Dhru Purohit Show - Why Nobody Is Having Great Sex & How To Make it Amazing with Dr. Emily Morse

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth, Pique Life, and Lifeforce.  Today on The Dhru Purohit Podcast, Dhru sits down with Dr. Emily Morse to talk about the top mistakes that couples make when it comes to sex, how to have conversations about initiating sex, pornography, and masturbation, the top misconceptions men and women have about their partner’s sexuality, and so much more. Dr. Emily Morse is the host of the award-winning #1 sexuality podcast, Sex With Emily, which has been on the air for nearly two decades. Dr. Morse is a MasterClass instructor on sex and communication and was previously a radio host and executive producer on SiriusXM. Dr. Morse’s mission is to liberate the conversation about sex and pleasure, which is why she wrote Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Own Pleasure (set to be released on June 13). In this episode, Dhru and Emily dive into: -What gets in the way of couples having great communication (2:06) -Common misinformation about sex (4:34) -Pleasure thieves that get in the way of intimacy (18:30) -Initiating sex (37:50) -Biggest misconceptions that men have about women and that women have about men (49:56) -Tools for getting people for having conversations about sex (56:53) -How pornography gets in the way of creating true intimacy (1:06:40) -Getting comfortable talking about masturbation with your partner (1:16:13) -Roadblocks that get in the way of having smarter sex (1:31:05) -Date night do’s and don’ts (1:33:13) -Crucial topics to discuss at the beginning stages of a relationship (1:43:28) -Outsourcing help and how to find a sex therapist (1:50:22) -What does a healthy sex life look like? (1:56:29) Also mentioned in this episode: -Preorder Smart Sex here. -sexwithemily.com -Sex With Emily podcast -Emily’s free guides (Yes, No, Maybe Guide, Pleasure Planner, The Three Ts, and more) -Emily’s Sex and Communication MasterClass For more on Emily Morse, follow her on Instagram @sexwithemily and YouTube @sexwithemily. Cozy Earth has the most comfortable, temperature-regulating, and nontoxic sheets on the market. Right now, get 40% off your Cozy Earth sheets. Just head over to cozyearth.com and use code DHRU. For a limited time, Pique is offering my community 12% off their fasting tea bundle plus an exclusive gift! So head on over to Piquelife.com/Dhru to redeem this exclusive offer today! Lifeforce is a revolutionary new health platform that’s changing the game when it comes to personalized performance and longevity-based action plans. Right now, get 15% off your first purchase at mylifeforce.com with code DHRU. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Most people are not having great sex. Even when you think your sex is great at the beginning, a lot of that is by satisfying sex or exciting sex because all those feel-good hormones are raging. What I really break down in the book, what smart sex is is there's elements to it. It's about connection and communication and honesty and knowing our bodies and know what makes us feel good.

If you're looking to create more pleasure in your life and, most importantly, avoid the top mistakes that couples make when it comes to radically improving their sex life, today's conversation is for you. Welcome to the Drew Proet podcast. Each week, we explore the inner workings of the body with one of the brightest minds in wellness, medicine, and mindset. And this week's guest is Emily Morse.

Emily Morse is the host of the award-winning, number one podcast on sexuality, Sex with Emily, which has been on the air for nearly two decades. She's a master class instructor on sex and communication, and was previously a radio host and executive producer on Sirius XM. Emily has been profiled in the New York Times, Forbes, Men's Health, and she's been featured on the Today Show, Conan Entertainment Tonight, and many other media outlets.

Emily's true mission in life is to liberate the conversation around sex and pleasure, which is why she wrote her latest book, which is out now, called Smart Sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. Her candid conversations challenge cultural tab. misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can be deeply connected and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Now on to a fascinating conversation with Dr. Emily Morris. Emily, welcome to the podcast.

Pleasure to have you here. I've been enjoying the new book. So let's jump right into some of the themes that are in there. So one of the through lines of the book is that great communication between people that are in a relationship, regardless of whatever orientation that relationship is, is the foundation of having a great sex life? Yes. Is that accurate?

That is accurate. What gets in the way of couples having great communication and ending up in a place where they don't have smart sex, they have dumb sex? It's a really great question. So as I always say, and I believe the communication chapters call this, I know it is. It's communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the better sex we're going to have. we do not talk about sex.

Not only, not even to blame couples that don't talk about it, we don't talk about sex in our culture. We don't educate people about sex. We don't, we feel shame around it. And then when we do see anything about sex, a lot of times it's misinformation, it's inaccurate. There's a lot of insecurities. So there's just, there's all these barriers to people having, well, smart sex.

And so, yeah, the couples don't talk about it because there's not. any role models of it. When we do bring up sex often, it's because we have so much fear around it. What I've found is when somebody brings up sex in a relationship, like, hey, we should talk about our sex life. We immediately go into fight or flight. It feels like the most intimidating, scary thing because if someone's going to talk to me about my sex life, I must be doing something wrong. I must be failing you in some way as a partner. And that is, again, because there's no precedent for it. We have this notion that sex should always be incredible and the spark should should be flying and we shouldn't have to plan for it or talk about it because it's some

magical connection. And yes, it might feel that way in the beginning. That's why we have something called the honeymoon phase, which is a real biological condition of when you meet somebody and those first six months to two years are just incredible and there's really not as much to talk about. But what happened is when we're the partner for a while after that period, there's going to be some stuff that comes up and I like to give people the tools to talk about it. Yeah. You're so right. And inside the book, you write that when one partner brings it up to another, immediately that feeling that people have that, oh, something is wrong. And it actually ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy because people delay, delay, and there's years of resentment that ends up building up.

Right. And then by the time they end up talking about it, it does actually. feel like something's wrong. And a lot of couples actually don't feel like they can ever get back to that great sex life that they once had because there's so much resentment. We're going to talk a little bit more about resentment, but let's talk about misinformation. You mentioned a couple out there. One of them was that like great sex should just happen. You either have it or you don't. Talk about that one. And then what are some other examples of misinformation that's floating out there that's preventing people from having honest conversations about sex.

Okay. So this notion that, first off, I'm going to say this right now. Most people are not having great sex. Even when you think your sex is great at the beginning, a lot of that is by satisfying sex or exciting sex because all those feel-good hormones are raging. It's a cocktail of the most delicious hormones. It's dopamine and serotonin, oxytocin, and it's connecting us to this partner because it's a new experience and it's novel.

But what I really break down in the book, what smart sex is is there's elements to it. It's about connection and communication and honesty and knowing our bodies and know what makes us feel good and getting rid of shame and trauma and all the things are dealing with it all. So I think that I want people to feel hopeful that even if whatever you thought was a great sex, you can always get better. You can start exactly where you are at today. The deck has been stacked against most people. in this world for having great sex.

I don't think, again, because of there's fear and shame and misinformation. So I really think that we can all work on having incredible sex and we all get to decide what that actually looks like. I don't even think that we know. Does that answer it? Yeah, that totally answers it. And I think one of the thing that's there

is that misinformation is that people should just be on the same page about sex. Exactly. Right. And I think that you open. up the book that way because I think a lot of couples and individuals feel like either one person wants sex more in the relationship and one person might have resigned themselves to feel like, especially after kids, you see this a lot with people. I don't have kids yet, but talk to my

guy friends, my girlfriends, you know, just seeing what's going on in people's relationship. There's a sense of resolving to, it just, this is the way that it is. Right. So, so this notion that sex should always be amazing. and we should always want to have it at the same time is probably one of the biggest pieces of misinformation. If people are waiting or sit around waiting for it just to be just struck by this desire to have sex at the same rate as their partner, it likely isn't going to happen. And in fact, in most relationships, there is a high desire partner and a lower desire

partner. Unfortunately, we don't see a lot of too high desired people and too low desire people coming together. So I want everyone to rest aside of belief that it's okay or to feel. feel a little more comfortable right now to know that it's okay if you have some mismatched libidos and mismatched desires. The problem comes is that most couples just sort of don't really even talk about the fact that we're not having sex we want to. It's not as hot as we think it should be. It's not happening at the frequency in which we want it to. So this is where the

conversation comes in. It's like we have something called. So there's this, this is the other misinformation is that we should just be always wanting to like when I should see my partner, walk in the door and I should be wanting to have sex at that moment. Maybe they do and I, you know, I was like, oh, I see my partner's ready to go. So what I really want people do is understand that there are, there's conditions that need to line up for you to want to have sex, to be sexual. And most of us don't know what they are. Like, think about it. Like, when we're trying to get in shape or we want to go to the gym, like, we know what needs to happen. We got to plan it. We got to like, okay, maybe you sign up for a class of the gym and maybe the night before you lay out your

clothes and you, you know, make it, you put in your calendar and you know that you need to fill up your water bottle, have your gym shoes there ready to go. And you're like, ready to go out the door and you all the planning. Sex is exactly the same way. We think it's like this mysterious attraction and thing that's going to happen, but it's not. So I want couples to understand that it's, it's really something that's going to take planning, communication, and an understanding of how you get turned on and aroused and ready for sex. It's not just going to, strike you like it might have in the beginning of a relationship. Yeah, you say that, you know, so many people think of planning and scheduling sex as like,

oh, it's a failure. And yet it's one of the core things that can allow certain couples to regularly experience intimacy in their life in a way that matches everybody's needs. Exactly. You have to play. So I think I understand why people say I don't want to schedule sex because, again, it goes against everything we've told about sex that if you have to talk, first of all, there are these notions that if you have to talk about sex,

it means that you're doomed, that you should be mind readers and you should figure it out. I'm telling you now that doesn't happen. But when you do schedule sex and you're like, okay, I know that Saturday night is the best night for us to have sex. I'm not going to try to do it on Wednesday or Thursday when it's not going to be ideal. But we know that it's Saturday. Then we know how to reverse engineer it and say these are all the things that need to be in place for us to be ready to be intimate that night, whether it's getting a baby,

siter for the kids. It's getting myself into the mindset to be ready for sex. And also, you know, again, having these conversations with our partners about sex that's ongoing. It's not a one-time conversation. It's not a conversation that you have when there's only a problem. In fact, I encourage everybody to today have that conversation with your partner and say, you know what? I've just learned, I'm listening to Drew's podcast and I learned today that actually couples who talk about sex have better sex. realize that it's something that maybe we've never done before, but we can also in this interview lay out, kind of lay out how people can do that. But I want people to find out if they're with

a partner, hopefully they are with a partner who has a growth mindset around sex and realizes that this is something that we're going to have to work on our intimacy, commit to a plan, and stick with it, and honor each other's desires, wants, and needs to make the sex really satisfying and Is it fair to say in most relationships, there's going to be one person that kind of has the courage enough to kick things off and say, listen, we got to do something about it and we get to do something about it because I love you, you love me, and we want to make this better, right? Like there's got to be one person that kicks it off. Yeah. There's not this magical situation where both people at the same time wake up and say, now your partner is participating with you on the journey and you need them to engage in the dialogue. but if that's you and you're the person listening here,

like there's no shame in that. In fact, that's great because it shows that you value this topic. No, exactly. And I love that you're saying. That's what we're talking about, the high desire, the high desire, one partner is going to want to and the other isn't. Absolutely.

But I also want to note that usually it's one partner thinks that they have to do everything. Like they're the one that's driving the conversation and the one that has to do all the heavy lifting. And eventually you're going to get to a place where you're both working on it. But yes, to answer your question, Typically, it's one person that's like, okay, let's talk about it.

I realize we haven't. And can we create a really safe, honest, loving space for us to have these conversations that are gentle and nurturing and caring and loving and acknowledging that the world is not set up for this, that our past messages, our religion, our upbringing, our background, our past relationships in no way set any of us off. to have conversations about sex. So even just acknowledging to your partner, like I know this might sound weird or awkward,

or maybe you're having some defense come up right now that, you know, I'm doing something wrong. And I think you just have to at this point say, I know this, babe, I know this might be sort of jolting to you and it might feel threatening to you. But I really think that if we can agree that we're just gonna start having conversations about it, we can both become really great beautiful lovers to each other.

like are you on board? And again, not a one-time conversation. You don't figure everything out. It's not, you know, but it's, that might be your first conversation. It's just saying, would you agree that, or would you be willing to start exploring with us? And I'm telling you, Drew, I'm telling you, the couples who, and we're going to talk about this, move through the shame and all the obstacles that are coming up because I even hear people going, but you don't even know what's been going in on my life. I do. I get it. But we're going to move past that because the exciting thing is that when couples do move past all the blocks, then they have the incredible, connected, beautiful, loving sex that they desire.

