Desert Skies - Chapter 1 - The Flavor of Life

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

Meet Lawrence Cobb. He leaves a mediocre life behind to embark on a journey across the celestial spheres. But first, there's one last stop he has to make. Will Lawrence reach his destination, or is he destined for an eternity in the freezer section? Join Club 86 Visit our Merch Store Join the Discord Visit our Website Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For the best listening experience, headphones are recommended. Hello there. Hello there. if you don't mind waiting just a moment while we get ready. while we get ready. We're actually trying something new. We're formalizing our process. So this is an exciting time to be here.

I've actually written something up. So I think it's, I'm pretty proud of it. It's cool. Where am I? Please hold all of your questions until the presentation is complete. Everything will be answered in time. Okay, I think, I think I'm ready. you may approach the counter.

Welcome to Desert Skies, Traveler. Your journey through the physical plane has come to an end. But we are so glad you're here. And I know what you're thinking. Where is here exactly? I'll do my best. to explain. Desert Sky's astral plane fuel and service station

exists on the lowest sphere of existence between life and death. Or as we like to say around here, between life and the next life. Yeah. You have no more reason to be afraid. No more reason to fret, nor worry. Whatever your needs, we are here to help.

My colleague here is the mechanic, or Mac, for short. Yo. It is his job to service your vehicle in preparation for the journey across the celestial spheres. I am the attendant. Or attendee, for short. I told you not to call me that in front of the travelers. Well, I think it puts them at ease. I'm trying to create an air of mystique.

Yeah, well, that's stupid. Yeah, well, nobody asked you. Um, what, what, what's going on? Like I said, I am the attendant. It is my job to ensure you have adequate provisions and are well instructed in navigating the journey through the celestial spheres. Now, let me tell you about a selection of products available and any associated promotions. One second here. We have all of your road trip favorites.

Chips, sodas, sunflower, seeds, pickled pigs' feet that induce devastating degrees of sadness. It's a trip. That's Max favorite, actually. It's just nice to feel something. Before hitting the road, how about one last trip south of the border? We have an impressive selection of over 34. varieties of microwavable burritos. Everything from breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, dessert, and various other flavors. Right now, if you grab three, you'll receive a portable microwave

to take with you on your journey. It has a little cigarette lighter adapter. Hell of a deal if you ask me. Are you dealing with the regret of never, having accomplished anything significant in your life. Punish yourself appropriately with some flamen hot Cheetos. Enough, enough. Turn off the music. What's wrong? Was I reading too fast? That's fine. I can start over.

Where's the rewind? No, no, don't do it again. Look, I need some answers. Five minutes ago, I'm sitting at home eating a plate of toast to waffles. Next thing I know, I'm driving down a deserted highway than pulling into a gas station in the middle of God knows where and you start reading off some brain-melting specials of the day with Gimley here. I just want to know what's really going on.

Give it to me straight. Am I high right now? Possibly, but that's irrelevant. You're here because you're dead. This is your last stop on your way to the Great Beyond. It's our job to make sure you're prepared for the ride. Uh-huh. And what if I don't believe you? What if this is all just some kind of sick dream, huh?

Some elaborate prank. Look, I understand. This experience can be jarring. Especially if your death was sudden or unexpected. I can't remember, but I probably went through the same emotions you're experiencing right now. For the sake of argument. Let's say you're telling me the truth. What's to keep me from driving back the direction I came from, huh?

Hightailing it back to my living room. No pun intended. There's nothing keeping you from that. I mean, we can't stop you, but I don't recommend it. Yeah, and why's that? Microwaveable burritos. What? What is that supposed to mean?

I'll show you. Come on. Follow me. Our microwavable burrito selection. Currently, there are 34 varieties. If you drive back the way you came, there's going to be 35. Here, take a look at this package. What do you see?

Says Gutbuster brand microwavable burritos. And there's a face, lady with red hair. Alice's Chicken-a-King style. Read the back. Okay. This delicious microwavable snack is dedicated to Alice McDougal, who attempted to return to the physical realm and retrieve her beloved cat Wallace. We honor her brave effort.

