Desert Skies - Chapter 30 - The Wrong Paws

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

A bear and a metal man are wreaking havoc on the Forest Sphere, causing a ruckus, disturbing the locals, and pissing off Jerry the beartending Sphere Mover (Not to mention a Doug...or two...or ten) It's up to the team to figure out how to restore order to the Forest Sphere! Links ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join Club 86⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Visit our Merch Store⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Visit our Website⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Socials:⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Bluesky⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Facebook⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and the⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Discord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Credits Desert Skies is made by Jared Carter. He does voices, and writes, and edits the sounds and stuff. The show is Executive Produced by Michael Freiberg. He's the one who makes sure people hear it. Thank you to early listeners, Kelly Cusack and Jerad Hinds, for providing quality and continuity checks for this episode. Music Featured This Episode Sight of Summer 89 - Colors of Illusion Now That's an Alarm! - Harry Edvino Amamiku - Rina Rinoa Brain Fog - Stationary Sign Dreamweavers (Instrumental Version) - Sven Lindvall Someone There - Victor Lundberg Only in the Dark - Rasure Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The trailer that you're about to hear is for an amazing and award-winning podcast that I love called We Fix Space Junk. It's the story of Kilner, a smuggler, and Samantha, a socialite refugee who are in over their heads in debt. Their main aim in life is to survive long enough, just long enough, to reach the next job, jobs which may or may not require straying outside the confines of the law. They traverse the galaxy together while encountering strange beings and taking on big challenges, whatever it takes to stay alive. The characters, the story, the acting, it's all so wonderfully done, and I know you're going to love it. There's absolutely a reason why this show has gotten over 2 million downloads.

Season 4 just started, so it's a great time to catch up. We Fix Space Junk. find it wherever you listen to podcast. When Kilner accepted the job of smuggling escaped heiress Samantha Trap across the galaxy, she expected the job to be over and done with quickly, but now they're stuck with each other and they have a job to do. Think about Tomnacon as a sort of student loan company.

You take a loan from them and then they own you until you've paid it off with interest. ReFix Space Junk is a sci-fi sitcom from Battlebird Productions, Featuring, Traveling by Cryo Don't worry if you feel like you're drowning. That's perfectly normal. Wait, what? Aliens.

Greetings, visitors. AIs. Dad, how do I do air? You're already doing it automatically. Calm down. And, of course, thrilling and exciting missions in outer space. We Fix Space Junk is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts.

Season 4, releasing now. Edgar said to the interviewer, he was convinced that the thing out there wasn't a vault at all. Yeah, I know what he thought. Dr. Eggers didn't think it was designed to keep things out. I know what he thought. He thought it was designed to keep something in. Do you even understand the difficulty trying to keep a face like Fathom at the bottom of the ocean from killing everyone in it on a daily basis?

Oh my God. Everyone hold on to something. I think whatever is on the other side of that door out there, it's not friendly. I think it's trying to get out. That, my friend, is a dire combination. That's a bad sign. Get out of the door. It's spreading like some kind of technological contagion.

We can either stop it here or watch the world burn. Fathom, the first season of listen wherever you get your podcasts. Or learn more at derelictpodcast.com. Hi friends. Travelers. Skylarkians. Welcome to Chapter 30 The Wrong Pause

So listen Now through July 6th I'm running a very special limited promotion Join Club 86 And you'll get a custom sticker It's 8-bit style It's glittery It shows the station

And it says all my friends are either dead Or demigods It's 2 by 2.5 inches It's gonna come with a handwritten Heartfelt Letter of Thanks from yours truly. That card is going to be space-themed. The envelope is going to be sealed with a little planet sticker.

