Desert Island Dicks - TOUSSAINT DOUGLASS

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Dan is joined by the very funny Toussaint Douglass to discuss the worst people and things in the world, along the way taking in topics as diverse as the delicious broth you get at the end of a bowl of noodles, and Craig David's timekeeping. Listen for it to all make sense. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. And oh boy, am I tired today. That's a rhetorical question. Don't answer it. The answer is, of course, yes. Yes, I am tired. Children have made me tired, but that's not why you came here. You came here to listen to Desert Island Dixon. Today on Desert Island Dixon, we've got Toussaint

Douglas. He's a very funny man. I recommend you check him out online, but not before you've listened to this podcast, because all the evidence of his funniness is right here, just waiting for you to stuff it into your ears. So let's do that. Just before, though, quickly, a reminder that you can always send in the people and things you hate to us, including our spin-off podcast, Compact Dicks,

so you can get in touch, dickspod.com slash contact, and you can get in touch on Instagram and Twitter at DixPod. But hey, listen, you've turned up, you've done a good thing today by choosing to download and listen to this podcast. Why not take the love a little bit further? Why stop at the foreplay? Let's go all the way. I would like you to subscribe to this podcast, please. And then I'd like you to go to this podcast please and then i'd like you to go one further and leave us a rating and a review you know just like the cigarette

after the intercourse um look you don't have to smoke and this is fast becoming a disgusting analogy but look let's just leave it and just say it would be nice if you give us a little rating and review it's useful you know if you don't want to, that's fine. But if you do, I'm going to think more of you. And I suppose it depends how hungry for my approval you are. But, you know, let's just see, shall we? I'm tired. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. These are just sounds right now. But look, when I recorded this podcast, I was less tired and I made more sense. And Tucson Douglas made even more sense. And Toussaint Douglas made even more sense. And that's why I'm going to shut up now and let you listen to Desert Island Dicks

with Toussaint Douglas. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Toussaint Douglas. How are you doing? Hi, I'm good. Thanks, Dan. Thanks for having me. No, thanks for coming along. I say thanks for coming along, we're both at home, everyone knows how this works.

I am in my kitchen as we speak, the kitchen office. Yeah, and I'm sitting on my bed, so yeah, both visions of domestic bliss. I like that, I can see on your fridge you've got various small small kitchen utensils like magnets they're like tiny fish slices yeah we've got we've got i can give you a little tour um we've got the vince and van go some flowers because you know we'd like to let everyone who frequents our fridge know that we're very cultured here yeah um we've got there's one from ramsgate um because obviously we're you know i'm very well traveled uh clearly that one's got meerkats on it as well i'm not quite sure what meerkats have to do with ramsgate i guess they

just need a hook um uh to make people go there and uh then there's one a very lovely uh heart a knitted um love heart which says i love you on it uh that was that was from my girlfriend um but that she she spelt the u in i love you with just the letter u um and has missed out the y and the o um which i think is a little bit shoddy uh to be honest yeah i love you but i don't want to take too much time over this relationship yeah it's like what are we like you know 15 year olds in the early 2000s i don't know it was a bit you know which i learned is not the first thing you should um say to your girlfriend when she gives you a new love heart for valentine's day uh maybe the fifth thing but not the not the first so yeah

maybe in there's the heat of passion when she's making this love heart, you know, it's just it's easy to sort of get carried away and forget a couple of letters. I think just having the U is probably better than just having like the Y and then just not bothering to finish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. She's a person of very few words. Oh, that's fine. Speaks in her actions instead. Exactly. And how do we find you

today how are you feeling you sort of in a in a good mood for slagging off people and things or um uh yeah i mean i'm pretty pretty buoyant um i've had i've had uh my my tea and toast so um i'm well fueled for for some slagging off action um i mean i i i'm someone who i don't get worked up like that that easily but i'm more kind of a nitpicker it's more like just small little things will bother me but then i just forget about them so like this was kind of i had to really think about okay what do who would i you know what do i really dislike and stuff like that so it's quite a good exercise for me actually okay cool well well it'll be interesting to see your choices then um or rather hear them because of this being an audio format um cool well let's go straight into it then um who's going to be your first choice

joining you on the island so my first choice um is the queen um i picked the queen not because not like for anything like recent events obviously no kind of recent uh you know events with the passing of um prince philip and all that kind of stuff like that or because i'm some kind of like massive um abolished the monarchy kind of raving republican but just because i purely picked the queen just because I couldn't think of anyone um more different from me like we come from completely different worlds so I feel like we have absolutely nothing in common uh stranded on a desert island and it and it'd be like a really bad sitcom from the 80s you know it's like the queen and the comedian it just it just would be terrible yeah because i've

i mean i've heard reports that apparently she's got quite a dry sense of humor but i mean a dry sense of humor for the queen is probably just because it's so unexpected anything she says that's slightly sarcastic oh queen but i mean in normal people terms you know she is still sort of like yeah what a 90 year old, very, very posh woman. So I think there's probably not going to be that much overlap in comedy, is there? Exactly. And I feel just like, you know, obviously straight away, the Queen would, you know, she'd be trying to claim the island as a British colony. Right. Yeah. And say she's the ruler, which would be super awkward because it'd be just the two of us. You know, like when there's an island full of people

like Britain, you don't notice so much the whole kind of archaic power dynamic bit about having a royal family. You know, like they're the rulers, you're the subjects. But when it's just two of you, that's going to be a bit weird, isn't it? Like all of a sudden it's lesser, oh, isn't this a nice kind of patriotic thing

and more of a dom-sub relationship? You know, like you need a minimum number of people to make the whole monarchy thing not weird. And two people is not enough. Like when it's just two of you you you're not a royal subject anymore you're just her sub yeah yeah there'd be this weird kind of dynamic in our kind of island relationship which i'm not entirely sure uh i'd be very comfortable with yeah definitely because even if you strip away all this of aristocracy and the fact that she's the queen she's still a

very old woman. So she's going to need a lot of looking after as well. So you're already in a subordinate position. And then, yeah, as you sort of allude to, it's like if you're within the setting, you know,

if you went to Buckingham Palace for some reason and you're surrounded by sort of, you know, people telling you what to do and where to sort of bow and everything, it'd kind of be all right. But yeah, just the two of you, like she's not going to be able to shake off the fact that she's been the queen for most of her life exactly that's it you know she almost certainly would insist on on all the royal etiquette still taking place which you know you know like it's just two of

us and i'd be like you know there's what what would you like for dinner she'd be like no no no it's your majesty and i'll be like okay what would you like for dinner your majesty we've got roasted coconuts or grilled coconuts you know i mean it'd just be it just it'd just be weird it'd just be kind of and you know instead of kind of like i know myself as well like i'm so like i'm not like a confrontational person so instead of like going doing the sensible thing it's becoming that i think we kind of need to really probably do away with the whole monarchy thing you know on the island because it doesn't really work like i would just i know i know for a fact that um i would just turn into this sort of like Baldrick-like figure where I'd just be like, I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I couldn't get the 1,400 parading soldiers,

