Desert Island Dicks - WILL GOLDSTON

Episode Date: November 28, 2017

For this week's Desert Island Dicks we have writer, podcaster and comedian, Will Goldston. Follow us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst possible people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're there is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is podcaster, writer and comedian Will Goldson. Hello Will. Howdy. Welcome, welcome to Desert Island Dicks. I've been working on that hello for a while. Yeah, and I think it really paid off actually.

What a great intro. Will, should we just dive straight in with your first dick? Let's dive straight in, I'm very excited. Oh yeah, I've been excited to have you on. I've been looking forward to it for the past few weeks. Will, would you like to share your first Desert Island dick with us? I would. My first Desert Island dick is Miles Teller.

Miles Teller. Okay, you might have to explain to me who Miles Teller is. Well, I mean, I think that is the perfect example of why I've picked Miles Teller. Miles Teller has been in quite a few pretty big budget Hollywood films. Okay okay he was in fantastic four he was mr fantastic the stretchy one okay um let's pick a big role he was in a he was in something with uh i can't remember what it's called now he was in something with zach efron and uh michael b jordan about cool guys living in new york being cool okay cool young guy in new york i'm pretty sure that's what it was called as well cool young guys in New York

so he's been in quite a few he was in War Dogs with Jonah Hill okay I didn't see that but I know I know of the film he was the one

who wasn't morbidly obese yeah okay oh Whiplash okay he's in Whiplash he's the main guy in Whiplash oh the main guy

in Whiplash yeah the boy the boy that plays the drums not J.K. Simmons okay right now I know who he is. Yeah. At points in my life,

I've been told that I look like Marcella. Ah, you're probably not going to like where I'm about to go then. Okay, just go there. It's absolutely fine. Well, I just feel like you've made it clear. He's been in all of those films. Whiplash is like this massive Oscar buzz film.

Yeah, huge. This amazing film. It was 2015 it came out, I think. This amazing, buzz film. Yeah, huge. This amazing film. It was 2015 it came out, I think. This amazing, massive film. And he's so unengaging and boring. Yeah. It's just... It's literally like they've just been like,

okay, all we need you to do is stand there and say the lines. We don't even want you to try and act. Right, yeah. And then when he does, it's just the worst. He's so bad. He'll pull the... There's one scene in Fantastic Four where he's strapped to a hospital bed after being turned elastic or whatever.

It's a ridiculous shot anyway, because they've got him like they do like a panning shot of his body. It's really long because he's all strapped. OK, so stupid. And then he gets to his face and he's pulling the stupidest face. Just it's so annoying. Everything about him is just so annoying. And he's in this position of just, he's doing so well and I don't understand why.

Okay, so what was his, do you know his beginnings? Like, how did he get into this? Why has he done so well for himself? I'll be honest with you, I don't know. No idea. You really don't like this guy. And I feel like he's a perfect dick for you to have on this island but i'll tell you the truth about him i'll tell you that i feel like he's on such a thin line between like being so annoying and then there's like this weird likeability to him okay annoys me even more

because i'll watch a film with him and sort of like him. He'll sit there, blank-faced, saying, just repeating the words. Yeah. And I'll still kind of be like, that's a relatable guy. And I know that's exactly why he is where he is. But it is so frustrating. But surely that's someone that you should like. No. It annoys me so much.

Okay. All right. Miles Teller. He should not be in Hollywood films. So, I feel like you've really, yeah. If he was in a film, if he was in a new film at the cinema, would you go and see it?

No. Not based on the fact that he's in it? It depends on the film. I went to see War Dogs because I like Jonah Hill and it sounded like a cool film. I think you'd like him. I don't think I do. I don't like, I definitely don't like him.

Okay. Okay. I definitely don't like him. So, Okay. I definitely don't like him. So, yeah, like I said, I've been told that I look like the guy, but I couldn't even remember his name. I don't, yeah, I don't think I do. But also, for him to have been in so many films of such big stature, I feel like he should be someone that comes straight to mind, right?