Just head to patreon.com forward slash desert skies for a preview of that. If you're already a member, you have the option of purchasing the sticker directly through Patreon, and all you got to do is join or upgrade before July 6th. And maintain membership for at least a month from the date of joining or upgrading. That's it. I'm not going to tell you everything Club 86 has to offer. offer this time because you already know. But I will mention that the first episode of the exclusive five-part miniseries,

meanwhile back at the station, is available today. And another exclusive series is launching July 2nd. I'll announce that later. Those exclusive series will be available at the traveler tier and above. Just go to patreon.com forward slash desert skies or visit the link in the show notes. Now I want to thank some of our new Club 86 members, who are Franzy, minnie muff John Dicissus Blue Crow Florida Man R Brackham Charlie Keshmore Tiff and Ben Babbs Chelsea Martin Quibble Porter Stowers Casey Eric from Spain seaweed brain

E Danielle Parker Kate Ragnar Taylor Drew Ruben Eden Probster Dr. Ava Maddox is our cat Melissa Bravo Kyle Sweeney Ravi Jacob Clark and Christy. If I didn't read your name this time, don't worry. It's because of when I recorded. That will be in the next episode. Thank you. You guys make the show happen. Last but not least, Desert Skies is on Instagram, Facebook, Blue Sky, and Discord. Find links to our socials in the show notes. This episode was made by a human for humans and coyotes for the best listening experience. and human-made art are recommended.

Look, mechanical engineer, Doug. It's not like Doug is saying that I can't appreciate the attractive designs and features of the eight-track players I've owned. I mean, Doug will never part ways with his Panasonic Dynamite 8 in detonator Red or his Panasonic Model CQ880s, which Doug could use to listen to Desert Skies FM.

when I was at home. It's just that Doug finds compact cassettes to be superior in this age of increasing music catalog availability. This is all very interesting, Assistant Radio Shack, Doug. It's just that I believe the question asked was if you'd remembered to bring along your tension meter. Radio Tower Doug says we needed this time. Of course, Assistant Radio Shack, Doug. brought his digital tension meter.

That's the whole reason we had to go back to the truck. Just making sure you can trust me. Look, here it is. Just like I told you, we carry all kinds of products at Radio Shack. We're your one-stop shop for all kinds of electrical needs. If we don't have what you're looking for, we might even be able to order it for you. Which was the very case with this gorgeous. digital tension meter. Look at it. Here, I'll hold it up so you can see it in the moonlight.

Hey, that's mine. Was it Cash? Doug hasn't seen her in ages. It didn't sound like Cash. And as all Dougs know about her character and valor, stealing simply isn't something Doug would believe her capable of. She's a hero. back to the site so we can report this. That's it. That's it. Bring it in. Yep. Just like that.

Nice and easy. Watch your head, construction worker dog number one. I'm construction worker dog number three. Construction worker dog number two wants to know when break time is. I'm getting a little peckish, but we just ate. Well, well, well, it's about time you dogs got here. Radio Tower, Doug, we gotta tell you something. That dog gas, you forgot the digital tension meter, didn't you?

No, sir, we remembered it. It's just that while we were walking back from the truck, we were robbed. Robbed? Robbed, sir, by a bear and a robot. You guys are pulling Doug's leg. You Doug's just forgot the digital tension meter again. Sir, mechanical engineer Doug wouldn't lie.

It really happened. And has assistant Radio Shack Doug ever lied to you? Yes, in fact, you have. You oversold Doug on the available coverage of the cellular service you influenced me to purchase. I was just reading from the script. Hey, don't touch that. You're going to get somebody hurt. No, don't come.

Are you okay? What happened? was a bear. They took some cable cutters and snapped our support wires. Looks like you, Dugs, were telling the truth. My apologies. What do we do now? We pursue. Come on, Dugs, follow that bear. Any other secret you're holding on to? BOMS you plan to drop along the way. Maybe. Can you just do that now and save us all the trouble of waiting and worried anticipation? No. Well, then at least give us a break from any more surprises. Okay, Corson, no more surprises for...

Hurry, they're gaming on us. What in the hell is that? Bidges, I'm going home. No, you're not. Like Nani said, what in the hell was that? A bear, a robot, and a bunch of dugs. Was that bear and robot laughing? Maniacly.

