people do you mean because first of all the first thing that came to my mind is if i was on a desert island like i would be on that list do you mean i had like being alone for too long i just get so irritated with myself you know just find myself going oh shut up like

to my to my own brain do you mean um but yeah i thought it'd be a bit too existential including myself but my the first the first three people that came to mind were me my dog and uh the traffic warden who patrols willsden lane like those those three people um but then i realized there was an animal so i cut the dog out and then I also realized that it's just too colloquial you know my local traffic warden probably doesn't mean a lot to other people it means a lot to me though so I then started thinking about people that everybody knows man and the first place my head, which is probably the first place a lot of people's minds wander, is to Jeremy Clarkson.

But then I thought, actually, I'd take all three of those dickheads from the Grand Tour and stick them in. Because they'd all irritate me equally. And that's a bit boring. So I scratched them. And also I thought Clarkson's just a bit too obvious. He's just, you know, his sort of raison d'etre is to be an obnoxious dick. Yeah, yeah.

So I thought it was too obvious. So then my mind went towards Prince Andrew. Okay. And I settled with him. I thought, yeah, definitely, definitely would not want to be spending any lengthy amount of time with that guy. You know, just someone so full of shit as him. You know, I mean, clearly he's an innocent man. I mean, it's a totally innocent man who paid a person that he'd never met £12 million.

Just one of those things that happens. Yeah, we've all done it. Sometimes in your life, you know, we've all done it. We've all been there. Just never met this person, but I should probably give her £12 million. Yeah, we've all done it. nightmares definitely for him it's just that he's such a great poster boy for sort of privilege and not realizing the extent to which you're wrong about things you know just that that normal everyday run-of-the-mill shooting weekend i see yeah absolutely that that bugs me that that kind of just no concept of other people at all really like what

other people might think or feel and just that sort of i'm gonna go and give this interview don't worry it's fine because once they hear me talk everything will be settled it's just that that level of i mean like unreal we could all do with a little bit of that self-belief but there's probably a point where there's definitely a line when you're like you were so far past real life absolutely shocking i mean as actually a friend of mine who interviewed him emily mateless uh and i spoke to her about it you know um because i was just fascinated by it having watched it the whole thing i just couldn't believe the level of scoop when i spoke to emily it, she said to me, dude, like no one was more shocked or surprised than me.

She said she went in that day expecting to just get PR'd up the wazoo. I mean, you can't ask this, you can't ask that, you can't ask this. She said there was just nobody there. Like nobody approached her. No one said, she just had this time she's like so i've just got the whole hour and i can just ask why there's like just go on with it she couldn't believe it she was shocked and then she didn't even get most of her bombshell questions out because he was just dropping bombs left right and center himself she was just sat there in shock not really having to do

anything just going are you sure you want to say what you just said because that sounds terrible yeah you almost want to coach him be like do you think this is going well i mean as an interrogator you kind of you know yeah she could not believe her luck so like she came away with everyone saying oh my god emily emily Emily's blown this thing wide open. But actually she was like, nah, he kind of did it himself. I was just there. Yeah. I mean, extra credit for just keeping a professional straight face

and not just going, whoa, mate, do you know what you just said? I know. She's so smart and she's so sharp. Yeah. And she's so pro. No one's and she's so pro like there's no one's ever going to pull the rug out from from under emily so there's no doubt about that but yeah regardless of your own intelligence and professionalism it was an amazing job to sit there and just go wait what to not do that was was a exceptional self-controller yeah yeah so spending time with him on the island

i mean i just think then on a practical level as well like you know i think um because on one on hand you know people say about like the royals oh you know they can get stuck in and work hard and stuff but i just think well you know you've also been looked after very well for a long time you know and i just think you know do you think he's gonna get his his hands dirty in terms of like chores and stuff like that he's not giving you much help i don't think he's not gonna help he's not gonna help i i mean does he know how to start a fire even i just i i just i see him being completely useless just one of those. Just making that noise quite a lot, which is unhelpful.

I'd probably have to eat him. Yeah, yeah. I imagine it'd be quite tender meat, you know, quite an unstressed life, isn't it? You know, that's got to be a good thing. When they talk about one of the bad things, well, one of the many bad things about, say, factory farming is, you know, it's just stress does bad things to animals you know yeah yeah makes them

all sinewy and wary you know the last couple of years notwithstanding you know he's probably had quite a relaxing time of it so absolutely yeah absolutely slice off a thigh so let's see who's going to be joining him who's the next choice on the island um i think it's everybody's favorite dj david guetta yeah um i i've never understood david guetta never from like the start you know there's like loads of actors and musicians and you know they're really irritating and you hate that all their output and you you just like oh god this guy again but if you trace their career back you go oh yeah but that's why you know that breakthrough hit or that amazing movie or you know that's why people loved him initially and he's dining out on that but i go back in this guy's he was always shit i just don't get him at all the music he plays is obviously

it's not my music so that's a bad start for any dj but for him to become this guy who's and i'm gonna sound like a hater here and i'm glad because i i hate him so it's perfect like you know this kind of super bowl level guy like d DJ's the biggest events in the world. You know, and when I say that, I mean, he's getting up and pressing play and then the rest of the time it's just like Christ-like pose that he does. Don't understand it.

