Desert Island Dicks - ZOE LYONS

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Hilarious episode for you this week, Harriet is joined by one of her comedy heroes - Zoe Lyons! This episode is excellent - as are Zoe's choices.... We now have a Desert Island Dicks Patreon - where you can get episodes a day early, completely ad-free PLUS bonus episodes. Get it all here for the price of a pint: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. I'm Harriet Kemsley and I'm very excited to have a fantastic guest in this episode. We have one of my all-time comedy heroes, Zoe Lyons, and she is very funny. So enjoy the episode and come and see me on tour if you're around this week. I'm in Norwich, Corsham, Bristol, and at the end of the month I've got to run Soho Theatre with my new show, Everything Always Works Out For Me, because last year, it didn't. So you can find tickets for that at HarrietKemsley.com. Follow the podcast at Dick's Pod and give us a little rating, a nice little rating if you are so inclined, we would really appreciate that. And we're very pleased to have a new Patreon. Every fortnight, we're going to do a bonus episode

where me and James talk about our dicks of the fortnight. And we're going to get you guys to send in things that you would put on your desert island. It's really fun. So sign up there, support the podcast and get the bonus episode. And the link for the Patreon is in the description. I'm very excited to be speaking to Zoe Lyons.

Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who are they and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Zoe Lyons. I'm so happy to be here. I've always been terrified that I would get caught on a desert island with a bunch of dicks. Yeah, because I've always wondered what it must be like because you must realise the plane's crashing and you go through the horror of that and then the joy of survival then followed very quickly

by the horror of realising you're with a bunch of dicks in the middle of nowhere. And it must be such an emotional rollercoaster. Yeah. You know those people who ate the other people in the Andes? Maybe they were just dicks. They weren't that hungry. It wasn't that long.

They weren't that long, you know. They were like, should we just start eating the dickheads? So you think the people that ate them, they weren't the dickheads, the people that got eaten were the dickheads? Probably they were the dickheads. They deserved it, yeah. I remember being trapped on a train once for about six hours outside of Gatwick Airport in a mild snowstorm,

but it was enough to bring the entire country to its knees. And I did start to look around the carriage wondering which one I'd eat first. When I told people that I'd been trapped on this carriage, like we didn't move for hours. I was like 30 miles from home, but like six hours it took to get home. And people went, oh, were you the entertainment? Were you keeping everybody amused?

And I was like, I so wasn't. I'm so not the entertainment in those sort of environments. I was working out a kill list. I really liked that you were thinking that because that wouldn't occur to me. And it's kind of mildly concerning to think that somebody on the train would be thinking that at that point because that wouldn't cross my mind.

I reckon five minutes in, my brain goes there. I got there very quickly. If I'm on a plane that's crashing with you, I'm going to panic. You'll be all right, Aaron. You'll be all right. We'll probably be going to some gig somewhere together. We'll be relieved. We'll be relieved that we've seen each other at the airport

and not X number of other comics that we'd be absolutely horrified to have to spend 48 hours with. Okay, so Zoe, who would be the first worst person that you could be stuck on the island with? Right now, it would be Robert Jenrick. He's currently running for the leader of the Conservative Party. But he could be interchanged very easily with any other slightly

sort of gaminy Tory boy. And I just chose him because he's the epitome of it at the moment. He is, after 13 years of Tory rule and sort of, you know, banging on at their conference about a change in leadership and a change in direction, what they've given us is absolutely, if he does become leader, the same. And he's just such a career politician without any – I'm sorry, this isn't very funny,

but he's got absolutely fuck-all humanity about him and I can't stand him. And every time I look at him, I imagine him in suspenders with an orange in his mouth and I can't get that image out of my head because his wife looks like quite a severe dominatrix. And because I've gotten over active imagination, now every time I look at him I have a very vivid bedroom scene and it's not nice.

It's not nice. That's not nice for you. He's very much trying to penetrate his borders and his, oh, he's really, it's appalling. I find him an appalling human being. Yeah. What is it specifically about him that you think? The pastiness.

The, you know when you, you know the skin that looks like when you pressed it, it just wouldn't bounce back quickly. Like a stress ball. He's like a human stress ball in a wig. And that skin wouldn't do well on a desert island. Oh, my God, no, it'd sweat profusely. And I'm a menopausal woman, and that would be sweating heavier than me.

