Desert Island Dicks - VICTOR EBUWA

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

Big Brother 5 contestant and host of 'The Rival Show' Podcast, Victor Ebuwa joins me to share his Desert Island Dicks. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is host of The Rival Show, but you might know him from Big Brother 5 or Ultimate Big Brother, Victor Ebuah. That's me. That would be myself. Hello. Thank you very much for joining me, Vic. Thanks for coming in, man. You were just saying to me, Ultimate Big Brother, wasn't all that? You know it's not going to be good when

someone starts with a deep breath yeah well what the concept was what was needed yeah basically the whole thing was that Big Brother was coming to an end on Channel 4 the end of the circle

so they thought why don't we get some of a collection of the best housemates who have been in throughout the prior seasons or shows, series. That's a compliment, right? Yeah, well, in some sort of way, I guess, yeah. But I've had better compliments. So there's been hundreds by now of these mutants that have gone into the house. Yeah.

Now, initially, you know, there's Big Brother, which is normal, you or I will go in there. And then they've got Celebrity Big Brother. Celebrity Big Brother. Big Brother is in the summer. Celebibies tends to be just after Christmas or New Year's. Right, right, right. And they put some celebrities who once were doing well

and now just put us out of our misery right right they shove them in the house right right so what they what they thought they would do is they'd make a mash up of all of that

right the problem the first thing they did wrong was they did it at the back end of the longest ever Big Brother so my one was 10 weeks

right right this one was 16 weeks for four months and you know you know Big Brother so my one was 10 weeks this one was 16 weeks four months and you know Big Brother starts getting pants after about week four so we've still got

three months of this shit oh man it's a long time fuck my life it's not a week is it you know what I mean yeah rather than them

thinking right let people breathe for God's sake yeah yeah yeah for God's sake take yeah yeah for God's sake take a blood pressure yeah yeah let's give it a

month's break or whatever let's all refresh and see our families kiss our babies yeah you know mum's out of a coma now

let's go see her yeah nope let's all just do it all right at the end of the 16 weeks right whichever poor

survivor right who's ever we open the door and whatever carcass crawls out of that door oh my god gets a two minute chat with Davina McCool

and then put in a catapult and flung back over the wall get fucking back in there you do it out here get back in oh my god

stun batons at the ready no but not just that let's put 15 other tossers right right with ridiculously over the top egos right oh man based on the nonsense adulation they received from sycophants and social misfits around about the time when they were in the house oh my god man they still think

they're fucking somebody so let's put this poor poor chick in there with him for another three weeks fucking hell man you know i mean call the samaritans if she makes it out the other end oh my god she needs to talk to someone right now forget that right so she's got cabin fever yeah she's in there with brian dowling yeah yeah yeah he's a funny guy but at the best of times you need to take five minutes off him every hour because it's all showbiz yeah right right it's all that 24 7 even even at all you're on he's interviewing you like it's not a convo he's interviewing you as if he's like he's lorraine kelly right he's not eamon holmes yeah yeah yeah yeah he wants to really know shit about you. Yeah, yeah, right. It's not funny. Right, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

One of us is going to cry at the end of this chat. Why? Oh, my God. Coolio from Gangster's Paradise. But not Gangster's Paradise Coolio. Like... Wait 20 years past midlife crisis. Got extensions in my hair to still resemble the plaits I had

in Gang of Paradise motherfucker Julio Nadia the transsexual winner from my

series who used to be called Jorge had a transsexual had a sex change

one big brother spunked all her money back living in the council flat. And is there for the money that's been offered. But still wants to be treated as a...

I'm talking about those stories. Right, okay. I heard stories from people before they went in. Right. Saying Nadia was having meltdowns backstage. Oh, man. You know, that proper Whitney Houston shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Nadia won Big Brother 5. So the ego was weapons grade. Oh man, I remember that Big Brother so well. Mate. You were there, right there, man. Do you know who you see in front of you right now? Yeah. You've seen the film Predator, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. You know Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end when he's in the helicopter? Yeah. And he's after the explosion, right? And he's got all the fucking dust and blood. And everyone wants to say something to him, but they know the first person who opens their mouth is getting eye gouged. Whoever speaks is becoming Nick Fury in the Marvel fucking cinematic universe.

Leave me alone. Oh, my God. That's me. That's me after Big Brother. Or Jon Snow right now in Game of Thrones. Okay, yeah. I started off like, yeah, you know, got killed. Yeah.

Fought another... I've done been it all. And now I'm shagging my auntie, who I don't know is my auntie. That's where you're at. What, mate? That's where you're at now. What the fuck are you gonna tell me about life that was mate and that's just people walking through the door press them from the

ordinary boys it was with chantelle yeah yeah michelle bass who are they best were they both in there but both at the same time she pretended to not know but they did but she did but no but were you both post the divorce post divorce doing ultimate ultimate haven't seen each other in years pretending like they didn't know but they knew well he didn't know

she did oh man and it was this whole kind of contrived love story but this is business I understand it's business yeah yeah

this is how this is how this is how you make money so big up Chantal you must be part Nigerian because you are ruthless yeah

you know what I mean let's get. Yeah. You know what I mean? Let's get with Alex Reid. You know what I mean? Boom, let's have a kid and then boom, that's more money. Oh my God. Cash machine. Honestly.

These people, there's people who understand how this industry in the country works. And I take my hat off. Yeah. I take my hat off. Hey, if I could do it.

Yeah. If I could do it, I'd marry Alex Reid if you told me I was gonna well okay I wouldn't fucking ruin me wouldn't you yeah

right I don't want that smoke yeah okay cool so honestly man you went in then

nasty Nick yeah nasty Nick yeah he's got to have been like nasty Nick that's got to be one of the most remembered names because that was the first one, wasn't it? The first one.

Yeah, yeah. They put a sociopath in you. I'm saying it, Bateman. Handle your shit, brother. You've heard it. You know what I mean? Because you'll hear this. But I tell you, it's like Craig won it, right?