Yeah. Okay, that's fine. Miles Telly goes in. He's your first Desert Island Dick. And who would be your second Desert Island Dick? Jamie Oliver. Jamie Oliver. Lovable, likeable, naked chef.

But now thinking about it, I feel like a theme's coming up, isn't it? I just don't like people who are likeable. Yeah, people everyone else likes. Yeah. Okay. I find him really annoying. I'm hoping you learn something about yourself during this journey. Desert Island Dick's a journey of self-discovery. Yeah. Okay. I find him really annoying. I'm hoping you learn something about yourself during this journey.

Desert Island Dick's a journey of self-discovery. Yeah, that's what maybe it should be. Maybe this episode will be called A Journey of Self-Discovery. Will, why Jamie Oliver? I just don't understand the appeal. Everything about him is quite clearly, completely contrived.

Yeah, okay, yeah okay yeah yeah yeah he's not the guy he pretends that he pretends he's like this down-to-earth there's a lot of people like that i'm a down-to-earth guy i just make my food it's just in my kitchen do you know what i mean yeah yeah and he's just in his kitchen on tv that's not his kitchen i know his house he's not laying camera crews in his house no one has beautiful flowers all the time in their house. All the time. Just alive. I have flowers. My mum will get flowers.

They die. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Flowers die, James. He creates this completely wrong ideal of what it's like in a kitchen. Yeah. And it's not very real. Everything about him. Yeah.

Genuinely, I don't feel like there's a genuine thing about him. Maybe when he started off and he was doing his Naked Chef books and he was on the street, I don't know. Was he naked on the front cover of any of his books? I don't know, but do you feel like that was real? Now that you... I've never questioned it. You just thought he was a nice guy. Yeah, I just think, oh, he's just some cheeky, chappy, nice guy,

you know, makes beans on toast with his mates and then, you know, one day just starts making more adventurous food someone picks up on it he didn't even start making more adventurous food it's still just beans on it's beans on toast but it'll be like artisan beans it's got saffron in the beans

special passage it's not not a fan no I'm there you've made me start to hate him a little bit. And I don't really feel like I should because I've always thought he was absolutely fine. I'm sorry about that.

No, I think it's okay. What do you think about his adventures in America where he tried to sort of change the way people eat and all that stuff? Do you think that's just self-promotion? On the surface, that's an amazing thing. It's great. Obviously, you should be promoting it healthy but yeah i feel it's completely self-promotion i feel like it's completely contrived i feel so bad i don't i don't believe it at all okay yeah yeah

jamie oliver but i mean okay so you're stuck on this desert island and you've all you've got is like some seaweed uh an old bamboo shoot and some grass, some long grass. And he's going to knock you up something nice to eat. Is he though? Or is he going to go out of his mind because he's not in like a nice clean studio kitchen? Oh, okay. I see where we're at.

Right, okay. All right, yeah. There he is, Jamie Oliver on your desert island. I didn't think it would happen to him so early. Did you think he was coming at some point? You know, he's up there. It's always going to happen. But, I mean, you know,

who's to say I don't have a list of people that I think will be on there soon. Okay, and then Will, who's your third dick? Definitely this one. Like, if Jamie Oliver caused problems, Michael McIntyre. What really happy, lovely Michael McIintyre getting gazebo yeah that guy talk me through it oh okay so to explain this i have to explain i'm a i love comedy it's like

my thing i'm a big fan of stand-up and sitcoms and all of that kind of stuff yeah and i used to really like him and over time he's just got increasingly more and more annoying and again it's the disingenuous thing i don't mind observational humor or humor that reaches a lot of people it's good to get as many people laughing as possible getting people laughing is like the best thing you can do it's amazing but i do have a problem with lowest common denominator humor okay don't just open a fucking drawer in your house and name the things that's not funny yes yeah that's like vines that's like the that feeling when your mom says you need to go to bed yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you just do a thing that... It's just lowest common denominator.