And, you know, I can appreciate the beauty of a man's body, and I know when that was in its sort of loincloth, it would absolutely reinforce the fact that I made the right decisions early on in my teenage years. It's just, I like a manly body and I can imagine that isn't, that just isn't. It would be like Farage in the jungle all over again. And it would burn so quickly. And he'd probably get bitten by a crab and cry.

I hate him. I actually, I've never met him. I just, I hate that band of people, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. That band of people. Yeah, they are completely replaceable. It's interesting because with this Tory leadership race, I just, I feel like it's just been happening in the background. I feel like there hasn't because it's so, it feels so inconsequential right now because it feels like whoever wins

they're unlikely to make it to the time when they might be elected. Yeah, well let's hope so. Mind you, a lot of them are in the moment. I mean, I think I'll replace Robert with any politician ever made me. Any of them. You know,

the state of the world. I got asked to do Question Time recently and I just thought, I don't think I can because it's just so grim, isn't it? And I think the only way that we're going to get out of our current geopolitical crisis is if we replace, let's be honest, a load of silly old duffers with, I think women and children should run the world, but specifically children and specifically six-year-old girls, because they make so much more sense.

Yeah. They haven't had a chance to be tainted by anything. I've got a niece who is incredible. Her brain is just, it's out there. And I was with her and we were coming back, we were on a plane actually, and we were coming back from holiday and I was sitting with her and I said to her, Sylvie, would you like a sandwich?

And she said, no, I don't want a sandwich. She was six years old. I said, but, you know, it's lunchtime, you're hungry, have some of my sandwich. She went, I do not want some of your sandwich, Auntie Zozo. And I said, but it's a really lovely sandwich, Sylvie, I'm really enjoying it. And she just looked me dead in the eye and she went,

what you don't understand is that my taste buds aren't your taste buds. And I went, oh, my God, there's no coming back from that, is there? And that applies to everything on the planet. Yeah. Yeah, she's nailed it. She's nailed it. When it comes to politics, religion, gender, sexual... My taste buds.

Stop trying to force the sandwich on everybody. Don't shove a baguette down anybody else's throat because your taste buds are not their taste buds. Please, everybody. I think she would make a brilliant Prime Minister. I will go door-to-door for her. Yeah, I'd wear a rosette. I think you're right.

I think maybe in the next election it should be like an under-18s. Yes. Under 10, primary school. I think they would do a better job. Actually, nobody over the age of 18 is allowed to vote. That's the way to go, I think. Yes. Because, yeah, I think an unfiltered untainted

but mostly I've met some 18 year olds that are arseholes but mostly unfiltered untainted let them have a go because we're not doing very well at it yeah completely I kind of like to imagine your island is you

and a load of children like your dream island and that is so weird because I'm so not maternal I kind of like to imagine your island is you and a load of children, like your dream island. And that is so weird because I'm so not maternal and I'm so not, I didn't think I was good with kids, but actually I think maybe as I've got older I've realised I'm more mentally in line with them and that is a relief. It's nice to finally find your tribe. Yeah.

And we're all pissing ourselves on a baby. Some of us have accidents on the trampoline. Yep. I've found my tribe. I like very basic food. Yep. Basic food in shapes. Yeah.

Like shapes. Yeah. That's it. That's what life's about. But, you know, when you see a kid and you see the joy that they have and the absolute, you know, they don't worry about, they're not worried about, you know, when you see a kid and you see the joy that they have and the absolute, you know, they don't worry about,

they're not worried about, you know, oil refineries and immigration. They're simply enjoying life. And you think, where does that go wrong? Yeah. Where does that suddenly turn into generic? Generic. What is his name anyway? Generic.

Genetic. Genetic. He's just generic Tory is what he is. But I feel like A lot of them They're like that From a young age Like Jacob Rees-Mogg

It's impossible to imagine Him not being like that As a child I wouldn't want that Six year old in my That one would be kicked out That is a very upright Six year old

Yeah And I think it's just They just are born like it Maybe Yeah because Well they're filtered down The level of nepotism and... The boarding schools.

Oh, and they come and lounge on the benches of the House of Commons like it's a chaise longue. Sixteth. Why don't you? You know, dressed like a little mini-me. Oh, God, I hate them all. I hate them all. They're all useless.