You have a few basic core rules around even getting to a place to have a conversation. And they have to do with turf and timing. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah, I'll talk about that because it's really, really, it's actually very important because it's not just like we're talking about, I'm trying to think of another competition that might be easy. Like, are we, you know, where are we? going on our summer trip or even conversations about money, although this tactic could be used then

too. This is a really delicate conversation. So I have the three T's of communication, which is timing, tone, and turf. And so because I don't recommend that you just, you know, when you're in the bedroom and your partner, you feel like something's gone wrong in the, like sexually and you feel rejected again to bring up sex. No, we have to be very, very mindful about this conversation. So timing, tone, and turf is timing. Find a time when you are just The two of you are relaxing, you're hanging out, maybe it's date night. And I always want to say you're not halt. You're not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

Those are not the times to have any awkward or serious conversations. The tone is curious and open and supportive and loving and light, maybe do some breathwork beforehand. You make sure that you're coming from a place of collaboration. And the turf for this conversation is outside the bedroom. I just would love people to consider your bedroom as a place for sleeping and for sex. And it's not a place to have these conversations because often people think, well, we're having sex or something just happened awkward in the bedroom or I got rejected again when I made in advance.

And this would be the time to have it. I couldn't be further from the truth that a great time to have it is when you are perhaps out taking a walk. You're not making eye contact, which can still be very awkward people. or you're in a road trip. Those are great times to have these conversations. And then that's when you would say, hey, let's talk about something that we haven't before. Let's talk about our intimate life.

What are some of the influences that are not always known that shape how comfortable people feel or don't feel about talking about sex? That is worth acknowledging. Because I think that a lot of people have shame around this and think that they're the only person that's either having challenges in their relationship. And when you start to listen to a show like yours, link in the show notes for your podcast, you realize like so many people are going through this and it's natural.

But people would often know how their upbringing or having role models or not having role models plays a role in their comfortability of sex. So what are some of those hidden forces that you want to just acknowledge that shape? Yeah, I love this question. Like, let's just acknowledge, I call this in my book, The Pleasure Thieves. These are the things that these are all the forces in our life that is keeping us from having pleasure, connection, and intimacy. It's funny because I give a million tips for people about sex, but these things that you're

asking about are the things that are actually preventing you from having sex, which hopefully will make people feel very relieved, that there's nothing wrong with you, your body, you know, it's not like your equipment's broken, it's these things and this stuff we can deal with. The first one is shame. Shame is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive and it's so insidious. Sometimes we don't even realize where it's sort of seeping into our consciousness. Shame can come from our family of origin. Again, not consciously, not on purpose, but maybe we grew up in a household. We were told that it's important to save sex. You know you actually have no choice, but you need to save sex for marriage. Or maybe you were told that master's,

masturbation is shameful and it's wrong. And if you touch yourself, you're going to go blind. If you have sex before marriage, you're going to hell. And sometimes it's unspoken, just to interrupt here. There's a great story in the book about you very openly talking about the first time that you were exploring masturbation based on a friend and what they were telling you, you know, that you could use the jets and your warrant. Exactly. Right. And you had the situation where your mom walked in on you.

Right. And the thing is that she didn't say anything to you, but she was mortified. Yes. Then she walked out and you fell for a long time. Like you didn't try masturbation again for like another couple years. Right. I was like, oh, God, this is horrible. I saw the look at my mom's face.

So right, it could be as like something that we don't, like something like that. Or I'm like, okay, clearly this is not a right thing. Or it's like subversive. It's just sort of a conversations that you started like picking up on in the environment growing up. It could be, here's the other thing. Here's where it starts. And I just, again, it could be pre-verbal. we might be a toddler.

We might be one or two years old. And a lot of kids, for self-soothing, we put our hands on our pants. And maybe your Aunt Martha was there and said, don't do that. That's disgusting. Take your hand out of your pants. Little boys and girls don't do that. So that means that your very first connection to your genitals was this is wrong. This is shameful.

This is dirty. And no one ever corrects that. So then for your entire life, you might not even be conscious of this wiring that happens at such a young age that if I touch myself, I'm going to get my hand slapped away. It's not something I should ever do. And so I'm going to never touch myself until I'm with a partner. And then I'm going to feel shame around that. So it's so fraught with this early messages ongoing that is just stealing our ability to connect and be intimate. So you were chatting about the pleasure thieves, right?

Can you list a few more of those that are out there that people can be aware of? Shame is one of them. The other one is stress. This one is hidden in plain sight. We know how we all this who's not stressed. I mean, do you know anyone who's not really kind of anxious, right? I mean, you seem very calm. I would say I'm probably one of the only ones that are out there that I know of personally.

That you're not stressed or anxious. That's good. Yeah. I feel like I have a very chill individual. That doesn't mean that I don't have these moments. I work very hard for it. And I look out at the world and yes, people are very anxious. They're very stress.

And I feel, listen, I don't have kids yet. Right. I'm sure when that comes into the mix, you know, let's see. So, but a lot of us have stress. We have anxiety. We are worried about money, our jobs, our homes, our families. We are worried about the workplace, you know, whatever's happening at work. And so when we have stress and we have any level of kind of stress, that's going to directly

impact our ability to be aroused, turned on, and ready for. for sex. It gets in the way of our relationships. It gets in a way of our sex life. If we are, and we're really living in a place where our cortisol spiking and we are living in, like, let's say we're just living in fight or flight. We're in stressful state. We're literally stopping blood flow. We are not, we're not breathing correctly. A lot of us are very shallow breathers. We're running from one thing to the next. And so then we expect, though, that that's, it's funny because a lot of my book, Smart Sex, is about this disconnect that we don't realize that there's all these factors in our environment that are contributing to stress and anxiety

about work, money, anything else is going to keep us from being able to be in a relaxed state, which is what we need to be in a receptive state, to really have intimacy and connect to our partner. So that's another one. So learning to manage it. A lot of tips for that. And then we have trauma. Trauma is a huge, whether it's a big T trauma or a little T trauma, if we have had any

on trauma, sexual trauma, of course, assault. We would, that would impact our ability to be sexual, to be live in our bodies and feel that our bodies is a safe place. The challenge around that is a lot of us just think, well, maybe it was something that happened when I was younger, but time has moved on, or it's been a long time ago. I no longer associate with that person. When we have a trauma, particularly a sexual trauma, which is really, really common, like six out of ten women, experience no kind of a sexual assault or trauma in their life,

we have to have therapy. We have to go into therapy to sort of deal with the trauma that still lives in our body. And so trauma work, trauma therapy that deals with the body like EMDR or tapping or, you know, talk therapy. However you want to do it, it's going to kind of hijack your body from being able to be present and turned on and fully, you know, conscious. What's the first steps in someone unpacking? They're listening to this and they're like, okay, I don't know. I mean, my partner has some of these things going on that's there for them. And I want to help them unpack it. And I want to help them, you know, get a chance to address it. Like there's, you know, friends that I have that feel like, hey, my partner has just told me straight up like, I don't like having sex. And there could be a whole host of things that are behind that. What are your recommendations on the first steps of being able to?

to open up the conversation to explore it further when they themselves may not know exactly what the driving factors are around. So you're saying that there's a lot of people that just shut down around just talking about it. You're saying they don't want to have sex. Was that the question? Let's say something's communicated like in my men's group, you know, there's individuals that are there that their partner has communicated to them that I just don't think I want sex as much as you and I don't think I enjoy it as much as you.

And then the conversation is going to stop there. Got it. And that's. And if one of these. Pleasure Thieves is getting in the way of that, whether it be trauma, whether it's something else. What's the beginning stages? Is it literally just that like, hey, sweetie, this is something that's important to me?

And I was reading this book or I was, you know, listening to the podcast. Yeah. I have to say that that's really, really common. I'm so glad you brought that up. There's a lot of people who say, you know what? I'm just done with sex. I don't really want it. I don't crave it.

It's become really, you know, just a problem in our relationship. and I'm tapping out. And I got to say, like, you've made a commitment with somebody. It is part of your agreement. Now, granted, it's unspoken, but otherwise, you're essentially roommates. I mean, the sex and the intimacy is what's making you lovers and partners in life and whatever, you know, so I think that you can't just wake up when they say, guess what, I'm not going to take care of the kids today.

I'm no longer going to parent. I'm no longer going to pay the mortgage. Like, you just, you, I mean, it's, it's, it's. much so so you I'm just saying like you're in the right to think that that's like not okay if your relationship I think that that would be very troubling to hear that from a partner however I have compassion so much compassion for the people who say who feel that they can no longer be sexual because it becomes so so deeply confusing and it's not like when you don't want to have sex anymore and you have all these problems there's one place to it's not like you can

It's like you have a broken leg. You're like, I know I want to run, but I can't run anymore. You can go to the doctor. You can get x-rays. You can go to rehab. You can get it fixed with almost even depression, even anything. You can go. There's a procedure.

There's a program. There's a plan. With sex, it's just sort of this amorphous problem. I know that my body shut down. I don't want to have sex anymore and I'm out. So I really want to, so what I do here is I'm going to give people steps. The first thing to say to your partner is I hear what you're saying. And it sounds like, you know, we have some, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I,

want to be here for you and I want to support you in this. But sex is really important to me. Like you started to say, it is something that I think that we need to be intimate and connected. And I'd love to work with you on getting to a clearer place and working on some of the things that we think are keeping you from feeling sexual. And then I would encourage people to look at. This is why I actually wrote this book and I came up with this new paradigm for thinking

about sex because Drew, I have to tell you that I want people to be able to answer the questions on them. I'm to look at these pillars that I've come up with, this paradigm for thinking about sex because there's a lot of, like if there's, if five of your friends said to you, my partner no longer wants to have sex, there would be a lot of different reasons for each person, maybe one person at trauma, maybe somebody else started taking a medication and that hijacked their sex drive. They didn't realize that the birth control pill or an SSRI, like an antidepressant has impacted. to their sex drive. Another person might have really deep resentments with their partner.

They might not even be conscious of it. It came out as, I don't want to have sex anymore. But I'm trying to take as deeper to the layers of why. There's a lot of unpacking that has to happen to realize what is it. What is keeping me from it? So maybe it's, you know, it could be, yeah, a resentment. I'm having resentments with you. I used to want to have sex with you, but now you haven't been showing up in the way that I want to. I'm resenting the first. fact that you work so much. I'm resenting the way that you are spending more time with the children, you know, or you're not doing enough. It could be, we are not taking care of ourselves. We're not moving our bodies. We're not eating healthy foods. We're not, you know, there's just a million.

It could be the shame. All the factors are contributing to the fact that we don't want to have sex, but it is our duty. It is our job. Pleasure is our birthright. And I know this. The good news is I've seen people from the bottom saying that I never want to have sex again. I can't have orgasms. I can't communicate about it. Maybe I'm as sexual. That is mostly not 99.9% of people just haven't known what to do to build themselves back up again and to realize that it's in our hands. So really just unpacking it and kind of having some of these conversations about it and then taking baby steps towards rebuilding our connection to ourselves.

Yeah, it seems like so much comes back to just the foundations of communication. We've had on Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Julie Gottman. Amazing. Love them. Yeah, they're amazing. They've been on this podcast before and they talked to us and walked our audience through the four henchmen of the apocalypse. And one of the ones you see that's common. I mean, they're all common when it comes to tough conversations, especially conversations around sex.

But one of them is stonewalling, people just shutting down, man or woman or, you know, whoever it might be inside of the relationship just feels like I refuse to go into this topic. I don't want to chat about it, which often there's usually fear around that component. And most people want to have a better sex life. And they want to talk about their resentments. They want to talk about the stuff that's on their chest. But there's so much that's been built up that they don't even know how to get started. Exactly.