It's just awful. Do you feel like he's the embodiment of that, then? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Yeah. He's the most popular British comedian, I'd imagine. Yeah. Then there are genuine, funny people... Yeah, that should have that audience.

Should have it. Yeah. Yeah, and they just don't. The thing is, I feel like, yeah, he's not... Michael McIntyre is not you. Do you know what I mean? But he's saying, like, oh, I'm this guy. But the thing is, he paints such a lovely picture.

You could imagine him, you know, in his pyjamas on a Sunday morning having his avocado scrambled egg and toast with his family while the kids play in the garden. But is that happening? I don't know. That might be happening, but firstly, that's not me. He does the big shop at Waitrose, for sure. He definitely does the big shop at Waitrose. That's the problem.

Again, all of this list is just disingenuousness. Is that a word? No, yeah, I'm there. Disingenuousness. I feel like, how's Miles Teller's disingenuousness is just... Maybe not so much him, I guess. Yeah. But I still find him frustrating.

They're all like the everyman. Yes, okay. And they're not. They're not. Michael McIntyre is probably, he's definitely a millionaire. Oh, yeah, 100%. He could be a billionaire. I don't want to make libel claims here, but it's possible. Yeah, it's possible 100 he could be a billionaire i don't want to make light bulb

possible yeah it's possible that he could be i mean those tours are huge yeah those tours are massive i went to one this is i was a fat like wow so you've been there when i was this is what i mean about comedy that reaches large groups of people i don't or a lot of people i don't think is a problem because that was at a point where I was just getting interested in comedy and he was a comedian and I didn't understand the difference between telling a joke and pointing something out. Right, okay.

But then, so Michael McIntyre was your gateway drug? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. So what is the difference then? Because a lot of comedians all the time are just pointing things out. So it's like, have you ever noticed how funny it is that those cars have got wheels or whatever? Do you know what I mean? And that are just pointing things out so it's like have you ever noticed how funny it is that uh those cars have got wheels or whatever do you i mean it's like and that's just pointing stuff out but i think he's yeah and it annoys me with most of them you don't hear a joke yeah it'll just be like and there's a screwdriver in the drawer i'm honing in on that

joke okay yeah yeah the man draw joke which was like his big breakout hilarious thing that everyone was talking about. Okay, right. Maybe not breakout, but... Yeah. And there'll also be a tape measure. And we've all got one, so it's like a thing. Yeah, we all put our shit in a drawer. Okay, so I will go with you on the fact that it would be extremely painful

to spend any period of time with him. That's the other thing. Yeah. Can you imagine? Like, even as a fan when I went to the show, after an hour, I'm done with this. Okay. I'm tired and he's a very long way away from me

on a stage in a stadium. Yeah. He'd warn me out. Yeah. Oh, it'd be knackering, wouldn't it? Yeah. He would never stop. Okay.

Michael McIntyre. That's there. That would be annoying. Yeah, you've absolutely got that. Okay, but I might have to pull this back from the edge. You're going to have to kill and eat one of them. Who are you going to kill and eat? Oh, okay. That's there. That would be annoying. Yeah, you've absolutely got that. Okay, but I might have to pull this back from the edge. You're going to have to kill and eat one of them. Who are you going to kill and eat? Oh, okay.

That's fine. I guess if I'm there for a long time, I'm going with Michael McIntyre. Yeah. But, and this is a big but, if I want to eat well for a shorter amount of time, I'm going with Miles Teller. Okay.

Because he's somewhat built. Okay. I'm going with Miles Teller. Okay. Because he's somewhat built. Okay. I might just want to be him. That might be it. I feel like... This is going to do a therapy session. It has. Yeah.

Well, if you get anything out of this, then that might be it. I think out of all of them as well, the one I'd want to kill and eat the most. Yeah, okay, fine. Would be Miles Teller. And I feel like Jamie Oliver, you're not going to kill him

because he's going to make... He's going to cook it. He's going to make whoever you kill the most tasty they can be. And I'm not looking forward to eating a person. Yeah.