And mechanically. Well, let's start with this. That bear and that robot are, obviously the ones that have been giving the fishers a hard time. Cash, do you have any idea what a robot is doing on the forest sphere? I might have some idea. We'll come back to that. Does anybody know why there might be a bunch of dugs on the forest sphere?

Hmm. Yeah, they are on vacation. So Mac has no clue. Cash, is there a secret dug commune on the forest sphere perhaps, or... This one's a complete mystery to me, Tendi. Here comes one of the little guys. I wonder which one it is, maybe like a... Donut Doug? Even if it was donut Doug, he wouldn't have his donut making supplies with him,

and I seriously doubt he's carrying donuts around in his pocket. I mean, you carry donuts around in your pocket? That's different. That's in case my blood sugar gets low. You even know what blood sugar is? Of course I do. The higher your blood sugar, the less sugar you crave. Hello, bitch. Are you here to explain what we have just witnessed? Well, I thought I saw you guys. I wasn't expecting to Run into celebrities. We got the attendance, Corson, and Assistant Radio Shack Doug's absolute favorite superhero, Cash. And me.

Oh, yeah, I think I remember you. Were you the one that came into Radio Shack and got donut powder all over our electronics? Uh, no. Oh. It's good to see you, Assistant Radio Shack, Doug. It's good to see you, Cash. Rumor had it. You were gone.

Something about being a human. in a coma and waking up on the physical plane? Obviously, they were wrong. It's a long story. I mean, that's kind of like 95% of the story. Doug, what's happening? Your guess is as good as mine, Cash. Tell us what you know about the robot.

So, remember how I use the cash units to help rebuild the highway? Doug remembers when you guys came through. It was quite the sight. I could control them like an extension of my body. It made the work we did quick. The industrial sphere kept the asphalt coming, and I and my non-sentient companions paved the astral plane in no time. Because there's no time here. Um, when we paved everything all the way through the 33rd sphere, I returned them to the industrial sphere.

The 32nd sphere. Right. He faced us, the sphere mover. He wanted the other cash units disassembled, some parts repurposed. The frames melted down. Now, I consider myself a fairly logical person. I shouldn't have had any problem with the industrial sphere repurposing those units, but it felt wrong. They had been a part of me.

Co-workers, companions, I couldn't stand the idea of them being torn apart. So I shared that with the Prime Mover, and he spoke with Hefacesus, and it was decided that they would do their best to reprogram those units for different purposes. Construction workers, delivery units, non-scentient, autonomous cash units. They hadn't had a whole lot of luck creating autonomous cash units, but, Hephastus assigned their best engineers to the task. And? And it looks like maybe that resulted in some problems. At least one.

Hopefully just one. They made a prankster robot. It's unlikely that they could make a prankster robot. Then how do you explain those two? They wouldn't make a prankster robot, but they would make a robot that responds to commands. Without the right safeguards in place, anyone could get the robot to do what they want.

You're saying the robot isn't the problem? It's just a tool. So it's the bear. So are we getting involved in this? I'm sure the dogs could figure this out on their own. I appreciate the vote of confidence, but we're tiny. And the chances of us catching those two are really tiny. Why are you guys out here anyways?

Unite the spheres! What does that mean? Unite the spheres. You haven't heard? Can't say as we have. It's an astral initiative. Take Desert Sky. F.M., for example. Do you guys have any idea how popular that show is on the Sphere of Dog?

I mean, I'm not surprised. It's pretty amazing. It was pretty amazing. Have you tuned in since Greg took over? No, actually. We haven't. Here, I have my portable radio. Listen. And that's how my friend Samantha got her bachelor's degree in communications, even though she went back to school a little later in life. It just goes to show you, quitting is not the way. Of course, the day she graduated, she died.

Hey, speaking of not quitting, did I ever tell you guys about the first time I got a northern bike? I'm sure I probably did, but a story worth telling is worth telling twice. As I remember, I woke up, probably around 6.42 in the morning. or maybe it was 643. Anyways, I woke up, I put on my favorite... No, you know what, I think it was 640... First off, why is he even on the radio?