200 horses and 400 musicians you asked for, but I did manage to find this family of Macau monkeys and have trained them to stand in a line while you inspect them. You know, as she kind of makes her way down the line of monkeys like as a mark of respect yeah yeah and what do you do yeah yeah and what do you do mr macao monkey you know because she's going by this point she's definitely going a little bit slightly kind of senile so she she's just seeing soldiers you know she's seeing these little monkeys with their coconut hats and stuff like that and all the monkeys would as a mark of respect you know the monkeys would be trained

obviously uh to start lobbing shit um their shit at her um you know kind of like a gun salute but less lethal and with more feces um i imagine it would be i just think it would um i just think the monarchy uh on a desert island the monarchy as a concept just wouldn't work on a desert island that's what that's what i think no it's funny because yeah like i'm sort of fairly indifferent about the monarchy like i don't really i wouldn't miss it if it was gone but i also don't really mind it too much until then you think about like the reason they exist is because you know hundreds of years ago people thought that they had a divine right to govern like this family were actually

chosen by god to be more special than everyone else and at that point you're like yeah this is stupid today it doesn't make any sense you know like i'm not saying like kick him out now but you know maybe let's stop paying for everything you know but i think if you've just if all you've ever known is that like it's like you know like maybe our grandparents generation they might not be like particularly kind of set on kind of custom and routine but they're definitely preferred to be called mrs or mr rather than just by their first name like little sort of things like that and they're just normal people you know yeah so it's yeah it's it's just kind of um i think even just from a practical perspective it's kind of like well for a start i don't know how on the desert island uh we're going to be able to afford the monarchy with there only being two of us on the island and the fact that the island's economy and monetary system consists entirely of coconuts.

I just, there's, there's absolutely no way we're going to be able to afford the, however kind of hundreds of millions, you know, it costs to keep Liz going. So, you know, as you say, as you said, she's, I think she's like 94 now and everyone's like oh my isn't it it's amazing like how kind of like healthy you know she is like what's what's her secret it's like uh i think living in a palace probably helps you know yeah i think i think having royal chefs cook all your meals is probably like a really great way of like living a very good,

healthy life. And there's going to be none of that on the dessert. I'll do my best. I'll do my best for queen and country, but I'm working with coconuts essentially. I mean, there's only coconut curry, coconut rice washed down with some coconut milk or coconut water.

And maybe just, maybe we might be able to rustle up some kind of coconut sorbet but she's not getting the the liver pate that she is accustomed to and the finger sandwiches and uh you know on the and the scones and the cakes there's not gonna be none of that so i anticipate that uh with all those uh royal comforts no longer present and as well as her advancing years, that she will likely go senile at some point. And then that in itself is just, you know,

it's going to be quite awkward, isn't it? Because she'll kind of start asking where her corgis are and I won't have the heart to tell her because I don't like confrontation that we ate them two months ago when we started running out of food it's just difficult conversations like that which i'm ill-equipped to handle and uh would dread uh being on a desert island with her essentially well i think i think all your your reasoning is sound and i absolutely agree with you well let's see who else is going to join you on the island and maybe that will kind of grease the wheels and make it a little bit easier but probably not but who's going to be joining you i mean it's almost certainly not

this this second edition if anything um raises the level of uh just terribleness even even more uh it's my dad right after that judgment i feel really bad um uh i have to say up top uh i mean he's not gonna listen he takes no interest at all in my career uh or life um that's why he's going on the island um up top i have say, I've got nothing against Douglas Senior. He, by all accounts, is a perfectly adequate man and parent. He did everything to an adequate level. I'm still alive. So he did his job, I guess, in that respect. And, you know, he made sure we didn't go without and all that kind of stuff.

So, you know, he wasn't a neglectful parent uh he's a good egg but he's quite possibly um the reason why i put him on the island um is that he's quite possibly even more awkward than i am which is a massive feat um and uh you know he's he's to a picture, he's a very academically intelligent guy. He went to NYU and then he did a PhD at Yale in computer programming and went to work for IBM. But he's got absolutely no social skills. So if you need your computer fixed, he's your man. But if you're a 12 year old who wanted a hug not so much um so so it's funny because it's true and it's very painful and uh so that that's why i'm that's why i've nominated my dad um to to join me on the desert island because i just think it would be so awkward.

Because neither of us are massive talkers, so I imagine our stay on the island would consist of long stretches of silence punctuated by the occasional wholly inept attempts by him at father-son bonding. Whereas normal conversation go- to he's like wouldn't work anymore normally he just kind of he starts a conversation with like okay so do you need money um and i'd be like well no dad we're on a desert island both literally and emotionally um so i just need your love if if that's if that's possible um and he would end

the conversation quite quickly as lots of dads do with well it sounds like you're doing well um and that would be i wouldn't hear from him for another six months despite the fact that we live on the same desert island um and it would be very uncomfortable and i suppose like yeah i think the thing is though even if you're sort of comfortable with your your existing relationship as it or you've come to terms with your relationship here in the real world in london you know then when you get to the desert island there's probably going to be a part of you going maybe this is the catalyst for change we need but like you're also just the same people it's like naive to think that anything's

suddenly going to change just because you're on a desert island exactly if if anything um being on a desert island is less conducive to having a healthy relationship uh with my father um because we're we're both going to be you know likely fatigued um stressed starved it's just not you know no one's going to want to kind of like you know chat about our feelings and and and how much we do indeed actually love each other you know that's not that's not the conversation that's going to take place on desert island um so i feel like it's it's not the right conditions if if it hasn't happened you know or in a normal setting it's definitely not going to happen when we're stranded on a desert island i mean because sometimes people say things like you