So having someone who can cook it properly, them properly, is important. Yeah. Yeah. Out of them, though, I do feel like

Miles might be the best at helping you to kill at other things. Possibly, but he's not like a... This is what I mean. Yeah. We'll go back. We'll complain more about Miles Teller now.

He's not like a macho movie star. Right, okay. He's not like an action star. He's not... Zac Efron can get a pass. He can do action films. Okay, yeah, right. And he's somewhat funny.

Yes. And Jason Statham and The Rock and whoever else, they're action stars. Or you have comedic actors who are actually comedic actors. He's not anything. He just sort of sits there. Okay. He's just so mediocre.

Yeah. He's just a guy. He's just got this middle of the road thing. They just cast him as like, that's the guy to be the average dude. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Okay. We can talk more about you wanting to be Miles Tell dude yeah okay all right okay yeah we can talk more about uh you wanting to be miles teller after after we finish you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com.

Okay, so now we're all mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane with some food and drink left over. Unfortunately, it's your least favourite food and least favourite drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? So the food I've got again i'm gonna have to get some context okay i love pizza who doesn't exactly yeah but it's like my favorite food in the world okay pizza all right um and i was thinking i labored over this i really didn't know what food i'd want i wouldn't want there and then I realised the only thing that could ruin pizza for me

is aubergine because I cannot stand aubergine anyone you speak to will attest to this I hate aubergine I don't know why just I don't know

some sort of aubergine related trauma yeah despise aubergine cannot eat it can't eat things that have touched it even

so aubergine alone eat it okay can't eat things that have touched it even so aubergine alone would be bad enough but if you put it on a pizza which is my favourite thing which you're gonna struggle

to make me not eat yeah yeah that would be the worst so aubergine pizza aubergine pizza okay would be the worst

possible thing have you ever tried that aubergine dip it is excellent I'm not trying anything aubergine related really no it's smoky it's tasty it's salty Have you ever tried that aubergine dip? It is excellent. I'm not trying anything aubergine related. Really? No.

It's smoky, it's tasty, it's salty. If you cut up an aubergine into tiny chunks and put it in a bolognese, I'm not eating that bolognese. Wow. What happened? I don't know. It doesn't even taste of much. No.

There's something about the entire... I just don't like aubergines. The texture? The taste. Before? Look before, look after. Wow. Any way anyway it's cooked i really hate aubergine okay i'm a relatively fussy eater but if you put me in a fix i'll eat most things i won't eat aubergine and i genuinely think if you put pizza i know you put a pizza in front of me most of my brain is going that's pizza eat it

if you're on the desert island and you can survive off this forever. I don't know if I could do it. That is amazing. The aubergine is probably the only thing you could put on a pizza that would stop me eating a pizza. Alright. I do like an aubergine though.

You chop it up, put it in a nice moussaka. Do you know what I mean? No, you're not going there. Alright, disgusting aubergines. Are we saying just aubergines or aubergine pizza? Aubergine pizza because I feel like that would be the going there. Okay. All right. Disgusting aubergines. Are we saying just aubergines or aubergine pizza? Aubergine pizza because I feel like that would be the mental torture. Okay.

Yeah. If we're going full torment. Yeah. I mean, aubergine would be bad enough, but aubergine pizza would... What about people's current use of the aubergine emoji? It's always flying about, isn't it? Well, see, this is why I was sort of worried about saying aubergine because I was worried people would think I just like... It's a sexual thing. Yeah. I worried about saying an aubergine because i was worried people would think i just like it's a sexual thing yeah i don't not like aubergine

because of that okay it's been a long-standing thing historical yeah okay all right fair play don't like it can anyone pinpoint the first use of aubergine that upset you i don't think i don't know it might have been from birth i might have just been programmed not to like it just fair enough yeah okay all right aubergine goes in there and what drink what is your horrible drink again thought long and hard about this and i settled on undiluted robinson's uh summer fruit squash oh god yeah all day long that's disgusting yeah just the undiluted cordial yeah okay is it specifically summer fruits yeah kind of because i already not a huge fan okay i think it's too sweet yeah what about um other cordials i think if it was orange there's a chance i'd drink it okay undiluted yeah

you see these two things that you've put forward especially the undiluted squash that sugars are going to keep you going but also just hate that mental torture isn't it yeah okay like squash is drinkable, always. It's got the sugars and whatever in it to make you want to drink it. So even... I'm not a huge fan of summer fruits. Yeah.