What the hell is this? Just keep reading. In accordance with the governing rules of the astral plane, the full essence of this individual's existence, desires, purpose, and romantic history has been meticulously crafted into this artisan-style, Dorito, tastes the flavor of life. So there's ground-up lady in here? Uh, no.

God, no. That's disgusting. Um, this isn't her physically. It's the flavor and texture of her existence. Which apparently tastes like diced chicken and a cream sauce. It's, it's actually pretty good. Congratulations, friend. I've heard some crazy shit in my life, but I've never heard.

heard anything like that. But you know, I bet I'd be chicken. Some kind of chicken burrito. Why do you say that? Saw it on one of those placemats at a Chinese restaurant. I was born in the year of the chicken. I think you mean rooster.

Really? I always thought it was chicken. I think I'd rather be a chicken than a cock, you know? Oh, God. I need a cigarette. You got those? Huh? A brand that doesn't taste like devastating sadness

or contain the essence of someone's great grandma? Here, have one of mine. Thank God, something I can actually use. I know these things are awful for you. I'm not sure you got to worry about that anymore. Come on, buddy. Let's take a look at that car of yours. That's the other thing.

I don't even own a car. Then boom, I'm suddenly cruising down the highway in a Buick Skylark. That's one hell of a car. Sure, I'm not complaining. But that's not my automobile. And this isn't my beard's natural color. Yet here we are.

Come on. Let's get you road ready. Hey, Nintendo. Or whatever your name is. You really telling me I'm dead? It's attendant. And, yeah, you are. Sorry, friend.

Well, ain't that just a kick in the pants. One more question. This place, at the end of the road. What's it like? Is it nice? Yeah, it's real nice. Huh. That's good to know, I guess.

Look, come back and see me before taking off. Okay? Whatever you want, Lord of the underworld. Hey, cash register. Hello, attendant. How can I be of service? I always tell people that what lies at the end of the road is a nice place. You excel at putting our travelers at ease, attendant. Um, yeah, sure, but what if it's a lie?

I don't know if it's nice or not. For all I know, it could be a plane of non-existence. I would assume that even a state of non-existence is better than having your essence converted into a microwavable burrito. Yeah, maybe, I don't know. A lot of people like burritos. Attendant, as you know, I'm incapable of lying. So you've told me.

But you're not. I can't say for certain, but I believe that if given the ability to provide comfort to frighten travelers, able to travel but one direction, I would allow myself to express confidence that they are headed towards a nice place, regardless of my uncertainty. You really think that's okay? Attendant. I am just the computational assistance and service help register, but logic leads me to believe,

but the existence of desert skies, an astralplane fuel and service center dedicated to the comfort and safety of travelers embarking on their final journey. Well, it seems to me, that level of intentional care would denote a certain amount of goodwill on the part of our superiors. Our superiors. I don't even know who they are. Do you cash? I'm sorry, attendant.

But as I've told you, 473 times, I'm unable to speak to that subject. Unable or not allowed? Is there anything else I can assist you with, attendant? Um, play some music. You got it. Mood? Hmm. Let's do contemplative.

I'm going to be able to be. Well, he's all set. Where is he at? Dude's just sitting in his car with his head resting on the steering wheel. I'd ask what gives, but it ain't like I'd never seen it before. I told him to come back in here. What's his story anyway? Jeez, I haven't even ran the report.

Cash register. How can I help you attend it? Request a traveler bio for... Oh God, I didn't even ask his name. I got that from him at least. Name's Lawrence Cobb. Requesting traveler biography for Lawrence Cobb. All right, let's take a look here.

Lawrence Cobb, age, um, 42. Looks like it was the toaster waffles that did him in. choke to death watching television when i die that's how i want to go yeah well um you are dead so there's that and what you you want to die uh choking on frozen breakfast foods watching tv you're judgy you know that anyway um born and raised in new york manage the electronics counter at a department store mm-hmm fascinating stuff but you know what I want. Yeah, I know.