That first one. Yeah. But Nasty Nick will always be the most remembered. Isn't it right? Yeah. He was living the life. He told me stories of he came out Ferrari. Because this was back in the day.

Yeah. First one. It was new. Yeah, first one. You walk through Leicester Square, they had a big, giant TV, 24 hours on Big Brother. Whoa. You got to see Darren tugging one out in the shower. Yes, yeah.

Yeah, and everyone was glued to it for that. When's he going gonna blow his own when's he someone in some some bookie in India was taking bets on it yeah that's how big it was

yeah so yeah and when you look at what he got notorious for right nothing yeah of course oh yeah

vote for this I'm talking about if he had come out of them somebody would have bricked him that kind of like just because he was writing someone's name

it's crazy to think it went from that but he was the one who said it who made the whole thing explode people were gripped to whatever he was

getting up to oh he's sneaky he's going to premierise with Brad Pitt afterwards that's crazy stuff like Ferrari just giving him a Ferrari

no way it's like the thing is right at that point people had never seen it in that way right there wasn't anything

like that before no it just started off as a one it was a social experiment in Holland because you know

these guys smoke hella weed out there you know what I mean so they've got different fucking concepts coming out of the arms yeah

they probably invented Gogglebox yeah let's all sit at home watch some people watch TV yeah this is a show people

there's a show in this you know what I mean it was some Dutch motherfucker I'm telling you right these guys yeah put people in a dome and let's watch them interact

blah blah blah and one of those Dutch people saw it and thought, why don't we just do this with normal people? Yeah. And it just went worldwide. That's it. So.

Oh, man. Oh, mate, that's crazy. It was. What an insight, though. It was a lot. But, like, okay, now we're on the subject. We got there early, right? Yeah, we did.

But you've got to think back to, like, when you first applied, right? What was the, like, the application? Because, obviously, when you first applied, right? What was the like the application? Because obviously when you applied, you'd seen it before and you were like, I'm going to go in for this. Yeah. It was a different perception, right? You were like, that looks like fun or... No, that's 100% exactly not what happened.

That's probably what happened with most normal humans, right? Yeah. But I'm a lion, mate. We roamed the jungle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not a human. Yeah. Now I've given myself that big build right? Yeah. But I'm a lion, mate. We roam the jungle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not a human. Yeah. Now, I've given myself

that big build-up. Yeah. The real reason is the stupidest shit you'll ever hear. Right? So I've got a friend, I had a friend,

that was at university. Yeah. I had a friend who kept auditioning for this stupid Big Brother show that I keep frigging seeing everywhere.

Yeah, yeah. The reason I see it is because at university I was a bit of a popular guy and I somehow would find my way in the rooms with other ladies

let's say that I was having a lot of sex with other ladies at university and this show was on in the background while I was trying to romance them

and confuse them and attract them to me right cool that's why I knew what the show was one of my friends kept auditioning for it

right and didn't make it onto the show right we of my friends kept auditioning for it right and didn't make it onto the show right we was at university together one of them situations where you've got

a load of friends around and it's all load of banter yeah yeah yeah and I was giving it to him mercilessly how can you not get on the show you know what I mean and he

everyone was laughing he went you couldn't get on it oh yeah he stuck it on me. But in front of everybody. The whole room was like Western.

The whole room went quiet. What's he going to do? Yes, I could. Five pounds says you couldn't. Five quid bet. Yeah. With my good friend Obadiah fucking Matthew. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm putting your name out there. And that was it. I had to go and audition because he put it on me for five quid and then you just you went you were real I guess

and then they were like right you're in you said how it is the audition process lasted a number of months right it was it was crazy

it's quite a long time I found out I was going in about a month before I went in and let's say I started auditioning in January so in those days

it started in may yeah yeah that's a good few months good few months and like and what helped was because i wasn't i wasn't about this life i wasn't it wasn't about tv or reality show any of that i didn't really want to be seen i was yeah doing what i was doing in other years the application process was you fill out a big application form and you film yourself and send the video in right yeah yeah right i'm not doing that shit i don't have time for that i've got to get on with the rest of my life yeah right this year because the year before mine was so bad yeah lost endorsements yeah it was they were looking channel four looking to cut it off if this was another so it had to be a good it had to be a good year. So they just thought, right,

let's go and raid Arkham Asylum in Gotham City and see if we can get the Joker and a few of his mates and put them in there. Let's give the people, you think you want to see some shit? Here you go.

Right? Hold my drink. You know, I've got this. Right? Open audition. To make it even easier for me, it was in the Excel Centre in Canning Town,

which is like 10 minutes from me. Doorstep challenge. Walked down, yeah. All you've got to do is turn up, Vic. That was it. And this guy, Obi, was on me. He called me. I used to go home from Brunel University on the weekends

from Uxbridge to East London. So I was there. I met up with my guys. We partied. Obi calls me. Are you going to the audition today? When is it? It started at nine.

What time is it? Two. You owe me five pound, bruv. Set up like the Undertaker. You can get five pound from me. You know what I mean? Went to Canning Town. Tens of thousands of people

queuing around the building i'm like oh fuck sake i said how long is queue time um someone said five hours and this is like you queue to have a a mini audition outside the building you might not even get into the excel center you might get just told no you're not through and you're five hours okay yeah so i thought fuck that shit i pushed in the front and then it gave it a couple of minutes, murmurings,

and then some people went, oh, excuse me, have you pushed in? No, I haven't pushed in. A little bit of arguing. I threatened to headbutt someone. Did you? Yeah.

I just thought, let's just go zero to 100 on these fuckers, innit? And then a little woman comes over and she says, right, what's going on? They said, oh oh he's pushed in

I said I haven't pushed in there's no clear signage that says that this is where the line begins right so I'm just taking advantage of my right as a citizen of London

to stand where I want and I choose to stand right here she goes yeah alright then big mouth you so they take ten of you out of the line

and you've each got ten seconds to say why you should be on Big Brother and I was just giving it Yeah? All right then, big mouth. You, so they take 10 of you out of the line. And you've each got 10 seconds to say why you should be on Big Brother. Right. And I was just giving it large about wanting to win the money. I don't want to make friends. I don't want any of that. These are all tossers. Look at them.