Or they feel like they've been placed on defense because of the wrong time, place, situation. of somebody wanting to bring up, you know, the sensitive topic of wanting to improve, you know, their sex life. And I think another thing that you brought up, which was really key there, which is this curious attitude around it and not coming from a place of blaming your partner. And the Gottman's call it sometimes the soft starter, right, that you are coming in like, hey, listen, I don't know if this is something that you've been thinking about. But I got to feel like it probably is too, because you care about. this relationship. Like, it's coming in with so much benefit of the doubt that you're not immediately putting somebody on defense of, hey, why aren't we having more sex or, hey, why aren't you paying

attention to my needs? Which immediately, you know, Byron Katie, if you're familiar with her work, she has this phrase, defense is the first act of war. When you come in hot. Yes. And your partner is now on the defense. Immediately that shuts down all the conversation. Absolutely.

And this is exactly, this is exactly it that if your partner and they might, because going back to your question, I really want to unpack that. If they've stonewalled and they said, this is off limits. I am never talking about sex. And I'm telling you, I hear this all the time. I hear from the partner who's, you know, wants to talk and their partner is completely shut down. So it is a curious consciousness with, what did you say, the Gottman's called it, a soft start.

It's saying, you know, and it's curious, it's saying, so I hear that you don't want to talk about sex and it's really shut down for you. And I'm just wondering if we could tell me more about that. What does it feel like to talk about sex? I just don't want to talk about it. Now you're making it a thing. Okay, yeah. It sounds like it's really, really, really painful to talk about it.

I'm hearing you really don't want to talk about it. And I have some tools in here, too, like that is that about, you know, like the Amago theory of listening. I mean, listening is so key in our relationships. Can you explain what that is? Yeah, I can't explain to it. It's really just the theory of it's a tool. But when you're talking your partner about something, you're, peep back with the question, what what you heard them say.

So let's see your partner who says, I don't want to talk about sex ever. You're always pressuring me. Now our first instinctway to be like, I never pressure you. But from a loving, curious, softer place, we can say, so what I hear you saying is that sex is not something that you want to talk about right now and that it's not okay that I'm asking. No, I didn't say that I don't want to talk about right now. I don't want to talk about it ever. You know, okay, so you don't want to talk about sex.

What I'm hearing you say is you never want to talk about sex. Okay. Yeah, that's what I said. Okay. Well, could you tell me more about that? Could you tell me about what it might feel like to talk about sex? Yeah, I just, you know, I fear you are pressuring me again. So I hear you're feeling really, really pressured about this, you know?

And there might even be like time to diffuse it. But what I'm saying is it's just you're repeating back what you hear. Now maybe you get to another place where they said, yeah. Because maybe you have more information. And they're saying every time we talk about sex, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe that's what they say. So I hear you saying that every time we talk about sex, you feel like I'm criticizing you and doing something wrong. Yeah, I do feel that way.

And I feel really criticized and unsafe. Okay, so you feel unsafe. Yeah, you know, and then you'll realize that when you repeat back, it's much like therapy that someone say, well, it's not so much unsafe. It's just that it doesn't feel right for us to talk about sex. It feels like if we have to talk about sex that there's a problem in the relationship. And now you're just gathering information. You're learning that your partner feels like any time you talk about sex, there's a problem.

Maybe they've even shared with you that in the past someone tried to talk about it and it wasn't healthy. You know, so this might be the very first conversation. You don't have to come to a conclusion. It doesn't have to be the last time you talk about sex. Remember, this is the first time you talked about it. And then you just thank your partner. You're learning more about them. And then you can, you know, bring it up again.

If they really won't talk about it, I mean, again, it could be like maybe once a week, once a month. But eventually, hopefully you're going to get to a place where your partner feels like this is just really an important topic. I've just got to, and what you're going to see is probably there's some stress, trauma, or shame that's come up. Now, we don't have to be our partner's therapist either. If you feel like your partner's just like, no, I'm not talking about it or I had some

earlier trauma. This is where I highly recommend therapy. I think that every single person can benefit from therapy, every couple benefits from therapy, every individual is going to benefit from therapy. And just think of therapy as like a second opinion on your life. I still think that some people think it's like something's wrong and it means we're going to break up, it's going to get divorced. No, it's really just like if you have a problem with your business, you're going to go to a business coach. If you have a toothache, you're going to go to your dentist. if your car breaks down, you're going to go to a mechanic. If you're having problems in your relationship and communicating about intimacy or sex,

you're going to go to a therapist. Our insurance covers it a lot of times. Even if not, you can find a sliding scale. I know you talk a lot about this in the show, but I just feel like for some of these really pressing issues, if your partner has shut down and usually it is fear, which let me remind everyone is false evidence appearing real, that is fear. And a lot of us have it that there's got to be with. If it doesn't happen to your conversation, that you can get some help.

So you can get to a place and move to the other side of the conversation where it gets fun. You know, you recently had a podcast episode that I thought is like so useful for a lot of couples that there's many couples that are out there that they're both attracted to each other, right? They want to desire each other. They both want to have a more regular sex cadence in their life and, you know, bring pleasure to the other person. But then they have a breakdown when it comes to initiation. And you did a whole episode on this. I found it actually really helpful and I've sent it out to a few different people and things. Oh, cool.

And I think it started off with this core idea that it's natural in a lot of relationships where not everybody, there's usually one, first of all, there's usually one person who's more comfortable with initiation. And there's usually a place and time inside of a relationship where that person who's more comfortable with initiation, initiating sex, that they start to feel more resentful, that I'm always the person, right? Whether that's actually true or not true, I'm majority of the person who's initiating sex.

What does that mean? Does my partner desire me? Do they not desire me? And that brings up a whole bunch of questions. Yes. You even sort of raised your hand during the podcast and said that I actually am somebody myself who has been more of the receiver, right? What is it?

What did you call it? Like there's initiator and then is it? Yeah, I think there's the high desire partner and the low desire partner. Right. That there's one. And the low desire partner has all the power. If you think about it, they're the one who's deciding, are we going to have sex? Are we not going to have sex?

And if we're like shutting it down, the sex isn't happening. So usually it's the higher desire partner that is doing all of the initiating. So yeah, initiating is a huge topic because, yeah, it's kind of our gateway to sex. And so if we're not comfortable with it, you know, I just want to remind people that initiating is a skill set. It is a practice. It is a skill set. I was very, I mean, the thing is, I am the expert.

I've been doing this a long time, but I wrote this book and I do my podcast all the time to help. I need to help too because it's not like it's just, think about it like your health. You never just get to a place where you achieve your peak health and your mental health and physical and you're done. And then you can go off and learn to play golf or something. No, like it is an ongoing practice. So I have to learn.

I have to remember with my partner, I haven't initiated a while. I'm going to make an effort. because again, it's just, it's a skill set, we have to learn it. And what happens, why it gets so fraud, is because think about it, if you have one partner that's always initiating, that's always deciding what's going to happen. And that means that if you're the one, you're the lower desire partner or not initiating, then you're the one who's saying yes or saying no. So if you're rejecting your partner and saying no to them, it is a rejection.

Even if it's because you were tired or it's been a long day with the kids or with work, they're still feeling not so great about it. they're still worried that like, did I do something wrong? Am I not attracted? Are you not attracted to me anymore? So it's just part of that really healthy give and take in a relationship where I think it's, we have to all learn to be a participant in the relationship. And that comes out to learning how to initiate and consciously like thinking about it.

We have to think about our sex life holistically. Like when, you know, again, there's so much around it. So learning to say, okay, I'm going to put it in my calendar. I'm going to even ask my partner because maybe you don't even know how to initiate, right? Let's say your whole life. And I've to say that I'm not usually the initiator. I did say that in the podcast too.

I'm not. And it's because maybe I was with more higher desire partners or being a woman to bring gender into this. I think often my heart goes out to men because they have so much pressure, I think, typically in heterosexual relationships. Like you've got to know all the sex things. You have to make the move. You have to ask someone out.

You have to make the money. You have to know, understand their bodies. you have to be hard and ready to go. Like there's so much pressure. And I think for many, and I'm not saying there are women who initiate a lot. I'm just saying you're in our typical stereotype, typical relationship.

We're like, okay, at least I just have to respond to something. But there's a lot of power and empowerment in saying, I'm going to learn what makes me want to initiate. And it can even be with your partner. Like what I love about the communication around sex is saying to your partner, I realize that I'm not always the one initiating. But help me out here. what would be a really hot initiation for you?

What would that look like? Because then I don't have to make it up. And my partner would say, like, oh, well, I would love if you just came in and grabbed me or you started making out with me or you dressed up in something that made you feel sexy or you blocked out the entire night, you know, for a date night. Or I came home and you had candles lit and you had music, our favorite music playing. It could look like however you want, but sometimes we just. need a starting point. We just need a cue. We just like, so then you can go, okay, I'm going to

light a candle when I come home. I'm going to light a candle and that's going to be a signal or I'm going to kiss my partner's neck, right? And then eventually we might have some more confidence to say like, okay, I know how to initiate now. I know how to do it. I'm going to take responsibility for it, you know, because again, yeah, your partner might be feeling like some rejection. I don't think we realize it that the rejection builds up over time. And then your partner might say, like, I'm not going to keep initiating because you don't want sex. So this is where not talking about it creates all these stories, right? I mean, again, our thoughts are not the truth often. So our thoughts create, I know you talk a lot about this in your show too, our thoughts create stories and narratives

that just are a great disservice to us. So let's just realize that maybe your partner might have some stories around your desire for them. And like, the more you talk about it, you realize what they need and what you need to have satisfying sex. It's all there. And it's all there. And it's available. Yeah. And it goes back to something that you shared previously, which is that even the question can bring up something really interesting for somebody in the discussion. Like when it comes to initiation, part of it is, yes, telling your partner, okay, hey, this

would feel good and this would feel like this is what initiating looks like. This is what helps put me in the mood. But also, I find that a lot of times an individual themselves may not know what puts them in the mood, right? What is it? What are the things that puts you in the mood? And are we getting a chance to do that together as a couple that allows you to feel like, hey, that's part of your initiation process, which is something that you were saying at the

beginning of the conversation. Yeah, that is huge. I mean, I would say that one of the biggest problems with sex and why you listening to this are not having why sex is so confusing for you and why it feels like it's something outside of you is because we don't really know. what gets us in the mood for sex? We actually don't know why we're turned on, what's going to happen,

all the elements that need to come into play to have to be ready for sex. Like we have to almost reverse engineer it. So I walk people through those steps. So most of us, the majority of us, many of us, and it fluctuates throughout our lifetime, have something called responsive desire.

We're going to respond to things in the environment that might get us turned on. It might be, you know, our partner sends us a sexy text throughout the day. We start thinking about it in our arousal and our desire for our partner builds. It might mean that I need to make sure that my environment is, I need to make sure that my environment is perfectly clean and organized and neat. I need to feel that I've worked out that day. I've exercised.

Like there's all these factors that contribute that must happen before us feeling. in the mood for sex. That's the responsive desire, okay? And I can get into that for another second. A lot in a minute. But then there's spontaneous. Spontaneous is a little bit more rare. It's usually attributed to men.

That a man, like, and I hear this because I've heard this for years from in heterosexual couples that a guy walks in the room, sees his partner, he's ready to go. You know he is. He might have an erection. You see his turd on. He sees his partner. He's like, okay, let's go. So what happens to the receiving partner is,

I'm more responsive. I needed all of these things to come into play for me to be ready for sex. I didn't know that. But now I feel bad because my partner wants something from me, which is sex. And I am nowhere near in that mindset. I'm not turned on. I'm not ready to go. There's a huge expectation that sex should happen right now.

And I was in the middle of writing a work email. The kids are crying in the background. I have a million things in mine. I haven't showered yet. And now my partner's ready to have sex. So then we're like, oh, God, you know, maybe we tell ourselves these messages and it becomes a problem. And all we do is we shut down our partner right there in the moment. So, and again, it's just because we haven't taken the time to think about what do I know.