There you go, you sick little man. Embarrassing childhood memories, God I love these. Look, in fourth grade, choked on an ice cube at lunch and threw up all over the table. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. How do you even do that? Hmm. Says his wife died. Her name sounds so familiar.

Deborah Cobb. Debra Cobb Debra Debra Cobb Cache, do you have a record of a Debra Cobb who was married to a Lawrence Cobb? Indeed.

Deborah Cobb Age 36 Sudden Death Brain aneurism Jesus, that's so young. We have so many people come through here, Tendi. What makes you think you'd remember some random woman? We must have had 20,000

thousand Deborah's at desert skies in my time, and at least a handful of Deborah Cobbs. I don't know. Some people just stick with you, Mac. Yeah, I guess that's true. There is that one guy who crapped his pants dancing to. You're the one that I want during a school play. I still got the report pinned up in my shack. You can't make this stuff up. No, you can't. I think I'm going to check on our traveler. Mr. Cobb? Go away, Nintendo. I just want to talk, real quick.

Give me 30 seconds. Please, Mr. Cobb. Stop calling me, Mr. Cobb. My name is Lawrence. Hey, Lawrence, buddy. You've been out here a while. and we're getting kind of worried about you. Worried about me?

What's there to worry about? I'm already dead. Dead is such a weighty word. You left a physical plane. So what? It's just one plane of existence. This is another. And down that road is another.

And that's your destination. That's the next life. Yeah, well, if it's so great, why haven't you driven? down that road, huh? If it's so wonderful, what are you doing out here in the plane of God knows what, hawking burritos with people in them? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? You're dead too, right? You must have pulled in here just like me, but you stayed. You're right. I mean, I assume that's what happened, but I don't remember a time when I wasn't

working here, when I wasn't the attendant. I don't remember my life on the physical plane or my real name. I have no idea who I am or even how I died. Jesus, that's messed up, guy. So what's to keep you from going now? Get in the car. Come on, we'll go together. I know I'd feel better if someone was with me, you know?

I'm sorry, Lawrence, I can't. Why not? Because I like what I do. It may not seem like much to you, but to me, it's everything. It's all I've ever known. Do you know how many Lawrence Cobbs I've had come through here? People like you who get behind that wheel and can't seem to turn the key? And 99.9% of the time, I get them down that road.

I save them from the burrito plane of existence. I helped them move on. It might not be so bad being a burrito, you know. A lot of people like burritos. This is true. You know, I had a wife who died three years ago. I couldn't do anything without her. Ever since she's been gone, my life's just been one pointless day after another.

She might be up there too, huh? Down that road? How could I not realize that? Tell me, did a Deborah Cobb ever come through this place? She did. Well, well, okay. I'm going to get to see her again. Come inside, Lawrence.

Let's get you what you need. Hey, you got any of those corn chips shaped like a dunce cap? Indeed, we do. And you didn't do nothing weird to it. No need. Those things are weird enough on their own. So go ahead and take a look around the store, Lawrence, and meet me at the counter when you're done. Thanks, but I can't buy none of this stuff. I don't even have my wallet.

Then how in the hell are you planning to pay for all that astral grade fuel I just pumped into your Buick? We don't take kindly to thieves around here. Hey now, wait just a minute. You didn't say nothing about no payment. I mean, what would you guys even do with money? Nothing at all. Mac is just being an ass hat. Yeah, I'm just messing with you, buddy. Nobody's got money this side of the physical rail.

You know what they say. You can't take it with you. When you go, yeah. Like I said, just grab whatever you like, and I'll be waiting for you, right here. Oh, and don't forget to grab a map. They're on that rack over there by the burrito freezer There's only one main road that you'll need to stay on

But there's some interesting sites along the way you might want to check out Oh also it gets cold once you get past the Martian sphere So it would help to grab a... No no no no what's wrong My Debbie What about her? I told you She's been through here Lawrence She didn't go down that road

She tried to go back What are you talking about? Come see for yourself. See what? That's her face. Right there. Debbie's waffle-stuffed burrito. Let me see.