know when there's like a relationship that's maybe on the rocks a bit people like oh you know like maybe you should get away together like have some time some time off, you know, like, you know, make some time for each other. And it's like getting away with a partner puts a lot of stress on the relationship sometimes when it's a good relationship. You know, it's like having to survive, like, hand to mouth on a desert island after a plane crash. I mean, you can be getting on pretty fucking well with someone

who, you know, you're related to. And that's still going to really stretch it to breaking point. i mean you know plus you're looking after the queen as well yeah exactly and it's also like with certain people going away isn't like that's almost they use that as like um a diversionary tactic like almost in a way like so i've i've been on holiday with my dad um and uh like he took me to the easter island which i think is like the most remote kind of island off that like maybe off the coast or something because it's off the coast of chile and i think it's a very remote kind of island to get to with the big head statues and stuff like that and it was really kind of emblematic

of our relationship you know in terms of how remote he is is from me and he's taking me to this remote island where we just spent the whole time just looking at essentially the same stone head about 100 times over and not once talking about anything else. That was my dad's idea of kind of bonding. So I can't imagine that there's going to be any breakthroughs on a desert island with with with with this man that if i'm if i'm being completely honest i'll give you like to give you an example um i've started doing this thing because i have

realized that you know because for quite a period of time and stuff like that but we lived we lived kind of apart like in different in different countries so he kind of lived in america and i i lived over here um in the uk and stuff like that so there are there there's quite a significant period of time where you know physically we weren't like that close like geographically and all that kind of stuff so i've started trying to make a an effort a very small effort to like get to know him a bit more and stuff like that because he's getting on a little bit so i'll i'll send him like a uh a text every day i said i'm gonna i'm gonna like text him every day for like a year um and ask him a question almost like every day which is quite actually it's quite annoying to be honest quite fun it's a question but like so i thought i'd start easy so this this the second

question the second day i was just like um what's your like, what's what's your favorite film? You know, I thought this was quite an easy one. Right. And he said he said his favorite film is King Kong. And not not that not the 1933 cinematic classic, the 2005 Peter Jackson remake. My dad said it's his favourite film of all time. The film he enjoys watching more than any other film in the history of films is the 2005, 3 hours and 21 minutes, Peter Jackson remake of King Kong. He told me he's watched it five times already this year.

Wow. That is, Dan, five times more than I've spoken to my dad this year which means my dad has spent more time with peter jackson's king kong than his own son um it's not even the best peter jackson film oh wow and it's a long film as well it's a really long film and it made me kind of realize i'm not even sure i want to get to know this man any any better to be i was like i don't if this is his favorite film i just don't know if i i don't know if i want to know any more about him and i definitely want to be stuck on a stranded island

with him because you know it's just he's obviously got really bad taste in films. And I was wondering, is like, like, you know, do I have, is it genetic? Like, do I have crap taste in films because of him? Because I did really, I did really like The Last Jedi a lot more than most people seem to. And I wondered if that's because of him. I don't know. I just think, I don't know. To be fair, I give the star wars films quite a large sort of uh room for error no i mean i really enjoy them but because i enjoy them i'll let them get away with murder so a lot of people like slagging them off and picking apart

the plot details like it's a silly film you're just like look at the look at the pretty swords yes it's in space i haven't seen one of these for ages it's christmas it's great who cares i don't mind like cutting some slack it's always been a bit ropey the dialogue you know um but yeah i don't i just think this sounds like a perfect thing i mean i don't want to get too much into this sort of dynamic between the two of you but i just think it it just sounds like it's going to be quite awkward i don't think the queen's going to be great at small talk i mean obviously she's going to be good at trained small talk like it's going to be quite awkward. I don't think the Queen's going to be great at small talk. I mean, obviously, she's going to be good at trained small talk, where it's like she kind of goes, OK, and what do you do?

Do you enjoy it? How old are you? Got nothing else, you know? Yeah. Like, so I work with a lot of radio presenters, and they can be the same. They're so used to speaking to callers. You'll sort of speak to them in the corridor, and're like how you doing what did you get up to last night

great have a good weekend and it's like real like i'm not a listener come on like speak to me like a normal person i'm your like we've known each other for five i'm your work colleague yeah yeah and it's the same thing so i think between the two of them you're not going to be getting a whole lot of chat it's already sounding pretty horrific isn't it because we're like you know picture we're sitting around the campfire uh to my left is the queen um walking her corgis which at this point are just two coconuts tied to a piece of string uh and to my right is my dad talking for the like 1000th time about how king kong was misunderstood and I'm like it's a film about a 100 foot tall gorilla why can't you say I love you son and um so yeah so yeah it's already sounding like a fever dream um which I really want to wake up from oh I think this is amazing great okay well who's going to be the

third person joining the three of you on the island um so immediately kind of when I was you know briefed on what you know what this was and stuff i had to pick three people i thought of um something that happened in 2016 um and i think like 2016 like all around was quite a weird year right like it was like this year full of like unbridled optimism like balmer went to like made a historic visit to cuba uh like the the iran nuclear deal had been signed the year before and like in 2016 like u.s lifted sanctions so it felt like maybe we weren't going to blow each all each other up and stuff like that um but then there was like this like a lot of loss as well right like we lost bowie uh we lost prince david guest just a lot of

like really important people uh so fast forward to 20th of december um and i i kind of make this really uncharacteristic uh impulsive decision to spend christmas alone in in New Orleans um I think it was I was having some kind of crisis uh maybe brought on by my dad's uh lack of showing of love for me I don't know um that so I booked the flights um and an Airbnb and I fly out there on the on the 22nd of December um and I have an absolute I had an amazing time like it was just one of the best things I've ever done like you know did all the tourist things I went on a steamboat um down the Mississippi like I hung out in the French Quarter and like listened to like jazz um and the place I stayed was like like so lovely like um you know I just had my own like you know uh bedroom suite

it's private bathroom the host whose place it was um she was really lovely she was like an older lady who lived there as well and she um like took me out for lunch on my first day which was like well above and beyond kind of what you know you expect from an Airbnb host like one night um she uh took me to this place called the rock and bowl uh for like a zydeco night as like a date um which was a little bit weird i did i did feel a little bit like um julia roberts from pretty woman um but i had like a really great time anyway so the trip ended um i come back and as you do when you use like airbnb i was prompted to leave a review um so this is this is i just want to read this out because i think this kind of gets to the heart

of everything this is verbatim um this is so bad this is verbatim the review that i i left um so i said joe was a wonderful host especially for a solo traveler she went above and beyond to make my stay special including by making me coffee inviting me to dinner with her friends and taking me out for dessert her home is very beautiful just like in the photos and then after all that i go four stars I didn't even cross my mind how much of a douchebag that move that was what would have been five stars

it would have been five but it was instant not fresh it's just such a horrible thing I's such a horrible thing to like, you know, I just don't understand what I was thinking at the time to have not given her five stars. Because it was, you read the review and you're like, well, this is a five star review. And then at the end, I kind of like, I'm almost like gaslighting her with like four stars. And she'll never know why. Yeah.