Blah, blah, blah. Everyone went down. She goes, right, you've got to nominate one person to leave the queue, the process. Everyone was standing around scratching their willies. I went, this guy here and she went oh why he said he's been to the Dublin auditions

to the Manchester auditions and to this is the second one of his London auditions so he's been to six auditions and he hasn't got in there's fuck all interesting

about you mate just knock it off knock it on the head fella brutal she was like everyone was like no get rid of him he threatened to headbutt me

he pushed in da da da so she goes you come out of the queue mate I was like oh fuck this started walking off waddling down the road

actually I was quite a lean back then so I was walking off right she goes no no you wait there she turns to the others and says oh guys sorry

you haven't made it at this point you know thanks for trying. Thanks for auditioning, but you're welcome to try again. All right? Victor, come here. Stamp my hand with a big I.

So right now I'm gassed in it. So I'm going, I'm like, what's going on, guys? You locked you for four hours. I've been there for like, what? Four minutes? Suck it! That's what it was.

Went in and then they put me into another group a lot of it was like watching how you interact in groups who's the extroverts who's the introverts

they were like oh go in this group with ten people we want you to talk about the escalating situation in the middle east

what do you think about it we sat down and I said and they started talking about no what do you think Victor

no I don't want to talk about this as your shit. Let's talk about it. Did Michael Jackson, did all those boys? That's what I want to talk about. Oh my God. What do you think, huh? Why is he giving them fucking Jesus juice? Am I right?

Do you think, what's happening here? What's happening at Neverland Ranch? Really? We don't want to talk about this. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. So everyone was turned on me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Lined us up.

It was like, you know, a firing squad. Everyone else go home. Vic, you're through. Really? Just like that? And I just clocked that. If I'd be as much of a douchebag as I possibly can, which isn't hard as you've clocked,

I will make this. And in a few months, we went through different things. I know so much about this fucking process, mate. Yeah, but the thing is, like, in that, you just did whatever the fuck you wanted, right? All the other people auditioning were being super self-conscious, right, about what they were doing.

But you just rocked up and just did it, and you were just like, no, I'm just going to do it this way, straight through. When I realised it, it all got out of hand. I was in the house. I was in the house, in bed. And you were like... And everyone, autism, and I'm like,

what the fuck am I doing here? I should have just given Obi the five quid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And to this day, he hasn't given me the five quid. But that changed your life. Yeah. He owes you five pounds.

He owes me a lot more because this dude, like, is a ladies' man. Oh, really? And just through being around me, yeah, phew, some of the the one night love that has occurred yeah it's my back this guy should be kissing my feet i'm king jaffee joffer and coming to america yeah yeah no big up big up obi yeah okay okay but then yeah like i said game changer right it must have changed things for you you come out out and people are recognising you in the street.

They're like... Coming from where I'm from, you don't really want to be recognised. You're not supposed to be getting recognised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was good about Big Brother was it was around some of the first legal money I had made in my life. And it kind of put the fucking coffin into the ground

on me doing anything that was outside of the realms of conventional morality. Right, okay. Let's just say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I was already slowing down anyway. I've got a child, right? Yeah.

I don't fancy him visiting me surrounded by a hundred other fucking goons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the clink. Yeah, yeah. So, you know. Yeah, fine. Okay, yeah. It was, for the most part, it's been positive, I'd say.

Yeah, well, thank you for coming in. Victor. Is that the end of this? No, no, no. I mean... I feel like someone's going to come out and shoot me. I feel like I've known you all my life now. Do you know what I mean?

It's an emotional... We're having a moment here, mate. We are, yeah. I feel like we're really connecting. Did you know that? Jeez. Can I have a minute? Yeah, mate.

Yeah, I need to go and have a light. Jesus Christ. Okay, Vic. Well, I need to go and have a light nap. Jesus Christ. Okay, Vic. Well, thank you so much for coming in. Right. You know the premise of the podcast. I do. Who's going to be your first choice?

Right. Here we go. My first choice. Yeah. Victor Abua. Yeah. The co-host and managing director of The Rival Show. A.K.A. Vic the Slick.

Available now on Spotify, iTunes, Podbean. My first choice is my dad. Your dad? Yeah, pops. God bless you. You're going in with your own dad? I love you, Johnny Booer. I'm going in with my dad, but he's a difficult chap.

Okay. You know, he's a complicated man like a shaft, but no one understands him. I'll tell the listeners, your face has changed a little bit. It's gone a little bit like... I feel like I need a gospel choir behind me because I'm going to take you to church. I'm going to preach.

I need an amen. Amen. There you go. Right. My dad. He just wants everything done his own way. Yeah, okay. We're on a desert island. Yeah. Nothing's ever good enough for this man. Really? My dad He just wants everything done his own way Yeah okay We're on a desert island

Yeah Nothing's ever good enough for this man Really Nothing I do is good enough for him We'll be on this beach And he'll be like Ah Afam

That's my Nigerian Afam There's too much sand Yeah Pick Take sand Each grain Yeah

Put in the ocean We'll still be on a desert we'll still be you know what I mean yeah yeah sand everywhere really is that the kind of thing

you're getting from him he was the best at everything right right right it's bad enough we're stuck on this desert island but all of a sudden when it's desert island he's fucking Bear Grylls

right yeah okay he's trying to apart from one thing Bear Grylls I think Bear Grylls he takes liberties with the people one thing bear grills i think bear grills he takes liberties with the people he does on these things i think he just wants to get everyone out there to drink their piss i've been i see it's a whole experiment see how much fucking people gonna drink their own piss i feel like i'm sorry bear let me stop you there fella my life is not actually

at risk right now there's a fucking there's a fucking paramedic there. The whole thing is so people can drink their own piss. Yeah. What? Is this necessary? Tangy bear. Have some of mine. It'll hydrate you. Oh my God. Do they always end up drinking their own piss?