And so I give a lot of tools in smart sex for people to think about. And it could just be like, it could be this. What are the three most memorable times I've had sex? I love this one because it's such an easy place to start. And you could think about that. And then you could think about what was happening before that. Like, why was it so memorable? I mean, when was it the time that I did feel ready for sex, I guess we could say?

When was the last time I felt really in the mood for sex? And yeah, just to clarify, you're talking about within that relationship. Within that relationship. You're not going to other relationships. Yeah, because this is really fun for couples to have this conversation. Thank you. You don't want to be like, yeah, the most memorable time was with my ex five years ago. That is not going to go over well with your partner.

But in the context of this relationship, when were you the most turned on and ready to go? What was memorable? What was happening? A lot of times we hear it's on vacation. We were in a hotel room. You know, I didn't have laundry in the corner. I didn't have my work out. I didn't have all the things that I'm used to looking at on a daily basis.

So then how do we create that sort of more carefree environment where there was like fewer worries and less concerns? A lot of times it's like, oh, well, you know, my partner and I went to dinner. our first and we had this really great conversation and we were planning for our future. We were planning our summer vacation. We were connecting on a creative idea. My partner was dressed up and took me somewhere and we went dancing and we had, you know, this really great night of connection. It was kind of like foreplay.

I often say foreplay all day or foreplay starts after the last orgasm. Like, foreplay isn't just something that happens in the bedroom. It's all about the arousal and connection. We want to keep that spark going as much as we can, which is why I said, like, maybe you guys are sending yourself sexy texts and you're building up towards sex that night. So what was happening that was getting you into the mood? Maybe you worked out that day and you felt really good in your body. You had the endorphins.

You had the serotonin. You had all the feel good chemicals that you needed to feel more turned on and aroused. So there's just think about it. There's all these things that have to come into play for us to feel ready and in the mood for sex. And I think most of us never even think about it. I know I didn't. I mean, have you?

Thought about. I don't know. Like if you, I mean, think about it. Like, do we know? I think a lot of people just haven't really even considered the fact that they can reverse engineer their desire. I guess that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I think a lot of people find themselves. Sometimes you find yourself in a place in a relationship where somebody's better at communication and they take the lead with it.

And you have the benefit from that. I've definitely been in that situation. Yes. And then there's other times where somebody's not as. comfortable with that level of communication, maybe because one of these pleasure thieves that's getting in the way. And you yourself are trying to figure it out. And so you're trying to figure out the best way to create that communication factor between you. Exactly. You know, I have a question zooming out. Obviously, there's all sorts of different type of relationships, but in a traditional

sort of masculine, feminine relationship, because you get so many people that write to you, that DM you, and I can't imagine your DMs and all the questions that people have. It's fun. And even if people are in a same-sex relationship, there's usually a masculine and a feminine. What do you think are some of the biggest misconceptions that, let's say, women have about men when it comes to, like, you know, turning on and sex and that's it. And then also the other way around. What's the biggest misconceptions that men have about women and desire and being turned on? Yeah, it's a great, it's a great question.

Okay, let's start with this. I would say that one of the biggest misconceptions that women have about men is that they're always ready for sex. They're always ready to go. They're always going to be like turned on. They want sex all of the time. They always want to, you know, yeah, that they always want to initiate. They always, yeah, they want sex in the same way, the same position every single time. I think that that's one of the biggest ones.

And then I think the other, the flip side of is that women don't want as much sex and that women are more in it. I mean, first off, that could be further from the truth. There's just such as, like, I hear from just many women who are like, my partner doesn't want sex as much as I do. So that would be a really big misconception. I think also that another misconception is that we're all the same. So sometimes we go into a new relationship and we think, well, my last partner really liked sex in this position. So it must mean that my current partner is going to like it this way. We are all different in the bedroom.

What we want, what we desire is going to change. So that's again why in a relationship we got to talk about it. We got to talk about what turned you on. What did you like about our sex last night? What felt good to you? What didn't feel good to you? Because that's how we can kind of, you know, improve upon it. So I think that just making these assumptions without talking about that we know,

I think we assume that our partner is a mind reader too, that they can just come in and figure it out. They're not going to be able to figure that out. I think there's also misconceptions around, around, let's get into the physiology of it, the wetness level, that it's a really important part of sex that, you know, there's lubrication. And I think that there's this notion that if a woman is turned on,

that she's wet. And if she's not turned on, it means that she's not. and why this is such an important conversation is because it's also because the misunderstanding of this particular topic causes a lot of pain and suffering for women psychologically and physically and emotionally. So our wetness level is not an indicator of arousal. It can be. You can certainly be wet and turned on. You could be turned on and not wet. However, it's not consistent. It changes throughout our cycle. So there's different times of month where we will be more physically, physiologically will be wet because for whatever reasons, but for whatever reasons, meaning like our hormones

or the time of month. But there's other times where we're not, but we still want to have sex. And so we can't read that cue as a sign that we're ready to go, just like an erection in a man. He might really want to have sex, but he's just not able to get hard for whatever. There's a myriad of reasons that I break down too. I call these the O blockers, the orgasm blockers and the things that are keeping us. I just want people to have the accurate information that you really can't read into these things because it could be medications, stress. And let's go back to the women. And the wetness for a second here is that it's really important to have proper lubrication. I always say that communication is a lubrication, but lubrication is lubrication too. Because if we are

not, like sometimes we might be wet at the beginning of a sexual experience, but what happens is it's not consistent. It might not stay wet for very long. And then we have dryness. And then what can happen is if we have penetrative sex, there's tears, infections can happen, and it can be really, really uncomfortable. You know, a side note that 80% of women have pain during sex at some point in their life, some women chronically, and they never talk about it.

They just assume, this is my lot in life, sex is painful. and I just want to say you should not have any sex. You should not have pain during sex. And I have a whole bunch of tips in smart sex about kind of decoding what that pain is. So anyway, using a little bit of lubricant, having a bottle of lube on your nightstand is one of my dreams, like a lube on every nightstand.

Because when you add a few drops of lube to any sexual situation, women are more likely to have orgasms, men are more likely to have pleasure, and it just helps out. So this whole notion that I can read my body, body, my partner's cues is just, again, where we have a lot of lack of information. Then you look at porn. We don't see them using leaving porn.

So it's just all the ways that we need to unpack that. Think of it like sunblock on a cloudy day. You're like, you could still get it. You could still get a sunburn. So the same thing about sex is it's not consistent. Our whiteness level, again, it could change with certain medications and things. So that's another thing that we don't know. What are the best lubricants to use,

from a health perspective where people are worried about, you know, what's going into their body and disrupting sort of the pH balance. I brought you guys some. I brought you awesome. It's called Playground. And the one that I love is Playground because it was the first lube that was made. So lube is around since the beginning of time. You can buy them at the drugstore. And that is fine. You can buy those versions. But they typically are not made with women in mind. They're made with men in mind. So I love this brand called Playground that I became on board as their chief sexologist because they broke the mold of all lubes. And they realized that. We need certain ingredients. Like we need to have body safe materials because of things going inside of us. Like we have a very, like our vagina is very delicate. The pH balance can be easily disrupted. So this has like aschwaganda, black cohosh, like ingredients in it that you wouldn't normally see in a lubricant.

It's water base. It's body safe. You can use it with toys. You can use it with, you know, any kind of sex you have. And it mimics your natural lubrication. So I love that. It's got a little flip top. It's easy to use.

just I recommend that. And again, the fun thing about this is that when you start adding these other elements, once you get past the like shame, if I have to add lube or a toy or something else, it means that like sex isn't natural or should just be our bodies, that's when you start having fun with it. You're like, hey, let's try this new thing. Let's try this new lubricant. Then you become collaborators in your sex life and not adversaries.

On that note, you know, you have this whole sheet. I believe it's called yes. Yes. No, maybe. which is designed to help couples get on the same page about what are their desires, what do they want to experience, what do they want to explore together? Can you explain the sheet? Yes, I'm so glad you asked about that too because I think that now that we've got people

to realize that we need to talk about sex, a lot of it is tools to get people to feel more comfortable having the conversation. So here's the thing about sex. So let's say we've moved past our pleasure themes and we've kind of started to conquer those things and we're like, all right, all right. I've finally come to the place where I understand that our sex life is important and I'm going to start to work on it, even if I felt shameful around it. But now what do we do? Where do we go?

All we most of us know about sex is like missionary position, maybe another position. Maybe we like make out. We have penetrative sex. We roll over. It's over. That's how most people like we don't have a lot of information. So I created this thing called the yes, no, maybe less. And Drew, it's been wildly popular.

It's a free download at my website, sex withemly.com. And what it does is, it is a menu of about 80. You have to put in an email to actually see it. Okay, got it. But which I encourage everyone to do, it's like, I think of all the things I've done in almost 20 years, this is one of the greatest tools. It gives you a list of all these sex, every sex sex on the planet. Some of it you might have to, we have a glossary of terms to explain it to you.

But some of it is just like taking a bath together, cuddling, dirty talk, spanking, using sex toys. Had a list of about 80 different sex sacks. And then there's columns and it's interactive. You could do it online. You can check if it's a yes. So a couple would sit down together. Yeah.

So, okay, what happens is a couple sit. This is such a great date night idea. Get some wine. Look at this sheet and together say, let's look at this. this and then you get to fill it out separately. You could fill it out together, but it's kind of fun to do it separately. And then you click, is it a yes? Is it a no?

Is it a maybe? First off, it's great fodder for discussion. Like, I don't know what this is or really would you, would you ever want this thing? But let's say you both checked yes on Dirty Talk. We've been together five years and I didn't know you. I want a Dirty Talk and you want a Dirty Talk. Hallelujah. We just found something new to try.

Or, you know, maybe you're both, you know, yes is on. erotic massage, which I could go off a massage for like an hour if you are important that is for couples to touch each other without the pressure of having intimacy, without the pressure of penetration. So now you just have a starting point. Maybe you circle your top three yeses because I guarantee you're going to have some yeses. Then you're going to have some maybes. Mabies are also interesting. Like this yes, no, maybe list is fodder for years to come. You could even take it once a quarter or once a year. You know, if it's a yes, you find out that you're into it. If it's a no, that just might be an area to kind of look at and say, why is that a no

and get more curious. But again, the maybes too are fun. Like, why is it a maybe? Well, it's a maybe because I didn't know if you'd want to. Or it's a maybe because I have some lingering shame around it. I mean, it's just, this is just going to give couples so many fun places to go and exciting and maybe a little bit of, you know, fear or shame. But then I love it because, again, you've gotten to a place that where you guys are safe

and you're not going to judge each other and you're going to say, like, great. Okay, so now we found some places that we want to go with this. When can we try them? And then you see what I'm saying? Like, now that I've given you guys a menu, essentially it's a menu for your sex life, it's a like it's the ingredients, the things that can happen. You're like, let's try one of these things. Let's schedule it.

Let's bring in some more dirty talk. And then you can do a deep dive. I mean, no, I've got tons of information on my site like how to talk dirty. I've got full on podcast episodes about it. Articles and blogs because, again, most people are starting out. This is a very new place for them to. explore. So start to have felt with it. Know that you have some commonalities and, yeah, play with yes, no, maybe. So somebody can just go to your website. And I think it's that pop up that comes up.

It's a pop up. Put in your email and then you can go through the sheet. You're going to get the yes no maybe. We have a lot of guides on our website. We have a pleasure planner too on our site that you could say, well, now we know that we have all these yeses that we want to act out. The pleasure planner allows couples to. It's another downloadable guide. You got to put in your email address. But you have a guide where you can plan out your sex for the year because listen you've got to prioritize it for the year for the year planning for the year planning for the year okay you can plan it for the quarter you can plan it for the year what where do we want to be like because now that we've like think about that but just imagine a world where you sit down with your partner and you're like okay we're in this

together we want to be great lovers to each other we understand that sex is not going anywhere how are we going to make sure that it happens we're not going to leave it up to chance that I'm going to automatically want it when you want it because we already've established that you're more the initiator, I'm not, or that we both want to have sex like Saturday nights is the best night to have sex. We should probably schedule it. We can get into all of that. But now that we know what an ideal sex life looks like, how are we going to plan it? How are we going to make sure that it happens? How are we going to prioritize it? Because we've decided that it's an important part of our relationship. So I allow, you know, I help people sort of get into it that way too. And then you've

made a commitment to each other. We're going to be great lovers. We're going to break down the barriers that's keeping us from having great sex. And we're going to learn how to connect in an intimate, beautiful way. You know, one of the things you talk about in the book and also on your podcast is that when there is a breakdown often in sex and a relationship and it's not happening, which usually means the communication is not happening, women in particular tend to internalize it as their fault.