Well, so I posted the review and then forgot all about it. And then a couple of days later, she messages me on Airbnb about the review. And this is the worst part of all. She wasn't even angry, which she had every right to be. She was just confused. She was just like, it's just like, well, like we, you know, because from her perspective, it's like, well, we've had a great few days together. We've got on like a house on fire.

You've left this glowing review. And then you've trashed me with the stars. Like a message was literally like is everything okay because it was so and that's literally when the penny dropped like oh my god i'm such a bellend like i'm like i'm an absolute douchebag like i don't know like i was giving out like four star reviews like i'm mark como'd like i don't like i didn't even cross my mind like to to like just not be like that wasn't that wasn't okay do you know what i mean so i mean so now for the so we're saying it's like this specific version of you at this time the the you that left the four stars yeah that part of

your psyche is the one joining you on the island there's only one person that deserves to be marooned on a desert island and that's 2016 me 100% I can't think of anyone worse I'd want to be stuck on a desert island with than 2016

me because clearly they're just so up their own I was just so up my own ass at that time um yeah and it just it'd just be a nightmare yeah i'd be critiquing everything i'd be like well this you know this shelter uh isn't waterproof three stars uh like you know it's sleeping under the stars really nice beautiful sandy beaches uh but just coconuts two stars you know i'd just be like you know those reviews you people leave about like the great wall of china

like it was just a really long wall one star yeah i'd be like that kind of person it's just like not not what you want on desert island is it it's funny though isn't it like with the stars though because it's like i almost don't know what leaving two and four stars are for like because like with this podcast you know we get some really good reviews and it'll be like a five star get the odd four star one where they might say oh i get a bit bored of this and you know okay fine but then like we've had ones where it's like a really like just an awful review but they've still left it two stars i'm like well i mean that's like a terrible review that you've given us like you know go yeah it's woke prick banging on about whatever

it's always people calling me woke is the trouble and um which is weird when you do a podcast just like slating people but um yeah and then i'm like well i don't want you to give us one star but i don't understand what i'm what i'm scoring points with you for doing, you know. So it definitely makes you wonder more, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. You get those reviews where it's like, you find them on Amazon and stuff, where it's like four stars, but then you read the review and they've like trashed it. Or it's like one star, but it's like a really glowing review.

And you're like, what is, I don't, is this i don't i don't understand like what's going on here but it's also like most of us like you're not a you're not a critic like you're not a you're not an act like what is it just give five stars just stop being a prick do you know what i mean like and now i just give five stars for every like everything i just don't because it's just like it's not what's the you know it's not that much of a big deal just it's not that hard to you just just being nice isn't it i think it's just being nice do you know i mean because the thing was there were there were actually consequences to me giving her four stars which i hadn't anticipated so she she'd met she'd said like because she was a super host on airbnb which i think is this like ridiculously kind of you know hard thing to obtain you have to do so much

and stuff like that and she said and it felt so bad she's like because you gave me four stars that had contributed me to losing my super host i don't know how true this is I don't know if one four star can do it but it's just like I've lost my and I was like oh my god at first I was like wow the power but then I was like oh my god it was like a Peter Parker Spider-Man it was like with great power comes great responsibility

and I'm clearly not responsible enough to handle the power of a star review so I was like I went to bits I was like i i was just i went to bits i was like i am so sorry because in my head i was like four stars that's a great review if i was like some kind of jay rayner crick like four stars from me you've got to be happy with that like why like what by the by i've never like it was such a nice house. It's not even like I live in a nice house.

I'm from Lewisham. It was probably the nicest house I've ever been to. And I'm still like, what would have given it the extra star? Like, if it had a lobby, like, if the house had a lobby, like, if it had gym facilities, it's a house, not a hotel. It was just a ridiculously arsehole thing of me to have done and it was a real um it was a real kind of game changer i'm not saying i'm not still an arsehole sometimes because i'm almost certainly am but not not in that respect i will i will be very generous with

stars now it was a learning moment yeah right it was a learning moment for me yeah i just love the idea like you're stuck on the island you've got your dad and the queen neither of whom you're getting on with that well and then it's you and you're like oh you know i get on with myself i've got the same sense of humor as myself you know i've got great stories with myself but then every night you'd go to sleep you're like oh that was a great chat i had with me but was it a five star one yeah like wake up in the morning but like did did he enjoy that as much as i did or the other you just sowing seeds of doubt constantly the thing is like i think um uh i think that the 2016 me and the queen would actually get on quite well on desert island because we both have just like really unrealistic expectations of

how the world works like the queen um believing god chose her and that she is not bound by earthly doctrine uh and um 2016 me at that time i i was just starting comedy so i was an open mic comedian of little distinction um believing my comedy is like avant-garde and that's not bound by the need for love so there's a lot of uh there's a lot of like kind of synergy um that we're different and yet remarkably similar in our delusions um uh 2016 me and the queen and stuff like that so i think um i think we'd probably get on quite well on the island and it should make it unbearable for present day me it'd just be like a nightmare having to contend with two very delusional and likely very unfunny people um which 2016 me was

by the way uh very unfunny open mic comedian uh doing stuff i had this bit i used to do with um where i'd go on stage and kind of um like like act like as a character like an american rapper uh uh but then i would do stuff like with like hip hop giraffes with like my hands. Anyway, the bit lasted like three minutes. Um, and, uh, if you weren't on board, you would,