Okay, well, you're getting trapped with them. Who is the second? Any cast member of TOWIE, any of them, they can fuck off. I've spent too much time with people like that. And the reflection from the veneers will burn your eye sockets out. I do always worry about that with veneers, is that if there was an apocalypse or something, when you were stuck on an island, they would fall out

because they're just screwed in, aren't they? I don't know. They're screwed, so you get metal poles put into your mouth. I know. And then they screw them in. And so if they fall out, which they eventually would, then you'd just be stuck with poles. Poles.

And that's not good in an apocalypse. It's not going to look good, is it? It's not going to look good. It then you'd just be stuck with poles. Poles. And that's not good in apocalypse. It's not going to look good, is it? It's not going to look good. It's not going to be useful for you. By the time the Botox wears off and your teeth are falling out, you're just going to look like a sort of semi-melted pita bread. Yeah. My career, if you can call it that, has...

This extended period of winging it has ebbed and flowed. At various times, I found myself in that most horrific position of being both available and affordable. And it does... Yeah, it's so hard to turn things down because there's nothing else and this is more money than i could have made nothing else oh god oh there's two times that has really backfired for me once is when i ended up doing brace yourself celebrity car boot sale with um ann widdicombe and bob Davro. Not even making that shit up.

I tell you where showbiz goes today. It's Bobby Davro's head. How do I get back on telly, Zoe? I had to... Bobby Davro was... We had to sell our own goods at this car boot sale in... Oh, it was so depressing. I can't remember.

It was in a car park somewhere. And he was selling off old props. And some of his old props included a full English breakfast set of costumes. So there was a sausage costume. There was a fried egg costume. There was a bit of bacon costume, and they got me to dress up as an egg and him as the bacon and we had to run round a car park whilst Anne and Riddick watched on.

Oh, so depressing. God. I did Mastermind with Bobby Davro and he kept making the joke, Mastermind? I thought it was MasterChef. I bet he made it more than once, didn't he? Literally three times. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

But bless him, he's an old-school entertainer and he still brings it home. He still brings it home. Whereas cast members of TOWIE that I've had to spend time with, some of them are all right. Actually, some of them are okay, but a lot of it is just... So I ended up doing SAS Who Dares Wins because of the affordability and availability. That's quite brutal.

From everything I've heard, that's a very brutal one. It's beyond a joke. The production company said to me, it's quite involved, so it is quite intense. And I went, I've done Celebrity Car Boots, so Anne Widdicombe, how hard can it be? And it actually is horrific. There were moments where I had to remind myself

I wasn't actually at war and this was a television programme. But yeah, there were a couple of cast members of TOWIE in there who were challenging. Because you're in physically uncomfortable situations and then you're being mentally challenged. Oh, I mean, mentally challenged is the word I was using a lot. Wow. Yeah. It. Yeah. It's amazing. Sometimes I'd love to be that.

What's the word without being disrespectful? What is the word? Wouldn't it be great if your only concerns were how many followers you had, how shiny your teeth were and how big your tits were? And how often you'd been to Dubai. And how lovely it is. Dubai's lovely. Dubai's lovely, isn't it?

If you can turn both eyes against the absolutely evident slavery that's going on to build this adult shithole. And yes, it's charming. I had that from someone from Made in Chelsea. They were like, have you ever been to Dubai? Dubai. No, I've never been. And then they were like, oh, why? And I was like, I don't know if I really believe in it.

I don't know if I could go there and not feel guilty. And she went, oh, but it is lovely for a holiday. Yeah. You don't have to look at the Bangladeshi slaves. It's lovely for a holiday. You don't have to look at the Bangladeshi slaves. It's lovely. The fact they've got an indoor ski resort where the global crisis is going on. What really made me laugh about Dubai was the last time I was there.

I have been there. I'm a massive hypocrite. But again, avoid... Yeah, of course. Yeah, exactly. And I might go there. I was just kind of talking about it, just being like, I don't know.

But they have these... In the hotels, they obviously, as every hotel does now, you know, we're thinking of the environment. Please, could you reuse your towel? I was looking out the window at an indoor ski slope in the fucking desert. I'm like, I don't think my flannel is the problem. I think the fact that you're chilling in quite a big area to sort of minus two degrees in the middle of the sodding desert might be causing more problems to the penguins than my slightly soiled towel.