They're always drinking their piss. This is how we survive in the wild. You know, oh, look, there's a grub worm. Let's think. Can't I just get the fucking cameraman to pass me a chaka bar off camera? I don't really need to eat it.

You know, I've just come here. My agents made me come here because this is good for my career. But drinking piss is not going to be good for me,

for my soul. You know what I mean? Right, right. You know what I mean? No one needs to be drinking their own piss on TV. What else do you think

is necessary, babe? At night time, you know, when you're in the wild, we should all take our clothes off and just all spoon, you know. Body heat is the most natural bear. No, thank you, bear. I'm telling you, keep an eye on bear. That's what my dad is.

Everything that you're doing, you're doing all the heavy lifting. But he knows that. He knows better. You should do it like this. You should do it like this. Bastard. Idiot. You're a sluts boy. Right, okay. Bafoon. You should do it like this. You should do it like this. Bastard. Idiot. You're a sluts boy.

Right, okay. Bafoon. You can't do anything right. Can't do anything right. I've saved... Bear it in mind, for us to get where everywhere we are, maybe I was piloting the plane,

I have crash landed us in this spot. We would all be dead. It's all down to you. But he's given me a breakdown of the analysis as to what i could have done better right right right he would have been able to save us by performing a loop the loop

or something right right right right yeah yeah yeah man this is my life that's gonna be tough this is my life we're learning a lot about you yeah you know i mean what was he like when you're on big brother then well when i first went in, the world survived. Because just as the gods have blessed me from above, he was on a trip, just on a trip back to Nigeria. So for the first three weeks, he wasn't back. Right, right, right. The legend goes that when he three weeks into it

he's sitting in the living room and he says ah where is Afam he's been back for a couple of weeks by the way now whatever where is Afam

he just do you ever see he just noticed and my sister's put it on channel 4 and it happened to be me there I don't know I was maybe going to the toilet to go and curl one out

or something like that but then he raised a whole load of racket with Channel 4 like did he yeah all of a sudden

he was Martin Luther fucking King was he yeah like it was Nelson Mandela was he trying to get his own thing going on I don't I think he just was

you know you know like if my dad was in the comic book the DC comic book universe he'd be the Joker would he he's just dangerous because you can't

you don't know what is what is his what are his reasons right yeah you can't negotiate with this man yeah yeah yeah you cannot

even if you agree with him he'll find a way to mind fuck you with it whoever this is right and obviously it is your dad yeah that's a tough

character to be none of to be stuck with to be stuck with on the island and to be because he was only five foot two only five foot

two it was five foot two but he had the presence of you know like that film highlander yes where you where's another immortal when he walks into a room everybody sensed the presence there can be only one there can be only one johnny bua right bless him. He was a good man. He was a good man. Johnny Bua. Five foot two, but Jesus Christ, he was a giant. Was he? Yeah. Wow. And Darth Vader. And he let you fucking know it.

Yeah, really. Come to your football matches, criticise the life out of you, praise one of your mates. Really? Thanks, Dad. Get in the car, nothing. Get in the car.

You might have given away possession one time he's on you for a month really on you for a month that's tough when I was playing in Nigeria

tough love or just tough it was a bit of both a bit of both yeah he was a Jedi mind tricker oh really

that's what he was right there he taught Obi-Wan Kenobi did he yeah he taught him even Marcio fell out over some bullshit and he went his own way. I can see it. You know?

Oh, man. Okay. So far, it's you and your dad. Who's going to be your second choice? The second choice is going to be the Night King from Game of Thrones. Yes, I saw this, right? Okay, so to listeners that haven't seen Game of Thrones, who's the Night King? The Night King is the leader of an undead army

of myth and legend, last seen thousands of years ago in a fantasy world called Westeros. There's different kingdoms who have all got their own hierarchy, but at the top of the food chain is the king yeah right it's been different people robert baratheon um joffrey you might have heard of yeah joffrey yeah i know he was a bastard god damn it you better be his parent or you're

fucked anyone anybody can get it yeah right but okay basically, it's a world of humans and the powerful take advantage of the poor and everyone's jostling for position and power throughout this. And there's different people with different claims to the throne all fighting for it. There's a chick who's got frigging dragons for crying out loud. And nobody's seen dragons. A lot of stuff that you might have heard of and people think are bullshit. That's what I'm saying. It's sort of almost like today's world, but fantasy in a fantasy realm of swords and sandals, that kind of stuff that you might have heard of and people think are bullshit, that's what I'm saying. It's sort of almost like today's world, but fantasy in a fantasy realm

of swords and sandals, that kind of stuff. And all the stuff you think's bullshit right now, these guys, it's happening. So you could be there and there are dragons floating. What the fuck? It's a fucking dragon.

Do you know what I mean? And there's a chick running about who says she's got a claim to the throne. She's got three of these fuckers. Nobody in the world has got a claim to the throne she's got three of these fuckers nobody in the world's got she's like nobody in the world has got a knife but she has got scud missiles yeah right okay yeah yeah who's a tough guy yeah i'm in charge now yeah yeah and she's got an army of absolute savages who just want to kill people for no goddamn reason i feel like yeah she's gonna win right you'd think so she's even got an army of dudes who've been castrated so all they can all they do is think

about is fighting wow they can't even have a tug yeah yeah imagine that pent up yeah you can't even how are we doing this guys fuck better break out the last step last season of friends again yeah and then but what they don't know is in amongst all they're just killing each other for power on the other side they've got a big wall that is meant to keep another whole band of lawless there's a whole race of lawless humans living beyond this barrier it It's kind of like, I think it must be like what Scotland was like when the Romans, they built Hadrian's wall. Yeah.

Yeah. And let's think about this guys, the Romans, right. Who conquered most of the world, went everywhere and made everyone their bitch. Came to England, done them in the ass.