it was tough. It was a three minute bit essentially. Um, and, uh, I thought it was, you know, it was very bold,

risky comedy, but, um, it was just bad. Um, so, so that person would be on the island um which is a nightmare fair enough well i think your uh your reasoning and your your choices are very sound i

think it's all lining up to be a horrific place to stay so uh let's let's change it up from people a bit you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Because mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so um food is uh choice is probably a bit of a weird one it's very specific but it's it pertains to um a tub of butter uh that i once uh

encountered in in my fridge um which smelt faintly of onion just just ever so faintly it's just i just have a whiff almost imperceptible whiff of onion uh and not cooked onion which i might have been on board with i actually like cooked onions but raw onion uh it was just there you know you you open the the the tub and you just got the ever so faintest whip and then it but you weren't sure it was so kind of subtle that you're like okay well i don't maybe i'm just something's going on here so i took a bit and uh it didn't hit you on the tongue straight away um which in many ways was worse on your toes because at first everything seemed fine and then just as you're enjoying that lovely buttery taste wham you just got this bit of raw onion coming through on your palate um and it was it

was awful it was it was a it was as a violating experience um because i hadn't consented to to onion butter uh it looked just like butter um which is what i which is what i had uh got on board for uh and in fact and what what had come to be what we found out later is that someone had used some of it for for cooking and had carelessly lodged a bit of a bit of raw onion within the butter it was actually somehow it was kind of in the actual butter itself so it didn't come to light until it was excavated several days later so it was several days where this bit of raw onion was just permeating through the butter um i can't i don't know if people at home if we're listening it's going this isn't a big deal but i can't stress enough how unpleasant an ordeal it really was that onion butter um so that would be yeah just horrific on the island it's like yeah i've had

similar things where like i think yeah the last couple of days i could cut up some apple for my son and i realized like i'd sort of just picked up a knife i was tired and just picked up a knife off the side and did it and it was like oh i did actually use this knife to cook dinner with and it's like this apple is a bit savory tasting it's the same sort of thing because he's four he doesn't really care that much but i was like is this okay this is a bit weird oh he seems to be quiet this is all right but yeah it's that sort of yeah some things like that's such a dad that's such a dad approach like ah he's he's not dead is he's or he'll be all right he'll be okay yeah i'll serve him some onion apple he's he'll be all right this makes me sound awful but i know like as you get older

you know like you get more fussy about stuff like so we both me and my son both love apples but obviously i'm more fussy like if i know that there's some apples that i've just bought and are beautifully crisp and there's some that have been there a couple of days like he's just going to eat them all sliced up you know probably whilst he's in the bath or something he's not really caring so sometimes i'm like actually i'm going to give him the i'm going to keep the crisp one so i can have a really nice big bite you know and i know that is also awful like really i should be saving him like the crispest choicest love you know i should be like eating the flowery ones myself but you know what you're saying is you've you've you've got a son you you participate in the act of procreation

to have a human uh waste disposal bin at your disposal as and when you want it essentially yeah well i mean you know but it works both ways because the amount of like his leftovers that i have to eat you know that's all been mashed up and played with and cold you know so like you know it's it works both ways you know so it balances out yeah exactly and i mean talking to waste disposal my other son you know he's a baby so he's just sick on me all the time so you know i mean i made it to three through three t-shirts by 11 in the morning yesterday so i mean you know we're all victims in this scenario in different ways you know it's like a real cycle of abuse.

There are no winners in my house. That's not how I run my brood. You're really selling parenthood to me. My girlfriend's given us a deadline of three years. She's a planner, my girl. She really likes to plan out a relationship. We're going to have a baby in three years. From everything you've said, I'm really looking forward to that well i mean i know i'm going on

a tangent here but i've had this uh before where people have kind of gone at work you know there's three of three people that i sat with we're all dads and we're all sort of complaining and the other person who wasn't a dad was like you put me off having kids completely because all i hear is the bad shit and i was like well i could sit here and tell you all the good stuff and show you pictures of my delightful children on my phone all the time. But then I would be fucking unbearable. But what I do need to do is occasionally just open the steam valve a little bit and just like, you know, just the pressure valve,

just let off a bit of steam about like how difficult my night was. And then I can go about my daily, you know, I already know. You can just function as a normal person. daily you know i already know you can just function as a normal person yeah because i already know my children are beautiful and i love them beyond compare but you know i don't i don't love them more by telling people that but i do hate them less by by getting off the bad stuff off my chest you know so it's sort of i think that's why you hear parents being so miserable all the time but anyway my kids aside onion butter i get it you're on the island you think okay at least we got them but and and i'm i'm imagining it you

know they're going to be in like little single service kind of plain food butter sachets so every time you think maybe this one will be okay and then just you get that you get that hit of onion just coming in yeah i mean it's bad enough that that's the only food you've got is butter i mean calorifically is probably quite good you know it's just like you just gives you calories but on an island having butter that tastes of onions i think that's absolutely horrific so i think it's a good choice i think there's just there's a there's a time and a place for onions right like you know onions perfectly valid food food choice in in certain circumstances um you know on you might have fried onions on a hot dog great but in butter on its own no and on a desert island definitely not what you want. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I think onions as well. There's something that, like, you put them in almost every bit of cooking you do. You know, like, so many dishes start with an onion, and yet on their own are, like, almost inedible. It's such a weird thing. They're kind of all or nothing at once.