But I'll drink it if you give me a glass because I can't help it. I don't think many people can. Yeah. It's just, like, got that smell. Okay, yeah. But it was just the squash. Is it specifically Robinson's?

Well, I mean... Any? I don't know if I've ever had summer fruits. Any. Is it specifically Robinson's? Well, I mean... Any? I don't know if I've ever had summer fruits. Any other? Other than Robinson's. But also, your options are, you're on a desert island, either you're drinking it straight up, summer fruits, undiluted,

and that's not going to make you feel very well, or you're diluting it with salt water. Oh, God. So, yeah, water's going to be in short supply. So you're walking around with this bottle of just, like, sugar, and you can't mix it with anything. That's horrible. And you're going to have to drink it.

Oh, God. Okay. So aubergine pizza and summer fruit sauce. Actually, that combination is making me really hungry and thirsty. But do you know what it kind of sounds like, looking at it now? It looks like the worst children's birthday party ever. Yeah, it does. You'll get, like, a Domino's and some squash for a kid's birthday party ever yeah it does you'll get like a dominoes and some and some squash for a kid's birthday party that's the classic yeah

when i get an aubergine pizza and no water no water oh god okay um all right yeah that's absolutely fine for that bit especially i really hope this doesn't happen to me okay yeah um okay fortunately then well you won't be able to evoke entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck. It only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? The Wedding Planner. Okay, The Wedding Planner. I'm trying to remind myself. Which film is that? Jennifer Lopez, isn't it? Yeah, got you. I'm already there. She is a wedding planner. I'm trying to remind myself. Which film was that? Jennifer Lopez, isn't it? Yeah, got you. I'm already there.

She is a wedding planner, surprisingly. Twist. That's the big twist at the end. She turns out to be a wedding planner. She was a wedding planner all along. She's a wedding planner. Yeah. She gets in an accident of some sort.

Yeah. Not a serious accident, not like Miles Teller. And she gets Saved from the accident by a man She obviously likes the man Because damsel in distress And then She goes back to work

And she starts planning a wedding And it's his wedding But she's in love with him Whatever shall she do What she does is Sorry if I spoil the film But what she does is She ends up with him okay whatever shall she do what she does is sorry if i spoil the film but what she does is is she ends up with him okay she steals the man from the from the wife from the the the bride this sounds like a terrible film can you imagine if you went to a wedding planner

firstly just a completely alien concept who who's getting a full-service wedding? Maybe someone who organises the cake. Do you get any background? What do these people do? To be honest with you, I can't remember. Don't remember. No, don't blame me. Yeah, fine.

It's the kind of film that you would like to shut out of your mind. Yeah, a full-service wedding planner. Yeah. Firstly, just ridiculous. Secondly, what a bitch. Yeah. He's getting married. Yeah. To his getting married. Yeah.

To his wife. Well, how does she do it then? Does she slowly snake him away from her? Obviously, she's the hero. She's the heroine. Can I hazard a guess at something? Go ahead. The bride-to-be is like a bridezilla.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Of course she is. Of course, yeah. So we don't like the bride. Yes, of course. You want him to be with the... And you can see just the raw love

that's happening between Jennifer Lopez and the guy. So, yeah, we're all happy when they end up together. But in reality... Put that in reality, it's a horrible situation. It's awful, yeah. Yeah. It's a bad thing to happen. And on top of that, it's a shitty rom-com.