Right. And then went up, took a look over in Scotland, had a look at what was going on over there thought fuck that it's easier for us to build a wall

across the whole fucking isle get these dickheads up there then try it yeah you know you're good guys

yeah yeah you do your thing we'll do ours yeah there's those dudes there that's what this wall's here for but people also say

this wall is here to keep zombies yeah there were zombies generations ago okay that. That's what this wall's here for. But people also say this wall is here to keep zombies. Yeah. There were zombies generations ago. Okay, okay. That's what's made this... And people are like, it's bullshit, right? But these zombies are real.

And their boss is the Night King. Oh. And whoever he kills, he raises from the dead to join his army. There's a snowball effect. Yeah. It's bad. It's rough, yeah. It's rough.

Yeah. You know, there's better things to do on your weekend. Yeah. I can think of a few. Yeah. It's bad. It's rough, yeah. It's rough. Yeah. You know, there's better things to do on your weekend. Yeah. I can think of a few. Yeah. This dude here, the Night King,

I don't want to be with him on the island. No. He's not going to be much fun. No. Is he? And he's not even going to fucking let you die.

No. The one, if worse comes to worse and you think, I could die. Yeah. Not with this fucker around. He's keeping you up.

I've never had resurrection on this before. I've never had that. That would be nasty. You're just like, right, the only way out here is if I go, right. Yeah. That's it, guys. I've had enough. I'm doing myself in.

Drops mic. Right, that's it. Yeah. Don't worry about it. You're back from the dead. And you're just going to have to live eternally with this fella with this dude

so far it's you your dad and the Night King it's not going well it's not going well it's not a good look the party's not going to make it

so who's going to be your third choice come dine with me jeez okay I know you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners

like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com my third choice is to be the one and only leader of the Conservative Party and British politics, the government, Theresa May. Yeah. So instantly sticks out like Theresa May. OK, dare I ask, where does this come from? It comes from several places, none of which are particularly good.

No, good. Okay, let's go. Her only role for being with us is to perhaps bring some kind of order and organisation to proceedings. We're stranded. For God's sake, let's get organised. That's what she should be doing. Yeah.

From how she's handled her own party and this whole Brexit debacle let me start using political yeah here we go debacle right yeah she couldn't organise

a handjob in Belmar's prison yeah right in the lifers section yeah I know you know

are you kidding me yeah what do we need okay can she organize some entertainment nights or some dances have you seen theresa may dance no yeah it's amazing i can't dance with her do you know what though that i think right she did that once and the first time the first time she had no idea what was going on and then some pr spinner said to her oh everyone is warming to you now right do that again and then and then all of a sudden she's doing it all the time it's crazy isn't it ricky gervais all of us i know yeah yeah yeah what is she bringing to to our lives right now and what's what what makes it worse for her is i've now lost respect for her

as a person yeah as a person. Yeah. As a person. I'm a man who believes in girl power. I was raised amongst real women. Four sisters and a strong mum. Yeah. Who now is overbearing,

overprotective. Yeah. Day in, day out. But she's got the good feet so that's why I go around there. Love you, mum. She's got the good feet. Yeah.

She's got that good African. Jollof rice. Nigerian jollof as well. No, that Ghanaian stuff. Anyway. Yeah. I've lost respect for Theresa May. she got that good African jollof fries Nigerian jollof as well like that Ghanaian stuff anyway yeah I've lost respect for Theresa May you know what I mean

and it comes in the form of it was bad enough she had some of her MPs go on tonight with that other bald dude that

and they were dancing to some David Ram Jam Roddick and that was bad when I saw Michael Portillo dancing I thought you know oh nodick and that was bad. When I saw Michael Portillo dancing, I thought, you know.

Oh no, that's bad. That's the worst. Mate, it was like seeing my dad run over my face naked while I was lying on the floor. Too much danglage and old man Willie. Old man Willie. He was moving around and he was like Linfa Christie in the 80s, mate.

You know what I mean too much old man Willie mate there's no such there's no good thing about when I'm an old man and I've got a Willie

I'll know I've got old man Willie yeah let's keep that thing holstered you know what I mean keep it holstered none of those robes

where you know your Willie can just poke out yeah you know none of that let's have can just poke out. Yeah, you know, none of that. Let's have a bit of respect here. Decorum. You know? You know, let's just...

Come on. Come on, people. We're civilised. But yeah, I've lost respect for her because Michael Gove. People are saying that he's looking... The man is a toad. From bad to worse. Yeah.

He looks like the sort of person who would try to sell you a condom filled with razor blades and broken toothpicks as a form of contraception. Yeah. Yeah. He is a weasel.

Yeah, he's a weasel man. If you see him in a film, you know he's the one who's going to fold when it comes on. Oh, first one. First one. Like, he's given an option.

Press the button, everyone else dies, you live. He's pressing that button. He has taken Hacksaw Jim Duggars 2x4 and smashed it through that button, mate. Bang. Bang, they all die. Yeah.

And he's crying. Sniveller. Theresa May, third choice. Wow, what an island this is shaping up to be. Okay, thank you very much, Vic. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you,

it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Food is vegan food. Vegan food, okay. Vegan motherfuckers. Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah.

Go on. You know what it is? I'm all for letting everyone live. Live and let live. Do your thing yeah I don't mind if you're if you have your steak medium rare

rare you can just take it out of the packet and eat it with some crap you know what I mean right I don't mind but why have I got

this is what I'm saying it's they've affected my tasting of the food nah okay the actual vegans. Yeah. These guys are... They're an army. They're an army.

If they decide that they want to all put balaclavas on and smash up everyone else's food, there's fuck all we can do about it. Yeah. Someone's got to stop them. So what is it? So you're seeing too much vegan at the minute. They won't leave us alone. Right, okay. Leave me... And here's the other thing. Why is it when So you're seeing too much vegan at the minute. They won't leave us alone.

Right, okay. Leave me. And here's the other thing. Why is it when someone's a vegan, like let's say you're on Tinder and you're looking through the profile, works for Amstrad. Okay, maybe this is Tinder in the 80s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry. Right, she works for ITN. Yeah, yeah. Is that even still? Yeah. Journalist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, she works for ITN. Yeah, yeah. Is that even still? Yeah. Journalist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Journalist, right? Five foot six, brown eyes, vegan. What? It's a dietary requirement. Yeah, right. I don't write carne fucking vor. It's true. You're right.