What are you guys even doing out here? Let's talk about that after you tell us what you're doing. We're putting up radio towers. Up to this point, the only stations available have just been music and other audio media housed in the library of the sphere of industry. It's fine, but here on the astral plane, we don't want to just hear stuff made on the physical plane.

We want our own radio stations. Astroplane FM, Unite the Spheres. Unite the Spheres. It's an astral initiative. We've been putting up these towers on every sphere. Now you'll be able to hear live music from the space. long pause or find out what new stores there are on the sphere of Doug or well you'll see the way we see it we're so isolated in our spheres what if we started working as a team the afterlife's

better when we're in it together don't you think i rather like this initiative whose idea was it Sphere mover Dougs. He was so inspired by you guys. You, well, you take chances. This is us dogs taking a chance. This is the last sphere we're installing a tower on. Astroplane FM. I like the sound of it.

Oh, it'll give us something to listen to in the car. We must stop those troublemakers. Where do we start? I have a plan. Cash, you're the fastest and strongest person here. Catch that bear. and if you're able to, disable that other cash unit until we can find out what's going on. When you find them, do you have a way to signal where you are?

Yes, I'll amplify a sound you can locate me with. Great. Mack, you and I can follow that sound. We'll need you to speak to the bear. Try to get him to stop. Nani, you and Corson head back to the long pause. Corson, talk to Jerry and see what he knows about this rogue bear. Okay, but what am I doing?

I can't talk to Jerry. I would just feel better if we're impairs. We've only been on this trip a little while, and it already feels like everything is working to split us up. I agree. The afterlife's better when we're in it together. Isn't that right, Doug? Right, you are, Cash. But you forgot about me. Who am I going to buddy up with? I didn't forget about you, Cash? Up we go. Whoa, I get to ride on V.Cash's shoulders? New core memory. This is amazing. Are we going to go fast?

So fast. All right. Great. Let's do this. Pan, I ask you about something. What is it? You seemed hopeful after you talked with that Arnie back at the Electric Desert, that your powers were going to come back. I did feel hopeful.

And I did feel my powers coming back, I think. But I haven't been able to feel it again since. Why do you think you felt it back there? Well, he helped me to realize something. that I had never considered. Which is... That being unique doesn't have to mean being unique entirely alone. Oh?

That being unique is something you can do with other people. He helped me to understand the importance of the work I do with games. I'm not the only one who does this work. As one person, my influence is limited. But together, we do make it. difference. Powerful stuff. Powerful yes, but not enough. Powerful but not enough? Yes. So what do you think the answer is? I have no idea. Well, I have a theory. I'm listening. Maybe that was just the start of your journey, back to being a stormy bitch. How so? None of us are all one thing,

right? I mean, I know I'm not. You're not just strange. I know you're just making a joke, but no, There's a lot of aspects to how I understand myself. Some are more powerful than others. And if I can figure out more about who I am now, that I'm no longer a sphere mover, I'll get my powers back. You know, maybe you need to stop worrying about that so much. Stop worrying about.

About getting your powers back. How are you ever going to be able to figure out who you are if your whole identity is wrapped up in your ability to make it rain? Not just rain. I can make it worse. Wendy, I can cause lightning too. What makes us who we are is what we do with what we have in the moment. You need to figure out who you are without your powers.

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The Forest. Getting to hang out with my podcast. friend. It's kind of weird, huh? What about it is weird? Anytime we ever did anything, we were always thinking about getting back to the station, but now the station doesn't really need us. I mean, sounds like Greg's not having a hard time.