So, yes, it was that sort of mentality I struggle with. Also, LED lighting under kitchen units unit and they seem to love that. It's not for me. It is fun when it can be different colours though, you know, when it can be purple or blue. It's quite fun. All their houses are grey. Have you noticed this?

Yeah. You see them on the telly. Grey, satiny, velvety grey. Yeah, I always wonder about that. What is that? That's having absolutely no taste whatsoever and not understanding individuality or personality. It's just grey.

With LED lighting. That's when you're more of a test tube than a human being. This is why I think you're getting booked for these shows because I think it's very fun for you. I think I can tell what the producers are thinking. I think I understand it now. Yeah. I don't think they'd be useful on an island.

I don't think they'd be bringing... No, well, some of the implants were, they're buoyant. Good for spearing fish or something to keep afloat, yes. You could try and sort of row ashore. Yeah. Other than that, no thanks. And your third? Wim Hof, he can piss off.

He's caused so much problems in the last few years. Do you know how many people are getting borderline hypothermia in their own back gardens because of that? Bollocks. Do you know how many people are getting borderline hypothermia in their own back gardens because of that bollocks? It's just absolute bull crap. And he's... I never liked him. I never liked him. Well, there are some allegations against him at the moment.

Yes, we don't know if they're... They're just simply allegations. But I think he's got a lot to answer to. The problem is we now live in a world where we're constantly being told there's a better version of ourselves lurking under the surface. I'm such a sucker for it. And it has to be either yoghurt out, Pilates out or ice bathed out.

Ice bathed. Ice bathed. And it doesn't because it's not there. We are already the best versions of ourselves and internally there's just more disappointment, so don't go seeking it. It's insane, absolutely insane. And that sort of culty behaviour that he's got,

he's sort of grown up a sort of cult around him, hasn't he? Yeah. Don't like it. I think it goes back to my early Catholic years and I just don't like any beardy bloke telling me what to do. I agree with that. Do you not feel better sometimes after a cold shower? A little.

And I do appreciate, like, during the pandemic, I had what would probably politely be called a mild nervous breakdown. And so the wheels came off life completely. I really went for it. I had a proper midlife crisis and I left my wife. I lived in a flat and I bought a sports car. Men have been doing it for years. Exactly.

Exactly. My wife and I are now back together. I've got rid of the sports car. I no longer live in the flat. Because one day I woke up and went, this is silly, isn't it? Honestly, in my bedroom, all I had was a pull-up bar. And a friend came around and went, why have you got that? And I went, because I read somewhere you've got to be able to do three strict pull-ups to join the Marines.

And she went, do you want to join the Marines? And I went, no. But I just wanted to see if I could could you chose to be a divorced dad i was a divorced dad exactly that yeah in a very bare flat with a pull-up bar and a porsche key ring it was really tragic but in the middle of the madness i tried to keep myself sane by going swimming in December in Brighton in the sea. And I gave myself low grade hypothermia once. And it was really alarming. It was snowing and it was properly cold. And the thing that you learn about sort of when you're in cold water is it's not just when you're in the water.

When you get out, you still keep cooling down your body temperature drops and i'd said goodbye to my friend and i was all and i was really cold like properly cold and i would get into a bench and just going i just want to sit down and go to sleep and then i thought i can't move my face and i was like, I've got low-level hypothermia. This is what happens. You sort of just want to curl up and go to sleep. It took me about five hours to warm up. I gave myself a fright, actually.

I was like, wow, that's quite dangerous. So, no, you don't have to do that. Just a moderately temperate shower is enough. You don't have to vim off your way running in a pair of shorts barefooted through the Arctic. What a prat. There is, I would say, the Instagram videos of people following him running through the ice. It is a sight to behold. Yeah.

And it's because he's tapped, he's done it very, very cleverly. He's brilliant, you know, brilliant businessman. He's tapped into that human insecurity. And boy, is there money to be made in that? Gold. You know, that's what you tap into. You know, if you breathe like this, stick yourself in a bucket of ice, buy the book, buy the calendar.

A calendar. You know, get the mug. Wim Hof in an ice bath. Oh, you know, spaff off. Wim off in an ice bath. Oh, you know. Spaff off at a few fucking book club things, book festivals. It's ideal, really. I mean, that's sort of what I'm looking for in life.