It's a good point, yeah. Eats meat. Right, yeah't have fucking vor. It's true. You're right. It's a good point. Yeah. Eats meat. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, all right. So it's more just overrun with veganism right now.

Too much. Just live your lives, guys. Yeah, right. Let us live ours. Yes. I was flicking through and I came on the one show one time,

don't ask me why. And there was a dude on there with a fucking moustache, right? Last seen on Freddie Mercury, right? Talking about, oh yeah, you know, lobbying parliament to stop people from eating animal products. Why? I thought this was a world of choice.

Pro-choice. Them doing that kind of stuff, what stops some maniac saying, I don't like gay people, let me lobby thing to make hope to make anal sex or or same-sex interactions illegal again as once upon a time it once was wasn't it let's let's revoke whatever article it was that that made people allowed to be free to love who the fuck they want as it should be yeah yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like people telling other people

what's good for them. Yeah, right, right. Everyone should be, like free will was given to us all by God or whatever alien is up there who's controlling, who created humanity. Free will, right?

Apart from important stuff like climate change because we all right now currently need to live on this planet. Yeah. So can we do something about that? That's a shout, you know what i mean that's a good message why aren't we lobbying why aren't people kicking up you know stones about that but he says you've got some fucking dude with a mustache right he's got glam rock mustache going on telling me about i can't have a fucking leg of lamb. Yeah. Yeah. As well, I think you made a real good point there because it's like we're spending all this money Brexiting the EU right now, right?

Imagine if we spend that money on climate change, right? And stop caring where the fuck we get our apples from. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Exactly. What a big waste of money. Yeah. Mate, always, look, there's no money for police.

There's no money for firemen and firemen and emergency services there's no fucking money you never see bobbies on the beat looking after people and stuff anymore or you don't see him kicking in the heads of black guys when they're stopping search do we i guess we still do um right you know there's a but as soon as they want money for donald trump's over, they're pulling money out of their anuses. Money's coming out of people. Someone's sneezing and money's flying out of his nose. Oh, there's money for this. Let me tell you something.

There's money, people. There is money. It's just whoever squeezing it from the many and keeping it for the few. And that's how humans have always been that is how power works

humans do not work there's no hive mentality looking for the great and good it's just everyone that's the flip side of it everyone for themselves

and ambition leads to people abusing power when they get it you start off with the best of intentions and once you've got it you think ooh

maybe I will give my wife that million pounds to go spend in Paris. And no one's taking a pay cut. Do you know what I mean? No, no, no. No, no, no. Once you're living that life,

they're not giving it back. Well, why would you? Yeah, of course. But then they say that people, my people, the Nigerians, we're the corrupt ones, eh?

Okay. Where did we learn it from? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, there you go okay vegan food vegan food because of the vegans um okay vegan food and what's going to be a drink choice non-alcoholic beer yes non-alcoholic so why non-alcoholic beer why non-alcoholic beer that is the question why non-alcoholic beer yeah yeah yeah drink something else yeah yeah yeah

non-alcoholic beer, I like the taste. I'm pissed off, man. I'm totally with you. Like, if you're, like, go and get a Coca-Cola. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Get a glass of water, hydrate yourself, you fucking drunk bastard. No. Yeah. Can you imagine that? You're drinking, you're pissed off out of a beer

and then they're like, I'm not drinking no more. You go and get non-alcoholic beer and start drinking that. No, thank you. What kind of animal are you? What you know who came up with that what what bastard what demon realm did he come from when alcoholic beer yes and somebody they found money to make that though didn't they yeah they did you know i mean yeah how's that working out

for you what is the point in non-alcoholic beer i don't know i do not know it serves no purpose yeah it's like men having nipples why yeah it's true why if like what why why are we doing this yeah that's true i just i i don't i could just imagine being stuck on an island with it and i'm like the fuck i'm telling you now as well non-alcoholic beer does not taste like beer it tastes weird man have you tried it yeah it tastes weird basically yeah it does taste weird no it's not worth doing i'm telling you the only reason i'd have it is to to bottle somebody with while it's still full whoever's drinking it yeah yeah i mean done all right non-alcoholic imagine being stuck on an island with like you're stuck on an island with

these people yes fucking vegan food yeah and you can't even have a decent beer I bottle myself the cargo hold falls open to the plane and you're like right salvation you see all those bottles and you think I'm set

and then you pick up the first one 0% I bottle I was going to say someone's getting bottled not just me ok

non-alcoholic beer it's going to be your drink choice thank you very much Vic now I feel like we're going to get your drink choice. Thank you very much, Vic. Now, I feel like we're going to get onto your subject here. Fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. Now, I can tell you're someone that likes films. I am. Right? Yes. Okay. A few of your analogies in there make me think you like

your films i do indeed i'm interested what's gonna be your film choice 50 shades of gray please dive old firstly have you watched it uh a few moments here yeah yeah okay and then i started hating myself yeah i just wanted to see because yeah i get it i it as a guy that likes films I can tell you're like alright if I'm going to talk about this I want to know and that's fine I get that it's for informative reasons for research reasons the same reason I'm on

Pornhub most nights purely for research reasons I like to make sure I know what I'm getting into, so to speak. Am I doing this right? Okay.

Yeah. But Fifty Shades. I'm stuck on an island. Fifty Shades. All of the hype around this, the book, the movie, I thought it was going to be people getting their backs broken.