Betty and Greg are the most confident and competent people I've ever met. I'm sure they're having a great time. Yeah, I'm sure they are, even if Betty can't really do anything. Like, she can't lift boxes, she can't pump gas, she can't even microwave a burrito. She's kind of useless Excuse me Oh Betty Good to see you

I am not useless Mac I'm really good with travelers And Greg likes it when I keep him up to date With all the important news from the physical plane Important news? Yeah like for instance Wouldn't you know that when Phil's daughter took over the diner She nicks the rhubarb pie

It's a crime Wow, Phil's daughter did that Yeah you know him No It's good to see you Betty What's going on? Oh, nothing. Just checking in.

Well, kinda. You see, we were thinking of taking 10D-61 Skylark out for a little drive. See if we could find ya. Maybe grab a drink at the long pause. Greg's been working really hard, and we could use a little break. That sounds real nice. Yeah, but you know what? What?

That nifty little open close sign that used to hang on the door, the one that put a pause on travelers arriving? Yeah. Somebody stole the... Oh, really? You guys wouldn't happen to know where it is, would ya? Nope. Sorry, Betty.

No, no clue. Maybe, uh, Mac took it. Uh, what? Uh, what? Yeah, he took it. When he lies, he takes the nail of his right index finger and uses it to dig under the nail of his left index finger. What, I don't do that? Oh shit.

Yeah, it looks like I do that. Oh, Mac, why'd you take it? How's Gray gonna take a break now? It's the one souvenir I could get away with Taken without cash telling me. there was no room. I hid it under the driver's seat. I just needed something that really reminded me of the place. Well, how do we get it back?

It's not like I can take it back to him. I don't know. Have Greg borrow a car from a traveler. He can come pick it up. He doesn't have to do that. That car behind the station, the one that's all banged up. The one that mean old lady crashed into my shack? Yeah, it's a little jinky.

But Matt got it running again. Kind of. Just let Greg know that if he pulls up to the pump, Travelers will stop arriving. That works? Yeah, I forgot about that. Only one car can be parked at the pump at a time. At least that's how it's always worked in the past.

Shirley figured it out. Okay, we'll give it a try. What's you guys doing anyways? We're looking for a bear and a rogue cash unit that are wreaking havoc on the forest sphere. Oh, you guys are already having fun, don't you know? Look, I'd stick around and help, but I have a doctor's appointment I need to leave the house for.

Doctor's appointment? Are you all right? Oh, oh yeah, I'm fine. She just said she needed to go over some results with me. I'm sure it's no big deal. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for dropping by. Tell Greg we said hi. And tell them I said I'm sorry about the sign. You guys make sure and find us when you go on your drive. We'll probably still be here. We'll do. See you guys. Bye. Later, friend. Betty's the coolest. Really? I thought I was the coolest. Huh, excuse me, I will now list off all the dorky things you do.

I was kidding, Mack. I don't consider myself cool. Well, you should. You're a pretty cool dude. So, I'm really dorky and pretty cool? That about sums it up. I'll take it. Any sign of him? I don't see him yet. Do you think, if you could catch him, you could still control him?

In my old soldier frame, maybe. Dorn. I almost forgot. do have thermal vision. It's been a while since I've used this. Let's see. Okay, scanning. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What appears to be a group of moles in an underground den playing poker and smoking cigars. In an enclosed space like that? How do they see anything with all that smoke? I think they have pretty bad eyesight to begin with. How can they see what cards they have? We're getting distracted, Doug. Right. Continuing my scan. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. There, I see them. About a quarter mile that way. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You is having fun? Try again, Kai. Repeat after me. You are having fun. You are having fun?

Negative. I am incapable of experiencing emotions, and therefore, unable. to experience the positive feelings that would render and experience fun. That is sad. No, it isn't. I will continue to laugh when you request it. What should we do now? What would you like to do?

Something funny. Generating a list of options. List generated. Option one, you could turn on the hose behind the long paws and run away. It is boring. That is boring. is the correct phrasing. That is boring.

Option two. We could tie the fisher's shoelaces together. These giants are too big and too fast. We would get caught. Try again. We should run away. That is a funny idea, but not funny. It is not funny.