That's the problem. That's the problem. Everyone is looking for that. You just want someone to tell you what to do. Yeah. And the problem is the people that want to tell you what to do are not the people you should listen to. No, at all. No. Okay, at all. No.

Okay, so Zoe. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, drinks, it's Prosecco. Cases and cases of cheap Proseco warm in the sand oh that cloy feeling it gives you in the back of your throat you're like the thing about prosecco is it's just not champagne

isn't it yes it's like reality versus what you want. I don't want Prosecco. Nobody wants Prosecco. We all want champagne. Yeah. We all want champagne. But Prosecco is where we're at. You know, I just don't like it. And also, as a comic, you'll have experienced this.

Women on a night out in a comedy club on Prosecco, they're the biggest bitches you'll ever meet in your entire life. I'd rather face 20 coked up builders than two women on Prosecco. They're the biggest bitches you'll ever meet in your entire life. I'd rather face 20 coked up builders than two women on Prosecco. I genuinely would. I had my toy show in Newcastle

a few weeks ago and it was in the afternoon at like 4pm at the stand so I thought it would be like quite chilled like a bit subdued maybe but I forgot

bottomless brunch. Oh no. And these women like they were so sweet like they actually were very sweet they just one of them had fallen

down the stairs and they kept heckling but like I love you and like really just like points that didn't help the show in any way

and then afterwards as they were leaving I was standing by the door and one of them got her boob out oh no for like Mick Jagger or something

I was like what is, what is happening? What is happening? Did she want you to sign it? I had these stickers and she wanted to put one on her nipple, I think, and then I gave one to her thinking she'd do that in the privacy of her own home. No. No, she wanted to do it there.

And then the guy at the door was like, yeah, no, I am, sorry, but I will say it is just something that happens in Newcastle. But this is a specific type of drunk. I think Prosecco drunk is your worst. It's the white wine drunk. It's fizzy white wine drunk. Yeah, it makes you your worst self. Like vodka, I can drink and drink.

And I'll be like, have a little pep in my step, I'm fine. Prosecco is, it's like nightmares for me. Yeah, it's like sort of, I don't know, it's like lady crack. I don't know what it is. And there's that sort of, and everything around it, like the fridge magnet fucking on it. You know that, Prosecco o'clock. That. Yeah. Kids are asleep. Prosecco time. That really, yes. Yeah. I don't know what time it is, but it is Prosecco time that really yes

yeah but I don't know what time it is but it is Prosecco time Christ yeah I can't I did drink it for a while

I did I went along with it I was I was I'm going to say hoodwinked by it for quite some time and then one day

I just went like my wife brought home a bottle of Prosecco and I went I fucking hate Prosecco and she went oh me too, why are we buying this shit, I don't know it's like, please just

this is horrible, you know yeah, there's something about holding that glass where you think it's like champagne but it's just not no, even a carver, a savar, I love a savar You think it's like champagne, but it's just not. It's just not. It's not. No. Even a cava, a savar. I love a savar.

I prefer it. Yeah, it's better. Yeah, drier. It's the sweetness of the Prosecco, and that's what gets you with the hangover is the sugar. Yeah. That's what really screws you over. The Italians do many, many things well,

but sparkling wine isn't one of them. And what is the food? A roll mop herring. It annoys me because I always think I should like it and I've tried it so many times and I hate it. Do you know what it is? No, so I know herring but I don't know what roll mop herring means. Right, so roll mop herring is like...

Go into Lidl, you'll see them in a jar. It's like looking at something sort of preserved in a museum shelf. It's like pickled rolls of herring, usually on a stick. Like a lollipop. Like a toothpick, cocktail stick. And you see, I like pickled goods. I like seafood, but I just can't get behind it, I think it's because my stepfather

ate it and he was a challenging man and the smell of them are pretty horrific. It brings back bad memories. Bad memories. Bad, bad food, bad food bad, bad food but it does sort of annoy me because I like the idea of being into sort of Nordic cuisine

because I'm an arsehole. A nice glass of champagne and a bit of Nordic cuisine. I want some Nordic cuisine. I'm going to Copenhagen in three weeks' time and I've actually found myself Googling new Nordic cuisine. Ooh, what's it saying? It's a lot of meat on a stick. And there was quite a lot of herring. I'm like, oh, bollocks. She found myself Googling new Nordic cuisine. Ooh, what's it saying? It's a lot of meat on a stick.