It was going to be like, women were getting so moistened in the thighs. It's talking like Spartacus, you know, they moistened at the thighs at the thought of Fifty Shades of Grey. But then you watch it. All that was was pride and

prejudice, right? In this day and age. They both like each other. But he couldn't smash her back then because those were the times but now he can and also it's an abuse ain't he her fucking boss where was all the hashtag me too chicks then

he's her boss next thing you know he's got her fucking tied up doing all sorts of blah blah all these women who say that they protest they don't like this stuff if I was your boyfriend and I wanted to do the stuff this guy's doing All these women who say that they protest, they don't like this stuff. If I was your boyfriend and I wanted to do the stuff this guy's doing to his secretary or assistant,

you wouldn't want to do it. No. But here you are getting gassed up by watching Hugh fucking Grant Jr. Yeah. Roll around with some other chick. Yeah, it's true. What's it about? i don't know the dude like the guy bangs his secretary that's it and he sold hundreds of millions of books

like is there a thing though like he's meant to like do some like there's like i don't know i haven't seen it and i clearly don't know. But isn't there like some sexy mind games and shit? Possibly. I don't know. The way it got about as sexy is she walked into a room and found on the back of a cutout of a cardboard carton, be my girlfriend. Tick box, yes or no.

He didn't have no game. He was just rich. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was rich. tick box yes or no but what so okay he didn't have no game he was just rich right yeah yeah he was rich he could have just given her a fucking Ferrari

and she would have dropped her knickers mate that would have been it let's go let's do this so it's like if you want something sexy right

this isn't where you should go Pornhub Pornhub yeah get into Pornhub that's what we all want isn't it otherwise why is everybody watching it That's what we all want, isn't it? Otherwise, why is everybody watching it?

That's what my friend said about Love Island. He was just like, do you love it? I love Love Island. My friend was like, no, but my friend was like, look, Love Island, you have to go through listening to them talk the whole time. If you want to see sexy people get it on just go straight to porn hub do you know what i mean see right see it's like why watch them walking around and talking but you love it it's it cracks me up because yeah i look i'm more entertained by yes

the psychology behind yeah yeah yeah all of these people who in their own worlds and social circles yeah are quite clearly the apex predator in terms of physical physicality physical attributes right they are the top all of them are the hot one in their group of friends definitely yeah yeah and they're used to getting wherever town city they're from they get all the chicks they get all the guys yeah the footballers the models they get whoever yeah yeah right and what the reason i use these specific professions is because having someone, if you've got a better job based around education, that's not a big deal to them. I saw one of the girls say to the doctor Alex last year, who was just, you could tell they were like a dishy doctor. I'll be honest, spoiler alert, guys.

Doctors do not look like George Clooney in the real fucking world alex is about as good as it gets for a doctor yeah yeah right to these people he's he's a middleman he's nobody no yeah he's not getting no love so one girl turned to him and said there was a new girl coming in and she wanted to have a date with alex and a girl gave him a pep talk and went yeah you know let her know she said let her know that you work out that you've got a bit

about you none of that doctor stuff and I was like wow like that was a bad thing to do no one gives a shit

in there that you've spent seven years in medical school and that you can string a coherent sentence together no

can you do fucking 50 crunches? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So all of these people then get pitted against each other for the affections of other beautiful people. And they cannot handle the rejection. They're not used to it.

It really fucks their shit up. Right? That's what the beauty of it is. That's where the entertainment how people claw and fight and scrap and kick because they're not used to being told no i want her instead of you i'm gonna look at it in a whole new perspective i think because you've been part of the reality tv world you look at it slightly different well yeah i mean yeah okay yeah from from a production point yeah i can definitely

see how stuff is not how you know it seems in to but also that as well and i suppose and the side but i've always been quite a psychological person anyway but yeah but that has added something to it definitely but then when you so with this right there are producers that are like rehash that conversation again right and they've said that that's what happens, right? You know it's augmented reality. But when you did it, that stuff didn't happen. No, no, no, no. People wanted to shank each other up. Yeah.

If it was prison, I'd have had someone bringing drugs in their bum hole, you know what I mean? Delivered to me. You know what I mean? I'd have been like somebody smuggling cigarettes and yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People would have been, yeah, what, you want this? Okay, you're going to have to sleep with, yo, go sleep with whoever or whatever. Yeah and yeah yeah yeah yeah people would have been yeah what you want

this okay you're gonna sleep with yo go sleep with whoever or whatever yeah yeah yeah you know i mean i would have been that guy in there and it was just right yeah hustling yeah i mean no no what i mean yeah i mean that was how bad it could get in there okay no without before anyone steps in yeah yeah no there was i can't say for what's happened in the last few years and how it's switched towards Instagram people and stuff. It seems clearly... It's different now. It's so different now. Back then, you fuckers get on with it.

If someone dies, then walk it off. Right, yeah, yeah. That kind of shit. We're not... Whatever happens is none of our business. But then they still stuck you in the most psychologically challenging environment that they've ever fucking scripted. The walls were at mad angles. The ceilings were lowered right there was no locks on doors it

was mirrors invasively everywhere yeah there was no clocks anywhere so you didn't know what time of day it was yeah you know i mean you get waking up with really invasive fucking music and alarms and all these things do you know i mean so okay and plus you didn't get to speak to your anybody from the outside world for your duration it's not like now where

or on these other shows we get a phone call from mum and dad oh we're still alive you know yeah look here's your cat Reggie send a letter

yeah yeah yeah give me a break yeah yeah you know what I mean so yeah Love Island it's a it is a cracker of a show okay I will watch it

I will watch it this time with a different perspective okay so your film choice is going to be 50 shades of gray yeah for the bullshit and what about song for my song choice anything recorded by 80s 90s allegedly hip-hop slash rap band the beastie boys yes i saw this go on please is it just me or were they crap nobody nobody and this is the thing back in those days nobody wanted to buy a black hip-hop like black people like actual like hip-hop i'm not saying it's a colour thing but the most predominantly like rappers were black people Run DMC

were the biggest and they only blew after they'd done a tune with Aerosmith and everyone was like oh we can listen to the Beast to Run DMC now

because they've done a tune with Aerosmith they must be alright and then right but the Beastie Boys were coming out

with absolute I remember being because I was a proper little boy when MTV first started. And they used to ram Beastie Boys, like tunes, down everyone's gullets. Beastie Boys, was it Intergalactic? I didn't know what that was about. Right to party. I just thought it was meant to be funny. So I kind of didn't mind it.