It is necessary. They're gaining on us. Oh shit. Move quickly. Move quickly. Move quickly. Kai is tired. Guy, let's try that again.

I am tired. Stop correcting me. I will stop correcting until I am told otherwise. Run away for now. Then save me. I'm running away for now. I'll stay close enough to observe you from a distance. I will rescue you when the opportunity present.

itself. Thanks. And don't worry about Kai. I am not worried about Kai. That makes one of us. Ha ha ha. But seriously, that's cold, man. Look, don't wait to save me if Jerry catches me.

That guy's gonna claw my ass off after everything Kai did. Okay, bye. You there, don't move. Where's the robot? He's a bear, Cash. He can't speak. Maybe he can point. Kai can speak.

But how? What do you mean? How? Kai speak human. I mean, I'm no biologist, Doug, but you're a bear, right? You, robot. Yes. Take little guy off your shoulder.

and truck him into river. No. You have to do what I say. You are a robot. One that can't be bossed around. Oh, damn. Which means the one you're with can be controlled. His name is M4.

M4 is my friend. He teach me to speak human. And apparently you taught him how to wreak havoc across the astral plane. Yes. Hmm. Kai, we need your help.

Do you know where M4 went? Yes. But Kai is not telling. It's important. That robot is a cash unit, attempt M4, and he's in a powerful frame that was designed to fight battles.

Even after reprogramming, he's dangerous in the wrong hands. We have to find him and shut him down before someone chooses to use him for more than just pranks. No, you can't shut him down. He's my friend. No, he's not, Kai. He doesn't have feelings. He doesn't have emotions. He is still my pal. Should we follow him, the robot? Not yet. We need to let the rest of the team know where to find this bear. How do we do that?

Plug your ears. Why? Hey, fancy mating you two here. So fancy. Such a coincidence. I mean, not really. You probably just heard the signal, too. Of course?

Oh. I'm not sure I want to get any closer to it. It's quite an annoying sound. I kind of like it. Oh? Why's that? It's the sound she was making when we first found cash in her soldier frame. That is, in a cave on the side of the mountain.

Oh, yeah. Same sound she made when she called all the... the other cash units to herself back on the desert sphere. Oh, that's right. It, um, doesn't make it less irritating. But I suppose it does account for some of your warm feelings about it. Must be a human thing. So, was Jerry able to shed any light on this situation?

He was, actually. So, the bear is named Kai. He is and has always been a little problematic. How so? Well, he wanted to be a comedian. How's that problematic? He wanted to be a human comedian. Okay, that's a little weird.

What does that mean, though? As the story goes, a long while back, a human came through the long pause, a comedian. The bears are interesting creatures. Apart from Jerry, who as sphere mover has some semblance of responsibility towards the dead, bears are, for the most part, entirely uninitiated. interested in human affairs. I can't say I blame him. Hey, I'm human.

No shit. So, anyways, the comedian, he has a few drinks. Perhaps a few too many. He takes to the stage, interrupts a rather popular local band, and starts telling his jokes. He did his routine. That's kind of badass. The bears were in shock. Bears love music.

And just like they did with your old friend, Driston, they would have. loud travelers of musical ability to take to the stage. But by invitation only, what this comedian did was entirely out of line. No bear at the long pause has any interest in listening to a human drone on and on about the particulars of human affairs. But Kai, a bit of a runt, treated like a child at times, he was enamored with this man. audacious and courageous performer who dared to take the stage and make jokes in the presence of a dangerous audience of large creatures. Jerry, of course, sent the inebriated chap on his way,

but it'd left an imprint on the bear. He'd left inspiration. Kai began paying closer attention to travelers, and then started imitating their speech quite poorly. Then, suddenly, quite well. almost as if someone had been teaching him. So, without warning, he mounts the stage uninvited and begins to perform his, what did you call it? Routine. He performs his routine in human speech, and it is not well received.

First off, it was offensive to the bears. Why would any bear attempt to speak and behave like a human, rejecting their own community and ways? But worse, secondly, Kai was telling jokes that the bears didn't understand. He recited them in quick succession. Where had he gotten these jokes? No one knew.