But I think it's a very good choice. And what are you going to try and wash your onion butter down with? So this one is a little bit left field because it's not a drink per se um but it's something that you do drink um so i put down um like noodle juice noodle juice you know like kind of like like ramen like the broth in a ramen and stuff like that like it's got like i and it's not uh because i don't like the taste it's because i don't like what it does to me you know i mean like i've not figured out how to um how to consume the ramen broth uh and maintain any sort of dignity like it's like it's like crack to me you know that kind of umami oh yeah savory um kind of meaty richness like it's just like crack i'm just like slurping it

all down and it doesn't even have to be like a nice ramen broth it could be just a packet of noodles with the with the kind of juice you get in that you know like a cheap packet of noodles i'll just be like absolutely slurping the bowl and um I just feel like on a desert island obviously you need kind of hydration and this kind of um salty beverage it's going to make you more thirsty than before you'd actually had it I mean which is not what you want well so yeah I'm absolutely on board with this because when you said it I was like like noodles are one of my favorite foods like i i just had noodles for lunch before we started talking and i was thinking i love that like bowl to the mouth like drink it all down and you've had a good bowl of noodle soup i love it but yeah it always puts me

in this position where i'm so full it feels like i'm full up to my neck and i'm also so thirsty that i just without thinking down a pint of water and i'm just like oh my god i'm so uncomfortable and you know i'm 39 in a couple of months and i haven't learned my lesson yet and i don't think i ever will because it's like oh i'm so full of liquid oh god i'm so thirsty fuck why do i always do this to myself and and that on a desert island is just oh man so uncomfortable i just i just imagine it being like some kind of like you know like dante's inferno kind of never-ending purgatory situation where you're presented with like a bowl of like ramen noodles with broth and you're like this is amazing you

drink it and then you're like this is amazing you drink it and then you're like so salty that you need something to drink and then there's another ramen noodles with broth so you drink that and it leaves you more kind of parched and you so you're just endlessly consuming broth juice um to try and quench your thirst that will never be quenched in a never ending cycle of umami hell and yeah and because it is so sort of like moorish and umami like even when you know that you you should leave the rest of it it could like five minutes later it's like oh yeah i'll just have a bit more it really calls you back i think this is mad i think i remember me and my friend at uni really like putting lots of soy sauce on

things and i think one night when we were drunk he was like have you ever just tried like drinking like not a shot but like a cap full of it just to see what it's like and it is horrendous 30 seconds later your body wants it again like and you're because it's just like it's too much it's disgusting but then you're like it's just like that in marmy you're kind of going oh but i kind of i need that back again like, it's just like that umami. You're kind of going, oh, but I kind of, I need that back again. You know, it's like that weird, rich saltiness. Yeah, yeah. So even when you're like this time.

I need to feel that again. Yeah, even when you're like. I need to feel alive. Exactly. Right, this time I'm not going to make that mistake of pouring out all the broth. I just need to feel something. My dad doesn't love me. I've just got umami.

Yeah, I think that's a good choice yeah you've really won me around on that i thought i could definitely drink this forever but no there's this absolutely makes sense yeah fair choice okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why i'd expect nothing less from this experience so far that would be those two things um in terms of uh the film i i would dread um having to watch over and over again on the island it would be La La Land and it's not really because of the film itself

it's more because of what the film says about me and what I'd have to confront whilst watching it repeatedly on the island I actually quite, I actually enjoy the film cards on the table, I'll be completely I actually enjoy the film. Cards on the table. I'll be completely honest. I love the film.

It's the weirdest thing because I know objectively it's not like the best film ever. I think Emma Stone is amazing in it. Ryan Gosling is Ryan Gosling. He just does Ryan Gosling in every film. 100% can't sing it's basically drive with musical numbers from his perspective

but the problem it's not the film it's me because La La Land is a musical about musicals isn't it? It kind of pays homage to those old school musicals but I hate musicals because i just i

i've not liked any any musicals i've ever been to or any i've ever seen um i find it's like too much of a kind of suspension of like disbelief you know i mean i've lived in lewisham almost all my life um and not once on lewisham high street as a group of stangers started clicking their fingers kind of in unison and then burst into an elaborate like song and dance number about how great lewisham market is you know what i mean like it's just it just doesn't happen but i love la la land like absolutely love it like my like my girlfriend is it's one of the few times where she looks looked at me with disgust um at how much how like like just like so sexually turned off at how much i was enjoying la la land more than her one of those times where she claims to be all for like modern kind of you know gender

roles but really she was like i can't believe you're enjoying this way more than me like this is not great um so the fact that i love la la land but hate musicals or thought i did it's i think on the island it would make me question everything i've ever thought and felt like did i really hate that time when an ex-girlfriend forced me to go see les mis with her and her parents because at the time i thought it was excruciating like at the time i felt like some it was like some kind of enhanced interrogation technique you know i mean i would have confessed to absolutely anything uh just to make them stop singing the word dream over and over again um but now i'm thinking maybe the musical wasn't the problem uh maybe it was just

my distinct lack of emotional maturity um and relationship phobia so so i think lala land um i think it'd just be it would be a horrible experience for me on the island yeah i'd say i i haven't seen it because i sort of maybe i would like it too because i don't really like musicals that much and my wife was actually watching it the other day and i sort of maybe i would like it too because i don't really like musicals that much and my wife was actually watching it the other day and i don't know i think i probably am just really biased against it because you know i have no problem about like ryan gosling and emma stone you know i think they're both fine i'm not that keen on music but it's not like a musical all the way through i don't know it's not sort of like i don't know it seems to have more of a plot from

what i can pick up than some yeah it's got i mean it's quite a by numbers story kind of you know girl meets boy boy meets girl um you know it's quite it's quite formulaic but there's just it does it it really nails the formula if that makes sense you know i mean like it does everything in the formula i i think to a very like high standard um and just yeah i think it's just a like really well executed but it's the guy who i'm never going to pronounce his last name right but the director damien chazelle i can't remember quite what his name is but he did um whiplash did you ever see that one with the drums yeah yeah which was just an amazing incredible film so it's not like you know they know what they're doing everyone who made the film knows what they're

doing and stuff um it's just the fact that it really made me start to not trust every like just it was like i had like an existential crisis i can't explain it so i'm just like i hate musicals why do i love la la land it just didn't make any sense whatsoever because it's a musical about musicals like i don't like musicals and then i was like i can't trust anything i've ever thought and felt like ever like do you know what i mean i just it's just like so it's a really disorientating kind of feeling um and an example of how i overthink everything way too much um and then also just thinking about it i guess this could be a real bone of contention between you and the 2016 version

of you because i think it's la la land more recent than that because maybe the old you is looking down on you just going what you shouldn't be liking this film you know but actually you do and then you've got to get into let me just look it up like oh 2016 so it was it oh yeah so it might just i guess it depends when it came out i mean there might be overlap you might have just got there by a couple of months so you might have that in common but just again a potential a potential cause for concern maybe you saw it on a you know an american release when you were in new orleans yeah you know maybe i saw it on the plane on the plane back or something or maybe you didn't quite catch it so but there's all kinds of problems there you know