I just don't understand it. Don't get it. I love DJs and I love the art of DJing, but I just don't see that that's what he's doing i mean he surely he spends more time highlighting his hair than than preparing any kind of uh mix for for live performance the last thing i saw him do actually um which sort of solidified my sheer disdain for the man was after the horrific George Floyd murder. There was a lot of celebrities, you know,

saying their piece and asking for peace. And some of it was cringy, but it was all, you know, comes from the right place david guetta um created a remix of the i have a dream speech by martin luther king and when i say remix all he did from a rooftop somewhere in los angeles or somewhere like that um with lots of sort of like very hot looking men and women around him, sipping champagne. He just like played a bit of the speech and then just went into the

arms up like Christ again. And he was like, he did this speech about this is what we've got to do to bring the world together, man. And I was like, yeah, yeah. Me and you,

we were never anything, but if we were, we're fully done now. But if only there'd been more mediocre house music, things could have been different. In a way, it'd be great to have him on the island just to watch him without the one thing that sort of makes him a star, without the turntables just to see

what's left yeah yeah because there's not much there no with the turntables and without his hair products like what happens and here to share their desert island dicks with us today you probably know him from clearing stones in a field or playing himself at snooker it's richard herring thank you hello hi how are you yeah i'm good well i'm all right i'm a bit i've had some sleep which has made me feel worse and i've got a bit of a bug off the kids but you know that's just normal so yeah sort of confused and tired and a little bit ill but that's my life now as a parent i feel like i've gotten you in a rare state because usually i'm listening to your podcast and you've gotten

up at four in the morning yeah so i've got up ten to ten today, which I don't think has ever happened in the last six or seven years, I would say. So, yeah, it's a bit strange. And then I told my wife when I went to bed very late, I'd been gigging. And I said to my wife, wake me up because I do have to get into London. We're outside of London now, but she didn't. So, you know, it's lucky I'm here. I could have slept in two or three. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you can make it thank you very much I'm going to address the tiny elephant in the room okay is that it sort of came to light

after I started this podcast some people started acting as both did yeah sure oh was it after okay yeah go on yeah

you actually do a feature on your podcast yes called Desert Island Dicks well one of my emergency questions it is who podcast called Desert Island Dicks. Well, one of my emergency questions is, who would your Desert Island Dicks be? But I kind of thought I'd go the route of Richard's because it was actually because Sarah Millican

was a guest early on and she'd just been on Desert Island Discs. And so I kind of thought, oh, it'd be fun to ask her about Desert Island Dicks, maybe meaning penises, maybe meaning idiots. And then I thought, oh, it'd be fun to ask about Des Island dicks, maybe meaning penises, maybe meaning idiots. And I thought, oh, let's mix it up and surprise people because they'll think it's going to be penises because it's me. Yeah. So I did it about you have to choose your favorite eight Richards that you'd go to on a desert.

And it's actually surprisingly difficult. I quite like making people do it and then actually, you know, they get three and then they go, oh, you know. And then you go, no, I want the other five as well. That's great, yeah. And I'm the luxury, Richard, you get anyway. Yeah, that's great. And then I've got quite a few other emergency questions that I wrote for my book. So one of them is about Des Island discs.

What eight disc-shaped objects would you take to a Des Island? This is good, yeah. Des Island dirks. That's quite a hard one for eight people called Dirk. I don't think I can name one. I don't think I managed to find eight, but I had to Google it. There's quite a hard one for eight people called Dierk. I don't think I can name one Dierk. I don't think I managed to find eight, but I had to Google it. There's Dierk Gently, there's Dierk Maggs, who's a radio producer.

I can't remember any of the others. I think there was some Danish Dierks. I think that might have come up because of Sophie Hagen. Yes, okay, yeah. Yeah, so we've done that. But yeah, if you start doing Ham Hand or Suncream Armpit podcast, then you're going to be in trouble. I think the Desert Island Dicks thing is a kind of,

you know, something that people would think. And it's a nice format. I've listened to this. Oh, thank you very much. You're very kind. Cheers. Great, because I did worry for a minute that I'd be your first choice on the island based on that.

If I'd thought of that, I would have done it. Let's change one of them. No, no, no, please. Richard, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first choice? Maybe one you might have had before, a more pretty one is Michael Gove. Yes, okay.

But only because I've had, like, I realised, I was just thinking about it, I've had a lot of intersections in my life with his life. Okay. And so I've had a lot of opportunities to rid the world of Michael Gove. Have you? Yeah.

I mean, you know, if I was an evil person, but also just it's weird how our lives have slightly intersected at different points. Right. And I think he's just, knowing a bit about his backstory, I just feel he's not somebody who should be anywhere near being in charge of the world about It's sort of work because a lot of the people Who are in government at the moment were at university at the same time as I was the same university as I was and I don't Remember and they would didn't mix in the same circles, but I've talked about this in my podcast

Well the comedy club we did in when I was at Oxford University in the comedy club We did was downstairs in a tiny little cellar in the Oxford Union Which is where all the debaters and the politicians went and it was quite a posh club that you had to I think it was something like £80 a term or a year or something you had to pay but that was beyond the scope of anything I could afford. So I was sort of vaguely

interested in the idea of being at the Oxford Union but I couldn't afford to go. But the comedy club we were allowed in to do that. We were in this cellar almost beneath the debating chamber, where Boris Johnson and David Cameron and Michael Gove were debating. And I don't remember anything,

but I remember Michael Gove, because he became president of the Oxford Union, I think, and there was all the photos up in the hall as you went through, and he was sitting there in a kilt, sort of smiling, this kind of gormless. He looked exactly the same. He looked middle-aged as a 20-year-old.

Yeah. And I just thought that, you know, it's fine, of course, to wear a kilt. And Michael Gove is, I think, technically Scottish, but it just felt like affectation. Yeah, for sure. And, you know, I don't think he's, I think even, I don't think any Scottish people would particularly want to claim him.