But then I realised these guys were being serious. party i just thought it was meant to be funny so i kind of didn't mind it yeah yeah but then i realized these guys were being serious like they're supposed to be some proper legends and they're crap like it's weird when you see them now and you just think wow do you know i mean they're there in like just looking like old dads but they're looking like the OGs of this shit like yeah hip hop legends rap beast they're crap yeah their tunes were crap

people only bought it because there was white guys rapping and it was this bad thing rap but we can buy these guys music

but then we're not gonna let NWA do their thing oh yeah I mean or Public Enemy but Beastie Boys, and obviously it was inoffensive,

but I just think their tunes, I don't even mind it. I don't care about anything other than the fact their tunes were crap. And why did they make so much fucking money? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, Fight For Your Right To Party is not a good song. No. I mean, at the time, fun, fair, but actually, put that in the spectrum of rap music

and that is on the lowest rung, man. And it's made the most money, probably. Yeah. What the fuck? If there had been a group of black guys doing that, that tune would never have seen the light of day. They'd have been like, we can't sell this crap. Go and shoot someone and then write a record about it.

True. You know what I mean? But these guys were crap that's the record that radio stations are still playing yeah

I mean I love Vanilla Ice love Vanilla Ice that was my guy you know what I mean he's he's rapping he's doing his yeah

he's doing his thing what the fuck are these guys like what is this and it's number one number one album blah blah they're on sellout tour

I'm like didn't we have them over here called Goldie Looking Chain yeah and no one and they knew they were a joke yeah yeah yeah but how come they didn't make that

I just I don't I can't hear any I can't have any of their tunes and their tunes are still getting played yeah fight for your rights

and you've got that for the rest of your life well exactly on this island. Thank you very much, Vic. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick

of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I'd say cheetahs. A cheetah? Yeah. Go on, why? Because there's something sexy about cheetahs.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. There's something sexy about cheetahs, isn't there? And I can't bang Theresa May or my dad or fucking the Night King. Are you about to say this?

No, no. But I'm just like, the mind would wander. You know what I mean? Look at that cheetah just running in slow motion. Yeah, yeah. Female cheetah just bouncing. Yeah, she's got lipstick on for some reason. I don't know why.

Big eyelashes. Big eyelashes. Do you remember the Thundercats? Yeah. Who was the one that you wanted? Chitara Yeah See?

Yeah They weren't lying They thought the same thing If I was going to get it on Or be in a relationship with an animal Who would it be? A cheetah Yeah, okay

But also, right If it is a real cheetah You're not going to last very long on that island No Yeah exactly You're going to be dead Yeah well I can't win

I can't catch a fucking break I can't catch a break You've set up the worst world for yourself here man I know That was the brief innit I know yeah That was the word This is mission

Get Tom Cruise in it Yeah I want to see how it gets at the end of this fucking film yeah i mean this is yeah this is bad you've done so well thank you so much vick so cheaters gonna be animal choice vick tell people about the rival show the rival show aka the most professionally unprofessional podcast it started off as a whatsapp group right okay that's cool friends throughout my whole life amazing right and the conversations we have in there as you could imagine i am but one cog in there yeah some of the funniest

and most inappropriate banter you will ever hear between people who have known each other for their whole lives right and we were like we should write a script about some of this stuff or somebody was like maybe we should get the transcripts and put them online and we were like people like no no no because some some of the stuff that gets said in there is a little bit really you know i mean okay yeah i mean we got jobs in it yeah yeah people don't find some of the banter funny so it was like okay and in the end it was like why don't we do a podcast and it was one one of my friends wanted to do

a meeting about starting a sports podcast okay and then my co-host on the rival show Merv right he decided to

just be difficult and say no I'm gonna make a rival show for this right and that's literally how the show why the show's called

Rival Show okay so it started off as a sports show so anybody who then tunes in off the back of this blisteringly scintillating appearance from myself right into the rival show do it people trust me do it yeah you won't be disappointed do not start from the first one two whatever because it started with literally just sports it seems it was very

very very serious and then people were like yeah well what if we don't like sports you know some people don't want to hear an hour and a half of us talking proper analytical football breakdowns like if i was like if people want to hear this don't watch fucking match of the day yeah and what see gary liniker and not not free not free over over the old guys sitting in the living room talking about footy right no no yeah and then we created a segment called toilet of the week okay

which where we find either a person or a group or some situation that's happened throughout the week where somebody has made a right tit of themselves

yeah yeah and we just absolutely cane them right from research we then found out that Pete that was everyone's favourite segment

right so then we thought okay so then we expanded that segment and then we added in a news section. Do you know what I mean? There's other little segments as well. Nice. It's a proper,

it's just inappropriate banter, topical discussion and usually someone getting the arse ripped out. And a lot of the time it's me. Do you know what I mean? There's lots of running jokes at my expense on this show. Is there? There are. There's lots of running me do you know what I mean there's lots of running jokes at my expense on this show

there are there's lots of running jokes you know what I mean and if people don't know I'm the heartbeat of that motherfucker you're ripping your own heart out here

suicide you know what I mean but you know obviously anyone at home suffering from suicide you know so it's very serious subjects

funny enough the last Rival Show episode we did last week was actually quite was probably the most serious of all because we've had a couple of friends who have you know committed suicide so we spoke about that and asking people to just you know if you're going through things just talk to someone you know before it's too late and then after that we got on with ripping people's lives apart in the public eye

usually donald trump and um you know theresa may who i reckon she smells like strippers perfume i never think about what she's might smell like i mean strippers perfume and asparagus for breath that's perfect hot asparagus well we made it an hour without that do you know what I mean we have yeah we got a bit phlegmy there no it's good thank god this ain't being filmed it's not

um Vic that was so good that's so funny I urge everyone to go to Spotify iTunes

Podbean to get The Rival Show The Rival Show yes we're at 60 episodes in we haven't made any effort to do anything with it.

But it's fucking good, mate. I find it's a good show. Tune in. Yeah, yeah. Check it out. Well, thank you so much for coming in, Vic. It's been brilliant. Thank you.

The Rival Show. Big up. Bye.