Of course, he was removed from the stage. Jerry told him that if he ever tried to do that again, he'd no longer be allowed in the long pause. Kai left and never returned. And then the pranks began. Soap on the door handle. Donks, let loose in the kitchen. Power outages.

Dumpster fires. So he finds a robot. It teaches him how to speak. Teaches him some jokes. The bears reject him because he was rude and his comedy stinks. He leaves offended and recruits the robot to help him wreak havoc on the ones that hurt him. And that about sums it up. So what do we do when we find him?

Let's talk to him and find out. You can turn it off now. Hi, guys. Guys, this is Kai. Kai, this is Corsen, Tendi, Mac, and Nani. Hello, Kai. My name is Mack. I will be your interpreter. Whenever you're ready to confess your crimes, go for it. Kai speaks human and didn't do crimes.

Just pranks. Impressive. You must be a very smart bear to speak so fluently in the tongue of a different species. Kai is not perfect. at speaking human, but Kai have help from my buddy. You're talking about the robot? Yes. He is Kai's friend.

Tell us about your friend. He always listens to Kai. He does what Kai says. He gives Kai frank ideas. He teaches Kai to speak. Oh, I can see why you'd want to be friends with him. Must be nice having someone who does whatever you say.

It never tells you when you're being a jerk. Hey, Kai is not a jerk. Really? Okay, whatever. So, you want to be a comedian? Yes. That's cool. I think you could make a great comedian.

Really? Can't see why not. Tell me a joke. Okay. So, I went to doctor the other day, and the doctor says, I have bad news. Let me stop you right there. Did you actually go to a doctor the other day? What is doctor?

Where did you get the joke? M4 tells me jokes. Where did M4 get the joke? units are preloaded with a sampling of data from the grand library, music, random facts, and apparently bad jokes. Hmm. So why don't you write your own jokes? My jokes are not good.

Try me. No. Come on, just one joke. No, no joke. Kai is not funny. Tell me a joke. Kai go too far. He thinks it is the long.

But it was not the long pause. It was a different bar. So Kais is like long pause more like the wrong pause. The wrong pause. What? Okay, okay, you know what? That joke doesn't connect with me personally, but you're a bear. a bear. That's a joke from a bear, written from his own bear experience. It's a bad joke.

Maybe it is, but it's your joke, not the robots. I think it's better to risk being unfunny, because at least it's from you. It's a part of you. Let's go back to the long pause. I want to talk to Jerry. Kai stay here. Nope, you're coming too. You take Kai prisoner. No, not a prisoner. So, Kai can choose to stay. Okay, I guess you are kind of a prisoner. If you'd take me, M4 will rescue me. You don't need rescuing. Jerry is going to kill Kai.

Don't worry, I'll talk to Jerry. All right, Kai, I spoke with Jerry. He'd kill me? No, he's not going to kill you. He is going to make you bus tables for the rest of eternity. But that's it. Not too bad, right? Not too bad, I guess. He's also going to let you tell a few jokes.

Really? Yeah. Why? I asked him what he would do if he didn't have to tend bar. What did Jerry say? I'm not going to tell you. I promised I wouldn't repeat it. Is it embarrassing? No, it's not. It's just a dream of his that doesn't

quite line up with what bears think is acceptable. I think he knows that it's time for some changes around here. I told him maybe he could start with you. He's giving you a shot, kid. You're going to take it? Yeah. Yeah, Ka'i's gonna take it. Then get up there, Kai, Guy.

No time like the present. Okay, here it goes. You got this. Just be yourself. Oh, and guys, Jerry says that while we were out, a traveler came by with those spare tires in the trunk. He sent them with some bears to get the car ready, but it's still on the other side of the interstate. They would have driven it back here, but they couldn't find a bear that would fit behind the driver's seat.