No. I don't think you're right. I don't think any Scottish people would particularly want to claim him. No, I don't think you're right. I don't think any Scottish people will be offended by me saying him wearing a kilt made me think he was a massive prick. And if you'd said to me then, oh, by the way, that guy will nearly be prime minister, but will, you know, be. And all the things that that group of eaten idiots have done to the country. And, you know, I sort of feel there's a drama or a TV series or something and this idea of downstairs in this cellar you've got Armando Iannucci, Stuart Lee, Richard Herring, Al Murray, lots of people down there who went on to kind of change the comedy world, as many of those people.

I'm not including myself in that. And upstairs all these people who would kind of wreck the room and give them lots of material to do that. So it's this odd kind of conjunction. But then one of my first jobs out of university was working on a programme called A Stab in the Dark, and we'd been brought, me and Stu had been brought in, I guess we might have been working on the ad by then,

but we'd been brought in to, they'd done a couple of episodes and it wasn't going very well. It was like an attempt to do a sort of political stand-up-ish show, but it was basically, David Baddiel was one of the hosts, which made some sort of sense.

Tracy McLeod, who was kind of arts correspondent and journalist, and Michael Gove was this other guy who was the... And thankfully, we didn't have to work with Michael Gove or interact with Michael Gove. But we were... Excuse me, me and Stuart were writing for Tracy McLeod, which was an enjoyable experience.

And it was an amazing thing because we got this job that suddenly... We'd been working for two or three years and I had not been making any money. And then suddenly, I was getting TV money for writing these, you know, helping write these monologues for Tracy McLeod.

And I have a feeling it was something like 700 pounds a week. And honestly, that was just a mind-blowing. I mean, hey, I could have joined the Oxford Union if I could have gone back. But like it was a mind-blowing amount of money. Yeah, it's life. It was insane.

So I earned more in the six, seven weeks we worked on that show than I would have done easily in the previous two years. I mean, by far. So it was a great job for us, and it was great to get it. But we knew straight away. We'd been brought in, and obviously it was this terrible show where the producers were aiming for controversy but not really understanding how to get it.

But Michael Gove was in that. And, you know, again, if you'd seen it, so we saw him from a distance. I seem to remember he was quite, he farted quite a lot. That was the story. That was the rumour about him. I don't know about that. But he was, you know, he was that kind of... Yeah, he looks like he's going off farting all the time.

And I don't want to judge him by his appearance, but he's got this kind of damp, you damp, dry but damp lips. Imagine him bearing down on you for a kiss. I feel very sorry for his wife if his wife wasn't so awful as well. He kind of looks like a potato made of ham. I'm sure he's a love now. He's not a nice fella. He was a journalist then, and again, he's seen middle middle-aged and he must have been 25 or 26 or something

uh and he did the things that he did i mean if they came out again i don't think really it's it made much of an impact i think i've seen one thing online where he's i can't even quite remember the details of anything he did but if they were to come out there he was always trying to be controversial and you know the things he said were horrible. But I guess no horrible than the stuff he actually says in his politics now. So again, I saw him there, and then the idea of that guy going on

to have all, you know, out of any of them, David Baddiel would be a much better politician. I know he would not be a good politician, but he'd be a much better politician. Tracy McLeod would be a great person to rule the country. But Michael Gove to go on to be a politician. And then I haven't had much dealings with him, but I did, before I moved out of the countryside,

I lived in Shepherd's Bush and I was in the Westfield with my wife drinking a beer at a tapas bar, sort of in the open plan thing. And Michael Gove just walked past with his kids and he was in the government. And there was just nobody protecting him or anything around him. And it was sort of around,

I think it was just probably pre the Brexit vote. Maybe it was just post it. But, you know, I had a bottle of beer. I just thought, God, if I could have just gone over and smashed him over the head. Maybe there were, maybe there were, maybe there were men waiting with sniper rifles to take out anyone who attacked him.

But, you know, it's just one of those things. It's just like, if I, if there's something I could have done anyone who attacked him. But, you know, it's just one of those things, if there's something I could have done, I would not, you know, and I'm joking about physical harm or whatever, because it's not funny obviously in reality, but it's... What if you persuaded him into a life of comedy? Yeah, exactly. Well, if only we could have done

something. But, you know, I just think out of all the people that could have done the job he's doing, those people and those people from that university, and they were the worst people at university. And it was a weird thing for me. I didn't go to a public school, and then I went to a comprehensive school, and I got into Oxford, and it was a big deal.

And all the time I felt, you know, I'm going to get discovered and found out and chucked out. And all the time I was just doing comedy. I wanted to go there to do comedy and then in the end that's all I really did when I was there. But, you know, I moved in very different circles

and I was very intimidated by the confidence of those guys, of those public school, not just, not them specifically, those type of people. And, but then in the end

you realise, you know, I ended up, I didn't, I ended up getting quite a good degree and I think, and I didn't really do any work. And I think if I'd known I could have got that degree,

I would have worked hard and got that same degree. I don't think I'd have gone up any. Why would you have worked hard to get there? Because I just thought if I knew I could have done it, I just thought, oh, it's a mistake. They're going to get found out. And I'm not as clever as all these people. And then I realised I was as clever as all these people.