Yeah. Which I can't stand. quite like richard curtis films i feel like they're that's like a high caliber of rom-com to me dan gave it a dressing down just a couple i know this is sort of why i felt like i had to slip it in okay all right yeah okay come back yeah but no i understand his i understand his his reasoning yeah okay but i like richard curtis films i feel like they're intelligent rom-coms. But a shit rom-com, I can't deal with. So why is this film so big? Because I've heard of it and I vaguely know.

Has it got like Matthew... It might be Matthew McConaughey. I know he's had a McConaughey-sense recently. He has. But the thing is, if it is him, I like him. I like Interstellar yeah

I like him in Wolf of Wall Street yeah very good film Dallas Buyers Club Dallas Buyers Club is really good yeah he's I haven't seen

Magic Mike Exhale but I'm sure he's yeah I'm sure he's great in that yeah okay cool that film sucks and that can go on

the desert island dicks so what is the awful song that you're going to be stuck with for the rest of your life the song I've chosen is See You Again by Wiz Khalifa, featuring Charlie Puth. Do they play it on national radio?

Or is it not a single? They play it on national radio all the time. OK, so maybe I do like this. It's been a long day without you, my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way. That beginning little piano bit is just the most sickening thing. That's worse than Undiluted, Robinson's.

Yeah, it's ill, isn't it? It's horrible. Then you get his awful voice, Charlie Puth, who probably could have been on my list of dicks. So who is this guy? He's just some guy.

He's just like the Miles Teller of singing. He's just a fucking middle of the road guy who sings bullshit. Is he in a band or anything like that? No, he's Charlie Puth.

That's who he is. He's in by himself. People have heard of him. I know people who are properly into Charlie Puth. Okay. Medi peace okay mediocre songs yeah i don't understand these people who just like shape their career around targeting 14 year old girls yeah it's not it's not it's weird yeah and they're singing about shit that 14 year old girls should not be listening to yeah that's true yeah i agree and i think like there's just something so mediocre about it

that it pains me to imagine that it probably took a lot of money and quite a lot of people to make that record. Yeah, exactly. And that was on the soundtrack for Fast and Furious 8. Yes, right. Which the whole film was, I mean, I'm not a Fast and Furious fan. No, okay. It's probably not a surprise based on how I spoke about The Wedding Planner.

Yeah. But it was like the whole film was like a tribute to Paul Walker who died. Right, yeah. I remember that. And that song is, I guess, about that. It's such a shit song. Can you imagine if...

Can you imagine if that was a song that you'd like... Oh, no. From Beyond the Grave, you're just thinking... If you got to the point... Oh, God, this is absolute turgid shit. Exactly. If you got to the point where a song was you'd like oh no from beyond the grave you're just thinking oh god this is absolute turgid shit exactly if you got to the point where a song was

going to be written about you after you die I'd just want it to be anything but that yeah I'd say a good song

for someone after they die is I'll Be Missing You by P. Diddy Diddy that's great notorious VIP that's a really good song

so this is the other thing that annoys me I'm a massive rap fan. Yeah. I love rap. And that's just not good rapping. No. And Wiz Khalifa's not a bad rapper in general.

He's done some alright stuff, yeah. He's done some alright stuff. But that's poor. What's he doing? Shock horror, rapper sells out. Yeah. It's just like it. It makes me so sad.

I expect it to not happen every time. Every time someone gets big. Yes. I heard Kendrick Lamar letting himself down on something the other day. Yeah, I mean... It raps on like a... Oh, God, is it like a Katy Perry song or something like that? There was a Taylor Swift song a while ago about it.

Oh, yeah. I'll be honest with you, I don't mind that. No, okay, all right. Because it's not bad. The rapping's bad. I understand as a rapper, well, you make a lot of money off your music. But there's probably a level of like, you see other pop stars who are probably doing a lot of the time worse music than you

with less originality and less personality. And you see them making a bigger check. And then you get the opportunity to work with one of them and make that money as well. As long as you stay good at rapping on the song, that's not a problem. I don't think, in my opinion anyway, I'm not a rapper, I'm never going to be a rapper, sadly.