And there was quite a lot of herring. I'm like, oh, bollocks. Yeah. So I'm going to have to eat around the herring. Yeah, herring is quite old school, it feels. It hasn't had a kind of renaissance in any way. I'd say it's a bit like the spams of the world. Yes, I think you're right.

I think it is a bit of a spam. Yeah. The spam fritter of the fish world. Yeah. The roll mop is because it's rolled onto a stick. Is that why it's called a roll mop? Roll mop. I think it's the word mop as well that is like, that's not conducive. It shouldn't be near food.

No, you can't help but put that connection together and go, that's floor juice with fish squeeze that floor of juice with fish please are you okay with fish in general it's just specifically the herring it's specifically the herring it's specifically the roll mop herring

don't like winkles ironically don't like winkles ironically if you have a Fridamur you can have my winkles because I don't like them I think anything

you've got to pull out with a pin is revolting yeah I do quite like a scallop oh I love a scallop yeah I think

because I'm vegetarian but I think they don't have brains apparently and so I feel like I can eat them with no guilt whatsoever Oh, I love a scallop. Yeah, I think it's because I'm vegetarian, but I think they don't have brains, apparently, and so I feel like I can eat them with no guilt whatsoever. Yes. They have all the bits.

Do they not have a brain? Apparently, some vegans will eat them because they don't have a brain, and some vegans won't eat them because they do have a sex, so you know if they're female or male. But I think brain. If they have a brain I won't eat it. Right, okay. That's my thinking. Okay. I'm trying to think

of what else you could indulge. If it has a vagina I will. Okay, yeah. Jelly fish. I don't know whether you can eat jelly fish. They're very smart I think. No, they've got no brain. They've got no brain? No. Oh, I'm thinking of octopus. You're thinking of octopus. Famously very smart. That's why I don't know whether you can eat jellyfish. They're very smart, I think. No, they've got no brain. They've got no brain? No. Oh, I'm thinking of octopus. You're thinking of octopus.

Yeah, famously very smart. That's why I don't eat octopus. I don't eat octopus because they are super smart. Yeah. But I am a hypocrite because I will eat calamari. I'll eat a squid. Not as smart, though, apparently. Not as smart.

It's like you're thinking with eating people, I guess. It's like certain people you would eat, and so I guess you work the same with animals. I guess so. Some people I view as a squid. A rubbery, rubbery squid. So Zoe, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work,

but just your luck. It only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite song. What are they and why? Right, well, song would be Let Me Entertain You. It actually brings me out in hives. Oh my, it brings me out in hives. Oh, my.

It brings me out in hives. Years ago, did you ever play junglers? Are you too young to have done the junglers? I've done some junglers in my time. Have you done some junglers? Yeah, not successfully, but yeah. I don't think anybody's come off the stage there and gone, well, that's that career cemented in the halls of comedy history.

Did they used to play Let Me Entertain You in those days when they brought you up? I've blocked a lot of it out, but I feel like I have a vague memory of that, maybe in Portsmouth. Yes, in Portsmouth. But it became the nightclub. Oh, God.

But there was a real strong under... There was a real strong undersmell of sort of sewage in that comedy club. Human sewage, yeah. Humany sewage. So it smelled like shit. It was shit. And then they brought you on to Let Me Entertain You. And my eyes used to wobble in my head with stress because it was because often the crowd would be up sort of yeah and I'd be stood in the wings going oh god I'm their entertainment yeah yeah and that was it they were on a night out they were on their night out they were about to be clubbing they could entertain themselves but for some reason we were there. Yeah. Interrupting their good time often. Oh, God, I've done some awful gigs in those places.

Nottingham used to be really, really bad and you'd turn up and there would be sort of 30 blokes dressed as Robin Hood. And I've never been very good at dealing with the combative, the nature, you know, when it was much more combative on stage. I never enjoyed it. I used to sit outside junglers and have a little cry before I went in because I'd go through that thing of going, I am their entertainment

and I don't know whether I can do this and they'll have got a babysitter and I'm crying in the car outside because I know what I'm going into um it's really interesting to hear you say that because I never would have thought that about you and I've definitely had that and I know certain I don't I know certain people that find I mean it's especially men that find they like that they thrive off that they want that combat whereas I don't I don't have that in my life I don't want that and I don't want to perform to anyone that doesn't want to see me yeah and so it's really interesting to hear you say that because I never would have thought that oh I struggled with it massively I still do I still struggle with it I am so not equipped for

that side of whatever that bit of stand-up is. I just hate it. And always my instinct when somebody heckled me was just to go, why would you say that? That's mine as well. I once got punched in the face when I was a teenager by this girl. Oh, my God. My friend had got into an argument with her and she punched me in the face and I got up and I just said, I just got punched in the face.