and then maybe you're sort of walking around humming the song and the queen's like well if you like that maybe you'd like these old tunes for my era you can't tell her no because she's the queen you're gonna upset her saying oh no i'm not interested liz you know your dad doesn't seem from what you've said like the kind of guy who's going to be on board with it no i mean i think it i hate that word but i feel like it would be quite problematic um to express uh a kind of um uh like for musicals in front of the queen because she obviously likes musicals but like she wouldn't be liking like the modern kind like la la land she'd be liking more like the 1950s ones which you know were slightly kind of like a bit dodgy you know it'd be like a desert island like a musical on a desert a tropical island and

like the the native characters would be a little bit like caricatured and you know she'd want us to like act out a musical and i'd have to play like all the native parts it'd just be like a little bit like oh i don't really feel comfortable about this i'm not sure i'm not sure i really want to put on an accent like do i have to do the accent yes one does need to do the accent i'm like oh god um but a job's a job uh um so yeah it it'd give me like kind of um massive self-tape vibes you know like oh god when you read the script and you're like oh no okay and what what would you listen to then when you're not listening to the the soundtrack from la la land right so um i've i've chosen uh seven days by craig david of course yes uh i i'm and i have to say this i'm a big craig david fan and i i have been from day one a lot of people turn their back on Craig

and then they came back you know recently and they're like oh Craig's you know he's like cool again but I was always team Craig do you know what I mean from the start but I just feel with this a song like seven it's not thing with seven days is it's not really a song

it's a story do you know what I mean and it's got no kind of um repeat play value like once you've heard it once okay yeah cool we get it you met a girl on monday you took her for a drink on tuesday by wednesday by all accounts you're having a great time uh and then you chilled thursday friday saturday and sunday i don't need to hear it again like i don't want to you know that that's done it's done there's a story technically it's good it's got a beginning monday got a middle wednesday got an ending sunday uh maybe it could do with a bit more character development we don't know much about the woman's motivations in this story you know what was it

about craig that she was attracted to um you know was she on the rebound is that why she hung out with him thursday friday saturday and sunday like did she see something in craig's chat because at one point he calls her a cinnamon queen which a little bit cringe yeah um you know so we don't know much about her but um as a song it's not one that i'm going to want to hear every day on the island do you know i mean mainly because i can't do any of those things on desert island yeah it's weird isn't it i think it's sort of song that like i remember it being in the charts and being everywhere for a while and like but where do you listen to it i suppose just sort

of like a listen at home kind of number because it's not like something you'd play out and dance to that much. But what I found weird when I was thinking about this song is at the beginning, he seems to be... Because normally you'd sort of go, oh, you're seeing that girl, what happened there? And you go, oh yeah, I met her last week, went for a drink. You wouldn't detail it, like you said. know it's like you wouldn't sort of break it

down into such specifics but i think he's quite obsessed with time because at the beginning it says where was it uh um on my way to see it must have been about quarter past three must have been about quarter past three i didn't really ask what time it was but all right fair play yeah details then she asked me for the time i said it would cost her name a six digit number and a date with me tomorrow at nine so already like you know it's like he's obsessed he's like i know it because it was about quarter past three um and then she wanted to know the time and then so now it's maybe that's what they they you know that was their bond he's like that's so funny because i just looked at my watch and noticed it was a quarter past three so i'm happy to tell you obviously there are some conditions you know

uh i'd like to take you out but hopefully that'll be a pleasurable experience for both of us so so that's i like to think that anyone who asks craig david for the time he just wants to take him out like if you ask if you ask craig oh sorry mate have you just got the time look i do but it costs you a drink a drink with me tonight and you're like okay all right that's a little bit weird but that's just his thing he's just he's like he's just turned on by like time and chronology yeah so if anyone shows an interest in any of that he's like you're for you're for me. I want to go for a drink with you. Yeah, exactly. And he does specify the time.

He says tomorrow at nine as well. So that's good. There's quite weird lyrics in this when I sort of delve deeper. There's like, again, he says it again. Nine was the time because I'll be getting mine. And she was looking fine. Smooth talkerer she told me she'd love to unfold me all night long i loved the way she kicked it from the front to the back

she flipped it so i'm just like unfold you all night long and then front to back i'm just like imagining her just like flipping him around the bedroom and just kind of like i don't know just like what's gonna unfold you is like what what are we talking laundry here or what's going on exactly like what why we started talking about clothes yeah it's very strange but i think what's happened here is that he's used one of those like rhyming dictionaries and he's like okay i need something to rhyme with da-da-da. Unfold. Right, yeah, that works. I can use that. Yeah, I think, I don't know, it's one of those songs that I think, because it's so easy to remember,

I remember it had a lot of instant parodies at the time when it was released. It would have been like late 90s or early noughties. And, you know, because it's quite easy to make a parody of like, oh, what was he doing on this day? Oh, he just chilled on Sunday. Also, I kind kind of think so you've just met someone you're in the throes of passion it's quite weird to not have sex on that extra day like just to relax on sunday unless he's like i mean you know just really fervently religious and it's sort of like a you know like a well no that's church day i'm not i'm not going to be bumping uglies on a church day

i mean that's just ridiculous because it just seems like well you know you met her you've got got together fair enough sex sex sex sex sex not on sunday and then it was it was sex on one day and then not on thursday friday saturday so it was four it was one day of sex four days of chilling which like so he needed four days of rest after that one day of of lovemaking which if it was all day maybe but we don't know how long the session was what level of effort or activity he put into said performance so when we's hard for us to, as a listener, judge just how warranted four days of chillaxing was on the back of one day of lovemaking.