And they were just stupidly confident because they'd been to public school, because they'd been to Eton, because they'd been to Eton and this had all been brought into them. And they're not the people we want ruling the country. And the fact that somehow Michael Gove has managed to convince anyone that he's a man of the people

or that he cares about people who live in Sunderland. It's just, it's insane. He's not a nice person. No. And he's not a good just insane he's not a nice person and he's not a good politician he's not a good person I guess I'd like him to be on the desert island with me because that would mean he wouldn't be here so if I'm

on a desert island anyway and then maybe I could cook and eat him he would be piggy if it was Lord of the Flies he would but yeah so you i you know i don't it's very well these things thinking i'm not a particularly negative person a lot of these things where you're asking me to think i know you're not yeah thinking of i mean it's fun to

maybe be comedic about people but i don't really hate anyone you know i don't really hate many people when i came down to i just thought just thought, out of everyone. Yes. And barring just the really obvious candidates in politics. Yeah. I was on this week, on the same week as Nigel Farage was on, and I was in the same room as him. And at one point, after midnight, walking down a dark corridor behind him with just the two of us there. Yeah.

Again, thinking this is sort of weird that you have this position. But, you know, I'm so if that, you know, I'm not saying Nigel Farage is like Hitler, but if you'd been in a position where in 1932 you'd been walking down a corridor with Hitler and you'd crocked him over the head, I mean, no, you'd just be in prison and no one would care,

but you could have stopped all of that happening. You could have changed history, yeah. Maybe that was your moment. Yeah, and so exactly. So you sort of think, at the end of my life, am I going to look back and say, ah, that tapas bar, maybe I should have just left my wife and children without a father or father in prison so that I could change history.

Would it have changed history? Would the world be better or worse without Michael Gove in it? I don't know. It's just sort of weird the way that those... It's weird. It feels that our lives have intersected without even crossing over, really. Yes. And so there's something about him that...

Did you ever find yourself next to him, having a conversation in a bar? No, I don't think I've ever... I'm not sure I've ever spoken to him. Maybe when we did Stab in the Dark. You crossed paths. Maybe, but I don't know if we did. We were sort of kept so separate.

And I'm glad, because it was actually an enjoyable experience, because Tracy was so lovely yes but everyone else in that program I mean David was lovely as well but all the production

team was such dicks there was a guy there was a guy called I won't say okay but there was a guy who was a producer

who we used his surname as a as a shorthand for not understanding a joke basically for about five or six years afterwards because he just we'd go we did a joke, basically, for about five or six years afterwards because we'd go, we did a joke about 15-year-old Stephen Hendry

for some reason, and he went, oh, I think Stephen Hendry's actually 27 years old. Yeah, and we'd make him a joke about the fact that he looks like a teenager. So it was that sort of complete misunderstanding of comedy. So that became a, whatever whatever yeah my i can't remember i absolutely can remember and he was not he wasn't an unpleasant person okay yeah uh so i

won't say his name but uh uh and that's just there was a guy called uh what was his name there was a guy who became quite famous famous uh novelist fisher t-ball fisher who was was also a researcher on that show uh so it was it was it's sort of an interesting, it was a very interesting job. It was amazing to kind of get into the TV world. But yeah, Michael Gove was a ghostly, weird, stinking, he was like a human fart. Yeah. That has permeated through my life

and then the fart has got worse and worse and now the fart has spread throughout the whole country. I looked at, yeah, I was having a look earlier there. I think they sort of created a job to just keep him in politics a couple of months ago. They changed the role and made him that role. Yeah, well, it's interesting because obviously he's, and even Cameron was talking about this,

but the way that him and Boris Johnson just betrayed the country, the Conservative Party, then they betrayed each other, or Gove betrayed Johnson. So I quite like the fact that Johnson, if at all, just because Gove is now forced to come into this underling position. I'm not delighted that Boris Johnson is the Prime Minister,

I have to say. But the fact that Michael Gove has had to kind of take that hit, that he betrayed Boris Johnson is the Prime Minister I have to say, but the fact that Michael Gove has had to kind of take that hit that he betrayed Boris Johnson and now Boris Johnson sort of has to give him a job but he's given him a job when the position went oh now, you know he sort of deserves that

fate, but then you just don't know with politics, I mean I remember a year ago, even less than that maybe the papers were just saying, that's it, Boris Johnson's blown it, he'll never be Prime Minister now because of one of his many gaffes. And so, you know, and here he is. Yeah, okay.

Michael Gove is going to be your third choice. Thank you very much, Richard. Hello. My name's Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island X Live. Thank you. It's the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Fern Brady. Fern Brady. How are you doing? Good. That was a nice posh hello from one member of the audience. Hiya. You OK?

Yeah, good, thanks. So we're about to share our, well, your desert island dicks, the worst people and worst things to be stuck with. Do you find that easy as a person to just sort of rant about things that you hate? Yeah, I send you my choices pretty much immediately. When you phoned to do the research chat, I started off telling you my least favourite people straight away.

Did I not? You seem like a natural, and that's kind of why we booked you. You're in the right place. And how many people in the audience work in radio and know the people I'm going to talk about? There's a smattering, I think. We'll see the reaction.

You look like you work in media. I do. No, the audience. Yeah, that's kind of like saying you look like a wanker. But, I mean, it's fine. No, we can all be wankers together. That's what we're in Soho for. It's a safe space for wankers.

Anyway, look, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Oh, pate. Pate. Yeah. Lovely minced up, chopped, reformed livers.

Creamed, puried animal organs we're coming up to Christmas now more people are going to be eating it just the smell of it on someone else's breath is like even just imagining it it makes my stomach turn it's so awful

yeah it's a weird thing isn't it because it is just mashed up organs reformed into a paste. But sometimes it's exotic. It's like, oh, it's marmalade glazed reformed organs in a paste. They don't put that on the packet, obviously. I'm a vegetarian.

I don't even like the vegetarian recreations of it. Are there vegetarian pâtés? Yeah, obviously. I'm a vegetarian, and I don't even like the vegetarian recreations of it. Are there vegetarian patties? Yeah, yeah, but I don't even like seeing it. The worst is seeing someone chew up a cracker with patty or bread with patty and seeing it through their open mouth. It's horrible. Give me a cheer if you guys like patty.