It's not my reaction to fight back. It's just like, I just don't understand it. I can't comprehend it and that's not. And I think now I am much more selective over what gigs I do because if it's not comedy they want, if it is a fight they want or they want that thing, I'm not really, like I like talking to the audience, but I'm not into like a fight.

No, good. And it's good that you recognise that and don't put yourself in those situations. Because I did for so long. Yeah, I did as well. Because you feel like you have to. Yeah. And actually, you know, sometimes it's really distressing. And, you know, they'd have a go at you because you were a woman

or they'd have a go at you because you were a gay woman or they'd have a go at you because you're an older gay woman or, you know, all of those things. And you're like, fuck this. I don't need this. So, yeah, it took me a long time, though, to say. I think it's for a long time. I didn't have enough money.

That's it. You have to go where the money is. You have to go where the money is. Oh, available and very affordable. And it's a problem. Yeah. I think the newer generation, it's much easier to say no to that kind of stuff because of social media and so they don't need it as much and it used to be that you had to go everywhere in the country you had to be able to do every gig and I remember getting into this

argument with this older male comic who said he used to get beer bottles thrown at him and that's what made him really good and I was like that doesn't make you good that doesn't make you funnier it just makes you better at dodging beer bottles. I know. I know. It's such an odd thing, isn't it? Yeah. Because I don't want, I think they wanted that a bit for the next generation. It was like, we went through this, so you have to go through this. But I don't want that for them. I think to be funny, you need to feel kind of peaceful and comfortable.

Comfortable. Yeah, exactly that. I used to rattle through my sets of lines. I used to just, I used to fit 20 minutes into like 11. And all I would do is, because the sound booth was at the back, and you'd say, could I have a light at 18? And you would be looking for that light like a lost sailor in a wild sea. Just like, where's the light?

Where's the light? Come on. Oh, God's the light? Where's the light? Come on. Oh, God, the light. And, you know, the front table would have lost their mind instead of throwing dinner at each other. I can't see the light. I can't see the light. You know?

And then this little red glow at the back. Oh, God, I can go. I can go. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, I hated it. Yeah. I really did., I hated it. Yeah, I really did.

And I... Yeah. And I just won't put my... I just do not want to put myself in those positions anymore. Yeah. At all. You know what, Zoe? You don't have to.

I just won't. You don't need to do that. You don't need to do that. Nobody wants to see you in that position. Oh, my God. They just want to see you having a nice time. I know. Okay, and what about your least favourite film well any rom-com but specifically

at the moment because he flashed up on something I did the other day flashed up on my screen selling magical amulets it's Forgetting Sarah oh yes for a lottery any rom-com can get lost.

So any of those. Do you like a rom-com? I quite like a rom-com. Do you like a rom-com? Yeah, I just like to believe that there's hope out there, you know. I just don't find them funny at all. I just, I struggle with them. And then I struggle with certain people who are in them.

And then the level of acting. And then the script. The script. And again, sometimes I think, oh, is it me? Why can't I just, why can't I enjoy Candy Floss? Yeah. Why can't I enjoy it?

And the truth is it just makes my teeth itch I just don't like it I just don't enjoy it and then I feel like an outsider again and that's why I don't like rom-coms because they make me feel like an outsider again in a world where you already feel like I just don't get this either, this is awful What kind of films do you like?

I don't watch an awful lot of films. But I do like something that's a bit off the wall. What did I watch the other day? Love Lies Bleeding, which is about two lesbian bodybuilders. I've no idea why I watched that. But it goes a little bit David Lynch in places and I quite enjoyed it. I like a film that makes me feel like I've had a spliff, but I haven't had a spliff. Like from Dust Till Dawn?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tarantino's Dust Till Dawn, where you're like, wow, did I did I take some mushrooms? Did I? I love things like that. I really enjoy. Yeah. So probably the complete opposite to rom-coms. Yeah.