Yes. Why is that the case? And what do you want to say about that to the women that are? listening today. I want you to know that, oh, that it's not, that really, I think that we tend to, whenever we get criticized or anything, we have any, really just any feedback. A lot of us go to the negative place. A lot of us go to, I am not enough. I'm not good enough. Something's wrong with my body. You know, I gain weight or I'm not what I want to be. And we go to this place of like, You know, yeah, that it's wrong.

And I think that's our wiring. I think it's our conditioning for many, many reasons. You know, as humans, we tend to default towards what is wrong as a protection, as a safety measure to, I guess, protect ourselves from, you know, danger and fear and all the ways we have to do it. But I just wanted women to know, especially that in 99% of these cases, it is not. about you, your body, anything that you've done. First off, it probably has to do with something that your partner has a desire about, it has a need about, and wasn't able to explain to you, or wasn't able to communicate about.

So, like, if your partner can't get an erection, comes too fast, doesn't initiate, isn't initiating ever, isn't doing the things that you want in bed. It's mostly because they don't know either. They don't know what you want. There was something going on in their life. It doesn't have to do with you. And I know that I'm just one person telling you that. But after literally helping millions of people and talking to thousands of people,

I know for a fact that it's a very individual experience, what's happening sexually, that it's not your greatest fear. I think all of our greatest fears that we're not lovable and that we are not enough and that we're going to be rejected, right? But when it comes to sex, it's sort of compounded. and we just think I wasn't sexy enough. I didn't do something. And let's bring into body shame.

A lot of us don't. We're walking around. Here's another big factor. And I talk a lot. This is one of the pillars of sexual intelligence is self-acceptance. And again, we all have body insecurities, men and women. But for women in particular, if we're walking around all day in a body that we're not feeling great about, I've gained a few pounds.

I don't love that, you know, the way my thighs look when I'm naked. I've got these stretch marks. And I know that my partner is going to be looking at in the bedroom. We have all these things like all day long. We're literally, we're covering up. Maybe we even walk more hunched over. We want the lights off in the bedroom. It's going to be so hard to have the pleasure that I want for you and the sex life that

I know you can have when you are not accepting your own body. It's more like if you're hating your body all day and then you expect to just be able to show up in the bedroom and feel like your sexy, sensual goddess self, it's going to be really hard to flip that switch until we do that internal work towards self-acceptance. And I'm not even going to say, Drew, it has to be body love. I'm not going to say it has to even be body-like. I'm going to say, can we head towards some body neutrality where I am not hating my body, but I'm even more neutral? Because that's going to be a, that's going to be a much safer place to come up, a much easier place to start to build your

arousal and your connection back to yourself. Learning to love your body or like your body. Learning to accept your body as it is. And your partner, one more thing here is they are not looking at your body in the way that you think they are. They are so excited to be with you in the bedroom, your body, they're turned on. They are not where you're at at all. And I wish I could just implant that as a knowing,

tender point for women who just worry about all of these things for a myriad of reasons. That's a great reminder. I think that a lot of people, men and women, right? Because everybody deals with it. But in particular, just knowing some of the stats and how women internalize it, I think that's going to be an important reminder for folks that are listening. I want to talk about pornography. Okay.

Where do you want couples and especially men to understand that, it's now getting in the way of them creating true intimacy. And are there healthy examples of people, whether individually or couples, using pornography as part of the relationship, that, you know, because typically when you sort of turn on the news today, are you looking at online magazines and for good reasons,

anytime pornography is discussed, it's probably mostly in a negative fashion and hijacking dopamine and the brain and everything. And of course, we've had on people like Andrew Huberman talk a little bit about that. But yeah, where's it healthy and can be used in a healthy way in a relationship? And where is it really driving a wedge and stripping and eating away at the intimacy that couples can create together? It's a really good question because we love to blame everything on porn.

And so, okay, so here's what's been happening with porn over the last 15, 20 years is that porn has become pervasive. If you grew up, you were like the iPad generation, you grew up with an iPad in your hand. these young people probably saw the first flicker of porn when they were eight years old. And as an eight-year-old, this is what the studies of showing. First off, it probably was very alarming and disturbing. And your parents didn't even talk to you about it or you didn't tell them. So again, this is also what's building up a lot of the shame and confusion around sex. And so that is a problem right there because porn without sex education is a disaster.

it's detrimental. The majority of porn that we see is made by men for men. And we're going to talk, we can talk about some other porn that I do recommend. And from the male gaze and we're not seeing any accurate information. It's literally a movie that is scripted from a male gaze, what a man might like to see. And since there's not sex education, healthy sex education, pretty much anywhere in the world, except for in the Dutch countries, which I can get into it. But we can talk about America.

I know you have listeners everywhere, but I would say European countries. Most of the sex that we get is very, very limited. Maybe it's a day or two in high school or middle school. It's information that is not helpful for the sex that we're talking about today. It's, you know, fear-based. It says don't get pregnant. Don't get an SDI. Don't get an STD.

And probably that's about it. It talks about your menstrual cycle and all these things. but what's missing is the accurate information about pleasure and about consent and about, you know, what, yeah, like masturbation, which is a huge part of being sexually healthy. So anyway, we're seeing this porn. So we're seeing it a young age and it's confusing. But then from, let's say you asked about men, I think in particular. And again, I am not bashing porn. Porn has its use.

It can be very titillating. It can be really fun for masturbation. I think even the right kind of porn can be great tools for couples. to learn together and say, hey, let's watch this scene. And I kind of thought this was hot. Do you find this to be hot? And so it can be a great, you know, unifier for couples in small doses. But where porn becomes a problem is when somebody is using porn every single time they masturbate.

And they realize that it starts to have negative consequences. For example, they can only get aroused when looking at porn. and when they're actually with a human, it's a lot harder to get turned on. They have to keep escalating the kinds of porn they're watching so it becomes more extreme, meaning there's more scenes that it's actually making them uncomfortable, but they're no longer getting turned on

just by two couples or two people, then it needs to be like just extreme, more gangbain, more violence, more, whatever, and they don't even feel great about it. So the porn is kind of got out of control and there's consequences. So if there's consequences to your porn watching to your sex life, like you again, like all the things I just named, that's when we know that there's probably been, there's a problem with it. Okay.

So you were talking about some of the things that you recommend that couples can use in a healthy way, not as a dose that it's a crush that people are relying on. Because typically what you see is you see a breakdown in sex in a relationship. And you have typically in the case of porn, because it's visual, you have men relying on that as a, crutch for themselves and not and then even further a relationship breaks down right and you don't end up talking about anything inside of a relationship and and separate even from just how that it impacts your intimate connection with another human being with men obviously there's a whole component of it impacting your sort of just drive as a whole right especially when people are starting now you're getting in like porn addiction and other things like that yes exactly so what are some some better tools that are

Are you literally talking about like, you know, better brands of sort of porn? Yes, there are. There's like ethical porn. There's something called there's some websites. I also have these on my site. I have a resource page on my site. It's called like the Smart Sex Resource Guide. And I list a bunch of them.

But one is like Balesa. There's another one by Erica Lust. There's another one called Make Love Not Porn. And these are made more from the female gays. So get this. This is porn with a plot. where you see real bodies, all different body types. You see the warm up.

You see the foreplay. You might even see some lube, some toys. You see fantasies that are more akin to what real sex might look like, especially for women. Now, I'm telling you, it's not the guys are going to be, okay, great, now we put your porn in and it's not hot. I am telling you it's hot. It will do the service for you.

It will be hot and sexy and it's not, you know, like a movie. It's not like an hour-long movie. but it's just a little bit more softer. It's a little bit more, it's less like, I guess, aggressive and one-sided. And so, yeah, I would say that couples and, you know, something on the Astno-Mabee list is watching porn together. And I give couples also tools on how to kind of do that. So I think that, you know, not everybody has a problem with porn, but I love to see healthy porn as a tool that couples can use because everything that I'm talking today,

and I love that you start with communication is I'm just giving people a bunch of tools. And I don't know that you're going to use all of them, but I just want you to grab a one and start there. Because I know how hard it is. I know that most of us have been wired in ways against sex or around sex. That just isn't true. It's not helpful. It's not useful. So maybe it's watching some female friendly porn together.

Maybe it's yes. No, maybe. But anyway, going back to the porn thing is that in relationships, too, let's just get into this part of it. you might not even have a problem for it. You might just be masturbating in a relationship because let me say this, I believe, and I know that this is something that I recommend, is that it's important to masturbate in a relationship, whether you are married, you know, dating somebody.

It's a really important part of being sexually healthy overall. It's the way that we connect to ourselves. It is the relationship with our body. When I talked early about body neutrality, one of my tips that I give from me, one of the is to masturbate is to get like, who am I? Like take a mirror and look between your legs. What is going on here?

And I guess I'm speaking more to women now because I think that men, men are a little bit more comfortable with masturbation. I think that with women, they think I don't need to, I don't need to. But remember that sex begets sex. If you've been having lower desire and not really in the mood for sex, one of my top tips is to give yourself an orgasm, give yourself pleasure, start to understand how your body works. It wasn't until I started doing that.

I know for many of my listeners, they really started literally taking matters into their own hands, saying like, how does my machinery work? What is going on here? I'm going to learn what makes you feel good because then I can explain to a partner. Then I can say, oh, look what I learned about myself. I like this kind of touch or this kind of softness or this feels good. And when I use this lobe or I use this toy or this is what you could do. It's our own machinery.

Our partners are going to come in and be able to, they might be able to figure some things out. But like, we are responsible for our own bodies or our own pleasure. Like, we need to take responsibility for that. And I bring this up because in a lot of relationship, there's, we shame our partners for masturbating. I hear this all the time. I caught my partner masturbating. He only wants to, you know, he's looking at porn that's cheating. Every couple gets to decide what constitutes cheating and violations.

But I do not think that porn should be one of them. In fact, I know that it's a stress reliever. It's a way of connecting to our body. Like, it's perfectly healthy. Again, like I said, it becomes a problem when it's replacing the sex you're having with your partner, what it's getting in the way of it. But I just want to, like, say that it's masturbation is a very healthy tool across the board.

How do you recommend that couples have that conversation of if you're going to want them to weave it into their sex life? And again, it's not the only way you want people having sex. is just with themselves and masturbating. You want a healthy sex foundation between, you know, the people in the relationship. And so let's say a couple has that. How do you have a conversation and more, I guess I'm asking for like the people that are listening that are looking for permission to have that conversation to say like,

hey, listen, I want masturbation to be a regular part of your life. And like that also might mean that you need to carve it out, right? So, you know, what are ways to encourage your partner to make masturbation a regular part of their healthy sex life? Well, I think it's there's a few, there's a few steps. The first thing is giving them some just information about like that masturbation is good for you, that it's going to help you connect to your body more, that an orgasm is, is great for your mood. It helps clear your skin. It can help PMS.

It helps us, you know, feel more sexual, that there's all these health benefits and that maybe you could show some stuff. about people who, you know, again, I've got, I've got so much information for you all my website. Like, if your partner's like a study, like they need to know, like, what are you talking about? I think it's evil. Maybe it's giving them information, the facts that people who masturbate feel more self-assured. They feel more confident in the bedroom. They feel more, you know, all the factors. So maybe that's part of it if they need that information.