Ha, wow, that's really nice of him. I guess we should get back to the car and carry on. It's okay, everyone. He's got permission from Jerry. You can clap for him now. I said clap. You're so badass. Yeah, I know.

Good. How we doing out there? Everybody good? Okay, I take that as yes. Here's my first joke. I went to the doctor the other day. Doctor says he has bad news. He says,

Kai only have 10 left to live. Kai asked the doctor, ten what? Ten days, ten months? The doctor replies. Nine, eight, seven. Oh, you foolish bear. What? No.

Kai doesn't know what the joke means. Then tell your own damn jokes. My jokes are stupid. No, your jokes are not stupid. Try it. Okay, I try. M4! I am here to rescue you as you requested. What?

I am here to rescue him per his earlier request. Kai, should I carry you, or would you prefer to walk? Thank you for coming to rescue Kai, but I tell jokes now. You are good friend. Thank you for caring about me. You're welcome. I do not care about you, and we are not for... friends. Ha ha, you make a funny joke. It's not a joke, Kai. He's just a computer in a robot frame. No, M4 is my friend. There you sons of bitches are. Radio Tower dog? I'm gonna tear you apart, Tin Man. There's no need. He's just an assistant without sentience. He just does what anyone tells him.

Oh, is that so? Well then, robot, arrest that bear and no need to be gentle. Okay, aggressive. I'm possibly arresting Bear. What? You are my friend. M4 is nobody's friend. Now freeze. You are under arrest. Get him!

Getting him. But... Damn, Jerry. Remind me not to piss you off. M4 was not Kai's friend. No, he wasn't. I'm sorry, Kai. But Jerry is...

Jerry is... Is that true? You care about Kai? Thank you, Jerry. Don't get distracted, Guy. Tell your joke. Joke is stupid. M4 jokes were smart.

He didn't make jokes. It was just reciting something it learned from reading things someone on the physical plane wrote. Tell your jokes, Kai. Even if they're not funny, at least they're yours. Okay. Fine. Here goes. Kai go to ball

He thinks it is the long pause But it was not the long pause It was a different ball So Kai's like Long pause more like the wrong paws There we go Okay Wow

Thanks That is Kai's Only joke. I make all those and I come back. Wow, Nani the comedy coach. Yeah, I can do everything. But that joke wasn't funny. To you, you're not a bear.

Wow, bears must be a little dumb. Except for you, Jerry. Jeez. This is all very heartwarming. That bear has to pay for his crimes. Little bloodthirsty there, Doug. Oh, am I? Yeah, you're kind of coming across that way.

I can help you get the radio tower back in order, and Kai will help too. Well, okay, but he better also apologize to my crew. I'm sure he will. You're lucky I'm a huge fan of yours, Cash, or else that bear would be in some really big trouble. Sure, Doug. Do I detect some sarcasm? What is that?

Is that the fishers? No, it's not. Those steps are too loud. Cash, I'm scared. What's out there? Not what, Doug. Who? Cash, is it him?

Him who? Come out. What in the fuck? This episode was written, produced, and performed by me, Jared Carter. The show is executive produced by The Remarkable Marksman, Michael Freiberg. A special thank you to early listeners, Jared Heinz, and Kelly Cusack, for providing this episode's quality and continuity checks. Until next time, Safe Travels. Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

If you're a lover of horror, real, creeping, atmospheric horror, then it's time to tune into The Gentleman from Hell. An entire town, gone. No signs, no warnings, just silence. This is the tale of Cold Sparrow. Twenty-four years ago, every resident vanished without a trace. No bodies, no evidence, just a mystery that has haunted the world for decades. Until now, three elite private investigators, famous for dismantling one of the most dangerous cults in history, have taken the case. Their mission? Uncover the truth behind the largest mass disappearance in modern history. But the deeper they dig, the darker it gets.

Whispers of something unnatural, something watching, something, something infernal. Some mysteries don't want to be solved, and some towns have roots that stretch far deeper than the soil. The Gentleman from Hell, listen now on all podcast platforms.