And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all, the animals. Yeah. Which animal is it? Panda. Panda? Yeah. Oh, wow. Arseholes.

Wow. Yeah. Absolute arseholes. The social influence The social media influencer of the animal world They are They're always used as the sort of face of wildlife conservation And they do fuck all

To preserve themselves Yeah All they have to do is fart, eat bamboo and attempt to copulate. That's it. And even giving birth is a piece of piss for a panda because a baby panda is the size of a peanut. Are you serious? I'm serious.

I'm serious. I'm totally serious they could pop out a packet at a time if they put their minds to it but they don't because they've realised they're far cuter being filmed on swings

oh you think they know what they're up to oh they're doing it on purpose they're doing it on purpose look at them they know they're doing it on purpose and then we spend millions trying to conserve.

And I just feel sorry for animals that are less attractive. And I think this is probably projection from my point of view, that if you're cute looking, you get all the work. Even in the animal world, they're symmetrical, their faces are symmetrical, people like looking at them, they're cute, they're pretty, they get all the fucking work, you know. Whereas a blobfish struggles. You think they're like the Tauis of the animal kingdom.

Yeah, they're the complete Taui of the animal kingdom. They're just too, I mean, they do nothing for themselves. Yeah. They do nothing for themselves. Have you seen the news story? It was a few weeks ago of the zoo that I think

they didn't have any pandas but they got like a panda sign and so they dressed these dogs up as pandas. Brilliant.

I can't recommend it enough. These dogs look so confused. Yeah. And nothing like pandas. That's the power

of the panda. Everybody wants a panda. I think panda politics is still going on. I think China have just sent some pandas to America. They're probably stuffed full of recording devices, aren't they? They know what they're doing. There's dogs inside those pandas.

It's like a dog inside a panda inside a dog. It's a Russian doll panda Chinese diplomat thing. It's, yeah, I just think they take up a lot of time and space and don't put a lot of effort in. And I think there are other worthier animals on the planet. Okay. Yeah.

They're going on your island. Yeah. God, what an awful place. You've created it for yourself, Zoe. Oh, God, this is where the centre park's at half term. Oh, God. Zoe, thank the centre part of the half term. Oh, God. Zoe, thank you so much for coming on. And what are you up to at the moment?

Oh, so little. I'll be dressing as a panda in order to try and get more work. A panda with massive veneers. I'm going out on tour as of February. So February through to May, I'll be on tour with my show Werewolf, which is about releasing the animal within, which I hope is not a panda. But, yeah, I'm doing that. And I think that may be my last tour.

I think that might be the last time I go out on tour. Because, again, it's a point of sort of recognising what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy. And I've just discovered I don't really enjoy service station sandwiches. And that's largely what a tour is about. I think people have this really funny idea of what comedians on tour is. They're like, do you have like a little bus? I'm like, no.

So often they think there's a bus. There's no bus. I'm on, no. So often they think there's a bus. There's no bus. I'm on a bus. It's not my bus. Maureen from number 15's also on the bus. She's used a bloody OAP card. No, it's quite lonely. It's quite isolating. And I

think, I'm looking forward to doing this tour and I think we'll leave it at that. Yeah. Well, everybody, you need to go and see Zoe. She's one of the best stand-ups in the country and that feels very sad that it might be your last tour, but also I want you to be happy.

So you need to do what you're going to do. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. Get an allotment. Could you do stand-up at your allotment? I could. I probably could. Around an empty barrel with a fire in it to the locals with fingerless gloves. That's where I see my career going.

Bobby from down the road showing me his onions or whatever. Let's see him in giant onions. I'd love to grow giant onions. I want to be part of the community, Harry. That's what I want to do.

I want to be just part of the community. I think you can do it. Thank you. Where can people get tickets for your tour? Oh, everywhere. They're really available. They're massively available. They're on my, what do you call it, website.

Thank you. they're on my what do you call it website thank you yes go to my Instagram which is Zoe Lyons comedy I think it'll be changed to Zoe Lyons allotment after May

and or my website www.zoelions.co.uk and all the tickets are on there thanks so much for coming on Zoe it's been an absolute pleasure

although this island is going to be quite tricky. Yeah, you've created a real terrible place for yourself. I have. I've SimCityed my way into madness.