And then it could say, like, let's figure it out together. I'm a huge fan of couples. Even though I'm sick masturbation, you know, can be solo play, solo act. I like the idea of maybe doing it with a partner. I don't know if this would be too premature in the conversation I'm addressing now, but side note is mutual masturbation is a really, really hot take and a hot tool for couples to do it together where you're both lying side by side, but you're pleasing yourself. And it's kind of like a twofer because you're looking over and you're like, oh, wow.

First off, it's really hot to see you taking your pleasure into your own hands. and oh, I didn't know that when you touched yourself, you use two fingers on your labia or you lay on your stomach or you do this thing that might be helpful for me to know next time we're together, we're pleasing each other. So it's hot and it's actually a three-fer because you know you're going to get off. Like you know you're going to have an orgasm. So it's educational. It's you're learning about your partner and it's just really titillating to see.

So that's one, that's just something you can work into the mix. Maybe you go shopping for a toy together. I really want to take away the stigma of using toys. Our bodies are packed with nerve endings. And essentially using a toy is another way to stimulate those nerve endings. You're not going to become dependent on it. No one's going to know it in my history has ever left their partner for a vibrator. There's a lot of fear around vibrators and it's going to like replace you in the bedroom,

that it's going to like you're never be able to have pleasure in any other way. But again, these nerve endings and it goes for men too, you've got a lot of nerve endings that just can't be stimulated by, you know, there's deeper internal nerve endings that feel great with the toy. There's external ones. You know, a lot of vibrators today are just like little handheld devices that look like a pebble or like a stone or a rock and they, I think people think that there are these big phallic-shaped objects and sure those exist. But essentially, there are just little vibrations that just can kind of help stimulate blood flow because arousal and orgasm and pleasure is about blood flow to these nerve endings, whether it's like

your nipples, your vagina, your penis, your shaft, your anus, nerve endings. And a vibrator is just a great tool to have in your toolkit. So for couples who want to play with masturbation, maybe you go shopping. I just launched a great store on my website at sexelmy.com. It's like a shop with Emily. And I get literally for 20 years, 20 pounds of sex toys delivered to my office. People wanting me to try them all the time. And I picked out my favorites and I curated a store that has the latest and greatest toys on it.

so you can check those out and go shopping for a more curated experience. And like, sometimes that's really fun because, again, what couples are craving is novelty and newness and excitement. And we will get bored doing the same things over and over again. So if it's a new toy or a new bottle of lube that night and that's going to get you going, you know, since buying our new tennis shoes, we're like, oh, I want to go for a run now. And I'm a new tennis racket. I want to play tennis.

Like, get a new toy. Get a new piece of something that makes you, you know, wearing something that makes you feel sexy. So like these are all the sex accessories that can help make this experience a lot more pleasurable. That's great. Is there any true to this idea? We've had different people come on the podcast and share some version of this. And they've all been, you know, women. The idea that like women need to orgasm.

And that word need is always a little bit tough. But what they mean by the sentiment is that women are designed to orgasm more than men. and that by having regular, like, you know, I've heard, you know, two to three times as much, it's a big part of women's creative energy. It's a big part of what make them feel excited in life, their immune system. So, yeah, what are your thoughts on that? Yeah, I think that that orgasm is sort of the power source. It's the our pelvic floor and where our sexual energy is to cultivate that.

And we can have more orgasms. Our refractory period is a little. lot shorter than men. So yeah, I think cultivating that sexual energy, I have a practice that's it's meditate, masturbate, manifest. And I think that's a great way to kind of harness your sexual energy. I think that it's connecting to your orgasm at the time of like when you're orgasming to sort of have a, to manifest something that you want or to be thinking about your, you know, where you want to go or what's important to you. It is magic. It's, it's, it's a, it's It is a, I mean, our bodies are, or are capable of so many, so much, so much healing.

And so, yeah, I think that orgasm is a really important part of being in touch, being sexually healthy. It's our creative source. I think the more that we orgasm, the more creative we might feel, the more in touch we are. So, yeah, there's a lot of power in the female orgasm. And there's a lot of different ways to orgasm. Once we let go, I mean, the good news here, is that what's getting in the way of orgasm for the majority of people with a vulva is our mind, is our thoughts around it that we can't get there, that we don't deserve it.

And so usually with a lot of the work that I lay out, a lot of the tips and tools, you can get there and you can continue to give yourself more and more pleasure over time. You know, you have this whole chapter, which I think is worth touching on, is chapter six, and it's called Get Down with Going Down. Yeah. And you open up that chapter by sharing the story that you were in a relationship and that you had a partner who you had brought up to him, the idea that, hey, listen, like, you know, how do you feel about like our sex life? And that led into, you don't go down on me as much as you did previously. And that led to this whole thing of like him saying, hey, this isn't my thing.

And you open up the chapter there. And there's plenty more to it. You know, people pick it up, read, read about the story. You know, you have a bunch of stories like that throughout the book. And ultimately it led you to this place where like, no, this is actually something like super important to my sexual health. And in that moment, in that instance, I'm sure there was other factors that were part of it. Ultimately, you decided to kind of go in a different direction. Exactly.

You guys weren't married or anything like that. What do you want people to know about this topic? And especially in the context of you've mentioned it a few times here, that a lot of women actually have a hard time, not that orgasm is always the goal, but that they can't experience an orgasm just through penetration. I think he said it was 20% of women can, only 20% of women can experience orgasm through penetration. That means that the rest of them are going to need some sort of other stimulation that's there. Exactly.

So, yeah, well, that was early, that relationship with his partner, what I realized was, that was a really big, that was a big moment for me. because I think I just probably started studying human sexuality and started this my career. And I remember thinking like, first off, I was like many people. I had never talked about my sex life. And I was like, I got to practice what I preach. I got to practice what I'm studying. Of course, I believe this.

And I remember saying, I'm like, I realize that that oral sex was a huge part of source of my arousal and pleasure. And that I, yeah, I wasn't getting from him. And he was like, oh, it's just not my thing. And yeah, there were other problems in the relationship. but what I realize is that like I first off, the more I started talking about, I realized like I'm not alone that only 20% of women are going to orgasm from anything to do with the penis, okay?

20%. Again, for many reasons why sex is sort of messed up in our culture, it's like we are told that sex is about penetration because of procreation. And there's so many who believe that you should only have sex for that fact, for that matter. But women, what we're missing out on is the ability to have, you know, more pleasure that comes from a mouth or from fingers or from toys. And I just want women to feel like less shame around it because I think what I know,

one of the reasons why I started this career was because I felt that something was wrong with me because I, everything that I saw in movies, romance movies or porn or anything, was that women were having these incredible orgasms during penetration. And it's just not true. Like it happens for some. and there's reasons why, but it doesn't happen for all of us. So to be able to advocate for what you want

and ask for it. And now, knowing what I know now, I maybe would have, well, no, this guy would eat other pounds. I'm thinking because when I reread that chapter, I was like, oh, God, everything I'm talking about, it's like talking and working. We had worked on things.

He had decided that oral sex going down on a woman wasn't his jam. And I would say that, like, knowing what I know now, like, honestly, there's many reasons for that. I think that we, who knows what his history was with it. Maybe he had a bad experience once. He didn't know what he was doing, you know.

But I think that that's also okay. We don't have to all love every sex act. But what I encourage people do, going back to communication, is have these conversations early on in the relationship. Because once you figure out what your requirements are for sex, what makes you feel good, what sex acts get you going, how you have the most orgasms, how you want to communicate about sex.

Like find out if your partner's aligned to. Yes, it matters if your partner wants to have kids. If you guys want to practice the same religion. If you want to live in the same city. If you want to take care of your kids in the same way. If your parents get sick, can they live with you? How you're going to handle money? All those conversations need to happen, I believe, before you get married or you commit to somebody.

But so does the sex conversation. And again, since sex has been shrouded in mystery and we don't really know how to unpack it, many people find themselves in relationships and they start to do this work, this sexual exploitation work and they realize, oh, no, I am with somebody who just doesn't have the growth mindset, doesn't want to talk about it. So I encourage you that you do the work on yourself. We'll also communicate into a partner and find out, are they willing to do what it takes to make sure that you have pleasure and satisfaction?

Yeah. And I think the other thing that I'd add into the mix, you know, in a traditional sort of male-female relationship for, you know, for women is that, you know, a lot of men, they also have bad idea of what oral sex looks like from pornography too. Yes. Right? So they were never taught. And so it's important that you communicate what's important to you and how you actually

feel loved and how you create pleasure inside of body because there's a bunch of men running around and they don't have any fucking clue what they're doing. Exactly. And they, they, it's scary for them to open up and admit it. Right. And say like, hey, actually, I don't know exactly. You know, it's funny, you know, I've ever seen, like, have you ever seen like Jimmy Kimmel does this sometimes? And they love late night shows.

They'll go to like Hollywood Boulevard or they'll go to like Times Square and they'll have like a picture of the anatomy of a woman. Right. Yeah. And they'll say, okay, like, what's this area? And they'll point to the clitoris, right? And like guys are like, I have no idea. Yeah. And it's funny.

It's usually like them kind of picking on guys to kind of come in and they'll ask them like basic questions. They're kind of funny. I've seen some of them. Like, you know, they'll ask. about like a woman's period, like very basic questions. And of course, this goes back to just education. We're just not taught educationally, but it's not just guys, right? If you probably would ask a lot of women about some of these questions, you'll find that a lot of women don't know the basics of even their cycle and their cycle has different phases. So society and media loves to

make it a gender thing, but this really goes back to this larger conversation is that a lot of people just don't fucking know because they haven't been taught. Exactly. And that is even more of a reason to have this open dialogue and communication back and forth and actually to get a chance to explore it together as a couple so that you can be back to a place where you actually are not only understanding but leaning into the idea that, hey, actually we want pleasure to be a central part of our life. Exactly. It's all about prioritizing the pleasure. It's all about getting rid of all of this fear around it and the shame around it and saying like, yeah, can we just agree that we want pleasure? We don't know how we're going to get there. It's a little bit messy right now. I've

got some shame around oral sex or I don't really know what I'm doing, but like let's figure it out together. I mean, if you come from that place, you know, how could we not want to make our partners feel good? Like, especially if I'm telling you all now that most of what you know probably isn't true or hasn't served you. And yeah, I think that I, I used to think this too. I thought that, well, guys, I really believed when I was younger that guys were shipped off to some secret school where they learned all about female nabity. Like literally someone sat there. with like a clitoris and the uterus. And they were like, this is all the things.

Because I just thought that was just fed to me that men knew, like, because they were in charge and they were initiating. But turns out they don't know. Women don't know. Like they really, you could show them the picture of the clitoris too. Most of us think that it's just that external little bud above our vaginal opening. But it actually has legs. It has 12,000 nerve endings that extend deep inside.

So it's, there's just a lot going on there that we don't know. And the more we can have even like humility and grace. around oral sex and say like, and even today be a clean slate saying like, I've been trying to figure it out. I don't really know, but maybe you could help me because again, this is why masturbation is so important because when we do this on our own, we're going to start to know what feels good. And then we can kind of point our partner in that direction so they're not guessing. And of course, I do have tips for great embodied oral sex in there.

But I think that it's also case by case basis. I give a lot of things in there, but since everybody is different, you know, if you're learning together, you will, you will figure it out. No choice. Yeah. What are some aspects that you still see that are drivers that get in the way of like when you start to have a conversation. And let's say you've gotten to the place to realize, okay, this is important to me. And I know it's important to my partner to where I think it's important. Let's start to have a conversation. Let's start to work on that. So you've taken that initial first step and you've started that communication, that dialogue. There are plenty times where people fall off the wagon or they go back to

their default neural network, right? They go back to how things were. What are the things that trip couples off once they've gotten started that they want to prioritize this, that these things can, can, you know, knock them off the horse and then they have a hard time getting back on? Is there anything that kind of comes to mind. Yeah, yeah, that's a really good question. That people can be aware of and understand like, hey, this is normal. Yeah. You know, these are the things that could still get kind of in the way, even if you've had

that initial sort of conversation that we want to have smarter sex. We want to prioritize, you know, intimacy and pleasure inside of our relationship, but still some things can kind of knock you down. Yeah, there's a lot of things. Life gets in the way. I mean, life gets in the way. Of course, first thing that comes to my mind is kids, acknowledging that if you've children, your sex life isn't going to be what it once was, but there's ways to work around that

and just acknowledging that maybe we won't be a sexual for a while, but we still need to, you know, make time for it. Another thing is date night. Couples stop dating. They stop making time for themselves. And I think the Gottman's have a great study about this where they say like couples. And I think it's like a long, longitudinal study where they show that couples who prioritize date night for at least a year or, you know, for a period of time had more.

success sexually, romantically in their relationship than couples who did not, who let it slip by the wayside. Like, I want couples to hold that date night, date night as sacred. And you, maybe you don't talk about work or you don't talk about your phone, you don't break your phones or you leave your phones in the car. What's some good do's and don'ts around date night when it comes from everything to the actual execution of it, to the planning of it? Because I find that date night often has some of the same issues that initiating with sex

does. Usually there's one that's a planner. There's one that's not as much of a planner. Right? So what are some tips around date night? Because you're saying it's that important. It's that important. It's like you do not.