Ooh, lots of you! Why? It's tasty. Oh, the texture is so smooth, smooth meat. It's horrible. You can get chunkier ones as well, can't you, depending on how... No, you don't. I don't know what's more hardcore.

What, cat food? Yeah. It's not... Chunky ones. I think you get sort of more chunky ones. Or is that... What are the chunks? The same mash...

Slightly less mashed up shit. Oh. I do... Even, I mean, the whole patty family, I don't like terrine either. Sal salmon, mousse, any of that, because we're coming up to that season of all those kind of salmon, mousse, and Patty, and the mackerel stuff as well.

That's a thing. Yeah, yeah. But the tension makes me feel like you all like it. And you all stuff your mouths with it and have just open mouths filled with patty smooth creamy organs oh see i'm i'm sort of on the fence i'm not i don't hate it but it's very difficult to make a case for it someone on our instagram recently said oh you just agree with everything and it's like it's because because you're making a really good case how can i now go oh these delicious creamy organs but when you spread them on a bit of like there's no you can't you can't make a case for it being nice because even it shouldn't have the texture i don't want meat to have the texture

of like smooth creamy galaxy chocolate it's wrong is there is it maybe could they administer it in a different way like i don't know there's no there's no you can't do anything with it you can't administer it in a different like i have before i was vegetarian i i'd eaten animal organs whole and that's preferable but you still get like arteries or veins or something in them um yeah let's not forget this is going to be airplane pate as well that you're stuck with. Is that a thing? No, you've crashed the context.

So this pretend framework, we're hanging it off. But I imagine on a plane, it would probably come out of those little UHT little things. Well, that's good, because there would be a small serving of it. Pop it out like a little ice cube of lung. Well, that's good, because there would be a small serving of it. You just sort of pop it out, like a little ice cube of lung or something. No, it's liver, isn't it? Anyway. Okay, well, that's a good... I bet... I think, as well,

Frank Skinner, he must love pate. Oh, he loves it! Frank Skinner, he's got potted meats, hasn't he? He's like, oh, shrimp... He loves it. He's got, like, some crab paste or something. He's like the poster boy for that kind of thing, I think. He loves it, man. You can imagine the influencer trying to do a blog like scratching it into a rock because there's nowhere to publish the blog but about how like a pate only diet for 30 days is good for your

complexion or something like that a pate now wouldn't be an instagrammable food actually never comes up on on instagram i mean there's other foods that I hate. You can add one in if you'd like. Anything, the layer of gelatin that comes up in sliced ham. Pate's friend. Yeah. I mean, the jelly's on the pate as well.

They're close bedfellows, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. I mean, a lot of this is a big reason why I'm a vegetarian, is just all the mad, unnatural stuff, like jelly and meat. So we're going to give you a nice pate with a big layer of jelly on top.

So that when you slice it, there's a nice sort of... Or like in a pork pie, where there's a layer of gelatin between the pork and the pastry. Okay, what are you going to wash it down with? What's your drink choice? Any alcohol I don't really like. This is a controversial choice,

I'm sure, as I look at everyone drinking. Christmas time in Britain, and you don't like lovely, lovely booze. It's fair enough. It just doesn't suit me. I'm not clean living by any means, but it's just not a drug that suit me. I'm not, like, clean living by any means,

but it's just not a drug that suits me. I mean, like, I took MDMA on Saturday, and the worst that happened was I started replying really earnestly to everyone's tweets on my timeline. And I also... I live in Catford in south-east London, and we should all be on ecstasy in Catford because you don't feel frightened anymore of all the maniacs in Catford you just look into people's

faces and you just see pain and hurt and you feel compassion I was like I felt like a Buddhist monk um I had a great interaction getting the bus home because a guy tried to do that sort of sexist, benevolent thing of going, no, after you, as I got on the bus, I went, after you, sir, after you, and insisted that he got on the

bus before me. Fantastic. A great night, listening to Massive Attack, getting the bus from crystal palace to catford um whereas drink it just makes me feel sick it has millions of calories in it like i'm from a country where everyone drinks excessively and they all look like fat melted candles like everyone everyone in scotland just ages premature prematurely from drinking too much. So I have really, really conservative views on drink.

Yeah. Well, yeah, but you've coupled it with, like, very tolerant views on Class A drugs. Well, that's why I felt like I had to say that. You know, like, you're not sort of being too... You know, it's OK. But do you know what? I feel like there'd be more empathy for me

if I was a recovering alcoholic because people have more sympathy then because they go, ah, you understand how great drink is then. You just can't do it anymore. Whereas I've never, never got into it. And I tried, but I just can't get into it. I think a big thing is I've never struggled to say what I think.

And I don't need alcohol to make me a slut. So then in Britain, I mean, British people are so repressed that that's kind of alcohol's main function, isn't it? To tell people who you think are a cunt to finally tell them they're a cunt.

And to have sex with people that are embarrassingly ugly, I guess. That's why people need alcohol. So I've never really felt I need it for that. I mean, you make a good case for not needing it. I mean, I can't argue with that. I mean, you're going to be sharing the island with Frank Skinner. Again, he's a teetotaler now.