It says this delicious microwavable snack is dedicated to Deborah Cobb, who attempted to return to the physical plane for her dear husband, Lawrence. We honor the sacrifice she made in the name of love. Damn it. I knew I remembered that name. My wife, the only reason I ever had for living, is a burrito. Oh, a lot of people like burrito. Okay, I should shut up.

No, you're right. A lot of people like burritos. But I loved this one. And she's gone. For a second there, I thought there really was a chance we could be. together again. I'm so sorry, Lawrence. Okay, sirrah, sirrah.

Could I have a moment alone, fellas? Of course. Mack? Coming. Poor guy. I can't imagine what he's feeling. The thoughts that have to be going through his head right now. And to think that if his wife could have just waited,

they'd be together now I wonder what it feels like Mac to miss the physical plane the people you left behind I remember things about the physical plane real general things telephones, TVs, wars placemats at Chinese restaurants

but I don't remember me The only me I remember is the me at Desert Skies. I've asked Cash to request a bio so many times I've lost count. And every time she says the same thing, I'm unable to submit bio request for current staff. I know I've asked you before, Mac, but you don't remember anything else about me when I got here? Just the same stuff I told you before, Tendi.

You showed up? Got out of the car, walked past me like I wasn't even there, dead silent. You went inside. I started prepping your vehicle for the journey, and when I went to tell you it was ready, you were already standing behind the counter. The old attendant had slipped out the back and took the car meant for you. I guess he was finally ready to hit the road. Funny thing is, I never got back.

Come here. Look at this. What's he doing? chewing was that in his hand that my friend is Deborah Cobb the full essence of her existence desires purpose and romantic history meticulously crafted into an artisan style burrito well I'll be damned I've never seen a man sob and eat a burrito at the same time I have you said you Never mention that again.

Hey, fellas. Hey, Lawrence, you all right? Yeah. You know what? I am. I think I'm ready to go. You don't have anything. Don't need anything. You don't have to, but are you sure you don't want to grab some snacks for the road? At least let me grab you a map. No need. I ain't stopping.

Well, okay then. Sounds like you're ready. I'll ever be. Thanks, fellas. For everything. And that was the last time that we ever saw Lawrence Cobb. As his taillights faded into the distance, we were reminded of the power of love and its ability to cause wandering souls to find resolve perhaps each one of them give it a rest Mac look he's turning around maybe he's coming back for something I don't think so he's not slowing down And there he goes. Nothing you could have done, Tindy.

I really thought he was going to make it. Who's to say he didn't? Seems to me like he made it exactly where he wanted to go. The freezer aisle. Come on, Tendi. We got a 35th variety now. Let's see what it is. We're going to need a bigger freezer. You go ahead. I'm going to submit my traveler report.

Hey, Cash. Hello, attendant. I'd like to submit my traveler report for Lawrence Cobb. I am ready to capture your report. Another traveler has come and gone. Lawrence Cobb never departed for his trip across the celestial spheres. It seems that he found a reason to head the other direction. It's different this time, though.

he wasn't trying to return to the physical plane, at least as far as I can tell. He knew what the outcome of driving that direction would be, and that seemed to be his intention. To follow the path that his dearly departed Deborah had taken just three years before, I hope he found what he was looking for. That's the end of my report, Cash. Pensive and succinct attendant. Will you be needing anything else? Yeah.

It's probably time we requested a second freezer. 34 varieties of microwavable burritos is just about all we have room for. Looks like you're not up to 35 varieties just yet, bud. What do you mean? Here you go. Look for yourself. Lawrence and Debbie's Chicken and Waffle-stuffed Burrito? Uh-huh.

And read the back. This delicious microwavable snack is dedicated to Lawrence and Deborah Cobb. Whose love for one another transcends the boundaries of the known plains. May their essences enjoy an eternity of artisanal bliss together. Taste the flavor of love. Another traveler. Looks like it's time to get back to work. I'm going to be able to.

Thank you.