Yeah, but you're entitled to your opinion. I mean, I'm a big fan of it. Yeah. I just don't understand why you couldn't write a good song. Yeah. Just write a good song. just do a good rap part yeah do you know what I mean

just because you've only got 20 seconds in it make it just really good no no no it's his whole song he is his song oh it's his song featuring Charlie Puth

oh right okay but either way it's your job because families are well they'll be gad yeah how can we not talk about yeah it's bad

it's a bad song and it's bad production like it sounds like good production but it's bad it's a bad beat yeah it's bad singing it's poor it's bad production like it sounds like good production yeah it's bad it's a bad beat yeah it's bad singing it's poor it's slow it's just crap sorry wiz khalifa and charlie pew that's rubbish and you are going on the desert island that's a great big desert island dick

yeah um finally well the island is overrun with the biggest dick of all the animals and which animal is it? this one's not going to be controversial at all moths moths oh yeah fuck moths fuck moths

moths suck I'm out and they can go on the desert island for any other reasons apart from they're just awful I mean I'm not a fan of insects in general right okay

they're not my cup of tea don't like them do you not think moths are just like ugly butterflies? moths are ugly butterflies ugly butterflies? Moths are ugly butterflies. Yeah, that's perfect. And they ruin your clothes.

Oh yeah, they do. And they're fucking pointless. Moths are the miles teller of the insect world. That's great. They're pointless. They're completely pointless. I understand everything doesn't have to have a specific purpose, like i was

thinking about this maybe wasps but what's pollinate flowers and shit yeah they do yeah what what do moths do yeah moths i mean imagine getting to this desert island and then just everywhere you go it's just moths everywhere oh yeah and that's the other thing imagine a swarm of moth oh god like just like furry There's something about moths as well. Yeah, they're just great. They're, like, too hairy and weird. I don't want a hairy bug. No, that's true.

No. I don't like that at all. And so, like, pulling back your bed cover and there being a moth under your bed. Oh, no, that's... How did it get there? Yeah, it's true. Why is it there?

You weren't there this morning. I made my bed this morning. You weren't there. The. I made my bed this morning. You weren't there. The bed was tight and made. The cover was over the bed. There wasn't any give. Where did you come from? Yeah.

And then you try and get rid of it. You try and sport it away. You end up killing it, getting moth all over your bed. Yeah, because they give off a weird powder, don't they? Yeah. They suck, moths. Probably one of the best moments of my life was I once watched a moth fly into a light and disintegrate. No.

Not a big one. It was a little one. That's like a fabled story, though. I don't know if that actually happened to you. No, no, that genuinely did happen to me. That's great. I promise. Yeah.

One of the worst moments of my life was the same light. It was like a bedside lamp. Had like a net, you know, like a mesh cover. And I moved it and a dead moth fell out onto me. I don't like moths. No, okay, yeah. I can tell, yeah. When you've got hate, Will, you've really got hate.

Yeah, well, this is the thing. I've been trying recently to be a lot more positive. Put out positive energy, you put out what you get back. But I think in my soul, I'm a very bitter, angry person. So doing this was great. Yeah, that's great. Because it was like a channeled focus of all of the negative energy I've just had building up in me.

Just have a think about the shit that you hate and then just... And then record a podcast about it. Give it a slamming. Exactly. Okay, then, Will. Will, to round up, your Desert Island dicks that you're going to be stuck on this desert island with are Miles Teller, Jamie Oliver and Michael McIntyre.

And the horrible food that you're stuck with is an aubergine pizza and Robertson's undiluted summer fruits squash. The film is The Wedding Planner, over and over again for the rest of your life. And see you again by Wiz Khalifa. The island is overridden by moths. All right, well, thank you very much, Will.

Thank you for having me. It's been great. Oh, no, no, thanks for coming in. This has been your desert island dicks.