Well, we could bond over that. Yeah, but he's a former alcoholic, so he's going's a teetotaler now but well we could bond over that yeah but he's you know he's former alcoholic so he's gonna say coming from different angles i'm you know quite an alcohol fan but i find now increasingly it's like it's just making me worse and worse and i'm like i don't want to give it up because it tastes nice but like i mean i'm not drinking to excess i'm just in my house like it's all i've got to do because i've got kids so like getting the weed and all i do oh no the thing is alcohol makes me even more tired weed is like even more it's like i can't you know no you need the right um there's strains that make you feel more awake i'm a big stoner and i hate when people tell me they can't

get into weed um because because they feel paranoid, because I'm like, when you first started drinking, you probably weren't very good at that. I mean, if you look at a Saturday night in London, a lot of people aren't very good at drinking, but they persist with it week after week. Whereas with weed, a lot of people have never really given it the chance.

Yes, there's a bit at the start when you first smoke it where you look around the room at your friends and you think, I should murder all of you. That's just the first bit. You have to ride that out and then the good bit happens after that. Okay, well we'll have to have a chat afterwards then.

Because, you know, I want to be an open-minded guy and I do love my children, so, you know, I'll just give it a go. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now.

That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian, writer and host of the Cuddle Club podcast, Lou Sanders. Whoa, I'll hype myself in, should I? How are you today? I'm very good actually yeah I am yeah why not what I'm holding back from all the boring stuff like I was gonna say I was gonna tell you stuff and we don't know each other that well and I think like focus on the positives oh that isn't what this podcast is about is it? Well no I mean I was gonna say because obviously you know you host the cuddle club podcast which is you know about cuddling um broadly speaking and you know I'm gonna ask you

to sort of talk about things and people that you hate I mean is this a bit of a a bit of a gear change I don't want to sort of like mess up your you know your outlook on life or anything yeah you don't want to mess up the brand well I, I think I've got some workarounds because, well, when we get into it, I'll tell you. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, if it's getting too much and we need to stop and talk about something upbeat for, you know, there's like a little like palate cleanser between sections, you know, we can do that. We can be flexible.

The thing is, I am a little bitch, but I'm trying not to be. That's the thing. Like I've spent a lot of money on alternative health and healing and spiritual stuff. And then now and again, I'm still a little bitch. But it's a work in progress. It's a lifetime's work to not be a little bitch. Some people are not born a bitch.

And I think that's lovely, actually. Some people have to do less work on themselves to be naturally nice. I'm only horrible about people that I think are horrible about me. Fortunately, you're not going to be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, least favourite film, The Hangover 2. I think it's The Hangover 2. Yeah, it was the most sexist thing I've ever seen in my frigging life. Like, it might be The Hangover 1, but I'm sure it's 2. The guy who's getting married, right, his father-in-law is like,

oh, whatever happens and his dad do, you know, don't worry about it, mate. Like, you know, boys will be boys. Like her dad is saying effectively, yeah, you know, screw who you want, don't worry about it, what we like. And you're like, what? Like what's going on here? And the girls are so lame. They just want to go in the spa and stuff.

I mean, I don't mind a spa, but it's like the girls could be any replaceable kind of 2D, you know. And the boys are like, yeah, legends. They're having all the fun. And the girls are just like so passive, they don't even speak. I mean, it was a long time I watched it it but I remember being really angry at the time so that would be my worst film um because I know that sometimes men write films and they don't know how to portray women and that so they just like don't really do anything with them they're just sort of there to like I don't really know like a cardboard cutout but then sharon hoger once said if you

have problems writing women just write them as men and then change the name at the end and i thought oh yeah because we're not different like you know i don't know maybe we go to spas more often but the friends i know that that like, like activities and action and, you know. Yeah. Yeah. You want to have fun and also go to a spa as well. Like you can do, but I quite want to go out. If I, next time I go on a stag do, I'd quite like to go to a spa the next day.

That would be quite nice. You know, that's a good sort of cure for like a big night out. You know, like why can't we have both? Yeah. I'm going to and like all my friends are hardcore that are girls they like like um you know do skateboarding or roller skating or there's not any difference between or I'm going to adult gymnastics um next week so I want to try and learn how to do a back flip wow and I put me trying online I attempted one and it was really bad and um at like trampoline in place and my friend was like I need to teach

how to do this safely he did I didn't realize he was a gymnast when he was younger and then he sent me a clip of him doing like all these like front flips and back flips and everything and he's going to teach me how to do one wow that's just such a good trick to have flips and back flips and everything. And he's going to teach me how to do one. Wow. That's just such a good trick to have in your back pocket. And especially because you don't drink, so there's no risk. Because I think it's a dangerous thing for someone who drinks to have it up their sleeve.

But you're never going to be like, I'm pissed, watch this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're safe. You've got like the safety catch. So it's perfect. I haven't given up cooking. No, I have actually. But yeah, that would be really cool, won't it?

He's in The Lion King. Wow. Imagine that. And he's going to teach me. Yeah. I mean, I'm quite clumsy, so we'll see. But if I'm talking to you next time in the neck brace, we know why. But you're good at roller skating and you go in a skate park and everything so you've already got

a certain amount of like i'm not yeah i don't think i'm very good actually like my friends are really good i think you need to go all the time to be good and um like some of my friends oh my god they're so good and i feel like a bit lame and um but then you know some of them are like 21, 22. Of course they're going to be better. Yeah, exactly. Of course they're going to be good. Also, you need to think about yourself on a scale. I can't roller skate and you're really good at roller skating.