You get it. You just, you can't like it's like anything you commit to, I guess. And you're like we are doing, even if you. So some tips around date night is agreeing that you're going to have that one night a week. And it's. And that's the cadence that you recommend. One night a week. Yeah, one night a week.

And I also want to recommend that you, I think that the last few years we've all gotten really comfortable just like staying home watching movies. Like if you talk to couples and there was another study about this too that said when they felt the most connect or what they do for fun, most couples are sitting in front of the TV. Like that's where we connect. And there's nothing wrong for that. Like I love my shows. This is one of my favorite things sit.

It's really enjoyable. But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about making an effort where, listen, how about one of you plans at one week and one of you plans at the next week or at least one of you plans it once a month if you're not the planner. But you find things that are outside of your comfort, outside of your wheelhouse. I mean, I don't care what city you live in. You could Google right now, like things happening in my city this weekend.

And there's going to be an art fair of visiting, you know, maybe there's like a food something. There's a new restaurant opening. There's, you know, things happening. A walk you can take. A hike. Something going to a different neighborhood. Couples who played together, stayed together. You want to be stimulating your environment.

and yourselves with new things to try together. So then you have that charge. Like we've never been to this place before. Like how fun is this? It's something different because we all get set in our routines. We go to work. We come home. We do our things.

And that's just not interesting. And what couples say is that what couples crave in longer term relationships, they crave novelty. They crave variety. They crave spontaneity. So what can you do in those date nights? That's maybe you surprise your partner. you like know that you got tickets to a show that they love.

Keep a note in your phone if you're not great. I'm not a great planner. My partner says something to me like, God, my favorite band's coming in June. I'm like putting a note down like get tickets or he loves Italian food. I heard there was a new Italian restaurant. You guys, this takes effort. This is just, this is, but this is a way of showing love to your partner. This is a way of showing that you want to do something that makes them feel good

that's prioritizing the relationship because then you can just have a list of date night when's your turn and those are things that you can do you could also stay home and cook together you can you know go get some ingredients where you make something new but it's something that you are when i say play together it's because when you're doing something you also are getting that shared dopamine it's new it's something that's like you had an experience together so you're getting connected again it's not just we're having the same conversation about the same things over and over again it's intentional and that is a big part of as you had mentioned that's a big part of the arousal process for a lot of people.

Yes. Tends to be, you know, women more so just based on my experience, but it's part of for men as well. And so it kind of gets you in the mood and it makes you feel loved and it makes you feel also just alive that we're not just doing the same old thing and that life is getting in the way each time that we're carving out some necessary time. You know, if you would zoom out and sort of look at it, do you see that that's like, you know, for the first time in history, we actually have room enough in the relationship where

we can create this, whereas in the past, whether we had, you know, the resources or whether we had, when I'm talking about the past, I'm talking about like 500 years ago, 200 years, you know, that sort of thing. And people were just busy trying to survive. Right. Now we actually have the room enough that we can self-actualize and self-actualizing as part of a relationship is exploring our intimacy together, which is not just sex and orgasms. It's actually arousal and activation of all these other aspects.

because those things relate to what it means to be alive. Exactly. Yes. All of those things are contributing to what means to be alive, to having more pleasure. All of these things are interconnected. And what I think that what I really want to understand is that your mental health, your physical health, your spiritual health, your self-awareness, your self-confidence, your spirituality, like all of these factors are contributing to you feeling connected to your

partner connected to your sexuality like they're all and now we can do that so if we if we kind of pay attention to all of these things they're going to it's going to facilitate more connection it's going to facilitate more pleasure just as a byproduct of seeing the connection between it like when we kind of bifurcate sex as just being this activity that should kind of happen i hope in some way that you know if we connect it to our entire being and the way we're connecting to our partner it's just going to fit in it's going to be a lot easier to make make sure that you're, you know, doing what you need to do to stay connected. And like this date night is a part of it, you know, like, because that, then again, on those nights is a great night to have,

to have sex, but you are going to be feeling connecting. You can even start to plan for that once we get to that point. So, yeah, intentionality, educating yourself around what all, all the arousal patterns are, are all going to help you. And it's okay. And I want to give people compassion right now because people are like, oh, I don't know any of this. I think for many. And it's like, it's okay. you know more than you think and start where you're at. The sexual journey is a long winding road and it's always changing too. And I want to point that out that what you might have liked early on in the relationship, you might not want a year in, five years in.

What you might have wanted last month, you don't want this month, which kind of makes it exciting to know that it's like a time to like, you know, this is why communicating about it is so helpful to kind of have markers of like, this is what I like now, what do you want later? and it gets to evolve together, being intentional, deciding that you're going to focus on it. It evolves and it's exciting. You know, on the flip side, the thing that I feel like is so sad when you see it out there, and obviously there's plenty of reasons why people get divorced, right?

There's probably, there's not probably, there are healthy reasons why people get, you know, divorce and relationships are not meant to be together. But the saddest part is when somebody takes the challenges of a relationship and just projects them all on one other person and says that the reason why. you know, we don't have a great sex life or the reason why we don't have fun and play and great intimacy in this relationship is it's the other person's fault. And then they go out there in the world looking for it. And like all things that are new, sure, you'll find something in the new honeymoon phase. But wherever you go, there you are and your problems will always

catch up with you. And that's why when you look at divorce rates, it's like if you get married a second time, you know, the divorce rate when you're married for the first time is like roughly around like 50-50. The second time you get married, the divorce rate is like 60%. The third time you get married, the divorce rate is like 70%. And for people who are beyond that, there are people that are beyond that, the percentages go up every single time you get divorced. And it's just another reminder that you cannot run away from your contribution to any kind of a relationship. You know, I'm not obviously talking about acts of sexual violence, abuse, those things out there exist in the world and we don't want any of that stuff. But when it comes to these aspects of maintaining

intimacy, joy, connection, pleasure, like, that's both people participating on it. Exactly. You're both. And I mean, that's such a great statement about just some relationships in general. If you are constantly pointing your finger, it's all your partner's fault. Even if their partner cheated or did something, you know, heinous, we are responsible. We are 50% of the relationship. And so we have to do the work of looking at ourselves. We have to look at Like, what is my contribution to this? How can we, you know, I want to remind people that relationships are not about perfection, that most of relationships is about repair.

How do we repair? How do we come together? How do we talk about our challenges? How do we talk about what's getting in the way of it? And how do we repair often? I also talk about in the book about the state of the union. It's called the sexual state of the union, but couples can just do a state of the union where they get once a month and they talk about everything that's maybe like what's gone well,

what hasn't gone well. Like, it's kind of like a business meeting that you'd have with your team. Like, how are we doing? What's our goals? We met our KPIs. Like, you can do that in your relationship as well. Because otherwise, the resentments build. I've expected my partner to do everything.

And this is the person who's doing the finger pointing is usually the person who's put all these expectations. Because 500 years ago, we didn't expect our partner to be our everything either. They weren't our confidant, our best friend, our handy man or woman, our chef, our, you know, the one who consoled us when we're down, our nurse. are, you know, like plus one everywhere. I mean, we put so much pressure for our partner to be everything that they just can't win.

And I just think that this is what is also getting in the way. Like, we need to have rich, full, beautiful lives with really good friends and mentors and people that can keep us, you know, like keep us, you know, I guess feeling alive and connected and learn from people. But we put all that pressure. It's so directional. Like if you're the ones like, yeah, that's my partner. I'm really angry right now.

And this is resonating with you. I would take like I would zoom back for a minute and I would like zoom out and then maybe slow down and say like what is my part in this? We all have a part in something. That's the internal work. And that's why we love therapy. Let's say somebody's just beginning a new relationship and they're looking for those sort of early signs that maybe something needs to have a chance to be talked about. what are some topics or even ways to approach those topics? And I'm talking about sex, but I'm also talking about the expectations that people

walk into relationships, right? People have all sorts of expectations. They watched a Disney movie once when they were four years old, and they think that, you know, somebody should sweep them off their feet and that, you know, they're primarily, you know, whatever it might be. There's all expectations. Man, women have different expectations. What do you think are some of the crucial conversations to have at the beginning of

stage to help people see where they're not aligned so they can get a chance to work on things. I love this question. I mean, I think that I think it's important to be clear about what our values are. I mean, it kind of just comes back to like it's important to me, you know, to be somebody who is, you know, gives back to the culture, gives back to society, who makes time for friendships, who prioritizes. I think it's really about personally talking about what we want, how we see our lives, getting clear on like, you know, how important is family to you, like our own family.

Like my parents, we're going to have dinner with them once a week, or we're going to travel to these places or this is how we're going to spend money. I mean, I think it comes down to talking about your values around some very basic things, like how you're going to prioritize it, how you're going to spend money, the importance of family, both your current family and the family that you want to, do you want to have kids. How are you going to spend your time? what's important to you on the weekends. Are you going to be social?

I mean, these are all the things that get in the way of couples. And then constantly, like, re-evaluating that. Like, how are we doing? I think that we don't often spend time thinking, like, what, you know, when we have fights with someone, it's usually because there was an unspoken expectation or agreement that we thought they made an agreement that isn't happening. So I think really being able to look at like, I mean, this happens all the time that we just, usually if you're having a fight with your partner, it's because there's an expectation

that either you feel like you explained and they'd expressed and they didn't get it or maybe you didn't. And so every time you go to repair something is a great time to continue to get deeper into what you both want and how to learn and how to continue to communicate. But it's not going to happen when you go on autopilot. So I think early on spending a lot of time talking about how you envision your life. And the thing is, a lot of you aren't clear on that either though. I think that people sometimes don't really know.

We live in the moment and the present. but if you're someone who is the planner and you are the visionary, like, try to get your partner to really, like, talk about this with you and like, where do you want to live, where we're going? What feels good to us? Do we want to be out with other couples? Do we want to be with that with other couples? Do we want to share this together? I mean, I hear one of us all the time. It was like, my partner won't do anything with me. We've been together 10 years. And if I want to take a trip or I want to go for a hike or I want to go to the farmer's market, they're not coming with me. And it's like, could we have figured these things? things out earlier on, those signs are there. People show you who they are very early on the relationship. In fact, I remember my mother told me this once. If the issues you have on the third date, you will have forever. Okay. It's all there. But the problem is we don't often see it because we're in that falling in love stage and the lust and we're like, oh, they're going to change or it's not that important. No, it's important. If they were late for the first few dates, that's going to become an issue.

That's going to bother you. They were cheap. They didn't tip the weight staff enough. That's going to bother you in the relationship. Like, it is all there. And also you can't date someone on potential. Like, I hope they change or they're going to change once I'm with them. People don't change unless they want to change.