If anything, he's left out quite a few key details that are a crucial part of the story. Maybe he could clarify with a follow-up yeah very specific about certain points like time and then not so much about others at all but oddly not specific about his lovemaking prowess or skills not not willing to go into details on whether you know he gyrates or yeah thrust although i've always i've always wondered if like the amount of bragging that r&b and stars and rappers do about their lovemaking prowess i always wondered if it puts an undue amount of pressure on them yeah you know like so maybe that's his angle because he's like

okay look i'm comfortable in bed with women but if like you know like some songs are pretty raunchy and they're just you know like i'm gonna sort of do this to you you know you're gonna be climaxing all night long because you know i'm gonna do this and that and then when it comes down to it the groupies are going to expect quite a lot and i just wonder maybe he's playing a safer game of just hanging back keeping some in reserve and then they're pleasantly surprised rather than like oh i mean that was that was like thorough sex i mean like eight out of ten but am i kind of expecting more from from reading your lyrics um so maybe it's a canny move i don't know i mean like eight out of ten but am i kind of expecting more from from reading your lyrics um so maybe it's a canny move i don't know i mean he's like hey look i i did warn you i did

say i need four days rest afterwards so that was part of the it was in the song i did include that as part of the deal that i need four days of doing nothing after any kind of love making i didn't specify how much or how long could be a minute it could be an hour only four days so that was the deal i didn't know it was for the cleanup though craig i didn't know you were into that kind of thing um but yeah i think it's a song that is just you know it's catchy it sticks in your head and you're going to be on the island you it's the sort of song you just end up adapting to yourself like you know got some coconuts on monday you know put them on the fire on tuesday you know talking to the queen on wednesday it's just you

couldn't help it and it would just it would just infect your your island it would just be everywhere for for a while so yeah i think it's a fair choice okay now uh finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why there was there was only one one choice um for this uh i've mentioned this animal quite a few times in various um things but it would have to be uh my girlfriend's cat sam okay um uh because he's just a terrible animal what's it what's an awful an awful animal we don't get on what are his main uh awful traits um that he has um what what my girlfriend was told by the shelter, the rescue shelter, as psychological diarrhea, which basically amounts to that there's nothing physically wrong with him.

He just shits everywhere. Oh, man. Essentially. Yeah. So that's not, you know, it's not ideal. And, you know, do I want that on a desert island? Do you know what I mean? Just cat shit everywhere.

Because he's not going to know, is it? He's not going to be able to distinguish between a litter box and just sand everywhere. He's going to think the whole island is litter box. Yeah, he's going to be having a whale of a time. So he's just going to be shitting everywhere. Yeah, yeah. It's not ideal. I mean mean i have a similar thing my cat is incredibly furry and sheds a lot like

an insane even in winter he's always just like shedding hair all the time so he gets hairballs and like there's time when like you hear him do that cat sick noise when they're getting ready for it and their whole body is like working like bellows to try and get it out and there's only like a tiny amount of time where you can like the worst is if you hear it when you're in bed and you're like i am asleep but i know that i'm either gonna have to like get up now and try and like catch him before he does it or i'm gonna have to tread in it in the night when i've forgotten about it but uh i sort of feel bad about it because, you know, obviously it's probably unpleasant for him to do. But when I do like last night, I heard him doing it and I managed to catch him and just throw him out the front door before any got in the house. And it was such a moment of like just feeling a bit guilty, but also so pleased with myself that I was like, yes.

I mean, you know, poor Herculescules he's outside probably feeling awful like well they just hurled me out the front door but at the same time i was like yeah yeah like it's one less bodily fluid i have to clean up in my house today you know um so yeah but i mean if i mean in in the sort of pecking order of cat cat um deposits i think poo trumps sick definitely i mean 100 um well there's also just a bit of you know there's a bit of history between us between me and sam um we haven't had the easiest of relationships um there's quite a bit of animosity mainly on his side which sounds sounds, I know how that sounds. It sounds very weird to accuse a cat of starting beef, but he really did just start on me.

You know what I mean? He was never happy with our relationship. I think he clearly felt like kind of threatened by my relationship with my girlfriend. He probably didn't think i'd last very long which is you know was a fair fair assumption um he thought i would i wouldn't be sticking around i have um fuck you sam and uh uh so so yeah he just he started doing the thing where like if i walked into a room he would walk out and was like so

passive aggressive it's just like yeah fuck fuck this guy he'd just walk out the just walk out the room he's like did you see that she's like oh no he's just like he definitely walked out when i walked in no no other reason um for it so i think on the island there'd just be this kind of like tension yeah between us you know i mean because obviously, we know each other, you know, we both kind of have a relationship with my girlfriend, with the same person, obviously mine sexual, his platonic, I believe. I don't think anything's going on there in that way. But I just, yeah, I just think like it'd just be a bit like you know we

wouldn't we wouldn't really get on but there'd be like an atmosphere on the island between us basically yeah yeah definitely and um yeah and i think yeah probably though that being the only memory of i mean the only you know it's like a physical reminder of your relationship that you know obviously your girlfriend's not there with you although you're gonna hate this animal and it's pissed you off for a long time it's also like a souvenir of your life together so you are going to feel quite responsible for it i think even though it hates you and has no problem with showing you that all the time yeah exactly do you know i mean i just think um as also as a like it's not an animal that is going to really serve much use on on the desert island like there's nothing like what is what's what's

what's the cat gonna do there's no mice absolutely no there's no you're not gonna kind of there's no pests it's not gonna be able to do anything you know for for the uh survival of of us on the island so just another mouth to feed um yeah i just think it's not really bringing much to the table apart from um a lot of feces essentially which is a health hazard if anything do you know what i mean well i think you know i think it's a a great uh finale to what has been a very strong selection of people and things. So, you know, I applaud you for your efforts in coming up with this list today. So thank you very much for that. And it's just been a pleasure working these out with you.

So thank you again. Thank you very much. Now, obviously, you know, we're in a position now where things are starting to kind of open up a little bit now and uh you know maybe able to make some future plans is there anything in the pipeline we should know about or where's the best place to sort of keep up to date with what you're up to um so i'm uh i make kind of like silly little videos and stuff like that kind of obviously during this time and stuff you know a lot of you know for large parts of it everything's kind of been shut down and obviously as a comedian that means you know with everything else you know there's not been opportunity to kind of do what you know my first kind of love is which is stand up this kind

of thing that I've you know I really love and um and enjoy doing and stuff so just started making kind of silly videos um mainly in my bedroom with the green screen and stuff like that so you can um check those out if you've got a bit of time i've got my own uh sketch show uh imaginatively imaginatively titled the tucson douglas show uh on on youtube if you just type in tucson douglas um you should be able to find those um i'm on instagram uh tucson underscore gram uh and if you if you fancy any hot takes on on the on the hot topics of the day um i can be found uh tweeting absolute nonsense um on twitter as well um under tucson underscore x um so yeah nice one all right great well thank you very much for joining us again on desert island dicks today mate thank you very much for having me dan it's been an absolute pleasure really enjoyed it