Yeah, next to you. Next to you, I could dream. Exactly. Exactly. So, you know, it's just who you surround yourself with. If you want me to stand next to you next time you go, I'm happy to put on a pair of skates and fall over a bit if that will make you feel better thank you I hadn't been skating for ages and I went back and um this was a while ago now and uh I was very you get quite self-conscious because

like some people are just so good and you feel like oh god I'm too old to be this shit you know and um I was psyching myself up to like drop in again and this guy went oh I loved you on Taskmaster and I went oh thank you then I felt even more like people would be like he'd be watching me or whatever to see if I was any good and then dropped in and fell over straight away it's so embarrassing yeah I mean I've been trying to learn to skateboard since in the last couple of years as well and you know I'm really too old to start doing that and it is very like if you're a grown-up it feels like you should have been like you know because you see people my age and they've been doing it since they were 10 and they're very good they might be with their kids teaching their kids to skateboard

and I'm like yeah I can't skateboard or my son I can't teach him either really so we're just both falling over so oh do you go with your son? Well, he has his bike and I'll go on the skateboard, you know. So that's sort of, then we can be about the same pace and it's okay. How old is he? He's four and a half, but he's very, he's very, the opposite of extreme sports, whatever that adjective would be. So he's very, you know, very scared of everything like that. So, you know, it's quite good for me because I'm crap.

So it's not like he's whizzing off and I'm struggling behind. So it's quite a good balance, really. Yeah, it's quite nice that he'll be safe around roads and stuff. But it's a shame we can't all sort of have a kid like Sky Brown, really, isn't it? Yeah, because she's pretty cool. Yeah, any other kid next to Sky Brown is a bit embarrassing, really. But then think how shit they'd make you feel.

Like if you're, you know, you had a daughter who was like much better at roller skating, at least you're, you know, you've got a head start. No, I think I'd love it because I'd just be like,

okay, I'm just going to get into collages or something, you know, better basket weaving or something, you know. Yeah. Hey, Lou, what's your song choice

going to be um well i think it's any repetitive so my pet hate is beeping noises like it makes me so mad like if anyone wanted to torture me i think they just play beeping noises in um but anything repetitive so maybe it's like a kid's song like my goddaughter likes like every kid likes baby shark yeah so maybe it's something like that like that i think that would be the worst i can't think of any other songs that i hate hate what songs do you hate i mean yeah same that sort of repetitive i mean there's there comes a point with like kids music where you hear it so often that you just can't hear it anymore yeah i was saying to i think it's alice james recently he because we were talking about a

similar thing and my son had just got into listening to crazy frog do you remember that yeah yeah and i thought that was just gone like i thought that was something from like 20 years ago would never come back and it somehow popped up on youtube and he loves it and then i was sort of saying how awful it was and how i was trying to steer him somewhere else and then like he was like but i really like it and i was like oh yeah you do don't you and i'm sort of taking it away from you but it is also shit as well yeah i mean in terms of bleepy music i quite like sort of like electronic music so i don't i can put up with a lot of repetitive electronic music but

i can also get how it can be seen it's quite meaningless no electronic there's a few things going on it's not just like one beeping noise continually so electronic music some of it's all right actually heavy metal i think i'd find that tricky if it was a really heavy metal song you know they've done an experiment i don't know if this is true or a bit woo-woo but they did an experiment on um how water freezes and and they put half the group with um i think like classical music and then half the group a group group of water ice um with like heavy metal music and the patterns I think this might be one of these internet bullshit things but the patterns um under the classical music the ice was symmetrical patterns or something

what am I talking about I don't know and then under the heavy metal music it was all like shards and i don't know this could be horseshit and i can't retell it very well this is like at the start of the podcast was searching in my head for in the name of the book for about 10 minutes great guest i mean i'm just glad that there are scientists out there doing important work in the field of thank you what how how how water freezes when water is listening to different kinds of music. Well, yeah, you can't be working on cancer the whole time. Exactly. Exactly. OK, so should we say a particularly repetitive children's song then?

Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. It's yours to go insane to and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is chameleon sorry not chameleon he's a comedian jamali maddox how you doing mate i like chameleon yeah i think i might go with chameleons you know i mean i mean you could be both you could change color and be funny you could be whatever you want to be yeah yeah right now uh Right. Now, Jamali, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I would say a cat.

Okay. I have a cat. I like cats. You know what I mean? Yeah, me too. But I ain't got an issue with cats, but we've got to look where we are. Desert island, you don't want them. You know what I mean?

Because it's like, even once you domesticate them they they offer no help you know i mean they don't hunt for you it's not like a dog where dog will hunt guard do this do that if you if a cat finds food it will eat the food it won't bring it to you oh yeah you know like even'm saying though like even when they bring you a dead bird they're not bringing you that dead bird like look eat it's bringing you a dead bird of like look what i did you know yeah yeah witness my power yeah witness my power because it's like cats it's that it's that old saying where you're you own dogs cats own people you know yeah like you you're you're sort of a whim to your cat and i've got a cat and i love

my cat my cat's a good cat like my cat doesn't scratch people you know when my little cousin was mad little and he's like stroking it too hard it doesn't you know bite and that because some cats you know scratch if it's getting stroked too hard with kids never did none of that you know really nice cat but then on a desert island it's just worthless yeah i mean as i record this my cat is sitting next to me on the bed and you know he's a lovely boy but you know pretty useless and he's he's eight years old he's only getting lazier as time goes on and i mean what i like about cats is that you know people go our dogs you know man's best friend always so pleased to see you and i'm like, you know, if you meet a person like that, it's a bit too much.