So I guess what I'm saying is you have a lot of the information you need. Can you either accept that this is who your partner is? Are you willing to have the difficult conversations to find out how important is it that my partner goes to the farmer's market. I've got wonderful friends. I don't actually need him to go pick out the tomatoes for the week. I actually really love doing that with my partner, with my friend. I actually don't need him to go to these movie premieres or the things that I do. Or maybe you do decide, I want a plus one. I want a partner who's by my side. If someone's that's not their nature, they're not going to change for you. So like really getting honest with

ourselves, what is important to me? What are my priorities? Understanding that we're going to change, but we pretty much know who we are right now. And am I having unrealistic expectations? My partners are going to fulfill all of those needs because, like, one person doing everything with you is not going to work. It doesn't work for the majority of us. Are there ever any times that you give new couples

or men or women who are listening to you an idea of what red flags look like sexually? And that doesn't mean that, you know, that they stay away from the person. It may mean that you're leaning in. this is something that needs to be talked about before you maybe go down to for the road. So are there any sexual red flags? Yeah. Well, let me start with one that is not a red flag and people think it's a red flag.

And I think that people are going to feel really, very good about this. Especially, I think I hear about this from women more than men. If somebody is not a bad kisser on the first date, it doesn't mean that they are not, that you need to dump them and not go out with them again. Even if they're like not great in bed the first time, I do not think that is a red flag. we go into relationships with our previous sexual history. We are nervous. We don't know how this person kissed.

We've never had our lips on their lips. How the hell do they know what to do? So give some chance, give people a chance, have some grace. You haven't yet communicated about what you want either. Again, I think it's important to communicate often early too in a relationship. So that is not a red flag. We can work on that stuff, okay? Someone you're just getting to know each other.

So what might be a red flag though is somebody, who isn't willing to talk about sex isn't really interested in your pleasure at all. They're more about their own orgasm, what they want. They are, you know, prioritizing their own pleasure, I guess. I could say like they are gesturing towards oral sex on them, but they're not going down on you. They are sort of maybe they make they shame you in a way that, You know, I think the problem with shame is with sex is that sometimes we just, since we don't talk about it,

and publicly or even to ourselves, we think, well, they did something that made me feel bad. Like if you feel bad after having sex with somebody because maybe they laughed at something you did or they didn't honor, you wanted the lights off and they kept turning them on or they addressed you too quickly and you want them to slow down and they didn't listen, that's a red flag, that they're not paying attention to your cues, that they're not listening, that they're not slowing down and they're not paying attention even after you gave feedback too. So I think you can tell if somebody's just really going through the motions and it's specifically motions that feel good to them. If you feel like, you know, that they're just not paying attention to you,

that you are just another vessel for them to have sex, there's not eye contact, there's not connection, there's not a pattern recognition. Those would all be signs. And again, if you try to talk about sex and they're like, oh, no, I don't want to talk about sex, huge red flag. If a couple decides that they need help to explore this whole topic, that it's too difficult or maybe there's too much baggage that comes up so they never end up having a productive conversation, any tips on the type of person they should be looking out for?

I find that sometimes when couples are having breakdowns in the space of intimacy, while a good couple's therapist can be great, do people ever need to see somebody who maybe has more experience with talking about sexual matters, because I think a challenge for a lot of therapists that people go and see, and it's all about finding the right fit. It is. Is that you have somebody who doesn't really chime in on whether or not something is necessarily good or bad, and a couple might need a little bit of, like, therapy, but they also might need some coaching in terms of how to have a conversation.

Yeah. You know, a lot of therapists, and they will submitly say this, regular traditional marriage and family therapists or psychotherapists, we're not trained in sexual. I mean, the field of work that I'm talking to you about right now, even just the field of human sexuality, hasn't been studied for very long. I mean, maybe 40, 50 years with Kinsey Institute, you know, starting in the late 50s, 60s.

But since then, it's been riddled with shame and fear. And I just got an article side note from a friend this morning who wrote about the Kinsey Institute in Indiana, which is, again, the leading place of sex education and sexual science that it's being defunded because of because it's sex. So let me just say that it's a very new science. So many therapists, traditional therapists that you go to,

have not been trained in human sexuality. So finding someone who says, I am trained in sexuality, maybe they're an asex therapist, the American society for sex educators, the acronym is asexact. And somebody just mentions that I help couples sexually would be a great place to start.

And a lot of the work that sexual sex therapists do is more about embodiment, like more about connection. When you sit with a couple, you have them breathe together. You give them homework assignments where they go home and maybe they practice with one-way touch. Because sex is so, again, so fraught with we're both trying to perform and we're both trying to please. And then we're not in our bodies. And so really a great sex therapist will help you stay grounded. will help you feel what you're actually feeling in your body so you can make requests

from a place of groundedness and knowing and being in touch with our body, you know, with our cues in our body. And they really help couples navigate the language of the body rather than the language of the mind because sex really is about our bodies and letting go. I mean, the mind-body connection is an important thing to master and to work on. But a lot of it is this wisdom that we have and knowing and we just silence it with all of our thoughts. So a really trained, excellent sex therapist, sex counselor, sex coach would be, I think that most couples could benefit from it, benefit from that, even over talk therapy.

Emily, you know, zooming out here for a second, I think there's people, even this far into the conversation that still have this doubt in the back of their head. They're like, you don't know my relationship. You don't know my situation. We're so far beyond help. that's why we've just resigned to this place where we don't have smart sex in our life. And for that person who's listening, what do you want to tell them about what's possible

and how this book could be a central part in helping them? I love this question, too, because I think that these are the people that I mostly hear from on a daily basis who are like, we are done, we're never having sex again, we've got to a standstill. And if it's telling you it's possible.

It's literally, think of it like someone who's like, I can't get in shape. I'll never lose the weight. I'll never be fit. I'll never be. Like, you might feel that way right now, but you are, you are 100% capable of turning any situation around,

especially when it comes to sex. Really, what's getting in your way is your own beliefs around sex that mostly are not true. And so if we can start to unpack it, I mean, we do, that's why I spend so much on communication, we do have to get your partner on board, but even if your partner won't participate right now, then I highly recommend that you get into therapy

and you start doing the work in the book. I mean, this book isn't just, this book is not just for couples. This book is for everybody. All of my work is for everybody because we all are in different sexual journeys and as we're in a relationship, we're out of a relationship,

but start doing the work around your own messaging around sex, your own pleasure, your own orgasm, your own body. I hear, because I do hear this, but I also have so many success stories. I mean, I get them every single day. And this is what gets me up every morning after almost 20 years. Why do this? But couples are like, say to me, we were at a standstill.

It was over. We were about to get divorced. But we slowly but surely started to indoctrinate ourselves into the language of human sexuality and talking about it. You know, I hear from couples all the time. They're like, we listen to 12 of your episodes. We're on a road trip and we like, people like binge. I mean, I know people binge a lot of things. But for some reason, I think that because the language, even that we're having here, Drew,

which is why I'm so grateful you're having me on the show because I know that maybe this is a topic. that people haven't talked about as much or considered is it is a new language and hearing it and hearing the way I talk about and hearing the way I talk to a lot of callers on the show, people can breathe for a minute and they're like, oh, okay, it's not so scary, it's not so wrong. It's like we can get there. People do it every single day. So I just all people to know that you are not your state. You are not set sexes.

Human sexuality is a journey. It is not a destination. You don't get to a place of being like sexually literate and then you're done. And so you can start where you're at and you can start today. And I know, and I have hope for you. And I know that people can move to a place of more pleasure and more satisfaction and more connection. Off that note, as we start to wind down the interview, what is a healthy sex life for a couple look like? You know, there's so many things that are out there for both men and women that society will write about, the magazines, at the checkout, take this.

quiz, you know, are you and your partner having a good sex life? What is a healthy sex like look like? And does frequency have anything to do with it? Yes. Okay, great question. First up, I do have a sex IQ quiz on my site that everyone can take to see where you're all at. And it's, I think when I say that people think they're going to get, every character or sector that you land on the quiz is going to be helpful. It's not going to be hurtful. It's not going to be like, oh, I'm dumb sexually. That's not it. But where couples, so what a healthy sex looks like is couples who are communicating about sex and what feels good to them on a psychological, emotional and spiritual level, they have decided when sex, people always want to know,

like, how many times a week? Like, I used to get asked that question every day, like, how many times a week? If we do it once a week, then we're good or twice a week. And I'm not going to assign numbers to people, but I can say once a month probably isn't enough for many couples. But you get to decide in your relationship how many times a week feels good for you. So, yes, I think it's a set time to have sex or less. at least a goal.

It's time to connect. I think couples who have date nights who decide they're going to prioritize sex, who have a growth mindset around sex and they're willing to explore, try new things, go outside of their comfort zones. For many people just listening to this interview might have been very outside of their comfort zone.

They're willing to acknowledge and talk to their partners about things that are really, really hard when it comes to sex. I think it's okay to tell your partner, like, I've never had an orgasm, I've been faking it, or I don't actually know it feels good, being vulnerable with your partner about your body and your concerns,

they're with you for a, they're with you, they love you, they support you. I mean, do it with a loving, trusting partner. But I think you're going to be surprised at like the couples who actually are having the most healthy sex. It's not the ones who are swinging from the rafters, having sex 10 times a day, who are just, you know, screaming from the rooftops. All the things that you expect is healthy sex is not what society tells you. It's really couples who are honest, intention.

and vulnerable and willing to grow sexually. What are, you know, your podcast is a fantastic resource. In addition to the book, by the way, pick up the book. It's fantastic. Link of the show notes. Is there one or two podcast episodes, maybe some all-time favorites that are a great place for people to get started who are now committed to like, okay, I've known for a while.

This is something that I've not put attention on. And yet I think about it all the time. because it's impacting my relationship. I need to take that first step and I need some support with it. Of course, the book is there. Yes. The podcast.

What should they do? Should they just scroll and look for an episode that jumps out at them? It's such a great question because I have been doing this for so long that I have thousands and thousands of episodes. And so I would say go and look at the topics and see which ones speak to you and where you're at in a relationship, which I think it's kind of a really fun place to start.

Because when you do that, you'll find that a lot of the information is sort of shown in different lights across episodes. So I would just look for an episode that speaks to you, start to listen, see where you get from, and just kind of have fun playing from there. So I don't have one to direct him to, but I want you guys to listen to for a few minutes. And if you like that one, maybe pick up another one and that you'll see you'll sort of choose your own adventure in the Sex with Emily world. I love it. The book is out there, smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ.

own your pleasure. This is all about owning your pleasure. It's a fundamental right for human beings to own their pleasure. And when you do it and you bring it into your relationship, if you are in a relationship, you can't even imagine what that creates and opens up. It's so much bigger than just the sex and the pleasure itself. I really feel both for men and women, it sort of activates that root chakra, which leads to a whole bunch of things in our lives. You know, it really plays into creativity. It plays into drive. It plays into so many aspects. And I'd wish that for everybody. And I appreciate you creating a resource that's approachable and meets people where they're out and helps them understand most importantly that they're just, they're not alone on this journey,

that they're struggling with. There's plenty of other people that are struggling too. So, hey, let's talk about it together so we can all get better. Exactly. Yeah. Thank you so much, Drew. Thank you for having me. It's what I want people to take out the shame, the stress, the trauma, and start to prioritize your pleasure because pleasure is also productive. It'll help you live much healthier lives. Fantastic. Emily, this has been great. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. We have a link to all the show notes below. Please pick up a copy of the book. It's fantastic. And thank you again for your work. Thank you for having me. Hi, everyone, Drew here. Two quick things. Number one,

thank you so much for listening to this podcast. If you haven't already, subscribe, just hit the subscribe button on your favorite podcast app. And by the way, if you love this episode, it would mean the world to me. And it's the number one thing that you can do to do to support this podcast is share with a friend, share with a friend who would benefit from listening. Number two, before I go, I just had to tell you about something that I've been working on that I'm super excited about. It's my weekly newsletter, and it's called Try This. Every Friday, yes, every Friday, 52 weeks a year, I send out an easy-to-digest protocol of simple steps that you or anyone you love can follow to optimize your own health. We cover everything from

nutrition to mindset to metabolic health, sleep, community, longevity, and so much more. If you want to get on this email list, which is, by the way, free and get my weekly step-by-step protocols for whole-body health and optimization, click the link in the show notes that's called Try This, or just go to Drew Perot.com. That's D-H-R-U-P-U-R-H-I-T-com and click on the tab that says, try this.