It's like, how are you so excited? Yeah, like, I've just been in the shop for five minutes, like, calm down, this is too much. Yeah. And then when dogs are aloof, it's not a good thing either, you know? Yeah. Like, you kind of don't want your dog

not to care about you either. Yeah, but you're right, like, on a desert island, you need a team of people that are going to like die for each other yeah you know they're not going to stop until they found the food or like solve the problem or made sure everyone's safe whereas like if everyone was just like a cat you'd be like all right fuck you then i'm gonna go and eat and then maybe do something but i'm not telling you about it yeah yeah yeah and they just and they just go like cats have different owners like i had a i got a cat my cat just went missing for three

weeks and come back looked fed looked cared for like i went holiday and so the people across the road started feeding my cat so my cat goes there now constantly looking for do you know what i'm saying though like there's no loyalty in them yeah there's no loyalty in cats and you can't and like worse comes to worse if the cats loyalty in cats and you can't and like worse comes to worse if the cats overrun the island you can't really even eat a cat I don't think

no it's not going to be great I don't think no and it's that thing of like you know doesn't matter that you're like basically you know your cat's part of the family

you've nurtured and loved it since it was a kitten but still every now and again you're like do you want you know try and give it a stroke or a cuddle and it's just like

fuck you man what are you doing what are you doing like you know like you're trying to do something really weird to it and you're like oh wow all right yeah like your cat your cat would just and like the thing is about your cat as well is that it won't miss you when you're gone like if i had my cat now love you know nice cat jumps on your lap for a stroke lovely cat if we just went missing the cat would go okay i guess i'm feral now like there's no like a dog will try and find you yeah there's none of that like sitting by its owner's grave no no we're a cat no cats don't care i mean you might get one in a blue moon but you know cats in general i just think on a desert island you're gonna want something a bit more that you

could use yeah for survival as opposed to just having there that and it just eats extra food and doesn't help yeah or even if you couldn't use it just something that you could sort of like just offload with and just sort of enjoy the company you know like you know you've had a hard day with the other you and your mate who's not really pulling his weight and Bear Grylls. And you're just like, oh, there's that animal. Let's bond. Let's have a nice cuddle. And it's true what you say, though.

You could have that cat for 30 years and then you go and stroke it. It's just like, do I know you? Yeah. You know, it's just, yeah. And they're just, you know, I think they are the ultimate dick of the animal world. And I love them. I'm a cat man. I'm a dog man deep in my heart. I'm a cat man. I'm a dog man deep in my heart.

I'm a dog man. But like, I love cats, man. I like animals in general, you know. But, you know, these cats are just, I guess, you know, on a desert island, they're just the worst one to have. Have you ever met a cat owner where their cats are kind of strangely affectionate?

Like there's this one girl I know and she has two house cats and she uh and and they can't go out because it's in like downtown la you know so that you just can't let them out and um and they're just strange man like they're too they're just way too affectionate and they just like they wake her up in the morning and it's just it's too much and you go you'll catch her that like that yeah you know suspicious maybe it's like is this because they don't go out this is the only change of scene they've got i really don't know what it is man but i've met the cats too and they're just strange cats man like one of them yeah one of them's got like boss-eyed and is weird

but the other cats like it's just it's just strange i just i don't think your cat should be that affectionate yeah i mean you know like as i my cats are asleep on the bed next to me as I record this. And, you know, some animals, I would maybe feel bad about being so rude about them and their species in front of them, you know, even though they can't understand. Of course, of course. There's this point, you know, you feel a bit aware of it.

The only reason I don't mind is, like, I don't mind saying cats are idiots next to my cat because I know he doesn't give a fuck about what i think he would agree any of my opinions he's like yeah whatever you fucking lose yeah and he would agree with you if you'd be like you're a dick and you go yeah yeah so are you what yeah he wouldn't care brother he would do that thing of like he'll try and make you flinch like you've got to punch you and make you flinch in there yeah it's like i'm still the boss around here yeah yeah good a fine choice jamali and uh yeah added to the rest of your choices i think

you've made a pretty horrendous habitat for yourself and for everyone else so uh you've succeeded very well in the in the um in the point of this uh this podcast so well done i'm glad and now jamali where can uh people sort of hear or see more of you at the minute well i mean with lockdown this you ain't gonna be seeing much of me really i mean i'm on all the socials under my name jamali maddox and uh i'm gonna try i just thought about it today i'm gonna try and do some outdoor shows you know if the weather holds up yeah it doesn't get worse so i going to try and do some live stuff. Because I know there's people who are trying to experiment with stuff,

doing it outside or doing it on a rooftop. So I might try and do some Jamalian friends and stuff. So look out for that. But that's about it, really. Cool. Nice one. Well, thanks again for coming on Desert Islanders today. Thanks for having me, brother. All right, bye. so there you go that was taskmaster top of the cocks and coming out later this week we will have a desert island dicks featuring a guest who is on the new series of Taskmaster as well.

So that should be out towards the end of the week. So a good way of making sure you don't miss that is to subscribe and then you will never miss an episode. All the Dicks content will just be there for you without having to think of it or remember. It'll be ready for you when you're on a train or you've got no reception. It'll just be there waiting. Desert Island Dicks is a Sink Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon.

It was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. It was expertly edited by Chris Attaway. And actually, in this instant, it was edited by James Deacon. So he gets an extra shout out there. And thanks, as always, to John Deacon for his continued and passionate support. What else was I going to say? Oh yeah, if you would like to have a go on Desert Island Dicks and get your submissions in, and tell us who and what you'd hate to be stuck on a desert island with, then do get in touch,

and you could be in one of our Compact Dicks episode, which is entirely listener-generated. So to do that, go to dickspod.com slash contact, or you can go to Twitter or Instagram and just give us a little DM. We're on those platforms at DixPod. That's all there is to it. You know how social media works. I know you do. It's the modern world. I think that's it for me today. So we'll be back soon with more dicks. Until then, I hope you have a dick free week, apart from the dicks that you listen to on this podcast. Oh, God, I'm really rambling.

I'm going to wrap it up. Okay, bye.